#basically he’s a little bit fucked up
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i am SO curious about what horrors saffron went through-- the post you made abt your first and most recent drawing of him is so intriguing esp bc i keep seeing the progression on my timeline
(idk if you've already talked about saffron's story, so sorry if you have! and no worries about answering if it's a personal oc story you dont want to share beyond what you already have with your art!)
Oh I can go ahead and share no problem!
Back when we first started the campaign, Saffron was an archfey warlock under Titania of the summer court which is why his powers were so nature oriented. He was also a joke character who followed the “flirty asshole tiefling” archtype which lasted like 1 and a half sessions. Most of his plot in the 1st and 2nd arc was him realizing and struggling through the abuse Titania put on him, ESPECIALLY in arc 2 where she started fucking with his magic. On top of this we have the party dynamic- almost constantly falling apart and getting into disagreements once we hit end of the 1st arc. During that he was also being forced by Titania to collect info on the magic users to use against them. Finally there’s Klaus- an Owlin barbarian who Saffron feels extremely close to who kept throwing himself in danger, often times for Saffron’s sake, and refusing Saffron’s claims that he wasn’t a monster and to stop. All together a fairly rough time.
What started the spore bit was a deal he made with a nothic, who agreed to give him info on his past (he’s got amnesia due to the unknown amount of time in he spent in the feywild) in exchange for some of his magic. It almost killed him but he made it, got some fairly useless info and a black streak in his hair. Later the next day he had a lovely encounter with Titania which resulted in him getting his magic snatched for a bit and revealed their dynamic to the rest of the party (I’ve been posting this sketch from that scene a lot but I don’t think I ever put an explanation around it)
Cut forward to last session. Saffron had talked to the Mother of Rot earlier when he had accidentally caused a tree to rot, and Klaus had attacked a fellow party member due to hallucinations. I failed a wisdom saving throw and got Saffron locked in a partially Titania-induced mindset and he was headed out to talk to her, saw Klaus, and they got into quite possibly the worst argument anyone in the party has had yet. Failed another wisdom saving throw and Saffron attacked him. Titania ended the fight by burning Klaus’ back off and Klaus subsequently stabbing her, Saffron snapped out of the mindset and used his silly little rot powers to keep her from healing. Their connection was severed and the contract was broken.
To sum it up- he’s lost all his previous powers aka the thing that Titania did to remind him he’s useless without them, he’s lost the 2 people he’s every loved romantically (Titania’s hunting him for sport, Klaus hates his guts and is romancing another Owlin), his memories are starting to come back in the worst ways, he’s despised by 3/4ths of the team, one of his major character points is his fear of death and he’s got a NECROMANCY CLASS, he is under the power of yet another big magic lady bc his new ties to the unseelie court which he’s always known as evil, and, like previously stated, he’s being hunted for sport by his ex who is considered the most powerful being in the Summer Court.
He’s a bit fucked rn
#saffron#I tried to make this as short as possible#but good god#it’s a lot#not even gonna touch on the”your mind is not your own ” trauma#or the extent of his emotional abuse#or his objectification and alienation in the feywild#basically he’s a little bit fucked up
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love fics where Danny ends up in the DC universe & every alarm goes off at once & the magic users are like "yeah that's the most powerful being in the universe & also possibly super evil we are FUCKED fucked" & the Justice League is freaking tf out trying to find this thing that casually tore a hole in reality & it just cuts to Danny (Fenton) standing in the background blissfully unaware & like "man my life sucks but at least i have this candy bar—" *drops it in a puddle*
#danny phantom#dc x dp#dp x dc#sorry it's 7am i havent slept & all i can think about is dp shit#so a normal day for me basically#you know that ''oh hes fucked up actually'' meme?#i like to view Danny as that but opposite. ''oh he's normal actually''#i think that is underutilized. Danny just being some kid#his life is insane & he has superpowers & is half dead & his parents are ghost hunters & his house is a lab#but underneath it all he really is just some kid#okay so this has gotten almost 300 notes in less than 12 hours so i need to say something#Danny being a little bit pathetic is key here#the others can view him as some super powerful god king. he can even look like it. but he HAS to be a little pathetic & even a bit stupid#he HAS to accidentally drop that candy bar & it HAS to land directly in some dirty street puddle#& he has to stand there for a minute just staring at it before picking it up phasing the water off & sighing so dejectedly#it rattles his lungs like he's about to cry & then he eats it anyways because that boy will eat anything#& all he had with him when he fell through that stupid portal was this candy bar Tucker threw at his head 2 seconds prior#so really he doesn't have anything else to eat at the moment#& then Batman is there#whipping the adoption papers out of his cape & choking out ''god i can't NOT adopt him'' or whatever
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#was looking for some fics with these two#I imagine this is one of their first interactions and Hunter is already fed up with Darius#but Darius is just trying to get to know the successor of his mentor and check if he's at least a little bit capable of doing his job#he's also a little weirded out by the similarity between these two#basically I imagine Darius gave him a couple of vibe checks that Hunter had failed#and Hunter takes it as questoning his place in the coven#god darius design is so pink and awful#it's so jover uni starts tommorow#it's like the most boring drawing ever but I'm just still in my I have to get better at backgrounds era#and also if I'll draw 100 awful things I get a decent one eventually#it's like inktober but lasts your whole life and devours your soul in the process#no caption just pure tags now I understand those few people who keep reblogging all my tags cuz I give all the fucking context there#there's probably like 10 things I would spot tommorow that would fix the drawing a whole bunch but I just ...don't want to ig#the owl house#sheerak#the golden guard#darius deamonne#hunter toh#toh hunter#hunter deamonne#toh fanart#the owl house fanart#dadrius#not yet but#you guys most fellow toh fanartists moved on and fanart fiona and cake but I keep brainrotting the same stuff over and over#good old toh trashpile
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Killua and the Power of Wishes
Okay going to try and make this coherent because the amount of wish association all through Killua's character development makes me want to chew plaster.
