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candied-peach · 4 years

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ao3: “toy trucks” rating: T warnings: food mention, some remus typical stuff, age regression, sympathetic remus, sympathetic deceit, platonic intruality genre: fluff description: Patton didn’t know what he was getting into when he volunteered to watch Remus. (the patton story referenced in “how bad can i be?”)

"Are you sure?" Deceit asks doubtfully. Behind him, a regressed Remus sprawls out on the floor, coloring. A green pacifier is lodged firmly in his mouth, with an octopus printed on the front.

"Of course!" Patton says, his tone jovial. "I'd love to. I- I should get to know him better anyway, right? What better time? I watch Virgil all the time when he's regressed and it really helped us bond, I think!"

"Remus isn't like Virgil," Deceit points out. Patton cheerfully ignores the skepticism on Deceit's face.

"I know that," he says, with a little laugh. "But you can't deny I'm good at helping out!"

"Perhaps," Deceit says, heaving a sigh. "Fine. But only because Thomas needs me." He hesitates. "Call me if something goes wrong?"

"Sure," Patton easily agrees. Privately, he doubts that he'll ever need to call Deceit. Why should he? He'll be fantastic at this. What could go wrong? Look, Remus is even coloring away, just like Virgil likes to! He knows Remus is a little more rambunctious and regresses to an older age than Virgil does (Virgil's favorite things are coloring, watching cartoons, and cuddling until he inevitably falls asleep), but he's no slacker himself in the energy department.

"I'll be back as soon as I can," Deceit says, a frown twisting his mouth. "Don't let him watch anything you wouldn't let a kid in the real world see. He should only have edible snacks when he's regressed, his stomach can't handle his usual choice of consumables. Watch him. Don't take your eyes off him for a second."

"He'll be fine, Deceit!" Patton chirps. "Don't worry. Go help Thomas." He manages to eke out the last sentence with a minimum of fuss. It's hard even now to admit that Thomas does need Deceit, but he thinks he's been working on that quite well.

"Hey, little kraken," Deceit says, squatting on his heels. Remus looks up, still sucking on his pacifier. "I have to go help Thomas with something, okay? I'll be back as soon as I can. Patton has agreed to watch you, all right?"

"Want Lo Lo," Remus says sulkily around his pacifier. Deceit sighs, running gloved fingers through the grey streak in Remus's hair.

"I know," he says. "But Lo Lo has to help Thomas right now, too, I'm afraid. And your brother's away in the Imagination for the next day or two." Remus's bottom lip quivers. Deceit leans forward, planting a tiny kiss on Remus's forehead.

"It's just for a little while," he reassures Remus. The creative side looks utterly heartbroken and Patton's heart cracks a little at the sight.

"It's okay, Remus," Patton says, coming up next to Deceit. "We can have lots of fun while Deceit is helping Thomas."

"Really?" Remus asks, eyeing him doubtfully. Stung, Patton nods.

"Of course," he says, resolute.

"Watch him," Deceit repeats, yellow snake's eye boring into him. Then he sinks down, off to help Thomas with his new dilemma. A little shaken, Patton turns to Remus, who's resumed his coloring.

"So, what are you coloring?" Patton asks, with a cheery smile. Remus looks up and grins, revealing a gap in his teeth.

"Belle at the ball!" He exclaims. "But Belle got her arms ripped off by the Beast." Patton swallows hard, his face going pale.

What on earth have I gotten myself into? He thinks, struggling to summon up a word or two of praise for the regressed side in front of him.

Deceit had just left and Patton already couldn't wait for him to return.

"Wanna help?" Remus asks, proffering a red crayon. Patton swallows, his face going slightly pale at the thought of participating in even the crayon version of mutilating a Disney princess, and shakes his head.

"Sorry, kiddo, but I think you've got it down!" He says, hoping he still sounds cheerful. Remus's face droops for a second, before he turns back to his picture. Patton racks his brain for a distraction. Maybe toys? Does Remus like to play with toy cars or something?

"Do you want to watch cartoons?" He asks, seizing on one of Virgil's favorite activities. He doesn't think Remus would like the same shows, but hey, what does he know. Maybe Remus does like Sofia the First.

"Sure!" Remus says eagerly. "Wanna watch Billy and Mandy!"

"Does Deceit let you watch that?" Patton asks, skeptic. From what he remembers of the show, it's not exactly...appropriate. One of the characters is Death, for Pete's sake! But Remus is peeking up at him with bright glass green eyes and he finds himself sighing and agreeing, scrambling to find the remote and turn on the television.

