now that I'm writing daily again and honing my voice I want to dip my toes into a couple other projects that I've been rolling around in my brain for almost a year now

realising ive never put into words character speech/think patterns that ive absorbed while having to write them nd i need to so. here u go.

haruka - guilty of not rly paying attention to how he speaks so i have less knowledge of it. used to stutter over his words a lot in t1, had a poor grasp of vocabulary. in t2 he stutters less/not at all, his vocabulary has improved but because of this i like to think he probably speaks close to how muu does (since she taught him) (i have no idea if this is canon or not)

yuno - lots of usage of the word "bothersome". presents a facade that she cares more than she actually does. i dont have a lot of thoughts on how i write her honestly- she's close enough to myself that i just WRITE her speaking manner as myself but a little different. she has a habit of teasing people. can be sexual (in speech) at times. homophobic dog. can make people uncomfortable with her knowledge of them or her general attitude. warmth.

fuuta - also guilty of analysing him less. i just write him sort of like how i speak to people im close to. has a regular angry anime boy speech pattern thats actually not angry- mixed with twitter user. in t2 he develops cult speak habits which actually makes him sort of hard to write bc i have to google things like "Religious words" "Words like salvation" every time i write his dialogue. hes stupid as all fuck.

muu - she's so fuckign funny. "passive aggressive" teenager in high school. says "muu" instead of stuff like "i" or "me/my" 10x more than mahiru's habit. doesnt "care" for most people she speaks to and it shows (unlike yuno's facade). spoiled rich girl. can be ignorant and not necessarily always on purpose. shes just a mean teenager man idk what much else to say about her speech patterns. in t1 she actually used to trail off a lot and hesitate to speak bc she was scared

shidou - guilty of not looking into him a lot. has a habit of "looking down" on the people he's speaking to with the sole exception of kazui (though he tends to think of kazui solely as Older Man Like Me rather than anything. deeper?? idk if that makes sense). verbose like some other little furry shit that i know. doesnt emote well. i write him like myself as well

mahiru - MAHIRU!!! in t1 she used to say her own name a lot like muu. in t2 this changes- she doesn't say do it as often. she apologises a lot in t2. low self-esteem that she makes known in speech whenever talking about herself. she just wants people to be happy. references her magazines/stuff she reads a lot in t1- im always rly sad she's lost this trait in t2. i want her lit major-ness back. sunshine incarnate that's been extinguished. "airhead" and "carefree" are words that describe her but i also tend to write her as being slightly hurt by them- its likely not a nice feeling to be thought of as "stupid" in gentler terms. i like to write her as more observant than people think though i dont think this is canon- she's lit major.......come on milgram...make her strange!!! let her observe people like those who like writing are so prone to do!!!!!!!! cant handle anyone making fast/unpredictable movement towards herself anymore after t2. also. NANDE, NANDE NANDE? (constantly questioning why.)

kazui - i need to analyse him more. his gaze makes people uncomfortable, notably those who dont like parts of themselves "seen". likely an aftermath of his employment of being a detective- he has to be able to know and analyse people accurately. reminiscences on his younger days a lot. i miss my wife tails i miss her a lot.

amane - guilty of not analysing her speech patterns at all actually. verbose. stuck in a cult. more "childish" than she lets on and tries to conceal this fact.

mikoto - i have to make sure he talks about work. tendency to present himself as more "simple" than he is. john speaks more aggressively. "carefree" like mahiru but less and more self-aware.

kotoko - oh boy. stupid fucking verbose bitch she takes so fucking long to write especially since i have to do her pov you have no god damn idea. she is constantly analysing and overthinking everything around her it doesnt stop. blunt. asks a question in return when she doesnt want to answer a question or gives short statements like theyre fact. struggles to read social aspects bc of her paranoia. uses the word "ridiculous" and "-ne?" ("right?") a lot. as well as "evil" or "sinners" or "criminals". thinks shes sooooo fucking smart when in reality shes stupid as all fuck. i write her very much like myself. theres a lot to say about her speech patterns/way she is that influences her speech that idk how to put into words bc its just been absorbed into my brain like a sponge. sounds like shes analysing you every time she speaks. naturally intense-looking in a way that scared muu even in t1.

man im gonna miss the owl house.

its a fucking masterpiece. that ending. Its all wrapped up in a nice and pretty bow and im so happy and im actually crying its precious to me like how gravity falls was, and amphibia (i admit im not the biggest fan of amphibia, with as fear of bugs and also holy shit thats a lot of 'filler' thats technically not filler because they DID have to wait like months to be able to venture outside but eHHH) gravity falls and its entirety was precious and nothing can match watching it for the first time amphibia was pretty and quirky with characters i genuinely cared about and the world building was cool and the owl house is a whole... IT HAD GAY, it had magic, it hAD BOOKS, it had so much stuff that i really liked and im so happy about it. and all of their endings made me cry and im still crying shut up oh my god and i didnt watch the episode like yesterday because i forgot and got distracted (haha sorry) and i want to make something to never forget but i already have the amity necklace, the season 1 poster (because season 2 had sold out by the time i checked sob, huNTeRRR) AghH but its in a pretty bow now and i have nothing to write about it. the perfect show honestly has to be the one that there's nothing that you can add to it because its perfect.

theres nothing that makes me want to add on to it, nothing to build out angsty and sad scenes (i mean it had everything i wanted LMFAO. anything else would have to just be like either a drabble, or like canon divergence and therefore hunter pov. because i am the writer who mainly writes male pov, clap clap) AND IM HAPPY FOR HIM HE HDWUISAHDIUA oh my god i just saw the flapjack grave oh my god it just spawned a new set of tears (I HAVENT FINISHED WATCHING THE CREDITS I HAVE WORDS TO SAY)

OH MY GOD AMITY (THEY ALL LOOK NICE. also can i backtrack and talk about how gus reunited with his father, with the illusions of multiple hims and then his dad was just hugging them all and that made me so happy??) also back track further LUZ WAS ROCKING THAT TITAN STYLE and she still has the litlte marks on her eyes (it was probably makeup though maybe? i dont remember if she had that after she turned back i dont think she did? idk) OH OH OH DARIUS (thats abomination coven guy right. oh my god i forgot what their rank was already LMFAO) NAD AND AMITYS DAD ?????? RAINE YOU LOOK SO PRETTY EM(ira? I FORGOT HER NAME. I JUST REMEMBER ED AND EM NAMES ARE FAILING ME RN) OH MY GOD THEIR DESIGNS next thing you know on youtube: nolstalgic the owl house lofi HOLY SHIT IS THAT GUS?

YEAH THATS HIS PALISMAN- HOLY SHIT ??? OH MY GOD EDA. AND SHES WEARING RAINES EARRING THING *SOB* AND HER ARMS A HOOK. OH MY GOD I LOVE HER /P AND THE LIGHT GLYPH im rewatching this so many times im so happy, this is like a literal timeless show in my eyes (like how you can watch gravity falls over and over AGHHH)

OH DEAR STEVE--- its just so perfect and im repeating myself and AGHHHH also can we talk about how they taught the collector what mortality was? i think thats the right word (i was about to say morality haha) LUZ JUST BRRR but like halfway through i remembered that papa titan (like the one from. i think it mightve been the first of season 3...? like when they go through theres that waving guy who sounds like hes running and panting and yelling 'hey' in the background, and i remembered 'OH IS IT HIM') and just oh my god *exaggerated hand movements*

oH MY GOD (and i know thats not the actual light glyph we had before- i know this because i tried drawing it once)

LOOK AT THE LITTLE HORNS AND THE DIAMOND SHAPE ADNWUIAS HDAIUD YEAHHHHHHH MORE LEARNING

i need to take a moment before i cry again my hands are shaking. im going to miss this show. i really hope i can find out what to write in the future (AHAHA unintentional pun to the episode 'in the future') EDIT: NO ITS FOR THE FUTURE, IM SO DUMB ahhh i want to immortalize it. i have this bad habit of forgetting things easily (on the plus side, YEAHHHH i can finally put my half a semester of spanish classes to use for luz!!)

vampire LAMP au

okay but like imagine a vampire au with polysanders except virgil is the only human???

roman got bitten by a vampire in italy just for kicks and then he was left to his own devices. he had to suffer through the shift alone with nobody to help him

for a little while, he was ravenous and accidentally killed a lot of people. in the end, tho, he snapped out of it and taught himself how to control his hunger

roman lived through the italian renaissance and moved between italy and spain (which is why he can speak really good spanish/italian) and even settled down a little in england for some time too

when roman settled down in england, he met patton who'd been a vampire for a while now

patton became a vampire becos he was hit with the plague and his mother was desperate to find a cure. this vampire they met ended up helping and then taking patton under his wing

roman and patton eventually find themselves in america (which was still a pretty new country at the time)

logan lived during the industrial era where everyone was just inventing things left and right and it was booming in terms of science and machinery

he was turned becos a vampire thought his genius was too valuable and death shouldn't put a stop to logan who had a lot of potential

the three then settled down in america

roman made some money writing fantasy books under pseudonyms. logan made money through patents or really any kind of intellectual work he could find. patton spent his time at home, just helping out and taking care of roman and logan

they had to move often, of course, becos people would be suspicious if they just stayed in the same place for too long. they couldn't get attached to people either becos getting attached to people meant people who would keep track of them

after all of their years being alive, patton and logan and roman have amassed enough money that they're just chilling and living comfortably

now, it's the modren era and, in this au, all of them either have online classes and/or night classes

virgil takes night classes and online classes because it limits his social interaction with other people and he's much more comfortable interacting with smaller groups of classmates (night classes)/not physically interacting with classmates at all (online classes)

the others because well duh they're vampires

it's not becos they dont like sunlight (they can be exposed to a little but too much gives them rashes). it's just that it's easier to keep a low profile if they interact with less people

logan is really the only one seriously taking classes and not for any other reason than because he loves learning. patton and roman will take classes here and there but only for their hobbies

insert virgil. i haven't thought this one through but logan probably meets him first because they share a class together.

anyway, LAMP have a meet cute or whatever

maybe like virgil is in an art history class and the prof says something wrong abt a certain part of history

logan is about to correct the prof but virgil beats him to it and logan is impressed with how accurate virgil was with his facts because logan lived that era and not a lot of people are so knowledgeable about it

that aside, their friendship takes time

logan has to introduce patton and roman separately and then the three of them have to keep attempting to get closer to virgil slowly and at virgil's pace

eventually, for their own reasons, they fall in love with virgil

logan falls in love with how much he relates to virgil. virgil is so smart and the two of them can talk and have debates and virgil just understands him so well

roman falls in love with how snarky virgil is becos he'll tease virgil and he knows virgil will serve it right back to him. virgil challenges him and its exhilarating and exciting

patton falls in love with how soft virgil is and how much he wants to protect virgil from all the bad things in the world. he loves how virgil has been through so much and yet virgil is still so strong

virgil is unaware of how smitten the three of them are tho and he falls in love with them too. he kind of just... plans to be with whoever asks him out first (if any of them ask him out at all)

because virgil struggles with his anxiety a lot, he can't really work at normal places. there's too many interactions, too many people.

he had thought that he'd eventually get used to it and then he'd be able go get a job but it's taking him a lot of time to get over his anxiety

precious time he can't really afford since he's putting himself through college

which is where his vamp boyfriends friends come in because hello, if they can't pay for their cute human crush's essential college classes, then what's the point of having all that money?

