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syuga-s · 3 years

Text

The Last Time

w.c 4.3k

pairing. Jooheon x gn!reader

genre. angst, a little fluff maybe, idk how to classify it but it's my take on relationships in real life(?)

a/n. (warnings) I throw some curses here and there, mention of the word "sex" once, tried to make it as gender-neutral as possible, I could really use some help about t/w, feedback is more than welcome, hope you like the fic 🧍‍♀️

Once again you were at the same bar. With the same friends. Same music. Same drinks. It's safe to say that nothing's changed in here but you.

For some reason, you were awfully quiet tonight. Everyone was away from the table by now. All of them talking and dancing in groups.

You were regretting saying yes to going out the very moment Jasmine was at your front door. But your best friend really wanted to get you out of your house.

The thing is you weren’t going to be alone, all of your friends were tagging along. I guess I need to suck it up, maybe I could have fun, despite him.

And you really tried, there was no need to make a scene anymore. All of your friends have had their fair share of nights seeing you 'talk' with him and making things awkward for everyone. It's been a while, though. You haven't seen him in exactly 2 years.

How do I explain this? There's no resentment anymore, no hate for what happened between you. But when there's a choice between spending your Friday night at the same place as him or staying at home? Well...

But tonight was clearly different. Something (Jasmine) had dragged you here and to be quite honest, it hasn’t been half bad yet. Jasmine kept waiting for you to get up from your chair to come and chat with Jackson and Changkyun. Her all-time crush and his best friend.

"In a sec!! Just let me finish this drink!" You said while you showed her your glass. She quickly nodded and turned to keep talking with those two. You have to remember to thank them later for keeping her entertained because if it weren't for them cracking jokes every single second, she wouldn't have let you off the hook that easily.

Meanwhile, you decided to get a little lost in your head. Laughing to yourself because you were feeling like having a main character moment. Being the only one sat down in a place full of people. The mysterious persona drinking by themselves.

But that didn't last long.

"Mind if I sit here?" You shook your head. He put his drink next to yours and asked, "How are you?" And it somehow felt like you couldn’t have avoided this exact situation.

You released a breath that you didn't even know you were holding. "I'm sitting Jooheon, drinking… existing, you?" He forced himself to smile. Trying to hide the fact that he was still feeling uneasy around you. Nonetheless, showing you the dimples that you used to love so much.

“I can see that”, he paused, "it's been a lot since I last saw you, you look different".

You hummed softly, finally making eye contact with him. "So you expected for me to look the same?" You surely weren't going to pass up the opportunity to be passive-aggressive to him.

It still makes you happy to know that he has never minded this side of you.

"I'm teasing, I guess we both look different, it's been what? Two years?"

"I'm not sure, but it feels like a lot" He took a sip of his drink and started to fidget with the glass. Maybe you're not the only one that's changed after all.

In the two years, you were together, you never saw him like this. But let's remember the fact that you never fully knew him back then. It just feels weird to see him this anxious. Especially with you.

"I've wanted to reach out to you for a while now," You frowned at his words. "Guess I lacked a little courage" He let out an airy laugh. "I really want to talk to you".

Now it was your turn to feel tense. What is this supposed to mean? How long has he been wanting to talk? And talk about what?

You tilted your head and opened your mouth to ask him all this, but he didn't give you the chance to get the words out.

"Before you say something, please believe me I just wanna talk", "but not in here”.

"Alright then, where do you suggest we ‘talk’ Jooheon?” He took his phone out to check the time. 10:44 p.m. He pursed his lips and said, more like hesitating, "I could walk you home?"

You stared off into your group of friends. This was going to make their night interesting. Seeing you two go together again, just like all those times before.

Jooheon's been waiting for this since he saw on your social media that you were leaving the city. And Jasmine took care of letting him know that you would be coming back in about 6 months.

That was a year ago. More than 365 days waiting to be in the same room with you. Praying that you would let him talk to you. Not that you would reject him. But he was scared, he was perfectly aware he messed up everything.

As you were both saying goodbyes to your friends, you started to think about how everything had ended between you two.

