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#but some things fell into place
misc-magic · 3 months
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I think… I might… finally… be able to buy… a piano…
A real one. Not a keyboard. Not a digital.
The universe conspired to bestow unexpected funds upon me.
And now a used upright is within my sights.
I have to wait a little longer. Like a couple months. Then I’m making the trip into the big city to check out a used piano store.
I am trying to contain my feelings about it. Don’t want to get my hopes up yet.
It’s just been over 10 years since I’ve had a real piano. And I miss it so much it’s almost painful. I get by on my used $100 bought off Facebook keyboard that doesn’t even have all 88 keys. But yeah it’s not the same.
This is what I get for having such an expensive hobby I guess. Like I bought a brand new ukulele and a brand new guitar each for a couple hundred bucks. And yeah they’re not top of the line but they’re new.
Decent used pianos are thousands of dollars.
New pianos are tens of thousands.
And then there’s the cost of having it moved.
You can’t send that motherfucker through FedEx.
Just the cost of moving a piano is like three times what I paid for my guitar. And that’s if it’s nearby.
Anyway I just needed to get this out of my system so I can focus on work again. I’ve been waiting 10 years what’s a couple more months right??
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fear-no-mort · 5 months
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pov it’s the night of December 2nd 2013 and you’ve just burst into your grandsons room to pick him up so he’s not down there when you blow up the world the guy who ruined your life is from because you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself if you let him stay down there with everyone else which is Really fucking weird because you thought even coming back here in the first place meant giving up forever on anything for the rest of your life but this goddamn kid stops you from blowing up the planet and now you’re basically permanently fucked because now you’re just gonna have to keep on living and it’s because you love him. and tomorrow morning you will be running from alien police with him
#i was going to just post a draft but i wanted something that felt more birthday-ish for The Day#i just think about the pilot a lot. rick thought he was going to just end everything there that night and when he was lying on the ground-#-afterward looking up at morty telling him it was all just a test in his mind he’s just like#Ohhhh shit. this is about to be so horrible. and little did he know morty was thinking the same thing#because they saw eachother on that night rick crashed in through the garage and they just looked at eachother#rick had seen other mortys everywhere previously but this was the first time he really Saw Morty#and they both thought#Ohhhh shit#bc they just Knew#rick and morty#rick Sanchez#morty smith#also do you think they just kinda spent the night outside in that place#like when rick passed out at the end of the cold open did morty not wake him up and he eventually fell back asleep#and they just stayed there. lol#probably not based off the fact that morty was sleep deprived in the morning#so he probably woke rick back up and they did some other shit that we never got to see#i like to think they maybe went to a gas station or something and got wrapped up in a little on-planet adventure#and it was super convoluted and dangerous but at a certain hour rick checked his several watches#and was like Oh shit morty w gottfa we gotta get you back home morty.#and he just ended whatever intense life threatening situation they were in immediately#and morty is like Rick WTF why didn’t you do that sooner we were gonna die!!! and rick cant come up with an excuse bc he really just wanted#to spend as much time with morty as possible so he just dodged the question and called him a stupid dumb dumb idiot baby#odiespeak
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idk-bruh-20 · 1 year
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Irondad fic ideas #132
Peter loses so many backpacks, Tony starts numbering them like his suits: "backpack mark 5," "backpack mark 13," "here you go kid, backpack mark 49."
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koishua · 11 days
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GAGGINGGGGG THROWING UP SCREECHING i paused on each frame and sobbed like a FREAK he can never stay mad at her he's so freaking smitten, down bad, he's a simp my god get a GRIP sunjae wth
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mikimeiko · 2 years
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The Good Place | Season 3 (2018-2019)
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firstmatedville · 3 months
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fresh tattoo on my leg feels exactly how it felt to scrape my knee as a kid, a sensation I didn't realise I had gone so long without and didn't know it was possible to miss. there's a poem in there somewhere for sure
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itspileofgoodthings · 8 months
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Years ago, I asked you what the different alternate universe Maria’s were doing with their lives. Are the answers still the same?
OOOOOOF yes.
but now I’m in the period where I have to face that I do not, in fact, have multiple lives so I have to figure out what I’m doing with my one wild and precious life and the sort of (for me, at least) ease of following a particular school-related completion course that wasn’t too hard to commit to or finish has come to an end and I am at a crossroads where it’s just like—you could choose. And on some level, in the next few years, you need to. Low-key terrifying and I hate it.
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waywardsalt · 3 months
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Can you please tell more about your redeemed Bellum that hangs around with the main cast in post-canon? Or, like, your hum!Bellum ideas in general?
Ooooh, I have a lot I could say about Bellum. I'll go a bit off this ask and just talk about him in the context of post-ph and some other aus, since he's fun and because most of them share the common thread of him being in human form often. This will probably be messy, but I'll divide it into sections to force myself to stick to one topic at once to keep this from devolving into what might as well be a transcript of a discord dms infodump.
(there should be a keep reading just under here- there are a few thousand words under the cut- if it's lower than it should be then idk, even while drafting this i had issues with it moving further down than i put it)
Human Bellum Basics (mostly design stuff)
It's less of a human Bellum au sort of thing, and more like a design for what if Bellum had a human form that he could change into. Kind of like Oshus having his human form while actually being a whale, it's the idea that Bellum can switch between his human form and his demon form at will, and I have spent... way, way too long trying to figure out this design.
I can't quite remember why I decided to give Bellum a human form (could've been anything from doing it for the hell of it to for shipping purposes) and it took AGES to decide on his final design.
Describing it would take a few paragraphs, so there's art! Commission pieces by @roskii specifically, he's great, he did great, check him out. (i dont know how to make these smaller :)))))) enjoy)
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Half of it is directly taken from his demon design, he keeps the tentacles (not always present, he manifests them at will and tend to have much less reach when he's human), his eye, his teeth, his hair color (kind of), and half of it is more... brought in by ideas related to Bellum in general, with some vague references to that demon design; specifically him being scarred all over is a mixture of the idea of him as a violent and almost warlike creature, while also vaguely referencing the markings on his demon body (in the earliest drawing I ever did of a human Bellum design, he did just straight-up have those markings. That picture no longer exists, I'm sure).
As a basic reference, I suppose, in the second image, the character to the right of Bellum (Damien Fletcher) is an oc of mine, and therefore a character I designed (totally worth mentioning tho that with both Damien and Bellum while I did technically design them and gave roskii my notes for how they look, he also took some small liberties with their designs and... ugh theyre great im keeping them), so those two could provide some insight to my character design sensibilities, even if they're just a small fraction of the (mental) character designs I have.
Bellum is made up of pieces of his canonical design, pieces that I think make sense considering what we know about him, and just pieces of other character designs. He has more or less the same haircut as Joker/the protagonist from Persona 5. His hair has been like that for a while, but seeing Joker's hair helped me figure out specifically what I wanted.
