#anybody else with unrealistic ambitions?
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To Sail Beyond the Sunset ft. Sidney Crosby | Prologue
A/N: Aaaaaand here we go again! Thank you so much for the positive feedback on my Nate story; I hope you enjoy this one just as much! Let me know what you think!
TW: slight mentions of body issues/unrealistic body expectations; unhealthy eating habits.
Everyone always said that ballet came as naturally to June Brooks as hockey did to Sidney Crosby, but both knew people were wrong. Sure, a natural gift was part of it, as was talent, but Sidney and June knew it took a lot more than that. It took ambition. Perseverance. Knowing when to push yourself. Using your strengths and challenging your weaknesses so they weren’t weaknesses anymore.
Most of all, it took each other.
Sidney Crosby never forgot the day that June Brooks moved into a basement apartment down the street from his house. He was four at the time, and it was probably one of his earliest memories. He remembered riding his bike on the sidewalk as his mom walked behind him, and having to stop because a girl was drawing on the sidewalk with a big box of chalk. She looked up at him as he came to a screeching halt.
1991.
“Who are you?” June asked the boy staring down at her from his bike. He had similar colour hair and gaps in between his teeth just like her.
“I’m Sidney,” he answered, looking between the chalk flower and the girl. “What’s your name?”
“I’m Juniper, but you can call me June.”
Sidney looked at the raised bungalow – one that looked similar to his house – and back at the girl again. “Is this your house?”
“No. Me and my mommy live in the basement,” she said.
“I shoot hockey pucks in my basement,” Sidney said, confused. “You live in the basement?”
June nodded her head. “What are pucks?”
“Siiiidneeeyyy!” he heard his mom call out from behind them. He looked behind him to see her waving him down. From the shadows on the sidewalk, he could see June waving back at her. “Sid, who’s your friend?”
From that point onwards, Sidney and June became inseparable. Inseparable. Wherever one went, the other wasn’t too far behind. They were in the same kindergarten class. They were in the same lunch group. They played together at recess. They’d be at the same activity stations in their kindergarten room – painting, reading, toys – and always sat beside each other during circle time. Sidney would glare at other kids who took June’s spot until they moved. Sid helped June navigate how to use scissors. June helped Sidney learn how to hold a pencil properly. June taught Sid how to print forward-facing Ss when spelling his name. Sid taught June how to print lower-case Es.
Their teachers noticed. Their parents noticed. Well, every parent noticed. “There go Sid and June,” they’d say to each other as Sidney and June would hold hands for safety (at the behest of their teacher – every kindergartener had the buddy system, and of course June and Sid were buddies) as they exited the school doors until they saw Trina waiting to pick them up.
One day, Sidney thought it would be a great idea to invite June over on the weekend so they could play hockey. He thought she’d love it. She could shoot pucks into his dryer, just like he did. He could teach her how to hold a stick and everything. They could do it for hours.
1991.
“My mom will even make us grilled cheese sandwiches!” Sidney offered, trying to entice her to say yes.
“I can’t,” June was sad she had to say no. She loved grilled cheese sandwiches. “I have ballet.”
Sidney had to clue what ballet was. His entire life was hockey, and he couldn’t fathom anybody doing anything else. “What’s that?”
“It’s dancing,” June explained. “We wear pink and put our hair in a bun and we dance to music! One day we’ll be able to dance on our tippy-toes.”
It sounded a lot less fun than hockey, but if June liked it, Sidney knew there must be something to it. But it still wasn’t hockey.
The pair got older and moved on to senior kindergarten. They were still inseparable. Trina would still come pick them up after school and they’d still eat grilled cheese sandwiches together. Sidney saw more of Miss Hockley, June’s mom. She scared him a little bit. She wasn’t as nice as his mom. She didn’t give a lot of hugs, not like his mom. Miss Hockley’s eyes looked a lot meaner than his mom’s. And she was always telling June what she couldn’t do because of ballet. You can’t play hockey with Sidney. You can’t go skating with Sidney. You can’t go watch hockey at Sidney’s house because you have to practice your dance. You can’t keep eating all those grilled cheese sandwiches. Nobody wants a fat ballerina.
***
Sidney Crosby touched down at Halifax International Airport after his latest playoff loss to the New York Islanders. He was pissed off. It was the New York fucking Islanders, for heaven’s sake. Besides, it didn’t matter that he had three Stanley Cups; he was still hungry, still wanted to win at every opportunity. When he didn’t accomplish that, it upset him. Most people would say that he’d won everything there was to win, and they were right – but that didn’t matter. He wanted to win more, to do it all over again, win three more Cups, a Conn Smythe, and two more Olympic golds. Hell, he probably still had another Golden Goal in him.
Right?
Regardless of how he felt internally about being ousted in the playoffs much earlier than he liked, being back in Halifax brought him a type of solace only Halifax could bring. The city, the people – he loved everything about it. And regardless of how long he’d lived abroad for, Halifax was, and would always be considered, home.
He checked through customs, with the officer spending a bit too long looking over his passport when he realized yes, this is the real Sidney Patrick Crosby standing there trying to get back into his home country. The firearms question at least cracked him up this time: “Do you have any firearms with you, Mr. Crosby, besides that backhand?” It was good to be home.
Sidney drove straight to his house on Shubenacadie Grand Lake first, mostly to drop off his suitcases. But then, he got right back in his car and drove back into the city, purposely missing the highway exit for Cole Harbour so he could go right into Halifax. He took out the fob he knew was in his glove compartment and pressed the button to open the garage door. He parked in his usual spot. He used the fob again to gain access to the building, and rode the elevator all the way to the top floor.
He knocked the only pattern he ever used. He didn’t have to wait long for the door to open.
When he saw June on the other side, she had a shocked look on her face, like she wasn’t expecting him home so early. She was wearing a black hoodie and her trusted Lululemon leggings, her big, obnoxiously furry slippers on her feet. “Sid!” she screamed out.
“Hey Junebug,” he smiled, the sound of her voice so happy and surprised like music to his ears.
“You’re home early,” she commented as she reached around his shoulders for a hug. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, not wanting to let go anytime soon. She’d only been able to make it out to see him twice this year, when she usually came so much more. But her work had gotten busier – many more promising students. She’d had to stay back.
“You know me. I can’t stay out of Halifax for too long,” he said.
Sidney didn’t even need to ask to come in. June had stepped back a few steps while they were hugging to bring him into the apartment, and he’d closed the door with his foot. When they finally released their hug, he noticed that June was still smiling ear to ear. “When did you get back?”
“Just now, actually. I just dropped off my suitcases at the house and then came over here.”
“You want some hot chocolate?”
“It’s May, Junebug.”
“Has that ever stopped you before?” she quipped, making her way towards her kitchen. “I’ll even make it with milk. Or how about grilled cheese?”
Sidney couldn’t help but smile. “I’d rather have grilled cheese than hot chocolate.”
June didn’t say another word. She opened her fridge and grabbed the bread, butter, and cheese before putting everything on the counter and getting a frying pan out of a drawer. Sidney walked towards the giant windows that looked out over Peace and Friendship Park, the Canadian Museum of Immigration at Pier 21, and the Halifax harbourfront. He noticed that an old episode of Hell’s Kitchen was playing on TV. Soon, he heard the sizzle of butter to hot pan, and the unmistakable smell of grilled cheese filling the room.
He walked over to the kitchen, standing beside June. “Smells delicious, as always.”
June smiled too. “Still not as good as Trina’s, though,” she winked playfully.
Sidney smiled his infamous smile, feeling overwhelmed with warmth.
He was home.
#sidney crosby#sidney crosby imagine#sidney crosby fic#sidney crosby fan fic#pittsburgh penguins#pittsburgh penguins imagine#pittsburgh penguins fic#pittsburgh penguins fan fic#sidney crosby blurb#pittsburgh penguins blurb#nhl#nhl imagine#nhl fic#nhl fan fic#nhl blurb#hockey#hockey imagine#hockey fic#hockey fan fic#hockey blurb#to sail beyond the sunset series
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The Noonien-Singh Family (ST:TOS & ST:SNW)
So the fact that Lt. La'an Noonien-Singh, the Enterprise's security officer, is a descendant of Khan Noonien-Singh, one of the brutal dictators that were overthrown in the Eugenics Wars, always raised the question, "But were his augments inheritable?" Is she, technically, what the bullies on the playground called her, an augment?
And I want to be bluntly clear about something here: Khan, and his fellow augments, had their DNA hand-selected by their parents, but I know of no canon or even soft-canon source that says that it was non-human or artificial DNA. I read the clues as suggesting that the particular augmentation package that his parents chose selected for intelligence, ambition, and ruthlessness at the expense, however intentional, of conscience or empathy.
So there's a follow-up question to that that's been on my mind literally since I first saw "Space Seed" in UHF reruns as a kid 50ish years ago, something that seemed obvious to me if no one else.
So what if the augments' parents deliberately gave birth to highly capable sociopaths? It's not like Earth didn't already have plenty of naturally-born highly capable sociopaths.
How much of the augments' rise to power, in the years before World War III, had to do with the fact that they were bright, high-functioning sociopaths? And how much of it had to do with the fact that their parents were wealthy enough to have access to the procedure? Or politically powerful enough? Or both? Did, in fact, the augmentations actually do anything?
So we find out in this episode that La'an Noonien Singh fears that she may have inherited, from one of her many ancestors, gene complexes predisposing her to sociopathic tendencies. At that remove, there's no reason to assume so. There's also no reason to rule out the possible that she, or Pike, or M'benga, or Chapel, or Uhura, or anybody else on the ship could have inherited those same naturally-occurring gene complexes. At this many generations removed from the Eugenics Wars, are her odds actually that much higher?
High on the list of reasons that the augmentation ban is such serious horseshit (not bad writing, not unrealistic, but legitimately a horseshit fact about the Federation) is that "do you have sociopathic ancestors?" is not a relevant question. The question is are you a sociopath?
Acting governor Kodos of Rigel Minor, "Kodos the Executioner," was a sociopath, and he was Starfleet. John Gill, who recruited the pre-warp people of Ekos to straight-up Nazism was clearly a sociopath, and he was a Starfleet Academy instructor. Neither of them had the excuse of having an augmented ancestor.
You know who hasn't shown any evidence yet of sociopathic tendencies, just brusque manners? La'an Noonien-Singh. And, yes, Una Chin-Riley.
(And by the way, even if being augmented had more to do with their rise to power than their inherited wealth and position, all that would prove is that augmenting humans is a bad idea, that humans can't be trusted with unsupervised access to genetic engineering. It wouldn't prove anything about whether or not the Illyrians could be trusted with it, now, would it?)
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I want to offer a different perspective: Eggman loving Sage doesn't make him any less of a cruel evil monster. Plenty of REAL-LIFE dictators, terrorists, mob bosses, and other horribly cruel men had friends or family who they cared about - despite ruthlessly murdering anyone who stood in the way of their ambitions. Even if Eggman's #1 Dad now, he's still the guy who's willing to nuke cities, use sentient aliens as literal fuel, and try as hard as he can to end Sonic's miserable existence.
