to the anon who suggested I watch yellowjackets WELL GUESS WHAT?

love n thunder how could you do this to me

love when work makes me have my break like an hour before closing. guess i’ll just sit in this pitch black park for 45 mins

also to piggyback off my last ask: what is everyone’s job ? like i get that simon alejandro and alex are line cooks nd rudy is a server and valeria is a bartender but idk anyone else’s im sorry if this is annoying i should know everyone’s jobs i binged all of the au the other day lol

also my user used to be sunshiinegaz but changed it back to my original user idk if you even noticed me before lmao but just in case you did

Uhhhh, I'll be honest, you might have been sunshiinegaz when I was focused on other things so I wasn't really on tumblr! But i do recognize your current user! You're in my notes a lot! Anyway, new character list because I have become incredibly attached to a lot of the operators and are adding them to this AU (more tweets will be coming, I just need to do some shit)

--

Okay so, you are right, Alejandro, Ghost, and Alex are linecooks. Koenig used to be as well, but O'Conor has opened a restaurant right across the street, so now he's a linecook there. There's essentially three workplaces right now:

Shadow Supply Company Unquatrun Restaurant Kortac Pub

I'll go through each company and list employees

Shadow Supply Company:

Graves obviously is owner. He supplies to both Unquatrun because his husband in Alejandro's nephew and Lucas will tear him a new one if he doesn't, and Kortac Pub.

Velikan and Arthur both drive the supply trucks. Arthur to Unquatrun and Velikan to Kortac Pub. Arthur lets Merlin ride in the truck and the linecooks adore that dog, it's the best part of their week at this rate.

Oz and Mila work in... um... illegal supplies, but they also do quality testing and generally just bug both restaurants when they have nothing to do, which is most of the time.

I would put Velikan and Arthur both younger than expected at 20, Oz and Mila are both 26. Graves is 28, Lucas is 22.

Unquatrun Restaurant:

Alejandro, Alex, and Ghost are back to being the only linecooks. They're all 25. Alejandro and Ghost are actually only a month apart with Alejandro being a month older. Alex is two days older than Ghost, yes they jokingly call him the baby. I'm also introducing Reyes, who is a linecook, and he's also 25, but still older than Ghost, as he's a January baby

Rudy, Gaz, and Farah are full servers and are the main servers, though Laswell occasionally helps out when it's really busy. Rudy and Farah are full time, with full pay as well as tips, and Gaz is full time but relies mostly on tips as he doesn't really need the income and he'd rather that go back into the restaurant, so he takes the minimum they have to pay him. Farah and Rudy are both 24, but Gaz is 23. (I fucked up on the profiles and I'm changing some stuff)

Originally, Valeria and Horangi were bartenders, but both have quit and went to Kortac Pub. However! I have introduced Chuy, who is now a bartender, and he's 24. In fact, he and Rodolfo are almost twins by being one day apart. Laswell also helps out the bar when it gets busy and Rodolfo bartends on bar nights, and after they close the dining room and switch to bar seating only.

Soap and Roach are both hosts, full time. Soap has trouble reading the menus, and the POS is in a dyslexic friendly font. Roach is selectively mute because of autism, so it's just better for them to be hosts. Soap will bartend but only if ABSOLUTELY necessary, because reading tickets is a bitch for him. That receipt font is horrible, by the way, 0/10. Anyway, Soap is 24, and Roach is 22.

Price and Laswell co-own the restaurant and they've basically split duties between them, with Laswell running the entire front and Price handling the back. At first, they thought this might change as Laswell would have more duties, but the linecooks, especially with Reyes added, are a massive handful so... no, it didn't change. Both are 38.

Kortac Pub:

They're a bit smaller of a restaurant since they're a pub, I don't have emotional attachment to many of the Kortac members, but Roze and Koenig are both linecooks. They work semi well together. Roze is 26, Koenig is 25.

Horangi and Valeria still bartend, but Horangi will also be a server if necessary, since they only have Calisto and Stiletto as servers at the moment. Valeria isn't nice enough to the customers to be a server. Horangi is 25, Valeria is 24.

There is no official Host right now, but Nikto and Mace are both bouncers but only on the weekend.

-

I have put together so many new world details about this damn fucking AU so I am begging you guys to ask me more about it

I know this is super random and like a year late, but as the consummate marichat fan, what were your thoughts on Elation?

first of all, apparently there are two definitions of the word “consummate” and until now i only knew the first one. HDNSND

second, i have many thoughts about elation but they are honestly kind of mixed and jumbled!!! On one hand, WHAT AN EPISODE!!!!! it still feels like a fever dream lmao. marichat fell in love and went on a cute little date and he took her up way in the sky with his baton carrying her princess style and then they tango’d over to andre’s and wanted to get Love ice cream and then they had the CUTEST KISS EVER!!!!! nose kiss cheek kiss lip kiss combo are you kidding. Are you KIDDING me. then he was trying to be respectful and not take advantage??? 😭 and she got AKUMATIZED bc she wanted to keep kissing him so bad??? HDJDJD and then the angsty second kiss to break her free omfggggggg people died (im people). the little moment at the end too when they agree to go their separate ways but hug like good friends who are in love. Waaaaa my heart. It was all really really good. I loved it. When I first watched it I kept having to pause and pace around like a madman fhsndn

