The Passenger | Prologue
A life of pure adrenaline wears out pretty quickly when thrown into a place where the high doesn't belong in the chronogram.
Pairing: Eren x reader
Genre: [+18] Rockstar!Eren, Rehab, Recovery
Warnings: explicit, mentions of drugs, addiction.
A/N: Hello again, I haven't finished most of my work and quite frankly, I lost a lot of my motivation, but I'm still trying, my plans are still up and I hope soon I can finish them! But for this story, it's mostly me writing from experience, and trying to cope with my own traumas in a way that I feel comfortable doing so. This is a raw story, there's trauma and things that might be triggering, but mostly what we choose not to see in society. Drug abuse is a real thing and too romanticized nowadays, I hope I can bring some awareness through this piece of fiction.
This is also a safe space, feel free to share thoughts. I wanted the characters to look as human as possible, so I made them pretty much flawed, just as we are. It's a new thing for me to give up the idealization. Hope I can do it!
HOTLINES
Anyways, enjoy the story.
AO3
Masterlist
It was such a weird pace. He would watch people laying under the sun and singing songs from the 70’s to people running around because they ran out of cigarettes and now their tongues felt chewable or something.
He hated those cream-colored walls. It all screamed in the echoes of irony that filled the void of space where this fucking clinic was placed. He knew they probably decided on a round metal table that painting it in White Fawn would calm the whackos residing in.
A quick glance to the end of the corridor, he could catch the sigh of some old people playing cards, two girls sitting in front of the TV as if they were children before Thanksgiving and a few nurses with much-too-fake smiles plastered on their faces.
“Mr. Jaeger?” a voice came from his right, just when he was lighting his cigarette, and he quickly turned around, scraping the bottoms of his boots on the cleanest floor on earth.
Mr. Jaeger for some, the Eren Jaeger for the billboards.
“’s me.”
The voice came from a small woman with glasses too big for her eyes. She was dressed in all white, including her Keds.
“Allow me to take you to Mr. Ackerman’s office” her expression was neutral, a different sight from her colleagues. Eren extended his hand with his travel bag, and she looked up and down quickly, disapproving of his actions. “This isn’t a hotel, sir. We do our things ourselves around here. And put that out.”
He scoffed at her tone and retracted the hand as she turned around and started to guide him down the corridors, he threw his still-new cigarette inside a trashcan he found in that reception. They passed through a few windows where a few people seemed to reside in, it went from rooms with lots of posters and plants, as if they were trying to make it look homey to places where the only sign of someone living there was the wrinkle on the covers.
The nurse stopped in front of a simple door with the small letters on a silver plaque stood alone, in big and opaque letters — seeming to be there for a long while — it read Levi Ackerman, Director.
She knocked twice and heard a voice from the inside calling in, opening the silver handle to reveal a spacious room with lots of sunlight. As soon as Eren stepped in, the woman nodded to her superior and left, closing the door behind her.
In the corners, big wooden bookshelves were placed with meticulous knickknacks sitting pretty in front of the oceans of thick leather covered pages. To the other wall, he could see a lot of certificates placed proudly and in a square pattern that kind of annoyed him. To the center of the oddly clean carpet, a mahogany table sat with very few things on top, only a cupholder, two pens and a lamp. The air smelled like cleaning products with a hint of pine.
“Please, sit.” The man behind the table solicited and Eren let go of his bag with a dull sound on the floor from the fall, earning a stern look.
He directed himself to the leather seats and fell on the seat, his own leather jacket making rubbing noises in contact with the same fabric.
“I understand you’re here because of a court order” the man lowered the files in his hands, looking from behind the glasses.
Levi Ackerman didn’t look like a man who joked around. He instead looked like someone who drank straight black coffee with no sugar in it, who ate salads with croutons and parmesan cheese and went for walks on parks. His parted hair was gelled in place, which meant that he actually put effort to look like an asshole who wore suit pants to work in a rehab center.
“The judge was too harsh” Eren leaned back, sprawled across the leather chair as if he owned that piece of furniture.
“I thought he was too easy on you” Levi took off his simple square glasses and placed them in front of the organized pens. “You were very lucky your father had the connections he has. It isn’t easy to have me owing someone a favor.”