Yeah I know. I've even made sure to emphasize that point with my Casino AU Eggman, who actually does have the ability to genuinely care and love people in rare exceptions, but he also does many terrible crimes and is still very much a monster for the things he'll do. I actually can find the concept interesting, for a character to seem nice and loving and caring towards one person but a cold, heartless, murderous bastard to others. I can love it, even.
But that Eggman is alternate universe one for a reason, with it being one of the biggest differences with game canon Eggman. The reason I chose it and it works for Casino Egg is because I created him that way, so it makes more sense when he does. But game canon Eggman clearly wasn't, he's described as without a thought for anyone else, only does things with what's in it for him in mind, and he's deeply egotistical and selfish, it's his whole thing.
When selfishness and self centeredness is a powerful core trait that shows in everything he does, it makes him seem much too stubborn and unable for that development to ever work. I just can't feel that anybody could ever talk him into it/change him, let alone come to that conclusion on his own. It's not an impactful change because of how unrealistic and wrong it feels. Character development shouldn't erase such important core aspects like that.
After 30+ years with no blatant hinting towards it, it feels incredibly sudden and forced because they've made it obvious for so long that the selfishness and self centeredness runs deep in everything he does. It's one of the main reasons why he's evil and wants to take over the world. He wasn't shown to have the empathy to give a damn about anyone, in fact quite the opposite. Leaving it that long trying to suddenly change it decades later doesn't make sense.
It feels far too contradictory towards so many things he's said and done that all come to mind when I see what they've tried to turn him into and what he's always been. Yes, the point of character development can be to change things about them so it can do that but not every type of change works for every character. It feels wrong for Eggman because not only was he not designed to have that ability but they also didn't try to give it to him for decades.
I wouldn't care so much about him being some kind of a father figure if it was accurate. I still can't imagine the dynamic would be anything other than toxic because he doesn't have the care to be a good one when he's self centered and lacks empathy, or just something casual like when he calls himself Metal's dad in comics but it's casual and not presented as something seriously deep, sincere, and pure that makes him feel like a completely different person.
And with how often Eggman's evil is downplayed by fans already and he's woobified and changed heavily in fanon too to allow for cutesy stuff, I just know this is going to have another very harmful impact on his credibility for evil. It's going to make it even harder to emphasize to people how evil he is and the horrible things he's done without someone using it as a reason he's not so bad because it's always ignored and disregarded for cute stuff.
I wish it was only subtle in the story but when they act like it's some huge plot thing here he randomly suddenly genuinely cares for a creation after he's treated them so poorly for so long without a single care is weird and out of place. It feels like a lazy way to try to add sad dramatic plot point without caring about whether it suits the character at all or respect important core traits that make him who he is that they kept so faithful to for so long.
Had it been done in the right way that feels believable with the right actions and words, either with the more toxic dynamic or more casual one that isn't treated as some huge sincere thing, then I wouldn't be so upset. The best kind of character development and exploration is respecting key traits and working with them instead of taking them away- it gives it more impact and sense and takes more skill than something that feels forced and nonsensical.
Yes, some horrible people can care about someone else that much but Eggman has been far too much of an evil selfish self centered bastard lacking empathy and the ability to think or care about anyone else for too long for it to reasonably change now. Especially not when it's established as an important core trait that makes him who he is and gives reason for what he does. I just don't feel the change works like that with him in particular and it contradicts all he does and feels in a very bad way.
Also I know there's no way of telling yet but I'm kind of worried about whether they'll even keep writing him as evil as ever and keep treating him like the same guy that's done all those terrible catastrophic evil and destructive things in the games. I feel like I shouldn't get my hopes up and shouldn't be surprised if he's not treated as the big threat he's supposed to be when so many people favor the nice cute stuff over it. I'm just really worried about the impact this night have on everything else which makes me even more unhappy with it.
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Plain Spoken - or Plain Thought
Dear Caroline:
I see nothing objectionable in this change of yours, which is more than I can say for some of the others of your Bay Area changes. On the face of it, it seems just a very Rationalist move to 'seeing things as they really are', and this for me is a quasi-religion. In fact, one of my main qualms with Rationalists is that they need to frame truth-appreciation with utilitarian trappings. Sure, knowing what is actually true, and what what we'd like it to be true, is more useful for achieving your purposes and surviving, but that's like the lamest argument ever in favor of truth. Truth is an absolute value and an end in itself, with complete independence of how happy or useful it turns out to be. This is a matter of axioms (and therefore, of taste), but unlike other unrealistic thought experiments that are conjured against utilitarianism, I think this one really has a point, as very well exemplified by Nozick's Experience machine.
From the examples you give, the issues don't seem to stem from strong attachment to truth without varnish, though, but rather from you being conversationally blunt about this.
[side note: I think I've just discovered your alter ego in Aerb, in the chapter I've just finished of Worth the Candle: Lisianthus Penndraig! You share the hair, the glasses, the bookish nerdyness, the ambition, and definitely the six standard deviations in intelligence. I hope nothing bad happens to her]
Going through your examples, what seems missing from the first is a judgmental attitude towards yourself. Perhaps the communicational issue was that you didn't clarify enough that your prejudice was a bias, i.e., something to be overcome (the overcoming part is the really important one from a social justice pov). I presume your friend wasn't a rationalist, and took the dispassionate tone and lack of self-flagellation as endorsement of the prejudice?
The second and the forth seem to be about non-judgmental attitudes towards others - in this case, fictional characters. I find some difficulty understanding your friends here -perhaps there is a generational, millennial narcissistic gap at play-, as the most interesting characters in fiction are always the troubled ones. Perhaps there is an issue of empathy, and putting yourself in the shoes of a show's main character. Personally, I can empathize well enough with imperfect people (all the more so if their imperfections remind me of my own, though); in fact, I feel I tend to empathize too much with fictional characters, and all the more so when they are transmitted to me through words (and this is probably one of the reasons why I developed such a strong liking and sympathy towards you after reading your tumblr).
The third example is perhaps the most interesting of this lot, as I feel both you and your friend are saying perfectly reasonable things that are both true. I mean, what you were saying, in the context, does feel like dumb and impractical, even it is also 'a joyfully authentic expression of feeling', and likely to be constructed as 'I don't want to be doing this activity at all', which does not seem to be case - more like you giving away thoughts and emotions with no other intention than that (and therefore talking about the truth of what you were feeling, rather than as a criticism or a call to a specific action).
In fact, the impression I get here is that all these things are more about you being, perhaps, a little bit disagreeable with blunt statements-of-thought-and-fact, which would probably go against the grain of 'Trad Caroline' and what you might expect of her (basically, the uber-agreeableness of a person who goes out of her way to make everybody like her) . While this is not orthogonal to 'seeing and describing the world as it is', to me it has rather more of a whiff of Sam's 'I don't really give a damn about anybody else', which is on the other way of the spectrum and the first step in the path to evil. Here be dragons.
Quote:
I looked at her and tried to quietly re-evaluate her. Maybe it was the glasses, but I had marked her as a bookish nerd, probably not too much younger or older than I was, and almost certainly human.
Alexander Wales, “Worth the Candle”
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whisper of the heart; a brain dump
stayed up late to rewatch whisper of the heart and yes i am feeling the consequences of not prioritizing sleep but i have so much love for this film and i dont think i can put all my thoughts and feelings about it into words
ghibli always manages to tell incredible stories about ordinary protagonists who have very common human experiences that most people can relate to in some way or another. thinking of kiki's delivery service - while kiki does possess witch powers that nobody else in the town has, the internal conflict she has is just so common. she loses confidence in the thing that differentiated her from the other characters. it's the skill that always came to her naturally her entire life until the day all of the stress and all of her doubts caught up to her.
in whisper of the heart, shizuku is just an ordinary girl. when she meets seiji, who knows exactly what he wants to do in life, she realizes that she wants to have a goal in her own life to work towards partly because she admires seiji's ambition and partly because she fears not being impressive or interesting enough to be around him. the feeling that you're falling behind as the people you admire and care about continue to do great things on their own trajectories is such a common thing and it was captured so well in this movie.
there's a quote i really like: "wanting isn't enough. i have to learn more." shizuku's main focus after seiji left was to complete the challenge she had set for herself, which was to finish writing her story before seiji returns. however, after she completes it, she realizes that it was never that simple. anybody can want something, want to achieve something, want to be something or someone, but the desire alone is not enough to carry a person to their end goal. it's like trying to boil a pot of water with a tea candle. this was so impactful to me because i daydream a lot about the life i want and I tend to be a bit unrealistic and naive about how much work i have to put in in order to actually turn that goal into reality.
OH another quote is from shizuku's dad when they're discussing her education and future: "it's not easy when you walk your own road. you've only have yourself to blame." o em gee i had to pause and reflect
i will ALWAYS recommend this movie when the topic of ghibli comes up. it hits especially close to home for artists, writers, musicians, etc. just anybody who has struggled with finding where their passion really lies. the movie as a whole is really heartwarming and comforting,, i havent watched it as many times as some other ghibli films but it's a fav for sure
some other things in the movie that were too real:
shizuku's messy desk
unintentionally neglecting other responsibilities and distancing from family when you're too caught up in your own thoughts and goals
being critical of your work, often underestimating its quality and impact
live laugh concrete roads
#and i could NEVER forget the animation and art#and the soundtrack of course#some truly beautiful shots in this film#whisper of the heart#studio ghibli#ghibli#hayao miyazaki#kiki's delivery service#doobli woobli#some thoughts
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whatever our souls are made of (his and mine are the same), pt. 2
Hi!
Welcome back to the second one-shot in this collection.
I hope you guys like it!
You can also read it here.
See you guys tomorrow!
to be (the man in your heart)
Prompt: fantasy vs reality
Summary: Everybody sees Ichigo the way they want to see him. But only Rukia sees him whole.
“Today we’re going to talk about the hero’s journey,” the professor drawls out one cloudy August morning, ignorant of the blank stares and yawning coming from his students. He probably thinks he’s being engaging enough, completely unaware that he has already lost his students.
Even Ichigo feels lost before the introduction.
He would probably have paid more attention if he hadn’t felt so drowsy.
Then again, it’s barely eight am on a Friday.
And he doesn’t know precisely why, but lately it has been hard to focus on anything more than a couple of minutes. He hopes this doesn’t get reflected on his grades though. He doesn’t need a repeat of his less than stellar grades the last year and a half of high school.
He can’t help but curse himself for choosing to attend an early morning class.
Although it’s not like it is entirely his fault.
By all means, this class was supposed to be engaging. Or at least Ichigo had been excited to take it when he had enrolled in a course about folktales, particularly Western ones. The purpose of this class is not only to study tales from European cultures, but to analyze them according to different approaches and literary theories. As someone majoring in English Literature, this class had seemed essential and Ichigo had not hesitated to take it. Now he realizes it is less about the folktales and more about the theory of what makes something a story.
Which is not really what he had wanted to study. But… can’t do anything about it now.
