its 1am and after a long hard think I’ve decided that it’s actually kinda sad that i feel some of my older more conservative relatives can’t read goud or see it of anything becomes of it

(this isn’t on main bc i don’t have readmores on this mobile version of tumblr. if i can edit one in i will.) cw mental health talk & some negative self talk. and religion woes. and pandemic mention. and cancer mention. wow we are filling up the cw bingo card.

not to blog on a blogging site but the jumble of emotions rn is making me go berserk. i hate being trapped here. the natural environment where i’m at is so beautiful and calming and healing but it gets usurped by the Im gonna Die In Here vibes emanating from my parents (read: mom).

she yelled at me today because my cat was having zoomies and burst open a door upstairs that caused a loud bang and woke her up. i was on a call so i didn’t see her angry texts and apparently that set her off and she stormed upstairs to blame me for the noise. when i said it was Jasper she just got frustrated and said the meanest thing she could think of, which was ofc that I need to get a real job.

i’m sorry im not fucking hireable and still under your roof like i don’t know what to do :( i keep applying for jobs and getting denied or passed over and it’s like. you don’t think that’s frustrating for me?? is it because i don’t show it (bc you taught me how to suppress emotions to keep them safe from you?!!!) like i’m. aough.

sincerely last month i could feel the kms ache creeping back (i have normal depression but in extreme duress the pre-ideation sneaks in again) due to being stressed and the insurmountable hopelessness of it all. i’ve been equal parts guilty and frustrated with myself as well as with the state of things. had a breakdown bc it’s my birthday in a few days and for the first time ever i’ve felt this Dread with it coming. it was like at this year milestone i was supposed to have been out, on my own, doing well and thriving, but like i’m just. here. i don’t want to spend it with my family i just want to curl up alone or drown you know cixhxbdkdks ugh.

those are side tangents. the interaction was so laughably funny like bc i Happened to be awake when the crash happened means I’m failing at getting a real job? like at its core I cant help but laugh bc wtf. but you know in the aftermath i’m just shaking bc it’s so evil and gets exactly at my insecurities and guilt and inherent worthlessness and then it makes me Angry for myself that someone would dare use those to hurt me like that.

it’s such a tangled mess of things. i’ve been scared of being kicked out since i was a kid and realizing i wasn’t religious, i was gay, and that i wouldn’t have any financial support necessary to live if they got tired of me (in that order). they get pissed at me for not spending time with them, but don’t want to see or hear me or think about me unless it’s on their terms. like i’m a doll. or a hermit crab. or yup a houseplant. they don’t support my art and never have (unless it’s making what they deem to be acceptable amounts of money). they don’t think any of my interests are cool or fulfilling even if they are for me. the only thing i do for them is the bare minimum of chores and mail their letters. i’m a blight to their perfect successful family and an embarrassment when people ask about me. But Also I can’t go get a normal retail job or like leave the house to do Anything (unless it’s an errand for them) because what if I get exposed while i need to take care of my Very Paranoid and undergoing cancer treatment & surgery Grandma. that would be so unfair to her :((((( So like which is it.

i just hate living in this toxic environment and want out so badly but have been failing and keep failing at getting a job since i graduated. it translates to all this self hate and frustration because i like, should have Just Done Better or majored in something useful or i dont know not been such a depressed and anxious fuck up.

I know that isn’t being fair to myself or my mental illnesses or the State Of Things and The State of Things 2: Global Pandemic. But maybe if i had less morals in their eyes I could have been rich off of bitcoin making my own tech start up and restructuring the UN from the inside-out…and not a pest animal living in their attic who creeps downstairs to get food and disappears.

I know it’s going to Suck tomorrow and I don’t want to go to sleep and/or wake up and deal with it. I have half a mind to think I’m gonna be woken up at 7 with ice water to the face like I’m a kid again and it’s Time For Church.

Closing thought thesis i guess is that i’m just frustrated and angry and scared.

She is so open minded because she doesnt listen to "mainstream science" and Im the most close minded person ever because I don't believe in Deepak Chopra's voodoo quantum magic. via /r/atheism

She is so open minded because she doesnt listen to "mainstream science" and Im the most close minded person ever because I don't believe in Deepak Chopra's voodoo quantum magic.

my grandmother was visiting this week for Christmas and was driving me around to run some errands (I'm 15 and cant drive) on the way she was talking about the "natural vibrations" that essential oils give off and how they "their vibration frequency lines up with our organs natural vibration frequency and they can help to heal us". She is a nurse and thinks she knows everything about health. I told her that "natural vibration" isn't real because for something like a liquid oil to vibrate it needs to be acted on by a force. she then proceeded to say that I was wrong because it was science and asked if i had listened to Deepak Chopra. I told her that he was a liar and a scam artist. I know who he is from professor Dave's video on it. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aQTWor_2nu4&t=347s) . within 2 minutes of watching the video she goes "I'm not gonna listen to anything this guy says because he probably doesn't even believe in god so everything he said is invalid because he is just out to prove that there is nothing spiritual about the world at all". I told her that that is a dumb thing to say and that just because someone doesn't agree with you on one topic doesn't mean that nothing they say is correct. She proceeded to say that in this case it does because " your entire way of thought is based on whether you believe in god or not because that is at the very base of everything." I told her that that wasn't true because there are theists and atheists who agree on certain subjects. she completely brushed that off and said that I was close minded and wouldn't accept anything outside of my worldview. I told her that I would accept any idea that was substantiated and demonstrable. She said that that wasn't true because essential oils have demonstrable effects and that that was a bad way to think because the bible says you have to have faith. That was pretty much the end of the conversation. I don't believe in god for the same reasons I already laid out but she doesn't know that. It really stresses me out that she is someone who influences many peoples medical decisions. Especially because she has told me before that she dissuades people from getting the covid vaccine. I am not vaccinated because she influenced my mom who already believed that is was bad and now will not allow me to get it. None of my family has it. She really influences my mom when she is around too. My mom agrees that she is crazy but not to the extent that I do. For a few weeks every time after we see my grandma my mom goes full religious fundamentalist mode and starts to believe all these conspiracies and now its affecting my health as stated with the vaccine. She went from being pretty normal until she started talking to my grandmother more and went from pretty normal paying for The Daily Wire and reading the Epoch times. Its all weighing on me and I hate feeling that the people in charge of me are frankly idiots.

Submitted December 29, 2022 at 01:44AM by CyberCypherYT (From Reddit https://ift.tt/bFN1pIS)

I just spent like the last hour writing a very long post explaining my personal issues with my religion and how it affects learn to be and tumblr deleted all of it! But since I actually want to talk about this in an online space where there are people with many experiences and haven't heard me talk about it before ill try and give a short version.

Tw: religion talk, suicide mentions, homophobia, transphobia, just anything queerphobic, pet death mention, self harm mention

I grew up catholic with two not catholic parents and one catholic grandma. My mom went to church with me and my grandma and my family is very open and accepting of me and my identity. I was sent to Sunday school cause you have to if you want to get confirmed and being confirmed is a big thing for catholics. And at Sunday school they shoved a lot of bullshit down my throat about how it was wrong to be gay. How I either had to have sex or become a nun (im ace and do not want to be a nun thank you). Transphobic shit (I feared for my safety if I came out). Bullshit like that but there was more. They told me how to vote and if I didn't vote that way I wouldn't be considered catholic. They told me to tell my gay friends they were going to hell in order to "help" them. They told me when I was depressed and suicidal that one, it was a sin to have those thoughts and that I needed to repent and do penance for it. They also told me that unless I became a Saint I would be physically tortured in purgatory for years until I properly repented all my sins. And then once I was in heaven the only thing in heaven was to bask in the glory of God. That's it. No talking to friends and family, no petting your dog (they litteraly told one girl the day after her dog died that her dog wasn't going to heaven), no talking to saints! Just basking in god for eternity. The end. Or you go to hell where you'll be horribly tortured forever. They also kept doing this thing where you were supposed to offer your pain up to God, so any time you were in physical pain you would give it to God? They'd also tell us stories where Jesus would tell people to remove parts of their limbs if it caused them to sin. I'm not actually sure what thats supposed to mean and the Jesus part was probably supposed to be metaphorical but my depressed brain took it as the go ahead to start self harming. Which isn't the churchs complete fault but its another bad association I have with the church, which is what this post is about.

So basically I have all this bad gunk in my head associated with catholicism. But I've also spent the last 19 years identifying with and participating with only catholicism. So my mental and spiritual health are all twisted up and confused with religion. So I've taken the different parts of my feelings about religion and put them in Heather, jesse, and Jester.

Heather is the bad shit church did to me and put in my head. She believes all the garbage.

Jester rejects the church, all of it and believes that when you die you just die. There's nothing left. Just a body to decompose.

Jesse starts off a strong believer but then figures out in the eyes of his religion hes considered wrong, has a crisis that continues to the end of the story.

Now that's the only religious stuff I have planned so far because (i really don't want to type out the long explanation again but long story short catholicism highly discouraged me from learning about other religions and im not ready to completely let go of it yet or maybe ever I dont know) of spiritual reasons and just the way I write. I can look at other religions academically but if I try to write a charecter believing in a religion in the way I view in academically it feels stiff and wrong and not how I want to represent something. And im not sure how to write someone really believing in something I dont believe in for reasons that aren't artifical, like, I grew up this way so I am this way. Because if I write it that way then the charecter will probably end up in the same position I am and I dont want every charecter feeling that way just because I am. I hope that makes sense. I plan on all five of the main charecters having some sort of belief system and I plan on having noah and malcolms beliefs based on real world religions (not elena because her parents beliefs are a tangled messed up knot and no real religion should be associated with that). But I cant write it into the story now. And I hope that by the end of the story jesse will not be in crisis but since I still am and have found no resolution I dont know how to give him peace. I would be thankful for any advice anyone has or any questions about how the one religion I have planned will work in learn to be :3

Ouija boards 2

I originally wanted to post about the Ouija board itself 💕 Before I even begin to consciously put that description out into the universe I really REALLY feel the need to stress the reasons you should not be using an Ouija board or spirit board in general 😓

I want to preface this with the fact I am aware people have good experiences with Spirit boards and Ouija boards. 😮 I, 100%, acknowledge that as a fact- sometimes you do get good spirits that come through. I do want to make note of- you aren't speaking with any angels. You aren't speaking with divine good. I'm gonna say 9/10 you get someone more malevolent that means you harm or wants something from you. 😔

If you are deciding to use a spirit board I really want you to not only keep how to use it in mind, but the consequences of using a board as well 😳

This was suppose to go up more edited on Wednesday at around 5:20, I'm not good with tumblr and probably messed using the queue up. I apologize for that. I am leaving my wording how it was posted in the main body. I use "Demons" loosely as more malevolent spirits, although they are really not the same imo. I want to note really briefly- that my experiences are not yours, for all I know most people probably take my posts like they are just stories to read. I'm fine with that and happy I entertain in some form. My experiences are mine. They cant be valued more than your own paranormal experiences to other people. I'm not here to debate with the paranormal community, I'm here to help out regular people who believe in next to none of this. It may not be for you.

The most IMPORTANT thing to note is- You have absolutely no clue what you are talking to. 😤 You have no clue the reason behind this entity contacting you, no idea as to what the intentions are and no real way to delegate a conversation with entities. You can ask it questions, yah sure, you get some answers, but that doesn't mean you get answers to the questions you ask.

There is a responsibility and energy you carry as an individual using an Ouija board. The brighter you shine the more entities you'll attract. (Moth to a flame so to speak) You are fully responsible for what you attract and what you let in.

You are also responsible for opening a door you cannot close. A lot of people do not accept responsibility when they mess up with things pertaining to the spirit board among other ways to contact the other side. It's a door you opened, along with anyone else who used the board. Please take responsibility for that door.

You are also responsible for the people you participate with. You are responsible if something happens to them, you are responsible if something follows them, you are responsible if they get hurt, and you are responsible if they die.

If you open a door, you should figure out what kind of damage control you can do. It's not something you can close back up 9.5 times/10. In my opinion, that space now has an invisible open door way for things to come in and out at their will. It's pandora's box and you opened it. That is your problem to now attempt to control. Moving sometimes doesn't help you, things will follow you if it is attached to you. If you sell a home with the KNOWLEDGE you OPENED something you can not close or control and you put other people unknowingly into that space where harm can come to them, just know you'll get burned for that. If you leave an apartment/home/townhouse because you opened something and refuse to take care of it, just know you passed the responsiblity you took when you decided to use a spirit board onto other innocent people who have no clue what happened in the space. You are sending them a situation, completely blind.

There are PLENTY of resources, first hand accounts, and books on the subject of why you shouldn't be messing with one. It's never worth it and the risks greatly outweigh the benefits.

I just feel like I should say this specifically. If you go to an Ouija board for lottery numbers, personal, or financial gain- just know that will come back and bite you 10 fold. Sometimes when I was little, we did not have food in the house. My mother never saw that as a way to survive and you shouldn't either. It's not going to gain you anything but a black mark on your spirit because maybe someone needed that lottery number more than you did. You're making a conscious effort to manipulate the universe to your own will to only benefit yourself. It's not just morally wrong, it's not just selfish (in some cases) you are opening up a line of communication with the demonic specifically. The demomic always call back for their "payment" whatever it may be.

You can gain almost nothing from a spirit board secession but something now in your space. I've seen some secessions have next to no information gained and a waste of 4 hours because time got lost. I say time got lost for a reason. Sometimes you just get bs'd for a few hours and tbh I think that's kind considering what you're probably speaking with.

You can easily open yourself up and become possessed. No one believes this because it's not something you hear everyday but it can happen. Even if it's for a fraction of a second. The end goal for them is to obtain a vessel. If you become their vessel do you think that demon is going to personally care it's using YOUR body as that vessel? I'm here to tell you that no, it probably does not and yes it can happen to you or even me. They do not care you have grandmas funeral tomorrow or mac and cheese you to make for the cook out next week.

Demons lie. If you didn't know they lie pretty often. They can change form and change their story. Most of the time they don't care to keep their stories consistant. They can tell you fact about things only you and your bestfriend know. They can lie and say they were alive. You can't make them tell the truth either!

I would do your own research on whether or not this is a good decision for you personally. If you do this in your home, wouldn't you feel bad if it broke someones favorite thing? Or hurt someone you love? Or for god sakes something harms your animals? Do you think things from the other side care about your cat/dog/lizard? They do not. I would NEVER EVER want to see my cat harmed due to making a decision like that. There are risks, rewards and consequences when using this as a tool to communicate to the other side. The universe would not make you use an Ouija board to speak to your dead family members that you miss dearly. I don't believe the universe to be that cruel.

Some demons see the use of an Ouija board as a direct challenge. They will invite themselves in if its powerful enough.

These things also go for any demonic game. I'm sure many demons use the midnight man ritual as a means to get out into the open, or invited in.

