Happy soft sub Saturday!

So, on my [redacted] rewatch of OFMD, I noticed that the cadence when Ed says "and tonight I'm supposed to kill... you" and when he says "what makes Ed happy is... you" is the same. The movement of his head is the same, the moment when he looks at Stede is in the same place in the phrase.

DJenks talked that one time about how he actually thinks the bathtub scene is the most intimate scene in the show, how these two people who are so closed off from others sit there and open themselves up to each other for the first time, and how beautiful that is. And I think Ed is confessing the same thing in both these moments.

Now, hear me out. They sound like opposite confessions, right? "I was trying to kill you" vs "I love you". But they're both saying "I love you". It's just in different ways.

"Love of a pet makes a man weak."

"You don't belong in doggy heaven."

I couldn't do it. I was weak. I love you and it made me weak.

By episode 9, by "what makes Ed happy is you", it's changed, but it's not the opposite. It's not 'I love you and it made me strong'.

It's 'I love you and it set me free'.

In the bathtub, Ed is confessing it like a crime. On the beach, he confesses it like a truth. It's such a beautiful development.

If there's one thing that's true about Ed Teach, it's that he's going to find himself a nice blanket to hide under when he's upset.

Nighttime

The Gentleness of Gentlebeard

The contrast in the sound and meaning of the doors in the bathtub scene in 1x6 is such a small moment that offers a huge emotional punch.

The first is of pain, of leaving, Ed's dad slamming the door closed, as he moved away from his family.

The second is of hope, of returning. It's Stede breaking down the door TO GET to Ed and take care of him.

These sounds are back to back, and while slightly different, offer such a contrasting sensation and emotion to Ed and the audience.

Ed is rendered mute as a kid from the trauma and while adult Ed is following in his footsteps, locking and hiding himself away and becoming as small as he can, while covering himself up with something soft, this time it's different.

This time the sound of the door is of someone coming to him, to comfort him, not to hurt him. He uses Stede's robe to cover himself in a sense of security and now that security has broken down a door out of worry for him, asking if he's all right. You can hear after each noise, Ed trying to steady his breathing.

Ed immediately speaks, telling him the truth. Something we learn later is a dark secret he's kept, and only now tells another soul.

One door offers pain and the other hope. Stede has always been Ed's hope and this is one of the loudest (literally) signs of it.

you wear fine things well is of course a scene about realising you’re in the middle before you knew you’d begun. it’s about realising that tenderness and earnestness is not lost to you. it’s about realising that there’s still desire in you, maybe even for you, and for you, not for the face you put on, not for the mask you hide behind. 

stede pays such careful attention to ed in this scene. he understands what ed needs to hear - that he’s very sophisticated, that he’s not incapable or incompetent at being what he’s so badly wanted to be. and it’s important that this happens right after stede’s act of protection and vengeance aboard the french ship. it shows ed that he’s not so different from stede. stede is not all tenderness, just as ed is not all violence. and now ed knows that stede knows this, the same way ed knows this. 

it puts them within reach of each other, and ed realises it. that’s why he steps forward, steps in. because he can. he can be vulnerable. and that’s why it’s still  okay when stede misses the cue - because his vulnerability is met with stede’s gentleness. he’s cared for, even if stede isn’t ready to and maybe doesn’t realise it’s even an option to reach back. he’s protected, even though he’s vulnerable. it’s safe. 

how rare that must be for ed. for blackbeard. to be safe. to let himself have the vulnerability without someone trying to use it against him later. and stede doesn’t. stede sees that vulnerability, and he folds it up gently and tucks it into a safe place. he sees it, and he cares for it. absolutely incredible. 

Blackbeard doesn't feel fear

companion to

Thinking about how few shits Stede gives about the distress of the crew really makes the bathtub scene hit even fucking harder like Lucius keeled over in front of him and he was just annoyed fuckery rehearsal was interrupted but Ed has a flashback and panics and he breaks open his own fucking door and sinks to his knees beside him and says Ed’s name in the tenderest voice and I am oN fIrE

Oh you’re dying Lucius? Inconvenient and rude. Ed is upset?!?! Fuckery, what fuckery ARE YOU OK EDWARD would you feel better if I tell you that you’re good at maiming people please don’t cry I’ll forgive you for planning to murder me I’ll do anything to stop you looking so desperately sad let me just touch you gently let me make it better

I know the actual Doylist explanation for him running around dressed like that is “it’s funny” but I want people’s theories on the Watsonian explanation.

