DEAN LOVED HIM BACK!!! CAS KNEW DEAN LOVED HIM BACK!!! AND THEY STILL COULDN’T HAVE EACH OTHER!!! Dean can’t reciproca—[gunshot][gunshot][gunshot] SHUT THE FUCK UP. He heard his prayer HE HEARD HIS PRAYER. HE FELT HIS LONGING. HIS DESIRE. HE DIDN’T HAVE TO SAY IT. HE KNEW THE TRUTH. But it was too late then…The prophecy was self-fulfilled.

𝓡𝓪𝓼𝓹𝓫𝓮𝓻𝓻𝔂 🌧️

Inspired by this post 🌼

Pairing: petshopworker!hongjoong x bookshopowner!reader

Index: Jongho // Seonghwa // San // Yunho // Wooyoung // Mingi // Yeosang

･*:༅｡

It was another gloomy day outside your little shop as you sighed in content observing the clouds outside with a smile. The inside of your bookstore was quiant with antique sofas and armchairs to add some spice to the space. The strong aroma of Jasmine filled your space by the windows as you sat with your tea cup and observed the outside. A smile graced your delicate features as you saw your best friend waving at you through her shop window which was loacted right across the street. 

It wasn’t long after that she come over to join you on her break.

“You’re covered in cat fur again.” You giggled observing her apron littered with various coloured fur. 

“Yeah, we had a few adoptions today.” She shrugged her shoulders. “You could have come over and looked around.”

“You know I don’t need a pet.” You snorted, sipping your tea.

“I meant to come over and stare at Hongjoong.” She slyly smiled.

You punched her shoulder with a gasp, laughing along with her. She had recently hired a young man by the name of Hongjoong who had caught your eye, but you didn’t exactly have the social skills to introduce yourself let alone talk to him. 

“When are you going to stop by my shop so I can introduce you?” Your friend pouted. “I’ve seen him sometimes glancing out to look at you when you water your flowers outside.”

“Sure, and the parrot on your window display likes to screech at him to announce my appearance outside.” You sarcastically retorted.

“How did you know?”

You rolled your eyes and munched on the pastries she had brought along, totally ignoring that comment. 

“By the way, when I close this evening you want to join me on my adventure of picking up a cake for Joonie?” She asked. “He also wants to see you. He’s been missing his favourite aunty.”

Joonie was your best friend’s son and you’ve practically raised him along with her. She got pregnant at 19 and it wasn’t easy for her seeing as the bastard that knocked her up bailed the minute she peed on the pregnancy test. It was always a joy to visit her and her son, seeing that wide smile he showed you.

“Sure, are we going by Sugarberry’s?” 

“Of course! He keeps asking for their famous sugarberry cake.” Your friend sighed. 

“I’ll close up early and come over.” You smiled.

“Awesome!” Your friend looked at her wrist watch and let out a sigh. “I need to get going, my break is over.” 

With a wave she left you to clean up the table and go back to organising the books which came in the other day. Unbeknownst to you, your friend was talking with a red-haired young man, smirking as she kept glancing in the direction of your store.

  ･*:༅｡

7 p.m. rolled by and you entered the pet shop across the street, the ding above her head lazily making a sound as it hit the door. The parrot in the window display screeched in panic more so than other times but you didn’t pay much attention to it. You were used to that bird and it’s exesive reactions. 

Nobody was at the front so you decided to venture towards the back where they usually kept the insects and reptiles. You passed by the puppies who were eagerly barking at you, a smile thrown towards them. You stopped when you reached the glass cages with the kittens, noticing how most were empty.

“Mew...” A soft mewl drew your attention and you frowned.

“You’re still here...” You sighed, gently petting the dirty grey cat through the small ventilation holes of her cage. “Why doesn’t anybody want you little one?”

“It’s more like she doesn’t want anybody.” A voice made you jump in fright as you whipped around to face it. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s okay...” Your shy smile peeked itself from your averted gaze. 

“Miss atitude here bit the small boy who took a liking to her and his mom decided it’d be best if they got a puppy.” The man walked up to you, also trying to pet the cat but ending up getting bitten. “It seems she doesn’t exactly like me either.”

“That’s not true.” You looked back to the cat. “She bit me multiple times before I earned her trust.”

The man looked over at you taking in your appearance. He was surprised that he had this chance to look at you so closely, seeing that you had freckles gracing your cheeks and a cute naturally red nose. You then suddenly turned to look at him and his cheeks suddenly flared up at the sudden eye contact. You now had the chance to notice how his brown eyes shied away from yours, how his hair seemed to be longer in the back and how his smile lit up the entire room.

“I’m Hongjoong by the way.” He introduced himself.

“y/n...” You breathed out, cursing your friend in the back of your mind.

She set you up. 

“Is Lia here?” You asked.

“Yeah, she’s getting changed. She’ll be out any minute.” He said and his words were followed by an awkward silence. “So, ever thought about adopting an animal?” 

“Lia’s been on my case since forever.” You giggled and filled his heart with so much warmth with just that one sound. “But I really don’t think I can take care of an animal.” Your eyes went back up to the cat. “I also don’t want to get attached to something I can easily loose.”

Those words puzzled Hongjoong and he was just about to ask what you meant by that, but Lia came out a smile on her face and gaze sparkling with mischief.

“You ready to go?” Lia asked and you nodded following her out.

“It was nice meeting you.” You waved at the man.

“You too.” He waved back.

The minute you stepped out the soft expression on your face turned into an unamused one, glare steady on Lia’s form. She shrugged her shoulders with a giggle and stuck her tongue out.

“You’re the devil you know that.” 

“I’ve been called worse.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I’ll buy you a piece of that raspberry cake you liked so much to atone for my sins.”

“Damn well you will.”

･*:༅｡

A few days had passed by from your meeting with Hongjoong and you had been enjoying the quiet of your shop as you just sat back and read. The bell above the shop’s door jingled with mirth as the rain drops hit themselves against the long metal pieces. You raised your gaze as you marker where you had stopped in the passage only to be surprised by the customer at hand.

“Fancy seeing you here.” You commented with a smile.

“I thought I’d stop by and say hello.” Hongjoong smiled back. “I also need a book for a friend’s birthday so Lila advised me to come here.”

“Of course she did.” You looked passed him and into the window display of the pet shop where Lia was holding up both her thumbs in encouragement. “What kind of book are you looking for?”

“Poetry.” He shrugged his shoulders. “He’s been getting into romance poetry quite a bit after he had met this girl and well, it’s ‘inspiring’ as he said.”

“Poetry huh?” You hummed and looked up to the second floor of your shop, a thoughtful finger on your chin. Something which made Hongjoong swoon over you on the inside. “I think I have something. Come on.”

With a smile you led him up the steps and deeper into the shop, stopping in front of one of the book cases. Hongjoong noticed a few students loitering around, heads deep in their books. He even noticed Jongho’s girlfriend with her friends as they furiously went over book after book, her small wave making him wave back. You noticed the exchange of greeting and raised an eyebrow at how he knew a student from the local university but said nothing. You weren’t the type to pry.

“Hold on a second, I’ll get the book.” You said as you pulled over the ladder from the corner, the wheels on it almost soundless.

You climbed up the steps and Hongjoong averted his gaze in embarrassment, not daring to look up. The mocking snort he got from Jongho’s girlfriend was not helping his case! Your hand reached the grey book, swiftly pulling it out and slidding down the ladder. You handed the book to Hongjoong and he raised his eyebrows in wonder.

“Love her wild by Atticus?” He asked.

“It’s a collection of everyday life poems.” You said. “It’s the little things that count Hongjoong.” 

He nodded at your words as you made your way back down to the counter so he could pay for it. 

“Do a lot of students come here?” He suddenly asked.

“Yup. It’s more quiet than their campus library and sometimes they find books which can’t be found in the library. My grandma used to have this policy to let the students come by and study always offering them tea and biscuits. I took over that policy and enjoy their sheepish reactions when I ask them what tea they’d like today.” Your giggle echoed down the stairs. “Would like me to wrap the book so you don’t have to?”

“That’d be awesome.” He smiled wide as you took the book from him. “So you inherited the shop from your grandma?”

“Yes.” You answered. “She died last year and left it to me. It was hard at first but I think I got the hang of it.” Sadness was evident in your voice. 

“I’m sorry to hear that.” He spoke softly. “I think you are doing an excelent job here.”

“Thanks.” You handed him the book just as he handed you the money. He turned to leave but stopped suddenly, looking back at you. “Hey, would you like to grab some coffee after you close the store today?”

“Don’t you have a birthday to go to?” You asked a deep blush coating your cheeks.

“I can be a little late.” Hongjoong chuckled.

“Alright.” You smiled. “I’d love to.”

“Great, I’ll come pick you up when you close.” He said and left. 

You sat back and looked after him as he entered the pet shop and went past Lia who seemed to want to know what happened. When he dismissed her with a laugh she looked over to you and you stuck your tongue out at her, shock coating her facial features. 