Eren heard that over and over at the hospital, right after the crash, his head pounding and eyes focusing on the New York view outside the building, wishing for an airplane to crash onto him and end his misery right that instant. His father kept yelling how hard it was to get the judge who owed him a favor and the guy that owed the judge a favor to agree for a rehab settlement. He should be grateful. He doesn’t know how lucky he is.
Hah. Lucky.
“We have schedules around here. Following the steps is a way to recovery” Levi grabbed a paper from inside the files and placed it in front of him, pointing at the meticulously written chronogram.
“Seems like you’re just dumping shit for me to do around here” his emerald eyes looked up in a frown.
“Addicted people need their organization. If you’re busy all day long, you won’t have time to think about getting high” the man in front of him offered a pen. “I’ll need your signature here.”
“I’m not addicted” Eren straightened his back, the frown growing deeper and deeper by the second.
“Sure, and I’m 6’1.” Levi stood from his swiveling chair and went to his bookshelf, not even searching before pulling out a thin book with a bright yellow cover, which he put in front of the other man, right beside the pen. He surely wasn’t even 5’5.
That struck badly inside Eren’s mind. He wasn’t an addicted.
“I’m not.” He snapped, feet planting on the ground with a thump and he leaned forwards, hands fumbling inside his jacket to find his cigarettes, struggling to take one out. “I don’t need these things to survive or something. I get high sometimes but because I want to, because I like it. Not because I need—”
“’—not because I need it, I’m not like these people in here, I’m different. I could stop if I wanted to, I don’t want to.’ I’ve heard it countless times.” Levi Ackerman grabbed the cigarette from the boy’s fingers and threw it out of the window, earning a disdained gaze as he sat down again, turning the book to reveal its front. ‘Accepting Addiction’. “Take this one, you’ll enjoy it. Do you want to take your tour now or later?”
“Why would I need a—”
“Let’s go then.”
It didn’t take long for Eren to learn that Levi didn’t care about who he was before he came to Stohess Rehabilitation Center. Levi Ackerman didn’t actually give two shits about anything else but his job there. He was also so frustratingly difficult to read, it made Eren feel annoyed to even try. It wasn’t like he would have to get along with the older man, his sentence was set for three months there, and he could get out earlier if he showed signs of personal growth and a good mental state. Shouldn’t be hard to pretend, put on his least favorite mask — the one with the large smile that made just about anyone fall to his feet at his disposal. The same mask he wore on a daily basis.
Levi took him to the cafeteria first. It wasn’t that big, but the tables were placed in line and they were shining as if they were just cleaned. Eren took notice of a few of the patients that were scrubbing the floor in a corner and it made the hairs in his body stood up, having quickly read the chronogram and learning that most of the cleaning duty was supposed to be their duty, not the hired staff.
Next were the sports court — a simple place that was located outside, and Levi told him that sports were required at least four times a week, but you were allowed to have lunch under the sunlight if you felt like it. Something about how nature was healing and some hippie bullshit that not even the director himself seemed to believe in. Then he was introduced to the psych ward, where Levi only gave him a short glance.
“Don’t do anything stupid. You won’t like it here.”
A few more places were shown, like the swimming pool, the running tracks that surrounded a small lake and the gardening site, and all Eren could think was how much of that bullshit he was supposed to pretend to like until he snapped. Their last stop was his room, a simple cubicle with a small window that had bars on it and two already made-up bed with a small dresser on either side.
“The bed on the right is your roommate’s, the bathroom is communal and right down the corridor, sleep early, breakfast’s at 8.”
“What do you mean roommate?” But before Eren could even turn, Levi had already left.
He sighed and placed his duffel bag on top of his dresser, sitting on his bed and feeling the springs in the old mattress. He took a cigarette from the pack inside his jacket and lit it up, leaning onto the windowsill, enjoying a slow drag. Everything smelled like mothballs and bleach, just like Eren remembered his grandma’s house to be, specially her wool quilt that Mikasa always dug from the top of the wardrobe and threw on Armin’s head, where they would make a big pillow fortress that they knew would be destroyed the next day, so they enjoyed to the last second.
“Hi, sorry, didn’t know you were already here” Eren opened his eyes only to realize he had fallen into a nap.
At the door stood a lean and tall guy with freckles spread across his nose. His middle-parted hair stood wet on his forehead and he had a towel thrown over his shoulders.