There have been only two other classes, as it is the beginning of the semester. They haven’t really done much so far, but today, they are apparently starting with the basics. This means they are studying the monomyth, also known as the hero’s journey, a way to categorize stories featuring heroes. Because in most folktales, heroes are the protagonists of stories, and everyone else is just someone there to help the hero or to oppose them.
(Ichigo hates this idea)
“But before we start, can anybody tell me what a hero is?” The professor asks, interrupting his lecture and startling his sleepy students.
Have we mentioned that Ichigo hates heroes?
It is definitely too early in the morning to think in general, much less about such a contrived term. But yet, here he is. In this class he himself had chosen to take. Past Ichigo had been such an idiot, huh?
Before he can continue down this line, a girl suddenly raises her hand, distracting him from his musings.
“Yes, Yamada-san?” The professor calls her.
“A hero is the person who saves the day in a story.” She obediently recites, as if she had memorized her answer before saying it out loud.
Ichigo can’t help but roll his eyes at her.
But of course the goody-two-shoes of the class would give the most basic of definitions.
Because that is the only thing heroes are good for.
Saving the day, as if that was their purpose, their whole life, who they are.
Saviors.
(Ichigo hates this idea)
“Yes, in very broad terms, you’re correct, Yamada-san.” The professor says in such a dismissing way that stops Yamada from preening any further. “However, what is the essence of a hero? What makes him any different to other characters?” He asks again, prompting his students to elaborate more on their answers.
Another student raises his hand.
“That he’s the protagonist of the tale.”
“Right, Uehara-san. He or she is the protagonist in most stories. But that is just a characteristic within the story. What I am asking is what makes a hero, well, the hero? What is it that makes a person act heroic?”
Ichigo cannot help but snort.
In hindsight, maybe he shouldn’t have, because that makes the teacher focus all his attention on him.
“Ah. Kurosaki-san, do you know the answer to the question?” The professor seems to ask almost mockingly.
Ichigo bits his lip.
Because, try as he might to hide it, he knows what is it the professor is asking, probably better than anyone in the room, even the professor himself.
“Selflessness.” He replies at length. “A willingness to sacrifice everything just to protect someone else.”
The professor excitedly moves his head up and down. “Yes! Thank you, Kurosaki-san. The reason heroes are saviors is because they are selfless!”
And he continues on with his lecture, talking about heroes, villains, monsters and damsels in distress, but Ichigo is no longer paying attention.
Ichigo hates heroes.
Well, not heroes per se, but the idea of them.
Selfless and protective and smart and charismatic and just plain good.
They don’t seem human.
There are human qualities in them, of course, but there is also something entirely unrealistic about them.
Because nobody is perfectly good all the time.
Where are the bad qualities?
Where’s the ugly in heroes?
He cannot find it.
Which is why Ichigo prefers the protagonists of tragedies.
None of Shakespeare’s heroes are ever, well heroic. Not even in comedies.
There is always something beautifully damaged about all of them.
A tragic flaw, it is called.
That singular defect which unleashes the tragedy.
You might say that it is that which ends up biting them in the ass.
For Othello, it was his jealousy.
For Macbeth, his ambition.
For Hamlet, his inaction.
And for Ichigo, it is his own weakness.
Because that is what, in fact, almost destroyed not only his world, but the entire universe as every being knows it.
Nobody blames him, of course, because in his reality, he is the hero of the story. And he hates it. Every part of it. How he can become blameless of everything even when he had caused it or had failed to stop it.
And he doesn’t think of himself as such.
A hero, that is.
Though everyone sees him this way, from his sisters in all of their innocence, to his friends, to the whole Soul Society.
Why do they keep praising him when they had almost died because of him?
Why do they hail him as a hero when the danger is not over, when, if he even dares to be happy, that demon of a man is going to come back to destroy them all?
Ichigo doesn’t get it.
Heroes don’t really exist in real life.
And the heroes in all stories have to be perfect, or else how are they even good?
It’s a load of shit.
Ichigo is not a hero, as he protects people out of his own selfishness.
Because, deep down, he doesn’t want to feel alone.
Because he wants all of his loved ones to be safe and happy.
And that’s it.
That’s the reason.
But others don’t see it that way.
They see him exactly as all the heroes in tales.
All good and strong and able to overcome anything that gets in his way without giving up.
A prince charming.
A guardian angel.
But he’s just...not any of those things.
And he’s done trying to live up to their expectations.
It was easier when he was fifteen, to go along with whatever they wanted him to be.
So he acted happy when around his sisters and father, even though he was still carrying all the weight of the guilt of his mother’s death.
It seemed easier, back then, to try to appear unaffected by that and all the little things, like the bullying he had suffered due to his hair color.
And at school, he had tried to be just another guy who just happened to have brightly colored hair.
His friends knew this Ichigo. And not to say he was a phony, but he wasn’t all himself either.
He never showed them the scars scattered all around his soul for fear they would leave him behind.
Because who could ever love someone as hideous as he?
(Someone who had caused his own mother’s death)
But t had gotten better for a while.
When he had become a Shinigami and had known the strength of carrying a zanpakutō and all that comes with that power.
However, he had just as quickly learned that such power came with the responsibility of not just protecting his loved ones, but anyone, really.
That he couldn’t just stand still while others needed his help.
He needed to do better.
And so, he had tried really hard to become the kind of person that was deserving of that power.
Ichigo had become so good at it that others had bought it, especially after his first true test.
What had followed had been months and months of trying to prove he was as heroic as others saw him.
Because not only did the Soul Society see him as one, but also his closest friends, who, even though had seen him fall, still thought of him as a savior.
And that weighted on him even more.
He started wondering if, after so many battles fought together, they saw the true Ichigo or the mask he wore.
It was only after the last war, when he had so utterly failed and they had still given him praise, that he had found the answer.
Chad and Inoue and Renji and, hell, even Byakuya, lived in a fantasy where he was always strong and would power through everything. That he truly never failed.
Even Ishida was sometimes guilty of that.
(After Yhwach was defeated, saying he had won, as if it hadn’t been Ishida who had done him in)
They all congratulated him, patted him on the back, and happily resumed their lives because Ichigo had won again. He had defeated yet another villain and thus they could live their lives in peace.
But all he had wanted to do was scream.
He had been defeated over and over by the Quincy King, and the only reason he wasn’t a threat anymore was because Ishida had been there to deliver the final blow. And even then, absolutely no one was sure if he was gone for good.
And the reason why was because Ichigo had been weak.
If he had had true strength, he would have been able to win for sure.
And this doubt wouldn’t be eating him away.
Now every night, before going to bed, even two years after the war had been won, Ichigo still repeats Yhwach’s threat like a broken record.
During his happiest moment, the Quincy King will come back to kill him and destroy everything, according to his plan.
The thought terrifies him.
To think he had failed them all, because at any moment, Yhwach might come back, and it will be it for the universe.
He’s no hero.
No savior.
Because even if the Soul Society hasn’t said so, he knows they are all still in danger, and it all depends on his happiness.
And Ichigo is selfish.
He could have sacrificed that promise of happiness for everybody’s sake. Yet he still holds onto it and is unwilling to let go.
He’s not the person they all expected him to be.
And that weighs on him.
(If only he was as heroic as his mother─)
“Hey, Ichigo! Welcome back!”
It is Rukia who distracts him from his dark thoughts as he opens his bedroom door and finds her already there, having come over for the weekend as she has done for the past few months.
And for the first time in the day, he smiles.
“Hey.” He greets her, letting his bag drop on the floor, and joining her on his bed.
“How was university today? What did you learn?” Rukia asks him excitedly, and he can’t stop his lips from quirking up at how adorable she is, wanting to learn about college through him.
“Kinda boring.” He shrugs, content to just observe her as she raises an eyebrow at him.
“Why? What did you study?”
“We talked about heroes.” He answers her, moving up his head to appreciate the way her skin glows in this lighting.
“Heroes?” She scrunches her nose like a bunny.
“Yeah. Like in tales and stuff.”
“Oh right.”
Then they fall into a comfortable silence as they are wont to do. Ichigo takes his time to delight himself in the image she delivers. And as she is all light and white and pureness, he remembers a piece of memory he keeps close at heart ─the one and only time he has felt like a true hero.
There’s fire and a will and a promise.
And in the midst of all, there’s Rukia and her big doe eyes staring right at him as if he were a miracle.
“Yo!”
I remember now… the reason why I wanted to save you so much.
“Hey, Rukia.” He suddenly calls out to her.
“Yeah?”
“Do you think I’m a hero?”
She snorts and flicks his forehead. “Nope.”
“Hey!” He rubs his assaulted head, but is more intrigued by her answer.
“I mean… we could say you are… but you’re more… you know…” She gesticulates towards him.
“Uhu.”
“You’re Ichigo.” Rukia says at last.
He thinks he understands it then.
Because if there is one person in this world that has seen him at his best and worst and has still got him, is Rukia.
She is the only one to have ever seen him whole.
And even when she knows about all his failings, she still has the capability to hold him in high esteem.
Because for her, Ichigo is who he is and so much more.
“Thanks, Rukia.” He says with more emotion than he probably should have, but it is worth it when she beams at him.
“That’s my line.”
Ichigo still hates heroes.
Probably will always do.
But for Rukia, he thinks he might be able to become a little bit more heroic.
To be less selfish.
To be the man he is in her heart.
To be a little more like she is.
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Before I Met You | Five
Updates: Sundays, 8 PM EST
Pairing: NCT (Jaehyun, Lucas…) X Reader/OC
Genre: Romance, Angst, Coming of Age
Summary: Four. There were four people before I fell in love with you… Here are their stories.
Before I Met You Masterlist
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Seulgi, Soo Young, Lucas, Yang Yang, and I are all crowded around Seulgi’s open trunk after school. I lean against the side of the car, listening to them discuss a music artist I had never heard of. I wasn’t sure how to participate in the conversation and remained quiet, eyes wandering to each person as they spoke. My gaze stops on Lucas when I realize his body is pointed in my direction. He’s wearing his reflective sunglasses; they prevent me from seeing where he’s actually looking. I shamelessly stare at him for several more moments, trying to determine what he is paying attention to before he suddenly starts speaking to me.
“So did you get any scholarships from UCLA?” he asks.
“Hm? Oh, I’m not going there.”
“You’re not?”
I shake my head and don’t say anything further. The rest of the group ceases their previous conversation and the surroundings became eerily quiet. After a moment, he raises his eyebrows, realization hitting him.
“You got into Berkeley?”
“Yeah.”
“Wow!” Seulgi interjects. “I really admire you, Y/N.”
I give her a small smile, internally questioning the authenticity of her statement. Though, I quickly push the thoughts to the side, opting to take them at surface level and nothing more.
“That’s great, Y/N!” Lucas says with a warm smile.
I was happy; Stanford is where I was aiming to go, but if not Stanford (which was extremely unlikely any way you put it), then Berkeley would have been fantastic. In essence, Berkeley was my first choice.
The Friday night before Spring Break, Taeyeon and I were communicating via text, incessantly refreshing the page for application decisions, only to be met with loading errors. We had both been accepted to UCLA and considered the idea of being roommates in college. My first choice was Berkeley because it was closer to home and if Taeyeon got in, at least I would know one person who went there. I liked her and since we didn’t know each other that well, this would be a good time to become better friends.