Ok I want to say something about episode 10 and Stede’s ‘selfishness’ (and why Stede left - spoiler alert: it’s trauma). I put selfishness in quotes because I completely understand how and why he is interpreted that way, but I don’t think that selfish is quite the right way to describe it in this instance: I’m not saying that Stede isn’t selfish at all, I just don’t think it’s an accurate explanation of his actions in the moment.

Stede has been taught by years and years of bad experience that he is the problem. He doesn’t fit in with the other pirates, which is expected because of the class divide/his privilege. But he also doesn’t fit in at all with his own class either. As a kid, he was relentlessly bullied for being different. All we ever hear from his father is criticism. He never fits in with his family(pre-running away): in the dinner table scene, his only comment is immediately met with an awkward silence before they move on, completely ignoring him (this scene hit hard because I’ve had people react that way to me way too often and it fucking hurts). Stede also says in ep 5 “I was never really good at these things,” when talking about the party - the typical way of interaction for his class, and it is VERY clear throughout that episode that he is not ‘one of them’ by the way he is treated by them. There is not a single time in his old life where he is accepted for who he is.

Now let me tell you from experience, years and years of being lonely and unwanted, never fitting in, no matter how hard you try, does not do good things to your mental state. I feel like this especially applies to autistic people (and I definitely read Stede as autistic btw), as often it’s not even like we can change anything and magically be liked. You learn that YOU are the problem, it’s always YOUR fault. This, my friends, leads to a shit ton of crippling self hate.

So really, it’s no wonder that what Chauncey says really gets to him. His view of himself is so skewed by his past trauma that he cannot see himself as anything other than the monster Chauncey makes him out to be. Stede absolutely loves Ed. He cares about him so much, and wants Ed to be happy, so he does what he thinks is right - he leaves. He thinks so terribly of himself that he is convinced that his mere existence is ruining Ed’s life. Therefore, he thinks that the only way to ensure Ed’s happiness is if he is not there. (It’s heartbreaking to be honest. This poor man needs a hug so bad)

Stede leaves because he genuinely believes that Ed is better off without him. This was not a selfish decision: Stede isn’t putting himself above Ed, it’s actually the other way around. We know that Stede doesn’t want to return to his old life. He was utterly miserable all the time and he was so lonely. The only time that he is truly accepted by others without judgement is once he’s met Ed. Why would he want to give that up, especially after a lifetime of bullying? He doesn’t. But because he cares so much about Ed’s happiness, he does what he is convinced is the best thing - he leaves. The issue isn’t that he doesn’t care about Ed’s needs, it’s that he cares, but he’s so traumatised that he is wrong about what those needs are.

get your tissues, it’s cancer season babyyyy

Where the Daylight Begins - Chapter Seven

A modern AU featuring a pining Ed, a clueless Stede, found family, roughly a million animals, and a very magical house. I hope it makes you feel like you are being wrapped up in a big, gay hug. Written as a follow up to The Merry Strays of Lighthouse Sanctuary, but it’s not strictly necessary to read that first. Read the most recent chapter here, or start from the beginning here.

A million thanks to @margotandthefox, @monksofthescrew, and @blakbonnet for their feedback and encouragement. You make magic happen. And also a HUGE thank you to @haflacky for the glorious art.

~*~

"Oh, like Truth or Dare? I'd love that," said Wee John. "Tell me: fire. Strictly off limits, or are we willing to have a little fun with it?"

"I was thinking something more like charades, but good to know where our heads are at," said Stede. He sighed. "I suppose a face mask wouldn't hurt. I feel like my face has aged a decade since Alma and Louis have seen me last. Might restore a bit of my youth."

