#but I am literally tired all the time and I have sleep paralysis and hallucinations when falling asleep and waking up | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yourgamemasterthewhiterabbit · 18 days

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I have reached the point of "regular sleep" where the insomnia hours have completely devoured my original sleeping time. I lay there relaxing for hours on end until it's nearly 5am and I have to get up, then I need to be awake from 5 until at least 10 so I can run errands safely, and then I can only sleep from about 10am until 2 pm...

That's 4 hours out of 24, with chronic fatigue

And yet sleeping that little doesn't help me fall asleep any faster the next night.

And that's the ongoing problem.

I am exhausted so I sleep

My brain forms and breaks patterns at a single repetition so I sleep at the same time the next day

This keeps up for a week of okay sleep

I start experiencing really wild dreams or worse depending on how long I push myself to stay on this existing schedule and not just nap when I am tired or get the sudden overwhelming sleepies

This escalated until insomnia and alertness completely overtakes the times of day my brain had JUST decided it wanted to be sleeping

This happens twice as fast when I am trying to sleep at night rather than during the day

No matter how many migraines I force myself awake through to sleep at bedtime, once it gets to bedtime I am so awake and alert I cannot physically sleep even if I take melatonin or sleeping pills, or both and lay there thinking calm thoughts, even for 10 hours

I get so exhausted I just let my body sleep whenever it wants and the cycle starts again

The only alternative I have ever had is just sleep when I get sleepy, which can be for up to 16 hours a day.

The problem is that tends to be during the day. It has been that way since I was a literal baby. My mothers tells me stories about me being so sleepy all day I'd fall asleep in my food and being awake all night cooing quietly to myself on the baby monitor. She tells me stories about me being a toddler and getting up in the middle of the night to play.

So now, my options are:

Try to force myself to stay awake all day and hope that means I can sleep tonight at 6 pm, which looks doubtful and will give me a migraine while I have no advil left in the house, and which will perpetuate the increasing night terrors, sleep paralysis and waking-up/falling asleep hallucinations problem... OR

Let myself sleep during the 4 hours my brain will let me and then continue this cycle of only sleeping 4 hours a day and being too exhausted to do anything.

Caffeine hasn't been helping, not even having both tea and coke right before my 10 am nap time. All it does is focus me, which -if I am already tired- just helps me fall asleep. Caffeine before my bedtime doesn't help because the problem is already that I feel too alert...

Complicating this is the fact that Pumpkin is DEAD SET on screaming every 3 hours for food and will not fucking quit it even when we are on a regular schedule. So on the off chance I don't wake up on my own after useless intervals, he does it.

I just want to sleep at night during regular times and wake up feeling rested. That is all I want. That is all I have ever wanted, but people keep acting like my irregular sleeping patterns are a choice or a product of me not trying hard enough.

My last option is go to bed now and ride the sleepiness all day and night if I can and maybe finally wake up at 3am tomorrow, but the problem is that requires skipping meals. Also Pumpkin will scream the entire time because he won't just eat the food that's already in his dish.

Failing all that, I let my schedule flip and be nocturnal.

The problem with that is then I can't clean or organize anything because that would be making noise at night. My neighbours are okay blasting dance music till midnight, but if I make noise cleaning they will try to report me.

Maybe if I keep myself warm, keep sipping hot drinks and eating a lot, and keep myself moving periodically and watching something, I can stay awake without a splitting headache and continue the regular sleep experiment.

#I am torn between that and just letting myself sleep I am so cold and tired

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creweemmaeec11 · 3 years

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My Demonic Lullaby

A hero x demon snippet partly inspired by both @the-modern-typewriter and @amethystpath-writes hero and demon snippets. This idea actually predates my sleep paralysis snippet, but I never got around to writing it till their snippets got me back on the hero x demon train 😂 Next part to follow soon hopefully!

Insomnia really sucked, Ellory decided. He was already *exhausted* from the fight with one of the cities top villains earlier that day. He was aching all over, his head was throbbing, it was already 3am and yet he *still* couldn't fall asleep.

The hero rolled over onto his back with a groan, both from annoyance and the pain of moving. His ribs ached, still, open cuts stung. His hands came up to rub his face and eyes.

"What I wouldn't give to be able to sleep like a normal person," Ellory mumbled under his breath.

He closed his eyes, flipped his pillow for the * fourth* time that night, and thunked his head back down to the bed.

"Seriously," he muttered to the empty air, "what is it going to cost for me to sleep?"

Ellory had asked the question more to himself, as if asking his brain what he had to do to finally get the rest he so desperately craved.

He wasn't expecting an *actual* answer.

"Need some help?" a low and smooth voice asked from what sounded like the corner of the room.

Ellory tried to snap his head in the direction of the voice, only to be unimpressed by the fact he couldn't move.

"*Oh you have GOT to be kidding me*" Ellory mentally groaned, "*I ask to sleep and what do I get? Sleep paralysis, and even a disembodied voice hallucination to go with it!*"

Suddenly the voice chuckled, "Not quite,"

Now, the hero wasn't new to sleep paralysis. He didn't get it often, but every now and then it would creep its way in. This was the first time it had ever happened *before* going to sleep though. It was also the first time he'd ever hallucinated.

Ellory knew that there were others who had crazy hallucinations, even knew one hero who said they got them almost every night. (Even though they gave Ellory a weird look when they said they'd been getting better recently) Luckily for him though, prior to tonight, the worst he'd ever seen was a shadow or two.

His eyes turned, glancing over as best he could to the corner of his room. Despite the darkness, he could see some vaguely human-shaped swirling shadow. The only way he could make it out at all was because it was somehow even *darker* than the shadows around it.

Luckily, the shadow was just kind of standing there, and despite what his other hero friend had said, it didn't look very scary...

The hero mentally sighed again, letting his eyes slip closed. He was *so* tired. Why couldn't he just sleep?!

"That would probably be the insomnia," the voice stated sarcastically.

"*Thank you captain obvious,*" the hero mentally retorted, before stopping, "*great, now I am literally having a conversation with myself. Maybe villain DID hit me in the head too hard today,"*

The disembodied voice snickered again. Though highly amused, it wasn't mocking or unkind.

"No, you're head is fine. But you never answered my question," the shadow-thing said, its vague shape shifting over, more into Ellory's sight.

Whatever hallucination his brain had come up with didn't seem to be going away any time soon.

"*And that was?*" the hero replied. He had nothing better to do than to just amuse... well, himself; he supposed.

"Would you like some help sleeping?"

"*I would LIKE to be asleep already! And real sleeping, not this nonsense,*"

"I can help," the voice offered, seemingly as the shape took a step forward.

"*Oh I'm sure you can*" the hero replied sarcastically, "*If so, then why aren't you?*"

"You need to say yes for us to make a deal,"

Whatever hallucination Ellorys brain had decided to come up with, it certainly picked... an interesting voice. There wasn't anything wrong with the voice itself, in fact, it was quite pleasant to listen to. It sounded slightly masculine, low and gentle, yet not raspy in the slightest, like whatever this illusion was had never had a sore throat in their life. The weird thing, was it sounded confident and in control, but *wasn't*. The hero had been around villains enough to detect when a false bravado was just that; fake.

Especially with nothing else to do but listen, Ellory was able to easily pick up on the slight hesitations, the shaky undertones, and even the way the tones shifted, despite his sleep-deprived state.

