#but not all the song lyrics really express the same thing as the episodes
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*if you've heard a couple songs but don't really know much about them, or haven't listened in a long while, you can play!
update: the highest votes went to gudetama. but was it correct? here are the full titles and albums.
❌ "put your hand inside the puppet head" - they might be giants
the opening verse makes reference to leaving one's job and how "it's sad to say, you will romanticise all the things you've known before. it was not, not, not so great". according to flansburgh, "the lyric revolves around the idea that looking back on anything colors it in sentimentality".
❌ "I'll sink manhattan" - they'll need a crane (ep)/miscellaneous T
this is a flansburgh song, but linnell explained its meaning in a 1989 interview with NME as "a song about a guy who somehow figures out how to sink the island of manhattan just to kill his ex-lover, so it's his apology to the other people he's gonna kill in between. he's just gotta do it!"
❌ "meet james ensor" - john henry
it's about james ensor (belgium's famous painter).
❌ "wicked little critta" - mink car
from the tmbg unlimited collection: "forged in the crucible of an eastern massachusetts junior high, this song expresses the dreams, fears and hopes of a new england young adult" the lyrics seem to suggest said young adult fantasising about being a sports star alongside bobby orr and john havlicek while goofing off outside.
❌ "working undercover for the man" - mink car
from flansburgh: "it's more a meditation on the "mod squad" [a 1968 crime series about cool undercover detectives] than anything else. the idea of the narc just seems... like, those episodes of "dragnet" where they have the young undercover dress in a hippie suit."
✔️ "talent is an asset" - kimono my house
the lyrics illustrate an overly-cautious family shielding their very gifted child from others, to keep him studious and soak in all the glory, and is heavily implied to be little albert einstein through puns on relatives and relativity. it's not by them, tho. it's by the band sparks. it came 2nd, so I think many of you recognised it (or really wanted to see the results!)
❌ "bee of the bird of the moth" - the else
"this is a song about a creature called a hummingbird moth, which imitates another creature, which imitates yet another creature. it's completely fucked up, and can only be explained in song!" so they did.
❌ "2082" - join us
thewrap's review of the album describes this song as, "a science-fiction short story (...) a protagonist who travels into the future, finds himself hobbled but still unhappily alive all the way into the next millennium, and travels back to the title year to smother himself with a pillow in a mercy killing". fun!
❌ "call you mom" - nanobots
referred to by linnell as an "oedipus pan" song, the lyrics follow an unfortunate young man beginning a relationship with a woman, getting dumped due to his behaviour of treating her like a mother figure, then infantilising a possibly younger woman in a different relationship and in turn leaving her, who goes on to experience the same issues. fun! (altho, the final chorus actually still refers to her Mom leaving, not her dad, I got the details wrong there in the poll).
❌ "gudetama's busy days" - dial-a-song / my murdered remains
yes, that's a real song. quote flansburgh: "(...) it is really just about feeling isolated from the world, even if you are in a crowded place and manically trying to keep up with your life. the character of gudetama appealed to me because he is such a mopey sad sack."
❌ "marty beller mask" - album raises new and troubling questions
this is real, too! it's just about how marty beller was actually an alter ego of whitney houston the whole time. he's not, but wouldn't that be interesting. the song name-checks multiple of her own in the lyrics. it was temporarily retired out of respect following houston's death (4 months after its release), returning to live performances ten years later in 2022.
#I know this minor detail might make one obvious but I can't let it slide!#sorry everyone. would you kindly delete any old versions and pass it around again. <3#tmbg
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do you think the song out for love says something about Camilla and veggie and to veggies character arc
Hi!
Yes, it does. I want to talk about Vaggie in other metas too, so in this analysis I will focus on her relationship with Carmilla, since this is what you are mainly asking about.
Before I start, though, I am gonna link to you this meta by @hamliet, where she talks about the main message of the song:
You're gonna fight without gloves
And when that push comes to shove
Yeah, you just might rise above
Long as you're out for love
If you love, you might rise above. So Vaggie, a fallen angel, regrows her wings by choosing love and protection over hate and revenge. The meaning is crystal clear. Love makes you worthy of Heaven. Just like in the finale Pentious ascends thanks to his selfless sacrifice.
This is the meaning of the song when it comes to theme and to the series as a whole.
At the same time it is not by chance this theme comes out so strongly in relation to Carmilla and Vaggie, as they are both tied to "love".
FAMILIAL LOVE AND ROMANTIC LOVE
Carmilla Carmine: So I, I'll be your keeper
Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes
I'll keep you safe and keep this secret
Vaggie: So I, I'll be your armor
Do whatever it takes, I'll make the mistakes
I'll spend my life being your partner
Carmilla and Vaggie are set up as foils in episode 3, when they share the song Whatever It Takes. This ballad is a love song, but Carmilla and Vaggie express two different kinds of love:
Carmilla is singing to her daughters (familial)
Vaggie is singing to Charlie (romantic)
This is a pattern throughout the show:
There are two versions of More Than Anything - the first one is about a familial bond, whereas the second explores a romantic relationship
Sir Pentious gets redeemed after expressing his feelings for Cherri (romantic) and sacrificing himself for the Hotel Crew (familial)
So, Hazbin Hotel goes out of its way to celebrate all kinds of positive bonds: platonic, romantic, familial. All of these relationships are enriching and help people grow. Vaggie and Carmilla are two characters linked to this very concept, as they are ready to fight and suffer for their loved ones:
Both: Whatever we go through
I know I~ (Carmilla: I'll be your keeper)
(Vaggie: I'll be your armor)
Whatever it takes (Carmilla: I'll make the mistakes)
(Vaggie: I'll make the mistakes)
Whatever it takes
They are both warriors, but fight for love. They are out for love. However, Whatever It Takes also highlights a major difference between them.
TRUST AND SELF-EXPRESSION
Scrambled Eggs is an episode about trust. This is true especially for Carmilla and Vaggie, who have opposite secrets:
Carmilla killed an angel
Vaggie is an angel
Throughout the song the conflict between Heaven and Hell is mentioned by Carmilla and is present in subtext in Vaggie's stanza, as she looks at her old home.
Both are struggling under the pressure of these truths and are confronted by a loved one:
Zestial: Carmilla, what troubles thou? Losing thy composure is unlike thee.
Carmilla Carmine: It's nothing, Zestial, really.
Charlie: Vaggie, don't say that! You do so much! It's-
Vaggie: I'm sorry. I'd… I'd like to be alone for a minute.
Carmilla chooses to open up to Zestial and tells her daughters how much she loves them. Vaggie instead closes herself off and refuses Charlie's attempt to talk. She is singing to Charlie, but Charlie herself isn't present to hear her out. Even when it comes to their respective secrets...
Carmilla says hers in the song:
Carmilla Carmine: I always thought that I would keep blood off my face
But when that thing attacked, I had to act
To cross that line and keep them safe
But if anyone knew, then all of Hell would rise to war
And who's to say who'd survive the fray?
I might lose the ones that I was killing for
Vaggie only alludes to hers in the lyrics:
Vaggie: When I saw your face
You made me feel like a stranger in a brand new place
And it felt so good to be understood
But there's so much I wished that I could say
Vaggie meets Charlie and feels like a stranger in a brand new place because at the time she is in fact a stranger in a brand new place:
So, Carmilla is able to express herself, while Vaggie can't. This isn't surprising, as Vaggie is basically a child-soldier:
Adam: Do you really think I wouldn't recognize one of my top girls just cuz you're out of uniform? You were on the front lines, I wouldn't forget a bad bitch like you. It's why I named you after the best thing ever. Vaggie.
She is brought up in Adam's army and is taught that love is conditional. She is one of Adam's best fighters, but the moment she makes a "mistake", she is discarded:
Lute: Sinful filth like you has no place in heaven.
This is why she feels Charlie will love her only if she is useful and never messes up:
Vaggie: I'm supposed to make your dreams a reality. I'm supposed to protect you. I'm supposed to never fail you. (...) If I can't help you, what's the point of me?
This fear of abandonement and rejection is also at the root of Vaggie's inability to tell Charlie about her past:
Adam: I guess I'll just tell little miss butterflies and rainbows that she's been fucking someone who's killed-- thousands of her people. I'm sure your relationship will be fine.
Still, despite her communication issues, Vaggie's heart is in the right place:
Rosie: If there's anything I've learned, it's that words are cheap, but actions, they speak the truth. So, what have her actions said?
Vaggie is a person of few words. This may be why she has less songs than other characters. Still, she lets her actions speak, so she is given a ballet lesson by a very talented ballerina:
DANCING THROUGH LIFE
Carmilla has a ballet motif, as her outfit resembles that of a ballerina and her two daughters are called after protagonists of famous ballets. So, it is only natural that she teaches Vaggie a new way to fight through dancing.
Vaggie was taught to fight with hate and anger. So, her fighting style is aggressive and focused on attack:
Carmilla: You leave yourself open with every swing. You fight like someone unafraid of harm, and this is what you'll take advantage of. Angels wield no shields, little armor and fight with reckless abandon.
Carmilla tells her she should instead dedicate herself to love, protection and defense:
Fuel yourself with the fear of losin'
That somebody who's your reason to live
Harnеss your heart and you can't help choosin'
To fight with all you can give
Vaggie shouldn't just fight. She should dance:
She shouldn't hate:
I see you're driven by your detestation
Your every step is stoked with animus
You need a different type of motivation
Or there's no way that you can handle this
She should love:
Out for love~
Love~
Think of who you care about
Protect them and be out
For love~
Love~
Vaggie listens to these teachings and applies them in the finale, in two ways.
She sings her love for Charlie in More Than Anything Reprise:
Vaggie: You've already done so much
So many lives you've changed
So many souls you've touched
And in the end, if it's only me you've saved
Charlie and Vaggie: There's something that I've been dying to say
More than anything, more than anything
Need you to know I love you more than anything
More than anything
As stated above, Vaggie doesn't sing much in season 1, but in the final episode she gets a short moment to express how she feels to Charlie. This is in contrast to Whatever It Takes, where she sends her girlfriend away before she starts singing. More Than Anything Reprise shows Vaggie's progress when it comes to self-expression.
She follows Carmilla's advices while fighting
On a practical level she covers herself up in a battle suit inspired by Carmilla's outfit, she wears a harness on her heart and ties her hair:
Vaggie: I'm not used to fighting with long hair.
On a thematic level she reveals her wings and defeats Lute, when the exorcist threathens Charlie:
Lute: So, I'll spare you the pain of seeing your demon bitch die.
And Vaggie eventually chooses not to kill the other angel:
Lute: Do it, then. Correct your mistake.
Vaggie: Seriously, you're pathetic, you know that? Ready to die rather than accepting mercy? No, live. Live knowing that you only do because I let you, the failure.
Vaggie is asked to choose between her hate for Lute and her love for Charlie and she chooses the latter. This is why the scene ends with Vaggie leaving Lute and flying to help Charlie. She is given the chance to get revenge, but doesn't take it. She is given the chance to hate, but she loves:
I know you're thirstin' for vengeance, Vaggie
You're out for blood
But you'll only stand a chance if you're out for love
This is important in two ways:
1- The macrochosm - Vaggie refuses Lute's ideals and defies her expectations. For Lute it is normal that Vaggie is going to kill her. After all, Vaggie is discarded because she shows pity to a sinner, which makes her weak. Still, Vaggie bests Lute in a fight, so she is now strong. It is only obvious then that Vaggie has snapped out of her foolery and is ready to kill. She can correct her mistake. She did not kill the cannibal child, but she can kill Lute. This is how Lute understands the world. And yet, Vaggie doesn't finish her off. By doing so, she moves away from the mentality Lute embodies. She is strong precisely because she can show mercy. Adam is wrong. Lute is wrong. Vaggie isn't out for blood. She is out for love.
2- The microchosm - Vaggie sparing Lute isn't just the morally correct choice, but it is Vaggie's first step into healing:
Husk: (To Vaggie) This one. Judges everyone and everything because she hates herself.
Vaggie hates everyone because she deep down hates herself. She despises Heaven and Angels because she can't forgive her involvement in the exterminations. So, Vaggie hurting Lute would be Vaggie hurting her past self. As a matter of fact Lute is Vaggie's dark mirror. She is who Vaggie might become if she gives in to hate.
A person who hurts others:
And herself:
Vaggie instead has to value her life, so that she can protect others. She must save others and heal herself. Only in this way she can be by Charlie's side. She needs to let go of self-hate to embrace a healthy love. Vaggie's arc is her learning self-love through her bond with the Princess of Hell.
Obviously this journey is just at the beginning and our Angel of Love has a long way to go. How will her story contiue? We can make some hypothesis, which once again stem from Vaggie and Carmilla's foiling. This is just a theory, so take it with a grain of salt, but Vaggie may have a secondary personal antagonist in Hell:
Why is that so? It's because Scrambled Eggs sets Vaggie and Velvette up as foils.
RESPECT(LESS)
Velvette and Vaggie are opposites in their interactions with Carmilla. Both girls are younger than the Dancer Overlord and could learn a lot from her. However, Velvette refuses any kind of mentorship and shows no respect:
Velvette: Mad that I acted respectless? Well, it's cause no one could respect this!
You're long past trending! Sorry, bae, but I ain't swiping right! You've lost your relevance-
Vaggie instead comes to respect Carmilla and learns from her:
At the same time, both Velvette and Vaggie confront Carmilla about her secret:
Velvette: 'Oops!' Did I strike a nerve?
'Cause when I brought out the angel's head, couldn't help but observe, that your wrinkled face was turning red!
And why are you avoiding war? That's what the guns you sell are for!
Thanks to my being respectless, one thing I'm starting to suspect is
You know why this angel's headless! Do you have a disclosure?
Vaggie: I know what you did on extermination day. We can talk about it inside, or I can yell about it out here.
They call Carmilla out on killing an angel and keeping this knowledge to herself. Not only that, but both argue that it is necessary to fight back to stop the exterminations:
Velvette: We found it during Extermination day. If these Holy Rollers can be killed, the game has changed. We can take the fight to them. The boys and I have come up with a full assault plan!
Vaggie: Miss Carmine, I'm here on appointment from the princess to enlist your aid in the defense of hell from the angelic extermination. We know an angel fell at your hands and we need to know how.
Still, Velvette fails to get through to Carmilla because she uses war rhetoric:
Velvette: Oh, I get it. So Grandpa is too pussy to fight, so I guess there's no point, right? Oh, what's the matter, Fossil? Too senile to make a real power grab...
She speaks of violence, strength and power.
Vaggie instead convinces Carmilla to help because she mentions the necessity to fight for loved ones:
Vaggie: We didn't pick this fight, but it's here now. And they aren't going to stop with us. You didn't see the look on their leader's face. With us out of the way, it's only a matter of time before they come for the rest of you. They won't stop until all of hell is wiped out, so you can help us make a stand here together, or you can stand alone tomorrow.
She speaks of protection, love and comraderie.
In short, Vaggie succeeds where Velvette fails. Of course, this is true for Charlie's group in general when it comes to the Vees:
Vox: My dear people! We at VoxTek Enterprises have always been at the forefront of innovation. And now, with this new oncoming threat, we are shifting our focus, to your protection. We are pleased to announce VoxTek Angelic Security is coming soon! Trust us, with YOUR safety.
Katie Killjoy: Breaking news - Extermination day is cancelled! Charlie Morningstar managed to fend off the angelic attack with more than just nice words.
The Vees make big declarations of how they are gonna protect the people of Hell, but in the end it is Charlie and her friends who fight for the sinners.
When it comes to Vaggie and Velvette specifically, it is going to be interesting if their foiling is expanded. If so, then I guess Velvette is gonna help Vaggie mature a little bit more, so that when our ex exorcist faces Lute (her nemesis) again, she is gonna be ready for it.