It's been... hard, trying to give him a humanoid design, I've seen a bunch of other human Bellum designs, looked at other Zelda characters with both human and inhuman forms, took inspiration for what I could do and how and what parts could be carried over. His hair is easy to explain, it literally is meant to look like he does as a demon. Easy. It is absolutely directly inspired by that bitch from Tokyo Ghoul. I'm not looking up the character name I don't care about Tokyo Ghoul.
I keep him having sharp teeth, I've transposed those markings on his bodies as being scars (which I'll elaborate a little more on later), kept his eye and that he only has one main eye (there is nothing under the eyepatch. It's just smooth. If you've seen The Goonies, it's like what's going on with One-Eyed Willy. That's probably where I got it from tbh), the yellow and black color scheme is further kept with a yellow tank top-esque shirt and black pants and boots, and while they're not constantly present he still has access to his tentacles.
He's not human, just pretending to be.
Leading me to some other little details, such as his lack of ears. And nails. And. Other things not visible that he didn't bother with. He pretends to be human, but doesn't care enough to look truly human- though he can pass as human. When he does bother to actually look human, he does have nails and ears, and changes his eye to a human one, with a color of choice. He goes by 'Warren' when actually pretending to be human. It doesn't mean anything in particular it's just a play on how 'bellum' is latin for 'war'. But, most of the time, he's not really trying. A sense of lack of real care is something I try to communicate with his humanoid design, hence him having generally baggy and plain clothes.
The 'war' thing about his character I think is decently expressed in game with him having an army of sorts with the phantoms and him just coming off as sort of violent but strategic. He also seems very scrappy, mostly attacks with direct contact including just straight up running into Link, and seems to put a lot of stock into sheer force and just fucking killing you at any cost after a certain point, but seems genuinely wary and cornered once someone is shown to be capable of actually posing an actual threat. I like the idea of human Bellum being a bit of a brawler in a sense, fighting with his bare hands and just being incredibly violent when he fights like a human, really only breaking out his more supernatural abilities when he just wants to get shit over with.
Part of the fun with Bellum is that there isn't much to him, so I'm taking a lot of liberties with him. His loose clothes are something that won't really get in the way of him fighting and do the bare minimum, and the boots he wears have metal toes for just a bit of extra ways to hurt people. He's built but still soft in places, not intended to be a muscular as Damien, he's intentionally designed his own human form to be a bit unassuming, so I've kept that he's made of a lot of circular shapes, his face is meant to be a bit of a round shape, his hair gives a round shape, and though he's fairly tall (he and Damien are 6 feet tall btw Linebeck throws off every post-ph cast height comparison) I think of him being a bit... small? If that makes sense? His clothes help with that, they're slightly oversized, and his posture isn't great; He's a bit like a delinquent, starting fights intentionally for the sake of violence and putting little effort into his appearance.
His scars are technically cosmetic. They aren't results of injuries; technically nothing but the Phantom Sword and things like it can hurt him. His scars are references to the markings on his demon body, and just further reflection of him being a creature all about violence and conflict. They aren't totally consistent between the times he uses his human form, but some of the bigger ones are, most notably the scar across his face.
I'll be honest. My earliest human Bellum designs were some Tumblr sexyman shit and I've been trying to ditch that SO BAD ever since. I think I've done well. The scar across his face is a big one. An added imperfection, a massive facial blemish that isn't really conventionally great to look at. His nose specifically has been though some development stages, at first I kept switching between different full nose shapes, then brought in the facial scar and decided that he'd be missing a chunk of that nose, then, decided, fuck it! I can't decide on a nose shape, so he gets no nose at all. I think it works pretty well and I like it.
I really tried to get in a lot of his personality to the design, and I don't want to go into all of it in this section, so just keep in mind that a lot of his design has been influenced by the way I've decided to write him, and some stuff I've already mentioned might be made a little clearer when I get into that. As a quick aside, he's pale partially because I've intentionally made him look halfway similar to Link, and partially because I figure he does not get a lot of sun; you literally meet him in what is effectively a basement, and from the way he operates, probably hasn't made himself seen in a while by the time the events of the game happen. He can't get sunburns, but, as he cannot change a lot of extremely major things about his human form, he can't manually change his skin tone in a major way, and it's likely that when he was considerably younger and newer and spent time in the sun, his skin tone would be closer to Oshus's, so a bit more tan.
In the Context of Phantom Hourglass and Post-PH
Moving swiftly on, as there is pretty much no real info about Bellum's background, I have taken matters into my own hands and decided a lot of it for myself in headcanon; Bellum is technically Oshus's son. Not in the traditional sense, but he was created by Oshus and can very much be considered his child, and to an extent, Ciela, Leaf, and Neri are all also Oshus's kids due to them being created by him (yea even considering Ciela calling him 'grandpa', in her and my defense she lost her memories and he is old as a human), therefore making (in some terms) Bellum to be Oshus's son and the brother of the three spirits. I think it's an interesting dynamic, to have Oshus be the one responsible for Bellum's existence, and for the three spirits you travel with and help you defeat Bellum to be closely related to him.
Oshus himself (when you get the hourglass in ph) says that the sand of hours is made of force gems of the ocean king (whatever... that wording means)- which then suggests that at the end of the day, all sands of hours are derived from the power of the ocean king, and Bellum dissolves into that sand at the end of the game, and I am standing in front of a wild-looking conspiracy cork board trying to piece this all together. I find it interesting if Oshus was the one who created Bellum before he created the three spirits.
(This is a topic for another post/fic but Leaf and Neri were neglected so bad in ph and it would be interesting to see more of how they feel abt Ciela before she gets her memories back and how they feel abt... anything else ig. I think they're neat, too, and I like tying the spirits together with Bellum in this way)
In Phantom Hourglass, it's strongly suggested (mostly through dialogue) that it's been a decent amount of time since Bellum defeated Oshus and took over the Temple of the Ocean King and created the Ghost Ship (though I suppose it could be possible that the Ghost Ship's existence precedes Bellum taking over that temple and defeating Oshus), but things across that sea are relatively calm, despite the new influx of monsters and the Ghost Ship making most people too afraid to sail. No one knows it's Bellum, though, and people do know about the Ocean King, so I wonder if Bellum is known about at all by the general public, or is a being that's more or less completely unknown? My personal theory is that he's vaguely known in some sense, as an obscure deity, and that he was behind the collapse of the Cobble Kingdom, since they were aligned with the Ocean King and Bellum appears to be his direct enemy and would likely then target the allies of his enemy.
Bellum seems to do a lot of behind the scenes stuff, never been seen until the end of the game and not even being mentioned until halfway through. As I think I've said before, he's practically won by the time he comes across Link and Tetra, the Ghost Ship going out and collecting people for him while he sits at the bottom of the temple and drains anyone who might be heading directly for him. He doesn't even seem to concerned about hunting Oshus down for good, and I suspect he likely doesn't even know about Ciela being split apart, so (asides from my idea that gods/spirits/stuff like that only being able to be sealed away, only properly killed under certain circumstances) I bet there's a level of confidence that he's got things under tight enough wraps that he's good to do whatever he wants.