It wasn’s so long before your shop’s closing time came round and only a few students were left as they packed up their things and headed for the door. The girl that greeted Hongjoong earlier today stayed back and helped you clean off the tea cups and plates of biscuits, choosing to speak to you a bit.

“Miss y/n?” You turned around to face her with a questioning look in your eyes. “Hongjoong is a really nice man and you should definitely give him a chance.”

“What?” You blushed furiously when she said that.

“I’m dating one of his friends and he hasn’t exactly been subtle by the crush he has on you.” She giggled. “But seriously, you two would fit each other well.”

She left the store and you stood there a few minutes with a shocked expression on your face. It seemed the feelings were mutual between you two but something about that scared you. You looked up at the clock and noticed it was a minute to seven so without further thinking you shut off all the lights and stepped out, locking the door behind you. 

“Are you ready?” Hongjoong ran towards you and asked with excitement in his voice.

You turned around and were surprised by the small rose he held out for you. You nodded eagerly as you walked next to him, filling the air with little chatter about your day today. You made your way towards Sugarberry’s and took a seat outside just as the waitress came by.

“Hey Joong, fancy seeing you here.” She teased him. “What can I get you two?”

“I’ll have my a mazagran. I need to prepare for Seonghwa’s birthday.” He sighed and nodded his head when the waitress laughed.

“Jesus, you and Mingi seem to be the only ones thinking ahead.” She commented and then looked over at you. “And what about your pretty date?”

“D-Date?” You blushed at those words. You weren’t dense and figured this was some type of date, but when she said it like that it made your chest do flips. “I’d like a black coffe and a piece of raspberry cake.”

“Sure thing.” She said and went inside.

“You like raspberries?” 

“Yeah. It’s my favorite fruit. If I could I’d mix them in everything I eat or drink.” You laughed. “Did you know that Serbia is the main distributor for raspberries around the world? I’d really like to visit there sometime to see those fields for myself.”

“I didn’t know that. It sounds nice.” He smiled at your enthusiasm.

The waitress came back with your order and exchanged a few more words with Hongjoong before she left inside again.

“You seem to know a lot of people.” You commented on your observation.

“I guess. My friend owns this bakery slash caffe. I know all the staff here.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

“I’ll be right back.” His eyes travelled behind you and spotted something. 

You as well turned back to look at what he was and you noticed a blue haired man. He went over and greeted him and they began talking about something. You didn’t even notice the waitress had come out and stopped beside you to observe as well.

“You know, he’s a nice guy. A bit clumsy but nice. He treats his friends as if they were his kids but will never admit it.” She startled you but you quickly recovered.

“Yeah, you’re the second person to have told me that today.” You sighed. “I’d like to give him a chance but I’m scared of doing so. I’m scared he’ll disappear just like everybody around me seems to be.”

“You know, it’s still too early for you to see that. Maybe this time it will be different. You never know until you try.” She shrugged her shoulders at you. 

“But what if I just want to shelter myself from the inevitable?” Your eyes met for a second. “The fear in me keeps telling me to run while I can, but my instinct keeps telling me to trust him. I’m just so confused.”

“Maybe you should tell him about your fear?” She suggested. “He is a man with a lot of understanding and patience. I’ve seen him trying to befriend a stray for months without even the slightest ounce of giving up. If you’re honest about trying to date him, you should confide in him.” She smiled at you warmly as she noticed Hongjoong coming back. “You never know.”

The man looked weirdly after the waitress as she skipped back inside, taking his seat at the table you two were at.

“Did she say anything weird?” He asked with a raised eyebrow. “Did she tell you the story about me and Mingi drunkenly sweeping the floors?”

“No.” You laughed. “But do tell.”

You had taken into consideration what she had said and let yourself ponder the thought later. Right now you just really wanted to enjoy the time spent with him and listen to his embarrassing stories.

･*:༅｡

You and Hongjoong kept seeing each other for the next month on a regular basis, him always coming over on breaks just like Lia and you two going out on dates on the weekends. 

But this weekend it was different. 

This weekend was girls night and you and Lia had agreed to go out to a wine tasting in the local brewery. Both needed to relax and talk seeing as they were too busy with life, and it was pure luck Joonie had went over to his grandparent’s house so LIa could stay out until late. You both dressed up and sat comfortably at a table, two glasses of wine shinning under the candle light.

“I didn’t think you had it in you to dress up again Lia.” You snorted out a laugh.

“Please, if it weren’t for you I would never even have dresses to go out.” She rolled her eyes. “But I see you’ve been shopping lately. Getting all pretty for the new boyfriend?”

“We haven’t actually labelled our... thing.” You blushed looking down at your dirty white silk cocktail dress. “I mean, I guess we’re dating but I’m not sure.” You looked at your glass. “I’m scared to ask.”

“Are you scared to ask because knowing the fact that you are it would mean attaching yourself to him?” Lia knew about your problem and anxieties. She was with you through it all, just as you had been with her. 

“That’s the thing, I already AM attached to him...” The shaking of your voice made Lia sigh.

“Then maybe it’s time you talked to him. About everything.” She was serious and her voice was demanding. “It’s time you told him about your grandma. About your parents. And about the lack of men in your life.”

“I can’t just throw my baggage at him...” You squeaked out. “He’ll run away from me and I’ll be left to blame myself. Again.”

“No he wont.” Lia grabbed your hands. “Listen to me y/n, he is different. You saw that, I saw that. He will listen. And he will stay.”

The way Lia had worded this made you realise just what she meant. 

“But I’m a coward Lia.” You stated with fear in your eyes.

“Not after a bottle of wine you’re not.”

･*:༅｡

Hongjoong sat at home enjoying his Friday night with a glass of his favorite whiskey in one hand and a book recommended by you in the other. The rain poured outside and he sighed knowing that those dark clouds finally let out their anger on the world. He smiled at the childish poems written in the margins of the book as he read them over and over again, imagining just what kind of person you were back in highschool. As he flipped the pages he came across one in particular, that seemed to be written in red ink, standing out from the rest of them which were in black. 

As he finished reading over it a text message came from you.

y/n🥰[11.43 p.m.] what’s your address?

With a raised eyebrow he answered your message not really thinking anything of it until 20 minutes later a soft knock came at his door. He placed his drink and book on the table and went over, thinking one of the boys had forgotten something at his place or perhaps got drunk and ended up here, but when he opened the door to a rosy cheeked you in all your silk glory he chocked back a shocked gasp and just stared at you with an open mouth.

“Hiya!” You smiled wide, your lips stained with the red wine you were clearly dunk off of. “I missed you Joongieee~”

You hugged him so easily it caught him by surprise but he wasn’t complaining. You weren’t exactly the touchy type and this was so soothing to him he had to hug back with all that he got. Who knows when he would get the chance to hug you again.

“You’re wet. Come on inside, let’s dry your hair off.” 

You followed after him without a complaint and he closed the door as you entered. Lia let out a soft breath as she waited for you to be safe inside and left the building, praying that this would work and that you haven’t gotten drunk for nothing.

“I’m sorry I didn’t spend tonight with you Jongiee, you know I would but I needed time off to gather my courage Jongiee.” You said in a sing-song voice, amusing the man who gently dabbed her hair with a towel.

“Had fun tonight I see.” 

“I got drunk on purpose.” You admitted without any hesitation. “I had to because I’m a coward and can’t tell you otherwise.”

“Now why would you be a coward?” Hongjoong was now very confused.

“Because I love you.” The man almost slipped off his own couch when he heard those words. “But I can’t fully love you if I’m scared you’ll leave me like the rest.”

“What are you talking about y/n?” He now kneeled in front of you holding your hands in his. “I won’t leave you. I’m having so much fun with you that I’d be pretty stupid to leave.”

“That’s what grandmother used to tell me too. But then she left me for good.” Your pout was so prominent that it physically hurt Hongjoong to see you this way. “My parents died in a car crash a few months after I was born so I never met them. I’ve been with my grandparents ever since. My grandfather died when I was seven and since then I’ve been coping with death quite badly. When I was in highschool I liked this boy and we started dating, but he also died of an illness. Ever since then I closed myself off from human contact and only ever had room for Lia and my grandmother. Then Lia had her son and he was the only joy in both of our lives. We were all happy.” You looked at the floor and held his hands tighter. “But when my grandmother died I thought my wold was going to end. My days were mundane.” You finally looked up at him and into his eyes. “Until I met you.”

“I’m so sorry you went through all of that.” He sincerely said.

“I’m scared I’m going to loose you too and that I’ll be left alone again Hongjoong.” You said now kneeling just as he was. “I don’t get attached to people because of that fear. But for the first time I did. I don’t regret it, but I’m scared.”

