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becausegoodheroesdeservekidneys · 2 years

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The Adventures of Big Dog the Clown, 11th February 2022

I want you all to know that I’ve buried my inbox. I’ve buried it. I held funeral rites. I gave a speech, in Welsh and English. I sang songs. I gave a beautiful eulogy. It is dead. It is gone. It has been buried, but not in dirt - it has been buried under the weight of the 657 unread messages held within.

Anyway, WELCOME BACK TO THE CIRCUS! This is the longest update I’ve yet written, because I am busy and important and haven’t had chance AND YET the clown show has been trundling on in the meantime so the tricks have piled up, lads. As ever, don’t @ me if the dates aren’t 100% accurate, I am not a trained professional and also don’t care.

So! Where did we leave off! If you’re just catching up, the original saga is here, and the last update is here. Also, @welpnotagain made a primer here for anyone confused by all the names which I hope will help, although Tumblr is a broken and barren place for coding and working links and it suddenly won’t let me go there on this laptop so soz if that doesn’t work. And, here is an extremely brief description of the political parties, if you aren’t British and don’t know what a Tory is.

ON WITH THE SHOW!

Monday 31st Jan

Let’s begin with some fun whimsy! Remember the m a s s i v e lorry convoy at Dover thanks to Brexit? And how lorry drivers are being forced to wait like... 14 hours in their lorries? Which has obvious enormous welfare issues because food and toilet facilities don’t exist on lorries?

Chairman of the Select Committee on Transport, Huw Merriman MP, goes to Dover and steps in human poo.

MEANWHILE, the major milestone arrives - Sue Gray finally finishes her report, and regains her work-life balance, unlike me. This is a mixed bag, actually, because we had been waiting for it with baited breath after the Met Police refused to investigate so it was going to be the only actual investigation we got; but, then the Met changed their minds when it became clear that people were starting to view them as being about as powerful as one of those paper chains of people holding hands draped in front of a charging bull, and THEN they said Sue was only allowed to make “minimal reference” to stuff they were investigating. So the report is published and you can read it yourself! But it’s diluted, and now we’re waiting for the official legal investigation.

But it did still come with Consequences. Pippa Crerar, still doing the Lord’s work, announces that Sue Gray has revealed a “gathering” (lol) in BJ and Carrie’s Downing Street flat on Nov 13th 2020 is being investigated by police. And then Scotland Yard, who should probably put our Sue on the payroll at this point, reveal they’ve received more than 300 photos as part of Partygate. More than 300! What a party! Boris going to regret his cute idea of putting disposable cameras on the tables.

So, shit’s heating up! How does Big Dog respond?! How will he handle the reveals?? What will the leader of the country do to salvage his rapidly tarnishing reputation? Let’s check what he does in the House of Commons!

Boris accuses former lawyer Keir Starmer of letting notorious paedophile Jimmy Saville avoid justice.

This classy and dignified response is obviously an interesting tack to take, for multiple reasons; chief among them, of course, being the two pronged rejoinder that it was Margaret Thatcher, former Tory leader, who knighted Saville in spite of knowing about the paedophilia, but also, crucially one might say, that Keir Starmer had literally no power or say in the Jimmy Saville case and it therefore isn’t true. But ah, Big Dog has long been undaunted by concepts such as truth or integrity.

People are not happy though, Tumblrs.

Ian Blackford is so incensed by this and also... you know, everything else... that he actually accuses BJ of lying, which is bigger than it sounds because you are absolutely Not Allowed to accuse people of intentional lying in Parliament. The Speaker asks him if he wants to correct himself to say the PM is mistaken. “Nah,” says Blackford, “fucker lied,” and promptly gets thrown out. I presume if asked, his stance is “Lol worth it.”

Meanwhile, journalists are suddenly inundated with messages from multiple Number 10 staffers saying “We told him not to say the Jimmy Saville thing”, because it turns out that it wasn’t a panicky off-the-cuff remark. BJ thought of it as a zippy little zinger, suggested it to advisors, and every single one of them unilaterally told him it was a very bad idea. And then he did it anyway. “He doesn’t listen to advice,” said one insider, presumably through tears.

Over on Twitter, Nazir Afzal (former Chief Crown Prosecutor who worked with Keir Starmer) strongly refutes the Jimmy Saville thing, and confirms that Starmer had nothing to do with the decisions taken; on the contrary, he “supported in bringing 100s of child sex abusers to justice”. And thus begins a weird path in which, by referencing a far-right conspiracy in a bid to smear his opponent, Boris has now caused Keir to be painted as the singular enemy of paedophilia in this country, lionising him to the nation. This is a spectacular mis-fire and also very strange for everyone who understands that Keir Starmer is, in fact, A Bit Wet.

Anyway, between the Gray Report and the Starmer Smear, Tory MPs and ministers have a big emergency meeting in Portcullis House, described as ‘packed’. Liz Truss attends without a mask, and promptly tests positive for covid.

To round off, the Daily Mail (the only paper still blindly supporting Boris Johnson apparently, although they did support Hitler back in the day so not a shock) puts a picture of Keir Starmer having a beer through a window on their front page for the third time in the past two years, trying to get it to gain traction and take the heat off Boris. Because, you know. A man drinking a beer alone in a house is the same as a man having about six hundred orgies in his own flat during a pandemic. Obviously.

WHAT A DAY let’s move on!

Thursday 3rd February

Woo, look at that! We’ve jumped so many days! MAGIC, there’s a MAGICIAN in this circus, it’s not at all that I didn’t keep track properly because I was writing up a research report on badgers, don’t @ me.

The Secret Barrister (fantastic Twitter account, if you Want In to the politics fandom I recommend you follow them) tells us that the Met suppressing the Gray report is actually the first thing they’ve done right, possibly ever but certainly during this whole debacle. This is because the Report being published in detail could actually help the Tories corroborate their stories and make it easier for them to lie their way out of the whole thing when it comes to the police investigation. Unfortunately, because the Met is, y’know, a bunch of bumbling hypercorrupt slug-like fascists, everyone has assumed this is just the Met being the Met lol. So the dancing pigs continue.

Anyway WHO WANTS TO SEE HOW THE KEIR STARMER/JIMMY SAVILLE THING IS PLAYING

Elena Narozanski, Education Policy Specialist, resigns.

Martin Reynolds, principle private secretary to the PM (he sent out the BYOB invites), resigns.

Dan Rosenfield, chief of staff at Number 10, resigns.

Munira Mirza, Head of Policy, resigns.

Jack Doyle, director of comms, resigns.

OH THE HUMANITY

Five resignations! In one day! Munira Mirza is especially punishing because she’s an utter dickblistering mouldy turd who has proudly worked with BlowJo for 14 years, and she actually published her resignation letter for all to see.

Still. Never mind! Thursday was a bad day, but hopefully Friday will be better.

Friday 4th February

Sensing that things are Bad, and that the mass exodus of staff members as a direct result of his smear campaign is maybe something that needs halting, BJ holds meeting that he calls a “half-time pep talk”. Oh boy! It must have been so stirring and motivational! How did he do?

Well, here’s a literal quote from him: “As Rafiki in the Lion King says, ‘Change is good, and change is necessary even though it’s tough’.”

Lion King quotes, cool cool.

Then he goes to the press and claims the resignations were actually him firing people as a result of the Gray Report.

WHAAAAAAAATTTT

YEAH THAT’S RIGHT

WE HAVE MUNIRA MIRZA’S RESIGNATION LETTER, BUT NO, BORIS CLAIMS HE FIRED HER, TOTALLY BELIEVABLE, ALL GOOD

So how are senior Tories handling this? Well, let’s ask the Chancellor! Rishi Sunak, a man who is super careful at all times to never criticise the PM, distances himself from the Saville thing and directly tells journalists “Being honest, I wouldn’t have said it.”

Holy shit! What will he say when asked if BJ should apologise?

“That’s for the PM to decide,” says Sunak, proving that he didn’t grow a whole spine after all; more just two and a half vertebrae.

He then looks journalists in the eye and claims we’re only struggling with heating bills because it’s a colder winter than normal (it’s not) and we’ve used up more of our gas stores (the Tories shut down three quarters of the UK’s gas storage in 2017) so Sunak be Sunak-ing I guess.

Meanwhile, former Labour leader Ed Miliband calls Boris Johnson “a stain on our politics.” It’s such a fabulous quote, isn’t it? Don’t look up him saying it, though, Ed Miliband has the whiniest voice you’ve ever heard and it will definitely detract from the incredible savagery. But WHAT a line.

SO, remember how the BBC had found a definite 7 MPs who had sent a letter of no confidence in Boris? We just need 54, remember! Anyway now they reveal they are aware of 17. The numbers climb...

But, of course, this whole thing has been dragging on for a while, and is really starting to overspill into reveals of other scandals! This is exciting because everyone has been just hand waving awful Tory acts! Like that time Boris Johnson prioritised evacuating animals from Afghanistan over people! But now everyone is starting to care about things like Boris Johnson prioritising evacuating animals from Afghanistan over people! Let’s see what else has come up.

First, the government is forced to release private messages sent between Matt Hancock and Owen Paterson about Randox (the firm that Paterson worked for that won £600m+ in covid contracts). Sorry - I haven’t mentioned Owen Paterson before. He used to be Minister for the Environment and doesn’t believe in Climate Change. That’s not relevant here, but Provides Colour. You’re welcome.

Second, Private Eye publishes a story revealing that the government gave out £600m to private company Unispace Global Ltd for PPE from April-June 2020. That money is now just… missing. No PPE. No trace of where it went. This, by the way, is a Sunak Thing.

Thirdly, Boris is revealed to have flown to the north west of England in a private jet, and everyone is furious because Environment. Also Liz Truss was found to have done the same thing in Australia, so everyone now thinks this is a new Thing Tories Do.

Fourthly, Jacob Rees-Mogg claims the morning after pill is an abortion (not sure Jacob Rees-Mogg knows what century he’s in, he’s very confused).

Fifthly, UK Statistics Authority chair Sir David Norgrove rebukes BJ, Priti Patel and the Home Office for misusing crime figures by claiming offences have fallen when they actually increased.

And then SIXTHLY haha okay I love this one

Comedian John Finnemore posts quotes on Twitter from an article about Tony Blair in 2006, when the country was baying for his blood and he was refusing to go. The excerpts:

It is a wonderful and necessary fact of political biology that we never know when our time is up. Long after it is obvious to everyone that we are goners, we continue to believe in our “duty” to hang on, with cuticle-wrenching tenacity, to the perks and privileges of our posts.

We kid ourselves that we must stay because we would be “letting people down” or that there is a “job to be finished”. In reality, we are just terrified of the come-down.

No more outriders, no more adrenaline, no more do-or-die Dispatch Box jousts; no more staring soulfully into the camera, with the little red light on to tell him that he is now going live to every house in the country; no more feeling out pain, no more watching us watching him feel our pain.

Oh no, he thinks: he can’t face that loss. He can’t face that endocrinal cold turkey, and so he postpones...

All politicians are masters of procrastination, but there is no day they find easier or more natural to postpone than the day of their own resignation.

Stirring stuff, eh? Almost poignant. And you can really see why it’s being shared now, for all that it was actually about Tony Blair, except no, Tumblrs, no, you aren’t seeing why it’s being shared now, because the real reason is IT WAS BORIS JOHNSON WHO WROTE THOSE WORDS.

Quoth my husband on that day, sending me all this info: “Trying to find details about specific Tory scandals is like trying to eat a GBK burger.”

Seven Days Ago

Michael Fabricant in da house! That’s right, BlowJo’s stunt double is back to Help. He agrees that all those resignations - including Munira Mirza with her resignation letter - are actually BJ firing people and taking action to remedy the problems flagged up in the Gray report. It’s at this point, actually, you need to start asking yourself - when Boris started Operation Save Big Dog, because he didn’t understand that people were angry with him specifically, who exactly was he intending to fire to save his own skin? And if those people found out that they were considered expendable, would they hang about? And if they then all quit anyway, how likely would Big Dog be to claim it was intentional after all...?

Meanwhile, remember the plan to put the army in the Channel and send refugees back to France?

The Ministry Of Defence tell Priti Patel they will NOT be policing the Channel and sending refugees back to France when they take over crossings next month. So, uh. Sucks to be you, Priti.

And then CRERAR’S BACK and OH MY GOD okay okay

The Mirror reports that Sue Gray has handed to the police a picture of Boris “I was ambushed by a cake that didn’t exist for a mere 10 minutes before returning to work” Johnson holding a can of beer at his lockdown birthday party.

Beside him stands Rishi “I was not at the PM’s illegal birthday party because I am deeply unpopular and wasn’t invited” Sunak, holding a soft drink.

And the photo was taken by the official state photographer.

FUN FACT! That means it’s subject to freedom of information legislation, which means anyone can ask to see it and the request must legally be honoured. Perhaps you’d like to ask for your own copy?

Six Days Ago

I swear I am not making this up. Mohammed Amersi, major Tory donor, demands his £200K back because he wasn’t invited to all the illegal parties.

Rich people.

Nursingnotes.co.uk reports that the money wasted on unusable PPE would have been enough to double the salary of every NHS nurse, so the scandal dominoes yet continue to fall.

Then Rory Stewart, remember him? Fella who ran against Big Dog for Tory party leadership and left politics (but not spiritually). He pops back up again and dunks on Fabricant and his stupid “they didn’t resign, they were fired” claim.

Meanwhile, the Met are having a bad day. No one likes them anymore, and also, a watchdog has been conducting an investigation against them, unrelated to this particular circus. Today, the investigation concludes! And finds “a culture of disgraceful misogyny, discrimination and sex harassment.”

Ruh roh, Raggy.

And then, more clowns!

An unnamed cabinet minister (it is clearly Nadine Dorries let’s not piss about), FURIOUS at the lack of blind simpering sycophancy for the mighty Big Dog, accuses Rishi Sunak as being “on manoeuvres” for criticising the PM’s attack on Keir Starmer about Jimmy Saville. The unnamed cabinet member (you will never convince me it is not Nadine Dorries) calls on BJ to sack Sunak.

WHICH IS THE DUMBEST FUCKING SUGGESTION IMAGINABLE (IT IS CLEARLY NADINE DORRIES) because Sunak is literally the biggest contender for Boris Johnson’s role. He’s the favourite. It’s going to be him. If fired, he’d be ruthless, with nothing to lose. He could openly gun for the position. He would wipe the floor with Johnson. It would be a bloodbath. There would be a final party on the Ides of March, BYO knife. Sales of ear poison would soar. Red Wedding, Welsh-history-then-used-by-George-R-R-Martin style.

Then Nadine Dorries does the dumbest fucking interview anyone has ever seen that makes it look like she’s fucking Big Dog. (That is the link to the Michael Spicer coverage, who is of course an excellent journalist of true integrity, it’s a treat.)

And then she suggests new laws to prosecute streaming sites for airing programmes like the Jimmy Carr one in the most cynical attempts to cash in on unrelated outrage to make yourself look good I’ve ever seen.

Two round off, a seven year old girl (not Josephine, a new one called Isobel) asks BJ for an apology after her own birthday parties were cancelled. I feel you, Isobel. March baby, me. No birthdays for two years. Fuming.

Five Days Ago

Martin Lewis, the Money Saving Expert founder, reads Rishi Sunak to fuck over his proposed solution to the energy cost crisis, continuing the trend of Sunak not... quite... entirely getting away with all this.

Meanwhile, Lord Ashcroft is currently writing a book! And he reveals some extracts. For example:

A Downing Street aide turned down a major new role because they didn’t trust Carrie Antoinette. BJ’s response? Verbatim?

“Fuck Carrie.”

Apparently, he would regularly make excuses to avoid heading back to the flat he shares with her. He said to one colleague, “You don’t understand what it’s like upstairs.”

Which is interesting, isn’t it??? Because another story is resurrected that BJ went to a dinner party in a gentlemen’s club with journalists for the Telegraph and other right-wing papers in 2021 (he left COP26 to go to it! In a private jet! So serious about the environment!) where he willingly and without prompting told them all that he had “BUYER’S REMORSE” over Carrie and the new baby, and the bloodthirsty right wing journalists were embarrassed. When they ran the story in the New European, BJ tried to sue them.

Filed under: people I have no sympathy for whatsoever.

Four Days Ago

Remember Sunak and the energy cost crisis? It’s revealed that Britain’s two biggest energy companies make £4.5 million of profit per hour. Fun fact! That’s also how often a person in the UK dies of living in a cold home.

Dominic Grieve! Of all people! defends Keir Starmer over the Saville thing, and affirms he wasn’t responsible, AND that it’s a fascist conspiracy theory anyway, which is just INCREDIBLE.

And also timely, because then, Keir Starmer has to be rushed into a police car as a mob of protestors swarm him outside Parliament over the Saville thing. Piers Corbyn is among them! Jeremy Corbyn’s brother! Christ. What an experience. Man’s a lunatic.

Yvette Cooper joins in over the whole “Boris lies and claims the crime stats have fallen when they have literally risen thing” and demands the PM correct the record. Astonishingly, he does not.

And then remember the picture of Keir Starmer drinking a beer through a window? That the Daily Mail were desperately trying to turn into a Thing?

The Met Police reveal that they have determined that no laws were broken over the picture of Keir Starmer having a beer. Trololol. Swing and a miss, son.

Meanwhile! Remember how one of the resignations was Jack Doyle? Director of Communications?

We have a replacement! It’s Guto Harri, a man who has spent most of his time making an appalling tit of himself in Welsh politics so I am very excited to see the rest of the UK discover how a large potato could do a better job while also mispronouncing his name, probably, I foresee a lot of “Gooto” being said.

But also this happened:

Oh also Dominic Cummings called BoJo a clown. Bit rich.

Three Days Ago

Downing Street finally break their silence over the constant requests for a comment on the Saville thing. Excellent! It was a bald lie, and Keir Starmer has now been attacked by right wing nutjobs over it! Let’s see their official stance!

They will not be apologising for the Saville thing. “He has got other stuff to get on with today,” says the official spokesperson.

(The polls reveal, meanwhile, that 69% of the country believe that BJ is responsible for Starmer being harassed by right wing nutjobs over the Saville thing. Just looking at the opinions of 2019 Tory voters, 54% believe it. This has not gone over well as an assertion.)

But let’s see what other stuff Boris Johnson has to get on with today!

Well, now that we have the Gray Report, and Sue Gray can finally get back to her actual job and enjoying things like wine and sunsets and the laughter of babies again, obviously the Tories now solemnly understand that Changes Must Be Made. They fired/accepted the resignations of five people, of course. Totally intentional. Definitely planned. But what else? Surely there are some Big Name Resignations coming?

Step forward: the Cabinet Re-shuffle! Ministers get shunted about like a particularly determined juggler auditioning for a new circus, except the circus in question is the UK Government and the juggler is a clown, so there are only two balls and both get dropped and one turns out to be a custard pie which gives an audience member anaphylaxis and the children cry.