On the other hand, it was so different from my personal vision of marichat that I wasn’t totally sure how to feel! The essence Marichat to me has always been a friends-to-lovers slowburn, so “sin ship” stuff or fics where they very quickly fall into a relationship against their better judgment have never been my cup of tea. And this episode felt like sort of a tamer, canon-appropriate version of that? It came on so fast and was over just as quickly. marichat ended up being just a one-night fling, basically. which is fine because I i always figured it wouldn’t play a big role in the plot—we got wayyyy more marichat than I ever expected to get! So I’m grateful! I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth haha. But at the same time I couldn’t help but feel sort of disappointed in how it all played out. because while I’ve always been rooting for reverse crush development, I never truly wanted a “love square flip” in the sense of them completely switching love interests from ladrien to marichat. That idea never felt super authentic to the characters to me. I feel like OG crush is so baked in to the love square, you know? This probably sounds rich coming from such a loud annoying marichat stan lmao but I always think of them as still being partly in love with OG crush underneath it all, even if marichat are together.

Anyway, i guess I just had a hard time processing it at all because I had a very specific vision/preference for how I wanted the love square to play out—which was basically, reverse crush develops simultaneously with OG crush and they have to figure out how to deal with being in love with two people at once, and then at the reveal they get the relief of knowing it was always the same person all along, and of course they fell for them twice. Idk to me that would be the most satisfying culmination of the love square—one of the most interesting romantic plot elements I’ve ever seen! And that’s not how the show writers decided to go. Which is OK. We got so much good love square and there will be more to come. I really have been trying to let go of what was always just my personal preference for the LS. But at the time I couldn’t help but feel it was sort of wasting a lot of potential by going in this direction. And that did kind of sour my experience watching elation. marichat was set up and discarded so quickly, as if to both satisfy the fans and also shut them up lol. like “here, you got your marichat, you animals. and now that door is permanently closed bc we just proved how it would never work.” Hahaha. And tbh maybe that was a necessity! Like the closure of that possibility.

All in all elation was an amazing episode. It just made me sort of sad at the end, watching marichat die within minutes of becoming canon. also at the time there were a bunch of marichat stans being kind of obnoxious and salting on ladrien which also dampened the mood a lot for me. So I felt weirdly sad for a while after watching it, even tho it was such an exciting ride that I’d been looking forward to. I guess I just keep thinking “yes this is what I wanted!! …except not like this tbh”

lol I’m so entitled Im sorry….we ate SO good. Elation will always be iconic. Weredad is still my all-time favorite episode though! :)

bit of a weird ask but I saw a twitter post saying they were 'devastated' over what frank said in an interview about performing/writing in ls dunes compared to some other bands (theyre assuming that the 'other bands' means mcr because they cant think of the 20+ other bands that hes been in) and after reading it a second time it doesn't even seem that negative?? it just talks about different processes and his excitement for dunes, but I still feel down anyway now because of that reaction, and it really makes me doubt that part of the fandom's faith in the band and its members im kinda close to quitting the fandom because of this and idk how the tumblr/twitter gang here survives it y'all are troopers, im unsure how to avoid that kind of doomposting

sorry i totally forgot to answer this the other day, i hope you see this!

but yeah, i see the same thing and it is. pretty irritating haha. it speaks to the unrealistic traits and behaviours fandom has applied to these ppl over the years/decades - which are harmless enough on the surface, but left unchecked you end up with doomposting or disproportionate levels of discourse when one of them doesn't behave the way their textpostified personalities would have you believe hahaha. if frank isn't anything but reverential towards mcr then he must hate it. if gerard puts time and work into his artistic and career pursuits that aren't related to mcr he must be giving up on the band like he supposedly did in 2012. if ray, who hasn't done a single interview since 2016, isn't on stage showing frank public affection or admiring him on twitter, he must be bossy and arrogantly taking all the glory for mcr's guitar parts and musicality. if mikey does anything it's gotta have something to do with gerard or mcr because obvs he doesn't exist outside the band etc etc. again none of these things are like. problematic or bad**, just kind of. annoying to engage with as an adult in the space i go to enjoy myself hahaha.

but this specific discussion abt frank implicitly dissing mcr also cropped up after that podcast frank did with travis, where he discussed writing music with ls dunes vs every other band/project he's been involved in. which, let's remember, is a fucking lot. how many albums has frank made or been part of? too many to easily count. only about four or five of those were with my chemical romance. ls dunes is only set apart from the rest because they're currently active after mcr's huge reunion, and they're a supergroup so they're getting a lot of press attention. people have never batted an eye in the past when frank has discussed how great it is to be working with this or that musician on this or that album - it's just the timing of ls dunes and our own high hopes for new mcr music that make people take this one in particular so personally.

on top of that... we've always known mcr has a fraught and stressful writing process??? that is like. a major part of the lore? we're all compelled by the insane amount of unlikely success mcr achieved in their careers, and by the fact that they were always controversial. we reblog quotes about gerard saying mcr's purpose was always to be against something, to undermine expectations, to infiltrate, contaminate etc. i thought this was something we were all drawn to about mcr? so i'll never understand the shock and disappointment when frank makes the simple statement that writing with ls dunes is easier, less stressful, and more lighthearted than writing with mcr. like...duh it is? mcr have always been open about how much they put into writing albums - and also about how they're proud of what they created, and that they consider each other cherished family.