“You shouldn’t be!” He exclaimed and brought you in for a hug. “That little poem you wrote in the book you lent me broke my heart y/n! I could never leave such a raw power like yours!” He kissed the top of your head with a silent promise. “I’ll fight God if I have to! He is either taking both of us, or none at all.”

The soft snores which came from your body softened him to a puddle. He hooked his arm under your legs and carried you off to his bed, tucking you in and kissing your forehead. You looked so peaceful and composed.

The weight has been finally lifted off your shoulders.

“You’re stuck with me and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He whispered out.

･*:༅｡

Loud lapping noises came from one of the tables as a grey ball of fluff drank the liquid from one of the cups. The young girls at the table gushed out as the cat enjoyed their cup of tea this afternoon.

“I’m sorry girls. Is Bi bothering you?” You asked worried as you caught the little rascal of the cat. “She seems to enjoy raspberry tea for some reason.”

“Oh not at all Miss y/n.” The girls were quick to protest. “We rather enjoy her company.”

You smiled excusing yourself and taking your cat downstairs to the counter. The bell chime of your shop sounded and a bouncy Hongjoong came in, a bag loosely hanging off his shoulder.

“Hiya.” He greeted you with a peck to your lips as you blushed. “I brought some raspberry cake.”

“How’d you know I was craving some?” You asked him, a teasing smirk on your face.

“I had a hunch. Come on, I wanna give you our one year anniversary present!” He ushered you to sit down in the lounge area of your shop pulling an envelope from his bag.

“Can I give you mine first?” You asked, holding on to a box.

He nodded and quickly snatched the box from your fingers and opened it, surprise on his facial features. He pulled out the small golden ball and looked at you for an explanation. 

“It’s a compass. So you don’t get lost from me.” You blushed saying the last bit of it.

“This is so wholesome I could cry.” His eyes were really getting glossy. “Now open yours!”

You carefully tarred the envelope and pulled out two pieces of paper you thought you never would see in your life. It was two plain tickets to Serbia, a ten day trip to their famous raspberry fields. You looked up at your boyfriend with wide happy eyes.

“I booked them on our first date.” He admitted with a shy smile. “I knew we’d be together long enough for those to stay valid.” He smiled widely at you, the bookshop getting filled with warmth created by the both of you. “I’m really glad you gave me a chance y/n.” He kissed you with such passion you thought you’d faint on the spot.

“I’m really glad I listened to that waitress.” You kissed him back with equal feelings of love. “Because if I hadn’t, I wouldn’t get to finally fill my loneliness with you.”

Bi observed you two from her place on the counter and purred in content as her owners settled in their own warmness, filling the bookshop with a sense of comfort.

Chapter 8

Buster woke the following morning feeling like hell. His nostrils were so stuffy he could barely breathe out of them, his nose was on fire, and his mouth still tasted like blood even though he’d brushed his teeth twice before bed. He stumbled to the bathroom to look at the damage. Two small purple bruises underscored his eyes and the bridge of his nose was swollen to twice its size. His appearance confirmed that canceling filming had been the right decision. He swallowed some aspirin, cleaned his teeth again, and took a shower, letting the steam open his clogged sinuses. 

The aspirin barely touched the pain. He toweled off and pulled on a dressing gown, then poured himself a breakfast whiskey to go with the steak and eggs he ordered. Once he’d eaten, he called Nate. To his relief, he was patched over to her line; she hadn’t left for Sunday brunch at Dutch’s yet. 

“Hello?” she said.

“Hi, how are you?” he said.

She told him that she was well. 

He said, “I broke my nose in the game last night.”

“Oh, I’m so sorry. How?”

He explained the eighth-inning fastball to the face. “But we won the game. 9 to 6.”

“Did you?” she said. “That’s too bad about your nose though. I’m sorry, darling.”

She sounded suitably sympathetic, but he craved more. He wanted the soothing, the I’ll-be-right-there, the kissing and canoodling. 

“How are the boys?” he said.

“The usual,” she said. “Full of the devil.”

“Good,” he said. “I won’t be filming for a few days because of my nose. You should really consider bringing them up. They’d love the steamboats and I’d like you to see the set. They say the shopping is good in Yolo, too.”

“Oh Buster,” she said, her tone telling him the answer was already a big fat no. “You know I’d love to, but six hours on a train is too much for them, don’t you think? I know you’re disappointed, but we must think of what’s best for them. And wouldn’t they be in your way? I’d have to bring Connie to mind them, and I think four is getting to be a crowd. I don’t suppose your suite would hold another four, would it?”

“Nate, you don’t have to bring the governess. I think you’re perfectly capable of managing them for a few days, don’t you? We can get a second suite or even a third, if that’s what has you concerned.”

“I’m flattered by your faith in me,” she said with a little laugh, “but you’ve never traveled with three- and five-year-old boys! I know I’m letting you down, but it’s only another month, isn’t it? Five weeks tops? That’s really not so bad when you think of it.”

“Yeah, it’s not too bad,” he said, echoing her hollowly.

“I miss you dreadfully,” she assured him, before launching into a story about the picture Dutch was filming and the party she intended to throw with her sisters at the Villa next weekend. He listened with only half an ear. He wasn’t surprised about her answer to his proposal, but he still felt lousy.

Since Bobby had been born and Nate had booted him out of the bed, he’d accepted that his needs would have to be satisfied by other women. He knew that Nate hated him for it, even though he’d stuck to his original promise and been the soul of discretion. In spite of her rejection, he still desired her and wanted to win her back, but the most she would ever permit was necking and light petting. If he so much as thought about taking things further, she’d squirm out of his grasp. He just didn’t understand, even three years since he’d last made love to her, why he couldn’t have both a wife and the rights that other husbands were entitled to. He’d gone over it in his head a thousand times. Was he a bad lover? Was it her upbringing? Peg’s sermonizing? Her religion? Could she be a lesbian? He didn’t know and God forbid he even try to broach the topic. She’d give him such a withering look before she stalked out of the room that he felt like he ought to be thrown in jail on charges of sex depravity for even mentioning the idea. 

Divorce was out of the question, naturally. There were relationships to preserve: the one with Joe for starters and those with his famous sisters-in-law. He didn’t trust that Nate wouldn’t try to keep the boys from him, either, if he tried to end it. He could just hear her saying to some attorney, ‘Well, he doesn’t see them much anyway.’ In the meantime, all the saphead could do was to keep trying vainly to find that opening in his wife’s affections. Casting her as his leading lady hadn’t worked. Building her a little love-nest, then a great big love-nest, hadn’t worked. He’d recently decided that maybe a real honeymoon instead of the post-nuptial cross-country train trip that had masqueraded as one might work on her. He figured deep down it wouldn’t change her mind, but still he had his foolish hopes. 

When Natalie was done prating, he told her he had to get ready for lunch with Joe and said his goodbyes. There wasn’t any such lunch, but he no longer wanted to talk. 

He ended up spending the afternoon at the new zoo, disguised by a fake moustache, a tweed cap, and jumper vest that constricted him in heat on what was already a sweltering day. It worked, though. No one looked twice at him. The zoo was a disappointment. To begin with, it was extraordinarily tiny, but more importantly most of the animals featured—deer, wild turkey, raccoons—could be seen if you just sat in a Muskegon tree long enough. The most exotic offering consisted of some listless-looking monkeys in cages. A pack of adolescent boys thumped on their wire enclosures and screeched at them to perform. “Pick on someone your own size!” he yelled at them, and they scattered. The monkeys blinked back at him, not seeming to care one way or the other. 

He did have dinner with Joe that night at the Italian Restaurant in the Julius Hotel. As Buster tucked into his truffle tagliatelle, Joe dropped the bomb. 

“We can’t have the flood sequence.”

Buster laughed. “It sounded like you just said ‘We can’t have the flood sequence,’ Joe, but I don’t think I heard you right,” he said, and took a bite of tagliatelle. “Good one, though.”

“I’m not kidding. Think about how it’ll look. You’ve got a river that’s supposed to be the Mississippi—”

“Sacrasippi,” Buster said, lifting his eyebrows.

“Cut it out,” said Joe, frowning. “I’m trying to be serious. You’ve got a river that’s supposed to be the Mississippi and it’s supposed to flood. Well, you know as well as I do that hundreds of people just lost their lives in the Mississippi floods.”

“Since when do you care?” said Buster. If there was one thing he’d always liked about Joe, it was that he let him alone and let him make the pictures his own way. Something about this smelled fishy.

“It’s in poor taste. It’s not going to get laughs, it’s just going to bring bad publicity. I don’t want it to flop. There’s too much money in it.”

Buster set down his fork. Two words had stuck out: publicity and money. “This is Harry, isn’t it?” he said, narrowing his eyes.

Joe gave a slight wave of his hand, dismissing the comment. “Now don’t go blaming Harry. I happen to agree with him. It would be a risky thing, and God knows what it would cost to pull it off anyway.”

