#bye it was a good decade but i'm tired
Note
I haven't sent one of these in a hot minute! The last gifset had me thinking: Sincr it's 🎃time, how about assigning the typical horror movie roles/tropes to Seventeen? Like, we already know Mingyu is The Hot Girl that Dies First™️ 🤣 (grouping them is also fine!)
HELL YEAH, it's spooky time!!!!! I am popping these under a read-more jusssst in case there are some sweet angels on my blog that may be sensitive to the themes or aren't into the horror genre <3
but if you're into SVT and horror film roles/tropes, read below!
Cheol - is surviving. idc. he's giving Chad Michael Murray in House of Wax like he definitely is kind of the asshole with a seedy past in the movie but it's also the reason he is making it out alive because he's fighting back. mf is running around with a tire iron and a gash down the side of his face and he's PISSED.
Jeonghan/Minghao - is taking things a little too...unseriously. like "why are you guys freaking out? ooooh he's gonna getcha!" probably even finds himself getting caught or injured and laughs when everyone gets mad at him because "it was just a joke, omg u guys". definitely turns out to be the killer in the end.
Joshua - god, sorry, but he's the handsome, sweet, innocent boyfriend of the female lead who gets absolutely gutted by the killer in the first half of the movie. Like he is the letterman jacket-wearing jock bf of Drew Barrymore's character in the original Scream. He was truly a bystander but boy is he pretty.
Junhui/Hoshi - He's just a side character but the whole audience loves him! and then he gets kidnapped and disappears halfway thru the movie so everyone assumes he's dead but just when the killer is about to whack the main character he shows up out of nowhere and knocks them out with a fire extinguisher to save them. he's a hero, baby. he still might get got tho :/
Woozi - can we get fluffy for a sec? i know it's horror tropes but this is Thackery Binx from Hocus Pocus, ok? he was kind of a little shit and then he got turned into a cat so now he's chasing around these three idiot kids trying to help them stop the witches from eating all the kids in Salem and he's perpetually irritated at his lack of opposable thumbs bc if he had them, he could just do it all himself.
Wonwoo - he's the dark-knight detective on the case. he's scary, kinda shady, and is likely doing a ton of illegal shit to find leads and force information out of people, but he's not a bad guy. He's been on the case for over a decade and lives off black coffee and cigarettes. definitely makes it to the end and has a hand in taking the killer down.
Mingyu - ok, yes, i still think he's the token slasher-bimbo - like he's the opening kill before the title sequence BUT alternatively, he's the martyr...he's the character you end up loving and then you have to watch as he sacrifices himself so everyone else lives & we love/hate him for it. We weep for him. We write alternate ending fics for him.
Seokmin - Sigh, he's the dad who buys the super-haunted house in a paranormal horror flick. He can't afford to move because he poured his life savings into buying the house. Shit keeps getting progressively worse. His dog chased something into the woods and never came back. His kids are possessed. His wife is floating in the corner and making weird noises. but he's hot - like ryan reynolds in Amityville.
Vernon - bro, he is actually Darry from Jeepers Creepers. I literally can't explain this to you if you haven't watched this CLASSIC and those of you who have seen it...you get it. Like why tf is he ignoring Ms. Dabney????? she's trying to save him and he's like...ok weirdo...i'm gonna go check out that hole where it looks like bodies are being dumped...bye.
Seungkwan - he's not going in that fuck-ass house dude. he's not doing it. he will stand guard with whatever makeshift weapon he can find and he's talking mad shit about everyone and their stupid plan the whole time he's waiting. he is, however, a good friend, and he will run into the house the first time he hears someone scream. is soooo pissed when he finds out it was over nothing and now he's stuck with everyone else in the death trap.
Chan - he is the planner, the optimist, the strategist. he is getting everyone the hell out and he's got the brains and balls to pull it all off. like, my boi is setting traps as if he's Freddie in Scooby Doo. He is pissing the killer off left and right. definitely gets himself in a pinch - almost meets his end - and still, somehow finds a way to live.
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Hey Moshang nation!
It's that time again! The time where I can't sleep because these boys just filled me with feelings and I need to shout them out!
SO!
MBJ managed to banish his uncle after SQH stopped LGJ from killing his king. They are both battered, weak And tired. But SQH still has strength to give MBJ a piece of his mind and worst if all, leave.
"You dare?!" The king roars, helpless in anger and fear.
"Oh I dare!" SQH replies, his face twisted into an ugly mixture of relief, borderline sadistic delight and heartbreak. "you will never see me again, my king" He sniffs. "Not in a million years" but even as he says it, he can already feel his heart crumble. It's painful. He truly loves this spoiled brat. He wished he'd known that he could've changed the story. Maybe they could've had a happier one.
"SHANG QINGHUA !"
"Good bye, my king..." He says with a smile. He leaves only to collapse outside of ritual's site. He struggles with the urge to go back, to apologize, to grovel and plead for mercy.
But it's too late. There's nothing left for him. The story is over.
Luo Bīnghé has his shizun. Cucumber bro has his story the way he always wanted it. The humans and demons found peace. His king has come to his power and rid himself of his greatest foe. Happy endings for all! Well, almost all. All who deserve it.
It's time.
It's time for him to go back. To go home where he belongs. Back to what he deserves.
SQH open the System's window and presses the 'Return' option.
*************
Airplane wakes up to the smell of burning hair, days old sugar and filth. He's home. No one comes to greet him but the sounds of his neighbors squabbling to his right. He's home. There is no one here but him. He's home. Was it all a dream? He's home. No one sees him cry.
Eventually he does stop crying. He's home. He hates it. But after all the years he's lived so far, he can't help but do something about it.
He's just an old, lonely man in a 20-something's body. He can't live like this. He needs to make this life mean something.
Third time's the charm, right?
He gets his shit a little together.
He cleans, for one. Deep cleans both the apartment and himself, needing it to cleanse himself from that dream. But-- It's funny. Seeing his old face after almost.... Decades? Centuries? Have passed.
He's not that different, funnily enough. More marred, less polished. But the same unassuming face, perfect for blending in a crowd and making no impression on people. He misses his old new face.
After getting the basics out of the way, he starts thinking bigger.
What should he be now?
He's been a failure of a son, a hack writer, a pitiful cultivator, a traitorous peak lord, a mediocre spy. He wishes he could've been more. Better. He tries not to but thinks of MBJ.
His phone rings.
Apparently, his new role turned out to be an actual, legit published author.
He has an agent now that makes sure he gets the best deal from PIDW, merchandise and all that. It's weird to have someone actually doing stuff for him, going to bat for him, fighting to get him the best.
He has a lot more money than before. Too much. He doesn't know what to do with it all. He thinks about his disciples and buying them trinkets for their birthdays. He thinks of MQF and WQW and what all this money could provide for them. He thinks of MBJ and thinks silly things.
He thinks of being a sugar daddy. He thinks about taking his king on a date. He thinks of how the Demon King would react to the modern world and all the things Airplane could buy him now. He thinks so much he doesn't sleep. And when he does sleep, he dreams.
He dreams about his king and being equals to him. Of standing with himon the castle parapets, side by side, looking out onto the beautiful north.
"Shang Qinghua" his king would call.
"I'm here" he'd say, placing a hand over MBJ'S.
But MBJ would never hold it back.
Even his dreams knew better than to tell him such an egregious lie.
Still...
It was nice just stand by his side and pretend.
"I'm here, my king"
*************
His book is going to have a hardcover. Who would've thought? Peerless Cucumber would've had a conniption if he knew. Airplane wishes he could see his face, his actual face, when he told him. It'd be hilarious!
....
Peerless Cucumber wasn't much of a friend but...
Was it strange that he missed him so?
The man hated him and his story but he was the closest thing to a friend Airplane had ever had. He was so mean and demanding. And he could've been just a dream.
But he also had a strange way of caring about SQH. Of sharing jokes. Of being Like a safe harbor.
Airplane knew that there was no way Cucumber bro missed him. He was too busy with his happy ending, for sure. Even if it hadn't been a dream, who in their right mind would spare a thought for SQH?
Still... He wished he could talk to the man, at least one more time.
Cucumber bro had a family. A family that like, cared for him and such. Maybe there was a last wish he could fulfill for him. Or tell them something for him. SQQ might've never seen him as a friend but Airplane Did. And that had to count for something right?
He doesn't sleep. And when he does, he dreams about things he misses.
He dreams of An Ding in the lull of the afternoon. The hot summer breeze coming from the windows agitating the many papers on his desk. His king, a cool presence on his right. SQQ lazily fanning himself before Him. Bīnghé watchfully observing them from SQQ side Sweets and perfectly brewed tea that his talented son had made on the table between them.
This never happened. SQQ would never share the treats LBH made with him. LBH wouldn't share his shizun with anyone. MBJ wouldn't have tolerated the heat.
But this was so nice, so different and... Well, it was almost like they were... Friends? No. A family?
Not in the traditional sense, of course. But in that way when people choose others to be their family. Like-- like he could rely on them. Like they cared about him.
It was... Nice. It was a nice dream.
