Once upon a time, in Rufflechat, someone asked a pretty common and boring question. The question was if you could wear ballet flats in lolita fashion. This is a very common question and the thread normally would have a very low comment count. However, something different happened on this one.
Someone that I have always remembered as the Ballet Flat Spammer got involved. Everyone who did not have 100% support of ballet flats, in all situations, was responded to with the same copy-and-pasted comment, accusing that commenter of ableism.
Since there are many people who are disabled in the lolita community, this was met with responses such as, "I'm disabled, need to wear specific shoes because of my disability. Ballet flats are not the right choice for me for many coordinates. There are better lolita options than ballet flats, which can still fill the physical capabilities that ballet flats offer." The Ballet Flat Spammer, however, persisted.
And I watched some people who are not disabled (not yet disabled) have a very bad take on the whole situation. However, they also did not seem to know that this was a very bad take. The take was, generally, "it's okay to wear ballet flats, if you're disabled."
Over eleven years ago, I was diagnosed with pretty severe bipolar disorder. The medications that I'm on to control that have always had an impact on my body. While I quickly came to terms with this, and eventually got okay with the idea of having a psychiatric disability, I always considered my body to be mostly healthy. Over the past two years, however, I've had to reconsider that state several times. I've had to go from "Injured, but will heal," to "inoperable, but will be able to have a normal life," to "physically disabled, maybe one day won't be, maybe." Changing this part of how I think about myself has been more difficult than any of the actual pain and loss of ability that I've experienced.
Everyone's ability level is different. I can't speak for everyone, and I can't even begin to. But being able to say this about myself has really solidified something in my head that I had been thinking for a long time.
One of those things is that, "ballet flats are okay, but only if you need them for a disability," is absolutely ableist as fuck. It may not feel that way. After all, you're including the disabled people. You're making this more inclusive, right?
Here's where the problem sits: people who are disabled do not need people who are not disabled to make rules that apply only to disabled people. What disabled people need is for people who are not disabled to listen to disabled people when they say what they need.
Fashion and comfort have always had a complicated relationship. This relationship affects everyone, regardless of ability level. This goes back as far as fashion has existed. Every single person has a time where they say, "this is less comfortable, and I will still wear it," and times when they say, "this is too uncomfortable for me to wear." Many abled people make this decision based on what comfort level they want to feel, while many disabled people have to make this decision based on what they physically, mentally, or psychiatrically are capable of. Abled people often say they won't wear something in a certain situation, where disabled people often find that they can't wear it (possibly in any situation).
The problem is when we have to start making rules about the fashion that impact other people. And, with a fashion that is as rule-driven as lolita fashion, this does have to happen sometimes. We sometimes make rules that not everyone is comfortable with, and we sometimes make rules that not everyone can reach. Lolita fashion has never been the most affordable fashion (despite my best efforts), and it's never been the most comfortable fashion.
But here's the thing: disabled people who are involved in lolita fashion are people who want to wear lolita fashion. Someone who is in the body that is disabled is much more aware of what they want and what they need than anyone else can ever be. And they know what they need, and what they're able to do.
And this means that many disabled people will find creative ways to solve their problems and accommodate their disabilities. A lot of people who are disabled will come up with ways to make lolita fashion comfortable and safe that abled people could never come up with.
If you look at people on Closet of Frills or another coordinate-posting site, you're going to find many more "I love how you incorporated your cane/walker/braces/crutches/any other visible disability aid into your coordinate," than you'll find, "sorry but your coord is ruined by showing your disability." When you let disabled people incorporate, or hide, their disability, they're going to do it much more effectively than any person without that disability will be able to.
And that means that, "I wear ballet flats with this coord, because I'm disabled and need to," and "wearing ballet flats is okay if you're disabled," both demonstrate the same physical effect on the coordinate, but are so massively different in what they're actually saying about inclusion and ability.
Also, when you listen to people who are disabled, you often find solutions to problems that you have. Someone who can't wear heels finding cool lolita-usable shoes without heels will help you if you just find heels uncomfortable. You can learn from us. You can find that people who must solve a problem can have better solutions than people who kind of would like to solve the problem.
And for what it's worth, people who need to accommodate comfort or safety in their coords are not required to tell anyone that they're disabled, or about the accommodations that they have to make for that disability. Some people share it, and some people don't. If you want to be inclusive, one thing you can do is to provide concrit (when asked) as if you're critiquing someone who isn't visibly disabled. This gets back to the concept of letting disabled people tell you how to address their disability, instead of making assumptions about what they want. You can provide concrit on an outfit, instead of just commenting on the wearer's wheelchair. If someone says that they don't want concrit on an element of the coord, don't concrit it, even if you really like it or feel like it takes away from the look. This is a thing to respect even if you can't tell if a person is disabled or not.
So, when someone says, "I did this in my coord, to accommodate my disability," listen and learn from it. In all aspects of your life, supporting someone by listening to what they say they need provides more support than assuming that someone needs something. Respect that not everyone has the energy to hold your hand and guide you through every step, so you can use research and past judgement to help you be accommodating without needing a constant feedback from that person. Just be ready to change what you're doing based on what you've been told.
That was a really long way to say that it's ableist for a not disabled person to say that ballet flats are okay in lolita for the disabled to wear, but not ableist to respect a disabled person accommodating their disability by wearing ballet flats.
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This is not a "this kind of disabled person should kill themselves or their experiences with their disability warrants killing themselves" post. People with these illnesses and disabilities can and do live full beautiful lives and deserve to be able to enjoy themselves and live long lives.
This is an "if I gained these illnesses or disabilities because I have family history of them on top of my multiple illnesses and disabilities I likely would die very young without extremely extensive support that I do not and will never have access to and I'm complaining about that" post. That said.
If I get any of the following diseases or disabilities I will just fucking die, actually.
Diabetes
Cancer
Progressive endometriosis or pcos
Rheumatoid arthritis
Alzheimers disease or some other form of dementia
Chronns disease
Any type of non-fatal organ failure
Parkinsons disease
Muscular dystrophy of any kind (I experience atrophy but not dystrophy and I am able to regain muscle mass with a lot of time and work, something not possible for people suffering with most kinds of dystrophy)
Any form of substance abuse or addiction
High cholesterol
High blood pressure
Low blood pressure
Hypo or hyperthyroidism
Any type of seizure disorder
That is all thank you.
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