You know what? Yes, maybe I was wrong in ghosting him but after all, I don't owe him anything. Just like he threw me out of his life two years ago. We didn't work out, he never communicated with me. He didn't choose me back. I just had to watch him get rid of me, no explanations, no nothing. And I find it really hard to believe that he's been dying to talk to me. What could be so important that he wants to have a proper conversation? How will I explain to him that I stopped replying for no particular reason? That I just realized that we weren't good together, and I had to let go of him? Should I tell him that no matter my hard feelings, I still thought about him constantly?

You had left each other in the cold back then.

He called your name, and you snapped back to reality. Didn't even realize you were already outside of the bar when he softly asked you, "aren't you cold?"

You smirked and told him "Well yeah, walking back home in this weather wasn't in my plans dummy, but I didn't bring a jacket though".

He used to be so attentive to you. One of the other things you used to love about him. Always concerned about you.

He simply put his jacket around you and started walking before you could complain about something as simple as this. Like you always did.

It feels nice to know that someone in this world knows you to this extent. The way you’ll react to simple things. How can you still love someone despite knowing that you don’t work together?

You realized he still has this jacket. It's the same one he gave me the first night we spent together. Why do I have to remember this now? Not fair. Maybe he wore it on purpose.

You gave a little run to catch him. Now that you were by his side, you were getting impatient, "Can you please start talking? I'm intrigued by all your seriousness".

You were kind of hating this feeling. Everything about him felt familiar. Suddenly, you wanted to cling your arm to his but thought twice about it.

He chuckled. "Well it's not super serious, I want us to have a nice conversation, you know?" You snorted at this, what does a nice talk mean?

"I can be nice, as long as you tell me WHAT you wanna talk about…", "come on Jooheon, just get to the point".

"Okay!! OKAY… I-" he took a deep breath and continued, "First of all, I want to apologize to you for everything, then I want us to talk about what happened between us if that's okay with you?"

You'd be lying if you didn't say that you wanted this to happen since you drew apart the first time. You always dreamt of having an adult conversation with him.

But the dream left your mind bit by bit. Just like your heart got itself back together after he left you, piece by piece.

Overwhelmed, you could only stare straight ahead into the street. He called your name again. Now your eyes were on his, and you could see his concerns. How his mind was going miles per hour, just like yours.

"I want to apologize too,” you smiled and finally let yourself link arms with him. “It’s gonna take us a while, isn’t it?”.

The walk to your apartment took around 15 minutes. The words you exchanged with Jooheon were kept to a minimum. You weren’t gonna get into the heavy stuff right there in the street.

When you finally arrived, you gave him back his jacket. It was gonna get uncomfortable to talk with him with a piece of clothing that made you remember too much.

“Want something to drink? I have a beer, wine, you name it”. He sat on your couch while you searched for something non-alcoholic in your little fridge. “A beer would be okay”.

You got yourself some water. Otherwise, your head would be fuzzy, and wouldn’t be able to tell him all you’ve had on your mind for years.

You handed him the bottle, and you took your seat on the carpet. Your mind wandered off to the last time he was in here.

When he told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did. You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’, for you.

You remembered how your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment.

He took a swig of his drink and by the time he put the bottle on your little coffee table, it made you realize he was sitting right there, in front of you.

Finally, gathering the courage to start telling you what was on his mind. “I never thought I’d get the chance to talk to you again”.

I didn’t think so, either. We both fucked up multiple times.

──────────────────────

You were never a couple. After 5 years, you never understood what had lacked between you. The desire was there. Now and then you had your moments of happiness. Usually on the weekends.

When you met, you weren’t looking for love or a serious relationship. At least one of you.

Jooheon was free, like the wind or like a bird. He flew back and forth and once in a while he needed to land somewhere for a while. Every so often he sought another fire, another bed, other arms that weren’t yours.

The time came when he made you feel a million things inside. Overwhelmed with words and emotions, mostly love. But also turmoil and maybe desperation.

It made you happy that he made you feel so much after being empty for months. You felt different with him. It was the kind of love you didn’t know you had in you. Didn’t even think it was possible to express about someone like this. Until him.

You didn’t need anyone else. You just needed Jooheon. Not only that, but you didn’t care for how long your love would last because you believed that the meaning of the word love was what you had built together.

A few hours together. Every so often the whole night.

But when the morning came, the nightmare started to take form. Texts at inappropriate hours, and even unanswered messages.

You started thinking that you didn’t know better. You started feeling insecure. Replaceable. Maybe he knows better than to be with me.