Why would his brain come up with such a random yet weirdly detailed hallucination?

Maybe he *had* hit his head more than once.

"*A deal?*" the hero groaned again, "*Just sleep already!*"

"I can ensure you get a good night's rest every night, if you'd like...just tell me; do I have your permission to help you sleep?"

"*Yes! Please!*" Ellory internally cried. He was arguing - no, *begging* - his own hallucination. That's what tonight has devolved to.

"Very well then," the disembodied voice hummed. The last thing the hero remembered was opening his eyes to see the shadow move closer before things went black.

The next thing Ellory knew, he awoke the next morning, feeling shockingly well-rested.

What a weird dream he'd had last night.

The hero moved to get up, before remembering he was injured and braced for the wave of pain... only for nothing to come.

He looked down, lifting up his shirt to examine his abdomen and... what the hell?

What had previously been a sprawling mess of deep slashes, purplish-black bruises and swelling was now nothing more than a few scrapes, small cuts and the occasional tender spot.

Ellory skimmed his fingers across the surface of his skin, baffled.

Had it just looked worse in the dark? That made no sense.

Regardless, he wasn't about to complain, and he didn't have time to dwell on it. Being a hero meant busy days.

Unfortunately, as the week progressed, the strange occurrences only escalated.

While walking down the stairs the following day, Ellory tripped, nearly going head over heels, before something seemed to suddenly catch him, turning him in the air and standing him upright again.

It had happened so fast. Maybe his reaction times were better than he'd thought? Regardless, Ellory just brushed it off.

But then the following day, one of the cities villains threw a knife at him. He would have reacted to it too slowly if the knife hadn't suddenly stopped in the air mere millimetres in front of him before dropping to the ground with a clatter.

Now he was officially a little weirded out.

But the events just kept happening.

Doors were opening in front of him, only to close when he walked through. He'd knocked a glass of water off the counter, only to look down and see it had landed perfectly, not a drop spilt. His mail from the apartment mailboxes had appeared on his kitchen table when he didn't remember going to get it. Lights were flicking on and off when he'd enter or leave a room. One night he'd even realized he felt a bit chilly, only to hear the heater turn on seconds later.

One night, he fell asleep on the couch, only to wake up with a blanket over him he *swore* wasn't there when he fell asleep.

And yet, the hero had also been getting a great rest every night, drifting off almost as soon as his head hit the pillow.

It wasn't until today, however, that Ellory really began to panic.

The hero had been on the rooftop of an office building, with a villain *on top* of him. (These events had really throw Ellory off his game)

This specific villain, however, wasn't particularly nasty, and Ellory had successfully reasoned with them before, and so despite the knife to their throat, they weren't quite panicked yet.

Said knife was still being held a couple inches away from their throat, more of a warning to stay down than an actual threat of "I'm one word away from slitting your windpipe open,"

"You, are becoming an increasing pain in the ass,"

The hero gave a small smile, "trust me, the feeling is mutual, but you know I can't let you do this,-"

He was cut off by the villain thrusting the knife much closer, "I wasn't aware you-"

Suddenly, without warning, the villain was launched back into the air, catapulted off him. Ellory watched them skid across the roof where they landed a couple meters away.

Whatever the villain saw when they looked back up made the colour drain from their face. They immediately pushed themselves up to their feet, staggered back a few steps, eyes wide, before they turned tail and fled.

The hero was frozen.

*What the hell?!*

Ellory looked down at his shaking hands.

*What the hell just happened?!*

Quickly, the hero got to his feet and took off home, completely panicked. He ran as fast as he could, as if something was chasing on his heels, breathing down his neck. It felt like his own shadow wanted to catch him.

*Something was wrong* *Something was really wrong*

As soon as he made it into his apartment, Ellory ran into his bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror.

He looked normal, though slightly red, which was just the consequence of being so out of breath. He was panting, breathing heavily and shaking. His hair was also a mess, a combination of both the frantic running and previous fight.

He could hear the frantic drumming of his heart in his ears.

Ellory took a deep breath, trying to ground himself. Grip tightening on the counter's edge.

Bending down into the sink, he splashed his face with cold water.

He was patting his face dry with a towel when a voice behind him startled him.

"I'm sorry...."

Ellory's head shot up. In the mirror, he could see a dark shadowy figure in the corner of the bathroom behind him.

The hero immediately whirled around, but was greeted by nothing more than an empty bathroom. His eyes wandered around warily, but not a thing seemed out of place.

Great, was he hallucinating now too?

He sighed, relaxing from the scare before turning back to the mirror and-

Ellory froze.

There in the mirror, in the same spot as before, was the shadowy figure.

He glanced back and forth between the mirror and back corner, but the dark humanoid shape was only visible in the reflection.

There was a few moments of silence as the hero simply stared, brain reeling, trying to make sense of what he was seeing.

The shape was in constant motion, shadows swirling gently, like a foggy aura surrounding a much darker silhouette. The constant movement made it near impossible for the eye to focus on any one part of it, as if trying to see the individual particles in a stream of smoke.

The silhouette inside the aura was a bit more defined, at least around the head and shoulders. Apart from the clearly humanoid shape, the darker mass had no other identifiable features; except for its eyes, which were like two white voids, with a slightly darker pupil in the center.

Said eyes met Ellory's momentarily, before being cast downwards almost sheepishly.

That's when it clicked. The sheepish posture. This was the same shadowy figure from nearly a week ago.

He opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. He couldn't think of anything to say.

The figure seemed to take the action to mean he'd had enough time to process.

"I'm sorry for scaring you," they apologized, sounding genuine.

The hero blinked.

*This was really happening*

"What..." the hero managed, barely getting the words out of his mouth. His brain had stalled.

"I was only trying to help," the shadow went on to explain sheepishly.

Something in the hero's stomach seemed to drop, "What... what are you?" He asked nervously.

"I think you know what I am," the demon replied quietly.

Ellory swallowed.

"Why can I only see you in the mirror now when I could see you fine last time?" He asked as if that was the most pressing question at the moment. Perhaps it was the only question he could handle the answer to right now.

"You may want to change your definition of 'fine', you were experiencing sleep paralysis last time,"

Finally, Ellory's brain seemed to catch up, "Why are you here again?"

The shadow in the corner seemed to still slightly, "I'm here because we made a deal,"

Deal...? They didn't make any... wait-

"You tricked me?!"

"Hey!" The demon snapped indignantly, posture suddenly defensive, "Not entirely! I've kept up my end of the deal! You haven't had any trouble sleeping this week have you‽"

Well, no... but...

The hero couldn't help but swallow nervously again, "so then what's *my* end of the deal?"

The shadow's posture instantly deflated again, "just let me hang around, basically..."

Hang around what? His house? Surely not because the demon had been there when he was fighting the villain so clearly-

"You possessed me!?" Ellory realized, eyes widening.

"No!" They replied, sounding almost horrified at the idea, "possession would be taking over control entirely! I'm just... taking up residence in the back corner?"

"What!?"

"Please don't send me back!" The demon pleaded. Their voice was suddenly so *desperate* sounding. The hero could even see the desperation in their white eyes. "I'll do whatever you want I promise! I'll go back into hiding and won't do anything! You won't even know I'm here I swear! I-"

The shadow was full-on rambling now, sounding more and more desperate with every word.

It was probably absurd that his heroic instincts flared, but he couldn't help it! This... being(?) really sounded like they were in trouble. Like they were genuinely scared.