"Thank you for this" he told LBH, lifting his cup in thanks. "Never have I tasted such a splendid blend"
Red eyes pinned him down in a flash. Aiya, such an intense stare on one's father! No need to kill the mood!
"I'm not doing this for free, Shishu"
Such a cold voice too! He wished that his dreams would allow his son to be kinder to him... Tho, he really didn't deserve it, did he?
"No, you do not"
Ah, well--
Wait.
"What???"
"Where the hell are you, Shishu?"
"What... What the fuck?!"
SQQ, who up till now has been in his poised immortal stance, sprang to life. He shut his fan with a snap and almost lunged at SQH. "AIRPLANE!"
"BRO??"
"Where are you? What have you done?!"
Done? He hadn't done Anything!
"Oh yes the fuck you did!"
Shit, he had to stop thinking out loud!
"You're--" Cucumber bro really seemed like he was going to strangle him. "We're inside your head, idiot. In your dream!"
Oh.
He was going insane, then.
Cool.
SQQ buried his face in his hands and garbled a scream.
"Shishu" LBH called out, darkly. He looked so upset. Probably because SQQ was in distress. "Where are you?"
"I'm ha ha Home? I think?"
"Where in An Ding are you?" LBH demanded.
"I'm-- I'm not on An Ding"
"What?!"
"Airplane, for the last goddamn time, where the hell are you?"
Airplane shifted his gaze from LBH to SQQ, back and forth before he settled on his fellow transmigrator and said: "Home, bro. I'm home."
Ok, it was kinda funny to see Cucumber bro's jaw drop.
"How--when-- I-- Air-"
"The story was over, bro. Everybody got what they wanted. I had to go."
"Did the system force you to go?!" Wow. It almost sounded like SQQ was concerned about him.
"This is such a weird dream, I swear to god"
"Airplane. Focus!"
"Aw, ok. Well... No? Like, The story was over and all that jazz and it gave me the option of returning? So I did?"
"Why... Why would you do that?!"
"Because, man!" He gestured to everything around them. "None of this is mine. You know? This world, the story, it changed. It didn't.. need me. Nobody needed me anymore and... I was tired, bro. I was hurt and I was tired so... I left." He shrugged, even if it still stung a bit.
"Airplane--"
"Shang-shishu, you must come back"
Airplane frowned. "Why? I've trained a lot of disciples before you came around If you need an accountant or a spy, you can have your pick, son"
This time, LBH was the one that frowned, looking a little perplexed.
"Airplane, listen to me-- No, *shut up*, just listen. This is a dream but it's also real, ok? We're in your dreamscape. You were SQH!! You helped me when I first came to CQ. You helped MBJ and LBH and you-- you did a lot of stuff. Stuff I didn't even know about until you were gone. All of it was real."
"But--"
"I said shut up. Airplane, the world is falling apart. Bīnghé is it's energy source but But you-- fuck, I don't know, where it's RAM? Processing unit? Memory? Things are disappearing, people are going from normal to their PIDW setting, MBJ has gone insane--"
"My king?"
"Seriously? That's what you're gonna focus on?!"
"Look whose talki--"
"Fine! He's tearing the realms apart looking for you and the things he's tearing aren't healing. There's this great big... Nothing! Just growing every day! Airplane, you have to come back!"
"Bro, I--"
"Airplane!"
"Bro, I can't! I don't know how!"
"Airplane!"
"I don't know!"
"Airplane--"
"I don't know! I don't know! I don't know, man! Fuck! JUST---"
"Air--"
"Leave me alone!" He screams.
And wakes up on the floor.
The neighbors upstairs are pounding down at him to shut up. It's barely dawn. It's cold and grey and dead and Airplane can't catch his breath.
He needed to go back...?
His king... Was looking for him...?
The world wasn't right without him?
What a fucked up dream...
He really should go out more. He should make some real friends. Two lifetimes under his belt and he has still not had a real, honest to God friend.
Maybe if he at least had one true, good friend, he wouldn't... He wouldn't consider this-- this mad dream.
....
There was no way LBH could reach him here. Not Bingmei, at least. He couldn't. He's not that powerful.
And if he was that powerful, surely he wouldn't have wasted his power trying to contact him of all people. His role in that works had only been to survive.
If anyone was invaluable to that plot, it was Cucumber bro.
He was the one that remembered every monster and every power up. Every bride and every foe. Everyone fell in love with Cucumber bro... So surely, the System would've just replaced SQH for SQQ as it's back up, right?
Of course, right.
It was all just a stupid dream.
It was best to let it go and just not think about it.
***********
But the thought lingered with him, as the grey of dawn was smeared with purples and pinks and reds and blues. He carried it through his morning routine and as he sat down to work on editing PIDW. It paralyzed his fingers, as he stared blankly at the screen.
Only one person had ever needed him.
Not all the time, he would never be that indispensable. But for a couple of times, for brief moments in time... Mobei Jun had needed him. And he had not failed him.
He stared at the name on his screen.
Shang Qinghua.
This was so stupid. The dumbest thing he ever allowed himself to linger on. Angrily, he erased that stupid name from the paragraph and made up another. It felt good. It felt right and oh so very wrong.
He copied the name and used it to replace that cursed thing.
There was no more Shang Qinghua. This dumb story didn't need a Shang Qinghua. Nobody had ever cared about him. *No one would ever miss him.*
Slamming the final replacement keys, Airplane pulled back and decided to make use of all that money.
******
He didn't sleep. And when he did, it was with the careful aid of prescribed medication that his fancy new shrink gave him. He didn't dream about his king anymore, which made him sad. He didn't dream about Cucumber and Binghe, either which was a plus.
So what if he woke up tired or sore, like he had been running away the whole night? So what if he felt too cold or too hot at night but couldn't wake up to do anything about it? So what if there was always something that he couldn't shake off, a touch that branded him every night?
The editing of PIDW was doing great and soon the first hard copies would hit the book shelves. There was a lot of buzz online when people heard there would changes, new material that wasn't in the self published version. Pre copies had surpassed their initial goals.
Airplane Shooting towards the sky was about to become a very wealthy man.
His agent and his publisher took him out to celebrate. It was weird. It was new. Nobody had ever toasted to hai health before. The added respectful titles to his name and patted his back. It was weird. It was... Kinda nice?
He drank too much and lost track of himself.
He didn't take his pills.
He didn't remember leaving the restaurant or how he got home. He remembered hitting the bed and it was cold and he thought of his king and how he wished MBJ could see him now.
Would his king be proud? Would he finally actually smile? Airplane had done it!
He had made PIDW legit
He had made PIDW better.
He had made sure that Shang Qinghua never ever would hurt his king again.
And with that in his heart, he fell asleep.
He didn't dream of An Ding this time. It took him a while to actually identify where he was. Everything was so... White.
But then just like a camera lense coming into focus, he saw him. Mobei Jun. His king. He was waiting for him.
Shang Qinghua rushed to his side, still so happy but not being able to recall why.
Ah well!Any chance to see his king was a happy one, he decided as he bowed to the demon king.
"I'm so sorry for making you wait,my king!" He couldn't erase the smile from his face. "I'm here now"
MBJ stared at him in that unreadable way of his, in silence and furrowed concentration.
"My king?"
"Who are you?" The ice demon asked.
SQH paused, his smile slipping from his lips. "Wha-- My king? It's me. Your servant. Shang Qinghua.
The demon's eyes narrowed. "No."
"... No?" What did he mean no?! Had MBJ forgot about him? Was he being fired?
"You can't be him."
"My king?? It is me. Why would you say that?"
MBJ points to the side and in that white haze a mirror sprung. Airplane stares at himself in all his disgusting, disappointing glory.
Ah.
Yeah...
... That.
It was hard to see anything under such an ugly facade, huh?
"Who are you?" The ice demon asked again and Airplane wondered if this was how Alice felt, when that question was hers to answer.
"Not sure." He replied. "I was so certain, a while back.I was the unwanted, for a while. Then I was the author. But that kinda morphed into being the peak lord and the spy. Sometimes... I almost felt like I was something else. Something new." he shrugged. "Sometimes I was Shang Qinghua. Now, I think I'm no one."
The demon king stared at him, unreadable and unreachable.
"God, I wish I could've been more for you. You were always my favorite. Even when you were mean and spoiled. Even when I didn't like you that much. You were always my favorite. You're still my favorite"
The ice demon didn't move but still Airplane felt him closer.
"I wish I knew I could be something more..." but the words are choked and wrong. He laughed, shaking his head. "Maybe I'll write us a new story, eh my king? Would you like that?"
"It would be just you and me. The world would be dangerous but maybe... A little less cruel? You'd take care of me and I'd take care of you? We'd overcome challenges together. We'd suffer lows together. We'd trust no one more than one another. We'd-- I'd find a way to make you happy. And you..."
His king arched a brow as his gaze intensified.
"You would be on your best behavior and... And--- you'd love me" why did it sound like he was crying? Fuck he didn't want to cry! Stop crying! "You'd love me and love me well. You wouldn't-- And I wouldn't-- "
"Shang Qinghua."
"It would be such a lovely story, my king. It truly would be. If only I could find a way for someone like you to fall in love with someone like me."
"Shang Qinghua..."
"I--"
A cold finger pressed against his lips.