As a fair warning, this analysis ended up being long as hell, and I didn't even include everything I could've said. This is also just one lens to analyze Killua's story arc with, and I feel there are other valid interpretations of some of these moments. This is just one of mine, so keep that in mind please.
One last warning that this analysis does discuss emotional manipulation and abuse, as is par for Killua's background.
Let's set the stage with one important piece of info: Killua's birthday.
Killua's birthday is July 7th, the same day as Tanabata. Tanabata is a folklore-rich festival where according to legend, the two lovers, weaver Orihime and cowherd Hikoboshi, represented by the two stars, Vega and Altair, are allowed to reunite once a year after separation. A popular custom of Tanabata is to make wishes by writing them down on tanzaku, then hang it on a bamboo tree so that the wish might one day come true.
Tanabata is also known as the Star Festival. Please keep this in mind, because I'm going to come back to it.
To finish setting up the lens for this analysis, I'm going to need to dig into the game-changer scene for Killua's early characterization - his confrontation with Illumi at the end of the Hunter Exam, and specifically, the exact nature of Illumi's manipulation of him.
I say "game-changer" because it really is - up until this point, it's kind of fair to not fully know what to think about Killua. Certainly, he seems excited to hang out with Gon (he approached him first, after all) and he's friendly enough, but he's also arrogant and claims to be motivated mainly by boredom. For all intents and purposes, Killua seems set up to be Gon's dangerous yet charismatic rival... but then this scene happens and it completely turns it all on its head.
Because Killua may have mentioned his family was controlling before, but he seriously downplayed the severity of it - likely because he has no point of reference for how awful his situation actually is other than it makes him feel bad and trapped. Illumi's appearance immediately shifts our understanding of Killua from runaway murder kid with annoying murder family to straight-up victim of emotional abuse, and dissolves his cockiness instantly to terror.
What does all this have to do with wishes? Glad you asked. Let's look at some of Illumi's dialogue.
[ID: A screenshot from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. Killua looks up, sweating and conflicted, as Illumi tells him "You don't want anything or wish for anything." End ID.]
This is the crux of Illumi's (and the family's) control. Killua's desires do not align with the family trade. They must be excised from him.
When Killua insists that he does have something that he really wants, Illumi says "Tell me what it is you want", in a mockery of a certain other sibling who would have helped fulfill this wish - Illumi asks only so he can completely dismantle it. And Killua isn't even really surprised at Illumi's words, just heartbroken. You can tell this isn't the first time this sort of thing has happened.
Killua states his wish quite fervently; he really means it. But his words are not rebellious, nor cathartic. Instead, he answers Illumi quietly, as if fearful or ashamed, almost reminiscent of a sinner's confession.
[ID: Two screenshots from HxH episode 20 of the 2011 anime. In the first Killua looks down with a troubled expression, saying "I want to become friends with Gon...". In the second, his face is hidden as he stands with hands clenched at his sides with a spotlight on him. He says "I'm sick of killing people..." End ID.]
It's such an innocent, simple want.
And Illumi proceeds to make him feel like even something so simple is harmful and selfish of him... not to the family, but to Gon.
In a matter of a few minutes, Illumi breaks down Killua's wish by:
Acknowledging this desire, but twisting it into something that will inevitably fade over time, thereby causing Killua to doubt his own conviction and feelings -> "Gon is a novelty, a radiant presence who has piqued your curiosity. No more than that."
Acknowledging that Gon is someone important to Killua, and undermining this by telling him that by his very nature, he will eventually bring harm to Gon, which makes him feel as though Killua cannot trust himself to be a good friend -> "If you try to be friends with him, you will one day want to kill him... because you are, by nature, a murderer." (As a... delightful... bonus, this is also apparently how Silva and Illumi justify their treatment of Killua to him - "This is the essence of your existence and we taught you accordingly." Like they adapted to Killua's nature, instead of them molding Killua into who they wanted him to be.)
Delivering an ultimatum - to fight Illumi and win, or else Gon will die - that Killua is doomed to fail due to his upbringing and the needle in his head. Since Killua doesn't know about the needle, he assumes this is his own personal failure, something Illumi feeds into -> "You're just not qualified to make friends."
And it's the last point that breaks him. The first two shoot down Killua's present wish, but the last proceeds to shatter any hope he might've had of wishing for anything similar in the future - he has told him that his desires are weak, temporary, inherently dangerous to those around him, and worst of all, aren't enough on their own for him to deserve friendship and love from others. And the clincher: Killua feels like all of this is his own fault, that there is something inherently dangerous and wrong with him!
So, it doesn't even matter to Killua anymore if he fails the Hunter Exam. To him, he just failed the only test that mattered.
10/10 manipulation, Illumi. Fuck you, seriously.
Killua's character arc is mainly his quest and struggle to refute Illumi's arguments and to shake off the manipulation and the ways in which his family have molded and controlled him. And by far, the most difficult part of his conditioning to shake off is this idea that he is undeserving of anything more than what he is already given.
It's almost like the family has drilled it into him that wishes are dangerous. How interesting.
Thankfully, however, there are two parties to Killua's wish here - Gon, too, is a part of it, and it is not simply his reciprocated desire to be Killua's friend that saves him, but also his recognition of Killua's situation for what it is (notably, when no one else correctly identified the true issue).
"You know it wasn't his choice. You manipulated him, kidnapping his spirit!"
The ensuing Zoldyck family arc emphasizes that Gon is 100% correct: the main hold Killua's family has on him isn't physical - it's all emotional.
Killua breaks one of his shackles when Milluki threatens to have his new friends killed, but he only breaks the rest when Zeno tells him he's free to go. So, if Killua could break loose at any point, was this still a rescue like Gon said?
