Hbomb deleting James' career was great obviously, but I was generally unaware of who he was before hand (I almost exclusively watch stardew valley playthroughs because they make good crafting background noise) so it isn't really like, super impactful to my general thought process. I don't care as much that some guy I didn't know existed before hand got his career eaten for his crimes. But the stuff on Illuminaughtii? Oh my GODS is that vindicating. I've been against her for years, initially because her vibes just felt off, and later because I was suspicious something was up with her because her phrasing was inconsistent at best. And then I realized she wasn't even always being truthful, because she started lying about stuff I remembered, and then I tried checking her sources one time and almost deleted my youtube just out of sheer shame and horror. And I've been fairly open, when it comes up, about how much I do not like her one bit. But no one would believe me. And now the trustworthy youtuber is corroborating my claims and as much as I don't like saying I told you so because I know how hard it can be to separate your feelings about something from the evidence. I FEEL SO VALIDATED. Because I was honestly starting to wonder if maybe I was the weird one for not liking her, but my suspicions were correct! One of these days Hbomb has really gotta nuke someone I respect because I'm starting to wonder if my autism super power is being right about people. And that's a kind fo hubris I don't need.
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The comments one person pointed out one interesting thing - a blind spot in my perception of people's reactions. This is really interesting, because this is not a constant blind spot: in some situations it is not there and I clearly predict human reactions to certain things; and in some situations it appears and distorts my forecasting.
And this is not an isolated case; such blind spots arise periodically in different situations.
I thought about why this happens and I have one hypothesis. As a neurodivergent person, I have no intuitive understanding of the possible reactions of average people to certain things.
Instead, I essentially had to memorize how people were likely to behave in a given situation. This was all unconscious, of course.
I remember now how I read books as a child and perceived the actions of the characters almost always with a certain surprise mixed with “Yeah, so this is how people react to such things... okay.”
(This is why I still get excited about books where I don't have to tell myself, "Don't freak out. Yes, these are illogical actions or strange actions for you, but that's what people do.")
Thus, I have developed the ability to predict the behavior of others and, accordingly, I can plan my actions in such a way that they will most likely lead to the reaction I need.
Practice shows that I can do this quite well.
At the same time, those situations where I do not engage in such planning often develop in a very surprising way for me.
Example: I absolutely accurately predicted the security guards' negative reaction to my roaches, but at the same time I expected that the convention participants would like them and was discouraged when this did not happen.
The planning approach requires a certain attitude towards the situation. Specifically, the use of masking, even if we are talking about thinking, some speculative situations.
As a result, I am always a little “outside” of the situation, there is always a feeling of an observer, and not a full-fledged participant.
In those cases when I don’t do this, but simply feel like myself and don’t try to disguise myself (or I do it much less, since many manifestations of masking are already so automatic that they are difficult to track), the accuracy of forecasts of the reactions of others drops significantly.
Another important thing is that I can afford not to use masking only in situations that I feel safe. A safe situation is largely about the expectation that I will be accepted by other people, the feeling that I am among my own people.
Often this feeling is deceiving. Just because two people have a commonality in a particular intersection does not mean that they have that commonality in others.
And as a result, when you stop or greatly reduce the level of disguise, it often turns out that you don't fit in enough. You too weird. Too unclear. Too different.
I fell into this trap in the sports section, in the tourist section, in the swimming section,
in the LGBT+ community, and now at dances, apparently the same thing is happening.
I think the same thing happened at the cosplay event. I planned my passage through security from the point of view of masking and the predictions turned out to be correct. I think the same thing happened at the cosplay event. I planned my passage through security from the point of view of masking and the predictions turned out to be correct.
But I automatically considered my participation in the convention as a get-together with “my people.”
And imagining how people would like insects, how interested they would be, I was as much myself as possible.
That's why I was wrong and why I was so surprised.
You know, it's similar to how superpowers work in the Worm. Power gives you an advantage, but at the same time, it takes something away from you. Also, the powers take shape based on some of the person’s vulnerabilities. Or they exploit these vulnerabilities, but in an unusual way.
I see a sad ironic parallel in the fact that my neurodiversity gives me the opportunity to more accurately predict the reactions of other people, but at the same time, the use of this “superpower” alienates me from people, does not allow me to feel the fullness of the moment, to feel myself in the flow of reality, and not watch him from the side.
And the more often I use this, the more difficult it is not to do this, since the result differs very much. If we continue the comparison with the flow, then in the second case you fully feel it, but you lose the opportunity to direct it or your movement in it in the right direction. Also, the more often you are in the role of an observer, the more difficult it is for you to refuse it.
(I took these photos this summer when I was visiting relatives)
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