"Shang Qinghua..." His king is so close. He missed him being this close. His mere presence invokes fear but also safety. "Come back."
Airplane shook his head again. "I can't."
Large, cool hands come up to cradle his face. "Come back."
"I can't...!"
Mobei Jun pressed his forehead to his. "... Come back to me."
What...?
"Come back to me..." His king purrs, keeping him close. "Come back to me... Please..."
He's going insane.
This time there's no doubt.
"Then we are both mad" His king say, his thumbs running the trail of Airplane's tears. "Come back to me..."
"You can't..."
"What can't this king do?"
"You can't want me back." This was another fucked up dream, wasn't it? "You said--"
"I was wrong."
"You would never say that. Not to me."
"And who are you to say that?"
"Nobody in the world knows you better than I do, my king!" He had not only made MBJ but also had to live with him! There was no way-
"Why is that?"
"Because I am Shang Qinghua!" He almost yelled, trying and failing to pull back from the demon's hold.
"And where is Qinghua's Place?"
*With you, my king*
But a sound screams at his ear before he can say it. Airplane wakes up with a start and groans noisely. Fucked up dream! Fucked! Up! Dream!
And yet he turned, chasing its shards.
Come back to me...
"My king..."
He gets up and changes the name back.
Shang Qinghua's place was always with Mobei Jun.
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Bi Buck and the internet interneting
I'm absolutely fucking living for the positive male bisexual representation we've been getting in media. Three masc male bis in the past year (and some change) is fucking amazing. Not only are they coming into their sexualities, their growth and development is detailed and explicit.
Furthermore, we have them having their sexual awakenings at different phases in their lives. There's no timetable on figuring out your sexuality. Personally, I as already in my late-20s/early thirties when I realized that yes my aesthetic appreciation for women was more than just aesthetic appreciation. We have Nick Nelson falling in love with his friend in high school, Alex Claremont-Diaz falling in love and having his awakening in his early-mid twenties, and now Buck realizing that his jealousy and feelings are more than just wanting to be friends in his early thirties.
Of course, the internet loses its collective minds--mostly for good, but you know the internet is always going to the internet.
There were a bunch of comments about how the show was "ruined" and asking why everything has to be gay. Here are some direct quotes.
"ABC just fucked up an amazing show and ruined my favorite character."
"Enough already. Why must it be in every freaking show on television? We'll see how the ratings go."
"Not Buck😢. ABC has just ruined 9-1-1."
"I'm done... tired of not being able to watch anything with the gay agenda having to be added."
"Ruined the show for me."
"WHY WOULD YOU RUIN BUCKS CHARACTER LIKE THIS. BYE"
"BRO WHY DID YOU MAKE BUCK GAY NO"
"Didn't and don't like where this Buck storyline is going.. smh"
Let's start breaking down this fucking foolery. First and foremost, 9-1-1 is a RYAN MURPHY show and the show has been queer af the whole fucking time. What we're not going to do is erase Hen like she hasn't been there the whole fucking time.
So, I personally this that people are mad about this development in his character because Buck is masc. Not only masc, but he's a firefighter, a manly man's job. Being a queer masc in that type of setting is threatening to some men's heteronormative opinion of what masculinity is. It makes them uncomfortable because he's not a stereotype. Buck's personality hasn't changed because he's started kissing boys. Hen is not an issue because Hen having a more traditionally masculine role as a lesbian is not "threatening" to their opinions of what masculinity is. Michael isn't an issue because he's not a main character, he's not in the 118.
But someone is like "not everything is homophobia" and went on to say about how sometimes people just don't like change and that if you got to know someone for six years as straight you won't like it if they were suddenly queer.
Holy microaggressive queerphobia Batman.
Buck hasn't changed more than his character growth and development over the years. Also, they've been shining a queer beacon over his head for years, which is why so many people were hesitant to get invested in the show thinking it was just going to be another queerbaiting situation.
As a bi myself, I am ecstatic to see more and more positive representation, but to sit here and say that his character is ruined or the show is ruined because he did what they've been hinting at for years, that's goofy.
Like, if queerness offends you so much, why are you watching it?
Moral of the story is that queer people come in all shapes, sizes, personalities, mannerisms, etc. The fact that media is including more masculine presenting queer men is amazing, because we've been force-fed stereotypes that are palatable for straight men for decades. It's supercalafragulisticexpialidous that we have bisexual male representation because that's new new. There's so much biphobia and bi-erasure it's so amazing to see it on the screen (and also not just being queerbaited for years.)
Hollywood: Keep it up.
And because I can: have some bi boy appreciation:
Just lusting; nothing to see here.
Honestly, though Taylor is so fucking pretty, he's literally punchable.
They're literally low key raising a family together, and ya'll are surprised. (Also, side note, I will die for Christopher.)
#9 1 1#9 1 1 abc#9 1 1 buck#evan buckley#buck#bi buck#911 spoilers#911 abc#bisexuality#queer characters#gay firefighter show#queer media#queer identities#bisexual representation#nick nelson#alex claremont diaz#masc bisexual characters#rant
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Thinking about childhood today
Thinking about when I started school. And kids would talk to me. And I just... would not speak. Just did not have words. They said I was cold or rude. Eventually called me a ghost. Treated me as a non-person. Would not talk to adults, either. Not teachers, not doctors.
Thinking about how that continued on forever.
They ask me a question, I could show them an answer, if they asked what book or what animal or anything, I'd show them but that's 'rude.'
Thinking about how I could not speak to my parents, only pushed out words to them when they threatened me.
And how that continued on forever.
I struggle to speak without very specific scripts. I can write. Not with more social knowledge but at least words come, I have so many words in my brain. I use AAC pretty well.
But I never had words for my parents or my grandparents, for my cousins or aunts or uncles. They grew old and away or passed away and I never had 'conversations' with them that weren't 'hi how are you okay bye' (a script) or echoes that they half-way understood. My father used to frequently tell me he didn't know who I was because I didn't speak to him. Of course, he didn't want scripts and was annoyed by echoes. He wouldn't look at the art I made or read my writing or watch movies or shows or share music with me. He refused every other way I had to communicate. My dad would not read the (literal) writing on the wall so... in the end he was right.
He never did know who I was.
My siblings and I echo (echolalia) back and forth to each other and that is our language, but as speech therapists will account for, echo isn't considered 'independently speaking' which I guess is their way of saying 'not speaking the right way,' which is to say, 'so that the outside understands.' Which is a shame because I love so many things I have many echoes for many occasions! They are just not original phrases or thoughts, just adopted reactions because as it's been made painfully clear to me, I will never have my own.
As if I am the impression of all that touches me but nothing else.
If people see me echo or script, they assume I talk with no difficulty. But I can't, and when they inevitably experience that, they get angry and think I'm rude/cold/hateful. And they take it out on me and are congratulated for it because I'm so hateful for not speaking. I get tired. Tired of living for abuse. Even other people with speech difficulties, because guess what? They don't magically understand, either, and I don't have a way to explain because of the assumptions of how being semiverbal works, at least for me.
The assumption is always, somehow, that you speak typically except for episodes of speech loss-which is bizarre to me, because I (and the majority of other developmentally delayed and intellectually disabled autistics I've known in the flesh) who have been semiverbal definitely do not communicate like that. But then, I guess that makes sense that people don't know that, because we're not really among the autistic people who typically 'get out much.'
Why is speaking so hard? Why can't I understand it? Why can't I do it right? How come I know where to put italics but can't make the people bark sound? I've had decades to be at least as good as a middle schooler so why can't I do it? Even if I try to talk to friends when they repeat back to me I realize that I haven't said enough to be understood or to make sense.
Why am I so bad at this? It's rhetorical. Of course I know it's my autism. It just affects me so bad that I can't make new friends or ask necessary questions or to protect myself.
I just stare at people I'd love to talk to and reach out to but we can be two feet apart and oceans away at the same time.
Cuz we'll never talk, and that's just the truth.
My experience of semi-verbal/semi-speaking is all the time, not episodic speech loss.
While I have empathy for those with episodic speech loss and nonspeaking people, our experiences are not the same. Please stop assuming all semi-speaking people suffer episodic speech loss but otherwise have normal speech. You're erasing people like me, thanks.
-
I'm very much for everyone staying in their respective lanes! All our experiences should be respected and should have their space. For that reason...
Verbal/typically speaking people
People who experience speech loss episodes/selective mutism/anxiety related speech loss/speech difficulty is not a permanent state of being
Nonverbal/nonspeaking people
DNI with this post please! It's not for you-
#actually autistic#actually semi verbal#actually semispeaking#semi speaking#semi verbal#childhood#I still don't understand#if I could give the answer#why does speaking out loud matter so much?#but it does and to everyone#echolalia#echo#developmental disability#who will keep the police from killing me even if I could speak to them? exactly#who will keep the transphobes from attacking me even if I could call them out? exactly#who will keep doctors from medical ableism even if I could speak to them? exactly#semiverbal#semispeaking#moderate support needs#higher support needs#autism#asd#neuropunk
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Today, focus was a precious commodity and I ended up behind at work so did not get the chance to post the conversation as promised.