I was browsing various social media platforms, looking for any sign that other people had received their admission decisions. To my amusement, I was met with a wall of comments saying essentially the same thing: I know I’m not going to get in so can you just give me my rejection letter now?
Since refreshing the page only increased my anxiety, I decided to take a shower, figuring that the decisions would be released while I occupied my time with something else. Upon finishing, my phone had exploded with messages.
Hana [6:18 PM] I didn’t get into Berkeley
Taeyeon [6:22 PM] I GOT IN!!!!
Hana [6:45 PM] Y/N, are you okay??
Me to Hana [6:54 PM] Yeah? Why wouldn’t I be okay?
Me to Taeyeon [6:55 PM] CONGRATULATIONS! OMG I NEED TO CHECK!
Hana [6:56 PM] You didn’t reply so I thought you didn’t get in and were really sad
Me to Hana [6:58 PM] Oh I actually haven’t checked! Let me check right now!
I ran out of the bathroom and logged onto the admissions page. Within five seconds, I let out a yelp of triumph.
Congratulations! I am delighted to offer you admission to the University of California, Berkeley for the fall 2015 semester!
Every time I looked at Lucas, I was incredibly confused and, quite frankly, somewhat disappointed. He was spending all of this time with me, but wouldn’t do or say anything. Each moment we were together felt like there was something unspoken between the two of us. There technically was, as the night of Winter Ball remained an untouched topic – like a secret we both tucked away that was only meant for us. We both knew it happened, but didn’t explicitly know how the other felt about it; it was the purgatory of knowing you liked each other, but both being too afraid to openly say anything.
Truthfully, it was a hopeless endeavor that would likely turn out to be fruitless. We only had another month together before graduation. Yes, we had the summer too. But then what? What’s the likelihood that anything would have lasted past that? I was moving to another state for the next four years. I suppose I could have a summer fling before then – that wouldn’t be such a bad idea.
Why did I even like him so much? He was attractive and… well, that’s basically it. He was nice to me, but nice only gets you so far. Obviously, he had demonstrated himself to be irresponsible. Yeah, we had similar music tastes and he would share his fries with me whenever I asked. But what did I even know about him? His name is Lucas and he’s half Chinese, half Thai. He likes video games, going to the gym, and eating food. He hopes to become a doctor, but doesn’t currently have the work ethic to get there. All of the things I can list are generic – things you can slap on an ‘About Me’ page and no one would question them because they can easily apply to anyone. While that was a good start and I could definitely ask questions about those things, would I be able to talk to him? Really, really talk to him. Ask him about his dreams, his hopes, his insecurities and secrets he hasn’t told anyone, including Seulgi. Do we have the same amount of ambition? If I thought about it, I wasn’t so sure.
“Do you think we want to go the little pond to take pictures before going to prom?” Hana asks me after school.
Prom is two days; it’s the last moment of celebration before we start three straight weeks of testing for senior year exams.
“Yeah, we can do that. I –”
“Come here, Y/N.”
I turn my head suddenly, my feet instinctively taking me to the boy who called over to me from his car, my thoughts with Hana left unfinished. I lean down to rest my arms on Lucas’s open window and Hana follows, standing just next to me. Sicheng is sitting in the passenger’s seat of Lucas’s car; both of them smile at me.
He presses a button on his stereo. “Listen!”
Loser 외톨이 센 척하는 겁쟁이
I smile, immediately recognizing the lyrics to the latest BIGBANG release I had texted to Lucas.
“Taeyang is so good in this song, but G-Dragon is my bias,” he says.
Since when is G-Dragon your bias? I told you he was my bias last week right after you told me Taeyang was yours.
I raise an eyebrow for a split second before slowly nodding in agreement, murmuring a quick, “Mine too!”
We remain silent for a moment, enjoying the song until he asks me a question that pulls me back into the state of confusion that I’m always in whenever I’m around him.
“Who are you going with to prom?”
Why the hell do you even care who I go with?
“Um, just with some friends.”
“Who?”
Why do we have to be so specific? I’m sure you can guess who. You know who I’m friends with.
“Uh, Hana, Doyoung, Taeyeon, and Seungwan.”
Sicheng nods slightly, but Lucas doesn’t say a thing. He keeps his gaze focused on his steering wheel, moving his lips ever so slightly as if he’s contemplating something.
“So, yeah…” I say, breaking the unbearable silence.
“Sounds fun, Y/N,” says Sicheng.
“All right, well, I gotta take Sicheng to get his haircut. So I’ll see you later,” Lucas says suddenly.
“See ya.”
Hana and I step away from his car and watch them drive off.
“Why does he act like that around you?” asks Hana.
I furrow my brow. “Like what?”
“Like… he wants to say something, but doesn’t. There’s a weird tension between the two of you.”
“So you noticed it too.” I sigh. “I wish I knew.”
I remember reading something once. It was along the lines of, “If someone likes you, you’ll know. And if you’re left confused all the time, then you’ll know what that means too.” I didn’t want to believe it. But as time went on, the rational part of me told me that what I read may have been right. Get out. He’s an idiot. You deserve so much more. You deserve someone who isn’t going to continue falling for this dumb girl clinging onto him, manipulating him, pulling him back in every time he wants to stray away.
But what’s the harm in this? It’s not like I saw myself marrying him. I just wanted to go out with him for a while, go on dates for the first time, experience my first kiss – all rites of passage that I would remember many years later, but would remain just that. As memories.
Prom. The moment of your high school career. We go to school for four years for it to culminate with this dance that’s depicted in the movies as “the night of all nights.” I remember when I was twelve and watched these movies that created my perfect ideal for what high school would look like. I thought I’d get a boyfriend and have my first kiss at sixteen, fall in love for the first time, go to prom and take those nice photos that couples do with some picturesque water scene in the background. And guess what? None of that happened! Still haven’t dated anybody, still haven’t kissed anybody, still haven’t fallen in love, and definitely did not have a date to take photos with in front of the picturesque water scene.
Now that I think about it, that’s a bit unrealistic. But I was twelve. I can dream.
Tonight’s goal, I had decided, was to have fun. And maybe have another dance with Lucas. Dinner was at an American restaurant that was kind enough to give us free ice cream to “help us celebrate whatever we were celebrating.” This was followed by pictures in front of small pond near our school.
I guess I take that back; I at least get to have pictures taken with a picturesque water scene in the background.
As expected, Doyoung and Taeyeon agreed to go together as a “couple.” The rest of the girls in our group were going stag. Seungwan brought along her friend, Jieun. So in our photos, it was Doyoung surrounded by five girls. He joked that he looked like a pimp.
“Hey, Y/N?” Seungwan walks up to me while the other four are trying to take pictures with some of the geese near the pond. She creases her forehead and purses her lips. “Does Doyoung like Taeyeon?”
I look up from my phone and raise an eyebrow, feigning curiosity. “Um, I don’t know. I know they’re good friends… but I don’t know about anything else.”
“Oh… He doesn’t tell you who he likes?”
“No,” I say. “Other than he has unusual taste in women.”
Considering they’re not women at all.
“You want to take a picture together?” I ask, attempting to take her mind off of something that, unfortunately, could never be. She just didn’t know.
“Hey! Y/N! Seungwan! Let’s get going! The doors open in ten minutes!” Doyoung calls.
Okay, why the hell do you keep following us?
Goeun, another student in our class, ran into us at the entrance. She was quiet and rarely spoke in class. Unfortunately, when she did speak, she had a habit of being arrogant – making a point to talk about how far she was on our lengthier assignments. To her disappointment, everyone would stop paying attention before she could finish her sentence. I felt bad for her sometimes, so I tried to listen and at least make a comment. But if I had to be honest, it’s difficult to carry on a conversation with her. After she realized that everyone else had stopped paying attention, she would turn around and remain silent. Perhaps the blow from the lack of attention from everyone else couldn’t be overridden by one person giving a half-assed attempt. I wouldn’t blame her.
However, since we’ve arrived, she hasn’t stopped following us and she keeps trying to stand next to me. I’m not particularly fond of being followed without my permission, as a general rule, but she’s also wearing nearly the same dress as I am. The upper bodice has a different cut, but the rest of it is the same – same color, same style. This is really shallow, but I don’t know why you would intentionally try to stand next to someone who was wearing the same thing. No one likes having the same dress as anybody else – that’s why there’s a dress registry at the store. Wasn’t that part of the song in High School Musical 3?
“Why does Goeun keep following us?” Hana whispers to me.
I shrug. “I don’t know. I don’t think she actually greeted us either. She just latched on and I didn’t realize she was following us until we walked into the foyer outside the gym to get drinks.”
“Oh, I thought she was friends with you…”
“No, she’s in my Korean class and I’ve said a handful of things to her, but that’s it.”
“It’s kind of annoying.”
“I know…”
“Hey, who’s that?”
I follow her line of sight to see Lucas walking in with his group, a girl in purple latched onto his arm. Yuna.
“Is that his date?” she asks.
“I guess so.”
“I’m still mad that he didn’t ask you.”
“Hey!” Doyoung calls, walking back to us from the drink stand. “Let’s go back inside!”
Hana and I follow Doyoung into the gym. I look over to the back table where Lucas and his friends are and internally chastise myself for the thought.
“Want to go say ‘hi’?” I ask Hana.
“Sure.”
What are you thinking?
Oh that’s right. You’re not.
“Hey, Y/N,” says Kibum.
I smile. “Hey.”
“Uh, you look nice.”
“Thanks! You too!”
We stand there, an awkward silence between us as we exchange uncomfortable smiles. I flip around to end the anguish and am met with Lucas’s back.
Should I tap him on the shoulder…?
Fortunately, my thoughts are interrupted when Lucas turns around.
“Y/N!” He extends his arms out and I walk over and wrap my arms around him.
Stupid, stupid, stupid.
“Hey! Good to see you,” I say, taking a step back to look at him.
He smiles and I see his eyes looking up and down my figure. “You look really nice.”
My face grows warm. “Thank you!”
Ugh! You still react this way around him!
“Y/N!!” Seulgi calls, throwing her arms around me. I stumble backwards.
“Oh!” I return her hug, feeling dazed. “Seulgi!”
She puts her hands on my shoulders, pulling back to look at me. “You look amazing, Y/N!”
Kind of her to say, but I wonder if she did that on purpose.
“Thanks! I like your dress!”
“Aww!” she coos. “Thanks!”
She pulls away from me and walks over to someone else. Hana comes over to me and we’re left standing by ourselves.
“He looked really happy to see you.”
I sigh. “This is confusing.”
For the next hour, Doyoung, Taeyeon, Hana, Seungwan, Jieun, and I try dancing to the awful playlist the Prom Committee had procured. One of us would lament every other song just how terrible all the songs were. But even with this distraction, my stupid eyes would wander, watching Lucas and Yuna dance together. They look like they they’re having fun. I can’t help but feel a bit envious.
She’s so lucky. She gets to hold his hand. She gets to dance with him.
