#but it never ever took away from my value in life and my drive and passions
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The Professor | Chapter 8
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synopsis: You and Jake fall back into your same old routine. Midterm exams have you all on edge and Derek decides to take his threats to the next level.
word count: 5.2k
warnings: age gap, power imbalance, blackmail, slut shaming, SMUT, unprotected sex, spanking, slapping, sex in a public space, dom/sub dynamic, stalking, unsolicited pictures being taken.
Jake was never really a “morning person.” Yes, he did have to get up early for sports practices or to get a start on cleaning as a kid living at home. But the older he got, the more he valued his sleep. When he planned his teaching schedule for the year, he almost always booked the lecture halls that had afternoon slots open. But he wasn’t complaining this morning as he looked up at you perched on his lap, his cock buried deep within you. Your whines filled the air as you rode him, bringing yourself closer to your orgasm.
“Fuck, Jake,” You threw your head back. Jake’s green eyes took in the sight of your perfect body, running a path down your throat to your chest to your naval. He could see the bulge of his length nudging at your stomach.
“You’re so hot,” He reached his hand up to grab your breast, but you smacked his hand away, “Come on. Let me touch.”
“No, don’t tell me what to do.” You said and put your hands on his chest. You could see it in his eyes as he looked at you. Like a kid on Christmas, his green eyes lit up, “I know what you want.”
“Then do it,” Jake groaned out, his hands going to your hips. You smirked as you drew your hand back and smacked him across the face. He bit back a moan at the pain, “Again.” You obliged, striking him, “Come on, harder.” Once again, your hand smacked across his cheek, and Jake let out a moan as he wrapped his arms around you and flipped you over. He grabbed your leg and put it over his shoulder, driving his hips deep inside you.
“Oh my god!” A scream of pleasure ripped through your throat as you came around him. Jake’s hips never slowed as he fucked himself to his orgasm, coating your walls. His moans when he came were probably the best sounds you had ever heard in your life. Jake collapsed down on the bed next to you, his chest covered in a layer of sweat.
“Shit, that was good,” Jake said, and wiped the sweat from his eyes. He looked over at his alarm clock and rolled his eyes. He pushed himself up from the bed and walked towards the bathroom. You pushed yourself up on your elbows, the thin white sheet covering your chest.
“What are you doing?” You called out. The answer was in the sound of the shower turning on, and Jake’s naked form walking back to the doorway. One thing you had learned about Jake from over the past couple weeks, is that he had no shame. The man would walk around his house naked all the time if he didn’t have so many windows. He knew he was handsome, and he liked to flaunt it.
“Showering, come join,” He said to you, “Unless you want to take the chance of being late to class. You have some clothes here from the other night. I washed them for you.”
“Okay,” You bit your lip and climbed out of bed, walking towards the bathroom. Jake smiled as he wrapped his hand around your wrist and pulled you into him. You giggled, and placed a hand on his chest as he leaned down and kissed you.
“Go test the water, you women like to scorch your skin for some reason,” You nodded and turned towards the shoulder. Jake smacked your ass as you walked away. You turned around with a surprised expression and he just winked at you, shamelessly looking over your body.
The shower was actually pleasant. Jake’s shower was nearly the size of your whole bedroom, and had enough room that you didn’t have to fight him to stand under the water. Besides, he let you have the most time under it anyway. He washed your hair for you, the whole time talking about the latest draft of your essay that you had been working on. When Jake wanted to, he could actually give good feedback, something actually more useful than his usual “drop date is soon” comment.
“Would Doctor Hoffman be looking for more of an informal paper on theoretical ideas based on conclusions I have drafted up from the reading, or more formal papers based on research theories?” You asked as you dried your hair with a towel.
“It all depends on what was assigned,” Jake said, trying to fix his tie, “If it was something like . . . why is Romeo the real problem in the story and not Juliet, then she would probably expect informal. But if you are diving into why Hamlet has PTSD, then she will want formal. . . Fuck!” He looked frustrated at his tie in the mirror.
“Here,” You said and walked over to him. He stood back from the mirror and faced you as you grabbed the sides of his tie, “Have you gotten a chance to look at Derek McAndrew’s first draft?”
“I can’t recall,” Jake asked, his eyebrows creasing in confusion, “Why?”
“Just wondering,” You mumbled, “There ya go.” You smoothed down the navy blue tie he was wearing. He chose a tan three piece suit today and paired it with his brown dress shoes.
“I hope this is not you asking for a special favor for a friend. Because I am not-”
“No!” You answered quickly. Even though it kind of was. Derek hadn’t let you forget what he knew about you and Jake. He texted nearly every day asking if you had talked to Jake about his grades yet, “I was just wondering. Ya know, he’s a child of a single-mother. He worked three jobs in high school to save up to be able to go to the local community college in his hometown, but he ended up getting a flawless ACT score and a full-”
“You are trying to get me to give your friend a special favor!”
“No I’m not!” You sighed and ran a hand down your face, “It’s just. . . he’s trying. We all are. Maybe you could be a little more. . . lenient when grading. Not just mine or Derek’s but the whole class. Shakespeare is hard to understand.”
“Mhm,” Jake nodded, “I’ll think about it. Now come on, we’re going to be late. Midterm exam today.”
You nodded and grabbed your backpack. Jake walked you to your car and kissed you goodbye. You had been spending most of your nights at Jake’s since the night he asked you to stay. Lucy had even asked if you had moved in with him from the lack of time you were spending at your own home. It was just easier to crash at Jake’s after spending late nights going over first year assignments, reading old papers from past students for your own assignments, and getting distracted by his wandering hands. Jake didn’t seem to mind it either. He was actually happy to have someone in the house. He gets lonely in the big house sometimes.
Lucy and Derek were already in their seats when you walked in. Lucy gave you a smirk as you sat down, and handed you a coffee. Derek, on the other hand, gave you a death glare. You had hardly talked to him since that night at the library, ignoring most, if not all, his advances to talk to you. Lucy and Zeke didn’t know what happened either, just summing it up to your relationship with Profession Seresin.
“Hey,” Derek said, tapping you on the shoulder, “Have you talked to him about my first draft?”
“No, I haven’t had a chance,” You said.
“Well, maybe if you pulled his cock out of your mouth, you would,” Derek sneered.
“It’s midterms, you fuckrag,” You spat and turned back towards Lucy, who had a questioning look on her face. You shook your head as the door to the lecture hall opened. Jake walked in and the hall settled down. His green eyes took in the sight of the students, then zeroed in on you. He could tell something was wrong by your body language, and also gave you a questioning look. Lucy seemed to pick up on it as she nudged you.
“He’s whipped,” She mouthed and let out a giggle as you fake gagged in response. You looked back up at Jake who, for once, had a smile on his face in the lecture hall.
“Alright, as many of you know. . . today is your midterm exam. The TAs are passing out the exams. You have an hour. Take your time, or don’t. . . probably won’t make a difference for some of you,” Jake said, “You may begin once you have the exam,” Jake then looked at you, and whispered, “Good Luck.”
Your brain was fried as you sat in your living room. Lucy had invited Zeke and Derek over for a midterm celebration night as you waited for test results to come back. The rest of your midterms were surprisingly easy, which was probably due to you actually doing well in those classes. You still were at a D+ in Jake’s class, this midterm grade was going to determine if you were going to retake the class next semester. You felt good about it as you walked out of the lecture hall. Lucy probably felt the best about it as she quite literally skipped out of the room.
“Are they up yet?” Zeke asked, walking into the living room. He was the only one who was not an English major, choosing to study astrophysics. He actually worked with Jake’s friend, Professor Bob Floyd. Which you had only found out about because Jake apparently went over to Bob’s lab after the two of you got into a fight in his office.
“Not yet, thanks,” Lucy said, taking the wine glass from Zeke’s hand, “I’m surprised you’re here,” She said to you.
“Why wouldn’t I be? I live here,” You replied.
“Thought you would be at your lover’s house. . . or one of them would be here,” Lucy joked.
“Another one?” Derek quipped and you glared at him. He quickly shut up and went back to refreshing his laptop.
“It’s not like- THEY’RE UP!” You shouted as you saw the notification for the score. Silence fell over the room as the three of you quickly pulled up your exams. Zeke gripped Lucy’s thigh as she searched her grades.
“Fuck yeah! C plus!” Lucy cheered.
“Babe, that’s not great?” Zeke asked, confused.
“It is when you have Professor Seresin as a teacher,” Lucy smiled and kissed her boyfriend, “Y/N?”
You bit your lip and looked over at her, “B minus. . . “
“Hey! Look at that!” Lucy hugged you tightly.
“Atta girl,” Zeke gave you a high five.
You smiled at your laptop, the grade shining brightly as if it were a new trophy. It finally felt like all the hours you had spent studying, and reviewing and going to meet with writing counselors were starting to pay off. You closed your laptop and set it on the coffee table, and picked up your wine glass.
“What about you, Derek?” Zeke asked his friend. The brunette looked up at Zeke, his gaze was hard.
“A fucking D minus,” Derek sneered. You gulped as Derek looked at you, “I got a fucking D minus, thanks to your fucking boyfriend.”
“Hey,” Zeke called out, “She has nothing to do with it.”
“Oh I know you’re not that fucking stupid,” Derek rolled his eyes, “You think she got that fucking B minus on her own! She’s sucking his cock! Of course she’s going to get good grades.”
“That’s not why!” You exclaimed standing up from the couch, “I got a good grade because I worked my ass off-”
“More like 'cause he was buried in your ass.”
“Alright, get the fuck out,” Zeke stood up from the couch and walked over to the chair that Derek was sitting in. Derek mumbled something under his breath, slamming his laptop closed and stuffing it in his bag. You clenched your jaw as Zeke slammed the door shut behind Derek.
“What a fucking tool,” Lucy said, sipping her wine.
“I’m sorry,” You apologized.
“For what?” Lucy asked, “He’s just jealous he’s not getting fucking laid. And who gives a fuck if Jake enhances your grade a little bit. Fuck, I’d do it too if I could.”
“Hey!” Zeke exclaimed.
“I said if I could, baby, I’d never cheat on you,” Lucy said and Zeke smiled, sitting down on the couch and wrapping his arms around her. He gave her a slobbery kiss on the cheek and Lucy fake gagged, “But seriously, don’t sweat him. He’s just jealous.” You nodded as your phone started dinged, the contact name flashing across the screen, “Looks like someone wants to do some celebrating. . .”
You rolled your eyes and picked up your phone. You felt a shiver go through your body, heat pooling between your legs at the sight of the emojis and a question mark. You looked up at Lucy and smirked. She squealed and jumped off the couch, grabbing Zeke’s hand.
“Where are we going?” Zeke asked.
“Out, so she can get dick,” Lucy said, grabbing her sweater and keys, “Have fun! Be safe! There’s condoms in the cookie jar!”
You laughed and shook your head as Lucy pushed Zeke out the door quickly. You texted him back and invited him over. You then took in the sight of your college girl home, and started to panic. It wasn’t that you and Lucy didn’t clean, it was that it wasn’t your top priority all the time. Quickly, you started grabbing the plates and bottles on the coffee table, stuffing them in the trash. Next you grabbed the rolling tray that sat on the mantle next to the bong, and hid them in the cabinets. You somewhat organized the laundry room, putting the dirty laundry in the hamper and making the pile of clean clothes on top of the dryer somewhat nicer. Your room was surprisingly somewhat tidy, you tossed away the red bull cans and McDonalds bags.
Just as you lit a candle, the doorbell rang. Bradley stood on your doorstep with a panty-dropping smile and a bottle of wine. You opened the door wider and let him in. He shrugged his jacket off and looked around the small living room.
“It’s not as fantastic as yours but-”
“It’s a home,” Bradley said, and turned to you, “I like it.” You smiled and took a step towards him, closing the gap. You grabbed his face in your hands and kissed him. His hands went to your hips, pulling you in close. Your tongue licked his bottom lip, and he parted his lips for you to slide your tongue in his mouth. One of his hands trailed down to your ass, giving it a squeeze, followed by a slap.
You moaned and pulled back from him slightly, “How was your day?”
“It was good,” Bradley said, still holding you in his arms, “Better now that I’m here. Did you get your grades back?” You nodded, “Aaaannnndddd. . .”
“We stay afloat until finals,” You smiled and Bradley let out a cheer, twirling you around in a circle. You giggled as he set you back down on the ground.
“My smart, beautiful girl,” He kissed your cheek, “Kicking ass and taking names. That Berkeley program is gonna have to accept you now.”
“Oh hush,” You playfully rolled your eyes, “Now, let’s crack this open.”
You weren’t exactly sure what you were doing with Bradley, but it was fun. You knew that you liked him. He was goofy, and kind, and out of this world handsome. He was also super smart but not in a way that most guys at Boston College were. Bradley didn’t flaunt his achievements and his academic intelligence. He didn’t need to, he could bring a girl to her knees with just one look.
Jake was somewhat privy to the extent of your relationship with Bradley. He hated it, but there was really nothing he could do. So, Jake decided to just roll with it. After talking with Bob, Jake had to realize where he stood in your life. He decided that he was going to be there for you as a friend, as a confidant when you needed it. The two of you still fucked on occasion, but Jake decided to let you come to him, for you to call the shots.
The only person who didn’t know about you and Jake, was Bradley. You weren’t sure if it necessarily counted as cheating since you weren’t in a relationship with either guy, but it still didn’t make you feel great. Bradley opened the bottle of wine and poured you a glass. The two of you then sat on the couch, finding a movie to put on. It felt nice to lay in Bradley’s embrace. He was a bit bigger than Jake was, probably just as strong, but his muscles weren’t as defined. Bradley’s body had softer lines to it, his hugs were just a bit warmer than Jake’s were.
Even though you were currently laying on top of Bradley, his hand gently caressing the back of your head and playing with your hair, you couldn’t help but think what Jake could be doing. It wasn’t that late, and he didn’t go to bed until nearly 10:30 every night, sometimes even later if you were there. You wondered if maybe he had someone else who he invited over. Someone else he cuddled up with at night. You knew it was wrong to think that and feel the jealousy rising in your body. For fucks sake, your whole body was laying on another man. In some fucked up way, it was only fair for Jake to be in the same position with someone else. You shook your head as you sat up a bit on Bradley.