in any case, they find out abt virgil's financial problems and they're like omg... we're the solutions to his problem!!!

roman: i can finally actually slay what ails virgil!!!

logan: you won't be slaying anything--

roman: LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING

before they establish that sort of relationship though, logan and roman and patton all agree that they want virgil to know the real them first so that virgil can decide whether or not he wants to be associated with them

the last thing they want to do is make virgil feel like he's obligated to stay with them even tho he fears them becos they're paying for his college and housing him and stuff

so, they plan get to know virgil more and then tell virgil they're kind of sort of creatures of the night

definitely easier said than done

when they tell virgil, he's like *phone error sound* ??? before realizing oh my God, they're serious

he then laughs about it a little and the other three are confused but he clarifies that the situation was very ironic

becos like omg, how hilarious is that??? the one goth guy who's super pale and avoids social contact and is practically the stereotypical vampire is actually the only one that's NOT a vampire??? that's irony at its finest

virgil then also assures them that the three of them being vampires doesn't bother him one bit

virgil, the epitome of tumblr humor: bold of you to assume i wouldn't f**k a supernatural being

jokes aside, he does reveal to them that he couldn't care less about what species they were, just that they loved him and he loved them

and damn did virgil love those three idiots

roman: woah there, you might pull a muscle from all the i love you's you're spouting

virgil, sweating up a storm after showing the most emotional vulnerability in his life: sh*t u rite

jokes aside, they do form a sort of weird relationship where the three of them happily provide for virgil because virgil doesnt have the means to do so

it takes virgil a while to really get used to it since he's not used to accepting things from other people without giving back

he struggles for a little while becos he keeps trying to find ways to repay them for what they do for him but there's only so much he can do

eventually they have a conversation abt it and they're like babe honey sweetie no

patton: you give us your love and that's the absolute most important and priceless thing in the world!!!

virgil, known pessimist who cringes away from romantic gestures out of habit: sounds fake but ok

but like eventually they work it out in like a slowly but surely kind of way.

virgil learns to see money the same way the other three do (replaceable and pretty much worthless to vampires who have a large abundance of it) and the other three learn to kind of tone it down on the expensive gifts

virgil: im so glad you guys dont buy me really expensive things now

roman, sweating profusely as he hides the golden apple he had commissioned to be made especially for virgil: oH YEAH OFC HAHAHA

(logan, when roman had suggested getting virgil the golden apple: first of all, no??? in what way is that even romantic--)

omg imagine if virgil does the thing where he coops himself up in his room??? and then someone tries to get him to get out by pulling the blinds open to let in light??? and virgil hisses???

patton, having just let sunlight in, looking absolutely offended: OKAY FIRST OF ALL, you're not a vampire so don't take that tone of hiss with me--

someone is like teasing or bullying virgil abt his aesthetic and virgil is obviously getting uncomfortable, esp when they call him twilight (in reference to the vampire romance novel)

so one of the boys, probably roman, steps up and he's like 'the person you should call twilight is me' and he scares the bullies by flashing his eyes red and showing them his fangs

omg!!! roman doesn't have a reflection so virgil helps him put on make up or smth!!!

maybe virgil in this au is an artist so he paints a picture of all three of them so they know what they look like becos they dont show up on pictures and reflections

patton, gazing down at the picture: this is what true love feels like

logan, also feeling the same way: really? how unpleasant

logan:

logan: give me more

omg also logan having only really kept up with the intellectual side of history so he doesn't know abt memes and like stuff like that so virgil teaches him and he has his Flashcards™

iDK MAN JUST VAMPIRE BOYS BEING SOFT FOR EACH OTHER AND FOR THIS SMALL LITTLE HUMAN THEYVE PULLED UNDER THEIR (bat) WINGS

hi guys  😁  i am ur girl mimi  ( she/her, mst, 22 )  and all u have to know about me is that i do nothing but keysmash , cry , listen to redvelvet and arianagrande, talk spanglish since spanish is my first language AND that i love sonic the hedgehog . now let me introduce to u to my boy  😁

̗̀   ✰   ― 〔  cha  eunwoo,  cis  male,  he/him  ）―  ❝  have  you  seen  mason  choi  walking  around  the  town  square  in  the  afternoon  ?  if  you’re  close  enough  you  might  even  be  able  to  hear  in  your  eyes  by  the  weeknd  blasting  through  their  headphones.  they’re  twenty-four  and  are  currently  working  as  a  piano instructor  /  songwriter.  once  you  get  to  know  them,  you’ll  be  able  to  find  out  that  they’re  very  candid  and  reserved,  but  also  can  be  very  lackadaisical  and  blunt.

statistics .

name: mun-hee “mason” choi .

age: 24 .

dob: january 1st , 1996 .

gender + pronouns: cis male , he/him .

zodiac: capricorn sun , libra moon , pisces raising .

orientation: bisexual , biromantic . 

religion: heavily raised under catholic influences . he doesn’t care , though .

hometown: olympia , washington .

residence: novan , south carolina .

occupation: piano instructor, but he can be a tutor for anything if he does some investigation the night prior. singer and songwriter in hopes to make it big one day. streamer and influencer on twitch, youtube and instagram. 

about .

THE JACK OF ALL TRADES: a person who is not content learning about just one thing only , developing a sense to learn something efficiently so they can be good enough at whatever they choose . raised under a strict household , mason craved to learn and experience more than what was taught under the roof of his house and church . spent most of his life reaching out ( sometimes suceeding , sometimes not ) to everything to have some kind of experience under his belt: some of these being both noticed by his parents and some others not ( and for the better ) . a quick learner and adaptable , and when he knows how to approach new skills properly , no mountain is too high for him .

the only child to a priest and a lawyer . mun-hee , eventually introducing himself as mason because he was tired of repeating his name over and over , was brought up in a wealthy and strictly catholic household in olympia , washington . he was forbidden from doing anything out of the ordinary since he could remember ; from dirtying up his sunday clothes to not attending his best friend's birthday party because his parents had the suspicion that substances were going to be involved at the party , and they didn't want him to fall into that hole . if only they knew .

was pushed into the church's choir against his own will when he turned eight , weeks later he was not only praised by his voice , but he fell in love with music . he learned how to play the piano and guitar by himself , and he was later taught by his parent's friends on how to play the violin , the flute , the drums and even the saxophone . he is currently learning how to play the cello and the harp . he specializes on piano , guitar and drums only while the others are one of his multiple , but not so developed , skills .

wrote his very first song when he was eleven ( something that got him the first place at his school's talent show ) , since then he has been writing and creating his own music . he’s currently working on trying to produce something good enough to put out one day . his passion on music caused some tension between him and his parents because , although they didn't disown him or anything , they didn't approve of it---- mostly because they had plans of having him replace his father's position at their church . this caused mason to simply not talk about music with them . it was when he graduated high school when he decided to move out to new york to attend columbia as a mathematics major with a minor on creative writing . after graduation , he moved to novan at the age of 21 because he wanted a new change of scenery .

jason has his own youtube channel , filled with vlogs about literally everything: archives of his past gaming streams on twitch , guitar/piano/bass/song covers that have gone viral on twitter and instagram time to time so he has somewhat of a following fanbase .

tidbits .

despite that i know nothing about mason so im going full force on development with him LKSJKLSJSLKJSLKJS

a himbo . he’s a really nice guy ... kinda dense .. kinda slutty ....... but at the same time he’s v reserved and doesn’t speak until someone is speaking to him bc that’s juss how he was raised U know

he’s not as religious as his parents think he is . he doesn’t... really care but that’s the religion he was raised with so . but that won’t stop him from wearing this sexc necklace with a golden cross bc he thinks he looks hot with it Mwah .

mason has a good relationship with his parents actually !!!! something that is sexc despite of the lil music tension because not only he adores them and they adore him , but he’s lowkey living off their money but at the same time he has gotten a bunch of MONIESSSS because rich people keep giving him money so he can teach their kids to play ( insert musical instrument here ) hehe .

u kno on parasite how the kim family started to do the things the park family wanted or whatever..... kinda like that . sometimes uses his skill of being a quick learner to come up with something quick and make it believable and get the monies KJKLSJSJS

a piano , guitar and drums prodigy . sings like an angel and has the voice of my man’s baekhyun with some lil justin bieber undertones u kno.....  probably v popular at karaoke bars . and he’s a songwriter too and produces and mixes his own music and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

he wants to put out music sometime but for now....... he just makes random covers on his youtube channel , a channel that became popular bc oooooooooooooo cute boy who can sing and play the piano and is funny on his videogame streams . lets subscribe and tip him ten dollars so he can sing a song to me on his next stream <3 !

has gone viral time to time bc of his covers and bc hes really funny on twitter ngl . but if someone recognizes him he gets rather shy LSKJSLKSJKSLJ 

fucks around with alcohol and some drugs but it’s nothing too wild . he has been toying w these habits since high school and he still thanks god that they never found out about this ldjldkjdkldjd 

idk what else to say

he knows how to do card and skateboard tricks but please dont ask him to do wild things on the skateboard please he just can do the basics and doesn’t fancy the idea of getting his nose broken again LKJLSKJSLKSJLKSJ

a whole ass gamer when he’s not scratching his head trying to come up with the perfect sound for a new song . will ignore phone calls and messages until he’s done . he is also one of those bitches who will make u cum and then will get up to continue his game SLKJKLSJSKLJSKLSJ

he has a white cat and a cocker spaniel: phat and kiwi! aka the loves of his life 

a hopeless romantic who has like 289739873 failed relationships . he was a puppy heartbreaker when he was in college ngl

wanted connections.

best friend or someone he’s super close with ever since he moved in

unlikely friendship

partying buddies

PARTNERS IN CRIME

maybe he can be a cornerstone to someone just kno he’s not good with advice LKSJLKSJSLKJSKLSJ

maybe someone he teaches piano??? or maybe he taught them something else IDK

maybe a muse... someone who gives him so much inspo for his music/poems mmmmm this could be multiple because he finds inspo on everyone basically

exes ( good / bad terms ) kinda want three exes so he could say ONE TAUGHT ME LOVE , ONE TAUGHT ME PATIENCE AND ONE TAUGHT ME PAIN !!!!!

one sided crush ( them @ him or him @ them )

MUTUAL CRUSH ???????????????????

someone he spoils just bc ( this should be talked abt i guess )

frenemies

mutual annoyance

maybe someone who joins him on his vlogs u kno..... like when they r together his followers (or theirs if there’s someone out there who was a youtube channel too) are like o shit hell yeah

fwb(s) because he’s a slut  -________-

bad / good influences are also good

one night stands 

idk

fuck

pokemon go buddies 

neighbors? he lives in an apartment complex and his apartment is sexc ngl 

i like to brainstorm tho

please plot with me thanks

Part 11?

( i dunno.)

Colleen gently pulls the gauze off his shoulder and makes a face. "Shiro..." She says softly. "Why didn't you say anything?"

Since Sam helped design the arm he's curious, too. He's not sure what caused it. There should be no friction. Maybe a reaction to the metal? Or something got under the cap and caused irritation?

"No one ever asked..." He mumbles. He's glad Curtis has a nice place. Bigger bathroom, it doesn't feel too bad with 4 of them in there. He jumps when Colleen applies gel to his injury. "Little warning? 'Scold."

"It might itch a little, too," she warns. "It's a plant paste I found that only eats dead or diseased tissue."

Shiro momentarily wonders if it will eat through his whole body or not. He's rotten to the core.