"Hey, hey, it's okay-" Ellory interrupted, holding his hands up and taking a step forward. His heart sank when the figure flinched back, sinking in on itself and pinning its eyes closed as if bracing for something.

When nothing happened after a moment, the demon risked opening their eyes again. Still, they never said anything, just sheepishly stood in the corner as if waiting for a verdict, looking like they wanted nothing more than to hide in their own shadow.

Ellory took a deep breath, surveying the situation. The creature in front of him certainly didn't seem dangerous... and he hadn't tried to hurt the hero at all. Being able to sleep without any problems was also a nice bonus...

"so your... not... going to hurt me or anything?"

The shadow shook its head almost frantically.

"Ok..." Ellory took another deep breath, "As long as you don't hurt me, and don't do anything unless I tell you to, you can stay, okay?"

The demon in the corner immediately perked up, eyes brightening, "r-really?!"

The hero nodded.

"Thank you!" The shadow cheered, and Ellory would swear he could almost see a smile, "Thank you so much! You won't regret it I promise!"

And then just like that, there was a poof of smoke and the demon's reflection vanished, leaving a confused hero that still had a million questions alone in the bathroom.

MASTER TAGLIST:

@llamaly @why-am-i-on-this-website-anyway @larinzz @sharraus @asrasmysoulmate @kaiwewi @akawrites000 @sunflower1000 @aroacewitchyacademic @aquarellesirene @lbelle0527 @trappedgoose-in-a-writblr-room @freefallingup13 @enemies-to-idiots-to-lovers @homosexual-having-tea @friiday-thirteenth @chocomarsgalaxy @ravenshadow17 @daydreamed-snippets @stankyt0es @jinx1365 @rainy-knights-of-villany @fromtheo-withlove @maybe-a-cat42 @the-sky-writes @watercolorfreckles @noirewaves @digitalart-tw @itsleighlove @chibicelloking @distractedlydistracted @kitsunesakii @daedae127 @wish1bone1 @avery1s @vampart @ilikebooksbuttheresnousernames @defectivehero

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hansols-yoda-boxers · 4 years

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Favorite vibes? (Like meadows after a thunderstorm or cuddling and hushed chatting while wrapped in blankets at 7 pm) also just to confirm cuz I’ve been a bit frazzled lately, did I send an ask about bartender gahyeon n chan or did I hallucinate that after having sleep paralysis LOL. also I hope u feel better! as someone who also has health issues similar to those in the time stamps it was rlly comforting to read n it can b so frustrating n discouraging to feel like that - 🐥

Hmmm I don’t know if these all count but

the window open, falling asleep to rain and a thunderstorm

wearing the sweater of someone you love

waking up early and getting to see the world quiet

laying in bed with your lovers head on your chest while you play with their hair

teaching someone and seeing the moment they finally get it

the way the ladies at the pizza place smile at me whenever I come in and know my usual order

standing before a crowd, absolutely exhausted, receiving a standing ovation

Yes I did get your ask it’s just taking me forever to get it. But both parts came through and tumblr didn’t eat them which is good!

I’m gonna try and put a cut here but below is just me rambling about health stuff, it’s all good if you want/need to ignore it

I’m not sure if you know what you have but if you do and you wanna feel free to tell me. I’m in one of those “I just wanna know what the fuck has been plaguing my body for the last 2 and a half years” moods. My best guess based on symptoms and what I’ve talked to various doctors about it is being some form of dysautonomia, or maybe cfs/me but less likely.

I’m also bad at believing shit too. Like most people can go to an amusement park and then out for dinner and be fine, tired but fine. I collapse from exhaustion. I’ve had an episode so bad before that I literally could not open my eyes or move my jaw and tongue to speak but was still fully conscious. I was knocked out on Friday from being so emotionally and mentally hard on myself about stuff, the mental stress took me down to the point that I had to lay down on my bed and was stuck there for 20 minutes. And I still??? Don’t believe myself??? Like my brain is just like “you’re faking it for attention, get the fuck up” which is just more stressful. I mean I’m like that with everything but like, I clearly have a problem and yet I’m so reluctant to say I’m disabled or say when I need help or need to slow down because I think I’m making it up.

Though I thought of something recently. I was thinking over the time that I collapsed at work (one of many) and the first aid guy came and he put the pulse ox on me and was like “do you usually have issues with your oxygen saturation” and I was like “no, why?” and he was like “cuz your blood oxygen is at 77″ and sure enough as I recovered and he checked it again it went back to normal when I could sit again, back up to 98-99. So I was thinking, I could fake a lot of things, but I can’t fake oxygen stats. That helps a little I guess.

I’m very tired of it. I’m tired that I’ll have energy at times and not at others. It’s really not good that its developed recently that mental and emotional stress are stronger triggers because I just, have to be calm all the time. I have to avoid fights and arguments and I’m doing that more and more with friends because it’s gone from being unpleasant to being actively dangerous.

It hasn’t helped my sense of self or body image or any of that and it’s frustrating. I might do a whole one shot or something one day but idk how it would actually act during sex so we’ll see. I just wanted to rant cuz I was up til 2 am reading the same articles about dysautonomia that I’ve read 20 times already just thinking its probably that and there’s basically nothing I can do about it if so but I mean, that would at least mean a diagnosis I guess? It all just sucks when it feels like your body is failing at 24.

#and i know i dont even have it the worst #so i feel like i shouldnt complain about it #and i should just deal #even though its so inconvenient for everyone #im seeing a friend in just over a week #and im stressed about it #im worried shes gonna have too much planned and ill let her down #i hate that this is such a burden on everyone else #anyways #sorry i just needed to rant i guess #chick anon #ask game.#anon

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stellalux-universe · 4 years

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Notes:

Whoo-hooo! Look who's back!

I'm so sorry this took so long! December literally kicked my ass, and I tried to write, I really did. But every day I got home from work and literally passed out on my couch... so, yeah, didn't get much done over the holidays.

But I'm back and better and I'm gonna say that I'll update more regularly but we'll see. My goal is at least two chapters a month... but we'll see how that goes -hangs head in shame-

Anyways! Please enjoy and comment if you like! My resolution for 2020, besides writing more, is to comment more on fics that I enjoy instead of telling myself that I'll go back and comment later and then totally forgetting like the trash that I am.

Love you all!

-Partial smut (of fucking course with me) so NSFW friends.

Tag list of gorgeous people who requested I inform them of when I post because they’re the sweetest 😭: @smokeandmirrorz @xpoisonousrosesx and @duffshairdye

*Let me know if you would like to be added to a general tag list or just to this story and I’ll so do it!

Chapter 3: Some Like The Evil

The sunlight filtering through the windows and into the bedroom is far too bright to belong to the morning. The intense glare settles over Nikki’s eyelids, warm, orange, and irritating when all he wants to do in the world is keep sleeping. It figures that he would have been too fucked up last night to actually draw the blinds before he fell into bed.

He has nothing to do today, one of his last days off before rehearsals and preparations kick into high gear for the tour so he fights tooth and nail against returning to consciousness, desiring nothing more than to sink back into that blissful haze of slumber but it’s of no use. His mind is slowly becoming more and more aware of the world around him and as he drowsily blinks his eyelids open, he groans in annoyance when his eyes burn with the transition from darkness to light.