Well, yes - just because he absolutely could've broken out physically at any time, that does not mean he could just leave. That's the nature of situations such as this - it's not as simple as "just leaving". Support is necessary, as is actually having something tangible outside the situation to go to - otherwise there is little point to leaving at all. Gon (and Kurapika and Leorio) showing up to free Killua showed him that his wish was reciprocated and allowed him to break one cuff - this is the start of his journey, but he still has a long ways to go. Notably, he again hesitates and closes off when Silva asks what he wants.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 42. In the first, Silva asks Killua "...would you like to see [Gon]?" Killua's expression is complicated in the next panel - he's closed off and uncertain. Silva continues "Be honest, Kil... what do you want?" End ID.]
Killua will backtalk and casually break his shackles and death glare his family... but he's too fearful to voice his wants aloud.
And once again, asked by his father what he wants, he is subtly set up to fail. His wish is granted, but made conditional - "Do not betray your friends", something Killua is regrettably set up to do by virtue of the needle in his head that he, again, doesn't know about. Silva fully expects him to fail and come back home, disillusioned, believing it's his own fault due to his "nature", and trusting in Silva still as a "reasonable" figure in his life.
This condition placed on his friendship is what drives much of Killua's fear and insecurity with regards to Gon for much of the series - the idea that Killua has to earn his right to friendship, and that if he doesn't, he will lose it, one way or another.
It really makes me wish that Killua had actually gotten to hear Gon's views on friendship from the beginning of the Zoldyck Family arc, because it entirely refutes this entire philosophy. He even outright refuses to go through the Testing Gates at first, purely because he thinks the sentiment of needing to prove yourself just to be friends is completely outrageous - he only relents because there is no other way.
[ID: Two screenshots from episodes 21 and 22 of the 2011 HxH anime adaptation. Gon looks up at Illumi and firmly states "[Killua] doesn't need to earn the right to be my friend!" In the second, Gon's face is seen in profile and close up as he asks "Why would you test your friends?" End ID.]
I doubt it would've truly prevented Killua's insecurity from manifesting even if he had heard this, to be honest - his issues with usefulness are very deep-rooted in his upbringing - but still, it would've been nice for him to hear, I think.
However, that's not to say that this exact sentiment doesn't come through in their interactions.
Gon, as Killua's friend, cares about what Killua actually wants and wants to make sure Killua knows that - and that's part of what makes the Whale Island conversation between them really important.
[ID: Two images, both of the same scene from HxH chapter 64, and episode 37 of the 2011 anime. In the manga panel, Gon has turned his head to look at Killua directly, who looks shocked and taken aback, to say "I like hanging out with you." In the anime screenshot, Gon has turned his whole body to face Killua, and says "I think it's fun to be with you." End ID.]
I see a lot of people chalk this up to just Gon being Gon, but it reads to me as much more deliberate than even his usual honesty. He's turned so he's looking directly at Killua, which is a sure way to make his words come across clearly. The lead up to this is Killua, again, not knowing or being able to vocalize what he wants. He doesn't have a goal to work towards like Gon, he only knows what he doesn't want - he's a mix of envious and admiring towards Gon, who knows what he wants and simply goes for it.
But this conversation makes it clear that they have a shared wish - they both want to be friends, and they'd both like to stay together. It's not about earning, to Gon, it's only about if they both want the same thing - mutual, not conditional. There's a nice almost call-and-response type dialogue here, where Gon asserts that he likes spending time with Killua (very directly lol), then shares that Killua is the first friend his age he's had. This prompts Killua to say that Gon is his first friend ever, and that he does have fun with him. And just like that, Gon replies "Then let's stay together!" and pointedly includes Killua's desire to find a goal in their, now shared, upcoming journey.
Overhead, a shooting star appears in the sky. A mutual wish is granted.
[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 64. The night sky is full of stars. In the centre is a shooting star. End ID.]
Hm. Stars. Remember how I told you to keep that in mind, all the way back at the beginning? Their association with Tanabata, making a wish on a shooting star, etc. etc.?
Well, buckle up because this star is going to make you experience so much sadness now.
[ID: Panels from HxH chapter 286. The first is a conversation between Killua and Meleoron where Killua asserts he intends to "go down in flames with [Gon]". When Meleoron looks concerned, Killua brushes off the declaration as a joke. In the second image, Killua is turned away, his outline pale, as Meleoron thinks "Why... did you looks so sad... back there?" The last image is a cloudy night sky filled with stars. At the centre of the panel is a shooting star. End ID.]
Yeah, it makes its reappearance directly after Killua has "jokingly" resolved to die with Gon if it comes down to it, after "since it means nothing to you".
I am assured, in Japanese, the word choice here is 心中 (shinjuu), the word for double suicide, where the intent is to die at the same time in the same manner in order to be reunited in the afterlife. The implication here is that Killua, having increasingly grown insecure in his place by Gon's side but unable to voice this, knowing that Gon is hurtling down the path of no return, thinks back to their conversation under the stars where they both mutually wished to stay together and, because he believes that it is no longer possible for him to help Gon, has resolved to stay by his side in death, and after it.
...holy shit, kid.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 4th ending of the 2011 anime. In the first, Gon and Killua stand back to back as meteors fall around them. In the second, they stand facing away from the audience towards a body of water under a night sky filled with stars - Gon throws a stone, which flashes in the air like a shooting star. End ID.]
And of course, here's the shooting star again in the 2011 anime's Nagareboshi Kirari ending, as well as it being the subject of the song itself and rather explicitly referencing that wish to go on a journey together, to stay together, because... Madhouse hates us. I guess. :'(
What started off as a simple wish for a friend deepened into a wish to always stay by Gon's side. This is largely good at first! Killua is able to explore and experience genuine friendship, to get a taste for freedom, and use the power of his fervent wish to protect his dear friend in order to rid himself of Illumi's needle. However, the more Killua wants, the more he traps these wishes in monologues within his own head and does not voice them aloud. Part of it is that he already feels he's been given much more than he deserves - seeing himself as a creature of darkness and Gon as light - but a greater part of the issue here is not that Killua is afraid to wish for things, but that he is afraid wishing without "compensation" will inevitably lead to horrible repercussions - namely, losing who he loves.
