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badasgirlfriend · 6 months

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Love On The Down Low | Bada Lee Social Media AU

pairings: bada lee x zhong lei

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a/n: lei my clumsy pookie

taglist: { @1luvkarina , @hallotherenicetomeetyou @fillthwvoid , @kdacase @prilux @jjlovesbada @waveartistry , @dkluvs , @pinksults , @tikitsune , @b1ackbunny , @adaiasafira, @froufrousnowman , @99ycs, @badaslali , @italiekim , @saturnushasmyback , @heedoya @fairiechuu @itsbokutosjuicyass , @tnu-ree @jesuschrist2006 @asweetcollide , @ssivinee , @downbadforbada }

Lei cleared her throat as she looked at the two strangers sitting in her living room. This wasn't quite how she had imagined the encounter would go.

"Um, if you're hungry, I have some extra pancakes-"

"I'm not hungry." the oreo haired girl said through clenched teeth

Lei glanced at the girl's hoodie, which was covered in whipped cream and grimaced. She's so dumb

"I'm sorry again about your hoodie," Lei said, holding out a box full of tissues. "Here, have some..... more."

The taller girl took the box, using a bit more force than necessary. She took several tissues and began slowly wiping away the remaining cream. Lei bowed repeatedly, her apologies becoming more desperate. It seemed like the situation couldn't get any worse.

"Very well, shall we begin?" The older man cleared his throat. He was tired of this situation already and eager to leave.

"Yes, please"

It was honestly funny and sad at the the current situation that Lei put herself in

It all started with the incessant alarm that kept beeping, refusing to stop. This had awakened Lei, who groaned as a massive headache hit her like a brick in the head.

"Fuck"

One eye open and one locked shut, she grabbed her phone, stopping the noisy alarm. Too sleepu to check all the messages she had received, she cleared all notifications. But once she found the time, she was wide awake, and her eyes widened in shock.

"FUCK!"

She jolted forward with sudden awareness, it was already 10 o'clock in the morning, and she remembered that Bada had texted her yesterday, informing her that they would arrive at around 11

She was fucked

She didn't have the time to take some pills for her brutal hangover headache that had already become a constant, gnawing presence in her head.

Damn it, I shouldn't have gotten drunk with Hanni and Felix yesterday...

Half-heartedly, she tried to put on some decent clothing and style her hair in an attempt at a ponytail. But she didn't care that much about her appearance as she dashed downstairs towards the kitchen

She grabbed the milk and eggs from the fridge, along with the flour from the pantry. With quick efficiency, she pulled out a flat pan and a large bowl from the cupboard, as if on autopilot.

"I can't mess this up," she muttered to herself as she cracked the eggs.

In her mind, her plan had been to wake up at 9 to make a lovely breakfast for Bada, but that obviously failed miserably. So now, with no other option, she was left with the task of making pancakes.

She was relieved that she had cleaned the house Bada will live , as well as her own house, days ago with the help of Hanni. That way, at least she could welcome Bada with a clean living room and a neat kitchen.

She picked up her phone as she whisked the batter. She had no idea what kind of coffee Bada drank, so she settled for the simplest one, ordering it for both of them.

The aroma of the freshly cooked pancakes made Lei smile to herself as she put another one on the plate. One by one, she was adding to the pile of pancakes, she was glad that she was managing to make them properly, though she wished she didn't jinx it

"Motherf*cker!" She screamed in pain as she accidentally put her hand near the oven, burning herself. "Fuck this shit, fuck you, fuck everyone, it fucking hurts!!! Oh my fucking god"

Her mouth kept spewing out curses for a minute or two, as she rushed to the sink and sighed in relief at the cold water that flowed onto her skin.

She let out a painful groan when she felt her phone ring. Snatching up the device, she answered the call. "What?" She snapped, her voice still hoarse from the early morning yelling.

"Woah, relax tiger," she heard Felix voice on the other end. "No need to be so aggressive."

Lei sighed, grabbing a towel to dry her hand.

"Fuck you, Felix" she said, "What do you want."

A scoff emerged from Felix on the other end. "I'm just calling to see how you're doing, I didn't ask to be attacked."

Lei rolled her eyes at Felix's comment "I'm making pancakes, or at least trying to," she muttered, "Bada is going to show up any second now, and everything is a mess, I burned my hand, and I need to put whipping cream and some fruits in these pancakes" she said it all in one breath, feeling overwhelmed and stressed

"It's all your fault"

Felix gasped "Bitch I breathed"

"You got us drunk last night" Lei exclaimed

"You wanted to"

"That doesn't mean you should let me"

The dark-haired girl grabbed the whipped cream, and started spreading it on the still steaming hot pancakes.

"Felix, I wanna die," she heard him chuckle.

"We'll do it together" he said with a smile.

She adjusted her phone better, holding her phone up with her shoulder so that her hands were free. "I'm surprised Hanni hasn't called to ask about Bada" she said.

"She hasn't?"

"No, no call. I'm starting to get concerned," Lei joked. She grabbed the plate filled with freshly cut strawberries and the hot pancakes, and headed towards the other counter. As she got there, however, the doorbell rang. Lei jumped in shock, the plate wobbled dangerously in her hands.

Lei cursed under her breath as she realized the coffees had arrived.Everything was becoming too much for her to handle. The nonstop rambling from Felix, the constant ringing of the doorbell, and the oil burning on the pan she had forgotten about, was turning the situation into a complete mess. She felt like her head was going to explode, and she didn't know what to do next.

The doorbell continued to ring incessantly, and for a moment, she felt like throwing everything to the ground and sobbing in a corner. She couldn't think straight when she was stressed, and that's why she sprinted towards the door with the two plates in her hands and the phone supported by her shoulder.

"I'm coming- Felix shut your mouth"

On the other side of the door, Bada let out a long sigh as she waited for the door to be opened. She had a black bucket hat on her head, with a mask to cover her face. She was regretting her choice of wardrobe now, considering the hot weather in Australia.

Her departure from the group was truly heartbreaking. Bada did her best to fight back tears, trying not to upset her sisters even further. But Yeeun, in particular, was inconsolable, since Bada was her go-to person whenever she felt down. With Bada gone, Yeeun and the other girls felt their world turn upside down.

Bada was overwhelmed and not entirely sure of what was going on. So much was changing so fast, from the bullying scandal to the hiatus being announced to having to move in with a complete stranger. This was definitely not what she had planned, and she wasn't sure what to expect or how to deal with it all. She was just taking everything as it came, fuck it

"Where is that damn girl?", her manager hissed at her, looking at his watch in frustration.

Bada rolled her eyes and felt like she was at her wit's end. She didn't reply, but took a step forward and leaned in to ring the bell again.

As her fingers touched the doorbell, the door suddenly swung open with such force that it startled Bada.

Lei jumped, startled by the masked person she saw staring at her, completely blocking her view.

Her phone slipped, falling to the ground with a loud 'thud'. She completely forgot the pancakes she was holding in the other hand, more focused on the phone

Bada's eyes widened in surprise and horror as she saw the pancakes covered in whipped cream slipping out of the plate, it all happened so fast since she was really close to the door the pancakes fell on her hoodie

If she had been excited to move in with Chenle's sister before, then that excitement was gone now.

Lei felt her right hand become lighter unexpectedly, so she turned her head to see what had happened.

"My pancakes..." Lei gave a small cry of frustration, all her hard work now gone on the ground

"My hoodie..." Lei gulped as she heard the unfamiliar voice, and her gut told her it was the voice she had been expecting, but she refused to believe it. She had gone through enough horrors this morning, and she just couldn't take it anymore.

Their eyes met, and she could see the annoyance in Bada's eyes, and that made the whole situation infinitely worse. An older man was standing behind the tall girl, and he pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed, visibly annoyed too.

The shorter girl raised her hand and gave an awkward wave "Hello Im Lei"

Lei wanted to run into a highway and hope a truck runs her over as she recalled the the embarrassing first meeting she had with the idol

"Alright, so," Mr. Kang, who had introduced himself as Bada's manager, pulled some papers from his leather bag and slid them toward Lei.

It was a contract, which Lei picked up and started reading intently.

"I need you to sign these papers, it's a simple contract that we need to have due to security and privacy reasons" Mr. Kang said calmly, as Lei gulped and read through the papers.

She could see that there was indeed a clause that stated she could not reveal or leak the information that Bada resides here or she would face legal consequences.

"Alright," Lei's voice was soft, and Bada narrowed her eyes at her as if she was sensing something was off. As Lei read through the contract, Bada saw her face pale in surprise, her curiosity piqued.

'She is breath-takingly gorgeous' Bada thought , her eyes lingering on every detail of Lei's face

Her eyes were sharp and piercing, but soft at the same time. Her plush lips were a distraction, a welcome one. Her hair was tied up in a loose, yet messy ponytail, and her oversized shirt and sweatpants made her look relaxed and at home.

"Alright," Lei picked up the pen and signed the papers, this was it. Her heart was racing, even the pen felt heavy in her hands.

Lei was avoiding Bada's gaze, that girl was too perfect, the dancer is beautiful in the pictures, but in real life she's a goddess. She thought this was gonna be easy and fast but how wrong she was

The man clapped his hands "Ok, I'm done here." He picked up the papers and stood up, saying, "My plane leaves in an hour, so I'll get going."

Bada muttered, "Finally," as she got up and Lei followed. Lei was not small, around 5'8, but standing next to Bada, she felt really short.

Damn

When they got to the door, Bada's manager looked at Lei, giving her a tight smile before looking at Bada with a stern look.

Lei understood the message that was being sent; if Bada's manager wanted privacy, then Lei would give it to him "I'll get the keys for the other house, it was nice meeting you Mr Kang"

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Mr. Kang," Lei bowed her head and rushed upstairs.

Bada's manager took a deep breath "Bada, I've already told you all this before, but I can't stress this enough. Don't go out in crowded places; don't post on social media, dont tell anyone about your location"

"Got it" Bada mumbled

"And most of all, don't do anything with that girl that could make things more complicated than they already are."

