#celebrating myself ig
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happy birthday to me
to celebrate I'm posting the guy who got me my first anon hate comment in chibi form
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might fuck around and make a dimileth server
#and by that i mean i might have already been fucking around all weekend trying to see if i can figure this shit out lmao#i have no idea what i'm doing BUT been dying and trying to find an actually still active server for ages to no avail#SO why not take things into my own hands and just make my own?#problem is i think i can set it up but doubt i'd actually have the necessary free time/energy to run/mod a server myself??#it's not like it would actually gain traction tho so i'm sure it's fine#just a fun experiment rn to figure out how to make bots work lol#anyways. this is apparently what i do w/ newfound free time to celebrate finally being free of impending work deadline induced hell ig#sto parlando
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today marks 1 year clean from s/h for me btw 😸
#i wish i could tell my friends or post about it somewhere other than tumblr dot com but i don’t wanna overshare#so i will celebrate into the void i guess LOL#maybe i’ll get myself a tasty treat to celebrate in the morning#(i say as if i don’t get a tasty treat literally every day of my life)#idk if this should be tagged with a tw or something but it’s my blog so whatever#i’ll just tag#tw#self harm //#sh //#to be safe ig
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i wont even lie i just feel like. awake and restless, i wanna stay up but i know im gonna regret that for work tomorrow. but damn i really like. im old. and im alive. woww. ? and people like me. Wowww. Shit i didnt kill myself. wowww. shit dude. Woah! Damn. thats yeah. cool. anwyays yea i cant sleep but heres progress on stuff im doing
#fool's monologue#tdov kinda got me a bit retrospective and im trying not to be cuz i dont wannat think so much but#i mean im still like#here i guess#i figured id die by the time i was 16#and its happy ig. unsure#i do like tdov even if im not#celebrating i guess#i am tho#ive been a guy forlike. forever#thats cool#not much i can say abt that#me being trans doesnt feel like a big deal to me personally. but whenever i see other trans ppl its like YAYAYYYYY AGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! LETS G#cuz ig i like other people more#i am just quite happy#i may not get like. happy and joyful out of my own transness. its more laidback and whatever with myself but. i do feel it for other people#so its :3c yayyy
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BTW happy first day of Chanukah to any follower/moots that celebrate
#first of Chanukah#I don't celebrate it myself but I may as well acknowledge it's existence for those who do ig
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#so lately i’ve been thinking about a lot…#because i know i’m in a better place than i was at 12 or 14 or 21 or whatever#i have some of the things that i always wanted at those times in my life#i have an active social life and people constantly compliment me for my fashion and makeup and the way i look#but inside i STILL feel like shit!!#and i feel like i’m being melodramatic too bc it’s not like i suddenly became a celebrity or anything crazy like that#but i did go from 200 followers on IG to over 700 in about a year so idk if that illustrates anything#so like. people like me. people know who i am. people want to see me at events.#but i’m overwhelmed i’m burnt out & i feel like an outsider#and it makes me think how honestly? the times i’ve enjoyed myself the most were when i went to things and did things alone#maybe i was happier being that quiet girl standing against the wall?#my correct music opinions#sometimes i just want to disappear#not in the ‘i wanna die’ way but i guess i wish i could take a hiatus from being perceived
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for my entire life I've been so sure that I don't like romance stories and as I'm rereading Hunger Games (I'm on Catching Fire now) I've been dreading getting to the whole Katniss Peeta Gale love triangle situation because ughHHHh but I'm sitting here kicking my feet like a schoolgirl at Katniss being so fixated on little things like Peeta's brushstrokes, the expression he makes when he paints, the way the light catches his eyelashes while all being unaware that she's focusing on these things and being absolutely confused about how she feels, and considering this has happened twice before with two other works maybe I have to reconsider. maybe I do like it when there's a story that's mainly about a whole bunch of other super intense and important shit but also has the main character slowly, imperceptibly grow closer to a friend
#the hunger games#me post#the other two were fics where i was like#ok im only here for the dual wielded wacky hijinks and crushing existential crises featuring my favorite side characters#but if you wanna fall in love with the one other person who can relate to your hell situation that's fine ig#at some point i think ive become a romantic. caught myself romanticizing the celebration of the turn of the new year earlier this week#whatever man as long as im finding beauty in the world and can stave off the despair#what was this post about again
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shit, it's Christmas in two days????