In order to feel worthy of staying with Gon, of earning his friendship, Killua works hard to help Gon achieve his goals, taking on the role of wish grantor, growing to do practically anything needed to support him for seemingly nothing in return - but that's not 100% true. Killua wants at least some appreciation, whether he admits it or not - it's a security thing, and it also clearly makes him happy, even if he's not great at accepting it. He insists in Chimera Ant arc that friends don't need to thank friends, but this declaration always read as very sudden to me or like a rationalization, and it's relevant to remember that this is at the peak of Gon isolating himself and self-destructing before his eyes, and Killua's own insecurity regarding his importance to him.
Killua might not mind doing things without thanks, but that doesn't mean he doesn't like to hear that Gon appreciates him. He clearly does appreciate verbal confirmation of their bond! We know this.
[ID: Two screenshots from the 2011 anime. The first is from episode 61. Killua smiles down at the ground with his hands in his pockets, the colours having gone soft and bright. The second is from episode 70 during the dodgeball match. Gon smiles determinedly in the foreground as Killua looks shocked next to him. End ID.]
Keeping all this in mind, Killua's story, or at least this part of it, couldn't have concluded in a better way than his rescue of Alluka, the wish grantor.
Now, I could probably write an entire other analysis on Alluka and Nanika alone, but for the sake of not making this any longer than I already have, I'm going to go through only a few points. Alluka is incomprehensible to her family because they make no attempt to understand her, with the exception of Killua. The only thing they do seem to understand, when explained to them, is the demands made after Nanika grants a wish - this, of course, fits neatly into their own predetermined views on "earning" and "punishment". However, beyond this, they make no attempt to understand her, and since her power is deemed dangerous and uncontrollable, she is locked away.
They are worried, first and foremost, that Alluka will bring harm to the family, and there's two ways in which this could be true:
As a function of failing to fulfill her requests, of course
Because she, just by existing, threatens the family's status quo
I stated at the beginning that Killua's desires do not align with those of the family business, and he's always apparently been more open to understanding others - he asks Alluka and Nanika questions to understand them, and treats them with respect, while his family are more so focused on subjugating anything that might be a threat. This is what Illumi tried to drill into Killua after all; never fight a superior opponent - everything is about assessments of relative strength, which leaves no room for open-mindedness or getting to know people.
Faced with a daughter who is clearly incomprehensibly powerful, and a son, the would-be inheritor of the family trade, who is showing a disturbing amount of willingness to befriend instead of retreat from her, the family made the decision to excise Alluka not just from where she could "harm" the family power-wise, but also likely to secure their control over Killua, who they then set about practically programming to not have any more wishes for himself, or at least to not be able to vocalize them without fear of loss or retribution.
The family's nickname for Killua is "Kil" or "Killu", which is deeply fascinating to me as a reader - nicknames are expressions of endearment, typically, and I actually don't doubt that here. Killua's family does love him, but their love comes with conditions. He must be molded into the perfect son, and every part of him that doesn't fit must be excised.
So: Killua's memories of Alluka are suppressed with the needle, and she is further cut from his life by dropping the "a" from his name (the Zoldyck children are named like a game of shiratori - Illumi -> Milluki -> Killua -> Alluka -> Kalluto). The nickname is also like a command or order "to kill", which is of course what they want him to do.
Saving Gon through saving Alluka and Nanika forces Killua to have to face down the last and hardest of Illumi's manipulations to shake, and that's the notion that a wish, that kindness and friendship and love, cannot be unconditional without severe repercussions - where the people he cares about get hurt because of him, something he cannot envision being forgiven for.
It's a little sad to me that after spending most of the series struggling against his family's teachings that they didn't lead to Killua betraying Gon at all, as he'd feared... but to him betraying Nanika, by sending her away.
Here is this little girl with a bloodstained past, incredibly powerful and dangerous and capable of amazing feats, treated as some evil thing by those who fear her. But she is kind at heart. Her true strength lies in healing, not killing. And she only takes commands from Killua.
Illumi thinks this is because Killua is the only one with control over her. Killua believes this is because she wants praise. They're both partially correct, but this is not the full reason Nanika does what Killua asks of her.
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146 of the 2011 anime. In the first, Nanika smiles and says "I love Killua." In the second, Killua looks at her, stricken. End ID.]
Nanika loves him. Everyone has been trying to figure out all these complicated rules and conditions on her wish granting and why Killua is the one exception, but the answer is exceedingly simple. She loves him, and wants to do nice things for him so he can have his wishes granted. It's the only way she knows to get the love that she wants in turn.
Just like her brother, Nanika makes herself useful to earn love and appreciation from someone who accepted her when no one else did.
Even though he knows Nanika just wants to help, he still sees her presence as a danger to the person he sees as pure and innocent who must be protected. He sends her away because her "nature" is to be a threat to Alluka's safety, even if she doesn't intend to be. Killua's fear of Illumi and repercussions causes him to make a horrible mistake.
And Alluka tears into him for it.
[ID: A set of panels from HxH chapter 336. A furious Alluka glares and asks Killua if he made Nanika cry. When Killua stutters, she demands he apologize to her. End ID.]
You tell him, girl.
Oh hey, this looks a little familiar, huh?
"Apologize to Killua!" says Gon to Illumi after Illumi sends Killua away.
Nanika should not be the one punished for the actions of those trying to control her. She certainly shouldn't be forced to leave those she loves, or have to earn love from them.
And neither should Killua.
[ID: Three panels from HxH chapter 336. Alluka yells, tears in her eyes, "If you're going to protect me... you have to protect Nanika too!!" Killua looks shocked, then his eyes widen. End ID.]
It's interesting to me that this is the line that snaps Killua out of his fear enough for him to properly speak with Nanika and apologize. One party cannot receive all the protection, nor can the other only give and give limitlessly.
Killua makes it clear to Nanika when speaking with her that he will protect her, and that she doesn't need to earn affection from people by granting their wishes. He promises they will both be there for each other - Killua will praise her whenever she wants, and not just when she does something for him, but he also doesn't refuse Nanika's desire to grant his wishes. It's mutual, not conditional.