Bada rolled her eyes at her manager's sentence. She knew he wasn't fond of her sexuality, but Bada could care less. The thought of her manager thinking she was going to have something going on with Lei was hilarious to Bada. She wasn't interested in the girl at all, but it was still entertaining to see him trying to set boundaries that she would never follow anyway.

"I'm serious, Bada don't mess this up. I won't be seeing you again for quite some time, but we'll keep in contact. When we talk again, I'll let you know about the court case and everything."

"You didnt leave yet" Lei's voice made them look towards her "wait- i mean"

She closed her eyes cursing herself, she really needs to think before talking

Bada tried to cover her chuckle when she saw the look on her managers face, it was priceless

Mr. Kang gritted his teeth, this girl "Don't worry, Miss Lei, I'll be leaving now," he said with a fake smile. With one big thump, the door was shut, and a sense of awkwardness lingered in the air.

Lei was fixated on the door while Bada looked around the hallway, taking in the sights. The walls were full of pictures of Lei and Chenle, her and her parents and friends.

"I'm sorry again about your hoodie, just give it to me, and I'll try to wash it," Lei said and Bada groaned at her repeated apologies.

"This is the third time you've apologized, stop," Bada said, sounding irritated now.

Lei felt taken aback by Bada's harshness. She knew that Bada was annoyed, but she wished she wouldn't keep making it so obvious. It wasn't like Lei had wanted the hoodie to get dirty in the first place

She couldn't help but say "Well if it annoys you then let's make it four, sorry" she opened the door harshly and stepped outside

Bada rolled her eyes and sighed under her breath. "God help me" she mumbled, following right behind her.

Lei made her way towards the creamy-colored house in front of hers, unlocking the door to let herself in. She glanced behind her to see if Bada followed her, and she did

"This is where you will stay," Lei explained as she led Bada into the living room. Lei pointed to the kitchen, which was connected to the living room, and added, "You can also enter from the other door too, which is on the other side of the hallway."

Bada looked around the room, noticing the creamy-colored walls and the comfortable-looking couches. It was a small space, but it was pretty, and Bada loved the comfortable atmosphere.

"The bathroom is there," Lei said, pointing at the white door at the end of the hallway.

"I'll show you your bedroom now," she added.

The girls walked upstairs, Bada able to see there were four rooms in total.

Lei opened the first room that was closest to the stairs, and said, "This is your room."

The room had plain white walls with subtle grey accents, creating a simpl aesthetic. The wooden bed frame adds a warm touch to the room "It's really pretty"

Lei didn't reply, instead, she moved on to the next room. "This is the storage room, the other one is another bathroom again. There you have the laundry and everything," she explained quickly.

Bada pointed at the door of the last room, "What about that?"

"It's just an empty room," Lei replied. "We don't use it for anything. So you can use it for anything honestly you can even practice there."

Bada nodded, her hands in her pockets and her hat still on. "Thank you again," she said.

But Lei was having none of it, still bitter from their earlier interactions. "This is your third time saying 'thank you' Bada," she said, her tone harsh and cold.

The idol got goosebumps at the sound of her name rolling off of Lei's lips, to her it was sweet and soft.

"Stop" Lei repeated, using Bada's own words from earlier. Bada bit her lip nodding, she deserved it.

"I'll be going now," Lei said, handing Bada the keys. "The fridge is full, I did the groceries yesterday."

Bada took the keys and their fingers touched for a split second, sending a jolt of electricity between them. Both Lei and Bada quickly brushed the moment off and ignored it.

"If you need anything, just let me know" Lei added.

"Yeah, okay" Bada mumbled, her eyes following Lei as she walked downstairs.She wanted to call Lei's name but stopped herself. It's not that serious.

She grabbed her suitcases and walked into the room where she would be staying. With a heavy sigh, she flopped down on the bed, feeling overwhelmed by the situation. This wasn't going to end well

Bada tried to be strong when she was with her members, not wanting them to worry about her feelings. Lying became easy for her, and the words "I'm fine, don't worry" entered ber daily vocabulary

She knew that her members cared about her, but she didn't want to burden them with her problems. So she put on a brave face and tried to seem strong, even when she was feeling weak inside.

But now, she was alone. She didn't have to be strong anymore, and she could finally let out all her tears. Her tears fell freely, like a never-ending stream, as she finally allowed herself to feel all the hurt and sadness she had spent so long suppressing.

#talking with eli #bada lee #bada lee edit #bada lee imagine #bada lee fanfic #bada lee x reader #swf #bada lee x oc #gxg #love on the down low smau #lotdl smau #bada lee x y/n #bada lee au #bada lee fanfiction #bada lee imagines #lee bada #swf bada lee #swf 2 x reader

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yrrtyrrtwhenihrrthrrt · 5 months

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Could you do a fic about movie ballister finding out ambrosius burns scars from the director and leads to an angsty realization and conversation about how many times he could have lost ambrosius

Ooooh, Pain (Movieverse based on context)

Ballister carefully finished wrapping clean bandages around Ambrosius's shoulder. Things were still rocky, they'd just gotten discharged from the hospital. Ballister was still mad at Ambrosius, extremely mad, but he couldn't help but worry. His (former?) partner was so concerned with his injuries that he neglected to take care of himself. Ballister was in worse shape, but a fourth degree burn that disintegrated flesh to the muscle cannot just be ignored.

"Thanks, Bal." Ambrosius smiled softly at him. "I don't know what I did to deserve your kindness after everything."

Ballister sighed. "You've been taking care of me, I take care of you. We're both hurt. I'm glad Nimona broke the canon, but I hate that you were up there when it happened. You were so badly hurt in the blast."

Ambrosius brushed him off. "It was nothing. The blast didn't actually do much, it's my own fault I'm injured. I tried to reason with the Director."

"It's not your fault you were up there, Rose." Ballister crossed his arms. "You were trying to stop her from destroying the Kingdom!"

Ambrosius turned around to look at him quizzically. "Yeah, but--? If I hadn't tried to reason with her, if I'd had my men rush her, she wouldn't have blasted us. I wouldn't have these burns, nor would any of them. Some of the other knights got really badly hurt, I was their leader, it's my fault." He looked down. Ballister furrowed his brow.

"What are you talking about? It's not your fault she fired the cannon."

"No, I mean when she blasted us. With a Jadegun. Same type of weapon she replaced your sword with. She shot us because I tried to reason with her, that's where I got the burns. Did you think it was just collateral from the blast?" Ambrosius's eyes were warm with concern and confusion.

Ballister had been dealing with so much pain. Now even more. He couldn't bear it.

Before he realized he was in tears, he was already in Ambrosius's arms, melted against his good shoulder, sobbing.

"Bal, what is it?" Ambrosius's soft hand stroked his hair.

"You could have died! You could have died and it would have been my fault!" He buried his face into Ambrosius's neck.

"How on earth do you figure that!?" Ambrosius squeezed him. "The Director attacking me is not your fault!"

"I knew she was willing to kill you!" Ballister pulled away and stared into his eyes. "The-the video, the viral confession video-- I never showed you the whole thing." He wiped his face. Gloreth, how could Ambrosius forgive him for this?

"In the video, Nimona pretended to be you. She confronted the Director about my accusation as you. The Director--" he sobbed. "Stabbed her, thinking it was you. We didn't release the full video because we didn't want people knowing Nimona was a shapeshifter. I was going to tell you at the pub but I was so mad and I didn't think of it--" he swallowed. "If you knew she was willing to hurt you you would have been more careful. I didn't tell you and you could have died because of it. I'm so sorry."

Ambrosius looked shocked, but he continued to embrace Ballister. "You have nothing to apologize to me for, I just, I had no idea." He buried his nose into Ballister's scalp. "I'm so sorry for everything. For not believing you. I know everything is hard now, but I'll fix us. Just let me fix us."

#fic request #nimona #ambrosius goldenloin #goldenheart #ballister boldheart #ballister x ambrosius #nimona 2023 #yywihh fics

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gofancyninjaworld · 5 months

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Garou in the Manga and Webcomic

So… the differences between Garou in the manga and the webcomic, how they're turning out, and what I make of it? Sure, for a story that seemed to be following the webcomic's tracks, Garou's trajectory sure has gone elsewhere (so far).

This is seriously long, and I make no apologies.

Let me start with the easy part, what I make of it. I think ONE is a DAMN LUCKY WRITER. You can't write something without wondering, at least in passing, how else you might have developed a character, a scene, what might have been. Heck, you can't make a decision in life without glancing occasionally at the path not taken and wondering where it might have led. ONE has gotten to not only wonder how else he might have taken the story of One-Punch Man, but to flesh out and publish TWO VERSIONS, and have audiences enthusiastically read both. Lucky, lucky man. A dog with two tails couldn't be happier and I'm glad for him. I'm also the greedy person double-fisting on story goodness. Mama didn't raise no picky eater! I find a lot to enjoy in both realisations of Garou.

Now for the tough part. I think I'm going to answer this from two perspectives, the in-story (intradiegetic) approach and the out-of-story (extradiegetic) one. I feel both are needed here for a reasonably comprehensive answer.

Rest below the cut.

A: In-Story

Garou's problems There isn't a change in the fundamental character, motivations, or outlook between WC!Garou and Manga!Garou. Same highly-driven, cocky, sarcastic martial arts genius. Same keen observation of the vissitudes of the world, and same soft heart that breaks at how little is done about it. Same issue with heroes as the saviours of the world. Same grandiose plan to make the world safe through terror. Same love of speechifying. The difference lies in what happened.

If I were going to put a finger on the most important difference in how things turned out, I'd put it on the issue of softness. Even if you reject all performances of toxic masculinity, as a young man, it's impossible not to internalise some of its poison. Garou is a soft guy -- and he's ashamed of his softness. When he feels he's being soft, he sees it as weakness and lashes out. Even before Saitama points this out on the battlefield in the WC, we see Garou feel that weakness and choose to lash out by trying to kill Saitama when the latter lets him off for dashing-and-dining. It's a good thing he picked Saitama, no? However, even there, there is a difference: WC!Garou is more focused on the opportunity to hunt a hero, while Manga!Garou is stung by his feeling pathetic at being pitied by even a no-name hero.