#hazbin hotel#vaggie hazbin hotel#vaggie#carmilla carmine#velvette hazbin hotel#chaggie#charlie x vaggie#hazbin hotel meta#my meta#asksfullofsugar#anonymous#hazbin lute
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The Beef Stroganoff Song! (arbitrary subtitle discourse edition)
So, you may have noticed here that the subtitles in this clip (from Symphogear GX episode 3) are fairly different from what you're used to seeing when people post this video, and the phrasing in the subtitles is fairly different from what the associated memes often say
For those who don't know, Symphogear got itself released on blu-ray by Discotek, and with that came with a new translation authored by Noelle (@ulsairi on twitter ) who is notable for being the only trans lesbian anime translator I know of off the top of my head.
Her translation appears, in my opinion, really rather polished and very good, and I strongly appreciate the way it's written and how much character it adds to the dialogue by giving everyone distinct voices and adapting things into more natural English. It's also a fair bit gayer. I haven't encountered many people who've seen these subs, but I think most fans of the series would consider these a net positive change. There are some people who are mad about these subtitles, and they can die mad.
Anyway, let's talk about the different phrasing of the beef stroganoff song. I'm mostly going to compare to Crunchyroll's subtitles for reference since that seems to be what most others go off of. Here's a link to that version.
So right off the bat we can see here that while CR's translation appears to be a lot more, for lack of a better word, functional, Noelle's translation tries to apply more dialectal force "it's beef stroganoff/Yes! It's THAT beef stroganoff!" And generally communicate through the tone how excited the girls are to get started. Additionally you'll see throughout that the latter is a fair bit more lyrical, there's a lot more punctuation and verbal tics and filler phrases written into the dialogue to express that they are singing, which makes sense since Japanese tends to omit a lot of the sorts of prepositions that Noelle threw in here,
Like, Yumi (yes I went and looked up her name on the wiki) just says "beef stroganoffu" because it's obvious from context that it is beef stroganoff, she doesn't need to spell it out, at least, not in Japanese
(We know like maybe ten hiragana and 1 kanji do not trust us on Japanese this is all just basic shit we learned from online guides)
So this probably leads to a rushed translator from Crunchyroll (they are notoriously crunched for time) who's just trying to Get It Done probably not really bothering to throw in extra additional connecting letters to express the tone of the character, only doing so when it's required to make basic grammatical sense in the target language. So they likely didn't think to make the subtitles have flourishes like this that aren't explicitly in the original Japanese. Noelle meanwhile had the time to consider things like this and take such liberties in order to attempt to convey the same tone that was arguably implied by the Japanese, even if not explicitly put forth
And that's about all the things I should not repeat I guess, TL;DR, these subtitles are more fun to read because the translator had more time to think about the best way to make them more fun while still being accurate to the spirit of the original dialogue, who'd have thought!
(In case you're wondering, the Commie subtitles say kind of the same thing here, and y'know, it doesn't seem like a wrong translation, but also I really dislike this subtitle styling, orange on pink with that font and that drop shadow is just kinda bad. I appreciate the effort but like. Come on. Please fansubbers, please think about if the font and colors you chose actually work with the image you're putting them on)
Moving on!
horizontal and middle rhyme with each other so you can almost actually sing this, actually let me take a moment to try it right now- never mind, I can't sing. Hahaha. I don't actually think it lines up that well with the melody But I thought it did! Didn't I? That's significant, that this actually reads like plausible lyrics to a silly song someone made up instead of a literal translation of a Japanese song
Anyway, here comes the first major difference!
So in the Crunchyroll subtitles, Yumi says "it doesn't have to be beef" which in English (in my estimation) sounds a tad scatterbrained, like, "oh yeah sure beef but whatever really it doesn't actually matter," while Noelle's subtitles rather say "Got no beef? Don't you worry!" Which implies something different.
"It is recommended to use beef, but you may substitute something else if you are sorely lacking in beef" as opposed to "Oh the beef doesn't actually matter, zoinks lol!" CR's translation is kind of a bit funnier in how it sorta comes from nowhere without this qualification, which probably lead to this phrase's memeticness, but Noelle's translation seems more reasonable to me so yeah again, tada, yay for sensicalness.
Now here's another interesting change:
Again, the flat manner in which the CR subtitles say "finish with salt" with rendezvous only being included because that's literally what they said, is sort of absent any stronger emotional implication,
Noelle's translation meanwhile going with "don't forget them, they need it" imparts personhood upon the salt and pepper. The implication being that the girls are saying, "the salt and pepper are in love, please reunite them, they must be in gay love together." Or maybe you think the salt and pepper cannot be forgotten and must be reunited because they are Only Friends.
Whether you choose to believe that this is the salt and pepper getting married, or merely subtext, or an interpretation, or salt and pepper shipping bait, this is a deeply important tonal indicator because it reminds you that these girls are ultimately playing with their food!
"And there, now you're in for a treat!" I don't think I need to explain this one.
Now, here's an interesting one!
In the Crunchyroll subtitles, it just says the memetic "boys don't know this." With no context, no elaboration, no clarity, no qualifiers. Boys don't know. Did the boys magically get their brains wiped? Are the boys biologically incapable? Who knows. Nothing is said but that.
Noelle's subtitles, on the other hand, qualify this statement by saying "Boys aren't taught to cook, so they may not know" (And note again how, it says "kno-ow" to emphasize, once more, that they're singing, and also this lines up with the long "ooooo" sound they make at the end of this lyric, so cool)
There is now context! Boys aren't taught to cook! Anime and Japan's culture in general still pigeonholes people into gender roles! And an anime translator just wrote you a hidden translation note about it! You might be a boy, you might know how to cook, but certain boys in another part of the world aren't traditionally taught cooking, so they may not know
They may not, but they could!
Trust a trans person to express gender facts with subtle nuances like this in anime translations.
And with that lovely bit of good translation and good writing and good localization of a thing to make it make sense to people
Mew!
#symphogear#symphogear gx#beef stroganoff#translation discourse#boys dont know this#(or rather THEY MAY not)#(but could if they were told how!)#you know it from anime and manga#audrey (of the joystick system) posts
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— 𝐆𝐄𝐓 𝐓𝐎 𝐊𝐍𝐎𝐖 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐌𝐔𝐍.
what made you pick up the muse you have?: my first fifth doctor rp account was made in november of 2013, & my first tenth doctor account was made in december of the same. i love the doctor dearly, & i tend to eventually come back to muses i heavily favor in this way, no matter how long i've been away from writing them. five is my doctor & the love of my life.
is there anything you really enjoy writing?: idk, i really like when i get to be funny & really express my character's inner dialogue & thoughts. so scenarios that allow me to do that!
is there anything you don't like to write?: mm, if i had to choose . . . fight scenes, i guess. specifically really complicated ones. thankfully five doesn't do that much HAHA
how do you come up with your headcanons?: i draw vague aspects from many different characters & franchises that i like. my doctor who headcanons are ancient, though. i genuinely looked at the ones from when i was a kid, picked the Not Garbage Ones ( LOL ) & expanded upon those
do you write in silence or listen to music?: silence, most of the time. but if i do have music on, it has to have no lyrics. tends to be video game music or original compositions by indie artists. i get so easily distracted. adhd goes crazy
do you plan your replies or wing them?: i tend to pull things out of my ass, most of you have likely noticed this about me LOL
do you enjoy shipping?: yes!
what's your alias / name?: seele ( like the character from h.sr )
zodiac sign?: gemini
birthday?: jun 20
favorite color?: sky blue
favorite song?: edge of reality - elvis presley
last movie you watched?: honestly can't remember, not a movie person. but i'll offer the fact that the madea movies are my favorites of all time as a substitute fact
last show you watched?: golden girls, my rewatches are likely pushing triple digits. have the episodes nearly memorized word for word. huge comfort show for me
last song you listened to?: the crystal ballroom - u2
favorite food?: vanilla ice cream
favorite season?: winter
do you have a tumblr best friend?: ily all ♡
tagged by: @kindofuneven , thank u so much, be bless ♥
tagging: @isbrilliant , @carbondated , @psychnot , @tenfoldrage , @solarisgod , @curamorte , @riiese , u, cream danish
#( mun memes . )#ik i'm late so if u've already done the meme ignore the tag and just lmk so i can read it <3#mwah
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Last Monday of the Week 2024-02-05
Busy week!
Listening: Caught the Laura Jane Grace pre-release for Hole In My Head, which has four songs so far. Here's "Dysphoria Hoodie"
Lyricism!
Also finally got around to Palisade on Friends at the Table. Different seasons of FATT have varying levels of contemporary relevance to their political moment but they sure did pick a moment to do a story about settler colonialism and the way origin and religion can be used to launder consent for open imperialism and colonialism huh. Here's a quote from a Road to Palisade episode from early 2022:
KENNETH MARIAN COLVER: Imperialism, colonialism, occupation: yeah, we hear it a lot, we hear it a lot. It’s ahistorical, it’s not—it’s a misunderstanding of what our relationship to this place, to these places. Now listen, listen—I will bet you—listen, I will bet you twelve, fifteen hundred, sixteen—I will bet you that anyone you know—your cousin, your brother’s cousin, anyone. I’ll bet with every single person in this room, if you turned to your neighbor, if you went to your neighbor’s door, you could knock and they would answer. And you could say, “Neighbor, where do we, where does the Divine Principality come from?” And they might say, “Well, we come from Kesh, and we come from Apostolos. And we come from…” And you could say, and you would say, not to be rude, but you could interrupt and say “No, neighbor, where do we come from? Where is our home?” And you know what they would say? They would say, the Twilight Mirage, of course! So, so… so how can it be colonialism? How can a man colonize his own home?
yeah. The season ended in December 2023.
Reading: Finished Invisible Cities by Italo Calvino. Truly a remarkable work of literature, a bunch of things that you can't believe work as well as they do. The Cities can really stick in your head, especially since I read most of it while on the metro every morning and afternoon.
Watching: More Gundam, up to when the White Base makes it to Earth but is still on the run. Everyone is having such a terrible time.
Playing: More Dark Souls, I have made it to Quelaag but I've only gone at her once, it shouldn't be too hard.
youtube
Making: Finished writing the rough outline of my expression evaluator, but it's too slow. I think that's solvable I need to sit and remove all the clones.
Also: started quilting the seat cover my mother made and sent along with my brother when he came to visit. It's got a triangle-grid of circular patterns so I have a few options but I'm probably going to end up quilting every single sub-triangle, it looks nice that way.
Tools and Equipment: Properly sharp sharp needles make a huge difference especially when you're working with thick material. I had really crappy sharps that sucked to quilt with so I went out and found the same kind of needles I used to use back home and they're so much better. I do not know how to describe what a sharp needle is like, other than that the tip wants to embed itself in your skin at all times.
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rocks at your window pt. 9 - ricky bowen x reader
disclaimer: this series contains smut and chapter by chapter warnings, so as with all nsfw works, ricky is aged up to 18+!! ricky and reader are 18 and in their senior year
additionally, we're working towards a ricky x therapy plot so he's going to start expressing some symptoms of mental illness and bpd but he does get therapy eventually and has a good support system but he gets worse before he gets better yk. Obviously I'm not a professional and this is for entertainment so while I have done my research pls take this with a grain of salt!! or several!! /lh
!! contains some spoilers for season 1 of hsmtmts, and previous chapters of this fic !!
wc: 9.6k
genre: angst, hurt/comfort, not really fluff but a lot of high highs and a lot of low lows
pairing: ricky bowen x (afab she/her) reader
warnings: miss jenn is a legend icon queen slay goddess (cited two times), iconic interactions between the cast, jealous ricky being a cutie, ricky and EJ are not bros yet, nini has gone from messy to borderline evil, your mom is a legend, kourtney anxiety foreshadowing, opening night/theatre vibes so strong it made me tear up a little /hj, lynne bowen is a horrible horrible toxic person!!!, todd jumpscare, ricky has a mental breakdown, EJ is trying his best but horribly misreads the situation, ricky is in a crisis, ricky bpd episode, art to cope :'), ricky has a good support system, reader is good in a crisis, nini is REALLY testing your patience, gina gets a well deserved moment to shine, terrible theatre etiquette, ricky gets emotionally ambushed, mike is a good dad, nini gets yelled at by reader (slay), reader yells at lynne (slay), reader gets slapped (in a dramatic way not a violent or sexy way), reader gets called a slut as an insult, ricky defends you, messy necessary screaming match (slay), things are said that cannot be unsaid :/
summary: opening night is just as magical and incredible as ricky hoped it would be, just as wonderful as you made it sound - until the worst case scenario comes to fruition. but the show must go on, right?
song recs: something about this night - finding neverland obc, twenty million people - my favorite year obc, opening up - waitress obc, twinkle in her eye - leann rimes, window seat - amelie obc, this is how I disappear (instrumental) - my chemical romance, un organo suona - ennio morricone, the music and the mirror - a chorus line obc, holding onto you - twenty one pilots, you oughta know - jagged little pill obc
other media: "art is not a luxury, it's sustinance" - ethan hawke ted talk clip, "and the way he sings sends a chill right through me" - lullaby for the taken lyric by kimya dawson, "what a mother does for you out of obligation vs what a mother does for you because she wants to" - text post/poem by tumblr user vympr,
a/n: fangz to cici for reading!!! I felt like my immortal chapter 6 "paragraph" 4 while writing the last part trying not to under or overuse dialog tags lmao. remember when I said it's gonna get messy? it gets worse :)
tags @yesv01 @hopefullhearts @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @afidiofobia @aliyahsutherland @pikzel @demirunner @brinaslittlefreak @girlfriendwhoseawitch @matiere-detoiles @ifilwtmfc @uselesssapphickitten @nxstalgicnxbxdy @ggclarissa @n-slayaaaaa @stormi-ames @rainforest-daisies @sunshineangel-reads
You and Ricky had been planning to get to the El Rey early on opening night since tech week, to make sure you have plenty of extra time to get ready, warm up, and get in character. Plus, you’ve been telling him how much you’ve missed just being in theaters, and near stages. The more time you’re there, the better. When you’re on the way over Ricky couldn’t shake the excitement gripping him. You can’t seem shake the feeling something was going to go wrong.
It was different from nerves, different from anxiety or worries that everyone can get before a big event. It was the same small, nudging feeling you got the night the basement flooded during your run in Matilda. It’s not as bad as it had been that time, but you take in a breath, steadying yourself and knowing you should be ready for anything. When you do, the feeling is quickly overshadowed by your excitement. You haven’t acted in far too long, and you’re ecstatic that you’ll get to perform again soon.
Once you get to the theater, you and Ricky are the first to sign the sign in sheet. You draw a little smiley face next to his name, and when he glances back at you, eyes falling on the paper. He smiles, struck by sudden joy at the little face. He leans back over and grabs a pen, drawing a smiley next to your name on the line below. Miss Jenn glances down when he returns the pen.
“Oh!” she exclaims, seeing the little faces, “How cute. I love this energy we’re creating.” she gestures vaguely before shooing you off to your respective dressing rooms to get ready.
Soon everyone’s there, and you’re once again wrapped up in the familiar hustle and bustle of show nights. You and your castmates are simultaneously getting in costume, warming up, and trying to get ready while helping each other’s hair and makeup. Ashlyn and Nini join you in an impromptu karaoke session, singing your hearts out to Bop to the Top while Nina riffs and harmonizes. The boys, one or two rooms away, start singing Getcha Head in the Game at the same time. In spite of the chaotic cacophony of voices, it's both a good way to warm up, and a good outlet for the nervous energy growing, bouncing from one person to the next, turning electric.
Kourney enters suddenly, grabbing some bobby pins.
"Do you know if you have any safety pins?" She asks.
"Uh," you pause doing your hair, tying it up into a bouncy low half updo, and fumble through your bag, "how many do you need?"
"Two or three?" She says hopefully. No matter how many you buy, bobby pins and safety pins always seem to be in short supply at every theater you've been to. You dig around for a minute before finding them, handing them to Kourtney.
"Thank you!" She declares, "Seb's shirt just completely-"
"Has anyone seen my glasses?" Ashlyn asks, and Kourtney pauses, noticing she's not wearing them.
"Shit," Kourtney mutters, both of you looking around for them.
"Knock knock!" Comes Seb’s voice from behind the door.
