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#but sometimes i try to figure out what people are talking about and they’re just calling it like
gin-juice-tonic · 1 day
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I've been thinking a lot about gender identity and stuff lately, but to my shame I’m not the most educated person when it comes to lgbt related stuff. Every time I try to search it to learn more I end up freaking out and clearing my browsing history because of the feeling of being watched. I know I’m being unreasonable, but it’s stronger than me. I don’t have anyone to ask about this kind of stuff. Everyone around me is negative about lgbt, I grew up among this negativity. I’m afraid to ask my online friends because I don’t want to seem ignorant or stupid. What have I decided to do? Send an anonymous ask to a stranger about my concerns (sorry about that), whose blog helped me to accept the fact that I might not be who I though I was at the first place. It feels more safe. Back to the point.
As a teen I used she/they pronouns and a different gender-neutral name online for years. I still do it as an adult and now I realise that “she” was more like a compromise for me because it was what I used to be referred as for my whole life, but didn’t feel quite comfortable with. So it’s they/them for me, I guess. Okay. I’ve always preferred to not be related to any gender, but now I see that there’s more to it. I might be a nonbinary, but what if I’m actually an agender? I also consider the possibility of being a genderfluid because one moment I wear a dress and think that it looks good, and the other moment I cry in front of a mirror because of the idea of wearing it. So yeah, it depends on my mood. I don’t know how it works. I’m just so confused. The only thing I know that I’m not comfortable with being referred to as a female anymore. I’ve never really been.
Admittedly, as someone who is binary trans, I do not have a lot of knowledge in this area. I do know what it’s like to not know what you’re “supposed to be” though. And I know it can be frustrating and scary to be lost in trying to figure out your own identity. 
I asked some of my friends, who are nonbinary and genderfluid themselves, and the first thing we all have to say is you should allow yourself more kindness. I am sorry that you grew up around so much negativity. But I want you to know that it’s both okay to feel afraid but also okay to not know everything. If a friend is going to treat you badly for asking questions, they’re not a very good friend. 
One of my friends says the part you said about “making compromises” resonated a lot with them a lot, so you aren’t alone there. As for how you feel in a dress, clothes do not equal gender. You can like how you look in a dress without any of it having to do with girl-ishness. I suggest you try to think about why you like it when you do, and why you don’t when you don’t. My friends also suggested trying other clothes you can express yourself with. Think about why you like them, or why you don’t like them. (Of course, sometimes the answer has nothing to do with gender. I like athletic clothing because they make me look sporty, which is a neutral thing. But it’s good to know what parts aren’t related to gender at all too.) That extends beyond clothes too, any part of your presentation that you think you can play with without getting yourself into danger, you should. 
It’s tempting to feel like you have to scramble to figure out a label. Especially when advice and other people you can talk to can feel sort of “grouped” under them. And there’s a lot of knowledge to be gained that way for sure. But there’s a lot of knowledge to be gained just in figuring out what you do and don’t like. What makes you feel bad, what makes you feel at ease, what makes you super excited. You‘ve got it nailed down that you don’t like being called a female, that’s not a bad start! 
If your friends are people you think are good and kind, I would suggest reaching out to them so that you can explore things a little more with them, considering they know you better than I would. I know it's scary, but there's nothing wrong with not knowing things, and I hope they'd be aware of that too. And even if you call yourself something now and explore more into it, there's no harm if in the future it doesn't fit so good. There's no wrong way to be a gender, and more importantly there's no wrong way to be you.
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raw-bean · 3 months
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getting really annoyed with the preoccupation with intratrans issues as opposed to the bigger issues affecting the whole trans community irl rn. Transmisogyny and transandrophobia are real, actual issues with significant overlap, not just buzzwords to use when you’re trying to tell someone in the other binary group that they’re wrong about their own experiences
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a-wins-a-win · 4 months
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unpopular opinion?? maybe?
Matt & Ivy have a really interesting dynamic!! both pre- and post-canon!! with or without romantic undertones!! either reciprocal or one-sided!!
and obviously it has to be handled with a particular level of care/respect BUT I think if we allowed them enough grace there is space to explore a really interesting possibility for that relationship.
#obviously Matt is not ENTITLED to Ivy - im absolutely not saying that at all#and he definitely did a lot of things extremely wrong and Ivy doesn’t HAVE to forgive him - she doesn't even have to *like* him#and in many stagings she actually doesn’t at all! even pre-canon she isn't into him on a *platonic* level - which i love for her#but I also think that - misguided & clumsy about it though he was - Matt is genuinely trying his best to see her as a person.#an idealized version of a person yes. but a person nonetheless.#which is what Ivy wants from Jason (and tbf he sees her as a person also but it’s an obviously different situation)#and while you can't force romantic compatibility (that was like. the whole point.) in some versions of the show they're not-quite-dating#- in varying types of “situationship” with varying levels of commitment. so it's not insane to me to say hey#maybe they need time to stabilize themselves and figure out who they are again after the events of the show. but maybe a couple years -#- down the line they reconnect and they're both in a better place & maybe this time it can all work out.#idk I think I just see a lot of people write it off entirely - and they’re well within their rights to do so don’t get me wrong#but I don’t think it’s fair necessarily to put them in the ‘doomed to fail’ category#wow okay I care about them as a pair more than I realised#tldr; give Matt & Ivy and their relationship dynamic the grace + complexity they deserve#mouse talks bapo#bare a pop opera#Ivy Robinson#Matt Lloyd#[as a side note - sometimes I think about queer Matt & transmasc Ivy & the interesting concept of their potential boyfriendism]
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I love learning ASL it’s so good. Makes me happy to learn it. I’m so glad my university has classes for it with professors actually steeped in Deaf culture.
#blue chatter#am I good at ASL? hahahahahahaha. no.#ASL and English grammar are incredibly different and even when I remember my vocab I am easily clockable as hearing#but I do have some language capacity now. enough to communicate the basics.#and I just. genuinely really enjoy it. it’s fun to learn and engaging in a way most of my classes just aren’t.#and I can. yanno. communicate respectfully w Deaf ppl. and learn about their culture#which is incredibly important given that I want to go into a field where there is a higher incidence than typical of Deaf people#autistic? you’re more likely to be Deaf!#not to mention the fact that sign language can sometimes be a useful alternative to speech for nonspeaking/nonverbal people#depending on the person obvi; some nonspeaking/nonverbal autistics cannot use sign language and that’s okay#but surely at some point I will encounter either a Deaf client or a nonspeaking/nonverbal client who uses ASL#and when that time comes I should have some idea of how to communicate with them#I also rly like the Deaf church by my parents’ house#their community is really welcoming and their services are really interesting#I think it’s rly cool how they take intentions directly from the congregation#they’ll raise their hands and then sign what their intention is from their pew to the ambo#which is rly neat#it is funny bc every time I go the Deaf ppl I talk to will tell each other ‘go slow she’s hearing’#which is ENTIRELY fair bc. I am hearing. and I do need them to go slower.#but it also makes me laugh bc truly everyone knows within a few minutes.#oh hey the new person? they’re hearing. yeah they’re learning ASL at college. sign slowly for her.#which again makes sense bc a big Deaf culture thing is keeping ppl informed. it’s not gossip it’s getting everyone on the same page.#Deaf ppl do NOT beat around the bush that is like the height of rudeness to them. u say what u mean goshdangit. do not waste their time.#which I appreciate the heck out of bc i don’t have to try and phrase things delicately or w/e#it was also funny bc my mom came w me while I was home for Christmas and they asked her if I was her kid#and she said yes. and the lady running the kid’s craft corner thing was like ‘great you’re doing a craft now’#and I’m sitting there. visibly over 18 years old. amongst several seven year olds. trying desperately to figure out how to say hot glue gun#I made a v pretty pinecone tree it was a lot of fun ^-^
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teruthecreator · 9 months
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trying so hard to be normal but i really don’t think i could survive going to the psych ward and i’m rlly like. bothered my siblings are pushing it so hard
#in neg city#they were rlly like ‘we can’t force you’ but then just kept fucking talking about it#even as i’m crying and saying no no i don’t want to go i’m not going i really don’t want to#and like. idk. when ur sister gets sent to the psych ward at a pivotal point in ur childhood#and that subsequent action adds onto the trauma u were already experiencing at that point like idk man! maybe going to the psych ward would#in fact be very very bad!!!#like any time i think abt the psych ward i think abt my sister one day just disappearing from the house. i think about when the doctors#withheld my letters and i thought my sister either hated me or was fucking dead. i think about having to hide all this agony behind polite#smiles while i was also being bullied mercilessly at school and my CHOIR TEACHER WAS DYING OF CANCER#i think abt the car ride when my aunt told me and my brother that she had to go back in#i think of empty houses and missing places at the dinner table and arguments and so many fucking arguments#i cant go into the psych ward i won’t. and it just felt like that’s all they wanted me to do#and then it became well michelle how do u want us to help u? LEAVE ME ALONE#THATS HOW U HELP. YOU LEAVE ME ALONE AND LET ME FIGURE IT OUT#i get rlly overwhelmed and stressed when too many people are trying to butt their heads in#and i know they mean well but it just feels like they’re both gonna become mom and i’m not talking to mom for THIS EXACT REASON#idk i just don’t think they can help. i get that they’re rlly worried but i can’t let them help i don’t know what they could do#and they wanna talk about this again tomorrow so now i don’t wanna sleep bc i don’t want tomorrow to happen#but i don’t have anything to do bc i’m in such a terrible mood#i rlly wish i wasn’t alive sometimes#clearly i’m putting too much stress on my siblings and mom is probably worried sick but i’ll never kno bc we aren’t talking#i’m just ruining everyone’s life i rlly shouldn’t be on this planet anymore
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genshin-obsessed · 1 year
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When Someone Flirts with You! | Honkai Star Rail
Someone saw this coming and I'm very proud of you for figuring it out. Yeah, I've been getting into star rail and I thought I'd just write since I can't really think of genshin things to write right now lol this is barely edited, so have mercy <3 idk tags rn so please help me out :') ✧ Includes: Dan Heng, Welt, Sampo, Gepard, Jing Yuan, Luocha, Blade ✧ Extra: Luocha and Blade might be ooc, I'm not too familiar with them as of right now. ✧ Come one, come all! See what happens when someone flirts with you in front of your men!