He wants to raise a hand to cover his eyes but as soon as he tries he finds that he can’t lift his arms, more than that, he can barely even twitch his fingers. The shock wakes him up completely enough to realize that his whole body is heavy, weighed down like lead, and an exhaustion he’s never known is suddenly apparent to him. He’s been tired before, even been exhausted before after a killer show and a long night of partying, but the bone deep fatigue that makes him struggle to even minimally move his body is unlike anything that he has ever felt before.

For a moment he thinks that he’s maybe come down with something and gotten himself seriously sick. It’s the only explanation that his tired mind can come up with because he didn’t do anything last night to explain why he’s feeling this way. He wracks his brain, going over the events of the previous day to try to find a reason for why his body feels like it’s about ten times heavier. He had felt fine when he got home, he had fucked around a bit and watched some tv, went to his studio to try to write a bit, got frustrated over not being able to write a damn thing, drank a third of a handle of Jack… passed out and went to bed. Standard practice for a night in.

But then, unbidden, his brain flashes a series of images as he tries to pinpoint an explanation; curly hair and glowing eyes looking up at him from beneath dark lashes, long slender back arched beneath him, red lips and a wicked smile and sharp teeth… no, not teeth, fangs. Fangs that sunk into the skin of his shoulders, horns tucked in amongst wild wavy brown hair, a tail that wrapped itself around Nikki’s thigh as he fucked the gorgeous demon from behind, and claws that tore down his back as he nailed him with his legs wrapped around his waist.

Remembering his dream is nothing but bitter sweet but he’s torn out of his thought process when a soft noise starts making itself known to him. That’s when Nikki finally looks down and very nearly has a heart attack at what meets his eyes.

It’s nearly impossible to him and for a second his mind is blank, he’s holding his breath and everything just stops because there, laid out and curled up on his chest, is the demon from his dream. Nikki almost thinks that he’s still dreaming but the haziness that had been over him the previous night is gone and his clarity tells him that he is more than definitely awake which also makes him realize something else.

Last night was absolutely, startlingly real.

It wasn’t a dream, or an alcohol infused fantasy, it wasn’t even a hallucination. He really spent all night fucking a demon and what’s more, it had been the single best sexual experience of his life. Even now, looking down at the demon purring, absolutely fucking purring, as he slept on his chest, Nikki thinks that he’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen in his life. In the sunlight pouring over them he can see that his long curly hair is actually a dark brown instead of black like he thought last night, his skin is olive toned and lightly tanned, one hand cutely curled up by his pretty face.

None of that seems to stop the steady panic filling him though, and he has to look back up and away from the demon, Tommy- his mind supplies out of nowhere, and try to calm himself down before he loses it.

For all that he found witchcraft and religion monumentally interesting, he didn’t actually believe a single word of it. He’d had friends growing up who went to church and his grandparents had of course tried to get him involved with theirs as a way to alter his behavior during his childhood but Nikki had made his peace with the fact that there was no way any type of god existed a long time ago. He was drawn to Satanic imagery for the pure aesthetic and used it in his music and his performances as a metaphor for rebelling against the norm, and as a fuck you to general society of course. It was dark and twisted, often how he felt himself, so of course he gravitated to it but that was the extent of his involvement.

This challenges everything he knew, everything he thought he believed and didn’t believe in because if the demon on top of him right now was real, does that mean that everything else is too? Are there angels, and a God and heaven and hell? Is there a Satan and what does that mean for him if there is? Is this creature going to wake up and just slaughter him, right here in his bed in the bright light of day and send him to hell where he undoubtedly belongs after everything he has done in his life so far? Surely fucking a demon and going multiple rounds would be a sure way to get barred from heaven even if nothing else that he has done had.

He struggles to move his body again, breathing and heart rate fast in his alarm, but he can’t do much more than squirm uselessly as his body is nearly completely unresponsive. He’s so busy fighting the muscles in his limbs to try to get them to just move that he doesn’t even notice that the soft purring has stopped until he happens to look back down to try to figure out what to do about his paralysis and sees the demon glaring up at him from beneath the fringe of his bangs and if Nikki could have jumped in his surprise, he would have.

As it is, he just freezes, green eyes wide as he watches the demon blink sleepily and sit up, both hands resting on Nikki’s chest so he can arch and stretch his back like a cat on top of him and it’s because of that movement that Nikki realizes that he’s still inside of the demon, Tommy straddled across his lap and still impaled on his now soft cock and while the idea of the creature falling asleep with Nikki’s dick inside of him is obscenely hot, it does nothing to quell his current panic. He’s definitely going straight to hell for this.

Tommy finally settles on top of him, sitting up straight on Nikki’s hips and tilting his head curiously as he looks down at him and Nikki really needs to stop thinking that this literal demon is cute right now before he has an aneurysm.

“Well, you woke me up with all your panic, so you want to tell me what’s wrong Nik?” The demon actually has the audacity to look annoyed with him, big brown eyes narrowed and actually pouting as he looks down at him. As if Nikki wasn’t having a life altering existential crisis right now.

Nikki can’t even say anything for a moment, wide eyes moving over the little black horns and the thin tail that’s now lazily whipping back and forth behind Tommy, mouth opening and closing without a word coming out because he honestly does not know what to say.

Tommy gives a little sigh of exasperation, leaning over him to flick his nose in an almost playful gesture and saying, “Hello, earth to Nikki Sixx, you alive down there dude?”

That’s enough to jolt him out of his daze, swallowing his nerves and just muttering a quiet, “You’re real.”

Tommy sits back up at that abruptly, the demon looking down at him with wide eyes and Nikki notes how brightly they shine in the light of the sun, the red glow that he’s seen a couple times gone for now, before Tommy is actually laughing. It’s a boisterous, happy noise and it almost makes Nikki smile just to hear it but he’s far too incredulous to do so at the moment.

“You really didn’t summon me on purpose did you?” The demon asks with laughter still in his voice, red lips pulled back into a wide smile that shows off one small fang as it peeks over his lip, giggling again when Nikki shakes him head mutely, “You really thought last night was some sort of fever dream or something then huh? Dream of fucking demons often, Nikki Sixx?”

Nikki is sputtering at the teasing, terrified or not, this demon was making fun of him and embarrassment is not a feeling that Nikki likes, “I don’t- I just- fuck, you’re a literal fucking demon, like a real demon, a ‘from hell’ demon. You could literally kill me right now, easy, and I’d go straight to hell-”

Tommy moves swiftly, grabs his hands and pins them to the bed above his head, bending down to nip at his already sore bottom lip, “Cool it human, if I had wanted to kill you, I would have done it last night.”

That doesn’t exactly inspire much relaxation for Nikki, however, as the demon basically just told him that he more than definitely could kill him but Nikki is already moving on to the next issue at hand, “I fucked a demon.”

Tommy gives him that same sultry smile from last night and Nikki’s eyes widen when he feels his cock twitch from where it’s still buried inside of the creature. The demon nuzzles into his neck then, nipping at the sensitive skin behind his ear and giggles again, “Yes, you really did, multiple times.”

Nikki unconsciously tilts his head a little to the side, unintentionally giving Tommy more room to mark up his neck even as he says, “That was you, you did some sort of fucking demon magic to make me fuck you.”

Tommy pulls away at that, letting go of Nikki’s hands and sitting up straight, looking down at Nikki with an extremely offended expression on his face, “You got hard for me all on your own Nikki Sixx, I just kept you that way for longer than you’d usually be able to last.”