"Decent!" You and Ashlyn reply in unison. Seb enters, holding the side of his shirt together with his hands.
"Any luck?" He asks Kourtney.
"Right here," she replies, holding up the safety pins. "Turn around." Nina puts in her headphones and starts doing some vocal exercises and scales to warm up a little more. Seb lifts up his jacket so Kourtney can pin the ripped seam back together.
"Oh," she remembers, "have you seen Ashlyn’s glasses?"
"The really big ones?" He asks.
"Yeah."
"Nope." He shrugs. She turns to Ashlyn.
"We'll find them." Kourtney reassures her. Seb heads back to his dressing room he shares with Ricky and EJ, and you move on to the last few steps of your makeup routine.
"Where are they?" Ashlyn huffs rhetorically. Natalie pokes her head in a moment later.
"40 minutes till show time!"
"Thank you 40!" The three of you reply together. A little while later, you’re finally dressed and waiting for the glue on your eyelashes to get tacky, when you hear EJ call your name. You stumble out of your dressing room, zipping up your boot, and you’re greeted with EJ in his Chad costume, clearly in a huff.
“Can you help me with my eyeliner?” he asks, a slightly petulant tone to his voice, handing you a black pencil. You laugh.
“Yeah, hold on.” you go back into your dressing room, passing by Seb telling Kourtney something. You dig through your makeup bag as Seb reenters, Darbus glasses in hand, presenting them to Ashlyn.
"Where were they?" She exclaims.
"The prop table!" He says.
"Why?" Ash asks, stating your thoughts exactly.
"Natalie says they're technically a prop because in the detention scene when you…" you find what you're looking for, missing the tail end of his sentence as you leave a moment later with a stiff angled brush in hand. You grab EJ and lead him to the stairs where he can sit down. He does so, and you rub the bristles against the eyeliner, demonstrating for him.
“This will make the application a lot more precise. Close your eyes…” you instruct, tilting his head back. You smudge the outside of his lash lines, careful not to make it look like too much.
“Okay, now this is the scary part…” you trail off, gently lifting up his eyelid. “I swear I’m not going to stab you, just look down and don’t blink.” you instruct at the worried look on his face. You tight line the middle of his lash line for a defined, natural effect, then repeat the step on the other side.
“Okay,” you say, pulling away to check that it looks even, unaware of Ricky standing a few feet away, watching you hold EJ’s face. You look so focused, and a twinge of jealousy flashes through his stomach, wishing you were holding his face, looking focused at him like that.
“You should be good,” you say, and Ricky approaches, dragging you away as EJ thanks you.
“I just need to borrow her for a second.” he cuts EJ off, smiling tensely at him - one he returns. Ricky takes you a few feet away while EJ goes back into their dressing room.
“What’s up?” you ask. He lets out a breathy laugh.
“I just… I can’t figure out this whole bronzer thing.” You bite back a smile. You know that it’s bullshit, specifically because you went through his whole stage makeup routine with him twice last night. He could do his makeup and anyone else’s with one hand tied behind his back, so he obviously just wants your attention. You can’t deny that it’s really cute - and it’s working. He’s probably nervous, you figure. You chuckle, taking the brush from him.
“Make a fish face,” you instruct, sucking in your cheeks and puckering your lips. His face mirrors yours, and you blend the product into his foundation. Your hand rests on his jaw, angling it this way and that until you’re satisfied with your work. He glances briefly back at the stairs, where EJ has long since left. Ricky’s about to look for any other excuse to keep you here for a few more minutes, your eyes light up, remembering something.
“Oh!” you exclaim, turning around, “Stay right here.” You’re back a moment later after digging through your bag past bobby pins, safety pins, your water bottle, script, sewing kit, extra makeup, makeup wipes, bandaids, and throat lozenges. You grab a small box, holding it triumphantly before running back out to Ricky in the hall. You stand in front of him, that glimmer in your eye.
“I have a surprise.” Excitement swirls in his chest.
“What is it?” he asks, trying to suppress the anticipatory giggle bubbling up, his energy matching yours. You hand him the small box, and he looks at it, confused. He opens it slowly, pulling out a little charm. It’s a dog tag with the number 14, and a metallic T on a jump ring.
“Oh my god…” he breathes, looking at it closer. You’re beaming, so glad that he likes it.
“You know,” you say softly, “something to remember your first show by. And your heart ring was looking kind of lonely.” You smile, pointing to the plastic ring he still wears around his neck, waiting until the last possible minute to take it off. You barely get the words out before he grabs your arms, pulling you close and kissing you. His lips are warm as they move against yours, and for a split second, you forget where you are, completely losing context for everything around you.
“I love-” he murmurs against your mouth, freezing for an instant. Your hearts skip a beat in tandem, then he cuts himself off to kiss you again. “I love it.” he finishes. You smile against his lips, pulling away very reluctantly. He leans back in, pressing a few more kisses to your lips before you wiggle out of his grasp.
“Ricky!” you laugh, “We’re gonna mess up our makeup. We can kiss after the show.” He runs his fingers up and down your arms, gazing at you as you talk. You have all his attention.
“Okay,” he says in that light hearted, joking tone of his that always makes you laugh, “but I’m gonna hold you to that.” You laugh again, and he takes off his necklace so you can slip on the new charm. After getting it fixed on the chain, you reattach it to his neck.
At the end of the hall where you’re standing, Nina lingers, watching Ricky touch you and kiss you like that. It makes her sick, and she finds herself holding back a gag. Her hours of research had turned into days, and she has your playbill.com page open on her phone at this very moment. She’s torn, reminiscing over how much she loved your performances and how obsessed with you she was as a kid, and simultaneously fuming over it. You’ve done all this professional work, you’ve acted on Broadway, and now you’re here at East High?
She scoffs, shaking her head in disbelief. She wanted so badly to be you, to have your perfect life, and you threw it all away for what? To come do crappy high school theatre in a town that couldn’t be further from New York? She fights a laugh suddenly, realizing just how much dirt she has on you. There must be a reason you’ve been keeping this secret, lying to everyone, lying to Ricky. She shakes her head. She doesn’t know why yet, but she’s going to find out.
35 minutes before curtain, Miss Jenn gathers everyone for circle time, and a cast meeting to boost morale before the show. Everyone is finally in costume and Kourtney follows Seb, makeup pallet in hand, adjusting the finishing touches to the glitter on his cheeks. You can feel the energy stirring and growing, electric between all of you.
“Most of you know that our dazzling Taylor had to leave under family circumstances. Gina sends her love and support, but has left for the east coast and will not be able to make it to tonight’s performance.” Miss Jenn says. You and Ricky share a look, trying not to be too obvious. You got Gina a plane ticket together, and your mom is at the airport right now to pick her up. The last you heard from her, Gina’s flight was delayed. Now there’s only a slim chance she’ll get here in time. You silently keep your fingers crossed, praying to whatever theatre gods are out there that she’ll make it to the theater before it's too late.
“And so,” Miss Jenn continues, “I have asked… Kourtney to fill in, in her place!”
The room erupts into cheers. Kourtney smiles, eyes on the floor bashfully. She’s praying she doesn’t seem as nervous as she feels. It’s not that she didn’t expect you guys to be supportive of her subbing in as Taylor, but seeing first hand how excited everyone is for her eases some of the worries that have been building up.
“Now,” Miss Jenn continues, “everyone join hands.” After some heartfelt words of encouragement and other usual circle time warm ups, she claps her hands.
“Let’s go, wildcats! 20 minutes to curtain!”
Once again, the room erupts into cheers.
“Now, if I can get my main characters and my ensemble members starting the show with a mic on stage for mic check?” she directs, pointing towards the way to the wings. You walk with everyone else towards the stage, pausing when you pass Miss Jenn.
“Do you want me to help Kourtney get ready?” you ask. Her hair and makeup are done, she just has to get in costume, but you can sense that she needs a pep talk.
“That would be fantastic,” she says with a look that indicates she thinks Kourtney could use a pep talk too, “thank you, Sharpay.” She pulls out her walkie to let Big Red know you and Kourtney are going to be released from mic check early to finish getting ready. After singing We’re All In This Together while Big Red adjusts your volume from the sound booth, Kourtney sings Bop to the Top, voice getting louder and quieter as Red tweaks the settings. Once you’ve both gotten the thumbs up, you scurry backstage to your dressing room, handing her costume pieces while she gets changed.
“Oh, wait,” you say before she pulls on her top. You grab your setting spray you use for shows from your bag. “Close your eyes.” You mist her face with the product, fanning it dry so it doesn’t smudge.
“Thanks,” she says. You take one look at her expression, and can tell she’s nervous.
“You okay?” You ask. She hesitates, then sighs.
“I had two weeks to learn all my lines. I had two weeks to learn all the lines and the songs, I haven’t even gotten to rehearse on stage with you guys, and I’m just so worried I’m going to blow it, or choke in front of everyone…” she trails off. This is clearly the tip of the iceberg, and she fiddles with her bracelets, trying to get out some nervous energy.
“There is no way you’re going to choke.” you say confidently, “You know this show inside and out! Plus, haven’t you been running lines with Nini the whole time?” you ask.
“Yeah,” she replies, listening carefully, trying to grab onto your reassurance.
“Almost all of Taylor’s scenes are with Gabriella.” You state. Her expression changes as she realizes you’re right. She knows this part better than she was giving herself credit for.
“Plus there will be scripts in the wings if you need to refresh between scenes.”
“Yeah,” she says again, more confident this time. “I know my lines, I know the songs, I know the dances - mostly, at least - so it’s all going to be fine! Even if the choreography in Stick to the Status Quo is still totally terrifying, and I have no idea how to dance with a lunch tray or do a death wack, it’s going to be fine!” Her laughter turned from relieved to slightly panicked again.
“You think you’re nervous for Stick to the Status Quo?” you ask rhetorically, a comedic note to your voice, “I have to get caked in the face!” You exclaim with a chuckle. You’ve only practiced with an actual cake once, during the last tech rehearsal, and it was messy, to say the least. Literally and figuratively.
Kourtney laughs, remembering the whipped cream that got everywhere, how loud you were yelling in character before storming off. It took more makeup wipes than you'd expected to get the sticky sugar off your face.
“We’ll get through it together.” You state, holding out your hand. She squeezes it, reassuringly.
“Yeah. We will.”
“Five minutes to places!” Natalie calls, poking her head in.
“Thank you five!” you both reply. You check your phone one last time, the new text from your mom stating that she’s still at the airport, waiting for Gina’s flight. You text Ricky the same thing, letting him know you’re all still waiting for more updates on the delay. The good news is that your mom’s friend from work - who was planning on coming to see the show anyway - is going to stream the show to your mom until she can get there, that way she won’t miss anything.
It doesn’t feel like five minutes has gone by when Natalie is calling for places, ushering everybody into the wings and into their starting places and positions. Hushed whispers of encouragement and break a leg spread through the wings, and everyone falls silent as Miss Jenn begins her curtain speech. It’s unusual for a group of such high energy people to be so still, so quiet, and you soak up every moment of it. This is your favorite part - or one of them, at least; it's those few fleeting minutes when everyone’s backstage in the wings, the opening of the show is seconds away and hurdling closer and closer with every breath, every heartbeat. This is one of those magical, transformative, fleeting times that can only really be described as in between.
You never knew just how much you would miss this, the distinct and irreplaceable energy, the feeling of being in a theater. Tears spring to your eyes as it really hits you that you’re home, back where you’ve always needed to be. You close your eyes, taking deep, measured breaths to focus, to get into that headspace of being in character. Even with your eyes closed, you can feel it around you; the rich wood and cement mixing into different sections of the floor, the heavy curtains, the grid and catwalk and lights, all intangibly high and far away. It’s beautiful. It’s so beautiful that you don’t know how your body is supposed to contain it. You know now that you could never leave, not really. Theatre will always be your home, and you know this feeling will only solidify more and more with time. You realize, too, that it’s a home that will always grow and change and evolve with you, because that’s in its eternal, fleeting nature. That’s the most beautiful part, you think.
You squeeze Seb’s hand in excitement and encouragement and every other good thing, a gesture that he returns. In spite of the silence and the stillness, you know that everyone is just as excited as you are. Ricky’s in the opposite wing, or else you’d be squeezing his hand right now too right now. You use this moment, this stillness that's growing and getting more charged with energy every second, to become laser focused on giving this performance everything you've got - on really getting your head in the game.
Nini looks around, then over at Ricky - again. He’s been avoiding her this whole night, and she can’t stand it. She leans closer.
“I need to talk to you. After the show.” someone shushes her, and she lowers her voice, continuing. “She’s been lying to you about everything. You don’t know everything about her, Ricky.”
“Yes, I-” he cuts himself off, not wanting to feed into this. Not now. “I have to get into character.” He says, moving away from her. He tries to focus on the energy the cast is creating around him, on becoming Troy. He takes a breath, centering himself.
“Without further ado, I am proud to present… East High’s High School Musical: the Musical!” Miss Jenn’s voice is drowned out by applause, and the music begins.
The first few songs and scenes go smoothly; everyone is on time and remembering their cues, and the audience couldn’t be more engaged, applauding and laughing right when you want them to. During Jack Scott’s announcements after Darbus reveals what the winter musical is going to be, you leave to get ready for What I’ve Been Looking For. You pass by Ricky, who’s quick changing for Get’cha Head in the Game, and shoot him a big thumbs up.
“Great job!” you whisper enthusiastically, stomping your feet quietly in excitement.
“Thanks,” he smiles, beaming as he pulls on his jersey. He watches you scurry down the hall before getting nudged toward the stage right before his cue. He shakes his head, wondering why he let Nini get him so worked up before. Of course he knows you. He knows everything about you! There’s absolutely nothing on earth you could tell him that would throw him off, or scare him away from you. She’s probably just making something up to get in his head, to drive a wedge between you. That seems like something she would do lately.
“Let’s see some hustle! Move, move, move!” Coach Bolton calls from onstage, and Ricky jogs over to him, as ready as he'll ever be.
“Sorry I’m late, coach.”
As much as he doesn’t want to admit it, as much as he’s trying to stay in character and stay focused on the scene, Nini’s words are still echoing in the back of his mind, throwing him off a little. He catches his dad’s eye in the crowd as the music starts. He doesn’t think he’s ever looked this proud, and it steadies Ricky. He takes in a breath, and begins to sing. Part way through the song, he notices a woman in the crowd who looks weirdly like his mom. He doesn’t miss a beat, making sure to look in his dad’s direction instead. That’s weird, he thinks, but it can’t be her. There’s no way she’d come all the way from Chicago for something like this. Just like what Nini said to him before the show, he won’t let that distract him from performing, and tries not to let that throw him off.
During the dance break, he gets hooked up to his harness, and his stomach erupts into excited butterflies as he slowly moves up. There’s a collective gasp from the crowd that turns into cheers as he hovers in front of the hoop, ball in hand. Up here, he’s not blinded by the stage lights, and he looks down at the crowd, able to see his dad’s face even better than before. He’s filled with such euphoria, he knows you’re right - nothing can beat this feeling. He feels more alive, more awake than he ever has, simultaneously enveloped by a deep sense of peace, of rightness that he doesn’t want to let go of.
On the other side of the auditorium, someone moves, catching his eye. Some guy is making his way into his seat, presumably because he showed up late. He leans over to his date, kissing her and touching her leg. Nothing could have prepared Ricky for what he saw when he pulled away. Past the blinding stage lights, his stomach plummets back down to earth as he’s able to make out more faces in the audience - including hers. She’s here. She’s really here, and she brought that douchebag with her. She’s whispering something in that bastard’s ear, barely five rows away from his dad. They’re all over each other, talking close and kissing and smiling.
It’s only when she points up at him that he snaps out of it. He realizes the pit has been waitin for his cue a beat or two longer than usual, and follows up quickly with it. He had dropped his basketball when he was up there, and he’s scrambling to make it through the rest of the number. He tries desperately to get back into character, to focus on the lyrics and choreography, to focus on the music instead of what he just saw in front of him, but he can’t shake what just happened, what he just saw. Even as he’s being pulled backstage to change into the costume for his next scene, it takes all his effort not to let that overwhelm him. He can’t crumble right now, not like this. There’s a whole cast and crew, all his friends, that are counting on him. He gets some water, tries to pull himself together.