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Dan Heng
Dan Heng is a really private person, he’s not a fan of showing off everything. So he’s not one to flaunt you around, but it’s not hard to tell you’re both in a relationship. He’s around you like… all the time.
He’s not one to follow around like a helicopter boyfriend, but he’s got an eye on you. If he sees someone bothering you, he’s behind them in an instant.
0/10. Dan Heng’s not super scary so they could ignore him and continue flirting with you. For a moment, he’ll just stand there as he listens to some of the dumb things they’re gonna say. You two make fun of them later for it. But then he hears something along the lines of, “come on, i’ll treat you better.” he don’t like that. 
How is this creep better than him?! They couldn’t even tell you were uncomfortable. Dan Heng will usually place a hand on their shoulder and his grip gets tighter every second the creep is still in front of you. Paired with his glare…
10/10 the creep is gone. You sigh in relief and walk to Dan Heng quietly, wrapping your arms around his waist. He immediately hugs back, stroking your hair a little.
“Let’s go somewhere else. I don’t like it here anymore.” You agreed.
Welt
Well, he doesn’t hang around you 24/7, he’s a busy man. But it’s also not hard to tell you’re dating either. Welt isn’t crazy about PDA, but he’ll give you a quick kiss every now and then and often gives you hugs (per your request).
He believes you’re capable of taking care of yourself, so he’s often not paying attention. That doesn’t mean he won’t look over at you every now and then. This time, he just happened to see some creepy creep trying to creep up on you. 
“Are you ok, (y/n)?” Is the first thing he asks when he walks up to you. He will literally ignore the existence of the creep beside him. Usually what happens here is that you’ll nod and he’ll “accidentally” shove the creepy away and urge you to come talk with him and his friends. The creep is usually so confused they walk away. But sometimes- sometimes- they follow.
Welt does NOT like that. I mean it was one thing to not take the hint from your face, but then to stop you when you’re actively trying to leave?
Welt will turn around and just glare at them. Like that silent, “I will kill you” kinda glare. It’s a staring contest for a moment before the creepy creep just kinda turns away and leaves. Sometimes, Welt does have to smack them with his lil cane. Sometimes.
“Anyway, we’re over here. Would you like a drink?”
Sampo
Sampo is all over you, usually. He loves you and the world should know? Sometimes, he can go too far so just let him know. Anyway, since he’s always over you, people know you’re dating him.
Usually at parties and events, he’s hanging off your arm, but sometimes he’s gotta go talk to some of his other friends and acquaintances. He keeps an eye on you.
Here’s the thing, he’ll come up and flirt with you too but try to one up the creep. “You look fine, darling,” - the creep. “You look so beautiful, every star in the sky and the moons pale in comparison.” - Sampo.
0/10. Of course, the creep gets irritated and asks what the hell Sampo is doing. Sampo just gives him a condescending smile and says, “that’s my partner you’re talking to. I’m not gonna let you just creep up on them.” There’s… a glint in his eyes that’s unnerving. Even you can see it.
69/10. The creep runs off, making some excuse or whatever. Sampo watches them for a minute before turning to you and smiling. You rush to give him a hug and he happily returns it.
“Wanna go home? Seems like that idiot trashed your mood a little.”
Gepard
Gepard is a very shy guy and he’s not one to be all touchy-touchy without you doing it first. He gets all flustered and looks away… but he’ll lean into your touch.
He usually sticks around you, keeping your attention so no creepies come by, but sometimes he gets pulled away. He always lets you know he’ll be right back and leaves for just a few moments. Enough for a creepy to sneak in >:0
When Gepard notices the creep, he wastes no time walking over to you. “Is everything ok?” He asked, looking at you. If you shook your head, that was it. The captain of the silvermane’s came out!
The first glare is usually a 50/50. Sometimes, the creeps acted all annoyed and walk away, pretending they’re not scared but other times… they challenge him. Gepard just places a hand on their shoulder and shoves them back. It’s actually surprisingly strong- they’ll fall over sometimes.
10/10, that usually sends them running. On rare occasions there’s that ONE creepy who just stands up and tries to take him on lmao. You know to take a step back because Gepard kinda skips the arresting and just goes to ass kicking. And he’s the shy boyfriend.
“So… we should go now. Yeah, no, just leave the creep there.”
Jing Yuan
Jing Yuan isn't the most affectionate boyfriend, but he doesn’t mind letting people know you two are together. Depends on your comfort level.
He’s a busy man, so at that fancy event, he can’t always be at your side but he tries to keep you by him. Of course, you decided to go get a drink, he happily agreed. You went off and he kept greeting more officials. You didn’t return, so he looked over and he just saw you turning away from a creep who just grabbed your arm!
Jing Yuan elegantly excuses himself and basically sneaks up behind the guy. He’ll stand there which brings you tons of relief, enough to let the creep ramble and ramble and ramble. “I could take you out to dinner, (nickname you don’t like). I’ll buy you (food you don’t like).” “Actually, they don’t like that. And they don’t like being called that.” The creep jumps away and is standing beside you at that point.
5/10, honestly, some just get scared and leave. There’s the other half though that just kinda scoff and look at you. Before they can even say anything, Jing Yuan grabs them by the shirt and force them to look at him. “Do not speak to them like that. Do not look at them, and don’t even think about them. You leave now or I’ll drag you out myself.”
10/10!!!!!!!!! They are GONE. No sign of them for MILES. Jing Yuan huffs and looks down at you. At this point, everyone’s looking at you two, making you extremely uncomfortable. He’ll stand beside you and pull you close, using that half of his jacket thing to cover you.
“We can leave. I’ll deal with everything else later. Come on.”
Luocha
This man is unpredictable. Sometimes, he’s grabbing your hand to prove your dating, others are just a straight kiss. You don’t mind. Either way, the world knows you two are together.
Luocha doesn’t mind leaving you alone, he’s got confidence in himself and you. That doesn’t mean he’s not there as your backup. Creeps creep on a daily- he’s gotchu. He sees the creep and he’s already walking toward you.
“No!” You exclaimed with a frown, “I'm not interested. Leave me alone.” Luocha didn’t mind scaring the creep off… but it was when they grabbed you that kinda set him off. “Hey.” Is all he says as he grabs their wrist to shove their hand away. 3/10. SOMETIMES people do get scared off by his demeanor. But there’s always that one. Our favorite.
For those guys, he’ll just get physical. There’s just this switch that goes off when it comes to you. 10/10. They’re either gone or out like a light.
“Come, we should go somewhere else.”
Blade
Lol. First of all, people know you’re dating this dude because you’re still alive while hanging off his arm. He’s not affectionate in public other than some sweet words. “You look nice today.” “I think you did well.” Things like that.
Blade can… be a helicopter boyfriend because he just has a 6th sense for creepies. You can be doing your own thing and he’s just standing there. Menacingly. There are days where he’s away from you, but he keeps a sharp eye on you. Then he notices the creep.
“Go away.” You say with a huff as you turn away. “Stop!” You yell, trying to pull your hand away. Suddenly, the creep is silent and frozen. You probably know exactly what happened.
You feel your arm come loose and look behind you to see Blade pointing… well his blade at the creep. He doesn’t say anything and the creep can’t help but just feel the icy fear in their veins. 10/10, Blade doesn’t fail.
“Thank you.” You say with a sigh as you run and hug his arm, looking up at him. Blade sighs and looks down at you, feeling that relief in his chest knowing that you’re fine and right beside him where you should be.
“It’s because you look cute today. Let’s go somewhere else.”
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clockwayswrites · 7 months
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Danny & Constantine, Orange, Butterscotch Ripple
@imbreonix Prompt fill set #4
It started out as a joke that turned into an actual event: Bring Your Sidekick To Work Day. It sounded absurd, of course it did. The Justice League was hardly work and certainly not a social club, but once it had been said people started to actually think about it. More and more of the heroes were taking on mentorship rolls for the next generation. While the heroes, of course, tried their best to provide what their mentees needed, they were still grown, experienced heroes and their sidekicks were kids.
Kids who lived a life that most could never understand.
Eventually it have been talked about enough in passing and over rushed meals and before meetings that it ended up on the agenda.
“Robin believes it would be beneficial for the younger heroes to know others in the same positions as themselves,” Batman had explained, as if that answered anything. The Big Bat wouldn’t even clarify who Robin was.
But there they were, Bring Your Sidekick To Work Day. It actually was a pretty nice event with snacks, drinks, and several enthusiastic sidekicks. It turned out Robin was Batman’s sidekick.
“Partner,” Robin insisted boldly, whenever the term sidekick was used within his hear range (which was disturbingly good).
The kid was the very opposite of Batman: bright, personable, and always in motion. Flash was more than a little concerned how quickly Robin and Kid Flash seemed hit it off. “They’re plotting something.”
“Hn,” was Batman’s reply, though he was watching the two whispering sidekicks too.
All in all it was a cheerful success.
It made John’s skin crawl. He jiggled the unlit cigarette in his fingers. He didn’t do social events, not outside of bars, and he really, really didn’t want to be here.
“We can just go back to the House,” a small, nervous voice suggested hopefully from behind John.
That was the thing, though, he wasn’t here for his own sake.