Desperate to know what you had. But afraid that you would ruin everything with the words “What are we?”.

Tried to convince yourself that all of this was okay. That it was a good thing that you were going slow, giving him the chance to open up to you.

Months kept passing and your trust in him was running thin. He made you feel weird on the daily. Wondering if he was seeing someone else. If he danced with someone tonight. Had they kissed? Is he having sex with someone who isn’t me? What if he’s tired of me?

You wanted to be with him, but It was starting to hurt.

I hate that when I try to get myself to think that I don’t like you anymore… you do these little things that make me love you.

When you were together, he treated you like there was no one else for him. His hand was always wrapped up in yours. Talking until dawn, about college, his family, and your relationship. Those times, you couldn’t lie to yourself about your feelings.

He was the only face you could see in the world. The only guy you’ve ever wanted to keep around. But how did we get to this point?

The day you told him you were starting to fall in love with him, all he could reply was, “I don’t know what to say, I never thought you would be in love with me”.

“That’s all you have to say?”

“Well what do you want me to say? You took me by surprise”.

“You could tell me how you feel. I’m not expecting for you to tell me you love me back, I-“

There’s no return now, you have to keep talking.

“I’m just tired of not knowing what’s in your head, I’m not sure if you want to have something with me anymore, it’s okay if you don’t so, just be honest with me”.

“I like you”. You stayed quiet after hearing this, urging him to tell you more than just three words.

“I mean, of course, I’m attracted to you”.

At that moment, you liked what you heard. But the more you thought about it, you realized that he didn’t actually care for you, or loved you. Maybe that was a greedy thought from you. Maybe you expected too much.

You were angry but mostly angry at yourself.

Why are you still waiting for him? It's been years and nothing has happened between you. Nothing ever will at this point.

You ended up telling him not to bother you again, that if this was his way of ‘loving’ you, you were better off without it.

But that was a lie, you longed for your phone to show his name, even if it was at 5 A.M. Still thinking that there was no other way to love someone.

Unable to put an end to it, months kept passing and nothing changed between you. Jooheon had many others, and you only had him.

You loved spending nights like this by his side, watching him sleep, wondering for hours about you two. Unable to explain how you could love him this much.

Maybe he did love you, but you can’t handle this kind of love anymore. It’s better for both of you to end this, whatever it was because it's driving you crazy. And you meant it this time.

Jooheon told you goodnight and planted a soft kiss on your lips like he always did.

You knew it wasn’t a simple ‘good night’ for you, this was the last time you were gonna let him in. Your eyes followed him until he closed the door of your apartment. Fighting back your tears while softly saying to yourself, “I’m always going to love you…”.

The texts at 5 A.M. came again, but this time there was no answer. Jooheon started calling and sending texts for days, but you didn’t reply. All your efforts in disappearing from him on social media weren’t stopping him.

He met someone else, yet the texts wouldn’t stop. Until one day they did.

Now and then your curiosity would get the best of you and you would see his Instagram stories with her. An older girl you had met once. They were supposed to be friends.

You wanted to avoid comparing yourself to her but, he never posted something with you. It’s a dumb thing to worry about, but it’s one of those things that sometimes matter.

You tried to understand the whole situation. Accept the fact that you two weren’t meant to be. That he didn’t see a future with you.

Your days stopped revolving around him. You focused your time on getting your degree, learning another language, going out with your friends. Even tried meeting new people.

There were a few here and there. No one was enough for you.

Your ideas of love and relationships were different now. You gave another meaning to the word love. You wanted to find someone who would love you and take care of you. A quiet kind of love, real love.

What you had with Jooheon, was something you never wanted to experience again. Days went by, even months until you saw each other once more; for the first time in Jooheon’s life, he felt a knot in his stomach, he knew he lost you, for good this time.

Months passed and Jooheon left his girlfriend. He now felt different because he looked for you in everyone, yet he couldn’t find you, and he felt empty.

He cursed himself a thousand times for not knowing how to appreciate you and the love you gave him for two whole years. Tears finally fell from his eyes, he couldn’t believe he was crying for someone, crying for love, crying for you.

He took his phone out, swallowed hard, and started typing another text.

