#but I didn’t think it would realistically happen bc I don’t think Anthony is the kinda dm to out of the blue be like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

messymindofmine · 2 years

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dTfrzTS6qWM&t=1s

Buckle up because this is gonna be a long one!

Tanner’s remarks actually really made me think. He says he wants Robby to look out for people and at first I was confused bc Robby is always looking out for people. He’s defended Sam, Demetri, Chris, Kenny and Anthony. But once I actually listened to it properly, it made sense. Robby absolutely looks out for people when he sees them in trouble but Robby is also not the sort to seek out other people either. As Tanner said, Robby has always looked out mainly for himself and his mom. It doesn’t make him selfish at all, far from it. It’s actually perfectly realistic for a kid in his situation. Robby has never had anyone to look out for him so he’s had to do that for himself and for his mom. This has led him to be in survival mode his whole life. I do think it’s interesting that he describes Robby as an empath. That’s a very specific word to use and I do think it fits Robby. Robby may not go out of his way to reach out to people but he is also the one who jumps to defend others the most out of all the teens. He even defended that kid Angel in juvie even though one could argue that it wasn’t the wisest of decisions given how it brought Shawn’s wrath upon him. Yet he does so without even thinking. It didn’t even occur to him that it may not have been the best idea until he sees Shawn staring at him and even then he asks Angel if he’s okay. When Kenny goes to him, Robby would have been well within his rights to say that he couldn’t help Kenny. In hindsight, it may have actually been better if he had. But while there are a lot of positive things about being an empath, one of the negatives is that your ability to feel someone’s pain and your urge to help can blind you to the consequences of what helping that person may lead to.

I can see why Tanner would say he wants to see Robby looking out for other people and broaden his horizons. Part of healing is forging healthy relationships. Robby’s always been very focused on survival and that has made it hard for him to really let people in. Even in s2 which was the happiest time for him, he was still in survival mode. He even turned Sam down the first time bc he was afraid of making Daniel angry despite his feelings for her. When he did give into his feelings, he was obviously happy but he was still anxious about how Daniel would react. Then of course that happiness that he felt ended up being short-lived and his fears were proven right. Everything that happened from the s2 finale onwards has only reinforced Robby’s belief that he’s on his own and can’t trust anybody.

I want to take a quick detour and talk about why I chose to do this post. I actually have worked with kids like Robby. What a lot of people don’t seem to understand that Robby is actually the best-case scenario for kids in these types of situations. The reason he’s closed off to people isn’t because he’s selfish, it’s because he’s hurt and scared. It’s because his life has taught him that if he dares to trust anybody, they will let him down. It also frustrates me when people see kids like Robby who act so mature for their age and hold them to adult standards. Kids like Robby act mature for their age because they have no choice. It’s actually detrimental to their growth when kids act more mature than they are because it stops them from truly experiencing normal teenage experiences. It makes it harder for them to relate to their own peers. It also prompts actual adults to treat them poorly. It may not even always be intentional but that’s what ends up happening. Adults see kids like Robby who have had to mature too quickly and simultaneously expect them to behave like adults while treating them like kids. We see this with Robby all the time. Everybody expects Robby to make good choices constantly and to always know what to do and when he doesn’t bc he’s still a kid, he is punished for it in a much harsher way than any of the other teens. Robby makes the mistake of bringing Sam to Johnny’s when she’s drunk? Daniel punishes him for it by yelling in his face and throwing him out. Daniel never once stops to consider that this is a kid his daughter’s age he’s screaming at. A kid who put his trust in him. A kid who was staring at him with fear on his face and tears in his eyes. Daniel was willing to make a concession for Sam who was the one who had gotten drunk and didn’t yell at her. I get that he was projecting his issues with Johnny onto Robby but that still doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t even consider that this is a kid he’s yelling at. I’m not saying that Daniel should have yelled at Sam at all. Sam is hardly the first teenager in the world to get drunk and while it wasn’t a good decision, it does not warrant being yelled at that way. I also get that Sam is his daughter but if anything that should have been even more reason for him to take how young Robby is into consideration. Because he was able to see Sam’s decision as that of a dumb teenager but Robby was immediately on par with Johnny. He yelled at Robby as though Robby was an adult Daniel’s age in that moment only to flip the script on Robby in s3. Suddenly the Daniel of 2x10 was gone and Daniel apologizes and basically tells Robby he’s a kid. He then makes a decision for Robby without even talking to him about it in that annoying way that adults have with kids. He had no problem yelling at Robby as though he was an adult the last time he saw him (and yeah he apologized) yet he also had no problem taking Robby’s own fate out of Robby’s hands as though Robby were incapable of making his own decisions. A decision that completely damaged Robby’s trust in Daniel. Even in s5, it seems that Daniel still doesn’t truly grasp just how much he has hurt Robby. Yes he apologizes again but it’s still him telling Robby that he was trying to do the right thing. He didn’t even stop Robby when Robby called himself a messed up kid. Johnny also refers to Robby as his kid yet he constantly expects Robby to act like an adult. Every time Johnny does something that hurts Robby, he expects Robby to just get over it. I get that Johnny’s a selfish person but he never does this with Miguel. When Robby joined Cobra Kai, Daniel and Johnny kept on telling him that he needed to do the right thing and kept talking at him without even once considering how they’re own actions have contributed to this kid not listening to them.

This attitude exists in the fandom as well. Fans expect Robby to act like an adult and always think rationally. The irony is that Robby does think rationally. Rationally for him anyway. He recognized that he couldn’t trust Johnny or Daniel and only went to Kreese because he literally had nowhere else to go. He only began to trust Kreese a bit much later on and even then it was never completely.

I saw someone once respond to an ask about how Robby would have reacted if he’d witnessed the attack on Stingray in s4. The person responded that they thought Robby would likely not have said anything. Not because he was selfish but because Robby is smart enough to realize what a terrible situation he was in. If he had reported Silver for the attack, he could very easily have incurred Silver’s wrath upon himself. I wish I could find that post again bc it was so on point. Robby may not yet posses the ability to rationally think through a situation like an adult and that caused him to eventually fall for Kreese’s manipulations for a while but he was still rational enough to assess the situation he was in and choose what he considered to be the lesser of the two evils at the time. Rather than actually going to Robby and apologizing to him properly and sincerely promising him that they’d do better, rather than actually fighting for him, they just left him there to come to a decision on his own. Both Johnny and Daniel knew how dangerous Kreese and Silver are and yet they left Robby with them in the hopes that Robby would decide to leave himself. We all know they never would have done that with Miguel or Sam.

Coming back to Tanner referring to Robby as an empath, Robby is not a selfish person at all. Quite the opposite actually. He sees someone in pain or struggling and he immediately rushes to help. He is, however, a very scared and hurt kid who will do whatever it takes to survive.

Even with Shannon, Robby was always looking after her. He defended her to Johnny. He worries about rent and money even as Shannon leaves him alone for weeks and months. When Shannon tells him she’s going to Cabo, the first thing that Robby thinks of is how the rent is due and how he can’t pay it. He then warns the guy Shannon is with not to hurt her. So even the person that Robby has always consistently looked out for has no problem leaving him.

