#combining my love of mitski and the mechanisms | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

kiyoominous · 3 years

Text

wishes (sakusa kiyoomi)

synopsis: sakusa doesn’t like making wishes, apparently they’re too childish. but he finds himself wishing that he never met you.

pairing: sakusa kiyoomi/reader

warnings: major character death, mention of hospitals

genre: angst, fluff if you squint, established relationship

a/n: i was listening to a lot of mitski when i wrote this :D click here for a youtube playlist to possibly listen to while you read!!!!! cross posted to ao3!

Sakusa wishes he never met you.

He’s never been one to invest in wishes. It makes sense with someone as no-nonsense, as practical, as logical as him. But life tends to push your boundaries and opinions and now he’s a believer, to his dismay.

He wishes he never said hello. He wishes his eyes never found yours. He wishes that he never sat next to you in high school and he definitely wishes he never asked to borrow a pencil.

“Of course!” you beamed brightly at him. Somehow, in amongst the sunny day, the smile on your face blinded him more than the light spilling into the classroom. But he didn’t mind.

Perhaps he got lost in the radiance of your face because he didn’t see the pastel pink mechanical pencil that was waving in front of him. He nervously snatched it from your hands and muttered a ‘thank you’ before quickly returning to his workbook.

He returned home that day, the gleaming image of you embossed in his mind. Reaching into his book bag, he found the mechanical pencil sitting right at the bottom of it. Oops.

The next day, he ran to your desk to dutifully hand your pencil back. It was slightly embarrassing to think that he was so consumed by your glow that he forgot to return what he borrowed. He had never felt himself stand more uprightly as he loomed over your seated form, graphite stick in hand.

“You can keep it, Sakusa. We’re friends now, right?”

Friends? The most he’d let himself call you was his classmate but sure, being friends sounded nice too.

He wishes he never let you speak to him, your intelligent words spilling like a fountain. He wishes he never heard you muse about language, culture, volleyball, anything really. He wishes he never heard the sound of your voice.

You were rambling on about something, Sakusa didn’t exactly remember what. Of course he was listening, it’d be rude of him not to. But he found himself tuning into the melodious noise of your voice rather than the words spill from your lips. He couldn’t help it, you had a way with his ears.

“Sakusa, are you listening to me?” you teased. The aforementioned boy nodded fervently but the sudden spring from his slouched form into a more poised position told you otherwise.

“You were talking about Latin or something.” he drawled lazily. You eyes widen in mock disbelief.

“Is that all you remember? Are you that bad of a listener?”

“Maybe you’re just boring.”

A moment of stunned silence and then a gasp.

“You are going to regret that, Mister Top Three in Japan.”

Sakusa felt a fist push into his arm. The sensation of the punch was so feather light so he thought that there was nothing to regret. Maybe he could get used to this. But not yet. It was too soon to think about a relationship. Or even holding hands.

He wishes he never looped his arms around your waist. He wishes he never soaked in the warmth of your embrace. He wishes he’d never been so close to you that the smell of your laundry detergent lingered in his nose.

First dates were nerve wracking. Sakusa thought it was ridiculous to feel so high-strung about dating, to feel nervous and shy and anxious. It’s just an outing, how bad could it really be? It’s a shame that he started to understand now instead of before all of this.

His hands were sweaty, his chest was pounding and his knees were wobbling. Really, his damn knees? All of this because the thought of having to touch you once in his life was sprinting through the back of his mind.

He knew you weren’t expecting him to kiss you at the end of the date. You were aware — and respectful — of his boundaries. That didn’t mean that he wasn’t feeling peer pressured by every romcom he had reluctantly watched with Komori to let his fingers brush against yours while you walked side by side.

It didn’t help that he wanted to do that either.

A gentle tap on his shoulder and you were staring up at him with puppy eyes he couldn’t resist. He hesitated before daintily wrapped his fingers around yours, pulling your intertwined hands into his pocket. It felt warm. You were warm. And now his body was warm. But it wasn’t warm enough, he wanted to hug you.

Wait, what? Pardon?!

With that, Sakusa felt his hand slip out of yours in favour of wrapping his strong arms around your figure, engulfing himself in your heat. Even with the biting cold, he thought that he didn’t need the jacket over his shoulders to keep him cozy. You were enough to set his heart ablaze, to let that fire warm up his entire body.