the most annoying part for me is when people take quotes about frank working with travis and twist them into some kind of dig at/criticism of ray. i can only assume these people aren't used to working with others in a creative capacity, especially long term, because i just totally can't understand where it comes from lol. as someone who's read/watched every guitar-related mcr interview i've ever been able to get my hands on: ray and frank have literally never been anything other than fully complimentary of, respectful to, and affectionate with one another. ray was far from the first guitarist frank ever worked with and leagues from the only one. also, creative partnerships are extremely complex and every one is completely unique, with it's own strengths and difficulties. if ray and frank didn't love playing with each other they wouldn't have done it for years and years. that doesn't mean frank can't vocally love playing with other guitarists??? these things are not contradictory and appreciating aspects of one creative partnership is not equivalent to bad-mouthing a different one? like that is just not how it works skdkdjd

anyway i think a lot of it comes down to the fact that, for us, we see these people as parts of my chemical romance. naturally, because that's the reason we know they exist! but all of these people live rich and full and complex lives like any other person. the only parts of those lives that we generally see much of are the my chemical romance parts. we look for mcr in everything they say, which is understandable but unrealistic. all we need to do it keep that in mind imo

**(tho ppl's tendency to pit ray and frank against each other for some reason, which used to be a way common but is unfortunately a sentiment i'm starting to see crop up again in some places, definitely can get. suspicious and uncomfortable. especially considering that frank is the fan favourite so these pointless comparisons tend to err in his favour, and in either direction they tend to be very shallow and uninformed anyway. but that's a separate conversation)

wow i literally did not intend to turn this into a giant essay im so sorry. kudos if you made it this far lol. and i feel you anon, it's discouraging and puts a bad taste in my mouth when i come to this fandom for fun and fulfillment. i wish i had better advice because im feeling a little similar but just try to remind yourself that other people's opinions are just that. i find it helps if you can curate your own dash/feed or make friends in more discussion-friendly spaces like dms or gcs or discord servers. or even a priv twitter account with a few like-minded mutuals where you can vent ur shared frustrations over things without making it a whole big deal HAHAHA. the less time you spend scrolling thru ppl's public posts and the more time you spend diving into interviews, podcasts, videos, the web archive etc to detach yourself a little from group fandom-think the better you'll probably feel about mcr tbh! also long as you have friends or close mutuals that's all that matters imo <3

i am losing it the tiniest bit .

googling like "my mother treats me like a child" or wgatever just brings up like ppl talking abt their mothers not wanting them to grow up or not giving them enough freedom which is a valid problem and one i have but it is a completely different problem from the one im looking for information on which is that i am a 20 year old man and my mother babytalks at me like a four year old on a regular basis. its drivng me fucking crazy but i dont want to argue and she wouldnt listen anyway she'd probably just be like "i dont do that" which .okay. but like holy fucking shit it is SO annoying and demeaning and WEIRD.

and like i can handle it when she treats me like. a teenager. like whatever im 20 close enough i dont care. but when she treats me like im 10. or 7. or fucking 4. its like. what the fuck is your problem.

and like okay i was thinking abt this the other day bc i was talking 2 my dad like just hanging out and he was treating me like a Person and like. idk i feel like when he had kids he was Expecting and Excited for us to turn into little people with our own thoughts and free will (maybe not the transgender communist thing i think that was a bit far but he's always been supportive in terms of like. me being my own person otherwise).

and my dad volunteers at church with some of the kids like 9-12 age range, and a lot of them have rough home lives and 'act out' cuz of that and he's very patient with them and helps them with what theyre going thru and generally just acts like theyre little people. because they ARE little people. like he genuienly cares for those kids and is always like... taking them to the park and stuff but also like, being character witness for their parents' custody battles n shit like actually helping and suppotying them.

whereas my mother volunteers at church with babies and toddlers and its almost like she sees them as pets. and will complain abt them being annoying or MEAN if they cry or dont want to play with her. like she's nice to them but she will complain abt it as if theyre trying to spite her

and i feel like she didnt become a parent bc she wanted to raise a small human i feel like she just wanted a pet. and shes been better with my sister but when i was a kid the second i was like 6 and developed some free will she kinda like. Moved on from me LOL. and stopped caring abt me outside of like. buying food. wire mother type shit. idk it's just really obvious that my dad cares abt these kids as people but my mother cares abt them for only as long as they dont upset her or do something she doesnt want them to. if that makes sense

and idk its like. i am 20 years old. im not going to go back to a 4 year old with no sense of the world outside of u because I AM TWENTY YEARS OLD. I HAVE LIVED ALONE IN SCHOOL I HAVE GONE TO THE DMV I HAVE WORKED A JOB I HAVE DEALT WITH MEDICAL EMERGENCIES ON MY OWN . i have had to make my way through every single social problem and mental health problem and shit since i was SIX bc thats when she stopped giving a shit about me. im not a child anymore

but i think its also part of why im so fucking bad at Being An Adult. bc she never taught me how do to any of this shit bc she was busy pretending im still a little kid. and now im too anxious to figure out how to do things on my own and i dont know how to ask for help and everything is very overwhelming and she tells me she wants me to get a job but doesnt help and she acts like she wants me to leave but she doesnt tell me that or help me leave and i am SO FUCKING SICK of living at home but i dont have the money or the skills to get out

and she's NEVER helped me with adult stuff either . the only thing i can think of is when she took me to the bank bc i needed her signature to take her off my bank account . otherwise my dad has been the one to help me with college applications + college stuff in general + finances + jobs etc etc . whereas my mother ACTIVELY LIES TO ME ABOUT THOSE THINGS TO TRY TO STOP ME FROM GETTING MY OWN DEBIT CARD !!!!!!!!!!