Also if you use your blood for any demonic game or put it onto an Ouija board- its now attached to you. 🤷‍♀️ you used your blood as a binding contract to whatever decided it wanted your blood. You let your blood be up for grabs and something took it. Don't put it out there in the first place. You can't escape those sort of things, if you can its very difficult to accomplish.

You don't have to be religious for 'demons' to show up. I don't consider myself a part of any certian denominations of Christianity. To some degree, there is proof certian demonic energies become reactive around Christian idols, Christian artifacts and Christian Churches. That is any denomination of Christianity- I'll try to really dive deep into that over the next few weeks to give you a better idea with facts.

Those are the main reasons I can give you as to why using a spirit board really gets you nowhere. 😅 I think the main thing a spirit board ends up doing is it scares a lot of people away from the other side and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to anyone, especially something as avoidable as this. You have to make reasonable and responsible choices when using tools to contact the other side. I believe deceased family members come into your dreams to see you or they'll come to your home and visit you. They won't make you use an Ouija board. That's just the way I believe though- 😅

Again as always, if you have an questions, concerns, thoughts, my DMs are always open and I'm willing to answer any questions you guys have! 💕💕 I'll always try to point you in the right direction and help you to the best of my ability!

Anyway-

kawaiigirlgoingghost out

Alright bois and gals, here’s my personal opinion on the series finale of Star Vs 

(And I am so open to debate anything if y’all stay civil cause jesus christ I’m tired of all the raging hate I’ve seen over theories and opinions on a cartoon)

-I don’t really like that they painted destroying magic as the only option? Or that magic has caused all their problems? I mean really magic itself hasn’t done anything, it’s been a select few individuals with it. 

-Personally, I would’ve liked maybe if in the end, Meteora somehow did like what Star did when she “rebirthed” magic, resulting in a new kind of magic with a monster element to it. 

-I will always hate how Glossaryck was written. In the early parts of the show, it was more “I’m going to beat around the bush and not help you directly so it’s a learning opportunity for you while you figure it out yourself”, which seemed to be the best way to teach Star really. But then later he just became a burden and an asshole. He could've helped so much, and I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually knew of some way to beat Mina. I especially hated all the time they made him act like a newborn and only say “Globgor” just to suddenly “snap out of it” and take off. 

-Marco being impaled but it literally having no consequence? Like, really?

-Why did Tom instantly get his memory back, while Moon forgot hers for a while? Like I was hoping to shame Star and Marco more about forgetting he existed for a while, honestly. 

-I.... don’t know how to feel about Starco? I originally only shipped them, and I still kinda do. But I have to admit, the parts where Star and Tom interacted while dating felt more lovey and cute compared to the recent ones with Star and Marco? Like I still felt more of a “best friend”  vibe than a “dating” one I guess? Not that that’s bad, having a relationship where your partner is your best friend is ideal really. But idk I loved how they showed Tom and Star together (when Star wasn’t being selfish) and also kinda would’ve liked for a show to have their girl and guy leads stay friends instead of ending in a relationship. Although maybe the more romantic feel from Tomstar came from how much Tom absolutely loved Star, even if she didn’t have that same level of love back, so maybe whoever Tom does end up with would have that same stronger feeling? And I still really dislike the whole “I loved you from the start” bullshit. There’s SO MUCH PROOF against that, and it should’ve been a “you're my best friends and I have been slowly falling for you” thing. 

-I do NOT like the merging of Mewni and Earth cop-out they took. First, it causes SO MANY problems left unaddressed- space wise how does that work, how much of Earth did Mewni replace, what about people or building or wildlife that were in the places that suddenly became Mewni, or vice versa for those spots on Mewni that became Earth? How will this new world function, with Mewni being ruled by a queen and Earth (at least the part we see) being democratic? How will the monsters be treated? It just causes so many problems just to have a simple way for Star and Marco to remain together without magic. 

-Also, what exactly is and isn’t magic? I mean Ponyhead seems pretty fucking magical to me, being able to float and their kingdom floating and all that. What about Tom’s powers? Better yet, how is tom able to get between the Underworld and Mewni without a portal? Are the doors he opens not magic? What separates monsters from magic, since magic was always a part of Mewni and the monsters before the first Mewmans arrived (which I theorize from Earth through the portal, but)

-What exactly makes Eclipsa’s magic “dark”? What part of it caused the black contamination of the magic? Also, if it has been there ever since Moon cleansed herself there, why did it only now start causing problems?

-I don’t like that Star and Marco risked everything- basically willing to die as long as they were together than live with their many other family and friends- by jumping back into the magic. They didn’t consider how it would affect everyone? Also, when Star wakes up back in Mewni, she’s not immediately sad or panicked that she didn’t die with Marco or that they’re now apart. She’s in the same situation she would’ve been in if she just hadn’t gone back through the well, but she’s not more upset than she would’ve been regardless. I guess Marco at least panics at first about where Star is, but then it’s much of the same. They both did this big dramatic gesture and thought they would die and then just kinda... glossed over it and went back to the original outcome? 

-And back at Tom, jfc Star owed him a HUGE apology for forgetting him there and she sees him and it’s just. Not mentioned. I just really hate how they basically pretended he didn’t exist from the moment they were zapped out of the magic dimension up until they saw him. I mean Star even went to gather her friends to fight Mina and no mention of she couldn't find Tom? 

-Meteora using butterfly form was cute and all but. I mean what was she really doing? She cant like.. speak yet? So she couldn’t have been doing the whispering spell? 

-Also while I loved the scene with Solaria accepting Meteora and Eclipsa’s decisions, it logically doesn’t make sense. She hated monsters with a passion, it was her legacy, and she even showed disdain when she saw Star in the grandma room, probably in part because of Star’s acceptance of monsters. I guess you could say she loved Eclipsa and her family more than her hatred for monsters, but ehhh idk, it just felt underdeveloped. 

-Then again, the entire episode felt underdeveloped. It felt crammed together. I understand they’ve got limitations on episode number and length but still, for a series finale it felt lackluster. Not to mention, it left open and caused so many more questions and issues, and not like small ones either. For example, there was a lot I still had questions for in Adventure Time, but I felt content with the ending because overall it showed a lot of closure for everyone, and you could sense a path of how it would continue even without the story being told. Star vs just... doesn’t feel that way? I can’t clearly imagine where it is going, in fact they just created a HUGE blank slate with this new merged world. You could say that’s nice for head-cannons, but it just feels too incomplete to me. 

I’m sure I’ll think of more later or when I rewatch the episode, but. Overall it just felt kinda underdone and rushed in my opinion, and there’s a lot of short ways out they took that felt not thought through completely and just made as a convenience to center on Star and Marco’s relationship. 

Side Character In My Own Life

People always say that we think of ourselves as the main character of our lives' story. But I don't want to be the main character. All I want to do is be the side character in the back round that occasionally helps or gets a bit of screen time then I go back into the back round. For as long as I can remember I never really had dreams or ambitions. All I wanted was to work a normal decent paying job and get what normal people have with a wife and a family. If you want to call that a dream then go for it but to me it is the bare minimum. I know a lot of people don't have and maybe will never have that. However, I figured I would eventually find that “happiness” I know it isn't normal to feel and think how I do. I absolutely love being alone and spending time by myself if it is watching videos or playing video games I know I’m depressed and oh boy it's not fun. But when I go out with people, I’m always trying to be the “class clown” funny guy. I guess the thing people say about the most depressed people try to make others happy because they know what is like to truly be sad and depressed. I’m selfish, though, because I do some what enjoy the attention. Though when people then try to give it to me, I don't know, it just makes me feel wrong and I dislike it. Then I’ll go and distance myself, because I have abandonment issues, but we will get there. Many people have tried to be my friend and get me to go out with them, but I just refuse. when I was younger i just made excuses but now that I’m older i just tell them the truth, that I don’t want to go out, because I found that totally honesty is the best thing, at least to me. I know I take it to far though and just end up being an asshole. I don’t pretend to try and care about stuff and people when i really don’t, I just tell them that i don’t care and that I’m sorry but they should really talk to someone else. But when I see someone who is truly sad and struggling I cant help myself but try and cheer them up and help them. Usually, I end up pissing them off or scarring them with my brutal honesty and my solutions to their problems, mostly because they don’t like them. Anyways that’s just a little about my character. My actual story is kinda sad, but I don’t see it that way. My family always says I handle things well and make them laugh. I think that’s because all I know to do is joke around and try to make people smile. I have always had a pretty small tight circle. When I was little, I didn’t have a lot of friends but enough to be considered alright. I basically played any sport I was allowed to. So that made things easier to make friends. You know. Similar things to bond over and what not. But I lost many friends throughout life just like most people. Even some of my closest friends. Either from moving away or me messing things up. This is just one part of why I don’t get close, though. Another is because of my father. He passed away when I was eight on thanksgiving morning. I was staying at one of my friends houses that I would eventually loose. Due to me loosing a parent while i was at a friends house for almost a year i refused to spend the night not at home because i was scarred id loose my mother as well. I’m not gonna pretend to remember everything about that day because I don’t. But from what i do remember without peoples help hurt for awhile, hell maybe it still does but I’m just so numb i cant tell. Anyways, after loosing more friends and becoming more and more colder. Plus getting bullied, nothing to serious just normal kids stuff, added to that. Eventually, I made “the friend group” the one that you start spending everyday together along with causing trouble and of coarse getting into it. We were honestly so much alike it was basically like we were the same people. The 3 of us were together for a couple of years, and it was a swell time. I knew that some stuff we got into was just not right and we shouldn’t be doing it. I won't get to into it but fighting, drugs, and crime. I don’t know what else you expect from a teenager raised in the south suburbs of Chicago. But I expected better of myself. Even so, with being burned so many times it felt nice to have a new family that was consistent. Eventually, it expanded as most families do. As boys will, we had some fall outs over girls but in the end we got back together and fixed our issues. The core remained the same for quite awhile. But good things must come to an end. One of the main 3 of us started to break off and we just kind of let it happen. Not long after that I found a girlfriend who was my dream girl. Smart, funny, irresistibly adorable. She had dreams and ambitions. Everything I never had. Much to the dismay of my friends she started setting me straight. No more fighting was rule number one. To be honest I didn’t have that many issues with it because I never really liked it that much anyway. Plus I’m rather short so now that we have grown I know I wouldn’t be as good as I was when I was younger and more or less the same size. Next was crime, I stopped stealing and vandalizing stuff. Also didn’t have a problem with that because again I knew it was wrong but just kind of went along with it. Finally was drugs. I have basically tried everything from cigarettes to cocaine and heroin by the time I was 15. Which was when I met her. Usually, I just stayed to the calmer stuff, though, so I figured it wasn’t that big of deal but to her it was. So for the special someone I thought id never find I figure it was worth a shot to stop everything. To rewind a little bit, before her time, I started to connect really well with my grandpa on my dads side. When my dad was around, we were really close. A distanced between us grew a little after he passed. But because he and my grandmother were getting older and couldn’t do what they use to I was there to help and be there for them. We began to get really close. He had an accident one day and broke his hip, because my grandma was bed ridden and all other immediate family had moved away my mother the saint she is stepped up and offer to help them for awhile. During this time my sister and I which didn’t get along at all lived by ourselves for like 7 months. To her if I was alive and she had an idea of where I was things were ok so I basically lived in the “trap house” of my friend group. After I got my new girlfriend though I didn’t feel right being over there. Most because of the drugs and a girl that was there who was a real problem but that’s a story for another day. Now going back to the present. My girl and I were happy. I had gotten my act cleaned up, and she was the ray of hope and sunshine. After 6 months of being together, we were on the way to visit my grandparent with my mom. My girl had basically already become part of my family. I never have brought a girl around them till now and they all loved her. So we got there to visit and as I usually did I went running ahead to wake my grandpa up and make sure he was decent. When I got upstairs to his room, I found him laying on his bed dead and my grandma barely clinging to life. A week later my grandma passed away when we decided to take her off life support. In the coming weeks she was there for me the entire time even though her mother who absolutely hated me for my past refused to let her see me at times. I was a complete mess and didn’t want to step foot in my grandparents house again. So cleaning it out to be sold was real interesting. As time passed I just distanced myself from basically everyone except my girl. I don’t know, the fact that she was there when I found them and the fact that she could leave whenever she wanted but chose not to was something that stuck with me. For the first time when stuff got real hard and uncomfortable, she stayed so I formed a special bond to her. I started working a couple of months later and making decent money for a kid as a server. Saving for the future and everything. Cause to me I wasn’t just saving for me anymore I was saving for our future. Although I was still a kid and would spend a little to much once in awhile nothing to ridiculous just a big gift or dinner. I just wanted to make her happy, so she wouldn’t leave too. But because of everything that has happened in my life, including some stuff I left out of this, I become such a numb person that I never talked about my feelings or stuff that truly mattered to me, and she hated it. Its not like I was an open book before but I at least told her some stuff. Now I didn’t tell her anything. I tried to do everything normal couples would do of talking bout our days and so on but I never talked about me on the inside. The only time we would ever fight, and I mean ever, was when she would beg and plead with me to open up to her after all we had been together for 2 years. But I wouldn’t. I would give her the smallest thing just to get her off my back. I graduated and knew I had to find a job for the long term that paid really well, so I could work towards our future. Then I did, a great warehouse job moving heavy boxes all night long. I loved it, doing hard manually labor and not really having to deal with people and those I did deal with were quite pleasant. I found it, the job I wanted, being the background character and just working hard. I always knew I didn’t want to go to college. Id just find a good job and be fine for life. But for her that wasn’t good enough her dream of being a vet and going to college was what she wanted to do since she was little so of coarse I encouraged her to go somewhere nice and get a good education. Not because of me but with my support she went and got accepted to a nice vetting school. Of coarse I was proud of her but I couldn’t help but be worried about the future so I began to distance myself knowing thing may not work out and to avoid the heart ache of someone leaving again I wasn’t being the best I could be. While at work one night a very heavy box fell off the top of a semi and landed on my head. Now I played a lot of sports, including football like I said so I thought nothing of it and just went back to work even though others were completely terrified for me I thought I was fine and didn’t want to ruin our safety streak. A week later I started suffering from really bad headaches and began throwing up uncontrollably. Thinking about it I just figured I had the flu, but it wasn’t. After not being able to work without throwing up and wanting to die from my headaches we started going to doctor after doctor and getting a procedure or two done we still had no clue what was wrong with me. During this time I became the most I depressed I had ever been in life. I was bed ridden and could hardly if ever go outside without the fear of puking in public. So I isolated myself in my room. Because my mom the saint is a hoarder I never brought anyone to my house and I mean absolutely never, but being the kind girl she is my girlfriend began coming over and for the first time since before my dad died my family regularly had a guest. Of coarse it was kinda gross to her but she didn’t care she got to look after me and make me feel better. But then the time came for her to leave for college and for the first time since my grandpa passed I shed a couple tears. The things were doing alright for awhile but after finding out a couple of things about what was wrong with me things took a turn for the worse. I found out that I’m allergic to 29 out of 31 main environmentals not deathly allergic but bad enough to cause some of my problems. Which means going outside is actually bad for my health. So I stopped going outside almost all together. This took an even greater toll on my relationship even though she was 5 hours away. I became even more depressed because I could no longer go out and play basketball with an old friend of mine which was one of the things I got to do because I worked so much and could only see my girl on the weekends. I was completely alone the only person who my family accepted into our house had left and I couldn’t really go outside without becoming more sick so I was stuck in my room alone. So I spent my days playing Xbox with close friends I made thought the years. This was the only thing to make me happy and bring me up out of my down mood. Well, my girl didn’t like that I spent all my time out of bed playing video games cause she figured if I could do that then I should be able to do something more productive which she wasn’t entirely wrong but because I don’t open up I never really told her how bad my health actually was. When she was over, I always tried my best to keep in good spirits but I couldn’t hide everything. She caught me throwing up a lot it didn’t seem to bother her. So I can only assume she didn’t know how bad things really were. I was always tired and sad and throwing up. And we didn’t have all the answers yet. so as you probably guessed we ended up breaking up which destroyed me but we did have a couple talks in the psst about how i need to get my shit together but she had had enough and was ready to move on. I cant blame her it must have been really tough being with me. Hell I know it was. Her entire family hated me an wanted nothing to do with me no matter what I did. They were always on her back about me, and I don’t blame them either. I didn’t eat anything for 4 days, and I didn’t talk to anyone except the friend I played basketball with because he was the last true friend I had after cutting basically everyone out. Fast forwarding from that super depressing stuff. A coupe months later we found out what was actually wrong with me. On top of having real bad allergies, which I started getting treated for I also had brain damage from the box that fell on my head. The damage was on the frontal lobe where all of our emotions and responses are held. So they chalked how I was acting up to that. I also suffer from post concussive syndrome. Which I’m sure it didn’t help but it only made how I was already worse. Due to doctors recommendation I saw a therapist for a bit, but I know what is wrong with me and I’m extremely logical so she couldn’t help to much but she did help me get a little better physically. I know that may sound strange but she did. Because of her I moved out of my moms house even though I’m scarred that my sis and mom wouldn’t be able to take care of some stuff the mold and dust which I’m allergic to wasn’t good for my health. Thinking my ex might want to hear all the good news I decided to tell her but she couldn’t care less. The warm caring person who was there for me for so long was officially gone and never coming back. So using the inheritance, I got from my grandpa I’ve been living on my own for a year. Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that I’m entirely alone with having no one to talk to, but I still have my Xbox friends and I try going out once in awhile. Not trying to make new friends or anything but just getting out for my mental health. Now that my basketball friend has gone off to the military, I’m truly alone with no one to talk to. I know I could talk to my mother and family but like I said my sis earlier and i never got along, and for my mom. She may be a saint but this isn’t something for her to deal with. She has her own medical problems going on and for the past couple years I’ve been the rock of the family. The truthful one who would help if you asked but would hide his true thoughts about things. I don’t know why I decided to put my life story on here but if feels good to open up and let everything come pouring out. Hell I don’t know if anyone will even read this or how this site entirely works but it give me a place to put everything, and I kind of like it. Opening up and talking about myself. I don’t think I want to be the background character in my life anymore. Living for other people and not wanting to do anything with myself. I don’t know what I will do with my life or myself for that matter. I’m only 20 so I do have a ton of time ahead of me to decide. Thanks to my grandpa I learned what it was like to be a man and I also learned a lot about myself. If it wasn’t for him, I never would be able to move out and live on my own and start working on myself. I learn so much from the people in my life and tried to imitate them to be normal and live a decent life. But it if time for me to be myself, not forgetting the things I learned or picked up on from other people but building on them and adding my own on top of that. Cause no matter how hard I try I do not believe I could ever forget the people who made me who I am. All of the side character in my life helped shape me the main character.