“What’s wrong?” He asked, a hand going to your face to push the hair back.
“Nothing,” You said and leaned down, placing a kiss on his lips, “I just want you. . . really, really, bad.” Your voice was a whisper as it hit his lips. Bradley smirked, his hands coming to rest on your hips. You could feel himself stir in his pants and you subconsciously wiggled your hips against him.
“You sure? We don’t have to do anything. I’m okay with just cuddling,” Bradley smiled. God, why did he have to do this. Why did he have to be so perfect while you were so fucked up. The two of you were yet to have sex, you got close several times. Intense makeout sessions on the couch, hands gripping and grabbing anything they could, lips clashing together. But you had never gone that full step. You guessed it was out of respect for Jake.
“Please, fuck me, Bradley,” You whined, leaning your head against his chest, nuzzling into his neck. Bradley moaned as you kissed the faint scar on his neck. Bradley’s arms wrapped around you tightly, as he stood up from the couch.
“Come on, I wanna fuck you right,” He said and walked down the hall towards your room.
Jake felt guilty as he pulled his sweatpants up his legs. He looked over his shoulder seeing Natasha fasten her bra back on her body. The tension in the air was now mixed with the sweet smell of sex. Natasha was in town for some tech conference, and hit up Jake as soon as her plane landed. She usually stayed with him, his house being the biggest and having a guest room. Bradley lived in a loft with a dog, and Bob was married.
“The room down the hall?” Nastsha asked.
“Yeah, towels in the hall closet, should have some though,” Jake slipped a sweatshirt over his head, and then began to strip the bed sheets.
“Whoa, slow down,” Natasha laughed as Jake looked up at her with wide eyes, “Are you okay? Look, I hate to be that person, but you seem. . . off.”
“Are you saying you aren’t satisfied?”
“I am, it’s just-”
“You’re satisfied, I’m satisfied. I want clean sheets on my bed,” Jake said, and bundled up the sheets in his arms. Natasha blinked as he walked out of the room and down to the laundry room.
“Does this have to do with that girl that Bob told me about?” Natasha asked, hot on Jake’s heels.
Jake slammed the washer door shut and sighed. He hated that you had this much of an effect on him. He knew that Rooster was over at your place, he had sent a snap of a bottle of wine that he had bought to celebrate the end of your midterms. You also hadn’t texted Jake back in nearly three hours, so that also told him that you were busy with Rooster.
“So it does have to do with her. . .”
“It’s not like that,” Jake turned and crossed his arms over his chest, “We aren’t dating. Just fucking. . . but she seems to be dating Rooster at the same time? I-I don’t know.”
Natasha looked at her friend, and for what seemed like the first time ever, he seemed lost. Jake Seresin was always sure of himself. He was sure that he was going to study English, that he was going to marry Allison, and that he was going to buy himself a 1960 mustang gt. But right now, Jake wasn’t sure what he was doing with his life other than that he was teaching English and totally head over heels for his student.
“You love her?”
“Yes,” Jake answered quickly, “I fell in love the first day she walked into my class. It’s just. . . she’s young, and hasn’t explored the world. She needs someone like Bradley who can leave at a moment's notice and jet off to Italy or Greece or wherever the hell she wants to go. I can’t do that. I can’t give her the things she needs.” Jake sighed and shrugged his shoulders, “It’s better this way.”
“For who, Jake? You or her?”
Jake didn’t answer as he left the laundry room and walked back towards his room. Natasha closed her eyes as she heard the door shut, and then went down to her own guest room. She was staying with Jake for the week, while attending the conference on Boston’s campus.
Jake laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, very aware of the ticking hours going by. He wondered if you had trouble sleeping when you weren’t here like he did. His bed had started to feel too big and lonely without your body laying next to him. He sighed, and reached for his phone, going to his photo library. His green eyes strained as he looked through the pictures, most of them being ones he saved from his sisters of his nieces and nephews. But the one he was looking for was one of you curled up on the couch in his office. You had a migraine that day and asked if you could go take a nap between your classes in his office. Jake was slightly taken aback when he walked in and saw you curled up on one of the seats of the couch, buried under the large sweatshirt (that was his) and baggy sweatpants (that were also his), but he couldn’t help but snap a picture. He smiled to himself, then locked his phone and laid back down.
“Are you even listening to me?”
The answer was no, Jake was not listening to a single thing you had said since you walked into his office. He was distracted by the open buttons of your blouse and the short plaid skirt you were wearing. The knee socks that fell loosely on your legs weren’t helping either. Jake looked up from your legs to your face and smiled sheepishly.
“No, repeat that please,” Jake said, and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his desk.
“I said,” You started, exaggerating your words, “I think you should hold a writing workshop for the first years, as some of them seem to be struggling with the first drafts of the assignment. Hell, it might even be beneficial for the fourth years too.”
“And why would I do that?”
“Because you’re a nice guy who doesn’t like to see his students suffer,” You batted your eyelashes and Jake let out a laugh, “Okay, fine, because it would really boost your rating on rate my teacher.”
“Rate my teacher?”
“Yeah, you didn’t know that was a thing?” Jake shook his head and you pulled out your phone, finding the app. You handed it to Jake, the page that was up was his profile, “Students can rate their teachers, professors and TAs. It’s actually quite helpful with-”
“A two star rating!?” Jake exclaimed, “The hell does that mean?”
“That means you’re a dick,” You said and Jake glared at you, “If it makes you feel better, I rate your dick a good 5 out of 5 stars.”
“Flattering,” Jake rolled his eyes, “What’s Bob rating?” You bit your lip as Jake looked up his friends rating, “FIVE FUCKING STARS?!”
“He’s a really nice guy.”
“He’s a nerd. He’s literally like the leader of the nerd clan.”
“In yet, he has a wife and you don’t.”
Jake snapped his head up, and if looks could kill. You looked down at your shoes, listening as Jake put your phone on his desk, and stood up from his chair. You felt like prey facing the predator as Jake slowly walked towards you. You looked up, taking in the sight of the blue suit he decided to wear today. You determined that blue was definitely his color. With one finger under your jaw, he lifted your head up to look at him.
“What was that?” He asked you slowly. You gulped, “Don’t be shy on me now, little one. What did you say to me?”
“I said Bob was nice and that’s why he had a wife and you. . .uh, don’t.”
“You hurt me, baby,” Jake wasn’t hurt at all, the bulge in his pants said otherwise, “Hands on the desk, spread your legs,”
You nodded, and walked over to his desk, doing what he said. Jake stayed behind you, looking your body over before he walked over to you. You sucked in a breath as you felt his hand glide up your legs, and felt the heat pool straight to your core. Jake was expecting to be met with the thin barrier of clothing between your legs, but was shocked to find that you were totally bare.
“Where are your panties?”
“Took them off,” You looked over your shoulder.
“When?”
“Before class.”
“So you sat next to that stupid frat boy that’s been eye fucking you since day one, without underwear on, dripping wet?” You nodded and Jake chuckled, “You are really in for it now. How many do you think, sweetheart? Twenty?”
“Twenty-five.”
“And the little one wants to be brave today,” Jake said, “What’s your safeword?”
“Swordfish,” You said.
“Color?”
“Green.”
“Perfect,” Jake said, and flipped the back of your skirt up, exposing your ass to him. He groaned as he grabbed the supple flesh. You shivered as he placed a kiss on your cheek, before striking the skin.
“Fuck! One,”
“Shut up,” Jake struck you again, “Can’t have the whole floor knowing you’re a slut. . . actually, you might like that.” Another slap was delivered to your skin.
“Three!”
By the time Jake had gotten to number 15, you had tears running down your face. His spanks had gotten lighter, seeing the skin of your ass starting to break open. You had also been edged the whole time, your cunt was dripping down your legs as your clit was begging to be touched.
“Twenty-five!” You screamed as Jake spanked you for the last time.
“My good girl,” Jake praised, and placed another kiss on your skin. You sobbed out in pain, “What’s wrong?”
“Touch me,” You cried, “Please, please, touch me.”
“Where? Tell daddy where to touch you?”
“My cunt, please. I need you to touch my cunt. Fuck me, finger me, just do something,” Your mind was now focused on the way your pussy was aching for Jake. Jake ran a finger between your soaked folds, teasing your opening with his finger. You moaned, dropping your head forward onto the desk, and pushed your hips back towards him.
“Desperate fucking slut,” Jake smirked, and pulled his cock out of his pants. He rubbed the head through your folds before pushing into your opening. The moan you let out was sinful at finally being penetrated. You jumped at the feeling of Jake’s hips being flushed with your bruised ass. He waited a moment, before grabbing one of your arms and pinned it behind you, and started fucking you.
“Oh god,” You whimpered. You squeezed the hand behind your back into a fist, signaling for Jake to grab it. He grunted and intertwined your fingers, but still had your arm pinned. The sounds of flesh slapping filled the room.
“Shit, I’m not gonna last,” Jake said, and you looked over your shoulder.
“Cum in me,” You said. Jake nodded and closed his eyes tight as he felt his orgasm build in his stomach. The rubber band snapped and Jake was spilling into you. The feeling of his cum painting your walls was enough to make you spill over into your own orgasm. Your breaths were both ragged as Jake still his hips. He wiped his brow and looked around for what he could use to clean up his cum.
“You’re gonna have cum dripping down your leg,” Jake said, “I’m going soft.”
“I guess I’ll run to the bathroom.”
“Okay, yeah, I’m slipping out.” You scrunch your nose as Jake pulls out of you. You hardly waited for him to say anything as you fixed your skirt and ran for the door. To your luck, there was a bathroom right outside the door.
“Oh!” You exclaimed as you hit a body as you opened the door, “Fuck, Derek.”
“You just fucked him, didn’t you?” Derek asked. You didn’t say anything as you moved around him, quickly running to the bathroom and praying there was no cum falling down your legs.
You locked the door behind you, and frantically grabbed paper towels to clean up the mess between your legs. When you finished cleaning yourself up, you washed your hands and went back to Jake’s office. He was sitting back behind is desk as if he didn’t fuck have you bent over it. He gave you a look as you walked back to your desk.
“That phone of yours has been going off nonstop,” Jake said. You rolled your eyes, he hated your phone. You were expecting to see a message from Bradley, but what you had on your screen made your heart stop. You let out a gasp that caught Jake’s attention, “What?” All you could was look at him as tears filled your eyes. Jake felt his heart pounding as he got up from his desk and quickly moved to you. He grabbed the phone from you, and looked at the message.
‘If you didn’t believe me, here’s proof. Don’t mess with me.”
“Y/N, I-“ Jake didn’t even know what to say. He wasn’t sure what was worse, the pictures of you leaving his house, the pictures of Bradley leaving your house, or the video that clearly was taken outside of his office. Either way, Jake was disgusted. He put his hand on your shoulder, but you brushed it off, spinning in your chair and throwing up in the trash can from under your desk.
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We Found Love Right Where We Are
The 5 times the BAU team had their suspicions and the 1 time you confirmed them.
Pairing: Alex Blake x Fem! Reader
Warnings: slight alcohol consumption, mentions of sex
Genre: Fluffy One-Shot
Word Count: 3500+
A/N: Written for @nightmarish-fae ❤️ my best simping bud that always fuels my obsession with CM ladies. I will also forever stand by the soft Alex Blake headcanon.
It wasn’t love at first sight. Both you and Alex took your time to acknowledge the feelings you’ve developed for one another, and it took you even longer to admit them.
When she first joined the team, you thought nothing of it, after all why would you. And it wasn’t until months later that you finally admitted to yourself that you had a hopeless crush on the linguist. It was the way she spoke that gave you butterflies, the way she walked with such grace you’ve never seen before, every little detail about her started to seem absolutely perfect. But you didn’t say anything, you didn’t want to risk being rejected but most importantly, ruin the friendship the two of you have formed over the months.
And neither did she. It wasn’t until after one of the frequent movie nights at Alex’s place, when both of you had one too many glasses of wine to keep your mouths shut and you’ve finally admitted how you truly felt.
And it was perfect ever since, the two of you worked together in such harmony, understood one another like nobody else. At the very beginning you and Alex decided not to tell the team, you didn’t want to make it awkward for anyone in case you didn’t work out in the end. And above all, you didn’t want to hear Morgan’s snarky remarks at every point of your workdays. You were happy to keep it as a little secret, you knew how much Alex has valued her privacy as well as separating her personal life from her work life. You just happened to be a part of both.
5. Can’t keep my eyes off of you
You were sat at your desk, desperately trying to get any work done. It was one of the paperwork days for the BAU and as glad as you were that there were no psychopaths running around and murdering people, you couldn’t help but hope for some excitement to be added to your otherwise boring workday.
Your phone buzzed on the desk, driving your attention away from the file you’ve been working on. You saw Alex’s name across your lock screen and couldn’t help the smile that creeped on your face.
Alex: Darling, if you don’t stop looking at me like that every 5 minutes the team will start getting suspicious.
You must admit, it had become increasingly harder and harder to keep your eyes off of the gorgeous linguist, especially when her desk was right across from yours. Alex was completely aware of that, sometimes purposefully leaving extra buttons of her shirt undone, knowing exactly how crazy it drove you during work.
You started typing your message to reply to the older woman when you saw Morgan heading towards your desk.
“What was that about?” the man questioned with a curious smile, slightly raising his eyebrows.
“Huh? What was what about?” you said raising your eyebrows as well. Being surrounded by a team of exceptionally talented profilers had its downsides, being in situations like this must be on the top of the list.
“Oh, come on y/n!” Derek exclaimed “I saw that smile when you looked at your phone, is there anything you’re not telling us about?! Or more like anyone?”
“What no!” you said and nervously chuckled, the way in which Morgan looked at you made all your hopes of seamlessly getting out of this situation disappear, but you didn’t want to give in just yet, not without talking to Alex first. “It was just a cute cat picture my friend sent to me” you said as you stood up from your desk grabbing your mug and started walking towards the coffee machine.
“Mhm, friend…” he added with a chuckle and a shake of his head as you left the bullpen.
4. Clothes
“You look better in my clothes than I do” Alex whispered to you as the two of you exited the elevator and started heading to the bullpen.
