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chaotictarlos · 1 year

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Can you talk more about the dinner scene and the tags you have in that post?

Hell yes I can! I love that scene so much. (post in question: https://at.tumblr.com/chaotictarlos/704992524491800576/9pael9up6i14) I do have to apologize in advance because I'm about to ramble a lot and probably say a lot that you don't care about but I have a lot of thoughts about this episode.

So I firmly believe this episode and scene are vital in Tarlos' growth as a couple. It was a needed scene and even more of a needed moment between them.

TK comes in, right, and he's all like "hi baby" and answers Carlos' question about how the meeting was and while we as viewers can see that there is definitely something off about Carlos, TK doesn't see it yet. Not until he goes to kiss Carlos on the cheek and Carlos doesn't react and when TK says that what he's made smells amazing, Carlos says it's just chicken.

But it's the way he says it. I don't know about you but I've used that tone. It's my "I'm upset right now and I want you to ask but I also don't want to talk to you because I'm upset at you" kind of tone. It's the type of tone that, imo, a person uses when they're fed up and just done with a situation.

It's this moment that TK realizes, oh something is wrong. Here's a cute little gif just because. You can see TK realizing that Carlos is not okay. Like he barely says a word to TK and doesn't offer him food and we all know that acts of service is part of Carlos' love language. He's always feeding TK and his friends. It's what he does.

And TK is like, okay, need to figure out what's going on here.

I really love this moment, TK leaning against the doorframe and you can see him thinking things through and giving Carlos the space to talk first, to bring up what's bothering him so that TK can do something to fix it.

(side note for a moment for how from the time he sits down to the end of this scene Carlos' looks so small. He's not a small guy but here we see himself physically shrink into himself, making himself smaller and try not to take up so much space. It's like he's hoping that if he takes up less space than he can be what TK needs him to be, what he wants TK to need him to be.)

And then Carlos, our passive-aggressive king, goes "oh should I'm sorry, should I have been cooking for two? I figured by the time it was 8 o'clock you and Coop stooped for omelets."

And there it is, the one thing TK needed to make the situation click.

Carlos is holding onto a lot. We know that he's an anxious person, and as a fellow anxious person, I feel for him so much in this scene. We don't get to see Carlos' anxiety a lot. He's internalized everything about the situation with TK and has tried so hard to find ways to help because that's what he does. That's what I would do. He sees a situation, he sees the love of his life hurting and having to navigate being back to square one and having to regain his years of sobriety and Carlos so badly wants to help.

That's why he stays up and reads articles and tries to find solutions. It what he does. He takes care of people he loves. And in this case he can't do anything and it kills him.

It makes him feel so utterly hopeless. And I'm saying that as someone who has been in situations where all I've wanted to do is help those I care about and I couldn't. I felt useless.

And right now, Carlos feels useless but he doesn't know how to say that.

So it manifests in passive-aggressive ways, such as not making TK dinner.

And even though he's being passive-aggressive, he's still so willing to make TK something if TK says that he hasn't ate. Because at least it would mean that TK needed him for something.

And just, the way TK gives him space, gives him a chance to bring up what's wrong because they both know something is wrong just really gets to me. He doesn't push right away, allows Carlos the room to bring it up himself if he needs to.

And when he doesn't, TK asks him.

And Carlos does what I always do, what everyone always does:

"Is something wrong?"

"No"

Because of course, he's not going to outright admit to something being wrong. That would be too logical.

And then slipping in that he knows that TK called Cooper at three am and that is one of the roots of Carlos' problem and why he's upset. In TK needing someone, instead of rolling over and waking Carlos up, he reached out to someone else.

And Carlos can't understand why he did that. Because for Carlos, he would turn to TK if he needed someone in the middle of the night. It makes sense to Carlos to reach for TK, because they're partners so he can't wrap his mind around why.

And the way this entire scene is handled and how TK handles it, just shows so much growth, imo.

And then TK does this little nod, because now he's caught up and he knows somewhat what's going on. I also need to point out that, faced with this confrontation he doesn't run, he doesn't try to deflect but stays and talks to Carlos.

I like how TK asks if Carlos is mad at him for calling his sponsor because he's trying to narrow things down. And of course, Carlos isn't mad at him for that, he never would be mad at TK for calling his sponsor when he needs to. What Carlos is upset about is that he wasn't TK's first choice. And he can't understand that.

It seems so simple, even though it's not.

And Carlos is sitting there, fighting with his anxiety, fighting with his doubts, fighting these internal battles that he hasn't let TK in on because he doesn't want to burden TK with them. (of course, I could be projecting my own anxiety struggles with this but it fits)

The line that gets me every single time in this scene is "just trying to figure out what my place is"

Because he doesn't know. His love language is acts of service and he's being denied being able to do that - not intentionally, of course - so he doesn't know what to do. He doesn't know where he fits into TK's life in this moment. If he can't help TK than what's his point? What role is he supposed to play?

And god damn, I feel that so fucking much. I feel for Carlos. I feel the insecurity he feels here. I feel the anxiety. The hurt that he feels. They're all such valid feelings too! Like he's valid for where he's at and what he's feeling. He's human. He's allowed to be upset. He's in a situation that he has no experience with and it's upsetting.

The love of his life was just forced to overdose, to break his sobriety and Carlos so badly wants to fix it but he can't and he's not sure what he can do. He hasn't been told his place in this. He just wants to help and he can't and he feels useless.