“No, we can’t,” John said with a sigh.
“We really can, though. We haven’t even talked to anyone. I bet they haven’t even noticed we’re here—”
“John! I did not think you would be attending,” Wonder Woman said as she approached, a smile in place. A good chunk of the founding members trailed after her.
“Fuck.”
“Yeah, well,” John said with a little shrug. He didn’t admonish the kid for cussing, he didn’t have a leg to stand on there, but by Superman’s puzzled face the Big Blue had clearly heard it. “Figured I had better bring the kid.”
“The kid?” Hal repeated incredulously.
John reminded himself he really shouldn’t punch his teammates.
“Yeah, the kid,” John said. He stepped aside to reveal Danny who had been hiding behind him. “Geist, Justice League, Justice League, Poltergeist.”
“Um, who, Constantine?” Flash asked, sounding nervous.
John looked to his right, which for all appearances, was an empty spot of air. “Seriously, kid?”
“Sorry,” Danny whispered.
“It’s okay, kid,” John said, holding back a sigh. The kid was sensitive to that sort of thing, so John had been trying. (He still messed up plenty, but he was trying.) John looked back the Justice Leaguers and shrugged. “Ghost. Visibility is like that sometimes.”
“Ah,” Diana said with a sage nod. John admired the woman for how nothing seemed to phase her. She simply looked to where John had been looking and smiled. “Hello, Poltergeist. Welcome to Bring Your Sidekick To Work Day.”
“Partner!” a kid dressed like a damn traffic light called from across the room where he was talking to who was clearly a mini Flash.
“Oh,” Danny said. (It was clearly weirding out some of the heroes to hear Danny but not see him.) “I’m not… John doesn’t let me help that much? I don’t know if I count as a sidekick.”
“That’s because last time you tagged along you went intangible and fell through a bridge, kid,” John grumbled and then immediately felt bad. “You know we’re working on it.”
“Yeah,” Danny mumbled.
John couldn’t see Danny, not any more than the others, but he could picture the way the kid would be scuffing his toe on the floor, head down as he rubbed at the back of his neck.
John sighed. “Ain’t your fault kid, powers take time to master.”
“Robin,” Batman called.
Immediately the tiny traffic light was literately bounding across the space to stand next to Batman. The kid smiled up at the Big Bat like the man had hung the moon.
“Yes, B?”
“This,” Batman said, nodding to the empty space, “is Poltergeist. He came with Constantine.”
“Oh,” Robin said. He spun to face the spot of air and held out his hand without hesitation. “Come, Kid Flash and I are— um,” Robin shot Batman a look, “talking. You can join us! I bet you will be really useful!”
Flash mouthed the word ‘useful’ with a terrified look on his face, but no one actually said anything while Robin just stood there, smiling, with his hand out. And then Robin’s grin impossibly widened, his hand closed around nothing, and he took off across the room.
“…anyone else worried about that?” John asked after a moment.
“So worried,” Flash said.
“Hn,” Batman added.
“Right then. I need a glass of shitty punch to spike,” John said and abandoned his teammates to find the refreshments. Thank the gods, the fuckers, for hip flasks.
-
“I live with a ghost now, Bats, you’ve got to up your skills if you want to sneak up on me anymore,” John said before taking another sip of his much improved punch.
Batman stepped up into the corner of John’s vision, which felt like such a Bat thing to do, so John felt the placement was very purposeful. John wouldn’t complain, it let him watch Batman without taking his his eyes off where Danny was sitting with Robin, Kid Flash, and Wonder Girl. Danny was pretty see through, but he was slowly becoming more visible the longer he spent in the company of the other teen heroes.
“How long have you had him?” Batman asked.
John snorted. “That’s what you go with? Not how it works to fuck a ghost?”
Hal and Aquaman weren’t as quiet as they thought they were, but maybe that was on purpose. Maybe they had wanted John to hear. He just hoped the kids hadn’t. He might not have a clean mouth, but even he had limits.
“He doesn’t have to be your blood to be your son,” Batman said in that certain way of his.
It had John finally glancing over at Batman. It was a lot to admit and John hated to be on uneven grounds. “How long have you had yours?”
No one would ever believe him, but John could swear that Batman almost smiled.
“Nearly five years.”
John hummed and took another sip of the punch. “Only six months, not even. And he’s not my son. Kid deserves better than me as a da.”
“They always deserve better,” Batman said, his voice a low rumble that John swore he could feel in his battered bones. “We just have to try to be better.”
“Yeah, well,” John said with a bitter chuckle. “I’m not you, Bats, I don’t think I have better in me.”
“Yes you do, you’re here, after all,” Batman pointed out.
John swallowed and looked back the kid, his kid. Danny was almost solid now. His white hair floated as he threw back his head in laughter at something Robin had said.
“Yeah… yeah I am.”
---
AN: So. So. This has gotten away from me. I blame Moku. So much blame. I can't promise I'll continue it but there is... there is a good bit of plotting TO continue it. It would be after I get done with City Pigeons Bleed Green though, as that's my current family feels fic.
If it gets continued we have a John/Bruce tired dads with issues slow burn fuck buddies to lovers, Danny and Dick being friends (and family), canon divergence, Tim joins the Bat family early, Bats with magic (and the world should fear them), and Alfred's judgemental eyebrow.
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daycourtofficial · 8 months
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The Shadows Want You to be Happy
Summary: Azriel’s shadows overhear a conversation where you doubt Azriel’s true intentions, and they urge him to rectify the situation.
Author’s note: this is just pure fluff baby! Pure unadulterated fluff. Go to the dentist! Also I didn’t proofread this, so enjoy at your own caution!
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His shadows didn’t mean to spy on you, they promise. They just liked keeping an eye on you at all times.
Azriel had no idea why his shadows seemed to adore you so much - well, he could understand it, because he adored you just as much as his shadows did. But he can’t figure out why - they don’t like being around Elain, but most of the others the shadows just watch.
Not you, though. Whenever you two are in the same room his shadows roam over you, greeting an old friend. If he’s been away for a days on a mission, they spend several minutes swirling around you, seemingly doting on you, like they’re asking “are you okay? Did you eat while we were gone? Did you sleep?”
A few shadows have taken it upon themselves to stay stationed with you at all times. He thinks they have a schedule, out of jealousy and need to share their time with you, but they don’t really tell him too much about what they see. The most they’ll tell him is if you haven’t eaten in a while or that time they told him about you having a cold and not wanting anyone to find out. He spent three days in your apartment with you, feeding you soup and taking care of you.
His shadows absolutely do not tell him the things you say or how you’re feeling, or so he thought. Both of the shadows that were asking as your bodyguards came to him, like little kids with a story to tell.
-
You were laying on the couch in the library with Feyre, engrossed in your independent books. The two of you do this weekly, enjoying each other’s presence without much social obligation. Sometimes the two of you will talk, but it’s often followed by long, comfortable silences. Just when you thought the silence was going to stay for a while, Feyre spoke up.
“so, sweetie, how are things with you and Azriel?” She asks, closing her book to turn to you.
Your cheeks heat immediately. “Um,” you say, closing your book to turn to her, knowing that she won’t relent until she gets what she wants out of this conversation.
You had kept your feelings for him mostly to yourself, except one drunken night a few weeks ago you had told Feyre about how pretty he was. You thought she might have forgotten about it, but this conversation is telling you she wants more. Thank the mother it wasn’t Rhys or Cas you had told that to - they would have mocked your word choice of “devastatingly pretty” for years.
“Well, we have plans to go out tonight,” you reply, very nervous about opening up to Feyre. She looked at you, her face asking for you to continue. “We’re trying all of the bakeries in Velaris to see who has the best pastries and hot chocolate, so once a week we try a new one and gorge ourselves on baked goods and chocolate.”
Feyre smiled at how absolutely adorable that was. “Are these… dates?” she asks, smiling at how absolutely oblivious the two of you were.
“We call them dates,” you reply.
“Do you two do anything physical? You don’t have to be gratuitous with details, I’m not Mor.” Feyre says, shuddering thinking of Mor grilling you for details on if the two of you have had sex yet.
“Um well the bakeries are usually cozy so we usually are tucked away in a corner, pressed up together. In one of them we had to wait for a table, so he just wrapped his wings around me while we waited.” You told her, grinning at the memory of his body heat.
“Do you two ever kiss?”
You sink a little further into the couch, your cheeks blazing with heat now, your hands covering your face as you say, “yes”.
“Has there been more than kissing?”
Feyre watches the head hiding behind youe hands nod ever so slightly and squeals. She actually squeals.
The people of Velaris love to gossip with her, and when she heard rumors of two of her friends being spotted around town looking very coupley, she decided to investigate. It also doesn’t help that the Inner Circle has a betting pool on when you ans Azriel will get together. Her bet was this week, so she’s doing what she can to win. And because she wants the two of you to be happy. And because Cassian bet that you two would be together next week, and she can’t lose to him, his gloating is atrocious.
“So, you two are together?” She asks, practically bouncing in her seat.
“I’m not sure,” you say, “honestly I’m a little worried that this means more to me than it does to him.” You look down at your hands, “I don’t really do casual dating, and I’m a little worried that this is just a fling to him. It’s really incredible and hot and sweet and all but.” You look around to see if anyone is listening before you whisper, “honestly, it would break my heart if this was just casual for him.”
Feyre was shocked at how sad you looked at the idea of being something casual to Az. She knew the two of you were head over heels for each other, they all knew that, but you looked devastated.
“Sweetie,” she says, trying her best to console you, “there is no way that that male views you or anything to do with you as ‘casual’.“
“Are you sure?” You ask, hesitation lacing your every word.
“Absolutely. He lights up whenever you’re around and I’ve never seen him miss a function you’re at.”