As I said, Robby is the best-case scenario for kids in those situations because no matter what, he never turns his anger on anybody else. He never gets so consumed by it that it changes him. I have also seen a lot of kids like Tory. Kids who are by no means bad but are so angry that they have been consumed by it. Tory has had a terrible life and her anger is understandable. But that anger has led her to do terrible things to people who don’t deserve it. Particularly Sam. Tory herself says in s5 that she is turning into someone she doesn’t want to be. There is a lot to be said about Tory’s arc from the beginning to s5 and I will talk about it soon but for now I want to let people know that Tory is actually not even the worst-case scenario. No, the worst-case scenario is the one where kids get so consumed with their anger and pain that they don’t even make it to adulthood.

Tanner describes Robby as an empath and I think that is true. Robby’s problem is not that he doesn’t care about people, it’s that he is so busy trying to survive, it doesn’t leave enough space for him to have meaningful relationships with others. That’s not to say this his relationship with Sam or Tory is or was meaningless, not at all. But throughout his relationship with Sam, he carried that anxiety of Daniel finding out. With Tory, there was Cobra Kai. He ended their relationship bc he was that Tory wasn’t leaving Cobra Kai and he realized that this would not be good for him. He didn’t stop caring about her at all, that’s why he confronted Silver the way he did but he did break up with her for his survival. He always stands up for others but he doesn’t go looking for friends either. Having friends and relationships requires trust and looking out for the person constantly. It’s easy to look out for someone else when you already have people looking out for you. But when you have to look out for yourself and someone who should be looking out for you to boot, it doesn’t leave any space for looking out for people who don’t even necessarily need you too. I could apply this to Tory as well actually. The Tory we saw in s2 and 3 would never have even considered looking out for someone who wasn’t her mother or her brother. Yet she did start looking out for Robby and then in s5, she looked out for Devon in a way that was very similar to how Robby was with Kenny. This happened bc she now has someone looking out for her. Amanda set her up with a therapist and someone who helped look after Tory’s mother. While it hasn’t made things perfect for her, she is at least in a better place than the one she was at the start and it shows. Robby, if possible, is actually even worse off than he was before. Now, he has had to completely surrender himself to Johnny in order to fit into Johnny’s life. So where does that leave Robby? Robby does what lots of empaths do and he senses how others around him feel and what they want from him and adapts accordingly. This prevents him from ever being able to do what he wants and from being truly happy.

So yeah, Tanner’s comments got me thinking bc he says he wants to see Robby broadening his horizons right after he says he wants Robby to come out on top. Right now, Robby is scraping the bottom of the barrel in life. He is trapped in a horrific cycle. I would love to see Robby come out on top in all ways bc nobody deserves it more than him but in order for that to happen, he needs to be freed from this cycle he’s trapped in.

#cobra kai #robby keene

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triviareads · 2 years

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(Same anon as mother being imperfect seen as devils) I think it does have to do with how we view mothers in lit. For the Bridgerton book series - Violet and Mary are the only good mothers who are still alive. The books treat them as perfect - knowing their kids, saying the right things, kind etc. Any flaws they have are not treated as such. Same thing happens in fanfic and fandom. Mary & Violet are perfect -kind,know what’s best for their kids, know what they are thinking, give perfect pep talks and are always supportive. They don’t have any flaws - they are perfect mothers. This is also often in contrast to Portia (and other society mothers) despite her being more complex in the show. Like look how good Violet and Mary are caring about love marriages but all those other shallow mothers only care about material wealth. They are genuine & care whereas other society mothers are just desperate harpies who are jealous.

In violets case the fanfic or posts who show her in a bad light are always to do with Anthony. It’s done either to give Anthony more trauma or to absolve him of the whole berbrooke situation. And the only reason she is demonised is bc the show didn’t portray her as constantly praising Anthony for being responsible like fandom wants her to. She is a more realistic character & not always a perfect mother. Even in certain fics - Mary is portrayed as the better/perfect mother (Mary would never behave like violet, she treated her children equally) bc we still haven’t seen her in the show. I am sure if Mary is anything less than perfect, again pple will complain that her character and relationship has been ruined.

Disclaimer -Obviously pple can write/think whatever they want but this is a pretty common trend.

I have... definitely felt this one, although I do think Mary is a more pragmatic woman than Violet, but that's probably by virtue of her relative situation in life. And I too liked the nuance to Violet's character in the TV show. AND I also liked how Portia Featherington was portrayed on the show. She was not stupid or shallow in the slightest. She just had unorthodox (by our standards) and not-so-good (and occasionally clueless) methods of Getting Shit Done. Her advice to Marina on finding things to take joy in was kinda touching ngl.

And as for those "other mothers" who are "desperate harpies who are jealous", that can so easily be chalked up to them never being taught better by virtue of their education and socialization, and add to that desperation to see their daughters settled because they know there is no other way for a woman to be safe/prosperous, at least in a socially acceptable way. For example, I imagine Lady Cowper was once given the same advice by her mother that she now foists upon Cressida. It's basically a cycle that has taken generations to break, and we still feel it today (ex: isn't viewing other women as competition when it comes to men very much a modern phenomenon as well?).

But yeah, I've definitely thought about this too which sort of influenced how I write mothers in my fanfiction. Siena as a mother, for example, sometimes imparts dubious marriage/courting advice on her daughters because as a former courtesan, she still kinda views relationships as transactional and her advice can be summed up as "ask yourself what the man wants, what he wants from you, and see if you can give it/be it." It's very pragmatic in some ways, but it doesn't really align with the aristocratic circles her daughters travel in as Lord Bridgerton's daughters. Clairmont's mom and Charlotte Bridgerton are other "imperfect" but fundamentally decent mothers in my fics.

#bridgerton #violet bridgerton #mary sharma #portia featherington #ask

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writingwithcolor · 4 years

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Including diversity where there may be little

Including diversity where there may be little: Black Radium Girls as example

post-scriptvm asked: [ask clipped for length]

I have an interest in the ‘Radium Girls’, groups of women who worked at studios in America from the late 1910s onwards painting radium onto clock faces, and later took their companies to court for the horrible impacts the radium had on their body.

I want to make a musical, just for fun. I’ve decided to use a fictionalized version of events, with composite characters based on multiple different women, rather than one of the real-life groups and the actual women from them. It will be mostly set in New Jersey, in the roaring 20s.

Neither of the two real-life groups I know of had any Black women in them, and I can’t see any Black women in any of the big group photos of the dial factories’ employees. But I know there’s a lot of Black history and culture in that time and place bc of the great migration and stuff, so I feel like if I’m not going to use the real life ladies, I should probably take the opportunity to also make some of them Black, bc making a whole cast of white ladies in the name of potentially wrong ‘historical accuracy’ seems like a bad thing.

My question is, should I? [ask clipped for length]

I wouldn’t be surprised if there were African American radium girls. Speculating People of Color/Women of Color’s involvement is far more realistic than portraying everyone as white. Go for it!

Perhaps look into what other races were predominantly in the New Jersey area for inspiration, too.

Hidden History

This section features just a few examples of PoC in lesser known historical settings.

The histories of People of Color are highly and actively erased. Women of Color especially get their stories left to footnotes in the textbooks. You hear about certain amazing women again and again, but there’s so many others that don’t get their time of day.