And on the heels of this "betrayal", Killua asks for what he never thought he could receive - forgiveness. And even though Nanika is clearly still very upset...
[ID: Two screenshots from episode 146. In the first, Nanika and Killua face each other, both of them teary. Nanika says "Kay." In the second, he has pulled her into a hug. Nanika is teary, her fingers gripping Killua's back tightly. End ID.]
...she doesn't even have to think about it.
I do think Killua still has a ways to go, but he is in a position right now to learn from his relationship with his sisters about balance - that love is not just selfless devotion, but also allowing those who love you to help you and make you happy too. I think that's what unconditional love is, in a way - supporting and working together with the people you love to make each other's wishes come true.
#oh my god this was supposed to be a brief write-up what happened 😭#ugh i feel like this is a bit of a mess and there's infinite other little points i could've made or elaborated on or interpreted differentl#but i'm so tired lmao#anyways tldr fuck you illumi you suck#killua is a snarky little shit but he also has so much love in his tiny body and i think we should appreciate him forever and ever#this also accidentally turned into alluka and nanika appreciation. i love them#nanika sweet angel i love you so much i hope you get all the head pats in the world#ghhh i'm so scared this doesn't make sense anymore i've been working on it for almost a week#hunter x hunter#hxh#hxh meta#killua zoldyck#call me ace detective the way i am ace. and also a detective.#storyrambles#also that one scene where gon turns to look directly at killua and tells him he has fun being with him makes me jdfhbvsdjfbvh#he's so intense about it i start laughing. no wonder killua basically just went ??!?!?!?! and like. leaned back because i think i would've#done the same lmaoooo#it's very sweet though :')#argh. gotta post. i need to stop hesitating. let's go.
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speaking more from my last post about shadow magic and its just. so interesting tbh. like the first mention of shadow magic comes from khrysalis when we enter the eclipse tower and it gives us interesting looks into how shadow magic as a whole is regarded in the spiral...
its so insane to hear that its a forbidden magic and that grandmother raven and BARTLEBY of all people forbade it to be taught. raven i could probably understand, but considering we are now bartlebys scion... it's hard to think about the possibility that he didn't trust us before. an outsider from the spiral learning a forbidden magic...
i think what's also interesting is the fact that the shadow magic the wizard learns is a wholly unique one. shadow magic corrupted the moon magic inside the tower, so there's a possiblity that our wizard only knows this specific subset of shadow magic—one that's been permanently altered by moon magic in the eclipse tower, and one that can only be taught by sofia darkside.
it makes me wonder if velma knows the same kind, or if hers and the wizard's shadow magic is different... is one more volatile than the other? or if there's no difference at all and im looking into it too much lolol
knowing this and knowing raven forbade anyone in the spiral from ever learning shadow magic, it would make a little bit of sense for how hostile she initially seems towards the wizard... if we take what we saw from the book of secrets, then we know that magic law states that nothing is an accident—magic is reactive and 'sentient' to a certain degree, so there was no mistake in the wizard freeing grandfather spider from his prison using magic, because that's what they wanted.
granted it was for other reasons... but it doesn't paint a pretty picture of any of us. the wizard learns shadow magic, the wizard frees spider, and then spider goes on to say that theyre his favorite.
i think what makes this particularly more tragic is the fact that the wizard didn't even have a choice. sofia says this herself!
they need to learn it. the sword of kings isn't enough. being a child of prophecy isn't enough. they failed once before, and theyre not eager to fail again. theyll try anything, and everything, and that includes... freeing grandfather spider.
which, you know, speaking of backlash... sofia mentions it too lol.
which is interesting to me... i always complained that the morganthe fight needed a bit more oomph—which, i still believe it does, to some extent—but i think how she died was a fitting end to her. crushed underneath the weight of her own powers, her own shadow—her backlash. she was the instrument of her own defeat, and, well... that could have very well been the wizard. she's our reflection, our parallel. i think it's why the wizard never mentions or claims that theyre the one that did her in—because they technically... didn't, but they also did. which is cool!
much to think about....
#val.txt#wizard101#w101#wizard101 spoilers#wahhhh . i love khrysalis#also i loved doing my little essays talking about wiz ... i think doing them has rekindled my love for arc 2 a lil bit hehe#also made me realized how much fucked up shit the wizard goes through in arc 2 cus WOWZA#arc 1 is just basically like malistaire doesnt care about u . he just cares about his wife#arc 2 is morganthe actively going out of her way to try and ruin ur life and i love that#I LOVE MY EVIL WIFEEEEEEEEE (tears my shirt off)#once again idk if anyone has talked about this before but i wanted to talk about it . ITS MY TURN NOW#long post
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Jack Marsh (2005), Friendship Otherwise - Toward a Levinasian Description of Personal Friendship
#saw carnation lily lily rose by john singer seargent irl today. it was basically at my doorstep all along idk why i never went to see it#it was placed at a corner in the gallery. me and my friend sat down and sketched the paintings of beautiful naked people quite badly. paper#provided by tate britain. she told me about how she couldnt look her boyfriend in the face after a harrowing film about war. when i say the#interview was informal i mean the person who was supposed to be my boss told me let me get you a cider and then he said after#50 years of life he knows people are inherently good and it only takes a little bit of kindness to save this world. he said he tricked#his wife into keeping the baby and then he said he quit his job at a US bank to help people find meaning and in it#he would have liked to find meaning. instead he started climbing with his friends. he said he chews his cigarettes because its a habit from#when he had to hide things from people. the entire time i felt uncomfortable and incredibly enlightened. this is my friends mentor. she has#his pattern of pauses and expletive and penchant for ends-justify-means attitude. i do think im not very clever#but maybe one day i will love you enough to make up for it. i wrote code i dont understand staring at the final error i thought about how#we both thought of how when we're too old to remember the voices of our friends we would like to stand in the pathway of the LHC beam pipe#cut it open and eat light in the freezing cold vacuum (kills you long before radiation will) the invisible puncture wound unfolding dna#back to the start larger than you ever were. you go to heaven once youve been to hell. my friend is in my bed#practicing calculations of eigenvectors by hand and she is uninterested in a visual proof you are uninterested in incompetence#we catch a train this is your kind of burden you tragic hero wincing at that word you only do this because you have to. im the only one#who can. i am a coward in this for the fucking poetry. the visual proofs. the pretty numbers. an architect who was horrible at maths wanted#to be a philosopher and accidentally ended up neck in deep in 70th Error On Visual Studio Code i want to kiss your eyes before we say#goodbye we both know there is no love in the way there should be. I still have your dress in my wardrobe. i hope you make art.#you think im alright head-wise i think you fucking hate me i think ill never be so clever you want me to tell you my idea?#if you wanted more of this world i would have liked to kiss you harder. we cant both be like this. im sorry i cant be with you the whole wa#the love is gone if you have to ask it. his breath catches his eyes feel stiff it is -1.9 kelvin he is near the beam pipe i miss holding#his hand i miss her singing voice i miss his hair and i found the antonym of pain thank you for carrying me home.