No one is actually sacked. Only two women get new roles, a move that even, of all fucking people, THE DAILY MAIL are pissed off by, triggering them to coin the term the “he-shuffle”, which is a really shit pun that took me half an hour to work out but JEEsus when even the Mail turns on you...

Fun fact! The new minister for housing is a landlord who once defeated a law to make homes “fit for human habitation”.

Even more fun fact! Jacob Rees-Mogg gets a demotion to Brexit Opportunities Minister that somehow gives him an extra £35K a year for less work. In the words of John Elledge, major UK journalist, it’s a bit like trying to keep a small child occupied, so you put them in charge of keeping the garden free of goblins or something.

The funnest fact! He may actually have a serious conflict of interest according to anti-corruption experts (he’s a major shareholder in a multi billion pound fund specialising in emerging markets.) Tories be Torying. Here’s a fun cartoon.

Two Days Ago

The Mirror reveals photo from the Number 10 Christmas quiz showing BJ with an open bottle of bubbly. Pippa Crerar, a one-woman government killing machine at this point, tweets it during PMQs, meaning Boris has zero time to prepare.

So he’s asked about it there and then by Labour MP Fabian Hamilton, who describes him in the photo as “surrounded by alcohol, food and people wearing tinsel”. Oh no! What a disaster! But it’s irrefutable! How could you get around this? It’s a photograph! The camera cannot lie!

Boris’ response: “It’s not true.”

IT’S A PHOTOGRAPH YOU UNGODLY SHITKNUCKLED BLIMP

Then the Education Secretary says pupils shouldn’t be allowed to criticise BJ in class, and tries to get some teachers fired for allowing it. This is because the teachers were doing a civics and politics exercise with year six pupils, where they teach them about British political systems and due process, and then tell them about current political events. They then got the children to write letters to the Prime Minister.

The children were not kind. The grown-ass Tories are Very Hurt about it. So, let’s end freedom of speech I guess.

And then, Scotland Yard announce that they are reviewing their previous assessment that the Christmas Quiz did not meet the threshold for an investigation (remember that? When they said they don’t investigate past crimes?)

The Met begin contacting over 50 Downing St party attendees, including Big Dog.

Yesterday

John Major returns to the public consciousness, like getting an abnormal result on a smear test.

Yes, I know, sorry to remind you all of John Major. But! He, too, is here for his pound of flesh! He tells the BBC that Borry J broke the law over the parties! No word on whether Nadine Dorries tried to demand his sacking too, she’s dumb enough to try.

Martin Lewis pops back up to stick the boot in again over Sunak’s stupid fuel bill loan scheme, because a YouGov poll shows most people want to opt out. It seems the golden touch is a little less golden, Chancellor?

Meanwhile, the Russian Foreign Secretary met with Liz Truss, a woman with all the talent and charisma of an old and faded hot water bottle who is the second favourite to take over from Boris Johnson. He described the meeting as “like talking to a deaf person”, by which I presume he means ‘intentionally not listening’, because the Deaf folks I’ve known have always been very attentive, I thought (except Amy Jenkins in Sixth Form who was quite honestly a massive dickhead, but that was unrelated to her hearing status. This is again not really relevant, but if you’re reading this, Amy, fuck you and give me my pencil sharpener back.)

BUT THEN THE BIG NEWS!!! :D :D :D

Remember that watchdog investigation into the Met that found it was a gross nest of misogyny and discrimination?

Cressida Dick tells the BBC she is “seething angry” about the findings of all the misogyny and that, and that she has no intention of quitting.

Immediately after, she meets with Sadiq Khan, mayor of London, who tells her he has no faith in her leadership.

Two hours post-interview, CRESSIDA DICK MYSTERIOUSLY RESIGNS!!!! :D :D :D

What the fuck did Sadiq say to her???

Anyway this is actually fantastic news. The sordid tale of why Cressida Dickhead belongs in jail being spat on by inmates and passersby alike would take a much longer post and this one is already 8.5 fucking metres, but if you’re feeling brave, here is a Twitter thread by Simon Edge that explains it. Warning: it’s extremely upsetting, and covers police corruption around the murder of a man of colour in good detail. But DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD, crack open the good cheese, lads.

Sadiq Khan publicly says he will now work closely with the Home Secretary to replace her with the aim of restoring trust. This is very funny because the Home Secretary is Priti Patel, who will be furious about this, and I dearly wish I could be a fly on the wall.

Then the leader of Lib Dems (it’s Ed Davey, it’s okay, no one knows who it is, you aren’t alone) says Boris should have no influence over Cressie D’s replacement. Well, it’s nice for the Lib Dems to get a line.

And then Nadine Dorries decides to do some politics! Now, back in 1981, Margaret Thatcher allowed Rupert Murdoch to buy The Times and the Sunday Times. Previously, monopoly regulators wouldn't have allowed it. She managed this with one compromise: legally, Murdoch wouldn't be allowed to interfere with the Times' editorial independence.

Yesterday, Culture Secretary Nadine Dorries removed this restriction. The Times is now free to do Murdoch propaganda just like the Sun does, and, crucially, to publish Boris support pieces. Nadine Has Helped!

Even Tories are furious about this, interestingly. Including Tory voters. They quite liked the Times, and it’s about to become swamp water.

Meanwhile, Hailsham South holds a by-election. The Tories lose another seat to the Lib Dems.

And then international experts say Britain is edging closer to a Flawed Democracy so that’s Super Fun.

Today

John Major is back, and calls for the gift of the head of Boris Johnson on a silver platter.

In fact, cannibalising his own party is not exactly a new move from Major, so no surprises here.

Then, a “senior ally” of the Prime Minister warns Scotland Yard to be “very certain” that he breached lockdown rules. “There is inevitably a degree of discretion here,” they tell the Times. “Do you want the Met deciding who the Prime Minister is? They have to be very certain [before issuing a fine].”

Cool cool! Message received, if you come at the king you’d best not miss, a totally normal and completely legal and acceptable thing to say to the police from the government, totally fine.

Fun times!

Meanwhile, let’s see how Jacob Rees-Mogg is getting on as Brexit Opportunities Minister.

He has asked people to tell him what possible benefits they can think of from Brexit, because he cannot think of any. Fantastic. What a politician.

We get a gift, from r/ukpolitics! A tracker, to see which Tory MPs have sent letters of No Confidence. Fun!

I write my notes for this update. They are five pages, and over one and a half thousand words. They are 42% as long as the Sue Gray report.

Pls buy me a Ko-fi, this took seven hours to write up and I'm a shadow of my former self.

#the adventures of Big Dog the Clown #politik #long post

2K notes · View notes

kaunis-sielu · 3 years

Text

Naja

Tw: death/mentions of death, not major characters

You take a slow breath then round the corner. You know only your target is in here, you know the lay out and you know that when you’re done here you’ve got a fat paycheck and a vacation on a beach waiting.

You slip like a ghost into the bedroom, he’s snoring soundly, like you knew he would be. Slipping a little something extra into his drink earlier was almost embarrassingly easy.

You make your way into the room and pull your kit from your pocket, it takes you a few seconds to prep the needle then inject him between his two smallest toes on his left foot.

You put everything away then wait in the shadows, his breathing slows, then stops. It’s then that you make your way out of the bedroom and slip into the night. Tony Masters would not wake up in the morning.

You used to feel bad about killing people, it used to weigh on you but these were bad people. Should they have the chance they’d kill you too, but you were better than them, it’s why you’re still alive.

As you make your way down the street you pull your phone from your pocket and after turning it on you dial the only number on the phone.

“Naja.”

“Bossman.” He groans, he hates when you call him that but it hasn’t stopped you yet.

“What do you have for me?”

“Done, he stopped arguing at 1:06.” You use the code word arguing to be safe, you never know whose ears are listening.

“Well done,” he praises, “your pay will be in your account in the next two hours. When are you back from your trip?”

“Monday.”

“I’ll have a new client for you then.”

“Copy that Bossman, I’ll be in touch when I get back.”

“Until then Naja.” You hang up then and turn off the phone before shoving it back into your coat pocket, god you hate New York City in the winter.

Once you’re back at the safe house you take off the wig you’d been wearing and take a hot shower. After packing everything into your bag, then locking away your work stuff and hiding it in the wall, you schedule an Uber for tonight then get some sleep. You hang out around the safe house that day, ordering some food to the house and watching Netflix while you plan your upcoming trip.

The ride to the airport and walk through security are both uneventful. You travel enough that you’re able to hang out in the business lounge and enjoy a late snack and a Diet Coke before your flight. It’s not crazy packed this late in the evening but it’s busy enough where a man comes wandering in and joins you in your little alcove of seats. He gives you a little nod and you return it with a small smile.

He’s handsome, dark brown hair, bright blue eyes and a very fit body. He looks less comfortable with his surroundings than some of the other bored looking business types but not completely uncomfortable. You almost strike up a conversation but you decide it’s too quiet in the room for an actual conversation so you go back to your book.

When it’s time you head for your gate, to your surprise the handsome guy also gets up.

“You’re not going to Fiji too are you?” He asks and you laugh softly.

“I am.”

“What seat? If you don’t mind me asking.”

“A4.” You tell him and he gives a surprised laugh. “No way, you’re A3 aren’t you?”

“Yup.” He says with a smile, “James Barnes but my friends call me Bucky.” He tells you reaching out a hand.

“Nice to meet you James, I’m Victoria.” You lie, you always travel under the name of Victoria, “but you can call me Tori.”

“You’re a bit of a smart ass aren’t you Tori?” He asks with a little smirk in your direction and you laugh as you walk together toward the gate.

“What would make you say that?”

“Calling me James because I said my friends call me Bucky and we’re not friends yet.”

“Awful presumptuous of you.” You tease and he looks over at you in confusion, “Assuming we’re gonna be friends.” His confusion changes to a little smirk,

“Oh I think you’ll find that I’m a great friend.” He says and you laugh.

“How long will you be in Fiji?” You ask as you step onto the moving sidewalk.

“A week.” How convenient for you.

“Mm, me too.”

“What are the chances we’re on the same flight home?”

“Slim, I don’t actually live in New York.”

“Oh,” is it just you or does he sound disappointed? “Where are you from?”

“I live in DC.” You tell him, another lie, you don’t really live anywhere which can be pretty shitty sometimes.

“I work there sometimes, it’s not a bad city.”

“Especially if you like history and politics.” You say and he laughs. You’re able to walk right onto the plane, you hoist your bag up into the overhead above your seat and slide into your little pod. You shove your extra bag down in it’s spot then settle in as James sits down next to you.

“Here’s the real question,” he says, “are you the kind of person who ignores the world, headphones on sleeping while you fly or are you the kind that will chat with your soon-to-be friend?”

“Eventually I’ll need a nap, this is a long flight after all but I’m not opposed to chatting for a while.”

A while turns out to be nearly half the flight. He’s funny, charming and you’re thrilled to find that he’s also staying at the same all inclusive resort you are. Then comes the dreaded question,

“So, what do you do for a living?”

“I’m an admin assistant at a dentist office.” You lie, people usually don’t have many follow up questions to that answer. “What about you?”

“I’m in the personal protection field.” Oh shit. He’s a bodyguard?

“What do you mean?” You ask, just to be completely clear.

“I’m a bodyguard. Mostly for CEO’s sometimes politicians. I’m the co-owner of Nomad Solider Protection so I don’t do a ton of hands on work anymore.”

“Sounds much safer.”

“Yea, if we get a bigger client though my partner Steve and I usually take those on. Me more now that his wife is pregnant.”

“Must be scary.”

“I’ve gotten used to it, I sometimes feel bad for our clients though. Feeling like they need protection all the time.”

“Only sometimes?”

“Yea, sometimes it’s almost like they’ve done it to themselves. I know that sounds victim blamie but if you’re going to choose to poison the water supply to make a million dollars it’s almost more a consequence of your actions.”

“Have you ever lost anyone?”

“Only twice.” He sounds sad and you suddenly feel bad about asking.

“Sorry, we don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want.”

“It’s all good. It was a long time ago, I’m still not entirely sure what happened. The first one almost killed me, the second was like a fuckin’ ghost.”

Tag list:

@abschaffer2 @dsakita @dramadreamer14 @thesassmisstress @andahugaroundtheneck @loving-life-my-way @thefridgeismybestie @killcomet @dumblani @im-just-another-monster @mywinterwolf @scuzmunkie @biskwitmamaw @geeksareunique @paintballkid711 @lumar014 @also-fangirlinsweden @connie326 @inkedaztec @valsworldofcreativity @jinglebellerock-blog-blog @strangersstranger

#bucky barnes au #imagine bucky barnes #bucky imagine #bucky barnes x reader #imagine bucky barnes x reader au #bodyguard au #bodyguard!bucky

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iluvnhlrs · 2 years

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im just going to share a quick PSA for some people on here… going on a date or a few dates doesn’t mean you’re someone’s girlfriend, an NHL player following you on Instagram doesn’t mean you’re his girlfriend, CP isn’t obsessed with blonde girls named Tori and is a bigger fboy than some of you think, Klara and Oskar have been dating over 10 years and I hope they are still together, Yotes anon I wouldn’t keep writing in (Assuming you actually work with the team) you should know every NHL employee has to sign a confidentiality agreement - I know a girl who works for a team (not an ice girl) and she would be fired if she ever broke the agreement, lastly people have got to stop freaking out over players who have been in relationships for all of 1 week - a majority of these relationships won’t last

This Is a good PSA

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amphtaminedreams · 5 years

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All The Tattoos I Couldn’t Really Afford

Hi to anyone who’s reading!

I thought I’d write about my tattoos a lil bit.

Partly because I’d like to talk generally about tattoos and what they mean for people who have dealt with self-harm and poor body image and partly because I get questions now and again about the more practical side of things; who did them, how much did they hurt and probably the most frequent one, how much did they cost (I mean, only my entire livelihood and every last spare pound I had for about 2 years but nbd)? The point being that I can put all this information in one place, especially as I don’t plan to get any more in the foreseeable future.

See, as much as I get tired of people I don’t really know commenting on them, I suppose I did kind of bring it upon myself. Facially, I probably look about 15. I get told I'm exaggerating when I say that BUT I WAS STILL BUYING CHILD’S TICKETS ON THE BUS UP UNTIL LAST YEAR BC AIN’T NOBODY GOT TIME FOR £2.60 SINGLES. Where do you live for a bus single to cost £2.60 I hear you ask? In a tory heartland, my friend.

Anyway, the point is that I look pretty young to have a sort-of sleeve and tbh, I am. I’d say that for a lot of people, a sleeve is something you build on kinda throughout your life, not something you plan on getting pretty much the minute you turn 18. That isn’t exactly how it was for me either. I was more like 20 when I started on my left arm, lol. I started on the rest when I was 18 and had known most of the tattoos I wanted to get since I was about 14/15, so for quite a while. I think I always associated a tattooed version of me with a version of myself I liked and respected a lot more than the girl I saw myself as at that age, but I didn’t realise just how true that would be. The tattoos definitely aren’t the reason I’m so much more body confident than I was back then; I’m at a weight I feel more comfortable in, I’ve learned how to do my makeup better and I think I’ve grown into myself more. Plus, I got my braces off, which helps. The constant fear of having food in my teeth hardly conjures up a sense of nostalgia, lol. On top of that, seeing a wider and more diverse range of faces and body types celebrated online and in the media has definitely helped me too.

But one thing that I noticed is how much more respect having tattoos gives me for my own body. When you have talented men and women’s art all over you, it makes you feel like less of a body and more of a blank sheet. I think the attention moves away from the parts underneath that you might not like so much to something you don’t necessarily associate with yourself. It helps me to notice myself more objectively, with appreciation taking the place of scrutiny. And with regards to self-harm, on a practical level, I don’t want to damage somebody else’s hard work.

The first tattoo I actually got, about a month or so after I turned 18 was pretty simple. I found the studio by way of recommendation from someone who’s tattoo I liked, which imo is probably the best route to go down for your first one. Word of mouth is generally a pretty good indicator of what to expect.

The 5 planet formation on the back of my neck was based on a Tumblr photo I’d saved on my phone, though in the original design I believe the planets were on the person’s chest.

PROTIP: If you’re getting a tattoo based on something you found on Pinterest, Google Images or Tumblr, the best thing to do is first to probably make a note of the artist and ideally ask them for their permission. This is something I wish I’d done at the time; the majority of my tattoos are based on images I found on the sites I just mentioned and saved without thinking and I generally deleted the photos once I sent them to the tattoo artist. Understandably, artists see it as respect thing to credit them and if I do ever come across the designs some of my tattoos are based on, I will of course make sure to add their details to this post, BUT to be completely honest, nobody outside of the internet is that bothered if you copied a tattoo you saw on Pinterest one time.

I think the best thing to do is to ask your tattoo artist to put their own spin on a design and add to it, which is what I’ve generally done, and that way you should avoid anyone feeling like their work has been stolen. I like that approach anyway, especially if you’re going back to the same person for all your tattoos; it adds a consistency to them.

This being my first tattoo, there wasn’t really much of a deeper meaning behind it. I liked the way it looked and wanted something simple that could easily be covered. I got this done by dclxvi.tattoo on Instagram, and it cost around £40. In terms of pain, there wasn’t much at all. I thought it was going to be a lot worse from what others had told me, and more than anything I could feel the vibration of the needle. I’d give it a 1/10 on the pain threshold.

My second was the quote on my left side over my ribcage which reads “think deeply, speak gently, give freely and be kind”. This came from one of those cheesy typical middle class white people signs we usually put in our kitchens; we currently have about 6 and counting in ours. The full quote is “Think deeply, speak gently, love much, laugh a lot, work hard, give freely and be kind” but I thought that was a bit long winded so I kept the parts I liked. I suppose the meaning meaning of this is pretty self-explanatory, lol! When I was younger and still even now with the people I’m close to, I worry way too fucking much what people think of me. It’s a very cliche saying but at some point, I learnt that what others say about you says more about them than it does about you. From then, I started realising that as long as I know I do my best to treat people well, that’s the important thing and this tattoo is kind of just a reminder of that. IIRC, this one cost about £60 and was with the same artist as my first. She was really lovely and made me feel very comfortable so I went back to her for this one, and my next couple too. Again, even though it was on my ribs, I’d give it a 1/10 for pain.