“I’m Marco, Levi told me about you earlier, sorry I wasn’t around” he said, eyeing the smoke, but not daring to say anything, and Eren could sense the innocence coming from his pores. He looked to be around his age, but something about him made him look way younger.
“’S okay” Eren shrug his shoulders and stood from the bed, throwing the cigarette bud outside before opening his travel bag and placing a few of his things inside the dresser. “I’m Eren, by the way.
The guy nodded with a gentle smile placed on his lips.
“I’ll be going down to get some food, wanna come?” Marco placed his towel on a small drying rack that sat under the window and rushed to grab a hoodie. Mitras University, class of 92.
That’s where Eren’s father graduated from. It was a privileged place to study.
“Is the food any good here?” He asked with a smirk, to which Marco mimicked.
“Only if you like wet cement.”
[…]
The cafeteria was fuller than before. All the tables were occupied and you could find just any kind of people there. Addiction doesn’t discriminate, I guess.
Eren followed Marco that was humming to the rhythm of Don’t Stop Believing that played in the background. They went straight to the serving tables and grabbed their trays, being blessed with the choice between a caesar salad or fish fillets. There was no escaping the monstrosity that was that chocolate pudding though.
Content with his fish fillet, Eren finally joined Marco at the end of the line to follow him to his choice of table, one that was occupied by a very buff guy, a tired looking girl, a shy looking guy, an old man who wore a fedora and another old man who seemed way too interested in his salad dressing.
“Got us some new meat, Marco?” The fedora guy leaned into the table, as if to inspect Eren.
“This is Eren, he just came today” Marco sat by the buff guy’s side and Eren took the other empty seat.
As he made himself comfortable in his seat, he took the chance to look around once more, now noticing a few of the other people, the ones who were actually sick and needed to be there. He noticed how most of them had problems to eat and some even needed the help of the nurses, who kept on helping them with sweet-filled smiles on their faces. As if it makes it any better.
But something caught his attention, someone sitting at the back with a bandana that covered her face from the nose down. An old woman who ate without taking it off.
“What’s your poison, Aron?” Asked the old man.
“Eren” he corrected the other guy before taking out his plastic cutlery.
“Okay, Eren. What’s your poison?”
“C’mon, Kenny, not even gonna buy him dinner? Warm him up with some wine?” The buff guy joked as he extended his arm over everyone’s trays to offer his hand, not knowing how much space he took. “I’m Reiner.”
A little startled, Eren shook his hand to end everyone’s suffering quickly. He took the chance to look anywhere else, his eyes falling on the same woman with the red bandana.
“These are Pieck and Colt” Marco introduced the younger ones that just smiled and kept on eating and then pointed at the older two “that’s Theo and Kenny, as you already heard.”
Anxiety seemed to be taking over him, he could feel the trembling forming on his ankle as his leg kept on bouncing, a habit he had for long now and couldn’t quite figure out how to stop.
“Hey” Eren tightened his lips and started to shred his fish, not that interested in actually eating it.
“There’s only five croutons.” Theo rose his head from his salad and everyone looked a little surprised. “That’s not right. There’s usually six croutons.”
“You must’ve eaten one without noticing, Mr. Magath” Colt said in a soothing tone and Pieck nodded along.
“No.” The man sounded aggravated by the situation as he kept on going. His neck had a vein that looked like it could pop at any moment. “I need a new salad.”
Eren noticed how his tone grew louder each word he spoke, but something about the situation told him that it wasn’t that unusual of a sight to see around there. The woman with the bandana didn’t seem to mind the situation.
“You can have my croutons, weirdo” Kenny slid his tray to the side, but that seemed to startle Theo even more.
“I need a new fucking salad with six fucking croutons in it” with that, Theo threw both his and Kenny’s tray on the floor and then left stomping.
The cafeteria fell silent for a short second, but as soon as the silence came, it sneaked out by the backdoor, not leaving any traces but the food on the floor that it was there.
“He developed severe OCD because of his addiction” Pieck said, grabbing Eren’s attention. She smelled like soap and her eyes were droopy, but expressive. “Most of us need a way to keep in control of our bodies, some go to that point. He’s a nice man, just don’t fuck with his routine.”