Colleen gently explores the area, uncomfortable with the way he just stares off into the distance.

"Curtis I think you're right, there is some kind of build up." She takes some fresh gauze and wipes off the area, revealing pink shiny skin. "Does this hurt?" She asks Shiro and he shrugs. He barely feels her prodding. Maybe they'll cut more of him away.

Curtis moves closer, taking Shiro's hand in his. Rubbing it gently, "you're freezing," he complains.

When Colleen pulls out a wide gauge needle Shiro completely checks out.

"I'm going to see if there's anything to drain, or if it's something else. This might be uncomfortable. I can numb the area a little, first," she offers.

He doesn't respond.

"Takashi..." Curtis lightly strokes his hair. "C'mon back. You're not there anymore." He makes a back off motion to the two scientists and they oblige. Colleen puts the needle down.

Kissing the side of Shiro's head, he wraps both arms around him. Automarically leaning in to the comfort, Shiro takes a shuddering breath. "Curtis?"

"I'm here. I think we're doing this wrong, and I'm sorry. We really want to make sure you're okay and nothing is wrong with your shoulder. Is it okay if we check?" Of course they barely asked.

They asked him to sit and he did. But it's not like he would have felt like he had options. Shiro walks an odd line between following orders ans giving them. And when he's struggling he's either defiant or entirely too submissive. Curtis hasn't experienced too much of either, but. He's seen it in action before Shiro accepted a medical discharge.

Blinking and finding the room coming back into focus, he looks at Sam and Colleen. "Yeah. You guys can do what you need to," he says wearily. "But Colleen, yes, please use the numbing agent."

Curtis shifts to support him as much as possible. To ground him.

"Let me know when it's working," Colleen says, discarding the glove she'd just used.

Shiro presses his face into Curtis' side. He doesn't want to see any needles. Or scalpels. Or anything. He just wants people to stop treating him like a science project.

Curtis strokes his hair the entire time, focusing on anything but what Colleen is doing. He sees Sam handing her plenty of things from her kit, sees her pass things back.

Shiro wants to disappear. They should just let whatever's going wrong go wrong. He doesn't even realize how miserable he is. He likes time with Curtis. He goes out on morning jogs, he eats three meals a day, keeps his living space clean... He goes through the motions of normal. And when he's with Curtis he mostly feels normal. And when he doesn't, it's okay. Curtis loves him as is.

Continuing to thread his fingers through Shiro's hair, he starts to feel angry. Not at Shiro. But as he feels more tears soak into his shirt, he can't believe no one's asked about his arm before. Or asked how he's doing or ever talked with him about the things he went through. Because it's fairly obvious they haven't. Especially if his thousand yard stare seemed abnormal to any of them. He checks out here and there all the time.

When Keith pokes his head in, Curtis looks up at him and shakes his head. No, now is not a good time.

Keith glances at Colleen and blanches when he sees what's going on and ducks back out.

"All done," Colleen says reassuringly, smoothing a new bandage over his shoulder. "The new cream I've developed should sooth and heal all the raw skin, and close up any little holes from those needles."

Shiro nods.

Sam hunches down, "Can we talk for a few minutes?" He asks softly. Shiro nods dumbly again.

Curtis kisses the top of his head, "I'll be right back," he promises.

"Is Shiro okay?" Lance asks the second he sees Curtis.

"No," he snaps. "He hasn't been okay." He's mad at all of them. And at Zarkon and choice members of the Galra. "How did none of you notice?" Curtis has other friends. Veronica knows about some of his problems. She's asked Shiro about his. Curtis' family checks up on him frequently. Asking after his sleeping habits, and if he's okay.

"Look, Shiro isn't the kind of guy who lets you in all that easily-"

"None of you even ask anymore, do you?" Curtis cuts him off. "Do you even notice when he's not there anymore? How many of you bothered to talk to him about that year he spent enslaved? Or his time adrift inside the Black Lion? Or about Adam?"

"Who's Adam?" Lance asks, hating himself a little.

Keith sighs heavily. "Shiro's first serious boyfriend. Adam was with him for almost his entire Garrison career. They flew together. Taught classes. They were... A solid couple until the end. Adam ended it before Shiro left for Kerberos. And... He died in the initial invasion."

Matt winces. He should have asked. They knew Adam died. They'd known him and grieved. But they hadn't really checked on Shiro. But he'd seemed okay. Strong. Unflappable. They should have known better.

"He used to freeze up sometimes," Pidge whispers. "I didn't realize he was still doing that...it's less obvious when you're not in the middle of a fight. I just... I had just assumed when Allura brought his consciousness over she healed that."

"I never knew he had someone special before you..." Lance says softly. "I didn't even know he was into guys. I used to be so jealous of any attention Allura gave him..."

"I never asked him..." Matt scrubs at his face. "I still have nightmares about my time in captivity. It's not something I ever wanna talk about... But... I've got my family around me..."

"What happened to Shiro's family?" Lance asks, dreading the answer.

Keith clears his throat. "Disowned him when he came out. They were extremely traditional. They didn't even approve of him moving here. But the best flight instructors were here. I don't know if they survived or not," Keith admits.

Krolia has slowly moved closer to the door, to keep an ear out for Shiro.

"So he has no one but you guys, and none of you could be bothered to see he was hurting and needed a family?!" Curtis demands. "Ironically the one person who checks in the most is the one who isn't here. Did you guys forget Shiro's birthday was two weeks ago? Hunk at least sent a message and a promise of cake when he's Earthside again."

"Quiznak," Pidge says softly with feeling.

"Look, he's really good at pushing people away and putting up a strong front. Most people never knew he was in pain before Kerberos," Matt tries to explain.

"As his friends, it was our job to read between the lines..." Lance points out. "And we didn't. We just let ourselves rely on him and always assumed he was fine."

Keith stands up abruptly, going to catch Shiro at the bathroom door. Putting an arm around him he leads him back to the couch. Matt and Pidge move to make room.

Curtis grabs the blanket from before and goes to settle it around Shiro. His hand had been icy earlier, odds are he's cold. "You haven't eaten yet, there's plenty of food..." He offers.

"We have pizza, sushi, soup..." Keith says helplessly.

"We can always go get something else if there's something specific you want," Matt offers.

Shiro just feels worn out. He doesn't want to eat. "I'm good," he smiles. "I had some of the soup Pidge brought. It was really good."

(I only post what i write for feedback... So if you guys dont like it, I'll stop. It's cool lol. I don't wanna waste my time or spam up my feed with stuff people don't care about yknow?)

hello i’m arriving to the party an entire day late and this is Not Surprising at All to anybody who knows me slightly well because i’m late to everything. said late writer is ya boy , felix  ! i’m 20, i use he / him pronouns, annnd you don’t wanna know about me, you want to know about actual Nerd incarnate , yongbin .

his stats are here ,  bio is being rewritten because my dumbass deleted it from my drive , and all i have left to say is that you can like this if you want me to message you on here or discord to plot instead, since i’m usually faster on there … usually …

note: talks of surgery / birth defects,  &  kinda nsfw

⦑ felix. / 20. / gmt. / he/him. ⦒ woah ! tell me i did not just see cho yong bin walk past us, they’re the child of the cho family right ? they’re twenty three now, so i wonder if they’re here training to become an anarchist hacker. i heard they’re really intuitive & vexatious, so i’d say stay away from them unless you really wanna try your luck. no wonder they’re so notorious though, with the face of byun baekhyun i’d be interested in them as well. anyway, back to what i was saying. - yongbin, pain in the ass, and his most common sobriquet, zero ( name’s inspired by binary code btw ) , was a self taught anarchist hacker , but he sure as hell hasn’t been doing it for free all this time. he’s immensely adept and writes concise code and thoroughly enjoys annoying people and wreaking havoc in that precise order.

- hacker is kind of a blanket term, bin’s speciality was in blackmail, identity theft, exploiting vulnerabilities in various networks and systems, and causing all sorts of chaos online. when he was younger and before he was intimately familiar with the academy, he offered out his services to online rebel groups ( both good and bad ) and wasn’t officially apart of any system or group.

- this was subject to change a few years later when he was caught out on a slight mistake tracing back to his ip, assessed by an official representative of the school, who was impressed by his abilities and offered him an ultimatum: to join the academy or go to a detention camp.

- behind the screen bin was born with a pretty serious congenital heart defect. he needed surgery to survive, if only temporarily. every ten years or so, he’d have to do the same, with more or less no guarantee that they would all be successful. ( i would like to think that when he joined the academy some sort of technology maestro has helped him w / his respiratory issues so lmk if there’s a potential plot link there )

- bin is also an orphan who went through a very jaded system . he never knew his parents and frankly doesn’t care to know them, but little does he know that they have been tracing him from birth and were the sole reason why he got his place in the first place, ultimately unable to take care of him when their careers, both arms dealers, were too dangerous for a kid. his craft and experiences with life has made him instinctively cynical about his parents’ generation so like.. trusting an institution full of teachers their age was not and would never have been an ‘ideal’ for him. 

- his part time job used to be at a pc repair shop and he liked working there a lot, most people would question why he’d ultimately then go on to ruin a life he was happy with just to constantly risk getting into trouble. yongbin’s answer ? Because he’s Chaotic Neutral Thats Why

- socially, surprisingly unlike how most hackers are portrayed as nerds w sellotape on their glasses n a pocket protector ( he has a pocket protector but thats besides the point ) zero is outgoing in school and onwards, liked seeing what other people were interested in, pushing boundaries and keeping up with his friends just by listening and absorbing information.

- he isn’t exactly well liked, because his brain to mouth filter malfunctioned a lot of times which caused friction, But he definitely knows how to make and maintain friendships if you can handle him vanishing off the face of the earth and replying to your text from two weeks ago at 4 am like wyd

PERSONALITY

- zero’s life has mostly been not very fun, and he definitely realises this, but he’s not really the type to sit around and cry about it. mostly, he tries to take it with a stiff upper lip and a good sense of humour. he’s snarky and dry and enjoys getting into cyber-wars with other comp nerds in his limited friendship group. he definitely also enjoys sending lil viruses to other ppl in hearst just to let you know just how much your firewall sucks

- he’s got a real bad habit of getting wayyy in over his head with things. he’s like, a lil bit of a troublemaker — a back-talking, muttering under his breath, sneaking into places he shouldn’t, kind of troublemaker, but nothing too offensive. however, he sometimes gets into Actual Trouble because he makes the world’s worst choices and follows the world’s worst people’s advice. his personal motto is, “oh fuck. why?”

- he can be affectionate and immensely appreciative of anyone who’s genuinely kind toward him, even if his pride won’t let him come right out and say so. he’s p creative and resourceful — definitely can think you out of a pinch, even if he’s not so great at solving his own shit.

- friend wise, he’s attentive and thoughtful; sharp as a tack, funny as anything, and would totally rather help you out with your problems than get into deep discussions about his because opening that big ol book of issues is not gonna be fun for Anybody - romantically he’s inwardly pansexual for a long while but to people around him that probably.. wouldn’t be that big of a surprise. don’t talk to him about real love though he really is a computer machine with 0 emotions in that realm

tinie headcanon list because ive been slowly gathering them in my head for Days

-  has a handful of piercings on his ears , but the one he’s known for most is his labret piercing

- has a chameleon called cookie and donates to a dog shelter wherein his favourite stray dog ( known as flash ) lives. and yes he’s naming them after computer terms. no he wont Reconsider

- proud owner of 1 terabyte of hentai stored on his external hard drive that he’d gladly d*e for n is not ashamed of it in the slightest this zone is kink shame free !!!!