and it's this fucking exhausting mix of signals where she's like "u need to get a job u need to learn to drive u need to do this and that" but also she Literally , not exageratting , treats and talks to me like i am a child . i am so fucking sick of it it's unreal . i am going to lose my fucking mind .

do you ever feel like people automatically think something is wrong with you when you have no interest in dating/being in a relationship? i was talking to my friend about how i haven't had a crush on someone in years and im fine with being single and she immediately started bringing up my childhood trauma (like "do you think because of what you went through with your parents you can't open yourself up to love?") and this was weeks ago but i can't stop thinking about it. i know she didn't mean harm by what she said but i hate the idea that being content with myself is synonymous with being traumatized, when ive always been this way. ive always prided myself in my self-assurance and independence so to hear a close friend basically say its a trauma response (which sure it might be but it's mostly just how im wired i think) seemed kind of weird to me. she said a similar thing later when i was talking about how im never really bothered by my physical appearance and she said something like "maybe that's because you never try to pursue people romantically" as if she expects my confidence in my appearance to dwindle as soon as i have a crush on someone, even though ive spent a lot of time working on building that confidence. idk it feels like projection to me

YESSS ppl act this way towards me all the time and it makes me want to bite my own hands off! my one friend is convinced i dont like dating bc of school trauma and parental trauma and self-esteem issues and it's like Ok? while all of those things are a genuine issue for me i also just. dont feel anything like that for anyone. my life does not revolve around dating prospects and i don't want it to. i've always said this but i feel like falling in love is actually a pretty rare thing and sooo many ppl are just together bc of timing or convenience or desperation, and yet we're still treated like the weirdos for not wanting to engage with that endless trial and error? when being single is perfectly comfortable anyway? i totally get why your friend saying that made you feel weird. it's like the concept of being happy while single is sooo foreign to them that they have to pathologise it which is just kind of crazy to think about really. they think theyre so right about it too, always so pitying and condescending it and it's like i don't know how to explain to you that im not pretending to not need anyone romantically to make myself feel better - i really, genuinely don't see dating as a necessity at this point and that's fine! i think you're right TBH part of it has to be projection with the way it gets ppl so fired up. like just because your self-esteem and happiness depends on whoever you're dating, doesn't mean everyone's does. srry. also that thing she said about your appearance was weird. it's really admirable that you've worked on being comfortable with yourself and i don't know why that effort would be reversed if you were to ever develop a crush? anyway yeah it will always annoy me that not dating isn't more normalised man! we’re just existing 

Weekly Update March 8, 2024

I didn’t do as much as I had hoped over spring break due to still being sleep deprived, but tomorrow and the next night I should be able to catch up. I’m making a good deal of progress on stuff.

I figured out animation with Clip Studio enough to make a little gif of Romeo playing piano, to go along with his theme. I’m really happy with how it came out. That’s the biggest song I have ready, but I’m really close on another (unless I decide to get more ambitious, which I might), and I do have a smaller one scheduled to go up Tuesday. I’m feeling surprisingly good about music.

The main problem I’m having is kind of a ‘just finish it’ thing, where I’m just not motivated to go record melodies or melody parts for whatever reason. That’s what’s holding back a couple pieces now, but I’m hoping that I can do some tonight or tomorrow. I’m thinking tonight because I got hit with inspiration for another character theme melody, and I don’t want to lose it while I sleep tonight, but I’d feel bad starting in that when another character theme and some other miscellaneous pieces are also awaiting melodies and recordings. I’d like to knock a whole bunch out tonight, because theoretically they shouldn’t be that bad, the annoying part is dressing them up for use which doesn’t need to be done tonight. Im not sure if I want to tonight because I also want to draw, at a minimum I’ll record that character theme melody.

The other big music thing is a vocaloid cover of a song that I’m using to test out how vocaloid works. I got the audio back from the friend with the voicebanks, and it sounds a lot better than expected! There’s a couple things I do want to tweak, but I don’t think I’d be able to do it from within the program, it’ll probably be more me fiddling with the wav file. Idk song is going surprisingly well, shouldn’t be very complicated to round up instruments, I already got all the plugins set up it’s just a matter of recording. I’ve also managed to find a guy in my area who offers Guitar lessons for cheap, which I’ve been taking and I do think the two I’ve been to are helping. Maybe if I get really brazen I can record organic guitar instead of using a vst, since it should be mostly or entirely power chords, but it’s not the end of the world if I can’t.