“Well that god damn bean-counter,” said Buster, anger flaring. “We’ve already got everything set up for a flood! The entire god damn picture is about a flood. That’s the entire point!” Joe looked at him with a firm expression. “I’ve made up my mind. We can’t do a flood.”

“Well, we may as well can the whole picture then,” Buster said. “All my best gags are built around the flood. I can’t just start from scratch.”

“Look,” said Joe, continuing to eat his own meal. “We’re talking about lost lives here. You can see that, can’t you?”

“Horseshit,” said Buster. “Remember Chaplin’s picture Shoulder Arms? The ink wasn’t even dry on the Armistice when he released that. I remember ‘cause it was the first thing I saw after I got back from France. Everyone loved it. No one was thinking about how many soldiers had just gotten their heads and legs blown off in the war, they just knew a funny picture when they saw one.” He clenched his left fist in his lap. 

“Why not try another disaster?” Joe said.

“Like what?” he said. He stabbed at the pasta with his fork and took a bite without pleasure.

“I’m not the brains here.”

“What, like a cyclone? Joe, I bet you tornadoes and hurricanes kill more people each year than floods. Sure we wouldn’t get bad reviews and angry letters from folks whose families have been killed by tornadoes?”

Joe waved his hand again. “A cyclone sounds just fine. Anything that’s not a flood, you can do.”

It stunk to high heaven as far as Buster was concerned, but he knew Joe well enough to see when he’d made up his mind. He finished his tagliatelle in silence and didn’t even pretend he was willing to pick up the tab when Joe went to pay. He took a taxi back to the Senator and went to bed early, tossing between the sheets and stewing about his lost flood. There were butter cookies in the brown paper sack making dark greasy spots on its sides. Nelly stood outside Buster’s dressing room, her heart racing with the memory of what had happened last time she’d stepped inside it. Before she lost her nerve, she tapped on the door. 

“Come in!” called Buster. 

She slipped through and closed the door. He was sitting at his table again, not in costume today but wearing dark slacks and a long-sleeved blue jacquard shirt with faint stripes.

“Hi, it’s Nelly,” she said, by way of greeting. 

“I haven’t forgotten your name,” said Buster, one corner of his mouth quirking. “What do you have there?”

She stepped a few feet forward and extended the bag. “I made you cookies.”

He looked from the bag to her as he took it, surprised. “What did I do to deserve such an honor?”

“I heard you broke your nose,” she said. Indeed, she could see up close that his nose was swollen near the top and there were small faded bruises beneath his eyes, not noticeable unless you were next to him.

“So you baked me cookies.” He peeked inside. 

“Yes. I wanted to thank you, too,” she said, feeling the full ridiculousness of her gesture. “For taking care of me last Friday night.”

“No one’s ever made me get-well cookies before, not even my own mother. I’d just get cod-liver oil, even for sprains.” He sounded pleased.

“How’s your nose?” she said, as he bit into a cookie. 

“Hurts like the dickens,” he said, chewing. “I’m hoping the swelling will go down by Friday so I can start filming again.” He didn’t remark upon the cookie as he finished it, but she noticed he pulled another out of the bag. “We’re doing the night scenes soon.”

She was still a little fuzzy on Steamboat Bill’s plot, but this week’s filming had involved hundreds of local extras, and the grander of the two steamboats was piloted up and down the river, belching out huge plumes of black smoke. She’d taken a break to watch the spectacle. The crowd’s enthusiasm for the steamboat seemed real. The whole set certainly looked real thanks to all the props down by the riverside, the small boats, the large pennants reading KING, and the patriotic bunting draped on storefronts. Buster had been on hand near the cameras helping direct, but hadn’t noticed her in the throngs.

Buster went on. “I’ve got this publicity man who says I can’t have a flood because of the lives that were lost when the Mississippi flooded, so we’re changing everything up for a cyclone.” She marveled a little that he was telling her anything about the production, but tried not to show it. “I wondered what those airplane propellers and big motors Bert had me order were for,” she said. 

“These are good,” said Buster, pulling a third cookie from the bag. “Remind me to get hurt more often.”

“Or rescue foolish girls from themselves more often,” she said. 

“It was nothing,” he said. 

“It was something to me.” 

He considered her as he started on the third cookie. 

“Anyway, I already took lunch. I’ve got to get back to the shop,” she said.

“Okay,” he said. 

She had her hand on the door when he spoke up again. 

“Why that Shrew play, anyway? Why not Juliet?”

She turned back and looked at him, thoroughly confused. She had no idea how he knew about one of her dearest and closest ambitions.

He noticed her puzzlement and clarified. “You said your dream was to star in that Shrew play. Why? Why not Romeo and Juliet?”

“I don’t remember telling you that,” she said, feeling abashed

“Well, don’t get bent out of shape about it, I was just asking,” he said, a little defensively. 

“No, I’m not bent out of shape, I’m surprised,” she said, as she faced him. “I don’t remember saying that. I’m afraid of what else I, uh, might have said that night.” She cringed to think of what else might have come out of her mouth. “I hope I didn’t beg you for a break or anything.”

He regarded her with a calm expression. “You didn’t. I’d still like to know, though.”

“Well, Kate has a mind of her own. She wants to control her own fate. Marriage isn’t for her,” she said, conscious of how clumsy her words were. “She’s fun to play. Romeo and Juliet is a little boring.”

In truth, it was Katherine’s spirit which she loved, the rebellion against her father and Petruchio, and hang the end of the play. In her experience, the audience never remembered the end of the play, only the beginning and middle where Katherine was at her most defiant and fiery. 

Buster nodded, elbow on the table and finger sliding absently under his lip. The silence stretched on for long enough that Nelly said, “Anyway, I’ll see you around.”

“Thanks for the cookies,” Buster said.

Note: It’s easy when writing a fiction about Buster Keaton to cast Natalie Talmadge as a villain. I prefer to listen to Buster’s granddaughter Melissa Talmadge Cox who points out that the divorce is ancient history and that fans should get over it! Even though I’m writing a story that is obviously canon divergent, I always remember that Buster lived happily ever after with Eleanor Norris Keaton and considered himself to have had a lucky life with very few dark spots. Why did Natalie put a end to her sex life with the gorgeous, winsome Buster Keaton? I think the likeliest explanation is that she just wasn’t attracted to him or simply didn’t like sex. I do think Buster really loved her too and wanted things to work out, which is why their marriage lasted as long as it did. I’ve tried to convey that with this story. Also, I’m with Natalie. Trying to travel hours on a train with two young rambunctious boys sounds like a nightmare, even with a governess.  And yes, the Keaton governess was also named Connie, not to be confused with Constance “Connie” Talmadge, who was also frequently called Dutch. Finally, with a lot of digging through newspapers I learned that the date Buster broke his nose was July 30th, 1927! So the first scene takes place on the 31st. The second occurs on Wednesday, August 3rd.

gibson 1959 | self

 “I think that’s everything, chicken. Yeah? You got everything, Caleb?”

Eyes dim on a patch of grey linoleum, it took a gentle tug of the larger hand Lana had clasped in hers for her brother to dawn back to reality.

“Hm? Oh... Yeah. Yeah, think so.”

Down by his side, a clear plastic rubbish bag dangled limp from a loose fist, contents occasionally rustling whenever he so much as cleared his throat.

“He does,” Lana interjected, face soaked in the kind of sunshine bright optimism you’d expect from a Labrador puppy anticipating its lunch bowl. “I checked and, like… folded everything, so. Yeah! We’re good. He’s good.”

She wouldn’t have been able to hide the pride in that statement if she’d been trying to, eyes skimming his features with her dimples so pronounced, you could have stashed an entire football trophy cabinet in them. 

“Yeah,” he repeated, gaze flitting over after a pregnant pause to find the nurse’s, regurgitating her polite smile in the seamless way he’d learned he had to. “I’m good.”

He’d been in the hospital for a grand total of two hundred and eighty four days, six hours and twelve minutes.

It seemed like years since she’d seen him outdoors, at all -- he’d been offered trips outside of the facility, if he wanted to, but he’d always declined under the grounds that he wasn’t ready yet. 

It was strange, unlocking their front door after an Uber ride home in which she blabbered endlessly and he merely nodded and listened, occasionally resisting a smile when she got her tongue tied and mispronounced something because she was too excited to talk any slower than supersonic.

She felt kind of like a child that had smuggled a candy bar off the corner shop counter, fingers continuously sifting the crinkles of wrapper inside her pocket just to check that she’d actually had the guts, that she hadn’t just dreamt it. 

“Welcome back to the lurv shack, bay-bee,” Lana enunciated with a lame kick of one leg in halfhearted cancan, forgetting to finish the routine and turning back, instead, to make sure he’d made it through the door okay.

After such an extended period of bed rest -- due to many contributing factors, he’d had to have restraints that sporadically forced him to be mattress bound for days and nights at a time -- his joints were somewhat stiff. He’d joked in monotone on the front steps that he was the Wizard of Oz’s Tin Man in dire need of oiling, and while Lana had returned his small smile, she’d also made sure to squeeze his hand as a wordless encouragement.