- loves to go exploring around the grimier parts of the academy and places you rlly wouldn’t expect him to be to clear his mind. abandoned classrooms, warehouses, etc.

- talk to him about conspiracy theories about alien life forms for a friend

- has absolutely awful hand eye co-ordination despite it playing in to a big part of their training so just know he’s probably dying first, or just teach him to throw a punch and not somehow hurt himself ? Blease

- sticks his tongue out while he’s hacking or doing anything that requires concentration. can’t multi-task and will ignore everything in his general surroundings to give 110 percent to whatever he’s doing.

- is a scorpio so sorry u cant trust anything he says i dont make the rules the astrological gods do

that’s all i’ve got up to now and i hope this gives you a bit of background into what he’s about. i think i’ll finish here before i write more trash so [ hacker voice ] im out

The red hoodie

Hi! Me again, sense you liked my last fic, i thought I would contuine it.also, I know I wrote it, but I submitted it to you, would you be ok with me putting it on my AO3 account? Also, I’m on my phone so my typing is horrid. I wanted to explain a dumb joke I had in the last one,because when I reread it it didnt make aense much. During the small movie date, Kevin mentions a ’ Benjamin lumberjack’ that was a joke about benedict cumberpatch. Well, now onto the fic!

_____________________________

Odd. That is how Kevin would describe what he was looking at as. Odd. A gaint woman craved into the side of a cliff holding a house in its hands, and it sat next to the ocean.it was odd for sure. He knew jamie delivered the mail our here, but when Kevin helped, jamie ahd already delivered by then, so he didnt know until now were the kid lived.

Oh yeah, the kid. Steven was his name. He ruined everything Kevin worked for. Kevin grinded his teeth together and pulled at the purple acarf on his neck.

The scarf Jamie gave him the first day the hung out together.

Kevin took a breath and kept a hand on the scarf, it reminded him why he was here in the first place.

Kevin was here to apologize.

Its not like he did anything wrong. The kids tricked him when he only wanted to dance, and they became obsessed with him after he beat them in a car race, but they had to ruin everything. And if Kevin wanted jamie back….

He had to play like he was the one at fault.

“Forget it kev, jamie isn’t worth this….” He told himself as he walked closer to the building he saw the little girl -Connie was her name (and no he didnt stalk her…he just followed her when he happened to see her walking to the beach.he needed to apologize anyways so…not stalking) -walk in a few minutes ago, so he knew they were both there. 

“He is just a drama queen, someone who is obsessed with you. You dont need him, he is not worth telling these brats sorry too.."Kevin muttered to himself as he climbed the stairs and stood at the screen door.

"Who are you kidding Kevin…jamie is worth everything…” He slowly knocked on the screen door. From his place on the deck, he could see. A kitchen, couch, a weird crystal pad, and stairs going up to what looked like a bed that the two kids sat on and watched tv. The curly hair boy yelled"coming!“ As he hopped onto the couch and ran to the door smiling.

He wasnt smiling when he saw who it was.

"Keviiiiiin…."he hissed at said boy.

"Hello to you too kid.” Kevin returned the greeting. Connie came down the stairs when she heard who it was. Glaring at the taller boy through the screen, she balled her fists and put them on her waist.“and what are YOU doing here?”

Kevin met her eyes with ease and crossed his arms.“look I came here to tell you two something. I rather not tell you but I have to.” The two kids shared s look them returned their gazes at Kevin.

“So…what do you need to tell us?” Steven asked. Kevin took in the breath and looked out to the ocean, thankful for the view into blue nothingness.

“I’m….sorry.”

Silence filled the air.

The screen door opened and Steven pointed to the couch.“you can take a seat,"  althought it sounded like a request, Kevin caught the undertone of a demand. He walked in and sat on the couch, watching the two stand on the other side of the low table, looking at him.

"Why are you apologizing now? And you’re apologizing to the wrong person.” Connie stated, Kevin watched as the two kids took hands,did a short dance, then glow.

Stevonnie stood in front of him.

“Alright….I’m listening…jerk.” Crossing her arms, she stared down Kevin with eyes he couldn’t meet this time.

“I said I’m sorry, alright? I…was a jerk like you said.” Kevin hated saying this, but he knew he had too. He remembered chas had lines like this, were he had to act out of character and sound like he meant every word. Maybe Jamie could have taught him some acting after all, now he just needs to use it.“I invaded your personal space at the rave” use words they said before, when they tattled to jamie,“ I wanted to dance but you didnt want to. I’m sorry. During the race I…got upset. And claimed you were wrong when I was in the wrong instead…so I’m..sorry. Can you er….forgive….me?” It physically pained him to say these words, it really did. He pulled at the purple around his neck. He would take any pain if it meant he could be with Jamie again.

“You think its over just like that? You made me really uncomfortable at that rave and you were a jerk to a lot of people in town at the race aswell. Why do you want to apologize now? After so long why now? It doesnt make sense…” Stevonnie had a softer tone now.

Kevin,sighed.“would you believe me if I told you?” He didn’t see any other choice but the truth, he really didn’t. He put his head back on the couch and put his hands on his face.“ The truth is, if I don’t apologize to you, ive lost the one person i care about more than myself.”

He was silently insulted by the gasp that followed.“you care about someone more then yourself?! I didnt think that was possible…” The disbelief was audible in Stevonnie’s voice. Kevin lifted his head to give a glare.

“Yes, it is possible, and I wouldnt apologize to you if I didnt have to, but it is the only way he will even talk to me agian."He stood up and pulled still his scarf. This was pointless, they wont forgive him and he will never get jamie back."forget it, im leaving.” Kevin walked past them to the door

“Ill forgive you.” Stevonnie said as he reached the door. Kevin froze in place at the surprise of those words.“if you do one thing…”

He should have seen the catch coming.

_______

“Couldnt I write, I dont know, cards saying I’m sorry’ instead?” Kevin questioned as Connie and Steven set up a microphone on the theatre stage.

“Nope!” Came the overjoyed relpy, followed by giggling. Kevin held a microphone as people began to take their seats in the foldable chairs. He saw a lot of familar faces, which is common in a small town,like beach city, but many were of people he was mean too. He saw the French fry guy who can’t dance, and the pizza twins. He saw sour cream, the one name he knew in the crowd and didn’t hate, and a guy named buck, who took his role of chas. The blonde donut girl and tall bean pole were sitting next to each other. He saw the mayor in a chair and remembered calling him washed up once. Kevin’s eyes scanned over the people until they rested on a fluffy haired mailman within the crowd. Kevin looked at Jamie’s confused face starring at him. He pulled at the scarf agian, it was slowly turning into a nervous habit. If he wanted jamie back, he had to do this.

One thing was for sure though…

These kids were evil.

“Ladies and gentlemen!” Steven announced, doing jazz hands.

“Kevin has something he wants to say to all of you! Without further a-due…” Connie jazz hands too.

“Kevin!” They jazz hands at Kevin before running off the stage..

Silence fell over the audience as Kevin stood there, just holding the microphone and pulling at his scarf. 

He didnt want to do this, he hated this. Why should he have to do this to be forgiven? It was unfair to embarrass him like that…

But from the crowd, Kevin saw jamie give him a smile,,the smile jamie made when Kevin was nervous about his lines during rehearsal. A smile jamie had for Kevin that told him he would be ok, even if he messed up.

Kevin missed that smile almost as much as he missed Jamie’s smile when he saw Kevin wearing his scarf.

Yeah…Kevin had to do it.. It was for jamie after all.

“Hi I’m…im Kevin.” Wonderful opening, Oscar worthy, really.“ I know uh..dumb way to start.but uh..I’m uh…sorry? I guess? Look im still figuring out how to say this..I was a jerk to…well to everyone really…and honestly? I don’t care if I was a jerk, but I…I see now that if I’m not…less of a jerk…I don’t get the person i care about, ill always be second best…when I am the best.” What? Kevin is still Kevin, you think he isnt going to brag?“look what I’m saying is…I am sorry…for all the mean things I have said, and all the mean things I have done. I’m..working on being better….” Kevin,began to take off his hoodie.it was his favorite one. It was red and comfy, never too hot, never too cold when he wore it. Plus, it was very fashion forward.

“A few weeks ago…I was given this purple scarf…and I uh..I never gave a gift back in return for it…” Kevin saw Jamie’s look of surprise as he mentioned the scarf.“so uh..jamie if you..want it..uh..here?” Kevin held the hoodie out off the stage towards the silent crowd. He looked off to the side. Kevin didn’t see the movement nor hear the footsteps of someone coming near him. He didnt look over until he felt a pull on his hoodie. He turned and his eyes met Jamie’s. Jamie came up to get his hoodie. As Jamie’s pulled on the hoodie a bit, he gave Kevin a brand new smile.

“Thanks Kevin, I really like your hoodie.” Kevin gently let go of the red hoodie and watched jamie put it on. Kevin was bigger than Jamie, so the jacket was a little long, but Jamie was cute nonetheless. Kevin now understood why Jamie gave such a cute smile when he saw Kevin wesronf his scarf. It was sweet to see someone wearing something you gave them.

“I like you.” Kevin,said into the microphone.

Who would have knows it could get even more silent?

Buck slid sour cream a ten as Jamie looked up at Kevin.

“Oh I like you too.” Jamie smiled, being the oblivious,person he most likely isn’t.

“Jamie if you make me sing a love song from a musical to get you to understand that my ‘like’,for you is a. 'love’ I will throw myself into the sun.”

The crowd broke into soft whispers as Jamie blushed. Steven ran over and took the microphone.

“Ok so uh..who all forgives Kevin?” Slowly, hands began to go up around the audience, followed by some small comments,of 'i will forgive him c u s see this is cute AF'  soon everyone hsd forgiven Kevin and connie took the microphone.

“ok have a nice day! you can so leave now.”

Soon everyone had left and Kevin was left with Jamie.

“I apologized to everyone for you. Like you said, you dont owe me anything ,but I do love you.” Jamie was as red as stevens shirt.

“I…havent thought about you like that..”

Kevin sat on the stage and shrugged.“its fine, I figured you hadn’t, but now you can think about me and see if I’m the JD to your veronica.” He winked. Jamie blinked.

“Kevin, have you even seen heathers the musical?, Kevin shook his head.

Nah,just looked up some theatre couples and I figured it sounded romantic.”

“Yeah…we are going to my house to see exactly why they are not a good couple to try to copy.”

“Oh so I get a date already?” Its Kevin, if he doesn’t play cool, he will probably combust right now.

Jamie sputtered our a “t..thats not what this is"v before turning to walk away. Kevin grabbed the hood and pulled Jamie back, placing a kiss on his cheek. 

"Alright, alright, lets go watch heathers the musical.”

Jamie blushed all the way to his house as Kevin drove them there.

One thing w a for sure, jamie didn’t see this twist ending.

——–

Annnnnnd done!,I know its shorter then the last one, but I figured it would be funny. Steven and connie, in my opinion, would totally make Kevin apologize to the full town because he was s jerk to the citizens in town a lot probably. Buck and sour cream had a bet going on if Kevin was into guys of not, cause he spent s lot of time with Jamie lately. Sour cream won. Yeah bur if you dont mind, I would like to post these to mt ao3?