“I miss you, and I need you with me now and always, I never thought I would say this, but I’m not happy without you. Maybe I should’ve loved you less and loved you better, I just want you to know that I’ll always be waiting for you my sweet y/n…”

But the message was never delivered. You had changed your number.

It made sense that you would do that someday. It’s been too long, but this didn’t stop him from sending you texts in the middle of the night. When he felt the overwhelming need to have his arms wrapped around you.

──────────────────────

I still love you

(9:05 p.m.)

no, I don’t

(9:06 p.m.)

I’m confused why did this happen

(2:26 a.m.)

I want you to be happy, if this is what it takes then I’m okay with it. be happy. for me. please.

(10:45 a.m.)

I kind of hate you for changing your number

(8:57 p.m.)

I’m sorry

(1:43 a.m.)

maybe if I wasn’t so fucked up this wouldn’t have happened

(3:37 a.m.)

why can’t things be like they were before

(10:13 a.m.)

please come back to me. I need you. You need me

(1:58 a.m.)

I still want you

(4:06 a.m.)

──────────────────────

The day you left town was the day he swore to himself to try his best to get another chance to talk to you, just once more. To make things right, not caring anymore about his pride. He just wanted to let you know everything he didn’t say when you were by his side.

That he was sorry that it took him too long to acknowledge he was wrong. That he knew he was a little too late and wishes that he could say something more meaningful than a simple “I want you back”.

──────────────────────

“I wonder why” You smirked at him.

The more you kept making eye contact, the more you realized you didn’t feel any kind of resentment anymore. You both had grown, and while you didn’t actually need this kind of closure, you figured this was the healthiest moment to do so.

His eyes were avoiding you now, his smile was still there, but you could tell he lost a bit of his confidence. “Okay, so I’m gonna talk first, please just hear me out. I want to rip the band-aid,” He said with a forced laugh.

“I don’t know why I could never tell you that love scares me. That it scares me to be attached to someone”. His tone was soft now.

“I still play in my head the day you told me you were falling in love with me. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you not to tell me those things because you could have changed your mind any moment”.

“I never told you how I felt one of the many nights you spent with me. You were stroking my hair and I seriously felt like crying because I was fucking scared”.

“I was scared to lose you”.

“I’m sorry because I know I made you think I didn’t want you for something serious. I’m sorry for being immature”.

“I look at you now, and I’m happy to get to see you like this. You’re still everything I’ve ever wished for and more. You need to know that nothing compares to you”.

“And believe me, I don’t expect you to take my words as a way of asking you for another chance, I know I don’t deserve it… but I would really love it if you could let me show you I could love you better this time”.

You never imagined these words coming out of his mouth. Couldn’t believe how he was looking at you. Hopeful but understanding at your loss for words.

“Can I ask you one last thing?” His voice was barely audible, but you nodded at him.

“Well, maybe it’s not an actual question, but I’d like to know why you stopped talking to me”.

“Look Jooheon, I don’t know how everything I wanna say will come out, so please bear with me”.

You didn’t know where to start, either.

There were so many things to be said that you were getting nervous to start talking. Because once you opened your mouth, you didn’t know if you would be able to piece everything together.

“When everything ended I really wanted to hate you, everyone around me hated you,” you admitted to him, “except for me and I hated that”.

“I knew that all I could be able to do was cut you from my life, so I just decided to stop talking to you”.

It may sound harsh, but it’s the truth. “I admit it was a poor way of handling things, and I’m sorry for that”.

You’ve always been scared of having this type of conversation.

You let out a sigh because you never thought that the following words were gonna come out of your mouth, ever.

“I’ve only been in love once in my life, and that was when I was with you”.

“It used to frustrate me that I wasn’t able to make it work with anyone after you. I couldn’t help but compare everyone to you”.

“I swore to myself that I never wanted to go through the same thing we had, maybe because those memories are yours and I don't want anyone else messing that up, you made me feel so safe, I felt alive with you, nothing could stop me when I had you”.   “You've been the only one I've ever wanted to see every day, no matter the hour or how busy I was, I truly wanted everything with you”.

You hadn’t noticed how he had been looking at you this entire time. He couldn’t believe that you used to feel that way about him. Still couldn’t wrap his head around hearing you say how you loved him.

You quickly wiped a tiny little tear that escaped your eye, hoping we wouldn’t notice. But he did.