But then, when our principal stops the dance to crown the King and Queen, it’s complete déjà vu. Only this time, I’m not alone in my observation. Hana and I stand at the back of the dance floor, watching as all of the nominees walk down the aisle towards the stage.
Don’t look at him.
“We are now going to have our Prom King and Queen start off our first slow dance of the night!”
I look at Lucas, waiting for him to grab Yuna’s hand to dance with her.
Only, he doesn’t.
He doesn’t do that at all.
Lucas runs off, pausing at the edge of the dance floor, frantically looking left and right, but mostly in the direction of the table I had placed my belongings.
What is he doing? Who is he looking for? Seulgi?
Me?
“What is he looking for?” Hana asks.
He’s looking over at my table… Maybe he is looking for me.
My brow furrows. “I don’t know…” I look back over to where Yuna is standing.
Why did he just leave his date there?
Turning back to Lucas, his shoulders raise and fall with a heavy sigh. He turns around, apparently unable to find whoever he was looking for. He gets up on his toes, looking over the crowd of people before making a gesture with his hand, signaling for someone to come over to him. Yuna walks out of the crowd, grabbing onto his arm as soon as she reaches him. As he heads back to his table, he turns his head and our eyes lock. Déjà vu settles in again for a brief moment before he looks away and continues walking to his table.
“He totally just looked at you,” Hana says.
He’s not going to dance with her?
When they arrive at their table, he sits down first, and then motions for her to sit down in the chair next to his. Only, it appears that she misunderstood because she takes a seat on his lap instead. A sudden pang a jealousy courses through my chest, causing me to look away.
“Why didn’t he dance with her?” Hana asks. “He surely couldn’t have been looking for Seulgi – she’s back over there, where Lucas’s date was.” She looks at me. “Do you think he was looking for you?”
“I’m slightly biased in this situation so part of me hopes that is the case, so if he wasn’t, why was he looking at our table?”
Boys are confusing. This whole thing is confusing. If Lucas was so adamant on dancing with Seulgi during Winter Ball, why did he seem so careless about slow dancing with his date at prom? It’s a courtesy – and really, an expectation – to dance with your date. Normally, the implication of asking someone to be your date is that you like them. The movies always show the girl wanting to go with the popular douche-bag who ends up asking them to go to the dance, but then humiliates them by ditching them and dancing with someone else. Maybe I should stop basing my logic on movies, but anyway, even ignoring all of the movies, why wouldn’t you want to dance with the person you asked? Yeah, dancing together during all of the upbeat and party songs is one thing, but not wanting to do the slow dance? There are so few slow songs at school dances – that’s why people always anticipate them because they want that chance of intimacy with their partner.
As the night ends, our group decides to stand off to the side to get some air. We ended up sitting out on most of the dance after the King and Queen were crowned because of the even poorer choices of music. Doyoung and Taeyeon expressed that they had grown bored – a sentiment we were all feeling, and collectively, we were thinking we would leave early.
“Hang on,” I say as I start walking to the back table. “I want to go say goodbye to a couple people.”
You idiot. You wouldn’t be saying ‘goodbye’ to anyone if it wasn’t for Lucas. He’s the only person you even want to say ‘goodbye’ to! You stupid, desperate –
“Y/N?”
I turn my head and Kibum is standing by their table. He looks down at my side, seeing my purse held in hand and asks, “Are you leaving?”
“Yeah.” I smile. “It was nice seeing you.”
“Y/N, you’re leaving?”
Lucas suddenly appears next to me and my smile fades as I nod. There’s a sinking feeling in my chest – one of disappointment at the relatively uneventful evening, realizing that I would be graduating in a month and that this was one of the last moments I would have with him.
“Uh, yeah.”
It takes him a moment to process what I said, but when he does, he extends his arm out and looks at me, silently asking for a hug goodbye. I run into his embrace, burying my head into his chest as I feel his arm tighten around my waist, like he doesn’t want to let me go. And suddenly I’m brought back to Winter Ball yet again. I can smell his cologne and feel his warmth, forgetting about any possible onlookers who would care to judge. But within seconds, I feel like I’m being slapped in the face. The deejay calls for the last dance of the night and “Wanted” starts playing over the speakers.
“Lucas?” Yuna grabs onto his arm and when I pull back to see who has called for his attention, I am met with her facial expression that feigns innocence. She pouts. “Aren’t you going to dance with me?”
Our arms are still around each other when I look up at him. He keeps his gaze on me and I swear I can sense a feeling of longing; it’s in his eyes. I drop both of my arms to my side and try to step away, but he only grips me tighter.
“Lucas?” she calls again.
I look up at him and smile, taking my hand and lightly pushing his waist to tell him he can let go. “It’s all right.”
It’s really not all right, but it’s rude if you don’t dance with her at least once. She is your date. I wouldn’t like it very much if I were her. If you wanted to dance with me, you should’ve asked me.
His expression is serious and he holds me for a moment more before letting me go. Yuna tugs on his sleeve, attempting to pull him away. He keeps his gaze on me for few seconds before sighing and turning to lead Yuna onto the dance floor.
I chuckle to myself. Y/N, you have the worst taste in boys.
The following Monday, end-of-year exams were starting. As I drive into the school’s parking lot, I see Lucas’s car. We had a three-hour delay due to testing, but because I had an exam, I had to be here early. I didn’t know why Lucas was even at school so early because he didn’t have any exams today. I figured that he had driven here early to meet up with some friends for breakfast. But as soon as I park my car, I realize that that is definitely not the case. He’s staring at me when I look out my window. I quickly turn away, my heart racing as I remember the incident from over the weekend.
I had been scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, browsing through everyone’s prom photos. Lucas had posted a collage containing three photos of his entire group and a larger photo of him and Yuna.
“Hey, Dad, you wanna see Lucas’s photos?”
I handed him my phone and he looked at the photo. “Why did he choose a gray suit?”
“I don’t know.”
“She’s all right, nothing special. He looks nice though.”
He handed me back my phone and upon looking at the screen, my eyes shot out of my head. My dad had accidentally hit the ‘Like’ button.
“Oh shit!” I exclaimed, quickly un-liking the photo and silently praying that Lucas wasn’t quick to check his notifications.
Maybe he didn’t see it! That’s totally possible! Snap out of it! You have a physics exam in an hour! Who cares about some stupid photo?
I grab my things to head inside to do some last minute cramming before my physics exam. As I open the door, I see Lucas get out of his car. Unfortunately, a sudden gust of wind blows one of my sheets of paper towards the back of my car. I quickly run over to pick it up and when I stand back up again, Lucas is walking in my direction. He’s staring at me and his eyes narrow, like he’s studying me. I gape at him.
He knows, he knows. Kill me. Just kill me now.
He looks away and says, “Hey.”
“Hi.”
Yeah, he definitely knows.
“You know what I like?”
I turn around and look at Juhyun. “What?”
“You,” she says.
Our history exam was in a couple hours and Doyoung and I had decided to skip our English class and sit in our history class while we crammed so that we could ask our teacher any last minute questions. Coincidentally, this was Lucas’s history class.
The desks in the classroom were arranged in groups of two. Doyoung sat at the pair of desks in front of me and Juhyun sat in the ones behind me. I sit sideways in my chair and lean against the wall while reading about the Cold War.
I chuckle. “Oh, thanks. How sweet of you.”
Occasionally, I glance up to where Lucas is sitting diagonally from me. After responding to Juhyun, I catch Lucas looking at me from my periphery. When I turn to look at him, I realize that he looks frustrated.
Maybe he’ll come over here. I kind of wish he would come over here, but he’ll probably sit with Juhyun since they are friends. Actually, now that I think about it, I think they used to like each other.
He continues to sit there for a moment, staring ahead before he decides to get up and throw something away. I try to focus again on my reading when an earbud is shoved into my face. When I look up, Lucas is standing in front of me, his face expressionless. I raise a brow and hesitantly take the earbud from his hand.
“I’m going to sit here…” he murmurs as he sits down at the desk next to me.
I really need to stop wishing on things that I hope will happen because I don’t actually know how to react when they do happen.
“I found this really cool song by Jonghyun,” he says. “It’s called ‘Symptoms.’”
My face breaks out into a wide smile. “Oh! I love ‘Symptoms’!”
It’s disappointing really that the only things we can talk about are K-Pop and college. When I try to think about other things to discuss, I can’t think of anything.
“Are you thinking about going to the K-pop convention in LA?” I ask.
“I’m not really sure. It’s kind of expensive.”
This is obviously a shot in the dark, but going together would be nice. We’d have to get down to Southern California and since it’s a multi-day thing, we would have to get a hotel room. And I suppose to be cost-effective, we would get one hotel room. Maybe we could have a fling for a few days…
Lucas and I continue listening to music. He tells me to pick all of the songs from his music library until he recommends ‘Inspiring’ by Taeil.
“It’s such a pretty song, Y/N. It reminds me of y–”
My forehead creases, waiting for him to finish his sentence. “Reminds you of what?”
He shakes his head. “Nothing.”
After our history teacher finishes her lesson with Lucas’s class, she starts playing YouTube videos.
“What the f –”
I turn to look at Lucas just as he stops himself from swearing. “What the heck? That’s stupid.”
Lucas is known for having a loose mouth, swear words being a normal part of his everyday vocabulary. I swear a lot mentally, but I don’t use it in regular conversation. It seems that he has picked up on that and has adjusted his behavior accordingly.
The remainder of the school year was filled with moments like this. Lucas would come up to me at random times and we would spend time alone while being surrounded by others. What was interesting was that they would never interrupt us. We could enjoy each other’s presence, listening to music, with him occasionally making strange comments like he was trying to confess but wasn’t confident enough to fully commit. Graduation was literally right around the corner – do you want to continue playing this game where ultimately, we both lose because both of us can no longer play?
You act differently around me. Yet, you won’t say anything. Why?
I’m quite confident that you like me, but we’re running out of time.
So what’s stopping you?
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50 Films You’ve Got to Watch
Hi to anyone who’s reading,
I thought I’d take a break from the fashion posts to ramble on about something else that I’m really interested in for a hot minute. And I say ramble with intent, because I do go ON.
The topic is film and I thought that I’d make a list of my 50 must watches. These are movies that I feel had the biggest impact on me which means, yes, I do have tattoos referring to a couple of them, lol. My genre of choice is usually horror and although there has been a bit of a “horror renaissance” and a shift towards prioritising good quality storylines over jump scares in recent years, on the whole, they typically aren’t the most highbrow films out there, so there aren’t THAT many on this list. Most of the horror films I listed are just genuinely good quality rather than a straight-up gorefest or anything too terrifying, however, I’m not that easily scared so if you did fancy watching any of the films I mentioned, take that with a slight pinch of salt!
Also, this isn’t anything to take too seriously. I really like movies and cinema but I’m also not a movie critic and this is more of a hobby than something I want to pursue. Like, I’m completely aware of how unrealistic working in TV or film is as a career if your family isn’t loaded. Very aware. Painfully aware you could say (imagine me sighing as I’m writing this). That being said, part of me does want to do a ranking of every film I’ve seen in 2019 at some point this year, so if anybody else is interested in this kinda thing let me know!