You thank your friend for the reassurances and settle back into your respective books. You knew that Azriel’s shadows often followed you around, even without him being anywhere nearby. He once told you that they find you adorable. However, you didn’t realize that the two who were stationed with you left very quickly after your discussion with Feyre.
-
The shadows relayed the whole story to him, in part because they, like the inner circle, want the two of you together. But also because they understand that you were upset and Azriel could fix it.
Azriel was more shocked at the insistence from them to make you less upset - usually they are just uninvolved observers, simply passing along information to him, allowing him to draw his own conclusions. The way those shadows spoke to him you’d think that they were in charge of him.
He met you outside of your apartment later that night, dressed in an all black casual outfit. “Ready?” He asks, extending his arm out for you to take. You lock the door behind him, straightening your coat before taking his arm.
The two of you start these dates off by walking through Velaris. Winter has just begun and there’s a light falling of snow covering the two of you.
“What’d you get up to today? I haven’t seen you since breakfast,” he asks you, not-so-subtly reminding you that you were, in fact, his breakfast, before he left your apartment this morning.
“I spent most of the day in the library with Feyre, reading a few books, doing some research. I had to get out of there, the words were all starting to blend together,” you reply, nuzzling into his arm to retain some of his heat, despite his jacket covering his arms.
“Mm, well then I guess you could consider me you’re handsome knight, off to whisk you away for an evening of delicacies in your time of need,” he retorts.
You chuckle and begin to speak, not stopping yourself before blurting, “why are you only like this with me? Don’t get me wrong, I love this side of you, but you only show it to me. Why’s that?”
Azriel stops your walk to stand in front of you, “ignoring your recent declaration of love,” you huff, “I just.. feel different around you.”
The look he’s giving you makes your knees go weak. He’s looking into your eyes with deep, raw honesty, like he wants you to see inside his soul.
“I love my family, despite their best efforts to annoy me into murdering them,” he says. You giggle. “But you’re.. different. The way I feel about you is different. I thought I loved Mor, but I didn’t. I loved the idea of saving her, of being her knight.” He sighs, unbelieving that he’s spilling all of this to you out in public. Luckily the other pedestrians just ignore the two of you, out of kindness or fear of him, he’s not sure. He pulls you into a quiet little alley, in the hopes to retain some privacy.
“It was stupid, but I thought I could save the girl and we’d live happily ever after. Then I met you. When I was a kid, I always wanted someone to come rescue me, and I thought that that was how you fall in love. But it’s not. I didn’t need to save you to love you. After this big revelation about myself, I took some time to really think about what I want. It’s why a few weeks back everyone thought I went to check on the war camps. Well, I did check on them, but I spent most of the time thinking. And I want you, no rescuing required. Though if you’d have me, I’d rescue you from anything. A bad day, my annoying family, the flu, anything. I’m not sure how clear my intentions have been, I figured showing you off around Velaris was enough, but I guess not.”
He paused, a mixture of nerves and intense determination radiating off of him.
“I haven’t thought about another person since I met you. I haven’t even considered looking at anyone else. Rhys has started calling me a puppy, because I follow you around everywhere, and I don’t care. I’ve never been so public with anyone, not giving a damn who sees or what they think, because I want them to know that you’re with me. I want everything you’ll give me.”
You’re stunned. It’s so quiet, you can hear the snow falling. It’s as if the world has gone silent to hear what you’ll say.
“Anything I’ll give you?” You say, a smirk crossing your face, wanting to draw out his confession a bit more.
“Anything.”
“Even if I snore?” You ask.
He laughs, “you don’t snore. You’re actually quite adorable when you’re asleep, hate to break it to you.”
“Hmm,” you say, stroking your finger on your chin, looking quizzical. “Guess you’ll just have to get used to my adorable sleeping, because if you’re accepting it, I’m giving you everything.”
He leans down, capturing your laugh with his lips, his shadows dancing around the two of you in excitement.
He pulls away after several minutes, laughing at the groan coming from your lips, “did you know that the idiots have a bet about us?”
He begins again after seeing your confused face, “If we’re together this week, Feyre wins the betting pool. Next week is Cassian.”
“Oh!” You exclaim, “that’s why she wanted us to be together so badly! Hm, maybe we should let Feyre win, because Cassian would be-
“Unbearable.” You both say in unison.
“When should we tell them? And how?” You ask.
“Not tonight. Maybe tomorrow we can just have sex on the dining room table, that’ll send the message loud and clear.” He says, raising his eyebrows suggestively.
You swat his arm, “no, we’re better than Cassian and Nesta. Maybe we should have a banner made. It’ll say “we had sex!” And point down to us.”
He chuckles, grabbing your arm again and steering you towards the bakery, as the two of you contemplate how to tell your family the news that will make them all so incredibly happy.
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nvuy · 1 month
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Boothill is a “your pleasure is my pleasure” kind of guy do u agree 🎤
mdni. im snatching the mic. i got carried away ty anon for giving me an excuse to ramble about this loser.
he takes pleasing you very seriously. this is serious business. it’s like his day job.
he’s half-convinced he was given a second life just to cross paths with you, so once he’s got you, he’s not letting you go. not for a while, at least. he’s stuck to your hip like glue. wherever you go, he’s most likely right next to you.
he’s always making sure you’re catered to first.
it’s the same in bed.
he’s extremely touch starved, so while he’s got his hand between your legs, he’s also busied himself nuzzling his cheek to yours to feel you helplessly panting against his skin. or, his ear is resting against your heart. whatever works for him in the moment.
he’s absolutely smitten with how warm you get. he’s always, always, pressing himself against you one way or another. just touch all over his face, please and thank you.
he’s all for kisses too. sometimes, when he’s having a bit too much fun, he’ll get all mushy and gross. not that he already isn’t, but it somehow gets worse.
he’ll bite too. not enough to make you bleed, but enough to leave an angry mark for the next few days.
actually, he just nips you all the time. it’s a weird thing he does. don’t point fingers in his face. he’ll try eating them. he’s very strange in that way. sometimes you can be gesturing at nothing while you talk, and if your fingers get too close to his face, he’s trying to nip at them like a teething puppy. you got used to it.
great tongue too. bonus points because it’s actually real. he works his magic with it, but only after you beg enough. you gotta work to get your hands on the merchandise. his mechanics are expensive, so play nice.
if we’re getting into unserious business, the robocock is great fun. it’s got smooth ridges and it’s cold. probably customisable, too. it’s definitely possible, but whether he’s gonna wander up to some poor mechanic and ask them to add some special features… well.
either way, your pleasure is always his priority. his hobbies consist of biting every single exposed expanse of your skin and exploring new ways to make you squirm.
it’s bad enough you having to deal with this lump of steel and scrap—frankly, he doesn’t even understand what’s so appealing about it—but if you enjoy bouncing on his lap, go ahead. do it all night for all he cares. as long as you have that pretty dizzy smile on your face by the end of it all. it makes him melt into a puddle of liquid metal knowing how good he makes you feel.
he’s also VERY susceptible to puppy eyes. they’re your greatest asset, and his biggest weakness.
you figured that out after you pleaded with him to put on these clothes you bought him (and, yep. these clothes have just as many cut outs as his usual attire). you can also use them if you want to do his hair. please convince him to wear it in a high ponytail more. he has such a nice face, and it also stops his neck from overheating. those poor fans need a vacation.
it takes some convincing, especially when you show him the hair tie is actually a red sparkly ribbon. you’re going to ruin his tough guy persona. but he’ll drop anything for you, so he’ll comply. on the condition that you give him smooches afterwards. it’s also an excuse for him to indulge in how your fingers feel against his scalp.
puppy eyes, crying, begging, whatever, usually get people he’s apprehended nowhere. he doesn’t care for theatrics. not at all. a criminal is a criminal at the end of the day.
but you? aww, how can he say no to your angel eyes? wanna fuck his face? you didn’t even have to ask! just watch the teeth. and feel free to pull his hair. wanna ride him until he short circuits? sure! if you can keep up. he’s all yours.
and when you’re done, his aftercare consists of coddling and pinching your cheeks. he’ll prattle on about nothing. the subject will change to gushing over how pretty you look in his bed, to the weather tomorrow, to how he misses the taste of spaghetti. he’ll even kiss all over the marks he’s left on you. probably kicks his feet too.
he’s still so energetic it’s mind-baffling. he’s so casual about it too, acting as if he didn’t beg for you to cum on his face just ten minutes ago.
but that’s robot stamina for you. or maybe it’s just a boothill thing. who knows?
after a while he’ll calm down. i still haven't decided if he can sleep, but once you’ve fallen asleep, he’ll lay next to you and draw patterns on the nape of your neck with his fingers.
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hecateslore · 3 months
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💌
supervisor!simon
this one's a little hefty.
When you get home you throw your bag on the couch and let out a sigh. Your phone rings in your pocket, pull it out quickly answering it noticing the companies number, “Simon I swear to god-” 
“It’s not Simon.” Johnny’s voice was heard through the, “Johnny!” your eyes widen, you wipe the snot from under your nose. “Are you okay?” his voice thick with concern, you could almost see his thick brows furrowing as he spoke. “Yeah, I’m good.” You say, nose stuffy.  “Didn’t look too good when you left.” he chuckles. 
“I uh, I quit.” you purse your lips awaiting his response. “Oh.” you shut your eyes tightly at his response, “ What are you gonna do about work?” smacking yourself on the forehead, what are you going to do? You didn’t think you were gonna quit this early, with no response from your bestie's manager, anxiety started to build. “That’s a wonderful question.”  you let out a nervous laugh. “Also, how’d you get my number?” you stand with your hand on your hip, phone held between your cheek and shoulder, “Linda.” You felt like you just pushed your firstborn in front of a bus, leaving the beauty that she is. 