EJ looks for Ricky backstage, having a few minutes before their next scene. Even he has to admit he was impressed with Ricky’s performance back there. He looked so conflicted, so torn between basketball and singing. He even managed to make his distracted blocking and choreography look so organic EJ was worried he’d messed up for a second. He’s been giving him a hard time, butting heads on and off stage, but Ricky is really shining tonight. He’s committed, and EJ has to commend him for that.
“Ricky,” he says, just loudly enough to get his attention. Ricky turns around. “I have to hand it to you; you’re doing great out there, man. You deserve all the applause you’re getting.”
Ricky takes a breath, closing his water bottle.
“Thanks.”
He stares into space to the ceiling on EJ’s right, gripping his water bottle until his knuckles have a white cast to them. EJ’s brow furrows. He actually seems a little out of it.
“Are you okay?” he asks carefully. They’re not really close like that, but even EJ can see that he seems a little off.
“I’m fine,” he says a little too fast. “I am totally fine. Because it’s opening night, and nothing’s going to ruin this.”
Suddenly it makes sense. He knows exactly what Ricky’s going through. He sighs.
“Look, everybody gets stage fright. Just take a deep breath, and use the music and your lines to stay grounded.” He claps Ricky on the shoulder supportively.
“Thanks,” he chokes out again. EJ leaves to fix his mic tape, and Ricky is once again exactly where he doesn’t want to be - alone with his thoughts. Even though EJ has no idea of the scope of issues Ricky’s dealing with right now, his advice might still work. Instead of waiting in his dressing room, he hovers in the wings, going over the chemistry class scene as it happens, waiting for the lights to go down so he can talk to you, or at least be near you. He’s so tempted to barge onstage and drag you away with him. Instead he listens closely to your dialog with Gabriella. Just hearing your voice is enough for him to hold on to for now.
The lights go down, and you exit into the wings. You’re surprised to find Ricky there - he usually comes up about half way through Jack Scott’s narration. One look at his face and you know something’s wrong. Before you can ask, he’s pulling you into a less busy area by the prop table.
“She’s here.” He grips your arm, hand shaking. He doesn’t need to say anything else, you already have a full grasp on the gravity of the situation, the effect this is having on him.
“Here?” you ask, needing to clarify, and he nods. “Are you okay?” you ask sincerely.
“I’m…” he struggles for an answer, “trying to be.” You take his hands in yours so gently he doesn’t even notice until your thumbs are stroking his skin reassuringly.
“Okay,” you say calmly, and he can see the gears turning, see you figuring out the perfect solution as you speak. “Why don’t you have some water, stay right here, and I’ll go get Miss Jenn, okay?”
He nods, and you move quickly to Natalie, asking her if she knows where Miss Jenn is. She picks up her walkie talkie, asking Miss Jenn to come to the stage right wing. Jack’s narration scene wraps up and the crew changes the set to Darbus’s detention. You have seconds before you have to get out there, and you turn to Ricky, worried about him.
“Are you going to be okay?” you ask in a hushed whisper.
“Yeah.” he says, “I think so.”
You see Miss Jenn walking toward the stage right wing as you’re about to head onstage.
“We’ll talk to her right after.” you tell him in a hushed, reassuring whisper. You give his hand one more squeeze before you find your places in the dark. Moments later, the lights are up, and the scene begins. In all the time you’ve spent acting, you’ve gotten very good at staying in character, compartmentalizing thoughts and worries about your personal life while you’re onstage. You find it a little more difficult to keep the disgust at Lynne Bowen’s blatant lack of basic respect, or even awareness for the consequences of her actions, buried in the back of your mind as the scene plays out.
Sitting on the wooden flooring of the stage, warm under the bright lights, Ricky does exactly what he’s supposed to do - he uses the scene and dialog to stay grounded. He follows the dialog while doing his stage business, listening for his cues just like Miss Jenn thought him to do. If he stays in character, he doesn’t have to think about any offstage drama. As long as he doesn’t look out to that section of seats, as long as he can keep his eyes from being magnetically drawn there, he’s going to be fine. He stays in character, stays right there as Troy, clinging to his character like a life raft. If he can be Troy, he doesn’t have to worry about everything he’s going to have to deal with as Ricky for just a few more minutes. It's desperate and fleeting, but it's the only thing he can do right now.
Soon, the lights are down, and you’re hustling toward the stage right wing, where you know Miss Jenn is waiting. He finds your hand in the dark, the sparkly pink sequins on your outfit unmistakable even in the darkness. He holds onto you desperately, until you’re both standing in front of Miss Jenn. She knows from one look that whatever is going on, it’s bad.
“Um," Ricky starts, swallowing hard, "my mom is here…” he hates that his voice is already trembling so soon. It sounds more like a question than a statement, and his stomach twists at how foreign the word now feels in his mouth. My mom. The last time he called her that had been months ago when he told you and Miss Jenn what had happened. Ever since he’s only referred to her through pronouns and as briefly as possible, trying to disconnect the person she is from who she was supposed to be. Who he thought she was. The closest he’s gotten to addressing her has been vague statements; she didn’t call back, or I think that was her recipe, let’s find a different one. Actually saying it, actually calling her that makes his jaw feel stiff.
“My god.” Miss Jenn says softly, unable to believe that she could have the audacity to show up unannounced after what she put Ricky through. Ricky hesitates, and she knows there’s more. She nods, waiting for him to continue.
“And she, uh,” he swallows thickly, hating his throat for tightening up so much when he has to sing in a few minutes, “she brought her boyfriend…” Your eyes widen and Miss Jenn gasps.
“They’re in the sixth row, they keep talking and kissing, and-” he cuts himself off, unable to continue. His hands are balled up, tight and shaking.
“Okay. Ricky, sweetie, why don’t we talk about this somewhere a little more private.” You both guide him to the boys’ dressing room, and after making sure no one’s in there, she sits down facing him, and takes his hands in hers.
“From the beginning, what happened?”
He was barely able to get it out the first time, but now he can’t stop. Everything he’s been trying so hard to ignore and shove down for the last 20 minutes - and it’s felt way longer than 20 minutes - comes tumbling out. He doesn't think he could stop talking if he tried. He doesn’t even realize how loud he’s getting until Miss Jenn gently shushes him.
“We don’t want the audience to hear us.” he nods, taking a breath for the first time since he started talking. You left a minute ago to check on how much time you have before the next scene, and reenter the dressing room now, looking stressed.
“They’re almost done with Auditions.” you state. You need to go up there now, you and Seb have What I’ve Been Looking For soon, and you don’t want to miss your cue.
“Go,” she says. Ricky nods, so you do, knowing that Miss Jenn has this under control, that she can help Ricky right now. Your footsteps recede, and Ricky turns back to Miss Jenn.
“Ricky,” she starts calmly, “what she did was wildly inappropriate.” He already feels a little better, less crazy, and he waits for her to continue.
“Showing up unannounced with a…" she chooses her words carefully, "date, was… probably the worst thing that could have happened tonight.”
“Yeah,” he scoffs in agreement. She continues.
“You have every right to be as upset as you are. Whatever you need right now, just tell me, okay?” He nods. “I think what we should do is get your dad, and let him know what’s going on. I can try to have one of the ushers escort her out, but I’m sure the last thing you want tonight is even more drama.”
“Got that right,” he breathes, relieved.
“I’m going to talk to EJ and see if he can go on as Troy-”
“What? No.” he protests.
“Ricky-”
“No, Miss Jenn- I have to play Troy. Please, I have to!”
“It might be best for you-”
He stands up suddenly. “What’s best for me is going out there; acting and singing, like we rehearsed - like I’m supposed to! Please, you can’t…”
“Okay,” she says, standing up and trying to calm him down a little. “Okay. If you think you can do it, you can go back out there.”
He relaxes a little.
“Thank you.” his voice breaks as he speaks, and she realizes how badly he needs this right now.
“Why don’t we revisit this at intermission, see how you’re feeling then? Just to check up on you.” she adds quickly.
“Okay.” he agrees. She puts a hand on his arm.
“I’m going to let EJ know to get ready, just in case you change your mind. We’ve got to be ready for anything, right?” She smiles gently, one he tries to return.
“Right,” he says. A stagehand pokes his head into the room.
“Troy, we need you.”
“Be right there,” Miss Jenn says. She claps her hand over Ricky’s one more time. “Okay, Ricky, here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to go out there and sing a ballad with Gabriella that will make the audience swoon,” he smiles, “and I am going to do my best to get this situation resolved as quickly and discreetly as possible. If anything else happens, or you need anything, come tell me right away.”
“Okay.” he says, this time, with a note of determination in his voice. Miss Jenn pats him on the back, sending him off. He runs through the halls, making it just in time. Once he’s in the wings, she pulls out her phone to text Mike, and fill him in on everything that’s going on. He enters on Gabriella’s cue, and Miss Jenn pauses, watching him deliver his lines. All the distress, all the pain melts away as he steps into character.
It’s giving him a break from everything, she thinks, it has been the whole time. Theatre isn’t just a luxury or a passion for some people, it’s a means of survival. It hits her all at once, that in staying here, in facing the challenges and struggles that came from directing this show, she’s helping Ricky through one of the hardest things he’ll ever go through. She’s become the person she needed when she was his age; with only one parent, feeling completely lost at sea. Her chest squeezes, and she watches them sing, their voices sending a chill through her.
Backstage, in the few dark moments of the set change for Cellular Fusion, Nina somehow manages to corner you.
“What did you do to him?” she demands, and you know she’s referring to Ricky, who exited to the other wing. You stare at her, aghast. You lean in close, lowering your voice, desperately holding on to your professionalism.
“We have to go onstage, literally right now. I am not doing this with you right now.”
“Huh,” she scoffs with a fake smile, “you’re one to talk.” You have approximately two seconds to look at her, baffled by everything she’s saying, before you have to go on. You enter, and hit your mark. At the cue, you and Seb begin to harmonize. Right as you do, your phone - tucked away in the wings - silently begins to buzz. Your phone lights up with a text from your mom, informing you that Gina’s flight has finally landed, and they’ll be at the theater any minute.
You run off stage as Cellular Fusion wraps up, and Miss Jenn and Carlos are trying to figure out what to do about the Taylor dance break coming up. Kourtney has been doing great so far, but she doesn’t think she can handle choreography that complicated with so little time to rehearse.
“I could tell the pit to cut that section…” Carlos offers. You check your phone and your eyes light up, looking at the doorway.
“Uh,” you start with a smile, “I don’t think that will be an issue…”
Miss Jenn, Carlos, and Kourtney look over at Gina, smiling timidly.
“Oh, thank god,” Miss Jenn chokes out. She turns to Kourtney, then Gina. “You, go out there before you miss your cue. And you, quick change into something more 2006 before the dance break.”
They both agree, and a stagehand runs over with something for Gina to change into, guiding her to the dressing rooms.
“Is he doing any better?” you ask Miss Jenn before you go on. You don’t have much time, but you need to know if he’s okay.
“A little,” she says, “I think.” You both know it’s better than nothing, and you’re just hoping whatever he’s doing keeps working.
Stick to the Status Quo couldn’t be going any better. There’s so much happening, so much organized chaos, that he forgets about everything for a few wonderful minutes. There’s no time to think about that when he’s dancing on tables, begging his classmates not to sacrifice their individuality so they can fit in. It only gets better when you and Seb enter toward the end of the number. You look so genuinely pissed off that people are breaking free from the boxes they’ve been put in, and your voices sound perfect harmonizing together, reverberating through the auditorium.
He tries in vain to stop Zeke from giving you a cake, watching with bated breath as it smashes into your face. He turns away, just like he’s supposed to, but his eyes accidentally land on the one place in the audience he shouldn't be looking at. His stomach plummets. Has she been on her phone this whole time? After running from everything this whole night, it finally gets the best of him. He can’t stand it any longer, running into the wings as you let out an ear shattering scream, loud enough to finally make her look up.
“Someone… is going… to pay for this!” you yell furiously, before the lights go down. The curtain draws to a close as applause thunders through the building. The lights in the house go up for intermission, and you hear a slow rise of chatter as people mill about and make conversation as you exit the stage. You grab a makeup wipe a stagehand has ready, thanking them as Natalie calls out that intermission is starting, and you have 20 minutes to places for act two.
“Thank you 20,” you call out distractedly, searching for Ricky. You run to the back, wiping the rest of the whipped cream off your face, and check the boys dressing room to see if he’s in there. He is, sitting in there by himself, seeming worse than before. One look at his face and you know something else happened.
“She was on her fucking phone the whole time!” he states in disbelief, “Like…” The words dry up as he holds a pillow in his lap in a death grip.
“Oh my god…” you say, shaking your head. He’s not doing good, clearly. No one would be in his position. He pulls you in for a hug as soon as you’re close enough, one you reciprocate. He holds onto you tight, feeling just a little more stable as soon as you’re in his arms. Surrounded by your familiar grasp, it’s just a little easier to breathe, to think clearly. Unfortunately, it also means he has a much clearer grasp on everything that’s happened tonight and how it’s affecting him, how he feels about it. His dad is right behind you, and he lets go of you long enough to stand up and greet him. His dad pulls him into a hug, patting his back.
“I’m so sorry, kid. I had no idea she was going to pull something like this.” Mike’s voice wavers, and when Ricky doesn’t answer, you know it’s because he’s choked up. Miss Jenn enters a moment later, walking over to Ricky and Mike.
“The both of them have been removed from the premises.” She states.
“Thank you,” Mike says earnestly.
“Oh, it was nothing a little faked parking violation couldn't take care of," she says, earning a small smile from Mike. She turns to Ricky, continuing. “I filled you dad in on what’s been going on, too.”
“Maybe we should just go home,” Mike offers, knowing he probably won’t want to.
“No,” he protests, “I can do act two, I want to. Plus, if we leave now, she’ll know where we are and she’s going to ambush us again, and-”
“The one place you’re guaranteed not to run into her is here at the theater.” you finish quietly.
“Yeah,” Ricky agrees, motioning to you. Mike considers, weighing his options. Since she���s gone, if Ricky thinks he can handle it, he doesn’t see why he can’t do the second half of the show - especially since he seems to want to so badly. Maybe now isn’t the time to take that away from him, even if he means well.
“Okay,” he sighs. “But if anything happens, if you change your mind at all-”
“You’re the first to know.” Ricky agrees quickly.
“I want you to stay plugged in with me, okay?” Mike says, putting a hand on his shoulder, “Text me when you’re not onstage, let me know how you’re doing.” Ricky agrees again. Miss Jenn looks between them.
“Alright. Well, in that case, Ricky, you should get changed for act two.” She says with a tentative smile. He nods.
“Thank you. Thank you guys.” he says sincerely to his dad and Miss Jenn. Before you leave, you catch his eye.
“I’m going to refill my water, then I’ll be back here, okay?”
“Sounds good." He says, "Hurry back,” he adds quickly, giving you that sweet look with those big puppy dog eyes, and it makes your chest squeeze.
“Absolutely.” you agree.
You barely leave the dressing room before you're met with Nina. She barges forward and stands in front of you, arms crossed, and you realize she's waiting for you to move out of the way so she can get into the boys' dressing room. You don't budge.
“I need to talk to Ricky. I heard what happened, and I'm the only one who can convince him to go on for the second act, and I don’t need you-”
“Wow,” you begin, cutting her off, once again amazed at her audacity, “now is really not a good time. Don’t go in there and stir things up.”
She looks you up and down, letting out an indignant scoff.
“Don’t act like you know him like that. I’ve known him since we were in kindergarten, I know him better than anyone.”
You take in a deep breath, trying so hard to stay patient.