Submitted by: @sockpansy

yO I REALLY LOVE THIS????? YES PLEASE? Kevin meeting up with Steven and Connie to apologize was my favorite part omGG. The rest of it was so sweet I’m gonna cry, and I nearly loST IT WHEN KEVIN REFERENCED HIM AND JAMIE AS VERONICA AND JD ASDFGGJKL. IT’S YOUR AMAZING WORK, OF COURSE YOU CAN POST IT.

1-98 for asks like we did a million years ago, I dare you

i knew the MOMENT i saw the notif in my inbox that it was gonna be YOU pulling this shit and i crossed my fingers when actually clicking, HOPING i wouldnt have to answer all 98, maybe you’ll be tame this time, but no! this is what you’re doing to me. and ykno what, Fine. u dare me and i Will do it. i hope u rb the asks post so i can do it to u too, tho

1. coffee mugs

2. chocolate bars

3. bubblegum

4. that smart student who always read instead of actually paying attention

5. soda from glass cups is the best

6. its hard to just Decide between all these styles so ill say which one applies to mine most, which i Gotta say has to b preppy even if i want like goth or grunge to b mixed in

7. headphones

8. good omens, fmab, castlevania, uhhhh. those are just the ones ive watched so far this summer

9. my grandparents’ home. which is kinda weird but i have a lot of summer memories there

10. i sucked at like Everything in p.e., there Was no best

11. leftovers

12. i cant choose a favorite playlist?? /some/ of them, tho, are soar my ethereal heart, neither here nor there, mountainside storms, and sync of my heartbeat. so like any of my more recent ones

13. lanyard

14. i had to google a list for this bc honestly i always eat just chocolates but i like starburst

15. fahrenheit 451 was a rly fun read. ray bradbury’s writing gave me inspo for metaphors and writing and such and it was rly nice

16. sprawled across one of those comfy armchairs where i can swing my legs over one arm n lay my head on the other one

17. my black converse

18. cool temperature and rain without storms, or a cloudy day that lets me take a nice walk

19. on my side if i can but on my back otherwise

20. on my laptop, in google docs, to be more specific

21. winnie the pooh

22. idk?? i try not to look to just one person for a source of “this is how i should be”, so i guess,,,, a mix of family members and then a couple like more famous ppl??? which would basically consist of one of my aunts, my dad, and jenna marbles, to keep my Brain Process for role model stuff simplified

23. i dunno if any of the habits i have are strange?? i bounce my right leg and my right hand kinda. like. shakes when im nervous. i cant rly think of anything else i do tho i Know i probably have other habits

24. amethyst or pyrite

25. ur really just assuming my memory is good enough for this but if i had to say, it’d be any popular song from 2009 specifically

26. hide in my room with a fan and ac

27. read with a blanket wrapped around me or smth

28. atlas: six by sleeping at last, flaws by bastille, atlas: five by sleeping at last, she by dodie, and neptune by sleeping at last. there are probably more/better ones but those are the first ones i found

29. listen. be open with me. talk with me. not to sound like that person, but sharing ur life secrets is a rly big ice breaker for me because it helps let me know i can trust u. but also idk im a really awkward person and can accidentally distance myself from ppl so when ppl notice theres smth up w me or even do the bare minimum of doing Their part to maintain a friendship, that’s always rad as shit when idk how to communicate what i need

30. my room, my high school’s auditorium, the local barnes and noble

31. black boots, black jeans, any button-up shirt that’ll match that combination OR a really cool sweatshirt

32. im a bad bitch, you cant kill me. road work ahead? uh, i sure hope it does. it is wednesday, my dudes! welcome to chili’s. i love you, bitch, and i ain’t ever gonna stop loving you, bitch.

33. probably “omg” or “oh my god”

34. sc johnson. a family company.

35. i dont even have one but on a good night like 10-11

36. the troll face memes

37. suitcases feel much more organized

38. lemonade

39. lemon cake

40. ummmmm....one time a tech/theatre kid left a paint can sitting out in the open accidentally and a person took a shit in it or smth then knocked over the can, spilled a bunch of paint, and tried to clean it up w a broom and proceeded to like snap the broom in half. then they ran away to leave the kids to clean it up the next day. i wasnt actually there for that but ive heard the story firsthand enough times to Know

41. my dad

42. jacket pockets

43. hoodie is what i wear, tho everything else is Very Good

44. lavender

45. fantasy, my dudes

46. this set of pjs i got for xmas w a soft tshirt and matching baggy flannel pants

47. colby jack

48. uhhh a banana?? i could probably give a better answer if i was more

49. i dont rly live by a quote or saying, i just Go for it

50. my sister has probably done smth before to like Break me

51. everything ever but mostly myself

52. arial

53. uhhh...kinda worn? my nails aren’t doin so good and i have a couple scratches and stuff that Still havent healed after a few weeks

54. get a move on

55. the ugly duckling

56. tradition is kinda vague but i like that it became tradition for me and my siblings to go to my grandparents’ home every summer

57. i think im still overcoming like everything ive been faced with ever

58. writing? listening, helping, giving advice. idk tbh like talents who?

59. "jesus christ, my dude”

60. a fantasy/comedy, or at least if its gonna be fantasy with death and stuff, it should be dope as fuck

61. "isn’t vulnerability the opposite of being in control?” from a webcomic called aerial magic. super simple but the entire scene leading up to it,,,,,so good

62. umm fuck! i dont kno whether favs r usually ones that i relate to or ones that i wanna b like but??? keith from voltron, jirou from bnha, chromedome and/or rewind from transformers/mtmte, sypha from castlevania, and jayfeather from warriors

63. planetary (go!) by mcr, the seed by aurora, hayloft by mother mother, the cup/halloween blues from relient k, choke by i dont know how but they found me

64. coolmath was THE shit

65. yes! two on my leg from a surgery i had to get to realign my femur, bc i snapped the bone in half

66. lavender, snowdrops, hibiscus

67. i dont really have any, mostly bc i have a hard time attaching like. That sorta meaning to just random objects, but i do still have a small teddy bear stashed safely away in my room from when i was a little babee

68. pickle-flavored pringles. disgusting. would not recommend

69. lions’ roars can be heard up to 5 miles away from the original source

70. right handed

71. horizontal stripes, i guess? there’s not much wrong with them but i just Never wear them

72. math

73. i dont usually eat /weird/ flavor combos, even tho ill eat basically anything, but i like ketchup in mac and cheese sometimes. or fries in shakes. chicken and waffles. stuff like that

74. 11

75. idek honestly, my memory is too bad

76. hashbrowns

77. i dont kno a Lot of plants off the top of my head other than the Basic ones but literally any flower in a windowsill is like bone apple teeth in my mind

78. sushi from a grocery store. publix taught me that grocery stores can, in fact, be trusted when needed

79. my school id photo

80. earth tones

81. fireflies

82. pc

83. writing

84. talk radio is nostalgic but podcasts are always more entertaining to actually listen to

84. polly pocket

85. mythology with a dash of fairytales

86. cupcakes, because of my dog’s name

87. abandonment

88. to grow unbreakable attachments with everyone i care very deeply about and grow into an old age with them, or something

89. i feel like answering this question totally honestly would hurt ppl’s feelings, but also i literally could think of like 4 people to put down for this and i’m bad at deciding, esp w smth like this, so. not to b vague but These People kno who they are

90. becoming a part of a certain website with a bad crowd and managing to pick out the good apples in such a rotten batch

91. boxes

92. lamps /and/ fairy lights

93. i dont rly have any but my parents call me hannah banana. that’s ab it, tho

94. fall/winter? it kinda is inconsistent because fall has bad weather in florida but winter is when like everything has Gone Wrong in life these past few years, but then fall has such a GOOD aesthetic and my birthday is in winter, so they’re pretty even rn

95. uhhh??? thats such a weird thing, to try and assign a “favorite” app, but the only thing i could think to say would be spotify just bc i use it so much on my phone, even if the app itself isnt the greatest