“You better hope nobody notices, or it’ll be over for us” you whispered back, slight smirk on your face. You were, in fact, wearing an outfit that majorly consisted of Alex’s clothes, the only item that belonged to you were the shoes, which you have also worn on the previous day. The two of you have gone out on a little date the night before, which didn’t happen frequently considering the unpredictable nature of your jobs. The date has, unsurprisingly, ended in Alex’s apartment where you’ve stayed the night.
“Morning Everyone!” you hear Penelope’s high pitched voice roam through the bullpen as you enter.” Don’t get all too comfortable, we have a case!”
As everyone headed into the conference room Penelope stopped you before you managed to take a single step, with a big smile on her face.
“I know that shirt from somewhere” the eccentric blonde said, giving you that look of ‘I know what you’re up to’.
“What do you mean?” you replied, trying to keep the expression on your face unchanged, slightly confused as if you had indeed no idea what she was talking about. You put in your best efforts trying to mask the inner panic this interaction has caused.
“I’ve seen Blake wearing it last week, and I know it was this exact shirt because it took me by surprise, it’s not something she would usually wear!” Penelope said, looking straight into your eyes, waiting for you to give in.
“Oh, we might have the same shirts then” you said, trying to mask the anxiety that almost caused you to shake “I guess it’s not as original as I thought it was when I bought it” you finished the sentence with a gentle smile, really hoping Penelope bought the horrible lie you came up with.
The two of you then headed to the conference room together and all you could hope was that Penelope could get the hint and not tell every other agent about the interaction you’ve just had.
3. Date
You didn’t get the chance to go out together often, either because you were away on cases, loaded with paperwork or so exhausted from the workload that all you wanted was to stay in your house. This week was different. There weren’t any cases that would cause you to leave the city and each team member was fully caught up on the paperwork. This was a perfect time for you and Alex to finally spend some quality time together. You knew Penelope planned a girls’ night for the evening, but both of you made up some excuses as to why you couldn’t come.
You told Alex you would pick her up at 5pm. You didn’t plan anything too fancy; you were completely aware this was not Alex’s scene and even less yours. Instead, you decided to take your girlfriend to one of the biggest bookstores in the area. After all she was a linguist with borderline unhealthy obsession about books. But you didn’t mind it at all. You loved how consumed by reading she got every evening; with how much passion she spoke about her favourite authors and how much she knew about every single one. This woman was truly amazing, and you adored every single aspect that made her, her.
***
“So where are we going?” Alex questioned with a soft smile as she got into your car.
“My word still stands, you’ll find out when we get there” you answered with a smile and pressed a gentle kiss to her cheek, trying to transfer as little of your lip gloss onto her skin as possible.
The drive was peaceful filled with silence between you two, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. Alex was in charge of the music so the whole way there you listened to Beethoven’s symphony no. 5. Her taste in music, although being the complete opposite of yours, was one of the things you adored about the woman.
When you got to the parking lot right across the bookstore you saw the way Alex’s eyes lit up. And this was all you could ever ask for.
“Come on, you can tell me all about your favourite books and authors and I’m paying for all the books you want!” you said with a huge smile that matched the one spread across Alex’s face “And after we go through the whole 3 floors, I’m taking you out for dinner.”
“You’re too sweet to me y/n/n” the brunette said softly, after which she proceeded to leave a gentle yet passionate kiss on your lips “I’m so excited for this!”
***
As you expected the bookstore was a huge hit. You and Alex spent a little over 3 hours wandering between the bookshelves, stopping at every single one to see what it had to offer. Alex told you a little about every book she picked up, about its origin, the author and how much of a historical impact it had. And you enjoyed every last second of it. There was something so special about seeing her fully in her element, something that made you truly happy.
You left the bookstore with a few books to add to Alex’s ever-growing collection. When you got to the restaurant you picked out, the conversation about books and linguistics continued. That was until you noticed JJ and Penelope heading into the same restaurant you and Alex were sitting in. And it was too late, before you could make up any sort of an escape plan the two women noticed you and your girlfriend. The good thing was that you managed to let go of each other’s hands before either of them noticed.
“Oh my God! y/n! Alex! What are you two doing here!” JJ exclaimed. You could tell from the way she was speaking that she was as least tipsy, borderline drunk. You could only hope that Penelope matched her level.
“You said you were busy and couldn’t make it tonight!” Penelope said with a pout “What the hell is this then!”
“Oh, it’s nothing, me and y/n bumped into each other after we’ve finished running the errands and decided to grab some dinner together” Alex answered. You really hoped the two agents were too drunk to properly put the two and two together.
“Ah, I see! Well, it’s not too late to join the girls’ night now ladies!” Penelope exclaimed “Come on we're going to the club!”
This one was too close.
2. Hickey
“It’s nothing, I burned myself with a curling iron a few days ago” Alex said with a sigh, trying to convince Morgan, silently hoping he wouldn’t make a big deal out of this. Unfortunately for the two of you he didn’t buy the crappy excuse Alex came up with.
“I don’t know Blake, it looks like a hickey to me” you overheard Morgan say with a grin plastered across his face.
The night before was eventful to say the least. You and Alex decided to stay at her apartment, cook dinner together and watch your favourite TV show. It goes without saying that the latter part did not go to plan, which neither of you complained about. You didn’t have time to yourselves for the past three weeks, as there was a case after another during which you were paired in a room with JJ and Alex with Reid. At the time neither of you wanted to risk anybody suspecting something, or even worse, finding out about your relationship. After one too many glasses of wine you could not keep your hands to yourself, ending the evening in Alex’s bedroom. The longing for her touch had become too much at that point. When you woke up in the morning you could see the results of the previous night’s activities on Alex’s neck.
“Looks like our Dr Blake is getting some guys!” Morgan exclaimed grabbing the attention of the team. Garcia and JJ, of course, joined him at the linguist’s desk. You decided to join the group to not seem any more suspicious than you already were, Spencer joined shortly after you. At this points the only team members not gathered around the desk were Rossi and Hotch, both of which were in their offices. You didn’t doubt they too would join the interrogation if they were made aware of it.
“I need to know everything now!” Garcia said staring right into the older woman’s’ soul.
“There is nothing to know Penelope, as I said I burned myself with a curling iron” Alex tried to convince the agents again.
“You know statistically speaking people who have sex on a regular basis are happier than people who don’t. This is due to the release of the hormone oxytocin during orgasms.” Spencer added causing Alex to roll her eyes.
“Come on everyone” you all turned your heads to Hotch, who was standing right outside his office “We have a case.”
Both you and Alex released a sigh of a relief, thanking any higher power for the perfect timing of Hotch’s announcement.
1. Slip up
During the lunch break you, Alex and Spencer decided to head out to a new café that was opened just a little over a week prior. It was conveniently located right outside your workplace.
As each of you ordered your meals, you enjoyed listening to the two of them discussing linguistic concepts you had absolutely no idea about. Over the months you’ve learned a few things from Alex, but you were far from the point where you would be able to join in on their conversation with any of your own input.
The two of them were now discussing human capability of producing sounds, which just happened to be the topic of the conversation you’ve had with the linguist the day before. You’ve always been interested in language, it just so happened that your life led you in the completely opposite direction resulting in you having a wider scientific knowledge rather than anything to do with your lover’s field. Nevertheless, the desire to contribute to the conversation between Alex and Spencer was greater than the embarrassment caused by your limited knowledge on the subject, so you decided to join in.
“And by meaningful sounds you mean, taking English as an example, the letters P and B produce sounds that allow us to form different words, like pat and bat or pet and bet, right?” you said as you looked up at the pair of agents sitting across from you.
“Yes, I would think so” Spencer said, with a confused but impressed look on his face “How did you know that y/n?”
“Well, just like last night Alex said…” you stopped yourself before you could finish the sentence, realising the huge slip up that fell from your lips. Alex looked back at you with eyes wide open.
“Last night?” the boy genius questioned with a raised eyebrow “What were you two doing together last night?”
“y/n stopped at mine last night to pick up some books I’ve talked about before, she said she would like to give them a go” Alex quickly answered Spencer’s question, causing you to silently sigh in relief.
0. Karaoke Night
Late night conversations with Alex weren’t uncommon, the job took its toll on both of you causing occasional insomnia. Other than that, you wanted to spend as much time with your girlfriend as possible, even if it meant sacrificing your sleep for it. You would lie if you said you didn’t enjoy the chats the two of you had, talking about the meaning of life, where your life was heading or the existence itself. You loved hearing Alex elaborate on all of the above, carefully listening to all her thoughts, everything and anything she had to say.
This night was no different, you were snuggled together in your bed, your head resting on the older woman’s chest and her hand making small circles on your back.
“I think I’m ready to tell the team” Alex whispered and placed a gentle kiss on your head. “I want them all to know how happy you make me.”
You raised your head to look her in the eyes “Are you sure honey?” you whispered back.
“Yes, I want everyone to know that you’re my girlfriend, I want to finally be able to hold your hand on our way to the office and show up in one car without being scared someone will suspect something” she said sternly, yet gently and smiled at you.
You pressed a soft kiss on her lips, but you couldn’t help the smile that creeped onto your face as you did so. “I’d like that too”.
***
Penelope’s ‘Team Bonding Policy’ included an obligatory monthly night out for the whole of the BAU. This month’s activity took place at the bar frequented by all of you, everyone was enthusiastic about this as it wasn’t too far out of anyone’s comfort zone. What Penelope forgot to mention was that this was a Karaoke Night.
This didn’t stop the team from having fun, Morgan flirting with all the girls by the bar, Penelope and JJ dancing together like there was no tomorrow. Rossi and Hotch were sat together discussing the Italian man’s all previous marriages. Even Spencer found himself someone to impress with his magic tricks. You and Alex were still sat at the table talking about everything and anything. At that point of the evening everyone had had a few drinks, you included. You were by no means drunk, tipsy at most. That’s when you decided that this will be the night the team officially finds out about your relationship.
You leaned closer to your girlfriend, cupping her face in your hands when you pressed a passionate kiss to her lips. Alex sighed in surprise. “I’m going to sing the cheesiest love song for you” you said and quickly ran away from the woman before she could react in any way, leaving her speechless.
A few minutes later you appeared on the stage, holding the microphone. It would be an understatement to say that the agents were surprised to see you there.
The music of ‘Thinking out Loud’ by Ed Sheeran began to play and you started to sing, looking right into the eyes of the love of your life.
When your legs don't work like they used to before
And I can't sweep you off of your feet
Will your mouth still remember the taste of my love
Will your eyes still smile from your cheeks
And darling I will be loving you 'til we're 70
And baby my heart could still fall as hard at 23
And I'm thinking 'bout how people fall in love in mysterious ways
Maybe just the touch of a hand
Oh me I fall in love with you every single day
And I just wanna tell you I am
A soft smile spread across Alex’s face as she looked at you from where the two of you were sitting before. You kept the eye contact as you sang every word, hitting every note of the song perfectly.
So honey now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
Maybe we found love right where we are
When my hair's all but gone and my memory fades
And the crowds don't remember my name
When my hands don't play the strings the same way, mm
I know you will still love me the same
'Cause honey your soul can never grow old, it's evergreen
Baby your smile's forever in my mind and memory
This was the point where all the agents noticed the non-stopping eye contact you and Alex have shared, the soft smiles you sent her between lines of the song. You didn’t care about the confused looks each and every one of them have sent you, Alex was all that mattered in that moment. The brunette slowly stood up from the table and started heading towards the stage, where you continued singing for her.
But baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are, oh
So baby now
Take me into your loving arms
Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars
Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart
I'm thinking out loud
That maybe we found love right where we are
What came as an even bigger surprise to everyone was the moment Alex joined you on the stage. Although she didn’t sing with you, you were perfectly content with the turn of events. You wrapped your arm around her waist and pulled and older woman closer to you.
Oh baby, we found love right where we are
And we found love right where we are
She didn’t hesitate to kiss you in front of everyone and you immediately reciprocated the gesture. The team started cheering from where they were sat, and you heard Penelope and Morgan yell “I knew it” at the exact same time making both of you giggle into the kiss.
#criminal minds#alex blake#alex blake x reader#fluff#reader insert#bau team#y/n fics#one shot#criminal minds fanfiction#criminal minds fic#criminal minds fluff
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"So this is how you want this to be?" Luca Kaneshiro X Fem! Reader.
Sypnosis: You both were quarreling whether Milk should go first rather than the Cereal or it goes the other way around. Eventually things got heated and you have mentioned something that pissed him off real bad.
Warning: Argument, Heated Making Out Session, Jealousy, Partialism, (With hands!) Basically just a wild fic.
Notes: I made this because I was so bored! Bro istg. Never make me bored. Also this is based off by a specific skit he made. I took that personality of his on that video and implied it on this.
Music: Lost Soul By NBSPLV. (God I fucking love this song.)
Luca and you were playing together, no streams whatsoever. Just the both of you. And it's actually Minecraft, the game you are both playing. You couldn't help but crack up when Luca got killed by a literal creeper.
"Hey! That's unfair. How am I dead and you're still nonetheless alive." Luca exclaimed and faked his cry. Resulting you into laughing. Luca couldn't help but actually melt in your sweet little eye smile whenever you laugh. And he never wants to take away the glow on your eyes whenever you do chortle at his 'Himboness'.
"Well I guess this game just adores me more than you do." You winked at him, showing your cocky side. He chuckled and just scoffed it off, feeling defeated by the cuteness when you puffed your cheeks.
"No one can love you more than I do! Hmph." He said whilst putting down his remote. Pausing to look at you genuinely. While also having his arms crossed, emphasizing his big packable muscles. And damn, it was hard not to look.
"Anyways-" You sat down your controller too, pausing the game. "I seriously think Cereal goes first before Milk." Luca gasped and widened his eyes with betrayal. He let out the most dramatic gasp anyone could ever manage to do.
"No way. The cereal is going to be soggy because of the fact that it's been there longer! I don't want any soggy cereal at the morning!" He said with annoyance, clearly getting cringed by the thought of a soggy cereal.
You guys both went on it for an absolute 30 minutes of bickering. The topic went from Cereal and Milk to how you act whenever you meet a certain confidante of yours. It got heated when you started bringing up things that are far from the actual subject. And his irritation turned into bitterness. So did yours.