Fascinating, the change between hunting and murder attempt

In the WC, ONE doesn't make further use of this afterwards, but he comes to revisit the issue in the manga, in the aftermath of Garou accidentally saving several people and Saitama pointing out that he has a hero's instincts. While Saitama taunted Garou a bit in the webcomic so the latter would give him everything he had, it's nothing compared to the relentlessness with which Saitama keeps pressing Garou's buttons, and that combination made everything much worse.

Garou spells it out for us," I can't let myself forget this anger… not until the entirety of humanity has been made to suffer the same pain and despair I did!" Recalling the people thanking him, he thinks, "It was that simple to make my preparation and resolve waver. That's how pathetic I was…and it fucking pisses me off!" It's that incident that opened the door to how differently things went.

This is it: the point where Manga!Garou resolves to really do evil rather than Evil Lite.

Manga!Garou isn't the only guy to act this way. Even within the same arc, we see two heroes, Flashy Flash and Superalloy Darkshine, also lash out when they feel their egoes threatened. ONE shows how weak, destructive, and self-defeating this is. Fortunately, they tried hitting beings who could hit them back harder. Good!

They both had it coming: let's hope that they eventually improve themselves.

Unfortunately, what usually happens is that a bloke looking to lash out to assuage his internal feelings of weakness meets people he can punch down on, and BOY HOWDY DID GAROU PUNCH DOWN. Besides being literally poison to anyone around, his refusal to leave came from his dark joy at finally being able to provoke the fear and panic he'd hoped to from his mere presence. He targeted and murdered Genos, not just because he wanted to provoke Saitama into showing him all he had, but because he figured (correctly) that this would hurt Saitama as no punch he cared to throw could. And God, did he want to wipe that stupid smile off that bald guy's face.

It is very important to note that WC!Garou also met "God", but all he got out of the deal was a fancier outfit that Saitama quickly punched off him. It's the toxic determination to cause pain that marks the difference with Manga!Garou.

At the end of the day, His Yeastiness is a facilitator, not a controller.

It appalls a lot of readers to think that the lovely Garou, whom we so want to admire and root for as the underdog, can also be the same Garou who is so ugly, but it's the truth: all people are capable of all things.

We can well look some askance at Saitama for taunting Garou to do his worst rather than just beating him down and giving him a good talking-to, but the responsibility for his actions all lies on Garou. Say what you like about Garou, but you can never accuse him of riding on others' coattails: he has slapped away every hand proffered to him, so for him to recognise his limits and humble himself to ask Saitama for help is a huge credit to his strength of character and courage. He taught Saitama how to travel back in time to stop him from making the same mistake, and bravely persisted even though it cost him his life.

The manga explores what Garou could be much more thoroughly than the WC does (this is not a criticism of the WC -- I'll come back to that later), showing us both the heights of how noble he can be and the depths of how toxic he can also be.

Farewell, noble prince.

Who cares? By this, I don't mean this as a slight to the reader, but rather as a way of noting that the comparison is incomplete without also considering who cares about Garou in each version. WC!Garou is really alone. Yes, Bang goes out to stop him, and, notably, the old man finds himself moved to sorrow rather than rage when Garou is finally stopped by Saitama. However, as of yet, there has been no further meeting nor reconciliation between the two.

The contrast with Manga!Bang is fascinating. While Manga!Bang is no angel (indeed, we learn that he is a deeply selfish man… learn? We kinda knew that), he really does give up everything (the regard he enjoyed as a martial artist, his dojo, and his hero career) in an attempt, not to subdue Garou, but to bring him back to the good side, the same way his elder brother did for him so many decades ago. You need a heart of stone not to be moved by his acknowledging how he has failed as a master and all but begging Garou for a chance to start over.

When Garou runs away at the end of the night, Manga!Bang goes to find him and persuades him to turn himself in. When Garou's parents refuse to come and pick up their son -- as an 18-year-old, Garou is a minor -- Manga!Bang steps in as his guardian, goes with him to the police to answer for the one outstanding crime (the dine-and-dashing), accompanies him to apologise to the heroes he hunted, and is very present in Garou's life. Even if I'm giving Bang's tough love regimen the side-eye, the way that Manga!Garou hasn't been abandoned unloved into the world to fend for himself is a welcome development. It's interesting to see some of Bang's former students who left because they didn't trust that Bang would not favour Garou even though the latter beat them up, have started to come back to see if the old man really has changed.

What really matters If you will forgive my diverging a second, one of the fun things ONE comes to frequently is that we don't know what will make us happy. In chapter 85 (86 in print), the panel of Fubuki staring agog at the sight of several heroes stuffed in Saitama's tiny apartment, with Bang, Bomb, and Genos all tending their wounds, really stands out to me. Not 24 hours ago, there is no way Genos would have been comfortable enough to start repairing himself with the other heroes around: this point marked his no longer being 'the weird new guy' and rather being 'one of the guys'. If you had told Genos that he was looking for acceptance, he'd say you were talking nonsense, and yet, acceptance is one of the things he's looking for, even though he doesn't know it.

Garou isn't looking for acceptance, but he is looking to be seen and appreciated. Even as he grumbles about being made to clean the dojo and go to court-mandated jobs, Manga!Garou really is happy to be doing something to build the dojo back up. Just as importantly, working day-by-day to build up rather than tear down has brought WC!Garou a sense of peace and perspective. His work ethic and strength being appreciated can't not have an effect on him, even if he isn't cracking a smile when complimented.

Even if he's being either sarcastic or glum, Garou contributing something valuable and being appreciated for it really is something he was searching for.

What about next time? Finally, I'll point out the differences in what's facing them. Because Saitama solved his internal problems by pointing out that he was a frustrated hero at heart, WC!Garou's ongoing problems are largely external. He's an outlaw who needs a way to be rehabilitated into society. I'm hoping that the Neo Heroes affair offers Garou a way to redeem himself and get outstanding charges dropped. Working under the table, unable to get full working benefits, go to school, own a house and the like on account of unspent criminal convictions gets old fast.

Persisting and building despite all the fools harassing him, WC!Garou is developing some maturity fast.

Manga!Garou has not had to critically examine his beliefs yet, so he's not convinced he's wrong. What he does know is that he absolutely does not want to become a monster and that hunting heroes is a stupid idea. There's an internal struggle that needs to be finished here. He also has external problems: Bang's very helpfulness in getting so many charges against him dropped, means that there are going to be a lot of people out there in the story who feel he hasn't been punished enough. It is going to be exacerbated by the fact that Bang plans to introduce him to the Hero Association as a new hero, and Sicchi fully intends to parachute him into Class S despite knowing that all hell will break loose among the heroes. I don't think Garou's yet been told of this plan -- expect fireworks.

At the moment, Garou's ongoing ambitions are being treated as a joke. But like most things OPM, it won't be a damn bit funny when it comes up again.

B: Out-Of-Story

The art of constraint The differences in the space and time available to the manga and the webcomic really do matter. Just as you can say the same thing in a short poem, a short story, and a novel, the form of the art creates both restrictions and opportunities in how ideas are explored and expressed.

I think ONE is using both the super-compact storytelling of the webcomic and the more expansive saga of the manga well, but they create different possibilities. The webcomic is compact, and interestingly, ONE has usually preferred to focus on the characters sequentially: when it's a character's turn to get their fish fried, we see their fish thoroughly scaled, gutted, filleted, dredged in flour, fried to a crisp and served with a garnish. Their problems are pulled out, they face their crisis, it gets resolved with Saitama's help, and they're kicked out into the cold to make room for the next character. We don't mind seeing them again, but they've had their anagnorisis, they've had their peripeteia, they've had their denouement, and all they have to do is go and implement what they've learned. It's very satisfying, very compact.

However, the manga has a lot more space -- it's after all, the paid jobs of ONE, the workaholic artist Murata, Murata's assistants, and the staff at Shueisha -- and so, it's got more bandwidth. The manga tends to do character development in parallel: we see a lot of characters facing challenges and developing in tandem. Very little needs to be finished at a given time, and so ONE is happy to leave characters with further work still to do.

WC!Garou got his answer all neatly tied up. He was in a position to swallow that bitter pill, and so when we see him, he's working out how to live and has renounced his old beliefs. Manga!Garou has not had any neat answers. On the one hand, it's less satisfying to us as readers, but on the other hand, it gives Manga!Garou much more scope to develop over time to become someone WC!Garou can't imagine being.

Swings and roundabouts: ONE does not believe in giving characters what they haven't worked for, and so where there's less space for characters to work things out, there's also limits to what can be explored. However, he doesn't shortchange the webcomic characters: they get the right amount of development for the space in the webcomic.

No nuclear-powered truths for Garou in the manga; instead, a deliberately more open observation that leaves him more to work out.

A colder world Without a doubt, I'd rather live in the webcomic version of the OPM universe than the manga one. For a given timepoint, the manga universe is so much more dangerous it's not even funny. However, if you ask most readers, without thinking, they'd say the webcomic is the darker place. It isn't, but what it is, is bleaker feeling. A major part of that is that there is less interaction between characters. Not a lot less, just sufficiently less to start to matter, and that compounds. I'm not going to belabour this point: I've already written about it elsewhere.

Since one of ONE's wheelhouses is that we need others in order to be fully ourselves, with even the negative interactions having value, the webcomic becomes an increasingly bleak reflection of the manga for the characters, as we see how many opportunities they've lost. And I'm sure that part of the reason WC!Garou appears so subdued is that he's having to face the reality that he really is all alone in the world -- and he's got no one to blame but himself. It's funny, even when we say that we don't give a fuck about others, we sure hope that at least a few others will give a fuck about us.

