#anyway this was supposed to just be a stupid pun but summoner’s face made it better I think | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

delimeful · 4 years

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you will see a better day

donation drive commission for @starrykid with the prompt: Remus dealing with intrusive thoughts and the others helping him through it.

warnings: canon setting, intrusive thoughts (a fair amount), gore mentions, implications of thoughts of self harm, Remus Going Thru It

Before, whenever he had a Bad Day, it was just more fuel on the trash fire that was his brain.

It was routine: Remus would wake up with a litany of grotesque images on the back of his eyelids, present every time he blinked or squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. These thoughts weren’t the fun kind of gross, the type that was fascinating or funny. They weren’t fun because he didn’t choose them, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of them if he didn’t like them.

Guess that was how everyone else felt about you. Remus mashed a pillow over his own face as though it would muffle his own mind. What a stupid thought. He was a luxury few could afford, thank-you-very-much!

Back then, as soon as possible, he would find someone else in the Mindscape to bother, because if he had to deal with the awful thoughts carving and chipping away at the inside of his skull, it was only fair to share.

That was before, when things had been black and white and he could be a monster all he pleased because it wasn’t like anyone else thought differently. It wasn’t like Thomas thought differently.

Until he did.

And now they were all in one muddled up Mindscape and the others were trying, making an effort to clot their own bad habits and setting a place for him at the table. It was slow-going, like shoving a square peg into a circular hole, but it was also the most he’d ever had. Until something splintered, he was going to soak in every minute of it.

Or at least, that was his plan, up until he hit another Bad Day like a semi truck hit thrice-dead roadkill.

Same thoughts, same pounding (heh) headache. The difference was, now he couldn’t go word-vomit all over the nearest Side until he felt a little less like he was drowning. He was working to keep the delicate peace in his own way, and that meant not bothering the others with his… himself-ness on days like these.

He couldn’t stay in his room all day, though. For one it was boring, and for two, ever since they’d all agreed to try and cohabitate, Patton and Janus in particular were insistent on checking in if anyone acted strange. Cooping up in his room and not being his usual fantastically sickening and outrageous self would definitely pop up on their radar. If that happened, there was no way he could fool Janus outright. He preferred his own brand of frank honesty anyways, so clearly the only solution was to behave normally enough that nobody looked twice.

His version of normal, anyhow.

He groaned loudly and then dragged in a breath, manifesting a pair of slippers that looked uncannily like dead fish onto his feet. He would just have to put his excellent acting skills to use.

—-

Remus’s willpower was put to the test as soon as he reached the kitchen. A new record of his ability to destroy plans, this must be why Janus never told him anything.

Patton was spinning himself in circles on one of the round stools by the bar counter, humming a cartoon theme brightly to himself. At the stovetop, Virgil was sedately flipping pancakes, an easy set to his shoulders that meant he had probably recently taken a long-overdue nap in Logan’s room.

Normally, Remus would already be halfway into teasing the hell out of him, but now his brain felt scrambled with panic. Virgil was particularly susceptible to getting dragged into the cycle of intrusive thoughts on days like these, which meant the anxious Side was the last one he wanted to run into at the moment.

Two birds with one brick, his stupid hell brain suggested slyly. Send Virgil into a spiral and then it’ll be him who gets nagged, his fault for ruining the friendly atmosphere.

Stop it. Remus’s face twitched into a self-directed snarl for a moment, and he forced the thought away as Patton finally slowed his rotation to smile dizzily at him.

“Remus! Good morning!”

Virgil glanced over his shoulder, sending Remus’s heart rate briefly into the triple digits. Be normal be normal be normal. “Hey, Re. Morning.”

He didn’t even notice. So much for being your friend. If you’re subtle enough, you could sidle up behind him and smash his face into the hot burner—

“WHAT’S UP, FUCKERS!” Remus shouted, teeth spread in a too-wide grin. He bounced into the kitchen, depositing an assorted handful of teeth (his preferred currency) into the swear jar before Patton could say anything, and planted himself on the middle bar stool.

Patton scooted one stool closer to be next to him, because of course he did. Remus resisted the urge to start prying out handfuls of hair, his own or— no. Toned down, he was keeping it toned down. Buttcheek on a stick, this was difficult.

“Want to spin with me?” Patton asked, shifting antsily from side to side with barely contained energy.

“Whoever pukes first wins?” Remus replied automatically, and felt a bright burst of giddy joy when Patton giggle-snorted instead of recoiling.

“I think upchuck is actually supposed to mean you lose your lunch and the spinning contest, kiddo.”

Of course it did. You were designed to be the loser, even if you try to change the rules.

Remus knew that this time Patton had spotted the way his lips twitched down into a grimace, but before the fatherly side could say anything, there was the clink of ceramic plates on the counter in front of them.

“No spinning and/or vomiting if you want to eat my pancakes,” Virgil demanded, wielding a spatula threateningly at them as he clicked the stovetop off. “We’ll never hear the end of it from Princey if he has to reconjure all the furniture.”

Irrational, heated anger burned through him. Like Virgil could do anything to stop you. Social interaction was enough to give the guy a panic attack, he couldn’t tell Remus to do or not do anything—

“You good, Re?” Virgil asked, and he jerked, avoiding the other Side’s gaze as though eye contact would expose his thoughts. After a beat too long, his mind finally caught up with the plate in front of him.

His pancake was covered in a truly disgusting amount of cheese and ketchup, the way he always requested it back when they’d all been Dark Sides. Despite the fact that he always made a face back then, Virgil had made a point to remember, had done it without asking.

Like ravenous wolves, his thoughts instantly turned against him.

Pathetic. How could you think things like that about people who trust you? You shouldn’t even be here, pretending to be a person. You deserve everything coming to you.

His hand made it halfway to the fork sitting innocently next to his plate before he remembered himself. Virgil was still looking at him, clearly having caught the motion, and Remus lowered his hand, white-knuckled.

“Me, good? That’s a funny one, V-mo!” he tried to joke, but the odd edge to his voice made it fall flat. Virgil was outright frowning now, and out of the corner of his vision Patton’s eyebrows were drawing together.

“What’s wrong?” Virgil asked, his frame tight with tension and his gaze drilling into Remus. “Are you hurt?”

“I could be!” Remus blurted, trying to keep his tone saucy but ending up with something closer to desperate. “You ever think maybe bashing my skull in would be better than having to deal with its contents?”

The two of them winced, and he knew he’d given himself away completely. Shit.

Virgil reached out, and then stopped himself before he could make contact. Can you blame him? Jumping into an electrified tank of leeches would be more comfortable than willingly exposing himself to you.

Something of his internal diatribe must have shown on Remus’s face, because Virgil’s hesitant expression flickered into regret.

“Shit,” he swore, and this time Patton didn’t chide him. “I can’t-- I don’t want to send you into a spiral, Re. If I touch you, we’re just going to be stuck in a feedback loop of bad thoughts.”

“Like how you’re perpetually stuck in 2009?” Remus offered, instead of listing all the ways he could feasibly remove Virgil’s eyes from their sockets. It would almost be fun, if it wasn’t his friend’s eyes he was contemplating prying out with a spoon handle.

Virgil’s lips pulled up slightly. “Yeah, just like that. I’m gonna go get the others. They’ll be able to help you for real.”

He sunk out, and Remus’s head started to ache more severely as terrible and often gory predictions for the future began to crowd his mind. He shoved his hands into the roots of his hair and tugged ferociously.

“Hey, buddy, you shouldn’t pull on your hair like that,” a concerned voice chimed in. Remus had almost forgotten Patton was still there, sitting only a seat away.

He pulled harder on his hair, both out of spite and to distract himself from the urge to summon a weapon and see if Patton would still look at you with so much pity if you shanked his ass and tied his intestines into little bows.

“Hey, what do you call a seasick croc?” Patton asked, abruptly enough that Remus managed to shake his train of thought. He glanced up to look at the Heart, who offered him a tremulous mischievous smile. “A crocobile.”

Remus snorted, and Patton’s smile seemed to firm up.

“How about, why do ducks have tail feathers?” the moral Side asked in that same leading tone.

Remus thought for a minute. “‘Cause otherwise they’d lose their balance in flight and go splat against the nearest window?”

“I mean, maybe, but also!” Patton held up a finger for emphasis. “They have tail feathers to cover their… butt-quacks.”

There was a beat of anticipation where they both stared at each other, and then Remus threw his head back and outright cackled. Patton fist pumped in delight.

“I thought you might like that one, kiddo,” he said, beaming. Before Remus could reply, possibly with an atrocious pun of his own, Roman strode into the room.

There was a brief, awkward pause as the two of them made eye contact. Patton looked rapidly between them with concern, and Remus couldn’t blame him. Even now, their one-on-one interactions tended to end with vicious spats. They were too good, too practiced at pressing each other's buttons to settle into the newfound peace easily.

“... Bad one?” he finally asked, as though he could spot the wrong-evil-awful all over Remus from a mile away. Remus felt his expression drop into an irritable glower worthy of Anxiety, but before he could retort, Roman was seating himself primly on the communal couch.

He ran his hand through the hair at the nape of his neck in a nervous habit Remus constantly teased him about, and then straightened his shoulders and patted the cushion next to him. “I’ll… like when we were kids. If you want.”

Despite Patton’s confused head tilt, Remus got it immediately, and ignored the screaming violence in his head in favor of bodily throwing himself over the couch, jostling the hell out of his brother and eliciting a Grade-A Bitchface from him in the process. Remus grinned maliciously in return.

“Do the one that looks like a snake,” he demanded, running a hand through his hair and lengthening it. Of course, in addition, thick clumps of hair ended up falling out entirely, leaving weird-feeling bald patches that might have been interesting if he’d actually intended to create them.

“On purpose or don’t want it?” Roman asked, echoing a familiar question from their childhood. It had been a royal decree, before they grew so divided, that one had to ask before ‘fixing’ anything the other did, just in case it was on purpose.

“How are you supposed to braid what isn’t there?” Remus grumbled, gnawing on the inside of his cheek as he unwillingly imagined restapling his hair to his skull. “Don’t want it.”

Roman dragged his fingers through Remus’s hair, lengthening it until it was long enough to do all sorts of stupid-complicated braids. He also made the new hair unforgivably glossy and apple-scented, but Remus could get him back for that later, when he was sure it wouldn’t be (nails through nasal cavities, a cloud of suffocating darkness, decaying hands pulling you down into freshly turned soil and burying you alive) disproportionate retribution.

Two braids later, Logan appeared, rising up in the mindscape with his tie perfectly aligned but lab goggle imprints around his eyes. He only took a moment to absorb the scene, as though it was normal that everyone was crowding around Remus attentively. “Virgil informed me that you could use some assistance?”

Remus snorted. “Maybe you can perform some impromptu brain surgery to stop me thinking? Hey, if you don’t use anesthetic, I promise not to squirm too much, doc.”

“I don’t believe that man’s ever been to medical school,” Roman quoted absently, still caught up in combining three braids together into one.

Logan rolled his eyes. “Regardless of my unfortunately lacking PhD status, I believe brain surgery to ‘stop one thinking’ is also colloquially referred to as an induced coma.”

“Perfect!” Remus cheered, and then yelped when Roman tugged on his hair harshly in retribution. Patton was making that half-pitiful, half-furious face that he always made whenever the emo talked bad about himself, strangely enough.

“There are plenty of adjectives I could use to describe such a solution, but none of them would be ‘perfect’, Remus,” Logan continued. “A more effective and patient-friendly answer would be addressing your irritating or harmful thoughts through the use of various mental health tactics.”

Easy for him to say. “That might work for Tommy-boy, but I am the harmful or irritating thoughts, remember?”

“Falsehood.” Logan declared, proving that no matter what aspect of Thomas they were, the Sides were all dramatic theater kid bastards at heart. “It has become increasingly clear that while we all formed to handle certain tasks or aspects, we are all increasingly complex at heart. None of us can be diminished to simply one trait. In the same way that Virgil is much more than the experience of anxiety, there is no logical reason to reduce yourself to the thoughts that you struggle with.”

Remus shook his head, though he wasn’t sure what part of the assertion he was resisting. Logan folded himself into a sitting position and reached over for Remus’s hand, his touch grounding.

“You’ve gotten through days like this before. You’ll continue to do so after,” Logan told him.

“I got through Bad Days by making everyone’s day bad,” Remus retorted. “I’m not you, but I’m not stupid. Nobody wants me making it into a communal event.”

“That’s what family’s for though,” Patton said, shifting closer from his own spot on the rug. “Listening. Helping. Having each other’s backs when things get tough!”

Logan’s grip didn’t falter. Roman’s presence was solid at his back. Remus was beginning to wonder if he’d snorted something hallucinogenic recently.

“The sentiment is admirable, if a bit hypocritical,” a familiar voice chimed in, and Remus looked up to see Janus leaning elegantly against the kitchen archway. Virgil elbowed his way past, ruining the dramatic pose and flopping down on the couch next to Remus. He bumped his shoe against Remus’s leg in quiet camaraderie.

“Hypocritical?” Logan echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Unless you’d like to tell me that everyone here has no problems whatsoever asking for help or expressing vulnerability on their bad days,” Janus proposed, smugly.

Logan inclined his head slightly. “Point.”

“Regardless, that doesn’t make Logic or Morality incorrect.” Janus looked at Remus intently. “None of us are allowed to simply suffer in silence, anymore.”

“I didn’t exactly suffer in silence before,” he pointed out, sounding uncannily sensible. Probably from the nerd’s proximity.

“Then you shouldn’t have a problem now, hmm?” Janus replied.

Logan sighed at them all, collectively, in general. “Look at it from this angle, Remus. Your previous coping mechanism was generally detrimental due to your lack of options and isolation. Now, you have neither of those holding you back. With knowledge and assistance, you can only improve from here on out.”

Now, that was doubtful. “And what if I don’t, huh? What if I just get worse?”

“Then we’ll still be here.” Logan squeezed his hand, and Janus confirmed his words with a nod, and even though his mind was cluttered and overwhelming, they were all still there at his side without complaint.

Maybe it wasn’t too much to ask, after all.

“Well, what are we trying first?”

#sanders sides #ts remus #ts janus #ts roman #ts patton #ts logan #ts virgil #donation drive #commissioned works #writing #my writing #starrykid #woohoo!#hurt/comfort #found family

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izzyfandoms · 3 years

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Logicality - Demon

(This is one of 36 Halloween-themed ficlets I'm posting today! One for every sides/Remy/Emile/Thomas ship plus creativitwins!)

GENERAL TAGLIST: @quillfics42 @aj-draws @phantomofthesanderssides @phlying-squirrel @sly-is-my-name-loving-is-my-game @because-were-fam-ily @imtryingthisout @a-creepycookie @emo-disaster @littlestr @spooky-scary-virgil @fuyel @mimsidoodles @soupgremlin @aroaceagenderfluid @birdsbookshiddeninrealbirdsskin @quirkalurk @gingers-trashy-stuff @iinyxtello @justaqueercactus @melodiread @mrbubbajones @spookedferns @pun-master-logan @gayturtlez @k1ngtok1

Masterpost

Logan cursed as he messed up the summoning spell again, spilling lamb's blood all over his fingers. He had gallons spare - he was well prepared for this, after all - but it was still inconvenient to clean up every time.

He had to get up, wash his hands, and wipe down the table and all of his contents, every single time he made this mistake. Then, he would have to restart the spell - which would take ten minutes to cast in its entirety.

If Logan wasn't absolutely certain that he needed this spell - and the deal that would follow it - he would have given up two tries again. It was a difficult spell, the hardest one he had ever tried, and it was almost giving him more trouble than it was worth.

"Wow, I'm pretty sure that's the fifth time you messed that part up!" Came a cheerful voice behind Logan, that definitely hadn't been there before.

Logan grabbed the knife off the table, spinning around and suddenly pointing it at the intruder. He knocked over the cup of blood again as he did so - and silently cursed in his head at the mistake - but the intruder had startled him, so that was expected.

The intruder was... clearly a demon. It was a short man, who likely would have looked unassuming - with a blue polo-shirt and a grey cardigan wrapped around his shoulders - if not for the solid black eyes, light blue horns and too-wide smile on his face.

He looked like a dad who had just been possessed, which is why that was what Logan immediately assumed he was.

Not what he'd expected, sure, as he hadn't even completed the summoning spell, yet. But a demon had been what he'd wanted, so he supposed this wasn't entirely bad news.

"I had not completed the summoning spell, yet," Logan said, lowering the knife a little, but not completely putting it down. "How are you here?"

The demon took a step closer to him, still with that cheery - probably supposed to be friendly-looking - smile settled on his face.

"I could tell someone was trying to summon me," he explained. "So I decided to save you the trouble and just come here, anyway!"

"So... you're Patton, then?"

"Yup!"

Logan was still a little unsettled at the sight of the demon, but, unfortunately, that had been what he had been aiming to summon, despite the probable stupidity of his plan.

"Right..." Logan said slowly.

He didn't put down the knife, but he did loosen his grip on it, letting it just hang by his side in a hopefully unthreatening gesture.

"So, what do you want, Logan?" Patton asked, his smile never falling.

Logan blinked, taking a step back.

"How do you know my name?"

Patton giggled, the laugh sounding completely unhuman, ringing through the air like too-loud bells and making Logan wince.

"I did my research before coming down here to see you," Patton said. "I hope that doesn't upset you, but it should speed this up!"

"Okay... so, do you know what I want?"

Patton nodded. "Yup!"

"But, then why did you ask?"

"To be polite," Patton smiled. "I didn't want to seem rude, or scare you off."

Logan's brow creased. This interaction was getting more and more confusing, very different from anything he had expected from a deal with a demon. He had thought it would be harder than this, and that maybe the demon would look more threatening than somehow who dressed like a dad.

Though, Logan supposed, his style contrasted greatly with his demon horns and demon eyes, and that was more unsettling than a regular demonic presence would have been.

"Is it too much to ask?" Logan questioned cautiously. "My... request?"

Patton shook his head. "Nope! I can do it, easy-peasy!"

Logan took a deep breath, not sure whether he was relieved or disappointed by the answer. Well, he certainly wasn't excited at the part that would come next.

"And my end of the deal would be giving you my soul, I presume?"

Patton laughed again, loud and unsettling, though not at all unfriendly, which was perhaps the most unsettling part of it all.

"Nope!"

Logan paused. "What?"

"Nope," Patton repeated, shaking his head. "I don't trade for souls."

Logan blinked. "But... I heard..."

"I do make deals," Patton corrected. "But never for souls, silly! I'm not that kinda demon, you know? I only trade with humans with goals I respect, and my end of the bargain is getting something other than souls."

Logan dreaded to ask. "What do you trade for, then?"

Patton smiled. "Friendship!"

There was a moment of confused silence.

"What?" Logan exclaimed.

"Friendship!" Patton repeated. "If I grant your wish, you have to spend time with me," he explained. "Hell is just so boring, and the demons there are so mean! I like humans much, much more, but you guys don't tend to like me very much. So, I trade for friendship!"

Logan was... even more confused than he had been before, which really was saying something. He almost felt... sympathy... for the demon, though he still wasn't sure if this was all a trick or not.

"Right..." Logan said slowly. "What does this... friendship... entail?"

Patton smiled. "For a year, we spend four hours a week together. I will show up whenever I please, though only for the set amount of time, and we get to do whatever you want!"

"On earth, though," Logan clarified. "Not hell."

Patton shook his head. "Not hell."

"And... though you choose the times, I get to decide what we do during those four hours a week?"

"Yup!"

That... didn't sound so bad. In fact, Logan was struggling to find any sort of reason to turn down or alter the deal. It seemed like he was getting a bargain: something he didn't totally despise in return for his greatest desire.

It sounded... almost too good to be true, but he'd read that demons were unable to outright lie when making deals, and it seemed like Patton was genuine.

He took a deep breath.

"Okay."

"Okay?" Patton repeated.

"Yes, okay," Logan nodded. "I accept the deal."

He held his hand out for Patton to shake to seal the deal, but the demon just burst out laughing again.

"That's not how you seal deals, silly!"

Logan felt his face heat, and he pulled his hand back suddenly.

"How do you do it, then?"

"With a kiss," Patton said.

Logan froze, and he felt his face somehow warm and redden even further, as Patton looked him over with an amused expression.

"Don't worry," Patton continued. "It's just a short one!"

"Oh- okay."

"Okay?" Patton asked to confirm.

Logan nodded. "Okay. If- if it's just a quick one."

Patton leant forward, cupping Logan's face with hands that were so warm it bordered on uncomfortable. Then, he pressed his lips to Logan's, for just a brief moment.

The kiss... wasn't bad. In fact, it was warm and soft and not at all unpleasant, like Logan had expected it to be.

The kiss was good.

When Patton pulled back, Logan felt a feeling that he certainly hadn't expected to feel in that moment.

Disappointment.

And that disappointment quickly turned into dread when Logan realised... the demon was cute.

#me #writing #logicality #sanders sides #logan sanders #patton sanders #fluff #human au #demon au

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dipplie · 3 years

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Temporary list of my stories and OC’s until one day I make a comprehensive and well made list:

Blinded:

Polli: My oldest OC and fun fact was my persona till she become edgy and I wasn’t 12 anymore. Everyone’s favorite yes yes I’m aware. Yellow, energetic, eats dirt and bugs, I can’t tell if she’s evil because of a wisp possession or just crazy. Breaks the 4th wall. Is she a Mary Sue???????? Who knows.

Melody: NOT Polli’s girlfriend despite Polli’s delousions. Has an abusive mom :(. Only has one eye and then no eyes and then robot eyes or smthn idk she becomes a badass when she gets older. But otherwise trembling in her shoes all the time.