As the episode plays, Patton gets more and more antsy. Surely this can't be good for him. There's an enormous alien brain creature going around and stealing everyone else's brains! Remus keeps looking up from his picture and giggling, especially at the end.

"Why don't we watch something else?" Patton suggests. Remus sticks out his bottom lip in a pout.

"Why?" He asks. "Are you scared?"

"No," Patton denies, although he has a strong feeling the alien brain is going to show up in his dreams that night. "It just doesn't seem appropriate, that's all."

"I'm not Virgil," Remus scowls. "I'm not a baby."

"Hey," Patton says, nettled. "Don't call Virgil that." Remus frowns in confusion.

"But he is," Remus says. Patton opens his mouth to rebut that, then closes it with an abrupt click. Virgil regresses to around toddler age, not a baby, but can he really explain that to Remus when he's regressed? Perhaps all children younger than he is fall into the "baby" category.

"Okay," Patton says aloud. "What about Octonauts? Have you ever seen that?" To his relief, Remus perks back up, grabbing a stuffed octopus from the floor next to him.

"Yeah!" He says, excited. "I like that show! There are octopuses! And squid!"

"There are," Patton agrees, relieved. He switches the channel, smiling as the familiar pastels of the underwater show fill the screen. This is much better, he reflects, looking at Remus's studiously bent head. There. He's not doing badly at this at all.

"Hey!" Remus blurts out. "Wanna see a picture I drew yesterday?"

"Sure," Patton agrees before properly understanding what Remus just asked. He starts to take it back, but Remus has already jumped up, dashing down the hallway toward his room. Minutes later, he hurtles back, an enormous sheet of paper flapping behind him.

"See?" Remus says, excited, as he spreads the paper out on the floor. Patton's mouth falls open when he sees it. Remus has drawn all of them together. Remus stands between Deceit and his brother, while Patton, Logan, and Virgil round out the line. But that isn't what makes Patton gasp, his hands flying to cover his mouth.

They all stand on a bed of skulls. Blood stained skulls.

"Remus, why on earth did you fill it with skulls? That's horrible!" flies out of his mouth before he can call it back. Remus jerks back, his eyes slowly filling with tears.

"I-" Patton swallows, trembling. "Remus, I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"

"Yes, you did," Remus says. His voice quivers, and Patton realizes just how young he really is when he's regressed. "Sorry I'm not like Ro Ro. Sorry I'm not good. You don't hafta watch me no more. I'll just stay in my room." He grabs his stuffed octopus and darts down the hallway again before Patton can grab him.

"Fuck," Patton says softly, with feeling. Guilt clogs his throat as he looks down at Remus's drawing. He leans closer, looking at the sides that Remus has so carefully drawn. Himself, in blue polo shirt and cat cardigan nestled across his shoulders. A big smile on his face. Smiles on everyone's faces, even Deceit's and Logan's.

He drew them all together, as one big happy fam-ILY, and Patton...

Patton swallows hard. Patton ruined it.

He starts down the hallway, his hands knotted by his sides. Remus's door is half open and he can see Remus curled up on his bed, shoulders shaking as he cries.

"Remus?" He says quietly. Remus's head jerks up and more guilt splinters through him when he sees the messy tear tracks down Remus's cheeks. "May I come in?"

"I don't care," Remus says, curling up tighter around his stuffed octopus.

"I'm sorry," Patton says. "I shouldn't have said that. Your drawing- it's amazing. You're a really good artist, Remus. It was really creative."

"Bad creative," Remus mumbles, face buried in the soft plush of his octopus.

"No," Patton softly contradicts. "You aren't. I never- I should have never done that to you. I know that an apology doesn't mean much if it isn't backed up by actions, but I am sorry, Remus. Please come back to the living room. I want to get to know you."

"I'm still not like Virgil," Remus says, uncoiling a little.

"I know," Patton says. "I don't want another Virgil. There already is one. I want to get to know Remus."

"Okay," Remus agrees quietly. He scrambles off the bed, shyly extending one hand when he reaches the doorway. Patton takes it, lacing their fingers together as he leads him back down the hallway.

"Can I have deodorant?" Remus asks hopefully. Patton laughs a little.

"Nice try, kiddo," he says. "Are goldfish okay?"

"Yeah," Remus says. "Patton?"

"Yes?" Patton asks. Remus smiles, revealing the gap in his teeth again.