Aaaand then he panics when he realizes how much of a wrench in his plans Link is, throwing two sea monsters at him and causing earthquakes, he's a procrastinator, I think. That, or he underestimated this kid. Both are very possible. Either way, it's interesting to look at what he's done and caused, hiding away the spirits and beating back the Ocean King, taking over his temple, creating the Ghost Ship to roam indefinitely, screwing with the Yook and wiping out pretty much all of the Isle of Ember, and likely being the reason behind the increased number of monsters. If you really look into it, while most characters don't really seem to realize, things are kind of fucked at the start of Phantom Hourglass, and it's interesting how Oshus himself seems powerless and even dissuades Link from giving it a shot, even if he secretly wants him to go and handle things.
With my idea of Bellum being a sort of technical relative to Oshus and the spirits, it opens up a handful of new avenues for motivation beyond just being after securing control and a steady stream of prey, I enjoy the idea of it being a matter of him becoming more and more ambitious, far beyond the station he was created for; going off of his name and ability to create phantoms, I imagine Oshus created him specifically to be warlike, perhaps initially with the intention of having him as a more violent protector of the realm, maybe to keep monsters in check or maybe just as a secondary deity for the world of the ocean king; I'll admit, I'm still a little foggy on what Bellum would've been initially created for, the spirits are easy to figure out, but I do figure it was something not as passive as just representing something, I imagine it as a deliberate opposite to Oshus himself to account for his weaknesses. Either way, I figure a part of Bellum's motivation involves him wanting more than he was given access to by Oshus, and deciding to fully wage war against him in a sense. The short and silly version is that Bellum is Oshus' shitty disowned son. Oshus isn't entirely innocent in whatever I decide caused Bellum to turn on him and the spirits, but Bellum does suck: that is important. The Cobble Kingdom looks like it's been destroyed for a while, I figure that was Bellum's first major target when he started outwardly going after Oshus and hunting the humans of the realm.
In Post-PH, he's the group's pet evil squid on a very very very short leash until he starts behaving himself and having a character arc.
Effectively, Bellum doesn't die at the end of Phantom Hourglass, instead being broken down into the sand of hours he's made of and being sealed inside the Phantom Sword- after all, after the final boss, the sand Bellum turns into goes into the Phantom Sword. I imagine that the Phantom Sword, after breaking and restoring Oshus, turns into the hourglass for Link to keep, while Oshus and the spirits keep the remaining sands, therefore keeping a hold of Bellum. (A bit like Oshus just being left alone after Bellum defeating him, they can't really kill Bellum so they just keep an eye on him while he's in a weakened state) They kind of just keep him prisoner at the bottom of the Temple for a bit, and Oshus finally decides to send him to Link's world as a punishment, since he's at his weakest and Oshus wants to get him to learn some lesson, it's a work in progress. Bellum is grounded in Post-PH.
It's basically that 'the villain when you unlock him as a playable character' bit, where he's quite a bit weaker than he is in Phantom Hourglass, though mostly for the sake of keeping things balanced, so Bellum can't break everything for everyone. He's still powerful, he still accesses his demon form, can't be conventionally killed or injured, and move through walls and turn people to stone, the whole deal, it's just that his demon form's size is impacted (i hc that the size of his demon form can be manipulated at will, but the largest size is dependent of how much power/stored life force he has. he's small at the start of post-ph, but his human form isnt impacted at all. i imagine that for beings like oshus and bellum, their human form is a like a 'low power mode' kinda thing) So Bellum is the Post-PH crew's fourth member, the swabbie on the ship and pet sea monster when they need it and when he has the energy for it.
Bellum is kept mostly in line by a vague fear of Link and his general fear, respect, and curiosity about Linebeck. Linebeck is usually the one holding onto Bellum's leash. Bellum is decently civil with the group from the start, since he's weak and unable to return home until Oshus permits it or he gathers enough power to make that trip, and works mostly as a fighter- when he wants to. The earliest limitation I came up for him, since he's the member with the highest chance of breaking things, is that he will just straight-up choose not to help. He decides he's busy, decides it's not his problem, or other limitations, such as his involvement likely to cause more problems that they solve, since he's rather destructive when fighting.
He's the least sociable most of the time, for obvious reasons, but can pretend, and has the least... casual skills to offer to the group, hence why he gets stuck as swabbie (also general disrespect/as a punishment for the ph thing) and it takes a while for him to properly warm up to the rest of the group. He and Linebeck start off on decent terms and get closer through them just initially trusting each other, he and Link take the longest to get used to each other for... obvious reasons, it takes a lot of fighting together and seeing that they can rely on each other and they learn to be decent with each other just by existing in the same space, and things with Damien start off half decent, Damien was not present during Phantom Hourglass (obviously) and doesn't have the full context of how much he sucks, but it starts decent, gets worse when he learns what happened, and then gets good again because Damien's kind of amiable in general and sees that Linebeck thinks he's fine.
SO! To actually address your question about him being 'redeemed'- he does have a bit of an arc that I'm still mentally workshopping. He isn't entirely redeemed, as the group's general morality is a big off-kilter when Link isn't looking or is willing to get a little gray with things, and there's not really a whooooole lot of atonement Bellum can do in terms of the volume of bullshit he pulled in the past. It's less him atoning or w/e for the bullshit he's done, that's not entirely feasible, it's more him just. being forced to Be Decent and learn some actual kindness and think about more than just his own survival, he's essentially forced to actually appreciate life and the world, it's more him actually... experiencing the world for a reason other than consumption and war and conflict and doing what he's been told, he's effectively just on this long voyage with Linebeck, Link, and Damien, going with them from island to island and seeing what's up. I'm going to try and keep empathy out of it, so he's not really relating on a visceral level, more just choosing to be kind and take gentler paths to solving problems and interacting with others. He's also the group gremlin.
The way I write Bellum is definitionally inspired by other characters, Power from Chainsaw Man comes to mind in how he has a kind of shitty brat attitude at times, he'd fling vegetables across the room because he's a piece of shit who likes live meat. He's got his shitty messy delinquent loser side, where he causes problems and acts like some asshole teenager, and he's got his more serious, calm, almost professional seeming side that reminds the group that he's a few centuries old at the least and practically a god in his own right; generally outside of Post-PH I would pick one of these two sides to focus on for aus, but in Post-PH I need to figure out how the two of them work with how Bellum generally operates.
He's interested in Linebeck and initially decides to go along because he wants to figure him out, but grows to enjoy the rest of the group and that curiosity expands to involve the world as a whole; he experiences things like art and music, where he can't just brute-force his way into a satisfactory outcome and has to learn and find his own style, he reads books and listens to stories and sees the different ways humans live on the seas and I want his arc to, in some part, be about him just finding meaning in the world beyond what he does to secure survival, and the other members of the group introduce him to those other facets of life that he has access to, has had access to. The other part is the group getting Bellum to see most living things as more than just prey for him to hunt and consume, but that generally goes hand in hand with the prior point, as he actually enjoys life and figures out what he likes beyond the basic things he was created for.