“Sure. You know him better than anyone.” you say, in a pacifying tone, “So you should know the last thing he needs is more pressure on him when he’s in the middle of a family crisis, right?” The question is rhetorical, and you continue, patience with her finally starting to run thin. “If you actually care about him, then for the sake of his well being you’ll leave him alone and let him get through this. Now is really not the time, Nina, read the goddamn room!”
The sentence is finished with an aggravated, humorless laugh. Your priorities right now are Ricky, and getting through opening night. You need to help him process some of the shit that's been happening tonight, make sure he’s okay, so he can perform like he wants to. The last thing he needs is Nina barging in there and telling him he’s letting the cast down, or that he’s not serious about theatre, and that he should have quit after auditions - all of which you’ve heard more times than you can count over the duration of rehearsals, even up to a few days ago.
You’ve tried so hard to be patient with her, but dear god, she’s really starting to get on your last nerve - nevermind the fact that you have a special type of hatred for the kind of people like Nina, who shit on people that are still learning about something they have more experience in; like telling someone they’re not serious about theatre because it’s their first show, for example.
“Do not fuck with him right now.” you state, rolling your eyes at her shocked expression.
You push past her, walking over to the water fountain. She watches you walk away, mouth hanging open, and lets out an indignant scoff. You swear to god, if one more thing goes wrong tonight, if one more person tries you, you’re going to absolutely lose it. You take a few deep breaths as you fill up your bottle, trying to calm down and center yourself a little. Once you’re done, you start to walk back to the dressing rooms, but you’re stopped by a woman who is definitely not cast or crew. She sees you and approaches, seeming a little pissy.
“I’m looking for Ricky Bowen?” she states. As she speaks, your stomach drops.
You recognize her voice from when you heard it on the phone, and from the voicemail Ricky showed you over Thanksgiving. This is Lynne Bowen. As in, the Lynne Bowen. The one that left. The same woman who’s made such a tactless and selfish decisions over and over that have ultimately caused her son to be on the verge of a breakdown just down the hall from where you’re standing right now.
“You are not supposed to be back here.” you state, desperately trying to figure out how to handle this. You pull out your phone and text Miss Jenn, ‘code red, really need backup’.
“Can you just tell me where Ricky Bowen is? I’m his mother.” she says it in a way immediately expects sympathy from you, sympathy she doesn’t receive. You stare at her blankly, and she continues, much less kind than she’d been pretending to be. “I need to see my son, okay? Maybe when you’re a mother someday you’ll understand-”
You’re not sure what about her, about the way she’s talking to you specifically is the last straw for you, but your patience is already running so thin it’s practically transparent. Against your better judgment, you cut her off.
“He does not want to see you. He doesn’t want to speak to you - or be anywhere near you right now, for the record - and you need to fucking respect that, okay?” you say decisively, offense written all over her face, “And you are really not allowed to be backstage if you’re not cast or crew, which you’re clearly not-”
“You are way out of line, young lady!” she yells, “I don’t care if he doesn’t want to talk. I’ll talk to him if I want to; I’m his mother.” She adjusts her purse, clearly expecting you to fold, to tell her where he is. You know you should keep your mouth shut, you know you should be diplomatic and patient and professional like you always are, you should wait for Miss Jenn to handle this, but you’ve spent the past three months watching Ricky suffer because of this woman and her choices. You can’t stay quiet when the woman who hurt him is right in front of you.
“I think you lost the right to pull that shit when you walked out the door and chose not to be in his life!” you snap, a dangerous smile on your face. The stunned look on her face is better than anything you’ve ever seen. It’s clear no one has ever tried to take her down a peg until now.
“How dare-”
“You gave him a free pass to hate you forever, because you’re not the parent who stayed! You didn’t try-”
Your words lose momentum as you find yourself suddenly looking at the wall to your right, your cheek stinging. The sound of her slapping you across the face echos across the walls for a moment before fading away, and you freeze, tears prickling the corners of your eyes from shock.
“Listen here you little slut,” she says, much more ferocious than before. All facades of a concerned mother have melted away. “You have no right to talk to me like that-”
“What the fuck?!”
You snap out of it, and she turns around at Ricky’s voice at the end of the hall.
“Ricky, my baby,” she starts, walking toward him, but she’s thrown off at how distant he seems toward her. “I’m sorry you had to see that, this girl is so-”
“Don’t ever talk about her like that again.” His voice is stone cold as he brushes past her, analyzing your expression closely to see if you’re alright.
“Are you okay?” he asks, voice shaky.
“I’m fine,” you say as calmly as possible, “are you okay?”
He’s decidedly not, but he tries to pull himself together.
“If you are, that’s all that matters.” Behind him, growing impatient, Lynne takes a step forward.
“Ricky,” she demands. He takes a breath, and leans closer to you.
“You should change for act two.” You look between them, wishing there was something else you could do, some way that you could make this better. You agree, stopping before you leave for your dressing room.
“Text me if you need anything.” you say seriously, and he agrees, understanding the subtext of your words. Text you if he needs backup, or if it gets to be too much, because you’re there for him. Lynne moves toward him again.
“Can we talk?” she says with a domineering tone to her voice, and you both know it’s not a question. You want to object, but all he wants is to get her away from you. He nods, indicating you should go, and you do - albeit, very reluctantly. He turns back to her.
“Yeah,” he says seriously, “I think we need to.”
She grabs his arm to lead him down another stretch of hallway, but he shakes her off immediately, walking a few feet in front of her.
“Ricky, are you alright?” she demands, once they’re relatively out of earshot. She crosses her arms. “I was so worried about you when you ran offstage like that.”
“I’m surprised you noticed.” he murmurs. She either ignores him or doesn’t hear. Regardless, she continues.
“Why did you leave? Is it stage fright? Because a lot of people are counting on you, honey. You made a commitment to this-”
“You’re one to talk about commitment,” he mutters, voice low, but loud enough to be heard. His impulse control is not at all where it should be, especially with how she just talked to you, what she called you.
“I’m sorry?” Lynne demands. She’s not used to Ricky yelling at her. She’s always had a lot of influence over him. He used to do everything she said, he’s always been such a mama’s boy until now.
“I mean, do you ever think about anyone besides yourself?” he snaps, “Did you even care that you ruined the only thing I’ve been able to count on in my life- I can never get this night back, Lynne. And now…” he trails off, trying so hard to regulate his emotions, even though he knows he’s out of control. He takes a shaky breath, trying with everything he has inside him to reign it back in a little.
“...Why would you bring him to the show?”
Lynne looks stunned at his question.
“Wh-” she starts, “This is about Todd?”
“Why would you bring him here?” He demands, repeating himself.
“I…” she struggles for an answer, “wanted him to meet you.” she infuses as much guilt into her words as she can. He should feel bad for the way he’s speaking to her. “I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to throw you off.”
It doesn’t work this time, and he refuses to back down, to fawn for her. He doesn’t buy it for a second.
“So you waited until I was suspended, mid air over a basketball hoop, for me to see you all… cozied up together? You didn’t think - not for one second - that might be just a little upsetting to me?!”
“Ricky-”
“And what about dad, huh? How do you think he feels watching you feel each other up right in front of him?” tears brim in the corners of his eyes as everything he’s been suppressing all night, all these weeks and months finally breaks the surface. She lets out an indignant scoff and tries to say something, but he ignores her and keeps going. It’s an avalanche now, and he couldn’t stop even if he wanted to.
“He didn’t leave the couch for a week after you left!” he roars, remembering how hard it was to see his dad like that, to have to be the one to drag him out of it.
“...I didn’t know that-”
“How could you?!” he laughs bitterly, "You weren't there!" He screams. He doesn't think it's ever felt better to say something than it does now. "You weren't there the whole time I was rehearsing, you weren't the one running lines and going over blocking, and teaching me how to listen for cues and do stage makeup and quick change! You weren't there for any of the work that went into this, and you just waltz in here with the newest guy you're screwing to your fucking son's musical like you've been here the whole time, but you havent!" He's never yelled at her like this, but a part of him thinks after how much she hurt him - and his dad - it's long overdue. "You don't get to enjoy this show, and you don't get to be around me, or dad, or anything we do because you walked out!"
"You are way out of line-" she starts, voice cracking.
"No, you know what’s way out of line?" He demands, all too ready to throw her words back in her face. "Breaking my heart, breaking dad’s heart, then acting like everything is fine when it’s not!"
"You think I wanted to leave you?!" She screams back at him.
"Yeah," he answers quickly, "I do, because you did! And you know what? I'm glad you left." He spits, watching the pain grow in her eyes, his words like venom.
"All you do is hurt us."
She blinks like she was just slapped. He takes a step forward, shaking, angry tears silently spilling from his eyes. When he speaks, his voice is low and dead serious.
"Don't call me anymore."
Before she can say anything, he starts to walk away. She calls out to him, desperate to get the last word in, to make him know how much pain his words have caused her.
"You are really hurting me, Ricky." She says, voice shaking as she cries, "you're breaking your mother's heart."
The sound of his mother crying like that because of something he said should have wrecked him, but he pushes away any last remaining scraps of guilt his rage hasn't burned away yet. He turns back to her, no love in his eyes, and laughs bitterly.
"Yeah, I guess it runs in the family. You know, the one thing I got from you is the ability to ruin any relationship I have, so thanks for that, mom." He spits, turning to leave. She takes a step forward.
"Don’t you walk away from me-"
"Like mother like son, huh?" He barks. With that, he's gone. He doesn't stick around for any more of her manipulation or guilt tactics. He just really, really needs to see you right now.
#ricky bowen#ricky bowen x reader#ricky bowen angst#hsmtmts#hsmtmts x reader#hsmtmts angst#high school musical the musical the series#high school musical the musical the series x reader#high school musical the musical the series angst#:)#brace yourself#not sorry for this btw#it does in fact get worse#rocks at your window
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✨230309 - What is the keyword of Onew’s 1st full album ‘Circle’? Onew reveals plans for group activities
SHINee’s Onew made a comeback with a solo album.
Onew’s first full album "Circle", which was released on March 6, consists of a total of 10 songs, expressing a variety of life moments that everyone can relate to, such as love and break up, expectations and disappointments, growth and anxiety, etc. with Onew’s voice alone. The following are questions and answers about Onew’s first fullalbum "Circle".
— Please tell us your impressions of the release of your first fullalbum "Circle".
Onew: It's an album that I carefully worked on with many staff members, and I'm really happy that people are finally able to listen to it. I'm looking forward to promoting the album and seeing what happens.
— Prior to the release of the album, you also held a first solo concert, but please tell us if there were any parts that you paid special attention to in preparation.
Onew: I thought that the culture of performing should be something that everyone can enjoy without missing anything. In particular, I wanted to prepare a performance that the audience and I would create together, and that would leave a lasting impression for a long time. I paid attention to the set list and tried to create scents that matched it.
— How would you describe this album with one keyword? Can you tell us why?
Onew: Healing, recovery, circulation? When I think about it, there are a lot of keywords (laughs). I created it with the conviction that no matter what happens, good moments will come back. Also, since it was my first full-length album, I tried a lot of different things to get people to listen to the good songs. I think the album is more like "I've always liked songs like this" rather than being like "I can do this".
— What are the highlights of the title track "O (Circle)"?
Onew: All the elements representing the title track "O (Circle)" are in good harmony. I worked hard to prepare the lyrics, singing style, choreography, images, etc., so that people would think of each of them as one feeling, rather than being different.
— How was the first time you heard the title track "O (Circle)"? Why did you decide on the title track?
Onew: I thought "Wow, that's great, I think I should do this". However, my first time listening to the song was before the release of ‘DICE’ album, so the timing didn’t match. It was a song that I was definitely going to do next, but this time everyone will listen to it.
— You have prepared many contents related to the album, such as preview images, mood samplers, music video, etc. Please tell us if there are any memorable episodes from the time of shooting.
Onew: There were many cold days when we were shooting, but the staff around me put in a lot of effort. Everyone worked hard until dawn and gave me energy. Thanks to them, I was able to shoot with a bright smile. I want to transmit my gratitude again.
— What is your favorite song on the album, except for the title track?
Onew: I guess it would be "Expectations"? It took the longest time, but this time I can't choose one of them (laughs).
— How do you want this album to be evaluated?
Onew: I would like to be told that “the album Onew puts out are worth listening to at least once”.
— How do you feel about SHINee's 15th anniversary this year? What if you could give a spoiler about SHINee's comeback?
Onew: Time flies really fast. I remember every moment about SHINee. They say that everything changes in 10 years, but in 15 years, it’s about half the time, but I feel like I’m always in the same place. I’m always grateful. And to give a spoiler, hm... "Concert"?
— Please give a message to the fans who always support you.
Onew: Thank you for always waiting. I think it’s more accurate to say that we are walking together than waiting, but we will continue to work hard and happily so that SHINee and Onew will always be somewhere in the hearts of our fans!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Credits: Kstyle
JPN - ENG translation: @DiamondTaem
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Why Toki’s Character Development is Good, Actually
I’ve seen a lot of people comment on the changes Toki’s character goes through in the series, either wildly misinterpreting it or saying how it “ruined” his character. While I won’t police your opinion, I feel like I should at least write about why his change in behavior is important to acknowledge and appreciate.
It’s no secret that Toki is the only main character that goes through major character development, that changes the way he interacts with others and the overarching story. It’s no coincidence that he also has the most trauma to unpack. While the series starts exploring this topic much earlier in the series, the first episode I will discuss is S1E16, Dethkids, marking the major shift in Toki’s character.
Up until this episode, Toki hadn’t been developed all that much, and he didn’t really have much to him. He was mostly depicted as the silly, naive one, but in a mature way. He had some childish moments, like his musical number in Dethwater, and his model airplanes in Mordland but other than that, he’s pretty much your average metalhead. He fits right in.
Of course, this changes in Dethkids. The episode starts with Toki frustrated, ironically for the same reason many children are. He’s tired of being seen as a kid. And, as most children do, he rebels. He expresses the anger and pain in himself by inflicting it upon others because that’s all he’s ever known.
But with the introduction of Juliette, the little dying girl, his point of view changes. Juliette’s song is played over a scene of Toki being hit as a child, around ages 5-8 years old. It’s INCREDIBLY IMPORTANT TO NOTE that Juliette’s design is DELIBERATELY made to mirror that of child Toki. The same hairstyle, and the same tooth gap. As the song progresses and comes to a close, they sing together, and the final shot is of Juliette sitting in her wheelchair, the child version of Toki sitting across from her also in a wheelchair.
It’s a pretty in-your-face metaphor that Toki feels as though his child self died, further solidified about thirty seconds later when Juliette herself dies for real.
This event makes Toki realize that the way he’s been doing things to cope hasn’t been working. And, from this point to the end of the series, he begins age regressing.
It’s not a coincidence that the very next episode is the introduction of Rockso’s and Toki’s “friendship”.
From then on, season 2 is big for Toki’s development. He begins acting more and more like a child, while also developing problems with alcoholism.
The abusive side of his friendship with Rockso is first shown in S2E6, Cleanzo. Toki is shown to be very prone to manipulation and peer pressure, much like a child.
It’s important to note that, beginning in this season and for the rest of the series, rabbits are used to represent Toki and his mental state. First shown in S2E9 Dethcarraldo, Toki’s ancient animal form is a rabbit. Notably, Toki is the only prey animal of dethklok. All the other members are vicious predators. Rabbits are typically used to represent innocence, hope, and rebirth.
Our next stop in Toki’s development is S2E15 Dethdad, a major episode for him. In this episode, his abusive father is dying, and on the way to go visit him for the final time, Toki tries to avoid facing his trauma. A Timelapse of Toki’s punishments is shown before he has a breakdown and refuses to see his father, running away, much like a kid would.
After this, Toki has his second major song. It’s sung in a high-pitched, off-key childish tone. Not only is his manner of singing childish, but the lyrics are as well.
I hates everythings,
Includins my dads,
And also myselfs,
Why is everything so hard for Toki?
The wording in his lyrics greatly resembles that of a young child who doesn’t quite know how to express their emotions. He knows he’s hurting, and he knows it’s because of his father, but he still reflects it back at himself. The next few lines are interesting, in relation to his age regression.