"Thanks," he says.

tag list: @k9cat @paravigilant-virgil @croftergamer @airiervessel @bexxbeauty @did-he-just-hiss-at-me @ihateitwhenyourejustvague @matthindavick @killjoy-3000 @yalltookmyurlideas @littlestliu

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volturialice · 4 years

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Spork Haven chapter 23: salt fucking peter

welcome to spork haven, where I spork the EL James fic you’ve never heard of

previous chapter | next chapter | contents

previously on Spork Haven:

actor!Edward got an outlandish fucking award and became Best Actor!Edward! hotel maid murder witness cello prodigy orphaned ““cajun”” heiress!Bella was his date to the awards show! Ed looked into Emmett’s dark burning eyes and had a Moment! Bella felt dizzy and then went missing! will the Volturi mafia succeed in murdering her? let’s hope so stick around and find out!

warning: this chapter is incredibly long. please check the tags for content warnings—there are a lot! it’s eventful, though, so we’ll give it a pass. but settle in and make yourself comfortable. maybe go get a drink or something. I know I needed a drink after I read this garbage.

chapter 23 opens with Edward attempting to process the fact that Bella has disappeared. he does this in what I have to admit is a pretty seamless fusion of el james’s and stephenie meyer’s trademark styles (negative space here preserved for authenticity):

wow. eat your heart out, New Moon.

once we’ve experienced that bit of totally original typesetting magic, Edward leaps into action!

just kidding. he’s “totally fucking immobilized.” paralyzed with fear, he “stifles a sob” and toys with whether to “wail, scream, and tear his hair out with impotence”

luckily, he’s very good at giving himself pep talks:

this bracing self-administered kick in the pants unfreezes him, allowing him to summon the mental faculties to go get Emmett.

Emmett clears the ladies’ room and calls for backup. He and Edward search the restroom and are joined by a rando Local security guard as they discover—gasp!—a secret second exit to the bathroom (shoutout to the phoenix airport womens’ room, amirite?) leading into a service tunnel.

the Local security guard informs them that the tunnel leads to an alley, but the alley’s only exit is onto Hollywood Boulevard. you know, the street currently clogged with limos, paparazzi, cameras, and fans. idk about y’all but I’m starting to think this kidnap attempt may have been just a tad poorly conceived. why kidnap her at all? they had ample time to kill her, dump her body in the service tunnel, and make their escape unencumbered.

as Ed, Emmett, and Local race down the service tunnel, Emmett radios for Jasper to go around and cut the Bad Guys off in the alley. Edward is the slowest of the bunch

so he quickly falls behind the other two.

he’s trying to catch up when—wait! what’s that on the ground? something...sparkly?

that’s right: he pauses in chasing after Bella and her kidnapper in order to notice “six thousand dollars’ worth of earring” lying on the ground.

then he stops and picks it up.

now, I know what you’re thinking, guys—is he seriously stopping to pick up a lost earring when Bella’s life is in danger?—but keep in mind, these earrings were twelve thousand dollars. also, Edward loves earrings! they make him horny! what else is he supposed to suck on at Bella’s funeral?

I mean, yeah, if your worst fear was that Bella might lose an earring.

what indeed, Edward. what indeed.

imagine for a second that you’re Emmett in this fic. you’re a law enforcement professional racing to protect your charge’s life, bellowing into your walkie for backup, preparing to apprehend an armed and dangerous suspect in an area full of innocent civilians...when suddenly, from somewhere far behind you in the dingy gloom of the service tunnel, you hear the sniveling, British-accented voice of the bitchass manchild celebrity who’s tagging along:

“I’vE fOuNd hEr eArRiNg!”

jesus.

still ahead of Eddie boy, Emmett and Local burst out into the alley, guns drawn. Edward hears gunfire and is terrified for Bella as he finally catches up and arrives at the scene.

this is about where erika’s writing gets...incredibly confusing. and not in a POV, “we’re in the character’s head experiencing the chaos with him in real time” way. more like in a “several dozen drunk blind amputees playing Twister” way. this is my cute way of saying “it’s bad” and “I had to read it four times before it began to make sense.”

in the alley, all is chaos. a gun has just gone off

I’m sorry. salt...peter? saltpeter? did someone shoot off a Ye Olde Civil War Musket? I know fuckall about firearms and even I know they phased that shit out in the fucking 1880s.

and while we’re here, fun trivia fact about saltpeter: in Olden Times, people would ingest saltpeter in order to nuke their sex drives. silly Olden Times! if it’s a bonerkiller you’re after, all you have to do is read this fic!

ok, back to the alley. security are cordoning it off, keeping the “fucking jackal” paparazzi at bay (already?)

the LAPD are arriving (already??)

but perhaps most interestingly,

real quick before we get into whose body it is, why we’re sexually objectifying it, and what it’s oozing, I just wanna draw your attention to the construction of that sentence. the artistry, if you will. below, I have replaced some of the nouns so that we may all appreciate the sheer poetry of the syntax:

“there’s a fucking meatball lying prone on the floor, all covered with cheese, a dark cloud oozing under the meatball.”

sitting a few feet away from the Skirt & Heels Body™ is Jasper, cradling the unconscious Bella. you could be forgiven for thinking that first body (you know, the oozing one) was Bella’s, because that’s what the narration wants you to think. the effect is somehow both enhanced and ruined by the fact that Bella’s actual body is mentioned in the next sentence. erika really tried to have her suspense cake and eat it too, with the result that by the time I finished reading this paragraph, I had absolutely no idea how many bodies there were or who they belonged to, which ones had on a skirt and heels, which ones were oozing, and where.

another excerpt I should probably share is the paragraph where we describe Edward reacting to this tragic pietà.

here’s our text, raw and unedited:

I can’t even begin to list all the ways this paragraph makes me uncomfortable, so I won’t attempt to.

anyway. remember how in the last chapter, there was an incredibly gay bit where Edward looked into Emmett’s dark, burning eyes? fasten your seatbelts because we’re about to blow that bit out of the water.

ｌｕｍｉｎｏｕｓｈａｚｅｌｅｙｅｓ

filled with

𝓈𝑜𝓂𝑒 𝑒𝓂𝑜𝓉𝒾𝑜𝓃 𝐼 𝒹𝑜𝓃'𝓉 𝓌𝒶𝓃𝓉 𝓉𝑜 𝓃𝒶𝓂𝑒

the next sentence tries to take us back into heterosexual territory with

are we meant to understand that Jasper’s luminous hazel eyes are saying “don’t you just wish it was you getting to cradle Bella’s unconscious, injured body?” yes, that is exactly what we’re meant to understand. this attitude continues as Bella is loaded into an ambulance. at first, Jasper tries to stop Edward from coming, then the paramedic says they can both come but only if they sit on opposite sides of the ambulance like kindergarteners in Time Out.

l o n g i n g l y

the paramedics also checked the other body (you know, the oozing skirt and heels body) and Edward made a startling observation:

though oozing, the mystery person is still alive, and a second ambulance hauls off

and here I was thinking all this story needed to make it complete was some veiled transphobia! what a fun new direction for erika.

once at the hospital, Ed is banished to the waiting room with Emmett, Jasper, and Taylor. the doctors won’t let him see Bella, even when he tells them he’s her fiancé.

hmm. is it just me or is there a movie about this exact scenario?

yep, there are at least two movies about this exact scenario.

after the “fiancé” thing, Edward picks up on some bad vibes from Jasper

interesting. can you feel MY animosity hit you like a brick fucking wall? I guess it’s more of a brick fucking skyscraper at this point.

things we learn at the hospital:

Bella was roofied! so if you voted “poisoned” in the poll, I’m gonna give you this one. congrats on your victory.

Bella is fine now

Jasper shot the mysterious kidnapper in the chest.

that’s right, Jasper is the cause of all the oozing. well done, Jasper. good luminous hazel eye.

finally, Bella wakes up and asks to see Edward. He goes back to see her

and

she

dumps his ass.

not for any Sane People reasons, of course. having decided she’s “too dangerous to be around,” she breaks up with him in a scene straight out of New Moon, complete with “eyes full of tortured pain” and dialogue like

“You are too precious to me. Please. Go.”

Edward spends the whole scene in panicked denial, to the point where he’s practically gaslighting Bella, telling her she’s just been through a traumatic ordeal and she can’t possibly mean what she’s saying.

then he interrupts her mid-breakup

to fucking propose.

🤣🤣🤣 READ THE ROOM, BUDDY. Bella is resolute for the first time in her doormat life, turns down the proposal, and firmly breaks things off with Edward. he returns her earring (you remember, the six thousand dollar earring we paused in the middle of the climactic chase scene to pick up), “inhales her fragrant hair for the last time,” and leaves.

and with that, the chapter is FINALLY over.

possibility.mp3

best “fucks”

“level fucking head”

“a fucking microsecond”

“fucking sirens”

“loud fucking noises”

“enough fucking damage”

“a soothing fucking balm”

“fucking Hale”

“fucking purgatory” (the hospital waiting room)

“pale as fuck” (bella)

“fucking lifeless” (bella)

“non-believing fucking arse” (edward)

“like a fucking idiot” (edward)

best “shits”

next chapter: fucking blinds and curtains

#spork haven #twilight fanfiction #twilight revival #anti e.l. james #long post //#transphobia //#drugs //#guns //#injury //#blood //

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