Hidden Figures (book and movie) is a prime example of that erasure and lesser known history. To summarize: It’s “the powerful story of four African-American female mathematicians at NASA who helped achieve some of the greatest moments in our space program.”

Here’s another example:

Photo of female firefights on Pearl Harbor, 1941. Identities unknown

It would be nice to know more about these women, and i’ve seen inquiries from people requesting info from anyone who may know. This struggle to find details is a prime example of that erasure in itself.

Enemies in Love: A German POW, a Black Nurse, and an Unlikely Romance by Alexis Clark

The book pictured above is the true story of a Black nurse and German Prisoner of War who fall in love during World War II. They face many hardships (disowning from his family, racism, and shunning from towns) but stay together for their whole lives, marry, and have children (One of their sons highly informed the writing of the book!)

This book discusses the discrimination the Black soldiers and nurses faced. They struggled to even be allowed to serve their country, and were treated worse than POWs.

Video: The Unlikely Romance of a Black Nurse & German P.O.W. in WW II

Research

Research “[RACE] + Firsts” and find many more examples of little unknown bits of history where they’ve been involved.

First doesn’t mean it came without limitations, discrimination or hardships. But they happened, and many sooner than you’d think.

Explore beyond what you know about whitewashed history and learn the true stories of People of Color.

Making it “realistic”

People will question how “realistic” it is to feature a Black women in this position for the time period, unfortunately. It doesn’t hurt to provide an explanation until we get to a place where diversity isn’t interrogated when it shows up.

Giving her backstory.

You can briefly explain the journey to the job, such as shortages due to a war. Take a look at those real world firsts for inspiration.

Especially take a look at the specific region of the story. What firsts were there? Any government power influences? How did PoC break barriers to make the strides they did?

Use the web, but also go beyond. Seek books, historians, artwork. Search those “footnotes” for that one sentence mention. (That’s actually how the writer of Enemies in Love found their story. Just a quick sentence and a search for the story began. It helped that she was a journalist!)

Relationships with Peers:

“I will cut off this right arm of mine before I will ever work or demand the ballot for the Negro and not the woman.” - Susan B. Anthony

White women weren’t, historically, welcoming to Black women. For example, white sufferists insisted Black women march in the back of the protests for, allegedly, both their rights. You’ll need to decide how your Black woman is treated in this situation.

You might face the following from peers, superiors, or others:

Hesitation to work or interact with her

Curiosity and intrigue (The “Other”

Unsure of how to approach or be friends with her

Microaggressions

Blatant racism

Your musical doesn’t seem like it is meant to focus too heavily on the hardships. It begs a mention, but just how much is up to you.

Call the Midwife, period racism example

Call the Midwife (BBC) is set in East End London, Late 1950s, early 1960s. The show features a Black midwife named Lucille Anderson. There’s a shortage on nurses so Caribbean nurses were being called in to support the growing population.

Call the Midwife is from a midwife, Jennifer Worth’s, memoir, so it’s based on history.

Check out this short clip: Nurse Lucille Anderson - Call the Midwife

Lucille on Call the Midwife (Take notes!)

The show handles racism and microaggressions very well. It’s not overdone.

Lucille is accepted by her peers and is especially close to one of the girls.

There’s an episode where she actively faces blame and discrimination during a case. It’s a major story line of the episode.

She does face occasional micro-aggressions where she is othered, but it is not every single time she is on screen and not every episode.

Her peers talk to her about her experiences and in the case where she had an aggressive family member to deal with, they tried to protect her by reassigning her from the family. Lucille asks to handle it her way and they respect her decision.

Lucille can mostly perform her job and have peace, and is treated kindly by patients.

She has a personality, a romantic life, family & friendships.

It’s about 90% allowing her to exist, 10% navigating racism/microaggressions. That’s a comfortable, realist balance for such a story and setting.

If you want to check out how they handled these issues for yourself, the show is on Netflix as of this post (2020). She’s introduced in Season 7. (I highly recommend watching this show from the beginning. I cry like every episode, and the diversity of several ethnic backgrounds picks up a lot mid season!)

I’ll kick you three scenarios for your Black radium girl:

Peer Acceptance, Initial Hesitation

awkward friendliness & initial hesitation, perhaps more fear of the unknown vs. hostility

Upon having interactions and talking to her, they become comfortable and accept her. It could take just one simple conversation. Perhaps they’re more used to listening to Black music or have Black staff who work for them, but haven’t had an equal one-on-one experience with WoC without a power dynamic or service involved. Now, with a Black fellow radium girl thrown in a similar situation as them, they could develop kinship.

This might not describe every one of the woman at all. Others might be just fine with her with no awkwardness.

Types of racism experienced:

some micro-aggressions (likely ignorance from peers)

no major racism experienced

Most Peer Acceptance, Racism From Some Peers

Most peers have no problem with her, even if they have their initial awkwardness. 1-2 more aggressive racists who don’t want her there.

Sometimes everyone else gets along, but there’s that 1 bully and their minion, and they feed off each other. If the BS isn’t tolerated by the other girls, it could shut them up to make peace or at least behave themselves. It’s likely someone like this would remain hatefully stubborn, but would grimace from the corner if outnumbered.

In the case you create a situation where someone is hostile to the Black girl but learns better: real apologies and efforts should be made if this occurs. It also doesn’t excuse their past behavior. Read our posts on redemption arcs for more info. We’re not fans, personally.

In an intense racial situation, it would be nice if the girls (with sense) protected and defended her instead of standing idly by. They’re strong enough to rise up against the agencies who poisoned them, so they can fight for their fellow radium sisters if one’s being targeted.

Types of racism experienced:

several micro-aggressions

maybe 1 major incident

Peer Acceptance, Racism from Other People

Radium girl acceptance within, but experiences racism from others she interacts with on/off the job.

The Call the Midwife example fits this one. Lucille’s peers are comfortable with her. It’s some of the ladies she care for and/or their families that may have negative things to say or show hesitance.

I’ll repeat what I said above: it’d be nice if the girls protected and defended her and didn’t stand by idly. Solidarity is important for establishing kinship and trust when it comes to white - woc friendships.

Types of racism experienced:

could vary from some to several micro-aggressions

maybe 1 major incident

Balancing race issues in the musical

Give the intersections of your Black girl’s situation proper attention. You can achieve this without overdoing it or making her whole arc about facing racism.

Perhaps the Black radium girl(s) has a song to express major woes, like segregation and poor treatment, or experiencing dismay over even less of a fighting chance in this fight for their rights.

If anyone does know anything but radium girls of color, please share!

–Mod Colette

#intersectionality #intersectional feminism #women #black #black women #woc #women of color #diversity #poc in history #radium girls #musicials #asks #submission

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cards-onthetable · 5 years

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Lol what?

-me the entire time I watched this episode. I don’t have that many thoughts because I don’t care about any of this at all. LeT’s DiVe iN!

Danny

Remind me who the Delgados are again? I mean, don’t actually bc I don’t care. But I feel like I’d be more invested in this storyline if I remembered.

But damn @ straight up showing a murder like that on screen. That’s A Lot for this show.

Oh the psychic lady is back? This should be fine

I am seriously missing how these cases are all connected. I guess that’s what happens when you spread some story out into 3-4 episodes over two full seasons like what’s with this lame attempt at a cohesive story arc?