But now, here we are, the "conversation"--and I do use that term loosely--that I had with an Astarion girlie.
Allow me to set the scene.
This happened on a video where a streamer was, I assume, HORRIFIED to find that if she just self-insert played the game with answers she would give--SHOCK!--Gale was the companion who liked her the most. I can't imagine why.
Anyway, the comments section was the predictable Gale-bashing. Some in good fun. Most of it not. And I'm me, so I just couldn't help myself, because I see too much of my younger self [ who still tried to engage with people and connect but didn't know how ] in Gale, so I responded to a couple of comments. This was the one that prompted this little meeting of the... well, one mind and then whatever the other person was operating with. Must have been a different Operating System, because it sure didn't make sense to me.
It is below the cut, as are my thoughts because it turned into a long post as, apparently, I had many thoughts.
Astarion Girlie [ henceforth AG ]: THEN HE CAN GO SUCK OFF LETTO II ON ARRAKIS CUZ I AM NOT HERE FOR GALE'S SEXIST A$$ 😤
Me: First: how is Gale sexist? Second: and yet you're okay with Astarion [ NOTE: the username had something to do with what Astarion could do for them, so I made an educated guess ] who is canonically racist, knowingly lured people to their deaths, and was fine with condemning the world for himself???
AG: are you serious??? 🤣 Gale mansplains EVERYTHING to the women around him including magic to other magic-user, uses coercion as a flirting tactic, & slvt-shames Tav if you're romancing someone else.
Me: Wow. There is so much wrong with that. 1) Tell me you don't have an autistic friend without telling me. 2) He explains to EVERYONE not just women. 3) Genuinely? What coercion? 4) He just tells you -- He isn't for an open relationship [ says he wishes you had asked him first which is y'know healthy? ] and asks you to choose, then says he wishes you well if you don't choose him.
AG: have you considered touching grass?
Me: This is such an intelligent rebuttal. Brava! So insightful and useful to a debate. Have you considered maybe listening to others without belitting them because you can't have a friendly discussion?
AG: 1) all of my friends are auDHD and so am i. you're an ableist joke. 😘 2) now you're gale-splaining his sexism 😂 3) i'm not interested in continuing with someone as clearly unwell as you are, bye!
Me: I AM autistic, friend. 2) It's not sexism if he's literally explaining his special interest to EVERYONE regardless of sex. 3) Again, quite mature. Thank you. 👏👏👏
I am just. How??? can anyone be so ??? I do not even have a word for it. It baffles me.
Astarion has canonically done terrible things, would canonically do many even more terrible if not swayed from it, and yet Gale??? is the one with whom they have a problem??? And they can't even logic their own argument???
As someone who is autistic and has been a victim of continued mental and emotional abuse from someone who always wanted to play the victim card and as someone who was always given the excuse "well they're not well and you know it, so you just have to deal with it and don't argue" when they're going out of their way to make your life hell and trying to frame you as their own personal villain, up to and including gaslighting you to the point of nearly two decades of depression, making you feel like you were broken and the worst human being in the world, and having you contemplating things you shouldn't, and them lying to others about things that happened or things that were said to get you in trouble, I get very, very tired of the mentality I see so much around the crazed Astarion Girlies of excusing everything he has ever done and being unable to even acknowledge a single flaw and attacking anyone who does say anything.
I have and continue to live that, have been and continue to be on the other side of it having to suffer because someone else wasn't held accountable, and I am Tired. [ At least now, thanks to my best friend in the entire world, I can see it for what it is and I'm in at least a better place now mentally, 98% of the time. ]
[ NOTE: This is NOT against the Astarion writers I have seen on here. Please do not misunderstand. The Astarion writers I follow on here are the only reason I can still even marginally like the character at this point. He is fascinating. He is multi-faceted. It's one of the things I love to see explored by those who I follow. It is always interesting to see people write complex and even morally difficult characters because that, too, is a form of understanding humanity. It's one of the things I love exploring with my anti-heroes and villains. In Baldur's Gate, that would include characters like Raphael, Gortash, Dirge, etc. So please know I am not hating on any Astarion writers! Everyone I follow is amazing! ]
But when you bring up those character flaws and morally difficult things that does make the character so complex and multi-faceted, these are the responses you get:
Astarion is a victim!
Yes, that is true. But Gortash who, let's be honest, at least doesn't fully know what he's doing is wrong [ you pass the insight checks and what not/narration tells you/the VA tells you that he thinks he's doing the right thing for himself and for the city, etc. and with the way he was raised, what example did he have to the contrary but I've already gone on that rant HERE ] is to the smallest degree even less culpable in my mind than Astarion, and he doesn't get a pass the way Astarion does? And he certainly shouldn't. He isn't absolved. He is doing terrible things whether he can fully rationalize it or not with his understanding of life.
Astarion though, acknowledges on multiple occasions, gives excuses, justifies his actions at every turn while still knowing that what he's doing and planning to do is wrong. And it's heavily implied that he really wasn't all that great of a person BEFORE Cazador either [ that is not to say that he deserved what happened either, just to clarify ]. But the point is Astarion did, at one point, having come from what seems an affluent family, have a knowledge of right and wrong and still made decisions that he made, even before Cazador and after once he was free.
Cazador made him do those things! Yes, he did, but that excuse stopped the moment Cazador's control was no longer an issue. He had free will and a knowledge of right and wrong, and he made the decisions he made.
But it was a habit by then! It was what he learned to survive!
And that coupled with the knowledge of right and wrong goes only so far as the moment you choose to knowingly make your trauma someone else's. Cazador wasn't going to force him to do the Ascension ritual and pay 7,000 souls for his own betterment. "Because after 200 years of SHIT, PURE SHIT, I think I deserve better." A paraphrase, but I think I caught the most important parts. He knew it was wrong, he acknowledges it and immediately tries to justify himself, and is still quite willing to do it. Literally, if he kills you by draining your blood, he acts like nothing ever happened and then tries to sweep it under the rug with Tav if they continue to be upset about it by telling them there's no reason to be.
And yet, we have a problem with Gale, who can be or come across as condescending at times, but I think you can hardly call a man sexist who made his girlfriend his entire personality--since she was the goddess of his SPECIAL INTEREST--and continues to put her word above even his own life, prioritize her forgiveness over his continued existence and who takes such great interest in literally everything Lae'zel has to say about the Astral Plane and her people. We have a problem with a man who is honest about his comfort zone? Who loves your PC even if you become a mindflayer? Who only takes issue with you when you do something morally bad? Who literally gives you approval points for anything even remotely resembling a good choice? Who feels like he doesn't even deserve a place in the world and would gladly give himself up for any one of his companions?
He's always harassing me for items!!!! AND HE GOT MAD WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM TO HIM!!!
The count is THREE and you can give the man the most trash items you have and he still thanks you and tells you that he will repay your kindness because he knows what such sacrifice means. He is thanking you--just as he gets mad at you if you don't--because he literally has a ticking bomb in his chest that would kill not only HIM if it de-stabilized and exploded, but also anyone within the vicinity.
Well he betrayed Mystra!!!
He tried to get on equal footing with someone he loved, to share in something he loved with the person who embodied it. Was he overly ambitious? Absolutely. [ And honestly, tell me it's not Gifted Kid Syndrome -coded to assume that he could do this impossible thing. ] Did it cost him? Yes. And then Mystra, who could have fixed it and didn't cast him off. And he still prayed to her. And took all of the blame on himself, despite the fact that Mystra shares more than a little responsibility for what transpired. [ I.E. all of the Origin PCs have been victims in this game, in some way or another, and some if not all of them to power imbalances in relationships. Why does anyone think Gale is the one exception? ]
HE'S MANSPLAINING TO ME!!!
He is literally telling you all about his special interest and probably assuming that you don't know much about it, or at least not as much as him, because he was literally a Chosen of Mystra and an Archmage. Again, can he be condescending and huffy at times? Yes. He absolutely can. Call it a character flaw. Everyone has them, but you know what? His doesn't condemn anyone to death, so why are we up at arms?
HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!
And that is his prerogative and he's straightforward and honest with you about it. He tells you--if you already started flirting with or seeing someone--that he wishes you had the courtesy to tell him first [ which, IS IN FACT the healthy way to go about a relationship of that nature, just as shown with Halsin insisting you ask your partner first ]--but if you choose the other person, he wishes you both well, usually gives some compliment to the other person, and then continues to treat you well as long as you weren't rude and demeaning to him during or after the fact.
So why???? Is so much of the fanbase SO AGGRESSIVELY against Gale? But Astarion is uwu Babygirl and can do no wrong? What about defending Gale makes me "so unwell", but how DARE anyone rightfully criticize even the smallest thing about Astarion because [ insert extensive list of reasons why none of that should matter ].
That he is a victim, that he's pretty, that his VA has a great voice and personality, et cetera, does not excuse that Astarion has knowingly done terrible things both against and within his will and will do so again without hesitation if he helps him, particularly if your Durge or Tav doesn't try or manage to sway him.
Make this make sense to me, because I certainly cannot seem to make it do so.
I've said it before with that Gortash post I linked above and I said it on a similar post for Zevlor and somewhere that I was talking about Minthara and Nere, but the double standards within a loud portion of this fanbase--even within the game itself and among the people who worked on it--is not one of its better qualities.