“Oh, Linda.” You feel the tears well in your eyes. God Simon was such an ass, to You, to Victor, to the old hires. “I’ll text you later, I gotta go.” Johnny says in a quick hushed tone. You hear the phone click and you wipe your eyes. You sit on the couch trying to figure out what your next move is. 
You're one step ahead, done with the emotional taxing job. Now you need to find a job, you remember the hot pink flier that said “now hiring” in the supermarket. Only downside is that it doesn't pay much. But you need a job now. Only until you can find something with better pay. 
There’s that cafe around the corner, but not too many people go in there.That one furniture store that always says they’re going out of business. You groan and put your head in your hands. 
Simon walked past your empty desk wondering when would be a good time to reach out so you can gather your things, also so he could maybe apologize. Your knick-knacks sat on your desk, the pen where you left it. It was all Johnny's fault. He distracted you. Simon felt like you and him were getting somewhere. Like when you told him you weren’t going to quit (oh he’s delu). 
He had a chance to turn it all around, you were starting to get the hang of things. Not wearing your headphones, talking to him a little. Sometimes saying hi. He’d see Johnny making goo goo eyes at you. The way you two would joke around, and how you would slightly push his arm when he made an inappropriate joke. 
Simon’s eyes skimmed the office, Johnny sat at his desk ducking behind his screen on the phone. Simon wasn’t dumb, Simon’s observant. Narrowing his eyes he could hear Johnny’s voice speaking lowly, light chuckles and he swears he can almost hear you on the other end. 
Feeling like he wants to run over to his desk, Simon walks quietly to Johnny's desk hoping to catch him on the phone. Pale blue eyes catch onto Simon and Johnny hangs up the phone quickly. “Who’s that?” Simon asks. “Just some customer.” Simon only nods, “What’d they want?” Simon quizzed. “Uh life insurance” Simon raises his eyebrows, “Why’d you hang up?” 
“They didn’t need it.” Johnny tried his best to sound convincing. “They didn’t need life insurance?” Simon could only smirk at his answer, “Why don’t  they need life insurance anymore?” Simon knew what he was doing, trying to get Johnny to confess. He used to do it all the time.
He’d try to break people down with the most simple questions, making them stumble over their words, back track. He’d make them really think. Simon knew it was you on the phone. He saw the way Johnny's eyes followed you out of the office. The way his body language changed after you left. “You know the people and the policies Si.” Johnny chuckled. 
“And you couldn’t find them a better plan?” He could see the gears turning in the poor guy’s head. “They didn’t want to hear it.” Johnny falters. “I’m sure.” He sighed. “I’ll let you get back to it then.” 
-
Tuesday Simon sat at his desk with his door wide open, watching Johnny answer phone calls, Seeing him twist the phone cord and chuckle. Sometimes ducking his head every time he needed to have a laugh. Johnny was smart, but not as smart as Simon. He knew what you two were up to. He knew every time you called. So he decided to catch Johnny in a little trap. 
Simon checked your work file, getting your number he dials it on the company phone. Your phone rings only once before you answer, “Johnny, you’re gonna get in trouble-” Simon almost wants to gag. “So you’re the one calling about life insurance?” Simon taunts. Dead silence is heard on your end, “Why’re you calling.” You sound mad and He notes your tone, it's bitter and spiteful. “Cause your stuff is here.” He smirks, kicking his feet up on his desk. 
-
On the other side of the phone you’re laying in bed on your computer filling out applications. “I'll pick it up on friday.” You roll your eyes, hoping he can hear it. “Why not today?” Simon’s voice deep on the phone. Which is very different from Johnny's. Johnny goofs around a lot, poking fun at people from your old job, laughing at the text messages you send. Johnny’s lighthearted. He’s cutesy, Simon’s not. Simon’s like that Itch you can’t scratch. That stray cat you feed, who won’t stay with you but wants your food. 
“I have stuff to do” You huff. “Like what?” His gravelly voice makes a weird feeling in your stomach. “Like, none of your business.” Simon only laughs at your response. “Why’d you call?” You grumble. “Because you need to pick up your stuff.” 
“That’s not happening today.” Simon only hums at your answer. “So it’s happening Friday?” You pull the phone away from your face to roll your eyes yet again, “Yes, Simon.” you answer annoyed. You both are silent for a moment, “You know you could come back whenever you want, right?” Simon confesses. “I’m not.” You say and hear Simon's deep breath on the other end. 
“Is that all?” Annoyance still in your voice. “That’s all.” (okay miranda priestly!!!!) Simon says and the phone clicks. You let out a deep sigh. You feel hot from the phone call (great simon, now my chussy’s wet!) His voice sounded so deep, like he’d been napping all day. That was the downside of quitting, no more eye candy. Simon was so handsome until he opened that mouth of his. He was so smooth sometimes. Like when there’d be something wrong with your computer and he’d hover over you to fix it. Just effortlessly handsome. He was so mean to you though. Maybe he didn’t mean it, maybe that’s who he was because of the military. Or maybe he was just that way because he just is.
Your phone rings again, the supermarket’s number on your screen. You’d been emailing the store's manager, going back and forth about a potential position for you. The best they could do was a cashier which you thanked whatever God that was out there. 
“When’s the earliest you can come in?” The lady on the other line asked, “Is Thursday okay?” you ask , “That’s the earliest for you?” the lady’s voice monotone. “Uh,y-yeah.” you stammer a bit. “Uniforms a black shirt and black pants come in at 7. I’ll have someone to train you.” You almost jump off your bed, a temporary job secured. Step two is now in motion. 
“Okay thank you!” You say cheesing extremely hard. Once you hear the other end click, you flop on your bed face first, squealing into your mattress. 
-
Wednesday, Simon walked into the office with a wide grin on his face. Saying hello and good morning to everyone. An evil plan to monitor the workplace, or in this instance, monitor Johnny. 
Standing with a mug full of black tea. He stood by Victor's desk where he had a full view of Johnny's screen and back. Johnny could feel Simon’s eyes but he chose to ignore him. Simon walked around the office slowly, pacing himself, waiting for your phone call. Simon sat at your desk, pretending he has interest in what Linda is saying, making ooh’s and Ah’s at some random story. He always wondered how you had so much patience with her nonsense, she just went on and on. His body language aligns with Linda but his ears listen for Johnny's hushed voice. 
That’s when the phone rings and Johnny’s eyes shoot at Simon, and from Simon’s peripheral he can see Johnny bring the phone to his ear slowly. Simon excuses himself from the conversation, remembering “he left his tea” by Victor's desk. Johnny shifts in his seat angling the phone away from Simon's vision.  
Simon picks up victors phone dialing “* # 55” and puts it to his ear hearing your boisterous laugh. “Johnny don’t say that!” you warn. Simon pays attention to Victor's screen. “What? I'm just joking.” He says casually, “ but I do think he’s obsessed with you.” he chuckles lowly. 
You let out another laugh, and all Simon could think is corny. “He’s probably listening as we speak.” Johnny ribbed. You giggle at His lousy joke, Simon only rolls his eyes, “Aren’t you two friends?” you say, “I mean, yeah. “ Johnny scratches the back of his neck. “Not as close as we used to be.” he shrugs, grabbing a notepad he draws random shapes. “When are you getting your stuff?” he asks, “Friday.” you answer, “Maybe we can grab lunch?” you suggest, “That’s what got us in trouble in the first place.” Johnny laughs. Simon puts the phone on the hook, not wanting to hear the rest of the conversation. 
Simon walks past Johnny, and he could hear him whispering he’s got to go and that he’ll let you know what time his lunch is on friday. Simon goes back to his office, he sits in his chair going through all of the forms Victor managed to fuck up while he listened to Johnny and yours conversation. 
-
Thursday arrives and you're sitting outside waiting for the supermarket to open, you can see your old office in the distance, all your old coworkers entering the building. “You’re the new hire?” A man with a name tag that says “kyle” on it asks you. “Yeah.” you say standing from the chairs on the store patio. “I’m kyle.” he shakes your hand. You introduce yourself and you both walk into the store. “Are you training me?” you question, “Oh no, that’s Ashley, she’s waiting for you in the break room, she wanted me to come get you.” He answers. “Oh cool,.” you follow him to the back of the store. “What do you do here? If you don’t mind me asking.” 
“I’m one of the butchers.” he smiles. “Oh.” you say smile fading a bit, “I just cut and trim the meat.” he chuckles. “Oh I thought-” 
“I know what you mean.” he says as he opens the break room door for you. “You’re set.” 
-
Down a couple of buildings, Simon stares at the vending machine, nothing looks appealing. Simon noticed all the Snapples left behind. He knew you liked those, you were the only one who’d buy them. He wonders what you’re up to. Simon kind of wants to call you and bother you about your stuff, just to hear your voice. He likes to frustrate you, and the way you groan every time he asks a dumb question on purpose. 
There was still thirty minutes til opening time, he could run down to the supermarket and grab something to eat, maybe another box of tea. Simon looks down at his watch, he’s the supervisor, he can manage to be a little late. 
So Simon put his coat on and walked out of the front door. A lonely walk to the supermarket, It was pretty quiet, not a lot of people out this early. Simon walked through the automatic doors, lo and behold there you stood behind the register, refreshing your memory. Simon saw you joking with the lady that was training you, making jokes about how slow you were moving and you both laughed at the way you opened the cash register slowly. Simon wanted to walk up and say something, but he took a glance at his watch and just pretended he didn’t see you. 
Simon walked up and down the aisle trying to find something that would please him, so he settled for two granola bars, a cup of yogurt, and a new box of black tea since he was running low.  
-
You finished ringing up the teenage girl who bought four packs of gum and tried to buy a pack of cigarettes. You see a familiar figure bending to the lowest shelf to grab something. You felt your eyes may be deceiving you, you kind of been paranoid hoping you wouldn’t run into any of your old coworkers. 