“Sakusa…” you gasped. Guess you were both just as surprised. He muttered something under his breath and you begged to hear it again.

“Call me Kiyoomi, please.” he repeated.

He inhaled the winter air and felt the bitter cold fly into his nose. He also noted the scent of fresh laundry detergent wafting amongst the chilly wind. Was he really letting himself be this close to you, so close that he knew the brand of detergent your mother used?

His agenda against physical contact nagged him but he didn’t care. Your touch was something he’d sacrifice his comfort for.

He wishes you never occupied his mind, he wishes you never meant so much to him, he wishes that he never loved you. He wishes that he never loved you because loving you brought him here, in his bed alone.

You were supposed to be there with him.

It was a shame that he loved loving you. He loved everything that you brought into his life. Your laugh, your smile, your terrible jokes. But he wishes he never let himself feel so comfortable with you that you knew him like the back on your hand. If he had just kept his damn mouth shut, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt so much when you weren’t around anymore.

It hurt so much to see you writhing in pain when he got home from practice. The second he saw you collapsed on the floor, his mind hyper focused on you and you alone. His usual shower session was ignored in favour of you.

It hurt so much to drive you to the hospital, to even think about your body lying on a stretcher or in an operating room. Sakusa ran through one too many red lights but he didn’t notice. He didn’t care. All that was running through his head was to step on the pedal, steer the wheel and make sure you came out of there alive.

Five torturous hours later and he learnt that you weren’t going to be breathing he saw you next.

It hurt so much to lower your casket into the ground, you face to never see the world again. His family, your family and all of your friends passed by, long hugs and pitiful apologies in tow. Everyone thinks that performative sympathy is going to help with the grief. It doesn’t.

Now you aren’t around to massage his back after a long day of practice, to listen to him whine about his teammates, to be the shoulder he leans on when he cries. Now Sakusa lies in bed alone, the bed you used to share with him, tightly grasping onto a pillow that he wishes could be you instead. He misses you.

He misses you.

The first few months were agonising. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything. Not even cleaning the house or playing volleyball or eating his comfort foods. You brightened even the dullest tasks in the world and now everything felt so bleak. It still does. The world around Sakusa felt so boring that he swore his vision lost its colour.

It took a miracle and the combined efforts of Komori and the Black Jackals to even get him out of his room.

He got better. After six months of a depressive episode, he pulled himself back into volleyball again. He had to, it was at least one thing he could do in your memory. Days and weeks and months passed and Sakusa saw his beloved sport as a distraction, as a safe haven from the absence of you. If he could, he’d distract himself with the real you instead.

The eventual push back into society didn’t mean that Sakusa was okay by any means. Some nights were easier, practice would tire him out so much that he’d be knocked out the second his body hit the mattress. Some nights proved to be not-as-easy, the sting of your passing pressed down on him like a weighted blanket. An unwanted weighted blanket.

Tonight is not one of those easier nights.

There’s an ache in his chest that he can’t shake off and there’s a rock in his heart that’s sinking it to the floor and there’s just so much pain coursing though his body. He’s never felt so sore before.

He hates feeling this sore.

A tingle rises in his chest and eyes and he knows he wants to cry but the water doesn’t fall. All he can do is heave heavy breaths and weep. Why does he have to live without you? Why? Breaking up with you would’ve been a breeze compared to your death, he thinks.

It’s been a year since his loss. He knows that he’s allowed to grieve for however long he needs but some voice in his brain whispers that he should be over it by now. Sakusa wishes that he’s not in so much pain, that his suffering wasn’t there to begin with, that you weren’t in his life to make him feel this tortured. But perhaps instead of wishing to rewrite the past, he should wish to be okay. He should wish that the memory of you doesn’t pain him anymore. He should wish that he can power through this without you because that’s what you’d want.

And so he does. He sits upright in his bed, closing his eyes in meditative thought.

I wish that this’ll be over soon.

I wish that I can return back to my life.

I wish that I’ll be okay.

So there’s not much of a likelihood that his wishes will be granted. So what? At the very least, he can finally feel the ache in his limbs and the tension in his shoulders and the tug of his heart slowly beginning to vanish.

He’s going to be okay.