We’re moving on to this club setup situation and all I can think about is all of my Questions about this whole phone/wire situation, but it’s fine

Oh, hooray, they caught the guy who killed Linda. Nice.

I don’t know how I feel about this last psychic scene. Like... it’s meaningful, and a Big Deal, but also.... is it that meaningful? To let this psychic lady who Danny’s met like twice now convince him to take off his wedding ring? I would’ve much rather seen that happen over a conversation with Frank or Henry - actual important people in Danny’s life who can offer some insight as two men who have also lost their wives - instead of this nobody psychic getting that role.

Frank & Lena

Dude Frank’s Big Three are hilarious.

Bit ~presumptuous~ of Lena to go around telling folks she has the commissioner’s ear when she’s never met the dude, lol

About to be Frank’s sister??? Um lol I don’t think that’s how the whole in-law thing works but okay

Did Frank Reagan just say the word “icky” on my TV? Lol what? 😂😂😂

GAWD it’s like they’re preparing for war up in the PC’s office. Everyone is sooo awkwarddddd

Lena Janko is ridiculous like, to the point where I can’t even enjoy this 😂😭

“Very masculine” is 100% a nod to “Nice place Reagan...could use a woman’s touch though” except it’s not a nod in a cool way, it’s like the writers rewatched that scene and changed it a little bit so they didn’t have to start from scratch 🙄

GAWD say Edit one more time. Please

Frank is a bigger person than I am yo I would’ve shot that shit right down the second she started asking for courtesy cards like I don’t care whose mother you are

“I KNOW SHE’S VERY SENSITIVE ABOUT THESE THINGS, I WOULDN’T WANT TO UPSET HER” LOLOLOLOLOLOL OF COurse, New Eddie is Very Sensitive and Easily Upset

How widespread was this scheme of Armin’s that apparently people have recognized the Janko name everywhere Lena has moved to? New York is a big city dudes, I’d think she could find some luxury high rise somewhere that isn’t run by her husband’s victims. Like considering Jamie and other cops had never heard of the case back in the day, how Big could it have really been? Lol whatever I’m thinking too much. God knows the writers don’t think when it comes to this shit.

This rich old lady with her tiny cat-dog is my all time favorite Blue Bloods character

“Looks like we might not even need to see the security footage!” Lol @ Garrett with those Detective Skillz

Lena is back in Frank’s office and what is with Frank’s hand gestures/body language? Lol it’s weird af like Frank Reagan should not be pressing a hand to his chest like that 😂

EDIT lolol

I can’t force myself to feel invested in this whole Lena situation oh well

Family dinner

I’m bored of this. they’ve had this exact same conversation 2948 times in the last 9 years

But it’s worth noting that Eddie didn’t cross herself after the prayer which lol, will probably make some people mad (I’ll be lurking on the Facebook page later folks, behave yourselves) but I appreciate it. She’s not Catholic, she hasn’t become Catholic, hooray for reality or whatever.

Jamie & Erin’s case

Lol @ Eddie screaming Jamie’s name on this scene. I thought he’s only Sarge at work? 🙄

Related: you’re still trying to tell me nobody at their damn precinct suspects a thing? Bullshit.

Daaaaaamn @ this bar fight yo.

Jamie Reagan does terrible CPR. I die laughing every time that shit crosses my screen. It’s TV, yeah dude, but like, can we at least make it look a little more realistic? Get his hands in the right spot? If I ever die in a bar fight or dentist’s office somewhere, Jamie Reagan is not who I want responding.

Convenient of this drunk trashbag to admit to the crime as soon as he’s out of earshot of everyone else.

The dude survived all the way to the operating table? LOL NOT AFTER THAT SHIT CPR

ARe yOu CaLLiNg mE a LiAr?! All I can think of is this Classic Moment:

Jamie said “wHaT DiFfErEnCe dOeS iT MaKe?!” twice in thirty seconds, in case anyone still thought this show is well-written and not sloppy

Say TO MY FACE one more time, Jamie. To mY FaCe

Lol that scene in Erin’s office is... fine? It exists? I don’t care about anything all I can think about is where is Anthony’s sixteen-year-old foster son? 🙄

WHY IS ANTHONY TRACKING JAMIE DOWN AT WORK to intervene in his ~professional disagreement~ with Erin? UGH like what makes Anthony so important that he gets all these roles? He’s not A Reagan yet he gets solo scenes/storylines with Erin, Jamie, and Eddie this season?

Why does he even exist? To turn Erin’s lawyer storylines into detective storylines. It’s dumb and demeaning and doesn’t let us see Erin doing her actual job and “Anthony” should not even exist as a role on this show. In this essay I will

“THE BOY SCOUT’S GOT SOME SPUNK AFTER ALL” lol @ that entire sentence

God I’m only halfway through this damn episode someone save me.

LOL @ Anthony yelling at this poor Statue Of Liberty chick. And LOL @ the stabby ragey drunk with fancy lawyers dating some girl whose job is Performance Art in Times Square. 😂😂😂

And now Anthony’s yelling at both of them in his office? I mean I’m all for anyone yelling at Various Reagans but w.h.y. does Anthony exist.

Except LOLOL 4ever @ Anthony pouring himself two shots and then peacing out, CLASSIC.

THE FINAL DINNER SCENE: Frank Officially Meets Lena

Lol this opening of just Frank and Jamie is awkward af

Eddie’s so nervous and jittery. 😂 “I would like... to introduce you.... to my mom...? Maybe?” It’s funny and for once I’m not bothered by this whole Demeanor on Eddie (it makes sense for her to be nervous about introducing her mom to Jamie’s family) but also don’t start talking to me about how this could/should have occurred during Jamie and Eddie’s pre-engagement dating relationship that we were deprived of, it’s fine

Eddie and Jamie’s cute little “hey...hey” was like, the most meaningful/cute/appropriate-for-an-engaged-couple Moment they’ve had all season, so thaf’s where we’re at now.

Lol I’m so pleased @ how Nothing that scene was.

I’m going to go give my three dogs a bath. It’ll be more fun and interesting than this episode, so. ✌️

#sandy hates it all #blue bloods #9x19 common enemies

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livingmybestfictionallife · 7 years

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Luckily Unlucky

Anon Request: Hi!! Thanks for your amazing writing, you are a blessing!! (A/N: you’re too kind :D ) Could you do a tom holland x reader where you've been together for a year or so but you have never really have had the chance to go and visit him on set because you're busy with school but when you finaly do you can't contain your excitement bc ur a really big Marvel fan and you geek out about everything, even the smallest things and Tom just finds you the most adorable human being and u also meet seb who's ur celeb crush and u freak out

Warnings: a little language

robertdowneyjr @tomholland2013 is bring his leading lady to set. Are we embarrassing him enough??

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It was hard to not scroll through Instagram without being bombarded with people tagging her in pictures hoping to be recognized by Tom, being sent direct messages asking for personal information about her and Tom’s relationship, and even having reporters pose as fans online. Social media became a form of hell for (Y/N) after she started dating Tom, but seeing the photo Robert Downey Jr. tagged Tom in earlier today had been a relief from the regular occurring torment.

“You didn’t tell me Benedict Cumberbatch was going to be there,” she gasped while turning to face Tom as he sat in the driver’s seat, maneuvering his way around Atlanta traffic.