Nikki can’t argue against that, because as soon as Tommy says it, he knows it was true. He thinks about how he had entered his bedroom last night, seeing Tommy spread across his bed just like the dream he thought that it was. He had started getting hard just looking at the demon.

Tommy glares down at him, that red glow from last night back in his eyes, claws scratching lightly down Nikki’s chest as he dips down and bites lightly at the bassist’s lip, “I didn’t make you grab me by my hair and fuck my mouth until you were cumming down my throat.”

The bassist groans, both at Tommy’s ministrations and the images his words conjure up in Nikki’s mind. He should still feel afraid, but something about Tommy is just so appealing to him that he feels that fear slipping away easily. And why shouldn’t it? Nikki has always loved dark and twisted things.

He watches with hooded green eyes when Tommy gives him a wicked grin, the demon running his lips softly over his jaw as he starts to gently rock his hips against him, “I didn’t make you fuck up into me as I rode you, or make you put me on my back and fuck me until I was crying, and I definitely didn’t make you wrestle me onto my hands and knees and fuck me from behind. That was all you Nik.”

Nikki groans again as he feels himself hardening inside of Tommy, the demon making small little whimpers as he feels it too, “I can’t go again, fuck, there’s no way.”

Tommy straightens up on top of him, hips rolling down and curls swaying with the movement of his body as he laughs breathily, “It feels like you can Nik, and this is all you too, no demon magic involved.”

“Fuck, Tommy, I can’t even move my fucking body, I can’t fuck you again. What the hell did you do to me?” Nikki grunts out, trying his hardest to move his arms, or legs, anything.

The demon on top of him slows his movement then, hips gently grinding and Nikki is surprised to see the light blush light up Tommy’s cheeks as he answers, “I- I may have taken too much energy from you last night, I’m sorry.”

Nikki looks up at him in confusion, eyes questioning as he asks, “Just what the hell does that mean?”

Tommy’s blush deepens and Nikki can’t help but be endeared at the slightly flustered disposition he’s portraying. He probably shouldn’t find it as cute as he did, but it was just so different from the absolutely playful, seductive behavior he has had up until now, Nikki just can’t help it.

“Well, I’m, I’m a sex demon right? An incubus, succubus, whatever the hell you humans call us, I get nourishment from, well from-”

“From sex.” Nikki finishes for him, finally understand a little bit about what was going on, honestly relieved that he wasn’t just dying or something more dramatic.

“From sexual energy, yeah.” Tommy nods, eyes wide and still blushing as he looks down at Nikki, “I don’t really need that much, but you were just…”

Nikki raises an eyebrow at the demon as he trails off, waiting for him to continue as Tommy’s expression becomes downright petulant, “Yeah? I was just?”

Tommy huffs out in frustration, looking away as he rocks his hips a little more insistently and whines as he completes his sentence, “You were just so good, I couldn’t stop.”

The statement and the movement of Tommy’s hips on top of him have him hissing out a curse, he’s fully hard now and at this point he couldn’t care less about Tommy being a demon or what that means for his whole philosophical outlook on life. He just wants Tommy again, as crazy as that is, and he fully accepts that for right now.

“Tommy…” Nikki groans, trying to get the demon’s attention from where he’s losing focus as he grinds down a little harder. “Tommy! Fuck, I still can’t move!”

Tommy’s eyes flutter open, the little whines that had been escaping his lips pausing as he slows his movements again and looks down at Nikki with wide eyes, “Oh… OH! I can fix that.”

The demon is suddenly biting down on his own lip, catching the flesh with a fang so that blood starts seeping slowly from the wound before he’s leaning down and kissing Nikki deep and ravenous, pulling Nikki’s tongue into his mouth to encourage the bassist to explore. Nikki does his best with the limited movement afforded to his body but as he tastes Tommy’s blood he can feel his muscles start to respond, energy flooding back into his limbs until he’s able to bring his arms up to wrap around the demon and roll them over, hitching those long legs up around his waist and thrusting into Tommy’s tight, wet heat with a groan.

Tommy’s reaction is instantaneous, arching his back sharply and sinking his claws into Nikki’s shoulders as he cries out Nikki’s name. The demon rolls his hips into the bassist’s thrusts greedily, tossing his head back when the human surges down to bite and kiss at his neck, “Nnngh, Nik, Nikki, oh, y-you’re going to use up all of you-your energy again.”

Nikki can’t help the grin that pulls at his lips as he straightens to a kneel, holding Tommy’s hips up as he pounds into the demon beneath him. The obscene moan he gets, the way Tommy’s eyes roll back and his hands pull at his own hair makes him groan at the arousing display he makes, “Fuck babe, I don’t care. If, if I’m ruining my chances of getting into heaven I ain’t gonna half ass it.”

The demon moans again before giggling, reaching up to grab at Nikki’s hair and yank him back down, licking a stripe up his neck before biting at the bassist’s ear lobe, “T-trust me Nik, fuck, heaven is overrated.”

And Nikki might just be damned already because he believes it. He believes it as he fucks the demon into another screaming orgasm and he believes it when Tommy curls up afterwards into Nikki’s side and rests his head on his shoulder and he definitely believes it when just before he passes out again he manages to catch Tommy muttering, “You really are something else Nikki Sixx.”

He believes in this demon and he really doesn’t care if fucking him means he goes straight to hell when he dies, it’s a sin that is completely worth the punishment.

But when he wakes up again in the early hours of the next morning, Tommy is gone.

#shout at the devil fic by stellalux #motley crue fanfic #terrorcest #terror twins #tommy/nikki #tommy lee #nikki sixx #chapter 3 #oh my god this took me forever #i'm so sorry #i'm trash

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sayitwityachest · 2 years

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im gna rant about my dumb ass sleep paralysis/dream shit last night. it's gonna be creepy and long

okay okay so i put on my aSMr vIdEO (leave me alone) and i guess i entered snooze mode bc all of a sudden i heard fucking fire alarms distantly, and i was like "what the fuck why are they testing them so late at night" (forgetting that i am not at the apartment, im at my house) and i was sooo tired i didnt want to move it felt *gasp* impossible? so eventually it hits my room and im like "omfg are you serious how are they even doing this? wait wait what if there's an actual fire, oh my god no.." and i felt so over it, like im realizing there's a good chance there is a FIRE and for some reason i don't feel compelled to move lmao??? and then suddenly i realized none of that made sense because i was at my house and i was like 0_0 and the alarm stopped but then i realized i kinda was paralyzed, not frozen but it was reallllly hard to move and i could hear my video going, so i kinda shifted around because sometimes changing position helps. i go back to sleep. distantly hear a football game on downstairs and my dad talking (completely forgot that everyone was asleep) he's talking loud, really loud. it doesn't really hit me, but the fire alarms are in the distance. suddenly i can hear my mom talking to him and i realize they are arguing about something, i couldnt even tell at the time, like i could not understand their words. It was like watching one of those videos on what english sounds like to non-english speakers, but i didnt think that was weird and i kinda knew what was up at the time (cannot remember now). Eventually they are screaming, like ive never heard them argue like that before in my life, this was like, murder level screaming, very intense, but i did not care at all, i just wanted to sleep and not think about it. But i felt stressed and i couldnt tell why lmao, the fire alarms were super loud now, but omg i just wanted to SLEEp, and then i realized i was being electrocuted (a fun and rare sleep paralysis experience that i regularly have) and i was like "oh fuck i know this" so i have to do my little fight to wake up, which, if you've never had sleep paralysis, it's really hard. You have to relax into it, but it's hard to relax when there are fire alarms, and your parents are screaming and it sounds like your dad is going to murder your mom, and you're being electrocuted, yk? even while realizing none of it is real teehee. so i get out of it, but im so damn tired i just want to go to sleep again, but i know i'd go right back there because my head is literally buzzing still, so i manage to shift onto my side before passing out. same shit happens a few more times. Eventually i realize i need to get up. so i manage to get up and im so stiff, and i can hear my brother downstairs because he stays up late, and i go out and kinda yell for him and i can hear him say "what" from somewhere in the house. and im trying to talk but he cant hear me and i realize that im literally fucking half paralyzed, like i cant speak clearly or loudly bc my face is paralyzed and i started freaking out (duh) because im thinking i actually had like some sleep seizure and im hurt now and i cannot communicate, and my brother WONT help me and then... i felt that fucking electricity and snapped back to reality and i was still paralyzed in my bed. It was so fucked. I woke up forreal after that and fucked around on my phone for awhile. My teeth hurt so much because i must of been clenching my jaw hard. THe video was 15 minutes in. it felt like it had been hours.