Melodys Mom/Sharren: Bitch. Okay well all I’ll say is she’s old and grumpy and probably smells bad.

Louise: Total hotty, rich kid, FtM, got bullied as a kid for his weight. Had a squad of fans basically in high school. Lived with his mom after his parents got a divorce but his mom was semi abusive, projected her femininity onto him, and wouldn’t have been supportive of his transition, so between middle and high school he went to live with his dad and got his sex change and testosterone. His best friend in elementary and middle school stopped talking to him after his transition, and became his competition for the most attractive and sought after boy in school (except Louise is a sweetheart while his friend Tommy is a dick and really gross) His dad runs a company that specializes in technology, and after meeting and falling in love with Melody (even after all her abusive trauma and losing both her eyes) he has his dad and some of the developers create a way to get her vision back and I mean honestly I love him how could you not love him he’s so perfect.

Watching:

Fick: Big nerd boy with thick glasses. I feel like he’d use Reddit but don’t quote me on that. Big crush on Vivinya. Boy don’t wander into the woods- oh look dead body with a curse on it don’t touch it- aaaand now he has a wisp that makes him kill people, way to go kid. Panic attack central.

Vivinya: True crime girl, yucky yucky. Probably had a knife collection. “uwu I’m insane” except she actually is and starts using Fick to kill people for her and treats him like her “Yandere boyfriend” or something cringe and gross oh god. She deserves jail. JAIL. Needs to learn guys need to give consent too. Just overall sucks 1/10.

Tommy: I mentioned him early to be Louises ex best friend and rival. He used to have a crush on Louise actually but that don’t excuse being a BITCH!!!! Also needs to learn people gotta give consent he is just as gross as Vivinya. Cheats on all the girls he gets with because he’s again, a bitch. Idk if he deserved to get murdered though I mean he was still a teenager but it’s fine. Thinks of the song Seventeen from Heathers actually this story does feel a tad reminiscent of heathers with vivinya being a crazy and wanting to off a bunch of students. Huh.

Suzannie: Tommy’s older sister who’s a detective. What a coincidence. Monotone and depressed. Probably because her little brother got murdered. Gets real awkward when she’s talking about her brothers murder(s) to Fick and Vivinya like “when I find who did this to him they’ll regret being born”. Kind of really pretty actually.

Adolescents (there isn’t actually a story here yet but don’t worry about it shhhh):

Nelson: HIMBO HIMBO H- Jock stupid idiot big dork god he’s so awkward and his main personality trait is having a crush on Naomi and being a dork when talking to her. Probably could benchpress you.

Naomi: Gamer or something and a nerd geek. Her main personality trait is having a crush on Nelson and also being a dork when talking to him. Probably a weeb and fandom dweller. Can’t draw but she commissions artists to draw. She does write copious amounts of fanfiction though.

Andrés: Ohhh the school bad boy babyyyy. Baseball bat with nails in it or something. There’s like... A thing between him in Charlotte and he wants to be a thing but she’s being difficult and makes it hard to talk to her or about her and ugh.

Charlotte: Princess, high school princess. She’s actually pretty nice when you get to know her- but she’s a diva. Ballerina after school. Best friends with Naomi and doesn’t know what she’s talking about when she mentions ships or OTPs but she listens anyways because she’s a good friend. There’s like... A thing between her and Andrés but she doesn’t know if she’s super into him but geez he’s really hot but she gets such mixed responses when she asks her friends about it and what if it doesn’t work outttt.

Marlon: They/Them but they’re okay with either pronouns they aren’t sure yet, he or she is okay... Box boy box boy. Autism... He doesn’t want to admit He’s attracted to men but he’s totally attracted to men. He lives alone which is probably illegal for his age but somehow he manages. Everyone thinks he’s “the quiet kid” and he’s really sad about it no don’t make jokes like that please guys ahh-

Sing for Me:

Kat: The color pink, addahadda(adhd), angry and loud and short. For being only like 10 and being an adorable little lesbian dressing in sparkly pink dresses she actually likes screaming a lot and would totally sing heavy metal if her producers let her. Loud and mad but gets so soft around her girlfriend. “If anything happens to Brie I’m killing everyone in this room and then myself”.

Brie: French... Birds and stuff. Loves her girlfriend even though she is so loud. So fast. So much. Likes to write pretty things. Is only like an inch taller than Kat. Filled with so much love for everything.

Elliot: The girls manager. Lots of coffee. Stressed out of his MIND please help this man. Probably gay. Seems like a smug dick but he is just a tall and lanky dork that loves puppies and wants nothing more than for Kat and Brie to be happy. Accidentally brands them as sisters and then Kat kisses Brie and- oh fuck oh shit oh no what has he done. Hides the fan and non fan responses from them. Poor guy.

Horror Hosts:

Ichabod: Hot demon who’s the son of the current ruler of hell or something. I mean he’s hot, smart, and royalty, what more do you want. I very specifically hear the dub voice of Kyoya Ootori from OHHC as his voice don’t @ me. Goat legs????? Yeah??? Don’t be rude.

Barnabie: Ohhhhhhhhh big orc teddy bear I’m crying I love him????? He puts up a more confident ploy and the given stereotypical personality orcs supposedly have but he’s just a shy boy that wants to give girls flowers and call boys pretty. Help him.

Garrison: Gary Burger. Fat hairy gay man. I mean werewolf. Wouldn’t it be funny if I made the whole werewolf thing backwards and made him transform into a HUMAN only on the full moon??? Party animal, pun absolutely intended. LOUD AND FUNNY he’s a dork. Bites. Horny on main Garrison please you’re supposed pamper and flirt with the guests but not quite that much.

Vincenzo: Token Vampire but he’s Italian because I felt like it. Talk and lanky of course. Bitch face. Blood coffee? Yeah lots of coffee. Tired. Let him sleep in Ichabod. Steps on people. Can summon and reanimate corpses but has a bitter attitude towards them because they get annoyed with him as much as he gets annoyed with- everyone else. He does have a soft spot but idk where it is. When he’s talking to guests he’s more suave and sexy though.

Kai: Genderfluid haha get it because slime fluid-... I’ll stop. Probably objectively the hottest because they can look anyway they want and shift their vocals to sound like almost anything, also probably objectively the best in bed (if you’re okay with the texture of Jell-o) and honestly come on save some for the rest of us it’s not fair. This boy can SING oh my god seranade me and whisper in my ear baby. Spunky and sassy.

Hallvor: BABY OCTOPOD BOY OHHHHH I LOVE HIM HE’S SO SWEET AND IS AN ANGEL DARLING BOY SO EMBARRASSED SO SHY SOFTEST VOICE OHHH- ohhh nooo he’s got a knife ohhhhh Hallvor baby don’t be like that ohhhh... Used to work in hentai actually (I wonder why) but quit because of immoral practices and good for him we love that. Okay he’s not actually a yandere or whatever but he DEFINITELY wants to squeeze you a little too hard and has those crazy eyes.

Carla: Main character of this OHHC monster clone. She sucks I don’t like her because listen listen she kills monsters as a living and when she tries to kill our boys here, Ichabod catches her and goes “no” but then the rest (not knowing her murderous intent) fall in love with her and Ichabod is like: “shoot well I’ll keep you alive and around but I’m watching you” and blah blah romance and feelings and character development and wow she seems like she’s grown to care about them... So Ichabod removes a curse he put to prevent her from harming them or leaving... AND THEN SHE STABS THEM ALL IN THE BACK IM CRYING. I mean she might have an extra reason for needing to kill them but I haven’t decided if I want to actually put it in the story yet so.

Fingertips:

Maria/Marianna: Was this goth angry chick and the head of these losers but after a failed heist, fire, and being betrayed and dropped from a window on a 3rd or 4th story down into flames, and going to the hospital and changing her name, she changed totally and become a soft pretty girl... And then the next three boys went “HEY BOSS WE FOUND YOU” and she went “oh no” and now she’s just an anxious wreck like “no no no no no I don’t shoot people in the face anymore no no no no no” And has a fear of hands. Also was Diamontés best friend in primary school and yes all these characters went to the K-12 school all the other characters do/did. Pretty voice. The story is mostly about her being anxious around all the other characters because who was it that betrayed her and dropped her into the flames below? Find out next week on th-

Nikki: He’s that character that you see and immediately go “oh he’s gross and is angry and is a bitch” and you’re right he is and has a cockney accent and screams a lot and probably swings a knife around a lot, but he’s got a sweet interior (somewhere in there... somewhere) Screamo heavy metal. Him and the rest of these character briefly talked about having a band and then they didn’t and then at the end of the story they do and although he plays guitar mostly, if he does do lead vocals he screams a lot. Bitch.

Anthony: Pretty boy but like the “was in the army” pretty boy vibe. Probably played football in highschool. Pyromaniac. Punches Nikki a lot. Almost gives himbo vibes sometimes, almost. Kind of likes the old timey cozy aesthetic. Plays the piano sometimes but “oh I’m not very good at it” Plays extremely well

Diamonté: TALL. Purple goth boy aesthetic hellll yeahhhh. CRAZY EYES AND THEY SPEAK VOLUMES WATCH OUT. Drums. The scary kind of quiet because he just smiles at you. Crowbar. Okay but he’s actually really sweet though. Secretly loves watching Anthony and Nikki get into fights so that’s why he rarely puts a stop to it. I think he’s a sadist. Can be a gentle giant, but can also be a not so gentle giant. The only time he’s really talkative is after copious amounts of booze.

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: Literally a pimp and he’s pretty gross. Blonde hair and pink and white clothes.

Unnamed/Undesigned 2: Chick that likes to throw knives and be angry and threatens Marianna a lot but in a quiet and monotone way, Marianna is pretty scared and hopes that these are just shallow threats uhhhhh.

Unnamed/Undesigned 3: Sells guns (without a lisence of course) and wears a bandana over his face a lot. Tired. Grumpy.

Unnamed/Undesigned 4: Like Marianna, was cold hearted and cool but then got caught in the fire and got all soft. He only has one eyes but how sweet his eyepatch is a heart. Recoved along side Marianna and they are good friends good friends tha- wait Marianna are you going back with them oh god you can’t do that oh dear oh no oh-

(I don’t have a story or name for these two but they’re my comfort ship OC’s and my current hyper fixaction right now):

Rodriquéz: I literally designed him with almost all the traits I find attractive in a guy other than freckles so as you can imagine I find him super HOT. I also designed his personality on what I find attractive from a guy so as you can imagine I find him super GREAT. But anyways he’s grumpy and closed off and monotone and smug. I really could go on for hours about how I want him to step on me I’m so sorry guys. Both him and Samantha give the “21 and having immature fun” vibes. They’re a thing but they like going to bars together and splitting off and doing their own thing (or doing someone else’s thing if you get what I mean haHhahHhahGahGhaha-) But so help them if anyone doesn’t oblige by the “no” from one of these two, someone’s gonna get beat up.

Samantha: (She literally just my personality shhhhh don’t tell anyone it’s a secret) Bubbly, energetic, a little shy by extroverted, bombshell blonde or something? It took me way too much time and effort to design her but I’m really happy with how I finally designed her, I love her outfit. She could kick me in the face and I’d say thank you. Girly drinks at the bar. Got that trauma and anxiety™️ secretly though. Skips and jumps a lot. As I’m typing this I keep looking up at the drawing of her and more and more I would want her to also step on me.

(Space Story I don’t have a nice title for):

Unnamed/Undesigned 1: So... Funny story this story originally was with me and uh... My ex I guess... So I gotta replace the MC’s... Whoops ahaha... Awkward. But anyways the MC is a robot and a girl and is a slight tsundere or smthn.

Unamed/Undesigned 2: Has a space ship, works for this organization in space that protects the galaxy. Is cocky, lazy, sly, oblivious, and an idiot. The love interest- obviously. Probably accidentally committing space crimes. (Like space pirating hAHAHA-) Kind of cool when he wants to be.

Dandelion/Dandy: CAT. WITH A JET PACK. Kind of an asshole. Fun fact used to be Polli’s cat but then when the Second MC crash landed on earth she was like “fuck this noise I’m going with space boy laterz” (okay she can’t talk but she thought it).

Zizii: Lesbian alien? Yeah???? Okay but I mean her main character trait is being a dorky back alley doctor and engineer obsessed with the MC because they’re a sentient robot with emotions and a lazer arm and rocket boots WOW!!!!!!!!

Story I want to revive:

So I had a story I started writing a long time ago about this tech theatre kid that had a crush on this other theatre kid character, but in a play that other character has to kiss another person for the show, and as the story progresses the MC convinces themselves that it isn’t just a play and that their crush actually loves and is kissing that other kid. And in the play, that other character is supposed to die. Show night comes along and they die, but like actually, and by the hands of the MC (Idk maybe like a light falls on em or smthn). So it’s a grotesque scene the audience sees as just an act. (Mutters I dunno I think my idea’s cool...) So I’ve been wanting to design these characters and work more on the story but I’m busy being obsessed with Rodriquez and Samantha so. (And the Horror Host Club too I love them too still).

Other Characters that either don’t have a specific story or are kind of like background characters:

Jacqueiliquinne Merril: Sara Berry vibes from 35mm (go look up The Ballad of Sara Berry, maybe like an animatic idk the first one that comes up is nice) But otherwise rich, pretty, popular, bitch. Tries to like, steal Louise from his squad and it’s like bro that’s unnecessary who hurt you that’s so rude. She gives Nui from Kill La Kill Vibes too. Oh she knows her name is long and annoying but you have to say the whole thing.

Brianna: Jaqueiliquinne’s sister. Big titty goth gf??? She’s pretty popular too and kind of a bitch too but to a much lesser degree. Her and he sister throw hands a lot when no one is around, you know, “THEY GIRLS ARE FIGHTINNGGGG”.

The Louise Fan Club: 4 characters I haven’t named yet. One writes fanfiction of Louise and shares it with the others and with him sometimes and although he thinks it’s a bit weird he also finds it a tad endearing and supports her. One is an aspiring photographer and is constantly asking Louise to model for him. One is an artist and draws Louise all the time. And one is an aspiring musician who writes songs based of Louise’s relationships which again he finds a little weird but endearing and supports her.

The Jacquiliquinne Merril Fan Club: Genderbent-ish (I say ish because one of the characters is a little bit less defined gender wise) versions of the Louise Fan Club. Yes I’m lazy, and no they don’t get along with them, infact they hate each others club with a passion.

Unnamed/Undesigned: I wanna make some hacker kid just because I wanna have one.

Unnamed/Undesigned: I also really wanna have a super cutesy magical girl and then a really super duper generic boring character probably like star vs the forces of evil idk I never watched that show but it looks cute.

Me: I exist in the universe fukc you I can do what I want it’s my story and I get to chose the who also if you wanna be in the mess of a universe go ahead draw yourself with my OC’s I allow and encourage and appreciate it. I literally made the Horror Host Club as a sort of Harem story and you are absolutely allowed to make out with them if you’re a monster fucker DO it GO ahead it’s canon.

and that is ALL I have FOR now Knowing me I’ll make like 12 more characters by July, and I mean I need more characters for the high school anyways so...

#Super Long #Characters #OC's #ALL my characters so far

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demiwizard7 · 4 years

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We all have scars

Slayer Week 2020 Prompt: Scars

Characters: features Laxus

Side Characters: Mirajane, Natsu, Gray (mentions Erza, Makorov, Ivan)

Hints of Miraxus

For Slayer week 2020: @ftguildevents

Shouting.

It seems like that's all Laxus has been hearing for as long as he can remember. He hates it so much because it is about him it’s always about him, it’s all his fault.

It’s his fault; that he’s so sick and weak, and that his dad and grandpa are always fighting when they think he’s asleep, but he hears them he always does. And it’s all his fault, just like it’s also his fault that his mom died and his dad was left alone. She died because he was born, he killed her. He was a murderer not worth the life he got by taking hers. His life for hers what an awful contradiction and one that wasn't worth it, it wasn't worth him.

Weakness.

God the weakness it’s all he ever feels it’s pathetic. His dad and grandpa were fighting in the other room talking as quietly as they could so that he wouldn’t wake up but he did anyway he always did. He got out of his bed silently to hear what they’re fighting about this time. It usually was the same thing though him.

He walked over to the door and put his ear against the smooth wood and heard his grandpas muffled voice from the other end arguing with his dad.

“It’s too dangerous and he is too weak he could die Ivan. No, I won’t allow this.” He recognized his grandpa's voice coming through the door.

What were they talking about? He thought, were they talking about him? Was he really going to die? And if he did, would it really be so bad? He wondered.

He heard his dad take a sharp breath and then he spoke “Shut up old man!” His dad's voice boomed through the door and Laxus flinched on the other side of the door. It was about him again.

He heard his grandpa’s voice again next. “Don’t take that tone with me, remember child, I'm still your father and guild master. And shush I don’t want you to wake up Laxus with your yelling.” He said calmly. His dad huffed and started to speak again.

“I won’t just let him die.” His dad's voice cracked halfway through the sentence and his grandpa let out a sigh.

“We won’t, but you know this as well as I do he’s not strong enough to survive.” His grandpa explained calmly.

“He’s stronger than you and me an-'' His dad's voice gets cut off by his grandpa.

“Yes, I know he is but physically he is too frail. The chance of him not surviving in his state it’s too high and you know this.” His grandpa said. Laxus felt so ashamed his own family thought he was weak. Of course he knows he can feel it but still it hurts to hear. He heard his dad's voice again and snapped out of his own thoughts and listened.

“I-I can’t lose him.” He heard the sadness and defeat in his father's voice it made him ache to know he was the cause of that. “He’s the last thing I have of her, my last reminder of her.” His dad said sadness etched in his voice and Laxus felt his own eyes welling up at the mention of his mom.

“Fine.” His grandpa sighs. “We’ll do it, we’ll put in the lacrima.” His grandpa says.

5 Month Later

He actually survived it came as a shock to everyone but he was a fighter and they knew it. He finally got the lacrima implanted after months of tests and needles and his grandpa constantly making sure he was okay. For the first time for as long as he could remember he was finally healthy and the only indicator that he wasn't was a scar.

5 Years Later

He was sitting at the bar when he saw Natsu and Gray fighting...again. Rolling his eyes he looked around to see if Erza was there to stop them he scanned the guildhall and didn’t see her around. Sighing, it looked like he would have to take care of it Mavis, they were so annoying. He got up from the wooden bar stool and walked over to them. “Knock it off you brats!” He thundered(pun totally intended.) “You’re wrecking the guildhall with your dumbass fighting.” That got their attention and they stopped fighting each other and looked over at him.

Natsu was the one that spoke, of course he was. “Go away Laxus unless you wanna fight me too!” Gray just stood to the side watching their interaction with a smirk on his face trying to hide his laughter picturing Natsu about getting his butt kicked to.”

“Shut up kid.” Laxus said in a tired voice getting annoyed at the young dragon slayer.

“Make me!” Natsu replied with his hand already on fire.

“If you really insist.” Laxus said with a bored voice raising his hand to summon a bolt of lightning striking Natsu out cold. “That's good enough for you.” He said walking back to his stool with a slight smirk.

“Thanks, Pikachu I was hoping that I wouldn’t have to take care of that.” Some white-haired girl said he saw her a few times around the guild fighting with Erza, but he didn’t know her name though. (Hey in his defense she was new to the guild and he was bad with names.)

He rolled his eyes at her in response and said “Pikachu, how original of you.”

“You want something original?” She asked him with a smirk “Because I can get you a whole list by tomorrow if you would like.” She said laughing at him “I’m Mira by the way.” She added.

“Laxus,” He said with a nod. “And a list? Please.” He scoffed at her trying to seem extra cool around this girl for some reason.

“Yeah a list.” She said looking at him up and down. “Two pages single spaced easy, I mean look at all the ammunition I have.” She said, smirking at him again.

“And what's that supposed to mean?” Laxus asked her.

“If you don’t know what it means this list is going to be longer than I thought.” She replies cooly. “I mean you make it too easy with your stupid headphones, your over gelled spiky hair, the fact that you can’t even register an insult without it being explained, being a pikachu, and who could forget that stupid scar.

His eyes hardened at the mention of his scar, he doesn't like anyone talking about it. His anger at this girl skyrocketed and without thinking, he said “want a matching one.” In a threatening growl.

“Asshole! It was just a joke, chill, no need to get all touchy. We all have scars.” She was pissed off at Laxus for being such an ass all of a sudden.

“Pfft.” He looked at her “doesn't seem like you do.” He said.

Her eyes were just as hard as his and for a moment just as haunted. “You can’t see all scars.” She said coldly and walked off without another word.

#laxus dreyar #fairy tail #mirajane #natsu dragneel #ftguildevents #dragon slayer #erza titania #gray fullbuster #miraxus #scars

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makeste · 4 years

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BnHA Chapter 253: That Good Angst

Previously on BnHA: The villain Ending, whose name in retrospect is hella melodramatic for a guy whose power is MAKING ROAD MARKINGS COME TO LIFE, kidnapped Natsuo and then deservedly got his ass kicked by three teenagers. Endeavor won the manga’s coveted Best Hug award, made up by me just now, and then gave one of the best monologues in the whole series, basically owning up to all his crimes and saying he doesn’t want or deserve his son’s forgiveness. And he didn’t get it either, which was excellent. Instead, he announced to his kids that he was building them a new home for them to go live in with their mother and without him. Meanwhile Katsuki was all, “btw I’ve decided on my new hero name,” and the ENTIRE FANDOM was all “!!!!” until he went on to say, “but I ain’t revealing SHIT until I’ve told it to Best Jeanist,” which caused everyone to collectively wince and awkwardly glance at each other wondering who’s going to break it to him. Uh.

