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#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.
opens-up-4-nobody
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24 days
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#it's an old frustration. an old pattern of thought.
#i just feel that i have a brain that doesn't hold information. that lacks the discipline to gain knowledge. that is incapable of deeper
#thought. and i cant teel you how maddening that is. to sit in a room and listen to other people discuss a paper you read in depth 5 times
#like it's the 1st time you ever heard anything about it. how is that possible? how do i work with that? i read and nothing sticks.
#nothing stays with me. how??? i was talking to a prof recently who ive heard is hard on her students with disability accommodation. and she
#was saying how she doesnt see these things as a disability. how we're just different not disabled. ive heard the phrase differently abled
#a lot of times. and i get what she's saying. i do. ad i get why she's hard on them. she wants to push them. but there comes a point where
#you are quote unquote differently abled and you run into a wall that other people dont have. then what are you supposed to do? work harder?
#but what if that doesn't help? what if that just compounds the hurt that's always been there? what if that leaches away all the wonder? what
#then? at what point does a thing become too much of a barrier? i think there's a reason i dont run into many other dyslexic grad student.
#everyone has adhd. it's a place where those with adhd prosper. but dyslexia not so much. at least not with the level of hanicap i have
#and everyone's really nice. they want to help. but there's nothing anyone can do for me at this stage. it's up to me to compensate for my
#leaky head. and i kno im not stupid. ive got a piece of paper stating my iq is above average after correcting for uneven intelligence. but
#i dont feel very smart most of the time. i feel more like my uncorrected iq score that comes out at just below average even with me trying
#my very best. iq is bullshit but there's something to be said for that gap. im smart if unconstrained by language and time. but were bound
#by language and we're bound by time so what am i supposed to do? is there anything i can do? im stuck with this forever. theres no getting
#better or making it easier. my brain is wired in a way that gives me the reading skills of a child. forever. and i just have to accept that
#and im trying to swallow around that idea easier because the only other option is to choke on it. but maybe i chose the wrong career path.
#one of my lab mates said she wants challenges all the time and ive chosen a path that's challenges all the time but im jsut trying to do
#what everyone else can without a second thought. it's deeply demoralizing. yet here i am. trying to be easier abt it.
#maybe im just nit cut out for this. doing a job im not built for.
#unrelated
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