You let out a nervous laugh and said, “I’m not sad, I swear, It’s just that I never thought I would say all this out loud, especially to you”.

“You don't know how many times I wanted to call you, run to you”.

“Last year before I left I wanted to see you, I kept trying to convince myself that It didn't have to mean anything, that I was just desperate for any physical touch, but from time to time, I wonder if what I really needed was just you”.

He didn’t say anything. So you just said his name out loud. “Jooheon…” Followed by a long pause.

“I feel so different now”.

“When I was far away from you, I realized that I need someone who isn’t absent when it comes to me, someone that isn’t a ghost in my life”.

While you were talking, you were watching his every move and how he couldn’t stop playing with his rings. You’re still not used to seeing him act like this.

“At this point, I want someone who will take care of me, that makes me feel safe. Someone who wants to be with me because they love me, and they love to have me next to them. I’m beyond only spending the night over, I want whole days”.

You finally got up from the floor and sat next to Jooheon. Facing him, making him do the same. He kept looking at you for a whole minute but it felt like hours.

You didn’t know what to do after his following words.

“What I realized with being away from you is that I was pushing away what I’ve always wanted. I wasn’t confident that I could meet you where you were. I felt it would be better not to waste your time back then, but that was then, and this is now…”

You kept looking at each other a little too long. Both realizing you didn't need words anymore. The love was still there.

#monsta x #jooheon #joohoney #jooheon imagines #jooheon oneshot #jooheon monsta x #jooheon angst #jooheon fluff #monsta x fanfic #jooheon fanfic #monsta x fluff #monsta x angst

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bloodiedpixie · 3 years

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Thank you @mostlymaudlin for tagging me!!! I really love this idea, basically, you find five bits of yourself that you gave to your writing, also called: writerly ephemera.

It's super interesting reading everybody else's, hopefully, mine is also interesting!!

Of All The Wildflowers, Chapter 2

“Yes…are you?” I ask, lowering my voice so no one can hear.

It’s like I’m trying to hide from the non-existent people I feel listening to me. The hidden eyes. The hypervigilant ears. The ones I’ve spent avoiding since I was 11. Since I saw a picture of Mick Jagger and my eyes went wide. Those non-existent people. Those ears and eyes. The ones that are all too real some days."

OH BOY HOWDY! Okay so I don't live in a very safe place, my house and family are fine but the second I step outside it's this feeling. The non-existent eyes.

I really project a lot into that line because I feel that's what most if not all queer kids have felt, hiding from "someone" even though they aren't there.

WIP (I'm not revealing the title though cause secrecy)

"I’m silent for a moment. “I didn’t think I’d like you at first.”

“Lovely sentiment.”

“Let me finish...I didn’t think I’d like you at first, but I was pleasantly surprised. You made jokes that have made me lose my breath and asked questions that made me confused about life. Even though you’re as dramatic as an actor and annoying to bits sometimes, I wouldn’t trade you for all the spells in the world. I wouldn’t trade those nights for all the magic the world of mages possesses.” I’m starting to get teary-eyed when I move Baz’s face to look at me.

I smile the tears and say, “Thank you Basil. For being my brother, for being my best friend, and for letting me be a part of your life. I’m sorry it’s ending right as the fun began. Just know I love you, and you’ll always be in mind until the day I drop.”

I have a couple close friends who I adore with my whole heart and this is my best way of expressing love for them.

I've written my fair share of sad scenes but my greatest fear is losing them so having a scene where you have to say goodbye to your found family is a part of me I just shoved in there.

Begin your twenties with a...nevermind

"Then it gets deafeningly silent, it’s so quiet. My tail isn’t moving, my wings don’t flutter, and all I can hear in my head is, “Fuck up” over and over and over again.

My chest feels like there’s an elephant on it and my lungs only have the smallest bit of air. My throat feels tight, and everything is incredibly loud.

Suddenly, a sob breaks through my throat and it burns through me like fire. I cough and sob and feel like a baby as my wings on their own wrap around me and my tail curls up my leg.

I shouldn’t need my boyfriend and best friend to fucking babysit me. I should be able to take care of myself and not rely on other people.

I mean fuck, I’m nineteen-

Twenty. I’m twenty now. Merlin, I’m twenty.

I cough out another sob and I keep sobbing until I can’t anymore. Until I’m just coughing and borderline laughing at how pathetic I am now."