#|| out of charm || { ooc }#|| ' full of sound and fury signifying nothing ' || { psas // thoughts // ramblings }#tw; abuse#tw; abuse mention#tw; suicide#tw; suicidal thoughts mention#// Vague blink & you'll probably miss it on the latter but still there so I'm putting the warning & tagging 'suicide' alone tag blocks
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cw/tw pet death
one of our cats is dying and needs to be put down in the morning and I am so distracted from even just being able to grieve because like
I like in basically two rooms in our house that can be dark enough so that I don't get overwhelmed by the light, and the kitties can't get in because leaving the doors open, especially when sleeping, it's a sensory nightmare. so I asked my mom over a year (possibly twi? ik it was more than a year and a half) ago if we could get kitty doors in the doors. and every month or two since then. no kitty doors. I asked her in large part because I knew I didn't have forever with them and I wanted to let them in so I could spend time with them, as I have spent virtually none in the last four or five years. no kitty doors. she kept saying she would. and now that chance is fucking passed for this entire little being. this kitty and I don't get another chance.
I'm so fucking livid and scared because it feels like no matter what I do no matter how I ask or how often important things never happen and I'm just never going to see people or anything I love before they die. for no reason. and that nothing is ever going to happen unless I do it myself, and it is so hard to stop myself from trying when I can't do stuff because it hurts me but it feels like the only way anything will ever happen (this has happened multiple times with health things where numerous doctors never figured something out until I googled it or saw a comment on instagram or something that put it together and brought it to them on a silver platter. it's a mindfuck because some of that stuff could have killed me so the feeling is uuh. very not good and very intense)
I'm sorry tinky (her name is Tink). I'm sorry I wasn't healthier for you and couldn't work it out myself. I'm sorry I wasn't a better advocate for you and that I couldn't love you in person as much as I love you from here. I couldn't have but still. I'm sorry. and I'm sorry my mom let us down like that. I feel so fucking helpless to help you or anyone else.
I feel so utterly powerless rn and like I should just say bye to everyone I love because they're just going to die and I'm never going to be given the oppurtunity to say hi or even bye because my mom is gonna forget, or get distracted, or not bother, no matter how many times I ask her or how I ask her, no matter if I cry while doing so. We were so close to actually getting a door too after years of asking begging offering to help in any way that I can. I'm so angry and scared rn.
I'm also terrified bc what if the same thing happens to our other kitty. they are sisters they are the same age and I've been terrified of that. I'm closer to the other kitty, picked her out myself when she was a kitten from a shelter few and I want to squeeze her close to me and never let her go and I can't even let her in to comfort her. I'm so mad.
I just wish it wasn't so obviously preventable. so obviously something that could have gone differently if my mom had just bothered to do so sooner. She gets to sleep with them every night. gets to see them and socialise with them every day, and yet she couldn't bother to arrange me being able to see them despite me begging her periodically for over a fucking year. I wish I didn't have to deal with THAT hurt and break of trust as well as my grief. the only thing that's stopping me from screaming at her is that it would wake my brother, and she was his more than anyone else's. he picked her out from the shelter almost a decade ago. and she would hear it and I don't want her to have her last night here be awful.
I'm so tired of my fucking parents. I'm so tired of them adding to existing issues and causing entirely new ones. I'm so exhausted and crying makes me sicker but I can't just not. I wish it didn't and I didn't have to be afraid of simply crying.
The amount of times I have only been able to just lay here feeling like shit and wishing they could lay here with me. they liked doing that. and now I'll never get the chance with her again. angry
I feel so fucking empty.
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Ten years | Chapter 4
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Masterlist
"Nothing happened with Benjamin, then?"
"Nope. He drove me home and we said goodbye."
"I guess things were a bit awkward after having to eat next to Declan and Birgit. But are you seeing him again?"
"Maybe... He was really nice and actually has something inside that pretty head of his."
"I knew you would like him! I just knew it!"
"Yes, yes, Claire. Congratulations."
"Is that why you are so... Off?"
"What?"
"Since you arrived you've been... Weird. You've barely touched your ice-cream, and you usually devour it."
"I'm not hungry, just that."
“Are you sure?”
"Yes, don't worry."
Better say that than the truth. That I barely slept last night thinking about Declan's fingers touching me and the memory they brought. A memory he wanted to bring back. But why? Is this revenge for insulting him and Birgit? Is he playing with me?
"That sigh tells me there is something else going on, tho."
"I sighed?"
"Yes, you did. And it was one of those grandma sighs, the ones that sound like “I'm so tired of living...” But hey, if you are not ready to tell me about it, I respect it. Just know that I'm here for you" Claire says, holding my hand and giving it a squeeze.
"I know. Thank you."
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
"Going out with Mr. Sexy again?"
"Please don't call him that."
"That's how the teens call him."
"Really?"
"Yep" Dom says. "One of the boys told me because, apparently, that was my title."
"Benjamin stole it from you?"
"He did, yeah. And I get it. If I was 16 and had him as my P.E. teacher, I would also call him Mr. Sexy. But instead, we had Mr. my breath smells like cheese."
"Oh, please, don't remind me of Mr. Halverson before a date."
"So it is a date, uh?" Dom says, moving his eyebrows up and down like that Milhouse gif.
"Yes, it is. And so was the first one, I've never denied it."
"I'm glad you are dating again. You deserve to take some time off, have fun, enjoy yourself with a hot guy... Have you enjoyed yourself with him yet?"
"I'm leaving. Good night, Dom."
"Oh, c'mon, don't let me hanging like that!"
"Bye" I say before closing the door behind me.
Nothing has happened between me and Benjamin. Not yet. But the fact that he's offered to make me dinner at his place, makes me think that it might tonight. And I don't know how to feel about it.
He's nice, hot, charming, intelligent... And he actually is interested on me. But he doesn't make me feel anything. When he smiles, I don't feel my stomach doing funny things. And when he's close, I don't feel my heart about to explode on my chest. With him, I don't feel the way I feel when Declan is the one around. And I hate it.
They say you never forget your first love, but it's been 10 years. A decade! Those feelings should be gone by now.
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
As I suspected, things are happening with Benjamin tonight. We are making out on his sofa, his t-shirt already gone somewhere. But I'm not able to focus on his kisses, on the way he is touching me, on the fact that his back has more muscles than I thought humanly possible.
"Are you ok?" he asks.
"Uh?"
"You don't seem to be enjoying this too much"
"Oh, no, it's just... I haven't been with anyone in a while and I'm a bit rusty."
"Should I go slower or something?"
"No, no. You’re fine, it's all just me. I'm thinking too much and I can't relax."
"Is there anything I can do to help with that?"
"I'm afraid not" I say, sitting up. "I'm sorry, Benjamin."
"You don't have to apologize for anything" he says, kissing my hand. "Do you want me to drive you home?"
"I think I'll walk. Thank you" I say, kissing his cheek.
He's too cute. Almost perfect. And I'm the biggest idiot out there.
━━━━━━❃━━━━━━
"Fuck" I say when I feel a few drops of rain on my face. I should have left Benjamin drive me home. By the time I make it, I'll be soaking wet.
While I try to decide if running is a good option or I'll end up slipping, a car stops next to me. Great. A weirdo.
"Do you need a lift home?"
"Declan? What are you doing out this late at night? Were you following me again?"
"I wasn’t" he says, rolling his eyes. "I was at my brother's house, he lives on this area."
"Oh, yes, true" I say, my hair starting to stick to my face now that it is properly raining.
"Do you want a lift or not?"
"Fine" I say, quickly running around his car and getting inside.
"Why didn't your boyfriend take you home?" Declan asks after a few seconds of silence.
"He isn't my boyfriend. And he offered, but I wanted to walk."
"Alone? At this time of the night? Are you crazy?"
"I needed to think."
"And you couldn't do that once you got home? Or on his car?"
"When did you become my dad, Declan?" I say, crossing my arms over my chest.
"I just worry about you."
"You do?"
"Yes. Why so surprised?"
"I don't know. I thought I was a bitch and that you didn't like me anymore."
"I still like you" he says, turning to look at me while the car is stopped on a red light.
"The light just turned green" I say, neither of us able to stop looking at the other.
"I know."
"Then why aren't we moving?"
"I don't know" he says, moving dangerously close to me.
"Holy shit!" I scream when I hear someone honking behind us.
"And here I thought this was a quiet town" Declan mutters, the car moving again.
After that, it's just silence until we make it home.
"Thank you" I say, struggling to get free on my seatbelt.
"Let me help you. This is my dad's car, and he mentioned something about this thing always getting stuck."
As he tries to help me, our hands touch, and I could swear I felt electricity going through my body, making it feel very warm. A feeling I should have felt earlier with Benjamin, not now with Declan.
"There you go. You are free."
"Thank you" I whisper. Again, he's too close. But this time his eyes aren't focused just on mine. They keep going down to my mouth, that warm feeling from before getting stronger.
And then he is kissing me. And I am kissing him back. It's been 10 years since the last time, but it feels like it's been just a couple of hours ago. Our bodies still remember the other, fitting perfectly together, as if we were made for the other.