And maybe you had a sixth sense. Self check out wasn’t open and you were the only person on the registers. You could hurl. There he was standing with two granola bars, a yogurt cup all in one hand and the box of black tea in the other. Simon walked towards your register placing the items on the conveyor belt. The items move towards you slowly. You both watched the items closely.
“Well this is awkward.” 
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cdlum · 4 months
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I just wanted to say I think your art style is awesome! I was wondering if you had any tutorials on how you draw anatomy in your style (hips and legs especially)? Sorry if there's already one posted and I just didn't see it 🥲. Happy New Year :>
thanks for the kind words. i tend to draw people pretty stylized and then some so a good bit of artistic licence gets used. these tips are just what i use so feel free to take them with a grain of salt. with anatomy in particular you can kind of talk in circles because human/animal bodies are that complex so ill just zone in on the points you specified. here's a little image with a bunch of pointers:
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the above image condenses a lot of the points I'd make, but basically the key parts are to start with the bare essentials and build up that complexity. using a line of action is a good way to get a quick, rough start. you draw a line out in the general direction of the pose and do your best to adhere to it to give the pose a sense of flow.
you can also draw smaller, thumbnail versions that throw a lot of caution to the wind but capture the basic energy of what you're going for. even having a tiny little stick figure version of your idea can make for a good guideline of where to take it forward.
when it comes to actual limbs, you wanna consider how they integrate and work together, kind of like how chains do. you can see on some of the parts of pear i've drawn out these wireframes to kind of portray how the mass of her legs works in a three dimensional space. for aspects like the waist/hips, i use that X technique i highlight above a lot, particularly for the lower torso. a lot of the times, even when drawing a character totally naked, imagining them wearing things like skintight underwear can help a lot to guide you in the right direction.
its also a good idea to consider things like gravity and weight to a degree. humans are essentially big meat sacks and gravity is always pulling down on that, but theres all kinds of aspects that effect that, such as character build or clothing. pear technically isn't naked in this, but i've tried to imagine her as such and take that into account.
if you are drawing digitally, don't be afraid to take advantage of the convenience you get with that workflow. you can retry and iterate on things a lot faster that pen and paper, and do things that aren't really feasible at all when it comes to editing and modifying your existing work. things like resizing certain bodyparts, instantly flipping the canvas, or using selection tools to completely adjust the positions of parts of your drawing. to give you an example heres a timelapse with all the little edits i made just to this demo drawing:
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you don't have to use these techniques linearly, either. sometimes ill have a really solid idea for a piece in my head, and go back to basics with certain elements if they’re not coming out right or i just want to brush them up a bit more. some of the tutorial-y parts i added in i didn't actually use during the drawing but often do use so they're there just for demonstration. not every drawing i do starts as building blocks or a really basic version, often ill just start with a face and build it out from there.
i always encourage liberally using references (this can include yourself) and trying out stuff like life drawing or looking at things like existing photographs of real people/places/things if you can, the more you use learning material the better you'll draw up a mental inventory in your head that you can rely on more and more. some of these tips are things i've learned from other artists over the years (the chin one especially i remember seeing a tutorial about lol), so this is a lot of knowledge i've amassed from other sources over time myself. there are plenty of times ill use all sorts of reference material and its all in service of arriving at the final destination as smoothly as possible. learn by doing, as they say. hope this helps!
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theminecraftbee · 5 months
Text
Afterwards, they do a race. They don’t talk about it, but it’s there, between them still. Something settled between them. Cleo doesn’t know how to say it; they never know how to say things like this. Still, they need to, so they wait until Ren’s race is over and then hike through the jungle to go sit on top of Etho’s base and wait for him to show up as well.
He doesn’t. He’d gone to their base. Instead of just showing up for each other, they have to somewhat awkwardly coordinate over text which base to meet at. It forces everything to feel more real.
When they finally meet up, it’s in the shopping district, leaning against the button. A dangerous game in theory, but Cleo’s not fully convinced it can explode at this point, so.
Cleo breathes. They’re both quiet for a moment.
"Okay, so like, are we doing this?" Cleo says.
"I don’t really know, uh, what this is," Etho says, "but I… care about you. I think. So I think we’re doing that."
Cleo nods once. "You know I don’t fall in love, right? I’m not going to fall in love with you, I don’t do that. Might say something about loving you, but it’s not the same thing. Different sense of the word. It’s different, loving people and falling in love, got it? And I won’t do that second thing. I’m never going to do that second thing. I don’t--"
"Okay. I know," Etho says.
"Do you?" Cleo asks.
"I mean, not entirely, but I’m frankly surprised we’re having this conversation in the first place. I never expected you to be in love with me."
"But I’m not," Cleo says. "I’m attracted to you, and I love you as like, a companion and friend or whatever, but I’m not in love with you. I’m. Ugh. I wish I knew the right words. I just--I also don’t let go of things so if we’re doing this you’re going to have to get used to that real fast. Me not being in love with you but me not letting you go, both of those things."
"You're attracted to me? Aw, Cleo," Etho says.
"Don't be an ass," Cleo says.
"Sorry, sorry. It's just, geez, this is--a heavy conversation, huh?"
Cleo sighs. "We'll work on the deflection."
Etho rubs the back of his head and looks away. "Uh, in that case. If I'm maybe a little in love with you--"
"I can't--I can't reciprocate that, Etho," Cleo says, and their voice cracks as they do.
"I know," Etho says. "I just want to make sure it's okay, then."
"You can't help that, can you? Just like I can't help that I still sort of want to kill anyone who hurts you."
Etho seems to think about it for a while. Cleo resists the urge to fidget. She's a zombie. She shouldn't have the urge to fidget; she should be too dead for that. Besides, it's hardly like it's a secret she doesn't fall in love, exactly. It's just... it's only relevant sometimes. Feeling like, as she watches Etho and Bdubs dance around each other, she's on the outside looking in. She'd kill to hold their hands, to protect them, hell, even to kiss them--but that's different. She just can't summon the same emotion of... she doesn't know.
Martyn had almost gotten it, for all he didn't get anything else, in the end. Scott was never going to fall in love with her in the first place, for obvious reasons. Whatever attraction she and Pearl have going on, it's definitely not love.
But this...
"Okay," Etho says.
"That's it?" Cleo says.
"I mean, does it need to be anything else?" Etho says. "It's not like we can just... not do this. I think it's too late for that. Whatever 'this' is. I'm in love, and you aren't, but we'd both be pretty upset to lose this, right? So I'll... figure it out."
Cleo swallows. They feel small. "Will you? Do you understand?"
Etho shrugs. "I understand that it's you, and it's you that this happened with, not anyone else."
"Okay," Cleo says. "Okay."
"Is it okay if I kiss you? Just to try it, I mean. Not like, as a--this is a bad time, actually, I don't want to try to make any kissing we do romantic, I mean, you just told me this won't be romantic, I--"
"Yeah, sure, you can kiss me," Cleo says, and he leans in to kiss them. It's nice. A little soft for what they'd want, really, but nice. He leans back. He looks them in the eyes.
"I get it a little more now."
Cleo is baffled. "How? Kissing is just like, a thing we did? How does that have anything to do with any of the rest of this."
Etho laughs. "I definitely get it a little more now. What do you want to tell the others? I know they're definitely gossiping."
"Ugh. Can we just, like, not?" Cleo says. "I don't want to have to explain it."
"I'll just be confusing then, got it," Etho says, and Cleo can't help but laugh themselves.
"This is why you're my favorite," Cleo says, and they think maybe this will work out okay, after all.
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moonstruckme · 6 months
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Can we get a poly!marauders with a reader who has just lost their best friend(not dead, they’re just not friends because they’re friend started being a not nice person) and the reader starts to think its their fault/insecure reader :))) thanks
Thanks for requesting!
poly!marauders x fem!reader ♡ 540 words
There’s an odd thing that love does when it changes. It doesn’t go away, just sits exactly where it used to in the center of your chest, and sours. Curdles. 
The ache behind your ribs feels almost familiar, but the pain has lost its pleasantness and it’s just pain. You swallow against it, but it won’t go away, even as James rubs firm circles around the area of affliction on your back. 
“Don’t torture yourself,” Remus tells you softly, looking up at you from the floor beside where you sit on the bed. “You did the best thing.”
You nod like you believe him, but your voice is leaden with doubt. “It feels so weird to go from talking to someone every day to not talking to them at all.” 
James makes a sympathetic sound. “You said it yourself, sweetheart, they’re not the same person you wanted to talk to every day. You’re just looking out for yourself.” 
Looking out for yourself. It sounds selfish to your ears, though you know it shouldn’t. You’re used to looking out for the people you love, and now you’ve gone and left one of them behind. Your eyes flit almost unwillingly to one of the pictures taped to your wall. It’s too small to make out, but you know it well, one of the many of you and your best friend scattered about your home. What are you supposed to do with those now, throw them out? 
Sirius reads your mind (he’s scary good at that sometimes), the mattress shifting as he leans towards you. “Just because you’re not close anymore doesn’t mean you have to hate them, or forget that you were happy during some of the time you were close.” He gives you a rare sorrowful look, raw in its understanding. You feel closer to tears than you have since you’d made the decision. “I know it’s hard to move on, but it’ll be easier if you’re fair with yourself about it. You did the best you could. It’s not your job to figure their shit out for them.” 
You nod, a hot tear cresting your cheek. “You’re right,” you tell him, or maybe all of them. “I’m sorry for making such a big deal out of this.” 
“Hey,” James chides, palm pressing harder into your back like he can push the hurt right out of you. “Don’t be. It’s a big deal to you, yeah?”
You nod again, wiping your face with the heel of your hand before another tear can make it very far. 