"Aww, come off it," Ed said. "Not a bloody thing wrong with your face."

Nine wide-eyed faces turned to stare at him. 

"Well, there isn't," Ed said. "Now, what were you saying about nail polish?"

chapter one | chapter two | chapter three | chapter four | chapter five | chapter six | chapter seven

Just throwing another spanner into the angst machine because I love your long pots lol.

Do you think Stede doesn't open up to Ed about his traumas because he probably thinks Ed wouldn't love him anymore if he did??

oh, why thank you, darling anon! that's so very sweet of you. but also-

hhhHHHHNGKDFGLJKLFGHDJKLFD. PAIN. PAIN AND SUFFERING LMAO. 🎵EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNNNING🎵 IS NO LONGER ACCURATE I GUESS.

*laying face down on the ground for the Umpteenth Time* but sure yeah anon let's boogie-

I think that's definitely part of the equation, yes. But I also think a large part of it is the fact that he's basically been conditioned to hide his vulnerability away from a very young age. When he was a child, he was mocked relentlessly for being softer or showing his emotions in a way that was unacceptable/unconventional from a masculinity standpoint. He was even slapped with the nickname "Baby Bonnet" for said vulnerability.

Not only that, but his own father disapproved of his softness too. Calling him "lily-livered" is calling him weak and cowardly. And he had it drilled into his skull that that's "all he would ever be," and that it was a bad thing to show any sort of soft underbelly.

And it didn't even end there! Those phantoms chase him all the way into adulthood. There are so many instances of people making digs at him for crying, or for being "weak," or for being "cowardly." Like lol lord; the pilot lays it all on super thick. He's just constantly surrounded by the narrative that opening up spells pain and suffering for him. There's no safety in opening up.

And so he hides away. Numerous times throughout the series, he isolates himself to cry. Numerous times throughout the series, he shoves his own problems down to address other issues first. He experiences so many situations where it would be more than appropriate for him to react with weepiness or anything equivalent, but he swallows it all down.

Not to mention, that he's very set on helping others. He puts other's needs before his own. And I think that's a classic sign of emotional neglect; giving others the treatment you wish you had gotten. ((...nOT THAT I'D KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT HSDKSHLK))

ALSO, I think that's why he has so many issues with self-worth and his own masculinity. It plays into why he flies off the handle in episode 6 into episode 7. He thinks he has to perform a certain kind of way. He thinks he's not worthy of respect or recognition unless he conforms to those societal standards. He thinks no one will regard him unless he's "strong," or "ruthless," or "hardened." Which, again, is why I think the way he acts in season 2 is very much in-character for him. Heartbreaking, and very difficult to stomach, but in-character all the same. It's not him. It's never been him. But he thinks it should be.

AND YES, it definitely plays into his relationship with Ed too, which makes me want to just start foaming at the mouth and biting at his ankles. Because like...he's so wrapped up in those painful expectations that he's totally blind to the fact that Ed loves him for who he actually is. Ed fell in love with the silly little guy who had so many trinkets, clothes, and books. Ed fell in love with silly little guy who was so different than all the other pirates around them. Ed fell in love with the silly little guy who read his crew bedtime stories, and went on treasure hunts, and swapped out books in raids as opposed to just outright stealing.

Ed loves his sweet, fantastic, simple goldfish. And Stede doesn't even see that yet.

Season 2 makes it very clear that Stede thinks he has to shove all of that down even around Ed. Like, the dream sequence in the first episode? He dreams of himself being masculine, hardened, and ruthless, killing in coldblood and subsequently "winning" Ed. Again, that's who he thinks he has to be, and that's who he thinks Ed wants. Why would Ed want someone who's softer and loves extravagance? Why would Ed want someone who picks flowers and stops to appreciate the simpler things? Why would Ed want someone who sobs about his past?

No one else does.

I'm sorry, there's a fic where Stede literally introduces Ed to the concept of bathing in warm water? And using washcloths?? And I knew this fandom was racist (because the world we live in is racist) but goddamn.

You think this man? Who arranged for this kind of entrance? Doesn't know how to groom himself???