Today on BnHA: hAHAHAHAHHA.

Sorry, I forgot to turn my capslock back off. Anyways, so we return to U.A. and everything is all “HAPPY NEW YEAR IIDA!” and “STILL ON ABOUT THAT UNREQUITED LOVE THING, HUH OCHAKO?” and “LOOKS LIKE THAT SCAMPISH IMP BAKUGOU IS AT IT AGAIN!” and all the usual stuff. We then have a complete switch of gears, and I seriously mean like the GEAR SWITCH TO END ALL GEAR SWITCHES, as we cut to Aizawa and Mic driving to Tartarus! Why are they driving to Tartarus you ask? Well it’s because they got a call from Naomasa and he was all “hey, so you know your deceased childhood friend from chapters 59 through 65 of Vigilantes? Well IT TURNS OUT I HAVE A FUNNY STORY ABOUT THAT.” Anyway so the rest of this chapter can basically be summed up as (1) LOL SO KUROGIRI WAS REALLY SHIRAKUMO ALL ALONG, and (2) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

btw the whole reason I spoiled myself in the first place was because my dumbass id was all “WE SHOULD CHECK IF THEY MENTION THE HERO NAME” and I was like “YES” and just immediately lost all self-control. like it wasn’t an accidental click or anything; I was fully aware of what I was doing. lord knows what I would have done if I actually had been spoiled about the hero name lol. that would have been so much worse than the spoiler I actually got, so yeah. just stupid decisions all around. anyways how are you

no BnHA thumbnails on the Mangastream homepage today. must mean Kacchan didn’t make any good faces. ah well

lmao the chapter is literally titled “Shirakumo.” well I guess I wasn’t spoiled much after all. I did catch a half-glimpse (I was trying not to look; like, I had my fingers covering my eyes and was peeking through them. again, I’m not really sure what I was trying to accomplish in the first place honestly) of what seemed to be Aizawa with a shocked expression on his face though, so that’s why I was so convinced Kumo was somehow coming back from the dead or something. WE SHALL SEE

MY FORMULA 1 SON!!

lol I’m having one of those Berenstein moments. like. he didn’t always have those huge exhaust pipes running out from his sides and from either leg, right? those are just for this cover. or else something new and fancy he just added to his suit. right??

anyway so yes, Iida is the color page this week, just as we all expected from a chapter titled “Shirakumo”

“WINTER BREAK WAS OVER IN A FLASH” oh man. ain’t that always the way

wow I’ve really missed U.A. like, we’re cutting to these panels of USJ and the stadium, and it’s so fucking nostalgic geez. we weren��t even gone that long

Deku’s voiceover is talking about how they only have three months left in their “tumultuous” first year. ha. tumultuous. if Deku hadn’t met up with All Might, he could have easily fallen back on a career in PR; he’s got a gift for phrasing things diplomatically

Iida is wishing everyone a happy new year! happy new year Iida!!

he’s announcing that their class will be an action report meeting, which apparently means everyone’s gonna share what they learned over the winter break

but now he’s telling everyone to come down to Field Alpha, which Mangastream annoyingly spelled out with the Greek symbol α, forcing me to look it up because I’m sorry but I don’t speak math. ?? like what is this

now Aizawa’s sliding the door open all CRANKY because he’s MISSING HIS NAP

but Mina is all smooth like,

Mina could also have had a promising future in PR. well it’ll still serve them well in their hero careers too

oh my lord

WHAT is that FACE, Iida. just what. is that an eyebrow waggle. what the fuck. he looks like the next words out of his mouth were going to be “sliding into people’s dms”

jokes’s on you Horikoshi!! you think a panel like this will stop my “stupid sexy Iida” jokes? IT ONLY MAKES ME LOVE HIM MORE

oh? someone on the loudspeaker is calling Aizawa and summoning him to the faculty room. I wonder what this could be about. probably nothing!

now we’re cutting to the changing room and the girls are admiring Ochako’s new costume!

I’ll add an ETA later where I actually analyze the changes in her costume. right now let’s just pretend like I’m aware of what actually changed. I swear I pay attention to things. by the way, why would the suitcase get heavy? her quirk can be applied to anything can’t it?

(ETA: so the costume changes are (1) an upgrade to her gauntlets, and (2) an upgrade to her headset. so anyway that’s pretty cool, even if it was really only brought up in this chapter so that we could get that SWEET YA ROMANCE DRAMA. which I know annoys some people, but at this point I feel like Horikoshi only throws it in because he’s expected to, and the way he does it is so adorably reluctant that I can’t help but enjoy it at this point lol.)

OH MY GOD

OCHAKO YOU KEPT DEKU’S CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO YOU IN YOUR HERO COSTUME FOR GOOD LUCK, OH MY GOD. (1) YOU ARE THE LITERAL CUTEST, (2) IT’S TIMES LIKE THIS I’M GLAD I SHIP BASICALLY EVERYTHING BECAUSE THIS IS A DELIGHT, and (3) MINA’S REACTION TO THIS IS ABOUT TO BE MY FAVORITE THING OF ALL TIME, SO LET’S COUNT DOWN TO IT IN 3... 2...

okay but before we click to the next page, I just need to draw everyone’s attention to the background of that Jirou panel, where I’m pretty sure that is Ochako acquiring Hagakure’s quirk in a moment of transcendent desperation, much like how parents are able to summon incredible strength in times of crisis to lift cars off of their trapped children and shit. we are witnessing the next stage of human evolution over here

-- oh fuck me

hello, Horikoshi? yes, this was supposed to be a cute moment of teens being teens and giggling over high school crushes. did you not get the memo. what are you doing here with this sucker punch of feels right to my fucking kidneys. why would you do that. why does this panel of Ochako make me want to fucking cry, I did not ask for this

(ETA: but like also, you see how he just instantly drops the subject less than a panel later lol. like “THERE’S YOUR ROMANCE PLOT, OKAY?? NOW BACK TO THE REANIMATED BRAINWASHED CHILDHOOD FRIENDS ARC.”)

meanwhile in the boy’s locker room! so apparently word has spread about Deku mastering Bloopwhip!

so Ojiro is evidently fucking ripped under that karate gi. Ojiro, this one corner of a panel with you facing away from the screen is possibly the most interesting thing you’ve ever done. have you considered what a costume change might do for your image. I’m just saying

lmao Deku

I have never in my life found the idea of Villain Deku even remotely convincing until this exact moment. jesus christ. Deku are you sure there isn’t a little piece of AFO horcrux soul in you right at this moment. just wondering. if it was Kaminari doing this, the headline for this chapter would be “KAMINARI 100% CONFIRMED THE TRAITOR” and even I would find myself hard-pressed to argue at this point

anyway, the hero we deserve is stepping in to bring him back to reality sob

(ETA: I’m not even going to check the bnha tag to see if there is discourse about this, because I already know!! because clearly this is a very serious panel which should be taken 100% seriously!! anyway I’m not even going to go here lol.)

it’s okay kids I’m already dialing 911. Kacchan, honey, come here. listen, we need to put you in a time out. I love you but you can’t just go around throwing your spiky headgear at people like a fucking tomahawk, and also what the fuck is that thing even made of jesus christ

sob is Deku actually fucking dead

and so, while the girls were having cute shoujo drama about a romantic All Might plush, over in the boy’s locker room an actual murder was going down

FSDKDJL

I can’t. stop laughing. I

and the way they’re all just staring at him and clearly have no idea what to fucking do at this point. “so should we just... leave it in, then?” lmao Horikoshi what the fuck kind of substance did you ingest before you went and drew this. I need me some of that

(ETA: and now that I’ve mostly stopped laughing, I would also just like to point out that he is essentially saying “I just had to stop thinking so hard about it and just do it”, which I’ve only been saying SINCE FOREVER, DEKU, but sure go ahead and don’t listen to me then!)

ALL MIGHT IS...

WHY, YOU ASK? WHO CARES!!

lol apparently it’s a pun. someone go over there and check to make sure this All Might isn’t actually a bunch of Mirios hidden underneath a trench coat

anyway so they’re completely unimpressed, because they’re all jaded fucking teenagers with no souls, and they’re asking where Aizawa is

is this the part where we slide right back into the angst after our brief humorous interlude with the kiddos. because I am ready. bring it

OOOOH HERE WE GO, LOOK AT THIS TENSION

SO HERE WE HAVE MIC ACTUALLY TELLING AIZAWA TO SHUT THE FUCK UP, AND IT’S CONFIRMED, THE WORLD IS ENDING

and look at Aizawa’s body language. arms crossed, fingers tapping anxiously, gritting his teeth. fucking Mic has to tell him to calm down. jesus christ. anyway so Aizawa angst is apparently MY DRUG you guys, and Horikoshi you can go right ahead and INJECT THAT SHIT STRAIGHT INTO MY VEINS

AHHHHHHH

OHHHHHH THAT’S GOOD. I might need someone to come and slap me in the face in another minute just to make sure I can continue here

-- HOLD UP, WHAT

THAT SOUND YOU HEAR IS THE SOUND OF MY MENTAL BRAKES SCREECHING TO A FUCKING HALT, EVERYONE HOLD THE FUCK UP WHILE I DO A QUICK MENTAL ROLL CALL OF THE VILLAIN CAST AT USJ. FUCK ME, PLEASE TELL ME HE WASN’T THE NOUMU. BUT ASIDE FROM HIM AND TOMURA, AND THE FACELESS NO-NAME VILLAINS, THAT ONLY LEAVES... OKAY MY BRAIN JUST SERIOUSLY FROZE UP WHILE PROCESSING THIS, BECAUSE NO FUCKING WAY

fuck me fuck me FUCK ME

there is no fucking way it can really be Kurogiri, can it?? Kumo didn’t have a portal quirk. but All For One, though?? but no wait because we know he didn’t have that quirk because he had to use the other teleportation one instead. John’s or whoever’s

so then the only other option is the Noumu. could this be the start of the Noumu arc at long last?! oh my godddddd I’m about to get up out of my seat and just jump around for a second to get all my nerves out. ahhhhhhh

Horikoshi knew full well what he was doing titling the chapter “Shirakumo” and then teasing us with this incredibly tense buildup, too. I have actual fucking chills

oh my god IT REALLY IS THE NOUMU ISN’T IT

I HATE AND LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SIMULTANEOUSLY, IT IS THE WEIRDEST FEELING. IT’S BOTH INVIGORATING AND TERRIFYING HOLY SHIT

I WANTED THIS. I KNEW IT WAS GONNA BE DARK. I WANTED IT SO BAD AND I COULDN’T WAIT FOR IT AND NOW IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING AND WHAT A FUCKING WAY TO KICK IT OFF I JUST!!!

AHHHHH

DON’T MIND ME PLEASE CONTINUE AND IGNORE ALL OF MY SILENT SCREAMING!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

AIZAWA IS ABOUT TO LOSE HIS FUCKING MIND. HIS CLOSEST FRIEND WAS DESECRATED AND VIOLATED IN AN UNIMAGINABLE WAY AND TRANSFORMED INTO SOMETHING UNRECOGNIZABLE WITH ALL TRACES OF HUMANITY LOST, AND THIS WHOLE TIME HE THOUGHT HE WAS FUCKING DEAD. THEY DON’T EVEN HAVE A THERAPY FOR THAT, PEOPLE. THAT IS THE KIND OF ANGST THERE’S NO COMING BACK FROM

ANYWAY, SO THERE’S THAT SHOCKED AIZAWA FACE I CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF YESTERDAY, NOW WITH HORRIFIC CONTEXT, AND IF ANYONE NEEDS ME I’LL JUST BE HERE IN THE CORNER SETTING MY KEYBOARD TO PERMANENT CAPSLOCK, AND UPDATING MY SEXUAL ORIENTATION TO “THE FUCKED-UP AIZAWA ANGST IN THIS CHAPTER” BECAUSE THAT’S APPARENTLY WHAT IT IS AND ALL THIS TIME I NEVER KNEW

OH GODDDDD

BRB UPDATING MY ORIENTATION AGAIN TO “MIC’S COMFORTING HAND ON AIZAWA’S SHOULDER AS AIZAWA STRUGGLES TO HOLD ON TO THE LAST OF HIS COMPOSURE WHILE TRYING AND FAILING TO PROCESS THIS UNFATHOMABLY HEINOUS THING THAT’S ABOUT TO BE REVEALED”

(ETA: and also!! the fact that either Mic’s hand is shaking, or Aizawa is shaking so badly that it’s affecting Mic’s hand on his shoulder too! either way how the hell am I not literally dead after reading this chapter, I don’t even know.)

WAIT WHAT!!!!

THE CORE?! SO WAIT, IS IT KUROGIRI THEN??? OR WHAT?!

(ETA: I know I’m just inserting random commentary all over the place at this point, but like, can we also talk about how Naomasa looks like he hasn’t slept in eleven years?? this is taking such a toll on his soul here and it’s heartbreaking.)

OH MY GOD!!!!!

I WISH I COULD BETTER DESCRIBE THIS FEELING BECAUSE IT’S REALLY SOMETHING!! I’M SO EXCITED AND AT THE SAME TIME FULLY AWARE OF HOW I’M DELIGHTING IN THE PAIN OF THESE FICTIONAL CHARACTERS, SO IT’S LIKE THIS GUILTY SADISTIC GLEE AND AT THE SAME TIME SHOCK AND EXCITEMENT AND DAMN NEAR A KIND OF ELATION AT BEING FULLY TAKEN FOR A RIDE BY THIS EPIC FUCKING TWIST. IT’S GOOD SHIT

SDLKFJASLKDFJ;LKS

(ETA: so if they can trace quirk factors like this, they should be able to do it with the other Noumu they have in captivity, and also with any dead Noumus they’ve collected as well, yes? including the one that Stain killed a few months back? like, don’t mind me, I’m just sitting here trying to calculate the Six Degrees of Bakuangst for this plotline seeing as my brain, as ever, is focused on one thing and one thing only.

and so if they have managed to ID some of the Noumus, would that info maybe be on the Hero Network? meaning Endeavor would have access? would the interns then have access too? or if not, is his password something easily guessable, like Shouto’s birthday or something? will I ever stop running out of hypothetical scenarios along these lines? doesn’t seem likely as of now.)

“SEVERAL DIFFERENT QUIRK FACTORS” HOLY SHIT, AFO. THAT MANIAC. THIS WHOLE TIME MY RESPECTED DOCTOR OF MEDICINE WAS REALLY A HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUT WHO GOT CONKED ON THE HEAD BY SOME FALLING ROCKS ONE DAY. THE GRANDDADDY OF ALL TWISTS!! THIS TWIST WAS CONCEIVED IN THE BOOK OF GENESIS!!

AND BY THE WAY, THANK YOU AGAIN TO THAT ANON, BECAUSE HOLY SHIT THE EMOTIONAL IMPACT IS FUCKING RAW. ONCE I FINALLY COME DOWN FROM THIS BIZARRE HIGH I’M GOING TO CRY FOR AIZAWA BECAUSE HE IS HURTING SO BAD RIGHT NOW AND I CAN’T EVEN, SOMEONE SAVE HIMMMM

WELL FOLKS. THERE IT IS. HORIKOSHI FINALLY HOOKING US UP WITH THAT GOOD ANGST. THE PLOT THAT WAS PROMISED. THE ANGST THAT WAS AVOWED. YOU GUYS I CAN’T BELIEVE AIZAWA SHOUTA WAS SHIGARAKI TOMURA’S FUCKING UNCLE THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME. HOLY SHIT

AND YOOOO I JUST HAD A BUNCH OF THOUGHTS THAT I CAN BARELY EVEN PROCESS RIGHT NOW BECAUSE THIS REVELATION OPENS UP SO MANY NEW DOORS NOW ALL OF A SUDDEN THOUGH. BUT LIKE, IF AFO AND UJIKO WERE IN THE BUSINESS OF TAKING CHILDREN’S CORPSES AND REVIVING THEM AND INFUSING THEM WITH UPGRADED QUIRKS AND NO MEMORIES OF THEIR PRIOR LIVES, THEN HOLY FUCKING SHIT, WHAT IF A CERTAIN TODOROKI SIBLING REALLY DID FUCKING DIE AND HAS ACTUALLY BEEN A PUPPET OF AFO’S THIS ENTIRE TIME OH MY GOD. THIS CHAPTER IS JUST!!!

(ETA: yeah I actually have a lot of thinking to do about this one, because holy shit. I mean there must be a reason we’re getting this reveal directly on the heels of the Todoangst Arc with all of its talk about Touya and how dead he is, right? god I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all. this stupid manga!!)

AND AIZAWA’S FACE. THE WAY HE’S COVERING HIS MOUTH AS THOUGH TRYING TO KEEP HIMSELF FROM BEING SICK. THE MAN WHO PRIDES HIMSELF ON HIS RATIONALITY IS SO COMPLETELY OVERWHELMED BY EMOTION THAT HE’S STRUGGLING TO KEEP IT TOGETHER. THIS IS THE DEFINING WOUND OF HIS CHILDHOOD, RETURNING ALL OF A SUDDEN TO STAB HIM RIGHT IN THE HEART ALL OVER AGAIN WITH A FRESH NEW KIND OF HORROR. MIC, YOU’D BETTER BE THERE FOR HIM AFTER THIS, BECAUSE HE’S GOING TO FUCKING BREAK DOWN IN THE CAR ON THE RIDE HOME OR SOMETHING PROBABLY, AND HE NEEDS YOU, AND YOU PROBABLY NEED HIM TOO, AND FUCK

I DON’T HAVE SPACE FOR ALL THIS ANGST IN MY HOUSE!!! BUT LIKE HELL AM I GIVING ANY OF IT BACK, IT’S MINE NOW AND I’M KEEPING IT!! I WILL FUCKING RENT OUT A STORAGE LOCKER FOR THE EXCESS!! I WILL HOARD IT ALL LIKE A GREEDY DRAGON IN MY CAVE. THIS ANGST IS MY CHILD NOW. FUCKING SUBSCRIBED, GOOD NIGHT EVERYONE

#bnha 253 #aizawa shouta #yamada hizashi #shirakumo oboro #kurogiri #uraraka ochako #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #and here's another thought I just had #which is that we were basically one momo away from potentially playing out this exact same plot twist #but with deku and kacchan instead #because the league would not have taken no for an answer #and even if tomura had felt like being merciful #(since he clearly has more humanity left in him than I formerly gave him credit for)#I guarantee you that afo would have stepped in at some point and been all #'you know what tomura why don't you let me see if I can help convince him'#like every now and then I just randomly think about how close my child came to experiencing an unimaginably dark fate #and I'm just like #deep sigh of relief #but oh the angst #this is the fuel that sustains me friends

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rigonelli · 4 years

Note

Hey i absolutely looove your writing its the best!! I was wondering if you could do a prompt where mo and he tain go to a corn maze and maybe get lost or they carve pumpkins since its fall

Guan Shan rounded another corner only to walk right into a dead end.

“Alright, that’s it!” he said. “We’re officially lost.”

He Tian, whose stupid idea it had been in the first place, didn’t seem too worried. He shrugged his shoulders and turned around, pulling Guan Shan by the sleeve to try the next corner.

“I knew this would happen!” Guan Shan ranted. He was sick of seeing nothing but corn. The stalks had grown so high and dense that it was impossible to walk through them. What kind of people went to corn mazes anyway? It was pointless, cold, and no fun. They hadn’t met a single person the whole way through, which made it eerie to boot.

“Don’t worry,” He Tian said, seeing Guan Shan frown. “I took precautions in case this would happen.”

“Why didn’t you say so before? Did you print out the outlines of the maze?”

“No,” He Tian said, smiling. The smile looked more devious than it had to be and Guan Shan knew he wouldn’t like those precautions.

“I came up with a ton of corn puns to pass the time.”

“I hate you so much.”

“I know,” said He Tian, grin widening. “I shuck.”

Guan Shan was tempted to just run away and leave He Tian behind. But he knew that would only result in him wandering lost around the maze all night while He Tian called his brother to come help him out. He Cheng would probably send Qiu with his motorcycle to mow down the corn stalks and Guan Shan couldn’t miss that.

“I hope you’re not fantasizing about kicking me in the nuts with that dreamy expression,” He Tian said.

“No, I’m fantasizing about a prince coming to save me on a black stallion.”

“You’re fantasizing about other people on our first date? That’s corncerning.”

Great, he really meant to go through with it.

“Not a first date!”

“You’re right. We’ve had so many dates, I’ve lost cornt.”

“Not a date, period,” Guan Shan snapped. “Don’t just go around assuming things!”

“I’m not assuming. I asked!” He Tian insisted. “You were asleep, but you snored very affirmingly!”

Guan Shan ground his teeth. He never should have spent the night at He Tian’s. He had always known that something would happen. After all these months he had grown careless. It wasn’t as easy masking one’s feelings in the early morning hours as it was the rest of the day. Guan Shan didn’t remember what he had said in his half-sleep, but ever since, He Tian seemed to know.

“Oops,” said He Tian, staring at the dead end just ahead. “Wrong way again.”

“Maybe we should try that trick with following the right wall,” said Guan Shan.

“Maize well,” He Tian nodded. Guan Shan really felt like punching him.

They went quiet for a while, Guan Shan’s right hand brushing along the corn stalks as they walked. He tried to pay no mind to his other hand, which He Tian had taken in his as if they could get separated at any moment.

“It’s creepy that there’s no one else here,” Guan Shan said after he had failed to ignore their hand-holding.

“I know, right? It feels like we’re being…” He Tian leant over to whisper in his ear, “Stalked!”

Guan Shan had no problem letting go of his hand for that.

“I have a little present for you,” said He Tian, unfazed. He reached inside his jacket pocket and produced a tiny pumpkin. A face was carved in it.