When we break apart, both of us are panting a bit, my forehead resting on his, just like we used to do. But when he puts a lock of my hair behind my ear, making me feel all fuzzy inside, I snap back to reality.
"I better go, it's too late. Thank you for driving me home."
"Wait, no."
"Good night, Declan" I say, quickly getting out of the car and running towards my front door, my heart on my throat.
This is not ok. This should have not happened. I should not feel like this. I have moved on.
#declan rice#declan rice imagine#declan rice fanfic#declan rice x reader#football imagine#football fanfic
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hi sorry to place a mild rant here i just cant do journaling to myself. So i got diagnosed with pcos and i just got birth control to take. And i dont know how to feel about it. Im genderqueer but not ready to come out and like E was the only option they gave me and since im a teen i didnt know, still dont know, how, if, when i can tell these people that i dont think this is what i want. Im writing this right before im supposed to take my first pill and im scared. Scared i will hate it and will have to live with that because i just cant come out. But im also scared it will make me feel better. Do as my mom says and make me less tired, less cranky. Im scared that when she says that she is doing this because its the best for my health, that she is scientfically right. And my dr even mentioned how i didnt seem to care about anything they were talkin about (pills-side effects, “benefits”) but like after the fact i realized that i could have said that i didnt care because all that she wasnt going to improve my life in any fucking meaningful way. Like body hair? Love it. Or well i would like to remove some not all of it, and not feel like in removing like stomach hair that i was agreeing that i was a women or that hair is disgusting. Because i would remove hair for myself ya know. Not for the preconcieved idea of who i am and how i should look. And acne? If i cared id actually put my acne cream on. Fertility? Dont want children, and they talked about unwanted random fertility but im ace and sex repulsed. Beyond the first visit they didnt even mention cancer. Ive been telling myself im going to take these pills to prevent cancer in uterine lining. And im scared to look up how true thag is. I mean on how e decreases these helath risks. Im scared theyre right. Im scared their wrong. I will fucking riot if they are lying because that means this is for nothing. Im scared it wont give me gender dysphoria, scared i will have dysphoria because it wull peel layers off the dissasosiation i face.
and before all this i was planning on making my mom a presentation about intersex people and gender. Because shes supportive just a littl confused and not radical, im radical because grief has made me angry and i want to let her in on it ig. But i dont think i can do that anymore. Because i would have pointed myself out as intersex. Imply she could be too if she liked the label. But im scared that her being cis, and having struggled with weight and eating when she was a teen (and that pcos effects weight) would mean she would hate the idea. Would call me wrong or cite drs. She told me to shave under my arms once, for the convience when traveling light on vacation so that deodorant worked better?? And hours after she said it i realized if i existed for ease i would crase to exist. But im worried whats a good ease for her would be a killer for me. Idk anymore.
i guess any advice? But that will probably be to come out and i dont think i can do that.
any research or resources that proves im allowed to be angry? I think im just looking for people to tell me im normal for feeling this way. Having a bad day. Thanks for any.. help? Hope this wasnt triggering or anything, i just saw that you were nonbinary with pcos too- and yea. Okay bye
I really don't know if I'm the right person to answer this. I was already out as non-binary for years before I got my PCOS diagnosis. When they said "take these pills" I asked about the other options and they gave me none so I simply refused to take the pills. But I'm like,,, I don't super care about the negative affects of PCOS. I'm casually suicidal all the time and I'll keep living for my family but if something kills me I'm pretty alright with it. I don't really expect to live much longer than like, a handful of decades and like honestly the world is on fire so it'll probably be shorter. So like, my perspective on this is not necessarily a super healthy one? I'm fairly apathetic about my own existence.
But like, I understand your struggle here with wanting to explain the PCOS=intersex connection to your mom but knowing she'll respond poorly because she also has PCOS.
I really don't have any solid advice here. Just... I guess, consider really carefully how you want to feel in your body. If you've been enjoying the superficial changes the PCOS has done to your body with this weird little second puberty, maybe you should consider advocating for yourself a little more firmly about it. Your future health is important but so is your current comfort in your body.
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Here we are. As you might have guessed, I have a lot to say.
I never thought it would be this good. Even in my wildest dreams, even with my sky high expectations, I never thought the show would add this much depth to the game, I never thought I would love this Joel and Ellie as much (though differently) than the Joel and Ellie in the game.
Ashley as Anna was the best casting choice in a show filled with incredible casting choices
And her having Ellie's knife...it's such a small detail but just made my heart so full
"You fuckin tell em Ellie." BYE
I have been CRAVING the Anna/Marlene backstory and I am SO glad they delivered
"I cut it before I was bit." I'm crying thanks.
It's giving very much Ellie/Riley. What a parallel.
I really thought Marlene wasn't going to do it. I thought she was going to leave her.
Joel trying to get her to talk with Boggle. I love him so much.
And talking about teaching her how to play guitar I am in shambles.
"I found some dynamite in that RV back there."
I really love that they kept him saying that she's "extra quiet today." It's such a small, tiny little line, but it really is one of my favorites in the game, and I really couldn't even tell you why.
Them keeping every detail of the giraffe scene...thank you.
Him smiling and her laugh, it just adds more. I sound like a broken record, but the way he smiles at her and the way she laughs, everything that happened just melts away in that tiny moment, and it's the last moment they have like this, before the lie, before everything changes.
"The moon." Space Ellie <3
"I'll follow you anywhere you go."
I'll probably talk more about his in a separate post, but I think it's worth saying again that Joel is my favorite video game character of all time. I have loved him for almost a full decade, and I didn't think I could love him more. But when he sat down and he told Ellie the truth about his scar, I just..it's a kind of vulnerability I never expected from him, and to tell her something that even I didn't know (though I think I assumed).
The moment he said that he was the one that missed, I curled up into myself.
"It wasn't time that did it."
Him asking for the jokebook to lighten the mood, and telling her a joke was 0/10, I will cling to these things forever.
So glad they explained Ellie's immunity differently, I was so tired of hearing people bitch and complain about how Joel was actually completely right to save Ellie because a vaccine wouldn't have worked anyway.
Here's the thing: Joel isn't good. He is, in fact, bad in many, many people's stories. There are no heroes in these games, there are no heroes in this world, and Joel is just as much a villain as Abby is. Maybe even moreso, in some ways. Would I have done the same as Joel? Probably, but I am so glad that they have really hammered home the point that he was not "right" because there was no right choice.
I'm so glad they kept the hospital fight scene, and kept the machine gun.
Showing the faces of the Fireflies he kills is so perfect. Making us look at what he's doing.
The way he shoots Jerry immediately, no hesitation
And the focus on Jerry dead on the ground...Abs.
One of those doctors is absolutely Mel.
AND LAURA BAILEY PLAYED ONE OF THEM!!!!!!! ABBY HERE WE COME!!!
And so begins the lie. The big lie.
They kept so much of the end of the game, and I think it's largely because the end of the game is nearly perfect.
"I think you would have made her laugh." Peace y'all I've had enough.
Here's the thing about The Last of Us: it's not the game. Ashley's Ellie and Bella's Ellie are not the same, just like Troy's Joel and Pedro's Joel aren't either. But I think that's a strength. I love this Ellie and this Joel just as much as game Ellie and game Joel, but I love them for different reasons. I love this Ellie's dryness, her sadistic streak, and her fear. I love this Joel's gentleness, his laugh, and his willingness to be open, even if he's afraid of it. They aren't the same, and that's a good thing.
I love these games more than any other. Everyone in my life has heard me talk about them at length, and to have this adaptation, this incredible adaptation at my fingertips at any time, made by people who care so much about the games? It just makes me really emotional.
I also want to say one thing about Part II and season 2...I know how bad the takes are going to be, I know how much people will hate Abby, no matter where the story takes her or what her narrative journey is. Already, I'm seeing nasty videos and posts about her sections of Part II, but if you, like me, love Abby just as much as Ellie, I have full and complete faith that Craig and Neil will do everything they can to do her story justice, and I for one am so excited for it.
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23-12-17
Good news, I'm feeling much better than before. I'm rapidly starting to heal from my sickness. These past couple days I've felt so weak. Could barely even get out of bed or eat, and I was too tired to do anything, but at the same time, so tirelessly bored. Since my grandparents moved out, I got to have their much more spacious room. These past couple of days, we've been cleaning and emptying it, and today we've moved my furniture to it. This is really bitter-sweet for me. My old room had a couple of problems. For some reason, it's the only room that has a temperature problem, so when it's hot, it's really hot, and when it's cold, it's really cold. It was also really small and cramped, but to be honest, I think I prefer a room like that. Everything was in arms-reach. Both these issues are fixed, but that room was so sentimental to me. I've lived in there for the last decade maybe. It's probably where I've spent most of my time. So many significant memories were made in there, happy and sad. I've shuffled the furniture around in it before, but never full on left it permanently. This is new for me. Makes me philosophical, which I've been indulging in a lot recently. Glad I have a lot of pictures of that room though, it'll be missed a lot by me. Good bye old room, the memories you've brought me won't be forgotten. Good night.