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"The outer reaches of space remain unexplored by humankind to this day, but its greed is relentless. We grasp and yearn and hunger for knowledge— answers to questions we cry out into the endless void expecting to understand, expecting the stars to respond. The stars will not, but one day something else will— and we will not like what it has to say." — Rome Solomon, Beyond the Exosphere (1965)
taglist (opt in/out): @shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart, @vvanessaives, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman, @celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister, @killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose, @velocitic, @thedeadthree
#obscura#edit:rome#nuclearocs#nuclearedits#ok so. ok hi. red and i made a new universe hi. sorry. morris quincy victor and eleanor belong to them the rest belong to meee :3#the pictures i used are basically the patron saints of their occupation / line of work! so that's not what they look like#anyway it's a mix of paranormal stuff + lovecraftian horror + sort of zombies :^)#they're like. the domains of lucifer (demons) behemoth (zombies) and leviathan (the eldritch horrors that happen in space and oceans)#who are like. the three evils that torment the mortal realm#it's all in a historical setting kind of parallel to our world? so a bunch of historic events are the same but it's like#a little bit more advanced with technology but at the same time it's not. it's Just A Little Different y'know#rome's sister went to space for a mission and just straight up went missing which prompts him to become an astronomer#and he's the first one to start speculating the existence of leviathan as eldritch god#morris is a technician at the academy who has an angel stuck in his computer#eve is a nun and herbalist who witnesses the influence of behemoth firsthand through some sick travelers#that she and the other nuns of her convent take care of#anatoly and quincy are both from different space missions who end up as the only survivors who are not basically a plant#the other two survivors have secretly been replaced with some sort of parasites. annihilation style if you've seen that movie#eleanor is a demonologist and works together with her brother victor who's her cameraman#clarence is a blind psychic who lost her sight because of an angel trying to warn her and in return got her psychic abilities#and lazarus is one of the two most famous demonologists in the world but his wife (the other one) passed away#so now he's alone and since he's not from an upper class family like his wife was he's not all that loved as she was#there's a lot going on but it's SO fucking fun to work on so far. feel free to send any asks i would love to explain more :^)#if you've made it this far also hi i love you. kiss for you
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honestly wally is stronger than atlas. if i had to constantly calibrate to the nature of my reality w/ full consciousness i would simply lose my fucking mind
#like babies dont Think while they learn how to exist#imagine straight up spawning fully aware and then everyone else is up to speed but youre standing there like#🧍♂️uh. hello. what is everything. what is this. huh????#LIKE???? i feel so bad for him. dude got dropped right into the middle of the ocean and was told 'learn to swim'#and hes trying. but he doesnt know what drowning is so he cant sink either#i mean i get it at least a little bit! its the Autism Experience but w/ him the dial is cranked up to a thousand#you dont know what you dont know but life goes on like you should. fuck#wally i am mentally beaming you a thousand apples grown in the shape of hearts#i believe in you dude you'll figure it out#well. im probably beaming apples into the past if the time discrepancy is real but yk yk#cause if it is then Current Wally probably has a solid handle on things. from a basic standpoint#in a wider lens i am led to believe that he is Scrabbling#is this speculation???#i think it counts.#wh speculation#homebogging#whenever i think about the tidbits we know - ex: wally learning about differences in size#internally i start howling. wally is just constantly dealing with things that would drive a person insane if they had to live it#how is he not Exhausted... it's all so much for someone who knows whats going on let alone someone scrambling to catch up#at least the other neighbors dont have to deal with memorizing physics and skills and behavior#and just Literally Everything That Comes With Being Alive#wally is a blank slate left to write itself.#ough. damn. fuck. i think i need to go stare into the woods for a bit...
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Ok I need to ask about the shirtless Kogoro Mouri drawing-- I see you gave him lots of scars 👀 Can you talk about those please
Oh yeah! It's kind of a mix of different head canons - since he used to be a cop, he probably had a few run-ins with pretty dangerous criminals, for sure being shot or stabbed at hence the scarring. I also think like given the way he acts, his childhood was probably Not Great. I can't imagine he had the best parents or lived in a great neighborhood and with how stubborn he is and how dangerous Beika can be, I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up getting into a Lot of fights in his spare time. He's also just clumsy and falls over a lot!
Mostly they're just for fun and because I think it would make sense for him to have a few scars, but some of them I have a little personal lore for. Like the scar on his neck is meant to imply that at one point he was held hostage by some criminal, maybe to use against Megure so they could escape when Kogoro was still a cop, and he almost had his throat slit so it left a scar. After a while, Conan starts using the stun-gun wrist-watch, but Kogoro doesn't connect the dots because he just ends up thinking it's some kind of phantom pain from the stress of all the murders he's witnessing (when it's the other side, he blames bug bites or something).