“Come on, Ol’ McCreaky.” Flashing him a grin, it was with a lone nod down the corridor that she started shrugging off one sleeve of her faux fur jacket, black and white star print slipping another three inches to reveal a narrow shoulder. Even then, schlepping down the hall with her hair in a barely combed tangle around her cheeks, she looked like a burlesque girl intent on providing a show, framed photos on the walls practically blushing over every glimpse of skin they managed to reflect back.

“I got those dinosaur shaped pancakes you say you hate. So juvenile, those pancakes!” she impersonated, laughter bubbling up from her throat like caramel brought to boil. Twisting around so she could face him as she walked backwards, she quickly reviewed the shuffle of his feet as she continued speaking, monitoring for any lulls in pace. “Honestly, you’re such a fake. I saw you gobble a pterodactyl off my plate, once, when you thought I was peeing. Jokes on you, hombre! She’s a urine scammer. I didn’t even have to go, I totally just spied on you from the banister.”

“That’s a lie.”

Grin only doubling, she started prancing from foot to foot like an evil little hobgoblin delighting in a wicked scheme, red cowboy boots echoing a wild patter around the walls. 

Lips tweaking in a lame attempt to match hers, he rolled his eyes as he continued to follow her towards the kitchen. “Alright, stop that.”

Regardless, she continued, drenched with so much giddy energy that she felt like a jack-in-the-box wound one time too many, rocking around its mechanism in a dangerous frenzy that threatened to break the spring.

“Fucking hell,” he exhaled, unable to help but let out a short laugh, for once. She wasn’t half ridiculous. “I hate this, Lana. That looks horrible.”

Finally ceasing, it was with a breathless swipe at her skirt to right the fluttering pleats that she spun back to yank at the next door handle, jacket still dangling off just one shoulder since she’d forgotten to finish removing it.

“That was my Niall Horan on bath salts impression, actually. If you knew your Irish jigs, that would’ve been obvious. Point deducted, yer wee cunty!”

She felt like she had a firefly jarred inside her chest for the entire duration of their back and forth banter, body of it bumping and glowing against the confines of her rib cage as she clattered into the kitchen.

In fact, she’d been so wrapped up in the fact that Caleb was finally home -- her Caleb, her entire world -- that she hadn’t even noticed the murmur of voices drifting in from the large conservatory, the room their parents reserved for dinner parties given the long table and the view overlooking the garden. 

It was only once she’d turned back from rustling within her shopping bag to produce a carton of eggs that she noticed how tense Caleb’s shoulders were, eyes stuck on something past the wall, staring further into the heart of the house -- if you could even call it that.

A heart implied life. Warmth. 

“They’re here.”

“Fucking hell, is that Caleb Jameson? Fuck me. Just take a look at him! There’s nothing of him!”

Screeching back from his chair to get to his feet once they’d entered the room, Jensen Peters lumbered sideways over the leg he’d somehow managed to position as an obstacle, clearly already drunk at a mere three in the afternoon.

Shirt unbuttoned to just above his belly button, chest hair rampant and just a lone middle finger flecked with black nail polish, he looked like a long lost rock oracle washed ashore on a desert island, eyes red rimmed from salt water and the terror of a stormy shipwreck.

He had a raven’s face, long and thin -- all beak and peck and black, somehow, despite his pale eyes and sandy hair to match.

Next to Caleb, Lana shrank like an under watered tulip, immediately fascinated by the panels of the hardwood.

“Hi. Teeth still unbrushed as ever, I see,” Caleb commented, eyes moving from the hand that Jensen extended to shake his to the face of his father. He made no effort to reach out and complete the greeting, ignoring him completely. “I’m home, Robert. Are you shitting yourself with excitement, yet? Or did you already wipe yourself down so you wouldn’t stink out the dinner table? Incontinence woes.”

Unimpressed, their father merely took a sip from his glass and exchanged an apologetic look with another member of company. 

Gnawing on her bottom lip, Lana held Caleb’s hand a fraction tighter as she shuffled slightly forwards to glance around the occupants of the table, shooting them all a brief smile. 

“Hi. Sorry, Caleb has a migraine. We were just, um... I mean, we’ll get out of your hair and stuff. Nice to see you all, though. Caleb? Should w--”

“Lana, Lana, Laaaaa-naaaa. Lana!” Enamel of his teeth blotted with plaque stains from chain smoking and gargling whiskey for breakfast in the place of Listerine, Jensen thrust his hands out in exclamation, acting as if he’d just been bestowed with a vision of Christ to inform him about his immaculate conception. “Look at you! A fuckin’... tiny thing. Could pick you up and put you in my pocket, couldn’t I?!”

Heart thumping inside her throat, she peeled back her lips to reveal her teeth, a take on a grin that looked more like an animal baring its fangs after it’d been backed against a wall.

 “C’mere,” he enthused, fingers waggling her in. “You gonna give me a fuckin’ hug, or what?”

“Um... Yeah, of course. Yeah, sorry,” she forced out after a stuttered delay, about to take a step forwards when Caleb yanked her back by the hand she’d forgotten she was still holding, startled yelp parting her lips.

“I don’t think she feels like it,” he interrupted, shoulders tense and eyes burning so intently into Jensen’s that it was as if he was willing them to sear black holes through the sockets. “Feel free to sit down and stop talking. Robert,” came as his chin flinched sideways, focus returning to their father as he sat wordlessly at the head of the table, observing the situation in the odd glance before he resumed his thumbing at his phone screen. “We’re gonna go. Just wanted to say hi.”

For as long as Lana could remember, Caleb had never referred to their father by name.

“Mhm?” He barely lifted his eyes from his phone.

Stomaching a scoff, Caleb shook his head and stared briefly at the floor by his shoes.

Lana could sense the frustration unfurling inside his stomach like a fighter’s fist, knuckles twitching every time Jensen dared to so much as look at her.

“Dad,” she started softly, gently letting go of Caleb’s hand so that she could take a step forwards and rest both on the back of a stately designed dining chair, easily priced within three figures to buy just one. “Caleb got discharged today, remember? I, um... I called you, about it. We spoke on the phone. Remember?”

Lie. She’d circled it thrice in red on the calendar, texted him seven times over the past month, and tried to ring eighteen only to be put through to voicemail. But it was better, this way, for Caleb to have a pitiful scrap of compassion for him to gnaw on to keep the starvation at bay, to think that their father had actually been invested at all in his recovery, enough to check in.

“Ah... Yeah,” came as he clicked his lock screen shut, lips a thin line that quivered into action like it took him a great exertion of effort to do so -- the smile he produced was condescendingly pitiful, easily the equivalent of a kindergarten doodle submitted to a university grade portfolio. “Yeah, of course.”

“Fuckin’ right! Yeah, yeah. Fresh out the loony bin, isn’t he? Fuck me,” Jensen got out with a snort, clapping a hand down onto Caleb’s shoulder after closing into his personal space once more. With it, he shook him gently, a carnival guest rapping at the bars of a tiger’s cage to incite a snarl. “Our own resident Girl, Interrupted. Forgot about the whole... slittarooski. Damn. Not quite got the tits for Jolie, though, do you? Then again,” he chided, voice lowering as he shot Caleb a wink, “neither do any of the Jameson’s.”

“That’s enough,” Robert nipped in the bud after his eyes drifted to observe the way Lana’s expression faltered, voice surprisingly apathetic given the derogatory observations of his own wife and daughter. Holding his hands up in mock surrender, Jensen backed up and took a seat at the table once more, immediately tracking a thumb down one of the strings of his 1959 Gibson. Attention back on Caleb, it was as if, to Robert, Jensen had never said anything at all. “That’s great. Well done.”

Dull twangs reverberating whenever Jensen’s rings clacked against the neck of his Gibson, Lana could physically feel Caleb’s rage stilling the air around them, almost suffocated by the dead silence that came with standing in the heart of a hurricane.

“Yeah, um... Anyway, yeah,” she attempted to brush it off, apples of her cheeks so flushed that they almost looked darker than the mahogany tabletop her father propped his elbows against. “It is great. He did really good. And he’s basically, um... You know. Like, all better, now, kind of. So... yeah. Won’t keep you, or anything. Just wanted to... let you know -- that he’s home, I mean.”

“Yeah, great.” He barely cared enough to keep his eyes away from the table. “Cool stuff. I’ll call Stella, in a bit.” Their mother. “She’ll be happy to know.”

“Yeah, ‘cause she’ll take the time out of sunning topless in Monaco to take that call,” Jensen joked with his back turned, shoulders quivering slightly with the effort it took to subdue a laugh. “Fucking drag.” Still dusting down his strings with a soft, mottled cloth, he craned his neck slightly in order to throw a distracted question back over his shoulder, eyes straining to remain on his handiwork all the while. “Say, Lana? About this, uh... facility. You happen to volunteer there, at all? Get about in a little pinstripe thing, give any sponge baths to the rest of the cabbages?”