158 notes · View notes

emmyewesseyesee · 7 years

Photo

16 for ‘16 – the tracks

as if choosing the albums and the e.p.s wasn’t tricky enough, compiling the tracks has been a tough ask. again, as per my intro, i’ve certainly not listened to every single piece of new music this year, and there are some great tracks on others’ lists that might well eclipse my own, but these are the sixteen that i’ve enjoyed most and kept coming back to.

once again, i’ve hooked up a playlist with with each for you to enjoy, and like the e.p.s, there’s one missing (which hopefully may reappear at some point soon) in nicole dollanganger’s towering and terrifying “beautiful and bad”, which for now you can find here instead.

emmyewesseyesee’s 16 for ‘16 – the e.p.s playlist (courtesy of spotify)

again, these are in no particular order, but i think the playlist should hopefully take you on a suitably pleasant journey. i’ve already reviewed a number of these tracks in the day-blog, which means i can be a little more efficient in reviewing them here and link you up accordingly. i hope you enjoy the selection and the playlist, and am always humbled should you find time to read these words…

half waif – “turn me around”: the album probable depths rightly found its way onto the album list, and i adore the track “turn me around”. the opening multi-tracked harmony is a spiritually uplifting, lucidly exquisite clarion call, and the whole track tumbles on in an enticingly machine-like fashion via a metronomic rhythm of found sounds and clockwork clatter. this mix of hymn-like human and musical mechanism is beguiling, especially as they meld, interfere, entwine and distort. so lovely.

bon iver – “29 #strafford apts”: every song from this stunning album could’ve made this list, indeed ”cr∑∑ks” came very close, but "29 #strafford apts” is simply adorable, warm and tender, and manages to encapsulate the whole album with its glorious harmonies, delicious instrumentation and disruptive technology. the light-touch honky-tonk piano adds a lovely air of mellifluous lambchop, while the crackling vocal from 3:25 and deceptively wonderful bass-note at 3:39 always bring the tears.

ider – “sorry”: an impeccable debut that i originally reviewed here, “sorry” is delicate, moving, tender, heartfelt and beautiful. there’s a mature sensitivity to it as it wraps you up in its caring yet apologetic comfort, while simultaneously imagining a viable and newly empowered life ahead without you. the vocals and harmonies are a delight, with the production and laid-back keys playing their woozily immersive role quite superbly. hopefully 2017 will see a similarly exquisite ider debut album.

nicole dollanganger – “beautiful and bad”: sadly not available on the playlist platform, it will hopefully return at some point as it demands inclusion. it is probably the most epic and arresting piece of music i’ve heard this year, astonishing in its rising force, delicious in its demonic intent, astounding in the delicate yet destructive power that nicole dollanganger ultimately wields. i originally reviewed this here, and ten months later, it’s no less terrifyingly impressive.

elohim – “hallucinating”: gotta be track of the year, it’s just so poppy, playful, joyful, and guaranteed to put a smile upon your face with its lively party atmosphere. elohim retains her enticing mystique throughout, with a smartly unsettling ‘things ain’t maybe quite what they seem’ lyrical undercurrent even to this cheeriness. it’s a music box of delight, the production is fine, the instrumentation divine, and the lyrics just sublime, leading me to so favourably opine about both track and video previously.

essaie pas – “retox”: demain est une autre nuit made my 16 for ‘16 albums list, but "retox" was the chuggingly sinister and wonderfully insistent track that first unlocked that beauty. the multi-layered synths are relentlessly unforgiving in their pulsating probing and unwavering sequencing, and as an immersive tale of the city, marie davidson and pierre guerineau’s extended call-and-response duet was fascinatingly disconcerting and distant in its delivery, as previously reviewed here.

blood orange – “e.v.p.”: it’s all about the drums, the drums and the funk, the drums, the funk and the clavinet, the drums, the funk, the clavinet and the cello slides. but mostly the drums – with christopher egan’s wondrous breakdown from about 4:04 a sheer, unadulterated, chunky delight. meanwhile dev hynes’ baritone monologue and rising harmonics alongside both bea1991 and debbie harry are refreshingly relaxing. i defy you not to nod along approvingly.

savages – “adore”: the life-affirming, brooding centre-piece of savages’ adore life, “adore” serves to remind us all of the fleeting yet vital nature of life, and the importance of seizing every single moment of it. it’s anthemic, totemic, iconic, mesmeric, astounding, and just so incredibly moving, with the final minute’s assault on the senses an utterly overwhelming and cathartic experience. that it was the first proper review i ever wrote here still seems somehow both reassuring and apt.