So had a follow up with my psychiatrist the week after I brought up my very valid and well backed concerns about being on the autism spectrum, and he brushed me off completely. “Even if you are, from what I’ve seen you would be VERY high fuctioning anyway.”

Like wtf. Does he not realize the amount of physical and mental exhaustion I go through daily to suppress every symptom and act like I’m “normal” ??

The hours upon hours I spent in my room at night watching “social etiquette” videos and videos on basic human behaviour and conversations and meticulously studying human body language and social cues because I don’t fucking understand it?

Every social interaction is an act. I don’t know what’s going, it’s all a front, it’s literally acting. If you asked me a question about a social interaction or asked me to role play something, I couldn’t. Because my ability to communicate is based on watching people’s body language and giving them whatever they want in the conversation and playing to whatever they want me to say and what they want to hear. Because that’s the only way I can keep a conversation going. I have to keep it one sided so I’m not expected to genuinely contribute sincere conversation.

Because when I talk about something I’m interested in I’m “going on and on about the same things” and “I sound like a broken record” and “I’m not making any sense and jumping all over the place.”

Like I can’t express emotions because I’m always worried “that’s the wrong way to express this emotion”. I’ve literally googled “how to express X emotion” more times than I can count.

Like I hate my mom but I still rely on her for everything because “what if that’s not normal?” Or “I’m most likely missing something here and I’ll fuck everything up so I need an outside opinion to just tell me what to do”

I can be throwing up, fainting, and having trouble breathing but if even one person says “well I don’t think you need to go to the hospital” or “I wouldn’t go to the hospital for that” and I won’t go. No matter what I think. Because what if I’m missing something and that’s socially unacceptable?

And then stimming. I used to stim all the time. It was the main reason my elementary school teachers started trying to get my mom to look into an autism diagnosis. And then my mom used to shame me for it and say “that’s not what normal people do” so obviously I suppress it now. Which is hella exhausting and stressful.

And overstimulation. Loud noises, flashing lights, more than a few people talking at once, etc etc. Will set me off and I can barely function. It happened at work when I was luckily working stocking and not a till and I had to take my break early and lie and said I had a panic attack because something was beeping loudly in the bakery and I couldn’t handle it. Even though it does that multiple times a day. We went to a show and they had strobe lights and I had a meltdown and had to leave early and my mom called me an embarrassment. Even though no one saw and I left alone and just bussed home so they wouldn’t have to leave.

And talking to my psychiatrist he’s trying to explain every behaviour and issue I told him with a separate diagnosis. Like you can diagnose every single separate symptom as a different mental illness all ya want buddy, but I don’t think my karma is bad enough to be getting the “13 for the price of 1” mental illness blowout sale.

Like all symptoms relate to basic autism symptoms. All my experiences relate to nearly every experience I’ve found from talking to actual people who are diagnosed with autism and forums online. I’ve had multiple teachers suggest it numerous times.

I can’t relate to none of these countless mental illnesses he’s trying to explain each separate symptom with aside from anxiety and anorexia.

I don’t have social anxiety. I don’t have any issues with social interaction. My manager praises me almost daily on my communication and customer service. I can talk down any “Karen” you throw at me. Why? Because I’ve literally trained myself to do it and it’s all an act and I’ve spent YEARS meticulously studying how to react to any social situation you can throw at me. And if a new situation comes along or I don’t know how to react to something, I shut down. I cant function. I can’t hold a conversation. I can’t keep up the act because I haven’t studied that particular situation and if I try and “wing it” aka do what normal humans do, I’ll likely say something wrong or insensitive that I think is right and fine and fuck it up. I don’t fear social interaction. I fear having a situation thrown at me that I haven’t “trained” myself to handle.

I have massive trouble with empathy and relating to other people or “putting myself in their shoes”. Like you could come tell me your parent died and I wouldn’t be able to react and just shut down because I know that that would mean they’re upset. But I can’t comprehend how they feel. Because personally I don’t feel upset so it’s hard for me to feel empathy because Its not making me upset and socially I know they’re upset because when your parent dies obviously you’d be upset, but I just can’t relate and be empathetic because I’m not personally feeling it. And I feel like this is a bad explanation that’s making me out to be really insensitive but idk how else to describe it 😂.

When I was younger it used to be so much worse. Like when I was 14 my grandma died. And I was very close with her. But my response was “yes it’s very sad. And I’m upset”. But no crying. No outwardly sign of being upset. I just kinda shrugged and went Yea it’s sad, now what? And Ive blamed it on the meds I was on for years but am recently realizing after talking to a pharmacist friend that it likely wasn’t the meds as those ones don’t tend to have that effect. And not to that extreme.

Like I stopped taking my anxiety meds that were very effective and needed from above the maximum dose (different rant about my moms abuse through medication) to nothing literally overnight because of having no other explanation for these issues I was facing and no other solution as I couldn’t get help because my mom refused. I went through a week of withdrawals and then have had severe anxiety ever since then. And have had an irrational fear of any medication for anxiety or depression because I’m worried it might make that happen again and have refused 3 different ones from my psychiatrist because of this fear.

But I also realized that when I stopped taking my meds is when I also started meticulously studying human behaviour and social cues and the socially acceptable response to emotions and basic empathy every night and started up the act. So things got “better” because of that. Not because of my stopping taking the medication.

So much has been coming to light lately after conversing with people online and from autism forums and my own research and The one person I thought would be able to actually help me and got my hopes up two weeks ago just brushed me off and told me that even if I was on the spectrum I seem to be high function enough that I shouldn’t even bother looking into a diagnosis” and then trying to diagnose each symptom as a separate mental illness.

2017

my year, reviewed

i tried some cool new things. i went out salsa dancing for the first time. tried going vegan, and stuck with it (for the most part!). i tried to learn how to read tarot. taught myself to sow. read more. took a stronger interest in genuinely just learning about stuff, as much as you can. i love learning.

i did some things that took guts. i came out to my family. i quit a job i hated.

i did some random but awesome things. i went with Watson student leaders, which i’m not even a part of, on a trip, and didn’t let the fear of not knowing anyone stop me. studying abroad gave me the courage to just, do stuff. went to st. louis, Missouri to observe an international school, refugee school, Waldorf and Reggio Emelia school. 

i became even more passionate about working with children.

i surprised myself. i started out afraid of a field experience with 2 year olds because i had no idea what to do with that age. i ended up become extremely passionate about working with 2 year olds, and pretty much fell in love with it. i was terrified of all of my field experiences this year actually, and ended up loving each one. i was scared to be placed in kindergarten cause i thought i wouldn’t be good at it. i ended up loving it. i was scared to work in a child development center with special needs because i’m not experienced. and i didn’t like the teacher i was placed with. but i ended up exceeding both my professor’s expectations. i did a really good job, and i fell in love with working with the children as always. 

i’m proud of a lot of my accomplishments. i reached out to the summer camp, preschool, and afterschool center Sola to see if i could possibly volunteer. for the sake of just missing being around kids. i volunteered every day in the summer. the director told me i have a good energy to work with kids. i came back through the school year once a week. i genuinely, whole-heartedly, and completely loved my experience there. and they even wanted to hire me

i got a job that i like. it’s not my passion, but i’m doing a good job at what im supposed to do there and i’m proud of that. my boss tells me i have maturity and poise and the members gravitate towards me and that i’m just doing an awesome job.  

i experienced so much joy. spending time with my girlfriend and my friends, and volunteering at Sola. i got to spend my birthday with Krista which is a tradition i wanted to keep on going. i lived in Wilmington in the summer again and went to the beach and swam in the ocean as much as possible. my friends from home visited me and we swam in the ocean. 

i matured in some ways. adult things i guess. i got a credit card. my first real apartment that’s off campus. i took interest in decorating a room and creating a space that feels like yours. i used to not value that. i love my tapestry.

i stopped going out all the time. that really kind of stopped for the most part in 2016. but in 2017 i finally accepted myself as i am with it. i learned to say no to a lot of things. i learned to stop making excuses and i don’t have to explain myself, ever. i take pride in being a homebody. look at all that i’m doing and accomplishing, without having to deal with hangovers, and the money i save. i used to feel so obliged into going out (clubs and bars) because of societal expectation. i think it’s a waste of time for the most part. but going out salsa dancing is fun, i’ve decided that. going out to do actually fun things is awesome, if i can stay awake for it.

i am confident with myself, more than ive ever been. i think studying abroad created a lot of that confidence. ive learned that pride isnt a bad thing and how to have a healthy amount of it. im proud of myself for a lot of things. im proud that i came out to my family. im proud that im comfortable in my skin. im proud that i dont give in to others’ expectations about how i should spend my time. im proud that i love to learn. im proud that i am extremely driven. im proud that i dont let others judgements about being vegan get in the way of doing what i know is right. 

i made friends in my classes. i became more social in that manner - talking to people in my classes. i love them. i learn from them. 

i did things for others, and made others happy. i taught children new things. i helped a 5 year old boy reclaim his love for the color pink. i wrote my grandparents long letters and my nana hugs hers everyday and my grandma was almost in tears when she saw i wrote her a personalized 3 page letter

....

and finally, i asked out a beautiful, amazing, talented, incredible, passionate, strong woman. the truest love i’ve ever had. it hasn’t been perfect, no we had a rocky start. but we didn’t give up, and i’m so incredibly happy to be with her. she loves me so much and i love her too. we rode out most of 2017 together as partners. it’s pretty remarkable because i’ve never dated a girl before, and i’ve never been in a relationship this long before. ive never been in a HEALTHY relationship for that matter. this woman actually values me, respects me, and has my best intentions at heart. if i could take back all the times i hurt her and our fights that were my fault i would. she deserves the best and i cant wait to continue to love her in 2018. im in love, honest. what’s remarkable about it is that i didnt know if i ever had the capacity to love someone this much, or be in a relationship this long. ive always struggled with balancing the idea of being free versus being with someone. in 2018 i’ll have to figure out if i can have both. it’s hard. it really is hard sometimes but this relationship has taught me a lot about being in a relationship and that relationships don’t have to suck or ruin your life lol. i really am happy. 

...