“You’re such a Sherlock nerd I figured you’d deduce that much,” he replied with a smirk.

“Will you please just tell me who all is going to be there?” she begged.

“And ruin the surprise?” he laughed as (Y/N) continued to pretend pout in the passenger seat. As they pulled into a large parking lot surrounded by fences and electronic gates, (Y/N) shifted impatiently in her seat.

“Can you promise me one thing?” she asked as Tom looked over at her with a smile on his face as his eyes beamed into hers.

“Anything love,” he said softly.

“Don’t let me make a fool of myself,” she stated while only lead Tom into a lighthearted laugh. “I’m serious!” she quickly protested. “Don’t let me look like an idiot in front of anyone, okay?!” Tom continued to laugh and pursed her lips together and narrowed her eyes at him. Upon seeing this, Tom placed his hands on either side of her face and smiled.

“There is no way anyone could think you’re an idiot, (Y/N), but I will make sure you don’t turn into a luny fangirl in front of anyone,” he promised before placing his lips on hers.

“That is all I ask for,” she laughed in response as Tom pulled her into one last kiss before exiting the vehicle and hurrying to her door. From the outside, everything seemed normal; big white buildings towered over the trailers, golf carts hurriedly scurried through open pathways, and people walked wherever shade was available. There was nothing too different or exciting about set upon first laying eyes on it, and Tom knew this.

“What’s the matter?” he teased (Y/N), “Why aren’t you excited?” Figuring he was taunting her for getting herself worked up about a bunch of buildings, (Y/N) shrugged in a slightly defeated manner which only caused Tom to suppress the sly grin he had been hiding while his heart jumped from excitement.

“What are all these buildings?” she asked, trying not to sound let down but rather inquisitive of her surroundings.

“Different studios and such,” Tom continued while peeling away from his girlfriend’s side and bounding up a couple of metal steps toward a doorway. “This way, love,” he called to her as she continued her pace toward him. He opened the door and escorted her into the dark room. (Y/N) clung to Tom’s arm, afraid of getting lost and not being able to find her way out--a very realistic fear considering Tom once unknowingly abandoned her in an escape room filled with porcelain dolls.

Tom flicked the lights on, illuminating the room they stood in. Immediately, (Y/N)’s eyes flashed to Tom in excitement, anticipation, and a slight bit of fear. Looking around, she realized she must have been standing in the wardrobe department since individual sections for each of the sixty-something main characters wardrobe changes hung on racks beside their respective props.

“Am I even allowed to be in here?” she asked Tom who shrugged in response. Honestly, he didn’t know where (Y/N) could and could not go, but the wide-eye heart fluttering excitement that flooded her beautiful face was something he couldn’t pass up regardless of rules. “Is that--” she couldn’t finish her sentence before she took a few steps closer to the relic that appeared to Steven Strange: the cloak of levitation. “No way!” she yelled as her attention flashed to Red Wing, Anthony Mackie’s character’s ‘pet’ robot. “And the wing pack?” she gasped while picking it up and then hurriedly glancing at Tom. “Can I?”

“It’s not like Anthony’s my biggest fan anyway,” he teased and watched as (Y/N) slid her arms into the prop with its wings already extended. With her back toward Tom, she glanced down over her shoulder to look at the wing only to hear the snapping noise of Tom’s phone as he took her photo. “You look much better in that than Anthony,” he teased.

“Don’t you dare send that to him!” she shouted.

“Fine,” Tom sighed, “I won’t yet.” (Y/N) rolled her eyes and then quickly put the prop back where she found it before rushing over to Peter Quill’s prop and wardrobe station. Immediately she put on the helmet, strapped the walkman to her belt loop, and held up his blaster and waited for Tom to take her picture again. For the next hour Tom followed his giddy girlfriend around as she grabbed whatever prop she could find and posed dorkily with them. By the end, in addition to the photos Tom already took, he had pictures of her peeking over the cloak of levitation, pretending to pick up Mjölnir and then raising the hammer victoriously, ducking behind Captain America’s new shield, raising her fist in the air as the infinity gauntlet covered the better part of her forearm, and his favorite: fem!spidey. Tom and (Y/N) had started dating shortly after the premier of Spider-Man: Homecoming and so the idea of her wearing the suit wasn’t possible until today.

“What do you think?” she asked while pretending to shoot webs at him.

“Damn I love you,” he laughed while taking numerous photos of his girlfriend being a dork in his costume. Oddly enough it fit her surprisingly well and, though he would never admit it, he loved seeing her in it more than he loved being Spider-Man. “If Peter Parker ever does a gender twist like Thor, I’ll commission for you to take over,” Tom said while pulling (Y/N) into a hug.

“You’re a dork,” she laughed at him while wrapping her arms around his waist.

“You’re the one in the Spider-Man suit!”

“You’re the one getting off on it!”

“Shut up,” he muttered in a fluster as his cheeks turned a light shade of pink. “Change back, it’s nearly lunch and some people are excited to meet you.” Once (Y/N) was back in her t-shirt and shorts, Tom grabbed her hand and the pair left out the door they came in and started walking toward where the trailers were gathered.

“Where are we going?” she asked as Tom put his arm around her waist and she did the same to him.

“Downey Town,” he said proudly.

“I won’t want to go to town,” she said in a complaining tone, teasing Tom.

“When are you going be nice to me today?” he laughed while poking her sides. “You’re welcome for me making all of the mistakes you can learn from, by the way.”

“Thank you so much for embarrassing yourself back then so I can not seems as strange,” she replied, “but if you introduce me to Robert’s stunt double on purpose, I will hurt you, Holland.” The two arrived at a collection of trailers set up to remind (Y/N) of the way the cabins were described at Camp Half-Blood. Slowly, Tom and (Y/N) made their way into the grouping of trailers to see a large, standing extendable tent set up with benches and picnic tables placed underneath and a catering company setting up lunch. Throughout the courtyard were the various actors filming Infinity War this week. Paul Rudd, Mark Ruffalo and Robert Downey Jr. stood beside Benedict Cumberbatch and Benedict Wong just outside under the awning of one trailer and Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie and the Chrises were gathered together under another awning.

“Are you okay?” Tom asked (Y/N) again as her grip on his waist tightened unexpectedly.

“Y-yeah,” she started, “it’s just...there’s a lot of people.”

“You wanted to meet them all, right?” She found herself unable to respond and instead quickly nodded her head. “Well then, come on,” he smiled to her and pulled her toward RDJ’s gathering of actors.

“Tom,” (Y/N) murmured quietly they approached.

“Uh huh?”

“Don’t let me say Bobby Newport in a menacing voice near Paul Rudd,” she hurried to say.

“Why the hell would you say that?”

“Just don’t let me,” she stated, “okay?”

“Okay, love,” Tom laughed and pulled (Y/N) against his side in hopes to make her feel more comforted and less anxious. Before she knew it, (Y/N) was face to face with RDJ and Mark Ruffalo, who just happened to be the first two people to turn around as stye approached.