~☆Panic Attacks☆~

I have super bad anxiety so panic attacks are my specialty lol

I really put myself into this scene and tried to explain what a panic attack feels like to me and the main part is "deafeningly silent." That's the best I can describe how a panic attack feels, everything gets real loud but there is no noise.

finally, my anxiety came in handy lol

WIP, This Is What It's Like To Be Lovers

Though even though he’s being adorable and a twat, he’s really just a bit lost. He’s never shopped somewhere that has used clothes (unless it’s one of those fancy vintage shops).

I definitely understand that he’s learning when Baz is running his fingers over a maroon jumper with a thick gray stripe going across the front of it and he looks confused by it.

“That’s nice,” I state while scouring the random assortment of tops in front of me.

“It’s five pounds,” he states, sounding a bit sad.

“That’s not much—”

“It’s Ralph Lauren and they’re selling it for five pounds,” he sounds a bit offended.

“Yeah, put it in the trolley we’ll get it.”

“Why would someone buy something so expensive then give it away for five pounds?”

I walk over and grab the jumper off the rack, “Because, the person didn’t wear it anymore and a lot of people don’t have a lot of money, so when they find something like a Ralph Lauren shirt that will last them years for five pounds it’s a good thing.”

Baz’s offended/confused face falls immediately, and he grabs the jumper and puts it back.

I shop almost exclusively at thrift stores and have done that since i was a baby so I know them inside and out. this scene is really close to home because Baz was raised in a wealthy household and Simon was on his own. I've never had a lot of money and have had to explain to people I shop with that the prices are that low for a reason and so I had Baz put it back because he would rather someone who actually needs it finds it.

The Watford Mages, Chapter 2

“I turn my head and look at Baz who is sitting next to me. He fell asleep a few minutes after we got on the bus. His hair dried all fluffy and wavy. I kind of want to touch it, just to see what it feels like. I barely ever see it without product in it.

He looks so calm, with no grimace or sneers on his face. He always looks so bloody perfect. It’s unfair really, the only imperfections are things I caused. His nose is a bit crooked, (I did that) his lip has a gash on it, (did that) and his cheek has a bit of a bruise (did that too).

He looks so soft like this.

Baz takes a big breath in and stretches his arms above his head, arching his back in the process.

I can’t take my eyes off him, he looks so…comfortable?

“Snow?” Baz asks sleepily. His voice is deep and a bit groggy.

That snaps me from my thoughts, I turn my head to look out the window instead, but I can see Baz’s reflection. He looks confused for a second before leaning his head back and closing his eyes again.

I try to focus on the song and the scenery, but my eyes keep tracking back to Baz.”

I’ve been on my fair share of busses and remember always watching the people behind me in the windows. It’s really interesting to see people in reflections because everyone looks backward and I wanted to get that across here. Simon doesn’t ever view Baz as “comfortable” or “calm” so seeing him tuckered out in a reflection is backward to him.

Alrighty!! Imma no pressure tag, @caitybug @foolofabookwyrm @palimpsessed @wetheformidables @trenchcoat-moth @ninemagicks @snowybank @annabellelux @xivz

No pressure though!! 💙

#fanfic #writing #writerly ephemera #tag game #writer

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sapphos-darlings · 4 years

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Hi. I'm really sorry if these sorts of asks aren't allowed here. If they aren't, please just delete it. I just don't really have anyone to talk about this. So, I've realised I'm a lesbian maybe about two years ago. It was really difficult, as for some reason I chose to ignore all the signs that pointed towards it. Anyway, last September after a few sessions with my therapist, I decided to tell my best female friend I liked her romantically. There were and still are a few problems with it. [1]

The most glaring problem was the distance. I live in Russia, in the Ural area, and she in western Germany. Russian is still her native language tho, so it isn't a problem. On my sessions with my therapist we discussed all the possible outcomes of my confession, both positive and negative. And when she told me no because of the distance, I was fine with it, because I also wasn't really ready for it, as I was suicidal and depressed back then.

I felt really good that I was able to tell her about my feelings. Surprisingly for me, even though she said no, we became even better friends after it. And here kinda lies my problem and my question? The weird thing is, I think she sometimes tries to flirt with me? At least, those messages are REALLY different from her compliments from before I confessed. They feel different. Maybe I'm just making it up tho... She even said I was "sexy" once on the valentines day??