2018 will be...  an internship and figuring out my first next step after i graduate

A SINNERS TESTIMONY     I gambled my life with  quick fixes I worshiped what the world  can offer an grew accepting to its wrongful ways and  eventually became empty/purpose  less Why is it the things we buy can never give us true contentment?  Why  the careers we put our lives into never seem to fulfill our true  purpose of life? Why friends you trust most were  never truly your friends? Why  do we self medicate through drugs Alcohol and  material things?  and all the others ways  of escaping the truth? You ask yourself why because the answer  is never clear, never there  and never absolute. But the truth is drowned out by excuses, self pity, and  denial. Our weaknesses enslave us to a troubled mind and an empty heart. I know  this well because it comes from not my own understanding but the  understanding Christ has given me. I also know this  well because it was a way I  choose to live, who I became, my faulted purpose. Throughout my life, even as a  child, I took refuge upon my weaknesses. I didn’t feel  like going to school, so I  didn’t do it. I didn’t feel like going to bed, so I stayed up. I didn’t feel  like taking responsibility so I didn’t . there was not structure going up  an This is how I  justified my actions, and my coping mechanisms later down the road…    MY  CHILDHOOD     as far back as i can  remember i grew up in a house along side my nan my dads mother  me and her were close we  used to do everything together she used to always take me places and buy me  things anything i needed i  would just go next store an ask and 9 times out of 10 she would hand it to me or  give me the money for it.. growing  up i was mostly at her house and playing baseball on a team i was always playing  sports with the guys and sleeping over there  house and just doing guy things even though i was a girl i never grew up around  girls or really had girls that were friends,  as years passed my nan she used to be a worry bug i remember every night i slept  over she would always look out her window  because she didn’t want something to happen she was very cautious and always watched me threw the window when i played outside with the boys  and she would always yell if she lost sight of me she would yell for me and i  would always have to worry about her watching me and me and  my bestfriend Sal we would be out until the street lights came on and she would  be out there yelling as soon as it got dark nothing would get  by her ..    SCHOOL  LIFE from kinder care that  little red school house i always remembered going to lol funny how you can  remember things and the simple things you cant  remember but my schooling i never  really paid attention i was everywhere and as i grew older the school work became  harder and i really didn’t have any help with my  homework had my nan maybe my  parents helped me out with it but mostly i remember i had a tutor and that stage  of my life is pretty blurry to remember …but entering   high school that year of 7th grade  became really bad it was from 7-12 grade at cocoa and it was a mix of kids and  of course i fell with some bad people and i started fighting  an talking back to the  teachers and for that school year i basically sat more in the police officers  office and in iss then i did in the classroom office ripole was her ��name she would always have to  come get me from class because i would act out or not listen… in school not  sure what school i was at but i was around 15 i got a random call for  me to come to the office  and my mom was there and the look on her face was just spooked like i knew  something was wrong and she held back tears from me and i was holding my slip to  go home and she told me in  the van that my nan was in the hospital and she wasn’t sure if she would make it  or not…. my heart sunk i didnt know why something could happen to  her i never knew anything  could happen to us i was so naive to the fact we could die and in the van on the  way to the hospital a country song came on by mark wills one more day with you..  it spoke about how we wish to have one more day with our loved ones who  passed an etc…. well on top of that and having issues in school they told my  mom to basically pull me out beforethey expell me and i  couldn’t go to any school in the county so she took me out       THE BEGINING TO PROBLEMS   My nan passed away  4-8-02 of a heart attack/ heart problems i lost someone who used to watch over  me 24/7 even when we was asleep she would have a light on or something on so she  could always see what was going on..  i knew she had bad heart burn but she would always just say she had bad acid she  wouldn’t tell me much more but after her passing i took a down hill spiral i got  a dui at age 15i got arrested but let  go to my sister i spent over 10k on probation and classes to take and i lost my  license over 5 yrs because the dui and driving without no license  that was just the  beginning to my problems . .i had curfew in the county i was in and i used to  always get picked up and taken home by the   police and they would always tell me Ms. Calvert your young we don’t want to see  you in jail when your older you need to start listening or this will be your  life. Of course i ignored all that who cared right? all i  could see and remember is how i last looked at my nan before the night she  passed away she looked at me and smiled her smirk and i just looked at her evil  and looked down an just wanted to know why she was smiling in  that time … my younger days i spent in a daze i wasted away in a trap the  devil set for me ..after my dui i was always in the ” hood” i thought that was  the cool place to be at 15yrs old running the streets  smoking drinking nothing could phase me right.. wrong… alcohol is truly the  essence of evil the devil sets upon the weak.. in my eyes…so after the passing  of my nan i got a tattoo on my forearm of praying hands with faith  written. Because she used to read me some of her black bible before bed but i  wouldn’t pay much mind to it     MY ADULT  LIFE from 18yrs old till  current problems just stacked  with more problems and the only people i had and felt safe to talk to was my  friends because god forbid i tell my dad or someone anything we didn’t have that  closeness my sister could open up more with them not me i  felt because every time something arises it was me getting yelled out for  something so i shut off that communication and seeked it else were… i continued  to keep partying i used to go out every tue and Thursday for free drinks  and yes i would drink underage because i had older friends that snuck me  drinks..i used to spend weekends and weeks in Miami and Miami beach i lost my  job because partying became my job the person i was staying with was a big  drug dealer and we used to go to the best clubs there in hit vip and she would  always buy me drinks and anything i wanted i saw so many walks of life … at  one point i saw how bad drugs can take someone i was around them so i  continued that..i got in some trouble for driving with a suspended again and had  to do community service at a church… they would judge me of course because  they knew why i was there and i remember always  wondering why people go to church  just to judge like i never had god in my life so i didn't understand any of that  …so after that i continued and soon after that things become bad i was kind of  locked up if you want to say as my grandpa was in the hospital dying  literally and my probation officer knew i drove to my probation and she was  calling the cops on me so the held me and i called my mom as she was on her way  to the hospital to come get me because i needed to say  goodbye to my papi i couldn’t not  be there and i had to drive to probation at that time i had no other choice …  so i got out in time and that day he passed away and from my nan i never had a  chance to say good bye so i held my papi hand in the room by myself as he was   basically no breathing he was breathing every so often and i just held he’s hand  and told him i love him and I’m sorry and that i love my nan and they just told  me to tell her goodbye to so that’s what i did and i just couldn’t  understand things that was happening …then of course i went back to the same  things i was doing for years     THE  CHANGE years passed then my  grandma she kept our family together she never judge she was a believer she was  fine before her surgery after her surgery things went down hill with her  health she had cancer and she  over months you just saw such a lovely strong women who tried to be strong for  others start not being strong anymore.. she would always try and tell me to stop  drinking to stop worrying to stop what i was doing because she cared  but i couldnt i didnt know how but that was her wish for me to stop drinking an  smoking an running my life and worrying about others in the family that didn’t  love me she always said you have one that loves you and that’s enough you  cant help what others say about you the heck with am.. i always wished to be as  strong as her… she eventually passed away and that broke my heart and broke my  family as well we went to being close to not even talking now…  my mom took it hard so after her passing my parents decided to sell out house in Florida and we moved in 2016 to VA to start life over because Florida we were no  longer our happy place…. i was the 1st to get a job when we moved here  i told myself once i moved ima stop drinking whelp i started drinking daily again  and hanging out with a crowd up here that sold drugs and that was like my old  friends in Florida… after a year passed we were looking to move from an  apartment to a house/ trailer so we found one we liked online we called it ended  up being owned by a pastor i automatically was like nope.. but mom and dad  called and me an mom went and looked at it ..it was  nice I  wont lie but my  thoughts was like there going to judge me there going to say something if we do  get it about my drinking and smoking an etc… time passed we moved in nothing  was said they mentioned church there were extremely nice  but i was like ok but in back of my mind i was curious  but didn’t act on it.. months passed my dad and mom went they liked it they  invited me and i said no… then i saw a change in them and i was curious but i  was like good for them but imma continue to drink well a festival was  going on at church and the pastor was mowing the lawn outside our house an  caught me outside and just said hello and we got to talking and he invited me   and i said ok i would think about it because saying no to a  pastor lol i felt i couldn’t  do.. for some reason deep inside me it was wrong… well i got courage up and  went the next day or two i think it was and i went and just as i was getting  threw the morning service overwhelmed what people thought of  me nobody judged me …they  did an alter call and the pastor explained it because i didn’t know what a alter  call was i knew what last call was though but not no alter call… so once he  asked if anyone would like to come confess to the  lord there sins and etc. i  felt this feeling inside me to go like this inner voice im like……oh no in my  mind lol well i start moving and next thing you know i start walking down the  church isle in shame i had piercings in my nose in my  lip and in my eyebrows and i  was for sure someone was thinking something… but i just got to what they  called the alter and i felt this feeling and i just broke down and i just  started to cry and say sorry and please forgive me for  sinning and etc. and from that  moment i left from that alter my nose ring an lip ring came out and i finished  service and from that point on i left happy i left with joy…i couldn’t explain  it i was scared but felt different ….i felt trapped in the  devils trap for so long i felt i finally got broke free. Alcohol and drugs are  the essence of evil they supply you with a quick control but its false it lies  you  making you believe there is no way out making  you think the only way to  happiness in a broken world is through an alternate more enhanced reality those  days i spent in a daze i no longer can get back but the blood of Jesus redeemed  me and forgave me for my sins and now all that time  wastedi feel i owe it to the  lord.. yes I’m not perfect i have scares from the past but ive been sober for  8months i couldn’t do that you cant stay sober without the lords help. No  matter how far gone we think we’ve become there’s not a lost soul out there who can’t be saved by Jesus. No  matter how much we try to attain happiness nothing will give you absolute  happiness other then Jesus If your one of those people  who believes they don’t want  to be restrained to the laws of god, your only restraining yourself with a lie  from the devil. You will never be walking in truth not until you meet the  absolute truth. Since I’ve been following the lord my  problems didn’t disappear I’m still fighting a battle but I’m not alone..im fighting a spiritual warfare  because for so many years the devil had control of me he controlled me at my  weakest moments and for me to give myself to the lord and  still fight the good fight . i  feel soon the battle will be over because i rather fight the good fight then  fighting a fight with the devil that just hurts me more… sin is expensive and  since i was in so much sin i can now understand the  price of sin and what it cost  but with god on myside and friends that will pray with me and help me threw this  battle i believe in victory so if anyone else can get anything from this just  know there is a god and he loves us all no matter what we done in the dark  he is our light and will bring to light our darkest moments so we can stand in  faith and have the strength to pull others out the fiery pit the world gets us  sunk in 

okay hi first rant post on this blog but i have a lot of feelings and emotions and stuff to just type out all over the place.

so first off, i really want to be drunk or high right now. i know how fucked that is and i know how stupid it is to want to be drunk or high to take away my feelings, but fuck i really can’t handle my life being like this sober. i’m so hurt and unmotivated and hateful and so many other negative things and the only thing that takes it away when i’m alone like this is being high or drunk. i looked for alcohol earlier but there isn’t any in sight anywhere which fucking sucks. i’m sure my mom has some in her room, but her and nicholas are asleep in there and i don’t feel like risking waking them up just to search for booze.

speaking of my mom, i really wish things between us could be different. i’ve always felt so slighted and robbed that i didn’t have a great childhood and even now with the whole “my mom is my best friend” culture, i just can’t relate even a little bit, and honestly it really upsets me that i can’t relate whatsoever and get told by so many people that i’m ungrateful. i don’t even know what to think about her. sometimes i can say that i think she’s doing her best, but i know she’s not. she’s very selfish and demanding. “i cosigned on your student loans, you owe me this and this and that” or i don’t? since you’re making me pay you back anyway? she feels as though we should be so subservient to her just because she had sex, her birth control failed, and she ultimately chose not to abort me or my brother and keep us rather than give us up for adoption. that’s another thing: she’s told me i don’t even know how many times that she wishes she would’ve gone through with aborting me. do you know how that makes someone feel? do you have any fucking idea what it feels like to be told by your actual mother that she wishes she would’ve never had you? and even knowing that her and my dad were going to give me up for adoption until my dad said no because he didn’t want to have a daughter out there somewhere that he didn’t know. if not for him, my life would be entirely different. i don’t know if it’s a good or a bad thing. i don’t like looking back at things and wondering how they could be different because i can’t fix them, so what’s the point in thinking about the “what ifs”?

anyway i got off topic, but my mom. is so mean. she’s so emotionally abusive and manipulative but she’s so fucking ace at it that sometimes i have to sit back and wonder if i’m really positive she is or if i’m just wrong and reading into it. she is. i blocked out most of my childhood, so i can’t recall the things she used to do to my brother and i, but i remember it fucking me up. my grandma on my dad’s side likes to tell the story of the time when my mom went away to mexico for two weeks and when my grandma told my brother and i that she was coming to pick us up, i cried and hid. we retell it like it’s a funny story because if you just see it from a normal perspective, it’s just a silly kid wanting to stay at grandma’s. in reality, i hated being around my mom and former stepdad and felt extreme emotional distress knowing i had to go back to them. i also used to plan with that grandma how she could kidnap me from my mom’s house. i guess you can see those things as harmless kid shenanigans, but it was multiple things and repeated and i was in actual distress. and i guess that’s a common theme in my life with the adults in my life growing up writing off my distress and mental illness as just being a kid because what 6 year old is actually suicidal, yknow?

but my fucking mother. in comparison to her mom, she seems totally fine, but get her on her own and she’s just as bad in her own way. i do remember she and my ex stepdad used to make me cry and then laugh at me for being upset. she would come up to me when i would wear t shirts or shorts and pinch my fat and point out all my cellulite and flaws. we could just be sitting at a red light and she’d look over and narrow her eyes and go “you have a double chin and you’re not even trying to have one. you need to start doing chin exercises”. she wouldn’t let me go out or hang out with my friends until i was in my freshman year of high school unless she was able to call my friends’ parents and confirm every single last detail, and even then, she wouldn’t let me go half the time because she got a “bad vibe” and accused me of lying. her and my ex stepdad accused me of lying all the time, and i do have a problem with lying, but they would accuse me of lying even when i was telling the truth. they would LITERALLY MAKE ME FUCKING LIE TO THEM AND ACCEPT THAT AS “THE TRUTH” so what the fuck did they think was going to happen??? i got my first real life boyfriend and my mom accused me of trying to have sex and sleep around and i was literally 12?? i hadn’t even had my first real kiss yet and apparently “i want to go out on a date with my middle school boyfriend” is code for “i want to fuck even though i literally just started masturbating last week and haven’t even figured that out yet”. (speaking of, i probably should try and get off at some point tonight since i haven’t in like a week and before that, nearly a month and maybe i’ll placebo feel better? probs not)

but like even recently, every. single. fucking. decision. that i make is criticized. “you should get a second job” yeah with what car? and on top of the full time hours i’m already working at my first job? “if you would’ve gotten that second job i told you about, you’d be making so much money” yeah because i’d be working like 80 hours a week you fucking doorknob. it’s acceptable that i don’t hang out often with my friends (lol not really actually, i get told all the time to get out of the house because my brother is extroverted and social and i’m definitely not) but if i don’t see the guy i’m talking to (i don’t actually know what’s going on with that but i’ll get into that later) every single day, our relationship is trash and he’s abusive and a dickhead and i should be dating other people and finding some trashy clingy fuckhead to date instead who will send me a bunch of emojis and constantly drain my energy. fuck that.

the clothes i wear are all trash apparently. i dress like a slut. just so many horrible things every single goddamn day. but how can i possibly leave? i’m financially dependent on her. if i gtfo, i won’t have a place to live in my home state, i won’t be able to afford college, and i won’t have a phone plan or car insurance that doesn’t cost me a small fortune. if i cut my mom and her mom out of my life entirely like some people suggest, i lose my college education at the school i’m currently going to and enjoy going to, i become homeless, and i lose the benefits of a family phone and car insurance plan, respectively. as badly as i want to and as much as i think i would benefit from it, i cant right now. not to mention, i’d feel like such shit about myself for doing it because i know i’d be guilted by her for “betraying her” or some shit and so many people would tell me how horrible i am for cutting out my own mother. if i already get upset seeing people have happy and healthy family ties, how would i feel if i know i don’t have a mom to even try to reconcile with? it’s harder to cut out family members than some people like to pretend it is.