I kinda lose track but I’m pretty sure it was over the summer of my 18th that I got the 3 you can see in the photo above, all still by the same artist. The first on this area of my arm was the quote “love yourself so no-one else has to” inside the heart/feminine symbol hybrid. Similarly, it’s quite self-explanatory but if I had to expand on it, it’s just a reminder that it’s not about what other people think and that as long as I’m happy in myself and BY myself, that’s what matters. This was around the £40 mark and I vaguely remember tattoos getting slightly more painful around this point as we’re getting into musclier territory. Not to make out I have guns or anything, lol, but I’ve always found that tattoos that are on top of muscle are the most difficult to sit through, still though I’d give it a 2/10 for pain. Shortly after I got the crystal ball with the quote underneath. The crystal ball is pretty much a copy of a tattoo I found on Pinterest by the tattoo artist Emily Malice/@emilymalice on Instagram:

I then chose a quote to add underneath it to make it my own which was: “it’s not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves”. It’s the modernised version of a quote from the Shakespeare play Julius Caesar, and basically sums up the idea that if we want something, we have to go and get it ourselves. I’m not really a believer in fate or destiny or the idea that the universe has a bigger plan for us and though that might sound really pessimistic, I find it empowering in that we can go out and make our lives into anything we want them to be. Of course there are things that are out of our hands but for the most part, it’s down to us; I’m on that inner locus of control shit. And yes I remembered that from A-level psychology, lol. On the pain scale, also a 2/10.

Next was my Lana tattoo. Imagine copious amounts of the heart eyes emoji here. It’s based on this drawing:

Which I cannot find the artist of fucking ANYWHERE. The image is all over the bloody internet and returned about 30 different results on TinEye but I can’t for the life of me find the original version so if anybody knows, lmk!

Anyway, it was my first of 2 Lana tattoos and it’s probably my favourite of them all. I’ve been a hardcore stan of this woman since I was about 12 and Video Games went viral (yes, I was a very pretentious 12 year old/general human being) and her music has been my soundtrack to EVERYTHING for the last 7/8 years. I’m a basic bitch and so Born to Die: Paradise Edition and Ultraviolence are still my favourite albums of hers but I wanted to pay tribute to the Lust for Life cover with the flowers in the hair because it represented her moving towards inner peace and contentment and I loved that.

COST: approx. £70

PAIN: 2/10

That was my last tattoo for a while until about November 2018, from which point onwards I was getting them pretty much constantly up until a few months ago. I was no longer at uni, had a part time job and for the first time had proper disposable income, so I got my first proper “piece” tattoo:

This one I very shittily designed myself, though the lip part was based on this tattoo by Heidi Kaye/@heidikayetattoo on Instagram:

The lips were always going to be the centrepiece though it was originally a much bigger design. The idea was that it would be a piece based around the elements, water, earth, air and fire, with the things that represents each being something sentimental to me. Well, apart from the lips which would represent the passion of the fire signs; I just thought they looked cool, lol. On a less shallow note, the butterflies, which represent air (along with the moons), I associate with my mum as she’s always wearing butterfly patterned outfits and jewellery. Yeah, I don’t know how you can claim a whole ass insect either but apparently they’re her thing! And similarly, the scorpion is for my sister; it represents water, scorpio being a water sign. She and I used to watch Orphan Black together and took to affectionately calling each other “sestra” instead of sister like the Ukranian character Helena pronounces it in the show. At one point, I believe it’s season 3, her character hallucinates a scorpion (don’t ask, that show was pretty wack at times), hence the scorpion tattoo. Lastly, the flowers and the agate rock represent earth, which is the home of my sun and moon sign. There were originally going to be a lot more details to the piece but I wanted to keep it on the back of my arm and when I showed it to my new tattoo artist, Matt Cassy (cassytattoo on Instagram), he simplified it for me so that it would fit. It cost around £140 and took the longest time yet, but I’d give it a 1/10 for pain and it’s my favourite tattoo after my Lana one, probably because it’s the most individual.

Next after this was my sunflower and it took me to one of kindest and most talented people I’ve ever met! I’m pretty sure this was the first one she did for me and from this point onwards, I went back to Bianca Kidd (biancakiddtattoo on Instagram) for 90% of my tattoos. It’s a pretty basic piece but I really wanted a tattoo on my shoulder and preferably something that will never really go “out of style”. Flower tattoos are so simple but the absolute prettiest imo and I don’t think I’ll ever look back on this one and be like “what was I thinking?” I got Bianca to add the stars which were SUPPOSED to be in the form of the constellations of my sun, moon and rising signs, Capricorn, Virgo and what I thought was Scorpio but turns out is actually Cancer. Shoulda known considering how much of a needy, over-emotional twat I am, lol. On the one hand, it seems kinda contradictory to my crystal ball tattoo quote to believe in astrology but on the other, I think there might be something to the time of year a person is born and the environmental factors that come with that (climate, financial patterns etc.) affecting a person’s temperament slightly. It could all be a load of BS, considering the vagueness of most star signs and our tendency to want to agree with positive statements about ourselves, and I DEFINITELY don’t believe in the stars having any impact on your future or fate but it’s still fun to read about either way. Would be even funner if I didn’t have regrets about getting my natal chart wrong and being sure enough that Scorpio was my rising sign to get a tattoo referencing it every time I did, but there you go. If anyone asks, the placement of the stars is TOTALLY. RANDOM.

COST: approx. £140

PAIN: I find that even if a tattoo isn’t in a super painful position, your skin begins to get a little raw and thus more sensitive when it’s under a needle for a long period of time so 3/10

Next was the snakey boy on the inside of my right arm which I got just before Christmas, again by Bianca:

I don’t have much to say about this one other than it’s pretty much a copy of one I saw on Pinterest that I’d saved quite a while before (unfortunately I can’t find it anywhere now but if anybody does know the source lmk!) because I fricken love snakes and think they’re cute and misunderstood af. Not as cute as cats but definitely up there. Bianca changed it slightly by adding the dots around the rose and we went from there, and the main thing I remember is that this one actually hurt. Close to the armpit and on top of the muscle is a bad combination and I’m totally in awe of the madmen that go right into the pit itself. It cost £80 and for pain I’d give it an 8/10.

Cop the exact same pose only with the other arm instead, but I also got my mermaid around this time:

She was done by Polly (biffinx on instagram) who’s an apprentice tattoo artist. If you are looking for a slightly cheaper tattoo, apprentices are a good shout, as they usually charge slightly less, though in Polly’s case are equally as skilled at what they do; you’re also helping them build their portfolio so it’s a win-win situation for both you and the tattoo artist. That being said, make sure you do your research and get someone who’s good at the style you’re looking for before you commit. Instagram is often your best bet, and if not, tattoo shops often have websites with photo galleries showcasing each artist’s work. It might take you a while to find what you’re looking for but you really can’t compromise when you’re talking about something that’s probably going to be on your body forever. NBD. I got the mermaid as a nod to both growing up by the sea and how much I loved to swim when I was younger. I feel like I’m going to end up saying this far too many times but she’s one of my favourites.

COST: £60

PAIN: 8/10

I also got the other 3 tattoos on my upper right arm during this time. Bianca did the satanic kitty (can’t find the source of the tattoo it was based on! again, if anyone does lmk!), because of course I had to have a cat tattoo, and that was around £50 and a 3/10 on the pain scale. The two shells, which again are a reminder of where I grew up, were done by Terry Weeks (terryweekstattoo on Instagram) and cost £70 for both. I’d give them a 2/10 for pain.

Next were my knee and calf tattoo in February of this year, for which I went back to Matt Cassy:

He did the two of them for £140 and it took around 3 hours. Palm trees always remind me of California which I absolutely love, and the spider’s web was kinda just because...spooky, ya know? Honestly, I hate spiders and I equally hate that it gave the old man on the bus the inspiration to make the joke (imagine this being said in a strong Dorset accent) “you’ve got ae spiderr on yerr leg” at me that one time on the bus. Plus, I’d give my knee tattoo a strong 9/10 for pain. Realistically, it probably wasn’t any more painful than the inner upper arm tattoos but you have the added burden of suppressing your reflexes; when somebody is carving into the skin on your leg, it really shouldn’t come as a surprise that your knee jerk reaction is to...well, kick that person in the face. Or away from you at least. I also got the elbow pit tattoo on my left arm from Bianca around this time for £160. 8/10 for pain on that one.

And then, there was the 10/10 in March. The things I do for Miss Lana Del fucking Rey.

Because the Just Ride tattoo above my knees HURT. I wasn’t expecting it at all but BLOODY HELL. My tattoo artist actually had to get the numbing spray out for this one. It was, again, the combined effect of it being on top of muscle and the need to resist my reflexes so that I didn’t flinch, which clearly I didn’t do a very good job at, hence the spray. I think my reaction at the time was kind of, what the fuck, has this stuff always existed? But the more you can put off asking for the spray, the better, because used in large quantities it can be pretty dangerous. This was the only tattoo I felt I did need it for because I literally couldn’t sit still and there was a risk of me jogging the tattoo artist, Megan, the amazing @bunnystattoos on Instagram. Her stuff is adorable and she has such a strong vision and brand and if I was going to get another, I’d love to just give her a starting point and see where she’d take it from there. Like, I’m not a Star Wars fan but LOOK at this set she designed for someone else:

I also got my Dream On tattoo with her in the same session and in total she charged me £110 for both which is pretty reasonable considering how in demand she is (and how much of a total baby I was about the Just Ride tattoo). I chose lyrics from Ride because lyrically, it’s probably one of my favourite songs of hers, plus the opening 30 seconds are pure magic.

Megan also did the linework orchid lady on the back of my arm around the same time:

I suppose you could say this is my most “meaningful” tattoo, because it was inspired by something my care-coordinator said to me about my diagnosis of BPD. In amongst all the other less than complimentary comments, she told me that it just means we need a little more care and sensitivity than others, like orchids do in comparison to other flowers, but that that doesn’t make us any less deserving of care or less beautiful. Basically, in the right circumstances, we can bloom too. And I liked that.

This one cost £80 and was about a 3/10 for pain. I can’t find any photos of the tattoo it was based on so for the millionth time, if you do know, hmu.

From April-May I got a shitload of tattoos and to be honest, I can’t really remember what order it was in so I’m going to group them into artists. First, the ones I got from Polly:

The anatomical heart I got in March and was based on this tattoo by Harry Plane (@harry.plane on Instagram):

COST: £50

PAIN: 7/10

And the sun and moon kissing was also around £50. 2/10 for pain.

Bianca did a few for me too, starting with the floral design on my lower left arm around March, which was probably my biggest piece yet:

The floral piece started off as a 4/10 though it creeped up to a 6 the closer it got to my wrist. Going over raised scars is also slightly more painful, something to bear in mind. Along with the Keep It Cute tattoo (6/10) on my wrist:

It came to £180.

Bianca also did the linework of my favourite GIF, like, ever.

Yes, it’s Go Go Yubari from Kill Bill about to try and maim The Bride, who don’t get me wrong I am perennially rooting for, but come on. It’s an iconic moment in film history Once Upon a Time in Hollywood wishes it could replicate. 4/10 for pain due to it being over scarring, otherwise we’re talking about the kind of placement that’s a reliable 2/10. I also got wrapped into the whole renaissance inspired trend and got Bianca to do me a little cherub gap filler based on this flash sheet I found on Google Images (link to the image found here https://creativemarket.com/Sonulkaster/280110-Angels-and-Cupids-collection.?utm_source=Pinterest&utm_medium=CM):

I suggested the cigarette as a cheeky little addition, lol! I’d give it a 5/10 for pain, being close to the inside of my arm n all and it set me back around £40. Unfortunately, I don’t have any great quality photos of it that I haven’t already used in the post but here’s one where you can see it a little bit (idk why my hair looks so brown and basically my natural colour in this photo but I DO NOT APPROVE, it is not at all fitting with my wannabe mildly goth aesthetic):

Finally, we have my last 2 tattoos.

See, getting my finger tattoos done was an absolute necessity before I went inter-railing and not because I’m an over-dramatic bitch who wanted a little something to make my multitude of me-holding-food photos more aesthetically pleasing (though of course it helped on that count), but because I made the fucking huge mistake of trying to stick and poke them myself. To be fair, they weren’t THAT bad at first. Like I was pretty pleased with them. Buuuut they faded super quickly and I guess that’s the issue with stick and pokes, especially on your fingers, where even professional tattoos are a bit of a flight risk anyway. So, after having to go over them a million times and spilling Indian ink all over my laptop keyboard, I decided to admit defeat and get Bianca to go over them for me. It cost £30 and I’d only give it a 4/10 on the pain scale. After months of having to explain my shitty faded finger tattoos to everyone and convince far too many customers at work that they weren’t just drawn on with a sharpie, I’m finally happy with them. Lesson learnt. Don’t stick and poke kids, especially not near your laptop.

Lastly is my “Wouldst Thou Like to Live Deliciously?” quote that Polly did for me:

The cost of this tattoo? £30. Having to explain to every person who hasn’t seen The VVitch what it actually says and then what it means too? Priceless. Hotel? Tri-

I joke. It’s actually very annoying having to explain what it says and vague what it means, not because I don’t EXACTLY know but also because I feel like a snobby film hoe (which is quite an accurate description of me) every time I do. The VVitch is super good, guys. Please watch if you’ve got the patience, it’s a slow burn.

Anyways, I hope anybody who read to the end enjoyed the post and found it informative! If you have any other tattoo questions, shoot me a message and I will definitely respond. I think one of the most common things I get is people saying they’re too indecisive to get a tattoo and that they want one, but are worried they’ll go off it. What I think is that once you get your first, getting a tattoo starts to feel like less of a momentous decision. Like there are tattoos I have that I probably wouldn’t get now but that doesn’t mean I regret them because, although it sounds cheesy, they sort of become a part of you and represent what you liked at the time. The more you have, the less significant one individual tattoo is. At the end of the day, are you ever going to regret getting a tiny rose? Worst case scenario, you can always get a cover up or if you’re brave and rich enough (lol), get laser removal. In terms of aftercare, I’ve always been kind of sloppy. Follow the instructions your tattoo artist gives you but also, if you don’t get time to moisturise them, it’s not the end of the world. TRY not to itch them but one tiny scratch isn’t going to permanently damage your tattoo.

One thing I will say, though, that’s probably kind of obvious to everyone but me (being the dumbass I am) is that you should NOT go in the sea right after getting a tattoo. It is literally the equivalent of pouring salt in an open wound and whilst it didn’t ruin my Lana, it really fucking stung for about 3 days afterwards. I’m an endless treasure chest of protips, didn’t you know?

Thank you for reading!

Lauren x

#tattoos #ink #lana del rey #lana #lana del rabies #inkaddict #tattoed girls #ewwhatacringeyhashtag #spooky #spoopy #personalstyle

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alanaaacrawford · 5 years

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intro

hello!!! i’m tori (18, she/her, ACDT) and this is my lil baby alana aka ember. she’s still very new so please bare with me for a bit while i find my footing with her hehe but im so so excited to start rping with her and all of you! enough of me rambling, here’s alana:

[ALICIA VIKANDER, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER] IT’S BEEN TWO YEARS SINCE EMBER JOINED VELIA FROM PORTLAND, OREGON, USA. APPARENTLY THEIR NAME IS ALANA CRAWFORD AND THEY’RE A ROGUE. THEY HAVE BEEN FIGHTING AS A SOLO PLAYER MEMBER FOR A WHILE NOW. DIDN’T PEOPLE SAY THEY WERE NOT A BETA TESTER? I HEARD THEY TURNED TWENTY FOUR THIS YEAR. LET’S HOPE THEY MAKE IT OUT ALIVE.

BEFORE LOGGING IN

Alana didn’t have a particularly eventful childhood, though her family’s financial situation was tighter than most. Raised by her single mother, Alana spent a lot of her childhood with friends rather than family, her mother working long hours to make sure there was food on the table every night. Because of their limited finances, Alana and her mother did not have large holiday or birthday celebrations, but they were grateful for what they had.

Alana dropped out of high school a few weeks into her junior year, at the age of sixteen. Her mother wasn’t making enough to pay the rising bills, so Alana got a job as a cashier at the local supermarket. She moved out when she was eighteen, working three jobs (her cashier position, a waitressing job at the cafe around the corner, and an admin position in a real estate agent’s) to pay for her tiny flat and help her mother out. She knew she wanted to do bigger things than file papers all day, but she didn’t have time to think about what that would be, exactly – too busy working. Alana’s gruelling amount of hours also meant she didn’t have time for friends, she only had her mother.

After a lot of saving and scraping together tips, Alana managed to purchase Velia so she could escape from her reality of work and debt and 15 hours days for even a little bit.

AFTER LOGGING IN

When Ember first started playing the game, she was quick to join a guild, knowing there was strength in numbers. The close-knit community of Catalyst called to her with promises of protection and loyalty, a community she didn’t have outside of Velia. And for a while things were good.

She left Catalyst when she witnessed a guild-mate, her friend, commit a sleep player kill on a solo player. All the protection offered to her by Catalyst – a group she considered her family after so much time in the game – was not worth the deaths of defenceless people just to gain better weapons for the guild. Ember stood in the shadows, watching in shock as her friend killed the innocent. Sure, she’d done some morally grey things in the game (hadn’t they all?) but she was no longer able to turn a blind eye to Catalyst’s unnecessary cruelty. She packed her bag that night and escaped into the shadows. She’s worked mostly alone ever since.

Having honed her stealth and night vision to a sharp and threatening point, Ember has always been ready when other players have come after her. Her status as a prominent weapons merchant makes her a highly desired target for those not willing to pay her prices, but she hasn’t let a single weapon leave her person without… fair payment… thus far.

Ember's general strategic gameplay has been allowing the oh so heroic guild members to fight the major boss battles, while she sneaks around the side, launching sneak attacks on mob monsters. However, being a solo player means Ember has no one watching her back, so she splits her time between fighting enemy lines and looting shops, guilds or other solo players (whatever or whoever she can find, really) for weapons, clothes and supplies. You can’t always be the hero when you’re too busy watching your own back.

The only thing that seems to crack Ember’s strong exterior is her leopard mount, Eira. The animal brings out a soft, open side to her seen by no one else. Eira is the one thing Ember’s deathly afraid of losing in the game.

Unlike most, Ember isn’t in a rush to escape Velia. All that’s waiting for her back home is debt and the responsibility of putting food on the table, after all.

PERSONALITY

Life before Velia turned Alana into a cynic – wishes don’t just come true, you have to work and work and work.

When she logged on to Velia and joined Catalyst, Alana finally learned to lean on someone else and let others help provide for her. That’s why it hurt so much more when her friend committed the sleep player kill – the very people she thought she could depend on were capable of abusing power to such a horrific extent. And better believe she holds onto a grudge like it’s her lifeline.

Alana's experience in Catalyst hardened her. As a solo player, she became even tougher and more selfish than she was in real life. You won’t get any handouts from her.

She's pretty brazen (some might even say careless) in her battles. She doesn’t really care if she doesn’t make it out of the game.

If Alana lets you call her by her real name rather than her username, you know you’ve gained her trust. She doesn’t give it out easily.

(And she absolutely won’t hesitate to try and swindle you in a bargain.)

PLOT IDEAS!!

Ex-friend who committed sleep player kill (see bio page)

Ex-catalyst members who are hunting her down for the rare weapons she stole when she left

Information broker “friend” who sells their secrets in return for her weapons. maybe they’re friends (as a loose term) who don’t trust each other, screw each other over a few times (maybe screw heheh) (that’s v optional lmaoo the joke just worked) idk come plot with me

Alchemist/mystic friend. actually proper friends this time lol this friend is the one she comes to when she’s injured/needs somewhere to crash etc

Bring me fwbs with an excess of flirty banter thankqqq

just a few suggestions but PLEASE come plot with me i’m nice i promise and i’m open to basically everything so shoot me a message or like this post an i’ll message you!