Ams I a boy?
Ams I a mans?
If I hates you so much, why does it make me so sad?
And if I held you too close, will you dies in my hands?
The first two lines are incredibly notable, reinstating the fact that he never got the chance to properly grow up. He’s a child’s ghost stuck in the body of an adult, and he can’t tell which he is.
Of course, even though he forgives his father, the episode does not end well for him. This causes a downward spiral of sorts for the next few episodes. In snakes n’ barrels II, he has a violent outburst (mirrored by a hallucination of a rabbit turning into a murderous beast), and in Dethrelease, his alcoholism is out of control.
So, at the end of season 2, his mental health is at an all time low. He still feels like a child in a man’s body, and he hasn’t fully resolved his trauma.
In season 3, we see him lean more into his childish tendencies. Petting cute kitties, talking to Santa, and playing with plushies. He has two songs this season, although neither of them are in his major character development episode of the season, which, like his other songs, happen during moments of distress, confusion, or otherwise negative emotions.
Although he doesn’t have a song in S3E9 Dethzazz, and is inactive for most of the episode, it’s still incredibly important to his development. We see the return of his response to immense trauma for the first time since season 1: going still. Toki spends most of the episode in a catatonic state, going in and out of flashbacks of horrifying things that happened in his childhood. It’s revealed that Toki loves Rockso so much because he helps him age regress, and therefore cope, Tswhich is rather obviously shown through a scene of Toki transforming from his child self to his adult self and vice versa by hugging rockso.
His childish tendencies are also later shown in Doublebookedklok, with him hitting his bandmates to get attention. On more occasions than one, Charles is a metaphorical stand-in for the father each of the band members needs. In this episode, Charles reassures him, and tells him that “Everyone likes you, and thinks you’re really cool. I think you’re really cool.”, a statement he never heard from his biological father. Toki responds by hugging Charles and crying.
It’s about here that I find it important to point out that, consistently, throughout the whole series, even before dethkids, Toki’s voice becomes high-pitched and squeaky when upset or stressed.
Going forward into season 4, this is when Toki, and the rest of dethklok, begin to gain current-day traumas. As the members grow farther and farther apart, Toki regresses more, eventually turning to someone who he thinks is a supportive and kind figure in his life: Magnus. Unlike Rockso, Magnus plays into Toki’s childlike tendencies, speaking to him gently and pretending to take care of him. He does this all the way until he kidnaps him, saying “It’s okay Toki, it’s okay, just stay next to me.” Before he stabs him.
This all comes into culmination in the Doomstar Requiem, when, for the first time, Toki’s regression is not only acknowledged, but encouraged, to escape the horrific reality of torture and death, leading to the song I Believe.
Now, why the hell did I write all this? Why do I find Toki’s character development so important? I wanted to point out that it’s an undeniable fact that he age regresses. it’s a matter of representation.
At no point in the series is Toki ridiculed for being childish. Sure, his less desirable behaviors like hitting and whining are pointed out, but not once is his regression shown to be an inherently negative thing. It's just part of him. It always will be. As someone who age regresses to cope with trauma myself, it’s incredible to see. Not a single character in any media I've ever consumed has been shown to regress in age as a coping mechanism. Not only is it a unique representation, but it’s incredibly written as well. Layers upon layers of metaphors and symbolism come together to form a masterpiece of character writing. Whether you like the “new” Toki or not, it’s undeniable that love, thought, and emotion were put into his development.
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Hello!
Class 1b with a spouse/friend who’s a really good singer! If you’re not busy
I actually didnt know what to write for some of the class for this one lol
Not proofread we die like men
Awase -
He loves when you just hum or quietly sing under your breath while he does something else nearby. Sometimes he joins it and it ends up with you two screaming the song lyrics.
Sen -
After you hum or sing a song to yourself he will silently cuss you out for getting it stuck in his head.
Kamakiri -
He doesn't give a flying fuck. He doesn't mind when you hum quietly when your in the same room but he doesn't point it out or does anything about it.
Kuroiro -
He would text you at exactly midnight (cuz he thinks its cooler and more edgy that way) and simply ask for a voice recording of you singing his new favorite emo song
Kendo -
Talked about doing a concert with your singing for the school festival but she ended up deciding against it after hearing class a was doing one. She still had you and a few others put on a smaller concert for just class b
Kodai -
She enjoys your singing from a distance. She doesn't really express any specific feelings towards your singing but she does gravitate towards whatever room you happen to be humming in.
Komori -
Shes your number one hype man. After every performance she bombards you with compliments <3
Shiozaki -
She often refers to your voice as angelic or being one of gods gifts. She also briefly mentions that she would love for you to sing her one or two songs. (Christian songs ofc)
Shishida -
He can probably play some fancy ass instrument (like violin or smthn) so you two put together a little mini concert for all of class 1-b <3
Shoda -
He likes listening to you sing/hum while he does other things. Sometimes he'll bring whatever hes doing closer to you so he can hear you better
Pony -
Asks if you can sing different anime openings every 10 minutes. It gets to the point where she starts asking foe the openings for animes you never even heard of
Tsubaraba -
Every single song is now a duet. You, actually singing and being great at it and kosei that sounds like a dieing cow
Tetsutetsu -
He is 100% convinced he can also sing, every time he sees you hes just like "yo check out this new song I learned!" And he just starts screaming.
Tokage -
You two have fucking rap battles lmao. She always wins because even though you can overall sing and rhyme better she can hit where it hurts lmao
Manga -
"You know that anime about the idol that gets fucking murdered episode one..." "yea?" "I drew you in her fit from the scene she got stabbed." "Thx manga....." tis pretty much it lmao
Honenuki -
After you sing or something he will walk up to you with a glass of water and makes sure your voice is feeling fine.
Bondo -
Hes always happy to hear you sing. Hes asked before if you ever thought of making your own music and he highly encourages it!
Monoma -
"Class 1-A should quake at the sound of your singing! They wish they had someone with half the angelic voice!" "What about Jiro?" "Her? She sounds like kosei when he sings..."
Reiko -
The only real reaction you get from her is a cool or nice but thats about it. She doesn't mind it but she doesn't go out of her way to mention it either.
Rin -
His favorite pass time is you messing with his hair while you hum gently to yourself. The mixture of your angelic voice and your hands going through his hair putting it in whatever style you please just makes his day <3
I dont know how to end these things anymore if feels weird to just have it cut off lmao <3
#bnha headcannons#bnha headcanons#class 1b#mha headcanons#rin hiryu#awase yousetsu#kosei tsuburaba#sen kaibara#shihai kuroiro#togaru kamakiri#itsuka kendou#kinoko komori#yui kodai#ibara shiozaki#jurota shishida#nirengeki shoda#pony tsunotori#tetsutetsu tetsutetsu#setsuna tokage#manga fukidashi#juzo honenuki#kojiro bondo#neitomonoma#reiko yanagi#not proofread
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One Last Kiss
Fandom: Bones
Rating: T
Pairing: Sweetooth (mentions of polyamory)
Word Count: 975
Warnings: angst, set during 10x01, kissage, pre-existing poly, Sweets p.o.v., set in my poly verse
Summary: Sweets and Booth after Daisy drops by.
A/N: technically this is a sequel to my unfinished Sweets/Booth/Bones fic, but it wouldn't leave me alone and I don't want it sitting in my docs forever. Just know that the three of them were in a polyamorous relationship during his stay with them in s8 and they still had sporadic sex throughout s8&9. Title is from the song from Bye Bye Birdie (the lyrics are actually rather fitting considering how the episode goes)
Lance watched Daisy shut the door behind her as she left the apartment, chewing his lip nervously. He heard Booth shift behind him and turned to face him with a smile he hoped wasn't too guilty-looking.
"So, a baby, huh?"
"Uh, yeah. Look, Booth, I'm sorry I never said anything. I only found out about a month before all this started and we were waiting for the right moment, but…"
Booth closed the space between them and clasped his hands on Sweets' shoulders, his gaze softening as it locked with the psychologist's.
"Sweets, hey, no, I get it, alright. I'm not…I'm not mad at you about this. Hell, I'm happy for you, really. What did Bones and I tell you when you moved out, huh?"
"That even though we weren't living together anymore, it didn't mean we'd stop being a family."
"Exactly. We're a family, Sweets, and Daisy, and little Lance Jr., they're gonna be a part of that family now, too. You have nothing to be sorry about, okay? Me and Bones, we're always gonna love you, and we'll always be here for you, kid."
Sweets nodded, the guilt about Booth finding out about Daisy's pregnancy this way now shifting into guilt about the focus suddenly being on his life rather than the real problems Booth had come here to discuss.
"God, Booth, you came here to work on what's happening with the investigation and I've gone and made it all about me."
"Don't be. Seriously. There's really not much more to talk about anyways, until Bones and the team find more evidence. I'm sorry for the blow up over it when you stopped by the house, I'm just…laser-focused right now."
Sweets pulled away and sat on the couch, gesturing for Booth to do the same.
"I've missed you, Booth. I hate that I couldn't come see you, but Bones told me you said it might compromise the investigation."
"Yeah. I didn't want them tailing you. You don't need that. Visiting me in there, the guys at the Bureau would've stopped trusting you; you needed all avenues open in case something popped up, you know?"
"I understand. It was just hard." Sweets turned to face Booth, not quite able to meet his gaze. "I told Daisy about us, about our situation."
"Oh? Oh…um, does Bones know you told her?"
"Dr. Brennan was the one who suggested it." Sweets looked at Booth, breathing out a sign of relief when he saw that he wasn't angry, just slightly worried. "She said she thought Daisy was the type of person who would understand, and that it was important for her to hear it from me, as early as possible, rather than finding out down the road. And, she was right. Daisy was, is, perfectly accepting of it."
"Is?"
"We've discussed it, and included Bones in the discussion, and she's okay with it if we continue on the way we have been. Actually, she's expressed interest in maybe being included in our dynamic, if you're okay with it."
"Really?"
"Yeah. They haven't done anything, because Dr. Brennan wasn't able to discuss it with you, but it's obvious she and Daisy have a connection that goes deeper than just working together at the Jeffersonian. And, Daisy has admitted she thinks you're appealing."
Booth chuckled lightly, the worry disappearing from his face. He gave Sweets a cocky grin.
"She thinks I'm hot, huh?"
Lance rolled his eyes and grinned back.
"Well, you do have that ruggedly handsome thing going for you. Especially with that stubble." Sweets huffed out a breath. "Booth, can I just kiss you already? Can we just…can I just have that, and we save all the complicated talk for later? I-I know you just got out of that place, and you probably have a shit load of stuff running through your head, but I just need-"
Sweets' babble was cut off by the press of Booth's lips against his, and he let himself just melt into the kiss as an arm wrapped around him, pulling him closer. This was what he had needed, what he had been missing the last three months. Booth's all-encompassing passion as he took the lead. It was present in everything the older man did, and no less evident in this moment as he deepened the kiss, urging Sweets' lips to part. He moaned into Booth's mouth as their tongues met, and fisted a hand into his shirt, clutching him close as the kiss lingered on.
Booth was the one to break away, just as Sweets' other hand crept its way towards his lap, pressing his forehead to the younger's, breath coming out in ragged pants.
"I can't, Sweets, not now."
Sweets swallowed down the whimper of regret, the sting of rejection pushed aside by logic. Booth had only been out of prison for such a short time, of course he would need more time to readjust. He'd barely even had enough time to be with Dr. Brennan and Christine before he came here, it was unreasonable to expect him to be in a place, mentally or emotionally, to want the kind of intimacy the kiss was leading towards.
"It's okay, Booth, I understand, really."
"Thanks." Booth released his hold on Sweets and stood up. "Look, I gotta check in with Bones and see if the team has made any progress. And keep this new guy Aubrey from looking too closely. Man, he gets on my nerves."
"Alright. You'll keep me informed, right? And, you'll call me if you need anything? Anything at all. I'm here for you and Dr. Brennan. So's Daisy."
"Yeah, I know, kid. I'll let you know if something comes up. And..thanks. For this, for everything."
Lance smiled that 'don't mention it' smile of his and watched Booth walk out the door, lips faltering into a worried frown.
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Playlist Analysis: #8 - Two Men In Love
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#8. Two Men Man-Shaped Beings In Love – The Irrepressibles
This is an Aziraphale song.
Overview:
Heads up: this is a long one. I don’t blame you if you don’t get through it, but I think you’ll enjoy it.
One of the most important things about this song that I will refer to many times is “The Heartbeat.” Throughout most of the song there is a percussive beat present that sounds like a heartbeat. At times it is soft and slow, sometimes it’s too quiet to hear, or it speeds up and gets louder. This signals levels of emotional arousal, especially when compared with general musical harmony, discordance, volume, and emotions expressed by the vocals. If you are reading this without listening to the songs, this is the one I feel most strongly that listening to the music itself is equally as important as analyzing the lyrics. I would absolutely love to hear more analysis of this from someone with more musical education.
To accurately understand my analysis of this song you need to understand my opinions/assumptions on what’s happening at the end of episode 6. I don’t believe that Aziraphale was mind controlled but I do believe he was manipulated. Despite manipulation to ply him, Aziraphale knows they are still in danger being together as angel and demon and he believes that two angels in love is the only chance they have for peace. That bringing Crowley to heaven to be reinstated as an angel* won’t change anything about who Crowley is fundamentally, it’s just a matter of citizenship. During Companion to Owls when Aziraphale said, “I know the angel you were,” he believed that Crowley was still the same being inside despite the change in teams, and Aziraphale still believes that about him. Crowley is only Evil™ because it’s been a requirement to his survival after being cast out. Crowley doesn’t understand this is how he feels. All Aziraphale’s language is too coded because he knows they are still not safe despite the last few years of non-interference and despite seeing Gabriel and Beelzebub go off together.
Crowley has asked Aziraphale to run away from their home (the world) three times in order to take whatever small amount of time they have left to be together while it all burns down. Every time Aziraphale chooses to fight instead because he was created to be a guardian. If he’s running things with Crowley by his side they could not only be together openly, they would have the authority to protect their home and all its inhabitants.
Placement for this song was tricky because it represents the entirety of the final minutes of episode 6. It begins when Aziraphale interrupts Crowley’s rambling start of a confession and it ends with the smile in the elevator. I ended up putting it where I did because I had two Crowley songs back to back and I needed to sandwich an Aziraphale in there.
*I also believe that restoring Crowley’s angelic status would never have happened.
Lyrics:
If I asked you now
Will you be my prince?
Will you lay down your armor
And be with me forever?
The Heartbeat is audible.
It’s steady, but it’s there in Aziraphale’s ears. He’s excited but composed.
Let me rephrase the above verse:
If I asked you now
Will you be my angel?
Will you take down the defenses you’ve developed
And be with me forever?
Aziraphale is (misguidedly) asking Crowley to take down the protective barriers he’s rightfully made for himself and switch teams for Their safety.
When you open me
All the power in me moves
How you want to see
All the depths of me real
When you open me
All the power in me moves
The Heartbeat is still audible.
Crowley knows Aziraphale better than any other being. He sees Aziraphale’s true self. Crowley can open him like a book and read every page. I dare say he could recite much of it from memory. During the trial in s1e6 Crowley played his part perfectly, only really giving him extra confidence. When the two are synced up, Aziraphale’s heart is stirred. I can even hear this in a literal way, that Aziraphale is more powerful when they are fully “Them” like in s2e1 performing the half-miracle each. Crowley is still hostile to Gabriel at that moment, but he is much more desperate to protect than he is keen for revenge.
I feel real
The Heartbeat is present but softening.
When Aziraphale knows Crowley is seeing him for who he is, he feels real. Not ethereal. Real like humans are real, with free-will and the ability to grow and change and make mistakes and for those mistakes to be forgiven. Able to be what he knows himself to be, unbound by Heaven, not fitting the mold of Goodness™ he’s about to have to stuff himself back into. He needs Crowley by his side in Heaven in order to have the courage to be who he really is and fight for what he knows is really truly right.