“Welcome to the party, Tom,” Robert called while stretching out his arm and taking Tom under him in a side hug. “And this must be the lovely, (Y/N) I’ve heard so much about,” he said while pulling her into a warm hug and kissing her cheek. He left his arm across her shoulders and looked between Tom and (Y/N) before turning his attention back to the girl. “Blink twice if he’s got you under some sort of Stockholm Syndrome thing,” Robert joked, “it’s the only way a guy like him could get someone as gorgeous as you.” (Y/N) could feel her face blush a little at his compliment but was quick to humble herself.

“I’m the lucky one,” she laughed. “Had there not been a screw up with my hotel room, we would have never met.”

“And then we would have never met, and I mean, come on,” he said while raising his hands in the air and moving them up and down like a triple beam balance, “me, Tom, me, Tom. Me? Tom?” A smirk grew across Tom’s lips as he tipped his side of Robert’s imaginary scale upward.

“Tom,” he said with a smile as his fingers found their way toward (Y/N)’s. As soon as (Y/N) was beginning to grow comfortable in her situation, Tom, Robert, Mark, and Wong were whisked away to help with food set up, leaving (Y/N) in the company of Benedict Cumberbatch, AKA Sherlock Holmes, AKA her favorite childhood icon.

“Hello,” he said with a smile and then extending his hand, “I don’t believe we’ve met.” She graciously took his hand in hers and smiled.

“I’m (Y/N),” she said quickly. “I’m visiting Tom today on set--Tom Holland, not Hiddleston, but if you know where he is I wouldn’t mind visiting him either,” she laughed anxiously. To her surprise, Benedict began to laugh as well.

“You’re Tom’s girlfriend, aren’t you?” he said in realization and slight surprise. (Y/N) nodded. “How did you meet? I know he told me you were a fan.” (Y/N) bit her lip and swallowed hard before speaking.

“I flew out to LA for Comic Convention and there was a mixup with my hotel rooms. They gave me the wrong key and wrong room number and it ended up being Tom’s room. Oddly enough I was at the convention to meet him in the first place.

“Funny how things worked out,” Benedict smiled.

“Yeah,” she said hesitantly.

“He speaks highly of you, you know?” he continued.

“Does he now?” (Y/N) began to laugh.

“One of the first things he said about you to me was how he tried to introduce you to ‘Sherlock--’”

“And I had seen more episodes than him?” I finished and Benedict nodded with a light grin on his face. “Yeah, I had a teacher in high school who played series one for us in class when we went over induction and deduction. Its’ easily one of my favorite shows.”

“What did you think of the plot line with Mary?” he asked, his voice holding genuine interest toward her opinion. Out of the corner of her eye, (Y/N) could see Tom returning and hurried to speak before he arrived.

“I enjoyed her character as well as what she brought to both John and Sherlock’s lives, but I also see that, with her past, and with Amanda and Martin splitting, there was no other way for it to end for her than the way it did.”

“I agree,” he smiled as Tom approached. “I love Amanda and I loved working with her and Martin but--and here’s a little slip about the next series--I think John and Sherlock are going to go back to their roots a bit more but still have Mary as a guiding voice for each of them deep down.”

“I knew the conversation would turn to this,” Tom laughed as he came back.

“I don’t want to keep you for very long, but I’d love to talk to you again before you leave,” Benedict said while shaking (Y/N)’s hand in departure. Tom and (Y/N) said their farewells to Benedict and she followed him toward a picnic table to wait for lunch to begin. They were alone for a total of ten seconds before a figure slid in front of them, a smirk plastered across his face.

“Tom, I’ve got you a little something,” he cooed while sliding a tumbler in front of Tom on the table.

“Is this my juice?” Tom laughed.

“Yeah, and there’s a surprise in it this time,” Anthony stated as Tom took a sip. Immediately, Tom’s lips curled as an unexpected burning caused his tastebuds to tingle.

“Thanks,” Tom replied as he adjusted to the alcohol in his cranberry juice.

“Pratt’s idea,” Anthony said as Chris Pratt slid onto the bench beside Anthony, accompanied by Chris Evans, Paul Rudd, and Sebastian Stan. (Y/N) could hardly contain her excitement as she noticed everyone around her: Chris Evans on her left, Tom on her right, and Anthony, Sebastian, Chris Pratt, and Paul across from her, all awaiting lunch to be served, and for some reason, all excited to meet her: a nobody who was lucky enough to be unlucky when it comes to booking hotel rooms.

“We brought one for your lady friend too, if she drinks that sort of thing,” Chris Pratt said and slid a plastic cup in front of (Y/N). She took a quick sip of the ice juice laced with what tasted like rum and then turned her attention back to the group.

“I’m assuming you know us by how much Tom drones on and on about how amazing we are,” Anthony cooed.

“And we pretty much know you from how often Tom talks about (Y/N) this, (Y/N) that,” Sebastian smiled while teasing her boyfriend.

“Now that you’ve met her can you blame me for talking about her so much?” Tom laughed while gesturing toward (Y/N).

“Is it true you’re a super huge fan of the comics and all?” Pratt asked.

“Uh, yeah.” she said hesitantly and then took another sip of her drink.

“Okay, then who’s your favorite superhero?” Chris Evans asked.

“Marvel or DC?” (Y/N) asked in return.

“Both,” Anthony interjected.

“Well for DC it’s Raven, hands down and for Marvel, well as a kid it was Spider-Man; my dad and I would sit down and watch the Tobey McGuire movies all the time, and but once I really got into the comics, I was a fan of the Winter Soldier storyline, but I’ve gotta go with Domino, she’s pretty bad ass,” (Y/N) responded.

“Raven and Domino?” Pratt asked. “Not Star Lord?”

“Or Falcon?” Anthony chimed in.

“I could see you as Domino,” Sebastian said while looking over (Y/N)’s face and a small smile rose.

“But why those two?” Paul asked.

“They’re smart and can out wit anyone and are talented and strong enough to also overpower anyone as well.”

“What even is Domino’s powers?” Tom asked, turning toward his girlfriend as he continued to learn new things about her preferences.

“So long as she makes an attempt to avoid or prevent something, she’s able to. Say if someone was trying to shoot her, if she moves, or makes an attempt to move out of the way, she won’t be hit, no matter what.”

“She’s also super tactically trained,” Sebastian added in (Y/N)’s favor.

“That too,” (Y/N) said while taking another sip to cool her as the Atlanta heat overcame the air.

“And why Raven?” Tom asked.

“She’s easily the most powerful and most bad ass character in all of the DC universe!” (Y/N) couldn’t control her excitement while talking to superheroes about superheroes. “She’s half demon, has the ability to wield dark magic for good purposes, has basically no weaknesses, and mental powers are always more powerful and stronger than physical abilities.”

“That’s not necessarily true,” Tom tried to argue.

“My point was proven in Civil War. No one could touch Vision besides Wanda--the only Avenger to have a mental ability rather than a physical one. She singlehandedly fucked everyone up in Age of Ultron too,” (Y/N) defended.

“You really know your stuff, huh?” Chris Evans said with a hint of admiration.

“Don’t even get her started on Batman,” Tom murmured as food was slowly being placed in front of everyone.

“What’s wrong with Batman?” Anthony asked, leading Tom to groan and grab (Y/N)’s hand tightly in his.

“Please don’t do this,” he begged her.

“Why, what’s so wrong with Batman?” Anthony pushed as Tom glared at him.