#veliaintro #tw: death in game

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kayla1993-world · 3 years

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Heavyweight advice for the PMO

CABINET MAKING 101 — Prime Minister TRUDEAU and his Chief of Staff KATIE TELFORD have 3 priorities as they begin to put together a cabinet: Meet the team, consider other Rolodexes and reach across the aisle. So says HUGH SEGAL, a chief of staff to Davis and Mulroney.

Segal, a senior adviser with Toronto-based law firm Aird and Berlis LLP who was appointed to the Senate by former prime minister PAUL MARTIN, retired from the upper chamber in 2014. He tells Playbook that when a government returns with a minority, “before you start worrying about how you fill the cabinet spaces, you really have to worry about the mindset of your own caucus.”

No. 1 — Meet the team: The priority after a minority election result, in Segal’s view, is to schedule time for the prime minister to meet with Liberal members of the caucus, in small groups, to get their view on what’s really important.

“If you don't do that, when you've had an election which was successful but perhaps not as successful as everybody hoped, you could find yourself in some challenging circumstances very quickly,” he said.

Memorial University professor ALEX MARLAND noted in his book “Whipped: Party Discipline in Canada,” that Trudeau’s celebrity is a factor in his “lack of anxiety about caucus support combined with his considerable success as a leader" — which "explains his reduced compulsion to engage in meaningful caucus outreach.”

Personal access is hard fought for backbenchers. It took until the SNC-Lavalin affair in spring 2019 for the PMO to improve outreach with Liberal MPs after creating a caucus relations office to do just that.

— From Marland’s book: While Trudeau’s father held rotating lunches with a handful of MPs, JEAN CHRÉTIEN opted for bigger lunches with approximately 15 members a couple times a month; same with Martin, who invited ministers and MPs for relaxed meals and dined with colleagues weekly in the House lobby. STEPHEN HARPER, Marland wrote, had Conservative committee members over for meals at 24 Sussex.

No. 2 — Consider other peoples’ Rolodexes: The Liberals’ electoral priorities focused on climate, crime and housing, which Segal said are files “profoundly in the provincial jurisdiction.” Before giving serious thought to who would lead the charge on those issues in a cabinet, Segal said he would consider potential changes to the senior public service first, including deputy ministers and heads of agencies.

“You have to be certain that the deputy ministers who are going to be in charge of execution are deputy ministers who have good relationships in the provinces with their counterparts — and who can work those relationships to find joint ways of achieving the commitments which the government has made,” he said.

No. 3 — Reach across the aisle and share power: When Bill Davis was handed a minority in 1977, Segal was on his staff. That was the year the provincial government produced a joint legislative planning committee with a role for opposition parties. It is an idea for Trudeau and Telford to consider, Segal said, specifically to "move forward to get the pandemic addressed.”

He suggested Liberals de-escalate any pandemic brinkmanship by meaningfully working with the Conservatives, Bloc Québécois, NDP and Greens.

“That one initiative would send a very powerful message to the opposition parties and to the country. If the opposition party said, ‘We do not want to help, we are not going to be part of it," that is their problem,” Segal said.

TIME-IS-A-FLAT-CIRCLE TRIVIA — As noted by TVO’s STEVE PAIKIN, Trudeau was 6 years old in 1977 when he crossed paths with Davis while attending a Grey Cup game in Montreal with his father.

FROM OTTAWA TO TAMING HORSES — Former Mulroney chief of staff DEREK BURNEY chatted with Playbook from Colorado, updating us on his new job title: ranch hand. The ex-Canadian ambassador to the United States helps his sons look after horses.

“The most important objective for a minority government is cohesion,” he said. The simplest way to develop cohesion? Develop three to four priorities.

That was the plan for Harper's transition team when the Conservative leader won a minority in 2006. Burney was at that table. "He came got here out of an election with a big platform… whittled it down so the caucus and cabinet would understand that they had five things that they needed to get done. And it gave everybody a sense of purpose in the early days.”

— Don’t shut Conservatives out: Because the Conservatives won the popular vote, Burney suggested the Liberals need to resist the temptation to treat the opposition as cannon fodder. He said whenever the Liberals reach out to the NDP because the party is a natural ally, it wouldn’t be smart to exclude Conservatives from that dialogue.

“This was not a very profound election, let me put it that way,” Burney said. “It did not settle much, it did not sell anything. I think the country is pretty fragmented politically. So I would make an extra effort at dialogue with the opposition parties to at least show that there was an attempt to find common ground.”

Burney agrees with Segal that establishing some sort of pandemic panel would be a smart move, but he suggested removing politicians from being involved. “I think you have to take it out of the hands of the politicians and appoint an independent blue-ribbon panel of experts, not just medical… there are a lot of issues, I think, that need to be addressed.”

— Getting it done is number one: The veteran insider said the first few months of a minority government are critical in that it is important to not overload the agenda or risk getting into a rut that you can’t escape.

“The first thing the government has to do is … it has to show it can get something done,” Burney said. “That's the most important objective of all: getting something done. That was the title of my memoir, by the way. I hope you read it.”

Ensuring caucus cohesion is fundamental to ensuring a government has a better chance of implementing policy, Burney said, especially in the current circumstance for Liberals. “The caucus is more important in a minority than it ever is in a majority.”

HOME AT LAST — Ottawa snapped to attention late Friday on word that MICHAEL KOVRIG and MICHAEL SPAVOR had departed Chinese airspace. The Canadians were detained by Chinese authorities since Dec. 10, 2018.

Kovrig and Spavor were arrested, charged and eventually put on trial for crimes against the state, all of which were roundly dismissed by virtually every Western expert as payback for Canada's arrest of Huawei CFO MENG WANZHOU pending extradition to the United States. Hours after Meng was freed as part of a deferred prosecution deal with the Americans, the Two Michaels were Canada-bound.

Shortly after arriving in Toronto, Kovrig joined his wife VINA NADJIBULLA and sister ARIANA for an interview with Global's MERCEDES STEPHENSON from Ariana's porch. They were short and sweet. Kovrig, whose voice most Canadians were hearing to for the first time after seeing a handful of the same photos for more than 1000 days, was running on two hours of sleep.

"I just need to say thank you very much to all Canadians for the enormous support. And all the effort that so many people have made to help bring Spavor and me home. It was really moving. And knowing that so many people knew about the situation, cared about the situation, really helped us get through a very difficult time."

— Credit where it is due: Trudeau thanked "every single person and partner around the world who helped secure their release." DAN LAUZON, Foreign Minister MARC GARNEAU's chief of staff, gave a shoutout to his boss. UN ambassador BOB RAE credited the "disciplined, focused, patient, persistent skill of DOMINIC BARTON and KIRSTEN HILLMAN," the two envoys closest to the file. KATHLEEN DAVIS, a senior foreign policy adviser to Trudeau, added PMO senior global affairs advisor PATRICK TRAVERS to the list, along with Telford and former foreign minister FRANÇOIS-PHILIPPE CHAMPAGNE.

— China blinked first: Hillman told CTV News that as Meng's legal fight in North America was winding down, Chinese officials initiated conversations about releasing Kovrig and Spavor: "I think the Chinese government decided that, you know, it was time to put this behind them and move on.”

THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY — That's how busloads of wistful Conservatives will think of BRAD WALL, the prominent western Tory not named STEPHEN HARPER still revered by the party's sprawling voter coalition. Wall sat down with DAVID HERLE for an hour-long chat on the Herle Burly podcast.

The former Saskatchewan premier reflected on the O'Toole campaign, laid out a blueprint for how Conservatives can beat Liberals on guns and climate change, and bluntly assessed the state of the federation. Some key takeaways:

— The missing question: "I still don't know what ERIN O'TOOLE's ballot question was, other than 'We're not that guy" -- even though he had a full and credible platform. I think the campaign came down to that in the end."

— How to win the gun debate: The federal campaign turned the moment JUSTIN TRUDEAU went after O'Toole's gun policy for several days -- withering attacks that forced the Tories to edit their own platform. Wall argued Conservatives need their own their own ideas.

"Rather than react to the Liberals, Conservatives need to say, "Here are the kinds of guns that are used as tools in this country, or for hunting. We're going to be about protecting the right of people to own those. We've got a lot of guns laws now that protect the citizenry from a profusion of long guns or handguns," he told Herle. "I would try to avoid always playing on the Liberals' turf. They define everything."

— How to win the climate debate: Walls says the Liberal emission-reduction targets dominate any conversation about Canada's role in fighting climate change. He would try to flip the script.

"[Canada generates] 2.6 percent of global emissions. We're 2.6 percent of global emissions. I would say it over and over and over again. And then use it as a criticism of the Liberal plan," he said. "The Liberal plan is not just about pricing carbon but that is the heart and center of it. This is all you have to offer? This myopia about one third of 2.6 percent of global emissions? That is weak sauce. It's not good enough for Canada."

Wall insisted that Canadians could think bigger, developing world leading carbon capture and storage technology and substantially lowering the cost of nuclear energy.

— On Saskatchewan's place in the federation: Wall says the Senate does not properly represent his province's interests, leaving the House of Commons to do all the governing. "We're looking at having not very much influence in that representation by population de facto unicameral government that makes policies for the whole country. I do not think it is a particularly good federation, frankly … I do not mean to be too negative or depressing, but I cannot see this ever changing."

— How's his French? "It's terrible. It does not exist." Wall has probably declined to run for the federal Conservative leadership more than any other potential candidate since Harper stepped down in 2015. He'd be an instant frontrunner. But do not expect an insurgent bid any time soon. Never might actually mean never for the son of Swift Current.

START THE CLOCK — The Toronto Star's ALTHIA RAJ reports that LORRAINE REKMANS, the president of the Green Party's federal council, yesterday initiated a leadership review process. Voting will start Oct. 25, with a general meeting scheduled for Nov. 26.

ANNAMIE PAUL will hold a press conference this morning at Toronto's Suydam Park. The advisory included extremely specific latitude and longitude coordinates: 43°41'21.5"N 79°24'53.7"W, for the record.

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asktemmie-frisk · 6 years

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Having a Bad Timeline (ゴッドモードアーク(Goddomodoaku))

After that moment of secrecy with Chara, Frisk ended up going back to his room. When she was completely alone, she looked around to make sure nobody was watching or listening to her. Then she pulled out her phone, and went to her contacts list. "Hey. It's me, Chara. Come here whenever you can. I have something important to tell you. Don't tell Frisk. He'll know I told you." "Told you what?" Sans said, startling Chara for a split second. "Please stop doing that, comedian." "He does the same thing to you too?" Asked Papyrus. "That's it, Sans! Next time I see dad, I'm telling him everything!" "Tell him what? That I've been perfecting my teleporting and my jokes?" Inquired Sans. "Please! Both of you!" Chara got frustrated with them both. "Listen to me! Your dad, he showed up in Frisk's dream last night. Told him about Talrok, the guy that's been on the news. He's told you both about him too, right?" "Told me how much he knows about TALROK-and-roll." "SANS! ENOUGH! PLEASE!" Chara begged, reflexively making her creepy face. "Alright. Alright. Enough of the jokes. Let us in on it. I'm sorry. I'm done. Go ahead, Chara." "Thank you. Now, Talrok's been on the news lately. Breaking into schools and leaving without a trace, murdering criminals on the run and taking their hearts out of their chest. Right now, he's only stolen 3 souls. He never harmed a single kid." "Doesn't mean he's necessarily good. He killed, and stole the souls, of 3 criminals on the run. You think he's done? He can't possibly be." Sans' pupils disappeared and showed empty eyesockets. "Brother, please. I know how you get with people like them. You wouldn't stop being mad at Frisk for 2 years!" Papyrus said, seeing the look in his eyes. "He almost killed you, Papyrus! Do you really think-" "That doesn't matter! I told you many times that it doesn't matter! He stopped killing, remember?!" "Doesn't mean what he did was forgotten, Papyrus! Or is that something you forgot?!" "You are infuriating when you're like this! Sans, it happened in the previous timeline! LET IT GO, ALREADY!" "I don't have to let anything go, especially for someone who killed innocent monsters. Frisk may have made up for what he did, but it doesn't excuse the fact that he did it." Sans' left eye flashed its iconic cyan and yellow glow while he had a menacing grin. "Okay, both of you shut up for a second. You remember the previous timeline?! How?!" Chara was flustered by what she was learning. "It was a reset, Chara." The brothers said in unison. "Why do you two remember it?" "Come on, Chara. You think jokes are all I can do?" Sans said with a more accurate mouth expression. "Look. Ever since dad left us, I've tried to find ways to explain where he went and how we could get him back, which, in turn, led me to science, which, in turn, led me to learn about the time anomalies." "What...the fuck, Sans?" "My reports showed a massive anomaly in the time-space continuum. Timelines started jumping left and right, stopping and starting, until suddenly, everything would end. Initially, I assumed Frisk was to blame for the vast majority of them, but the only time-shift Papyrus and I fully witnessed was when Frisk told us what they did. They were so sad, full of self-hatred. I couldn't stay mad at them. So I did what someone merciful would do: I forgave them. I didn't forget, but I DID forgive. After that, we returned back to our home when we came to. Papyrus and I remembered in full what we witnessed. We decided it was for the best to act like we couldn't remember anything. We called Tori, and asked her if she remembered anything bad that happened recently. She scared us both when she admitted to remembering Frisk killing her." "Oh...no." "That's what we said. I explained to her as best as I could what happened, and she followed through most of it. She also told me something else. 'Sans, remember when I had you promise to watch over a human and protect them if they come through? Forget what I said. This human may have brought me back from death, but this human may be a bigger danger than I had anticipated. So please, if killing them is your only option, use whatever means necessary to prevent our kind from dying.' She was angry at the kid, and she was right to be. I had to tell her something to calm her down. Told her how the kid admitted what they did. Described how much they cried. I saw the look on Frisk's face. Nothing but regret, despair, and self-hatred. She changed her mind, and decided to help out in preventing anyone getting killed again." "What did you do?" "Anyone that got killed by Frisk previously was told to act like it didn't happen. Everyone in the ruins played along. Tori almost slipped up by accident, but she played the part nicely. Kid ended up not even laying a single finger on anyone. Tori even called me and told me. Admitted that she was wrong. Thought the kid deserved a chance to redeem himself, so this time, I offered to keep an eyesocket on him. I did as often as I could without being noticed, especially in Waterfall. Didn't want the kid dying cause I figured they might kill again. Couldn't protect them, though. Paps told me I couldn't just baby him. Poor kid died so many times, every time looking more and more remorseful than the last. I almost started crying and gave away my position. Paps had to tell me to snap out of it. Kept telling me 'he won't learn anything unless he is allowed to know the consequences of any wrongdoings he issues unto others'. At that point, we both started to help him in more subtle ways. He even went on a 'date' with my bro. Pretty funny if you asked me at the time, but I think they were both looking for something more platonic? I dunno." "That's...a very weird way to describe a 'date'. Don't take this personally, but I don't think either one knew what a date was supposed to be like. Frisk would be obvious, but Papyrus doesn't have much of an excuse." "Right. Well, I asked Alphys for some of the footage she recorded. She had no idea she could record across timelines. Confirmed I was right. Frisk wasn't at fault for most of the resets. The only one he was guilty of involved Papyrus and I." "How do you even remember all of the resets?" "Everybody remembers every last reset that occurs. They just act like they don't." While they were speaking, a voice entered the conversation with 3 bodies to accompany it. "So what you're saying is you all knew what Frisk did?" Chara turned around while Sans kept his eyesockets empty and Papyrus looked grim. "Oh no. Mom, dad, Rei, how much of that did you hear?" "All of it." The royal family said, looking straight at Chara. Chara immediately got scared the second they spoke in unison. "So, Chara, Asriel, I suppose it is time to talk about this." Toriel uttered, looking disappointed. "Talk? About what? Tori, why would our children need to talk about anything?" Asgore inquired foolishly. "First of all, do NOT 'Tori' me, Dreemurr. Second of all, our children have been hiding secrets that need to come to light." "Toriel, I thought we agreed that we would not tell Asriel." "Wait. What?! Not tell me what, mom and dad?!" Asriel chimed in, somewhat anxious. "Asriel, it's time you knew the truth. We don't remember what you may have done as a flower, but we've always known you and Flowey were the same person. We just never told you because we thought you did not want to be called 'Asriel' while you were a flower." "Oh. So you DID know. I guess we do have some secrets that need showing, huh? Chara, help me out?" "Fine, but tell them the truth, and no sugarcoating it. And actually tell them; don't just stall for time." Chara was nervous, and Asriel felt like he was ready to turn to dust. But they knew they had to tell them. They were both ready to be rejected by everyone, so they took all took a seat, and braced themselves for the truth. ALL OF IT.

#Undertale #Frisk (undertale)#Chara (undertale)#sans #papyrus #Toriel #Asgore Dreemurr #Asriel Dreemurr #sorry for the long post #I'm trying to tell a story here #God-mode Arc #Goddomodoaku

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labourpress · 7 years

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Jeremy Corbyn speech to Labour Party Conference

Jeremy Corbyn MP, Leader of the Labour Party, speaking at the Labour Party Conference in Brighton today, said:

***CHECK AGAINST DELIVERY***

Conference, thank you for that. We meet here this week as a united Party, advancing in every part of Britain, winning the confidence of millions of our fellow citizens, setting out our ideas and plans for our country’s future, that have already inspired people of all ages and backgrounds.

And it’s a privilege to be speaking in Brighton. A city that not only has a long history of hosting Labour conferences, but also of inspirational Labour activists.

It was over a century ago, here in Brighton, that a teenage shop worker had had enough of the terrible conditions facing her and her workmates. She risked the sack to join the Shop Workers’ Union, after learning about it in a newspaper used to wrap up fish and chips, and was so effective at standing up for women shop workers, she became assistant general secretary before the age of 30.

In that role she seconded the historic resolution at the Trades Union Congress of 1899 to set up the Labour Representation Committee so that working people would finally have representation in Parliament.

That became the Labour Party and it was this woman, Margaret Bondfield who later become a Labour MP. And in 1929, the first ever woman to join the British cabinet’

From a Brighton drapery to Downing Street. Margaret Bondfield’s story is a reminder of the decisive role women have played in the Labour Party from its foundation, and that Labour has always been about making change by working together and standing up for others.

Conference, against all predictions in June we won the largest increase in the Labour vote since 1945 and achieved Labour’s best vote for a generation. It’s a result which has put the Tories on notice and Labour on the threshold of power.

Yes, we didn’t do quite well enough and we remain in opposition for now, but we have become a Government-in-waiting. Our outstanding shadow cabinet team here today. And our message to the country could not be clearer - Labour is ready.