96. i havent set one, actually, bc im lazy and havent found anything that’d fit

97. 2 and a half

98. the part where fish were learning that they could walk on land

Robert Hight

The first weekend that he broke Matt's record I was just waiting for Matt to break it. Matt's been making me crazy cause he just hangs out at the tree like he's texting at the stop light or something... that's all I gotta say about that. 339 is a huge jump... So to get that -- it's difficult for Matt. I know Matt's issues while driving but he's in. And habit hard to break. To be honest he's gotta work a long time practicing to get out of the way he drives. I'm not gonna sit here and write it out it's obvious. Let's move forward... So... Friday night Robert nearly got his ass beat. There was a huge to do because Robert was taunting me. I haven't said a word to anyone about Robert. The only only thing that I've said is that I think that Matt can beat the record that Robert set. That is all that I said and I wrote that in Sugar's Twitter So Friday night he started taunting me and Matt told him to stop. The FBI told him to stop. It went on for over an hour so Matt went over to their teepee and got John Force to understand what Robert was doing. So John Force finally was able to stop it. Because Robert does not respect anyone. He's a disrespectful little bastard. So after John and Matt got him by the neck he started to be nice to me. I still just ignored him. So then last night he started his shit again. I had already said what I thought about his breaking the 3.8 barrier. I said that Dejoria was the first one to break 4.o so as far as I see it, he's it any better than Dejoria We all know what I say about Dejoria. And I have not always said anything nice about her. In fact I've described her character in-depth and I don't believe any if it was positive until the last six months. And I've been on about her for YEARS. So just because he broke a barrier it doesn't mean that he's some God or some Braniac or someone to look up to. So I say that yet I admire Matt very much so for breaking barriers and being the first and making history. I'm saying that it's my choice to. I can make my own choices about who I want to admire and when. I choose not to admire Robert Hight. I fully believe he masterminded and swindled and talked his way into the Force Home. I don't believe he truly loves his wife. I dont. I think he just basically fucked his way into the top of the Funny Car NHRA. Who would not want to be in with John Force? He was champion for a decade back to back back to back back to back. I think Robert Hight's eyes lit up with greed and he did whatever he could to get in with John Force. Anything he could. And I think he does anything to stay with him. I don't think that John Force is a Mr Magoo. All blind and dumb and stupid. I think that John Force uses his heart and thinks with it more often than his brain. He lives in a highly competitive world where everything is cut throat and there's so so so much greed. I think he needs to love. He needs to trust. He needs to have a world that is kind. I think he should had shielded his heart and Family more. And his business as well. Especially since that's what Robert Hight wants most. And he has it. He's president. Matt has been in love with me his whole life. I was the first person to show him love. True patience, worry, kindness. The first person that could give that without being demanding or mean or evil. I'm not Robert Hight. I will never be Robert Hight. So what he holds a record. But when that littl pansy ass crybaby bitch dies. He ain't getting into Heaven. He will be lucky to retain memories of the good feelings that he got when he broke records. So let Robert Hight hold a record for a minute. It's the lamest and most pathetic thing that he is. That's all he is. A title. A title doesn't make a man. Matt Hagan at two years old told me he was a man. I was literally scared to death of him absolutely terrified. He knew what he wanted and what he wanted was me. I was scared to death and to this day 32 --- THIRTY-TWO years later, my hands still shake and my heart goes out of control beating from that memory that he told me that he loved me. I was so scared of love. Love wasn't real. Love made people do things. I didn't understand love. I was powered by love. I was absolutely powered by love and I cared to the deepest of my being. I was taught how to love. I was taught how to care. So he told me, he knew I loved and he loved me back and he wanted to keep my love forever. The deepest and most terrifying feeling, you can never ever feel, never imagine how scary it is, until you've felt it is the wonder if you can life until the end of time. If you can every single time perfectly execute caring, kindness, love, generosity. I guess you could say that Matt was ultimately terrible to me. Absolutely horrible to have that desire. That desire to be treated right and to have love forever. From me. I held him when he cried because someone else hurt him so bad that he has the deepest scars anyone has ever seen. I didn't believe that I could hurt him that same way. But despite his trust in me, he was afraid I would. And that made me want to melt into a puddle and die. Someone did it once. Why wouldn't it happen again? So obviously. Someone breaking his world record is nothing. Not a dam thing when he's thrown his heart in the middle of the floor and dared me to squish it. Told me it would break. But that he would still love me. He will break Robert Hight's record. Probably. Most definitely if he stays a Nitro Funny Car driver. I have absolutely no doubt that he will. What if he doesn't? You know what? He's talking about saving the lives of cows, deer and other animals. He's talking about carrying me because it's too painful for to walk. Talks about carrying me to the toilet. I'm 36 years old and he's like I want you to live past 80. And so that's a very long time for him to use me as a gym. It's obvious, the way that Matt Hagan has been driving this 2017 year that he really just does not give a shit about Robert stupid fucking Hight. He's got enough Wallys to make me a dildo a year for 20 years. So really. Who the fuck cares when you know he's gonna be using his dick? Point is that Robert doesn't care about anyone. Robert doesn't care about love. He doesn't have any of the values that John Force believed he had. John Force had to TEACH HIM LOVE. I actually like Robert Hight. On TV. He's got a great fun personality. But because he's been so busy hiding his personal (evil) agenda, he can't see real things. He can't see how people really are. Because he's been so busy hiding himself. Being fake. Trying to reach the top to be the bacon when he is just slop the pig eats. So maybe. Maybe just like Dejoria when she broke the 4.0 maybe he finally broke his own shell that made him a piece of shit ass hole. Luckily for him, John Force has an awkward and shy but huge and loving heart and spirit. Because if John wasn't so amazing then Robert Hight wouldn't be able to learn and to change and to become the type of person that deserves to hold a record. I hadn't said anything about Robert breaking the record. Because silence is golden. Everyone loves a nice quiet Sunday dinner when no one has to say a goddam word but be able to live in peace and Harmony. So I said nothing. I told Matt I hoped he would break it back because I believe he deserves to have it and no one else. That's exactly what I said. I'm sure Robert over heard as I can't stop him from spying. but I didn't say it for Robert. I said it for myself. I said it for Matt. But maybe Matt didn't even want to hear it... He wanted to hear me say those words but maybe that's all he wanted. He didn't want to break it. He just wanted to hear me say I think he deserves something absolutely amazing that everyone knows about. Maybe. So I didn't say anything about Robert that was negative. Things I think and feel. Things I think that will start a war and bull shit and make Robert mad. Because when Robert gets mad, he's disgusting. Absolutely furious and if you ask me is just a waste of carbon dioxide, oxygen and water. He deserves nothing but maggots out his eyes. His temper. It's disgusting And it's mostly disgusting Because he lies. And he thinks he can beat me. He thinks he can break me. He started a war with me. But I'm not playing. Because it's not a cold war. Everyone can see from his attitude how absolutely disgusting he is. They can tell from his temper he's a piece of shit. Don Schumacher is a different story. That's straight up cold war Russian spy. Like how Robert used to be before he became a spoiled brat. Like Denise. All I'm good I'm a good person then when you close the office door. It gets dirty. Disgusting and terrifying. So. I didn't say anything. I asked him to leave me alone very nicely and calmly on Friday. I told the FBI that he needed to leave me alone and so several stood between me and him. Robert wanted to pick and fight so they did the whole thing. I don't like that shit. It's stupid. I'm not going to talk to an arrogant jerk. I'll win but goddam I'll get so exhausted I will cry. (Not with Don tho) I'm sick. I very very very sick. My kidneys are on their way out and I didn't even know. I just found out... I knew they were hurting but I thought it was something else entirely. So idk if we can reverse it or what. It explains why my metformin isn't being digested and shit out whole and why my insulin has spiked so much that if it doesn't go down they will put me on insulin shots. And then I can still have a seizure because the seziure medicine I'm on for my fibromyalgia doesn't cover the type of seizures that I have. Found that out about 12 hours ago. So really. I don't give a shit about stupid ass Robert Hight. So Saturday night he's prancing around like a peacock with a dildo shoved up his ass and his Gramma chained to it and shoving it in and out for him. And I just told him "you look fucking stupid and get your stupid fucking ass away from me because you're just looking stupidier by the second" So the FBI herded him away. I should not had had to say anything. Friday night it was an outright war with alot of people just getting between me and him. Until he came back and was actually a normal human being. Whether or not it was fake I don't even care. I'm just tired of people bothering me. Then I said "big deal. Dejoria broke 4.0 some one has to break the record. Someone has to. Anyone. Just so happened to be Robert. Big deal" I really don't care about racing. I could care more but I'm not there. I'm here. At my house. Where my kid bitches we don't have water. Where Alex's dog was brutally murdered in cold blood for no reason. Where my refrigerator my stupid ex-husband insisted on getting and I didn't want but got it because it made him smile doesn't work anymore. Where I can't get my kid's iron up high enough because she won't get off her period. So it's really difficult for me to care about some record. Maybe if I helped break it I would care. But I didn't. So I don't. Maybe I helped Robert want to be a real person because I wasn't afraid to tell him that I see through his lying and selfish ass. I don't know. I don't care. I have real shit to care about. Really shit that's a whole lot more important to me than some stupid ass NHRA extra cariccular activity that someone decided to make a career out of. I didn't decide that. Matt decided he wanted to race. He always loved cars. He was so excited when j got my driver's license. He loved every second of me driving. And racing trains by crossing in front of them. Waiting till they got as close as possible before I crossed the tracks. So that's Matt. That's what Matt decided to do with his life He also decided to care about farms and shit. Call me what you want but I care more about what a cow eats before I care about how fast a car can go. I think I could beat Robert Hight's record myself. I think Matt is an absolutely amazing driver. He is. It's not just me. He proves it. But I also see what he does wrong when h drives. I can be as good as him. I know can be better than him. I don't care about Robert. I admire Matt. I want to be better than him. I want to be better than John Force when he was running back to back champions. Matt gets all bugged cause John wears a white hat. Always. I'm all.leave him alone. He deserves that hat. If I was him, I'd want w fucking crown but I would settle for a white hat everyday. People tell that I'm the best they got. I tell them God help this planet because there's Gotta be someone better than me. I pray all the time that there's people better than me And that they stay that way and not because I get worse but because they keep getting better. So I don't feel bad for wanting to beat people I admire. So here's to you Robert Hight, I don't give a shit you won and you better leave me the hell alone or you're gonna get your ass beat in every single possible way in your life. If it make you feel better then congratulations, too. Because I'm not bothered by you. Just like someone beat Dejoria's 4.0 break. Someone will break the 3.7 and the 3.6 and I think it can get down to two point two. Then someone may eventually been beat that.

(ignore this, im doing the icky ranting thing again)

after thinking about everything i just wrote about their whole situation...

im actually pretty grapefruit that t&a and i have gotten to this point where nothing is really like.....confusing anymore? i think we are very much used to the way we act around and toward each other and it’s nice, you know? like we actually video chatted for a while today and though i kept getting annoyed with how much he kept saying he missed me, i figured after him saying it the fourth time when the conversation got quiet, he really meant it. he says a lot of things that make me stop in my tracks but i just assume he says them to everyone but at the same time idk. i just dont have the anxiety i had before of “OMG WHAT ARE WE, WHAT ARE WE?!” because now it just seems like since summer came along, we’re doing like LDR things and im enjoying the distance a lot. im not quite sure why im enjoying it but it’s nice to remember who i am without a boy around me to worry about. it just seems like im always on high alert when he’s around because he puts me in some different mind space that im not ever in. video chatting and calling me after seeing a movie he thought i would like is fine because i guess a part of me registers the fact that i cant make eye contact with him. 

eye contact with him is the most excruciating thing i have ever experienced honestly. it doesnt matter what context it’s in. it could be us arguing over what movie to watch and staring each other down until one of us gives in, or it could be when he does the thing just before he kisses me when he just.....stares. it’s painful. it’s like...and undressing of everything ive felt, feel, or will feel. i feel exposed. i dont like that. i like it.....but it’s frightening as hell. i let everything out in different ways like drawing or even writing things like this, just throwing everything somewhere else. but when he just looks....it’s like he’s taking it all from me and i have no control over where it’s going or what he’s going to do with it. i claim to know him but he’ll probably always know me better. im a creature of habit and so is he but his habits arent typical habits. mine are things like “get stop stepping on my white carpet with your shoes on” or waking up early and softly playing music to keep me company until he wakes up. his habits are....making entire trip plans and soon making me realize they’re all daydreams or....i dont know.....he puckers his lips in his sleep a bit. but otherwise, there’s no system...at least not a real one at that. the distance has really helped me avoid having to figure it out though. 

he’s truly an enigma, a real spawn of his father....which is definitely another worrying thing about him. he seems so unbothered by the things in the headlines and what not, crack jokes, laugh about it, what ever. until he’s at my door in the middle of the night because he needs to talk about things he cant get out of his head. he doesnt deserve to see these things but what can he do, you know? it’s easy to forget, until he does that smile. the same smile he smiled at me all those years ago when he decided spouting the foulest sentence to a (barely) teenager would be allowable by her mother. who knew he would be back in my life after making me so afraid of so many things. 

but he’s not him and im still working on realizing that. he’s nothing like him. he’s better than him. he’s caring, gentle, playful, and light. of course he can be clueless but is there a single boy who has a clue? he’s a puppy...and that’s all i see. when he falls asleep on a movie he picked and i feel his breath on my neck, he’s finally calm. nothing can bother him or excite him. god is he excitable...but so am i so it’s okay. but my goodness. but he smiles so big and bright, the smallest compliment i give him can carry him for days. he’s so cute, he writes them on sheets of paper and puts them in his wallet. seriously. i didnt know this and i dont think he knows that i know. it was open and some of his cards and stuff were out of the wallet on my floor one morning so i was going to put it on my desk next to his phone. but when i went to pick it up, all of these tiny sheets had things on them like “5/8: that’s my favorite shirt of yours” and “6/1: you have such a nice smile” like....i wanted to cry dude. these small itty bitty things...

it’s been an interesting time. especially when allen suddenly fell back into my lap, and that other guy from undie run....it just felt so wrong talking to the both of them for some reason. probably because they werent him idk. i dont feel like he has any sort of claim over me but i dont really feel the need to talk to any other guy. especially after talking to allen for literally three days, i wanted to fling myself off of a building. he talks about himself so fucking much. and it’s not like him just venting about things and saying what’s on his mind, it’s him literally making everything about him. and he’s so depressed and it made me realize that it was our mutual severe sadness that kept us together for fucking what? almost a year? he was my longest relationship and all that time, i couldnt see it? we were catching up and i was telling him about my hospitalization and wanting to die and he starts trying to make it some sort of competition and telling me about how many nights he’s drunk himself into oblivion and wanted to die and how he shouldve gone to the hospital, blah blah blah and um like *nervous laughter* okay. idk. it feels like you cant talk to him about shit. anything you say is a jumping off point for him to make it about him. i dont get him.