If you want me to sum up where they are in their respective stories, WC!Garou has hit rock bottom and is rebuilding his life one brick at a time, while Manga!Garou has been spared hitting rock bottom (for now: the rock bottom he was heading for was 100% fatal). The latter's day of reckoning is yet to come but come it surely will.

Summary

In short, chaos theory rules here: small changes to initial conditions lead to large changes in outcome, all while being quasi-deterministic. I think both are good explorations of the character in context.

#OPM #meta #long #from webcomic to manga #Garou

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thebibliosphere · 1 year

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Hey Joy, this isn't a question so much as a way for me to convince myself I'm not a hypochondriac, lol. Lately, I've been experiencing symptoms of fatigue, brain fog or memory issues, light-headedness, etc, that are uncommon for my age (30). I have related disorders such as anemia, anxiety, & ADHD that may be contributing to these symptoms, although they seem to have gotten worse or appear more frequently now than when I was initially diagnosed with those disorders. My work allows me to read & interact with disabled people with rare diseases, so I often find similarities with their medical issues. At first, I thought this was all just burnout or something related to the lockdown during COVID. I just saw my doctor and had blood work done to check my levels, and I may have a heart condition (tachycardia, mitral valve prolapse). I've fallen asleep at work before because I can't keep my eyes open, even after a full 8 hours of sleep. I can get dizzy from standing up too fast & can't seem to be on my feet for very long without discomfort & pain (I used to work retail, how did I ever do it?). I've researched some of my symptoms and found ME/CFS and POTS as possible conditions. Do you think it's a possibility I have these, or is it just my anxiety? Thank you! (P.s. Hunger Pangs is on my tbr!)

I obviously cannot tell you with any certainty what is wrong--and I am glad you are seeing doctors about it already and may have possible answers wrt tachycardia and the mitral valve.

What I will say is that there are many types of dysautonomia, of which POTS is one, and that what you are describing sounds very familiar to me as someone with two known types of dysautonomia.

The fact that this is hampering your quality of life to the point where you fall asleep at work, are unable to stand without getting dizzy, and are experiencing chronic pain, is enough of a reason to pursue further testing for things like dysautonomia and, yes, possibly even ME/CFS though given your history of anemia, I'm inclined more toward dysautonomia because the two often go hand in hand.

Also, it is normal to feel anxiety experiencing these types of symptoms. Even if it turns out to be a symptom of your anxiety, doesn't make the experiences any less real and debilitating, and you deserve treatment that will help improve your quality and comfort of life. And there is treatment and things you can do that will make you feel better. Getting your anemia under control should be a top priority if it isn't already. Mines was allowed to go untreated for years until we found out my iron anemia was being caused by pernicious anemia (b12 deficiency), and the iron anemia I'd been plagued with since birth suddenly cleared up.

Years and years of blood transfusions and infusion treatments, and the whole time I needed b12. Who knew? Certainly not my old doctors.

Anyway. If your symptoms are at the point where you are recognizing yourself in things like POTS? It's time to pursue that with your doctor. Don't put it off because you think it's not that bad or others have it worse. Everyone deserves to feel well.

Good luck.

#chronic health tag #and have fun reading Phangs when you get to it!

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corviiids · 1 year

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For the ask game: 1 and 13. Have a good day sir Achilles 🫡

thank you my friend 🫡 this is long. im putting it under the cut. for the record i have chosen achilles and patroclus.

the character everyone gets wrong

i could for real pick any character for this so im glad i've gotten this a few times. let's start with achilles though given the spirit of the ask and how deeply mad it makes me that people get him wrong so often, in so many ways, with such total confidence. the biggest and worst way is when people think he's bloodthirsty or cruel by nature, or when people think that because he acts with such callousness that proves he's a simplistic killing machine or lacks human emotions. to be clear this isn't a speech in defence - this is not about me saying he's a "good person", it's just that that's not the heart of why he's so violent and the distinction is important to me because it informs basically everything he does.

achilles is 1) is a hyper-competent fighter 2) feels emotions in a big way and 3) tends to externalise his sadness grief guilt etc as anger and then violence because it's easier to feel and to experience than all the other stuff. that, and the one time we really see him fight in the iliad is when he's going on a crazed rampage where he IS bloodthirsty and destructive. so it's really easy to look at that and conclude that he has no feelings or just really likes killing, because we don't see anything else. the rest of his character is implied rather than shown and it's really easy to miss. but for me the heart of why the iliad is so heartbreaking for achilles is that the rampage shows the breakdown of achilles' character, not the core of it. it's exactly so tragic because that's actually not who he is. it's not that he isn't violent or hasn't killed or that he has reservations about taking lives, but you can see in earlier events that something is different. for example we are told that achilles when he defeats enemy soldiers is actually perfectly happy to spare and ransom them rather than killing them, which tells me he doesn't fight to kill, he fights to win. that's not hugely different in terms of the outcome, given it is in a war context where defeat and death tend to mean the same thing, but it IS different from a personality and character perspective, because it tells us achilles is at worst indifferent to human life rather than actually being driven by a desire to take it. better? worse? doesn't matter, not my point - just different. and, actually pretty unique amongst all the soldiers we hear about. that makes achilles one of the less bloodthirsty soldiers in the iliad, even if he has one of the highest body counts of the army. diomedes, for example, and even arguably patroclus, are shown with more active bloodlust than achilles.

but that changes in the rampage. it's very explicit in the case of lycaon (one of priam's millions of sons) because achilles meets him in the rampage and we're told that achilles has actually captured him once before and chose then to ransom him. lycaon supplicates him again this time and begs for his life once more. achilles then tells him that before patroclus died, he preferred to spare trojan lives and ransom them, but now that patroclus is dead, things are different. then he kills lycaon. so here we see the change. achilles used to fight to win, because he had no active desire to destroy or cause pain, he just didn't care if that happened on the way to achieving glory. he was driven by victory, pride, vanity, even the fun of fighting. but now patroclus is gone, so he's driven by guilt and grief. he fights to kill. he doesn't do that out of heartlessness or callousness - he does it out of pain. what i'm saying is that when he's out there taking lives, it's not because he has no feelings, it's because he feels too much. hence, the breakdown of his character: the rampage is achilles at his absolute lowest moment lashing out in the only way he can figure out how to do, and it proves that whatever achilles is, he's not a simple killing machine.

just pausing my diatribe to add that there's a lot more to this! the violence thing is just one example. people sometimes see him as cold and unfeeling or simplistic because of the way he reacted to agamemnon and briseis, the fact that he is willing to turn on his own people, the fact that he won't fight to save their lives - all things he does in great selfishness with really tragic and significant consequences, but also all way more complex than they appear from looking at it. if i start on why the "sulking in his tent" thing pisses me off we'll be here for like ten years and you'll need a horse to escape me. i'll just leave it. you gotta trust me.

back on the bloodlust: it's really significant that patroclus is the turning point, because patroclus plays a key role in grounding achilles to humanity and all aspects of mortality. once patroclus is gone, that moral center is gone too, and we begin to see the breakdown of this half-divine figure into a character so struck with deeply human emotions he can't figure out how to hold that he ironically can't maintain his humanity anymore. there's a lot going on and it makes achilles an extremely complex character with very complex feelings, so it drives me absolutely up the wall bonkers when people see him and go, oh there's the guy who fights and kills a lot, he was really mean when we saw him, he sulked in his tent and has no compassion, let's just reduce him to a simple fighter who only cares about himself and that's the end of his motivation. there's a lot of bad things you can say about achilles and have them be perfectly true. he's very selfish and very proud. but he's definitely not a simplistic, mindless, bloodthirsty warrior. that really misses the point of him.

13. worst blorboficiation

okay let's talk about patroclus.

there's this fanon phenomenon that happens a lot with female characters, especially where they're the only female character (or only feminine character) in a group of otherwise masculine figures. it's a very particular kind of girlbossification that turns them into a hypercompetent mom friend who always has their shit together, is secretly better at everything (especially fighting) than all the Guys, and likes to roll their eyes at how immature and silly Their Boys are! i don't need to name examples. you know. you Know.

it happens to male characters too, though, in specific circumstances. they usually have traditionally feminine skill sets and they're often noted for being maternal, caring, or kind. as if to compensate, fanon tends to aggressively exaggerate their competence in all areas. patroclus in the song of achilles was famously portrayed as not very battle-ready, which yes is characterisation i did not like, but a lot of iliad and patchilles people REALLY REALLY didn't like it and now everyone makes a REAL POINT of pointing out how competent patroclus is on the battlefield. and he IS! HE IS! i think, though dont quote me, he has the highest named body count in the iliad. so like, you will never see me arguing against the idea that he's an extremely strong and competent warrior and that his compassion is a choice rather than a product of weakness. im firmly in that camp and i could go on about it all day. but it came with this whole host of Sassification where suddenly it wasnt just that patroclus is one of the best greek soldiers, it was No seriously guys, Patroclus is a BOSS XD. Also, he's the one holding the braincell. He's really sassy and sarcastic and he has Achilles whipped. Etc. Etc.

which, the same way this irks me when it happens to female characters, just annoys me so much. it kind of lessens the impact of how legitimately great and unique patroclus is as a character because it feels like a constant defence against an argument that isn't even necessarily being presented, at least not anymore. when you're constantly trying to make a point with reference to the idea that everyone thinks the other point is true, it weakens the point. patroclus is great. he's one of the best greek soldiers. he can wreck shop. he's exceptionally kind and he's known for being compassionate and caring, which is super significant to the iliad's narrative and themes. i love him. he does NOT have the brain cell. if he ever had it, apollo knocked it out of him the second or third time he tried to climb the same wall he'd just fallen off.

#rookposting #thanks this got really long #iliad

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klitzofficial · 2 years

Text

Period Cramps

Klitz X fem!reader

Warning: 18+, smut, swearing (I'll add more later)

A/N:

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"Klitz please, it's the only thing I haven't tried yet. It's either this or I go to the hospital." She whispered through tears.

Klitz grabbed the hot pink dildo off of her bed as a similar shade rushed to his face. He thought back to exactly how he'd gotten himself here.