Ready to tackle inequality , ready to rebuild our NHS, ready to give opportunity to young people, dignity and security to older people, ready to invest in our economy and meet the challenges of climate change and automation, ready to put peace and justice at the heart of foreign policy. And ready to build a new and progressive relationship with Europe.

We are ready and the Tories are clearly not. They’re certainly not strong and they’re definitely not stable. They’re not remotely united. And they’re hanging on by their fingertips.

But this Tory Government does have one thing that we lack. They have tracked down the Magic Money Tree when it was needed to keep Theresa May in Downing Street. It was given a good old shake - and lo and behold – now we know the price of power – it’s about £100m for each Democratic Unionist MP.

During the election campaign, Theresa May told voters they faced the threat of a “coalition of chaos . Remember that? Well, now they’re showing us exactly how that works. And I don’t just mean the Prime Minister’s desperate deal with the DUP. She’s got a “coalition of chaos” around her own cabinet table - Phillip Hammond and Liam Fox, Boris Johnson and David Davis.

At each other’s throats, squabbling and plotting, manoeuvring to bundle the Prime Minister out of Number Ten and take her place at the first opportunity Instead of getting to grips with the momentous issues facing our country.

But this coalition of chaos is no joke. Just look at their record since the Conservatives have been in office;

The longest fall in people’s pay since record began

Homelessness doubled

NHS waiting lists lengthening

School class sizes growing and teachers leaving

Over 4 million children now in poverty

20,000 police officers … and 11,000 firefighters cut

More people in work and in poverty … than ever before

Condemned by the United Nations for violating the rights of disabled people.

That’s not strong and stable. It’s callous and calculating. Because the Tories calculated that making life worse for millions in the name of austerity would pay for hefty tax handouts to the rich and powerful.

Conference, your efforts in the election campaign stopped the Tories in their tracks. The election result has already delivered one Tory U-turn after another over some of their most damaging policies. The cruel dementia tax was scrapped within three days of being announced. Plans to bring back grammar schools have been ditched . The threat to the pensions’ triple lock abandoned. Withdrawal of Winter Fuel payments dumped. The pledge to bring back fox hunting dropped. And their plan to end free school meals in primary schools has been binned.

The reality is that barely three months since the election this coalition of Conservative chaos is tearing up its Manifesto and tearing itself apart. They are bereft of ideas and energy. Indeed, they seem to be cherry-picking Labour policies instead, including on Brexit.

I say to the Prime Minister: “You’re welcome . But go the whole hog end austerity, abolish tuition fees, scrap the public sector pay cap. I think we can find a Commons majority for all of that. This is a weak and divided Government with no purpose beyond clinging to power.

It is Labour that is now setting the agenda and winning the arguments for a new common sense about the direction our country should take.

Conference, there were two stars of our election campaign. The first was our Manifesto that drew on the ideas of our members and trade unionists and the hopes and aspirations of their communities and workplaces. And we were clear about how we would pay for it by asking the richest and the largest corporations to start paying their fair share.

Not simply to redistribute within a system that isn’t delivering for most people but to transform that system. So we set out not only how we would protect public services but how we would rebuild and invest in our economy, with a publicly-owned engine of sustainable growth, driven by national and regional investment banks, to generate good jobs and prosperity in every region and nation.

Our Manifesto is the programme of a modern, progressive socialist party that has rediscovered its roots and its purpose, bucking the trend across Europe.

And Conference, the other star of that campaign was YOU. Our members, our supporters in the trade unions, our doorstep and social media campaigners. Young people sharing messages and stories on social media, hundreds of thousands organising online and on the ground to outplay the Tories’ big money machine.

Is it any wonder that here today in Brighton you represent the largest political party in western Europe, with nearly 600,000 members, alongside three million affiliated trade unionists, brimming with enthusiasm and confidence in the potential of our people. You are the future. And let me say straight away. I’m awed and humbled by everything you have done, along with hundreds of thousands of others across the country, to take us to where we are today.

I have never been more proud to be your elected leader. Our election campaign gave people strength. It brought millions on to the electoral register and inspired millions to go to vote for the first time.

And Labour was the Party of unity, bringing generations and communities together, rather than pitting young and old against each other, as the Tories did. We will never seek to squeeze one generation to support another. Under Labour, people will win together.

The result of our campaign confounded every expert and sceptic. I see John McDonnell said the ‘grey beards’ had got it all wrong. I’m not sure that’s entirely fair, John? We wiped out the Tory majority, winning support in every social and age group and gaining seats in every region and nation of the country.

So please, Theresa May take another walking holiday and make another impetuous decision. The Labour campaign machine is primed and ready to roll.

Of course, there were some who didn’t come out of the election too well. I’m thinking of some of our more traditional media friends. They ran the campaign they always do under orders from their tax exile owners to trash Labour at every turn. The day before the election one paper devoted fourteen pages to attacking the Labour Party. And our vote went up nearly 10%.

Never have so many trees died in vain. The British people saw right through it. So this is a message to the Daily Mail’s editor- next time, please could you make it 28 pages?

But there’s a serious message too, the campaign by the Tories and their loyal media was nasty and personal. It fuelled abuse online and no one was the target of that more than Diane Abbott. She has a decades-long record of campaigning for social justice and has suffered intolerable misogynistic and racist abuse. Faced with such an overwhelmingly hostile press and an army of social media trolls,it’s even more important that we stand.

Yes we will disagree, but there can never be any excuse for any abuse of anybody. We settle our differences with democratic votes and unite around those decision.

That is the Labour Party, here this week, and out in the communities EVERY week -diverse, welcoming, democratic and ready to serve our country.

There is no bigger test in politics right now than Brexit, an incredibly important and complex process, that cannot be reduced to repeating fairy stories from the side of a bus or waiting 15 months to state the obvious. As democratic socialists, we accept and respect the referendum result, but respect for a democratic decision does not mean giving a green light to a recklesss Tory Brexit agenda that would plunge Britain into a Trump-style race-to-the-bottom in rights and corporate taxes.

We are not going to be passive spectators to a hopelessly inept negotiating team putting at risk people’s jobs, rights and living standards. A team more interested in posturing for personal advantage than in getting the best deal for our country. To be fair, Theresa May’s speech in Florence last week did unite the cabinet. for a few hours at least. Her plane had barely touched down at Heathrow before the divisions broke out again.

Never has the national interest been so ill-served on such a vital issue, If there were no other reason for the Tories to go their self-interested Brexit bungling would be reason enough. So I have a simple message to the cabinet for Britain’s sake pull yourself together or make way.

One thing needs to be made clear straight away. The three million EU citizens currently living and working in Britain are welcome here. They have been left under a cloud of insecurity by this government when their future could have been settled months ago. So Theresa May, give them the full guarantees they deserve today. If you don’t, we will.

Since the referendum result our Brexit team has focused above all on our economic future. That future is now under real threat. A powerful faction in the Conservative leadership sees Brexit as their chance to create a tax haven on the shores of Europe a low-wage, low tax deregulated playground for the hedge funds and speculators. A few at the top would do very nicely, no question. But manufacturing industries would go to the wall taking skilled jobs with them our tax base would crumble our public services would be slashed still further.

We are now less than 18 months away from leaving the European Union. And so far, the Tory trio leading the talks have got nowhere and agreed next to nothing. This rag-tag Cabinet spends more time negotiating with each other than they do with the EU. A cliff-edge Brexit is at risk of becoming a reality. That is why Labour has made clear that Britain should stay within the basic terms of the single market and a customs union for a limited transition period. It is welcome at least that Theresa May has belatedly accepted that.

But beyond that transition, our task is a different one. It is to unite everyone in our country around a progressive vision of what Britain could be, but with a government that stands for the many not the few.

Labour is the only party that can bring together those who voted leave and those who backed remain and unite the country for a future beyond Brexi. What matters in the Brexit negotiations is to achieve a settlement that delivers jobs, rights and decent living standards.

Conference, the real divide over Brexit could not be . A shambolic Tory Brexit driving down standards .Or a Labour Brexit that puts jobs first a Brexit for the many, one that guarantees unimpeded access to the single market and establishes a new co-operative relationship with the EU.

A Brexit that uses powers returned from Brussels to support a new industrial strategy to upgrade our economy in every region and nation. One that puts our economy first not fake immigration targets that fan the flames of fear. We will never follow the Tories into the gutter of blaming migrants for the ills of society. It isn’t migrants who drive down wages and conditions but the worst bosses in collusion with a Conservative government that never misses a chance to attack trade unions and weaken people’s rights at work.

Labour will take action to stop employers driving down pay and conditions not pander to scapegoating or racism. How Britain leaves the European Union is too important to be left to the Conservatives and their internal battles and identity crises.

Labour will hold Theresa May’s squabbling ministers to account every step of the way in these talks. And, with our Brexit team of Keir Starmer, Emily Thornberry and Barry Gardiner we stand ready to take over whenever this government fails. to negotiate a new relationship with Europe that works for us all reaching outto help create a Europe for the many for the future.

The truth is …. That under the Tories Britain’s future is at risk whatever the outcome of the Brexit process. Our economy no longer delivers secure housing secure well-paid jobs or rising living standards. There is a new common sense emerging about how the country should be run. That’s what we fought for in the election and that’s what’s needed to replace the broken model forged by Margaret Thatcher many years ago.

And Ten years after the global financial crash the Tories still believe in the same dogmatic mantra – Deregulate, privatise ,cut taxes for the wealthy, weaken rights at work, delivering profits for a few, and debt for the many. Nothing has changed. It’s as if we’re stuck in a political and economic time-warp.

As the Financial Times put it last month our “financial system still looks a lot like the pre-crisis one” and the capitalist system still faces a “crisis of legitimacy”, stemming from the crash.

Now is the time that government took a more active role in restructuring our economy. Now is the time that corporate boardrooms were held accountable for their actions, And now is the time that we developed a new model of economic management to replace the failed dogmas of neo-liberalism … That is why Labour is looking not just to repair the damage done by austerity but to transform our economy with a new and dynamic role for the public sector particularly where the private sector has evidently failed.

Take the water industry. Of the nine water companies in England six are now owned by private equity or foreign sovereign wealth funds. Their profits are handed out in dividends to shareholders while the infrastructure crumbles the companies pay little or nothing in tax and executive pay has soared as the service deteriorates.

That is why we are committed to take back our utilities into public ownership to put them at the service of our people and our economy and stop the public being ripped off.

Of course there is much more that needs to be done. Our National Investment Bank… and the Transformation Fund will be harnessed to mobilise public investment to create wealth and good jobs. When I’ve met business groups I’ve been frank we will invest in the education and skills of the workforce and we will invest in better infrastructure from energy to digital but we are going to ask big business to pay a bit more tax.

The Tory approach to the economy isn’t entrepreneurial It’s extractive. They’re not focused on long-term investment and wealth creation. When you look at what they do rather than what they say it’s all about driving down wages, services and standards … to make as much money as quickly as possible with government not as the servant of the people but of global corporations. And their disregard for rampant inequality the hollowing out of our public services, the disdain for the powerless and the poorhave made our society more brutal and less caring.

Now that degraded regime has a tragic monument the chilling wreckage of Grenfell Tower. A horrifying fire in which dozens perished an entirely avoidable human disaster. One which is an indictment not just of decades of failed housing policies and privatisation and the yawning inequality in one of the wealthiest boroughs and cities in the world, it is also a damning indictment of a whole outlook which values council tax refunds for the wealthy above decent provision for all and which has contempt for working class communities.

Before the fire, a tenants’ group of Grenfell residents had warned … and I quote words that should haunt all politicians “the Grenfell Action Group firmly believesthat only a catastrophic event will expose the ineptitude and incompetence of our landlord”. Grenfell is not just the result of bad political decisions It stands for a failed and broken system which Labour must and will replace.

The poet Ben Okri recently wrote in his poem “Grenfell Tower”:

Those who were living now are dead

Those who were breathing are from the living earth fled

If you want to see how the poor die, come see Grenfell Tower.

See the tower, and let a world changing dream flower.

We have a duty as a country to learn the lessons from this calamity and ensure that a changed world flowers . I hope that the public inquiry will assist. But a decent home is a right for everyone whatever their income or background. And houses should be homes for the many not speculative investments for a few. Look at the Conservative housing record and you understand why Grenfell residents are sceptical about their Conservative council and this Conservative government.

Since 2010: homelessness has doubled, 120,000 children don’t have a home to call their own, home ownership has fallen, thousands are living in homes unfit for human habitation. This is why alongside our Shadow Housing minister John Healey we’re launching a review of social housing policy - its building, planning, regulation and management.

We will listen to tenants across the country and propose a radical programme of action to next year’s conference. But some things are already clear tenants are not being listened to.

We will insist that every home is fit for human habitation, a proposal this Tory government voted down. And we will control rents - when the younger generation’s housing costs are three times more than those of their grandparents, that is not sustainable.

Rent controls exist in many cities across the world and I want our cities to have those powers too and tenants to have those protections. We also need to tax undeveloped land held by developers and have the power to compulsorily purchase. As Ed Miliband said, "Use it or lose it". Families need homes.

After Grenfell we must think again about what are called regeneration schemes.

Regeneration is a much abused word.

Too often what it really means is forced gentrification and social cleansing, as private developers move in and tenants and leaseholders are moved out. We are very clear: we will stop the cuts to social security.

But we need to go further, as conference decided yesterday.

So when councils come forward with proposals for regeneration, we will put down two markers based on one simple principle:

Regeneration under a Labour government will be for the benefit of the local people, not private developers, not property speculators. First, people who live on an estate that’s redeveloped must get a home on the same site and the same terms as before.

No social cleansing, no jacking up rents, no exorbitant ground rents. And second councils will have to win a ballot of existing tenants and leaseholders before any redevelopment scheme can take place.

Real regeneration, yes, but for the many not the few.

That’s not all that has to change.

All parties unite in paying tribute to our public sector workers:

The firefighters who ran into Grenfell Tower to save lives; the health service workers caring for the maimed in the Manchester terrorist outrage; the brave police officers who confronted the attackers at London Bridge; and PC Keith Palmer who gave his life when terrorists attack our democracy.

Our public servants make the difference every day, between a decent and a threadbare society.

Everyone praises them. But it is Labour that values them and is prepared to give them the pay rise they deserve and protect the services they provide.

Year after year the Tories have cut budgets and squeezed public sector pay, while cutting taxes for the highest earners and the big corporations.

You can’t care for the nation’s health when doctors and nurses are being asked to accept falling living standards year after year.

You can’t educate our children properly in ever larger class sizes with more teachers than ever leaving the profession.

You can’t protect the public on the cheap.

The police and security services must get the resources they need, not 20,000 police cuts.

Scrapping the public sector pay squeeze isn’t an act of charity - it is a necessity to keep our public services fully staffed and strong.

Not everything worthwhile costs money though.

Like many people, I have been moved by the Daily Mirror's campaign to change the organ donation law.

There are more than 5,000 people on organ transplant waiting lists, but a shortage of donors means that in recent years only 3,500 of them get the life-saving treatments they need.

So that everybody whose life could be saved by an organ transplant can have the gift of life - from one human being to another.

The law has already been changed in Wales under Carwyn Jones’s leadership, and today I make the commitment a Labour government will do the same for England.

In the last couple of days John McDonnell and Rebecca Long-Bailey have set out how we are going to develop the economic plans in our manifesto to ensure that sustainable growth and good jobs reach ALL parts of the country.

So that no community or region is held back.

To establish regional development banks,. to invest in an industrial strategy for every region.

But the challenges of the future go beyond the need to turn our backs on an economic model that has failed to invest and upgrade our economy.

We need urgently to face the challenge of automation - robotics that could make so much of contemporary work redundant.

That is a threat in the hands of the greedy, but it’s a huge opportunity if it’s managed in the interests of society as a whole.

We won’t reap the full rewards of these great technological advances if they’re monopolised to pile up profits for a few.

But if they’re publicly managed - to share the benefits - they can be the gateway for a new settlement between work and leisure. A springboard for expanded creativity and culture.

The tide of automation and technological change means re-training and management of the workforce must be centre-stage in the coming years.

So Labour will build an education and training system from the cradle to the grave that empowers people.

Not one that shackles them with debt.

That’s why we will establish a National Education Service which will include at its core free tuition for all college courses, technical and vocational training so that no one is held back by costs and everyone has the chance to learn.

That will give millions a fair chance.

Lifelong learning for all is essential in the economy of the future.

The huge shift of employment that will take place under the impact of automation must be planned and managed.

It demands the reskilling of millions of people. Only Labour will deliver that.

As Angela Rayner said yesterday, our National Education Service will be run on clear principles: universal, free and empowering.

This is central to our socialism for the 21st century, for the many not the few.

During the election I visited Derwentside College in the constituency of our new MP Laura Pidcock - one of dozens of great new MPs breathing life and energy into Parliament.

They offer adult courses in everything from IT to beauty therapy, from engineering to childcare.

I met apprentice construction workers. They stand to benefit from Labour’s £250 billion National Transformation Fund, building the homes people need and the new transport, energy and digital infrastructure our country needs.

But changing our economy to make it work for the whole country can’t take place in isolation from changing how our country is run.

For people to take control of their own lives, our democracy needs to break out of Westminster into all parts of our society and economy where power is unaccountable.

All around the world democracy is facing twin threats:

One is the emergence of an authoritarian nationalism that is intolerant and belligerent.

The second is apparently more benign, but equally insidious.

It is that the big decisions should be left to the elite.

That political choices can only be marginal and that people are consumers first, and only citizens a distant second.

Democracy has to mean much more than that.

It must mean listening to people outside of election time. Not just the rich and powerful who are used to calling the shots, but to those at the sharp end who really know what’s going on.

Like the Greater Manchester police officer who warned Theresa May two years ago that cuts to neighbourhood policing were risking people’s lives and security.

His concerns were dismissed as “crying wolf”.

Like the care workers sacked when they blow the whistle on abuse of the elderly..

Or the teachers intimidated when they speak out about the lack of funding for our children’s schools.

Or the doctors who are ignored when they warn that the NHS crumbling before our eyes, or blow the whistle on patient safety.

Labour is fighting for a society not only where rewards are more fairly spread, but where people are listened to more as well by government, their local council, their employer.

Some of the most shocking cases of people not being listened to must surely be the recent revelations of widespread child sex abuse.

Young people - and most often young working class women - have been subjected to the most repugnant abuse.

The response lies in making sure that everybody’s voice must be heard no matter who they are or what their background.

The kind of democracy that we should be aiming for is one where people have a continuing say in how society is run, how their workplace is run, how their local schools or hospitals are run.

That means increasing the public accountability and democratization of local services that Andrew Gwynne was talking about on Monday.

It means democratically accountable public ownership for the natural monopolies, with new participatory forms of management, as Rebecca Long-Bailey has been setting out.

It means employees given their voice at work, with unions able to represent them properly, freed of undemocratic fetters on their right to organize.

I promised you two years ago that we would do politics differently.