“Yada, yada, the old geezer threw a tantrum over a crouton and you’re saying the dude’s nice?” Kenny rolled his eyes and grabbed a crouton that fell to the table, popping it into his mouth.
“It’s punishment enough that he might actually end up at Hange’s office tomorrow” Pieck placed a baby carrot between her teeth with a mischievous smile.
“Hange’s the psychiatrist” Marco added so Eren would understand better. “They’re a little… off.”
What does that even mean?
Eren took another look around. Behind his table, he found a group of young girls, that didn’t look like they were older than 17, one had an IV connected to her veins. To his right, a table full of old people that looked the most beat down, and he actually caught the sight of an old lady that poked her head under the surface every once in a while, but looking closer, Eren could see that she was throwing up. To his left, he saw a group of people in their 30s, but there was this one man who wore a low ponytail of his greyish hair that had most of his lower mouth covered in burns, and he struggled to eat, every bit of food that he got on his tongue fell to his lap, and then he noticed; he had no tongue.
But what shock him the most, what actually sent chills down his spine, was the sight of the woman with the red bandana, as his eyes fell back on her as she finally took it off, only to reveal a hole where her nose was supposed to be, and she cleaned it with a napkin as if it was the most normal thing in the world.
“That’s the third meltdown this week” Reiner looked up, deep in thought. “I guess if we count the grape jelly fiasco, then it’s the fourth.”
It’s Monday, Eren thought to himself.
“Does that happen often around here?” He asked and they all just nodded.
“Welcome to recovery, buddy” Kenny pat his back and left the table.
[…]
“This place isn’t for me.” Eren paced around the office, hands running up and down his long locks as he spoke, a weird trembling forming in his legs. “The people in here are actually sick, that fucking woman had no nose! And that guy freaked out because of a fucking crouton and—how the fuck am I supposed to be in the same place as these people?!”
Levi had his hands interlaced in front of his mouth, sitting stoically, grey hues following each step the boy took.
“How the fuck am I the same as that un-nosed woman?” Eren slumped down the leather chair. After dinner, he rushed to Levi’s office, not even bothering to say anything to Marco, who was left surprised by how fast the guy left. “That’s… look, I got money. I don’t have access over my accounts at the moment but my lawyers can fix that. I can’t stay here. I got places to be, things to do—”
Eren fiddled with his pockets, trying to reach for his cigarettes but failing to find them, and a small thump echoed in the room when his lighter fell. His hands trembled, and so did his legs, resembling a chihuahua.
“When was the last time you used?” Levi simply asked. Voice stable and sharp, matching his eyes and his whole posture. His entirety.
Yesterday. “Last week” he gave up trying to find the cigarettes, his head fell low and his chocolate locks formed a curtain around his face.
“Your veins aren’t popping and your pupils are still dilated. You haven’t broken down in a cold sweat and you don’t seem like you’ll throw up anytime soon” Levi pointed out, unfazed. “It’s cute how you think you can fool me.”
“What the fuck do you even—”
Levi quickly opened a drawer and grabbed something from the inside, standing up and going around the desk until he was right in front of the trembling mess that was Eren. He opened his palm and showed him a bronze chip, earning a confused look from the boy, so he encouraged him with a nod to look at it.
6 years.
Eren shifted his gaze from the chip to Levi a few times, still confused.
“I know how addiction looks like” he simply stated, grabbing the bronze chip between his fingers and staring at it intently, as if it was the most precious thing in the room. “I know you also used recently, and I also know that it won’t be fun staying here, but it will give you a shitload of insight about yourself.”
The boy kept staring, annoyance invaded his veins and he felt like scoffing. Something told him not to.
“These people you say that you are nothing alike, they said the exact same things you did a thousand times before. I can’t make you stop using or whatever bullshit you feel like doing, I’m not your dad, you’ll have to realize yourself why you shouldn’t do that.”
Eren glared, trembling fingers sneaked in his pockets and he found his cigarettes, grabbing one and getting slapped on the hand before he could even think of lighting it.
“And for fucks sake, don’t smoke inside the facility. We have the fucking outdoors.” Levi signaled the door, making sure he made it visible that that conversation was over.
Snorting, Eren took his leave, heading to his room, deciding the day was over and that he didn’t want to make it any longer.