I've also been having dreams where we are together, and last night she even asked me (in the dream!!) to have sex with her??? And like...I'm feeling so uncomfortable with it.. She told me no about the long-distance relationship, and I respect and understand that! But I feel so weird and even dirty for having those thoughts?? I don't act on it, I never tell her anything of this sort. The most I do is say I love her, but she also does it all the time!

It's just, is there a way to stop these thoughts? Maybe I should talk to her about it? But how do I address it without it being weird? I feel like an idiot or an incel or whatever. Or is just internal lesbophobia? I literally don't know. The worst thing is that we can't see each other soon, as I don't really have the money to go abroad. Sorry it's so messy. I also wanted to add that I am NOT suicidal or depressed anymore, so don't be worried about that. And thanks for any advice.

Don’t worry, Anon, these kind of asks are absolutely allowed here. We’re here to help and support our sisters!

Sounds to me like you’ve had and are having some rough times. It sounds really hard, Anon, I hope you all the strength and resilience to keep pushing through.

Let me just say that I hear you. I relate to a lot of what you’ve said, and your troubles are absolutely real and worth consideration. Thank you for opening up, it must have taken a lot of thought and strength to write all that down. Now, I don’t know you or your full situation, so I can’t give you definitive answers or tell you what to do, but I can give you my two cents, share some of my own experiences, and speak to you as another lesbian who’s been there.

To me realizing that I am a lesbian took a while even with the glaringly obvious signs because gay people are never spoken as one of the group. It’s always “they”, and “those people”, and “that kind of people out there somewhere”. It honestly took be some time to realize that hey, there’s a gay person right here, among you, thinking my thoughts. It was always something “over there”, so making a connection that I could be one of them was honestly like realizing I’m a mythical creature.

I think that the feeling of being made invisible, impossible or an outsider follows us for a lot longer than just making that initial connection. The realization is just a turning point in the beginning of our journey, and we still have our whole lives ahead of us. It’s a long journey, and there’s going to be uphills and downhills and twists and turns.

You absolutely have internalized lesbophobia. To an extent, we all do. You have been taught to fear and marginalize homosexuality, and when thoughts and feelings coming from your own homosexuality emerge, you’re afraid of them. You think your love and desire are something dangerous that will insult this woman you like, or that they are somehow dirty. You’re handling your feelings like they are something obscene that you must shield others from, and you feel like your mere thoughts need permission to exist.

Take a deep breath and don’t try to stop or banish them. They are just thoughts. They don’t touch anything, they don’t hurt anyone, and they are not actions. They are just thoughts. Breathe. Let them come, inspect them, enjoy them, reflect upon them, and then let them go. Whatever they make you feel, you’re safe. Everything is contained inside your head, it’s totally private, and it’s only yours. Just breathe. Whatever the situation with this woman is, you’re always allowed to think and dream.

Now, as for your relationship, it sounds complicated and could really use an honest talking to where both of you express your true feelings and more importantly, what actions you wish and should take. To me it sounds like maybe this woman is toying with the idea of a relationship with you, but for her it’s very safe: You’re friends, you’re far apart, and she already knows that you like her.

What it is not is fair to you. You don’t know what she’s really feeling or thinking. You have a right to demand answers and honesty. You don’t have to linger in a limbo of a little bit of flirting where she toys with your feelings and sends mixed or unclear messages. Maybe you should confront her about this: if she’s interested, it’s okay to change her mind or feel reserved. If she’s not really interested, you can set boundaries to your friendship; say that you want just friendship without hints or flirting. If it’s the distance that’s stopping you, maybe you should try anyway if both of you really want it, even if it’s going to be hard, because this not-doing-it is clearly not great either. Be honest and kind; tell her what you’re feeling and what you want. Tell her how her actions make you feel.

But really only you can really know your life, and you’re obviously close friends, so you know her too. It’s up to you, what do you want and how you’ll go about it. Just remember firstly to respect yourself and demand others do the same, and secondly be open, kind and honest, because you can only really control yourself and how you do things. Be honest and open and accept the vulnerability that comes with it, because only then you have opened yourself up for the possibility of getting what you want in return.

Good luck, Anon! Keep fighting, keep growing, and stay proud.

- Lavender

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