“What am I supposed to do with this? Eat it if we don’t make it out?”

“No,” He Tian said slowly, as if Guan Shan was stupid for not understanding. “I don’t think it’s possible to starve in a corn maze anyway. Did you know you can eat-“

“I’ll punch you!”

“The pumpkin reminded me of you,” said He Tian.

“I can see that. You carved my face into it. I don’t look happy.”

“It’s small, red, and delicious. Like you.”

“It’s also angry. Like me,” Guan Shan said, pointing to his own expression, which He Tian had captured quite realistically.

“So you don’t like it?”

“Why would I like it? It’s a shit present!” Guan Shan ripped the pumpkin from He Tian’s hand, shaking it in He Tian’s face. “Look at that! What am I supposed to do with it? You could have brought a flare gun – that I would have been very thankful for!”

“Really? How thankful exactly?” asked He Tian.

That asshole! If he seriously had a flare gun and not lost a word about it so far, Guan Shan was going to punch him. He pocketed the pumpkin, trying hard to breathe deep and relax. All he wanted right now was to get out of this stupid maze. There was a little restaurant not far from the corn field. They could go and warm up with a cup of hot chocolate and some cake. It was essential that Guan Shan didn’t lose his cool now, if he wanted that little fantasy to become reality.

“I’d be so thankful… that I’ll let you call this a date,” he said through ground teeth.

“It is a date. You can call it whatever you want. What else?”

“I’ll… erm… I’ll…” He could feel his face heat up again. “Hold your hand?”

“Boring,” said He Tian. “We did that five minutes ago. You shouldn’t have spoilt me before.”

“I’ll laugh at your corny jokes!”

“It’s more fun when you hate them.”

“Fuck!” Guan Shan cursed, kicking at a corn stalk. Truth be told, he would do anything to get out of here. Even some things he had tried very hard never to think about – at least when he was awake. He couldn’t really help it when he dreamed. But this… this was a life-and-death situation, wasn’t it? He had no choice. He Tian was practically blackmailing him here.

“You are the lowest of all creatures and I want you to know that I hate you from the bottom of my heart!” Guan Shan said, just before he seized He Tian by the jacket collar, tiptoed, and pecked He Tian on the lips.

When he pulled back, He Tian had turned to stone. It was confusing enough to keep Guan Shan’s head from exploding, at least.

“What?” Guan Shan asked when a minute had passed and He Tian still just stared at him, mouth slightly open, eyes unblinking.

“It’s just… I wouldn’t have expected that action to be followed by those words,” He Tian finally said. His voice sounded a little higher than usual.

“It’s what you wanted, isn’t it?”

“I mean… yes?” He Tian said, still looking shocked. “But you never gave me anything I wanted so freely.”

“I didn’t give it freely! You blackmailed me!”

“What? How?”

“The flare gun!” Guan Shan said. “You forced me to be thankful for-“

“I don’t have a- why would I have a flare gun? It was just a rhetorical question.”

“You don’t have a…” Guan Shan turned around and sank to the ground, covering his face with his hands. “Oh my- FUCK!”

Behind him, he could hear He Tian laughing. It sounded more hysterical than anything.

“SHUCK UP!” Guan Shan shouted. He didn’t know why it came out as a pun – maybe it was some kind of defense mechanism. He Tian only laughed more. Guan Shan let him, too busy trying to persuade the ground to open up and swallow him.

After the laughter had trickled away, Guan Shan felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Come on, let’s get out of here. The right-wall-trick will lead us out sooner or later. And I promise I won’t tell anyone about our little misunderstanding just now. Alright?”

It was a sensible suggestion. More sensible than Guan Shan would have thought He Tian capable of.

“Treat me to hot chocolate when we get out,” Guan Shan said, letting He Tian pull him to his feet. He didn’t protest when He Tian didn’t let go of his hand.

“I’ll treat you to so much hot chocolate that you’ll want to puke.”

“That doesn’t sound very appealing.”

“And when you puke, I’ll hold your hair back for you.”

“There isn’t anything to hold back-“

“And if I’m not mistaken, that thing over there looks like the scarecrow that welcomed us into the maze.”

Guan Shan looked up, and indeed, there was an ugly scarecrow looking at him from the other end of the path.

They had found the exit.

“Oh,” said Guan Shan, slowing down a little. He hadn’t expected to get out so soon.

“What’s wrong?” asked He Tian.

“Nothing. Just… about before…”

Guan Shan turned his head away, hoping he wouldn’t blush too hard.

“You’re really not gonna tell anyone, right?”

“What happens in the maze, stays in the maze,” He Tian promised. “There’s only one thing I’ll tell people if they ask.”

“What’s that?”

He shouldn’t have asked, because the question summoned that grin back onto He Tian’s face. The pun grin.

“That our first date was absolutely A-maize-ing!”

#19 days #old xian #tianshan #tianshan fic #fanfiction #my fics #mo guan shan #he tian #he tian x mo guan shan

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secret-diary-of-an-fa · 5 years

Text

It’s So Bad It’s Bad (Secret Diary Reviews Hellboy 2019)

I’m alone, tired and just feel so fucking old right now. But instead of writing about that, I’m going to review Hellboy (2019), because it’s fucking execrable and sometimes, when life kicks you in the urethra, the only thing to do is go and look at a car crash until you feel better. Of course, being me, I find that simply looking at the car crash isn’t sufficient... I also have to kick the survivors as they crawl out of the wreckage. Yes, I know that I tortured the balls off that metaphor for the review process, but I also don’t care, so it balances out.

Anyway, Hellboy then. I was a huge fan of Guillermo Del Toro’s Hellboy back in the day, and even liked the not-quite-as-good sequel. They were visually stunning, narratively intricate and humanely written with a focus on organic, believable character development. Hellboy (2019) is a whole different kettle of poorly-rebooted fish. Every reviewer in the world has already complained about how crummy the special effects are, and they’re not wrong. The prosthetics used to create the non-human characters looked so much better in the Del Toro films and they were made ages ago. The CGI is fine, though. Not good, just fine. About what you’d expect for a mid-budget film with more ideas than technical talent. Either way, the FX complaints miss the point. The real problem is the script. It plumbs whole new depths of the Great Idiot-Sea. Almost every line is tedious exposition (which is totally unnecessary because the plot boils down to “monster queen wants to rule the world because reasons; someone needs to cut off her head before she does”). When the screenplay is forced to reluctantly acknowledge that a character might be experiencing an emotion, the character just states that emotion in the most direct possible terms. Nobody ever properly expresses emotion through their actions or even through naturalistic discussions with other characters: they just announce how they’re feeling and then punch something to start the next fight scene.

Also, this might be a minor gripe, but why does everyone keep using Hellboy’s full, human-given name every time they talk to him. I mean, the monsters all know who and what he really is, but they still call him Hellboy every time they mention him. And the human characters just... well... wouldn’t. Yet they do. You remember how Hellboy’s colleagues usually just nicknamed him/codenamed him ‘Red’ in the Del Toro films or how his adoptive father just called him ‘Son’? There was a reason for that: the name ‘Hellboy’ sounds cool and appropriate when you’re yelling something like “Hellboy! Grab Excalibur before it phases out of existence!”. However, it sounds bloody stupid in more mundane conversations. Just try saying something like “Oh, hello, Hellboy- have you met the missus?“ aloud and you’ll see what I mean. But in this bloody film, everybody says it all the time with a completely straight face, which becomes unintentionally hilarious for awhile, then gradually decays into depressing.

Hellboy’s bad puns are fun, though- I just wish that the film knew they were bad and did leveraged that for humour, rather than just letting them fart out of the cinema-speakers and drift off into the night, totally unacknowledged.

The fight scenes are one of the few bright spots in the whole mess- they’re inventively gory and have a real sense of weight and impact to them. Unfortunately, there are so many of them that they all blur together after awhile and lose their specialness.

How does it all end? Eventually, Hellboy catches up with the evil monster queen and is tricked into summoning an army of gigantic, planet-killing horrors. Then he gets reminded who he really is and the change of heart enables him to kill the baddie in one fell swoop. The giant, planet-killing monsters toddle off without a single one of them having been involved in one of the movie’s overly-frequent fight-scenes (despite the fact that would have been legitimately cool). And that’s pretty much it, barring a teaser for a sequel that will never happen.

I have so many questions about Hellboy (2019). How did they get good, talented actors involved in this drivel? Why did nobody demand rewrites on the script? Why do the prosthetics look worse than prosthetics from years (and possibly even decades) ago? Why was Merlin in it for, like, five minutes? What was all that irrelevant Tijuana business at the start supposed to accomplish? And most of all- most of all- how did any of this bunkum get greenlit?

#Secret Diary of a Fat Admirer #Hellboy #Hellboy 2019

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xoxoendoh · 6 years

Text

A Prickly Pair

Prompt: Temari Week / Month 2018, Day 1: Hourglass ⏳ (Sorry I’m late!)

Summary: Shika tries his damnedest to ensure Tema’s first birthday they spend together is perfect…but life has a way of turning the best intentions upside-down. ;) Ninja-verse + all the Naruto crew!

Also, if my god-awful 🌵 pun of a title didn't give it away, lemme just say this: prepare yourself for a long fic with major fluff and cracky humor!

Rating: T; colorful language, birthday booze, some suggestive themes 😏 There are two f-bombs—two!—but they are well-deserved, so I'm leaving this fic as T.

Soundtrack: “Magic in the Hamptons” by Social House (ft. Lil Yachty)—it's so damn catchy!

Also: Hanakotoba is the art of conveying messages / sentiments through flowers. For example, you might send yellow camellias to a SO who's been away on business as a way of conveying "longing." 💐

Read on FF.net here + this will have a Part II / continuation...soon-ish!

Shikamaru knew he was in trouble. One way or another, he knew he was going to have his ass handed to him. As that notion wasn’t exactly incentivizing, ...his lazy ass had procrastinated: now he had one day.

“What a drag…” He pinched the bridge of his nose, both elbows resting on his thighs.

If there was one thing he knew about the other troublesome women in his life—his mother, Ino, Sakura, even the Godaime—it was that their birthdays might as well have been national holidays.

But if he did what his troublesome woman claimed she wanted, he’d literally be doing nothing. For her birthday.

When he’d seen Temari last month, he had manned the hell up. He’d gritted his teeth, grumbled out of the corner of his mouth, and eventually inquired about her looming birthday. Her response, of course, had been less than helpful. She’d crossed her arms in a huff and flicked her blonde head in the opposite direction. He couldn’t see her face, but he heard her loud and clear: “Shikamaru, you idiot. It’s just a birthday. Don’t make a big deal out of it, okay?”

Easier said than done, you impossible woman! he thought, shaking his head.

Because what if she was just saying that? What if she wanted the whole dog and pony show and he was just supposed to know? What if she was playing at one of those stupid female mind games?

Even worse, this wasn’t just any birthday. Oh, no. Of course not!

This year, she’d be stuck in Konoha for the next Chunin Exams planning conference—far away from her family and working on official Suna business. On top of that, this would be their first ‘big event’ or ‘anniversary’ or ‘milestone’—or whatever the hell it was birthdays actually were!—since they became a couple. It had only been three months since they’d made it official, …and that feat had been a special sort of excruciating in itself.

At the memory, Shikamaru face-planted into his folded arms, a feeble effort to hide from the lingering embarrassment. Taking her off the market should’ve been the hardest part! How the hell was he supposed to know it only got more confusing from there?

Because what if she really wasn’t big on birthdays? What if he wrecked it by going all out? Did she want it to be just the two of them? Did she want to pretend birthdays didn’t exist?

“Damn it, I’m hopeless with this stuff…” he grumbled into his elbow, before letting out a long groan. “I’m so screwed, I should have just sent word to her brothers and asked!” He felt a drop of sweat bead under his ear and trickle down.

Too late for that now, genius.

But he was a genius, and there had to be a way to not screw this up! He couldn’t afford to, not so early on in the relationship, not when he didn’t have enough—or any—romantic capital stockpiled to make up for it! But no matter how many different scenarios he ran through, they all played out the same way—painfully. He could see it all so clearly:

Temari backhanding him into next week. Temari grabbing him by the collar and chucking him out a window. Temari launching him airborne with a single swish of her fan. Temari summoning Kamatari to bite his ear off.

Damn, his girlfriend was scary. The thought made his frown falter….

That huffy little pout. The way her blonde pigtails bounced when she stomped over to him, her little hands twitching and ready to slap some sense into him. Her eyes getting that scary teal-fire glow…

He sighed and shook his head, utterly defeated.

Damn her, he thought, grinning despite himself. She’s beautiful even when she wants to wring my neck. He sat up to look across the Nara land, noting the sun’s angle in the melting sky.

If he was going to get his teeth kicked in no matter what he did, he might as well try to do something nice for his girl, …right? He seized the moment of motivation, forming an oval with his fingers, and closed his eyes.

Take her at her word and just find a happy medium! he ordered his brain. Surprisingly, the conclusion came to him a moment later: Dinner with the crew. No one hates a dinner party, and everyone loves her. Done. Easy.

Shikamaru let out a satisfied yawn and crossed his arms, pleased to have settled the matter.

Hold up, genius. Her birthday present!

His hands flew back together.

Damn it, jewelry?

No, he’d never seen Temari wear any, and jewelry would probably breach her “big deal” rule.

Chocolate?

No, they were going to a dinner party. Food on food would be stupid, right?

What do you want, woman?? he wondered bleakly. This is worse than getting Naruto and Hinata’s wedding present! He’d be willing to shell out whatever it took if she would just like what he got her….

Losing the iota of motivation he’d mustered, he lowered his head in another trademarked Shika-sigh.

Times like these, he wished Asuma were still around.

He wished the same for his dad, of course…but Shikaku would have just shrugged noncommittally and told him to ask his mother, anyways. He’d already tried that. His mom, however, had been no help at all. All she’d done was gush about how ‘talented’ and ‘lovely’ Temari was until he’d fled the damn house! Like he needed reminding...

But Asuma…

Well, he would have loved Temari, too. But he would’ve had at least something helpful to offer!

Who am I kidding? Shikamaru couldn’t help the chuckle he felt in his chest. Like Asuma had any moves, anyway! Kurenai-sensei just took pity on the guy. He’d just tell me to get Temari flowers, like it was that simple.

Shikamaru sat up straight, struck by the sheer simplicity of it. Maybe it was that easy, maybe Asuma had it right! Flowers wouldn’t be too flashy or too much of “a big deal” or whatever Temari had called it.

Alright, Dad, Asuma-sensei..., he thought with a faint smile, standing to shrug his hands into his pockets. Let’s see if that famous ‘Ino-Shika-Cho teamwork’ can conquer this.

Game-face on, he trudged his way to the Yamanaka Flower Shop.

If he had thought he’d be prepared for Ino’s excitement, he’d have been dead wrong. Of course, he knew Ino better than that.

“So, uh, do you have any, uh…” he trailed off, unable to look her in the eye, feeling his entire body go tomato-red. Clearing his throat, he tried again, but every word combined into one: “DoyouhaveanyflowersfromSuna?”

Somehow, she deciphered the question he’d asked his feet.

“Shikamaru!” she screamed. “I have been waiting for you to drag your lazy ass in here and get her something! You really know how to wait until the last minute, huh?”

He could hear the haughty smirk in her voice.

“But really, Shikamaru, it’s so sweet!” She sighed dreamily. “You and Temari are perfect together…. And flowers from her home country…”

He looked up just in time to see her eyes glassing over as she clutched at her heart.

“Of course we’ll help you!” Abruptly, the honey left her voice and she traded her doe-eyes for her signature scowl. “Right, Choji?” she growled, smacking Choji’s hand as he reached for the last morsel in her bento,

“Y-yeah, Shikamaru!” he piped up, his red hand floundering until it landed on the back of his neck. “We’ve got your back, bud. You know we love Temari.”

Shikamaru felt relief surge through his system: these two would always save his ass.

Not wasting any time, Ino leapt over the counter, apron strings trailing behind her, and bodily dragged Shikamaru after her. Ignoring his grousing, she wound them through the rows of greenery and fragrant blooms until they reached a partitioned-off portion she called “The Suna Section!!”

“We actually have a pretty good variety of desert plants,” she declared proudly, sweeping a hand out before four tables overflowing with vegetation.

As Shikamaru bent his knees and gaped at the selection, his teammate prattled on, getting more excited with every question:

“So what else are you going to do for her birthday? It’s tomorrow, right? When does she arrive?”

Shikamaru knew she needed answers, but all he could do was gawk at the array of…things…in front of him. There were some squat little plants with ungainly, fat leaves…but they were kinda pretty in their own way: the stupid little leaves fanned out like petals, and they came in purple or a greeny-blue. Above those, he was pretty sure he recognized aloe stalks. Then there were a series of lethal- and ugly-looking things—the sort of things Shikamaru was positive would end up impaling him if he dared to present them to Temari. Spiky barbs, serrated leaves, deceptively plushy-looking fluff guaranteed to needle under the skin… There was nothing even remotely attractive about them….

“Helloooo? Shikamaru?” Ino flicked his ear. “Don’t ignore me when I’m trying to save your ass! What are your plans for Temari??”

“Oh,” he jerked his head up to face her. “Uhh…”

Her hands were on her hips, and he’d learned long ago that was never a good sign.

Laughing nervously, he rose. “Heh, I was kinda, ya know, hoping you’d help with that, too, Ino....”

Exasperated, she groaned. “Ugh, remind me to kill you later.”

Waving his hands in placation, he tried, “But you’re so good at this sort of thing!”

She got that creepy feline grin on her face again—the one that meant she saw through his lame ploy, the one that meant she was plotting—and gave him a wink.

“Fine, I’ll bide my time,” she conceded with an innocent smile. “But watch your back, ‘kay?”

Shikamaru shrugged and rubbed at his neck. He’d worry about her vengeance after he solved the birthday equation.

“Yeah, yeah. So anyway, Temari told me not to make a big deal out of it, but I figure I can’t do nothing.”

“Damn straight, Shikamaru.” Ino nodded sagely. “Damn. Straight.”

“So I was thinking just a simple dinner with the usual group…?”

“That’s perfect!” she squealed.

Shikamaru sighed, grateful for Ino’s stamp of approval.

“Casual and low pressure, but it shows that you thought about it and planned ahead. Well...,” Ino paused to throw him a glare, “that you should have planned ahead—but whatever!”

Ino turned on her heel, clearly satisfied with the intel she’d gleaned.

“W-wait! Ino!” Shikamaru had never sounded so desperate in his life. “Hey, c’mon! Don’t leave me with the plants!”

“Oh, calm down,” she smirked from over her shoulder. “Look them over, read the little descriptions, and just choose one you think she’d like! But actually read the tags, Shikamaru. ‘Cause some flowers have special meanings…and some species are poisonous!”

“Poisonous??”

He gaped at her.

Ino giggled at his appalled expression. She was enjoying his pain. So much.

She’d started out the night as his second favorite blonde…but Naruto had just made the leap up to silver.

“You’re a ninja, you can handle a few thorns! …And it’s not like the poisonous ones are fatal or anything.” With that, she was off, sliding open the screen and skipping through the rows and rows of flowers. “Oh, Chooooji!” she sang for the whole shop to hear. “We’re going to make Shikamaru look real good for his girlfriend! You’re in charge of the dinner reservations, and Sai and I will call everyone to get them on board.” She clapped her hands together like she’d never been so delighted in her life.

“How about that place with the little courtyard in the back? Best barbecue pork in town, great for a party!” he heard Choji offer.

Were they inviting all of Konoha to this thing, or were they just aiming for death by embarrassment?

“Oh, perfect! You’re their best customer, they’d totally pull some last-minute strings for you!”

Shikamaru could almost hear her bouncing in excitement. So maybe she was still his second favorite blonde, but did she have to be so loud?

“Shikamaru,” she called on cue, “we’re off to go plan your girlfriend’s party! Just leave the cash on the counter once you decide, my mom will be down in a bit to close up!”

Shikamaru grimaced as the door slammed. Choji wouldn’t let him down, and Ino was undoubtedly his savior…but he didn’t know a damn thing about plants. He didn’t want to know a damn thing about plants. Griping to himself, he knelt before the green things, cautiously shifting a few pots out of the way to see the full assortment, …waiting for a scorpion or something to lunge at him.

“Pick a plant, pick a plant…,” he droned miserably to himself.

Something not-hideous at the back caught his eye. As he reached toward it, the mesh of his sleeve dragged against some spikes. Glancing down at the culprit, he realized it was a furious-looking—yet somehow beautiful—cactus. Complete with a single, white bloom of multilayered petals, it looked rather like someone had glued a lotus to some wild desert thing. The more he looked at it, the wider his grin grew. It was just like Temari—as gorgeous as it was troublesome—and it was like it had chosen him! As he tried to disentangle himself without catching the spines of any other friendly Suna flora, he knocked over the small ‘Hanakotoba’ card in front of it.

My bad, Yamanakas. Like he was going to risk life and limb to pick up a scrap of paper!

But as he rotated his arm to dislodge the thorns from his shirt, he nicked his wrist.

“Damn,” he muttered, finally succeeding in freeing himself. It wasn’t a grumble this time: “Oh, shit!” Is this one of the poisonous ones?!

He extracted the cactus from the deathtrap of a display and snatched up the description tag staked near its base, frantically scanning for the mention of ‘poisonous’ or ‘toxic.’ Thankfully, it just said ‘See reverse for Hanakotoba Symbolism: Saboten’ and listed the care and lighting instructions. Relieved, he backed away with his hard-fought prize.

“’Symbolism’?” he scoffed, tucking the tag back into the pot. “Pffft. Like Temari cares about that!”