The Heartbeat softens to become inaudible before the next verse.
I love you
Love you
I love you
Love you
The Heartbeat has been replaced by a soft, slow melody. This represents calmness, earnestness, self-assuredness, and tenderness, delicacy.
This is Aziraphale losing himself in the fantasy he’s trying to sell to Crowley. He has let himself believe that this is their ticket out of danger. This is Aziraphale saying “I love you” in his mind trying desperately to get his coded message across, knowing he can’t say it directly. Even saying it to himself the way one might finally admit it in words when they’ve finally let themselves give in to emotions they thought they could never be allowed to have.
[Here the words have stopped, the soft, serene music becomes sharp and discordant, borderline unpleasant before returning to some level of gentleness.]
Everything is going wrong. Crowley is angry and he isn’t willing to hear an argument. He hears that Aziraphale is once again abandoning “their side” and his emotional reaction prevents him from decoding the offer of battle for which Aziraphale is trying to recruit him. And at the worst possible time, Crowley begins to confess his tender, fragile feelings, out loud, probably in full view of the Metatron.
When I look into your eyes
There's a danger inside
When I see the edge
I can never hide
The Heartbeat has returned. The music is gentle but uneasy. It evokes a sense of concern.
Crowley avoids eye contact for most of the confession but Aziraphale can barely look away from those yellow eyes he loves so much. He only looks away from them to look out the window (to his sinister side) where he KNOWS danger is waiting and watching. He understands where Crowley is going with this and shakes his head no, but Crowley is so uneasy and nervous and emotional, he misses all of Aziraphale’s body language that is very clearly (to the audience, at least) screaming that they are not safe. Aziraphale knows the danger is real, it is currently present, it is watching, and they can not hide from it. Not now, not ever.
See me
Running, running, running, running, running
Running, running, running, running, running
Running, running, running, running, running
To you, from you, to you
The Heartbeat is still present as before but begins to speed up with every line in an increasingly faster time signature into and almost stabbing piano notes throughout this verse.
Aziraphale wants to run to Crowley. He does it all the time, figuratively and sometimes literally. But he also runs away from him. Pushing him away to keep him out of harm’s way or staying at arm’s length because of the danger Aziraphale could bring down upon him. But no matter what, he can’t stay away. Aziraphale will always run towards Crowley in the end.
There's a strange love inside
It's getting louder louder louder louder louder
There's a danger I can't hide
Who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
The Heartbeat continues at this fast, strong pace but is slightly drowned out by the choral music and peals of stringed instruments.
Crowley has finally said all the things they have both been thinking for years (though really, for all his hemming and hawing and stuttering, he hasn’t said anything other than, let’s run away from the broken system like we just saw Gabriel and Beelzebub do). Aziraphale is feeling that strange love I talked about in Love Like You. He’s heard the love Crowley is trying to express and that strange love of his is getting louder, crashing in his head. But he can’t seem to communicate the danger to Crowley. Can’t communicate that they can’t hide, that even if they did run they wouldn’t be free, they’d be looking over their shoulders constantly. But Crowley is done; the shades on, the walls up. Aziraphale’s love for Crowley is a part of who he is now and he will be incomplete without him. Aziraphale is desperate and resorts to begging and petulance while his feelings continue to crash in his head.
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
Ooh, I'm in love, I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
Love, love, love
The Heartbeat is fast and loud. The music is swelling and grand but still there’s something wrong with it. A discordance? Like all the different instruments are playing slightly different parts of the same song. They momentarily seem to sync up but again become discordant with crashing symbols, strange vocals, and errant trills.
Aziraphale is screaming "I'm in love" in his head but he can’t say it. This is a declaration to himself. He’s never been more sure of it before. It’s on repeat over and over and over. 35 “I’m in love”s. THIRTY FIVE! There are hurtful words exchanged and weaponized nightingales and the kiss is a full 17 seconds of desperation and pain and regret and all the while I think they both have this phrase crashing over and over in their heads in some way. But neither can express it properly and Crowley leaves and Aziraphale is left alone to processes what the fuck just happened and how it all could have gone so wrong so quickly, while Crowley is out by the Bentley probably doing the exact same thing.
[There is a brief, echoing melodic refrain here before the beat and tone suddenly shift in a jarring way. A way that feels like it’s a totally different song for a moment.]
The Heartbeat is still fast and strong.
Aziraphale has had only seconds to taste his lips and process what just happened when the Metatron comes back in the shop and he has to compose himself immediately. Based on blocking, I don’t think the Metatron saw the kiss, but he walks in fully knowing that Crowley isn’t going. But then, he knew that before he offered it anyway, didn't he? Aziraphale walks to the window and sees that Crowley is still there. He tries to leverage the bookshop to get out of the job but the Metatron has that covered.
Gonna build you up, gonna help you believe, sonny
Gonna build you up, gonna help you believe, sonny
The Heartbeat is fast and strong and pounding and very present alongside the spoken vocals and minimal music.
Aziraphale almost rejects the offer but takes one last look out the window and knows he has to fight. He sees Crowley out there and knows without any doubt how they both feel, despite the pain they just caused each other. He knows he has no choice but to fight for it, even if it means that Crowley believes that Aziraphale has rejected him. He resolves to protect Crowley and make sure that one day Crowley believes in him and the only way he knows he has the authority to do it is as Supreme Archangel. Aziraphale loves being rescued by Crowley but now he knows he has to do this on his own. So he accepts and goes with the Metatron and doesn’t take anything else with him.
There's a strange love inside
It's getting louder louder louder louder louder
There's a danger I can't hide
Oh, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am, it's who I am
The Heartbeat remains fast and sharp but begins to be drowned out by music which is still crashing but now harmonious and confident.
This is a confident version of the previous instance of this verse. Aziraphale’s resolve is growing. He’s psyching himself up. That kiss was a desperate, frustrated temptation but it turned into an inspiration to protect what Aziraphale loves. He knows it’s dangerous, and Crowley won’t be by his side this time. He has no choice but to become the soldier he was created to be. To protect his love and his home. His courage is being bolstered by the love he now has no question is there and is mutual. It’s who he is and it's what he was created for.
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love, I'm in love
I'm in love
The strong Heartbeat and confident, harmonious, powerful, joyous music continues.
Aziraphale’s body language and facial expressions as he ascends in the elevator tell such a story. At the start he’s breathing heavy and setting his jaw with a barely brave face and by the time the images blur, he’s standing more confidently with his war face on. He’s going to burn the system to the ground.
(Also this brings us to 52 “I’m in love”s, if I counted right.)
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#good omens#aziraphale#crowley#brain rot#music analysis#i spent a normal amount of time on this#therapy for good omens 2#good omens meta#ineffable husbands#ineffable divorce
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Boys Planet Episode 7 recap part 4, Limousine
Ok! It’s time for another recap -- this time, I’ll cover Limousine! Click Keep Reading and let’s go!
Huta announces the next team by trying to describe the song, and I love how they show white people in the audience who have no clue as to what it could be.
The boys come out waving, and Jihoo is in the leader position, which is interesting, because when we last saw this group, Anthonny was the leader. (Side note: my autocorrect keeps removing his extra N, so forgive me if any “Anthony” spellings creep into my recaps.)
Huta asks him if they had any difficulties rehearsing, and he says, “It was quite difficult, but I chose it because I wanted to express our sincere feelings to the Star Creators.” Everyone thinks he’s cute. And now it’s time for a flashback.
But first, here is a list of our chauffeurs:
Trainee name (rank) Star Level test / Challenge 1 /age final star level
Anthonny (19) Glitch Mode / Love Me Right - G / 19 ⭐⭐⭐
Krystian (37) Call Me Baby / Back Door - G / 23 ⭐⭐
Park Ji Hoo (44) Freak / Hot Sauce - K / 16 ⭐⭐⭐
The boys are at rehearsal, and the judges find out that 16 year old Jihoo is leading, not 19 year old Anthonny or 23 year old Krystian. They ask why, and it’s time for a flashback-within-a-flashback! Flashbackception!
We see the boys on the first day, when leader Anthonny felt a little lost and Jihoo stepped up. What we haven’t seen before is that Anthonny was worried he wasn’t doing a good job and bestowed leadership on young Jihoo.
One of the judges deliberately needles Krystian, saying, “So Jihoo is leader and Anthonny has the killing part, and you’re not upset, Krystian?” That’s rude, judge. Krystian smiles and says he’s fine.
The judge says he’s become an innocent sheep, and Krystian holds it in at that insult. We get a flashback of Krystian begging them not to take the killing part away, just in case you forgot.
Bobby from IKON is still there giving feedback, and he tells them that the lyrics are kind of all over the place and that they should make them clearer.
We find out that each member’s lyrics talk about different things, and they show the lyrics on screen. I did my translating them, but I’m very very far from fluent and this was largely google translate.
It’s hard to tell because they don’t translate most of the lyrics and my Korean is nowhere good enough to help with that, but I’ll just trust Bobby when he says it doesn’t make sense, and that their message is getting lost.
So, the team decides to change their lyrics “again” -- I guess they’ve already changed them a few times. Krystian and Anthonny agree that the lyrics don’t make enough sense. Jihoo says he wants to write about what they experienced at Boys Planet. This is a common thing we’ve seen on this show -- I’m remembering Kamimoto Kotone (who by the way is now in that giant group, TripleS) on GP999 who did the same thing when she did VVS. (“Where did my air time go? No one knows that I exist.”) And every time it happens, it gets attention, so, go for it, Jihoo. Smack ‘em down.
Anthonny has a lot to say but it’s so hard for him as a non-native speaker, so Jihoo helps him tweak his lyrics to make them more accurate and more rhythmic. Jihoo seems to really have a good sense for lyrics, especially considering his age. He stays up late at night trying to make the lyrics even better.
As he explains in an interview, he and his long-time friend Han Seo Bin practiced and prepared for Boys Planet together, but then their audition “Freak” wasn’t aired, and though Seobin was chosen for Love Me Right, he didn’t survive the first elimination. (He finished in 60th -- so close).
All we ever saw of Jihoo in episode 1 was Hui challenging him to a singing contest for Chair 1 - and there’s a lot more to this kid than that. Anyway, Jihoo wants to write about missing his friend, and just generally be stressed out being on this show, and I say go for it!
I love how MNET has the unmitigated balls to play sad piano music over Jihoo’s commentary about how his audition wasn’t aired in episodes 1-2. You’re the ones who did this, you dumb dumbs! You’re the ones who didn’t air it and now you’re playing sad piano music and I can’t, I just can’t.
As the performance starts, the judges seem excited to see Jihoo perform. (No one cares about Krystian or Anthonny, of course.)
The performance
I found this link with English lyrics on top of the performance! It’s good -- check it out.
My take
Wow. This was so good. While I was writing this section of the recap, I just let it play over and over again because I liked it that much, and now I’m adding it to my playlist.
I genuinely did not know that Anthonny and Krystian were such good singers. This show, you guys. This SHOW. ARGGGGH.
Krystian has such a nice raspy vocal color -- I’d listen to him sing a whole song, honestly. There’s no way in hell that Korean voters will ever forgive him, so he’s never going to debut on Bepler, but he’s really really good here, and I’m glad we had to chance to see him really shine like this. I knew that he has a long history of being on shows like this and making a big splash, but his Star Level Test wasn’t great, but I suspect he just can’t hit high notes, and I do not care about high notes. He was so much more relaxed here and really, I’m a fan now. I assume he’ll go back to China and I hope he can debut there, if nowhere else.
Anthonny got noticeably ahead of the beat for the first few lines but then seemed to notice it and get back on the beat. His voice isn’t quite as good as Krystian’s but it’s really good too. He put a lot of emotion into the delivery of his rap lyrics, too. I still don’t feel like I “know” him but I now see what he’s good at. And hey, he’s at Yuehua, so we’ll probably see him again eventually, I hope!
Jihoo obviously put the most emotion into his rapping and wrote the raps for his teammates and just pulled this whole thing together. He also has a nice singing voice.
The staging worked, their chemistry worked, the whole thing worked for me. I would have pressed A for all three of them, and if forced to vote for only one, I’d have voted for Jihoo if I’d known about him writing all the raps, but I would have voted for Krystian otherwise because I really, really loved his singing voice.
Look, I don’t need all my idols to be the nicest, most put together people on the planet. It’s ok with me if Krystian still needs to work on his emotional intelligence. Just keep singing like that, ok, buddy? And it wouldn’t hurt if you kept kind of… looking… like you do.
The editing
They focus a lot on Anthonny’s small mistake at the beginning. I do like that we see a few trainees noticing how beautiful and emotional Krystian’s voice is. They focus a lot on Jihoo’s “subversive” lyrics, probably more on him than on anyone else, but really all three trainees get a bit of focus, so I’ve seen far worse edits on this godforsaken show.
Also, it seems that the other trainees are seriously touched by the performance.
The judges say that Jihoo won’t get edited out this time. They also pick up on how Krystian rapped about his anti-fans, who apparently waited for him outside!?!? I cannot get over that kind of behavior. So you don’t like his personality, cool, don’t be his fan. But don’t threaten his well being. I’m sure no one who reads my recaps would do that, so I won’t rant any more on that topic here since I think we’re all already in agreement, and other people have already said it better than I could.
The voting
They head backstage to sit in the folding chairs of pain.
Krystian really does seem at peace. It might be an act, who can say, but that’s how it seems, and I am happy with that. I think he really does like his team and I think they can all genuinely connect and sympathize with one another, despite their different life experiences and nationalities. Honestly, it’s shit like this that I watch the show for, as much as anything else. I know some people “ship” the trainees with each other romantically, which, I mean, as long as you keep that shit to yourself it’s ok, but for me I just enjoy seeing friendship in action, because friendship is magic!
Anyway, it seems pretty obvious that this crowd will vote for Park Jihoo, and they do -- he wins with a super high 795 votes, which beats the previous high score Kim Gyuvin got in Love Killa. His team is sincerely happy for him, and it seems that so is everyone else
Someone on a forum I visit sometimes said that she was there at the taping and that they showed a video before each performance with some backstory, which really makes sense with what we know about MNET. So while I can’t be sure that her story is true, it is interesting to wonder if the crowd voted for Jihoo at least in part out of respect for his leadership. But if they did, that’s fair.
I both think and hope that Jihoo will make it through the next elimination, but I neither think nor hope that he’ll debut in Bepler. I am much more interested to see him regroup with Han Seobin and maybe put together a rap-based group that’s something like Stray Kids or IKON, where they write a lot of their own stuff and control a lot of their own fate. They’re still both so young now and there’s a lot of time for them to get there.
I wish we could find out how many points everyone got, but I guess not. I hope that Krystian and Anthonny got a lot of votes too, but I bet Krystian got something absurdly low like 200 votes, all from the Chinese visitors. Aww, Krystian. I’m on your team.
And look how much my niece Kayylee likes the t-shirt I got her!
Well, that’s the end of this recap! Up next is the Feel Special recap, which seems like it’s going to be Rush Hour Part 2.
#krystian wang#krystian#anthonny#park jihoo#limousine#boys planet recap#boys planet#boysplanet999#boysplanet#boys planet 999#boys planet recaps
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i can still picture us hanging out in his dimly lit room as he sang his heart out to tasmin archer’s “sleeping sattelite.” i didn’t get it. i just didn’t hear what he did. where was the beat? how do you dance to this? what the hell was is it even about? he just said, “it’s about failure. human failure.” still, i didn’t get it.
i cannot remember how he and i met. i think it was at teen night at woody’s, the first gay club i ever patronized. he went to high school with a mutual friend. i didn’t. i was a high school dropout. what i do know is that we entered each other’s orbit sometime in the fall of 1993. we were fast friends. he was a loner and oh-so whimsical. his presence was sporadic but i really didn’t mind. except when he played this damn song!
youtube
released in late 1992 in the UK and in the US in early 1993, “sleeping satellite” is the debut single from british singer and songwriter tasmin archer. the song blends pop, rock, and folk and lyrically references the apollo moon missions from 1968-1972. the song’s ethereal production, coupled with archer’s emotive vocal delivery, express a sense of disillusionment. the song’s metaphorical title, “sleeping satellite,” can be interpreted as the untapped potential and dreams of those still holding out for hope in a world that often seems indifferent.
in 1994, he asked me to accompany him to a doctor’s appointment. i really didn’t think much about it. it was an opportunity to get out of the house and hang out with him, so i was down. we walked into the clinic, and were immediately greeted by a black nurse. she welcomed us, told me to take a seat, and then took him a private room. i waited in the main area. after about 10 minutes, he came back out and motioned towards the exit. we then rushed out into the busy street awaiting us.