They were supposed to meet in the library to finish their history reports together, but when she didn't arrive on time he got worried. Then when she didn't answer his first five calls, he began to full on panic.

He couldn't live with himself if something happened to her. She was his best friend, even if he wanted more. He was fine staying "just friends". He was just glad she was even talking to him.

He gathered his things and left the library, millions of different scenarios swimming through his brain, none of them good.

He tried to call her several more times on the drive to her house. She still didn't answer.

He stormed into her house, knowing that if she were home she'd have the place all to herself. He ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time and pushed her bedroom door open.

All his fear and worries fell away when he saw her in bed, covered up to her neck in blankets.

He crept up towards her and bent down, which is when he noticed she wasn't asleep. Not only that but she had been crying.

"Hey, hey what's going on, are you okay?"

She threw her blankets off to reveal that she she was completely nude.

"Klitz please, you know I love you, and I'd never want you to feel uncomfortable, but I am in so much pain. I'm experiencing the worst period cramps of my life, and I've tried every technique on the internet. I'd do it myself but I can't bend that way because it makes the cramps worse. Will you please do this for me?"

Her speech was fiendish and sounded rushed, and he could tell how much pain she was in. He fought the urge to stare at her body the entire time, choosing instead to analyse a particularly interesting corner of the room.

Because of the long amount of time it was taking for him to answer, she thought he'd say no.

"Listen I know it's weird. If you don't want to do it can you at least drive me to the hospital?"

"No."

"What?"

"I'll do it." He said looking up from the sex toy in his hands, "I just don't want this to break up our friendship."

She began to laugh, but stopped abruptly. Releasing a high pitched whine due to the sudden pain she felt.

Klitz knew that noise shouldn't have gotten him so excited.

"So...do I have to put a condom on this thing, or like...use lube?"

She snickered and motioned for him to go through her side table.

While he got ready, and took off his shoes and jacket, she tried to get herself comfortable, moving her blankets and pillows away to get enough room for unrestricted movement.

When he was finally ready, she opened her legs and grabbed her thighs. Klitz wouldn't look at her though.

"It's okay, you're allowed to look."

He tore his vision away from the wall and made eye contact with her. She rolled her eyes and grabbed one his hands and put it on her breast. She then took the dildo out of his hands and leaned forward to insert it into her pussy.

She was trying to avoid worsening her cramps, so she was moving robotically, but Klitz couldn't tear his eyes away now that he received permission. She took his other hand and wrapped it around the base of the dildo.

"See I did the hard part Klitzy. Now all you have to do is push it in. And pull it out. Okay?" She said that last part slowly. All he could do to reply was swallow and quickly nod his head.

He started to slowly pump the hot pink toy in and out, loving the way she quietly suppressed her little moans. She took the hand he lazily rested on top of her breast - likely too afraid to move it - and intertwined their fingers.

"Fuck baby just like that," she let slip out.

Her eyes were shut, and Klitz couldn't tear away his gaze. He was enthralled, the way her eyebrows knitted together, the way her lips moved when she was breathlessly encouraging him. He felt guilty about the tightness growing in his pants.

She then took her free hand and began to massage her clit.

After 30 seconds of this action, her back began to arch. She then opened her eyes and made eye contact again.

"Faster Klitzy, I'm about to come. You're doing such a good job baby."

He sped up his actions and watched as her body tensed up, and she took her hands and gripped the sheets. He tried to keep going but her legs snapped shut and she pushed his hands away.

He watched her come down from her high, panting and covered in sweat. He thought she was ethereal, and couldn't help himself when he brushed his hand along her cheek and connected his lips with her's.

Before she could realise what was happening, he pulled away from her and began to gather his things.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that. I just got caught up in the moment and I di-"

He didn't get to finish before she spun him around and pulled him down to meet her. This kiss was more forceful, yet passionate, since she was now in control.

She pulled away and pushed him aside.

"I need a shower. If you come in with me I can help you with your little problem right there." She said gesturing to his crotch.

He looked up and started stuttering but she had already made her way to the bathroom.

#klitz #klitz smut #klitz x reader #klitzxreader #klitz the girl next door #klitz tgnd #paul dano #paul dano character smut #paul dano character x reader #klitz imagine #paul dano character imagine

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indigo-flightly-falls · 2 months

Text

It's a Quarter After One, I'm All Alone and I Need Someone

My gift to @staringamassivemistakeintheface for the MCYT Valentines Day Exchange :D (@mcyt-valentines)

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Characters: Ren & Skizz

Ships: renskizz (focus), poly dogwarts (background)

Summary: (Newsies AU) The night after the failed protest and subsequent beating the newsies took, Ren confronts Skizz on a fire escape and they talk about stuff.

Trigger warnings: mentioned/discussed period typical homophobia (in the context of Ren's family pressuring him into marrying a girl), brief mentions of police brutality (talking about a past event), smoking.

Ao3 link: It's a Quarter After One, I'm all Alone and I Need Someone - Stars_In_Our_Paws - 3rd Life | Last Life SMP Series [Archive of Our Own]

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"Alright, Sparrow, can you move your leg?"

Ren and Racetrack were currently helping Sparrow figuring out how bad his leg had gotten hurt during the raid.

"King, I walked back to here, I think I can move my leg." Sparrow sassed, his tongue sticking out to distract himself from the pain.

"That doesn't mean you can currently move it." Ren pointed out, raising his eyebrow. "Move it now, or I'll tell Bumlets that you're making your leg worse."

"Threats aren't fair." Sparrow grumbled, but he complied. He was able to move his leg a bit, but it clearly was hurting him. "Fuck this." He hissed, leaning back into Racetrack's arms. "I'm not listening to you."

"Alright, I'm not helping you if you won't listen." Ren threw his hands up, knowing Sparrow would rather listen to Racetrack anyways.

Ren stood up, stretching by reaching his hands to the sky. The lodging house was bustling, but it was quieter then normal. The beating they'd taken had been a blow, and even worse was Crutchie being taken and Jack unable to be found.

He took a small walk towards the windows leading up to Jack's 'penthouse', which was what he called the top of the fire escape.

Ren noticed a figure on the lower fire escape, almost thinking for a second it was Racetrack due to the smoke trails, before realizing with a shock that it was Skizz. And then he felt a bit silly because he could hear Racetrack berating Sparrow for stressing his bad leg.

Skizz had never smoked before. Ren wanted to figure out what was up.

Ren climbed out the window, taking a breath of the air, tinted with smoke. Skizz had his back to Ren, staring out at the city below.

"Hey, come here much?"

Skizz turned his head towards Ren, before looking back out at the city's lights.

"King, you know the answer." Skizz answered, not smiling like he usually did. He took another drag of the cigar, probably stolen from Racetrack.

"Drop the title please, you know I'm Ren to you guys." Ren walked over to lean on the railing next to Skizz, looking at the smoke trails.

"Yeah, but you're the king of the five of us."

Ren pulled Skizz into a side hug, leaning his head onto his boyfriend's.

"I like being just Ren around you guys."

Skizz huffed a laugh, rolling his eyes. "You picked the nickname King, you dug your own grave."

Ren gently punched him in the side for that, before the two of them drifted into quiet.

It was nice, after the day they'd had. Skizz had new bruises on his face, and Ren had bloodstained bandages on his wrist. It was the price they paid.

"How's Etho?" Skizz broke the silence, looking worried for his partner. Ren just sighed.

"You know how they are. They pretend not to care, but they care deeply 'bout everybody in this lodging house. Crutchie getting taken's shattered their confidence."

"Should I go check on them?"

Ren shook his head, exhaling. "Hand and B are with them."

Skizz nodded, still looking worried. "I'm glad they're not alone. Is everybody else okay?"

Ren made a so-so motion with his hand. "We're all bruised up, Les's arm is bothering him and Sparrow's leg flared up again, but we got away pretty good considering it was the bulls."

"I suppose it's better then it could be."

"Yeah." Ren agreed.

Once again the two drifted off into a easy quiet, knowing neither of them had much to say. They just watched the city together, as Skizz periodically exhaled a bit of smoke.

Ren used the time to reflect on his choices in the day, trying to figure out if he could've stopped Crutchie from getting taken.

"You know," Skizz started suddenly, "It's kinda funny how many formerly middle class or wealthy people are here."

When Ren raised his eyebrow, Skizz continued to explain.

"Well there's you, Sparrow, Nipper, Racetrack, Etho, Martyn, and probably at least one other." Skizz counted off on his hand. Ren just chuckled in amusement, with the smallest amount of bitterness mixed in.

"Yeah, and of course I'm the only one who gets badgered to come back home."

"Got another letter this morning?" Skizz questioned, evidently remember how downcast and angry Ren had been as they walked out of the lodging house.

"Yep." Ren said, stressing the 'p'. "They said they had a 'nice perfect girl' picked out for me, and if I went home and married her, they'd forget about my 'transgressions'." He growled the last word out, making fists with his hands.

"Ah, that's what got you upset?" Skizz asked, leaning against the wall.

Ren nodded, leaning onto his left hand while his right hung over the balcony.

"That sucks. They really are just pushing you to get married to a girl, aren't they?" Skizz asked, knowing exactly where Ren came from and what was at stake.

"I get caught in the Bowery once, and they all take it as a hint I'm gay." Ren held his finger up, shaking it. He then sighed.

"You are, though." Skizz said with a knowing smile.

"Yeah, but I don't want them to know that." Ren said, hanging his head.

"People are stupid." Skizz commented staring off into space.

"Yeah." Ren laughed in agreement, smiling at Skizz. "I'm glad this place is at least open-minded enough to let us be together quietly."

"I mean, nobody talks about it, but there's the five of us, Racetrack and Sparrow have something going on, same with Blink and Mush. Crutchie has eyes for Jack, both Etho and Cosmo have been accepted as, quote, 'not a girl, not a boy, but space', and Racetrack's been pretty open about being born a girl, so..." Ren continued, listing off the many queer people in the lodging house.