Mission completed, he marched triumphantly to the cash register, slammed the appropriate bills down on the counter, tore off several feet too many of red cellophane wrapping, and vowed never to set foot in the “Suna Section!!” again.

Temari was all the desert he needed.

–

Temari’s birthday evening was off to a solid start. She’d arrived safely and seemed genuinely pleased with the dinner party idea.

“So you do pay attention every now and then, huh?” she’d purred, smirking at him. Then her lips had softened. More quietly, she’d said, “It’s just what I wanted. A nice evening with my friends and my idiot boyfriend.” She’d kissed his cheek then.

Blood rushed to his face, pride swelled up in his chest: he hadn’t let her down.

Not yet, at least.

But as he went down the ‘gentleman boyfriend checklist’—a set of rules Ino had long ago hammered into her male teammates’ heads—things seemed to keep going smoothly.

They’d parted ways so she could settle in and clean up after her long trek. He’d meticulously mummified her present in that red florist wrap. And he’d done it in a way that would preserve the flower at the top, protect the recipient from the spines, and lead to easy unveiling. Then he’d shown up on time and remembered to bring the stupid plant, just like Ino had instructed. He was actually feeling pretty proud of himself….

And when she exited her hotel, he’d managed to compliment her with a straight face—no fumbling for words or blushing or inappropriate glances!

“You look amazing, Temari.”

It had been no easy feat, however. Seeing her there in the soft glow of the streetlamps… She’d gotten all dolled up in a jade sundress, simple but stunning against her eyes and sun-kissed skin, clinging to the perfect hourglass of her body.

“And you clean up pretty nice yourself, kid,” she retorted, clearly hoping the jab to his sternum would distract him from her rosy cheeks.

It didn’t.

“Glad you didn’t wear a tie, though, or I’d be underdressed!”

Her dark eyes spotted the bright package resting in the crook of his elbow. She quirked an eyebrow and couldn’t quite keep that half-smile of hers from surfacing.

Her voice dripped of sarcasm as she pointed at it: “Should I be scared?”

“Yes,” he said smugly before offering her his arm, like a gentleman.

Hand in hand, they started off for the restaurant. For once in his life, he stood up straight, rolling his usually-slouched shoulders back. He was escorting a bombshell to dinner, so he should at least try to look the part, right?

Halfway to the restaurant, the wind picked up. Shikamaru mentally crossed ‘chivalry’ off his checklist and shrugged off his blazer to drape over her shoulders. She blushed prettily up at him with a sweet smile on her lips.

Keep it up, Shikamaru, he told himself, grinning down at her, and you might just live to see tomorrow!

At last, that lingering sense of dread was fading, and contentment rose to take its place: if there was something he hadn’t thought of, he was sure Ino and Choji had.

When they walked through the courtyard gate, they were greeted with woops and calls of Happy birthday! Temari squeezed his hand and beamed up at him.

Ino rushed over, towing Sai along by the hand, and kissed Temari on both cheeks. “Happy birthday, Temari! You look beautiful—teal is definitely your color.” Not waiting for a response, she snatched the birthday cactus, wrapped shiny and red, from Shikamaru’s hands and transferred it to Sai, who accepted it with a pleasant smile. “We’ll put this with the others. Now, come on and get something to eat!”

“Okay?” was all Temari had time to manage as Ino dragged her off.

As he and Sai followed Ino under the string lanterns, Shikamaru noted his team’s handiwork.

Choji had been right to choose this venue; it was perfect for a private party: the stars were shining, the moon was bright in the sky, the spread was mouthwatering, the barbecue tables allowed for easy mingling and warmed the cool night air. And the turnout was impeccable, considering the literal last minute notice of it all. Everyonewas there. Then again, he knew better than most just how difficult it was to refuse Ino. No doubt, she had personally corralled any stragglers.

“Shall we get a beer, genius?” Sai offered mildly, placing the cactus with the other gifts.

“Beer?” Shikamaru questioned and followed along. He was no longer fazed by Sai’s odd nicknames, but beer piqued his interest. Temari won’t mind, right? Nobody will go too crazy, …right?

On cue, Kiba and Choji appeared, frothing cups in hand, and regaled him with the tale of their labors:

Like mushers with a sled dog, they’d actually strapped a keg of beer to Akamaru, transformed it to look like a crate of sparkling cider, and casually hauled it through the streets. Clever, convenient, and a party trick in itself—Shikamaru approved, giving them sequential high-fives before raising a glass to his girl across the courtyard.

Ino had led her to a yakitori table, and she was immediately surrounded by some of the world’s finest kunoichis. Hinata and Sakura brought over the grilling meat, Karui—who must have been in town for the conference, too—took care of the veggies, and Tenten delivered the all-important beer. Assorted plates of barbecue fodder and plastic cups before them, they were more than prepared to catch up, drink up, and chow down.

Over the foam of his beer, he couldn’t help but appreciate how she was swimming in the blazer he’d draped over her shoulders.

She gave him a little wave, and that was all the permission he needed to take a hefty swig. Kiba and Choji were the true geniuses, he decided. But it wasn’t just Team 10 and Kiba’s keg: despite the last-second notice, everyone had gone all out for his girl. Thanks to them, this was going better than he could have hoped.

As Temari was chatting with her girlfriends, Shikamaru walked with the beer smugglers towards the central fire pit, where Naruto, Shino, and Lee had set up camp.

“Shikamaru, Sai,” Choji sniggered, pausing before they got into earshot of the others, beckoning them closer conspiratorially. “So we’ve got this thing going.”

“Oooh, I forgot!” Kiba butted in, barking out a laugh. “It’s brilliant.”

“We’re calling it ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game.’”

It was Shikamaru’s turn to snicker. Oh, this was going to be good.

“So every time Naruto says something about Hinata or being married or in love or whatever,” Kiba explained, “you have to take a swig.”

“I like games,” Sai agreed happily.

“Everytime,” Kiba emphasized seriously. “Them’s the rules.”

Any idiot could see this was going to go sideways and fast, but Shikamaru just shook his head and let a stupid grin fall on his face.

–

And sure enough, they all would’ve gotten hammered off Naruto’s marital bliss…if Sai hadn’t eventually asked why Naruto himself wasn’t drinking every time the blonde started mooning over his wife. But as it stood, they were all pleasantly buzzed. Naruto—who was somehow closer to plastered than those actually playing the drinking game—had almost fallen out of his cushioned patio chair when Sai had burst the bubble. Lee had a proposed a toast to “YOOOOUTH…ful love!” and even Shino had chuckled behind his turtleneck.

I’ll have to thank Sai later, Shikamaru thought, chuckling to himself. Could’ve gotten troublesome otherwise.

From there, Shikamaru was content to slowly sip his drink and just enjoy the company. He could see Temari was enjoying herself, she didn’t need him attached to her hip. So he watched the evening play out from his overstuffed armchair, foot occasionally tapping to the summery, chill tunes Lee had put on. Lee, he noted, had really good taste in music.

Two beers later, the mountain of barbecue fare had diminished, the groups had dispersed and mixed, Tenten had changed her camera’s memory card at least twice, and everyone had paid their respects to the guest of honor.

By the time Naruto brought him another sudsy cup, Shikamaru looked up to find his girl standing before him, hands on hips, an eyebrow arched expectantly.

“Didn’t save the birthday girl a seat, huh?” she teased, a faint alcohol flush on her cheeks.

He grinned and patted his thigh. “There’s room for both of us.”

Her mouth fell open.

Oh, shit.

He’d just said that. Out loud. This blew right by simply putting his foot in his mouth! No, she was going to put his foot in his mouth! “Tema, I—“

His jacket flew from her shoulders and hit him square in the face.

Someone gasped from behind him.

‘Liquid courage’? More like ‘liquid stupid’ in my hands!

A punch was sure to follow. He braced for impact.

I should have known I’d find a way to screw up tonight—it was going too perfectly!

A second went by, then another, …but nothing happened. All the warning he had was a sweet smell on the crisp air, and then he felt the weight of something warm and toned on his lap.

Wait, really?!

Stunned out of terror, he yanked the blazer off his head, and, sure enough, there she was. Arms and legs crossed, lips pursed, and blushing like mad—but she was perched on his knee.

A few Awww’s rang out from around them.

It must have been the liquid stupid or maybe their friends’ encouragement, but he decided to push his luck a little further. Flinging his coat out like a matador’s muleta, he let it fall over her legs—he was nowhere near drunk enough to risk revealing a wardrobe malfunction—and he pulled her up into him.

She let out an indignant yelp and flailed in momentary surprise…but she stayed put.

“Idiot,” she grumbled, fidgeting with his blazer blanket.

Yet she rotated in his arms to cuddle into his chest, tucking her legs up under his coat.

“Maybe, but I’m your idiot,” he laughed, tightening his arm around her bare shoulder. Apparently, beer turned him stupid…and really sappy. He was better off changing the subject. “You having fun?”

“Mhhmm.” She nodded against his shirt.

“Good.”

Basking in the glory of success, he ran his hand up and down her bare arm, keeping the chill off, and looked up to the cloudless night. Sitting there with his girl, fighting off a contented yawn, he realized he could get used to this. Maybe ‘Did You Hear Naruto Got Married?’: The Drinking Game’ was catching up to him in more ways than one….

A touch on his chest drew him back to the present.

“Shikamaru,” Temari murmured, tugging shyly at his dress shirt, “This is perfect. Thank you.”

Was she pulling at his shirt or his damn heart?? He could practically see it in her little hands! …And he knew he wasn’t getting it back.

Damn it, why am I so lame tonight??

Smiling despite himself, Shikamaru did the only thing he could: he tilted her chin up, thumb running along her jaw, holding her eyes for just a moment, …and stole a quick kiss.

Woops and catcalls and flashes exploded from all around them.

The hell? he thought, startled out of their kiss.

Temari almost jumped out of her skin when she looked up to see Tenten clicking away on her camera just a few feet away, but Shikamaru only grinned and hauled his girl into place for the picture. He was too damn happy to bother with the awkward, even when he realized all of them must have been watching his every move with Temari, ninjas lying in wait…. He chuckled and released his favorite blonde, who launched herself at Tenten to threaten her into handing over the camera.

“Teten, I swear I’ll—!”

Ino, socialite extraordinaire, stepped out of Sai’s arm to diffuse the situation.

“Presents!” she proclaimed loudly. Since Temari was conveniently already in the center of the party, she added, “Temari, stay right there!”

Ino’s order seemed to have startled the blushing birthday girl into obedience.

“You have to open Shikamaru’s last. Actually, open ours”—with a wink, Ino thumbed at Sai, who waved amiably—“after Shika’s! But the rest can go in any order.”

Tenten took advantage of her proximity. “Me first!” Beaming, she held up her camera. “My gift will be the prints, of course! Temari, they’re so cute, I swear!”

Tenten’s announcement was met with Aww’s…and few knowing smirks. She’d already captured some solid gold, and she was bound to get some more, if Kiba had anything to say about it.

Reluctantly, Temari acquiesced with a shrug, …one corner of her mouth barely rising. “Fine, fine. But for my eyes only.”

Next up was Shino, who emerged…from somewhere…to stand before Temari. He extended a small box.

Shit, it’s probably a live scorpion or something!

Shikamaru leapt from his patio chair, preparing to weave a Shadow Possession and intercept the container. He wasn’t about to let Shino ruin her night with some creepy-crawly thing!

But Temari’s dark eyes glimmered with interest, and she shucked off the brown paper wrapping before Shikamaru could act.

Damn it, too late!

But to his surprise, she gave Shino a broad smile.

“Antheraea yamamai,” he declared proudly, erudite.

The evening crickets chirped their entomological approval…but no one else made a peep.

“Shino, c’mon, man!” Naruto whined good-naturedly, arm looped around Hinata. “Translate!”

“A silk moth,” he sniffed, pushing his sunglasses up the bridge of his nose. “It perished naturally, so there is no harm in appreciating its beauty behind glass.”

It was then Shikamaru realized that his desert girl wouldn’t have been fazed by a damn scorpion—or any other of Shino’s insects, probably—in the slightest. He rubbed the back of his neck and tried feebly to make like he’d lurched up for some reason other than saving Temari…from a bug.

“It’s lovely, Shino,” Temari said, holding up glass-top box for everyone to see her moth’s impressive wingspan. “Thank you.”

Sitting back down, Shikamaru had to admit it was pretty classy gift. Maybe I’ll go to Shino for next year….

From there, Kiba and Choji took credit for the ‘Konoha hospitality’—the keg—and Choji dragged Karui out by the hand.

“She made a chocolate cake for everyone! Trust me, you’re gonna love it. Sooo let’s hurry up with the presents, guys!”

“Yeah, his ‘taste test’ left me just enough batter for the cake!” Karui grinned and poked her boyfriend in the stomach.

Hinata rose to offer Temari a book on Konoha’s history and customs, stating with a smile, “From Naruto and me. Since, umm, your work brings you here so often, we hope Konoha becomes your home away from home.”

“’Home away from home,’ huh...?” Temari flipped through it with a sly smirk. “Thanks, Uzumakis.”

Shikamaru felt like he was missing something, but he wasn’t about that troublesome life.

“You’re already wearing my gift!” Sakura yelled from her post near Akamaru, sending over a wolf-whistle.

So that’s where she got the dress. If Shikamaru had been wearing a hat, he would’ve tipped it to Sakura; he made do with a grateful nod. Might have to send a thank-you note for the first and only time in my life…. He smirked.

“My gift will compliment Sakura’s!” Lee shouted with a thumbs-up, tossing her a small package. “What luck!”

A moment later, Temari held up a pair...of violet legwarmers.

Somehow, she managed to keep a straight face—even as Lee lifted his pant leg in a wild kick to demonstrate just how versatile a garment legwarmers were—and thanked him, placing them with the rest of her bounty.

Shikamaru, on the other hand, had to pretend he’d choked on a nonexistent bite of beef. Tenten gave him a solid thwack on the back, but the reproachful look on her face told him she wasn’t particularly concerned about food being lodged in his throat....

But he's wearing legwarmers under slacks, Tenten! Shikamaru pled silently.

Temari’s words, however, dissipated Tenten’s glare.

“Everyone, thank you.” Temari was looking down, suddenly shy again. “I’m really… I’m feeling the Konoha Hospitality, I guess!”

His girl looked so happy, just in time to unveil the cactus.

Choji was closest to the bench where Sai had left it. “I got it, Shikamaru,” he said and set it on the yakitori table nearest the birthday girl.

Temari raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend, fiddling with the note he’d slipped between the twine, but he just shrugged with a grin. She seemed so pleased with the rest of the night, it probably didn’t matter if his stupid plant didn’t wow her like Shino’s moth had.

“Read the card!” Naruto shouted, another beer in hand.

Shit.

He’d forgotten about that. And how was Naruto still observant with all the alcohol he’d knocked back?

“Uh, maybe not?” Shikamaru tried sheepishly.

Ino had told him to, but nobody else had gotten her a card. On top of that, she’d told him it would be ‘so, so, sooo cute’ to use a ‘term of endearment’ in it. Shikamaru grimaced. He hadn’t exactly planned on everyone hearing it...but maybe it wasn’t a big deal. They were at that point in their relationship, right? It wasn’t weird to call her a petname after a few months, right??

“Read iiiiiit!” Naruto bellowed.

“Alright, alright,” Temari laughed, either not hearing or simply ignoring Shikamaru. “Pipe down, blondie!” She cleared her throat and opened the simple Nara stationary. “’Happy birthday, babe!’” she quoted, smirking around babe. “’I’m a lucky man to have you in my life.’”

Hoots and Awwww’s echoed through the assembled ninja. A peach flush coloring her high cheekbones, his girl blew him a kiss with a wink. Lee clapped him on the back and sparkled a thumbs-up at him.

Shikamaru definitely hadn’t imagined Babe trying out her new petname…on herself—his ears were still burning to prove it—but he nodded in calculated appreciation:

Temari and the girls approved, and the guys were having fun with it. At his expense, sure, but fun nonetheless. He let out a sigh. Even if her brothers couldn’t be there, even if she was in town for work, even if he’d put it all off until the last possible moment… Temari was laughing and surrounded by friends. Was it too early to call the night a success?

Well played, Shikamaru. Best boyfriend ever, he congratulated himself with another satisfied nod and a swig of beer. “Careful unwrapping it, babe!” he called, letting out a smug chuckle after babe. He liked the sound of it.

She untied the twine holding the florist wrap together, peeled back the ruby plastic he’d so carefully arranged to spare her skin, and revealed the pretty plant he’d picked out just for her.

He swished his beer and waited for the sort of reactions all the other gifts had gotten.

But there were no girlish giggles, no excited coos. Even the legwarmers had gotten a warm reception, …but his plant couldn’t even get a cricket chirp?

And Temari… She was just staring down at the cactus, ominous in her silence. Her bangs were hiding her eyes; he couldn’t see her face.

Doesn’t she like it? he wondered nervously.

Then, all at once, static surprise gave way to dynamic reaction: Hinata fainted against Naruto with a squeak, her face beet-red. Sakura’s mouth fell open, and a The hell? slipped out. Karui was alternating between coughing up the drink she’d just inhaled…and snickering as Choji patted her back.

“Hina!” Naruto wailed, cradling his passed-out wife.

What’s happening?! Why are the girls freaking out, and why are they looking at the plant like that?? Shikamaru’s eyes narrowed as he tried to puzzle it out through the alcohol haze. Temari’s skin was turning pink! Oh, no! Was it poisonous?! He sprang up, ready to slap the offending thing out of her hands. No, wait. I would have felt it earlier, and I checked the tag!

“Tem…ari?” he tried, no hint of smugness left in his voice. Sweat was pooling between his shoulder blades.

Temari didn’t respond, still gaping down at the prickly plant.

Where the hell had Ino gone?? She’d know what was happening, and she’d tell him!

By then, Kiba had eagerly sidled up to a cherry-red Sakura for an explanation. Shouldering his wife’s limp form, Naruto hurried to follow suit.

To his left, Tenten was pink in the ears, trying and failing to stifle her giggles with her hand while Lee begged her for enlightenment.

As he tried to shake the truth out of his teammate, Lee voiced what every male in the place was wondering: “What!”—shake—“Is!”—shake—“Happening!” Shake.

The brunette only laughed harder.

Damn it! What is it?!

Sakura, however, finally found the words to describe the indescribable. Once the breathless secret left her sniggering lips and hit their eager ears, Kiba howled, a wolf at the moon, and Naruto boomed a guffaw, nearly losing his grip on Hinata.

What? No! It was a thoughtful gift—even Ino said so!!

He felt panic welling up in the pit of his stomach as his fingers dug into the wood of the nearest table.

What. The. Hell. Everything was perfect until the girls saw the stupid cactus!

Akamaru joined Naruto and Kiba’s barks of amusement.

Et tu, Akamaru? he thought dismally.

Without a word, a glance, or a discernable emotion, …Temari grabbed the nearest beer and sank it, downing it in one go.

Oh, no.

He didn’t need to be a ninja to sense the danger in the air.

Though on opposing sides of the courtyard, Sakura and Karui gave into fits of uncontrollable mirth at the same time, well past words.

Damn it, no help there. This is bad. This is so bad!

He turned to Choji, who—judging by the tears streaming down his face—had clearly been filled in by his girlfriend. …Yet all Choji could manage was to mouth Dude! through hoots.

Some ‘best friend’ you are!

Shikamaru gritted his teeth, nerves eating away at his composure.

“Guys, come on,” he begged.

At his pitiful plea, Kiba fell to the ground, gasping and rolling in delight. Naruto, on the other hand, retained just enough self-control to recline his fainted wife safely against Akamaru…before he completely lost it and doubled over with Kiba.

“Shika—haha! …Shikamaru!” Kiba rasped out from the grass. “You-you—haha!”

Spit it out, man, jeez!

Since breathing was too much for Kiba and Naruto, Shikamaru turned to Shino, who only shook his head and shrugged, sunglasses glinting in the lantern light. Beyond desperate now, Shikamaru turned to Sai, who just smiled placidly, happy to see his friends enjoying a joke…even if it flew miles above his head.

Temari’s hands clenched into tight little fists of rage, snapping the emptied plastic cup in half.

What did I do?!

“Beautiful!” Sai cheerfully announced Ino’s return, pulling out her chair.

Shikamaru did a full 360 and finally found the person who could clue him in. Lips freshly glossed, she must have just come back from the bathroom inside.

As Ino’s blue eyes scanned the scene, all she could manage was: “What…the hell?”

“Ino—somebody—please just tell me what I did!” Shikamaru shouted, nearing his wit’s end. But his request only sent a fresh wave of hysterics through the party.

At last, Ino was by his side, yanking him to her by the ear. “Shikamaru!” she screeched in a pitch high enough to shatter both eardrums and glass. “I told you to read the descriptions on the plants, you idiot!” she hissed through clenched, white teeth.

“But it’s not poisonous, I checked!” Shikamaru defended weakly.

At that moment, another woman recovered her verbal faculties.

It was Temari, growling low and fearsome: “Shikamaru…”

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no.

“Hanakotoba, moron! I told you some flowers have special meanings!” Ino ground out mournfully. “It says it right there on the tag.”

“Says what?!” Shikamaru demanded in a moan, drowning in trepidation.

He heard a sudden clickclickclick and dimly realized Tenten had recovered enough to start snapping photos through the giggles, forever preserving his abject horror. To her side, Lee’s complexion had changed to match the green of his dress shirt, clearly informed and clearly scandalized.

“It’s a plant! What the hell can it ‘say’ that’s so terrible?!”

It was then that Sakura regained the ability to string together a sentence: “Shikamaru, you-you gave her a—!”