#im making this post because I unironically don't know what to do#venting again#I leave my parents house whenever I can when im home because house being messy gives me anxiety#and I could clean but listen#their house is Huge#like id be exhausted and grossed out and also#I don't want to#so ive been occupying myself by going to lil cafes and reading#ive been to barnes and noble like three times in the past week alone (I buy tiny items when im there and just spend time reading at the caf#Christmas Day my parents are prob gonna stay here instead of going to my grandmas house#which ugh#idk what to do!! I could play guitar and piano all day#bc we don't really celebrate Christmas now that my brother and I are Grown#so idk#ig I'll clean the house and eat food and play music#so festive!!!#and think about my crush a lot more and maybe call my friends bc I miss them#hehe im dating my crush like crazy in my head#shes so crazyyyyyy#(me im her)#(but im a dude)#why do I almost want to spend Christmas at my friends' house lol#bc loaded topic but I do NOT talk to my father#lol
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healthcare get
#my care coordinator is the fucking sweetest and she apparently grew up on the street next to mine???#we had a v long conversation about health goals and diagnoses she legit wants me to go to gay bars to get involved in the lgbt community#which i was gonna do anyway but it's nice that it's official advice now ig#so long story short she's great and i am glad i made a phone call like that by myself >:3c#time for pepsa to celebrate
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heheh friends :)
#no seriously nothing like spending time and hanging out w friends alskdjfalskjh i feel so much joy#we were sending one of the other students off cuz he completed all his training and stuff so big celebration#it was a lot of fun honestly!! i really wanted to do a little get together so we could all just hang out#we also got ice cream after ;; v;; (they had weird flavors!!!! habby)#it was a nice time i guess i just needed to stop being a hermit in my depression LAKSJDAFLKSFH#friends tag#depression: nooooo you cant hang out w friends youre gonna be a bother!!!!! stooooop#today: :)#snow speaks#anyways its been a good night#except now i realize im like 20 x more of a nerd than i thought before#literally everyone else slacked off for this rotation and im out here stressing and anxious like T _ T yall couldve told me i couldve been#in on it alksdjfhalskjh yall....#and now. i have to make myself study. or attempt to#asdlafkjsdh basically! ride the high#but as soon as the shower happens im going nightnight#fuck around and play honkai some more ig LMAO
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today's my 1dversary #11yearsagotoday
#don't ask me how i know. jk i'll tell you#they were just on this radio show that i listened to all the time. like every day. they weren't on the show every day but i listened to the#show every day and i wasn't interested in them AT ALLL like a few days before my friend who would go on to ghost me (10 years later) and i#were talking about them and we were like we are NOT like other girls (we said that like verbatim) we're not dumb girly girls who are into#one direction...and then well. i mean i literally listened to i want to write you a song and history this morning and i'm talking about my#1dversary an anniversary i celebrate every year. so yeah i know because it was a thursday and i went back and checked the date and then for#the rest of the year and the year after on the 11th of each month i would be like omg! 10 months of directionism! today is my 132nd month#ig. 150 in a year and a half!#i was a super fan of that radio show and it's literally so embarrassing like oh my god i really should not have been listening to that at..#i started listening to this and another one i really liked at NINE YEARS OLD and oh my god. whatever youre imagining it was definitely that#and probably worse like if i found out that a 9-year-old i knew listened to that i would kill myself maybe. but it was just me so it's fine#the way i celebrate it every year is by saying the following words: today's my 1dversary#and like i say: brf slt
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If anyone's wondering why I've dipped for a bit, I applied to be a typesetter for the manga I've been hyperfixating on since apps are open. So I'm working on the test and figuring out things on the spot since I have no experience lmao it's fun but god does it take my brain cells so I've been slowly spending my spare time on that lmao
#little prism dragon;; yuki talks#[also my entire weekend for this month is packed ig???]#[friend's dragging me out to attend a pride event. twice. got a different friend's wedding celebration to go to]#[and I'm writing a birthday fic for myself so I'm trying to make sure I finish that ahead of schedule]#[and I still have icons I need to finish... sobbing... procrastinating on that haha]
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#DOMT look at this im still documenting my process on being on the fence about possibly getting diagnosed for autism Dont look#just. realizing things#like. i know its fixations on celebrities but sometimes its people i know in person its not that i need to be with them 24/7 i just#i Have to collect information about a particular person at times#Actually. Now that we are on topic of this i remember having that feeling towards smaller internet celebrities on instagram and#smaller youtuberz#and actually going to very great lengths to research as much information on them as possible#plus mimicking their behavior alot. Hm ash i wonder why#DONT LOOOOK#look i used to be like Yea i dont really collect information about things im interested in 👍#and sometimes its awkward when im in a space where autistic ppl r everywhere and tend to show that#they themselves collect lots of information on their interests (yes the mcr fandom)#but. i literally do have a history of this. two times it being internet celebrities/youtubers and once it being on haircare itself.#i remember telling myself i could probably do anyones hair. Anyone. because i know so much about it and the complexities#rn my special interest is makeup of course. but im studying how it can turn into info collecting + on people itself .#idk ldjsjdhdhdhduwodjsofiowdid i know i am hashtag confirmed autistic a year ago but i need a much more deeper understanding of myself ig
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Video
Liza Koshy via Instagram Stories. (Jun 21, 2022)
#via instagram stories#ig stories#instagram#social media#video#shakira#shakira mebarak#liza koshy#nick jonas#celebs#celebrities#dancing with myself#nbc
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got hit with several large personal news bombshells today and. none of them are bad (they're all fairly good or at least neutral) but i am currently kendall roy posing on the couch w my headphones trying to process
#speak friend and enter#so first thing one of my roommates moved out so i get the whole room to myself now which is unbelievably swag#(i went to the art supply store and got an easel and some new paint to celebrate since i can actually paint in there now)#and my mom just called to say that we might be moving states or alternatively she might be moving alone#unclear what this means for the state of my parents' relationship but fuck it we ball ig#and my roommates for next semester contacted me to arrange a meetup#and the prompt for my history final got released and it's on the jfk assassination. which i will struggle to stay under the word limit for#but! all exciting and ive already started rearranging my room which is very fun
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Vam- vam- vampeers-
there shall be more of them
#asks#ngl dont know what to do outside of the bloodlust storyline#I can draw them celebrating christmas ig??#but what then? what do they get up to after dream gets back from the hospital?#do you actually think I know how to deal with trauma?? I study engineering I am causing myself trauma
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