“Then it is a big deal,” he says. Remus hums his agreement, looking at you with sad, worried eyes. “It’s okay to be sad for a while. Just so long as you’re not blaming yourself, alright?” 
You swallow, leaning your head on his shoulder as thanks. “None of you guys can ever change like that, okay?” You’re aiming for lightness, but the effect is diminished by the croakiness of your voice. “I’ll have a very hard time ditching you, self-preservation or no.” 
Sirius makes a derisive sound, playing along as he bumps your shoulder with his. “Yeah,” he scoffs, “good fucking luck with that one. Try to shake me, and I’ll latch onto your ankles.”
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breathlesswinds · 1 month
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(Devlog) What We Learned Making A Trans Dating Game
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Hello, Amelia here, the writer for Breathless Winds. It's been 250,000+ words, countless revisions, and three years since this game entered development, and I wanted to talk about what I've learned leading up to release.
The concept for Breathless Winds was actually sort of a joke between friends. I was talking with Doris about how there should be a dating game where you play as a trans woman and your dating options revolve around certain ‘tropes’ we’d both seen in trans fiction-- the totally accepting cishet guy who falls in love with the trans heroine before she even knows she’s a woman, the cool trans woman who the heroine doesn’t know if she wants to date or wants to be, and so on.
Doris wound up suggesting we make this game ourselves. We both like visual novels and want to tell LGBT stories. Still half-jokingly and half-seriously, we started fleshing out what the romance options would be and coming up with a setting-- and soon, we were fully committed to making this game real.
I was a fan of visual novels but had only ever written prose. I knew which visual novels I liked and which scenes stood out, but I didn’t know why they did or how to make my own. 
I read some great advice from visual novel developers, but a good amount of my knowledge came from just working on Breathless Winds. As our first project, this game has grown a lot with us and we’ve learned a lot while making it.
Learning How to Write Visual Novels
A bad habit I had to break out of was only using the ‘novel’ part of the game and not the ‘visual’ part. I would sometimes write “He smiled” or lines like that, and Doris informed me that we can convey this much more simply with a sprite change.
It sounds obvious in retrospect, but lines like that are often pretty invisible when you’re reading a non-visual novel. These lines change the sprite of the character inside your head (if that makes sense, haha). I realized that I’m so used to them being ‘invisible’ that I didn’t notice their absence in visual novels I liked, so I would accidentally include them while writing. 
I was also writing these routes in a word processor, so I didn’t have the visual portion to reference, myself. I wound up making a lot of ‘tone’ notes like, “Lantana should be smug here” so that the meaning would carry when revising and implementing these into Ren’py. 
So, while visual novels share a lot with prose, they’re an entirely different medium. On the subject of representing things visually, I’ve struggled trying to figure out how much can be visually represented and how much should be written. 
Every asset in the game has to be drawn by Doris, so if I want the characters to go to a new location for a scene, I have to keep in mind that’s another background that Doris has to draw. If I want a new character to show up, that’s another sprite she has to draw. I don’t want to overload her, but if I’m trying to avoid this entirely, characters sometimes wind up standing in one room talking for ages without anything significant changing on-screen.
I’ve learned that it’s recommended for something to almost always be changing on-screen, though, so sometimes I just have to ask Doris to make a new asset for a certain scene. I still try to stick to locations/characters that already exist more often than not.
Every single thing in a visual novel is deliberate. Another thing I’ve had to learn that I never even considered before is how to write each line so it fits in the text box. It sounds obvious, but when I’m playing a visual novel, I don’t usually think about how each line has to be carefully constructed so it doesn’t need to be split up into two or more text boxes. In my mind, if a visual novel is well-created, there’s not much that breaks a reader’s immersion.
Planning & Outlining
The previous section might sound really weird to some people, so let me elaborate.  I’m a lifelong ‘write by the seat of your pants’-er, so the biggest trial-and-error of creating Breathless Winds for me was planning out the game.
Initially, I created outlines for each of the four routes, and we agreed ahead of time on which CGs each route would have. That way, Doris could draw the necessary backgrounds and CGs while I was in the long process of drafting this game.  My original outlines weren’t great. I know a lot of people have different experiences with writing, but for me personally, a story is always shaping itself in my mind. When I started making the outlines for Breathless Winds, I knew the concepts we wanted to convey, but I didn’t know what each route (and the game as a whole) was really about yet. This might sound weird and unprofessional, but sometimes, I don’t know what a story is about until I finish the first draft.
So while I was writing, I would look at my outlines and I would think, “this doesn’t actually make sense, he wouldn’t say that” or “this plot point would work better if moved to this other section” or “there’s a plot hole here I didn’t notice”. The story wound up changing a lot in this way as I learned what it’s really ‘about’. 
And even after I finished the first draft, I’d get feedback from Doris and/or my editor and they would suggest fixes to problems that even I hadn’t noticed, and then I would revise the route some more, and later on I’d come back and need to redo part of the route to comply with something I wrote in a later route-- I haven’t really felt ‘finished’ with Breathless Winds at any point, and I think I’ll still feel this way after the game is released.
This means that sometimes, a background was created but would go unused because there was no space for the scene that would use it, or we’d need a new CG last-minute, or so on. 
When I’m figuring things out as I go while writing a non-VN, the only person that I can adversely affect is my own self… so I’m eternally grateful for all of Doris’s patience with me on this matter. I think Breathless Winds has come out a much better game for all the re-plotting and revision. 
I redid the outlines several times as I went. I think I’ve understood how to create outlines that personally work for me-- ‘living’ outlines that hit all the main points, but leave wiggle room for moments when a character does something unexpected, work the best for me.
Scope Creep
So, originally, each route was meant to be 40,000 words. “With four routes, that’s only 160,000 words!” I thought. “And some of my favorite visual novels are about that long, so I can write that much, too!” ← clueless
This is the most infamous mistake that new creators make, and I walked right into it. I should have known better since I’ve bitten off more than I can chew with past non-VN writing projects before, but I was starry-eyed and didn’t realize how much work it is to make a VN. Some of those favorite visual novels I referenced were made by much larger teams, writers whose full-time job was writing (I wrote all of these routes on the side while working at a day job). 
If I could have done it again, I would have asked Doris to start out with a really short VN. But, I don’t regret making Breathless Winds at all. It’s brought Doris and I a lot closer, for one. Every time I thought I wanted to give up on this, Doris would motivate me to continue. Without the two of us both and our strong friendship, Breathless Winds wouldn’t exist, and I think that’s beautiful. 
No matter what, we’re going to see it through to the end. (I hope people like it, though…)
Anyway, here I am talking about how much 40,000 words is. Each route now is about 60k to 70k words. The problem with having evolving outlines is that they can often evolve into double their original size.
We came up with the idea of the poachers really early in development, and then not addressing the poachers felt like a failing, but by that point it was too late to remove the poachers entirely… and so the game wound up a lot longer dealing with the poachers. 
I think that if we had an editor sooner on in the game’s development, then we might have had someone to tell us, “do you really need all of this in the game? Does this plot point really need to be there? Will you be able to write all of this in a reasonable amount of time?”, haha. But Doris and I were really excited about the possibilities of this game when we started creating it, and without anyone to reel us back in, we wound up coming up with more and more things we wanted to put in the game.
Did you know there was going to be an island full of talking rats who say things like “the big cheese” and stuff all the time in Breathless Winds? Yeah. 
The Core Design Philosophy of Breathless Winds
So, for anyone who’s read this far but doesn’t know yet-- the premise of Breathless Winds is that you play as a trans woman who doesn’t know she’s trans yet, and she finds love with one of four love interests as she discovers her gender identity. 
In real life, it can be a lot messier for a person to date when discovering their gender identity. To put it briefly and mildly, a trans person’s life and sense of personal identity can rapidly change during a gender crisis and the early stages of transition. 
However, we wanted to make this game a ‘wish-fulfillment’ type story-- a trans fantasy about acceptance, community, and love. During a gender crisis, it can be easy to feel as if one has lost touch with themselves and become isolated from others. A sincere wish shared by many trans people is to be accepted, loved, and even celebrated as their true gender, not just tolerated. 
Since many trans people don’t get love and acceptance in real life, especially with the ongoing transphobic moral panic, we wanted to create a game that would bring this feeling of trans joy and celebration to trans audiences. 
We also hope that cis players will still enjoy the story and characters, and maybe come away from the game with a new understanding about being transgender and other aspects of LGBT identity (although we never intended this game to be ‘educational’).
Making Characters that Celebrate Trans Identity
Although we went through several revisions, the core identities of each character stayed the same since the game was first ‘jokingly’ pitched. In another post, I discussed how each character is themed around a change in seasons. (I also wound up theming them around the four humors when I was initially concepting them-- I really wanted to avoid too much ‘overlap’ in the LI’s personalities, haha). 
Ultimately, characters are created to serve a role. The LIs in Breathless Winds were designed to be love interests, of course-- characters who would appeal to the hypothetical trans femme audience. As mentioned earlier, we modeled them after other trans fiction tropes because these types of characters have a certain tried-and-true appeal, but this left plenty of flexibility to put our own spin on it. 
A trans woman being loved as a woman by a cishet guy can feel like a high form of ‘passing’, ‘fitting in’ to the female gender role, and being validated by his orientation. He only likes women, and he likes you, so you’re undoubtedly a woman. As a cishet guy, he represents a sort of acceptance into a societal norm that trans women can desire to live to. (Lantana, as a cis lesbian, represents the sapphic counterpoint to this-- although there is of course a big gap between the ‘normalcy’ of a cishet man and a cis lesbian woman, and I don’t mean to say those two are equivalent.) 
But not all trans women want to live to that (cis) societal norm. Rue and Valerian, as a trans woman and a trans man respectively, are the t4t options. 