Kiba’s snort from the ground, however, cut her off and sent her stumbling back into giggles.

So Kiba took it upon himself to fill in the blank, a roar of rapturous merriment:

“A sex cactus!” He choked on another howl of laughter, eyes tearing up in sheer joy, unable to believe the words as they left his mouth. “Y-you gave her a fucking sex cactus, man!” he wheezed.

Convulsions took him once more, his fists beating the blameless grass flat.

“The fuck?” Shikamaru breathed, brain backflipping in despair.

Someone must have spiked the beer, he was tripping. That was the only explanation for what he’d just witnessed.

“Damn it, Shikamaru!” Naruto yowled before joining Kiba in breathless grass-slapping. “At her birthday party, too?! She’s…she’s going to end you, bro!”

Shikamaru couldn’t take it anymore. High or not, this obviously wasn’t something he was capable of decoding! He lunged at Ino, hands grasping her shoulders like a lifeline.

“Ino, please!”

She shook her head sorrowfully. “Saboten, flowering cacti, are given as sexual gestures! Like, with that”—pointing with one hand, she squished up his cheeks in the other to wrench his head back toward Temari…and the obscene cactus—“you’re telling Temari—and anyone here with eyes and half a brain!—that you want her.”

“Whuh? Nwoh!” Even with Ino’s fingers distorting his words, he could hear the shrill of panic in them.

Ino released his face to massage her brow, wholly disappointed in his stupidity.

No longer obstructed, his voice was no less hysterical: “But that’s not a thing! How can that be a thing if only girls know about it?!”

Another reverberation of laughter.

Ino just groaned and face-palmed.

Shikamaru dared to glance back at Temari’s face, imploring. “Tema… I… I…!”

He couldn’t make the words happen. What could he say to erase a screw-up of these proportions?! They’d only been together for a few months—a few long-distance months! They hadn’t had the chance to get anywhere close to sex—they hadn’t even made out yet! Tonight had been the most physical they’d ever been!!

And I just propositioned her…for birthday sex…with a cactus…in front of half the village?!

His fingers rose to rake at his scalp, eyes widening in true realization.

“Oh,” Temari began darkly, taking a predatory step toward him, fingers tightening around the rim of the vulgar cactus’s pot, “it’s a thing, babe.”

This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.

Oh no.

There was fury flaming in her eyes.

Oh no.

He felt his stomach fall through the earth’s crust: she picked up the indecent cactus.

Oh no!

He felt his stomach hit the earth’s core and combust: she was coming at him with the cactus.

OH NO.

This was it. He was a dead man. He was going to die a virgin…because his girlfriend was going to eviscerate him with a plant. A spiky, evil plant.

But then another thought hit him. A thought even more horrific than the obituary reading, ‘Cause of death: proposition by cactus’:

She’s going to break up with me—she’s never going to speak to me again!

Just then, Ino bravely flung herself between him and the wrath of his sex-cactus-wielding girlfriend.

“He didn’t mean anything by it, Temari! Your boyfriend’s just a moron and didn’t”—she turned to give him the full force of her glare—“read the damn tags like I told him to, so he had no idea! He just wanted to give you something pretty from Suna, you know, to be sweet. Since you had to spend your birthday away from home and all.”

Temari’s glower softened, but only slightly, the sex cactus still firmly in her grasp.

Laughing to herself, Ino continued in practiced sarcasm: “Of course, I figured he’d get you a tiny desert rose or a little echeveria. You know, something you could actually take with you after the conference.” She turned to scowl at Shikamaru again. “I mean, really. You expect her to take a cactus with her on the three-day hike back to Suna?”

Shikamaru moaned, the heat of shame was melting him into the grass. “Temari, I’m so so—“

Realizing she had accidentally fanned the flames, Ino cut him off: “I know! Why don’t you open your present from Sai and me? I can guarantee it’s better than Shikamaru’s.” She chirped out cheerfully, “Sai, darling!”

Sai materialized from the darkness, gift bag in hand, and smiled serenely.

“Happy birthday, Temari!” he remarked and extended the bag, blissfully unaware of the murderous tension surrounding him.

Slightly stupefied, Temari lowered the x-rated cactus to the table at her side, and Shikamaru let out a quiet, shaky breath.

Ino, grab it while you can! He glanced frantically at his teammate, begging her to hear his thoughts, but she was focused on Temari.

Peering around Ino, he could see Temari raise an eyebrow.

As she accepted the proffered gift bag and parted the tissue paper, revulsion spread across her face. “Another one?!” She dropped the bag to the table with the rejected, dirty cactus in a heavy thud.

Ino, what the hell?!

“No, no…” Ino grinned, eyes twinkling gleefully back at Shikamaru. “You see, this isn’t traditional hanakotoba….”

Genius intellect or not, this was beyond Shikamaru’s understanding. How could he have foreseen any of this? All he knew was it was a miracle that he didn’t have a hundred new piercings to accent the ones in his ears. Hell, it was miraculous he still had a head on his shoulders! No... The true wonder was that Temari hadn’t shouted “We’re done!” and stormed off ages ago. He’d rather Temari skewer him with the stupid, debauched cactus and throw him on the yakitori….

Curiosity got the better of her, and Temari reached in. She slowly, gingerly retracted her hand, revealing something green and plant-y.

What is that thing?

Between Temari’s forefinger and thumb hung a frilled stalk of leaves…attached to a spiked, oblong fruit. She lifted her prize for all to see.

Ire and mortification forgotten—perhaps replaced with utter confusion—his girl’s black-emerald eyes met Ino’s.

“And what, exactly, are you trying to say with a pineapple?”

The question was saturated in sarcasm, but Shikamaru detected the slightest hint of playfulness coloring Temari’s words. He felt his lifespan slowly extending, not even noticing as Ino attained the sweet vengeance she’d promised….

“Oh, it’s simple…. Don’t you see it?” Ino waved a dainty hand, only just able maintain her casual façade, brimming with barely suppressed anticipation. “It’s Shikamaru, of course!”

It took only a second for the joke to hit, before the outburst of obnoxious, tipsy titters echoed through the night.

Ino nodded to herself, clearly satisfied with her delivery.

A fruit? Shikamaru thought dumbly, genius brain fogged with beer and total humiliation. She named a fruit after me?

“It-it’s perfect!” Naruto choked out from the lawn. He ripped up a handful of grass—dirt clods, roots, and all—and held it to Kiba’s head, miming...a ponytail.

Then a sidesplitting cackle rang out over the din. It was Shino, he’d finally cracked.

I am…a pineapple?

If Shikamaru had any blood left elsewhere in his circulatory system, it joined the rest in his face then.

Temari bit down on her lip, face twitching slightly. She closed one eye and slowly raised the fruit until it was perfectly parallel with her distraught boyfriend…and his pineapple-shaped head. Her teeth sunk in further. Her hand quaked, ...then her whole body.

Aliens had failed to kill Naruto, …yet Shikamaru was beginning to think the Child of Prophecy would laugh himself to death before the night was over.

“I chose a really green one, so it should be perfectly ripe by the time you have to head home,” Ino piped with yet another wink. “Figured a memento would keep you from missing him too much on the road!”

That was it. It finally happened.

Temari laughed.

And it wasn’t a snigger or a chuckle. Oh, no. It was a full-blown belly laugh. It bent her spine and sent the Shikafruit bouncing to the ground.

“Careful, you’re going to bruise him!” Choji roared, fueling the chorus of guffaws.

Shikamaru was too relieved to notice the embarrassment. Temari was laughing, and she couldn’t hate him if she was laughing! Hell, he’d answer to ‘Kiwi’ if that meant she’d forgive him! The corners of his lips started to turn upward.

From the corner of his eye, Shikamaru could see Lee was crying tears of youthful jubilation, and Hinata had finally awoken to Akamaru licking her face, blinking slowly.

About damn time for someone else to be the clueless one, he thought dimly.

Temari straightened halfway and wiped at her eyes, gasping out, “G-get over here, idiot!”

Shikamaru had already accepted that he had no retort, no defense. It was probably better to just get it over with, so he did as she commanded and loped over.

“Temari, I’m so sorry! I—“

She slapped him upside the head, latched onto his collar, yanked him close…and kissed him.

He had not seen that coming. He’d expected—at minimum—a bloody nose or Kamatari to join the party…. But this…

Just as he realized what was happening, just as his hands rose to cup her face, …she leaned back.

“No more plants,” she deadpanned under the catcalls, fingers tightening menacingly in his shirt, ocean-blue eyes glaring up into his.

“Never again,” he vowed in a murmur, trailing a set of knuckles down her flushed neck.

“Good!” she huffed, releasing him and swatting his hands off her skin. “Now hand me my pineapple.”

Finally, it was Shikamaru’s turn to laugh: “Yes, ma’am!”

Shaking his head, he stooped to retrieve his stand-in. Troublesome woman… he thought, placing it in her expectant hands.

He realized then that they were standing in the middle of the uproarious group—they were the literal center of attention—and he decided to give in to the liquid stupid just one more time.

“Alright,” he grumbled, face caught between a frown and a smirk, “you’re coming with me.” It’s not like I can get into any more trouble, right? I mean, I set the bar pretty damn high….

Before she knew what was happening, he had her scooped up in his arms, stupid pineapple and all. Careful to hold the hem of her dress in place, he carried his indignant girlfriend back to the abandoned armchair and sank into it.

Temari punched him in the shoulder but couldn’t keep a scowl in place…and collapsed into giggles.

“Okay, show’s over, folks! Someone cut the damn cake!” he announced, leaning one elbow against the armrest and finally allowing himself the solace of a nice face-palm. There was only so much humiliation a guy could take in one night, and he was never going to live this down—this was the stuff of legend around here!

Once she caught her breath, his girl scooted herself from his lap and up to the open armrest. Reclining against the backrest, she crossed her legs...and extended them to the opposite side, one foot dangling.

Peeking out between his fingers, there was a mile and a half of leg stretched out before him….

NopeNopeNope! he chided. Look alive, idiot! You’re living on borrowed time as it is!

He jerked his chin up…and found her smiling wickedly down at him.

It was a devious purr: “Attaboy…”

Fear slapped his face the in the opposite direction, eyes wide and cheeks flaming.

ShitShitShit!

“Birthday girl needs some cake, I said!” he crowed to no one and everyone.

“Chill, Shikamaru,” Ino teased, already on the move. “We’re on it.”

Temari flicked his ear but draped her arm over his shoulders. “What am I going to do with you?”

Moping and mortified, Shikamaru’s right hand returned to shield his burning face, while his left slid around Temari’s waist.

Then—as if the heavens had decided to prove to Shikamaru he wasn’t the only one capable of humiliating himself that night!—Sai opened his mouth:

“Beautiful,” Sai inquired of the woman in charge of dessert, “when would you like a cactus? Perhaps there’s a hanakotoba book you c—”

“Oh, Sai…” Ino groaned, flushing crimson, and pulled his wrist.

Shikamaru allowed himself one snicker, but just one. He figured suffering through her stupid pineapple revenge had earned him that much.

“We’ll talk about this later, handsome,” Ino assured, kissing Sai’s palm. “Now let’s shut them up with sugar before some other calamity happens out here!”

Then, only a few steps closer to Karui and the cake, she grumbled, “Well, your odds are a hell of a lot better than Shikamaru’s are right now….”

“Okay!” Sai concurred agreeably.

Temari’s laughter vibrated through her body directly into his.

Yup, Shikamaru concluded, the universe definitely had it out for him….

As he tried to disappear into the cushions, he heard something interesting off to the side.

“Hey, future hokage,” Sakura started, offering Naruto a hand off the ground. “Do you believe me now?”

The terrifying look in her seafoam eyes, the sarcasm in her voice—maybe the universe had moved on to another target, after all!

“Believe what, Sakura-chan?” Naruto squeaked out, one hand trapped in her vicelike grip, the other scratching nervously at his head.

“Wasn’t I just saying the Academy needs to teach cultural practices—like hanakotoba!—to all students, not just the future-kunoichis? Just think, we could have avoided this whole idiotic display…if”—her eyes blazed dangerously, her deathgrip tightened—“the curriculum were...corrected.”

Sheepishly, Shikamaru’s third favorite blonde gave the only response he could:

“You right.”

Against his better judgement, Shikamaru decided to run with Sakura’s reasoning, pivoting his head towards his girl with a smirk.

“See, Temari? It’s not my fa—“

Another slap upside the head cut him off. “Don’t even try, pineapple,” she scoffed.

Birthdays, women… They were all so troublesome.

...But maybe he liked a little trouble?

–

The Chunin Exams were planned, the conference was over, the sun was only just starting to rise…and Temari was standing at the village gate, about to depart for Suna.

“Guess you’re gonna tell the kazekage and Kankuro about your birthday, huh?” Shikamaru asked, hands stuffed in his pockets, absently kicking at a rock.

The days after her dinner party had gone by smoothly and without incident, but now that she was leaving….

“What, and start an international incident? Nah.” She winked. “They’re definitely getting a slice of Ino’s pineapple, though—don’t get too many of these babies in the desert!” Grinning wide, she patted the bottom of her overstuffed backpack. “Besides…” She lowered her voice, narrowed her eyes, “I’m sure they’ll hear all about your exploits soon enough on their own.” She shrugged theatrically. “Shame your present couldn’t travel, huh? Then I could’ve shown them how it all began….”

“Yeah, yeah…” Shikamaru pouted and scratched the back of his head, knowing he’d be catching shit for her birthday for the next decade or two. From Temari, from Konoha, from Suna… Hell, even from Kumo since Karui was there!

“Oh, don’t be such a baby! And speaking of my present... It better still be alive the next time I’m in town!” she snarked. “Anyways, I’ve got something to show you before I hit the road.”

She smiled that wicked smile of hers as the ascent of the morning sun cast a golden halo around her face. It made for a surreal combination….

“Tenten brought you the prints, didn’t she?” he groaned, throwing out an unimpressed hand. Why, Tenten, why?

“Sharp as ever.”

She withdrew a thick envelope from her weapons pouch and slapped the first two rectangles into his hand, one on top of the other.

“We don’t have time to go through all of them—whether you like it or not, we’re going to someday!—but these two are my favorites.”

Of course she’d organized them by favorites. No doubt, in order of how stupid he looked. Grudgingly, Shikamaru looked down. There was no point trying to avoid it, no matter how much he might have wished to forgo reliving his disgrace….

“First, we have the ‘Before.’ Like Tenten’s caption?”

Shikamaru had to smirk, he couldn’t help it. The ‘Before’ showed him grinning big with his arms wrapped securely around a pink and pouting Temari. Her tanned legs were tangled up in his blazer as she fought to escape his grip…and destroy the camera.

Beautiful, he thought, and deadly.

Underneath the photo, Tenten’s neat handwriting read:

‘Yeah, I’m the man.’

Shikamaru nodded in appreciation. He had to agree with Tenten’s assessment: he sure as hell looked the part. He slid an arm around Temari’s shoulders and leaned in to admire his handiwork. Even knowing what the next picture would show, he had to tease her: “Look what one little kiss did to you, you’re all flustered and sulky!”

Not even bothering to glare at him, she deadpanned: “You know you’re about to eat those words, don’t you?”

“Yeah,” he muttered, sullen again. “I know….”

“Let’s take a look at the ‘Post-Cactus’ photo, shall we?”

Gleefully, she brought forth the monument to his eternal shame.

He wasn’t mentally prepared to look at the actual image yet, so his eyes fell on Tenten’s caption:

‘The Queen and her Pineapples’

Yup, he conceded, that sounds about right.

“So what do you think, Shikamaru?” she goaded, looking up at him so sweetly. “Personally, I think it might be Tenten’s magnum opus. I just don’t think she can top it!”

Oh, grow a pair, he scolded himself.

Grumbling and fighting off a blush, he finally looked at the image. They were in that armchair again but…

Whoa.

Temari looked like a goddess gracing a mortal with her presence. She was smiling triumphantly in the firelight, showing off her perfect teeth. Perched elegantly on the armrest, she had her long legs crossed demurely.…

Hello.

And he’d thought they’d looked good in the first photo! He was afraid she’d somehow catch him staring like a perv, so he tore his eyes away and finally faced the first jab to his ego. Temari had one hand proudly supporting that menace of a cactus in her lap. The second jab, of course, was dangling the damned pineapple above his hunched shoulder…for comparison.

He sighed. She looked amazing…and then there was him.

He, a mere mortal, was slouched over, hiding his red face in his hand. Though only a grimace and a single eye were visible, it was more than clear he was glowering at his fruit look-alike.

He’d seen enough. He closed his eyes, shaking his head with a reluctant grin.

If I didn’t have that arm around her, I’d look one-hundred percent whipped…instead of, ya know, just ninety….

He reopened his eyes at the sound of Temari’s voice.

“I almost forgot. Tenten left a little note with the pictures,” Temari went on, voice noticeably softer.

Evidently, she’d decided she’d tortured him enough for one trip.

“Look, everyone signed it.”

She withdrew a slip of paper from the envelope and unfolded it for his eyes:

‘We’re all so sorry about the other night, Temari! We weren’t laughing at you, just at your boo! You guys are ~perfect~ together and all of us ship you so much!! Please don’t be mad. We love you. Come back soon.’

Smiling faintly, she carefully folded it up, slipped it in the envelope, and stowed it safely in her pouch.

Shikamaru rubbed her shoulder, unsure of what to say.

Even though they literally cackled at his misery…documented it in photos…and would never, ever let him forget it… He had the best friends around.

And they’d become her friends, too.

Damn it, she’s turning me into such a sap!

As if on cue, it finally hit him:

There was no way all their friends just happened to have Temari’s birthday off! And the gifts they’d supposedly gotten or baked or whatever with one day’s notice…!

Ino and Choji… He shook his head with a grin. And probably Sakura, too.

They must have known he’d eventually get his act together and had just planned around it!

“Anyways,” Temari continued, “those two are for you to keep, but don’t worry: I have my own copies.” She snatched the pictures from his hand and slowly unzipped his vest. Slipping them into the mesh of his undershirt, she whispered, “Keep these close to your heart, babe.” She gave his chest a firm pat, clearly recalling how much she loved to torture him.

He was the least manly shade of magenta, he was sure of it. Troublesome woman…

Noting the sun’s position in the sky, she sighed, resigned, and looked away. “I have to get going.”

“Yeah, okay,” he frowned.

One week was only enough to make him miss her. At least they’d both be in Suna at the same time next month.

“But before I go, I have a favor to ask, Shikamaru….”

Her voice had brightened, it sounded…dangerous. Her stormy-hued eyes were wide with contrived innocence, looking up at him so fondly.

Shikamaru stiffened. He knew the signs, he just didn’t know what was coming.

Temari leaned into him. Standing on pointed toes to reach his ear, as if to whisper sweet-nothings, she placed a gentle hand on his cheek.

“Kill my sex cactus,” she threatened in a honeyed coo, “and I’ll kill you.” With a firm pat on the cheek and a kiss on his lips, she turned on her heel. “Bye, boyfriend!”

As his hand rose to where hers had been, as he watched her stride off toward the desert, a chill ran down his spine.

Damn, his girlfriend was scary.

Birthdays, man! So troublesome! ;)

🌵 Sooo this was my first time writing Temari or Shikamaru...or ShikaTema...ever! And fluff is new for me, since my default setting is dark and twisty…. I blame the sangria that 💯 fueled this marathon of a speedwrite. 🍷

🌵 I tried really hard to do them justice, and I hope this turned out okay!! If you liked it please let me know! ‘Cause that reblog / comment button is actually the “validate button.” ♥ Thank you for reading.

🌵 I hope to write a very NSFW continuation of this, also for Temari Week / Month. Let’s just say Shika manages not to kill the birthday sex cactus.... 🎂

🌵 Might continue this fic if there's interest! Beyond the smutty/fluffy Part II, mean. I do have several ideas! Might also be tempted into a possible SaiIno spinoff...?

🌵 Find my other fics on FF.net here; I write mainly SasuSaku + ItaSaku.

🍍 Shout out to @toondoon1010, @angrypisces, @thepiestperson for their support! Thanks, guys! ♥

–

XOXO

Endoh

🌵🍍🌵 UPDATE 11/16/18: NSFW SEQUEL COMING FOR SHIKAMARU WEEK 2019! 🌵🍍🌵

110 notes · View notes

darkcloud-kcalifornia · 6 years

Text

Alright, season finale time for My Little Pony. I’ve been trying to avoid spoilers for this one. No idea what’s going to happen. So, let’s see what goes down in “Shadow Play”

* We open on the book that got the ominous sting at the end of the last episode. So yeah, I guess we were in the finale then.

* Huh, a different set of Elements being talked about here. OK, we’ve got Rockhoof as Strength, Flash Magnus as Bravery, Meadowbrook as Healing, Mist Mane as Beauty, Somnambula as Hope, and who I’m guessing is Star Swirl the Bearded as Sorcery. [note to self: look up actual names]

* And apparently they had been gathered together by somepony else to embody their ideals, like the Mane 6 were. Was this Celestia, or somepony else?

* Ooh, the gatherer was a unicorn stallion, but the ancient Elements came to believe he was just wanting to use their power for himself and so they cast him out.

* Then he became Shadow Pony, and the Pillars stood as one against him. They beat him but had to make some kind of sacrifice to do so, and created a seed to carry hope to the future. I wonder, was that seed the origin of the Tree of Harmony? I’m also seeing the emergence of the sun and moon on the sides of where I have it paused right now, so maybe it’s the origins of Celestia and Luna?

* Incidentally, I am loving this lore dump.

* Oh good, Sunburst was smart enough to make a report on this directly to the Alicorn Sisters and the Mane 6. I guess he knows who has to deal with all the destiny crap around here.