"Well if you're getting upset just because I was having more enjoyment with doing what I actually value, then just retain it to yourself! You're being really possesive and I'm peeved by it! And if I was with him rather, I could've been getting a kick out of myself clubbing right now." You yelled back at him. Glimpsing up at him, and you just wish you hadn't say that. His eyes got darker. Filled with blaze, and his usual smiley resting face was long gone. You felt chills down to your spine. Particularly because of the fact that it was the first time you've got to see him delivering you this expression on his face.
"Oh? So this is how you want this to be? Enjoying yourself out? Going out with friends? And get laid by another man? When I could just do it myself." Luca raised his eyebrows and began stepping towards you. "I simply don't comprehend why you would wish for another man. Am I not enough? Huh?" Luca said whilst walking to you. Eventually pinning you by the wall, ultimately placing his forearms on the wall above you. And skimmed down at you with his piercing glare. Eyes half lidded and lips slightly parted. God, he looked too enchanting.
"I just-" You tried speaking but eventually got cut off when Luca grabbed your chin gently. Propelling you to look up at him again. You tried yanking away but he was too substantial.
"Baby, did you forget that I'm an Evil and Mean Mafia Boss? As they say, they're frightened of me. I can literally wrap my hands around that guy's life and curse it with no difficulty at all. You don't know the things I could do. And you drive me fucking insane, Love." He said while inclining closer to your face and chuckled at it. Obviously stating that you're just a Pathethic Tiny Bunny, and he was the Big Bad Wolf. Damn, it was too overwhelming to you.
"Even if you are an Evil and Mean Mafia Boss as you say, but could you fuck me better than Vox?" You don't know what came throughout your veins. But this made Luca more infuriated by the assertion you've made. And the hand that was placed onto your chin suddenly snaked through your waist. Tugging you harshly, not caring anymore if he's impairing you. It's all so fucking desirable, he's seductive, the whole situation is alluring. Have you mention that his hands is pretty tempting?
"Why don't we find out, Darling?" Luca smirked and his mouth was on your neck, teasing you with those kitty licks that you once always give him when you're sucking off his shaft. You were too distracted, you got pulled into a kiss with his veiny hands on your neck. Pressing on a specific pressure point. And it got you all hot and bothered.
It was all so good. It's too ethereal. Like everything is so-
You have been woken up, by Luca.
"Hey, Babe? Did something happen? You're-" He looked at your face and it was flushed red. You were breathing really deep too. "Oh." Luca realized it now and he had gone up to get some water for you. He came back and still a flushed face. And raised a question if you were okay, or something is troubling you.
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Tier Spotlight: Artificer - $5/month
(7 day free trial available!)
What's included: Access to drafts of many of my current WiP longer stories are available in this tier, including the next five chapters of Hiraeth (Merlin) before they go up on AO3.
There are also drafts of several other in-progress Merthur WiPs that haven't been posted elsewhere yet, as well as Sherlock and the Hobbit.
Additionally, you get to vote in polls to help me choose what to focus on writing in a particular month!
Note: All the first chapters of these drafts are available to read for non-patrons as well.
🌟See below the "keep reading" for WiP info and summaries!🌟
Merlin
King & Court (22 draft chapters available)
Summary: Loneliness is an insidious thing. When Merlin looks at Arthur, he sees not just a prince waiting for his time to rule, but a young man struggling to find his place in the world, with little help from anyone else.
The truth is, Arthur needs more than the friendship Merlin can offer. He needs people he can trust: men and women who will become his court and his confidants, and if he is going to survive to take the throne and lead Camelot into its golden age, he needs them sooner rather than later.
Finding loopholes in Uther’s laws is no easy feat. Court life is a dangerous game, but it’s one Merlin has every intention of winning so that Arthur can have knights of his choosing by his side.
And then there is the matter of his magic…
------
Love Is Never Lost (12 draft chapters available
Summary: Uther Pendragon has never approved of Arthur’s friendship with Merlin. There had been disappointed sighs and whispered warnings, but Arthur had never thought it would come to this: scars on Merlin’s back and a manservant made hollow and thin by cruelty.
Yet Uther’s efforts to drive a wedge between them instead bring Merlin’s greatest secret to light, and once the wound of secrecy has been purged, their healing brings them closer together than ever before.
Much to Uther Pendragon’s horror.
When Merlin disappears, Arthur is left questioning the true honour of the crown and the value of a kingdom forever stained by his father’s tyranny. Will he answer the call of duty, or will he sacrifice everything to chase the cries of his heart?
------
Sigh No More (5 draft chapters available)
Summary: Prince Arthur Pendragon, Captain of the Llamrei, would far rather spend his days patrolling Camelot's Waters than assume his place on the throne. Yet when he finds the wreckage of a vast ship and one lone survivor on board, nothing can prepare him for the path his life will lead.
Nor the demands his heart will make.
(Feral world-building Camelot with sailing ships AU)
The Hobbit
Quarantine (11 draft chapters available)
Erebor is saved from the dragon and beginning to rebuild, but Thorin, newly healed from the injuries of the battle, suddenly takes ill.
The sickness is a dwarf's worst fear: highly contagious and always fatal. Thorin locks himself away to die a slow death, alone. Of he would, if not for the persistence of a certain hobbit.
Bilbo breaks into the royal chambers, effectively locking himself away with Thorin.
Except as the disease progresses, he begins to think it looks rather familiar. In fact, it's a common childhood illness, one hobbits have been able to cure for years.
------
Where The Heart Is (11 draft chapters available)
'There was an attack. Raiders. There was no warning of their coming.' Gandalf sighed: the broken sound of someone who has failed in their duty of care. 'They took everything they could carry, and burned everything they could not. Many of the fallen were impossible to recognise.'
Gandalf leant on his staff, and the wizard looked more tired than Thorin had ever seen him. He swallowed, and Thorin wanted to put his hands over his ears, because he knew, sick and certain, why there had been no more letters from Bag End.
'Bilbo is not among those who live.'
(Bilbo's presumed dead, but has actually been taken by raiders. Thorin must rebuild his kingdom with a broken heart, while Bilbo fights his way across the wild north, broken and bleeding, to make his way back to the mountain that has become his home. With bonus hobbits re-homing in Erebor.)
Sherlock
Guard of Diocletian (14 drafts chapters available)
'What's his Shift?' John asked, frowning to himself. Sherlock had not mentioned anything about another form. That in itself was not unusual. A lot of people were rather private about their alternative shapes. It was frowned upon to ask someone outright what creature they were when changed, but Mike was like him, baseline, and if he was going to live with this man then he needed to know what he could wake up to find one morning. Shedding on the furniture was one thing, but he had no real desire to find a strange, threatening animal in the living room one day.
'He isn’t one, is he?' Mike's eyebrows were up, his honest face truly puzzled. 'I've never seen him change, and he's been coming here for years. I mean, I suppose he could be, but...' Mike trailed off with a shrug. 'I think he's like us.'
John pursed his lips, tapping his cane on the floor as he shook his head. 'No, Mike, he is nothing like us.'
L'Appel Du Vide (Six Draft Chapters Available)
Hunters were a rarity. In fact, there was really only one family that knew what they were doing and became a name to fear, but the last Van Helsing had died in 1886. Well, the last male Van Helsing, anyway. Still, that did not mean their unique genetic gifts had not been passed down the female line, holding steady and sure even as the name faded into memory.
'If I confirm your suspicion, what will you do?'
'You don't need to confirm it. I saw!'
'And yet you did nothing to stop me.'
Sherlock is a vampire, John is a Van Helsing. What could possibly go wrong?
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Fearless - Chapter 8
Masterlist
Thank you to @darkthingshappen for the beta and everyone who's supported me in writing this!
Let me know if you were never added to the taglist! I haven't updated this story since May so things have fallen through the cracks.
CW: nonhuman whumper, nonhuman whumpee, dhampir whumpee, multiple whumpees, intimate whumper, major character death (whumper), human whumpee, minor character death (unnamed soldiers), racism, murder
===
“Kaloyan,” Nikolay started, gathering his courage. It was harder these days, with the Dragon King treating him as lesser. “I know you told me who your father was, but,” Nikolay sighed, “but I don’t know much else about your life… before you met me.”
The truth was that it wasn’t curiosity driving Nikolay. Ever since the first war room meeting, Kaloyan had had something on his mind. Nikolay wasn’t the best listener and he knew it. He just wasn’t good with people. However, Kaloyan needed someone. That much Nikolay could tell. If he could tell, it was a dire situation.
Kaloyan looked at Nikolay, a little startled. It was always strange seeing a dhampir startled by him. Even if Kaloyan and him were bonded for life, Nikolay knew that Kaloyan was far more powerful than him, even if he held something of a key.
Ultimate Eastern-bound mage.
“Well, I,” Kaloyan hesitated. That sensitive dhampir who was Nikolay’s closest friend was hesitating, caught off guard by Nikolay’s questions. “I was raised by a servant. My mother’s pregnancy was a secret - my father and her were both cheaters. My father’s wife was infertile. That’s the reason I inherited my father’s position, despite being a bastard.”
Kaloyan took another breath, trying to calm himself. “That servant raised me in a way that my father never approved of. She taught me kindness and the value of peace. She was a former prisoner of war herself. I don’t know why my father chose her, but he killed her in front of me.
“He told me I was soft, I was weak, I was useless to him. Once she was dead, everyone, all my servant friends, turned their backs on me, afraid the same would happen to them.”
Tears formed in Kaloyan’s eyes and he bit his lip a little.
“You’re the only person who hasn’t abandoned me, Nikolay. Everyone in my life abandoned me and I ran away. Even my runaway friends left me. I know eventually, this will all come to a close and you’ll leave me, too.”
Soon, Kaloyan was sobbing. Nikolay didn’t know whether to comfort the dhampir or listen more. He thought maybe listen more, but Kaloyan kept his silence.
“Kaloyan,” Nikolay took a deep breath, finding conviction in his chest. “My village had a complicated relationship with me. They gave me the bare necessities because I’m the product of a foreign woman and a dead soldier.”
Kaloyan looked up in surprise at Nikolay, but stayed silent, allowing Nikolay to continue.
“I… I don’t look like the people in my village. I don’t look like the people where my mother is from. She had me and ran off. My father died when I was six. I loved him, but after that, my life was hell. Meeting you, Kaloyan, was the best thing that ever happened to me. Meeting you gave me a break from all that. You didn’t care what I looked like. You never treated me as less.”
Nikolay desperately tried to organize his thoughts.
“I will never abandon you, Kaloyan, if you promise the same.”
Kaloyan took Nikolay’s hand, squeezing it a little.
“Never.”
—
Nobody stood in Nikolay’s path. Rather, nobody could. Every single creature that tried to stop him fell to the ground with frozen blood. Nikolay couldn’t find it in himself to care for their lives. They were scum, stopping him from reaching the only creature that had ever truly cared for him.
Kaloyan. I have to find Kaloyan.
Kaloyan, I’m coming for you.
Nikolay could feel himself weakening with each creature he killed. The chains that Dimitar had used certainly did something to his magic, even if he’d managed to break free.
If only Kaloyan could believe in himself. If only Kaloyan understood his own power, his own strength.
Nikolay had a sort of platonic love for his dhampir, but he found himself hurting for Kaloyan beyond the pain he felt radiating off of the dhampir. Kaloyan didn’t have any confidence after their time with the Dragon King. Nikolay could think to himself all day about how brave Kaloyan was or how resilient he’d been to survive through such a difficult life - like Nikolay had. He saw so much of himself in Kaloyan. Perhaps that was why they made such great friends.
As Nikolay busted down the cell door, he saw Kaloyan lying there, shivering. He didn’t even have the strength to look up at Nikolay.
“Kaloyan!”
Eventually, Kaloyan did look up at him. Nikolay ran to his side, shaking him.
“Come on, we need to get up and leave this place. I-I killed Dimitar. There are still a lot of guards, but we can do this! Come on, Kaloyan.”
Teary-eyed, Kaloyan asked, “Don’t you hate me?”
The question caught Nikolay completely off-guard, but it shouldn’t have. “No, of course not! Kaloyan, we can talk about this later.” Nikolay couldn’t help the impatience in his voice. “We need to get out of here!”
Kaloyan opened his mouth, hesitating. Nikolay looked out the door anxiously. There were footsteps. Nikolay didn’t know how much more he had in him to fight.
“Come on!”
Kaloyan stood, weakly. Nikolay, as short as he was compared to the superhumanly tall Kaloyan, helped the dhampir up and started running, never looking back except to check that Kaloyan was still by his side.
They ran for what felt like hours, but, in reality, was likely only thirty minutes. They soon weakened. However much they wished to carry on - perhaps Nikolay more than Kaloyan - they could not. Yet, they had stumbled upon treasure in their rabid run from danger.
In front of the two was a cabin. The boards of the roof were full of holes from snow and the windows shattered. Surely, there would be somewhere inside that the two could hide, Nikolay thought. The moment they entered the cabin, the two of them fell to the ground, unable to go any farther.
Even though the cabin was an obvious hiding spot, Nikolay had the feeling that they would not be found there.
—
When Nikolay awoke, he immediately went to check for Kaloyan. Kaloyan was by his side, but the two of them laid on dirt, not wood.
Nikolay, wincing, stood and looked around. A fig grove? Dates? Peaches? Apricots? Where the hell were they?
“What’s going on?”
Kaloyan looked up at Nikolay, but immediately looked away once Nikolay looked back at him.
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
A new voice that had a certain draconic hiss filled the forest. “You’re in my domain, wanderers.”
Nikolay jumped, standing in front of Kaloyan. He was in horrific pain, but Kaloyan couldn’t defend himself, not after so much exposure to iron and silver.
Rustling leaves revealed a short human with a long braid, glasses, and a sweater. On his shoulder was an armored lizard, one that Nikolay had never seen before. The human didn’t appear very human, though. White horns peaked from his head and his eyes had a reptilian gaze. The human was a mage, an old one at that.
“Who the fuck are you?” Nikolay growled.
The mage considered them for a moment. “I am not going to hurt you. I’m not sure that my magic can.”
As the mage took a step forward, Nikolay backed up, standing closer to Kaloyan. “How can I know that for sure?”