He can't fall back on just smashing through everything or creating phantoms, since he's far too weak to do either effectively at the start, and I intend to just force Bellum into basically just being a human character with some unusually powerful magic at his fingertips, first just wanting to build himself back up to what he was in Phantom Hourglass, then just getting to see things in a new light. I'm not sure how to explain it or even what I'll want to do when I get to it, but that's the general gist of his arc, I think.
Other than that, he's just the fourth members of the crew with a serious knowledge of... a lot of things as a centuries-old demon and the hardest hitter in the group who can't and won't cook for shit and kind of just learns to actually live without constantly gunning for those bare necessities long after he's gotten them. I don't want it to be 'he learns to be human' because he... isn't human, but just him appreciating life and seeing some value in it, especially as something with as much power as Bellum, it's a bit messy and I'm still figuring it out, but I've got the general direction figured out.
Bellum is effectively the ship's best defender, and ends up fitting into the group as a friend and with his own specific role with the other individual members of the group. Linebeck kind of kickstarts his arc for him and connects with him the most and Bellum generally stays the closest with him, but Damien and Link help him see other little corners of life, as well as other characters he has to interact with, and I think I want Bellum's side of the story to have the most outstanding mundane-ity to it- there's absolutely meant to be a slice-of-life aspect to Post-PH, but I want the biggest points of Bellum's arc to be comparably the most mundane. It's the little things with him. The others have little things, too, but... I'm not sure how to express the difference, but I promise there is a difference.
Outside of Post-PH, though, when Bellum is present in a big way, his arc either tackles a similar idea in a different way, is just about something entirely different, or he doesn't have an arc at all, either due to not being a big enough part of the story or just straight up not being present.
In the Context of AUs
Bellum is only present in a handful of aus, either fully present as a character, halfway present, or just being referenced. When he is present in an au, he's usually some kind of major character, and he's notable in the crimson king au, the space au, the murder mystery au, and the horror au and one of my 'ruined hyrule' aus. (the horror and ruined hyrule au will be put together for this bc bellum's role in both are very similar) (for reference, here's my au explanation post)
In the horror au and ruined hyrule au, Bellum serves juuuust about the same role, just with different capabilities, contexts, all of that, but it's more or less the same thing. He's frequently present, but usually not acknowledged, and is very close to Linebeck in both, and the two of them pretty much rely on each other to live due to circumstances out of their control; they didn't really go into this whole thing liking each other, but have been more or less forced to become each other's friends due to proximity and just. Needing the others' presence in order to survive. In both, Bellum usually is a character who knows more than the others, but doesn't bother sharing that information since it's either not totally relevant or he just doesn't want to, and he tends to be protective of Linebeck, half because he needs him in order to live, half just because he's ended up liking him. (there is. more to say. but since i may actually write one of these aus [likely ruined hyrule bc the horror one has to be visual and it is VERY plotless rn] i'm not gonna go into much more depth since it would require spoilers lol)
Can't say a whole lot about the space au, either, since the story of that one is still a work in progress, and Bellum isn't particularly a major character, though he is important to some B-plot stuff. Without digging up too much world building and background and general story stuff and important plot bits, he's got a fairly close relationship to Linebeck in this au, as a general beneficiary and friend, and he actually tends to mind his own business and just wants to hold his own position; he's not really antagonistic or anything, but definitionally morally dubious even if he doesn't really directly do a whole lot.
In the Crimson King au, though, Bellum is one of the main characters, and a bit different than in ph-related stuff. He spends a lot of time in his human form, only switching to his little demon form a handful of times, and usually just for fun. He plays the role of Linebeck's closest friend and beneficiary, practically being the reason why Linebeck is able to do any of the things he does in the story, helping him from behind the scenes at times and balancing that business with Linebeck with his more outward appearance as a mostly normal guy working for the person who runs his section of the city... who also happens to be him. The vague politics in this au would take a bit to explain in full, but Bellum in this au spends a lot of time keeping his actual identity under wraps, the basic premise being that he's decided to integrate himself into current mortal society like a normal person to see what trouble he can cause, how he could sustain himself while keeping things stable, and to see just how far he can go- essentially, the only danger he faces is if others figure out what he is, but even then, he knows he could very easily cut his losses and go back to what he's done best.
He's not very active in the main plot, mostly giving Linebeck assignments and pulling strings behind the scenes in order to help and keep him safe, but Bellum does occasionally meddle directly in Linebeck's situation whenever it relates to him, when he needs something extra done, or, later in the story, when he gets a bit worried about Linebeck. His general arc is essentially him owning up to the fact that he does, in fact, care about Linebeck's well-being. Crimson King Bellum is fun, because he can't really just be 'violent demon', and I just like the supporting role I've got him in. He's Linebeck's rich friend who hires him to kill people for him. It's fun.
How I Like to Write Him With Linebeck
Of course, Bellum is going to have stuff with Linebeck, both in aus and in post-ph. Bellum has interactions and relationships with other characters, but the dynamic(s) with Linebeck tend to be the most diverse and important.
With aus: There’s usually a general sense that Bellum is above Linebeck, both in the power sense and in the sense that he’s typically his boss or in charge of him, but in a handful they are on equal footing (specifically, the modern school one, where they’re just classmates.)- the most common dynamic is usually along the lines of Bellum hiring Linebeck to kill people for him. Bellum is typically someone that provides Linebeck with things like payment or equipment or safety- in the Crimson King au, he gives Linebeck a fair amount of money, and supplies his equipment and gives him a place to live when he does jobs for him.
I like to imagine there's a level of... recognition? Not empathy, trying to keep that to a minimum... He's almost gentle with Linebeck, and is uncharacteristically merciful towards him. In post-ph, Linebeck survives being possessed and this marks him as notable to Bellum, since most people he possess die very soon after being released, so he's initially motivated by curiosity and a desire to observe Linebeck when he acts less violently- that curiosity is the biggest reason why he's cordial with Linebeck across my aus as well.
With Phantom Hourglass-centric stuff (which is what I'll mostly just talk about here, since it's kind of the 'base' for all other Bellum and Linebeck stuff I do), Linebeck and Bellum start on halfway decent terms, I'm planning a Bellumbeck fic sometime in the future, which is a bit less focused on that actual fight and more on whatever's going on between Linebeck and Bellum. I'm still trying to pin down exactly what I want with Linebeck and Bellum's dynamic.
I’ve fallen back into shipping them, (Still iffy on ship name lmfao, Bellumbeck is taken by the game and ‘Linebellum’ is lame imo, so I’ve been sticking with just ‘bellum x linebeck’) but it’s not really typically romantic/sexual, though there are some aspects of both, it’s still kind of abstract and easier to define with example stuff rather than just trying to explain it in a concise paragraph.