* Huh, apparently Celestia never knew what happened to Starswirl, but these were apparently his last words before vanishing.

* OK, so Celestia and Luna were around back then, but young and had only ever met Starswirl.

* Reluctant nerd hoofbump. Also, I like how Celestia doesn’t know much Old Ponish anymore due to disuse. It’s a nice nod to what happens when you don’t use something. I can’t imagine how bad it would be after 1000 years. I’m a bit surprised Luna isn’t more familiar with it though, given how she spent most of the time sealed away. Unless she was fully cognizant of the passage of time during those 1000 years, which is… fairly nightmareish.

* So, more to Old Ponish than she thought, actual other languages being used, or Starswirl just had horrible hornwriting. You decide!

* Ah, sloppy writing. Only readable by somepony who is ever worse at that kind of thing. Anyway, the last stand was at the Temple of Ponhenge at the base of Mt. Foal. …OK, I know they try and fit in horse puns, but “Ponhenge”? Surely they could have done better than that.

* Those ruins look nice and ruiny. Also not much like Stonehenge, which again makes me wonder why they referenced that.

* Be careful what you wish for Twilight. Also, be careful where you place ancient magical tomes.

* Ooooh, ancient holographic display of the final battle. So, sealed away, and the objects each pony carried are somehow related. Well, they’ve got the book, and they know where the mask is at least, so that just leaves the flower, the blindfold, the shield, and the shovel. Gonna be honest, might be hard finding a flower after 1000 years.

* Never underestimate Twilight’s ability to be a nerd.

* Right, so banished to Limbo, but they had to take him there themselves and so got stuck there with him. …Who’s gonna be the idiot to try and get them out and release the Pony of Shadows in the process?

* Twilight! Twilight shall be that idiot! Come over here so I can slap you!

* RD does not like demonstrative models.

* Boo! The Map stepping in to help the search is cheating! Although this might be seen as the Tree of Harmony trying to get its parents back. Kinda touching if you think of it like that.

* Skeptical archeologist is skeptical. Somepony should tell her she’s in a fantasy series.

* Had no idea AJ was that strong. Oh well, Shovel Get!

* Rarity’s problem to overcome is crappy gardening? I can’t say I think much of Mist Mane’s descendant if it never occurred to her to, you know, perform upkeep. Or hire others to do it. Heck, just apply for a government grant if money’s the problem, that place has got to be a historical site, and once you attract tourists you can get money for, you know, upkeep. Flower Get.

* Actually Flash Magnus’ shield being in the Dragon Lands makes quite a bit of sense. It was made to combat dragons after all. Makes sense that either it would accidentally get left behind after an expedition, or stolen by the dragons to keep it from being used.

* Also, neat to see a Spike/RD teamup, even if it’s likely gonna last a minute or two of screentime.

* Ugh, seriously, Garble has it? Somepony just kick that idiot in the face so this can be over with.

* Garble is stupidest dragon. Seriously, he just got outwitted by Rainbow Dash. Well regardless, Shield Get.

* Fluttershy… just help to move the zap bee hive, and didn’t even need to do that to get the mask. She just felt like it. But then arguably her trial was a few episodes ago anyway. Mask Get.

* Pinkie’s trail… was very Pinkie. And that ooze was a lot less dangerous then they made it out to be. Um, Blindfold get?

* How is Starlight the voice of reason with regards to the risk involved in this plan?

* Why didn’t Pinkie wash that thing before bringing it >P

* Oh, gee, Starswirl is horrified that somepony broke the seal what are the odds?

* Way to summon the ancient evil, Twilight.

And there’s the end of episode 1. Time for a stretch and snack I think. Let’s all go to the lobby, let’s all go to the lobby…

* Yeah, having a backup plan in case the ancient evil escaped as well would have been a great idea, Twilight. You still have that slap coming.

* Twilight and Starlight are able to hold the PoS back with a double tech… but can’t stop him from escaping at the speed of dark. Nice going, Twilight.

* On one hoof, having the person you’ve revered all your life give you the dirtiest look for your incompetence must suck. On the other, she really has this coming.

* Heh, Pinkie pointing out all of the other threats they’ve had to save Equestria from is a good one. And I like how Magnus is totally down for teaming up with the modern heroes to beat PoS into submission. But Starswirl is going to be an absolute grumpy gus about this.

* Yay, source of Tree of Harmony, and the Elements, confirmed!

* And now Starswirl is planning on sacrificing the Elements to seal PoS again. Despite the cost to Equestria. Yeah, getting Outer Senshi vibes from this guy. Which is a shame, because all of the other Pillars seem to be perfectly nice and affable ponies willing to work together.

* And Twilight’s search for a different solution… just has keeping the Pillars around while still sacrificing the Elements. And yeah, the Pillars made the elements, but did so over a long incubation period. Try following Starlight’s advice and look for a non-banishment solution, stupid.

* Kinda funny how the heroes are having trouble tracking PoS down because Equestria is a better place, so all of the old dens of darkness are just fine these days.

* Starswirl needs to get his head outta his flank.

* I think some offense was taken.

* Yeah, the narrative is leaning pretty hard against Starswirl and towards Starlight here. Especially with the whole “Once a villain, always a villain” bit.

* Thank you, Starlight, for actually asking what happened all those years ago.

* Huh, Sirens confirmed as series canon. Odd. Mind you I don’t know that much about them as I’ve never watched the movies, but some things are unavoidable knowledge if you hang out online in the fanbase.

* The PoS’s name was Stygian? Man, it’s like his parents wanted him to go supervillain.

* So Stygian gathered them together to fight evil, but got jealous. At one point he stole their artifacts to work some spell or another, but was discovered before actually finishing and was cast out. And when he came back he did so as Dark Death Evil Man. But as Starlight helps to point out, they don’t know what exactly he had been trying to accomplish with his spell, though their guess is stealing their power.

* Yeah, Starlight has had enough of Starswirl’s crap.

* Now I’m wondering who build the temple to the Shadows, as apparently it already existed before Stygian came upon it. Also, never listen to the mythos spoken from the depths of the Earth, dude.

* Oh look, there’s more to the story than meets the eye, who could have guessed.

* Well, Twilight’s been holding the idiot ball all finale thus far, but at least she noticed the pony of Stygian within the Pony of Shadows. Not sure diving in was the right idea though.

* OK, Stygian’s side comes out, he wanted to make copies of their artifacts in the hope it would make him a Pillar and he could join the battles. That’s still something you really need to talk about before you go stealing stuff.

* Rainbow Friendship Lasso Beam go!

* So The Shadows are banished, but Stygian remains. Happy end!

* Aw, Starswirl commenting on how tall Celestia got is cute! And Luna asking not to have to turn in the essays they were supposed to 1000 years ago is just funny.

* Can’t blame the Pillars for wanting to see what’s changed over the course of a millennia. Of course there’s the problem of nopony’s gonna believe who they are.

And that’s the end of the season. It was pretty good all things considered. Although this ending does make one question how things are going to work out with the non-reformed villains. OK, Sombra isn’t likely to be a problem, but he is still awkward in that they killed him all kinds of dead. But the new characters introduced seem decent enough now that we actually get to see them in something other than tales. And I’m still curious about who built the shrine to the Shadows. Evil cultist ponies!

Also, I may not care much about shipping debates and all that, but I can definitely see Rainbow Dash/Flash Magnus being a thing. At the very least they’re certainly chummy with each other.

#tv talk #episode reactions #my little pony friendship is magic #MLP:FiM #mlp s7 e 25 #mlp s7 e26 #shadow play

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shadowyin-yang · 7 years

Note

For the prompt thing, something with Anders, Fenris, and Zevran, based around "I was mistaken, it seems. I was under the impression you were... Close"?

Send Me Prompts!

This turned a bit longer than intended…Idk if this is what you were looking for but here we go!

Link to Ao3 Chapter: here.

Misc notes: Pre-Fenders, feelings of jealousy, Zevran/Warden mentions

Stupid, ignorant elf who thinks he knows so much! Ugh!

“Anders…!” The man didn’t stop walking or respond to his name. In fact, he hurried more in his steps. No, this day was over. He planned to go home, clean up, take a 5 minute nap before Justice kicks him back to work, and no more of…everything else! With all those days they spent in Sundermont Anders was just surprised he and Fenris didn’t snap at each other sooner. Guess it was too soon to hope that they’d make a trip out and back without feelings getting hurt…

Anders just reached the lift to Darktown when he heard his name again. He entered the lift and turned around just as Hawke approached. He could see Fenris and Varric taking their time in the distance.

“I’m not apologizing!” Anders snapped before Hawke could open their mouth. Anders activated the lift without waiting for the others, not that Fenris would want to be near him anyway.

“I’m not asking you to apologize. I’m…apologizing on behalf of Fenris,” Hawke muttered the second half as the lift made a loud creak and started moving.

“You’ve apologized for him enough!” Anders argued in frustration.

“Mage!”

“Heads up you two!”

Their attention snapped to their companions who were running towards them. A shadowy figure swooped in from the top and through the narrow space above before they were underground. An unfamiliar thud was heard above them but the mages paid it no mind as they both reached for their staffs. The magic in their hands sizzled when the figure swiftly removed his black hood. “Peace my friends! It is only I, the harmless Zevr-AH!”

The lift stopped without warning, catching them all off guard and sending the mages off balance as they hit the ground.

“…That was not part of my plan before you either of you decide to blame ol’ Zevran,” the elf stated when everything grew quiet.

“Andraste’s Knickerweasels, did this stop moving?!” Anders looked up and patted the wall. There was barely any light coming into the lift. They were surrounded by the metal most of the ride was made out of as well as the earth mixed in with decaying wood. Anders always did figure some of this had to be replaced at some point before they lose an entrance - but not this soon!

“Maker, you didn’t have to scare us like that,” Hawke stated, finally addressing Zevran after standing up.

“I got bored waiting. I had a delivery to make in-person; and I traveled all this way back to Kirkwall only to find who I was looking for was out with the Champion. I figured I might as well make a memorable entrance when the time came. Not exactly like this of course. I believe your friends may have mistaken me as an enemy.”

“I wonder why…” Hawke replied sarcastically, noting Zevran covered in all black with light armor. Though Hawke couldn’t help but give a tilt in confusion upon noticing a small basket covered with fabric dangling from the assassin’s arm. Was Zevran delivering a picnic basket to (Hawke assumed was) Anders?

Zevran only replied with a laugh, “That is fair. You have loyal friends, Champion. The dwarf almost shot me…but no harm done. To me anyway.” Despite the playful tone, Hawke could see Zevran’s eyes travel, examining their little boxed in situation. He eventually focused in at edge of the ceiling, where the little cracks of light from above barely came in. Hawke followed the other’s line of sight and saw a small dent at the roof of the lift.

“Oh for Maker’s sake. Is that a bolt from Bianca?!”

“Bianca’s one strong woman.”

“Don’t tell Varric that. He’ll never stop reminding us then.” Hawke immediately warned.

“Mage! Hawke!”

“Fenris! Varric!” Hawke shouted back. Their barely lit space showed movement with constant moving shadows before it stilled again and Hawke could barely make out the silhouettes of their friends through the tiny gap.

“Are you two hurt?” Varric shouted.

“We’re fine! You gotta remove the bolt! We’re stuck!”

“And the enemy?” Fenris asked.

“It’s just Zevran!”

“Just? You could not throw in a bit of flair?”

“On it! You guys sit tight!” The silhouettes started moving again and Hawke looked back towards Zevran once they heard some creaking above them.

“I guess they’ll finish with that soon. You know, if you were looking for Isabela, I’m pretty sure she’s still hanging around the Hanged Man. No pun intended.”

“I shall pay her a visit before I leave, naturally. However, I was sent here to see Mi Amor’s old friend, Warden Anders…” Zevran’s amused face dropped as his eyes glanced towards the mage in question. Hawke turned around to find Anders curled up in the corner.

“Hey…Anders!” Hawke immediately dropped to their knees and reached out, gently touching Anders’s shoulder.

“I’mfine,” Anders muttered quickly between heavy breaths, his face buried in his knees. Anders flinched when they heard another loud creak and the lift dropped for a moment. “I’m…fine,” he repeated when everything stilled again. “It’ll over soon…right? It…it’s only a moment before we go down far enough to Darktown…”

Hawke was ready to smack themselves upon realizing their surroundings a tad too late. They immediately summoned fire in one hand and their other hand softly caressed Anders’s back. “That’s right. They’ll get this moving soon, and we’ll be in Darktown. You’ll see.” Hawke had to resist rolling their eyes at the irony of seeking light in Darktown.

Anders could only nod in reply. The lift jostled again and the only noise for a moment were of Varric and Fenris above them.

“Meow…”

Anders lifted his head. Was that…a hallucination?

“Mew~” Soft fur, cute paws, and beautiful eyes. Zevran was knelt before Anders, holding out the basket he had. Underneath the small blanket was a cat staring curiously at Anders. Blocking out the world around him Anders reached out and lifted the cat and swiftly shifted himself to gain a better hold on the magnificent creature.

“Am I dreaming? Pounce, is that you?!” Anders gave the tabby a scratch on his stomach, and Pounce curled into the touch like he always did. Anders let out laugh and suddenly felt some tears about to run down his face. “Oh Pounce! It is you! Pounce…My little warrior! Who is the bravest cat in all of Thedas?~” Anders brought the cat to his chest and he could hear the soft purrs as Pounce rubbed against his face.

The lift shook again before going into a brief drop followed by more creaking. But this time it moved at a regular pace, annoying screeches and all. Before long, light fluttered in as they finally reached Darktown, much to Anders’s relief.

Fenris tapped the wall impatiently. By the time this lift goes down and back up, he could walk over to another entrance and probably still find his friends before he would get down there waiting on this entrance.

“Calm yourself now, ya Broody Elf. You heard it was just that flirtatious assassin down with them. They’re fine. Isabela knows him, remember?” Varric reassured but it only had Fenris tapping faster.

“It is dark in there. And regardless if this Zevran is friends with Isabela or not, he is still an assassin.”

“I suppose that could be something worry about,” Varric rubbed his chin in thought, “But at least we’ll know who to kill if worst comes to worst.”

Fenris grumbled to himself.

The lift eventually came back up and the two made their way to Darktown only to find none of their companions were waiting for them at the bottom.

“Rude,” Varric stated as he started walking. Fenris didn’t have to be told as the two hurried towards the clinic.

The lantern was out, but it didn’t stop the two as they continued until they pushed on the door. It opened easily and the two stepped inside before shutting it behind him. Fenris glared as he immediately spotted Zevran snooping around Anders’s desk - and Hawke stood by letting him do it! Sure, he wasn’t moving anything, but the nimble fingers were still touching and poking things!

“I cannot believe you guys just left us! You realize were going to come right down didn’t you?” Varric was the first to speak as he walked up to the pair with Fenris silently behind him.

“Sorry, we wanted to get Anders back to the clinic as soon as possible. The dark,” Hawke gestured vaguely at the clinic entrance and Varric gave an ‘ah’ in understanding. Fenris took that as a reason to check up on the mage. Without word he took a step towards the back of the clinic but Hawke’s hand reached out in front of him. “I think we should let him be for a bit.”

Fenris stared, partially confused, but was quick to look away. He didn’t argue but his gaze dropped to the floor as a feeling of helplessness washed over him.

Zevran turned to face the rest of the group, curious to what just occurred. He couldn’t, shouldn’t, but his lack of a guilty conscious regarding this particular situation didn’t cease the amusement he was feeling as he leaned back on the desk to watch how it will unfold.

“Anders is fine, don’t worry. If you were worried I mean. I can’t tell sometimes.” Hawke stated, mostly for reassurance. Fenris only folded his arms but didn’t answer and continued to glare at the ground. “If it helps, I did get to telling him that I said sorry on your behalf before the whole thing went down!”

“I do not need you apologizing on my behalf, Hawke…” Fenris had to force himself to speak slower, if for the sake not to sound angry.

What is this? Has something occurred since the last time Zevran was in Kirkwall? He couldn’t help but do some more poking. Surely this something involved Anders, and when it involved Anders, it involved his dear Warden. That is reason enough to investigate the matter! He stopped leaning on the desk and started pacing around as he spoke. “Do not worry, my friend. Your favorite mage will be fine now that he has his favorite loved one in his arms again.” Zevran eyes didn’t miss the small twitch on the other elf’s face.

“…What.” He could hear the shift in the pitch and saw the tenseness go up in the warrior. The dwarf must’ve noticed too with him pulling back from the group in silence while scribbling on a parchment.

“Yeah, I suppose his cat is a loved one with the way he always talked about Pounce,” Hawke stated while scratching their head. “Oh yeah! Zevran here brought back Anders’s old cat! The one with the cute name? Ser Pounce-a-lot! Ah how do I even top that?”

The tenseness in Fenris significantly decreased. Zevran watched the way Fenris tried to regain control of his breathing to avoid letting out a sigh of relief - an obvious sign that even Hawke could pick up on if it had occurred.

“Champion, perhaps we should leave. Fenris here clearly wishes to spend time with his own Amor.” There was a look of confusion on Fenris. That won’t do. So Zevran continued: “Amor. It comes in many names. My dove. My swan. My sun. Lover.”

Hawke snickered, “Oh, yeah, because Anders means so much to Fenris.” Oh dear Champion. If only you knew.

Fenris’s eyes widened and his body froze over. Those mere moments of vulnerability felt like ages to Fenris when finally, he regained control and shook his head furiously. “Do not be ridiculous and insinuate such a thing!”

Zevran could only shrug in response. He could see how Fenris didn’t like how the grin never left. “Oh? My apologies then, my friend. I was mistaken, it seems. I was under the impression you were…Close? Perhaps it was someone else that Warden Anders spoke of in his letters to his former Commander.”

Zevran felt he had to be rewarded for not laughing right then and there. In just seconds he watched Fenris try to silently decipher what was just said. The warrior’s emotions would then jump all the over the place. Zevran could pick up a hint of hurt and confusion in the other, and then Fenris would try to get his body to act as neutral as possible to the untrained eye.

“Are you guys talking behind my back again?” Everyone’s attention drifted to the back of the clinic where Anders pushed aside the fabric that blocked the entrance to his ‘room’ and started approaching. Anders still cuddled Pounce in his arms.

“Not at all,” Zevran waved off, “I simply mentioned you still spoke with Mi Amor.”

“Ah, well, we do-” Anders didn’t even get to finish when Fenris swiftly walked up to him and grabbed one of the man’s arm. He effectively stopped Anders in his tracks and attempted to turn him around to pull him back to the room but Anders stubbornly refused to move (not unless Fenris wanted to start dragging him). Fenris stopped pulling and looked back to Anders who was effectively glaring him down.

“I need word,” Fenris stated as if that was enough to convince Anders.

“Yeah and? I’m still pissed at you.” Anders pulled his hand back and properly cuddled his cat closer.

Fenris sighed. “I apologize for my behavior earlier. I wish to properly mend what happened with you if you let me. But I still need word with you. Alone.”

Anders looked back to the others in confusion. Varric seemed keen to keep writing on his parchment while sitting on a cot. Hawke just shrugged, looking as confused as Anders was.

“Go on, we shall be right here. No harm, yes?” Zevran encouraged, trying to wave the two off.

“Alright but if I die, you guys all know the culprit right?” with that agreement, Anders followed Fenris back to his room while snuggling his cat to his face. “It’s okay, Pounce. I won’t let meanie-Fenris treat you badly. If Daddy dies, you run though, okay?”

“Meow?” Anders’s soft laugh was the last thing heard before he and Fenris disappeared behind the cloth.

Zevran clasped his hands together to give himself a feeling of accomplishment. He swiftly started heading towards the door and putting on his headgear while doing so. Hawke seemed to follow his example as they picked up their staff.

“What, you’re both leaving? Not going to stay for the show?” Varric gestured to the back of the clinic. Hawke only blinked in confusion.

“The what? I mean if you want to make sure they don’t kill each other, that would be great. I need to get home and see if my dog’s okay! He’s been alone for days!”

“Alright, but if you pass Isabela, send her down here. You staying?” Varric asked Zevran as he fixed up his cloak.

“I regretfully cannot,” Zevran answered. “I will stop by again to see you though, Champion. I seem to have misplaced a letter in my robe somewhere…I shall find it, no worries. I will keep an eye on Isabela if I pass her. For now, I have other matters to attend to.” One of them being to escape from here before Fenris learns that Anders hasn’t spoken of any lover in his letters to his former Commander.

#prompt fill #fenders #fenris #anders #da fanfic #syyprompted #syydrabble #dirtycorzaharkness

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onthevirgeofdestruction · 4 years

Link

Plea for My New Self

Sanders sides Vampire College AU - it’s gay - it’s full of fun fluffy tropes - a bit o’ hurt/comfort - mostly fluff

Chapter 23: Human

Chapter 1 for New Readers - ffn mirror

Virgil had made the requested outfit change that Roman asked him to and switched to slacks. He also buttoned up his shirt most of the way instead of wearing it loose over his tank top. Virgil sat idly cleaning his nails behind the curtain at his desk while Roman changed. This seemed a little ridiculous. Roman’s heart rate was going wild and he was rushing around the bedroom. Roman already knew Virgil was into him.

“I can just take us to a 5-star restaurant,” Virgil offered and punched the curtain lightly to get Roman’s attention. “Something fancy and romantic with candles and shit,”

“I’ve already picked the locations and you can deal with it,” Roman said haughtily and headed into the bathroom. It sounded like it was at least somewhat premeditated from the demands to change clothes, but it sounded like Roman had a very set idea of what he wanted and not something vague. How long had he been thinking about this?