Lauren x
50 Films You’ve Got to Watch:
1. Black Swan (2010)
“I felt it. Perfect. It was perfect.”
I watched Black Swan years ago now and I still remember how disturbing I found it and how exciting that was to me. I was probably a bit too young (young enough that my mum felt it necessary to cover my eyes during the Natalie Portman/Mila Kunis sex scene, lol) but even then I could recognise that it was a beautifully haunting film and Darren Aronofsky has gone on to be one of my favourite directors.
2. Jennifer’s Body (2009)
“And now, I'm eating your boyfriend. See? At least I'm consistent.”
Engrave it on my tombstone: JENNIFER’S BODY DESERVED BETTER. I fully believe that if this movie was released in 2019, it wouldn’t have faced half the criticisms it did back in 2009. It genuinely was ahead of its time. Megan Fox? As a boy-eating, demonic cheerleader? And Amanda Seyfried? Some of the most ICONIC DIALOGUE EVER? It should’ve invented a GENRE. Instead it got paid DUST. Yes, when I write in caps lock, my internal voice is YELLING. I feel passionately about this, okay?!
3. La La Land (2016)
“I guess I'll see you in the movies.”
Again, maybe it’s a basic film bitch opinion to have but I adored La La Land. I saw it at the cinema and spent the last 20 minutes of the film sobbing, only to find my mum and sister distinctly underwhelmed. I indignantly ranted back then to them how perfect a film it was and I’m going to do the same thing now so if you are reading and you didn’t like it, then you should probably just move on because I wouldn’t want to read myself banging on about Emma Stone again for several paragraphs either (don’t worry, I’ll try and keep it to one). I can’t help it. This film was just TOO REAL! Like, in every way but the actual plot and characters, La La Land has the dreamlike quality of a fairytale. The colours are rich and thick and always complimentary, the musical sequences are either like Disney songs or lullabies, and Emma and Ryan Gosling are made for each other. But then life and ambitions and resentments get in the way. And that’s the real part! That’s why it’s so bloody good!
4. Easy A (2010)
“People thought I was a dirty skank? Fine. I’d be the dirtiest skank they’d ever seen.”
And so we arrive at the movie that actually began my love affair with Emma Stone. Iconic. Iconic in every way. The bad reputation montage is cinematic excellence. For real, though, this is so underrated as a coming of age movie. Like don’t get me wrong, Mean Girls is everything (I easily could’ve included it on this list but I feel like it’s just a given that anyone who grew up in the noughties loves that film) but Easy A deserves just as much credit. It has Penn Badgley, one of the few celebrity males I care about! Amanda Bynes! Aly Michalka! Lisa Kudrow! Did I mention Emma Stone?
5. Kill Bill (2003)
“Now, if any of you sons of bitches got anything else to say, now's the fucking time!”
If I had to put any of these films as my singular favourite, it would probably be the first Kill Bill. Controversial, I know; even my dad introduced it to me as the weaker of the two. To list any Quentin Tarantino movie as the one that inspired you to want to be a director is probably a very cliche film student thing to say BUT I’m not a film student and I’ve put my directing pipe dream permanently to one side, thus, coming from me it’s not as hackneyed a statement. Or so I tell myself, lol. Basically, I was in awe of Kill Bill from start to finish. The colourisation is a dream, from the crazy 88 scene to the final fight between The Bridge and O Ren Ishii, and I particularly remember loving the animation sequence despite that not really being my kinda thing. I was just so impressed with how seamlessly something so out of place, considering the live action format of the rest of the film, fit in with everything else; even the scenes that should be absurd instead work with the comic book style narrative. Uma Thurman is of course amazing and iconic af but Lucy Liu as O Ren Ishii is my favourite thing about this film and the line I chose gave me all the bad bitch energy I need to, I think, get me through the rest of my time on this planet. If not, the tattooed version of this still I have on my arm should hopefully do the job. Yep, I truly ascended to a divine level of basic film hoe with that life choice.
6. Marie Antoinette (2006)
“This, Madame, is Versailles.”
The first Sofia Coppola film on this list, I love this woman’s work to death. Regardless of the content she’s working with, the end result always gives me the feeling I’m watching an extended music video. They always have this almost dreamlike quality to them and everything from the colour palette to the camera movements to the soundtrack in Marie Antoinette is tied together perfectly.
7. Mother! (2017)
“You never loved me. You just loved how much I loved you.”
I was tense throughout the entirety of Mother. As a socially anxious, obsessively tidy control freak, this whole film was like something from one of my nightmares; think unwanted house party on crack. I was mentally screaming along with Jennifer Lawrence for all of those people to get out, whilst simultaneously just staring at her face because she is so fucking gorgeous! Even when she’s completely lost it! Totally unrealistic but it makes for some really pretty shots! And then there’s the ending which left me kind of like “what the fuck did I just watch?” Which is what Darren Aronofsky films do best. They’re terrifying but also quite beautiful and Mother is no exception.
8. Gerald’s Game (2017)
“Everybody's got a little corner in there somewhere. A button they won't admit they want pressed.”
I finally got round to watching this for the first time the other day and I absolutely loved it. It probably helps that the last Stephen King adaptation I saw was Pet Sematary, so despite the praise this got at the time, my expectations weren’t super high, but I think this really is a perfect horror film. It’s clever, doesn’t rely on jump scares, and the creepy scenes that are in there really get under your skin. It drags a little in the middle though it’s beautifully shot, acted and has one of the few “body horror” scenes in a horror that’s actually made me cringe.
9. A Beautiful Mind (2001)
“I think that's what it's like with all our dreams and our nightmares, Martin, we've got to keep feeding them for them to stay alive.”
I don’t want to say too much about this film and spoil the plot, so I’ll just say that it’s incredible. Devastatingly sad but also wonderfully hopeful at the same time, and solidified my interest in psychology! I could watch Jennifer Connelly all day.
10. Alien (1979)
“This is Ripley, last survivor of the Nostromo, signing off.”
As a horror fan, I don’t think I need to explain why this film’s on the list. It’s been raved about and video essayed and called a pioneer of the genre ad nauseam. Again, not that this is really anything new but part of what I love about this movie is the context of its release and success; before Sigourney Weaver’s portrayal of Ellen Ripley, it was a rare occurrence to have a female protagonist in an action-based movie. Alien really paved the way for women to take up space in a previously male-dominated genre.
11. 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016)
“Crazy is building your ark after the flood has already come.”
I saw this for the first time at the cinema and pretty much went in blind. I hadn’t seen Cloverfield but I love Mary Elizabeth Winstead (Final Destination 3 was always my favourite of the franchise, lol) and there wasn’t really anything else on worth seeing, so my sister and I chose this and it was an experience. Like, of all the films on this list, this is probably the one that had me most on edge and I’m not sure watching it on your laptop on Putlocker will do it justice. You need the curtains pulled to, the volume way up and complete silence.
12. American Psycho (2000)
“Try getting a reservation at Dorsia now, you fucking stupid bastard!”
There isn’t a dull moment in American Psycho. Every line is quotable and every scene is straight to the point. I feel like this film is a masterclass in that Stanley Kubrick quote about editing where he says he liked to get rid of everything that was not absolutely vital to advancing the plot or the audience’s understanding of the character in any way. Plus, the ending is trippy af! Or maybe I’m just a bit oblivious to something that was quite obvious throughout, who knows. Either way, what the final scenes really mean are fun to think about.
13. The Descent (2005)
“I'm an English teacher, not fucking Tomb Raider.”
Okay, so I literally just watched this the other day and had to begrudgingly remove Silent Hill to make space for it (I KNOW it was critically panned and I KNOW the video game is better but I liked the visuals, OKAY!?) because The Descent is truly one of the best horror films I’ve ever seen. Before we even get to the supernatural element of the creatures, which are genuinely creepy for once, there’s a party bag of other phobia-inducing sequences that had me emotionally exhausted within the first half hour alone. Claustrophobia, darkness, heights, actual cringeworthy body horror, The Descent has something for everyone. The way it utilises space (or lack of for that matter) and darkness and panicked camera pans makes you feel as if you are really down in the cave with the characters. To add to that, I was actually rooting for all of them too; it probably helped that they were English rather than the typical American slasher cast but I found them to be a believable and likeable group of women. I truly did want them all to get out alive *spoilers*, which only made the ending all the more devastating and although the general narrative is quite predictable, the way in which things get wrapped up left just the right amount of shocks and questions to leave you reeling.
14. Eighth Grade (2018)
“Gucci.”
No film has ever captured what it’s like having social anxiety during “high school” (it’s called secondary school here in England, I know, but you get me) better than Eighth Grade. A tribute to the feeling of never quite fitting in and wishing you knew how to do what everyone else seems to be able to do naturally, it encapsulates that awkwardness with an accuracy that is really impressive considering that 1. it’s Bo Burnham’s first film, and 2. he’s not...like...a 13 year old girl. It is just as funny as it is sad and Elsie Fisher is great and so, so believable. Girl should’ve won some kind of Oscar.
15. American Beauty (1999)
“I don't think that there's anything worse than being ordinary.”
I wavered on whether or not to include this film on the list due to the Kevin Spacey controversy and decided that I had to with the disclaimer that I watched it quite some time before the stories about him came out and won’t ever watch any of the new things he inevitably ends up doing (because Hollywood has a notoriously short memory when it comes to the actions of disgraced male actors, lol). You can’t deny the amount of talent and skill that went into making a film so graceful and elegant and yet in equal parts unnerving, and I don’t think we should refuse to acknowledge the achievements of everyone else on that set because of Spacey’s behaviour.
16. Bandersnatch (2018)
“The past is immutable, Stefan. No matter how painful it is, we can't change things. We can't choose differently with hindsight. We all have to learn to accept that.”
As I was watching/playing through Bandersnatch, I didn’t necessarily love it. I think I’m echoing a common sentiment when I say that I was kinda confused. I was desperately trying to *spoiler* avoid the option of the protagonist murdering their dad (he seemed like a nice guy!?) but somehow always ended up there by their logic. So I watched most of the endings and then I went on and busied myself for the rest of the evening. AND I COULDN’T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT. One minute I was completely deluding myself into believing the whole parallel universes thing was true and that I should test it out (don’t ask), and then the next I was thinking how disturbing it was that we’d been basically been inside the head of a person experiencing a mental breakdown severe enough for them murdering their dad, who had only ever wanted to help when you think about it objectively, to seem rational. The confusion started making sense within the context of the experience of the protagonist and our role as the audience and though I hadn’t realised it at the time, I’d been completely absorbed in the episode. Maybe the confusion wasn’t intentional, maybe I’m giving Charlie Brooker too much credit based on the recent couple of series of Black Mirror BUT I can’t deny that Bandersnatch left a huge mark on me, and after all, this is the man who wrote White Christmas.
17. Get Out (2017)
“White girls. They get you every time.”