They both go out of their way to effectively research each other before properly meeting, starting as just trying to find advantageous information, but eventually just doing research out of curiosity, especially on Linebeck’s end, hunting down any material that so much as alludes to Bellum while Oshus refuses to say anything extra on the topic. They have a mutual interest and curiosity about each other.
With Bellum, its a similar curiosity with how Linebeck survives being possessed, and a general interest in him as a person, as Bellum doesn't really care much about the world beyond how it can serve him, but felt the need to look into Linebeck. A lot of the time, Bellum starts with the intention of exploiting Linebeck in some way, then ends up actually caring about him, he usually goes through variations of the same arc regarding Linebeck. It works with Linebeck for me since I tend to read and write him as fairly morally gray, so he's more willing to reciprocate Bellum.
(There's also the whole bit with Linebeck being kind of a monsterfucker and having a thing for being tied up and just a handful of like. sexual stuff on Linebeck's end, but we're talking about Bellum's perspective here we can't be focusing on Linebeck)
Bellum primarily operates with survival on the mind, and at odds with anything that might get in his way, and secondarily treats mortal creatures as something to study. When his attempt to use Linebeck fails, he shifts to that studying, and therefore has some respect for him due to his survival. They both focus quite a lot on survival, and don't have the most interest in making connections, seeing most relationships as transactional. They understand each other; Bellum sees Linebeck's mind when possessing him, and therefore knows a great deal about him.
There are similarities between them; not-great relationships with their fathers, a strong desire for survival at any cost, generally low empathy and a habit of mostly viewing others for how they can be used, curiosity about anatomy, a higher tolerance for things like blood, gore, things that would likely make others squeamish, they both hate Ciela...
(As an aside to that last one, an idea I've decided to integrate into my ph stuff and may touch on in a future fic is that Linebeck calling Ciela 'sparkles' gives her a strong sense of deja-vu before she gets all of her memories back; it's something Bellum would call her, when he was more cordial with the other spirits)
Bellum hangs around on the ship, and he hangs around Linebeck the most, to the point of being annoying, but learns what boundaries are and ends up respecting them decently. I lean more into... things just working out, Bellum more or less being put in a situation where he chooses to change things up and be a bit kinder, starting with the guy he's decided was the catalyst for all of this.
He gets along well enough with Damien (damien ends up in that shipping, too, considering that he's already dating linebeck by the time bellum sorts his own feelings out, so in post-ph, bellum ends up being a sort of on-and-off polycule member), he is eventually friendly with Link, often because Linebeck likes him as well. It takes a very long time for he and Link to warm up to each other, so they'll likely end up in situations where they must rely on each other at the start of things.
Bellum is… very not used to social stuff or acting human, and isn’t even very used to his human form at the start, so he does spend that time with Linebeck while he figures things out, as well. Linebeck's not the best role model for decent social interaction, especially since he works on dismantling his own mask and figuring himself out for a bit at the start of post-ph, but he's the only person Bellum tolerates and respects at that start.
Bellum eventually gets roped into helping Linebeck cook, follows him around for ship maintenance, watches him patch up wounds, and just ends up as a crew member that can kind of fill any basic role, but he’s not making it much further than swabbie.
I haven’t actually written a ton of interaction between them yet, but what I have written always comes off as casual, almost humorous, they joke around with each other and Bellum is detached and unserious at times, but very capable of switching to dead seriousness. A lot of the time, Linebeck tends to take things more seriously at face value, but Bellum is more prone to joking around due to the fact that very few consequences mean anything to him.
He and Linebeck are typically close in one sense or another in most things where they're included, and I generally consider all dynamics between them to fall under the ship umbrella, because I don't consider it strictly romantic (though it usually ends up being vaguely like that), just more that there's some kind of intimacy between them at some point. It's a relationship whose dynamic I think is interesting given the... lack of actual interaction between them, but with just enough interesting conclusions that can be drawn.
I guess it's similar to the general stuff I have about Bellum, kind of just scraping ideas together from canon and then following whatever threads can be connected to them, while trying to make sure it still has roots in that canon. It's similar to my personal 'design philosophy' or whatever for my aus.
I've also considered making their relationship parasitic in someway, as a sort of homage/callback/reference to their canonical relationship, but it's not entirely a direction I really want to go in, and I feel like some aus get decently close.
Final Points
I think Bellum's really neat, so considering the general lack of information or depth to him, I've been playing with expanded ideas and building up my own ideas for him, specific within the context of Phantom Hourglass and a post-ph setting, while many of my other ideas with him tend to then derive from that.
His (human) design is one I've spent a very long time figuring out, trying to mix his demon design in with more human traits, trying to keep him distinctive without getting too complicated, and trying to have that design represent him decently with a fair bit of reasoning behind a lot of that design. It's something Bellum himself controls to a certain degree, so it's in a bit of a crossroads between portraying him based on his character, and being something he uses to come off as generally innocuous.
I've got a decent idea of what Bellum's whole deal is in Phantom Hourglass and afterwards, and I use him in a fair number of aus, often in tangent with Linebeck, whom I often give him some kind of intimate relationship, be it romantic or some other form of closeness, based off of ideas for ways they would interact and why.
Bellum's fun! He's fun as he is, and he's fun to build off of and develop further than what we see in the game. And giving him the ability to shift into a humanoid shape gives even more room to play around in. I don't know when I first came up with the idea, but I've had ideas for a human form Bellum for quite some time now, I've just only recently really started solidifying a lot of it. Even between the time when I got the ask and finished it, I came up with new ideas.
But for now, these are the broad strokes! Not just about post-ph humanoid Bellum, just about my ideas for him in general, though it all really relates back to that one in particular, honestly.
He's surprisingly fun to speculate about! I didn't really expect Bellum to end up as one of my favorite LoZ characters, but I guess any character can end up as your favorite if you spend enough time thinking about him. At the end of the day I think he's funky, and he's fun to use in a post-ph setting.