i mean, when we were together, everything seemed so amazing until i realized i couldnt keep going. im still not all that sure what happened but i just couldnt anymore. i remember that nights driving out to the causeway and watching the sun rise over the water or long conversations about nothing, ice cream (even though i hate ice cream), beach runs, i dont know. it just felt good to finally be with someone who was just as weird as i am. i thought i felt that with gunner until i realized he was a toxic piece of shit. how he would threaten to kill himself and then not answer his phone for hours knowing he was too far for me to get to him and then suddenly he’d pick up on the last ring like “haha yeah i just fell a sleep” like in hindsight, honestly, gunner might be responsible for like some of the emotional damage i have now. how he would tell me the color red looks terrible on me and that my legs are too long and that my nose was shaped weird, etc. but i didnt see how terrible these things that he was saying were. i just saw it as him being funny but like....he really fucked me up. 

but she was something completely different. i had hooked up with girls before but i had never wanted more before her. she was pure light. she always had something nice to say and was always so genuinely concerned. our playful banter was so fluid and perfect. i had no reason to believe i would ever want anyone else more than i wanted her. she was pure autumn. sweetness from her unique style to her adorable cats. looking back, she was almost a dream. it was strange to me because we were a whole country a part but things escalated like planning meet ups and what not and idk...maybe it scared me. maybe the way she made me feel scared me and i had to have some sort of way to push her back. i didnt want to deal with the emotions that came with giving all of me to her. she was too good for me and i’ll probably always regret how i left what he had to shrivel up. but it’s too late now and ive learned what i needed to learn from that. she taught me so much....especially about myself. my biggest regret will always be using him to get you away from me.

and now here i am. floating. i could mention max (bless him) or treyvon or terrell or lee but.....such short lived flings ended by trivial things....would they really matter. i dont even know why i wrote all of this honestly i think i was just trying to make myself get sleepy. i have class in the morning lmfao

Depression

Depression is something I’ve been dealing with for years. I never thought about it when I was younger, I truly thought I was the only person that felt the way I felt. The constant sadness even when nothing in particular happened recently, the poor eating and sleeping habits, crying myself to sleep every single night because I was finally alone and could let it happen. The fear that things will never get better, and my haunting past. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 17, and the doctor herself even said she was shocked because I was so functional. I went to school and kept my grades up, I played sports, played drums, and even had a full time job. Those were ALL distractions. I did truly love learning, though, and good grades were solely a reflection of my love of learning, not my discipline or guidance at home. I loved volleyball. I loved playing drums in the drum line, and granted I hated my job but who doesn’t hate working at McDonald’s? Once these activities finished and my day was complete, I would sit and cry.. for hours.. and hours.

     I was so distraught emotionally that there were times it physically hurt. It hurt to breathe, my chest would get tight, and my muscles ached. I got migraines often. I even had to go to the emergency room before because I was so stressed out, my heart wasn’t beating properly. There were times when the emotional pain and physical pain combined were literally paralyzing. My parents called me “lazy and defiant” when I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning. They called me a whore because I got a boyfriend who would pay attention to me because they wouldn’t. He wasn’t even a nice or good guy, but how would I know that when nobody ever showed or explained to me what is expected of a significant other? When my parents divorced when I was six, and my mom remarried an alcoholic drug addict who hadn’t worked in over 15 years? When my dad, the only reliable man in my life could barely remember how old I was? How was I supposed to know? 

     I try to find anything to blame my depression on. Oh, it’s probably genetic, I was bound for it before I was even brought into this world. Or maybe it’s the environment I’m in. You know, nurture vs. nature. In my case, it was both. I was already prone to it when I was thrown to the fucking foster care wolves. Growing up my entire life, I was surrounded by nothing but pure negativity. From a young age, I was told how horrible of a person my biological mother was, and I was taught to hate her. I was also taught that I was JUST like her. Growing up that was an insult, and in turn made me hate myself. My mom would scream in my face that I was “just like Christie” and “would never be anything more than she is”. I was told she didn’t love or care about me like a mother should. I was told she basically abandoned me and moved on to raise my little brother. This, for me, created not only abandonment issues but attachment issues as well. The way I looked at things was, shit, if my own mom can leave me, then anyone can. I attached myself and made myself vulnerable to all the wrong people, but could cut family off with no hesitation.I still act that way.  

     My parents were always so caught up in the high maintenance foster kids, or my stepdad was drinking until he blacked out and started saying shit he shouldn’t be saying and they would scream and fight. My mom would make me hide drugs and alcohol from her husband in my room at 14 years old. She dragged me into every adult situation I had no business being in and forced me to grow up way too fast. I was a caretaker for 6 or 7 other children, most of the time, illegally. I was a maid. I was a counselor to my mom. I was a chaperone to my stepdad. I was a nanny to my siblings. 

    My traumatic childhood mixed with harsh realities, tragedies, daddy issues. mommy issues, attachment issues, abandonment issues has made me into a woman that I am sometimes embarrassed to be. There are times when I AM TRYING TO LIVE MY LIFE and I can’t keep the tears in. My thought are deep, yet sporadic and negative. Today, I was feeling particularly down. I’m dealing with major relationship problems, family problems, and money problems. I decided to write some of my thoughts throughout the day to get them out of my head. On paper, I sound like a fucking crybaby but in my mind, I’m not just crying.....I’m screaming. I’m drowning but nothing around me will stop. In my head, I’m telling myself to pull it together, to keep a straight face. Don’t let your voice crack. Don’t let your face turn red. Don’t let anybody see you wipe that tear and definitely DO NOT let that tear fall all the way down your face. Here’s some of the thoughts I had today while I was trying to work:

“I want to go home and sleep forever. I have things to do. Things I WANT to do. They won’t get done.”

“The only thing that helps me think clear and calm is smoking weed. Everything makes sense... it makes me feel dependent though....”

“As bad as depression feels, sometimes it’s easier to succumb to the sadness. Let it take over. When you haven’t gotten enough sleep or simply don’t have the energy required to repress it, letting it eat me is easier.”

“Thinking of myself as ‘mentally ill’ is kind of embarrassing and a very hard reality.”

‘I wish I had someone who understood and could comfort me, instead of running from it or downplaying it bc they dont understand. But the guilt of putting that burden on someone else makes me feel so shitty I dont think I deserve anyone. I may just need to be alone forever.”

“I’m tired... and I’m tired of crying. I want to but it’s annoying. I can’t cry anymore.”

year started off AWEFULLL but at east i made itg through. I finally sat my ass down and wrote out all the goals i have for my physical appearance, mental, emotional and spirtual health and also habits i need to work on and prfect. its good cause saturn is in capricorn so the eneergy aligns a lot with what i have planned. i have a lot of opprotunities and goals to ccomplish and if 2017 taught me anything its that what i think about and say i want to do willbe given to me i just have to take the opprotunity. i just want to take all the things i learned last year and amp it up. i gotta really work on my self esteem and self worth like its def improved like im no longer as hard on myslf and i can finally be at peace with my body and self. i woke up really sa today i dunno if its the weather, the book i was reading or just missing jesus but idk i wrote sme sad oetry lmao and it made eme even sadder. it was good tho. i felt really nice to write in that style. thi year i cant wait for anyone to lov m ethe right way cause i gotta do it. ik thats like duh obious but here i am pinng after someone who i want to love me and i dcan’t eally do that. idk maybe im overthinking. no im not what am i talking about. this is how  feel. how special can someone be if there are others? not very lmao but it is w2hat it is you know? i can’t6 get too upset at anything because i aolready knew. iwell i should say my head knew but my heart was of course lost in her own fairytale but its to be expected. since december i cant6 shake the sadness. that dullness that i had before i met jesus is coming back but this time m not gonna fight it. ik its lonelinesss and like the che of comething missing.it just sucks cause hes my real first love. after we had the conversation about how you cant love more than one person then cause it makes the other love no real orwwhatever iwas relly careful around ohr men. whats crazy is as son as i was like no hes the only one worth waiting for so manypeople tried to come into my life. if i was back into the having fun with people i would hve entertained them but i was convinced i needed to turn all of them down. i mean i still hink it was the right move. sice i stopped fuking people my horniness has like buried itself and only came out with him which is fin e that was the plan. but idk after seeing how hut he was over that girl and knowing he loves it ws like hmm okay. i cant lie to mysel anymore. but like a part of me s like duh. you already kenw all of this. all the dreams and daydreams pretty much told me.  its funny cause my spreds alwys talked about letting go of a lover slowly. the death card. i always panicked like is that about him?? i dont want to let go noo!!!! but i dont think i have aa choie. idk tbh i just gonna wait and see. thats all i can do.  man emtios are wildddddddd. im feeling 1000 things and nothing at the same time.  idk idk idkall i want for 2018 is to achieve my goals and continue to level up. if that includs playing this love game with jesus then it does if it doesnt it does. man idk i hink i need to settle with thisemotion more. i just needed to spill things on my mind. whether all the thoughts ae valid or just worries and overthinking i wont know until i shake the feelihgs off. im also near my priod so i wouldnt be surprised if this is impacted by it as well. only time w2ill tell.  its reall weird to feel this empty again. but its not as bad as i remember it being. it really oes feel liie the ppixie world has taaken over the fairyworld.  i mean saturn is in capricorn so lmaoooo how fitting. 

Who am I ? [identity part 1]

Tell me who I’m supposed to be Make me better I can’t stay half way dead forever I fear now There’s not much left of me When you’ll take the sick away Who am I supposed so to be ?

Icon for Hire - Supposed to be

If you’re neurodiverse, you might have heard this more than once : “you’re not your [insert mental illness of your choice here]”. And you might have wanted to punch the person, but you didn’t because it’s something nice to say right ? So why does it fucking hurt so fucking much ? And why do people think it’s a good thing to say ?

Usually when we’re told this, it’s at time when our neurodiversity takes so much space that there is very little space for anything else. It’s very tough time, and we’re stuck in our sadness / delusion / pain / [insert your reality here]. So people are trying, sometimes very clumsily, to comfort us, and this sentence often pops up. And it makes as much sense as saying “fire burns, but you’re not the fire” to someone who just get caught in a fire. After the fire, the person has scars, it can be ugly, or very visible, and the person might live it badly. Would you tell them “you’re not your scars” ? Probably no. Because you know it’d be a useless thing to do. You’d check with the person if they want to find nice way to hide the burns, or to live with them in plain view, you would love them anyway, you would check with them how to properlys take care of the burn scars. Because the scar is a scar, and even if scars fade, they never go away. So you’d see how to help them live with it. Right ? 

Guess what, it’s the same for mental health. Because we know we are not out neurodiversity. We are way more, and we have to live with it. But it doesn’t mean it has no impact on who we are. On the countrary, it has a huge deep impact on us, on our life, and on our sense of self. 

I’m going to speak about what impact schizophrenia has on my sense of identity / self, but I think a lot of neurodiverse people might relate. 