"just trying to figure out what my place is" is a plea for TK to tell him what he needs. It's Carlos, being vulnerable, asking TK what he wants from him.

And when TK tells Carlos he wasn't the one he needed to talk to, Carlos takes that personally because he doesn't understand. He thinks it's because he's not enough for TK. That he can't provide for him all the ways that Carlos thinks he's supposed to.

We romanticize this notion that our significant others are supposed to be the be-all, end-all for us. We're supposed to turn to them for everything. We're supposed to help them through their darkest times and have them help us through ours. It's beaten into our brains from the time that we are kids that our SO's are the perfect other half, that "you don't need anyone else other than your partner" and that couldn't be more wrong. Our support system can not and should not begin and end with our significant others.

And knowing that Carlos' parents are traditional, he probably learned that too.

When TK says that, it's like conformation to Carlos that TK doesn't need him and that's not what TK is saying at all.

And then, we have TK telling Carlos that Cooper's straight and I've seen people give shit about that line but I think it's valid.

TK's been cheated on and you bet your ass that's now a fear of his and with Carlos being so upset that TK is reaching out to another man in the middle of the night, spending time with him - and while he has valid reasons and he's not sneaking around or trying to do anything - TK can see that it might not look that way and even though Carlos hasn't said he's worried that TK is cheating, TK wants to reassure him that he's not.

And I think that's very valid of TK. He recognizes it before it's even an issue because it shouldn't be an issue and he wants Carlos to know that he doesn't have to worry about TK getting feelings for his sponsor.

And I think it's also a subtle way of TK telling Carlos "you're not being replaced."

Also this:

"I don't think you're cheating with the guy TK."

"Not physically."

Because we've all heard of emotional cheating. I know this part isn't a favorite of people's and I've seen a lot of people have problems with it but it was needed. They needed to have this bit of a conversation for both their sakes. Carlos needed that reassurance even if he acts like he didn't. I don't think at any point Carlos thought TK was cheating, but it's still a thought that sometimes crosses the minds of even the most logical individuals.

"It feels like he's getting getting pieces of you that I don't."

"You don't want those pieces."

"I do. I want all of it."

"You have all of me, Carlos."

I keep saying it, I know, but this exchange, it's just so much. Carlos feels so much and it's so fucking beautiful. TK knows what he needs, he knows that those darker pieces of himself aren't pretty, they aren't good and they aren't easy to deal with and he doesn't want to burden Carlos with them. They're hard pieces.

But he's trying to tell Carlos that he gets the pieces that matter. He doesn't have to have the dark parts, the parts that ache for a fix, the parts that make him shake and itch for another high. Carlos doesn't have to have those parts because they'll just worry him. TK does give Carlos all of him, and him not getting the pieces where TK is desperate for a fix isn't bad.

Because TK isn't treating Carlos like his sponsor or therapist. That's not Carlos role in his life. Carlos isn't his sponsor and he isn't his therapist. TK has people who fill that role.

And then, the heartbreaking line of Carlos saying "I'm not enough, you mean."

In this one case, he's not and I love that TK affirms that and then explains why. He's not saying that Carlos isn't enough for him to be mean or to hurt Carlos, he's saying it to try and get Carlos to understand that sometimes TK needs people that has been in that situation. That knows what it's like to be high, to be addicted to drugs, to spend their time trying to find the next fix.

It's not bad that Carlos can't fit that role.

And, I don't know, they just do it so beautifully here. TK gets riled up, he gets a little emotional and his voice isn't perfectly calm but he's also upset but not trying to show it. It's here that he, imo, tries to get Carlos to see that this entire situation isn't about Carlos.

TK's addiction isn't about Carlos. It's not something that Carlos can fix and TK needs Carlos to understand that and I think the way TK explains it here is so right on. It's kind, but firm. It's an explanation that does tell Carlos that no, he's not enough but that's okay because TK has people to help him with that.

TK has people that help him get home because he wants to come home to Carlos.

"And if that means sometimes I'm late getting home just know it's only so I will get home, Carlos"

That line will always be a favorite of mine. I think it sums it all up so perfectly. He's doing it all - calling his sponsor, staying out late at meetings, taking extra time with Cooper - so that he will make it home to Carlos, the one he loves and wants to spend his life with.

TK can't and doesn't want to burden Carlos with all of that dark because he knows how impactful it can be on a relationship. It's not Carlos' job to shoulder that burden and he shouldn't have to. He might think he has to, but he doesn't, and TK knows that.

That line just sums it up so well, and even though Carlos doesn't respond, it's obvious that he gets it. He gets it even more when he comes home and TK is there, hurting and shutting down, and Carlos' experiences first hand that TK needs more.

Coming back to my original line, I know I've said a lot and if you've read this far thank you, but this was vital to their relationship. It showed growth in both characters. It showed TK not running, but sitting down and having a needed discussion. It showed Carlos being vulnerable, letting TK in, letting his walls down.

It's truly a beautiful scene that I think says so much about their relationship.

It speaks a lot about where they were and where they're at. It's amazing.

This touch, this kiss, the way TK smooths his hand down the back of Carlos' head was such a simple, subtle way to say "It's okay, we're okay, I love you and it's going to be okay."

I really wish we had see the conversation they have after this - because I fully believe they have one and maybe I'll write it - because I don't think they're ones to go to bed upset or angry.

#chaotic asks #t talks #tarlos #tk strand x carlos reyes #riddle of the sphinx #season 3 #3 x 13 #my gifs

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