I do want to figure out visuals to go with it. I was a little hesitant to really put in a big effort with it, until I heard that buying a license for cover rights is ‘not actually that expensive’. I don’t know if that means 10 or 200 bucks but worst case I can hold onto it until I’m comfortable enough to drop money if it’s really that expensive. I’d like to do a simple music video with the vocaloid character, since the original song’s video is also really simple, although I need to figure out character design. Might throw a few together and put up a poll.

I’ve been trying to get more drawing stuff done too, some miscellaneous animations mostly. I’m really trying to push myself to finish up the timings I need for my commission sheet, and honestly I’m pretty close. I feel bad because I probably will have to increase prices after all, but I’m also offering other options, which can still be cheap. I’m trying not to undercut myself for my level of work, but art commissions are so expensive that I don’t want to be overcharging either. Most of the comms I have done have come with tips, so I guess people are willing to pay a bit more than I was charging anyway, but even then I don’t want to crank the prices high just because a few people are willing to pay more. I’m charging based on time, I just need to sort out how long things take.

Final point, comic writing/thumbnailing is going well, I’m at 25.5/32. Unsure how bad editing is going to be, but I’m kinda editing as I go along so I don’t anticipate it’ll be that bad. I’m expecting to be able to actually start making pages soon. What comes next could either be a continuation or a pitch for the other story. I get more questions about the other story, so I’m tempted, but I also feel like it’s a harder sell than the first. Whatever I need to finish the first one first, and that’s what I’ll do.

I’m still messed up on sleep and flareups are also picking up pretty bad, but only in the mornings, so I bet if I get more sleep they’ll go away too. Either way I do have a consult for the next surgery to deal with that in a couple months, so I should hopefully be okay. Plan tonight is to either draw some more or record some stuff

last part of wips🎉🎉🔥🔥🔥

these are actually from an au im making,, i really wanna talk more abt it but its not that interesting and i wanna do it on a post where the drawings are like. finished😞also its not fully fleshed out and as the time passes it feels more and more lame but i wanna share it anyway just so i can get it out of my system

its an au where nervous subject doesnt get taken away (or an au where olive is *slightly* a better mother..) not that original imo

i paired olive with a random girl in sims 3 ^_^(its paris vanderblit) (idk anything abt her sorry paris vanderblit community) (they dont end well as expected)

this is annie howell and nervous as teens!!!... but im not sure abt their designs yet

they're both gay but don't know it yet/can't accept it.. they're dating because they've been really close since they were kids and as they grew older they couldnt figure out the difference between platonic and romantic feelings + they dont have any other friends they're both freaks

so naturally to fit in they just started dating and they both became miserable from being in a relationship with someone they dont have romantic feelings for which made them bitter and annoying towards eachother AND they ruined a perfectly good friendship for no reason

ermmm sorry if you ship them but this is how my interpretation is tbh to be honest

ALSO NERVOUS' NAME SHOULD BE DIFFERENT OLIVE DEFINITELY DIDNT NAME HIM THAT BUT I CANT THINK OF ANY SO IM JUST GONNA STICK WITH THAT.. YEA

Bee bee bee bee :D a little Icy update for you... I'm going to NYC in a few weeks to meetup with some online friends!!! It feels like ages since I sent that ask-- Oh wait . That was on anon SCREAMING aha anyways . I was that really anxious anon asking about advice for meeting up with online friends lmao 😭😭😭 back then the plan was very different and for a small town and possibly Staying with them and the whole plan was just... not as safe of an idea as it is now so I was really anxious at the time BUT I found out that NYC is actually not?? That expensive to go to during the offseason?? And it's close to where my dad lives so I can go visit him after so it works out perfectly:D

But yeah, I do still really appreciate you replying all those months ago<3 really helped me out in the moment eueueeu

ANYWAYS . YASS Its really funny bc?? Another one of my online friends (one who I've known for Five Years now holyshit) is randomly?? Going to be there??? At the same time?? So I'm in total gonna meetup w 3 ppl, one who's my partner and I'm just AAAA I'm so excited. I'm also very nervous bc it's my first time traveling alone but i think it will be very very fun:D

We're gonna go see Hadestown on broadway I'm HYPED also getting matching tatts w my partner<3 I've never gotten a tattoo before but I've been wanting to for ages and I finally got the courage to suggest the tattoos during the trip (which we have been wanting to do for years). I've like grilled every single one of my coworkers and friends who have tattoos about the process lmao and I'm finally. Finally feeling more excited about it than nervous lmao

BUT YESSS :D just wanted to update u bc idk I did really appreciate the advice u gave all those months back<3 also wow I feel like I haven't properly sent a message here in ages... I've been so busy lately plus I randomly got super anxious about being annoying so I gave some space for a bit 😭 bUT IM BACK >:D you'll never get rid of me hehehe