“Um...” trailed off as her eyes flit to watch Caleb, three casual steps seeing him moving to reach Jensen’s side. “No,” she admitted, hands clasped together like she was front row in a local church choir, fingers clutching one another until they glowed red from the amount of pressure. “No, nothing like that. I don’t think they do, um... a pinstripe, like, thing on--... Caleb, what’re you doing?”

Blinking up at Caleb as Lana’s question prompted him to, Jensen furrowed his eyebrows.

Above him, Caleb loomed like a pillar about to topple down any second and crush someone.

Unblinking, he simply stared. 

“Yeah, Caleb,” he began, delightfully curious at the fact he’d managed to rile enough life out of him at all. On his face, a shit eating grin began to creep into view as he echoed her same sentiment. “What’re you doing?”

It was only when Caleb reached down and wrenched the guitar from his hands that he lost his smugness.

“Wait,” Jensen quickly objected, but Caleb was already gripping the neck in both fists and marching towards the conservatory door, unlocked and looking out over the rest of the garden. “I said fucking-- Rob, stop him. Rob, fucking stop him, that’s my Gibson. That’s my fucking Gibson!”

“Caleb,” Robert warned, chair legs scraping as he rose to his feet, finally paying attention. “That’s enough.”

Racing after him with hands outstretched, Lana almost managed to trip and fall three times in the length it took to reach the patio Caleb had just strode across, chill of the air outside enough to coax goosebumps from her forearms.

“Yeah? Is it your fucking Gibson, is it? It’s your fucking Gibson?” Caleb shouted back, military issue boots clunking hard against power washed stone. “Not the fucking Gibson.”

“Caleb--”

“--Anything but the fucking Gibson, am I right? The Gibson!”

Wrenching the vintage model up and above his head, it was with a sky splitting yell from Jensen that Caleb smashed it down as forcefully as he could against the ground, wood immediately erupting into a catastrophic splinter.

Within another deafening whack, a dial pinged off and landed in the pool.

“Fuck, there goes the fucking Gibson, Jensen!” came heaved breathlessly from a tired chest, arms trembling as he did it again and again, over and over, buttons and strings scattering. In front of Lana, Robert gripped hard at Jensen’s arm in order to keep him from racing forwards and killing him, too wary of the potential newspaper headlines should he have to ring an ambulance. “Whatever will you do without the fucking Gibson, Jensen? Form an actual personality? Brush your fucking teeth with all the extra free time, maybe? Did you a fucking favour, you ugly fucking cunt.”

Tossing the last of the mess into the pool, Caleb wrenched his eyes to review Lana’s wide pair that were merely blinking back at him, completely stunned. 

All her life, she’d never dared to stand up to any of them. 

She’d only ever managed to cower with her tail between her legs in the face of those men with their oily palms and dirty fingernails, a kicked puppy still intent on nuzzling at your ankles, afterwards, to try and earn its favour back.

As much as Caleb hated him personally, she knew this was for her.

Guilt welled up in her chest like a helium balloon.

“Jesus,” Robert whispered, disbelief reducing his face to a blank and gaping slate. Hand up to clasp his forehead, he dropped the one checking Jensen as another of his associates tread forwards to take over the responsibility. “You’re a fucking... disgrace.”

“Yeah?” came out ragged, eyes wilder than a caged fox as Caleb stared down his father in the face, ignoring the blathering expletives that Jensen was still barking in the background like an Alsatian that just heard the house alarm. “Take a look at who you fucking keep around you, Robert. You’re the disgrace.” Tossing the last bit of jagged wood he held clutched in a trembling fist, it landed gracelessly by their father’s feet. “You’re the fucking disgrace.”

Silence settled like a wet blanket to smother the stove fire, pieces of guitar still bobbing about the pool’s surface like the shrapnel pieces Caleb had to have plucked out of his right leg after his abrupt discharge from duty, nerves salvageable enough that he was only left with a slight limp.

The association had something dark fluttering across his face, although Lana had already hurried forwards to take his hand, again, a panicked glance tossed back between Caleb and their father to assess the potential damage.

“Get out,” Robert breathed after a significant delay, barely able to look either of them in the face as his voice was reduced to a mere whisper.

“Both of you, get out,” he repeated, eyes complete devoid of warmth as they flit between the both of them. “I mean it.”

“But dad, he didn’t me--”

Holding up a hand to cut Lana off, he used the same one to point at her, jaw completely tense.

“Lana, get him the fuck out of here before I call the cops.”

Pit Saves Canada - Chapter 2: Attack on Cananada

AN: Wow, I can't believe how many people have read the story already! Although I've only posted it a few days ago, it already has 7 reviews on fanfiction dot net! So thank you all of my readers. Unless you're Tim, then fuck you, Tim. This chapter will have some REAL ACTION and it will be so cool and edgy that you will literally have an orgasm.

Chapter 2: Attack on Cananada

"I can't believe I'm finally in the great white north! What a beautiful place!" Pit loves Canada, if you couldn't already tell. "I'm going to do EVERYTHING here in Ottawa!" The angle twins were in a gift shop in Ottawa because Pit wanted to buy 20 more sets of Canadian-themed clothes. Right now, Pit was still wearing his Mountie costume, and Pittoo was wearing a Kill la Kill shirt because even though it's anime, at least it's edgy anime.

"And I'm not going," said Pittoo, while looking up edgy anime memes on his phone.

"Yes you are! And you're going to love it! I made a list of everything that I'm going to do in Canada!" he said, taking out a Dictionary-sized notebook. "Number 1: Masturbate in a Tim Horton's bathroom!"

"Wtf why would you even say that?!" yelled Pittoo in horror.

"Haha I'm joking!" Pit luckily said. "You need to cheer up, Splatoon! Canada is a beautiful place! Just look outside! There's so much nature everywhere that wild animals are roaming the streets!" He pointed outside at the many moose, polar bears, and beavers running around and letting people pet them. "Look, a Chespin is coming into the store!"

A wild Chespin walked into the store and said "Chespin!"

"Wait..." said Pittoo. "Oh no! Oh no no no no! Don't you dare! I know what you're trying to do! Don't you fucking dare! I've seen enough of those shitty tumblr fanfic quotes to know what you're about to do SO STOP! I fucking swear, I will shoot you! I have this gun right in my hands, and I swear to Saitama I MEAN SATAN FUCK that you'll be dead if you do this. SO STOP IT RIGHT NOW YOU FUCKING FURRY BITCH!"

Chespin took a step out the door. "Chespou-"

*BANG*

Chespin fell down dead as Pittoo lowered his gun. He regretted nothing.

"WHAT THE HECK PITTOO YOU MURDERED HIM!"

"HEY, I WARNED HIM, AND HE STILL DID IT!"

Palutena, Icarus, and Bean walked up while all wrapped in a giant Canadian scarf.

"This is a group hug scarf," explained Palutena. "You go up to someone and then wrap them in this for a group hug! That way they can't get away!"

"Do you two want to join our group hug?" asked Icarus.

"Yeah!" yelled Pit.

"Fuck no!" yelled Pittoo.

They didn't listen to Dark Pit and wrapped them both in the scarf.

"AH GET ME OUT!" squealed Pittoo edgily. "HISS! HISS!"

"Hey, cashier, do you want to join in our group hug?" Palutena asked the girl working at the counter.

"Sure, eh!" she exclaimed happily and joined in.

"Everyone else in the store, you can join in, too!"

"Yay!" everyone yelled and then joined in the hug.

"WTF GET ME OUT OF HERE!" whined Pittoo.

"Canada!" said Pit because Canada.

LATER:

The angle family all got on a tour bus so that they could see all the great sights in Ottawa. They saw the Notre Dame Cathedral, the Parliament building, the National Gallery of Canada, and even the Canadian White House! Pit was screaming in happiness the entire time while Pittoo put on the same noise-cancelling headphones from earlier.

"I hope I can meet Trudeau! He is my true hero, and I want to take a picture with him and get his autograph and take another picture and get another autograph and then take another another picture and then-"

Suddenly, a GIANT ROBOT tore the roof off of the bus! "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!11111111111111111111111111111111111" screamed everyone.

The evul robot trapped Palutena, Icarus, and Bean in a glowing cage and then flew away before anyone could do anything.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO MOM AND DAD AND OTHER DAD!" yelled Pit and Pittoo.

"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING!" screeched Pit.

"SHIT WHAT DO WE DO?!"

"I DON'T KNOW!" and then they both ran in circles screaming until they realized that there were robots everywhere.

A familiar voice rung from the robots. "People of Canada, you may now welcome your new leader, ME, DONALD TRUMP! I now have enough money that I bought the entire United States and am now their overlord. And with my new power, I have the authority (and money) to take over your country. Sit aside and let us take you over and harvest your country's resources. Also, if you're wondering about your shitty former leader, he have him in captivity. That is all for today. Goodbye, and enjoy your new lives in the United States of Trump."