#asks#goopi-e#bellum#long post#salty talks#linebeck#he's important <3#phantom hourglass#post ph#i have like no excuse for why this took so long. initially it was bc i was waiting on that bellum commission but then like#the day i wrote this (+ the prior) tag i bought and played fallout new vegas for a few hours. it fell in with my other writing projects lol#i think rn myb iggest issue w/ post ph is that everyone seems to revolve around linebeck a bit much#idk if thats. terrible a breaker i mean hes their captain hes kinda the main character he's the one link (heh) between all of them#bellum probably has the biggest arc bc hes the shittiest at the start and everyone is already kinda partway through one#like i think links is gonna be abt him disconnecting from being a hero and just enjoying life on his own terms and doing non hero things#linebecks is uh. trauma recovery. among other things. like everyone has trauma recovery as a part of it but linebecks is the big one#damiens is... man idk hes just There i think his is gonna have smth to do with his relationship w/ linebeck and the others#damien is just some fucking dude hes not too terribly traumatized or has this huge place in the world he's jsut some trans guy#it kinda sucks that a lot of the stuff i think up for him relates to linebeck like i want him to have his own thing but i made him too...#hes too ok with things!!!!! hes just some fucking guy!!!! maybe i can have him just figure out his place in this larger world hes exploring#anyways bellum needs to be nerfed in a handful of different ways bc otherwise hes a get out of jail free card in a lot of contexts#ughhh this took too long im sorry but i just kept coming up with new stuff id practically classify this as a fic#this took a while to plan and this fucking thing is also so long and it still doesnt really cover everything#not even bc i havent fully figured out what i want to do with him like theres just stuff im uncertain on how to explain in a concise manner#the whole thing between link n bellum is kinda simple. they hate each other and then have to work together and decide that theyre decent#damien is just. pleasant most of the time. so hes kinda chill with bellum. he's had experience with minor gods n deities#his weird thing is that he is technically normal but he is on good terms with a lot of supernatural/godly beings#theres def a lot of random minor gods n spirits n supernatural creatures all over the great sea with the absence of larger gods' influence#kinda lost the point of the og ask so i hope thats ok
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bandtrees · 1 year
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“My only hope is for one word. A simple, trivial word from a certain person…”
bungou stray dogs is an anime that iv had a fondness for since like..2018. but only now am i doing fanart for it, as iv gotten back into it via a rewatch with my friend ^_^ akutagawa was my favorite character as a mentally ill 15 year old and continues to be my favorite character as a mentally ill 20 year old
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orbdotexe · 1 day
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Under pressure and request from both Osiris and Shin Malphur, Drifter seeks out the Young Wolf early in their exile. He's not sure he'd say it went well, but it certainly could've gone much, much worse. And hey; Shin was right, new friends are new friends. Alternatively: Two rogue Guardians play horse plinko with each other before agreeing to an exchange of favors.
I finally did it- A Questionably Fortunate Encounter's rewrite. I have no idea how I got the motivation to finish this, it wasn't even half done when I picked it back up, but here it is in time for TFE's (concept's) 2nd birthday! I am significantly happier with this than the original, you have no idea. It wasn't even a thousand words and now it's like 20 words from being 2k, and overall? Everything just has more character + an extra page of interaction and the end note being from Ghost instead of Drifter. and being accurate to more story details! I kept a lot of the parts i thought were funny tho, if moved them around-
[old ver. ao3] --- [new ver. ao3] (soon)
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The Sundial. A ballsy idea from a mad warlock.
Knocking a few times on the side, he can’t help the chills down his spine at the whispers ringing in his ears.  “If you short-circuit the universe, you’re on your own.” He snips, his already uneasy grin wavering.
“If I make a mistake here, you might cease to exist,” the old Warlock says simply, though there’s a questioning edge to it.
Drifter only shrugs. “Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad.”
Osiris squints at him as Drifter moves around the machine, checking the stability. “We haven’t talked about payment.” 
Drifter’s grin smooths out some, sly now. “If you live through this little experiment, you can be sure I’ll be back to collect.”
A simple ‘hm’ is the only response he gets for a few seconds, before Osiris starts again.
“There’s a Guardian you should meet.”
“Yeah, yeah, so I’ve heard. Some bigshot—Can’t wait.”
"Drifter."
The Warlock and that old Hunter had their points—The Young Wolf needed people on their side, and it's not like Drifter couldn't use the opportunity. He figured, if worst comes to worst, just say Osiris sent him. It seemed the best bet; he heard the two of them had been on good terms, and Osiris wouldn’t have sent him without reason.
This was, regardless, a horrible idea.
Which was very quickly weighing him down as he waited just inside their most recent hideout; a willing, sitting duck in the path of a hellhound. Then again, Shin would be waiting for him, just the same, to see if he really went through with it. A rock and a hard place, if both were unmovable walls.
Eventually, the Kingbreaker did show up—and they looked pissed—but they didn't seem to quite notice him, yet. 
Their Ghost, on the other hand, had stopped at the door, and was switching between glaring at him, and watching its Guardian. It was a bare hope, but he almost prayed for the Little Light to let the Guardian notice him by themself—for what good it would do.
Drifter had to admit, though, they looked like Hell—In both the shit way and the eternal punishment way—And he'd quite like to keep them from being his punishment, thanks.
They were never in the same place for long, constantly tapping their fingers or wringing their hands. He'd almost call it a nervous habit; if the jerky, almost corpse-twitching movements didn't make him feel like they'd pounce on him at any given moment. It gave the distinct impression of a Taken, a fact he took no comfort in. He had told Shin they would be unpredictable, but recordings didn’t capture just how much.
The Guardian’s posture was rather slumped, in spite of their twitchiness, but he was rather certain he was a pinch taller than them; though it could be their hunch. That dead-eyed and bone-deep tiredness that seeped off of them… The Guardian stumbled whenever they walked, off-balance. Injured, maybe.
They looked as unstable on their feet as he imagined they were mentally.
He rapped his fingers on the tabletop he was leaning against, a slight knot in his stomach building on the question of ‘How to get their attention without getting pinned as a threat?’
Questionably fortunate enough, and probably should’ve been expected; the tapping made them pause, and he'd almost compare the frozen movement to their namesake freezing to listen. They nearly looked like they'd been caught doing something they shouldn't be, or as if a sudden red dot (or dozen) had appeared on their chest. 
The Young Wolf then snapped to look at him, eyes narrowed and hand beginning to raise to their sword. Their Ghost noticed, and took it as a sign to speak up; "What do you think you’re doing here? Who are you?" For being the Ghost of an exile, its voice was strikingly uptight. Drifter had expected an edge to the voice, but not for it to be pedant.
"Mind your business, Ghost," he drawled. Their head jolted up a fraction. "Just want a talk with your Guardian, is all-"
Their Ghost flicked back a bit, only to be replaced by its Guardian stepping up close to him. Well… he got their attention, at least.
His gut twisted in knots as the seconds passed like that—far, far too close for comfort. "How about we just… back up for a moment, yeah? Think this all through?" Like he hadn’t. He should have told that Warlock and Shin to shove their requests back down their throats.
The Guardian tilted their head, the action more unnerving than anything else, reminding Drifter of a certain other Hunter, and he was unsure if it was an acknowledgement or a threat. They refused to look anywhere but his eyes, and he swore they leaned a bit closer.
He raises his hands to push them back a bit, but thinks better of touching them. He opts to just slide back a bit, instead– except they match his step. He does not take another one. That definitely wasn't good.
"I'll ask again: Who are you?" The Ghost hovers over its Guardian’s shoulder as they tilt their head to allow it to take the center of Drifter’s vision. Their dynamic is clear, but he tries to focus on them.