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cataloguing some twitter + bluesky threads about fc4/pajay thoughts (currently taking a break from revisiting it because of BG3 worming into my brain) (laugh track)
2:50 PM · Sep 18, 2023
something I've been stuck thinking about as I read all this FC4 fic from my time in the fandom a decade ago, and newer stuff written in the years since… very few people actually have Ajay go to Pagan's side over the Golden Path because of his mother
Like, outside of the secret ending. Stories mostly have him going over to Pagan because horny or because "damn the Golden Path is full of lunatics" (which bugs me for another reason lol the like. flanderization? of Amita and Sabal to the point it just reads like character-bashing
But anyway it's just like. I keep thinking about it. Ajay only goes to Kyra because his mother wanted her ashes laid to rest there. He has no idea what her relationship to the country's politics was. He has no idea who his father is at all. He just wants to be a dutiful son
And grieve, and do this for himself as much as for her. When he gets with the Golden Path, he keeps hearing Mohan Ghale, Mohan Ghale, Son of Mohan- why should this name meaning anything to him? His father was in his life for what, less than a year, he has 0 memory of him
So few people acknowledge Ishwari as a person. She's "Mohan's wife," "Mohan's child bride," I can't remember exactly but I'm pretty sure she's also mentioned disdainfully for "betraying" the GP because of everything with Pagan… no acknowledgment of her role in founding the GP
Everyone placing all of these expectations on Ajay's shoulders because he shares a name and blood with a man who may as well not exist in his life, and no one sparing a single kind word for the mother who he loved for 20+ years and lost just a few months ago
EXCEPT Pagan
When he has, on one side, Sabal who projects his ghost of a father all over Ajay while pushing him to go murder people for him, and Amita on the other who starts out hating him because of that same ghost of his father while pushing him to go… murder more people!
does it not make sense he'd get tired and upset and start considering reaching back out to the one single person in what feels like the whole country who knew Ishwari's name without Ajay even speaking it, and knew exactly where Ajay needed to go to lay her to rest
this is my tl;dr thoughts i've had all weekend
idk where i'm going with this and no one on here has even played this game good bye
if he even cared about the ethics at all, because this is a Far Cry game, ethics are kind of wishy-washy across the board
honestly i'm definitely putting more thought into ajay's emotional interiority and reactions than the game writers did
~~~~
Sep 19, 2023 at 6:39 AM
& yknow, I think there's something to be said of the fact Pagan is the only person who never asks Ajay to kill someone for him. Unless you count the moment at the end where he suggests Ajay kill him even though it'd be Boring (and I do think he was full aware Ajay might actually go through with it.)
also think it says something he spent 20+ ys avoiding assassination attempts, only to sit there literally defenseless, waiting for the last remainder of a weird broken family he almost had to shoot him. After 20+ yrs of grief warping him. I'm turning this over in my head now
Sep 21, 2023 at 6:29 PM
another FC4 thing: I thought Pagan was the only non-Kyrati-native character that pronounced Ajay's name as "AH-jay" but apparently… Paul does too………? The choice to have Paul of all characters pronounce it AH-jay, but then Noore pronounces it A-J.. I wanna know how they decided these things
Sep 21, 2023 at 6:07 PM
Will I get suspended here for talking about how horny I am for Dadson, pseudo or not, and how insane FC4 in specific is making me right now
Pagan is SOOOO ATTACHED to ajay's simultaneous benefit (never at risk of Pagan's Actual wrath) and detriment (pagan being an overbearing creep forever)
#fc4#paganajay#mine poste#i feel like i had more posts. maybe on priv. i'll check later i'm tired#i have a lot more thoughts about these two than i have ever typed#over a decades worth of thoughts#many lost to the sands of time. aka tumblr blog wipe almost a decade ago. rip
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one of the perks of this work is meeting people with interesting stories and personalities and learning about these fascinating love stories. so many women who have been scorned by previous men in their lives meet one that changes the game and make them believe in love again.
can't stop thinking of one older woman recently who was so sweet and said i don't know if this is tmi but when we're intimate together i've never felt more beautiful in my life than when i'm with him. i felt so happy for her and wanted to cry.
one woman was a writer in her 70's living in an apartment she bought in nyc like a single sex and the city character and had this tumultuous relationship with a guy who chose a woman with money over her when they were in their 50's who "castrated him" according to her. now as the wife is dying or maybe passed, he is still in love with her. she said she isn't interested and likes her independence and besides, he is a catch for new york bc all these younger women want an older man with money, but he still calls her and wants to be with her again. it was a really intriguing reminder that life doesn't end for several decades longer than you think and people evolve and change so much over time. i told her he has really been learning some big lessons over the last couple of decades and was going to do everything he could to convince her to go back with him so they could live out the rest of their lives together in the country. i think about her all the time.
this is also very exhaustive work. it involves talking nonstop for hours on end and does a number on your voice. it is a performance on it's own, albeit sincere in nature, at least for me. i can't pretend one way or the other and imagine people who do must be so much more tired from their own performances faking it the whole time.
as much as i am not interested in doing this for the rest of my life, i do like a lot of aspects to it. specifically these older women who find hope in love again and being able to see the way men truly do change for the better.
i just don't know that i have the stamina to keep this going forever and am mostly just in it because it's considered the family business at this point.
i am considered very good at what i do but feel like a fraud in the sense that i was born into this and sort of just tumbled into doing it as a last ditch effort for employment. other people who enter this business spend a lot of their time and energy to build up their skills and respond to their own calling for this work. my mom had a very specific calling to do this whereas i tend to treat it like flipping burgers at a drive-thru. it can often feel like grunt work and nothing more than a day job.
that being said, i still don't know what my Calling is. i can never truly care about any one specific thing for long enough. i like to hold babies and make people laugh and sing sad little songs but i wouldn't say any of it is my One True Passion.
it's also hard to take the things you like and turn them into work. once they become commercialized efforts the weight of participating in it can feel very different.
i am scared all the time and never know what direction my life is going or if i even have a clear path of my own. life is very frightening in a myriad of ways and this world is so hell bent on making us lick boots for small fractions of the cost of living. i hate it and want to fight it but am also very tired and undereducated. i once felt i could inspire the masses to revolt but lately i want to hide in a cave and remain unseen for the rest of my days.
it will probably all be fine.
anyway. love you bye
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I wanted to write on my journal while listening to the online service. By habit, I looked through my old entries and started crying.
I feel like I'm looking at a version of myself a year ago, the quintessential definition of a sad girl. Alone and longing for someone who has probably forgotten about her. Alone and full of regrets and guilt. Alone and confused on how to proceed with life. The long days spent in that quiet house in a typical subdivision in a low-key city South of luzon felt like decades. An in that phase of loneliness came a different kind of resolution. Metaphorically it looked like that girl spent an entire year making sure her heart is locked away safe and sound in a small house in the middle of the woods. She wasn't sure if the heart was really protected there but with the windows boarded shut and with no keys to the lock, she was confident at least the heart won't see.
One after another, dear friends waving good-bye, leaving for greener pastures. One after another, the days passing by without any word from him. One after another, a meaningless day in the hospital followed by another one. One after another, plane tickets, gas stations, hotels, airbnbs and ramen noodles flying like nothing.
And as the days passed, a different kind of girl emerged from that house in the middle of nowhere. Someone who got tired of longing. Someone who got tired of waving good-bye. Someone who got tired of feeling sorry for herself. Someone who started finding happiness in all the little things instead. More importantly, someone who has decided to trust God more than anything else on earth.
Because to be honest, I think--I think that girl did find happiness. I think she did find herself. She accepted things as they are. Instead of resisting the present, she welcome it wholeheartedly.
Ah, I guess I won't ever get married -- so she started making plans, trying solo-travelling, learning how much houses in the woods will cost, googling big dogs that can protect her in that house alone and searching for retirement homes instead of making kids an investment.
I guess I can't stop them from leaving -- so she started making plans to visit them instead. She tried learning about the culture in those places. She googled the best times to visit them when they start their life abroad. She researched visa requirements. Friendships don't end with distance after all.
As for the meaningless, hospital days--well, she entered residency.
That sad girl's heart though?
I'm here. I'm standing outside that small house in the middle of nowhere. I'm looking at the windows boarded shut. I'm looking at the dilapitated state of the roof, the door shut tight.
I'm not sure if I want to remember where the keys are. It took a lot of effort to to protect it, I'm not sure if it's safe to come out.
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Now this is something I really want to do in the game. And I'm so dissapointed that we cant. So....I've written it down!! :)
What if MC helped clear ALL of Mammon's debts??
A/N: Much fluff, a G/N MC, and possible TWs.
TW: Much fluff, blood, some cursing, mean witches 😡, some bullying, and a wholesome baby Mammon 💛.
Please enjoy!! :) 💛
Mammon comes into your room all bloody and bruised. He staggers a bit before plopping on your bed next to you.
"M-Mammon...are you okay??" You question. You hear a muffled grunt from your left side.