“I was just offering to make you less stressed,” Virgil supplied blithely and let him go back to his fancifying routine.

“I was planning on asking you out later today and I’m just bitter that mega-dork beat me to it,” Roman groaned through the bathroom door. “I don’t suppose you have dress shoes?” Roman asked, making a clicking noise with his tongue.

“At Deceit’s place. I didn’t think I’d need them for class, to be honest,” Virgil told him with a brief chuckle. Despite his long-ass life, Virgil couldn’t have anticipated any of this, and even less think he’d need dress shoes to go to lectures. Roman exited the bathroom again.

“Then we’ll polish your boots and hope nobody cares,” Roman said. Some digging noises were followed by shoe polish flying through Virgil’s curtain. Virgil rolled his eyes as his boots came flying through the curtain next. This was very extra. Where were they going that needs fancy shoes, anyway? He shined his shoes diligently while Roman went back into the bathroom. His boots were new and pretty easy to shine up to a bright polish.

Roman had reemerged from the bathroom with what felt like some newfound confidence and pulled Virgil’s curtain open. Roman had changed into a red button-down with golden buttons and a classy white embroidered swirling pattern around the left shoulder with a pair of dark slacks. He had smoothed his hair down more professionally than usual and applied a little red and gold eyeshadow along with his ‘natural glow’ type of makeup routine.

“Wow,” Virgil said in awe. “I didn’t know you had a real prince under all that annoying,” Virgil smirked and motioned at Roman with a twisting motion, raising his eyebrow.

“Come on, you freaking asshat,” Roman said and rolled his eyes, and grabbed Virgil’s hand to head downstairs. Virgil chuckled and kissed Roman’s hand as he yanked them down the hall, and Roman’s ears turned pink, but he didn’t turn around.

“What? You know I think you look great,” Virgil squeezed his hands. Roman just huffed. “You look splendidly handsome and I’m a dick who should tell you instead of trust you feel it,” Virgil apologized when Roman was still feeling pouty.

“Thank you,” Roman said, and his mood lifted pretty quickly.

“So, do I get to know where we’re going, Princey?” Virgil asked as they walked downstairs.

“Nope! Give me your phone and credit card,” Roman said with a smirk and held out his free hand. Virgil huffed in frustration, but a little laugh came through as he handed over his credit card and his phone unlocked. Roman let go of his hand and went to the rideshare app and then blocked the screen from Virgil’s view with a quick glace to Virgil. Oh, the extra has only just begun, it seems. Virgil put on his gloves, glasses, and mask again with a sigh. He crossed his arms and tapped his biceps while Roman assumedly summoned a ride.

In the back seat of the car Roman spent a bit of time entering the credit card into something on his phone in the car over to, well, wherever he was taking him. Virgil held his forearm in frustration and leaned out of the light. Roman eventually pocketed Virgil’s card and his phone and reached next to him to hold Virgil’s hand. Virgil sighed and let go of himself to take Roman’s hand again, looking over to him warily.

“So, I can’t know your plans, but can you promise it’s nowhere we’ll be in danger of… things I can’t stop?” Virgil asked quietly, dancing around the subject in case the driver was listening. Roman chuckled slightly and leaned against Virgil in the back seat.

“No, you’re not at any risks. I picked this first place with that very thing in mind,” Roman consoled him with a little smile.

“Oh, so there're multiple destinations?” Virgil asked, examining Roman carefully for any other information. Virgil wasn’t a big fan of surprises.

“Yes,” Roman said with a mischievous smile but didn’t say anything else. Virgil huffed. “We’ll have a wonderful time, you goober, lighten up,” Roman said and shoved Virgil with his elbow lightly before sitting back up. Roman squeezed his hand reassuringly, and Virgil sighed. He’d just have to trust Roman and hope there weren’t any of Virgil’s fears on the agenda. And try to keep it calm enough he Roman can’t feel too much of his nervousness over the shield.

The rideshare car pulled up outside of what looked like an abandoned mall. Virgil looked at it suspiciously through the window as they pulled up to a stop before tipping the driver in cash and stepping out of the car.

“Princey, this looks like somewhere people get murdered,” Virgil muttered as Roman walked up next to him and took his hand again.

“Well, I’ll certainly be putting you on ice,” Roman smiled with a mischievous laugh. Virgil raised his eyebrow at Roman but followed as Roman tugged his hand to lead him in. “Let’s put my new endurance and reflexes to the test,” Roman said coquettishly as they pushed through the glass doors into a creepy empty hallway.

“Hecate, Princey, this isn’t some kind of fuckin’ fight club is it?” Virgil froze in the hall and Roman couldn’t pull him forward this time.

“No, stormcloud, it’s not a fight club. What kind of date would that be? No need to be scared of that. Anyway, we’d probably win. Come on, there’s no fighting or crime inside. It’s just the only thing left in the mall,” Roman reassured him with another tug and Virgil reluctantly moved forward. He wasn’t positive he wasn’t walking into some kind of trap. “Virgil, seriously, it’s safe, what kind of man do you take me for?” Roman huffed, rolling his eyes and stopped at some lockers in the hallway. He pulled Virgil in for a hug and rubbed his back briefly. “Let’s get our shoes in the lockers,”

“I’m so confused,” Virgil moaned and was pulled down by Roman onto a bench next to him. He sighed and undid his laces to remove them.

“You went through all that effort to polish them, so we should keep them nice,” Roman said placatingly and took Virgil’s shoes along with his to the lockers, feeding it some quarters and locking them away. Virgil rolled his eyes since scuffing his shoes wasn’t exactly on the top of his list of worries right now. He sat there until Roman yanked him back up and they walked a few more feet until they entered another pair of double glass doors… to an ice skating rink. Virgil felt like a giant freaking idiot for worrying so much and felt his face grow hot, dropping his head.

“I’m not positive exactly what that feeling is, but let’s get our skates and not dwell on it,” Roman said airily and kissed Virgil’s cheek and they headed over to the counter. Virgil let out a sigh of relief as they walked over to the benches with their pairs of skates.

“I haven’t been ice skating in a few years, so I’ll have to hold on to you,” Roman said flirtatiously with a cute wink. Virgil laughed at the ridiculousness of it all and shook his head while he laced his skates.

“I don’t think I’ve been in a little longer,” Virgil smarmed with a chuckle and tightened his last lace, standing up and offering his arm to Roman to pull himself up with. Virgil stiffened suddenly with a realization, now leaving Roman confused for a moment. “It was a pun. You told another pun,” Virgil accused, remembering the ‘putting him on ice’ comment.

“Patton has changed my opinion on them,” Roman said, looking slightly flustered. Virgil laughed breezily and Roman smiled and rolled his eyes affectionately. “Come on,” He said and they stepped out onto the ice.

Virgil’s legs only took a half-second to readjust, but Roman had been partially stumbling if he accidentally skated even a little farther away from Virgil than he probably intended.

“Careful, Princey, this is the least fun way to get a sore ass tomorrow,” Virgil chided as Roman skid again.

“Oh, like there are fun ways,” Roman said with a huff and he straightened and went back to skating gently alongside of Virgil again. Virgil just raised his eyebrow at him and smirked.

“I think that’s subjective,” Virgil said dismissively, but Roman didn’t miss his meaning and flushed a little.

“Don’t distract me!” Roman whined.

“You’re doing fine, it’s only been a few minutes. Give your ankles some time to get the picture. Maybe you laced up funny, do you want to pull off and check?” Virgil placated him and gave him a warm smile.

“Yes, I feel like my stupid feet are slipping without me!” Roman groaned as Virgil pulled them to the next exit.

“It is ice, Princey,” Virgil said with a laugh and helped Roman to a bench. Roman fiddled with his laces with a frustrated grunt. Once they were satisfactorily re-laced, they stepped back out into the rink, and Roman stayed perfectly upright with much less struggle this time.

“Oh my god, that’s so much better! I was starting to worry I’d regressed somehow!” Roman cheered with relief. Virgil smiled at him and shook his head affectionately.

“Yeah, Hecate forbid you actually be bad at something,” Virgil said sarcastically.

“I am good at everything, damnit,” Roman grunted when he slipped briefly, but not enough that Virgil had to help him at all. “Let’s speed up,” Roman said and lengthened his glide successfully. “Yes!” He cheered again after a few paces.

“Did you used to ice skate often?” Virgil asked as he watched Roman glide next to him.

“Kind of, mom just took me and Remus in the summers to cool down sometimes. She always complained that we got too riled up in the heat,” Roman explained.

“You seem to be pretty good, though,” Virgil said as they glided around the corners.

“I had to out-skate Remus, or he’d pull me down, even as teenagers,” Roman said bitterly. Virgil laughed and squeezed Roman’s arm affectionately.

“Sink or swim applies to frozen water, too, who knew,” Virgil said sardonically. Roman tried to punch Virgil but just ended up skidding slightly and causing Virgil to catch him. “Hey, save that for a time when you don’t have knives strapped to your feet,” Virgil chided.

“I’ll just have to keep a mental tally, then,” Roman said humorously. They skated quietly for a lap until Roman seemed to get more confident, and instead of latching arms, they separated far enough that they held hands and sped up to smooth pace.

“Sorry for thinking you were taking me to some kind of murder cult,” Virgil apologized. “You were right, I’m enjoying myself. Though, it helps that I’m here with a cute boy,” Virgil said with a smirk. Roman flushed briefly.

“I knew what I was getting into trying to surprise you. Maybe you can remember this instead of freaking out when we go to the next destination,” Roman said airily, looking smug.

“Or you could just tell me and we could skip me freaking out altogether,” Virgil offered a little sourly.

“That ruins the fun of it,” Roman said with a mischievous laugh, waving his free hand.

“I can believe you were a little bastard kid with your brother, now,” Virgil said tonelessly.

“Hey! That’s another tally,” Roman said with a laugh. “Did you skate much or is this just another one of those things?” Roman asked, skirting the immortal vampirism thing pretty well.

“I used to. It was more common, then. I can get around just fine,” Virgil replied with a small shrug.

“Show me something, then,” Roman said and released Virgil’s hand. Much to Virgil’s relief, he kept on skating relatively smoothly next to him with only a half-stumble.

“What kind of something? There’s a lot of gray area there,” Virgil said, skating alongside Roman.

“An Axel jump, maybe?” Roman supplied, making a little spinning motion with his fingers.

“I don’t know what that means,” Virgil said and furrowed his eyebrows. “How about in a language I speak?”

“How dare you be gay and not have watched Yuri On Ice,” Roman chastised him, pointing.

“I get it, I haven’t watched a lot of the TV you have,” Virgil said, rolling his eyes. “Just tell me what it is,” Virgil scowled in frustration.

“Or even the Olympics, really?” Roman criticized him. “It’s like a half spin and you land backward,” Roman explained with a hand motion to mimic what he was saying.

“I’m not a sports, guy, okay?” Virgil groaned. Human sports were boring. “Half-spin and land to skate backward?” Virgil repeated him, considering it. His first try was accidentally closer to full spin and a skid which Roman laughed at, but he managed to land nearly backward and skated facing Roman on the second try.

“Wow, I was sort of expecting a fail, not you actually pulling it off,” Roman said, half impressed and half bitterly.

“I’ve skated backward, I just don’t normally jump on ice,” Virgil offered. He steered carefully in front of Roman and slowed down to grab his hands and pull Roman along the ice. Roman smirked and rolled his eyes.

“Show off,” He beamed.

“That’s not showing off,” Virgil snarked at Roman. “You know I can do better,”

“I know no such thing,” Roman huffed and looked away playfully. Virgil took that opportunity to stop and let Roman run into him, where he grabbed him by the waist and lifted him over his head while he skated backward. Roman screeched in surprise, but it quickly morphed into a laugh and he straightened out in a pose.

“You’re holding me backwards!” Roman called out humorously. Virgil turned and skidded momentarily to skate forwards again. “That’s not what I mean, you dork!” Virgil laughed and slowed down to carefully lower Roman back onto the ice. Roman slipped, and Virgil ended up skating right into him and holding him off the ice.

“Whoops,” Virgil said and skidded to a halt towards the edge.

“That could have been extremely painful,” Roman said with a sigh of relief as Virgil place him down.

“Sorry,” Virgil apologized softly.

“It’s fine, Virge, no harm, no foul. I’m getting pretty cold, but you think you can maybe lift me again so I can face forwards? It always looked so fun on TV,” Roman asked.

“You just did that,” Virgil said in confusion.

“Looking at your butt and feeling the wind on my face are different joys in life, Virge,” Roman flirted slightly. “Please?” Virgil sighed. He didn’t hurt him after all. It probably wasn’t a big deal. Virgil shrugged off his leather jacket and dropped it over Roman’s shoulders, who slid it on.

“All right,” Virgil said and took Roman’s hand once he was done putting on Virgil’s coat and led him back out into the center of the ice.

“It’s going to look so cool,” Roman muttered and beamed at him. Virgil chuckled slightly and shook his head. Once they got back the momentum, Virgil pulled Roman’s hand to send him ahead and lift him as he curved around. It was a hard angle to pull off, honestly. Roman squealed with excitement and held out his arms as they skated around the rink. Virgil gained more speed and jumped into a spin and skidded back to skating forward. Roman shrieked joyously when he jumped. Virgil slowed to a full stop this time and dropped Roman to his shoulder and leaned back so he could place him down on the ice without flipping him.

“Satisfied?” Virgil asked with a smirk. He loved showing off to Roman, it made him feel very capable instead of his normal low-level fear.

“Very,” Roman smiled and kissed Virgil on the cheek. They took another lap around the edge of the rink hand-in-hand, Roman skating pretty confidently now, even if he slipped sometimes. They let go so they could speed up, and Virgil ran into a wall watching Roman make a turn that Virgil worried would be too fast. That amused Roman extremely, and he nearly fell over laughing at Virgil. Virgil was okay with it as long as he didn’t have to see Roman get hurt. Roman checked the fancy watch he was wearing.

“Come on, let’s go to the next destination,” Roman said and started towards the front desk after he stopped laughing. There was that normal fear level again. Ugh. Virgil skated after him to return the skates.

Virgil had unlocked his phone for Roman again so he could get another ride as they left the rink.

“Hey, why do you use rideshares over cabs?” Roman asked as he shrugged back off Virgil’s jacket in the hallway so Virgil could protect himself from the sun.

“Rideshares usually have poor people trying to make ends meet. Then I can give big tips where people need them most,” Virgil explained and slid his sunglasses out of his pocket and pulled up his hood. They locked arms again as they walked out to the entrance. The sun was setting now, which was a relief since he didn’t have any more sunscreen with him.

“Guerrilla charity, then?” Roman asked with amusement.

“It’s more guerrilla if they don’t know it’s me and I’m there and gone. Like social media donations,” Virgil said and stopped before where the last of the setting sun beaming through the window ended. “Any hints for me at all?”

“Nope,” Roman said and popped the ‘p’ at him, reaching into Virgil’s pocket and squeezing his hand. “Driver’s pulling up,” He said and lead him back outside. Virgil tapped his foot nervously in the rideshare but settled slightly when Roman leaned against him again. “It’s not that far, you big baby,” Roman nearly scolded Virgil.

“I don’t get much say in where my mind goes, Princey,” Virgil said sourly.

“I keep telling you to make an appointment with Emile,” Roman said. Virgil just rolled his eyes and watched the skyline darken out the window. Roman seemed confident, so Virgil tried his best to trust him. The rideshare pulled up to a hotel, of all places. Virgil shot Roman a quick look, but Roman just shrugged.

“Uhm,” Virgil wasn’t sure what to say or even think.

“Get your head out of the gutter,” Roman said with a brief laugh and they stepped out of the car and headed inside. Roman lead him past the front desk and through the lobby to the stairwell, huffing as he pulled open the door. “You’re lucky I like you because we’re going up 12 stories,” Roman grunted and took Virgil’s hand as he started towards the stairs.

“You can take the elevator without me,” Virgil mumbled, feeling embarrassed.

“It’s rude to abandon your date,” Roman said firmly and gave his hand a squeeze and they ascended. Roman was annoyed, but his mood didn’t really seem to drop much as they climbed. He certainly moaned and groaned plenty, though. Virgil chuckled inwardly at his stubbornness. Roman stopped to catch his breath when they had a few floors left, and checked his hair in his phone’s front camera during the break. Roman cheered as the climbed the final flight of stairs. “Finally!” He sighed with relief and held the door open for Virgil with a bow.

They stepped out onto a rooftop cafe with giant windows that let you overlook the surrounding area and plenty of plants and flowers. There was a pianist playing across the room and the place was generally very fancy. Roman and Virgil stepped up to the greeter’s podium and Roman produced Virgil’s credit card from his wallet.

“Reservation for Tempest, please,” Roman said cordially and showed the credit card. The server nodded after glancing at it and Roman pocketed it again.

“Right this way, gentleman,” He said, gathering two menus and leading them to their table. Roman and Virgil were seated at a candlelit table under a tree right at the window. Virgil could see for miles and took it all in. He looked around a little in awe as they sat down and the greeter backed away.

“The view isn’t the best thing going on tonight, either,” Roman said smugly. Virgil looked to Roman in confusion. “You’ll see in a little bit,” He offered as a server came with fresh bread for the table and took their drink orders from Roman. Virgil looked around again and listened to the piano player as he watched the cars flying past below them.

“So, you wanted the fancy restaurant, after all,” Virgil mused after a minute or so.

“Well, maybe, but I found this place while looking for somewhere you would like,” Roman said, slightly kicking Virgil’s foot under the table.

“Did you forget something very important?” Virgil asked with an eyebrow raised.

“No, I looked at reviews and took a gamble. The fact that I get a fancy dinner is simply a bonus,” Roman said with a smirk. A server came back with their drink orders, Roman getting water and a virgin mai tai, and Virgil getting his regular black coffee. The coffee smelled absolutely amazing. He took a sip and was in awe at the richness and complexity of flavour. “The coffee here is some special bean with some fancy brewing process for my least favourite coffee hipster,” Roman said smugly.

“You’re a damn genius,” Virgil muttered as he took another drink.

“You know it, baby,” Roman laughed lightly and sipped his own drink. Virgil held the cup and sighed contentedly. Roman placed his hand on the table for Virgil to take, but Virgil looked around in concern instead. “It’s not the 1800s, Virgil, you can hold a man’s hand in a restaurant,” Roman whispered. Virgil sighed and nodded, reaching out to take his hand. It wasn’t that much different from ice skating, but it was casual there. This couldn’t be interpreted as anything but affection. He wasn’t exactly used to this kind of thing. Virgil closed his eyes and listened to the piano player, focusing on the melody instead of letting his mind pull up all the bullshit he’d had to hide from in the past. When Virgil opened his eyes back up, Roman was smiling softly at him and enjoying some bread.

“It must be a little weird for you, huh?” Roman asked gently.

“It is. I can’t say I’m fully over it yet. Isn’t it weird for you?” Virgil asked in response. Roman had only recently come out of the closet, himself.

“I thought it would be weirder, but it’s much more natural than any girl’s hand I’ve ever held,” Roman replied sincerely. Virgil hummed in agreement and enjoyed some more coffee. A server came to take Roman’s order of beef wellington and Virgil ordered a carafe of the amazing coffee so he wouldn’t have to stop drinking.

Another cup of coffee and part of a beef wellington in, Virgil watched with interest as people with instruments filed onto a small stage with seats against the wall near the piano player. Roman looked over to see where he was looking and smiled, then went back to his dinner. It looked like a small orchestra. Virgil sipped his coffee and listened to the first peal of violins as they warmed up.

“You found me a live chamber orchestra to listen to?” Virgil asked curiously, feeling very flattered that Roman would go through all this effort for him.

“It’s a little better than that, Virgil,” Roman said. “Though this is the gamble part of the evening,” Roman said, a little less confidently.

“I thought the gamble was the coffee?” Virgil asked curiously.

“No, the reviews were pretty clear there. Plus it’s like a thirty dollar cup, it’s got to be good. The gamble was that this particular place hosts waltzes,” Roman explained a little nervously. “You waltzed with me back at the club, before… you know... I only learned how to waltz for a play, so I’m not the best, but I thought you might enjoy dancing to classical music instead of extra loud pop,” Roman explained, sounding hopeful.

“I… Princey, I don’t think I’ve waltzed in years,” Virgil whispered. “Thank you,” Virgil said softly and shrunk a little. Virgil loved waltzing, as out of date as it was now. He and Deceit would crash parties to waltz, it was basically the only social thing he liked doing at the time. He also was employed to play for waltzes, so they made up a few decades of this time. He had really fond memories of waltzes in general. Virgil looked up to Roman who was blushing pretty hard. Virgil reached out and squeezed Roman hand affectionately. “I’ll tell you the full story sometime. Don’t eat too much or I’ll twirl you sick,” Virgil said with a little chuckle and squeezed Roman’s hand. Roman smiled back, looking very pleased.

Virgil and Roman walked out onto the dance floor hand in hand along with a selection of the other patrons as the chamber orchestra started up Skater’s Waltz. Roman’s nervousness completely cleared up as they started to glide together across the floor. Roman beamed up at him as Virgil spun him on the floor. Virgil grinned back at him as he twirled back into his chest. They followed the vague pattern with the other patrons and Virgil enjoyed every second of the song together. At the end of the song when they bowed together, Roman looked up to Virgil a with a glint in his eyes.

“So, Virgil, will you be my boyfriend?” He panted and held Virgil’s hand, bowing his head to kiss Virgil’s knuckles.

“Of course, I will, you fucking extra idiot,” Virgil laughed quietly and pulled him in for a kiss proper kiss.

#tsss #sanders sides #tsss fanfiction #sanders sides fanfiction #tsss fanfic #ayri writes #plea for my new self

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