"Your old man Osiris didn't mention me?” Drifter tries to say, “I’m hurt–”
"You will be hurt–" the Ghost starts, just as the Guardian grips his collar. There’s a moment the Drifter is almost certain they were going to slam him into the wall.
"Alright, alright—” he tries to interrupt, “Just back up.”
It takes them a moment, and a couple glances between him and the Ghost, but they do back up, if not letting go of his collar. He tries to quietly let out the breath he’d been holding, nerves a bit strung. Their emotions are as on-a-dime as he thought. Damn this plan. The Ghost eyes him expectantly.
"You can call me Drifter; I run a little… operation outta the Tower." Their face somehow pulls even further in a grimace. “Now, I know how that sounds, but I’m not working with the Vanguard—Trust. Wouldn’t be here if I was: Heard about your… dislike of ‘em.”
He gives them a grin when they don’t make another move, though not optimistic. Watching every little change in their expression doesn’t give him much hope, either, given the hard line in their brow now. 
"That old Phoenix of yours pointed me your way, and I figured we both could make use of the others'... skills. I've got the connections, and you've guts enough to attack your own–”
The Drifter hardly has time to blink before his back is against the wall again, this time with a knife to his throat, sharp eyes glaring down at him—So it's like that. Osiris might've downplayed the sore spot; Drifter can’t even get away with a tease. He’s good at pushing buttons, but their reservations broke immediately.
He counts by the seconds as the Young Wolf silently dares him to say it again. 
While he decidedly opts not to and tries to think of a way to de-escalate his mistake, he has… an inane thought: They’re taller than him… Not by too much, but the thought gives him an idea potentially worse than even the meeting itself was; something mischievous glinting in his eye and, as an added bonus, giving the Guardian pause.
"...Kinky." Feeling their hold loosen somewhat and seeing their brow twitch, Drifter pushes the joke with a sly grin and a cant to the side. “I didn’t realize you swung like that, Killer…”
Drifter’s eyes flick towards the Ghost at the undoubtably horrified, near-static chiming it makes as it rapidly recoils. “Are you… trying to flirt your way out of this–”
The Guardian’s expression seems of someone entirely bewildered by a puzzle in front of them. As they loosened their hold in what he could only assume was disbelief, Drifter had to stop himself from laughing—in relief, at the absurdity, or at their reaction.
“Nahh… Just seizing an opportunity, you’d understand,” he says, as nonchalantly as he can manage. There’s a moment of silence, the Guardian and their Ghost both searching his face, and it's everything he can do not to break—Either into a sweat or into a fit of laughter.
"...what the hell is wrong with you?" is the only response he got from the Ghost, the top fold of its shell covering half its eye. Drifter can only assume it's meant to be a mimicry of a dead-stare.
"Many things!” He gives a toothy grin that splits his face as he chuckles, “Next question."
The Ghost makes a show of rolling its eye, while the Guardian still looks like their mind has shattered, eyes seeming to search the wall through him for answers. The Ghost seems to take notice of its Guardian’s… inoperable state, and pipes up again, terse, “So what do you want?”
He’s really going to have to cut a deal with the Ghost, instead, isn’t he? As Drifter slowly tugs the Guardian’s hand from his collar—which they thankfully do not resist—he gives the Ghost the greasiest side-eye he can manage. “Well, as I was saying before your Guardian interrupted me,” it mimics narrowing its eye as he speaks. “I hear you two need friends, and, well, I’m always looking for more of those.”
“Just get to the point,” the Ghost pushes, tone flat. The Guardian seems to only vaguely be paying attention.
“Them and I could both use the support, so I suggest an… exchange.”
“An exchange? What is that– You mean, glimmer?” The Ghost interrupts itself with flicking its shell around itself and letting out a short chirr. “Information? We have nothing you’d want in that.”
“Nah, I don’t want any of that. If anything, I’m offering—You two just gotta do some favors for me in return. How’s that sound?” At the mention of favors, the Guardian refocuses; eyes widening some before narrowing and scanning him in search of some catch. “Just a job or two; you scratch my back, I scratch yours, yeah? Nothing you wouldn’t already do, of course.”
At the skeptical, almost blank looks from both of them, Drifter’s grin tightens some. “Favor for favor make sense to you?” He’s tempted to ask if they’ve got cotton in their ears. The pair take a long glance at each other, and he can only see the slight twitching in both’s expressions. 
“...And how do we know we can trust you?” Finally comes an answer, again from the Ghost, but one that’s more assuring than it probably should be.
“Your old man asked me here, didn’t I say? I wouldn't risk this without a good word.” That, or without Shin over his shoulder. He turns his eye back to its Guardian and offers them a hand, “So, whaddya say? Give it a shot, hotshot?”
The Ghost trills in some semblance of worry as the Guardian cautiously eyes him and his hand, body canted away from him, before hesitantly taking his hand. Their hold is slight and feels like they would rather writhe away from him, but they hold just long enough to shake his hand.
“Heyy, don’t be like that, now. Friends take care of friends, yeah? Trust.” The Guardian grimaces at his words. Maybe that odd adage of insects had a bit more truth to it than he realized. 
They’re more scared of you than you are of them?
Hours later, the Drifter far gone, and his Guardian was still kind of distracted. Honestly, Ghost would be lying if he said he wasn’t mind-broke by that as well. Who, in any sane state of mind, would do any of that? Sneak into an ill exile’s hideout, startle and piss them off, and then try to make a deal? 
And why did it… actually work?
Ghost must be losing it.
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deus-ex-mona · 5 months
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it’s that time of week again…
#and M A N today’s getsuyoubi was extra yuuutsu#first i dropped 2 cup things filled with water. cool. a mess was made. nice.#t h e n my workstation shook by itself and one of the cup things toppled down again. only it was filled with (diluted) acid this time!!!!#i wish it fell onto me bc at l e a s t my bad day would’ve ended with just an acid burn instead of getting worse#bc *then* we found out that we were near-out of [insert reagent here] that we need to run blanks for [test thing] yay!!!!! joy!!!!!!!!!#so we had to use a substitute solvent (sadge)#if only it ended there aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#i left work on time -> waited forever for the delayed bus -> decided to get some coffee or sth as a pick me up t h e n…#the coffee place happened to run out of single bags so i decided to put it into my bag instead (mistake)…#…a n d dropped my phone while trying to prop the stupid drink upright so it wouldn’t spill.#unfortunately for me though... some rando picked up my phone some time within the 30s-1 min wherein i realised that my phone was gone…#…and took it home with him instead of handing it to the customer service counter at the nearby train stations. ha.#called my phone a couple of times with the phone from a customer service counter but he~~ didn’t~~ pick up~~~~~~~~~#and so. long story short. i had to leave the house an extra time to go to this guy’s place to pick up my bb (read: my phone)#bc the dude~~~ can’t~~~~ speak~~~ english~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ so he didn’t understand me when i told him my location~~~~~~~#and now it’s almost 8.30 in the pm. im waiting for the delayed bus to go home from wherever tf i am now. and i haven’t eaten all day :))))#(aside from a small cake thing but it’s negligible tbh)#aND HOLY FK I HATE THIS I FLAGGED DOWN THE BUS BUT IT SKIPPED THE STOP HELP ME I JUST WANNA GO HOME#.am i allowed to cry yet. i. just. i just wanna eat my dinner.#…come to think of it my drink ended up spilling in my bag while i was hunting for my phone. so. there’s that to clean up ig.#ughhhhhhhhh i wish that guy had just left my phone where he found it. s o b s#so yeah. if you read this i hope you had a good monday at least…#this truly is my ✨t r a g i c c o m e d y✨
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drewsaturday · 3 months
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slightly mean little fandom rant that may not be very coherent because i am admittedly in a state of disorientation but like. anon is off so it's not like i'll have to experience consequences if i misspeak.