Anywyas. Wowie. That got long lmao pulling a snowflake SENDING HUGS AND COOKIES AND (icy addition) TEA!! I love tea sm... I'm gonna make some rn

oh that was YOU??? I remember that ask! I'm so glad you were able to plan things out better to make yourself feel safer. and yeah NYC definitely isn't as expensive as people think it is if it's the offseason, especially bc I feel like the expected 'image' of new york as this sparkling glittering city has kind of chilled out over the years (probably because thanks to the wonders of social media we can all witness the natural wonders of new york—the rats)

that sounds so awesome though!! such a wild coincidence that you're gonna get to meet up with your other friend just by chance. and I'm so happy you're getting to hang out with your partner as well!! you're gonna have such a great time. and traveling alone is very fun in my opinion so I wouldn't worry too much about it. I actually way prefer traveling alone, it's so nice to just be able to chill out in airports by myself so I think you'll have a good time :)

and tattoos that's so cool!! I'm glad you've asked around about them, and if you have any other qs about the tattoo process feel free to hmu I have 5 of them. also I'm sure you've heard this already so I won't say much, but if you're getting a matching tattoo with your partner make sure it's of something that you'd want as a tattoo if it was just on you and not matching with someone else. just make sure it's something you want for the tattoo itself not just the match factor

I'm glad my advice helped <33 I hope you have an amazing time!! NYC is such a fun city, it's one of my favorite places in the US outside of California

Having a game that you love taken from you in any way is rough (I wouldn’t know what to do if my ykw saves were messed with after I already lost the cartridge from the first game which was a gift) but I wouldn’t say to never trust your siblings I’m pretty sure that’s paranoia and it could very well bleed into your everyday making you not trust anyone ever

But as a younger sibling myself who was an ass when I was younger, they will lie and do it again if you make a big deal about this for what reason I can’t say idk why I did things myself and if you don’t make a big deal then their likely to do it again bc ‘you didn’t care much last time’ and if you try and talk it out with them they’ll probably see it annoying so there’s no real winning and this does feel a bit harsh to say but that probably won’t change until they grow up so you’ll really just have to tell them to buzz off for the most part maybe hiding your game in your parents room would work for now though

Gonna use yhe codenamed because I think im being a bit confusing about which brother did which

Purple = Oldest. He is in his 20s

Blue = Younger. He is 16

Green = youngest. He is 12

I'm not super mad at Green. He was nine when he originally hid it, but I am mad he hid it for so long. Again, he's twelve, and also a huge asshole so I'm not super surprised nor did I trust him much anyway.

Blue and I have alwasy been close. We share things with eachother that we don't share with anyone else. Ever. He's matured a lot since he was a kid, and he knew how upset I was about losing the game. He knew where it was, he knew who took it, and he never said. And it's not because he was wanting Green to own up to it, because he and Green already have a shitty relationship and he only brought up the point that he "convinced" Green to give it back after I was already clearly upset.

Purple is the oldest, and while I'm not as close to him as I am with Blue, I at least expected him to be mature enough to idk. Let me know what was going on?? He also knew, although he claims he couldn't remember who took it. And due to that he thought it would be a bad idea to tell me because I'd "make things worse and make everyone angrier." Thanks Purple, real vote of confidence.

And yeah I'm not saying I'm never going to trust my brothers again, just that they don't deserve it right now. This whole stunt has hurt me bad. Not just because it's over a "silly game" but because they've been playing with my feelings over it for LITERAL. YEARS. and now I don't know what else has been said and done behind my back like this, to pull a sick joke on me for "talking to much about it".

And they're not getting the chance to do this again. I'm taking my games and keeping them far away from them. They don't even think what they did was wrong

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

A NIGHT TO REMEMBER !

what happened when gojos bestfriend hits on you at the fair?

cw: gojo x f!reader, reader is shorter than gojo, profanity, also i wrote this with the idea of them being in college, but really it works for anything 1.6k words.

this was in my head in the shower… idk what provoked it but!! i did not proofread this.. title is a bea reference :>

holy shit he's an asshole gojo thought to himself. right now he was watching his best friend, geto, practically throw himself all over you in front of his face, while him and shoko wait in the concession line. gojo frantically takes out his phone, while simultaneously glaring at you and geto

GOJO suguru bro, i don't know what i did to you in a past life but PLEASE STOP 😭

GOJO stop flexing your tiny ass muscles to her she’s never gonna want me if you do that

GETO dude, you've had so many opportunities at this carnival, be romantic and win them a stuffy or some shit bro i dunno. make a move or i will

GOJO WE GOT HERE 15 MINUTES AGO>??

geto smirks, shuts off his phone, and places it back in his pocket. shoko she insisted on going with gojo to hold all the food. she could’ve stayed back with you. geto speaks up, "you cold?" you offer him a grin, "a little.."

if only it'd been satoru asking you, offering his jacket to you. you can dream, right?

your thoughts are cut off by him humming, his eyes on your face illuminated by the bright LED's and rides around you. if you didnt know any better you'd think — the voice in your head is once again cut off, but not by geto, gojo.

he's nearly sprinting, bumping into people and uttering apologies. "guys i got the food!!!" you slightly smile at his action, you've always liked that he could make you laugh. shoko's wearing a very obviously annoyed look while slowly trailing behind him holding a funnel cake and those big ass lemonade cups. why'd she go if she was only going to hold two things? satoru could've carried them.

"the lines were so long, guys you don't get it" gojo drags out the so long part, hoping you guys sympathize with him. "did you get my fries?" geto asks. "oh shit... looks like i forgot! i did get your nachos though bro."

shoko speaks for the first time since her and gojos return "he didn't forget, he did that on purpose. he's mad about -" "anyways! y/n, i didn’t know what you wanted so i just got a pretzel"

you smile and take them out of his hand so he has less stuff to carry, "thanks satoru, that was really sweet of you. id be happy with whatever you got me though!" shoko snickers while gojo sends geto a smug look.

╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

you take a big inhale as you step up to the carnival game, all you had to was knock down the 3 stacked cups. damn this looks harder than i expected. gojo and geto were doing their own thing close by, and shoko was beside you rooting for you.

"fuck" was all you could say, unfortunately you only had 5 throws, and while you did manage to knock two down, the third one stayed standing so it didnt count. "its all good, you should go ask satoru to win it for you", she says satoru in almost a child like way, making fun of you for your crush on the white haired guy. the both of you scoot out the way, making room for the people in line to have a go.

"he wouldn't, not right now at least, he's over there yapping away to sugu" reaching toward shoko, who fortunately still had funnel cake, you stuff your mouth with a piece of it. while youre focused on eating, she exchanges a glance with geto, both of them nodding.

"hey y/n, i think im gonna go talk to suguru and go get another lemonade" shoko starts walking away, but you continue,

"oh okay thats fine! i might go get on the swings again" shoko had really done it this time. you can see her and suguru walking and laughing to each other as they walk around the carnival talking about god knows what. meanwhile, gojo makes his way toward you, quite awkwardly actually. you finish wrapping up your text to shoko which read;

TO: SHOKO im ngl, im actually going to hurt you!!! yk i can't be left alone w him in a place like this.. im going to embarrass myself

"where are they off to? suguru didnt tell me shit he just left with shoko" gojo runs his right hand through his hair.

"shoko told me she was going to get more lemonade, but i highly doubt it. she's gonna have to piss" the taller man in front of you laughs and starts talking,

"yeah, one day in freshman year, she told me she'd rather be dead than use a porta potty and that. . . " fuck why does he have to be so pretty? had his eyes always shined like that? maybe it was the lighting from the neon rides around you, but that doesn't distract you from the way his hair is blowing in the wind.

satorus voice finally is audible in your head again, ". . . anyways you wanna go on that ship ride? sugurus too chicken to go with me"

shit. "yeah! shoko's been too engrossed with that big ass funnel cake to go on rides, so we stuck to the mini games" "great cmon!" he grabs your wrist and guides you to the line. fortunately for the both of you, by the time you guys made it over there, the ride had ended and they were loading on new people.

╔══ ❀•°❀°•❀ ══╗

"don't manspread asshole!" "sorry." satoru had undeniably long legs.

"you nervous?" he asks turning his head to look at you fully with a smile. "yeah im gonna fucking shit myself, if i fall out, i blame you."

"awhhh its okay, i wouldn't let you fall out you're too good for that"

"oh yeah? what would you do."

"intervene."

the employees check the last 2 people to make sure they're secure, and shortly after, the ride starts. somewhere along the seventh swing, you clasp both of your hands around satorus left hand. his hands were warm. he glances down and looks back up at you, "you 'bout to cry?" fuck him and his stupid condescending voice and pretty blue eyes.

"no im about to throw you off the ride im so terrified right now, and it’s kind of cold which isn’t helping” you remove your hands from his and cross them around your waist.

the ride ends and you could not be happier to have your feet back on stable ground. you look around for geto and shoko, hoping that they could magically find the two of you and make things less awkward.

gojo drapes his jacket over your shoulders but before you could even get a word out he explains, “you uh, mentioned you were cold on the ride” how are you meant to function if he’s looking down at you like that? “thanks but what about you?”, you put your arms through the sleeves of his jacket and zip it up halfway.

“don’t you see the resemblance? i’m elsa, the cold never bothered me anyway!” if you were a bystander, you’d think he was crazy with the way his hands were positioned on his hips like he was a super hero.

from his point of view, you were beautiful. it’s almost cinematic the way his mind nearly watches you laugh in slow motion, your smile was the brightest thing to him, even at night. i’m so in love with you. fuck did he say that out loud?

you’re taken by surprise, obviously. god you wish you could just facetime shoko and beg her for advice like the many times before. your lips were pressed together, and then you find the words.

“i’m sorry you’re what?” well.. maybe those weren’t the right words.

“i’m in love with you”, he says more confidently than before. “hey it’s completely okay if you don’t feel the same way, i can’t force you to like me back”

you feel the blood rushing to your cheeks, youd played out this and possibly 60 other different scenarios in your head about this happening. “nonono! i do like you back, i have for a while actually… i just didn’t expect for this to be happening you know?”

he rubs the back of his neck with his hand, “well, ‘m glad you feel the same way” the moment between the two of you felt like you guys were the only two people in that carnival. both of your faces were inches away from eachother. it’s like—

“damn”, you could hear the smile in the persons voice, which obviously belongs to shoko. both her and geto are staring the two of you down. she holds out her hand to geto and he plants a 1000 yen in her hand.