"I don't know how this specific group of newsies is so gay." Skizz laughed, finally putting the cigar down.

"Yeah, but I guess if I have to die because of who I am, I'm glad I'll be dyin' with youes." Ren told him with a smile, showing off his pointed teeth.

"Don't say that!" Skizz cried playfully, pushing Ren to the side. "We're gonna live for years together!"

"I know, I know!" Ren laughed, just glad he had gotten Skizz's spirit up again.

The two of them fell into the same silence they always seemed to, just enjoying the night and each other. They linked their hands, watching the stars twinkle in the sky and tried to ignore how they should've been hearing the sound of two bodies above them.

Ren looked into Skizz's eyes, finding the exact same thing he was thinking.

'I'm so glad I met you'

Ren leaned into his side, feeling Skizz press a quick kiss onto his forehead.

This was nice.

#trafficblr #3rd life #indi's writing #renskizz #dogwarts #life series #mcyt-valentines #I know you said you wanted renskizz but I'm also poly dogwarts trash so you get both :D #also while the content of the writing isn't very funny the general idea of these 5 idiots being part of the newsies family takes me out #you know Etho and Racetrack partake in gambling often (thinks back to stat poker). Skizz & bigb probably do as well #also Nope I know this is the third(?) AU where dogwarts interacts with the newsies but honestly this is just how i roll lol #it's kinda funny how for the Halloween exchange i didn't start planning my gift until the posting day.#but this exchange i had finished on the 4th and have only proof read and shit after that

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livebloggingmydescentintomadness · 7 months

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Hi Ashley!

I’ve been dealing with a chronic pain issue for about a year and a half, and it’s recently gotten a lot worse— a day of work’s worth of movement that used to be doable now has me crying on public transit coming home from the pain. I’ve been advocating for myself at work to make my routine more accessible, which has gone well, and I’m long term working on getting access to surgery that should hopefully help, but all of that is emotionally exhausting.

I’m writing to vent, because it’s been a really upsetting couple of weeks. But also I’m thinking about potentially starting to use a mobility aid, which I’ve never done before and which I’m finding really intimidating for some reason. I guess it makes it real for me in some way? For a long time this has been something I’ve just taken upon myself to grin and bear it, and just deal with the pain when I get home, and somehow accepting that it’s a real problem that I’m allowed to be accommodated for—and to be seen in public using a mobility aid— is scary to me. If you have the time and energy, any words of comfort or advice you have to offer would be much appreciated :) thanks for everything you do.

oh sweetie, i'm so sorry, that sounds awful. though i gotta say i'm really proud of you for getting accommodations and planning surgery, that's not easy. i'm glad your job is working with you and i hope you can get the surgery soon.

i've been disabled with chronic pain and fatigue for more than 15 years now, and i think the crux of what gets people so damn freaked out about disability - both those who do and don't have them - is this: control.

we want to believe we're in control. we want to believe we're in charge of our lives and our bodies. we want to believe that if we do things right, bad things won't happen to us. we're absolutely terrified of admitting that we do not, in fact, control our health. that terrible, painful things can just... happen.

becoming disabled forces you to face those facts. your body can do things beyond your control, and you can 'grin and bear it' with all your strength and the pain can still break you down. it forces you to see that 'mind over matter' is bullshit, that pain can be stronger than you, that you're not as tough as you want to believe you are.

disability forces us to come to grips with our own mortality. it forces us to see our bodies as sacks of meat and bone. instead of a tool for freedom and creation, our bodies can become prisons we're helplessly trapped within. we are forced to realize that this is mortal flesh and it doesn't obey our orders.

all of that? that's scary as fuck. it is fucking terrifying for your body to become a torture chamber. i don't know if i'm as scared of anything as i am the knowledge that the pain i'm in every day is never going to end. that it might get worse, that i might lose more control.

it is really fucking okay to be scared, to be freaked out, to hate this force you can't see or confront that is pushing you into admitting your weakness. it's okay to hate an outward admission of that weakness, that lack of control, even though you intellectually know that disability isn't something to be ashamed of and mobility aids are good things. it's okay.

i can't really coach you through to the other side of it, though, i'm sorry, because this is a huge, messy, awful thing. losing control and confronting that lack of control fucking sucks. being in pain fucking sucks. getting stared at or asked invasive questions because of your mobility aid fucking sucks. i hope you can treat your pain and reduce it to tolerable levels, i truly do, but even so, this process is one you just have to wrestle with and walk through over time.

if i can give any advice, it's to quit grinning and bearing it. quit anything you physically can quit that makes the pain worse or doesn't relieve it. for one thing, you might be making the condition worse and harder to treat, and for another...

you may have heard it said, but fuck, suffering is just suffering. it doesn't make you stronger, it doesn't make you wiser, it doesn't teach you lessons, it doesn't make you a better person, it just wears you down. you're not braver or more admirable for holding it all in, for not treating it, not doing whatever helps to lessen the pain, you're just letting your pride and fear get in the way.

take medication. it's very fucking difficult to get now, but if it's a possibility, use opioids when you need them. try other treatments. sit down more often. wear more comfortable shoes and clothes. treat your body gently. don't punish yourself worse because you happen to be human and this is out of your control.

get the mobility aid. practice in private, and if it helps, then fucking use it. use anything that helps. for the love of all that's good, do not suffer worse than you must.

this is hard. it's scary. it's completely fucking normal to be overwhelmed, to be freaked out, to be angry, to not know what to do. but you're not alone, and none of us are in control. not really. the sooner we make our peace with that, the better off we'll be.

#chronic pain #disability #anonymous #ask

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honeybunniii333 · 3 months

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I know the first one you posted was kind of this but I'd like to request Chris angst

(SORRY THIS TOOK FOREVER, SCHOOL, AND WORK ARE KICKING MY ASS. Also, these are based on my own experience with panic attacks. I know that a lot of people touch triggering, but i personally find it grounding. Hope this is painful enough? ❤️)

He didn't know why he was still crying. His dad had passed out ages ago. But he just couldn't calm himself down. His face hurt, and he was shaking, and breathing just felt too hard. He'd been like this for at least an hour, but it felt like so so much longer. The lights in his room were too bright, but he didn't have it in him to uncurl himself from his corner to turn them off. "Chris?" He hadn't even heard the window open. "Chris...hey?" Everything was blurry. His thoughts ran together too much for him to focus on any particular one, The lights went out, and there was someone beside him. close but not close enough to touch. "Chris..." Nevin's voice softened as he moved to sit beside the taller boy. "Hey...look at me... can you look at me, please?" The boy asked gently, and after a moment or so, he slowly lifted his head up enough from his knees to look at the other as asked. It wasn't like Nevin didn't know what was happening. The intense aura of panic had smacked him in the face the moment he'd set foot in the boy's backyard. But seeing the look of Pure unfiltered distress on his face still made the shorter teens' heart clench uncomfortably. "Can I touch you?" He didn't want to make it worse. Sometimes, touched helped certain people, and sometimes, it made it worse. "Please...?" the boy croaked out, he needed something, something grounding, something to make the suffocating feeling go away. And just like that, there were arms wrapped around him that he immediately leaned into, tucking his face into the others shoulder, his hands bundling up the fabric of the emo teens pajama shirt, it briefly occurred to him that Nevin was asleep before he came here, his hair wasn't fixed properly and he hadn't even bothered with his jacket... but he couldn't focus on it long because there were nails raking through his hair and quiet mumbled reassurance he couldn't quite process but somehow still felt comfort from.

Slowly but surely, after a few minutes of gentle words and gentle hands, he finally finally could breathe again. "Chris...?" hands found their way to his face as Nevin pushed him back just enough so to properly look the boy over. Chris found himself grabbing onto the boy's waist, just to keep the contact as much as he could. Nevin didn't comment on it, just tilted the boy's face up a bit to inspect the very obvious bruise forming on pale skin. His eyes narrowed, but he chose not to speak on it then. He knew it would just upset Chris more, and that's the last thing the shaky kid needed right now. "Wanna talk about it?" He asked. "No..." Chris admitted, glancing away in an almost guilty manor. Nevin paused for a brief moment before speaking again. "Wanna get out of here?" He tilted his head as he moved his hands to take the others in them and squeeze gently. "....Yes." Chris was suddenly, all too aware of how much of a mess he was right now. His legs felt wobbly as he stood, and his head spinned for a moment as he let himself be slowly led over to the window.

And then that thought he'd had reoccurred to him as he watched Nevin open the window again in preparation for their escape. "Hey...Nev?" He asked, cringing internally at how cracky his voice sounded. "Yeah?" The reply came softly as he climbed out to the other side, finding his footing quickly on the slanted roof. He'd gotten used to this. Over the last few months, it'd become routine. "How did you know to come over?" The boy paused for a moment, turning to look back at the still trembling junior. "I don't know.." he shrugged. "I just.. felt like I should... so I did." he whispered, "I'm glad you did." He added, and if Nevin felt the affection that came with that statement, he didn't say a word about it. They were silent the rest of the way down, and if Chris chose to hold Nevins hand the rest of the way to his house, Nevin wouldn't say a word about that either.

#ibvs #ibvs posts #nevin jovel #isaac beamer versus the supernatural #chris jackson #chrevinstoph #panic attacks #implied abuse #its never actually stated but we can all use our brains and figure out what happened im sure lol #Oh poor poor Christopher

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too-many-plants-man · 2 years

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It took two fucking months of doing my absolute best to avoid gluten but, I can finally feel temperature with my hands properly again.

I did not find this out in a pleasant way but at the same time I was super excited about feeling my hand getting burned right away as opposed to feeling it burned several seconds later after too much damage is done.

My gastrointestinal situation has also gotten so much better. It's wild to me because last week, there was, what felt like, no progress or even backsliding since I'd been having the weird tingling again in my torso, hands, arms, and face. I cannot understate how much I'm no longer dreading using the restroom.