"Mammon? Who did this to you?" You hear silence. Mammon must not want to answer. You think about who could've done this. His brother's are abusive, but only mentally. No lesser demon would dare mess with the second-born. Hmm. Wait, wasn't Mammon summoned by the witches earlier? It must have been them. They're always attacking him in some way,
"Mammon? Did the witches do this to you," you ask. "Please tell me the truth." The second you finish, Mammon lifts his head to you, and you see tears running down his face. From his reaction, it's safe to say the witches did it.
"Why would the witches do this?"
"It because of my DAMN debt!! I don't know what I did to them...*sniff* I never even met them before they came up and told me I owed them!!"
Poor Mammoney. He didn't deserve this. Every day, he either came back with nothing, bruised and bloodied or so emotional. Mammon kept talking about the witches, and what they'd do to him. He was spiling his heart out.
"And one time...OH!! I can't forget about...then they said..." Mammon kept going. Eventually, he stopped talking, realizing what he'd just said. You getting more furious, you kept thinking if a plan to get Mammoney out of debt. Getting more furious at the witches with each of Mammon's words, you can't think of anything. So you decide to try and make him feel better at least,
You fix Mammon up, get him emotionally stable and watch his favorite movie. He rests his head on your shoulder, and you die inside. How the hell is he so cute?! You slowly take out your D.D.D, set the brightness all the way down, and snap a few pictures. You head over to devilgram, of course stopping by your settings to update your wallpaper, and scroll around. You find a certain demon's page, supposedly the owner of ristorante six, and scroll.
You see a post of the demon stating that they need more workers. The pay seemed pretty good! 10 hours a day for 10k Grimm! Sure, it'd be hard. And painful and annoying. But you already had quite bit of Grimm saved up. About 666k (😈) to be exact. And you'd do anything to see him smile. So you DM the demon and ask for an interview. They accepted and wanted to see you the next day after 2. You smiled and sighed, praying to Lord Diavolo you could get the job.
"Hey, human. Where are ya going?" Of course Mammon had to barge in. Not that you hated it, now just wasn't a good time. All dressed up, you glance around nervously.
"Ahh, I'm just...going..." You couldn't find the words. You had to make up an excuse for this man. "Ahhuumm..."
"Jeez human. Just say you're going out! It's not that hard, ya know?" He sighed. With his hands on his hips, he pauses, and walks out. You're confused, but understand when he comes back with your backpack.
"H-Here you go. Sorry I took it. I was looking for Goldie-"
"It's okay Mammon." You walk over, kiss him on the cheek and walk out the door. His face turns red and he's very glad you walked out. After he's calmed down, he knows something is up. Everytime you go out together, you never dress up. Are you going to see someone? Do you not like him?? His thoughts spiral until he convinces himself that even if you did find someone, at least they made you happy. Not like a scummy, stupid brother would be able to do the job. But hey, he could hope. Right?
"So that's why you want this job..." and you nod. You see them ponder for a moment. "Okay. You're hired!!" You jump. It was unexpected and surprisingly very easy. You thank them over and over again and ask them when you can start.
"Right now if you're up for it! We're short on staff today, so I'm paying whoever works a little more today." You eagerly nod, and you're shown to the staff room. You put on your apron, and get to work. At the end of the day, you get 2k more than you should have. And including the tips you form in total you got 15k Grimm. Not bad for a first day! Exhausted, sweaty and hungry, you walk home with a coworker and head inside.
It's a good thing no one was awake. You make it to your bed and melt. To help pay off his debts and give him a little extra money, you're going to have to work-overtime. Meaning you can't hang out with the brothers anymore. Especially Mammon.
"Sorry Mammon..." You whisper, before falling into sleep.
It's been 5 months since you've started working. Luckily, Mammon had also been trying to pay off his debts. Which has helped you alot, but now you have enough money to help pay Mammon's debts off. But you're tired, and he can wait until morning, right? You slowly walk home and luckily no demons come to pick on you. You thank Lord Diavolo. You slowly open the door so it won't creak.
Luckily no one is awake. Except for Lucifer and Beel. You practically zombie walked into your room because you were so tired. Your about to open your door, but you hear a small sob. You stop in your tracks and listen.
"T-They don't love me. Why would they? I'm just a s-scummy second-born..." it sounded like Mammon. And by what they said, it confirmed your beliefs. And you're pretty sure he was taling about you. You open your door and walk in. Mammon looks up at you in surprise.
"Y-You weren't supposed to be back for another hour." He says while sloppily wiping off his tears.
"Well, they let me go early," You respond. You need to tell him. "Mammon..I have something really good to tell you. I-"
"Save it human. I already know, I don't want any details."
"You do? Mammon, isn't it wondererful?! Now you won't be bullied by your brother's or the witches!"
"If anything, they'll bully me more..."
"W-Why would they continue...?"
"Because they know I love you," he slams his head onto a pillow that oddly looks a lot like you. " And now you're going out with someone. I don't want any details. But...do they treat ya well?" His head pops back up, and you can see the tears in his eyes. His question hurt. Why would he think that?
"Going out with someone? Why would you think th-" you finally connect it all together. Leaving at 2 to get home at 12, if not later. Always dressing up and giving Mammon less and less time and attention to Mammon. It doesn't help that this has been going on for 5 months. And now that you got your last paycheck, you thanked them, quit and wished them well. You were free of that hell.
"Mammon, I'm not seeing anyone." You walk closer to him and rest you're hand on his cheek, and he blushes a little.
"Then why were you gone so much?"
"Silly demon. I was helping you pay off your debts!"
"You what...?" You could see the confusion in his eyes. But you also saw a glimmer of hope.
"That's right. I was gone for 5 months to help you pay of your debts to your brother's and the witches! And...I may have put a little money of Goldie."
"B-But why?" He realized there was no reason to lie about this. His eyes lit up and he perked up. But he was still so very confused.
"Because, I see what they do to you. And you just take it, like a man." He blushes at the word 'man', but gladly takes your compliment. You climb onto your bed, make room for him and pat the side next to you.
"Now come on Mammon. I'm tired, and I need snuggles." He blushes but gladly climbs in. He wraps his body around yours, pretty much pretty much protecting you from anything to come.
"Goodnight Mammon..." You whisper, before falling into the best sleep you've ever had.
The next day, Mammon is more than ready to pay off his debts. He pays off the witches and each of his brothers. You loved the look he had on his face. The witches could no longer attack him and his brother's could no longer verbally abuse his either. At the end of the day, he was excited to find out he had 500k Grimm on his card. He thanked you and pulled you into the biggest hug ever.
"Thank you MC...I feel more safe than I have been in decades." The comment made you sad, but made you smile. No one could hurt him, because you'd be there to protect him.
"I love you Mammoney...💛💛"
"I love you MC..." And you share a tender kiss.
The end~!!
Did you enjoy it? Give me more ideas please! My brain is too smol. Bye my little Grimm!!
💖 💛 💚 💙 💜 🖤
#obey me#obey me mammon#obey me fluff#what if MC helped clear all of mammon's debts#yes#what am i doing#hello mah beautiful grimm
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hewwo it's me @goldenworldsabound and I'm here to yell about Auron from FFX 🥺 I'm just feeling real soft and emotional cause I just realized how important I must be to him...he stuck around just for me when he was so tired and wanted his soul to rest...he's gonna be big protective mans about me and make sure I know I'm loved. He's also v handsome and I can't get over how kissable his lips look. ajkfdhjk OKAY I SHY BYE NOW
OKAY, HEY SO
Auron is def attractive, in that... Idk how to describe it, like, gruff, tough, distant to save people from pain, angsty, like... Lone wolf sort of way. AND i remember finding him attractive when I firsy played thru ffx like... Maybe a decade ago? I don't know, i'd have to check my save file. So i FEEL you on wanting to f/o him, i can definitely see his appeal. And you know what?
I'm sure he's glad to have someone like you in his life now! He DESERVES someone like you to love him! I'm so glad he found home with you! And he's DEFINITELY someone you'd want protecting you, and I can definitely see him protecting you from whatever may come, offering you wisdom as well for the things that he can't.
Auron is a v good catch, congratulations!!!
@goldenworldsabound
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Resenting the Hero by Moira J Moore Starter List:
"Not feeling any uncontrollable urges, are you?"
"No chocolate? I'm devastated."
"When did they let you out?"
"I didn't train all my life to sit on my hands somewhere safe."
"You look lovely this morning. I especially like the hair."
"That's disgusting, by the way."
"I actually won't be dancing tonight. I'm exhausted."
"You're too young to let one day of riding tire you out."
"You're just worried about being proved wrong."
"Could you look anymore drab?"
"I'm sorry I'm so offensive."
"Still think you're going to like me?"
"You're a sick, sick woman/man/person."
"Quite the selfish bastard/bitch aren't I?"
"Say something, damn it!"
"You do like making a spectacle of yourself, don't you?"
"If you have any deathbed confessions to make, you're decades too early."
"No one's tried to stab me.'
"What, no good-bye kiss?"
"Interesting theory. Only _____ isn't the one I'm mad at right now."
"Your loyalty does you credit."
"Don't worry. I'm a big strong girl/boy/person. I can tie my own shoes and everything."
"You left me to deal with that, all by myself, for over an hour."
"I'm expected to go back in and you're coming with me."
"Did I tell you you're looking beautiful tonight?"
"Don't think you can rule in hell."
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