i hate being in that weird space of not having any new fandoms that have good communities, but any newer communities for my older fandoms are just insufferable to me because... we've already had these exact conversations about 7.2 times each by now minimum, whether it's discourse-related or just a silly headcanon, and it causes the only contributions i can actually make to be combative because i'm tired and these lengthy conversations are unnecessary to have for Me to come to the Right Conclusions.
and then i become insufferable as a result because i am just as annoyed by everyone else's earlier stage of fandom development, which they can't help, as they probably are at me and my comparatively elder fan jadedness because the repetitiveness of these experiences just is not hitting in the ways i need my fandom experiences to hit rn, where i'd ideally get to grow with people on similar levels as me?
it's like you guys are in kindergarten and i am a college freshman looking to advance the stuff i've already spent years building, so it would be mean of me to say "you are all so stupid" instead of appreciating your new enthusiasm at the world and its possibilities but god. we are not the same. and finding people who are the same, at least for those older fandoms, is a rough time because the amount of people who stick with a thing as long as you have is going to dwindle year after year if you've even had a slightly comparable starting point in the first place.
it would just be easier if i could join new communities for shows as they drop but... i'm either not into anything popular enough to have other fans at all in fanon environments, they are TOO popular and so i can't really connect to anyone, or binge watch culture makes community impossible to form at all... OR i am the annoying new fan that is as insufferable as the older fans and there are no other new fans around to match that energy either.
obviously the solution really is just dragging pre-existing friends into things as much as you can but... sometimes i just miss the lightning in a bottle novelty of being able to join a space at its beginning where everyone is about at that same level looking to hang out with other fans and make friends for a few years until you all exhaust that magic and hope you find another lucky place to plant some roots.
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Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.
It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.
#Hhhhhhngh#for three weeks I’ve been doing this#I’ve had all the time in the world#and I have a sneaking suspicion that I’m doing this out of a subconscious desire to prove to myself that I’m actually fucked up in the head#Which is already proof enough that I have that desire in the first place; but I keep going because it’s not enough#I only ever feel like I need care when I’m at my absolute worst#And suddenly after being so exhausted that I fell asleep at 7:00 some days; I’m staying up until 2:30 AM and waking up at 8:00???#and I feel fine and perfectly awake; but still can’t manage to get myself out of bed until 10:00 because Comfy#I sit and I read for an hour; then I go on my phone and emerge at 5:00 PM#If I go in the bathroom it takes forever to get back out because I end up talking to myself in the mirror about god knows what#I feel like I need some kind of… idk… very strong stimulant in me so I can actually care about things#not that stimulants work like that; but I need to have some kind of catastrophic life event… to get beaten up or something#something to put pure fear and concern in my veins#It is summer and there is almost no chance of me getting kicked or catching a football in the wrong place#and I don’t have to run right now either#I could do something#I know how#But even that is a damned if you do damned if you don’t situation; because that ALSO makes me not want to do things#At least then I’d have a palpable (literally) excuse but uh…. I’m still kind of getting over the last time#I am on my phone all day and I recognize that’s bad; but the thing I need to do is to send an email… which is on my phone; so there’s that#hypocritical#idk there’s something about using limited supplies to deal with a problem that needs more and hoping for the best#it excites me#Makes me feel like a big boy who can handle serious situations#But if I create the problem then it means nothing except that I cannot handle problems at all#I should not have all the responsibilities I do because I am not entirely in my right mind#I am thinking about it though#It’s tempting#get behind me satan
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brittlebutch · 4 days
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i need to go missing in the woods for a few days
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tonariofjananda · 1 year
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Good night, sweet prince.
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Based off @alphaofdarkness ‘s Wing! AU
#Bonchien Nicoli La Tasty Peach Uralis#Bonchien#my art#To Your Eternity#Fumetsu No Anata E#To You The Immortal#AHHHHHH didn’t get a chance to cross post this cuz I was at a 3 hour movie lol waaaaaaah!!! I been thinking bout him all day!!!#actually it’s kind of fitting to post this rn it’s nightime where I’m at#anyway#I would have lined and/or colored this in (that was the plan actually) but I fell in love with how soft it was#like I was gonna draw him with his full armor too but I realized belatedly I didn’t want to figure out how that would work with his wings 😭#and so I left him shirtless and drew some closed eyes as placeholders and then on a whim I gave him a pillow#and it became this soft thing!!!! 😭❤️ like he got tuckered out halfway through taking off his armor and just conked out :’O#I’m just sooo quietly in love with this… it was gonna be a little more silly/‘sexy’ so idk how this even happened lol#ANYWAY. I’d talk more about this art#BUT THIS AU GRIPPED ME BY THE HAIR AND WOULD NOT LET GO it’s so fun and I’m just AHHHH#like March AND Eko’s Itty bitty baby wings ;0; and Messar having the most preened wings#Messar 100% has a full care routine in place for those wings and I KNOW he’ll never admit it#GUGU’S BEING FIREPROOOOOOFFFF which I feel also adds an extra layer to when he and Kai wrap their wings around the whole group#like!!!! they’re extra safe!!!!!!!!!!!#and Tonari’s POISON COAT GGRRRR IM GOING FERAL but also like I’m thinking of that one scene from the movie Holes#where the lady paints her nails with poison and I’m just imagining Tonari plucking one of her own wings to write with whenever she needs to#like it’s an inconspicuous weapon too like she’s writing and next second WHAM feather to the throat 😩❤️#HAIRO’S THO. THAT ONE WAS INSPIRED. It hurts my heart that he has a complicated relationship with his wings but it’s so beautiful like#he has a disability!!! he now works harder to use his wings than anyone else!!!!!#and it’s kinda nice in a way cuz I feel like this could be a way for him and Eko to bond#since they both have had trouble with flying and whatnot#given her having a few wings that are smaller than the other like I kinda like the idea of him taking out Eko and March to practice flying#… gosh Kai and Gugu wrapping their wings around anyone I didn’t mean to circle back to this#but wow this AU has my whole heart Alpha I love it!!!
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