"OH SHOOT TRUMP TOOK OVER CANADA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER FIRST OUR PARENTS WERE KIDNAPPED AND THEN CANADA WAS TAKEN OVER BY DONALD TRUMP!1111111 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!11111111111111111111111"

Everyone ran in terror to the nearest Tim Hortons and barricaded themselves inside.

"Do you have any ideas of what to do now?" asked Pittoo.

"I know! I'LL CALL OVERWATCH!" Pit took out his phone and dialed a number. "Hello, is this Overwatch?

"No, thees is Tito Dick 'Dickman,' baby," Tito Dick replied.

"Oh, soory, wrong number," said Pit, hanging up. "I don't know Overwatch's number, and so I accidentally called Tito Dick."

"If you didn't know their number, then what did you type into the phone?"

"I don't know, I just typed in a random number and hoped it would be the right one."

"That makes literally no sense. And wait...OH FUCK YOU SAID DICK!"

"Wait, no! I WAS JUST SAYING HIS NAME I DIDN'T CURSE!"

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH MY EARS YOU CURSED AAHAHHAHHAHAAHAH!"

"I'M SO SOORY!" screamed Pit and then they both cried into each other's arms. "Oh yeah WE NEED TO SAVE TRUDEAU AND ALSO SAVE CANADA!"

"I have an idea! We can form a team to SAVE CANADA!"

"Did I hear someone wanting to form a team?" asked a voice in the distance. It was...Johnny Test?! "I can help with my AWESOME talking dog! We can do TOTALLY RADICAL things like rebelling from authority and riding on EPIC skateboards!" he yelled making whiplash noises and other sound effects everwhere.

"Never mind, Pittoo and I will go by ourselves."

"Yes, we must...GO ROUGE!" said the formerly satin-worshiping angle. "We just need to know where Trump took the Prime Minister!"

"Look, he posted something on Instagram!"

The angle opened an image of Trudeau taking a selfie while being escorted by guards. It was captioned, "Guys, I've been captured and taken to the Pentagon by Donald Trump!"

"That's it! We need to go to Washington D.C and save him!" exclaimed Pit. "And look, a ride is right there!" He pointed to a nearby moose. But it wasn't a regular moose. It was a radioactive moose that could travel at high speeds! The angle twins jumped onto its back and sped away.

They quickly got to the border, but faced trouble once they got there.

"Oh no!" exclaimed Pit. "Trump built a wall on the Canadian-American border! "Quick Pittoo, use your anime powers!"

"ONE PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!" screamed Pittoo as he punched a huge hole in Trump's wall.

Then things started going smoothly again. The moose was so fast that they got to D.C within 5 minutes.

"Look, it's the Pentagon!" pointed out Pittoo. They began to invade the Pentagon, Pittoo fighting with a katana and Pit using a hockey stick.

MEMEWHILE:

"So, Mr. Canada," said Trump trying to be tough. "Where do you have the weapons hidden."

"I don't know what you're talking about, eh?" Trudeau said with a poker face much better than Umi's in Love Live School Idol Project.

"I know you have Canadian super-weapons hidden in Ottawa, and I need to find them!"

Suddenly, an alarm went off. While Trump was distracted, Trudeau slugged him in the face and ran. "Soory aboot that, eh?" he said while running off. But he couldn't get too far before some evil agents like the ones in the Matrix came up and pointed guns at him. "You darn hosers!" exclaimed the Prime Minister.

Luckily, Pit got there just in time to knock the agents out with his hockey stick. "Justin Trudeau, IT'S REALLY YOU!" Pittoo soon got up behind them and sheathed his katana.

"Quick, we have to get out of here before Trump sends in reinforcements. I have a portal gun with me that can take me back to Ottawa, but it only works when powered by maple syrup!"

"Good thing I have some with me!" said Pit, taking out a jug. He poured the syrup into the portal gun, causing the portal to open up, and they hastily jumped through and appeared in Ottawa.

"CANADA, I MISSED YOU!" screamed Pit, kissing the ground.

"You were only gone for a fucking hour," complained Pittoo.

"Any time from Canada is a bad time, Pittoo."

"I agree," said Trudeau.

"OMGOSH I CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY YOU! I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN!"

"Why, thank you for saving me, eh! I am so gratified to the two of you! What are your names?"

"I'm Pit, and I love Canada more than anything! This is my edgy weeb brother Pittoo!"

"Konichiwa, I mean 'sup," Pittoo edged weebily.

"How would you two like to help me...SAVE CANADA!"

"OH MY MACDONALD, YES! I WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR CANADA!"

Someone walked out of the nearby Tim Hortons, and it was Lucas from Pokemon Diamond and Pearl. "Look, Trudeau is safe!"

A group of Canadians walked in from fighting the robots with axes, hockey sticks, and shotguns. "Hoor-eh!" they exclaimed (AN: GEDDIT!).

All of the Canadians went into the restaurant with the angles and the PM and had a party.

"We're so glad you're safe, Mr. Prime Minister!" said a Canadian girl.

"Why, I couldn't have gotten out if it wasn't for these two angles!" he said, patting Pit and Pittoo on the back.

"OH MY GOSH TRUDEAU JUST TOUCHED ME!1" exclaimed Pit happily.

Suddenly, a man with a gun kicked down the door!

"Prime Minister Trudeau, I'm CIA!" he said, pointing a gun at him.

Then a bulky masketta man walked into the room! "I'm crashing this party...with no survivors!"

AN: GASP! Who is this mysterious masketta man? AND WILL THEY MAKE IT OUT ALIVE? Find out next time! I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, and please tell me what you thought in the comments!