The mage reached out a hand, offering it, palm up. “My name is Malik. As I said before, you’re in my domain. I’m not sure how you found it, but I am sincerely glad that you did.” He pushed his hand forward, Nikolay flinching back in response. “You’re wounded. Let me prove that I come in peace.”
Nikolay thought for a moment. This mage was ancient, old enough to have the power to make his own domain. There would be no way out unless Nikolay or Kaloyan could recover their magic enough to escape. For now, tempting fate and upsetting the mage would not be wise.
So, Nikolay reached his hand out, giving it to the mage. A glow of green light surrounded Nikolay’s hands and soon enough, the wounds were healed. Nikolay breathed a deep breath, moving his hand. It was scarred and his hand shook. His tendons felt tight. His hands wouldn’t be the same, but the pain was gone and the wounds no longer festered.
“Are you sure that you come in peace?”
Malik smiled a little. “I made this domain to protect wanderers who needed the service of a Northwestern-bound mage. Come, I’ll feed you two.”
—
Malik’s home was a warm place that smelled of sugar and bread. His gentle smile somehow put Nikolay at ease. Kaloyan, on the other hand, looked worse than ever. He quietly stared out with a traumatized gaze, unable to comprehend that someone was helping them, that they were safe now.
In the hearth, the golden armadillo lizard found its respite.
“The lizard is my bonded fae. Zafira. She’s a mighty ouroboros in her regular form, but she’s mellowed down a lot, as have I. She prefers this lizard form - a form she took after we traveled.”
Malik handed Nikolay a warm mug of tea. “Would your bonded like to rest?”
Nikolay looked at Kaloyan, who jumped. “Kaloyan, do you want to go lie down?”
“Is it safe?”
The question hung in the air for a moment. Malik didn’t answer, leaving it to Nikolay. Nikolay forced a smile at his traumatized friend. “It’s okay. Go rest if you need to.”
Kaloyan nodded after a moment of consideration. Malik took him to one of the guest rooms, returning shortly after. Taking the cup of tea in front of him in his hands, Malik sighed.
“You two have both been through something grave, have you not?”
Nikolay looked off to the side, warming his scarred hands on the mug. The two of them sat in silence for a moment, Nikolay thinking over what to say.
“Maybe we deserved it.”
Malik perked up. “Why would you deserve it, my good mage?”
“I’m not good. I murdered scores to get out of there. I murdered scores under the Dragon King. I burned the village down-”
Nikolay found tears in his eyes. He was safe, at least as long as the mage in front of him decided he would be. His chest heaved as he sobbed for the first time in an eternity.
“I’m an awful person. I deserved everything that happened to me.”
“Did your bonded?”
“What? No!” Nikolay glared at Malik. “He never deserved any of this.”
“You two did the same things, didn’t you? As children, no? If you deserved the tortures you went through, why doesn’t he?”
Nikolay opened his mouth to answer, but found no words. Malik was right, even if he didn’t know how Malik knew what he did.
“I have seen kingdoms come and go over the years, Nikolay. Kings come to power and die. Mortals live very short lives and they often use them for violence. In my time on this land, Nikolay, I have seen many things, but most striking to me has been violence because it’s always a cycle.”
Nikolay, wiping his tears, looked at Malik.
“How would you know?”
Malik chuckled. “I’m over a thousand years old.”
The two sat in silence before Malik started again. “Violence leads to pain and pain leads to violence. Hurt people starting wars against those that hurt them. Leaders with hurt prides attacking the ones who humiliated them. Nikolay, I’ve seen it all when it comes to violence. You do not have to continue the cycle.”
Malik took a sip of his tea before continuing. “Go, live in peace. Your tormentor is dead, as are those who followed him. Nobody will bother you anymore. Break the cycle of violence the way you’ve always wanted to.”
Tears in his eyes, Nikolay took a breath, looking at Malik. “How am I ever supposed to live a normal life after this? How am I supposed to help Kaloyan recover?”
Malik paused, thinking for a moment. “Nikolay, I cannot help you with that. Trauma is a journey. It’s one you shouldn’t travel alone, but you are not alone. You have Kaloyan. You two will find your way. I’m sure of it. There might not be a normal like what you knew before, but you will find a new one.”
Nikolay looked down at the tea he hadn’t yet touched. “What should I do, then?”
“Go and live in peace. Forge your own way. Find your own happiness with your bonded.”
Nikolay hesitated, but soon the image of Malik faded. On the floor of his old cabin, Nikolay blinked awake, a healed Kaloyan next to him. For a moment, he wondered if it had all been a dream. However, he had his scarred hands.
Those scarred hands grounded him as he cried, Kaloyan deep in sleep beside him.
===
Tags: @whumpsday, @i-can-even-burn-salad, @whumpworld, @darkthingshappen, @pigeonwhumps, @rabass, @whither-wander-whump, @whumpshaped, @espresso-depresso-system, @oddsconvert
#nonhuman whumper#nonhuman whumpee#dhampir whumpee#multiple whumpees#intimate whumper#major character death#human whumpee#minor character death#racism tw#murder tw#whump#whump writing#whumpblr#whump fic#fantasy whump#whump community#vampire whump#vampire whumpee#fearless story
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ToE
Jake Seresin drives an old 1992 Holden Rodeo when he’s in Aus with Amilia. It barely starts, it rattles like fuck and the gears get stuck more often than not when he shifts from first to second.
There a huntsman the size of his palm that lives in the passenger side sun visor but he knows well enough by now to leave it alone. He’s not hurting anyone. He doesn’t tell you it’s there.
The cab is rusted and the floor needs a good clean from the red clay that’s been stomped into the rubber floor mats but again he’s not fussed.
“Do you even know how to drive this thing!?” It may be the last thing you ever do, agreeing to go on a beer run to the local bottlo. Jake’s grinning ear to ear as he watched you clutch onto the roof handle for dear life as he swings around the roundabout. “Jake—!”
“Relax Fe, she’ll be right.” He can afford a better ute, but he doesn’t want one. It sits in the shed for three month stints when he’s back in San Diego.
“I can see why Amilia gave me that look of horror when I said I’d come with you—you drive like a maniac.” Jake chuckled at that, out of the two of them it’s Amilia who can’t drive to save herself. Jake usually drives when they’re together—he values his life and the life of others on the road.
“Took me a while to get the hang of the right side steering too.” You can’t help but to role your eyes as Jake pulls into the car park of the liquor land. “Alright we need a case of Great Northern, a six pack of Corona for Roo and a bottle of Gin for Oz.”
Jake Seresin is just so different when he’s in Australia than he is when he’s back in the states. It doesn’t matter where he is in the world though so long as his wife is by his side—so long as Amilia is around Jake is home. Home is where his heart is.
“Hey mate, how are ya?” You can hear the slight Aussie twang in his voice as he asked the eighteen year old kid staking shelves how he’s going. He loves Australia, he loves the culture and the laid back nature.
“Good man—this the sister you were talking about the other day?” Jake nods, watching as Sam stands from where he’d been crouched stacking the bottom shelf. “Nice to meet you, you’re brother here’s become a little bit of a local.” You shake the kids hands. “I’m Sam.”
“It’s nice to meet you Sam.” You smile softly. “And so I’ve heard.” You heard it from the older guys at the pub on Friday night. You’d heard it from the sweet old lady at the newsagents and the guy at the bakery who wouldn’t shut up about how Jake was just the best guy around. “I’m glad he’s made a home here for himself.”
“How’d you go in the rust bucket?” Sam asked with an all-knowing smirk smeared across his face as he looked over your shoulder and saw Jakes Rodeo in the car park. “That things held together by hopes and dreams.”
“And a few rolls of duct tape.” Jake adds as he rounds the corner with the slab of Great Northern on his shoulder. “She’s a walk in rego mate, as long as it still starts I’m gonna keep it around.” Sam scoffs in response and Jake tussles his hair. “You’re mother know you’re working late?”
“Sure does—“ Sam lived next door the the Fisher-Seresin household. He was a good kid. He confided in Jake a lot about things in life.
“She change your diper before you left the house too?”
“Yeah and your wife was there to kiss my ass when I didn’t kick up a fuss.” You couldn’t help but to laugh at the interaction, Jake would’ve been a good dad. The thought was forever in the back of your mind. He should have been a dad. Amilia should have been a mum.
“Speaking of my lovely wife, get me a bottle of Gordon’s and we’ll be outta here.”
You and Jake don’t stick around for much longer, he pays and tells Sam if he does end up needed a lift to call. Back in the car you can’t help but to ask.
“How come you and Amilia never ended up going through with that adoption?” Jakes too focused on shifting from first the second without grinding the gears as he drives with his knee and clips his seatbelt in to answer right away. But he answers. “You would’ve been a really good dad.”
“We didn’t get approved—“ It’s a hard topic but it’s the truth. “Fly in fly out work didn’t meet the criteria for stable living conditions.” Jake just kept driving, kept looking straight ahead. “But we’re fine with it, we weren’t meant to be parents Fe.” He shakes his head to will the idea from his mind. “Besides, we’ve got two beautiful nieces and two feral nephews that we’d die for.”
You leave it at that and decide that the suns far too bright for your liking. Jake can’t get the words out fast enough to stop you reaching up and out for the sun visor.
“Y/n Don’t—“ You feel your soul leave your body at the sight of it. It’s the biggest spider you’ve ever seen.
“Pull over before I jump out—“
***~***~***~***~***~***
Jakes Rodeo
#terms of endearment// bradley bradshaw#terms of endearment // Jake Seresin#jake seresin imagine#jake hangman seresin x reader#jake seresin fanfiction
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Howdy, hope you are well!
Why Orthodoxy? I don't know very much about Orthodox Christians.
Have a blessed day!
Sorry it took so long to get to your message! And apologies in advance if the following is a bit rambly or unclear. I struggle a lot with being concise.
Largely what put me off of Orthodoxy when I was enquiring into Catholicism, was that at least in Scotland, the Orthodox Churches here primarily conduct their Liturgies in languages other than English. It felt like they were primarily orientated at serving local Romanian or Greek or Russian immigrants, and didn't seek to expand those demographics. Which was fair. But at the same time, this put me at odds with what I felt was the universal (or, Catholic) message of what Christianity was. By and large, this was my own failing to conduct proper research. Don't get me wrong, at the time there was also logistical issues. When I was looking at converting into Christianity in general, I was in London for university. Which is a huge city with a range of Churches that serves various Christian communities. Whereas back at my tiny town in Scotland, there were only Protestant and Catholic Churches. The nearest Orthodox Church just simply wasn't commutable by public transport and I don't drive.
I was (and still am) very new to exploring Orthodox Christianity. A lot of my initial exposure to Orthodox Christians online, were largely negative experiences. Which I strongly don't recommend using as your basis of whether a faith is true or not, but they were my only real exposure to Orthodox Christians and I think their overzealousness perhaps muddied their intentions and the faith they were trying to relay to others.
I'm saying these things, because originally I was brought up in an atheist household. I converted to Catholicism in 2018/2019. I made that choice of Orthodoxy or Catholicism then, and it's something I'm returning to now. My initial exploration of Orthodoxy was admittedly extremely poor on my part. I let anxieties of bothering these people steer me away from really exploring it. And because I was learning about Catholicism, this naturally brought in a lot of misconceptions that some Catholics have about Orthodox Christians and I took these things more or less at face value. I was a very different person then in terms of how I approached educating myself. I was at a very vulnerable point in my life with regards to having extremely poor mental health issues and having no support network. I was desperate for community and a relationship with God. The English speaking Catholic Church nearby was therefore a much less daunting and accessible community for me. It was a lot easier for me to integrate.
I also have a lot of love and respect for the Blessed Virgin Mary, and with regards to Marian Dogmas put forth by the Catholic Church largely just took the position of "Well these are just so obviously true, how can the Orthodox say otherwise?" While never actually being brave enough to actually give much exploration into what the Orthodox positions on the Blessed Virgin Mary actually was. I was very caught up in the anxiety that I would learn the wrong thing, and by doing so offend her and by extension God. Over a period of time, I would learn again and again, through various accidental means that some of my misconceptions about Orthodoxy were simply that - misconceptions.
Something that I hold very closely to my heart was praying the Rosary after an extremely traumatic life event happened (or trying, I was mostly just crying and shaking). And I remember just feeling enveloped in the smell of roses. It was something so deeply warm and comforting. That whenever I smell roses, I always think of that singular event. For a long time I have prayed for her to be like a Mother to me, and to continually bring me back to her Son.
One of my other prayers that I held so dearly to while converting to Catholicism was praying that God would bring me to Him. And that if I ever strayed that He would guide me back. Over time, my exposure to Orthodoxy became something akin to being in a maze. No matter which way I took a path in life, re-treading old ground or exploring new ones, I felt like I was continually being brought back to the topic of the Orthodox Church.
You arouse us so that praising you may bring us joy, because you have made us and drawn us to yourself, and our heart is restless until it rests in you. - St. Augustine
I'm in a city now where there is an English Liturgy offered, and the Romanian Priest that offers the Liturgy in Romanian is also extremely warm and welcoming - even going so far to get a translator for the sermon and conducting various parts of the Liturgy in English. For the Lord's Prayer, people from each community take turns in praying it out loud. Hearing the Lord's prayer in various languages that have come together under one roof to praise God is a lot more universal and welcoming than I initially thought or even knew about.
In some sense, I feel like a lot of the readings I was doing particularly around the Church Fathers and the early Church, pulled me towards Orthodoxy. And I'm in a much better position to be more open to exploring those things, and challenging my own misconceptions that I had about Orthodoxy. It was never a case of me waking up one day and deciding I didn't like the Pope or some other part of the Catholic Church. It was something I loved, and love, dearly. It was heartbreaking to feel the pull towards Orthodoxy, and it still is in a lot of ways. But I have to be understanding and open to the way that God leads me in my life. And this is the way I feel like I'm being led. And I'm in a much better position to explore that now.
Something you might find useful / interesting, if you don't have much exposure to Orthodox Christianity would be the following:
https://www.saintjohnchurch.org/differences-between-orthodox-and-catholic/
https://www.saintjohnchurch.org/teachings-orthodox-church/
Kallistos Ware also has two books: The Orthodox Church, and the Orthodox Way. Both of which are usually recommended to both inquiries and Catechumens.