It’s not always been easy.

There’s quite a few who prefer politics the old way.

But let me say it again. We will do politics differently.

And the vital word there is “we”.

Not just leaders saying things are different, but everyone having the chance to shape our democracy.

Our rights as citizens are as important as our rights as consumers.

Power devolved to the community, not monopolised in Westminster and Whitehall.

Now let’s take it a stage further - make public services accountable to communities.

Business accountable to the public, and politicians truly accountable to those we serve.

Let the next Labour government will transform Britain by genuinely putting power in the hands of the people, the creative, compassionate and committed people of our country.

Both at home and abroad, what underpins our politics is our compassion and our solidarity with people.

Including those now recovering from hurricane damage in the Caribbean, floods in South Asia and Texas. and earthquakes in Mexico.

Our interdependence as a planet could not be more obvious.

The environmental crisis in particular demands a common global response.

That is why President Trump’s threats to withdraw from the Paris Climate Change Treaty are so alarming.

There is no contradiction between meeting our climate change commitments and investing to build a strong economy based on high skill industries.

In fact the opposite is the case.

Action on climate change is a powerful spur to investment in the green industries and jobs of the future. So long as it is managed as part of a sustainable transition.

We know, tragically, that terrorism also recognises no boundaries.

We have had five shocking examples in Britain this year alone.

Two during the course of the General Election campaign and one in my own constituency.

Both Andy Burnham and Sadiq Khan - the mayors of Manchester and London - played a crucial role in bringing people together in the aftermath of those brutal attacks.

The targeting of our democracy, of teenage girls at a pop concert, of people enjoying a night out, worshippers outside a mosque, commuters going to work - all of these are horrific crimes.

And we all unite in both condemning the perpetrators and in our support for the emergency and security services, working to keep us safe.

But we also know that terrorism is thriving in a world our governments have helped to shape, with its failed states, military interventions and occupations where millions are forced to flee conflict or hunger.

We have to do better and swap the knee-jerk response of another bombing campaign for long-term help to solve conflicts rather than fuel them.

And we must put our values at the heart of our foreign policy.

Democracy and human rights are not an optional extra to be deployed selectively.

So we cannot be silent at the cruel Saudi war in Yemen, while continuing to supply arms to Saudi Arabia, or the crushing of democracy in Egypt or Bahrain, or the tragic loss of life in Congo.

And I say this today to Aung San Suu Kyi - a champion of democracy and human rights - : end the violence now against the Rohingya in Myanmar and allow the UN and international aid agencies in to Rakhine state.

The Rohingya have suffered for too long!

We should stand firm for peaceful solutions to international crises.

Let’s tone down the rhetoric, and back dialogue and negotiations to wind down the deeply dangerous confrontation over the Korean Peninsula.

And I appeal to the UN secretary general, Antonio Guterres to use the authority of his office and go to Washington and Pyongyang to kick start that essential process of dialogue.

And let’s give real support to end the oppression of the Palestinian people, the 50-year occupation and illegal settlement expansion and move to a genuine two-state solution of the Israel-Palestine conflict.

Britain’s voice needs to be heard independently in the world.

We must be a candid friend to the United States, now more than ever.

The values we share are not served by building walls, banning immigrants on the basis of religion, polluting the planet, or pandering to racism.

And let me say frankly - the speech made by the US President to the United Nations last week was deeply disturbing.

It threatened war and talked of tearing up international agreements.

Devoid of concern for human rights or universal values, it was not the speech of a world leader.

Our government has a responsibility. It cannot meekly go along with this dangerous course.

If the special relationship means anything, it must mean that we can say to Washington: that way is the wrong way.

That’s clearly what’s needed in the case of Bombardier where thousands of jobs are now at stake.

A Prime Minister betting our economic future on a deregulated trade deal with the US might want to explain how 220% tariffs are going to boost our exports.

So let Britain’s voice be heard loud and clear for peace, justice and cooperation.

Conference, it is often said that elections can only be won from the centre ground.

And in a way that’s not wrong - so long as it’s clear that the political centre of gravity isn’t fixed or unmovable, nor is it where the establishment pundits like to think it is.

It shifts as people’s expectations and experiences change and political space is opened up.

Today’s centre ground is certainly not where it was twenty or thirty years ago.

A new consensus is emerging from the great economic crash and the years of austerity, when people started to find political voice for their hopes for something different and better.

2017 may be the year when politics finally caught up with the crash of 2008 - because we offered people a clear choice.

We need to build a still broader consensus around the priorities we set in the election, making the case for both compassion and collective aspiration.

This is the real centre of gravity of British politics.

We are now the political mainstream.

Our manifesto and our policies are popular because that is what most people in our country actually want, not what they’re told they should want.

And that is why Labour is on the way back in Scotland becoming once again the champion of social justice.

Thank you Kezia. And whoever next leads Scottish Labour - our unifying socialist message will continue to inspire both south and north of the border.

That is why our party now has around twice the membership of all the other parties put together.

Conference, we have left the status quo behind, but we must make the change we seek credible and effective.

We have left our own divisions behind. But we must make our unity practical. We know we are campaign-ready.

We must be government-ready too. Our aspirations matched by our competence.

During the election campaign I met and listened to people in every part of the country.

Struggling single parents, young people held back by lack of opportunity.

Pensioners anxious about health and social care, public servants trying to keep services together.

Low and middle earners, self-employed and employed, facing insecurity and squeezed living standards.

But hopeful that things could change, and that Labour could make a difference.

Many hadn’t voted before, or not for years past.

But they put their faith in our party.

We offered an antidote to apathy and despair.

Let everyone understand - We will not let you down.

Because we listen to you, because we believe in you.

Labour can and will deliver a Britain for the many not just the few.

Thank you.

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ravishankarsivasubramaniam · 5 years

Text

Can We Ever Make It Suntory Time Again?

Aaron Gilbreath | Longreads | October 2019 | 23 minutes (5,939 words)

Bic Camera looked like many of the other loud, brightly colored electronics stores I’d seen in Japan, just bigger. Mostly, it was a respite from the cold. The appliances and electronics that jammed its interior gave no indication of its dizzyingly good liquor selection, nor did the many inexpensive aged Japanese whiskies hint that affordable bottles were about to become a thing of the past, or that I’d nurture a profound remorse once they did. When I found Bic Camera’s wholly unexpected liquor department, I lifted two bottles of high-end Japanese whisky from the shelf, wandered the aisles studying the labels, had a baffling interaction with a clerk, and put the bottles back on the shelf. All I had to do was pay for them. I didn’t.

Commercial Japanese whisky has been around since at least 1929, so during my first trip to Japan (and at home in the U.S.), there was no reason to think that all the aged Japanese whiskies that were readily available in the early 2000s would soon achieve holy grail status. In 2007, there were $100 bottles of Yamazaki 18-year sitting forlornly on a shelf at my local BevMo. One bottle now sells for more than $400 at online auctions; some online stores sell them for $700.

Yoichi 10, Yoichi 12, Hibiki 17 and 21, Taketsuru 12 and 17 — in 2014, rare and discontinued bottles lined store shelves, reasonably priced compared to their current $300 to $600 price tags. Those were great years. I call them BTB — before the boom. Before the boom, a bottle of Yamazaki 12 cost $60. After the boom, a Seattle liquor store priced their last bottle of Yamazaki 12 at $225. Before the boom, Taketsuru 12 cost $20 in Japan and $70 in the States. After the boom, online auctions sell bottles for more than $220.

Before the boom, Karuizawa casks sat, dusty and abandoned, in shuttered distilleries. After the boom, a bottle of Karuizawa 1964 sold for $118,420, the most expensive Japanese whisky ever sold at auction, until a Yamazaki 50 sold for $129,186 the following year, then another went for $343,000 15 months later.

Before the boom, whisky tasted of rich red fruits and cereal grains. After the boom, it tasted of regret.

I’ve spent the past five years wishing I could do things over. I remember my trips to Japan fondly — the new friends, the food and record stores, the Kyoto temples and solitary hikes — except for the whisky, whose absence coats my mouth with the proverbial bitter taste. I replay the time I walked into a grocery store in Tokyo’s Ikebukuro neighborhood and found a shelf lined with Taketsuru 12, four bottles wide and four deep, at $20 apiece; it starts at $170 now. I look at the photos I took of Hibiki 12 for $34, Yoichi 12 for $69, Taketsuru 21 for $89. I tell friends how I’d visited the Isetan Department Store’s liquor department in Shinjuku, where they had a 12-year-old sherried Karuizawa bottled exclusively for Isetan for barely more than $100, alongside a blend of Hanyu and Kawaski grain whisky that famed distiller Ichiro Akuto did exclusively for the store. Staff wouldn’t let me photograph or touch anything, but I could have afforded both bottles. They now sell for $1,140 and $1,290, respectively. I torture myself by revisiting my unfortunate logic, how I squandered my limited funds: buying inexpensive bottles to drink during the trip, instead of a few big-ticket purchases to take home.

Aaron, I’ve thought more times that I could count, you are such a fucking idiot.

To time travel, I look at photos of old Japanese whisky bottles in Facebook groups, like they are some sort of beverage porn, and wonder: Who am I? What have I become? There’s enough incredible scotch available here at home. Why do I — and the others whose interest spiked prices and made the bottles we loved inaccessible — care so much about Japanese whisky?

* * *

After the notorious Commodore Perry landed on Japanese shores in 1853 to open the closed country to trade, he gifted the emperor a barrel and 70 gallons of American whiskey, a spirit not well-known in Japan. As whiskey tends to do, it softened the nations’ encounter; one tipsy samurai felt so good he even hugged Perry. At the time, domestic spirit production was limited to shōchū and an Okinawan drink called awamori, made from sweet potatoes and rice respectively. Japanese companies tried to recreate the brown spirits that American and European companies had started importing, but without a recipe, the imitations were rough. The earliest Japanese attempts were either cheaply made locally or imported from Europe and labeled Japanese. When two boatloads of American soldiers stopped in the port of Hakodate in 1918, en route to fight Bolsheviks in Siberia, they found bars filled with knock-off scotch, including one called Queen George. As Major Samuel L. Johnson wrote in a letter, “If you come across any, don’t touch it. … It must be 86 percent corrosive sublimate proof, because 3,500 enlisted men were stinko fifteen minutes after they got ashore.”

It was in this miasma of bad imitations that Suntory’s founder Shinjiro Torii recognized an opportunity. Winemaker Torii had been importing whiskies and bottling them as early as 1911. He called his brand Torys. As whisky found a toehold in Japan, he realized that slinging rotgut like the other frontier opportunists wasn’t the way to create a market; he needed to learn to distill an authentic, higher-quality whisky. The way Suntory’s marketing materials later presented it, Torii wanted to create a refined whisky that also reflected Japanese natural resources and Japanese tastes, which he perceived as more attuned to delicacy and nuance than the Scottish palate and that paired with Japanese cuisine rather than overpowering it — anything that tasted of corrosive sublimate would overwhelm your food. In 1923, he used his wine profits to build a distillery near Kyoto.

Elsewhere, in Osaka, Masataka Taketsuru, the son of a sake-maker, had been working for shōchū-maker Settsu Shuzo. The company, like Torii, wanted to make whisky, so in 1918 its president sent Taketsuru to study whisky-making in Scotland. Taketsuru was a 24-year-old chemist and took detailed notes when the Scottish distillers finally showed him their facilities and techniques. After two years learning the art of cask maturation, pot stills, and peat-smoking, Taketsuru returned to Japan to find that his employer’s enthusiasm for making real whisky had waned. So Taketsuru took his Scottish knowledge and enthusiasm to Torii, and the two men pooled their skills to build what became the Yamazaki Distillery, the country’s first commercial whisky producer. Sticking with Scottish tradition, they spelled it without the ‘e.’

It must be 86 percent corrosive sublimate proof, because 3,500 enlisted men were stinko fifteen minutes after they got ashore.

Suntory gets all the credit for distilling Japan’s first Scottish-style whisky, but Eigashima Shuzō, the company that now runs the White Oak Distillery, actually got the first license to produce whisky in Japan in 1919, five years before Yamazaki. Founder Kiichiro Iwai, who later founded the Mars Shinshu distillery and designed its equipment, had been Taketsuru’s mentor at Shuzo and is often called “the silent pioneer of Japanese whisky.” But Yamazaki started producing whisky sooner, so the rest, as they say, is history.

Suntory’s Yamazaki distillery launched Japan’s first true commercial whisky in 1929. Ninety years later, around a dozen companies distill whisky in Japan, depending on how you count them: Suntory and Nikka. Chichibu in Saitama Prefecture, White Oak in coastal Akashi. Kirin at the base of Mt. Fuji, Mars Shinshū in the village of Miyada in the Japanese Alps. Upstarts like Akkeshi in Hokkaido and the Shizuoka Distillery near Shizuoka. All produce stellar whisky.

Whisky experienced a huge boom in postwar Japan, coming to represent success, the West, masculinity, worldliness, and Japan’s increasing importance on the world stage. “If you were to choose a drink to symbolize the rapid economic growth in the four decades after the war,” Chris Bunting writes in Drinking Japan, “it would have to be whisky.” In journalist Lawrence Osborne’s words, whisky was “the salaryman’s drink, a symbol of Westernized manliness and sophistication.” Initially, distillers flooded the domestic marketplace with mediocre blended drams and single malts that appealed to hard-working businessmen. Then Suntory relaunched Torys to reach the working-class masses; the stuff was cheap and tasted it, with a cartoon businessman mascot that the target demographic could identify with. Nikka also began producing different lines to offer Japanese drinkers an affordable Western luxury product. During the 1960s, ’70s, and ’80s, there was Hi Nikka, Nikka Gold & Gold, Suntory Old Whisky, and Suntory Royal. Many of these these brands used the same affectations as Scottish and English products: crests, gold fonts, aged labels, faceted glass decanters with boldly shaped stoppers, the British spelling of flavour. The approach worked. Whisky went from a drink of the well-to-do businessman to a drink of the average citizen, and it became common for working-class Japanese men to keep bottles at home. Production boomed.

In the mid-1980s, consumer drinking habits shifted toward shōchū, whisky lost its allure, and some distillers from the postwar boom years closed. But Keizo Saji, the second son of Suntory founder Shinjiro Torii, saw an opportunity: premium whisky. In 1984, the year domestic whisky consumption dropped 15.6 percent, Saji launched Yamazaki 12, Japan’s first high-end mass-market single malt, transforming a downturn into a chance for the company to outdo itself with top-notch quaffs that would raise whisky’s domestic reputation and compete with scotches in the global marketplace. Nikka followed suit with their own single malt. Historians usually date the true start of Japanese whisky’s global ascendency to 2001, when 62 industry professionals did a blind taste test for British Whisky Magazine and named Nikka’s Yoichi 10 Single Cask the year’s best. “The whiskeys of Japan proved to be a real eye-opener for the majority of tasters,” the magazine wrote. As the Japan Times reported the following year, “Sales of Nikka’s award-winning 10-year-old single-cask whiskey, which has only been sold online at Nikka’s Web site, surged from about 20 bottles a month in 2000 to 1,200 in November after several Japanese newspapers carried an article about the taste-test events.”

For a long time, the majority of Japanese whisky was made following Scottish distilling methods: Japanese single malts were made from 100 percent malted barley (mostly imported from the U.K.) with local mountain and spring water, distilled in pot stills, and matured at least three years in oak. Japanese single malts moved to casks made from American or European oaks and that once held bourbon to age further and take on color and flavor, usually for 10 to 18 years. Like scotch, these single malts were rich, wooded, and highly aromatic. But Japanese innovation also created an astonishing diversity of flavors that tradition would never have allowed. Distillers age their whisky age in casks that once held sherry, bourbon, brandy, ume, and port, and, on a more limited basis, expensive casks made from Japan’s native mizunara oak. Every culture has masters and apprentices, but the Japanese have a particular respect for craftsmanship, and many people, from coffee roasters to cedarwood lunch box makers, dedicate their lives to a single specialty. Whisky writer Brian Ashcraft told Nippon that there’s a word for this: “In the Meiji period [1868–1912] there was a slogan, wakon-yōsai, or Japanese spirit and Western knowhow. So even if a product made in Japan is superficially the same as one made overseas, it’s going to be something Japanese because of differences in culture, language, food, climate. … This applies to anything from blue jeans to cameras, cars and trains. There are elements of the culture manifesting in the finished product.” Sakuma Tadashi, Nikka’s chief blender, told Ashcraft that by liberating themselves from tradition and embracing innovation and experimentation, the company can continue to improve its whisky. “At Nikka,” Tadashi said, “it’s ingrained into everyone that we need to make whisky that is better than scotch. That’s why if we change things, then we can make even more delicious whisky.”

* * *

Like whisky aging in barrels, Japanese whisky producers’ international reputation took years to develop, but gradually medals started weighing down their lapels. In 2001, the International Wine and Spirits Competition awarded Karuizawa Pure Malt 12 a gold medal. In 2003, the International Spirits Challenge gave Yamazaki 12 a gold award. Hibiki 30 won the International Spirits Challenge’s top prize in 2004, Yamazaki 18 won San Francisco World Spirits Competition’s Double Gold Medal in 2005, and Nikka’s Yoichi 20 was named World’s Best Single Malt Whisky in 2008. The World Whiskies Awards named Yamazaki 25 “World’s Best Single Malt” in 2012. Hibiki 21 was named the world’s best blended whisky in 2013. And on and on.

I’ve harbored an interest in Japanese culture and history since fifth grade. When I discovered the anime Robotech — one of the first Japanese animated shows adapted for mainstream American television — I sat for hours in my room, copying images of robots, missiles, and sparkly-eyed warrior women into my sketchbooks. As I moved away from anime and manga, I read more broadly about Japan and fell in love with Japanese literature, food, smart technology, and the Toyotas that never died, like the truck that took me from Arizona to British Columbia and back two times. Naturally, Bill Murray’s now-famous line in Lost in Translation “For relaxing times, make it Suntory time” made me want to taste what he was talking about. So I ordered a glass of 12-year Yamazaki at a bar.

Lively and bright with a medium body, the Yamazaki had layers of orange peel, honey, cinnamon, and brown sugar, along with a surprisingly earthy incense aroma, almost like cedar, which I later learned came from casks made from Japan’s mizunara oak — Mizunara imparts what distillers call “temple flavor.” I kept my nose in the glass, sniffing and smiling and sniffing, no matter what the other patrons thought of me. When Bill Murray raised his glass of Hibiki 17, Suntory’s Hibiki and Yamazaki lines were not widely distributed in the U.S. or Europe, and Western drinkers who knew them often considered them a novelty, or worse, a careful impersonation of the “real” Scottish malts. What I tasted could not be dismissed as a novelty. I knew that the people at Suntory who made this whisky had treated it as a work of art.