“shoko oh my god” you go over to her and wrap your arms around her. “gross you have satorus jacket. do not touch me until you get that contaminated shit off” while you and shoko argue about that, geto speaks up to gojo, “you still didn’t win her a plush, you’re already on a bad start to being a boyfriend”

the taller one furrows his brows, “hey! we aren’t dating yet and i actually planned on it before you and idiot number 2’s entrance”

“nah bro i saw you, you looked like you wanted to punch your with her lips” ironically suguru punches satoru in the shoulder. “whatever! im gonna go win her one right now” — “cmon y/n” he grabs your arm once again and you give shoko a sympathy smile while she just laughs.

you’re not sure if the two of you are dating after that little confession, but whatever it was, you liked it.

continued... December 13, 2023

Yesterday was the office trivia which we needed more people so I had also invited him expecting him to not say yes so quickly but he did! I offered to pick him up cause I knew he lived DT and he also said yes again & gave me his number. He was really friendly, he did engage & ask questions which I liked. Trivia was fun even though both of us barley contributed. Shane, Kamber, Amber, Naythan, Nick, Ali, Troy & i. It was a fun night, I got to know Troy better and we had a good brief chat on the way home about church and trying to connect with people. I can't read him too well but I mean, who says yes to a NYE night & a trivia night so quickly if they don't want to connect? Idk. I'm certainly not getting my hopes up & keeping it causal. I've been thinking about thanking him again for picking up my tab (even tho it was a server error) but I remember Daniel telling me about some reasons why Troy & his ex broke up so I thought about saying thank you & gently putting it out there that Id buy him a beer whenever he's free, I don't want to come across too much at first here though so Ill give it a bit of time. Who knows, I guess we'll find out over time and we'll see what NYE brings. Yesterday, was 2 weeks since I last spoke to Zack, I've been doing good not thinking about him much & not caring. I almost got past thinking that he'd reach out again but he did. Texted me asking if he could explain what happened & that he doesn't deserve it but had to try. I haven't responded. I don't plan to. He really fucked me up and really does not deserve to talk to me again. I'm happier without him. I need to move on and I can't get sucked back in, that's so damn toxic and honestly I don't care. I'm SURE he was high again when we were talking at some point over that weekend and that Monday night so I don't need an explanation, I know what he's going to say, it's always the same shit and I'm over it. Oh and Connor, yea also tried of that shit. I'm so tired of being an option and inconsistency. We talked a bit after the last time I saw him and then his last text back was again just giving me nothing to work off, he's such a shitty texter so my response was somewhat cut off I know he didn't have anything to comment back other than if he asked how im doing which he didnt so I left it. It was a couple days, till my IG got hacked & he texted me, again which we exchanged very few words and gave me nothing so I thought Id asked how his week was cause I knew he was off those days. went back & forth like one or two more times but again still just fuck all so I didn't bother responding, then he did text me the next night when I went to Shanes christmas party & again few exchanges back, I knew he was close to his time off so we talked about him having the next two weeks off and then he said "well have to hang again soon" which I commented back "ya let me know when if you'd like to" along with another little text acknowledging his plans for his time off & of course no response like fuck me. then last night texts about the knights game with literally like 3 words and an emoji so I gave him nothing back, it's pathetic and I'm not going to engage in being someone to entertain someone while they're bored. Gosh men are so fucking annoying and lazy and non committal. I swear I might really just be single for a long ass time. Anyways, that's the last week or so. I'm really thankful for Amber & Naythan, it will be really nice to spend the holidays with them and I hope to continue focusing on myself and putting myself first.

hi there 🤍

they aren’t coming anywhere near me this year so i don’t think i’ll be able to but i would’ve loved to </3 also i actually haven’t seen their setlist so i have no idea which older songs they’re still performing it’s wild to think they have three more albums since i saw them lmao and i hate how expensive resale tickets are nowadays and how a lot of them end up being scams. fuck those ppl for stealing from fans.

she calls me back with those drums and that guitar gives me such roadtrip vibes i need to do it at some point in my life. and i never thought of part of me as like a maybe niall/1d song but you’re so right! they share a similar structure. and anyway just hits me square in the chest every fucking time idk what he put in that song but my mental illness cannot get over it ❤️‍🩹

i definitely recommend about time for a quiet night in bed with some comfort food, it’s a very domestic? and casual? romcom but with a magical twist that adds a hint of (more?) drama to the story. and sex life of college girls is deadpan hilarious, i’ve been loving the second season so much, they’re all dramatic and a little problematic but ultimately pretty much what you’d expect from college girls lmao and oh i hope you get to watch young royals soon! my heart ached so much for wilhem and simon the whole season and there’s a couple of characters that i just 💀 drama drama drama all over again rip

here’s some more love since it’s midweek and a little push to finish off the week is always appreciated imo 💖💕💗💓💞💝

- ☁️

hiiii ✨

it sucks they aren’t coming anywhere close to u 😔 and no literally the resale prices for everything are insane and i hate it so much!!!! i’ve seen so many people selling $30 concert tickets for $300+ and for what??? it’s the most annoying thing

omg yes!!! the roadtrip vibes!!! manifesting u can do that it would be amazing 🫶🏻 also ur so right about anyway it’s painful 😭 i had to sit in silence for a min after i listened to it the first time fjshsjs

i love movies like that!!! anything cozy and im down for it. and im definitely adding sex life of college girls to my watchlist now!! it sounds like my kind of show!! also please can the universe just let wilhem and simon be happy 😭😭 there was so much drama in season 1 im not sure im ready for all the season 2 drama 🫠😭

thank u 💗✨ i got overstimulated in the grocery store so any love is appreciated fjshsjs sending u good vibes for the rest of ur week/weekend 💗💗🫶🏻