i HATE this shit. it's not even oooo scary, it's just fucking torture, im always so tired and it's like im literally being electrocuted. and time never makes sense during this shit, ive hallucinated fucking minutes during irl like 5 seconds before??? And ive had nights were it literally lasts for hours irl so it feels never ending, and im always so fucking tired it feels impossible to stay awake. ive never even seen something that scared me, the creepiest beings ive witnessed were random people walking in my room like they belong there and it doesnt even phase me at the time and when it finally clicks that that doesn't make sense, i know they arent real. it's jsut stressful. the noises are very intense, ive heard what sounds like children being murdered, women being raped, on and on, while being completely aware it's not real, but trying desperately to wake up, it's like the more aware i become, the more my mind throws at me to keep me trapped.

there's a doc called The Nightmare, it's about sleep paralysis and i couldnt finish it bc it was lowkey actually triggering... i think Johnny Depp narrates this one guy's experience where his entire world literally get's turned upside down, and that was the worst thing that every happened to me (last night was pretty shitty im ngl) it was like the whole room was static like when a tv does that thing and i could hear that noise so so loud, and there were red.. things flying around, like lines and shapes in the air, and screaming, so much screaming, and THE FUCKING KOOLAID MAN BEHIND ME!! istg that man was shouting OH YEAH right behind me, it made me so mad, bc i was aware everything was in my head and i was trying so hard to stay calm so i could get out, like i was reasoning there was no reason to be scared, bc it was fake- im thinking this as i hear what sounds like small children being torn apart right next to me, and im being electrocuted- but this man really came in with the audacity and i was like "...was that the fucking koolaid man????" completely threw off my concentration lmao.

anyway, it's terrible, and im actually NOT going into really deep detail, but i will say, i 100% understand why some people believe in a higher power because i dont feel... alone during that stuff. it's hard to explain, but all i can say is it feels like what's happening is a direct consequence of someone else who is trying very hard to make sure i dont get out teehee fun times

#im not being religious that's just what it feels like lol #also while im aware none of the stuff im experiencing is real #i remember it REALLY well #so im also stressed that im gonna see something fucked up and traumatize myself !!!!!#so while these bizarre scenes are happening im trying really hard to not look around in case my mind decides to spice things up

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loquacious-lavender · 3 years

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it started as a sleep diary. ended in clarity.

A friend bluntly proposed the other day that dreams have no meaning. As someone who was raised religiously, I suppose I’ve always thought they had to. Left and right I was told about the dreams my mother would have of God, or the ones she’d have that were a bad sign, trying to tell her to change something in her life (The next town for us to live in has literally been picked before based on her dreams and what God is “telling” her). This way of thinking has made it so I never stop thinking. When I wake up I keep myself awake analyzing what I dreamt of.

This time a train, a dead wolf, and someone important to me- who was emotionally crushed because they couldn’t save it. I think I saw the same staircase in a nightmare of a basement where I wasn’t alone. Even recalling that disturbs me.

I’d normally assume that this is guilt symbolism, that I need to fix what I’m doing wrong in my life to stop feeling said guilt. But I was over the moon happy before I slept. I wasn’t feeling bad. A few times now I’ve had this experience… being happier than I thought I could ever feel, really, but waking up panicked or confused.

Are dreams nothing more than your head blending its memory bank and stirring the straw?

Some people dream fucked up things that they’d never want to happen. I’m not so certain that there IS some hidden desire, or the subconscious trying to make you aware of something.

Perhaps not always? Trauma will find you there, but other things are at random.

I’ve had a nightmare of my mother crumbling into dust in my hands, and it all being my fault because I messed with forces that weren’t Christian. Nightmares of being hunted down or watched. Nightmares of killing myself (and it being out of my control), which I still suffer from.

I recently heard from a speaker that her dreams of suicidal ideation eventually went away as she healed. It was like I took a breath after holding it for so long. I want them to dissolve, I want that too. I’m fairly stable in my waking hours… I don’t want that reminder anymore.

There’s a recurring nightmare I’ve had since I was little of a large wheel, a scene from Scooby Doo that wasn’t scary, etc. This is one I’d always enter a delusional, half-awake state due to.

I had night terrors as a child, far before I even knew of anything to be that scared of. Apparently locking myself in the washroom and screaming. I would sleep walk, would fall down stairs, would mutter strange things. Once or twice the muttered things were related to things I was worried about, crazed rambling about needing helmets when I was going to be rollerblading the next day.

I couldn’t help but think things were inexplicably linked.

Someone I talked with once had a sexual nightmare about a parent. When you hear things like this, knowing full well that’s not what they want at all, things are finally clearer.

Maybe sometimes food is eaten too close to bed or there’s hunger/dehydration and a physical disturbance turns into horrors in the dream-scape. I think most people have had a nightmare at least once about pissing yourself if you downed glass after glass of water beforehand. It could be less complex psychologically. Certainly less connected to spirituality.

I was told that if I prayed to God, He would keep me safe. He never stopped the nightmares. This isn’t to say I’m angry with God for not taking them away. There might not be God. Thinking there was… kept me paranoid about appeasing being the only way to avoid death. If I ever believed in Him again for some reason, it wouldn’t be to impress or be saved from damnation.

Kinda cool, realizing that my nightmares haven’t been too different between being a person of so-called faith and where I am now. My life is my own. It feels so good to recognize that.

I may still tend to capitalize His name out of ingrained teachings of fearful respect but he does not hold anything over me. Let it be said, he does not.

What realistically keeps me safe is rational security measures and the people I love.

With sexual touch, sometimes it’s harder to sleep. I think it has more to do with feeling physically uncomfortable if I’m focusing on it. Might just need a good shower, not a dose of sexual repression and regret.

Sexual guilt is an oddity in itself. I’ve gone through a few phases of incessantly repeating “I’m sorry” in a fit of tears after touching myself. I don’t know which reason wins out for this. Apologizing to my body for the sensory overload, or feeling grossed out about what I had to think of to feel anything, or feeling bad for thinking about someone that way when they’re not around. Then I also just miss childhood feverishly… masturbation in particular feels like a forceful throw into new territory.