okay moving on to my friends. i would say i do have some friends. i categorize my friends in very specific and compartmentalized ways because that’s just what helps me draw boundaries and not get too attached to people who aren’t in the appropriate categories. i have acquaintances. acquaintances are people that i know of who also know of me on more friendly than neutral terms. they’re people i would recognize and say hi to if i saw them, maybe. (for my own reference if i get confused, think like david or bree or tegan) i have close acquaintances. close acquaintances are just one step above regular acquaintances. i can have little conversations with them here and there and maybe hang out once or twice, but i wouldn’t entrust them with anything real or beneath the surface about myself in any way, shape, or form. (think cara and kodiak and them) then i have friends. friends are people i enjoy spending some time with, but they’re not people i could have a deep conversation with. like i can hang out with them and have conversations with them but i would never go deep about my personal life, maybe just a little bit. (think lillie or carly). then i’ve got close friends who, as you can guess, are one step above friends. i seek them out and want to hang out with them more than everyone previously listen, for the most part. they’re the people i talk to the most and the people i hang out with the most. i feel more comfortable being honest and open with how i’m really feeling and my struggles (think jayden, carly, jessi, adrianne, skitch, maybe). then i’ve got the best friend tier. that’s the person i’m the most comfortable with. i can tell them absolutely anything without any fear of judgement and i trust them immensely. i don’t feel the need to talk to them all the time or hang out all the time even though i think about them and have them on my mind more than anyone else. that’s literally josh lmao i used to have a best friend, but she was an abusive snake so i cut her out and it was hard and it’s still hard when i see people praising her as if she’s never done anything wrong, but whatever.

the issue with all my friends except for josh is that they don’t understand how i work. i try to talk to my close friends about my issues and they make me feel worse about myself or my struggles. i try to talk to jayden and carly (who are supposed to be my best friends) about my relationship struggles with josh, and i get a “dump his ass, fuck his best friend, and then fuck your way through tinder you hot bitch” as a reply. that’s fucking stupid and self destructive and i’d hate myself absolutely as a result. it’s such an immature response i don’t even think i responded to it lmao or like when i came to them and was like “hey i’m very fragile right now and need support” and carly LITERALLY STARTED A FIGHT WITH ME and told me how i wasn’t doing enough and i wasn’t putting any effort into anything etc etc. my salt vault pals are great people to hang out with and joke with, but none of them do emotions or understand mental illness in the slightest. the best response i’ll get is a “boop” from thomas or an “eat some spaghetti and forgetti” from kellie. maybe if i was just normally sad, but yall come on now i’m clinically and severely depressed. i appreciate the effort, at the least, but lately they’ve all just ignored me when i’ve tried to reach out, so i just shouldn’t do that anymore.

literally the ONLY PERSON IN MY ENTIRE LIFE who is able to make me genuinely feel better is josh. i don’t know how he does it or how he manages to usually find that perfect balance between calling out my bullshit and comforting me, but 9/10 he can get the job done. he says he just talks logically, but he does it in a way that doesn’t get under my skin or belittle me. and god i don’t want to put all my baggage and problems on him no matter how often he offers or tells me to talk to him about anything and everything and although i know i’d be comfortable talking to him about it, i don’t want to scare him away or push him away or like hurt him or affect him in any way because of it. 

but like okay. i know how cheesy and stupid this sounds but my life is always better when he’s in it. before i met him, i was just kind of like existing in misery and i had accepted that i wasn’t going to get better or find actual love and that my closest chance would be to idolize celebrities. and yeah, okay, i did love alex. i could imagine a future with him and i could see us getting married and i cared and stuff (until he started treating me like shit and i fell out of love and realized i had been denying my feelings for josh for a year but WHATEVER), but it’s something entirely different with josh. i met him and even though we were just friends and i thought he was really funny and cute and had a big dorky crush on him, i started feeling myself become happier bit by bit and feeling more confident in myself the more i was around him. i’m sure it wasn’t the only reason, but when he told me he liked me too, it was probably top 5 moments of my life, not even gonna lie. i know how crazy and obsessive it sounds, but that first kiss i had with him i don’t think i can forget. it was the best kiss i’ve ever had and it’s burned into my memory. but i also don’t think i was too obsessive because when he said he loved me in his sleep that one time, i panicked because i wasn’t sure if i felt the same and saying it back wasn’t something i was ready for. i think that makes it more legit. and while when we officially dated things were far from perfect and actually quite shit for both of us, i think what happened was necessary for both of us to grow. i’m still hurting residually from it and he’s still hurting residually from it and i can’t forgive myself for hurting him like that, we’re both different and more understanding people now. he used to not be able to calm me down the way he can now. he used to just kind of feed into my panic and depressive and manic feelings by coming in too hard with calling me out or telling me to suck it up, and i only just got worse in those situations and they escalated into fights. i was mean to him, he was mean to me, and it didn’t work out for us then and there. what hurt me the most was that he fucked me and then stopped talking to me immediately after. i felt like actual garbage. i felt used and mistreated and dirty, and once he had officially left isaac’s and i realized he wasn’t going to talk to me again (despite telling me we could try again when i turned 18), i lost all hope and drive. i didn’t even want to just kill myself, i wanted to torture myself first. i drank all the time, i would skip as much school and class as i possibly could, i gave into my impulsive thoughts and actions, i cut myself all the time, i lashed out and was genuinely cruel and cold to people, i did a bunch of self destructive stuff... and i stalked josh’s social media. then i saw he got a girlfriend and i absolutely lost my shit. i tried to kill myself at least once a week and the days i didn’t try to, i was researching the most effective way to. even after they broke up or whatever (since he said they weren’t actually a couple and just went on a couple dates, so idk whatever i don’t care all that much) i just felt so lost. i applied to college because i wanted to see if getting far away would help me (sidenote: it didn’t on its own) as well as i just had this little gut feeling tugging at me that maybe if i faked it for four years of college and then at a job, i would make it. i think i tried to kill myself over 30 times my senior year of high school + the summer after. then josh fucking liked one of my art instagram pictures and i felt just like waves of confusion and hurt and so many things and it fucked me up again because i thought he was fucking with me.

then he reached out to me once i got out of the mental hospital (like i said, being away from home doesn’t fix the fact that i didn’t give a shit about my life and was indulging entirely in my mental illnesses without even caring to try and better them) and i slowly introduced him back into my life. we started talking again and picked up where we left off when things were good, talking and both obviously changed and matured but still changed and matured in a compatible way. when he fucking told me that he loved me when we were together, i cried. when he told me that he still loved me, i can’t even say what i felt because it was so many positive feelings all at once. i legitimately turned completely around overnight just talking to him ONE TIME. i can’t even tell you why. he even made it clear at that point that he didn’t think we could be in a relationship at that time, but even with that, i still immediately felt better and more in control.

and since we started regularly talking again, overall, i’ve gotten slowly, so much better. i’ve become much more confident and in tune with myself and my emotions. i’ve felt so loved and cared about and respected and appreciated more than i’ve ever felt in my entire life. he made me feel actual nothingness in the most tranquil and serene way when he said “i just want to see you grow as a person and be happy”. it was one of the best feelings of my entire life. in fact, the only times i faltered in this overall was when i was left doubting our relationship/friendship. 

look i know i can’t depend entirely on one person to be my rock, but it’s the only thing that’s ever worked for me. i’ve been to therapy for years, i’ve done medication for years, i’ve tried exercise, dieting, yoga, meditation, and nothing even comes close to helping me the way his presence in my life helps me. i don’t know if i’m being too overwhelming for him and if i am, god i want him to tell me. i don’t ever want to hurt him or stress him out or anything like that. and like honestly, just look at where i was two summers ago compared to now. two summers ago, he didnt text me for a day and i lost my shit. i could only handle three days before i broke. now, i went a year without speaking to him at all and now i can go a week or two without talking to him as long as i see he’s okay and alive. he’s the closest thing to a best friend i have and fuck i really do love him so much. and honestly, everyone gives me so much shit for our “relationship”, but i don’t want anyone else. like duh i’m still attracted to other people and i will always be thirsty for dan howell, but realistically, i don’t want anyone else. the thought of trying to be in a relationship with someone else makes me uncomfortable. i’ve mentioned this before but i did have sex with someone else and although it wasn’t something i really 100% wanted, it opened my eyes because even though it was with someone i am attracted to and have really wanted to have sex with in the past, it was just okay. like all sex is alright, but it wasn’t very far above the bar. the whole time i just wanted to be with josh for a multitude of reasons, including that the sex we have is honestly so fucking bomb every single time. i’ve had the best sex i’ve ever had with him and he’s the only guy that i’ve ever been with who has made it a conscious effort to try and get me to cum despite me being extremely difficult in that way. and he did it once like fuck man you go.

okay anyway that got off topic and although i recognize i still have a lot of work to do, my end goal if i get the chance to continue to be in his life and maybe wonderfully finally be in an official relationship like i’ve wanted for nearly a year at this point (solidly and unwavering, anyway) is to grow so much and gain so much confidence that i have that baseline of love and support that i’ve lacked my whole life to finally have a chance at getting better and being able to hold myself up mostly or completely instead of needing someone else to be there for me not to collapse into oblivion or in on myself. 

but here’s where the overwhelming fear and pain i’ve felt lately is coming from. i’m so afraid he’s leaving me again. i absolutely can’t handle going through the worst point in my life all over again. i understand that he’s got a lot going on, and i’m more than willing to give him his space, and maybe i’m just overthinking or giving into my anxiety and paranoia and intense fear of abandonment... but when he’s posting on social media and liking things like he’s totally fine or especially replying to other people and not reaching out to talk to me, it makes me feel like i mean nothing to him anymore. i know i need to have trust but i’m still hurting from the last time he left me and the only thing that eases that pain is when i feel more secure and can actually talk to him. and i recognize that he’s very kind to me when we’ve spoken and it seemed almost like when i first reached out to him that he wanted to keep talking to me, but the last time it seemed more like he was just trying to be polite. once again, maybe i’m reading into it but i’m so so so afraid of losing him again. not even so much so afraid of losing my chance at happiness but losing this amazing human being and not being able to watch him grow and really love himself is something i absolutely don’t want. and maybe i’ve just been really stupid hoping for a relationship after he’s said time and time again that he doesn’t want one, but i really think that he’s just struggling with some stuff and he’s afraid of being in a relationship and getting hurt again, but i won’t push. i’m more than content loving him and supporting him as just a friend from him perspective or whatever. i just really don’t want to lose him.

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

"My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

BEST ANSWER:  Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://saleinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr 

RELATED QUESTIONS: 

How much is it to add a second car to the insurance.?

im getting my first car and im wondering how much it would be to add it to my dads insurance plan.It is a 1990 firebird

Help with car insurance?

I was just wondering if instead of paying me (16) paying a 300 to 400 dollar car insurance payment every month under my name if it is possible for my dad to just put the car under his name and then have a waaaaay lower car insurance payment. Can we do this or is this illegal?

""I got a ticket for no insurance in Tucson, AZ!!!?""

My question is if I get insurance prior to court date can they dismissed the ticket or lower the cost? How many points is it to ur license and can I go to traffic school for it? Also it doesn't say the amount the ticket is, so I'm not sure what the cost even is.""

How much does flood insurance cost?

How much does flood insurance cost, as well as wind insurance?""

Found a nice place for those who need free auto quotes?

Hey there just wanted to let everyone know i found this great site for free auto insurance quotes, its saved me $32 off of my montly policy. Read some of the auto insurance articles to help you save more. Http://www.free-auto-quote.com""

Do you have to pay for insurance if you get your learners permit in California?

I am 15 and am getting my permit next week and I was wondering if I would have to pay for insurance if I drive my parents cars.

Affordable Health Insurance for a single mom?

Can anyone provide me with some information about getting an affordable health insurance plan for a single mother with a small child (2 and a half y.o.)? My wife and I are getting divorced. It is an uncontested divorce and we just need to figure out the support payment amount. This is the last variable. Also is there any way to keep them both under my plan at work after we are divorced? Any help is greatly appreciated! Thank you so much!

Is mutual insurance good?

One of the insurance brokers is asking for mutual insurance, I really dont know its good or not, If I ask him, he will say, its good to me. So asking you people. . Thanks""

Renters insurance?

What is a good company to have renters insurance through, that is still pretty cheap?""

How to become an insurance underwriter?

Im looking to move on in my career and I am really interested in becoming an Insurance Underwriter. I am currently studying for the CII FIT exam and was wondering what else I would require. Any help appreciated thanks.

Would you accept a job working as an Insurance Call Center Agent?

The job entails helping senior citizens all over the country obtain affordable insurance solutions that cover their final expenses and medical bills. The work hours are Monday  ...show more

Can anybody give a good estimate on how much my insurance would be for me driving a 2002 ford mustang?

Im 16 years old and i'm a girl if that matters. My mom will not let me get one but I really want that to be my first car. Also can you give me some ideas to convince her to let me get it. I really need the actual price of how much the insurance would be.

Would this be legal ? start own car insurance company and insure self.?

We were talking about the price of car insurance at work today about how the cost is becoming ridiculous. I came up with this idea its entirely hypothetical but it got me wondering if it was possible. Just say i started and registered a insurance business. I offered 3rd party only insurance to my close friends and family people that i know personally are careful drivers.Say 50 people get a years cover for just 100 and i insure my self for free. Now i know what you might be thinking what happens if some one has a bump? Well i have 5000 in the business account so it should cover minor repairs however and hear comes the is it legal part if someone puts in a large claim that i cannot cover.Say my grandma writes off some rich mans Bentley. I just declare the company bankrupt ! Thinking about it its not to different to what the bankers have been doing .

How much is SR22 insurance?

i have 18 pts within 18 months and i have to take an ADI course and get SR22 insurance, how much will it run on average each month?""

""Where can I find affordable dental insurance, that I can use immediatleywith no waiting period?

Im in the state of VIRGINIA :)

Short-term car insurance in California? Advice needed!?

I am going to rent a car in California for 6 weeks. I don't own a car of my own, so I don't have any normal car-insurance policy of my own. I do have a Visa gold-card, that covers collision damage waiver; but I wouldn't want to be without liability etc. Question: Is there any better deal I can get than paying the $10-$15 per day to the car rental company? Any ideas would be very welcome.""

Do porches have the most insurance rate?

Do porches have the most insurance rate?

Car Insurance in California?

Anyone know a good low cost auto insurance company in California? Someone w/ a suspended licsence that is now released?

Help with car insurance?

Can anybody tell me the best place to go for car insurance in the UK? For a young driver just passed?

How to buy insurance for short-time visits to USA?

Some friends/family are visiting USA for 3-4 months. What insurance is the best to buy?