“My best mate, Harrison, couldn’t talk to her for a week after she tore down every argument supporting Batman as being a superhero.”

“That’s because he’s not a superhero,” (Y/N) interrupted.

“Here we go,” Tom grumbled and then laughed. “Do you see what you did Anthony?”

“Wait, I want to hear this!” Sebastian said from across the table and then extended his arms to silence everyone and gave (Y/N) his full attention. “Please, go on,” he smiled and gestured for her to continue talking.

“There’s nothing about him that makes him ‘super.’ He has no ‘super’ human or advanced qualities about him.”

“He knows almost every form of martial arts,” Anthony countered.

“That doesn’t make him a super hero. It makes him a master of martial arts. Batman is nothing more than a person who knows things and has money. There is nothing about him that makes him ‘super.’”

“Then what’s the difference between him and Tony Stark or Clint Barton?” Paul asked.

“Clint know’s he’s a marksman and ex-spy. He may be a hero, but he know’s he’s not a ‘super’ hero. I try to avoid the Tony Stark argument because it goes both ways: you can say the arc reactor is something that makes him ‘super’ because it’s keeping him alive, but then again, it was developed by him: billionaire, genius, playboy, philanthropist; notice ‘superhero’ isn’t on the list.”

“Okay, then what about Black Widow?” Sebastian asked while leaning over the table and facing (Y/N).

“Trick question,” she muttered while mimicking his position. “How else would someone born in 1928 look like their only 29 in the year 2017? She received a similar variation of the Super Soldier Serum used on Steve and Bucky--which also explains how Bucky trained her in the Red Room.”

“Leading to their subsequent relationship,” Sebastian stated.

“Which the movies have been subtly hinting at.”

“Damn, you two are fucking nerds,” Anthony laughed as he and Tom agreed on something while laughing at Sebastian and (Y/N)’s back and forth.

“I told you guys not to get her going,” Tom laughed and then put his hand on (Y/N)’s leg as he looked at her with pride and admiration. The group continued talking as they ate their way through lunch. Conversation fluttered between comics, movies, books, and other things of entertainment, to (Y/N)’s degree in school, her and Tom recounting the story of how they met, and even bringing up the fact that Chris Pratt and Paul Rudd had worked together already, which lead Pratt into the scene where Ben, Andy, Tom, and Jerry were trying to make a negative ad about the Bobby Newport campaign. Sebastian, Anthony, and (Y/N) all joined in with him at Paul’s expense and toward the end of their meal, (Y/N) was more reluctant to leave than she was hesitant to arrive. Anthony forced Tom to promise to bring (Y/N) around more often and even invited the couple out with the rest of the cast that night, saying that bringing (Y/N) with Tom was the only way he would be allowed at the grown up’s table.

Knowing that (Y/N) was more than likely exhausted, Tom took her back to his trailer to rest where she was unable to stop thanking him for the amazing day and repeatedly telling him over and over how he was the best boyfriend and most amazing best friend anyone could ask for, and that she was so fortunate to have met him, let alone grow close to him in the way they have become with one another.

#tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x reader #tom x reader #tom holland fanfic #thomas stanley holland #thomas stanley holland fanfiction #marvel #marvel fanfiction

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sadstonershawty · 4 years

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not that i thought genuinely that me and anthony were going somewhere bc i always have that thing in my head that’s like “this won’t last”....but i did feel like we were going SOMEWHERE emotionally. i don’t know where that somewhere was. i can’t help but feel like it’s over tho. idk if that’s my inner skeptic/cynic, or if it’s my intuition (which i think is one of my bigger issues.. my emotions are so strong that sometimes they flood out my intuition and i end up having trouble discerning between the two). part of me also feels tho like it’s not over. like something else will happen but i’m not quite sure what. it would really suck tho if, after the shit me and anthony have cultivated together (even if it is JUST some type of connection), he’s just ghosting me or something. i just would really hope that he would feel more emotionally responsibility than to just never talk to me again.

i think i also need to stop reading so much into it and stop giving him the benefit of the doubt, and just start taking shit at face value. bc what else am i supposed to do? after all, giving him that extra bonus just hurts me. like thinking “oh maybe he’s just doing this to see if i’ll make the extra effort to reach out” instead of seeing him not texting me back (yet still texting me sometimes?) is just him being uncommunicative and unreliable. i mean i knew i couldn’t fully depend on him like that esp at this juncture anyways. so i can’t say it’s THAT shocking. but it’s just fucking annoying. like if he’s just busy i wish he’d fucking say that. i’m a very understanding person and i would understand that 100%. bc i’m a supportive friend at the end of the day that really genuinely wants to see all the ppl in my life doing well and being happy.

i feel like, however, i have finally really accepted that whatever is meant to be in my life will be no matter what. and it’s weird...bc me and anthony seem to have found our way back to each other a couple times now. like we hung out in high school and he said himself he was so drugged out and depressed that’s why he ghosted me back then. so i don’t fr fault him for that (particularly since i already gave him shit for it and i can tell he knows it was shitty). but when i broke things off w him he still didn’t unfollow me, he still viewed my stories. and while i was the one to initiate us talking again most recently, he didn’t act differently towards me. like surprisingly enough he seems to have welcomed me back as if nothing’s changed each time (“welcome me back” the way anthony does anyways lol, but i know and have a pretty good understanding of him and do see that the things he does mean more than the things he doesn’t say bc i know he’s not good w words and that’s jus simply not how he shows his emotions fr). i don’t think fr that we’re like DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER, bc i’m very aware how much shit would have to change (like his mild drug addiction) for us to work. and like genuinely change, not just change FOR ME, which isn’t something i can force and i know that.

but i did our tarot cards type shit tonight and what i got from it was basically that i’m good/solid, how i’m going abt this is good/solid. i just need to be patient—- (w that said tho, i’ll only “wait” for so long before it’s dead to me....that means if he hasn’t texted me in like a week aka tuesday type shit it’s DEAD. i know i can have and also fucking deserve someone that holds space for me and does all the shit i want/need in a relationship. which i’m realizing more and more , what i thought i want/needed is not actually fr the case. the things i thought i wanted like a clingy type of person isn’t actually what’s good for me. the type that coos at me how beautiful i am and how great i am.....again, that usually overwhelms me and i’m seeing more that those types are ALMOST ALWAYS all talk. that doesn’t mean anthony is forsure the person for me, but i’m realizing what i thought i wanted is kind of the opposite of what i truly want and need from someone) —— and i also got that i cannot carry this shit on my own. i can’t make something work if i’m not being met halfway. more importantly , it’s not fucking fair to ME. i have done that so fucking much in the past that i can’t do it anymore and i am trying my best to simply NOT do that anymore. i’m becoming more precious to me in my mind, where i don’t want to put myself in these uncomfortable positions. because i really just deserve so much???? and i don’t have to settle lmao. at all. i accept that all the bullshit i’ve let into my life/condoned in the past was all for this feeling. i can’t be sad that “it took me this long” bc i am here now. and everything is as it’s meant to be. and i accept that. i accept all of the “bad” things. bc they weren’t bad things in hindsight. i wouldn’t be the same, had i not gone thru all of that. *i am as i should be and everything is fine* ........ but anyways, back to the tarot cards lol (bc i guess i’m so ADD even when i journal out my thoughts directly i end up rambling.. whatever hahaha it’s cool to read over in the future and see exactly where my mind was going and the exact thought processes without trying to edit myself or make it make sense to others bc i fr always be knowin what i mean lmao), i think it was also saying that fr we could have a future together tho. that doesn’t mean it’s guaranteed. but i think it was saying that if anthony can meet me halfway we can cultivate good, beautiful things together. but that doesn’t happen from pressing things or rushing shit. it doesn’t happen from backing someone into a corner and trying to fucking convince them to love me.