However, a quick break for a cigarette felt just too sweet to decline, so he took the exit to his left and sneaked out, making sure that the receptionist couldn’t see him. The clocks already marked 9PM and he remembered that the chronogram made it very specific that skipping the curfew lead to cleaning duty.
But his mind emptied the second he leaned his back against the concrete wall. His boots made soothing noises on the grass, playing with the dry leaves that were scattered around, and the fresh scent of eucalyptus mixed with wet soil brought him back to when he was fifteen and decided that camping was a must-have experience for a teenager, so he brought Mikasa and Armin along. They made a poor version of s’mores and Armin sneaked some wine from his grandpa’s cabinet that got them going for the night.
He even remember that they tried to scare each other pretending they were bears, even though it was impossible, being it small park near his father’s house. Armin fell asleep like a baby by the sunrise and Mikasa decided to run a few laps around the lake, Eren just laid under the sky covered by the tall trees.
“Need a light?” A voice came from his side, and Eren could swear that all the cold sweating that Levi was so persistent about came all at once.
Pretty much scared shitless, Eren’s eyes followed the direction from the sound, and he noticed that another figure sat under the shadows, too dark to see, but too easy to recognize that it was a female figure.
“Are you deaf?” The same voice snapped and he clicked his tongue, not noticing how long he had been holding a cigarette without a lighter. He quickly pat his pockets only to remember that he dropped it in Levi’s office.
“Yea, thanks” the girl tossed to him and he grabbed it mid-air.
He quickly lit a cigarette and took a long drag before noticing the lighter itself. It was a small pocket lighter with a simple eagle shape printed. Next to its wings were the letters D and Y engraved, it looked old, but Eren kind of liked the vibe of it.
“Give it back when you’re finished” she simply said, taking a drag out of her own stick.
She was too hidden for him to figure out her features and he wasn’t going to ask her to reveal herself. They were both on the same boat, sneaking out and doing what they weren’t supposed to, but it felt just right to be there.
“I know you” her voice startled him again. As if he was a scaredy little dog.
“You do?” He asked. ‘You do?’ Where the fuck did your confidence go?
“Yup. My friend is a fan of your band” he could almost hear the smirk in her tone.
“What about you?” He asked, shifting his weight to his other leg, a little jittery in his own skin.
“Not me” she simply said. “Too noisy.”
Eren had heard a lot about his music before, nothing short of critics, but ‘noisy’ was a first.
“I guess we are” he licked his lips before taking another drag. Noisy.
Taking another drag of the cigarette, he noticed that she had been staring back, so he tossed the lighter back, which she caught quickly and stood from where she was seated. Each step she took towards the lamppost by his side, a part of her features was revealed to him, and the first thing he noticed was how red her eyes looked. If it wasn’t for the tobacco in the air, he might have suspected she caught her hands on something else.
She wore a long-sleeved grey shirt with black pants, simple clothing but she made they look too comfortable, as if she’d been hanging around for a while. He felt his leg starting to tremble once again and his heart rushed inside his ribcage when she snuck her nose way too inside his personal space, almost as if she was trying to smell him…?
“Thanks for the lighter” Eren blurted out of pure panic.
“If I hear a single note from any guitar, I’ll rip your throat” she said under an unfazed gaze before shaking her own lighter in front of his eyes and leaving.
Oh, Eren couldn't wait to see what rehab had in store for him.
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WONDER TEA PARTY - PART 4
━
After that, we tried talking to the other residents, but…
EMMA : All that and we're still no further forward. We'll never get home at this rate…
ROUGE : Now, now, let's just count our lucky stars we at least got a map.
OSCAR : Yes, though, I'm not sure how reliable it'll be…
━FLASHBACK━
PASSING MALE : We used to have a map but it's practically useless now. You know, with the terrain changing every day.
VOLKS : I see, then… Would it be possible for you to draw a map to the best of your most recent knowledge?
PASSING MALE : No problem. First of all, the Chronogram is over… Here.
━END FLASHBACK━
SHAYMIE : Hey, hey, so what do we do now~?
EMMA : I really don't know… I'm most curious about this "Alice" person everyone keeps talking about.
MEL : Yes, they said these strange things started happening after this Alice showed up, didn't they?