I loved it so much that I wondered what else was out there. There was little information in English: a single English-language book, Ulf Buxrud’s hard-to-find Japanese Whisky: Facts, Figures and Taste, which cost too much to order. Instead, I found a community of blogging gaijin who took Japanese spirits as seriously as the distillers did, sharing information, reviews, and whatever information they could find. Some of them lived in Japan. Others visited frequently and had Japanese connections who could translate details and source bottles. Clint A. of Whiskies R Us, Chris Bunting and Stefan Van Eycken at Nonjatta, Michio Hayashi at Japan Whisky Reviews. And Brian Love, aka Dramtastic, who ran the Japanese Whisky Review. They blogged about the domestic drams that you could only buy in Japan. They blogged about obscure drams from the decommissioned Kawasaki grain distillery; about something called owners casks and other limited bottlings made for Japanese department stores; and about what remained from the mothballed Karuizawa distillery, now one of the most fetishized whiskies in the world. They were my education.

At home, I searched for whiskies online and in bars and liquor stores and soon discovered my favorites: I preferred the smoky, rich coal-fired Yoichi to the woody, spicy Yamazaki. I liked the fruity depth of Hibiki a lot, but had an irrational prejudice against blended whisky, so I didn’t buy any bottles of Hibiki when they cost a mere $70. And I preferred the crisp, herbaceous forest flavors of 12-year-old Hakushu to them all; I still do. Even after I became moderately educated and increasingly opinionated, I kept buying $30 bottles of my beloved Elijah Craig 12-year instead of Yoichi or Hibiki. That’s the thing: The bloggers couldn’t teach me that the years when I discovered Japanese whisky turned out to be their best years, and that I needed to take advantage of my timing. They didn’t know. Nobody outside the whisky companies did, and nothing about their posts suggested that this world of abundant, affordable Japanese whiskies would come to an end around 2014.

The fan groups and bloggers praised Yamazaki and Karuizawa malts, driving worldwide interest and prices. By the time the influential Jim Murray’s Whisky Bible named the Yamazaki Single Malt Sherry Cask “World Whisky of the Year” in 2015 and San Francisco World Spirits Competition named Yamazaki 18 their 2015 Best in Class under the category “Other Whiskey,” U.S. and U.K. stores couldn’t keep Japanese whisky in stock. The student had overtaken the master. The $100 bottles of Yamazaki 18 no longer appeared on suburban BevMo shelves, and Hibiki 12 no longer cost $70. Everyone was asking stores for sherry cask, sherry cask, do you have the sherry cask? No, they did not. If you wanted a taste of Miyagikyo 12 in America, it would run you $30 to $50 a glass. The year 2015 was the first time Jim Murray named a Japanese malt the world’s best and the first time in the Whisky Bible’s 12-year history that no Scottish malt made the top five. Every drinker and their grandpa knew Johnnie Walker and Cutty Sark. Now they knew Suntory, too.

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In Japan, television fanned the flames further; a 2014 TV drama called Massan, based on the life of Nikka founder Masataka Taketsuru and his industrious Scottish wife Rita Cowan, helped the Japanese take renewed notice of their own products. Simultaneously, Suntory ran an aggressive ad domestic campaign to encourage younger Japanese to drink cheap highballs — whisky mixed with soda — fueling sales and depleting stock even more.

The buzz caught Suntory and Nikka off guard. After decades of patiently turning out top-notch single malts for a relatively indifferent domestic market, Nikka announced that their aged stock had run low, not just at retailers but inside their facilities. Unable to meet worldwide demand, they did what drinkers found unthinkable: They overhauled their lineup in 2015, replacing beloved aged whiskies with less expensive bottles of “no age statement” or “NAS” whiskies that blended young and old stock. Instead of Miyagikyo aged in barrels for 12 years, Nikka gave us plain Miyagikyo. Instead of Yoichi 10, 12, 15, and 20, there was straight-up Yoichi. Suntory had already added NAS versions of its age-statement Hibiki and Hakushu to conserve shrinking old stock and then went even further, banning company executives from drinking the older single malts to save product for customers. Yamazaki 12 still landed on American shelves, but in smaller quantities that sold out quickly, and Japanese buyers saw them less frequently back home.

Longtime fans greeted Suntory’s answer to the masses, called Toki, with skepticism and hostility. (In the words of one non-word-mincing Reddit poster: “Toki sucks. It’s fucking terrible.”) Time in wood gives whisky complexity. That’s how whisky works, but distillers didn’t have enough old whisky anymore, and they seemed to be rationing what remained in order to blend their core lines while they continued aging what they hoped to bottle again. They were victims of their own success, and they needed time to catch up. Nikka’s official press release put it this way: “With the current depletion, Yoichi and Miyagikyo malt whiskies, which are the base of most of our products, will be exhausted in the future and we will be unable to continue the business.”

On the open market, the news created a frenzy that fueled the resale business. Japanese citizens who previously bought few Nikka malts scavenged whatever bottles they could. Chinese investors flew to Japan to gather stock to mark up. Stores in Tokyo inflated prices to gouge tourists, selling $873 bottles of Hakushu 18 that retailed for $300 in Oregon. Secondhand liquor stores collected and resold unopened bottles, many of which came from the elderly or deceased, who had received them as omiyage gifts but didn’t drink whisky. Auction sites flourished. “We call this the ‘terminal aunt’ syndrome,” Van Eycken wrote, “you know, the aunt you never visit until she’s terminally ill.”

The boom times were over.

After the boom, foreign whisky fans took to the web to post about Japan’s shifting stock. Obsessive types like me — what the Japanese call ‘otaku — shared updates about which bottles they found where and which stores were picked clean. “The Japanese whiskys here are in short supply still, short of the cheap stuff,” said one visitor in Fukuoka. Another foreigner proclaimed “the glory days of $100 ‘zawa’s and easy to find single cask Hanyu’s are over.” Gaijin enthusiasts would search cities in their free time while in Japan on business; others drove out into inaka, the sticks, systematically searching for rare or underpriced bottles at mom-and-pop shops. “On the bright side,” the same commenter reported in 2016, “I went into the boonies and found a small liquor distributor who had 2 Yoichi 10’s and a bunch of dusties (Nikka Super 15, Suntory Royal 15, The Blend of Nikka 17 Maltbase, Once Upon a Time) all pretty cheap, between $18-$35 each. I know some of those dusties are not much more than mixer material, but it’s nice to have a piece of history.” Others found these searches pointless. “Well as a point of fact there is no point for any foreigner to come to Japan in search of Japanese whisky,” Dramtastic wrote in 2015. “You will in many countries almost certainly find a better offering at home and if not, one of the online retailers.” He titled his post “Buying Japanese Whisky In Japan — Nothing But Scorched Earth!”

It was right before the earth got scorched that I obliviously arrived in Japan.

* * *

When I finally got the money to travel overseas, there was only one real choice: Japan. For three weeks, I roamed Tokyo and Kyoto alone, where I shopped for my beloved canned sanma fish and green tea soy milk in grocery stores. I bought jazz CDs and Murakami books in Japanese I couldn’t read. I wrote about capsule hotels and old jazz bars. I photographed my ramen and eel dinners, and I photographed bottles of whisky on store shelves.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want them. I wanted them all: Yoichi 15, Hibiki 21, Miyagikyo 12. But as a traveler, practical considerations prevailed. I didn’t have much money. My luggage already held too much stuff, and anyway, the products would be there next time. I bought a few bottles of common whisky to drink during my trip and went about my business.

I unwittingly found the largest selection of Japanese whisky on my final night in Japan.

I was staying near the busy Ikebukuro train station and went out seeking curry. I wandered around in the cold, shivering and sad about leaving. As I passed ramen shops and busy izakayas, I spotted a cluttered electronics store. Music blared. The interior had a cramped, carnival atmosphere. Blinding white light spilled out the front door. Red lettering on the building’s reflective side said Bic Camera.

I didn’t know it then, but the Bic Camera chain had nearly 40 stores nationwide. The stores often stand seven or eight stories in busy areas near train stations where pedestrians abound. In 2008, the company was valued at $940 million, and its founder, Ryuji Arai, was the 31st richest person in Japan. When Arai opened his original Tokyo camera store in 1978, he sold $3.50 worth of merchandise the first day. Today, Bic Camera is an all-purpose mega-store that sells seemingly everything but cars and fresh produce.

Before the boom, Bic sold highly limited editions of whisky made exclusively for Bic, including an Ichiro 22-year and a Suntory blend. The stock is designed to compete with liquor stores that carry similar selections, though many Japanese shoppers come for the imported scotch and American bourbon. That night I couldn’t tell any of that. I couldn’t even tell if this was an upscale department store or a Japanese version of Walmart. In America, hip stories follow the “less is more” principle, with sparse displays that suggest they’re also selling negative space and apathy. Bic crammed everything in.

I rode the escalator up for no other reason than to see what was there. Cell phones, cameras, TVs — the escalator provided a nice view of each floor. When I spotted booze on 4F, I jumped off. They had an entire corner devoted to liquor and a wall displaying Japanese whisky. They had all the good ones I’d read about online but hadn’t been able to find and others I didn’t know. My luggage already contained so many CDs, clothes, and souvenirs that I’d have to mail some things home, but I grabbed two bottles anyway, I no longer remember which kind. I only remember gripping their cold glass necks like they were the last bottles on earth, desperate to bring just a bit more home, and I held them tightly as I wandered the aisles, studying the unreadable labels of aged whiskies and marveling at the business strategy of this mysterious store as I preemptively mourned my return to the States.

A clerk in a black vest approached me and said something politely that I couldn’t understand. With a smile, the man said something else and bowed, sorry, very sorry. He pointed to his watch. The store was closing, maybe it already had. He stood and stared. I looked at him and nodded. He stood nodding back. In that overwhelming corner, with indecipherable announcements blaring overhead, I considered my options and returned the bottles to the shelf, offering my apologies. Then I rode back down to the frigid street. The dark night felt darker away from Bic’s fluorescence, as did the winter air.

The high-end whiskies in a locked case. Tokyo grocery store 2014. Photo by Aaron Gilbreath

Like a good tourist — and like a dumbass — I photographed everything on that first trip, from tiny cars to bowls of udon to Japanese whisky displays. When I look at the photos of those rare bottles now, I see the last Tasmanian tiger slipping into the woods. The next season, it went extinct, and all I’d done was raise my camera at it. I had unwittingly visited the world’s greatest Japanese whisky city and I had nothing to show for it.

* * *

The trip ended. The regret lived on.

Partly, it was fed by money, or my lack thereof: Because I like having a few different styles of whisky at home, I wanted a range of Japanese styles, but I couldn’t afford $100 bottles of anything, which meant I’d never get to taste many of these whiskies.

Part of it was nostalgia: I wanted to keep the memory of my time in Japan alive, to prolong the trip, by keeping its bottles on display at home.

Mostly, it’s driven by something much more ethereal. When people ask why I like whisky, I tell them it’s the taste and smell. Scotch strikes a chord in me in a way that wine, bourbon, and cocktails do not. I spare them the more confusing truth, which even I struggle to articulate. Part of scotch’s appeal comes from scarcity and craftsmanship. Its spare ingredients include only barley, spring water, wood, and the chemical reactions that occur between them. And time: Aged spirits are old. For half of my 20s and all of my 30s — the time I was busting my ass after college, trying to build a career and learn to write well enough to tell a story like this — 18-year old Yamazaki whisky lay inside a barrel in a warehouse outside Osaka. That liquid and I lived our lives in parallel, steadily maturing, accruing character, until our paths finally crossed at a bar in Oregon.

That liquid and I lived our lives in parallel, steadily maturing, accruing character, until our paths finally crossed at a bar in Oregon.

But it’s more than age. Something magical happens in those barrels, where liquid interacts with wood in the dark, damp warehouses where barrels rest for decades. Aged whisky is a rare example of celebrating life moving at a slow, geological pace that is no longer the norm in our instant world. You can’t speed up this process, and that makes the liquid precious. When you’ve waited 12 years for a whisky to come out the cask, or 20 years — through wars and presidencies, political upheavals and ecological crises — that’s longer than many people have been alive. And in a sense, the whisky itself is alive. That potent life force is preserved in that bottle. The drops are by nature limited, measured in ounces and milliliters, and that limitation puts another value on it. When the cap comes off your 750-milliliter bottle, you count: sip, sip, uh oh, 600 mils left, then 400, then a level low enough that you reserve the bottle for special occasions.

The limited availability of certain whiskies adds another layer of scarcity value; when distilleries close, their whisky becomes irreplaceable. No more of those Hanyus or Karuizawas will ever get made. No more versions of the early 1990s Hibiki, since Suntory changed the formula. For distilleries that still operate, their whisky is irreplaceable, too. The exact combination of wood, temperature, and age will never produce the same flavor twice. Even when made according to a formula, whisky is a distinct expression of time and place. The weather, the blender, the barley, the proximity to the sea, and of course, the barrels — sherry, port, or bourbon? — all impart a particular flavor along with the way blenders mix them. For Yamazaki 18, 80 percent of the liquid gets aged in sherry casks, the remaining 20 percent in American oak and mizunara. That deliberation and precision come from human expertise that takes a lifetime to acquire, and expertise, like the whisky it produces, is singular and therefore valuable.

When you sip whisky, you don’t have to think about of any of this to enjoy it. You don’t even have to name the flavors you taste. You can just silently appreciate it; it doesn’t have to be any more complicated than that.

For me, Japanese whisky became more complicated, because I also wanted it to give me something more than it could: a connection to a trip and a time that had passed.

In Japan, everything looked a certain way. The way stores displayed bottles. The way restaurants displayed food. The way businesses signs hung outside — Matsuya, Shinanoya, CoCo Curry House — and the way all of those images and colors and geometries combined in a raucous clutter of wires and Hiragana and Katakana to create urban Japan’s distinctive look. When I returned home, I kept picturing those streets. They appeared in dreams and projected themselves on shower curtain as I washed in the morning. To stave off my hunger, I frequently ate at local Japanese restaurants, but even the most exacting decorations or grilled yakitori skewers couldn’t fully give me what I wanted. So I fantasized about creating it myself, and then I did: my best replica of an underground Tokyo bar, in the corner of my basement, the bottles lined up just so.

When my wife, Rebekah, and I took our honeymoon to Japan in 2016, I hoped to make up for past errors. Instead, I found the scorched earth. Japanese liquor stores and grocers sold few of the rare bottles they did just two years earlier. The fancy department stores had no Karuizawa or Hanyu. And the aged whiskies I did find had price tags too big to afford. I bought none of them on that trip either. For the cost of a $130 Yoichi 12, I could buy three great bottles of regular hooch at home. After we returned, I kept scheming ways to return to Japan for just a few days. Since I couldn’t, I satisfied myself with my display of empty whisky, sake, and Japanese beer bottles, and I kept scheming ways to get more domestic booze. A friend brought me a bottle of Kakubin while visiting her family in Tokyo. I asked a few friends in Japan to mail me bottles, even though regulations prohibit Japanese citizens from doing that. (They said no.)

There was only one way to get more whisky, and I couldn’t afford the ticket.

Then in January an email about a discount flight to Tokyo landed in my inbox. Flights were crazy cheap. I had to go.

When I proposed this to Rebekah, she said, “Seriously?” She lay in bed, staring at me like I’d asked if she’d hop on a plane to Amsterdam in 10 minutes without packing. “Just hear me out,” I said, and outlined my impractical business plan for recouping expenses by throwing paid, tip-only whisky parties for booze no one could find anywhere else in Portland, where we live. “Think about it as a stock mission,” I said. “I’m buying inventory.” She stared at me unblinking. It’s Japan, I said. It’s right there, next to Oregon after all that water. We were basically neighbors! The quality of the whisky I’d buy would be lower than all the now-collectible bottles I passed up on my first trip, but at least I would do it right.

It’s Japan, I said. It’s right there, next to Oregon after all that water.

I pictured myself flying to Tokyo in spring. The train from Narita Airport to Bic Camera in Kashiwa would wobble along the tracks, its brakes squeaking as it stopped at countless suburban platforms, with their walls of apartments and scent of fried panko. A 6 o’clock, the setting sun would cast the sides of buildings the color of summer peaches, and what little I could see of the sky would glow a blinding radish yellow. My knees would hurt from sitting on that plane for 11 hours, so I’d stand by the train door to stretch them the way I had during my first Tokyo trip, watching the 7-Eleven signs and giant bike racks pass, and posing triumphantly over time and my own pigheadedness. I’d buy as many bottles of domestic Japanese whisky as my one piece of rolling luggage would hold without exceeding the airline’s 50-pound limit. In a life marked by stupid things, this would be one of the stupidest. I’d feel endlessly grateful. The bottles would keep me connected me to Japan, to that trip, date-stamped by its ephemerality, just like the numbers on the bottles of aged whisky: 10, 12, 15, 20 years.

I never bought the plane ticket. There was little there to buy anyway. In 2018, Suntory announced that it would severely limit the availability of Hibiki 17 and Hakushu 12 in most markets. Soon after, Kirin announced it would discontinue its beloved, inexpensive, domestic Fuki-Gotemba 50 blend. Stock had simply run out. I’d bought a few good bottles for low prices before the boom and they stood in our basement bar, where we drank them, not hoarded them for future resale. Drinking is what whisky is for. The bottles stood as reminders that I had done a few things right. And maybe we should think less about what we missed and more about what is yet to come. In 2013 and 2014, Suntory expanded its distilling operations to increase production. It, Nikka, Kirin, and many smaller companies have laid down a lot of whisky, and when all that whisky has sufficiently aged there will be a lot of 10-to-15-year-old whiskies on the market — maybe as early as 2020 or 2021. “I always tell people not to worry about not being able to drink certain older whiskies that are no longer available,” Osaka bar owner Teruhiko Yamamoto told writer Brian Ashcraft. “Scotch whisky has a long tradition, but right now it feels like Japanese whisky is entering a brand new chapter. We’re seeing whisky history right before our eyes.”

Still, sometimes I can’t help myself. I’ll wonder if any Suntory shipments arrived at local stores here in Portland. They rarely do. Suntory doled out their remaining aged whiskies very carefully to try to satisfy their international markets. But when I checked Oregon State’s liquor search website recently, I found that a few stores had bottles of the very rare Yamazaki 18 for $300 apiece. Compared to auction sites, that was a deal. I still couldn’t afford that, but I was curious how many other interested, obsessive types were scrambling to secure bottles. When I called one store, a man answered the phone with, “Troutdale Liquor. We’re all sold out of the Yamazaki.”

“Ha,” I said. “Okay, thanks. I hope the calls end soon.”

He said, “Me too!”

I hung up the phone and got back to work.

* * *

Aaron Gilbreath has written for Harper’s, Kenyon Review, Virginia Quarterly Review, The Dublin Review and Brick. He’s the author of the books This Is: Essays on Jazz and Everything We Don’t Know: Essays. He’s working on books about California’s rural San Joaquin Valley and about Japan.