#This is so long I'm so sorry#I'm sorry if you were looking for like particular theological disputes I had with Catholicism also#it's hard to articulate but it's never felt like that for me#As in I didn't wake up and decide I didn't believe in Papal infallibility and thus decide to check out Orthodoxy#It's more or less just feeling continually called to explore Orthodoxy
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Letters 📜✒️
cc!Wilbur x Reader
Summary: You and Wilbur are long distance and write letters to each other as a way of expressing your emotions.
TW: Mentions of stress, anxiety
Help now I want to write a whole fic of this
You and Wilbur first ever talked through letters
You had been assigned each other as pen pals through a program you had both signed up for
Wilbur was the first to send his letter, and you two hit it off immediately
The letters took ages to get back due to the distance, but they were always worth it
They were always casual, but engaged. After a while, you could feel the lift in mood when you heard the postman come by
After half a year or so, Wilbur felt that you were good enough friends to ask for your number. What's the harm in asking? It would be easy.
Or that's what he thought until he found himself sitting in his desk, searching for the correct words
After a while he gave up and just out right asked as a footnote on the bottom of what was otherwise a typical letter
When you got the letter, you jumped up to grab your phone
But as you added the contact and hovered your finger over the call button, the truth set in
You had never even heard his voice. How should you approach this? What if he finds it weird how fast you called? Should you just text him?
You had been too caught up in your worries that you didn't even realize you had accidentally clicked call
It went for three rings before he picked up
"Hello?"
His voice was deep and laced with a beautiful British accent, and you found yourself unable to speak for a few moments
You panicked and stuttered out a incoherent string of words
"Sorry? Could you repeat that?"
"Yeah, uh sorry! Is this Wilbur? This is Y/N. Again sorry! I didn't mean to call you immediately, I should've considered your time zone and-"
"Y/N? No, I'm so glad you called! I thought maybe I had written my number too small or that you wouldn't, I don't know, care enough?"
You reassured him and you two went on to have a lovely (even though slightly awkward) conversation that night
You still wrote letters, just out of habit and because it was a source of comfort for both of you.
After the initial call, it became one of your daily tasks. You would eventually FaceTime, and that's when you began to notice it.
The butterflies when you called or the extra pep in your step when you got a letter back
So maybe you had a crush on the cute, letter-writing British boy
You assumed it would go away with time
But maybe you assumed wrong
The more you talked, the more you felt yourself falling for Wilbur
The letters you were getting seemed to be more and more affectionate, but you assumed it was all platonic.
"Yeah, what are your thoughts on relationships anyway?" The question from the man on the phone caught you off guard.
"Uh, I guess I'm kind of looking for one at the moment. I kind of, maybe have somebody in mind."
"Ah." His voice seemed deflated, but you were sure it was your imagination
After that, he became more distant and reserved. What used to be lively conversations turned into small talk. The inside jokes fizzled out, and your letters were a little less frequent.
And it was driving you crazy
Wilbur was one of the most important people in your life at the moment, and you really didn't want to lose him
You were too scared to bring it up on a call, so you resorted to your most affectionate form of communication: letters
You poured your heart out, asking him if you had done something wrong and why your friendship seemed to be fizzling out
When a week passed without mention, you felt your heart break a little
Maybe you were being ridiculous. You were just pen pals. There was no obligation for him to be your friend.
But the next day, the letter came:
(Please excuse my letter-writing skills💀)
Dear Y/N,
I never meant for you to feel as though the friendship was being neglected or even put on hold. Truthfully, I value it more than most things in my life at the moment. But in order to apologize and explain the reasoning for my distance, there's a very important confession I need to make. My hope is that it doesn't harm what we already have, but it's time I come clean.
For a while now, I've realized that I like you more than as a friend. But I was so nervous you didn't reciprocate that I couldn't find the strength or courage to tell you. I didn't want to tarnish what was a beautiful friendship. But I notice now that it's done more harm than good, and for that I deeply apologize.
Ever since the first call, you always made me feel special and wanted. Like there was a reason I exist and that you would be there for me. I noticed all the cute habits you have, like how you talk faster when you're exited or how your first instinct when somebody is down is to listen. Truth be told, I'm smitten for you and I'm not sure how to tell you.
When you told me you had somebody in mind for a relationship, I assumed you meant somebody else. I care too much about you to ever get in the way of your happiness. So I backed off, just in case you needed your space. My intention was never to cause you any anxiety or stress.
I'm hoping a letter will be enough for me to get this point across. I really dreamed of the day I would tell you to your face, but I'm scared of the situation I've put myself in. I completely understand if you get this letter and never respond because I've been such a shit friend lately. But even if I never hear from you again, I just want you to know that I love you.
Yours,
Wilbur
You had to read it about six times for the message to sink in
Holy crap, he loved you
Wilbur Soot loved you
You wanted to write him back an equally heartfelt letter with all your confessions, but you were too excited to hold the pen
You grabbed your phone and called him on FaceTime
It barely rang before Wilbur picked up, voice tight and face wearing anxiety and fear
"Wilbur! Your letter!"
When you didn't say anything else he sighed and blinked back tears
"I'm so sorry, maybe I shouldn't have sent that. I knew it was a bad idea..."
"No! No, are you kidding? Wilbur, I love you too!"
His face morphed from complete shock to euphoria
"Love letters really work then, huh?"
--------------
Wayyyyy longer than I expected, but I like how it turned out! I honestly might make a part 2/full fic. Feel free to send an ask in!
#wilbursoot#wilbur x reader#wilburxyn#wilbur soot x reader#wilbur x y/n#wilbur headcanons#dsmp#drsmp x reader#williamgold#mcyt headcanons#mcytxreader#mcytxyn#wilbur soot x y/n#wilbur soot x you#wilbur x you#dsmp x you#dsmp x y/n#dream smp x reader#dsmp x reader#ccwilbur x reader#cc!wilbur#wilbur imagine#headcanon
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whats the worst encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?
whats the funniest encounter of ableism you've had, online or irl?
whats something you see thats overhyped in regards to disability or cripplepunk?
do you have an ideal mobility aid or ideal disability aid in general?
feel free to skip any/all :)
cw: suicide, ableism,
1-The worst encounter of ableism I've experienced was from a psychiatric nurse my GP referred me to during a mental health crisis. I told the nurse that I was having thoughts about ending my life and he told me that he felt sorry for me because my physical disability meant my life would never be worth living. Obviously "you're doomed to feel this way forever" isn't a safe thing to say to someone trying to get help during a mental health crisis. If he could have done more to help me end my life I think he would have, and this is one of the reasons I'm so afraid of the risks around assisted suicide for disabled people.
I feel the need to add that several years on from that appointment I'm so happy that I'm alive. I've had 15 months of therapy and I'm on meds that work for me, I have the right support and equipment to manage my conditions, an extremely fulfilling job, and an amazing support network. My disability is worse than it was back then but I feel so much more content with my life.
2- The funniest example of ableism is more a story of ableism in the sense that no one had thought properly about disabled access. Only the result was that me and some other students accidentally broke into a nightclub.
I was at uni making a video with a group of disabled students for disability history month. We were filming in the student media centre which was on the first floor of a shared building. On the ground floor and basement there was a nightclub. All of the organisations shared a lift.
So we go up the lift while the nightclub is selling tickets during the day, but in the time it took for us to finish filming, the nightclub had closed and locked up. We didn't know this, so just took the lift back down when we wanted to leave. Immediately as we stepped out the lift, the burglar alarm went off.
It was the loudest thing I have ever heard in my life. It was so loud that it was totally impossible to think. All we could do was try to get away as quickly as we could so we went to the doors, which were obviously locked.
So we went back up in the lift away from the noise to figure out what to do next. We called the campus security and tried to explain what was happening but they didn't seem to get it. Eventually they told us that they were heading over our way anyway (because of the alarm) and would check in on us when they came.
When they arrived they were knocking on the lift door convinced that we were stuck in there. When we said we were stuck in the building, not the lift they didn't get it.
They looked at us, a group of disabled people including someone with a cane, someone using crutches and me, very obviously a wheelchair user, and told us if we couldn't take the lift we could "just take the stairs".
I had to awkwardly point out that wheelchairs don't go do down stairs at which point they became very embarrassed (which I won't lie was quite funny)
In the end we had to wait an hour or so for the owner of the nightclub to drive up to campus with the keys and alarm codes and it was all fine.
3- I think that the value of independence is overhyped everywhere, including in disabled spaces. I've seen a lot of disabled people state that they're somehow better than other disabled people who they view as less independent than them. Relying on mobility aids, medications, carers, family members benefits and other supports don't make you less strong, less deserving or less anything.
I really struggled with my own feelings around this when I was a teenager. I found it so hard to ask for help because I thought it made me a "bad disabled person", and seeing that insecurity reflected back at me from other disabled people online only reenforced it.
4- My ideal mobility aid would be a fully waterproof electric wheelchair. I'd love the sensation of rain or hail in my face without being stressed about my chair. Or be able to go to the beach along one of those mat things and into the sea.
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One person asked, so here is Autistic Mike!
-Mike didn't want Max in the group. For seemingly no real reason, except that it was change and she wasn't El and they already had El and Mike couldn't let her go.
-Max joining for Halloween: "they should have checked with me." I too have "control freak tendencies in order to maintain balance in my life!
-Mike couldn't give up toys (two boxes for the yard sale) because they had "too much sentimental value". I've literally said this to my own mother. Like Mike, I wasn't selfish and was willing to give up a few, but neither of us could let go of things.
-Mike has a hard time letting go of things. He tends to be a driving force in a lot of things.
-Strong sense of Justice,
-boundary issues.
-awkward. All the time.
-no filter. He isn't as filter-free as Robin, but "Holy Shit what happened to you" at Dustin's Snow Ball hair is totally something I would accidentally do.
-His stress about the flowers being too "70-30 split linda thing" very specific.
-AirPort scene in S4. Mike is weird when touching the CA group. I interpreted this as ND behavior, because of my own experiences with touch aversions. I am fine with a select group touching me, but if I haven't seen someone in a while, touch is awkward, as though we need to warm up. Hello hugs are not my thing lol
-His freezing when Argyle hugged him
-this is a stretch, but Mike can't pick up roller skating. He sucks. This could be because he literally just sucks. Or because of coordination issues. But Mike is decently coordinated (unlike Robin who can't run and took a long time to walk as a baby), so this is stretching things a bit.
-HE NEVER UNDERSTANDS SARCASM.
I would also like to use this to point out that not ever person who is Autistic has a hard time communicating. Not all have eye contact aversions. There's a reason it's a "spectrum disorder."
I also didn't want to put down that Mike was super smart and helped with the theories and such, because Lucas, Will, and Dustin are all just as smart, and I don't want to take Mike's intellect away from him. Also I'm dumb and have asd, so....
#dustin stranger things#mike stranger things#robin stranger things#stranger things#st mike#mike wheeler#lucas stranger things#will stranger things#stranger things season 4#autistic#autism in media#byler s4
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Car Rides and Confessions
Steve Harrington X Reader (Mike’s sister)
Summary: driving home from your annual movie night with the kiddos and confessions are made….
Warnings: none!!
After what felt like an eternity in Steve Harrington’s car, you finally made it to your house. Putting the car in park, everyone stumbled out… besides you who sat nervously in the passenger seat.
“hey watch it!! It took me forever to get my hair right!!” Dustin screamed as him and the gang finally made it on the Wheeler lawn. Steve looked over at you in confusion, still sitting there. He could tell something was off you were never this quiet.
Steve poked you and began joking around “Hey we got the right house, right? You can get out wheeler I know your probably sick of me.” You looked over like a deer in headlights and a sudden tension rose. Mike tapped on the window. “Y/n cmon let’s go chop chop enough time with your little boy toy!!” The who gang who now sat on the grass started laughing.
“He’s not my boyfriend ugh just go back inside Micheal!!! Or I’ll tell your friends you wet the bed last night” Mike looked away flushed and embarrassed walking back inside with the gang. The moment her brother closed the door, y/n turned to Steve and their eyes locked instantly, “we need to talk.”
Steve thought you were joking, “Ok?? Are you firing me as your free co babysitter of these hooligans because honestly I don’t blame you. I gave Dustin like 5 pounds of candy at the theater and he’s probably gonna be sick.”
You stified a laugh, his humor always made you feel more relaxed. “No… it’s actually something’s serious so please don’t talk and let me try to get out all I need to say ok?” Steve nodded eagerly.
You took a deep breath. “I really value our friendship and you know how you’ve been here for me all summer long. I’ve had this… I don’t know feel-ing these past few mon-ths I can’t hold in any long-er.”
Your hands began to figit so you tried distracting yourself by looking straight ahead at the street instead of his eyes. You were taken aback when Steve held your hands to stop your shaking. That’s when you looked over again.
Steve looked terrified “Oh sorry is this ok? I just saw you were nervous and…”
“Steve it’s more than ok” you smiled softly, now continuing your story with more ease. “Anyways what I’m trying to say is… I really like you more than friends and if you wanna explore us being more than that…. I’d like that? If not that’s totally ok cool cool cool and we can forget this ever happened and everything so yah cool I’m gonna go before I embarrass myself more and-“ and in that moment…
Steve kissed you.
His lips tasted like buttery popcorn and m&ms and you swore it was the best moment of your life. Pulling away was your least favorite part.
With wide eyes you let out a small “woah” and Steve laughed in response. You too started laughing and felt like the weight had been lifted off your shoulders.
“So just to confirm… that’s a yes?”
“You bet your ass it’s a yes wheeler holy SHIT. I just kissed you. I gotta call Robin. My mind is racing you have no idea how long I’ve wanted you to do that. I’m gonna scream.” He was grinning eye to ear.
“Please don’t scream” you started laughing uncontrollably at his adorableness. “Oh but I shall…” next thing you know Steve is on your lawn screaming:
“I JUST KISSED Y/H WHOOOOOO HOOO YESSSSSSSS LETS GOOOO” he started doing a little dance and that’s when you saw the gang peering from Mike’s open window. They started laughing.
“Who knew he had it in him?” Dustin joked. You looked up at them and waved shyly.