The small slice on his chin is probably from some kind of broken glass bottle, like he was attacked in a bar fight. Or maybe a chunk glass from a discarded beer bottle that he fell on when he's tripped down the stairs to his office, and the bar fight is just the story he tells to be less embarrassed.
The bigger scars are meant to be gunshot wounds or burns, but don't all have special lore reasons. He was shot in the shoulder and now has tremors in his left hand, making it harder to shoot a gun, or something. The one partially hidden on his forearm could be from when he was cooking while drunk and just burned himself on accident. Maybe he was drinking while cooking because Eri had just left and he quit the police force and didn't know how to cope, but he still needed to feed his daughter.
I imagine even if other characters saw his scars, like Shinichi or maybe Takagi (characters who don't really know his backstory or understand his personality that well) they would just write them off as Kogoro being careless, which would be likeee. Half True. Megure probably knows where most of them came from, Ran can probably guess and be pretty accurate.
Kogoro doesn't really seem to ever want to talk about things that happen to him, so he doesn't really explain where the scars came from, so ppl think he's trying to be Cool and Mysterious to avoid confessing that he was drunk and ran into a sharp table. I think he'd also be a little embarrassed about them and try to hide them with makeup if he ever cared enough. Especially ones where he was shot or stabbed on the police force. For him, it's embarrassing to get caught, like when he was held hostage, or to be shot at and not expect it. They're kind of like cumulative reminders of his greatest failures, even the ones where he was never really at fault, because his guard should have been better or he should have been paying more attention, etc.
Also tho I mean. Scars are cool fjdhdhdh they fit him because he's abrasive and a dumbass and a klutz and his job is hunting down killers, so he's Definitely going to get himself injured, but they also just make him look good, even if he'd be embarrassed abt them. And really I just like rotating angst around in my head and the easiest way to do that is to go "ok but what if he got hurt one time" and then draw it, with or without full planning. Thank you for noticing them tho! And thanks for the ask!! ^_^
#sorry if the answer is too long dhdhdhd#basically i need him sexualized but also i need him beat the fuck up and kicked around a little bit#if he does have lore abt his parents and childhood then i havent seen it yet sooo. sorry if im wrong and his family is so so niceys?
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.
#I don’t even know how to feel right now#my kiddo moved up into the older kids room#then yesterday I get a message from daycare saying another kid scratched my baby’s face#and I’m like okay a scratch is just a scratch it happens#when I got home and saw him I was like what the fuck this wasn’t just a little scratch it is dark and red and angry#and then I go to give him a bath and I see he has a bitemark shaped bruise on his shoulder#and I’m like what the fuck why wouldn’t you tell me this too#and I go in today to talk to the director and she wasn’t there#they give me the incident report that says basically this kid#wanted to take my sons pacifier and he wouldn’t let him and he scratched his face and pushed him down and bit him#like what the actual fuck#why wouldn’t you tell me the whole thing#I had to find out on my own by seeing a mark on my babies skin#I’m so upset#he’s still such a gentle baby like he doesn’t hit or bite out of anger yet#so it just breaks my heart to know this other kid did this to him#and that the daycare ladies weren’t there to monitor and see it happen
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always always always thinking abt qcharlie lab experiment theory.
#maybe im working myself up to disappointment#but genuinely I think that this is the route charlie's going down with qcharlie#with things like him saying he /thinks/ hes got “a little bit of human in him”#and his comments about bones and not having them (taking offense to bbh saying he was boneless--#--telling flippa that “everyone has bones! or so ive heard.” etc etc)#distinctly Having Memories of his childhood and just not talking about it. not knowing a lot of basic fruits and vegetables.#and in the log he and flippa found at the federation office#the employee said they were “surrounded by cages” (qcharlie has said that he and his siblings /grew up/ in cages)#and there was a distinct reference to “a failed experiment” “an abomination”#i am CONVINCED that failed experiment was him. i am CONVINCED he was the abomination the employee mentioned.#he used to be a human child and some experiment they did fucked up SO BAD that they turned him into sludge.#anyways.#qsmp
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I feel like at this point fnaf lore should be treated like homestucks canon is treated
You can basically pick and choose which parts you want to believe (as long as it’s still vaguely based on the basics of canon (eg; william afton is a serial child murderer, CC is the bite at 83, etc)) and if you hate a specific part of canon (like apparently the new book reveal that william used a fear gas in fnaf 4????? And is just evil for evils sake) then you can just kinda ignore it, even if it’s technically canon or implied to be canon
Like people will fully ignore certain parts of Homestuck canon and most people (other than Homestuck purists) will just kinda be chill with it
I mean that’s kinda how I’ve been treating fnaf lol- I’m just here for funsies, so let me ignore the annoying shit that makes other people’s theorising hell or that forces unsatisfying story beats
#I know us homestucks have a bad rep#but#fnaf fandom#hey#take a page out of our book#and give up a lil on canon#I feel like y’all already do this a little bit when dumb little hints towards a different thing fuck with your theories#just do it more#don’t like how security breach brought back William in one of the endings? fuck it no he didn’t#don’t like the fucking illusion disk bullshit? ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist#it might be a lil harder since fnaf’s canon is basically ENTIRELY theories and small insignificant things can be huge to certain theories#but if you try hard enough#you can completely malform ‘canon’#fnaf#fnaf 6#security breach fnaf#fnaf ruin#fnaf sb#fnaf 1#fnaf 3#fnaf 4#fnaf 5#fnaf 2#fnaf 7#Homestuck#🪲
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not me popping back on here with a post after months of semi-inactivity (uni is being a bitch) just to reiterate how much i love writing the pahkitew island cast.