Going into this film, I was cocky. I’ve gotten pretty good at predicting what’s going to happen in things, probably just because I watch too much TV, but from the trailer I was sure I knew exactly what was going to happen. And then, I was completely blown away. The ending was SO SMART, in terms of both the within universe storytelling and also the metaphorical narrative/commentary on the way our society treats black men and women. Like those early episodes of Black Mirror, it had me like “how the fuck did Jordan Peele think of that!?”. I can only dream of being as creative in my writing one day. Even little plot points like where the “police” car turns up at the end and your stomach sinks and you realise the intention of that is most likely to help you empathise with what the average African-American person feels in their day to day life when police make themselves present, what with institutional police brutality and racial profiling; it’s clear so much thought went into this script.
18. Ghost Stories (2017)
“It's funny, isn't it? How it's always the last key that unlocks everything.”
I don’t have all too much to say about this one apart from that I love a well-constructed English horror. I feel like it’s something we don’t do all too often and to be honest, I’m struggling to think of many English horror films in the first place. Ghost Stories is a great example of why we need more; it’s smart and spooky and folky without hitting you over the head with all those elements and Andy Nyman is a perfect lead. Love a bit of Martin Freeman too.
19. Girl, Interrupted (1999)
“Crazy isn't being broken, or swallowing a dark secret. It's you, or me, amplified.”
Maybe this is the 13 year old black and white Tumblr girl in me jumping out but I still adore this film. I know it’s not necessarily the most critically well received but Winona Ryder, Angelina Jolie and Brittany Murphy are 3 of my favourite actresses and I do love the script. I also like the way that Borderline Personality Disorder was characterised in Winona’s character Susanna (I’m wavering on whether to call her a character as if I recall correctly the book was based on the author’s real experience) in that it was quite subtle and that she wasn’t portrayed as manipulative, or aggressive or basically, as the villain, which I feel is usually the go-to. It focussed more on the mood aspects and the way that people with BPD tend to latch onto and idealise others, as Susanna does with Lisa, and these are both things that I have personally struggled with in the past.
20. Hereditary (2018)
“All I do is worry and slave and defend you, and all I get back is that fucking face on your face!”
It was hard to find a quote that encapsulated what makes Hereditary so great because so much of it is about what isn’t said, if that makes sense. It’s a lot of pained silences and resentful looks and horrified screams, and doesn’t that sound like a fun time? Honestly, it’s not necessarily, lmao. Shocker. It has you feeling like something awful is about to happen the whole time, deep in the pit of your stomach, but I like that in a film, when it does make you properly feel. Ari Aster gets slow-burning dread just right in his exploration of dysfunctional families and grudges, with a few heart-sinking shocks thrown in for good measure all without overdoing the jump scares. There are a lot of deeply unnerving “supernatural” moments but there are just as many horrifically realistic familial conflict scenes that give you that whole “something is wrong” gut instinct in equal measures. It’s been a year and I’m still so angry that Toni Collette didn’t get an Oscar nomination for her performance, because it was really the perfect opportunity to break down the invisible wall between horror and critical recognition. On a more positive note, I loved Midsommar too (not as much as Hereditary but it was still a trip) and I cannot wait to see what Ari Aster does next. Once again, I’ll be in the cinema on opening night.
21. Heathers (1988)
“Dear Diary, my teen-angst bullshit now has a body count.”
Heathers is iconic in every way: the outfits, the cast, the lines. I mean, the acting can be a bit iffy at times but I honestly think that without Heathers, Jennifer’s Body might never have existed and that’s a world I wouldn’t want to live in. There was so much choice when I was picking a line to summarise why I like it so much and of course, “fuck me gently with a chain saw, do I look like Mother Theresa?” deserves an honourable mention. You almost made it bby. The TV remake? We don’t speak of it.
22. Hot Fuzz (2007)
“The way we see it, it’s all for the greater good.”
It might not be the “artiest” movie ever but I’ve seen Hot Fuzz so many times and it never gets old. Though I used to love it when I was younger purely for the PG-13 gore, now I appreciate it for the absurdity and the ridiculousness and to be honest, the total believability of the plot when it comes to towns ruled by low-key hostile, doddery old white people. I should know, I live in one.
23. Inglourious Basterds (2009)
“You probably heard we ain't in the prisoner-takin' business. We in the killin' Nazi business. And cousin, business is a-boomin’.”
I wish I wasn’t a hoe for Quentin Tarantino films (I’ve felt personally attacked by many a poundlandbandit starter pack) but I am. The breakneck pacing, the tongue in cheek dialogue and the gore all make this one of my ultimate favourites. Also, I have a huge crush on Melanie Laurent. Yes, it’s the French accent. No, I don’t know the mechanics of how that works. I hear someone speak French and I want to marry them! I can’t help it!
24. Ingrid Goes West (2017)
“Are you actually insane?”
This seems like a random choice to have on the list seeing as it was never really that hyped up, nor did it receive masses of critical acclaim. It did get positive reviews but that was about it. However, as soon as I saw the trailer, I knew I had to see it. Months, and an £8 purchase from HMV later, I finally got to watch Ingrid Goes West and I loved every moment of it. Whilst Aubrey Plaza’s character, I feel, is an exploration of a lot of young women’s insecurities and self-doubts and fears, blown up to monstrous proportions (or maybe just mine, lol), and a 90 minute film about that doesn’t sound all that revolutionary, this one is as intense as it is stylish and darkly comedic and that’s what puts it on the map for me.
25. Insidious (2011)
“I like to call them travellers.”
So this film scared the ever-living SHIT out of me when I was younger and though I now consider horror my favourite genre and watch it on the regular with absolutely no qualms, 13 year old me was (not to use the world lightly) mildly traumatised. I genuinely couldn’t be home alone by myself or sleep at night without thinking the old woman ghost from the beginning was outside my room for a good 6 months or so. Like it literally exacerbated an already present sleep disorder to the point where my understandably frustrated-at-being-woken-up-nightly-by-her-panicking-daughter mother got me referred for CBT (to reflect on a time when I didn’t know what CBT or CAMHS was is…blissful, lol). And maybe because of that, in my mind, I still conceptualise it as one of the very few horror movies that has actually scared me, hence its place on the list. That scene where we first see that Star Wars looking red faced devil? I’d probably still nope out even now.
26. It Follows (2014)
“It could look like someone you know or it could be a stranger in a crowd. Whatever helps it get close to you.”
There’s not too much to say about It Follows, other than that it’s a good horror film and more importantly just a really good film. I feel it’s a crucial, early part of this warmly welcomed horror renaissance we are now fully in the thick of where writers are focussing less on making people gasp and more on actual good quality cinema. It’s a simple concept that leaves enough room for you to ask your own questions whilst still feeling somewhat complete, and not annoyingly open-ended. The shots are good, the characters are normal enough to be believable, and the colour palette is Fincher-esque; the muted tones perfectly complement the feelings of dread that run throughout. Whilst you don’t need to be concerned with what the whole thing is a metaphor of in order to enjoy the film, the possibility of there being that second reading of the narrative, for me, elevate it to a higher level. In other words, it’s got *Shrek voice* layers.
27. Juno (2007)
“I'm just gonna go ahead and nip this thing in the bud. Cuz you know, they say pregnancy often leads to…you know...an infant.”
I love Ellen Page. I love Michael Cera. Together they are the best thing ever. See, I’m not really much of a rom-com girl but I see this as less of a rom-com and more of a coming of age film with romantic snippets and great one liners. It’s sweet and whimsical and funny but also really fucking real in parts, and it’s definitely what I would consider a modern classic. If you haven’t watched it already, do!
28. Suspiria (2018)
“Love and manipulation, they share houses very often. They are frequent bedfellows.”
Witches! Ballet dancing! Decapitation! Tilda Swinton! What’s not to love? As soon as I saw the trailer for Suspiria, I knew I had to see it. Creepy but also beautifully shot and scored, it was worth the 8 month wait from the Venice Film Festival and eventual caving and watching on 123Movies after I couldn’t find the DVD on Amazon; I finally got to tick it off my watch list only to like it so much I had to add the original Suspiria back on.
29. Mulholland Drive (2001)
“I hope that I never see that face, ever, outside of a dream.”
Another film which had me like WTF by the end, I really recommend Mulholland Drive for anyone who wants to be vaguely creeped out and extremely confused at the same time. See, I really love a film where you spend the next few hours after watching researching all the different interpretations and reading interviews with the director. That sounds sarcastic, but honestly, I love it. It’s a moody, film-noir style mindfuck of a movie and even after doing my research I’m still quite baffled. That’s the best part.
30. Requiem for a Dream (2000)
“Purple in the morning, blue in the afternoon, orange in the evening.”
It took me a while to get on board with seeing Marlon Wayans in a serious role (I’ve seen White Chicks far too many times, clearly), but once I did, I was into it. To be totally honest, I don’t think there’s a single happy moment in this film; it comes up quite frequently as one of the most disturbing of all time, which I’m sure Aronofsky probably thinks of as another notch on his belt. Whilst imo, that’s quite a grandiose claim, Requiem for a Dream definitely stuck in my mind after I watched it. Even if you’ve never watched the film, the ending sequence is notorious for how fucked up it is and I do think it’s earned the infamy. What stuck out more to me, though, was how purposeful every shot and sequence felt in terms of trying to let you into the character’s states of mind, the short lived bursts of euphoria and the panicked downwards spirals. I think it will always be one of the most compelling films about addiction for highlighting how terrifyingly out of one’s control it can be.
31. Room (2015)
“No one is strong alone.”
This film made me cry buckets. Brie Larson and Jacob Tremblay are wonderful, and everyone involved deserved all the Oscar hype. Every line was so heartfelt and emotive, and I loved Tremblay’s voiceovers. To translate the stream of consciousness of a kid from page to screen in a way that it remains believable in spite of its wisdom (not like those tweets where people try to make out their kid just casually made some off the cuff scathing political jibe at the dinner table) is quite the feat and similarly, I’m in awe of how the director managed to communicate the pain and confusion of the characters on a level that transcended the physical confines of said room. The escape scene had my heart in my mouth. All this being said, I should really read the book because it’s supposed to be even better.
32. Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)
‘When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.”
Michael Cera and Mary Elizabeth Winstead are two of my favourite actors and so it’s a given that Scott Pilgrim is one of my favourite films. It’s such a fun, easy watch and the video-game inspired directorial style makes it, in terms of cinematography, probably the most memorable Edgar Wright film on this list imo. The concept, based on the graphic novel, is quite a simple one but that doesn’t stop it being entertaining from start to finish. The rest of the cast is great too: Brie Larson, Anna Kendrick, Mae Whitman, Aubrey Plaza and Alison Pill (Ivy from American Horror Story, anyone?) All make appearances, plus Chris Evans. He’s Captain America or something, right?
33. Scream (1996)
“No, please don't kill me, Mr. Ghostface, I wanna be in the sequel!”
The Scream movies were my absolute favourite when I was just getting into “horror” as a 13/14 year old because they were always pretty tame in terms of scares but nonetheless, always a trip. Though, controversially, I’d probably say I enjoyed Scream 4 just as much as the first one (I am a bit of an Emma Roberts stan), I chose the first one purely for how iconic it was and how ahead of its time. It mixed satire and horror in a way that hadn’t really been done in such a mainstream way before and made it possible for films like Cabin in the Woods and The Final Girls to do so well.