“you will beat this!” “they are working on a cure,” and “i am here for you,” were my replies.
on the way home, he abruptly disclosed that he had just tested HIV positive. at first, there was just silence. then i put all of the inspirational messaging i learned from watching my fair share of “on this very special episode of…” TV sitcoms to use. “you will beat this!” “they are working on a cure,” and “i am here for you,” were my replies. i meant every word but, chyle, i was 17 and doing my best to keep us both from panicking. and in 1994, inspiration and hope was pretty much the only thing that could be offered.
co-written by tasmin archer, “sleeping satellite” achieved international chart success reaching #1 on the UK singles chart and top 20 in several countries, including the US, in 1993. the same year, the song earned archer a BRIT award for best british breakthrough act.
we kept that day of the clinic a secret from our other friends for weeks. we young people holding a piece of the epidemic on our shoulders. he immediately told his family. they rallied around him as much as a family could in 1994. because they knew that i knew that i was welcomed into the fold. i spent many nights at their house, in his room – as he blasted “sleeping satellite.”
#granvarones#gay#queer#latinx#storytelling#afrolatinx#songs that soundtracked the aids epidemic#1990s#Youtube
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basically im super gay for gwendoline christie, and thanks to a kickass edit by @lavender-knives-ahs (who i think unfortunately deactivated? so the link is to one of my reblogs) i have developed several Thots about Weems and Mary On A Cross by Ghost. so here's a surprisingly long, self indulgent in a fun way, dramatic essay, analyzing the parallels between Larissa Weems and the character of Mary in the song!
the main point that makes me connect weems with the song is her role as a sort of mother figure to Nevermore - especially her relationship and conflicts with Wednesday (about which i will elaborate later), but also in general the care she has for all her students - and the tragic, dramatic end she comes to. meanwhile, "mary on a cross" is such a powerful image of the idea of a maternal figure giving everything she can to her kid - Mother Mary taking the place of her son on his cross, in a supreme act of love and devotion. its a bit sad to think about it, but to be honest if weems hadnt died this comparison wouldnt be as powerful as it is. in any case, weems' death ties her into that same theme of death/sacrifice for someone under her care.
to talk more about the edit - i gotta start with the on-point opening, "not just another bloody mary" playing during weems' scream at the rave'n. it's such an important character moment for Weems - up until the rave'n, the audience knows she has bitter history with the addamses, and that she has something to do with the cover up of rowan's murder. when combined with the coldly immaculate looks and mannerisms she keeps up, it leads to her being a very intimidating character, and extremely suspicious to the audience in regards to the murders. basically, while very compelling and intriguing, she seems distant, cold, and likely to be a cold-blooded killer ----- until the rave'n.
i can definitely say that for me, the scream she lets out was 100% the moment i stopped suspecting she was the killer, and saw that while she might be ruthless, intimidating, and possibly - probably - very flawed, shes also very... normal. as human and as messy as anyone, behind the professional front. after several episodes where she seemed to be distant and cold, that scream suddenly reverses the notion created by the previous episodes, of her being othered from the audience. and i GOTTA reiterate just how perfect the opening of the edit is!!! this scene, coupled with the line leading to the image of poor mary on the cross... *chef's kiss* its such a good choice of scene and lyrics to immediately draw up the comparison between weems - as an empathetic character under a lot of pressure in regards to keeping the children under her care safe - and an unconventional, scared and disheveled character of mary, protecting her son.
another line that was really interesting to me is "your beauty never ever scared me", a line right in the middle of the edit. its such a simple sentiment and expression of adoration, and imo on its own its already strangely captivating, and even more so in the edit. the lighting is suddenly bright and larissa's face is the center of the screen, really letting you focus on her beauty. this line being a change in the chorus from all the repetitions before also helps underline how much the object to whom the singer is directing the line - so, mary, but here also weems - is regarded by him as a pristine, uncorrupted being.
the "never ever scared me" part of the line ties it to the singer's repeated request of having mary run away with him, despite the consequences, and really that sentiment will always hit just right when it comes to weems - if only for the contrast between her usual performance of perfection and the stress underneath (see the previous point), mistakes and eventual death (see the next points).
im saving her death for my final point, but imo her actions leading up to it also create more ground for comparison between her and mary in the song. in a really sad way, many of the things she does for the school contribute to marilyn's betrayal and her own death, and leaving the students to deal with the danger on their own. as the headmistress, she keeps fighting for control over the situation - she is convinced that she knows best how to handle everything that is happening, and so she insists to do things her own way, which includes keeping wednesday in check and not investigating the murders. right up until the very last minute she is alive, she constantly beats wednesday down and claims to be in complete control of the situation.
this is a result of what is, in my opinion, one of the most compelling traits of weems as a character - just how much she is always in charge, to an alarming degree. she is always composed, professional, polite, but even beyond that, she always holds herself gracefully, elegantly, not a hair out of place, in a way that always emphasizes how she's the one in control (i really could go on forever about this, her design is brilliant). everything about her character screams how she undoubtedly holds most of the power in the show - at the very least on the same level with the mayor, if not more than him. she tries to orchestrate the chain of events in the way she sees as optimal, and she undoubtedly has the power to do that. through most of the show she dismisses wednesday and doesnt take into consideration any of her input and opinions, and due to her being absolutely convinced that she knows best, she essentially lets laurel continue her plans until the point where it becomes too late.
this is all to say that weems is headstrong and stubborn, but in the ends its that same stubbornness that ultimately leads to her being murdered, as a sort of unbelievably magnificent failure of everything she tried to achieve. this progression of events is, i think, similar to the narrative in the song, of an unconventional presentation of the character of mother mary - a subversion of her story through the metaphor of a crucifixion, as well as the characterization of her as more of an individual person facing some sort of decision, rather than the known story of her as a mother. throughout the song, the singer wants them to run away together, but he warns her of what would happen, how he would essentially take away from her purity - this is mostly in the phrase "you go down just like holy mary", which could be both "you go down" meaning sex, but also "you go down" as a way of warning her that she would be ruined or corrupted in some way, sexual or other.
both in weems' and in mary's case, theres similar contrast - ruining something uncorrupted, diving headfirst into a dangerous situation, while not necessarily aware of the consequences. while weems is a much more domineering character than mary, they both suddenly face a situation very different from what they know, and end up dying, not even necessarily as a sacrifice - mary's death in the place of her son is also being referred to as something vulgar, and possibly a sort of retribution for the loss of her innocence. meanwhile, weems' death is accidental, sudden, and despite being tragic and emotional it doesnt actually help the school - its not a sacrifice, but a culmination of weems' stubbornness and need to be in control (a very disappointing culmination imo).
weems' death (she isnt dead nope nope nope shes fine. anyway) itself is also a good point for comparison, just for how sudden, messy and somewhat humiliating it is. she was surprised by a quick, deadly attack, from the person who was really the only adult we saw her be genuinely friendly with. she then collapses gracelessly, foaming at the mouth, and then shes just dead, with a final look of fear and hurt she gives wednesday. continuing the previous point, i think this connects to the song through the same narrative of a woman's story ending in sharp and painful contrast to what she knew before - similarly to how mary's crucifixion is depicted in relation to her going down a path that defies purity, through sex or just general rebellion.
while on one hand im not sure theres much to say about weems' character in relation to the sexual interpretation, on the other hand, along the same idea of ruining something pure or clean, weems' clumsy and humiliating death is so shockingly opposite to her usual poised and perfect self. the death itself has so much contrast to her character that it underlines just how much weems' own confidence and headstrongness - insisting to cover up the murders, insisting not to let wednesday investigate, etc - contributed to her being killed by a trusted colleague, and possibly a friend. in a quick turn of events, she finds out that she was wrong, that wednesday was right, that she herself let the killer into the school she cared for so much, and before she has a chance to properly react she is already poisoned and dead. and obviously, thats the perfect scene to end the edit, with a final suggestion from the singer to mary to run away, advance towards her own downfall.
i need to point out that ive really been stretching the narrative of both the song and the show - the image of mary on a cross isnt a clear or necessarily literal progression of events from the choice the singer presents to her. in addition to that, i think weems as a character was just really under-explored in the show, and thats a shame, so many things i said here were my own interpretations and opinions. still, despite all that, the parallels here still hit painfully hard. imo. thanks for reading to the end lmao ily
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I was wondering if you could tell me why u think Jimin solos and Jk solos hate each other so much and also hate Jk and Jimin? I mean I don’t get it. Jkks and kths seems to like each other and that is how it should be cuz their faves are besties but Jimin and Jk clearly love and adore each other too so why are their solos so against each other? How can u call someone ur fave yet you hate a member they clearly love? I just don’t get it.
For this one, I'm not sure if I could ever explain the logic of solo stans. A lot of these people are so deep into their own delusions that they don't really care about the facts at hand, nor do they want to. They just want to fester and thrive in their own fucked up reality because it validates them.
For me, I wonder if it makes them think that they're special or that if their favorite BTS member saw how hard they were fighting for them, they'd get preferential treatment or recognition for caring so deeply about them. A lot of these people often like to play into the company mistreatment card -- which don't get me wrong, I'm not a company stan, both HYBE and BigHit respectively have done and do mess up things on the regular -- but I think a lot of solos see the BTS members in some priority line when it comes to company favoritism.
So, for example, let's take an angry Jimin solo who noticed that BigHit has restocked the SEVEN CD after it initially sold out. To them, that's a personal attack on Like Crazy and its impact on the charts because BigHit, even after thousands of requests, has not restocked the Like Crazy CD for whatever reason. I get it, I don't think it's fair either. I think fans have every right to express their dissatisfaction with the disproportional allocation of company funds to supply certain merchandise. Obviously, there is a demand for Like Crazy CDs, so why isn't BigHit restocking them?
BigHit really sucks at restocking; any person who has used the dreaded WeVerse shop is also aware of this... waiting months for things to come back... but they never do...
Not excusing the company, by the way. This is a problem they struggle with. They could easily bank in a couple mil... but they won't... for whatever reason.
ANYWAYS, back to what I was trying to say: So, imagine a solo PJM just saw this, and the first thing they probably do is take out their frustrations on the corporate level. Then, when they're getting no answer and they see a repeat type of behavior from the company, they start to wonder: Why is this happening? The company seems to have no problem restocking or prioritizing Jungkook's song... so why is it suddenly a problem for Jimin? Why was Jimin denied music videos for all of his songs for cost when Jungkook shot on a literal movie set? Why does Jungkook get to promote SEVEN so freely when Jimin only got nine days of promotion? And, apart from the single, Jungkook is also getting his own album! Two promotional periods!
And instead of keeping these complaints at a corporate level, they start to turn towards the person supposedly receiving better treatment. They turn to Jungkook. It's HIS fault. He obviously craves the spotlight, so OF COURSE he'd want to sabotage Jimin. He's selfish and self-centered, he wants to copy and ride the success of Like Crazy -- see, even his concept photos are similar! They're giving him the exact same wardrobe pieces and brands!*
At this point, they've tunneled in. They've reached the point of no return. It doesn't matter if Jungkook showed up to support Jimin during his dance practices. It doesn't matter that Jimin hung out with Jungkook in New York. It doesn't matter that Jungkook raved over the entirety of FACE or supported Jimin's Suchwita episode (obviously, he's just doing it for views). It doesn't matter that Jimin posted a celebratory post for SEVEN. It doesn't matter that Jungkook knows all of the lyrics to Jimin's songs by heart.
It doesn't matter if they went out for a drink. It doesn't matter that Jungkook wants to link up with the other boy for a live.
None of it matters. Because it's all a coverup. It's just a shiny image manufactured by the company. Toxic shippers use this same type of logic towards Jungkook and Jimin all the time as well, and it's funny to see solos use the exact same rhetoric.
Jungkook and Jimin aren't close; it's the company that wants them to look that way. Jimin makes Jungkook uncomfortable. Jungkook is such a copycat. They don't talk outside of working hours. It's fanservice. Jimin has to mention Jungkook in every interview. Jungkook has a Jimin quota to fill on every live.
It's super easy to fall down a hate-filled rabbit hole when you already have a preconceived image of someone in your head. There is a massive misinformation campaign in this fandom, and a lot of the time, it's toxic solos and shippers at the wheel. A lot of them have bitter resentment or jealousy toward the people at hand, and they'll do whatever it takes to defame the person they hate most.
Worst part is, they think they're doing it out of love.
I love Jimin, so I'll protect him by asking BigHit to kick Jungkook out of BTS.
I think a lot of the drama between solo PJMs and solo JJKs is that they either think the company is purposely sabotaging the other at the request of the member, or that the company is manufacturing this image of friendliness when they actually hate one another irl. Both of which are... insane.
Either way, I think it's fucking crazy to have solos in this fandom that are that fucking hateful towards another member of BTS. The BTS members have talked about dealing with hate in the past, and I don't think your precious Jungkook or Jimin would be too happy to learn that you've been participating in a hate train against their friend...
*Also, I'm just parroting a lot of what's been said by solos. I don't necessarily agree with what a lot of them have to say. I have an entire post about the concept photos themselves.
#ask#bts#bts solo stans#jimin#jungkook#jikook#kookmin#pjms#jjks#please jimin and jungkook are so close#a lot of solos tend to be non-korean speakers too#if you spoke korean you'd prob think differently with the way they speak to one another#not saying koreans solos dont exist#i mean we just talked about headliner#crazy fucking bitch#girl hates every bts member including jungkook that's insane
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NO BUT “i can take another panic episode when i get off the stage” THAT DEMOLISHES ME EVERY TIME
YES.
oh my god, i really am about to pick out the lines from this song that gave me emotional damage, aren't i? i apologize in advance for the length of this lmaooo
first, i want to say that i love the fact that the song is set up as an exploration of Humpty Dumpty. it's a classic fable, so we already have that basic level of understanding and familiarity and they immediately follow it up with this conversation about human struggles and mental health. because that is also a familiar story, a shared human experience
"Something's wrong / But I'm scared to look it up / If I do that / And no one has it / I'll feel so alone"
this line is so relatable. what if there is something wrong? if i put a name to what's wrong it's real and it's so much harder to ignore. if i keep ignoring it, i'm gonna just suffer. and at the same time, what if no one can relate to what i'm going through? what if this is genuinely just a me problem and i'm stuck dealing with it? it does such a great job of voicing all these questions in the first half of the verse
"I got friends in a lotta weird places / Wonder if they're gonna call / Depending what my face is"
this line is so casual considering just how deep the question it's asking is. will my friends still like me? who do i need to be so that these people that are supposed to support me will show up? there's this sense of defeat and such a total lack of self worth that it stings
"He said screw it / There's a big crowd looking / I'ma scream when no one, when no one, when no one's around"
i love this line because it really does a great job of highlighting the isolation surrounding the core of the song. everyone is looking at me, so i have to be okay. i can't not be okay. i'll get all of this dealt with later, when there's no one around. but as the rest of the lyrics mention, people are always watching. so this issue is just pushed down until the best case scenario becomes...
"i can't take another panic episode when i get off the stage, man"
this line is the absolute climax of the song and the recognition that things cannot keep going this way. and there's such pure desperation in jack's voice that it hurts listening to it. i love it.
i also cannot express what the second verse does to me. the image of everyone outside doing something joyous and you're inside hiding under your pillow trying to hide from everything is just so devastating
thank you for the ask, rj, this song is one of my favorites of ALL time and i hope any of this makes sense
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