MEL : Could she be the reason we're in this mess? I'm sure he knows something…
EMMA : Yeah… But… If we're gonna go looking for Alice, we're gonna need a clue of where to start…
VOLKS : We should continue looking for information. Who knows, maybe something will come up.
VOLKS : From what I hear, Madness and Trampia seem to make up the majority of their population.
VOLKS : I say we visit these places first and ask around.
FELD : Hm? The name Madness sounds familiar…
OSCAR : Maison Madness, right? So you're going to check that hat shop you're always so curious about?
VOLKS : Yes. Wondermare is a country that rarely trades with the outside world.
VOLKS : We can't afford not to cease this opportunity while we still can.
FELD : You're completely self-serving! You're just like Oscar, aren't you!?
VOLKS : Heh. I'm flattered.
FELD : I didn't mean that as a compliment!
EMMA : It's okay, we're gonna be asking around anyway, so we can just kill two birds with one stone.
OSCAR : I have no objection if it means I can find food.
ROUGE : And I have no objection if I can find a drink. So, let's go to Madness!
SHAYMIE : Let's go!
FELD : Tsk… Damn you and your free spirits!
EMMA : Ahahaha…
━
On the way to Madness, night and day switched again.
SHAYMIE : Hahh~? Weren't the stars shining just now~? Oh, well!
EMMA : It wasn't even night for that long… They weren't kidding about their erratic day-night cycle, were they?
ROUGE : Well, one minute I was drinking and suddenly the sun came up. So it's business as usual for me~…
ROUGE : But the hours here really are fickle!
EMMA : Please drink in moderation…
SHAYMIE : Yanno, yanno, Rouge told me the other day that "alcohol is a friend of the soul."
SHAYMIE : See! It's written in my diary.
EMMA : Rouge…
ROUGE : Ah, that cold stare…! It's starting to become a habit!
FELD / MEL : You fool! / You're an idiot…
As much as we laugh at the lively exchange, I also can't help but sigh when I think of the situation we're in…
EMMA : (What if we don't make it back from Wondermare? We're not even close to figuring out what to do for this tea party yet…)
ROUGE : …Emma, why the long face?
EMMA : Huh!?
ROUGE : Lemme guess~...
ROUGE : "We've got a job to host this tea party… What if we don't make it home?"
EMMA : …Yeah. That's about it…
ROUGE : Ahh, how dependable of you. But you know what?
Rouge slowly looks up at the sky. I follow his gaze to find strangely shaped clouds swimming in the clear blue.
ROUGE : If we just wait things out, one day there'll be good weather on the sea route and we can go home then. For now let's take it easy and not stress ourselves out.
ROUGE : It's not every day you get to experience something like this. You have to savor these moments while you can~♪
EMMA : Rouge…
ROUGE : It'll be a good way to relieve stress from a tough job, don't you think?
EMMA : You're starting to sound more like yourself now.
ROUGE : Ah-ha-ha. Guess I've been found out.
ROUGE : But it's also true that I want you to smile.
Rouge's fingers gently stroke my cheek.
ROUGE : It's good that you're a hard worker, but if you work too hard all the time, you'll get tired.
ROUGE : Sometimes you have to complain or slack off, to pamper yourself and enjoy life.
EMMA : …You're right.
ROUGE : If we just relax, finding our way home will be a breeze!
EMMA : Well, isn't that a little too optimistic?
EMMA : (…But… My heart feels a little lighter now.)
EMMA : Rouge…
ROUGE : Hm?
EMMA : Thank you…
ROUGE : No, no. You're welcome.
SHAYMIE : Rouge, Emma! What are you two talking about~?
ROUGE : We're talking about how smiling is the best remedy to any bad situation! See? Shaymie always smiling, too! He gets it!
SHAYMIE : Hehehe, really~? I don't know about all that myself. But…
SHAYMIE : Shaymie loves the way Emma smiles!
ROUGE : We're on the same page there, Shaymie. I do, too.
EMMA : Heh… Shaymie… Rouge… I love your smiles, too.
ROUGE : Waahh!? Shaymie, did you just hear that!? Add that to your picture diary! Emma loves me! You've gotta remember this!
EMMA : Is not that big a deal!
SHAYMIE : Ahaha~♪ I have to do it! I gotta get painting!
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