Home insurance?

i live in southern california and my home value is 600,000. I pay 2,200 for insurance every 6 months. i think this is a little too high but would like to know if this is average. When i bought the house i was too excited that i didnt even talked to my insurance agent, who is located in Fresno, Ca. I do live near a school could that also be the reason why my home insurance is so high? Could the location make any different? Can i also change insurance or will there be a penalty? I have no clue? My insurance is through Farmer. thanks in advance!!!!!""

How insurance did you pay for your insurance and how old where you?

I am 17 now, and i want to buy a 125, on average what do you think i would have to pay""

Learner driver insurance.?

Hi, I'm just wondering if anyone knows of any companies that offer cheap learner driver insurance. One of my friends are going to be giving me lessons but I cant find any companies that offer insurance for me in their car that is like less that 60 a month! any ideas anyone?""

When does car insurance go up in relation to an accident?

I was backing out of a parking space, and the car that was parked next to me was closer to me than I thought, and I scraped the side of their car as I backed out. I left my information, and filed a claim with the insurance. My car was fine, hers was scratched pretty significantly. Anyway, I'm wondering how car insurance works in terms of covering things like this & in terms of increasing rates after an accident . Do the rates go up regardless? Do they go up a lot? Or does it depend on the severity of the incident? FYI I have never had any moving vehicle accidents or tickets. Any help would be appreciated...I'm kind of in the dark!""

Classic Car As A Daily Driver In Michigan?

I'm a hot rod & kustom guy, have building and restoring old cars for awhile now..love the looks of em and the feeling I get driving them, I'm opening up my own shop soon too. I drive a 2001 Grand Am GT and it's about to die 190,000 miles needs tires, brakes, bearings, engines making noises but for the price I paid and miles I put on it, it worked well. Now I need a new daily drive to school 72 miles round trip 2-3 times a week. I live in Michigan, was wondering what it would be like to drive an classic car as a daily...say a 1958 Chevy Bel Air with a 283 motor...the insurance is cheaper, easier to fix and find parts..but may be more in gas...just wondering if anyone drives a classic everyday and how is it in the winter...I'd have to figure out heat some how. I have many cars 1968 Caddy Deville on air bags, 1930 Model A Coupe hot rod, 1951 Mercury custom, 1956 Cadillac Deville...etc""

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

Insurance question?

I just bought a 2008 Honda Accord, exl, 4 cyl. I can't even drive it because I dont have insurance, what is the cheapest (most affordable insurance) I should get, i am 20 years old living in ontario california.""

Car insurance on a car i don't drive?

I live in Ft Lauderdale Fl, And i live in a townhouse in a gated commuity with a home owners ***, And i have two car's, The first car is my primary car and the second is never driven but i have to have insurance placed on it. Is there any insurance out there that is cheap for car's that are never driven. This car i wan't but i have not driven it for three year's and they want to tow it because i don't have insurance or valid tags on it""

What to do when rental car got damaged and I dont have insurance?

I rented a car from Enterprise and declined their insurance. I had credit card insurance. However I made a blunder of not initiating the rental in that credit card. While driving the rental car the tire blew out and the car hit the median and there is some extensive damage to the car. I am in deep trouble now as my credit car insurance will not work as I didnt initiate the car rental in that card. Is there any way that I can salvage this situation? Please help!!

My car was taken to the compound on friday in the uk when the driver was found to have no insurance.....?

However i have got insurance and so when i go to the station to have the form stamped so i can go to the compound and collect my car back, The police tell me i have to produce my licence as well...problem is i cant find it.. so i go to dvla internet site and order form to get a new licence....But this can take 3 weeks to come back and unfortunately the car gets crushed in 2 weeks, But the law says i can continue driving even tho i havent got my licence card ...because i do have a licence but its been lost and im waiting on my new one coming.A Please dont answer if you are only speculating on what you think you know i havent got time to read brain dead answers from all you dick eds on here. Nor do i want your personal opinion on the situation as it is a Question.. put on a Question Board wanting an answer...Not a message board asking for your opinion so use the board as it should be used and stick to the rules...answer the question ...if you cant ...then dont waste my time and yours""

How much would auto insurance be per month for a young married couple (25 year olds)...?

...no wrecks, no moving violations, great credit... we have 2 cars (1 new that we're still paying for and 1 old that's paid off). I know I can get an online quote, but ...show more""

Young (new) driver Car insurance?

Ok so i passed my test a few days ago and am now ready to drive. my mum owns the car, and my dad has insurance down on his name only (main driver). I called up his insurance company and they said they couldn't add me as second driver, i need at least 2 years of experience, but how would i get experience if i can't drive without insurance? derp.. Anyway, i looked at conventional comparison websites and the prices where ridiculous. So, my question is, if i was to start a new quote on my name only, would it be cheaper? and would it conflict with my dads insurance? if my mum transferred the car to my name would it come cheaper for me? and would that action conflict with my dads standing insurance?? im so confused and distraught, does my dad need to cancel hi insurance, make me the main and him the second driver?? please halp :)""

Mobile home insurance?

i am thinking about buying a 2008 single wide mobile home that is in a lot in a trailer park. anyone have a guess on what insurance might a month?? or do i need it?? Thank you

What are some good Business insurance in California?

I opened up a business and i need insurance and I'm looking for a good one with a reasonable price with workers comp and liability I live in California south bay got any you recommend?

My car insurance company raised my bill because my zip code changed.?

But I thought that in California they passed a bill called prop 103 that says that changing zip code should not be a base to raise the bill... I talked to the insurance guy on the phone who said that prop 103 never passed,yet when I'm reading about it in the internet,it says it passed..Am I missing something? Can I file a complaint to the consumers'affairs and the BBB in order for them to drop back my rate to my previous zip code? It's only a few dollars but it ads up at the end of the year..""

Will my speeding ticket raise my insurance?

Yesterday I got a speeding ticket in Cambridge, OH, my home state.Going 9 miles over, 79 in a 70. I have State Farm Insurance and this is my FIRST traffic violation. If i pay the fine right away, not having to go to court, will I get any points on my license or will my insurance rate go up at all?""

Teen Car Insurance.?

I am 17, and about 5 days ago I finally got my license. So now my parents are trying to look for insurance. I have to pay it, soo seeing as I only get paid minimum wage, does anyone know the cheapest deal for insurance when it comes to teenagers?? What I mean is like what company etc.""

What's the point of car insurance?

I've been paying my insurer monthly for several years. I have one relatively small accident where my damage doesn't reach deductible (so I have to pay for my damage out of pocket in full), they pay the other car which was around $1500 or so. They raise my premium for 3 years to an amount where in 3 years I end up paying for the other car anyway, and I still pay monthly as I have for all of the years before that... I'm trying to figure out how that's beneficial - outside of the fact that they paid upfront.""

What auto insurance offices offer reduced cost auto insurance program in the San Fernando Valley?

Details below if you do not know which one I am referring to? I'm not talking about the cliche low cost auto insurance that is available to everyone. etc...I'm talking about a specific plan offered by the state of California available at some insurance offices for low income individuals. I found one office with it, it isn't close enough, does anyone know of any more offices ? The California Low Cost Automobile Insurance Program (LCA): The California Low Cost Automobile Insurance Pilot Program, created in 1999, established a low-cost automobile insurance policy for residents of Los Angeles County and the City and County of San Francisco. California Law requires that all drivers be insured. However, too many low-income drivers remain uninsured because the costs of standard auto insurance premiums are beyond their financial reach. The programs purpose is to provide low-cost automobile liability insurance to good drivers who demonstrate financial need.""

Least Expensive Car Insurance in AZ?

I need to switch car insurance companies this month...I am currently with Geico...but its in ALabama...and if I stay with them and switch to AZ, my policy doubles!! I have two accidents and a ticket on there...So i realize I can't get it super low. But does anyone know of a really inexpensive company in AZ? Thanks!""

""I need good, affordable health insurance. Any suggestions? Do any exist specifically for Nursing students?""

I already looked into StateFarm and they quoted me at near $200, and that's just way too much. I need something that's gonna be less than $100.""

""We're going to vegas and will be renting a car, should we get the insurance?""

I've heard that getting insurance when you rent a car is pointless because your regular auto insurance will cover you, because insurance covers the driver and not the car. If we were to get the car insurance for the rental car, it would add an extra $250. Obviously our regular insurance has to cover us, or else the car rental place wouldn't make this insurance optional. Am i right? Should we consider getting the insurance?""

Is there a way to get car insurance quotes anonymously?

I'm currently shopping for a car, and I've whittle my choices down substantially. One of the factors that can make a difference is discovering the cost of insurance. Unfortunately, everytime I try to get quotes on the models online, every single insurance company wants my personal information. I don't want them to be calling me, flooding my inbox or mailbox with advertisements, or otherwise harassing me. All I want is a comparison between some cars. I would be willing to tell them non-personal info, such as the fact that it'll be one car and that my driving record is spotless; I'd be willing to prove the latter via an MVR after I select my insurer. If there are any ideas on how I can get this information without revealing who I am, I'm just not seeing it. Any help is appreciated!""

How much will my auto insurance rate go up after an acciedent?

i have lieability insurance and pay 55 a month

Insurance question?

When you move in with your boyfriend could you be put on his insurance, or would that only work if you are married?""

Have you ever heard of a Car Insurance doing this?

Have you ever heard of this before: I know a person who has car insurance with Allstate and they claim the following reason for jacking up their prices every 6 months when you pay the bill for the next 6 months. The Reasons from them are: 1-Because since you have allstate and when anyone else that has allstate also in your area has an accident where them and someone else is involved this will make your payment go up. 2-All insurance companies do this also where if anyone not involved in an accident say at home and someone else with the same insurance company as you have, if they have an accident even if your at home when this happens your payments will go up. My Father has had direct for i don't know how long but a long time and every time someone has a wreck that has direct and he is not involved in it he still pays the same amount he did last time before the other direct insurance people have a wreck. Please also provide the name of your insurance company as I want to make a chart of how many people answered and what insurance company they currently have or had. Thank you I'd greatly appreciate the insurance info that's all I would like for the chart not your name.""

Where can I get affordable temporary health insurance?

Where can I get affordable temporary health insurance?

Wells Fargo bought insurance for my truck?

Wells Fargo never received notification of insurance for my truck and ended up buying coverage for me (as there is an obligation to have full coverage). All I have to do is let them know about my current coverage and the policy they bought will be dropped. The insurance they bought for me, however, is cheaper than the insurance I have bought through the other insurance company. Can I just keep the insurance Wells Fargo bought for me? Is there a penalty for doing so?""

""Insurance Claim estimate lower than expected, what do I do?""

An elderly lady backed up into my car a few days ago and we decided it'd be best to file an insurance claim. After the claim was ruled in my favor I was sent to a body shop for an estimate of the repair. The damage was to the rear quarter panel of my car which consisted of a scrape across the panel and a quarter sized dent in the panel. The insurance adjuster gave me an estimate and check for 855$. My question is in regards to the repairs, I feel that since this is 100% the other party's fault and since I am the person who has to drive the car that I am entitled to the maximum premium in repairs. I have been reading on Paintless Dent Removal (PDR) and most will say that its the cheap way of making a repair. Does anyone know if it would be possible to go back and get a new estimate/settlement for a new rear quarter panel? Basically my logic is this, if you damage any of my property it should be 100% my call if I want to settle for a compromise or not.""

Does anyone know cheap car insurance websites for a 22 year old driver?

hi i am a 22 year old driver and i live in london does anyone know any cheap car insurance web sites?

Anyone Know Any Cheap Car Insurance For Teenagers In Michigan?

Anyone know a real cheap place I can get car insurance at in Michigan. I'm 18(also the age which I got my license), I qualify for the good grades in school discount, I drive a 2003 Honda? Any suggestions?""

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

""Rear ended by unlincensed driver, insurance refuses to pay?""

Hi all, I was hoping that I could get some guidance as to how I should proceed with this. Thank you in advance. The accident occurred 7 days ago in CA. I was driving home from work in the 4th lane of a 4 lane highway. There was a gap of approximately 4~5 cars in the 3rd lane, so I switched into that lane. By the time I finished the lane change, there was approximately 3~4 cars distance between me and the car behind me. I then drove for approximately a 100 yards, at which point the traffic suddenly slowed and I decelerated. The guy behind me, however, seems to have been looking elsewhere and rear ended me. However, before he collided, he managed to swerve his car and hit the corner of my rear bumper with the corner of his front bumper. We pulled over to the side of the road and exchanged information. It turns out that he does not have a driver's license (or any California/U.S. ID; he showed me a Mexican ID). He begged me not to call the police, admitted fault and said that he would settle it through his insurance (he is insured with a VERY shady place called Access General). I took pity on him, especially since it was very likely that he is an illegal immigrant, so I just took his information down and moved along. Fast forward a few days, and I find out that he has told his insurance that I cut in front of him and that he is not at fault. Since there are no witnesses or a police report, his insurance takes his side. Meanwhile, since I only have liability with Geico, they are saying that they can't help me. The damage to my car is between $4~5k, and that is not even taking into account devaluation of the car's value. I feel very cheated because I took pity on him and I am rewarded with a repair bill that nobody wants to deal with. I have called him multiple times and asked him to tell the truth, but he just ignores me. I am now very angry and want to do 2 things: 1. Get my car repaired. 2. Screw up his life. Hopefully get him deported (very strong liklihood of him being an illegal immigrant), or at the least bankrupt him. I took pity on him because he was in a time of need. All he had to do was tell the truth to his insurance, but he was afraid that his monthly bill would go up... so he lies and screws me instead. Do you have any recommendations for lawyers who would be willing to take on property damage lawsuits? What are my options?""

How agent get commission in auto car insurance?

i have assignment to do and i need your help please. my project about auto car insurance. my question is, what are steps that agent need to get commission? and how he get it. thank you.""

Can a 16 year old drive parent's car without insurance?

I am 16 years old, I already got my license for about 3 months. I do not have a car but I drive occasionally, using my sister's or my mom's car. One day, I drove my mom's car to school and my dad was very upset. He claimed that I can not drive her car because I do not have insurance yet. (There is insurance on ALL cars except my NAME is not on it). Since my name is not on the insurance, can I still drive her car?""

""When buying car, do i look at the fuel efficient or the insurance price of the car?

should i buy a car that will save me money on gas or buy a car that is cheap on insurance???

F1 student mandatory health insurance?

Hello I am an f-1 visa holding international student in the United States. My college is apparently going to make all the F1 visa students get the school insurance and not grant any waivers for any other insurances that still meet the coverage requirements. However, compared to my school's insurance which costs about $1500 per year, I have been having a insurance plan for $400 per year. Is disabling insurance waivers to make the students get the overpriced school's insurance even LEGAL? & What is the US's policy on such insurance swindle I need specific laws cited please.""

What cars are cheap to insure?