Been trying to figure this out, I’m tired of doing things by habit. Tired of looking to “normal” to base my choices around. I don’t want to cry until my nose bleeds or I nearly puke anymore.

I’d thought the guilt was induced by girls, time after time being allowed to look but not touch- being an emotional support dog but claiming I wasn’t such. Truth be told, I’ve only liked one girl particularly in a sexual sense, and I don’t think I struggled much to avoid touching the others.

It USED to be parent induced guilt. I could call it by another name, religious guilt, but that wouldn’t be true. Would it? I’m up and down with this since it’s almost like I never believed personally. The one thing I had faith in was that most of my mother’s expectations or views were correct.

Hm, current sexual guilt could be disguised self hatred actually. “They wouldn’t want someone like ME thinking of them this way.” What’s so wrong with someone like me? With me? After going through a university class that talks about the Westernized therapy approach of figuring out what’s wrong with someone, as opposed to “what happened to you?” I think I’m learning things. Thanks, post-secondary.

When I wake up, I usually hallucinate. This has happened starting this year, and what’s been different? I’ve been sleeping with my bedroom light on, directly above me this time, in this house. If anything that’s messing with my head and my vision. You know when you stare into the sun for some blasted reason? Thinking- I don’t know- that this single time you won’t blind yourself and will be able to see what the sun looks like? Then there’s this sphere of pink or white or something hazey everywhere you look. My visual hallucinations tend to look like that, but with words or unrecognizable script. These aren’t prophetic- sometimes it’s a random username of jumbled letters. Hypnopompic hallucinations, perhaps.

Someday I won’t be so scared of the dark. I’ve been going downstairs with the lights off a few times. “I’m not going to let this obsessive fear get in the way of making a good cup of tea, or putting something away.” I’ve had some success.

I’ve had physical hallucinations a rare few times, someone touching my leg, and the feeling of pressure on my chest. The fingers tracing on my leg felt reminiscent of the time I got groped. I’m not sure what’s going on with the pressure, but it usually goes along with visions of myself drowning or someone trying to suffocate me. Unfortunate at times, but that’s life. Sleep paralysis is pretty common anyhow.

Sleep hygiene is a curious thing.

Learning to save the bed for sleep and little else, to do mind-occupying things outside of it. I find this difficult because my mother owns the main floor, as keeping the TV on all day is usually the only thing to keep her sane. I’ve tried sitting on my bedroom floor. A creature of habit, most days I slink back into bed. I think it’ll get easier with time. It does come with a sense of relief and comfort: easing under the covers after living a day.

And then... there’s him. Beautiful, wonderful him. Sleep comes easy. I don’t know how to write a smile as a word here. “Him” will have to do.

#late night thoughts #quarantine thoughts #sleep #reflection

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dreamwalker93 · 6 years

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Dream or reality?

So it's one am on a work night and I can't sleep because I had a medium iced coffee at like 2pm...24oz is apparently too much caffeine oops.

So since I can't sleep and most my dreams lately that I record are really emotional thought I'd post something different and interesting.

Do you have childhood memories that you can't tell were dreams or reality?

Imagine this. You have a memory. It's a very defining memory. It's something that happened that leaves an impact on you, whether it be traumatizing or beautiful. Because of this you don't forget it. When you get older though, you start to realize something doesn't add up.

So long story short, I have these like 3 distinct memories that I was unsure of. 2 of them involved my mom and sister.

If you ever read this blog or just dream, you know that some can feel ridiculously real. Like, as in even when you're in the dream you feel like you truly are conscious, convos make sense, scenery isn't changing, nothing stupid is going on etc. And then you wake up and legit have that "wait what?" Moment. But what if you're too young to have this?

So dream one, I have to say I was super young. Like I have this weird period of history where like I have very few memories of being super young, like younger than 6 for sure. There's a few memories, but like they're vague and separated by darkness, it's super weird. The void I remember clearly, like it's like you're existing but not at the same time and everything is black. Wtf dude.

Anyway so I have this memory. I'm at my old house front porch with my mom and sister and we're having a good time. I'm looking at the bushes and all the sudden they all bloom at once and turn into butterflies. It was AWESOME. Super gorgeous. I was completely mesmerized. What a time.

So get this, I legit considered this a memory and not a dream for YEARS. Yes, years!!! Like using kid logic I just assumed maybe it was weird plant thing that made the flowers bloom fast and butterflies were around and flew off! Or maybe they were all cocoons idk! So eventually after trying to figure it out with Superior kid logic I ask my mom one day, legit asking "hey I have this memory did this happen?" And obviously she was like that didn't happen kid that's impossible". But it's just crazy how a dream felt so real that it left that kind of impression on me. I'm not joking when I say I geninuely thought it was a memory for years.

So we got the fantasy one out of the way, let's get real.

So I have this other one that really freaked me out both at the time but when I found out it wasn't a memory cause this one for real felt, well, real.

So I have this memory when I was a kid. Older than the other one, have to be like elementary school 4th gradeish. My mom sister and I were hanging out near the hallway to the front door and the staircase to upstairs. I forget what we were doing but I looked down the hall to the door. I swear I saw this thing...person...Bionicle??? Looking right at me. It slowly popped out of the window and I screamed. My mom all concerned is like what?!!! And I tell her I saw someone looking at us. Going in full mom mode she went to check it out, but no one was there. She asked if I was sure I saw someone and I say yes. She legit goes outside and looks everywhere but no one. She comes back telling me she looked all around the street and no one was there.

So I think nothing of this until yeeaarrssss later, like as in I'm 18ish. One day Liz mom and I are talking and I bring it up. I'm like "hey, remember that time I saw that guy looking at us through the door and you went and checked it out?" To my surprise, no one remembered. My mom and Liz were like what are you talking about?? I was so thrown off. This is something everyone would remember, it's not like I lost my blankey or something I SAW AN INTRUDER STALKING US. I explain it in full detail, the dude peeping in, notices me looking walks off, mom searching etc. My mom cliams she has no recollection. Lix doesn't either. Apparently once again, this was a dream.

A few things point to it. First off if you were paying attention I mentioned I might've saw a Bionicle lol. I legit can picture the mask of that ice dude looking at me. Also his movement felt uncanny. That doesn't add up. But what convinces me is how my mom acts. If I was a parent and was told someone was looking at us through a screen door, I would immediately close it, locked up the house, turn on the alarm and call 911, not go outside search out the srea and leave my kid UNATTENDED WITH A POSSIBLE PREDATOR AROUND. She seriously walked far away from the house.

This one blew my mind. This legit means my child mind created a full nightmare that was detailed and convincing enough to once again lead me to believe this really happened. This is just wild to me. I start to think what memories are actually real and which are fake? Was I illucid dreaming without realizing? Was I just so creative and had such a big imagination that I believed it and kinda went with it as I went older? Weird.

Last one! So this one I was able to debunk myself because of research for this blog!! 😜

So quick note I never really thought this one real past childhood, it just didn't make sense. But man was it scary.

So I have this memory...ahem, dream, from being a kid. I'm trying to sleep. I have trouble sleeping as a kid. Why? I'm scared of everything. Especially aliens. Aliens scared the shit out of me as a kid. And every night I'd be wide awake scared they were outside my door ready to take me. I'd leave the light on and wouldn't be able to close my eyes...the whole nine.