And I'm not eating over 4000 calories because my body isn't rejecting half digested materials anymore. I'm a little sad about that because I was getting to enjoy so many meals at a whim basically but, I'm more glad that my body is actually digesting things again.

I've also been taking vitamin c and B12 chewables because I know the gastrointestinal inflammation I've been dealing with was messing up nutrient absorption and part of the nerve damage was due to a B12 deficiency. I figured that my life was basically just going to be pain and suffering but, I'm doing better.

I never thought I'd be able to say that.

I never got an official diagnosis for celiacs disease but I'd been diagnosed with a gluten sensitivity years ago and the symptoms kept getting worse and worse and worse and I just kept getting sicker and sicker. I can't really afford to get an official diagnosis.

I've had blood work done showing I have the Antinuclear antibodies that signify an autoimmune disorder, anemia, and the allergy test from years ago with the gluten sensitivity and decided to give the home-end treatment plan for celiacs a shot.

@thebibliosphere thank you for answering so many, many questions about autoimmune disorders when you had the spoons to do so. You gave my concerns more thought than most of my doctors and having someone (even someone I don't know too well that I found on the internet) in my corner sharing similar experiences, helped.

#mpp #2022 jul 18 #disability awareness month #i never thought id be able to say i made progress & got better/let alone in 2 months/figured it would be years of not knowing if it helped

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impostorsshow · 1 month

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Another rant about my "YHS Grian gets time travel-kidnapped to participate in an MCC" daydream/au, with a focus/reflection on how permadeath worlds would affect skills, except it's not a rant it's a 1.2k - 1.8k oneshot

When Grian finds out the future version of himself got signed up to...whatever this is, he has enough to be surprised at - they're on a series of floating islands, and use a portal to travel between islands that are larger apart, something Grian's only ever seen when he traveled between England and Japan.

He saw that when [Jimmy? Timmy? Did he have to check his hearing after all this time of using firearms?] was injured after being turned from a 27 year old into a teen, he got disqualified since he wouldn't be healed by the time this whole championship started, Grian decided to not share the bullet wound at his hip [Timmy was more than eager to tell him where one of the "admins" had stored some bandages once he figured out where the clinic was].

And then they got their first round of training, courtesy of Scott wanting to make the team's more balanced to skill level when the event was closer - it was a simple game in his opinion, fill in 9 blocks with your teams color and kill your opponents before they get you [Grian wished he could say that he wasnt used to death matches being considered training.] A kid named Tommy, about 11 years old was [incredibly reasonably] distressed about murdering other kids and was disqualified, so Grian was glad he learned to keep his mouth shut.

He wasn't the best by any means, but he was more than good enough to avoid dying, his team having 3 people that were on wool duty with him and a girl named False being the only ones confident in their fighting ability. False got injured, and Grain thought she died if not for the fact she reappeared without any injuries after the round was over. Grian didn't find the time to ask and False didn't catch any of his questioning expressions, but his teammates kept getting injured and were praising him on not getting hurt [how would he have gotten this far in the Yakuza otherwise?? How did you get cut across the abdomen with an iron sword and survive? Why is he the only one freaking out ?] So Grian played it off and accepted the compliments as best he could.

The last round they didn't get the wool capture, and the other team was out for blood. Grian saw False get shot in the head by an arrow and somehow survived a 3 v 1, shooting two of the players with a shot in his shoulder and watching the last player run to place the wool, ending the game with 1 loss for his team.

He felt dizzy for a moment and closed his eyes, opening them back up to see he was teleported back onto the main island, a leaderboard infront of him. Grian felt his shoulder, confused that the blood that had stained his blue uniform [he really needed to ask for a comfier change of clothes at some point] was gone and his shoulder was just fine, even if he felt the phantom pain of the arrow, quickly fading.

The leaderboard placed him in the upper middle of players, which was worse than he expected. Everyone around him was talking to each other excitedly though, so maybe MCC was only a place where seasoned professionals played and he wasn't as numbed to death as he thought. The Yakuza in his town weren't really high quality, nothing in that town was anyway.

"Hey." Grian jumped, startled at the voice and turned to his right to see False [he made eye contact with her forehead more than her eyes, not quite able to understand how she was alive. No one could survive that, he knew that much.]. Awkward silence made itself known for a few moments, False clearing her voice and snapping Grian back to reality. "Good job. You only got hit once."

"....Yeah."

"I'm saying that it's impressive. Where did you learn to do that?"

"Oh. Uh, death matches are common where I live, you kind of just..." Grian looked away from False entirely, glancing over at people in the crowd he could have sworn were dead and another count of blood on his hands. "Have to know how to survive that, or you learn the hard way."

Grian heard False mumble some agreement and walk away, narrowing his eyes at the leaderboard. He needed to figure out which adult was trustworthy enough to ask about this without getting a target in his back, as soon as possible.

In the end, he decided to ask Timmy. He was still in the clinic so surely some adult would have shared something with him, and he didn't rat out Grian for having a bullet wound ["What's a bullet?" "...a piece of metal that's used in a gun." "What's a gun?" "No wonder your in the infirmary"].

"Do you know anything about people dying and coming back?" Grian stated out of the blue, the first 5 minutes of his visit being pure silence on Grian's part to make sure an admin wouldnt come by to check up on Timmy's wounds anytime soon.

"What? Whaddya mean, Gri?"

"I mean that people keep dying and coming back. Injuries in games disappear randomly. I've seen at least like, 8 people die in the past week multiple times and all of them seem to be fine. No one's questioning it at all and-"

"waitwaitwaitwait-ow-" Timmy started waving his hands to motion for Grian to stop talking, flinching when it stretched his injury and stopped to hold his stomach where the injury was, but still eyed Grian as if he was insane. It made Grian immediately regret asking. "Are you seriously- do you not know about respawning?"

"No, unless you mean it in terms of the Gamecrab."

"I don't know what that is but -oh my god, I never thought I had to explain this ever -respawning is what happens whenever you die. Most of the time the only thing that happens is your inventory gets wiped, and you might feel like however you died for a bit or whatever injury you had last."

Grian deadpanned, getting his thoughts across very clear and making Timmy throw his hands up in exasperation. "I'm serious! How is it you've never heard of respawning, did you live on a hardcore world or something?"

"define hardcore."

"....oh my god you cannot be-" Timmy took a breath,pinching the bridge of his nose and muttering to himself for a few seconds before talking louder at Grian. "-Hardcore is used to define permadeath worlds with added difficulty to them. If you die your done forever, and even a shot to the arm can be bad enough to kill you."

"..oh,-"

"but I KNOW your not from a permadeath world because that was made illegal, right?" Grian heard a tone in Timmy's voice that sounded like Sam when he was about to snap, and decided to not ever bring this up again, responding immediately and eyeing the door.

"yup, I cant even imagine what that would be like -when was that made illegal, out of curiosity?"

"1337? seriously what-?" Grian was up from his chair and out the door before Jimmy could finish his sentence.

—————————

My version of YHS Grian is much less prone to questioning things than actual YHS Grain, and that's because this daydream is A. Made by someone who never finished YHS and B. Because it emphasizes to me the skills you would need to learn to survive living with a delusional serial killer and being in the Yakuza in general, much less a town with adults that aren't doing anything and at some points actively putting students in danger with zero consequences except for maybe getting murdered by the students.

Alot of fanfiction I see that follow the YHS -> Hermitcraft Grian timeline make him the god of combat/PVP and the most traumatized skrunkly in the world. I'm not going to deny that I may be doing the second trope can you blame me it's good content but humans learn from making mistakes, and knowing you'll survive combat gives you a hell of a lot more confidence to be more aggressive and taking risks that pay off later. I imagine children in Minecraft are just kind of thrown outside and taught how to deal with a creeper by blowing up and crying to their mom about how much it hurts to die until they stop dying or are old enough to learn to move past the pain of dying, which would have it's own psychological consequences but like. Psychological consequences of a world without death is for another post this is about how said world would compare against a world of mortality and the fear of death being less equivalent to a spider and more equivalent to the fear of being forgotten.

Anyway what im getting at here is that I think when YHS Grain is written he needs to stop being written as a PVP god, he needs to instead be written as the god of survival. It's not that he knows how to most effectively use a weapon or he can find weak points in an enemy quicker or any of that, what makes him Grian Dreamslayer is that he has the skill of dodging and misdirection, of near misses that give him just enough of an upper hand that it doesn't matter if he doesn't know how to use a sword because he thinks that if he gets hit in his stomach or chest he's not coming back, and he knows to aim for the chest of his opponent. He's absolute shit at hiding, but he knows when to identify that you've found him and when to run.

Can you tell I have a hyperfixation anyway if you read my last post I have become aware that cannibalism doesnt actually happen the way I thought it did so just like. Ignore that bit that's been vanished and if you didn't read my last post uh. I don't watch MCC and I don't watch Falsesymmetry so like feel free to critique my characterization or give me ideas this is fully self indulgent so any advice is only going to help me make up more silly things while I'm daydreaming and I might make another post about this [i have more than enough content to make like 3 similarly sized posts of this i just don't have any knowledge of who is in MCC and how they act ive literally had to search up "MCC competitors" every time i post about this]

#talk talks #daydream ranch dip #original ranch dip #yhs #yhs grian #obligatory fuck samgladiator tag im a hermitcraft fan fellas its just free real estate #grian #i was actually flabberghasted when i put this in wordcounter.net and found out that my little rant at the end was 500 words #the exact count of this post is like. the first bit is 1286 or something and then the entire post is 1806 in full #im sure this is missing a few tags but im not used to posting from my computer and i couldnt copy and paste this whole thing into the word #count site from my phone for some reason it just copied over paragraphs and not the whole thing #no but im so serious on the falsesymmetry thing the only thing i know about her is really pretty fanart good at PVP and big autism hcs

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briarpatch-kids · 11 months

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Heya, I just wanted to send an ask today saying how much I appreciate your blog - you're a really positive presence on the corner of the internet I've curated for myself.