aside from sammy and amy (obviously), literally everyone else can be shipped with one another and it'd make sense to some degree, like it takes skill to create a group of people so inherently shippable (platonically and/or romantically) and ofc the writers didn't know it they just shoved a bunch of random ppl together and dusted their hands off on it but fr tho 😭
(yeah im planning out my leonave 'stranger things inspired' au, and the gears are turning, and i forgot just how much i love writing for this dumbass group)
(i swear im working on the next chapter of a guide to surviving the apocalypse too)
#no but i've way too many ideas lmaoo#i forgot ive a whole longass post in my drafts dedicated to ramblings abt this longfic and i came across it today ahaha#like amy leading a manhunt for leonard bc shes got everyone to think he killed her sister (who she didn't even like much smh)#and topher's one of the ppl involved and when shawn hears he's like “topher? yeah i can handle him dw” (possible tophawn minor pairing??)#and leonard's abt to get the equivalent of being burnt at the stake literally#when guess who shows up in a fucking mercedes of all cars#fucking dave#and he helps leonard escape narrowly by driving fast af and leonard's so confused bc like “i thought you'd be with those guys”#and get this: dave doesnt believe leonard killed sammy bc of his vehement belief that leonard doesn't know magic LMAOOO#and leonard doesnt know whether to be affronted or grudgingly thankful bc if it wasn't for dave's desire for everything to be normal#leonard would have been part of the witch trials 2.0#and idk who's watched st but the plot is somewhat inspired by it#like shawn goes missing first and dave as his best friend is panicking abt it (in this one axel is shawns cousin???)#and then when they find him at last the weird deaths start leading to leonard finding sammy dead and this whole situation#and theres a whole different world underneath them and its up to leonard dave ella and sky to team up and prevent certain destruction#and theres slowburn leonave (with pining leonard and oblivious dave)#and leonard lives with his uncle whos understanding of his passions (unlike his dad who basically gave him away for the same reason)#and leonard's life is total opppsite from dave's#and they both know it#and omgggg this au has been a brainrot for so goddamn long#but idk why i just got a slew of ideas for it today#and like dave stays over at leonards at one point and leonard gives him his bed (like a gentleman)#and the next morning shawn barges in like “wheres my best friend” bc ever since he was taken he's been v paranoid abt losing the ppl he lov#and he hugs dave and daves like “how dirty are you rn” and shawns like “nothing yet i waited so that i can hug you when i see your dumb ass#and everyones like abt dave to leonard “idk if he's the right one for you”#but then later on dave saves his life by going a little bit unhinged classic dave-style#and ends up scaring a nurse and receptionist into retiring early#total drama#td leonard#td dave
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2009 Hungarian Grand Prix - Lewis Hamilton(ft. Martin Whitmarsh, Mark Webber & Kimi Räikönnen)
+ Seb & Fernando post-DNF
#why did this end up just basically being a champagne post LMAO im sry but lewis and martin compel me(not in a shippy way? idk)#well tbh the tv direction for this podium kinda sucked imo there wasnt a lot of good clips to pull from#i like when they have TPs on the podium and they always have white shirts on and basically end up doing a wet shirt contest#anyways not a fan of this race 😭 all of my boys were suffering :') it hurt way too bad#at least a mark podium!!! he towers over kimi and lewis tbh 😵💫😵💫 im too obsessed with his height...#ALSO CAN I SAY! I hate when they keep showing the winning driver's partner...i really do not care 🙏#oh fuck and this is the race wknd where Felipe had his accident :( god that makes me so depressed still#lewis hamilton#lh44#kimi raikkonen#kimi räikkönen#mark webber#f1#formula 1#formula one#we do a little bit of f1#2009 hungarian gp#fernando alonso#sebastian vettel#(sorry this is so foul but)#(i almost said Martin was dilfy but tbh hes only attractive from certain angles. straight on he kinda looks like a ghoul from fallout LMFAO#(but in these gifs at least...hes kinda 😳 but i cant in good conscious say that in the top tags so ill leave it down here)
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While objectively this wouldn't work at ALL I do think it would be funny if LBH also had a System. Mainly little annoying ass blurbs that pop up like achievement unlocked! The Endless Abyss Greets You! and LBH is just like. Hmmm. I do not like that. But obviously they wouldn’t be helpful, right? In the Water Prison arc I think he would get a pop up that’s basically “Achievement Unlocked! No Matter The Universe, We Find Ourselves Here Again!” and hes just fucking FUMING at this point internally but after he leaves he gets a few new ones and he looks over as they scroll in the air and promptly chokes on his own spit;
Achievement Unlocked! You Call This A Fan Service Scene?
Achievement Unlocked! No Answer, No Problem! We’ll Just Act It Out!
Achievement Unlocked! Ripping Him A New One...?
Achievement Unlocked! UST Over 1000+ Points!
For every choice SQQ makes LBH gets like fifteen pop ups and if LBH knew what an adblocker was he would have installed one ages ago. But alas, he just gets more pop ups.
#SVSSS#scum villian self saving system#luo binghe#shen qingqiu#SVSSS System#im just gonna tag the system as a character even though I think its a vehicle for the readers/writers#Because we already know that the System is in place to help SQQ make the story better for the readers (us)#which is real funny in its own way if we actually wanted to get into it#But I do think if LBH had a system he wouldn't be able to interact with it until after the endless abyss#it would basically give him info for people monsters and plants when he actively asks about it#also would pop up [unknown value] points which I think would be fucked#if he finds out at the end of the story are actually [Shen Qingqius Love] points#because I dont think they would ever dip they would just keep going higher#so he. has to deal with that. internally.#Like heartbreak points and love points at teh same time and neither fuckng KNOWWWW#Would kill me a little bit actually
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said to myself yesterday that i was finally over this one particular boy because of this one particular other person (and like sidenote that was a terrible time to say that because like. i was basically guaranteed to see him at this event im at for the next couple days. and i Literally Forgot about that somehow) anyway. LAST NIGHT I HAD A FUCKING DREAM ABOUT HIM. ARE YOU FOR REAL
#ari opinion hour#like FUCKED up. for real.#basically what im saying is i had a fucking dream about him and woke up and was like Hmm i am over him exactly none percent tbh#and then i got up and drove to event and as i was walking thru the like lobby area i saw him and.#like. could not take my eyes off him. a little bit. and i think he noticed also. fuck
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