Steve Harrington is an idiot…
but he’s your idiot.
p.s this is my first ever story!! :)
#steve stranger things#steve harrington#stranger things#steve harrington x you#love confessions#steve harrington fluff#tooth rotting fluff#mike wheeler#max mayfield#dustin henderson#eddie munson#netflix
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hey!
i would like to request a match up for arcane.
i’m 21 year old woman.
I’m an autistic lesbian.
i’m 5’7
i’m an ambivert, i get energy from hanging out with others but after a while i need time to myself and i enjoy spending time alone. i’m very energetic, i am kind and caring, i am quite a funny person and i enjoy laughing and making jokes.
my hobbies are drawing, acting, writing and dancing.
i’m a black woman, black hair, big brown eyes, dark skin, my face is kind of a diamond shape, high cheekbones.
im a ESFP Sagittarius 🥰
your match-up and star messenger is . . .
SEVIKA (istp) !
you are the "fluffy and sharp edges" couple
sevika and you connect on your attention to detail and your abilities to adapt to change. you both value your personal space and while you love connecting with others or with them on a more serious level sevika is one for intellectual stimulation, which is what both of you are seeking just with different steps in mind.
you encourage sevika to break out of her comfort zone, and try some new things out before drawing judgment on them. she does have a drive for adventure and exploring the world around her, which will likely expand more as your relationship grows but she is so grateful you need some time to yourself and that you enjoy spending time alone just like she does.
sevika might struggle with keeping up with all your jokes since she is a thinker and less of a feeler, she might think that they make no sense and try to argue why it doesn't on a practical level. lots of your problems might stem from communicating, you might feel sevika is too logical, and too serious while she might think you are irrational and illogical. but it can be solved if the two of you compromise, that you understand she isn't trying to insult you and if she adjusts her speech accordingly.
you might think it's silly and that you would never think of sevika as someone who ever wanted to dance but there was a spark in her when she was little, that she wanted to be a performer but times demanded other things from her than her chasing her dreams.
some aspects of your relationship would be:
running away from the enforcer together, maybe even laughing at their slow ass (sevika will even pick you up if it's really serious)
bath dates !!! it's absolutely adorable what sevika can throw together for you in such a thigh space your bathroom is
wearing her scarf
"give her trouble and i will make your eyes into a christmas ornament."
MEETING EACH OTHER !
version 1
on the upper level of zaun, right under the city of piltover was a theater, a place to start if someone wanted to be a dancer or actor but couldn't afford the upper city's unfair prices for education and member fees. you spent the better parts of your days there, either for rehearsal or for shows. it wasn't an easy life to live, the directors were more than gruesome to listen to them, and like everyone else you needed some kind of escape- the last drop is exactly the place where you can blow some steam off, maybe hit up a good chat so you can rant. but with her sitting next to you, eyeing you for a minute before giving you a charming smirk, swirling her drink before finally opening her mouth.
"can i interest you in another round of your drink and maybe a smoke?"
version 2
silco was again dumping the newbies on sevika and she couldn't take it anymore, all of them broke vials, mishandled the packages, and let's not mention how nervous they became when handling a drop-off. she had to teach them, break them in, show them how to do it or else it would come off of her paycheck which was slim even without some rookie mistakes. then came you, someone, who seemed determined and not scared of the people who demanded shimmer but from something else. she took a liking to you the first day and she is not one for learning names, but she wanted to know yours.
"what's your name again? i wanna keep in mind whose neck i need to keep away from the knife."
YOUR SONG IS . . .
generous heart by maya hawke !
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BOTW AU junk I cant stop thinking about
Peach never takes her hair down, and if she does, its in secret. Plum one day catching her without her tell-tale braid, just melting, she's got so much hair, and it needs to be played with-STAT! Peach quickly learns about a thing she never knew she wanted, going from 'don't you dare play with my hair' to 'can you do it for me?' overnight, took one evening of having hands in it to break that in the big woman.
Plum totally puts flowers in it some days.
Little Plum before the pair left Kakariko Village, nabbed a disguise for her big companion, so she could blend in a bit more while on the road. A Yiga member wears their uniform at all costs, it's kind of a thing, they're really strict about it, and are told not to remove the mask or gear unless in perfect secrecy with your own family. Upon learning about this, Plum rubs it in Peach's face that she caught her with that initial arrow and the bigger woman immediately took her mask off. Peach countering with 'you would too if you were in that much pain! It's hot under there! Shut up-' getting embarrassed, an unusual trait in her.
The mask eventually takes one hit too many, cracks in half, Peach tends to block with her face sometimes. She goes to throw it away, an end of an era, the end of who she use to be, but Plum pockets it, it was the first thing she saw of the woman, and to her, it has sentimental value. Peach doesn't mind, finds it quite sweet in a strange way.
Nights in cute towns, renting rooms off Inn keepers, safe, warm, horses cared for, everything is fine. Plum gets a moment to trace the tattoos and scars that litter this woman's body, they get a moment of peace not stressing about surviving or who may or may not be hunting them. Peach tries not to feel guilty that somehow she got this little Sheikah woman mixed up in all this mess. The pair connected, and now they're both in danger, not just Peach. She could have handled it alone but no. Guilt settles itself in her like a brick in the gut. It never goes away, and on the rare occasion she's too slow, or not strong enough, and Plum gets hurt, she's a furious foe to cross, totally driven by her fear of losing the person who seemed to give her some kind of second chance despite who she was and where she came from. She'll bypass all her usual limitations and drive herself into the ground if she has to. Taken so many hits for her companion already. But, on the other hand, Plum's saved her skin a fair few times too, got great aim, and a speedy horse, tactical mind.
Their quiet nights able to hold each other are abstract at first. Plum did not see her life going this way, and Peach thought she'd never be free of her clan. Yet they both wake up day after day together, handling life on the road as best they can.
Later on, the conflict as Grey watches from afar, sees his childhood friend, secret crush, living...happily? Doing things he never thought she'd want to do, like learning to fish, or helping people on the road??? It's literally their job to hinder travellers, and while Peach always wants to rob people, Plum's there reminding her to behave. He sees her laugh. smile? All the things she only ever did through a menacing veil, but here, watching genuine peace take over her life, he starts to wonder if maybe he'd gotten her all wrong. Maybe she left and it was a good thing. Maybe he could too.
Every encounter they have, Peach grows stronger, and he seems weaker. She's got something to fight for now, and he's losing his faith in the clan with every step he takes further from home. She offers him a chance to escape, an ope hand, something alien in their culture. They'll never truly be free, the elders will always hunt them, but maybe, just maybe, together they can survive, make something of their lives, other than fighting other peoples battles. Plum, unsettled by his presence, but unafraid, sees how much he means to Peach, she's watched the large woman kill many a thing without hesitation to stay alive, but Grey? She's had the shot, she's watched her take swings and pull back to miss, to give him a chance to dodge. She too, welcomes him in, if he wants. He does not know what to do.
Runs. Torn between the head and the heart.
The next time they clash, a few feeble swings of the blade are taken, but he throws them down soon after, shocking his old friend who briefly thinks it's a trick, but sees the mask come off, dropped to the floor, unheard of in their clan. She drops the blade, a moment waiting to make sure for certain theres no trick, before running to hug him so tight. He bawls his eyes out, years being touch starved, not holding a hand, or feeling someone wrap him up in their arms, the attention totally breaks him. there is no love with their clan, only training, only duty, only the drive to be powerful and cunning. But now, he has the opportunity for love.
They are chased down, they send bigger meaner members after them, but together, the trio can cope, they know what to do, they know the tricks and tactics, and survive.
Plum has now got two big bodies covered in tattoos, and scars, and they both adore her, and she's not sure what to do but by god she'll figure it out!
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Fluff Alphabet w/ Peter Ballard
pairing(s): peter ballard x gn reader
warnings: unbelievably sweet and tooth rotting fluff, a smitten and very lovesick peter
A - Attractive (What do they find most attractive in a person and about you?)
he finds your laugh and loyalty unbelievably endearing
B - Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why Not? How big?)
ummmm i can't see him like wanting one? i think he's be too worried about the possibilities of passing the powers on
C - Cuddle (Do they like to cuddle? How do they like to cuddle most?)
if he's in private with you and not cuddling up to you id be suprised. he really doesn't have a preference for cuddling with you, as long as the two of you are alone and im eachother's arms he's content
D - Date (Ideal date?)
honestly just like anywhere away from the lan, i can see him struggling to pick pit date ideas because he's just so spoilt for choice and wants to give you the absolute best
E - Energetic (How energetic are they?)
ummm isd say moderate, i think he's more often calm, but he gets excited quite easily
F - Fight (How are they in a fight?)
awful. he's so scared of loosing you but sometimes just lashes out, he's never ever hurt you physically or insult you though
J - Jealousy (Are they the jealous type? How do they deal with it?)
very jealous person. he'll never express or act on it though because he knows he can trust you
K - Kiss (Their favorite way to kiss you?)
either on the lips or nose, he loves really long, slow kisses because they're just so emotionally vulnerable and it makes him feel so safe. he'll lean his forehead against yours afterwarda and close his eyes as he pacefully sighs
L - Love Confession (How did they confess their love?)
he keeps it in for so long because he's scared of driving you away or putting you in harms way. he probably left it up to you to make the first move but at the first show of reciprocation it all came spilling out and he told you how long he'd been in love with you
M - Mean (What are they like when they’re mean? Is it common?)
peter is never mean to you, he'd rather live the life of his father, locked up in prison for a false crime with no eyes, than hurt you
N - Nicknames (Do they have nicknames for you? What are their favorites for them?)
"my love", "dear", the classic lovesick nicknames
O - Open (How long did it take for them to open up to you?)
id say a while, and you probably stull don't kmow everything now, but that's not because he doesn't trust you, he trusts you 100%, he just doesn't want you to share the burden of his past
P - Proposal (How would they propose? Would they propose at all?)
i'm not entirely sure, probably not at all- i think he'd more ne one for like intimate personal promises that you'll spend your lives together, rather than official and old fashioned ones infront of crowds
Q - Quiet (What are quiet moments like with them?)
utter peace. comfortable silences with are like walking on clouds or embracing an angel. they're so comforting
R- Rainy Day (What are they like in the rain?)
i think he really enjoys watching the rain, i dount he'll ever go out in it because he rarely has the time and probably isn't allowed to leave the facility
S - Sad (How do they handle their sadness? How do they react to yours?)
not great, but he'll always tell you. he doesn't really know how to handle his emotions so help from you is always appreciated immensely
T - Time (How long did it take for you to get together?)
after the confession? it took a few days to make it official. but before? years.
U - Unique (What’s an interesting thing about them that not a lot of people know about?)
it's actually super easy to make him blush, like compliment him or suprised him wih a kiss and he goes beet red
V - Value (What are some of the things they value most in life? value most about you?)
your patience and loyalty. it's so refreshing to be loved by someone like you and just feels like a massive weight has been lifted off his chest
W - Wildcard (random fluff headcanon)
nothing gives him butterflies as much as when you run your hands through his hair after a really long day. gently and slowly guiding your fingers throgh his soft hair as he lies his head in your lap makes him go so giddy he can hardly control what comes out of his mouth
X - XO (Are they affectionate with hugs and kisses? If not, are they in other ways?)
very very very affectionate. hugs, kisses, hand holding. he's the sweetest lover when it comes to physical and even emotional affection. // "i love you, peter" "and i you, mu love" he fondly smiles as he squeezes your hand and stares into your eyes, kissing your cheek before guiding your head to rest on his shoulder
Y - Yearn (How do they deal with yearning?)
if he's working and yearning for you it's overwhelming. he'll usually just rely on memories of the two of you together or quick smiles at you from across the room as the two of you trued to act professional.
Z - Zen (What makes them calm?)
just being in your presence. listening to the sound of rain. peaceful silences. being alone with you after a long day
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Lestat and the loss of belief in his own humanity:
“I told her that the real pain for me as an evil being was that I understood goodness, and I respected it. I had never been without a conscience. But all my life- even as a mortal boy- I had always been required to go against my conscience to obtain anything of intensity or value.”
“I told her that I Had run off with a band of actors when I was a boy, committing an obvious sin of disobedience. I had committed the sin of fornication with one of the young woman of the troupe Yet those days, acting on the village stage and making love, had seemed of inestimable value! “You see, that’s when I was alive, merely alive. The trivial sins of a boy! After I was dead, every step I took in the world was a commitment to sin, and yet at every turn I saw the sensual and the beautiful.”
“Was this human to want her understanding, this desperate fear that I would die in her arms, and no one would ever know who I’d been or what had taken place?
Ah, but the others, they knew, and they had not come to help me.”
“I won’t let you die,” she whispered in my ear. But I heard the fear which she couldn’t disguise. Sleep rolled over me, thinly, so that the room retained its shape, its color, its light. I called upon the others again, begging Marius to help me. I began to think of terrible things- that they were all there as so many small white statues with the Virgin and with Saint Rita, watching me, and refusing to help.”
This is so messed up. You can literally see how Lestat’s experiences being in this mortal body, how this near death experience he’s had, and how the very real possibility of dying alone and unknown, unwanted, unloved, and not needed, is driving him to look back on his past as a mortal with a negative self-perception. How it’s making him believe that pursuing his goals, going against the will of his father and brothers, was what he’d always feared it to be, some sort of proof of his inherently evil nature. This idea born in Catholic guilt, that to pursue one’s desires, to indulge ones wants and needs, to try, in fact, to make oneself happy, is a sin, is inherently evil. You can see how the misery of this experience for Lestat has totally reinforced this idea in his mind that his very nature, the greatness of his will, his refusal to accept defeat, his refusal to give up, makes him a bad person.
He continues to have visions of Clauda, scolding him, demanding that he confess his sins, that he admit to his lack of remorse for his past actions.
“Claudia, listen to me. I didn’t begin it. I didn’t make the world! It was always there, this evil. It was in the shadows, and it caught me, and made me part of it, and I did what I felt I must. Don’t laugh at me, please, don’t turn your head away. I didn’t make evil! I didn’t make myself!”
“It wasn’t all anguish... It wasn’t hell. Tell me it wasn’t. Tell me there was happiness. Can devils be happy? Dear God, I don’t understand.”
“Yes, and I’m not sorry. I’m not. I would roar it from the rooftops right up into the dome of heaven. Claudia, I would do it again! I would do it again!”