My girlfriend has chronic pain and joint issues as well as hypertension, and we know these issues will likely get worse as she gets older bc the same thing happened to her dad. This combined with her autism (not severe but the sensory issues and difficulty with perspectives can cause struggles) and ptsd means that things are often frustrating for her and she struggles with feeling like a burden. Obviously these issues are not as severe as yours or those of many others on online disability circles, but seeing and interacting with people like you who do have severe disabilities that have gotten worse but also are living meaningful lives with people you love and things that make you happy - it makes the future seem more... hopeful. Even if things are kinda shit at times and the prospect of issues worsening is scary, I know that it's possible for us to build a life together that has meaning and is good in many ways, and that's what I want to strive towards.

Learning more about the disability community and reading what people have to say has also given me a lot more tools and understanding to support my girlfriend when she is struggling with pain or sensory issues or feelings of isolation, and to find things we can do together that work within her limitations and also bring us joy.

I know there's a lot of weird discourse going on sometimes and you've copped some pretty nasty people at times so I just wanna say thank you for being here and visibly existing as a disabled person and I dunno, just generally being a pretty cool and interesting person on the internet? It means a lot.

Thank you! That's really what I'm going for with my disability stuff online. I want to show people what kind of life you can live while disabled, while also not hiding or sugarcoating how hard it can be and how much work it is. Being around other disabled people made me a lot less afraid for the future too, you realize exactly how wide the pool of people are and how they all have their own unique and meaningful lives and how many different adaptations there are available nowadays to try and find something that works. It's really comforting, so I think I get what you mean. I'm really glad I can share that vibe.

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findingnemosworld · 8 months

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𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 - 𝐤𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐤𝐚𝐬

・𝐫𝐞𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐛𝐲: 𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐲𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐬

( 𝐂𝐚𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐊𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬? )

𝐭𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠: 𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭

𝐚𝐮𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐫'𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐞: 𝐤𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐬 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐟𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐚𝐧𝐲 𝐭𝐚𝐲𝐥𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐠 :)

[ 𝐡𝐨𝐩𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐢𝐭 ]

The text message was unexpected, what was even more unexpected was his visit to her café, a small and local place in the village, frequented by the residents here - including him, he'd decided to stop by on an afternoon, dressed in an all white ensemble which complimented his tanned skin, his hair was up in a bun which she had never expected him to pull off, there were faint lines in his eyes whenever he smiled and the increase of tattoos across his skin.

" I'm glad you came " she manages to muster up, through a shaky voice. " That -erm - ... that you made time to see me " she adds, her digits nervously toyed with the bracelet around her wrist. " How's life with you? how're your parents? I haven't seen them in a while "

" They're good " He nods with a smile, " Life is good, I'm playing for Liverpool, It's been good, busier than ever but good "

" I heard " She states, not wanting to divulge further into the fact that she watched every matched played in, be it for Liverpool or the national team. " I'm happy for you "

The conversation shifts from work to trivial topics to the beautiful weather in the village, and while she wanted to bring back a sense of normalcy, his eyes were a giveaway of how guarded he was and she knew exactly why, after all - she's the biggest blame for that.

It all stems back to three years ago, specifically in December - before he left, he'd informed her of his decision to move and while he expected her a level of love and support; the fear of being hurt again had resulted in her shattering his heart first, declaring that their love shattered with this, that they did not stand a chance with him now living miles away.

The last time they'd seen one another, he'd gotten her roses and instead of watering them, she chose to neglect them.

" Kos " She murmurs, her eyes glossy with the tears threatening to fall. " I'm sorry, for that night " she swallows the lump in her throat.

" Άγγελος, σε παρακαλώ ( Angel, please ) " He interjects with a soft tone.

" No, just hear me out " She states with a sad smile, " I thought I made the right decision back then, because you know that I had gone through so much before I met you, and when you told me you were leaving, the fear of us never finding a common ground, or worse, losing touch ... it was so consuming that, I decided to cut off the rope before it became too painful to hold onto, and what I thought was freedom slowly transformed into me missing you, and wishing that I realized how much you loved me when you were mine, and if I had the chance, I would change time "

He casts his gaze away, recalling that day as well - how painful it was to hear her say that she no longer loved him. " I never forgot you " he said with a faint smile, " In one of the interviews that I had done after the penalty I took, they asked me who was the biggest supporter that pushed me to keep going, I said, god, my family and you "

The way in which he mentioned her was enough to soften her heart, resulting in her suggesting that they should take a stroll seeing as she was done for the day, and a stroll is what they took.

The streets were familiar, and in a ludicrous sense - reminiscent of the nights that they'd sneak away from their friends, and walk together, chatting endlessly about their hopes and dreams.

" You look tired! " He breaks the silence by pointing out her current appearance which resulted in a dry chuckle from her, " Have you been sleeping well? "

" No, these days I ... " She trails off, and sighs. " I haven't been sleeping properly, every night I stay up and the day I left you, just keeps rewinding inside of my head "

" Oh " He murmurs.

" You know, I beat myself up over not calling you on your birthday " She said, which was true - within those three years, each time his birthday rolled around, she grabs her phone; wanting to call or send a message yet she couldn't find it in her, afraid that he wouldn't answer.

" I would have answered " He assures her, " perhaps not on the same day but I would have "

She smiles, " I thought about the summers we spent together, all the reckless adventures we took, remember when we took a hike and you thought that it would be fun to slide down, only to get hurt " she laughs.

He laughs along with her, " Beautiful times "

" They were beautiful times, the car rides were my favorite, especially when I'd look at you laughing from the passenger side, every joke for some reason made you laugh " She states, " I still don't know why "

" That's easy " He shrugs, " That was because you were the funniest person I know "

They stop by a familiar spot they used to frequent, they remain silent for a brief moment before she opens her mouth to say, " I realized from that day how much I loved you, it was fall time and the weather was unexpected, similar to how your love had hit me, unexpected and so beautiful "

" And then ... " He paused, " winter rolls around ... "

" Winter, the cold and dark days facilitated the fear I felt " She nods then looks at the two elders strolling together, " The fear of not spending the rest of my life with you here, you had given me so much love and I gave you nothing but goodbyes "

They continue walking, this time with nothing but comforting silence - this stroll seemed to grant them the closure that they needed.

" I missed you in that time " She said, " I tried to move on but I couldn't, from your tanned skin to your smile to the way you talked to me and comforted me, you were so good to me, so right " she takes a moment to compose herself, " the way you held me in your arms that night in September, a week after my dad died, you held me in a way that helped me gather myself back together "

He takes her hand in his to give it a gentle squeeze, not wanting to utter a word to allow her to continue.

" That was the first night you watched me cry, and every time I remember that, a sense of wishful thinking or me ludicrously dreaming that ... If we were to get the chance to rewind, I would love you properly " She wipes away the tears. " However I -um- ... I know that we can't have really turn back time, but I'll always cherish the moments that we had, we had gotten to a place now where we cannot be the two young souls in love, so if the door to your heart is closed, I understand "

Three years had passed, and yet every time she sees him, she remembers that awful day, in December where their love had crumbled; and as much as she tries to claim that she had moved on, she can't help but wish there was a way to reverse time, to undo her wrongdoings, and to love him properly.

#kostas tsimikas #kostas tsimikas imagine #kostas tsimikas one shot #kostas tsimikas fanfiction #kostas tsimikas fanfic #Spotify

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sasquapossum · 7 months

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Dear Mom:

This is the first birthday you've missed. You would have been 82. Yes, I do still think of you. Sometimes I even say "hi" to you, in the form of the glass sculpture incorporating some of your ashes, occupying a place of honor in our living room. I thought maybe you'd appreciate an update.

I'm doing fine, in a "not much going on" kind of way. Retirement is like that, as you know. I've picked up a few new hobbies, and found ways to be as social as I want to be. Life is pretty good; the trajectory you set me on has worked out well, so thank you for that.

Kevin is ... well, you know. It took us both a long time to understand that "happy" works a bit differently for him than it does for the rest of us, but I think he is happy in his own inscrutable way. He's making a bit of a name for himself in the LOTRO (Lord of the Rings Online) community - not competitively but by doing things that help other people enjoy the game more. He's mapping out new areas, making videos, etc. I guess his love of teaching and helping outweighs his aversion to social activity. I don't know if you remember that he has a cat now, a rescue from the direst of circumstances, and that brings him joy too.

The big story, of course, is Amy. She made quite an effort to come to your little funeral, which was nice. Since then she has gotten straight A's for her first year in college, and leveraged that into a transfer to the school where her boyfriend already was. You never met him, unfortunately, but I think you'd like him. I do. He's a bit goofy sometimes, but ... well, what did you expect? Amy is also enjoying a dorm room with its own bathroom and a lake view if you can believe that. She's excited about the much bigger course selection, and seems to be off to a good start making new friends. She also looks a bit different now, with darkened hair and a much more flamboyant style with clothes and accessories. Quite the head-turner, she is. I'm unbelievably proud of how she has found a way to thrive and done the things necessary to make it happen.

I found a lot of your poetry among the things you left behind. I saved everything I could, to go through later, but most of it's still at the (much emptier) storage area. I did bring some home, though, and have even posted some of it online. I hope you don't mind; you had a lot to say, and that seemed better than letting it be lost forever. Some of my friends on Tumblr - I think you'd like them, they're independent and unique and artistic like you - seem to have enjoyed those. In many ways, I think your thoughts and words might resonate more with today's young people than they did with either your or my generation. Some of your struggles were made worse by the fact that they were uncommon, but now they're less so. I feel like you'd be glad if your poetry could help or soothe someone even after the rest of you is gone.

As you can see, things are going pretty well for all of us. You are missed, to be sure, but I also hope you've found the peace and freedom (especially from pain) that so eluded you in life. The older I get, the more I appreciate what a hard - and lonely! - road it must have been. You were a good mother, and still are because there will always be a piece of you within us.

#she passed away in april #the birthday's actually tomorrow #but I had a lot of time to think on a long drive #also I don't really believe in an afterlife #but just in case...#that's the last picture I know of BTW

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