STORY OF A VAMPIRE GOD by duallygirl178

"Crocaine is produced by vampires, Hookahs are manifacturered by the vampire gods in the underworld. It was an evil, evil thing" It was a glorius holy day and Albamarr was busy gathering fruit when he spotted an animal that wasn't what for him to gather because he wasn't one of the hunters. So he caught it anyway without consiquences. He cut off the windpipe of the animal which was half deer and half moose. He dragged it to the Alpha to show him what he caught. The Alpha was furious and upset with Albamarr that he ordered the hunters and guardians to punish him for that he had sinned and disobeyed order. He was locked away in a cage with in heavy chains and tied up with golden locks. The gods, goddesses and hunters removed his tusks and beat him until he was restless. After they all beat him and punished him, they left him there chained up with parking boots on his front tires and chains tightening his body until they cut him in parts. Overnight, Albamarr grew malevolent and felt power forming from inside him. His heart was no longer kind. He grew abnormal parts. Acid blood, an inner mouth that snapped at anything using acid blood and drool. He strained to get free as he snapped at the air recklessly. The chains started to melt and the parking boots hissed into melting along with the chains. His eyes glowed a lime green color around the red blodshot iris. In no time, he was free. He wanted revenge against the Alpha Ruthamarian for punishing him. He snapped at the cage he was in and melted the iron and metal to get the Alpha. Hatred, injustice, and unearthly like power filled him with good feeling he never felt before. He encountered the Alpha an he was about to attack, until the Alpha took him on with force, calling for the gods to cast him out with one mighty screech. Cautiously, the gods watched his every move and grabbed him as Albamarr fought with force and with wild behavior. He snapped at them and missed. The gods have thrown him out before Albamarr could fight back. He quickly grew horns, two extra spoilers and  arms that could convert to wings when he wanted. He hissed and snapped at the air with his inner mouth. He developed other additions such as spewing out fire, ice, tar, lightning bolts, and lava along with the power to ghost through anything and appear out of mirrors magically without any sign. His first victim he hunted down was a little girl who was wandering in the feild. He crouched down low and stalked up to her. He had a craving for blood. When he was close enough, he jumped out at her and chased her. Albamarr sped up faster and faster until he was able to pounce. He wrapped his octopus arms around her so she wouldn't escape. His drool dripped out of his mouth and landed on her windsheild as she screamed for help. Albamarr then bit into his prey and  snapped away at parts of the little girl before disappearing into the malevolent world. Albamarr overthrew half the army of vampires and they soon realized, he was more mighty than they were. So they made him the god of vampires and served him well with car and truck sacrifices that they kidnapped, pouring out all the blood into a bowl for him to slurp up.  He had the ability to raise the dead and show them what else he can do by raising the defeated vampires he had defeated and they bowed to him along with the rest of the other vampires. One day while Albamarr was out hunting some hikers, he was ambushed by a god from the Ruthamarian world. It was Garando, the god of security. Albamarr was fighting for his life as he tried to defeat his competitor. He snapped at him and was able to get a hold of the left side of the spoiler melting off a tiny corner of it. Garando struck Albamarr in the windsheild and took out his right eye into a white eye. Albamarr was in so much pain that he shrieked so loud echoing the woods until it defeaned the trees. As Albamarr was going to strike again with his arms, but Garando moved, dodging the strike and  he scratched Albamarr  on the eye lid and the upper mouth of his lip as Albamarr tried to snap of the god's headlight out. Albamarr was about to spew lava at Garando, he disappeared before he could make the kill. Albamarr smelled for him inthe air, but didn't find him. Albamarr growled and went back to the vampire world. The citizens all saw Albamarr was distressed so they offered one of them to suck the blood out of them. He. The One that never found love was to be given up as food. This calmed Albamarr down as he sucked the organs out of him. He began to prout a flexable eye on above his stripes so he could look behind him. Albamarr  was pleased to have a helpful eye that could flex to see what's behind him. It stood awake when he slept and it was always active.  It also gave him the ability to heal himself faster but his condition of salvitation remained permenint.  The colony of vampires all celebrated by building temples on their cities. While Albamarr was watching the construction, he used his new active eye to finish the structures very quickly and made them industructable. The eye added more power than ever!  Albamarr  grinned wickedly, proud to have a new world and new empire rule over the vampire colony. Albamarr  went out to discover what else his new eye had yet to show. He closed his eyes and knocked over a few trees that were in his way. He caused them to crash in front of him from their roots. "Weak rooting." He said in his very deep voice as he opened his eyes to see. Albamarr  flew to The Ruthamarian world. His entrance caused some trees to fall over, almost damaging some dwellings in them. The gods, goddesses, and everyone scurried to safety to get out of the way. When they saw who it was that caused the racket, they all gasped to see him flying above the sky in the valley of the gods and goddesses. Albamarr swooped down and landed in front of the Alpha who was prepared to defend. "You were banished!" the Alpha said. "And I came to get my revenge, Old Fool. You beat me until I was weak in chains." Albamarr  said. "You've changed badly vampire. You sinned for it was not your duty to bring me a dead animal that wasn't your chore." Alpha said. Albamarr  chuckled wickedly and snapped his inner jaw at the Alpha's face to make him flinch. "Get out of here, demon." Alpha said. "I came here for revenge. Now, Send out your best god to beat me. If I win, I overthrow this universe and get rid of the gods and goddesses and I get to lock you away until you rot." Albamarr  threatened. "You will not over throw me. You will not lock away my presence to lead, and you will not get rid of my gods and goddesses. They are here for a reason. But your preposal is acceptable." Alpha said. With one mighty scream, the Alpha called out one of his best god to fight Albamarr. Rafario came flying down to accept the challenge. "You place your face in the wrong neighborhood nearly killing several of us for the last time." Rafario said. "I'm an open book!" Albamarr  shouted. "Come on, fight me." The colony of Ruthamarians gathered around to see the fight. The Alpha watched with a scowl. Rafario and the vampire god first took their fight in the air. They faught like hawks and Rafario clawed Albamarr in the headlight, almost shattering it. Albamarr snapped at Rafario with his inner mouth and he tried to reach out his arms to grab Rafario, but missed. "COME ONNNNNNN!!! STRIKE MEEEEE!!" Albamarr  screamed with fire in his eyes. Rafario had to avoid the acid blood spewing out and the poisonous drool dripping down from Albamarr's  mouth.  Albamarr  spewed out ice and froze one of Rafario's arms, but Rafario broke free of the ice. "IS THAT THE BEST YOU CAN DO?  YOU MAY HAVE UNLIMITED POWER, BUT YOU CAN NEVER WIN!!" Rafario roared. "COME ONNNN!! KILL MEEEEE! I AM AN OPEN BOOK!" Albamarr  roared back. He spewed acid in a circle at Rafario, nearly melting his eye. Albamarr  whipped out his arm and wrapped Rafario and they fell to the ground wrestling in the bushes. Albamarr  snapped his inner jaws at Rafario to  bite him, but kept missing. "Eye mean to do this." Albamarr  said as he activated his flexing eye at Rafario. Before the eye could demolish Rafario, he took one of his arms, and scratched Albamarr  across the lip, making him let go. He scratched Albamarr  behind the front shoulder making a zig zag mark. Rafario then landed, and flipped Albamarr  over as he went rolling and he knocked over a dying tree. Rafario watched and waited for Albamarr to come at him. "Is that all you got, Rafario? You meant worlds to me once, but now, look at you! You're dead!" Albamarr  chuckled as he spat a drip of his poisonous drool at Rafario's lip. "You're just another dead god rotting in the dirt with worms in your face. A dead god in my graveyard," "You shall be defeated one day, but not today." Rafario said as his lip swelled up. Rafario grabbed Albamarr and threw him against a medium rock where it shattered into pebbles. Rafario grabbed Albamarr  by the goat horns and threw him over his shoulder. Albamarr bowled over some thorns that pierced through him. Albamarr  giggled wickedly. "You think some thorns from the thorn bushes can stop me? You're missing out on what they can do once they're absorbed." Albamarr  said as he drove out of the thorn bushes. The thorns hissed into his skin and tires as the acid mixed them with his DNA. Albamarr  grew sharper spikes out of his claw tips. He threw them at Rafario. several missed Rafario, but one hit Rafario in the tire, giving him a flat. Rafario leaped towards Albamarr, tumbled into the thron bush, wrapped his arms around Albamarr's horns and chummed his face into the rocks and thorns until they rolled out and into the bone deposits, The pit was as dusty as a gold mine.Albamarr bled his acid blood dripping from his face. "Let's end this, Fairy princess. I still got plenty of energy to spare." Albamarr  said. But Rafario was invisible. He soared passed  Albamarr  and left him there to face the some of the god of the bones; Lubark, a 2016 Mach 1 concept's one  of the bone worms. Albamarr growled as it  circled him.   "You wanna eat me? Go ahead. I'm fresh!" Albamarr said. The bone worm hissed and came towrads Albamarr and swallowed him whole. But it was a bad idea. The bone worm felt gurgling inside as Albamarr spewed acid on the organs and snapped at the walls of the tissues inside. The worm thrashed its head to side to side in misery. Albamarr then made the worm throb its body up as it flopped back down on its back. Albamarr chest busted out of the worm's stomach and  climbed out as he dripped acid blood, saliva, mucus, and worm guts. The acid ate away the hole as Albamarr climbed out and shook off spaying off acid and mucus and saliva all over the place. "Tell your buddies, not to mess with me. I'm dangerous." Albamarr said. He climbed out of the deposit with all he could use and flew out of Ruthamarian universe. Rafario was being tended to by the doctor god. Albamarr had lost the fight but he would wait another day to attack. Albamarr was headed home to his vampire world when he spotted three cars already knocked unconcious in the night. Albamarr encountered them, sniffed them, and looked into their bodies. They were only crack crocaine stoners that all inhaled too much crack from a hookah still ready to use. Albamarr picked up the hookah and tried it. The effects soothed his sores. It made his eyes glow like flashlights. "That's good." Albamarr smiled liking the smoke already. Albamarr's stomach growled. He was hungry and ready to eat. The stoners all laid there passed out. "Dude, that was gross." one of them said while he was still out. Albamarr  dragged out one of the stoners, striked at his face, removing his eyes as the acid melted away the skin. The blood still tasted good and sweet like eating honey buffalo wings. Albamarr sliced through the car's chassis, and sucked all the blood and organs out before getting to the others. The victims all felt no pain as he devoured them as he removed their blood. When Albamarr was full, he took the hookah and the supply of crack crocaine and flew on home. He introduced the hookah to the colony so they can see if they manufacture a supply just like it. "Produce a thousand of these just like these. Farm and harvest me crocaine. At once." Albamarr ordered his colony of vampires. They bowed and took the hookah to make a thousand of them like it. While the others constructed crocaine into farms. When the process was being made, the servants returned the original hookah to Albamarr for him satisfy himself on. "The process is being made and going well in the factory structures, godly Albamarr. We've got four hundred made so far." he said. "Good." Albamarr said. "The crocaine supply is going well. Growing faster than we imagined." he said. "Brilliant. Leave me in peace now." Albamarr said. The servants all leave to check on the processes while Albamarr healed himself of his wounds on the crocaine. Albamarr closed his eyes as the pain disappeared from his wounds from his fight with Rafario. The scratches soon began to turn into scars tattooed to his body. He looked even more scary and more powerful than before. Albamarr's third eye kept watch. It would blink and turn from one side to the other side. It would then look behind Albamarr, scan all around and then go back to the front position for a little bit. Albamarr opened his eyes and saw there were three servants telling him that they reached a thousand hookahs that were being spread throughout the colony. "Well done. And the crocaine supply?" Albamarr asked. "Harvested." the servant said. "Good." Albamarr said. Albamarr continued to make his hunts easy with his abilities to make a kill from coming out of the mirror to ghosting through the door instantly to remove his victim's eyes and take all the blood out without the victim having to feel any pain. He still hunted lives that he watched from high above and nothing could stop him. THE END