weaves – “one more”: weaves were a breath of fresh air in 2016 with their lively, vivacious, kinetic indie-pop, and "one more" was my highlight – any tune that opens with such a gleeful whoop of joy deserves your eartime. jasmyn burke's carefree vocal is fascinating, her laid-back, compact, canadian drawl conveying an aloof ‘whatever’ sensibility that's skilfully honed and playfully performed, while her band is taut and tenacious in bringing an invigorating energy and enthusiasm to proceedings.

mitski – “your best american girl”: this made many people's lists this year and rightly so. taken from the similarly special my woman, "your best american girl" packs the most powerful and immediate of aural and emotional punches. indeed, despite its lovelorn melancholia, it unleashes a devastatingly impressive strength of sound and character ‎through its tumultuous guitars and resilient vocal to leave you thoroughly exhilarated and beautifully wrung out. simply wonderful.

abra – “crybaby”: definitely one of the best tunes this year, “crybaby” is a beguiling mix of abra’s magically angelic vocal talents and her trademark unapologetic 80s electronica production. seeing her perform behind her beatbox gives you a real sense of how she seems to plug directly into her own groove-mainframe and simply let go. vocally she truly sparkles, instrumentally she’s immediate and incisive, and together she’s a sheer delight. let’s hope 2017 brings yet more stunning sounds.

angel olsen – “shut up and kiss me”: one of the signature tunes of the year, "shut up and kiss me” is as catchy and hooky as it is bold and brazen. there’s a refreshing directness to olsen’s effervescent guitar and gutsy vocal, and she’s clearly a very talented pop composer. moreover her and justin raisen’s compact and compressed production delivers a rewardingly concentrated wall-of-sound with deft separation and brilliant clarity. fine fine work indeed.

tommy genesis – “art”: this was my initial introduction to the seductively sultry and sensual world of tommy genesis, and “art” literal drips with pent-up impatience and insatiable desire. its plucky guitar chords and military snare combine with wandering bass, oboe and glocks to create a luxurious yet menacing backdrop for genesis’s enticing, hypnotic vocal, each semitone, each syllable delivered with such carnal precision. i originally reviewed “art” here, let’s hope world vision ii arrives soon.

hannah diamond – “fade away”: with gfoty making album and e.p. lists, it felt right to share the love around, and “fade away” continued hannah diamond’s inexorable rise with a pristine perfect pop clarity. i described it as “one of the most deceptively addictive tracks this year” in my original review, and you get the sense diamond is growing gloriously into the brilliance of the hyper-real world she inhabits with every step. should 2017 bring her debut album, expect it to be one of the year’s best.

radiohead – “burn the witch”: admittedly, the video originally drew plenty of early attention, but the pizzicato strings and squelchy synth give “burn the witch” an essential opening verve and pizazz. thom yorke’s vocal offers calm if disconcerting narration, and the bass-led key changes that follow with their lush orchestration are full of awesome wonder. the final denouement with its evermore demanding and bow-frenzied strings is really quite something to behold.

massive attack – “the spoils” feat. hope sandoval: an utterly astonishing and moving way to close. when i first reviewed ritual spirit, i suggested the only thing lacking was “an extraordinary female lead vocal à la ‘unfinished sympathy’” and lo, this delicate and heartfelt sandoval-voxed song arrived to majestically fill said void. it ticks along with massive attack’s resolute reassurance and is wrapped up in the warming strings of dan jones’s delicious arrangement. “the spoils” is simply sublime.

there you go, the final, ever so slightly belated words to reflect on some of the goodness that 2016 has had to offer – if only the rest of it had been quite so generous and enriching.

what have we learned on this particular journey? well, probably that in 2016 i like canada, and i like female vocals, and i just love canadian female vocals. but perhaps more importantly, we’ve learned that, no matter how much shit the world might collectively throw at you, there is always a steady and wonderful supply of magical, moving music in which you can surely take solace.

enjoy the playlist, and let’s hope for more musical delights for 2017. take care out there, people.

#16 for ‘16 #the tracks #half waif #bon iver #ider #nicole dollanganger #elohim #essaie pas #blood orange #savages #weaves #mitski #abra #tommy genesis #hannah diamond #radiohead #massive attack #hope sandoval #singles

1 note · View note