“I am the ideal of my kind... I am the perfect vampire You are looking at the Vampire Lestat when you look at me. No one outshines this figure you see before you- no one! I am not time’s fool, nor a god hardened by the millennia; I am not the trickster in the black cape, nor the sorrowful wanderer. I have a conscience. I know right from wrong. I know what I do, and yes, I do it. I am the Vampire Lestat. That’s your answer. Do with it what you will.”
He’s totally convinced at this point of what he’s always been made to feel, from seemingly everyone, that to be himself is to be evil. Nicki made him feel it, with his accusations that Lestat’s refusal to “go down”, that his “light” is what wrought Nicki’s own self-destruction. Gabrielle made him feel it, with her annoyance and dismissal of his desire for her affection, by showing him that his desire to keep her with him was a burden on her own existence. His father and brothers made him feel it, by forcing him again and again to come back home, by punishing him for running away, telling him he was selfish and that he had brought shame upon them all in trying to pursue his dreams. Armand made him feel it, by blaming him for the destruction of his coven. Louis and Claudia made him feel it, through their resentment and hatred of him and his silence, his inability to tell them the truth. And now this experience, this awful, awful experience, this shattering of Lestat’s illusions as to what it means to be human, has sealed these negative self-beliefs. He’s convinced himself that he always wanted to be what he is, that that’s why he hates being in this mortal body so much. He doesn’t understand that it’s simply a lack of conditioning now, that he’s grown so accustomed to existing without the suffering and limitations of the human form, that to be suddenly thrust into that, and to have what has to be the worst possible experience of it, becoming so sick that he nearly dies, would make ANYONE want immediately to go back to the freedom and ease of being an immortal who is invulnerable to any form of illness, or pain, or physical misery. This is just so fucking sad man.
“There’s no place for us on earth... Perhaps there was once, I don’t know. The fact that we exist is no justification. Hunters drove wolves from the world. I thought if I revealed our existence that hunters would drive us from the world too. But it wasn’t to be. My brief career was a string of illusions. No one believes in us. And that’s how it’s meant to be. Perhaps we are to die of despair, to vanish from the world very slowly, and without a sound.
Only I can’t bear it. I can’t bear to be quiet and be nothing, and to take life with pleasure, and to see the creations and accomplishments of mortals all around me, and not to be part of them, but to be Cain. The lonely Cain. That’s the world to me, you see- what mortals do and have done. It isn’t the great natural world at all. If it was the natural world then maybe I would have had a better time of it being immortal than I did. It’s the accomplishments of mortals. The paintings of Rembrandt, the memorials of the capital city in the snow, great cathedrals. And we are cut off eternally from such things, and rightfully so, and yet we see them with our vampire eyes.”
Lestat’s suffering is born from his humanity, and that’s what makes his belief in his inherent evil so awful and tragic. He says it here himself, that the world to him is the world of man. Not the natural world, but the accomplishments of man, art and science and human creation. When he had his existential crisis, back when he was mortal, the natural world and it’s seeming meaninglessness made him despair completely. His ONLY solace was in the beauty of the human will, his only port in the storm was to cling to the human ability to give OURSELVES meaning through our own creation, through our own wills and our own purpose. To create something good, out of the chaos and pointlessness of the universe. But Lestat was robbed of that ability when he was made into a vampire. He was cut off from that human world he found his only solace in. He was forever separated from it. His very nature then was that of a predator, feeding off of human life to give himself pleasure, to make his meaningless existence better. He felt, as a vampire, there was now nothing he could do to give his life purpose. He simply existed now for no reason, as nature exists for no reason. This is the very source of Lestat’s torment. His inability to matter, to anything.
“Why did you change bodies with a mortal man?”
“To walk in the sun again for one day. To think and feel and breathe like a mortal. Maybe to test a belief.”
“What was the belief?”
“That being mortal again was what we all wanted, that we were sorry that we’d given it up, that immortality wasn’t worth the loss of our human souls. But I know now I was wrong.”
“I’d much rather be a vampire... I don’t like being mortal. I don’t like being weak, or sick, or fragile, or feeling pain. It’s perfectly awful. I want my body back as soon as I can get it from that thief.”
“My greatest sin has always been that I have a wonderful time being myself. My guilt is always there; my moral abhorrence for myself is always there; but I have a good time. I’m strong; I’m a creature of great will and passion. You see, that’s the core of the dilemma for me- how can I enjoy being a vampire so much, how can I enjoy it if it’s evil?
And yet, again, his experience in this story, the misery he goes through as a mortal man, is so terrible, that it drives him to want to return to his immortal, vampiric form, and that desire to escape his misery by becoming a vampire once again reinforces Lestat’s belief that he’s inherently evil. He thinks he can’t possibly be good, because he’s convinced now that his desire to be a part of the human world, to be able to do good in the world, was a lie. It wasn’t. That part of Lestat, that desire to matter and to do something that matters, to do good, was always real. It’s STILL real. But because he wants to escape the fear and horror and misery of being in this weak, vulnerable and sick body, he thinks he must have always wanted it, and that he’s been lying to himself this whole time about his guilt, about his feelings of remorse, about the pain he feels over what he is. Again, none of that is a lie. Lestat’s pain and remorse is as real a part of him as anything. But he’s always been made to believe by those around him that his will, his perseverance, his refusal to accept defeat, is a destructive force, an inherently evil force. His enjoyment in being a vampire, his embracing of his vampiric nature, his reveling in it, is a PRODUCT of that will and perseverance. It isn’t because Lestat is evil. It isn’t because he always wanted to be a vampire and just didn’t care about the death and misery being a vampire caused. It was that Lestat, no matter what situation he’s in, no matter how hopeless or impossible the odds seem, or how miserable his conditions are, will always make the best of it. No matter what the situation is, Lestat will always fight through, because that’s who he is. He has an incredible will and an incredible ability to hope and to endure. But he convinces himself here that his taking a horrible situation and making it work for him (being a vampire) is because he’s just a very bad guy. Truly, truly, this is tragic. I can’t even put into words how tragic this is.
I find Lestat’s sexual encounter with the nun who nurses him back to health incredibly revealing, when comparing it to his sexual encounter with the woman from the cafe.
Lestat ends up forcing himself on the woman from the cafe because he was in a place of horrified fear and disappointment and misery, brought on by how utterly unprepared he was for being mortal again. He was approaching everything with the attitude of someone who was still a vampire, who still had his vampiric abilities, and in finding those abilities gone, had become incredibly hurt and exposed, stumbling into countless errors and bad situations. He barreled into that encounter with the desperation of a man trying to salvage just one, positive experience to match up with what his memories of what being mortal was like. Everything leading up to it was frantic, and tortured and lonely, laced with panic and terror and uncertainty. He doesn’t think of the woman or what he’s doing because he’s so sunk in his own misery.
By contrast, his experience with the nun is the complete opposite. He’s thoughtful and considerate and careful with her, painfully aware of himself and holding himself in check, making sure he doesn’t hurt her. He’s become used to being in this human form. She’s nursed him back to health, shown him incredible kindness and acceptance, spoken with him deeply about God and philosophy and shown him understanding and no judgment. Everything seems better to him suddenly as he begins to recover. The food tastes good, where before it tasted like glue and salt, the warmth of the bed he’s in feels wonderful, it feels good to drink wine. He’s experiencing the high of recovering ones health after a near death experience.
He isn’t approaching this sexual encounter with her the way he had with the woman from the cafe. There, he was still unprepared and unable to accept his new found mortal limitations. There, he was still in the mindset of the vampire. He got so sick in the first place because he wasn’t able to let go of what he was used to, and had been used to, for the past 210 years of his life.
Here, he’s accepted and understands his limitations now, he’s almost died, and he’s recovered, he’s been mortal for several days and several nights now. He’s let his human nature take over again, and that human nature is leading and guiding him. He approaches her like a mortal man. It isn’t the thought of blood that arouses him now, it’s her living warmth and flesh.
“No thoughts came to me of the blood drinking; no thought at all of the thunder of the life inside her which I might have consumed, a dark draught, at another time. Rather the moment was perfumed with the soft heat of her living flesh. And it seemed vile that anything could harm her, anything mar the common mystery of her- of her trust and her yearning and her deep and common fear.”
“A wave of protectiveness passed over me when I looked at her sleeping face, when I thought of the soft distracted look I had seen in her eyes. Even her voice was tinged with a deep melancholy. There was something about her which suggested a profound resignation. Whatever happened, I would not leave her, I thought, until I knew what I could do to repay her. Also I liked her. I liked the darkness inside her, the concealed quality of her, and the simplicity of her speech and movements, the candor in her eyes.”
“Had it been a union? Were we one with each other in this clamorous silence?
I don’t think that it was union. On the contrary, it seemed the most violent of seperations; two contrary beings flung at each other in heat and clumsiness, in trust and in menace, the feelings of each unknowable and unfathomable to the other- the sweetness terrible as its brevity; its loneliness hurtful as its undeniable fire.
And never had she looked so frail to me as she did now, her eyes closed, her head turned into the pillow, her breasts no longer heaving but very still. It seemed an image to provoke violence- to beckon to the most wanton cruelty in a male heart.
Why was this so?
I didn’t want any other mortal to touch her!
I didn’t want her own guilt to touch her. I didn’t want regret to hurt her, or for any of the evils of the human mind to come near her.”
Lestat is so convinced of his own, inherent evil now, brought on by his desire to get out of the horror of being mortal, that he doesn’t see what he’s like when he’s not a vampire. He wants to protect this woman, he sees the beauty in her, and is gentle with her, and kind to her. He wants to repay her for her kindness, and he admires her for her goodness. Lestat doesn’t see that this is his human nature, a nature which still exists within his vampiric form, but which must battle with his predatory vampiric nature.
The greatest tragedy of this story, of this experience for Lestat of being mortal again, is in how it’s made him lose belief in his own humanity, in his own goodness. And that tragedy is really driven home in moments like this, where we see that humanity, where we see that goodness, but we know Lestat himself is absolutely blind to it, convinced instead of his own monstrosity, mortal or vampire.
This exchange between them really says it all
“Come, lie down and sleep. There’s time for me to heal and for you to be certain it’s what you really want. I wouldn’t dream of forcing you, of doing anything cruel to you.”
“But why, if you’re the devil, can you speak with such kindness?”
“I told you, that’s the mystery. Or it’s the answer, one or the other. Come, come lie beside me.”
Lestat was once like this woman, Gretchen, wanting only to do good in the world, to make some sort of difference through acts of good. He’s still that person, deep in his soul. It’s why Mojo loves him and hates Raglan James, because the dog could sense the difference between them, despite Lestat being a vampire. But Lestat’s been too long a vampire now to ever be fully human again. He can’t go back to being mortal.
The mystery is that Lestat is a good man who once refused to be turned into a vampire despite his overwhelming fear of death and its meaninglessness, but who was turned anyway against his will, and so who’s inherent goodness now must forever be at odds with the inherent evil of his vampirism.
Lestat’s visions of Claudia, the conversations he has with Claudia are, I think, Lestat having a conversation with his own conscience. And when he comes at last to this conclusive belief in his own evil, there’s this exchanged with Gretchen
“There is a secret reason you came down to earth,” she said, “that you came into the body of a man. Same reason that Christ did it.”
“And that is?”
“Redemption,” she said.
“Ah, yes, to be saved. Now wouldn’t that be lovely?”
I wanted to say more, how perfectly impossible it was to even consider such a thing, but I was sliding away, into a dream. And I knew Claudia would not be there.
Maybe it wasn’t a dream after all, only a memory. I was with David in Rijksmuseum and we were both looking at the great painting by Rembrandt.
To be saved. What a thought, what a lovely, extravagant, and impossible thought... How nice to have found the one mortal woman in all the world who would seriously think of such a thing.
And Claudia wasn’t laughing anymore. Because Claudia was dead.”
He says Claudia isn’t laughing anymore at him, that she won’t be there anymore when he dreams, because she’s dead. He really means his own conscience is dead. His humanity is dead. That’s what he believes.
That’s the tragedy of Lestat. That’s what makes this story so powerful and so heartbreaking. Truly, this book is brilliant.
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Have you ever been in a DV relationship? If so how did you survive it and move on?
Yeah actually my first boyfriend was abusive in every way possible. I really thought I was going to die in that relationship. I remember I just turned 18 and before I knew it he was in my blind spot and had complete control over me. He moved into my apartment within a few weeks of meeting. We broke up many times and got back together. Probably for years we would sneak behind our friends and families backs. It was kinda a blessing and a curse that he lived in the state next door. It was nice when we were broken up because he was like 5/6 hours away. But the cops were called off and on. I have a vivid memory of going to South Dakota with him, his bestfriend passed away from a drinking and driving accident and my ex blamed me for it. I just ran out of that house because I knew what he said wasn’t true. He just wanted to put me down. He followed me around this neighborhood in his car and grabbed me by my hair and forced me in his car. I mean it was mid winter and everything was super icy. That was a moment that I will never forget. I was so close to making it to safety and here I was in his car again. His demeanor when he was upset and behind the wheel was one of the scariest things I’ve ever experienced and I didn’t have a car at the time. I was basically stranded. I remember my parents drove all the way to SD to come save me. He threatened to beat my dad with a baseball bat if they took me away from him and I STILL stayed. I think the next day got worse and I had to secretly email a family friend to pick me up and he drove 5 hours to come save me. My friend called the cops and the cops picked me up. I still met up with “D” for a few times way later but the same scenario kept happening. Im really really surprised im still alive honestly.
I barely survived. This relationship took a toll on me for a really long time. It was probably my hardest break up. It took many attempts to leave and try to fix things but nothing could be fixed. Once you see that side of someone- it’s poisoned. Trust issues will rise, things will continue to get worse. So when you see that side of someone you can’t unsee it. There was no official break up we would continue to see eachother. It was my worst mistake. He did some really fucked up things that will have me mildly traumatized for the rest of my life. You don’t want that. Life is too short to stay in relationships where you aren’t valued or respected. Time and you’re own strength is the only thing that will heal you. The sooner you leave the sooner you can get through this process you know? I’ve found so much comfort in being alone now I really don’t need anyone Actually im scared of most ppl
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