even if we don’t work out, even if he does/is ghosting me, i have learned honestly so much from this. i don’t think JUST this situationship, i think it’s a mix of things.....but i do think all of this is supposed to be happening rn. bc this is truly banging it into my head that i can’t force things, and when i hold tightly onto things that’s when they’re taken away from me. and by letting things run their course without expectations of the outcome or without some sort of timeline for shit; i cultivated a connection w someone i really never thought i would have any type of connection w at all??? and also learning by seeing that if u give someone the space without being so forceful to open up, and giving them the time, they will come to u at some point at least to some degree. forcing shit is just not the move and i don’t want to live like that anymore. i’ve been forcing the river to flow the way i wanted it to and that was causing me so much fucking pain and suffering. it was making everything in my life crumble. although that was a mistake, i am thankful for that. bc it made new things and ways of being emerge. i don’t want to go back to that way of being, so i won’t. i will let things come and go because that is the way of life. and it’s okay to let things go bc if they’re meant to be life will make that intersect again. when it’s right. or even not when it’s right; just to test u or end up teaching u a lesson in the end if u fail that test.

i have to trust myself , i have to stop doubting my emotions and my perception of things. because i’m not dumb. again, even if anthony does ghost me, i have to trust that what i saw and felt weren’t false. even if i slightly perceived things incorrectly , as i’m not a mind reader, and even as a very intuitive and perceptive being i am wrong sometimes. but i’m not dumb. i am not (esp at this point in time) THAT desperate for love that i would fabricate everything in my head. i might be wrong abt minor things that i perceive in these types of situations. but i know i’m not fuckin making up our connection in my head . like even w chad, where i’m over it enough to see it pretty fuckin clearly, (aka was prolly the most self destructive thing i let myself do this year lol) i may have fabricated the person he was in my head based on what he COULD BE (bc i’m the type of person that wants to see the good in ppl, where sometimes i lose my grip w reality and again, read into things and give ppl the benefit of the doubt TOO much based on incorrect assumptions), but i know i didn’t fabricate our like connection. i think realistically, he enjoyed the affection and attention i gave him more than he did the real me. but i don’t think he literally “didn’t care abt me” like gyen tried to say. which i think she was jus tryna protect me when she said that so i don’t take that to heart anymore. and even telling ken and vanessa (two of the most intuitive ppl i know lol), they told me they think he has some sort of feelings for me too as i thought. and i know that both of them aren’t the type to jus feed me bullshit. especially since i know they deeply care abt me and they know how i am sometimes aka go in headstrong if i think the other person has feelings (which again, proud of myself bc i haven’t done that here and i won’t again i’m promising myself rn). realizing how anthony is w him being an “actions and little shit OVER words” type of person, i see that he does have feelings for me on some level. seeing how he would explain himself to me even when i didn’t ask. and seeing how he started looking at me. seeing how at the beginning of us hanging out it would be ME that forced him to give me a hug when i left bc that isn’t his first inclination....and then how that developed into him starting to hug me on his own when he left.....and then to kissing me on the forehead as he hugged me..and then to actually kissing me when he left. especially how at the beginning of us reconnecting in like january, we wouldn’t fr talk that much (which tbh i’ve always liked in us bc we can jus chill without every moment being filled w talking...in a good way) and would ALWAYS have sex. to then, these past couple weeks when we’ve been hanging out he was actually the one not wanting to have sex bc he wanted to like just hang out ???? i know that i can sometimes see meaning in things that don’t always have meaning .....but again, i really do not think i’m making all of it up in my head. i think w someone that doesn’t express their feelings verbally very well, he was showing me in his own “anthony” way he cared deeply abt me.

((((( it does make me proud tho abt how far i’ve come seeing how i’m handling all this. i’m so reactionary and i know i’ve had the impulse to message him and go off a couple times now, but the fact that i’m giving him space and i’m not wracking my brain like “oh what if he’s w another bitch wah wah wah 😭” (esp since as i’m typing this the thought did come across my mind esp since when we were together i know he wasn’t physically w any other bitches since we spent so much fuckin time together, and i did see he still had the tinder app on his phone when we were hanging) but at the end of the day i know what a bad bitch i am. i know how amazing and wholesome and vast my love is. i know how intelligent and giving and warm i am. i’m becoming secure in myself enough to not worry abt other bitches bc while it’s not a competition, i’m not BETTER than anyone, i know there isn’t another girl like me. and the right person will see that without me having to prove that to them by overextending myself and shit. so even if he is w another girl.....okay? and he’ll see what a great fuckin girl i am esp if he is hanging w other girls lmao ))))))

so to reiterate myself, even if this is the end.....i’m okay w it. i respect that if that’s what comes , that’s what is supposed to happen u know? but i need to respect myself ; and if i’ve given anthony plenty of space and it doesn’t look like he’s coming back..then i’m cutting that bridge. i don’t need to leave so many doors open. bc i’ve done that and it’s exhausting. it’s exhausting to not close doors out of fear of things completely ending. and at the end of the day it’s not respectful to myself and my peace of mind. i haven’t decided fully if i want to say something to him in the case if he does ghost me or whatever. bc my initial inclination is of course to go off on him. but i’m learning my intial inclination is not always right. sometimes i feel torn between that, or not saying anything at all and just completely blocking him without saying a word just so he’ll know he fucked up/end up regretting it. but if that’s why i would do that then i’m not sure it’s in my greater good because i just don’t fr think i should do something just to make someone “feel a way” that i have no idea that they will actually feel. like it’s possible if i did that, he wouldn’t feel anything at all. maybe he wouldn’t even notice lmao. which i kinda doubt fr. i also need to check my real motives if i were to go off on him as a way of cutting that bridge. bc i always say it’s for my peace of mind to “close that door” but it might also sometimes be a way of reaching out one last time to GET that remorse. so maybe that’s why blocking someone on everything completely scares me? bc i wouldn’t ever know if they felt bad, which i think would make me feel weird. but i think maybe sometimes it’s good to just do that. idk. i guess i’ll cross that bridge when and if i get to it. i fr hope he would give me some sort of explanation, but i know i’ve felt before like someone SHOULD give me that out of respect for me. however on the flip i also know how much guys in general struggle w taking responsibility. and it seems like no guys my age , even AROUND my age, can fuckin do that. (which might explain my urge to go off on guys in situations like these. bc i think maybe my thought process is “if they won’t hold themselves responsible or try to make excuses for themselves, I WILL hold them responsible” and tbh rn i don’t have enough perspective to sort out if that’s toxic/damaging to myself or not...... food for thought tho lol. i’ll def think abt that more. bc we out here BREAKING FUCKING TOXIC AND SELF DESTRUCTIVE CYCLES RN BABY!!!!!!)

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