What cars are cheap to insure for a 17 year old male living in the City? Like what brand and what specific car? List me a few. Thanks

Best life insurance policy and mediclaim policy?

Recently my father (age 62) surrendered the insurance policy without my knowledge.. I decide to take a new one for life and health insurance..Please suggest the best one....

""How much in total (average), does one pay for Car insurance (for 1 car), and Health insurance (for 1 person)?

im 17 years old and just curious

Is this normal for home insurance?

I have AAA-California home insurance and we had an incident yesterday involving a squirrel and our fire suppression sprinkler lines. AAA says they only cover the damage caused (carpets, sheetrock, moisture, etc.) by the squirrel eating through the lines, but will not cover the cost of repairing the lines. Is this standard for all home insurance, or do I just have a crappy policy?""

Need help with Car Insurance?

I am a 17 year old male in california, who just bought a 92 Buick Skylark and I need to no what would be my best bet when it comes to getting insurance, I would like cheap insurance, as cheap as I can get. I have shopped around and its not helping. PLEASE DONT SAY LOOK IT UP YOURSELF CAUSE I HAVE AND I AM ASKING FOR SOME HELP!!!""

I am trying to find affordable heath insurance in CA?

I would also like some info on what the deductibles mean, etc.""

Where can my partner get cheap car insurance?

he has 2 convictions sp30 and dr10

How much would car insurance cost for me?

How much does it cost to get my first car insurance under my parents insurance living in NV, USA? Also: I'm 18 yrs old, Just got my driver's license, White male Caucasian, Drive a black 1996 Honda Civic, been in no accidents, got good grades from High School, had no bad records in general, I live in a safe area, but will drive about 80 miles a week .""

Will this make my car insurance rates go up?

On Sunday, I was at Home Depot. I came out of the store to discover some ****** hit my car with a metal shopping car, leaving orange paint down the side and a good sized dent. Two witnesses came up to me and gave me a description of the car and the license plate number. I don't want to pay a deductible, I want this jerk to pay for it. If I call my insurance and tell them about it, will my rates go up? How else can I get this guys information to take him to small claims court?""

Health insurance for foreigners?

I am from India & I would like to know about the health insurance options for indians working in Malaysia. My husband is working but I am a housewife. His company takes care of his insurance. We are trying for a baby and I would like to know about the health insurance options for foreigners in Malaysia.

No Insurance?

I have being taking mixed martial arts for a few weeks now with a local martial arts centre (own gym etc) but each time I ask about paying for insurance they just say they still have to sort the insurance out, would you still train there without.""

In California can my car insurance company raise my rates based on my new zip code?

I moved to another city within South Orange County, CA, and Allstate raised my rate because of my new zip code. I thought there was a new CA law insurance companies can no longer do that.""

What is the benefit of term life insurance over other types of life insurance?

What is the benefit of term life insurance over other types of life insurance?

Where can a single mother with 2 kids (21 18) get low cost health insurance?

My parents have recently divorced. My father is moving back to Ireland and has to quit his job. My mother, brother, and I were covered under his insurance. But once he leaves the country our insurance will cease. My mother works at home and does not make very much money. We are looking for coverage for the three of us that is not expensive and very low cost as we do not have the means to afford much. We only need it for about a year as I will be graduating and teaching full time as a NYC teacher by next September. *My brother is legally blind, but other than that there are no serious health issues and none of us are tobacco users. *We are hoping to get insurance that would cover quality licensed professionals. *We understand in this economy you get what you pay for, But we honestly do not have much. We are hoping for something affordable without being skimmped on coverage. Thanks :-)""

Would a fix it ticket raise your insurance?

I just got pulled over for a minor issue. My tags were expired, but I had the new sticker and I just forgot to put it on. I got a fix it ticket and I was just curious if it would affect my insurance. I live in California.""

Car insurance uk?

i have car insurance with one car i have full no claims discount,i now am thinking of running another car in my name so i got a quote for this car from my insurance company,.they said as the second car i want to insure i have none no claims discount i have to start again and earn it,.So if i get a quote from a different car insurance company,will these conditions still apply to me.""

Confused.com form for car insurance?

Im looking to purchase an audi s3 and im 21, however the insurance is too much so what im thinking is to buy the car and then insure the car to my dads name so he can drive it for a year or 2 (I WONT BE INSURED ON IT) until i can be insured on it. My question is, on confused.com it asks when did you purchase the vehicle? And if i put say 2 years ago the price of the insurance drops compared to if i brought it say today. Is it ok to do this? When they ask when did you purcahse the car can i say 2 years ago? Hope this makes sense if you use confused.com you will know what i mean. Im really enthusiastic about audis and in particular the s3, im looking to join the members club online. So will this work to lower my insurance when i want to insure myself on it? Also what will be the deal with the registered keeper and owner of the vehicle? Would that be me? Even though my dad would be the person insured on the vehicle? I know im trying to obtain cheaper insurance but if i dont drive it for 2 years i dont see a problem in this. any ideas? What if my dad is the registered owner then registers it to me in 2 years will i have to say i brought the car 2 years ago or when my dad registers it over to me?""

Can an insurance company cancel the insurance after they found out that there is something wrong?

hi! we just bought a house and got insurances but then after a month in our new house, we got a notice from the insurance saying that our insurance will be cancelled by the next month coz they found out in the inspection that there is a rott on the garage roof and told us to fix it first then they will continue our insurance?? i just wanna know if they can do that or if that is allowed to cancel our insurance after they accepted us?? what can we do ?""

Is it cheaper for me and my girlfriend to get insured on the same car?

Hello, I'm wondering If anyone could help me, I am a 17 year old that is learning to drive and am looking into insuring a car. I'm currently searching to get insured on a 2002 1.2ltr Renault Clio, and was wondering if the insurance will be cheaper if I get my girlfriend who is also 17 and learning to drive insured on the same car, I'm not sure if 2 people on the same policy makes the insurance go down or not and could really do with knowing. Thank you for your help :)""

How will the Affordable Care Act help the self-employed?

While I have been examining the Affordable Care Act from the employer's side (I work in HR), I haven't put much time into how it helps individuals. My brother is married and self-employed. He has no employees. His wife is currently a full-time student. Neither of them currently have health insurance because it is too expensive. They are in their 20s and are both healthy. What type of health insurance options are going to come available to them with the passing of the Affordable Care Act? What is the time frame on this? (I know I read something about the State Pools starting in 2014 but surely there is some relief sooner).""

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

Help in family health insurance in Indiana?

I have a family of 4, My wife and I make about $20,000 a year. Right now, we have to pay $350 a month for health insurance. We already applied for HIP insurance, but it've been 2 years, and they have no positive answers for us. I feel $350 a month is too expensive for us right now, this insurance only pay for us when we have to pay over $10000 at a hospital. For example, if we have to pay $14000 for health, we pay $10000 and they pay $4000 ; anything under $10000, they won't pay. Please help us with our situation, Are there any other options out there. Thank you very much""

Car Insurance Question?

A couple of months ago, I checked out Insurance on Money Supermarket and got a cheap quote of 1,115.44 for a 5 door 1.1 Citroen Saxo, but I've been recently checking again and now all the quotes from the same company are over 4K??? Are they allowed to do this anyhow? And if I phone up the company and tell them about the cheap quote, will they give it to me?""

Why has car insurance gone up so much?

Im 18 learning to drive and getting my first car soon but I'm wondering why car insurance has gone up so much?

I got pulled over in someone else's car that doesn't have insurance but I have my own?

Ok so I'm driving one of my friends car and I got pulled over for making an illegal u-turn. The car had no insurance and the cop told me to just show up to court and show them that I have proof of insurance on my own car and the ticket will be dropped? I currently have State Farm insurance and I live in the state of California. The officer told me that as long as I had permission to drive the car and my insurance covers me driving other cars I Should be fine. Is this true? Please help, I'm really worried and I don't wanna pay a big fine.""

""What will happen to my car insurance - first time, minor accidental scratch?""

Very icy weather, I was going 20 km/hr (honestly) and when I made a right turn the ice dragged me out into the opposite lane. (It was kind of painful to watch - because I was going to SO slowly into the other car and I kept pumping the breaks but nothing) By the time I hit the car I was about 2 seconds from a complete stop already. Will this hurt my insurance? I've never been in a collision before. There was a litte peeling of paint and a scratch on the other car. Should I call them and offer to pay for it and not get my insurance involved? That's what I heard to do.""

Is life insurance a good ivnestment?

Is it wise to ivnest in a life insurance? Have you heard of Manulife?

What can freelancers do for individual health insurance?

I have my own little freelance job that I do for cash. I'm not married and not a student, so I find myself without any medical or dental coverage. I'm just looking for coverage for gynological care (once per year), maybe a regular check-up (once per year), and prescription coverage if possible. And, if I'm really lucky, I'd like dental to be able to have a cleaning every 6 months. I've tried looking online but I don't know what or where most of the insurance companies are and if they are real or even trustworthy. I am not a registered business nor do I make loads of cash, but I do not want to go on welfare of any sort. Does anyone have any advice for me? Thanks!""

My insurance is like $300 a month...help?

I just got a free quote from whipers.com but my insurance is still a little high...what can I do to lower it to like $75 a month or is that not realistic?

Average insurance cost for teen drivers in Ohio?

Can anyone give me an estimate by any chance? I know the best way is to just get a quote but right now I'm trying to get some figures up there before I convince my mom into getting a quote.

Does anyone know the best/cheapest uk car insurance provider after an accident?

I have been driving for 17 years, have no points or bans etc and have 9+ years no claims bonus. For the past 4 years i have driven a 1990 honda prelude that i loved, it was broken into last year, and a few weeks ago got wrote off (insistent it was my fault grrr). My insurance has gone from 25 per month to 50 per month for moving house and now for exactly the same model of car they want to put it up to 96 per month, not because of the crash but because its a new car, even though its the same model???? This is with the green insurance company. does anyone know of a really good company that might give me similar to what I pay now? I thought the idea of protecting the no claims bonus was so that the premiums dont go through the roof??? thankyou for any help and sensible answers xx""

""I'm about to take my driving test & want to buy a new car, any recommendations for cheap purchase & insurance?""

I'm about to take my driving test & want to buy a new car, any recommendations for cheap purchase & insurance?""

Auto insurance question?

I am looking into financing a 2007 honda civic coupe ex. It is a 1.8 liter inline 4 motor. Front wheel drive and automatic with almost 68,000 miles on it. In florida, you have to get full coverage until you finish paying off the car. I am 23 with 2 traffic tickets. One for a stop sing violation and another for no proof of insurance. Both tickets were given to me at the same time almost 3 years ago. Thats the only 2 tuckets ive ever had. I live in the country as well because i know that matters for a quote. But with this information, what would be a good estimate on how much full coverage insurance would be on this vehicle? Thanjs in advance.""

Car Insurance question....?

Ok, so I'm 24 about to turn 25(apparently that's when your taken out of the pool , or so I've heard, which means my rates should lower.) However my insurance will expire before I turn 25, and there will be about a 3 month gap between those dates. I was wondering if I could get car insurance to cover those 3 or so months, or would I have to buy a 6 month and then get another quote later?""

What is UPS waiting period for health insurance?

How long after being hired as a permanent part-time employee do you have to wait for insurance to kick in?

Car insurance problem?

yesterday crashed my car into the back of a young man in an old Y reg ford escort no damage to his car just a loose exhaust which i am giving him money to get fixed. But my car Y reg Peugeot 206 1.4 quicksilver, the bonnet has gone so will have to buy a new one. if i go through insurance to get my bonnet done will it affect my annual insurance cost? at the moment it is 800 how much do you think it will go up by. by the way i am only 18 this is my first year of driving under my mothers policy.""

Do I need a California driver's license to deliver pizzas in California? (Domino's)?

Just interviewed at Domino's and everything seemed to go well, but afterwards I realized my current driver's license is in the state of Nevada and not California (since I am just here attending college). I anyone aware if this will be a problem for insurance issues or something?""

Car insurance: keep my car if its a write off?

Hi I had a car crash other night....i wasn't at fault anyway the front bumper, bonnet, one headlight and paint above drivers wheel has taken bad damage....but im pretty sure the engine and things under the bonnet are fine....even the radiator isn't damaged....only looks slightly bent so basically im pretty sure its just cosmetic damge its a 2002 lancer ce sedan the person who hit me....her insurance company racq will be inspecting it...but i fear they will say it will be a write off i paid $7000 for the car in september 2010 and the market value for it then was $7500...how much market value will the car be now?? :/ will i get $4000-$6000 for it?? and if they pay me out do i still get to keep my wrecked vehicle or will racq keep the car? i have put so much effort into this car spent an exta $2000 on it. then some crazy b***ch runs a red light n smashes into front of my car so basically my question is....if my car is a wright off will i still get to keep the car? cos if i can i can just keep it at a mates place and buy spare bumper n bonnet off ebay""

What is Title insurance?

What is it for? any advantages? how will it benefit me?

How much would a 2001 vauxhall astra cost for insurance for a 17 year old male?

No sites please i would like to know roughly how much... x

Which car Insurance do you recommend?

The cheapest, but also good at the same time.""

Insurance on a 1998 Toyota Camry 16 y/old about to be 17?

Ok so i need your help. I am 16 years old and about to be 17 im going back to the u.s. and have a old 1998 toyota camry waiting for me (btw yuck) ok and my parents said to drive this until my insurance lowers and theyll get me a new car by graduation which is next june. So my question is how much do you think my insurance will be? Its a fairly old car and not in a good condition and i have had 1 accident which was pretty big but not completly my fault like 60%

Can someone else pay for my life insurance?

Can I take a policy out myself, have another person pay for it, and the person paying for it is also the beneficiary?""

I was stopped by police for no car insurance which I thought was covered on my other car. What's the fine?

I'm 28 and have been driving for 9 years but have no record against me before. It will go to court but does anyone know a ballpark figure of the fine/points, etc...?""

My own car insurance..?

im buying a car and going on my own insurance. is it true i cant still be under my parents insurance with out it being registered in their name???

""How good would a 1.6 Renault Clio RXE for road tax ,insurance running costs be?""

How good would a 1.6 Renault Clio RXE for road tax ,insurance running costs be?""