So back then I left my door open. I look out. What do I see hiding behind the staircase? An alien. Just looking at me. I was frozen. I couldn't move. I have never been so scared in my life. This felt like forever. A staredown. Neither of us moving. Just staring. Eventually I finally get the nerve to role over, hide under my covers, and fall asleep. Next morning like nothing happened.

I never slept with the door open again.

Did I scare you? Good. I had to turn my lamp on for that one 😂

So obviously this wasn't real. When I got older I didn't know how to explain it, but I knew it wasn't cause one the alien literally didn't move. Like literally at all. It was like it was an image. Just still frame chillin. 2 it was like...idk it wasn't a full body and shit. It was glowing. It was in a spot where there wasn't any floor. How did it get in my house?? You know that shit.

I couldn't explain why I had this memory though. It wasn't a dream I knew that. I was awake. I was aware. I was in my bed. This wasn't a dream.

So what was it??

Did you guess sleep paralysis? Cause ding ding ding!!;

I totally has sleep paralysis once as a kid!!! Isn't that wild???

When I learned what sleep paralysis was I immediately thought if this memory and it all made sense.

For those who don't know what it is, sleep paralysis is when you wake up from sleep, but your body doesn't. You can't move, but you are aware. It's like you're stuck between sleep and awake. During this time, you hallucinate hardcore, especially things you're scared of.

For most people, this is a big spider climbing on you, or someone in the corner of your room staring at you just in the corner of your eye, etc. For me, it was aliens.

It explains why I couldn't move. I literally couldn't move a muscle. It went on forever cause the only way to get out quick is to close your eyes and count to ten. I guess after a while I just snapped out of it. But that's why I rolled over and passed out.

Crazy shit right? Shit like that and being scared is why I sleep on my stomach (cause if I can't see anything how can I see hallucinations? 😜

Hope you enjoyed my weird memory dreams and biggest sleep paralysis moment!

(still not tired rip)

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mydashlife · 7 years

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Passing Out

Something unusual seems to happen whenever I begin to study a topic or am immersed in deep thought.

I keep thinking that I am fatiguing or perhaps crashing after caffeine intake, but I’m not so sure anymore.

I forgot that this same occurrence would happen when I would try to read my other Holistic books as well, but it never tends to happen when I’m watching TV or reading a fictional type of book.

It’s like I will be deep in thought, and then all of a sudden it’s like I kind of pass out. The odd thing is that I am usually not tired. I will pass out for maybe half a second but I immediately realize it’s happening and I rise awake.

It is a difficult sensation to describe.

Let’s say, for instance, I am reading some course material and all of a sudden my mind will just start talking, like back of the mind talking, and then I pass out and immediately wake up. Or I will pass out to the sound of the voice in my head talking about something important or realizing something important.

On many of these instances, the second that I pass out, I feel my heartbeat flutter and pound heavily, then it stops as soon as I open my eyes again a second later.

Sometimes it’s like I hear a crowd in my head, and when my head has a lot of commotion going on in it, I pass out and wake up again. But it is always for half a second, no more than 1 full second.

Generally, I am not tired when this occurs. I can be wide awake & alert, but all of a sudden my head dips and I pass out.

Googled it & it’s called a syncope, mild seizure.

At one point I thought it was narcolepsy, but I feel narcolepsy would have more to do with excitement, unless it can also include excitement of the brain.. I’ll have to look into that too I guess. But I feel it is unlikely.

Syncope: Medical Definition

It meant to temporarily lose consciousness & sense of oneself. Syncope is due to a temporary reduction in blood flow and therefore a shortage of oxygen to the brain. This leads to lightheadedness or a "black out" episode, a loss of consciousness. Temporary impairment of the blood supply to the brain can be caused by heart conditions and by conditions that do not directly involve the heart:

I think it could be related to my heart conditions. On a few occasions, I have felt my heart palpitating or thumping upon regaining consciousness, as if it had temporarily slowed down and was trying to catch back up. Perhaps I become so still & calm while I study that my heart starts to slow down and slows the blood to my brain, and because my brain is very active at that moment and is requiring more blood than if I were doing nothing, then perhaps that could be the cause of the fainting spells.

Brain utilizing more blood than heart is giving because body is calmed down.

“ The weirdest thing just happened to me and i don't know what to do because no one believes me. I was just sat on my bed playing my guitar when, for liteally a split second, i felt like i was falling backwads or my body/brain did some sort of jerk and my head went all funny. I got up immediately and ran to my parents in tears but they told me it was nothing. It felt so weird and i'm worried that it was a seizure or a brain tumor or something but i've never head of seizures being so quick and usually you aren't aware of them? that's my understanding anyway. I don't know what to do. I've had head pains on and off for the past week and i've currently got a heart arrythmia - waiting for my echocardigram appointment to come through. Been to A&E twice last week and both times they've sent me home after doing all the tests. Now I'm panicking that the two are related and like i said no one believes me and i don't know what to do I had an Mri a year ago which was all normal but surely a tumor can grow between now and then This stress is really going to kill me “ Sounds similar to my scenario

I have also been experiencing more headaches than usual..

“ I get this all the time too, I have done for years. And it gets worse when stress and anxiety levels are high for me, really unbearably so most of the time :( This all brings on migraines, insomnia and these kinds of weird jerky things.”

Literally just happened again while I was reading, suddenly I was not there, then I felt my heart thump as I came back to consciousness.

Also it says narcolepsy is a form of syncope.. so I could be correct..

NARCOLEPSY Narcolepsy is a sleep disorder characterized by excessive sleepiness, sleep paralysis, hallucinations, and in some cases episodes of cataplexy (partial or total loss of muscle control, often triggered by a strong emotion such as laughter). Narcolepsy occurs equally in men and women and is thought to affect roughly 1 in 2,000 people. The symptoms appear in childhood or adolescence, but many people have symptoms of narcolepsy for years before getting a proper diagnosis. People with narcolepsy feel very sleepy during the day and may involuntarily fall asleep during normal activities. In narcolepsy, the normal boundary between awake and asleep is blurred, so characteristics of sleeping can occur while a person is awake. For example, cataplexy is the muscle paralysis of REM sleep occurring during waking hours. It causes sudden loss of muscle tone that leads to a slack jaw, or weakness of the arms, legs, or trunk. People with narcolepsy can also experience dream-like hallucinations and paralysis as they are falling asleep or waking up, as well as disrupted nighttime sleep and vivid nightmares.

Okay, wow...

I will be doing more research on Narcolepsy now..

Cataplexy is a sudden and uncontrollable muscle weakness or paralysis that comes on during the day and is often triggered by a strong emotion, such as excitement or laughter. Without much warning, the person loses muscle tone and can have a slack jaw, broken speech, buckled knees or total weakness in their face, arms, legs, and trunk. A person experiencing total cataplexy stays awake and is aware of what is happening, but cannot move. These episodes last up to a minute or two, and some people may fall asleep afterwards. The frequency of cataplexy episodes varies widely among people with narcolepsy. Some individuals avoid emotions that may bring on cataplexy.

The loss of muscle tone in cataplexy occurs because of the inability to regulate sleep and awake states -- meaning that elements of each can overlap. During normal rapid eye movement (REM) sleep, there is a natural loss of muscle tone. In the case of cataplexy, that characteristic of REM sleep occurs suddenly during the day, causing weakness or full paralysis, even as the person remains awake during the episode.

It’s like my mind is so busy thinking, that the rest of my body isn’t needing anymore & gets put to sleep.

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