Rue’s route represents that trans/sapphic ‘envy’ (“do I want her or do I want to be her?”) as well as finding power in community aside from what society considers ‘normal’. We’ve always been pretty clear about what we wanted to do with Rue’s route.
We went back and forth a lot more on Valerian’s route. Initially, we were unsure if he should be trans. He and Rue are the two less-friendly love interests (at least initially), so I was afraid it would come across that t4t is a more hostile option, which is not true at all. But it also felt like a mistake to not have a trans man in the game-- but making Gallardia trans would have required a big overhaul of what we had in mind for him and his route. (Although, childhood friends t4t is a really good idea...)
Beyond that, Valerian takes a villainous role in any route that isn't his own. We were worried that it would be wrong to have a trans antagonist who represents unjust power. However, Breathless Winds is a queer game with other positive trans characters, and we've always approached Valerian as a hot anti-villain man that you can't help but like.
In the end, Valerian’s route is about breaking generational cycles and what it is that makes you a man, and I also managed to sneak in a scene where they dance at a ball in the royal palace, so in the end I think it all worked out great.
Wish Fulfillment and Catharsis
Doris and I both agreed that we wouldn’t depict on-screen transphobia in Breathless Winds. Poppy worries about not being accepted, but fear of acceptance can come with any change in identity. Rue was rejected by her family for being trans, but this doesn’t take place ‘on screen’ in the game. There exist certain metaphorical parallels for transness and transphobia, but every route has a happy ending. 
Following up on this-- it can be difficult to write about discovery of gender identity without writing about transphobia, considering how many trans people suffer from internalized transphobia during their period of repression.
Sometimes, repressed/closeted transgender people ‘hyper-perform’ their assigned gender as a form of denial. A trans woman might grow out a beard and join a gym, while a trans man might become very interested in makeup and feminine clothing. 
In Breathless Winds, Poppy often struggles with ‘strength’ and what it means to be a man. In several routes, she tries to prove her strength under the assumption that being stronger would make her happy. Afraid the world would reject her if she became who she really is, she preemptively rejects herself.
Not every trans person suffers from prolonged denial, internalized transphobia, or even gender dysphoria. I don’t think it’s impossible to tell a purely-positive story about trans joy. 
While Poppy never gets rejected for being trans, faces transphobia, gets called a slur, etc, she faces both internal and external (metaphorical) obstacles to realizing and accepting her identity. 
Gallardia represents a societal norm that Poppy can’t live up to herself as a man.
Lantana suffers from certain aspects of her identity as a woman, which makes Poppy feel guilt for wanting to be a girl.
Rue is isolated from town at the start of her route, a ‘punishment’ for breaking this societal norm.
Valerian has to hyper-conform to his masculine gender role at first in toxic ways before finding acceptance from within and from his loved ones.
These struggles are real to a lot of people, but instead of pretending they don’t exist, I hoped to tell a story about catharsis. Poppy is able to live up to her truth as a woman and finds love with Gallardia, Poppy and Lantana redefine what being a woman should and does mean to them, Rue and Poppy find community in others who don’t fit the norm, Poppy and Valerian stop seeking gender validation from a society that was never made to serve them. 
Although these powerful forces of oppression exist, loving yourself as a trans person- and loving those around you, protecting the natural world, and standing up for what you believe in- can save the day. That’s the kind of story we wanted to tell.
Wrap-up
There’s a lot more I could write, but this has already gotten really long (sorry!) so I’ll wrap it up here. 
Learning how to write a visual novel in terms of technical skill (how to depict events on-screen, how long each line should be) as well as in terms of writing skill (how to outline the game, how to plan visual assets) has been a massive undertaking for me. 
Writing Breathless Winds has been a big challenge but also deeply rewarding, and all of your support has made the experience even more wonderful. Thank you for reading and thank you for supporting the game!
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rendezvouz-fling · 1 year
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Astro Observations #21
Moon signs edition part 2!🍂
Having dated a few Leo moons, I’ve noticed they have a thing for acting more vulnerable and caring with their partners in private then acting the complete opposite when their friends are around because they think that vulnerability is only for their partners to see.
I’ve noticed some Taurus/Libra moons tend to have greedy mothers who are keen on good looks and manners or their mothers might gravitate towards friendships with people who have money. 
Let me know if I’m onto something but, I believe Saturnian moons (Cap/Aqua) and their relationship with their mothers often times also depends on their Venus sign. E.g. my sister is a Capricorn moon with a Sagittarius venus and although she has the typical Saturnian moon qualities/issues, her mom still has never really been verbally affectionate and treats her bad. Whereas I’m an Aquarius moon with a Pisces venus and although me and my mom aren’t the closest/on the same page and yes I also carry the typical Saturnian moon qualities/issues, my mom is very caring and affectionate.
Pisces moons can be somewhat gullible at times due to their very giving and affectionate nature!
Virgo moons at 3, 15 or 27 degree in the 2H are the biggest over thinkers!! Always constantly worrying or thinking about a comeback to an argument that happened a week ago. They can also have stress eating tendencies.
Gemini moons are those best friends you either talk to everyday or just once while! And when you do talk to them there’ll most likely be something crazy happening in their lives. They just give off an air of being restless and pretty much always on the go.
Yes Sagittarius moons are normally really funny but have you talked to one while they were drunk?😭🤣
Aries moons are the type of friends who are ready to let go of everything and just run away with you to another country meanwhile they haven’t figured out how they’re going to survive over there or anything.💀 Ily guys! 😂
Scorpio moons are very generous, most of them have their guards up and I feel like it’s because they get easily hurt and sometimes their expectations of people turns out to be unrealistic.  
Taurus moons and Aquarius moons aren’t the types to apologize!💀 Taurus moons will just try to offer you some of their food or they might soften up to you a little orrr even try to engage in a conversation with you a few moments after an argument. Whereas Aquarius moons won’t apologize if they don’t feel like they did/said anything wrong and they’ll tell it to your face too then tell you exactly what they said and how they don’t see any wrong in it. 🧍🏽‍♀️
Virgo moons with Cancer risings only really truly apologize if they feel like they’d hurt your feelings.
Also I’ve noticed most Air moons tend to not have parental supervision specifically at a very young age. Or their parents (normally their mom) usually leaves them with their family while they go out and do whatever.
Saturnian moons especially Aquarius moons really be out here having mothers who put their boyfriends on pedestal and they barely pay attention to their kids. Then when the kid (Saturnian moon) confronts their mom about it (wether in the moment or years later) the mother will down right deny it and try to make it seem like all their attention was on their child or make excuses about having to go to work because they needed income, etc…
Some Virgo moons I’ve seen with Air/Earth venuses tend to have aggressive or very critical mothers.
Some Cancer moons I know have emotionally manipulative mothers or moms who do them wrong then gaslight them.
Water moons when underdeveloped can be immature and mean.😭
You know that one friend who’s very artistic or just listen to music a lot, is very playful and can sometimes be unreachable or on the go? They’re probably an Air moon.
That one friend that always validates your feelings and tells/shows you they care about your opinions? They’re probably a Water moon.
That one friend who’s probably the class clown, loud, always cracking jokes to make people laugh and is pretty popular? They’re probably a fire moon.
That one friend who loves exchanging ideas, almost always has strong accurate opinions and has a calming vibe to them? They’re probably an Earth moon.
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httpspedri26 · 6 months
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Please another jude angst my love they’re amazing❤️✋🏻
Arguments - Jude Bellingham
Angst
Jude Bellingham x reader
Send requests!
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while the echoes of his argument remained in the air. The room felt heavy with unresolved tension, a silent testament to how strained their relationship had become.
“We were crazy to think this could’ve worked” Jude mumbled, barely audible to y/n, but she heard it loud and clear.
“What are you talking about?” Y/n furrowed her eyebrows.
Jude groaned, frustrated that she didn’t grasp it. “Y/n, I’m never around! I wake up when you’re still asleep, spend most of the day at the training grounds, and when I come back, all we do is fight, and then we ignore each other for the rest of the day. We don’t work anymore, Y/n/n.”
Y/n sighed, realizing the weight of Jude's words. "Maybe we need a break, some time apart to figure things out," she suggested, looking for a way to ease the palpable tension between them.
Jude remained silent, but his guilty brown eyes said everything
“Y- you want to break up?” Y/n whispered not daring to look away from him fearing he was going to disappear any moment
“Y/n/n I can’t be a good boyfriend if I’m trying to dedicate all of my time to fútbol, I need to focus on my career, and it's not fair to you if I can't give you the attention you deserve sometimes I don’t even sleep just so I can spend time with you-“.
“okay, you know what, Jude? you know what? maybe you should just leave me, then. wouldn’t that be easier? you’d be able to sleep better at night, right?”
they both knew she didn’t mean it, though Jude couldn’t lie and say it didn’t hurt to hear. but she was pissed, and jude knew better than to try to reason with her when she was like this. 
when she realized he wasn’t going to respond, she continued. “you know how hard i work for this relationship. i’ve flown across the oceans that have separated us, driven for hours just to get to see you for, like, one— hell, i’ve skipped some of my most important classes so we could go to shitty dive bars in the middle of the day together! yeah, remember that? i love you, okay? people who love each other are supposed to be grateful for any time they have together at all, no matter if it’s every day or once a year.”
"Yeah? Well, I didn't ask you to do any of that, Y/n. You chose to do those things. Like right now, I didn't ask you to come to Madrid for a few months. You wanted to be here because we barely spoke to each other, but it didn't even make a fucking difference because we don't even talk while we're here together," Jude snapped
A sob escaped from Y/n's mouth as she stood up from the couch.
"Wait, Y/n, I didn’t -"
"Fuck you, Bellingham. I should've listened to my parents when they said this was never going to work out"
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