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

My medical condition is bone cancer but I am unable to get travel insurance.who can help me please?

https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/quotes-car-home-owners-insurance-salkum-wa-fiona-pope/"

Reflection

hey,

i feel mixed things. i went to the good friday service and a part of me is happy that it wasnt awkward and i wasnt the only one that decided to go but another part of me is sad that i didnt get to spend that one-on-one time with jason. but i am glad that eunice and angela were there too. during the service, i took notes diligently and after the practical time, i did my best to distance myself from everyone else so as to not feel judged or pressured. and it did go well for a while and i was good at not speaking until we got into the small chapel and started writing our new commitments. my heart did break when i saw the whip and crown of thorns and touched it and i cant even imagine the physical, mental, and emotional torment that Jesus went through leading up to His death. And I kind of wish I had spent more time there instead of moving faster so that other people wouldn’t have to wait. But after writing my commitments, I decided to pray on my knees and I was aware when people started leaving and I knew that the room was either totally or nearly empty by the time that I was done but I just felt like I really needed that time to be with God and confess what was on my heart. I know that I’ve been struggling with what it means to rest in Christ and that’s something that I’ve never been very good at and really trying to understand my value in God’s eyes. I think I am still struggling with my identity in God but I did carry out my commitment. I am a lot more proud and bold in my faith. I’ve been able to more openly talk about my faith in my dorm, on the first floor, at work, at the train station, anywhere. And I am really proud of myself and how far I’ve grown since last year. And initially, I wasn’t really in the mood to have fun and games and laugh and fellowship but i pushed myself to learn to receive and relax so i laughed alongside them. and i did actually have a good time. i got a lot closer with chelsea and angela, jason, chelsea, and i decided to eat kbbq together afterwards and it was really fun! joyce and jiham later joined us and we all talked in between conversations. and i accidentally slipped and said, “i dont drink anymore” when jason jokingly offered me some and everyone immediately exclaimed, “WHAT?” to me in disbelief. And to my surprise, Jason asked if I had a problem with it before but stopped and I confirmed his suspicions. But looking back on it, I’m kinda surprised he got that from what I said? It could just be that I drank a bit but decided not to anymore? But anyway, I was half expecting them to press further into it but they didn’t and I’m partly sad that I couldn’t share and relieved that I didn’t have to share. I think I could have but it did make me feel kind of bad when they reacted so strongly. But throughout the day, honestly, I was forcing myself to put on a smile and pretend that I was okay. And it didn’t seem like the mood or the moment to share my struggles and I really do thin I define myself by how much I serve and give bc it is such a huge part of my identity. And I think my intentions are usually pure but there is always a part me that needs to give in order to feel like I’m worth something. And that’s definitely something that I need to seriously pray about. I think a lot of the times, I wait until I’m at church to pray instead of just doing it when I need to and because of that, it feels fake sometimes at church. It feels like I don’t really mean what I’m saying. And I definitely do think I need to spend more time with God to get over it. I do want an honest and pure relationship with Him and I know a lot of the times, my feeling like I need to be a leader gets in the way of that. And I pretended like I was fine and kept saying that I was okay but I also couldn’t stop thinking about how I literally didn’t want to live anymore on Saturday. That was less than a week ago and I just felt like I was in so much pain and suffering and misery that I couldn’t take it anymore and I just wanted to die and kill myself so that I could be happy and with God and just be in pure joy and bliss. But I’m afraid if I say anything, P. Josh will think I’m not yet ready to serve and take MAST away from me and I would honestly be so upset because of that. It would feel like EIC and yearbook all over again. But, not becoming EIC gave me the opportunity to build a much more intimate relationship with God and come back to Him and maybe this is a sign that I shouldn’t be serving in MAST bc it’ll just stand in the way of me being able to rest and receive and learn who God is through that. 

Oh, I also saw Chaeweon earlier and we sat together and it was gr9. BUT, she left early and I didn’t have time to say bye! :( But we are still going to hangout tomorrow so I’m excited for that! 

And my suspicions were confirmed, Jason and Angela are going out! And I want to ask more about it but I think I am a little more understanding of their relationship now. On the one hand, I’m a bit upset just bc I don’t want it to be like my freshman year where everyone in leadership was dating each other and that just made a lot of people feel left out and uncomfortable. But I am happy for them and I hope they grow strong in their faith together. I think they both have their own issues and I think Angela could easily take advantage of Jason on accident just bc she’s so strong and he’s so kind. But they’re both my friends and I do really hope things work out.

My day today—

it was pretty good. honestly. i started my day by getting my dishes done and out of the way, chatted with Emily for a bit in the morning, and headed to school. I revised the pamphlet for A^2 with the updated fonts and printed my leaflet for graphic design. There, I ran into Andrew Shike and helped him out with cutting and checked items out for the both of us. And then I hurriedly tried to take pictures on the 10th floor but it was a STRUGGLE. And my pictures came out okay but I didn’t have enough time to take better pictures and upload them before work and the media lab closed when I got off my shift, soooo. I just decided to take my time to get good pictures for class and my portfolio tomorrow. i think i’ll try to do it after hanging out with chaeweon for lunch! hopefully we dont take too long. well, idk. i would love to chat for hours with her and it not be awkward but i also do have some work to do. i guess she can accompany me and then we can just spend the day together from there? but, we’ll just have to see how things turn out tomorrow.

and honestly, im in a constant state of being on the verge of tears. true joy is something that i have not felt in a while and i can feel myself getting numb and afraid and anxiety-ridden and im just upset bc i worked so hard to get away from that but i feel like im just reverting back into my old habits.

i drank at the beginning of the school year bc i wasn’t in a mentally good stable. im still not in a mentally good place, lol. but i am better. kind of. i just felt very alone and like i couldnt trust anyone last semester and i was the most concerned with my grandma’s health at the time bc it didnt look like she would be making it by the time i returned for winter break. and i sought refuge and mulan and dana. and bc they were there for me, i was desperate to be accepted and so, i started casually drinking with them. marlena too. she respected my choice to not drink before but the temptation was there and i went for it. and granted, i didnt drink a ton but i was definitely on my way to becoming an alcoholic. i drank nearly daily for two weeks and since then, there have been moments when i was tempted to just drink to avoid my problems and ease the pain. and thank goodness im not 21 yet or else i would’ve bought so many bottles already. it’s bc i dont have easy access that im still sober and not an alcoholic but looking at everything that im going through, sometimes i just want to give up and solve my problems by not thinking at all. 

i dont know if i feel alone bc i know that i have people around me that care about me. but i do feel like theres this wall thats dividing us and keeping me from really being raw and vulnerable and just facing my fears and anxieties and worries head on. and im wondering if the only way to get over this is to confess it to God. And while I think that will help in part, I do think I also just need to be okay with trusting others with my life and weaknesses and vulnerabilities and thriving in where I fail. Because none of us are perfect. I feel like before, people were jealous of me bc of how perfect I seemed. But now that I’ve let people see my weaknesses, I feel like they judge me and deem me unfit to lead and serve. But if this is how I can better develop my relationship with God, then why not do it, yknow? Idk. I’m just. conflicted. struggling. theres a lot on my plate and i just want to throw myself at my work so that i dont have to think about it.

Wonder

Usually i do posts about cartoons, but we with my sister watched great film, at the same day as i watched Little Prince, so i cried alot that day. 

AND THERE WILL BE SPOILERS SO WATCH THE FILM FIRST!

And i’ll use help of wikipedia:

August "Auggie" Pullman is a fifth-grade boy living in North River Heights in upper manhattan. He has a rare medical facial deformity, which he refers to as "mandibulofacial dysostosis".. Due to numerous surgeries, Auggie had been home-schooled by his mother Isabel, but as Auggie is approaching middle school age, Isabel and Nate decide to enroll him in Beecher Prep, a private school, for the start of middle school. At first, Auggie is ostracized by nearly all the student body, but he is soon befriended by a boy named Jack.

Thanks to wikipedia but now we’ll stop here. Watching how they are playing together, having fun and arguing christmas is better or halloween, makes you smile and laught so hard. They are cuties. They are so cute :3 me and my sister were so happy that auggie finally had friend with who he can play <3

During Halloween, Auggie wears an “ghostface” mask(i am sure everyone once weared this mask to prank their friends) Unrecognized, he walks around school knowing he would not get tormented while incognito. As he walks through the door to his homeroom he overhears Jack telling Julian Albans(rich boy) that he was "only pretending to be friends with Auggie". Feeling betrayed, Auggie wants to stay home during trick or treat, but his older sister Olivia, nicknamed "Via", talks him out of it. The interesting thing is that film tells stories about almost all important characters. And then the film starts telling us the story of Via, which is in my opinion very sad. I think its even more sad then auggie’s. So when she was 4 years old she wanted to have little brother, DONT TELL ME THAT YOU NEVER WANTED LITTLE SIBLING! After Auggie was born parents attention was brought to auggie because of how his look. The only two people that she was able to talk were her grandma and her BFF. Grandma is like: I love Auggie but i love you too. But in my opinion it would’ve been better if she would tell her parents to have atleast little attention on their daughter. But then her grandma dies... always hated the moments when old people died in films and everywhere. So the only friend left for via is her BFF, But when her BFF left to camp and work to atleast get little bit amount of money she starting to lie. *facepalm* whatever i dont want to tell the story of all characters so just watch. But i can tell one thing for sure little lies cant harm anyone so use them as much as you want, but please dont let the lies to grow and grow and let them to hide yourself. So there is one great georgian proverb: Lie has short legs.

Auggie later confides the incident to another friend, a girl named Summer,(i ship it :3) but swears her to secrecy. When Jack notices that Auggie has become quiet and distant he asks Summer why, but she only says "Ghost Face" to give him a clue. Jack is shocked when it dawns on him that it was Auggie wearing the Ghost Face costume, and thus had overheard everything he said to Julian. When Julian calls Auggie a "freak," Jack angrily punches him in the face and a fight ensues between the two(oh yea, i waited for it too long!) which is soon broken up by Mr. Browne( Daveed Diggs which plays in hamilton laffayete and jefferson) Ms. Petosa. Jack is suspended for two days for his actions, and apologizes to Auggie, and the two reconcile.(cute)

During the rest of the school year, Auggie is repeatedly bullied by Julian(D:<) and his group; they leave hurtful and threatening notes on his desk and tape to his locker their class picture with Auggie photoshopped out. Mr. Tushman, confronts Julian and his parents using all the evidence; Julian's mother(bitch) proclaims that she had had Auggie edited out of the photo to make it look more presentable to her friends at home. She then says that other students should not be exposed to Auggie. Despite her threats to pull their funding from the school, Tushman suspends Julian for two days. Julian, who stands to lose all his friends, apologizes to Tushman for humiliating Auggie,(atleast he is now sorry for what he done) as his mother drags him out the door. Seriously i would bitch slap my own child if he or she would bully someone, oh wait, oh yea you cant just hit the child, THEN I WOULDN’T LET MY CHILD OUT TO HIS FRIENDS, NO COMPUTER OR CELLPHONE AND NO SWEETS FOR HIM ALL MONTH!

Meanwhile, Via signs up for Drama Club at her high school after her best friend, Miranda, ignores her; in the process, she meets Justin,(her uture boyfriend :D) with whom she develops a close friendship which later turns into a relationship. Later, Via is selected to be an understudy for the lead role in the school's production of something,(dont force me to google it) but when Miranda, the lead actress, pretends to fall ill, Via takes her place and gives a performance that earns her a standing ovation.(and finally Miranda tells her about her action in camp)

During a school trip to a nature reserve, when Auggie and Jack are accosted and threatened by a group of seventh graders(pffff seriously?) from another school, several of Julian's friends come to their defense. After their return to school, Auggie is generally more accepted by his classmates, including most of Julian's former friends. At the year's end during the graduation ceremony, Tushman announces that Auggie has been selected for the Henry Ward Beecher Medal for standing out; Auggie receives a standing ovation, and the movie ends with everyone applauding Auggie, and Isabel commenting on him being a "wonder".

The film has really great story, characters and of course story telling. And of course Daveed Diggs, nu actually i didn’t knew that he was playing in that movie until i watched it. And of course there are more reasons to watch that cute, funny, sometimes heartbreaking, but with a happy ending film.

Thanks you guys for reading me and sorry for my english.

See you

When you are sitting in the hospital you feel like there is still hope. Even after they told me the heartbeat was gone, I felt like they were wrong. There had to still be hope for my baby boy. That feeling is something i still feel today, and we buried him weeks ago. Ill just always wonder if i did enough for him. In the moment you feel like your choices are limited.  I had the option to get in my car and drive myself to the more advanced hospital in Orlando.

They wouldn't accept me by ambulance because i was only 22 weeks, and the age of viability is of course 24 weeks, but i could have. I didnt because i was afraid to go into labor in the car in the 45 minute drive to Orlando from our home in Titusville. I will always think about that, and wonder what would have happened if i did that. I recently had a friend tell me that the hospital could have done more, they just chose to save one of us, and it was me. I would have never let them save me if that was an option they presented me with.

Its weird how you can love something so unconditionally that you have never gotten the chance to meet yet. I knew my son though. I know he loved seafood, its all he ever wanted even though i had to limit my consumption while i was pregnant with him it didn't stop the tuna cravings. I also know that I could feel the joy coming from him when we were around his father. He loved his daddys voice so much. <3  

I am really hoping that by documenting everything i can think of it will help me always remember my time with Markus, even if it was only 22 weeks and 1 day i got to be with him. Every single day Kevin and I get stronger. We never imagined we would live through this, and to be honest every time i get up in the middle of the night Kevin wakes in a panic, and asks “are you alright”? I cant wait for that anxiety of it all to pass, and for my husband to know I am “okay”. I designed Markus’s gravestone the other day and I cant wait to see it. I used the picture of all of us together on it and I hope it will look good. I had a mini break down when i went to the grave site the other day and saw only dead flowers, and fresh sand. It almost made me lose my sanity for a good second, so I hope this will give me solace knowing he has his own mark on earth so years later everyone can still see that Markus Gary Young was here, even if just for a second.

I know i started getting my health back on track basically 2 weeks after i lost Markus, but it hasn't been as easy as i was hoping when i first started. Sometimes there are days when we really cant do anything except go to work and go home. But other days i am on fireeee with passion to do great things, and on those days i just really try to make the most out of life.

On those days, i dream BIG! It sounds silly but sometimes i want to be famous. I haven't quite figured out how, or for what. But most people these days don't. I am pretty sure that Danielle chick did not wake up the morning of doctor Phil and think “I am about to take over America, by saying “cash me outside bish”. haha it just kind of happened. I'm thinking my best chances are by doing something clumsy publicly, since that's what i am known for. Some kid will most definitely put me on YouTube.

On other days just focusing on my weight is all i can do to make the world a better place for my future babies. I got a new accountability buddy, and i’m hoping that we can keep each other on track. She too has lost a sleeping angel before. I never knew about it until way later, but there are a lot of people who simply just don't talk about child loss, so it doesn't surprise me that i found out years later.

Me and Grangie (Grandma Angela as kevin planned on calling his mother when Markus was born) have been doing Aqua Zumba as well, and it has truly been a blast. I have gotten a lot closer with Angela since all of this happened. I am very grateful for that, and i know that had markus got to meet them he would have loved both his grandmas sooo much. He truly made out in the grandma department, and he even would have gotten to meet his great grandma had he been able to spend a little more time on earth with us. I am partial to her though, because to me she will always be the #1 grandma in my eyes<3

Well i think that is enough of an update from Julialand. Its so great to vent and just write whatever i think about knowing that nobody will judge me because hardly anyone will ever read this. lol I am starting to think about a Vlog instead of writing everything out, but we will take it day by day to see where my creative side takes me.