I am not my schizophrenia, I know this. I know this so bad that when I was stuck in madness years ago, one of the thought that kept poping up was “I have to find a name for the madness, ‘cause if she has a name and it’s not mine, then we are not the same”. So... I know that. I’m not my schizophrenia but it has impact on my ability to communicate (and most of the time, not to communicate efficiently), on my ability to trust people around me, to work with them, to create relationship (we acknowledge with the therapist that schizophrenia was litteraly biaising EVERY relation I have and will have. How depressing is that ?), to meet people, to see me, to think, to sleep, to understand the world, to see and feel my body, my genre identity, my sexuality. Oh well, that covers basically any part of my life. In case you need something more concrete to understand where is schizophrenia is in my life :

-my PhD : I’m working on the interaction between language - voice - music - body. Which is perfect since I’m hearing voices who don’t speak but go through my blood and language is my only weapon against madness. So I’m way ahead neurotypical researchers. But it also means that sometimes it hits too close from home.  -academic life : you must sell yourself all the time, which is not easy when voices keep screaming and you want to delete everything you do once it’s done. You must learn to do things without being taught how to do that, which is not easy when you can’t understand an unspoken rule.  -meeting people : the way I speak = the way I think = reality. I don’t have this “moderation” stuff in my brain. Which means I can say things “coldly”. So, generally people I meet think I’m cold, unsensitive and dead inside (not really but English is lacking some incredible French words). So most of the time, I just shut up. -sex life : (because that’s one is fun....) I’m completely unable to have a representation of my body, which means I have no sex fantasy. Which mens you can’t flirt with me because I have no idea what I want or not, which means that if you try I’ll be just “euh... maybe ?” because flirting generally happens on a different moment than the sex moment so to my brain it doesn’t even make sense to answer flirting because it’s not a yes or no question because the moment will come later which means the answer might be different. 

etc etc Any neurodiverse person could do such a list (and maybe you should ask them to do so, so you could better understand what it means for them). But do you know what’s particularly funny with schizophrenia ? It’s a psychosis, but more precisely, a psychosis connected to the identity / personnality. Schizophrenia has often been confused with multiple personnality disorder because it means “broken mind”, but it’s not broken like “hey, now we’re two”, it’s broken like when there’s a crack on a glass (and here’s the tiltle of the blog ! almost two years after the beginning, now you know !). The glass still holds up, but there’s a crack in it. I don’t understand what “I” means. You may say it’s stupid, it’s a pronoun, so how could you not understand it ? On an intellectual level, I do. But on a personal level... “dafuq ?” Pronouns are used to stand instead of something else. Well, I have no idea what “I” stands for. I don’t know who is this I that keeps starting every single sentence I write or say. To me, I isn’t a pronouns, it’s something I create, and all the parts of myself are traveling inside this I. I is supposed to bring through life. I think it’s our fourst I... It’s nice, because it means I can start over and build a new one when needed. But it also means I have blood on my hand since I killed the others, someone has to do it. So my relation to myself can be quite violent... I is a thing I fix and break and fix again and break again... It’s like... if life was a video game and we’re playing the “identity level”, I would be playing in hardore difficulty. Because there are thoughts in my head that are not mine, the same head that I’ve watched rolling over the kitchen flour for hours once. I can’t stand a mirror because I dont know who it is. Photography can be hard for that too. I’m overcontroling anything I say or do, just to be sure I did it. Basically, on a daily basis, I feel like I’m living with a stranger. Except that this stranger is me, my body, and mind. I’m a clandestine passenger in my own life, body, mind.  So I am not my schizophrenia, but my schizophrenia defines me, at least partly. Just like I’m not my parents, but the choices they made in my education define me. I’m not what the bullies said but baving been bullied defined me too. I’m not my ex-boyfriend but what happened with him will define a part of my future relationships (if they ever happen). I’m not my PhD advisor, but the way she guides defines a part of my PhD, which defines a part of me. So maybe we all got that wrong. Maybe it’s not a matter of whether I’m my schizophrenia or not, maybe it’s more how many things define me. The more items on the list, the more I get close to “me”. 

Identity is hell for a lot of us, neurodiverse or neurotypical, in a way or another. Because we are so much and so little in the same time. But you can’t list ALL of the items to anyone you meet, not even to yourself. So you have to chose. But how ? Does your job define you more than the delicious cookies you baked to please your friend ? Does your mental / physical illness define you more than the books you wrote ? How can you be so sure that all of these items are so independant when YOU are the connection between them ? 

According to me, it’s more a matter of choice. We chose which items are important in this life long list of things. It’s scary, choice is always scary. It implies responsability. But it also means that we can change anytime we want or need. It’s possible that one day, my schizophrenia defines me way more than days where I’ll be defined by my love for linguistic or metal music. If we can chose, it also means that you can’t tell a neurodiverse person that they are not their neurodiversity, because you have no fucking idea and it’s not yours to chose for them. Because, maybe at that moment, they feel like it’s the item which most defines that and YOU have to accept that. So if you want to say something, maybe go along the line of “you are not reduced to it” or “you are a lot of other things too”. For some of us, our neurodiversity will last all of our life. Whether we want / like it or not, it’s going to be part of our life until life is over. Therefore, it will have more impact on our identity than that one job we took during several months or even years : because it will last forever, because it has impact on every part of our lives... and also because most of people won’t get that. 

Once someone corrected me and said “no, you’re not schizophrenic, you have schizophrenia”. I think it was very well intentioned, but it was fucking violent. I use “be” because in French you can’t use “have” with schizophrenia. So it’s a habit I have. But also because “have” implies that I could not have it. It’s not a choice I have. So “be” seems truer : I am schizophrenic, and it’s ok, because I also am a writer, a translator, an interprete, a PhD student, a theatre nerd, a metalhead, an otaku, a rain walker, a friend, a sister, a non-binary person, a feminist, a teacher, a book worm, a cat human, a shitty pun maker, a homemade linguist, AND SO FUCKING ON. So i want to be able to say I AM schizophrenic because it’s true, and it will probably be forever true, so I need to be just an item on a never ending list of items I used to build this I (which may be one day the last I’ll have to create...). 

Don’t correct your friend when talk about their neurodiversity and how it defines them or impact on their life. They know better than you, it might just be hard to put it into word. Listen, understand their choice, respect it. You’ll earn a lot by doing so : the trust of your friend, but also the right to define yourself the way you want, with the items you wanted and chose. Neurodiverse persons are often refused the right to choose for themselves : their life, their will and ambition, how to treat their need, but also the way they talk about themselves and define themselves. As a neurotypical person, you may have never experienced that, so just imagine a few seconds : we meet, you start introduce yourself and then I interrupt you “no, you can’t like this thing, not with hair like that ! people with those hair don’t do that !” And everyone you’ll meet after me will react just the same until we all proved you that no, you couldn’t like this thing, not with that kind of hair. That’d be silly right ? Well, that’s what the world does to us, and not always with violent ways, more often, it’s more subtle things, like people wanting to comfort you with the wrong words.  That’s what the world does to us all the time. It silences a lof of people with anxiety and self-esteem issues. It fucks up people’s brain like me, since we already have huge issues defining ourselves, it just makes it worse because it takes us years to come up with such things, and it can be destroyed in just a second. 

If schizophrenia doesn’t define me, someone took the opportunity of a psychotic episode to rape me, how is it for defining life experience ? It broke the fragile limits I was building for years. This I was getting better and better. We had to kill it because it couldn’t survive... and now we’re starting over. And I’m left alone at night wondering : what the worst part, being schizophrenic or a rape survivor ? in my case, is it so difference ? And I’m struggling because I have no answer, I have no idea how to choose. And it doesn’t feel like there is enough place on this body to keep both. But once again, it’s not really like I have a choice. (so I get we should build this new I bigger ?? ...) 

And this, this is why at the moment, I think it should be important that people know I’m schizophrenic, because I’m going through a time of my life where it has a huge and deep impact on everything I do, feel and think. I know it hasn’t always been the case, so I have hope it won’t last forever. But for now, this is a huge part of who I am, at least until I got everything back under control. 

This is what your friend is telling you when they say they have depression / PTSD / bipolar or any other diagnosis : at the moment, this is a huge part of who I am. It may change a day, and if so, they’ll let you know. In the meantime, see what they can’t see anymore, and bring it back to their mind, see their light behind the darkness, and don’t get offended if they can’t see it themselves, it will take time. But they have to follow their own path. Remember the last time you were very very sad. Would it have helped if someone had come to you and say “you’re not your sadness !” ? Would it have comforted you in any way ? No. Probably no... you would have wanted the person to acknowledge your pain and hang out with you and hug or say silly things right ? Guess what ? We want the same thing. That should make things easier to understand right ?

I realise this article is already so fucking long and I didn’t talk about the last thing about identity and mental illness : why is it so hard to let this painful things stop defining us ? It’s already so long and I should be working (because remember, I’m also a teacher...), so next time I guess !

Take care of you, and keep listening to one another. 

22/11/2017

Back to our regular programming. After some time off from writing in here, and i mean time off like i think the last time i wrote in here was over 4 months ago. During that time i havent felt that i needed to write anything, the thought crossed my mind atleast once a fortnight but i never strongly needed to write something down not because life was cruisey but just because i was dealing with everything as it came. But i now sorta start to feel that a journal shouldnt just be when i need to vent my fraustrations out on the world. It should be a weekly thing of what im thinking feeling, new ways of looking at things, just so i can look back and track my progress over the years. I decided against looking at when i last posted i know its been a while but i felt that in doing so would make me want to change what im writing now. Similar to the observer effect i guess. Anyway i have decided that every wednesday i will write in here until i get sick of doing so and “publish” my work. Just so i have a set day and get into a habit of writing instead of just when i needed to. But enough of the monologue lets get into what happened over the time i had stopped writing in here. Over those roughly 3 motnsh ive reconnected with cousin chels, got one of those big regrets out of my vault which is the first time mentioning this i think, so your vault is where you keep all your big bads, your regrets your shame etc. Anyway with that out of the vault and me basically apologizing i do feel better about how much of a dick i was, but in saying that as i told her i dont feel bad about my actions cos i can see her and know the influence i had in her life a quote i saw recently said “youre a villan in someone elses story” which i believe i was one in hers, but in doing so, in fighting the hero countless times and her being able to get up and sitll smile and be kind. Sure shes a bit bitchy but who wouldnt be this day and age. Um lets see what else major happened, oh spoke to papa goss for the first time since probably since the last time wrote in this? longer probably, anyway he was giving me lectures and just being a a parent really but i kinda snapped at him calling him out, like if he wanted to lecture me and tell me how i should live my life than shit son maybe you should be apart of it ya bastard. but thats just how i feel, obviously still love him but fuck man he could try a bit better especially with my younger brother. But at the end of the day he has taught me both that he knows and doesnt know he has, from his example i feel i am a better man, and not out of hate or spite but i enjoy being better than him, not only for my family and friends but for all of humanity, his examples have basically shown me not what to be and his good examples i have also taken away from, so he is at the end of the day, a good teacher whether he means to be or not. Another thing, my friend circle has shifted i mean shit it always is but now taht i look at who i have around me i am happy with it, theyre all good and would help me out when i need them and vis versa. Ive been laughing more than i was at the start of the year i believe. Just cos i feel im happy with where life is. Speaking of where life is ill be moving out by the middle of next year, excited for that,not because i WANT to move out, but its a goal for me to move towards and itll be with beanyo and pothead. I mean it had to happen at some point but i feel like its the right direction i should head in. Ill be working while getting centos while studying, so finding that balance will have the utmost importance. Lastly something that happened just recently, ive noticed how hopeful i am with people and events, i may be an atheist but i do have faith things will work out. Which apparently shines through from what ive been told. I have hope that my friends will make the right decisions and change their fututre, i have hope that my fututre will turn out right and i ave hope that life will continuously improve for not only me but everyone i care about aslong as its worked for, thats the law of equivalent exchange. I am feeling like Hope Burns Bright.