Editor: Michelle Weber Fact checker: Sam Schuyler Copy editor: Jacob Z. Gross

#Longreads #Food #Ravishankar Sivasubramaniam #Aaron Gilbreath

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musicmapglobal · 7 years

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Insight: Marbella (Alvaro Tobar - Third Culture)

The city of Marbella, nestled halfway down Spain’s Costa del Sol, is famous for being one of Europe’s most popular resort destinations, providing sun, sea, sand and cerveza to a large seasonal flow of wealthy foreign visitors. What it hasn’t generally been famous for is its music scene. Fortunately, Marbella’s Third Culture collective is flipping that impression on its head.

Comprised of producers, performers, promoters, DJs and a range of other creatives, Third Culture’s aim is to nurture a distinct, organic music scene that can make its mark beyond Marbella and compete with the big foreign acts that tour the region. By supporting some of Spain’s most exciting emerging artists, it seems they are starting to succeed. We got in touch with Alvaro Tobar, Third Culture’s ‘cultural agitator’, to find out why the Spanish hip-hop scene is finally fulfilling its potential, and how Marbella’s artists are providing alternative routes for itexpansion…

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In ten words or less, how would you describe where you live?

A melting pot of international cultures with a unique lifestyle.

What got you involved in the local music scene, and what is your role within it?

What got me involved in the ‘scene’ was pretty much wanting to create one, a real one. We’ve had amazing venues & international superstars performing here for years – singers, DJs, rappers, etc – but that only happens in summer with the inflow of tourists. Other than that there’s no actual scene in the foundations. The venues, promoters, audience, they all just follow and copy each other based on what makes money. Nobody really cares about the actual music, its culture or what it’s spawning in the younger generations that soak it all up, in my eyes there’s a lot of raw talent here that keeps getting bypassed.

People just need inspiration, a sense of belonging to something bigger, let them know what they do is appreciated because it’s contagious, it spreads a message, it allows people to drop their fears, judgements, etc and to go for it, whatever it may be. It will push the next person to go out and do what they love, when you have a lot of people doing that, you have a healthy scene, a community and that’s when amazing things begin to happen.

I recently found out that the city of Atlanta (without the metropolitan area) has a smaller population than the city of Málaga which is the closest capital to Marbella. Now think about trap and all the music that has come out of the city of Atlanta in the past years that has shaped the sound of hip-hop and even pop music in the entire world: Outkast, T.I., Gucci Mane, Migos, Young Thug, 21 Savage, the list is endless. That is all because of the scene they had there, it’s been thriving for decades, people push one another to create and support each other, that’s when things flourish.

I started Third Culture as a monthly event that allowed all the creators here to gather in a relaxed atmosphere and experience something new; music (DJs and concerts), art, fashion, etc. A place to praise open-mindedness and creativity, something they couldn’t experience anywhere else locally and that actually made them feel like they were somewhere else, in an underground venue of a big city or metropolis for example. I’ve been told by people at our events that they feel like they’re in Shoreditch in London, or in Soho in NY, etc, anything but Marbella and that’s the biggest compliment.

My role within it is always through Third Culture. There I’m an MC, DJ, promoter, booking agent, designer, I do it all, so I wouldn’t really know what to call it. Recently in an interview with a local TV [station] they called me a ‘cultural agitator’ for the city, and I’m not mad at that, I’m here to shake the shit up until people realise, or at least until the right people do.

What are the dominant music styles in both Marbella and Spain as a whole, are there any exciting new music trends currently emerging?

In Spain the explosion in the modern hip-hop/trap scene has been insane, we’ve had hip-hop here for decades but it has always been marginalised and pushed aside, I think because it was never daring enough, it was just there to fulfil the ‘rap in Spain’ category. It never went mainstream aside from 2 or 3 acts unlike the UK or France that had a full scene with their own distinctive sound, but what’s happened here in the past 3-5 years is crazy. The level of artistry has gone through the roof, not only the acts and their music, but also visuals, merchandise, even marketing strategies, you see some very unique proposals that are already giving American & foreign artists huge competition, a lot of these Spanish acts have better numbers than established acts in the US (sales, YouTube views, followers, etc). This is mostly because Spanish acts are finally tapping majorly into Central and South America which are HUGE markets for them.

Marbella is different because this place is a bubble that is always ruled by international influence before Spanish influence. The ‘scene’ here is always looking at the international charts, but it’s better than ever in my opinion because every single venue now has at least one night a week dedicated to hip-hop, trap & urban beats, most of them with huge live performances. It’s definitely exciting to see how this is all developing considering there are more venues every year which allow for many more opportunities for the scene to grow and keep establishing itself.

Who are the key local acts we should be listening to right now?

Sandro Jeeawock: local producer who has collaborated with big names in Spain like Pimp Flaco, Kinder Malo and Dellafuente. Imagine if Atlanta’s 808 culture got all loved up and had a night of debauchery with the early Neptunes’ sound… His debut album Golden Boy was released early this summer via Ocean Club which he presented in a set at this year’s Sonar Festival. He will be back in BCN on the 26th of August playing in TRILL. Don’t miss it.

GXNZX: Picture a mysterious bearded cavalier majestically riding a Roland SP-404. Now you can listen to him. Lo-fi expert, dope sample choppa, if he gets on some pads, keep an extinguisher close. Shit will burn.

Olarte: A staple in the local scene, he has one of the most ample ’90s hip-hop libraries I’ve come across and you can tell on his production, the man is dipped in jazz (literally he has portraits of jazz greats tattooed all over his body) and his drums will make your neck snap, a deadly combo.

Rjay: In my opinion, the best male vocalist round these ends, London bred, Marbella based, with a great knack for songwriting. From trap to R&B, give him any beat and hell have a solid track in no time.

K:Miss: Powerful female vocalist, lead singer of soul band ‘Soulbelle’, she hasn’t left any genre untouched: house, jazz, rock & roll, and she keeps going. Her upcoming material with a modern hip-hop twist to it will definitely make heads turn.

Space Hammu: The out of town homies, hailing from the east-side of Malaga, this collective of MCs & producers is about to shake the scene in spain: Delaossa, Raggio & Carrion are 3 of the livest spitters I’ve heard come out the south, JMoods could flip a tank with his beats and Kas.Rules keeps it all sounding tight & crisp. Its a rap dream team and we can only help them push further, although they don’t need it.

What’s the live music scene/nightlife like in Marbella?

The majority of it is based in upmarket clubs, VIP bottles, etc, so whatever genre it’s always going to be somewhat commercial, but the appearances get bigger every year. So far the biggest acts we’ve had this year are: Lil Wayne, Tory Lanez, Tyga, Trey Songz, French Montana, Ja Rule, Fat Joe, etc. There’s also a very solid UK sounds scene, grime, garage, DnB, etc: Craig David, Tinie Tempah, J Hus, Giggs, Krept & Konan, Kano, So Solid Crew, DJ Luck & MC Neat, DJ EZ, etc, they’ve all been here this season. Now because of a sudden inflow of French tourism you also see huge names from the French scene stop by like Booba or Maitre Gims.

Other than that you can see full concerts in places like Starlite (Elton John, Ben Harper, etc.), Puente Romano Hotel for most of the oldies (George Benson, Billy Ocean, Chaka Khan, etc) or the brew pub La Catarina, the home of all the Third Culture events for the past two years where we’ve had the biggest names from the Spanish scene, like Bejo, BNMP, Nathy Peluso, Fanso, Jesse Baez & the list goes on.

For anyone visiting, what should they see and what should they eat and drink?

Marbella’s Old Town is beautiful with loads of tapas bars and great restaurants. If you want high end restaurants the square in Puente Romano has pretty much anything you could ask for. If you’re looking for something cheap & cheerful with a good vibe, I would definitely recommend Bao Garden, a relaxed hang-out spot with awesome Asian street food. Seafood here is a must, there’s plenty chiringuitos with espetos de sardinas, boquerones, pil-pil and all that good stuff.

The whole summer lifestyle here is what beomes the biggest sight if you ask me, but if you like the outdoors, the Paseo Maritimo that joins Marbella centre with Puerto Banus is an amazing walk by the beach, especially during sunset. Hike up La Concha mountain whenever it’s not too hot for the best views of the whole coast. El Chorro, Tarifa, El Palmar are also beautiful nature spots that are very close by.

What one song, past or present, sums up Marbella best?

If I had to chose a present track it would probably be Travis Scott’s ‘Butterfly Effect’ because the ambience of the track matches the setting, plus people here love to stunt. A lot of people come here JUST to stunt. You see them on Facebook working their butts off the rest of the year, looking all focused and then they come here to wile out & have fun, ‘for this life they cannot change’.

What are the biggest challenges faced by musicians in Marbella right now?

Without a doubt having work all year round, it becomes very alive in the holiday season, and some opportunities and openings arise, but after there’s simply not enough audience, so it’s down to the artists to move around and try find gigs. Other than that, during the holiday season most big venues have very very limited availability if any at all as they have most of their resident acts, DJs, etc, closed months in advance, there it’s simply a matter of having good connections and a good product.

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crazyblondelife · 7 years

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20 Best Crazy Blonde Looks from Spring & Summer + Fall Trends

Happy Sunday everyone! This post was the one I was going to do yesterday, but I really wanted to share what I learned about Vitamin D so here it is today. I hope you've all bought some Vitamin D and are taking it! I went back in the archives and found my favorite outfits from Spring and Summer. Some of these outfits can be changed slightly and transition perfectly into Fall, but I'm also giving you plenty of shopping options at the end of this very long post. I'm not gonna lie, this post took me forever so I hope you enjoy and inspired!

I love these sassy pants and blouse from Anthropologie. The yellow bag adds a touch of color and yellow (they're calling it mustard) is huge for fall.

Palazzo pants are here to stay for a while and especially for pre-fall in the South, lightweight is the way to go!

Jumpsuits are still going strong for fall as is the color red!

Metallics and stripes together for this summer outfit. I'll be wearing this great Henri Bendel bag and the shoes with denim and more as the weather gets cooler.

Combine preppy stripes with suede and leather.

This Cabi dress has been one of my favorite pieces this summer and will be great until the weather turns cold. You can never go wrong with a cute grey dress and a Chloe bag! If you haven't seen the new Chloe bags, they are amazing...I especially love the Pixie Bag!

Don't put your hot pink away yet! Read this great article to learn more about great ways to combine colors!

I've found so many cute pieces at Target this season! This cute floral top is a favorite and you can't tell in the picture, but I'm wearing it with white Seven for All Mankind shorts. My hat is from Draper James that I got on a trip to Nashville last summer. Florals are still going strong as we head into fall...think dark and moody!

I wore this outfit to the Spring Tanger Style event and the jeans are going to be a staple for me this fall. Denim is more fun than ever right now with so many styles to choose from (see more on denim here).

The Anthropologie pants pictured below will take me straight through the fall. Metallics are going to be huge this fall, in fact, Cosmopolitan Magazine says to "be more like a disco ball". While you may not want to take it that far, you can definitely add some sparkle to your wardrobe.

Statement sleeves are making more of a statement this fall! They just getting bigger and bigger! This outfit combines the huge statement sleeve trend along with denim and metallic! I would change out the bag and wear this identical outfit for fall!

I have loved this army green (or olive green) vest from Cupcakes and Cashmere that I got last year. It adds interest to so many different outfits...it acts as a neutral and I love it with cream. Wear your Autumn Olive this fall!

Statement jewelry is another trend that is continuing into Fall 2017! This is a fun way to incorporate a trend without spending a fortune!

The eyelet trend also continues for pre-fall. Look for pieces in jewel tones, mustard (like the one from Madewell below) and black.

Embroidery has been a major trend and is still going to be around for Fall!

Embroidery from Alice & Olivia, Gucci and Valentino

Fabulous is the only word to describe these Tory Burch Brocade Platforms!

This dress from Anna Cate Collection fit me perfectly! I can't wait to have another trunk show in the fall!

Other trends to look for this fall are fun fur, velvet, fancy shoes and pajama dressing. Hope you all are having a great weekend! I would love to know what you think of this post! Please leave comments in the box below! Whew!!!

#fall fashion #2017 #trends

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celticnoise · 6 years

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One of my favourite movies is Training Day, the only film where Denzel Washington, who usually plays good guys, crosses over to the dark side. The film opens with a young, impressionable, kid named Jake Hoyt, a cop who’s trying to get onto Washington’s team, which is a hard-core door-kicking, special operations unit in the force.

He has one day to impress the man who he wants to be his boss.

From the very first, it’s clear how difficult that’s going to be. Alonso Harris is a tough man to get on the right side of. They meet in a diner, and immediately Harris lays down the terms during a mini-sermon on the value of a newspaper, which Hoyt, in his keenness, won’t let Harris finish.

“Tell me a story,” he demands. “This is a newspaper,” he says, waving it. “It’s 90% bullshit, but it’s entertaining. That’s why I read it. You won’t let me read it so you entertain me, with your bullshit.”

And I love that scene, both for the way it frames both characters and because it might be the best summation of the written press I’ve ever heard … not entirely accurate, but sharp.

Back in the dawn of time, when news magazines still sold well, because there was no internet and no other way for certain people to get their fix, there was a title called The Weekly World News. It was an American mass-market tabloid. They used to sell it in the UK too and I remember some of the more lurid headlines from when I was growing up.

Surgeons Cut My Head Off And Sewed It Back On Horse Born With Human Face Clinton Hires Three Breasted Intern

And so on and so forth. The WWN was, of course, a fake newspaper, telling tall tales.

But as incredible as this will sound, some people actually believed what they read in there. There was one famous case involving a US police department ordering jet packs which actually ended up featured on television (on Fox News, naturally) despite being manifestly absurd.

See, the publishers of the WWN (who also published the National Enquirer) knew the truth of Harris’ remarks long before the release of Training Day. They figured that if the papers could get away with “90% bullshit” that they might as well ditch the 10% of actual news and publish something that contained not one scintilla of fact but was nevertheless highly entertaining.

Which brings me to the Daily Record this morning.

I take it you’ve all seen it, right? The latest attempt to drum up interest – of which there is exactly zero – in a Sevco player.

Man, that club is desperate for cash and its PR people must be getting paid overtime for coming up with, and pushing, this rank nonsense.

But imagine the media swallowing this whole?

Can you believe them?

I knew what headlines I would see this morning, when I read last night in The Daily Express’ online issue about how there was interest in Morelos from China. So Sevco’s PR arm is leaking to that fabled repository of Tory family values now, the paper owned by Dirty Richard Desmond, the porn king, yeah?

I guess it was a matter of time.

Anyway, that’s just good PR work if you ask me.

Leak to a more unusual outlet instead of going through The Record itself.

Because you just know when Jackson and Cooney get up in the morning and see that they’ll have to grab it and claim it. They’ll have to elaborate. They’ll have to find a way to generate “new facts” and push it that bit harder.

The Record elevated the nonsense beyond the limits set in the first piece. Which is why a £6 million bid became a £7 million one by the time it left their copy desk (an apt name for it as you’ve probably gathered, since copying is all that goes on there) and formed a story.

Am I being unfair to Gary Ralston, whose name appears on this?

No, I’m not.

This isn’t journalism by any stretch of the imagination. This is fiction writing with a newspaper as cover. Not all news out there is fake. These people bring disrepute to an entire industry and make it easy for cynics and charlatans to propagate the “90% bullshit” theory. There are publications which take fabricating, or stealing, a story seriously. Jayson Blair, Stephen Glass, Michael Finkel … I could go on. Those guys were sacked, and disgraced, for this kind of stuff.

There is so much wrong with Ralston’s article it’s hard to know where to start.

There are grammatical and spelling mistakes in it for openers.

That’s not a deal breaker; there often are in these, and I don’t always spot them even after they are online (I usually do though and I edit on the hoof which is a little cheeky). But I work alone without an editor looming over me. Quality control on a national title should be better than that.

But there are also errors of fact and logic in there which would stand a good chance of wrecking a story even if had a factual basis and wasn’t simply scraped off a vomit covered floor. Take this beauty of a line for a start;

“Ibrox chairman Dave King rejected the offer because it would have left boss Graeme Murty with only Jason Cummings to lead the line for the remainder of the season.”

Flat out bollocks which every single person who follows football in Scotland is well aware of.

Because there are no less than five first team strikers on Sevco’s books of whom Miller, Dodoo, Herrera and Cummings would remain.

“Morelos, 21, is the Premiership’s top goalscorer this season so far with 11 goals and caught they eye of the Chinese at the recent Florida Cup.”

(I’ve written that exactly as it was published, with “they” instead of “the”.)

Really?

I knew scouting was extensive but are we to believe that instead of sending their people to one of the many top leagues which didn’t have a winter break – the EPL for example – that Chinese clubs had sent them, instead, to a friendly competition which quite literally awarded a Mickey Mouse Cup at the end of the “tournament”?

The Florida Cup.

My God.

I guess if you just call it that and don’t remind your brain-dead readers that this was two games, one against a Brazilian reserve team and the other against one which brought on its reserve team at half time, that no-one will know that. And of course, Chinese scouts watched the whole thing and where goals in Finland did not make Morelos look like a top player and goals in Scotland’s top flight weren’t enough … this was what did it.

Aye, okay.

Is this story intended to soothe fears that their club is in financial peril?

It doesn’t. I remember Peter Lawwell laughing his backside off at a similarly barking tale about Nikica Jelavic in September 2011, when the club had reputedly turned down a £9 million offer for him after crashing out of Europe twice in quick succession.

“Last night, we got a £29m offer for Hooper, from an unknown agent, from an unknown club, from another universe,” Lawwell said, to much laughter.

Just five months later, Rangers sold Jelavic for £5 million, to Everton, and even that wasn’t enough because days later they entered administration and shortly thereafter swirled down the tubes.

Is it a reaction to Celtic’s bringing in Musonda, in an effort to dominate the back-page headlines?

Why bother?

Nobody believes a word of this nonsense; it makes the papers involved and the writers whose names are on it look like unprofessional halfwits and doesn’t alter the objective fact that our club has acquired the player for the next 18 months.

Is it yet another effort to bolster Morelos value?

If so, he’s gone from being a £10 million player to a £7 million one in less than a week; way to go Ibrox PR, although I guess it could be construed as putting a more realistic price tag on his head.

(I said more realistic. I did not say realistic. If you put gold plate on a lead bar it would be more like a gold bar, but you still wouldn’t get much for it.)

They are desperate to sell one first team player before this window shuts … and equally desperate to drum up interest for the summer.

Morelos is a sub-par footballer.

If Sevco are looking to China for big bucks, they have more chance of finding a fortune in a cookie.

In the end, it doesn’t matter what the reasons are for the emergence of this; Dave King is back in town and he’s clearly the source of this garbage. Look out for a major series of “exclusives” with his tame hacks later in the week probably.

As he sets out his “vision” for the club all over again.

In the meantime, consider our media for a moment and the level of their reporting.

Consider this story as a piece of museum quality cobblers … it will be a perfect specimen preserved for a time when the national titles have gone out of business because no-one trusted them anymore and merely being entertained wasn’t enough reason to buy them.

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