34. Shaun of the Dead (2004)
“Take car. Go to Mum's. Kill Phil, sorry, grab Liz, go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.”
I’ve seen Shaun of the Dead way, way, way too many times and I’ll still probably watch it again the next time ITV decide to show it too. It makes me laugh, it’s got lots of good gore and it’s easy to follow. The perfect film to put on whilst eating a take away, as long as you’re not too squeamish, lol.
35. Silence of the Lambs (1991)
“Well, Clarice. Have the lambs stopped screaming?”
Jodie Foster’s portrayal of Clarice Starling makes her one of my favourite movie heroines of all time; quietly courageous, she was the type of female lead that really hadn’t cropped up all that much in the films that came before Silence of the Lambs. And despite its problematic handling of certain issues, it’s a fucking incredible film. The thing about Hannibal Lecter is that they don’t have to tell you that he’s always one step ahead, you see it for yourself (the elevator scene!) and so it kinda feels like he’s looking into YOUR soul too. The confrontation at the end between Clarice and Buffalo Bill is one of the most nerve-racking 15 minutes or so of film I’ve ever watched, and if I ever get asked to justify why I’m scared of the dark again, I’m going to point straight to this scene. Yes, I’m a baby but my fears are VALID!
36. Silver Linings Playbook (2012)
“I do this! Time after time after time! I do all this shit for other people! And then I wake up and I'm empty! I have nothing!”
As you can probably tell from my inclusion of Mother! on this list, I love Jennifer Lawrence, and this is probably my favourite drama film of hers. The way that she and Bradley Cooper portray two people struggling with mental illness is refreshingly honest in that it shows it can make you quite an unlikeable person at times, albeit someone who is just trying their best to survive. That being said, in spite of the subject matter it’s still a relatively light and easy-to-watch film. The diner scene in particular is a masterclass in realistic conflict and reaction, and I hate to be “ooo, edgy” but several of the lines did strike a really deep chord.
37. The Babadook (2014)
“Sometimes I just want to smash your head against the brick wall until your fucking brains pop out.”
The best thing that the Babadook does, much like It Follows, is instils a sense of deep seated dread in you before you even see the supernatural forces at work. The washed out colour palette, apparent emotional disconnect of Jennifer Kent’s (who also directs!) character, and the disorienting movements of the camera all help to create a lingering unease that is just as effective as the grossly uncanny appearance of the monster/ghost/creature/whatever-you-want-to-call-it himself. It’s obvious that Kent had a very clear vision of the story she wanted to tell and even more so that she is a very talented woman; I hope to see even more female directed horror films in the future if the Babadook is anything to go by. The way this film blurred the lines between the inner struggles of a grieving family and the outside supposedly paranormal influence was unsettling as fuck and to get into the psychology of a mother left on her own to raise a small child and how terrifying that might feel is something only a immensely intuitive and empathetic woman could do. Props to her.
38. The Craft (1996)
“We are the weirdos, mister.”
Not to sound all halloween-is-the-only-day-of-the-year-I-care-about VSCO girl (although that might actually be quite an accurate description of me to be honest), but if there’s one thing that sticks in my mind about the craft, it’s the aesthetic. It’s kind of what I aim to emulate in every aspect of my life, NBD. Seriously, when I was trying to pick a still, I was spoilt for choice. The rituals, the outfits, the witchy interiors; there’s this one GIF of Nancy, Rochelle, Bonnie (and maybe Sarah?) lighting all these gorgeous candles and if I could walk around with it permanently looping on my forehead, I would. And ignoring my shallow reasons for liking The Craft, it’s just a really good film. Nancy Downs is probably one of the most interesting female villains of all time and I’m obsessed with anything that explores magic and the occult. It’s equal parts dark and girly, not to use that in a derivative way at all, in that not only does it teeter on the line of being scary, it’s also a gritty exploration of female friendship, power and jealousy. If you are a halloween-is-the-only-day-of-the-year-I-care-about VSCO girl, definitely watch it; more power to you.
39. The Favourite (2018)
“All I know is, your carriage awaits and my maid is on her way up with something called a pineapple.”
I’d seen The Favourite twice within, like, a month of it being released in British cinemas and I do not have a single regret about that; well, maybe a minor regret in paying over £12 to see it in the Leicester Square Odeon with the assumption that the extra price meant fancy seats (it didn’t), but on the whole, I’m pretty happy with my life choices. Emma Stone, Olivia Colman, and the period Mean Girls comparison drew me in but I came back the second time for the costumes, the dialogue, the editing and Sarah Churchill, Duchess of Marlborough. Or Rachel Weiss, in other words. See, The Favourite is superbly casted in that Yorgos Lanthimos must have known we can’t help but see Emma Stone as the “good girl”/protagonist and so it took me a whole second viewing to see her character for what she really was, and realise The Favourite is in some ways less a story of Abigail Masham’s rise to power and more the tragic disintegration of Sarah and Anne’s relationship. I’m sure you can view the film both ways but to view it as the latter brings a whole new dimension to it and the ending, imo. I’m not gonna lie, I didn’t go into the film expecting some vaguely historical lesbianism and that definitely made for a slightly awkward birthday viewing with my family BUT I wasn’t at all disappointed.
40. The Killing of a Sacred Deer (2017)
“If you dig a hole in the yard, better make it a big one.”
This film is slow-moving, weird and the acting can be stiff at the best of times, and yet somehow all these things add to the (take a shot every time I say-) dread that builds throughout. You don’t know exactly how things are going to end, but you do know it’s not well. Like in his latest directorial entry of The Favourite, Yorgos Lanthimos excels in the realm of the strange and vaguely fantastical through his script, score and cinematography, and so even though the settings are quite mundane, The Killing of a Sacred Deer kind of feels like some macabre modern fairytale, the moral of which I can’t quite work out. I can’t imagine anyone playing Martin more unnervingly than Barry Keoghan and I’m never going to complain about Nicole Kidman, but it’s the imagery of the tears of blood, Steven’s children dragging themselves along the floor and the ending scene that stuck with me long after the film had finished. If you’ve got the patience and you enjoyed the style of The Favourite, there’ll definitely be something positive for you to take away from The Killing of a Sacred Deer.
41. The Orphanage (2007)
“Seeing is not believing. It's the other way around. Believe, and you will see.”
When I was first told by my year 11 Spanish teacher that we were going to be watching The Orphanage in class, I definitely didn’t foresee myself including it in a top 50 films list 5 years later and yet here we are. I mean, I shouldn’t have been surprised really as she did tell us it was good and I had frequently seen it included in lists of the best horror films but as with pretty much anything our teachers would put on as an excuse not to teach for a few lessons (I’m really NOT complaining here, they deserve the break and I would definitely do the same, lol), my expectations were definitely low. Side note, I also since found out that Bilbao seems like a pretty cool place and there was a reason she kept banging on about that too, and so moral of the story, teachers do sometimes have some decent recommendations BUT my assumption was that The Orphanage must be pretty tame for her to show it to us. Parents-even of 16 of year olds-love to complain, lol. And to be fair, it isn’t so much in your face scary so much as it is kind of tragic with an undertone of spooky but I really enjoyed it. I want to say that part of what I enjoyed about it so much was the mystery element but honestly I think a lot of that comes from the fact that it’s in Spanish so I had to work to follow what was actually going on.
42. The Ring (2002)
“I can't imagine being stuck down a well all alone like that. How long could you survive?”
The Ring does visuals better than any other horror. The contorted faces of Samara’s victims, the infamous tape and the shots of the well all have a staple in pop culture for a reason. Whilst I don’t find Samara herself particularly frightening, the lore and mythology surrounding her feels so authentically creepy; the tape in particular reminds me of the kind of weird YouTube video you might stumble across when you’re supposed to be trying to get to bed late at night and instantly hate yourself for watching. Naomi Watts is a compelling lead and though I was probably rooting for Sarah Michelle Gellar in the American remake of the Grudge more (I still low-key associate her with the live-action Scooby-Doo and I have no shame), to compare other noughties horror classics, on the whole The Ring is definitely the better quality movie.
43. The Shawshank Redemption (1994)
“I guess it comes down to a simple choice, really. Get busy living, or get busy dying.”
The Shawshank Redemption is just an unequivocally good film. On paper, it doesn’t necessarily have any of the things that draw me to a movie in it, but it’s brilliantly acted, written and shot. It’s frequently cited as one of the greatest movies of all time and I think that’s a very fair statement.
44. The Shining (1980)
“Wendy? Darling? Light of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in!”
I love The Shining. In terms of scares, not all that much happens in it, but what we do see (the corpse in the bath tub is fucking horrifying) undoubtedly leaves an impact. The score is so unnervingly perfect that I can still hear the sound that’s made when we see those 2…puppets? Costumed people? Basically some kind of weird furry activity-which believe me, makes sense if you’ve seen it-going on. And I only need to see a still of the Overlook Hotel and I can immediately feel the sense of claustrophobia and growing tension that Stanley Kubrick so effectively communicated. A lot of people shat on Shelley Duvall’s acting at the time and whilst she obviously didn’t match Jack Nicholson’s energy, she did come across as a woman genuinely traumatised which is sad when you do consider the effect that shooting the film had on her. With that aside, The Shining is a massively pivotal part of horror history and I’m very excited to see Doctor Sleep this year!
45. The Virgin Suicides (1999)
“Obviously, Doctor, you've never been a 13-year-old girl.”
It really is a toss up between Marie Antoinette and The Virgin Suicides when it comes to Sofia Coppola’s best film, and so of course I had to include them both. See, whereas Marie Antoinette could be the visual incarnation of an album like Marina and the Diamonds’ Electra Heart or Charli XCX’s Sucker (if you ignore the less than fortunate ending, lmao), The Virgin Suicides plays out more to the tunes of something less bubblegum pop and more breezy and mellow, maybe LDR’s Ultraviolence or Honeymoon. You could say in a way that this film romanticises suicide and you’d definitely have a point, but I think considering the fact that it’s based on a book and was made in a time when we were less aware of the damage popular media can do (I think there’s a similar point to be made about the way the villain of Silence of the Lambs’s gender is portrayed and linked to his motivation), I give it a pass. It does also kind of make sense for the film to take this approach; the Lisbon girls are viewed through the eyes of a group of boys who are infatuated with them but also ultimately know nothing about them. In a way, it’s almost a critique of the way these boys think and a commentary on just how stifling and confusing young womanhood can be. I think it’s a beautiful film and a perfect adaptation of Jeffrey Eugenides’ novel.
46. The VVitch (2015)
“Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?”
Is it sad that I have this quote tattooed on my back? Is it biased for me to say no? Because for me, just as much as the Virgin Suicides is about how stifling society’s expectations of young women and how they are supposed to think and act, The VVitch is about the demonisation of girls who go against this and how liberation and sexual freedom for so long were perceived as the result of some kind of satanic and deeply disturbing force at work rather than individual expressions of freedom and femininity. The ending is HAPPY, okay, and if you take away the misty, barren landscapes and the isolation and the paranoia and the baby eating witches and the accusations and the demonic goats, it’s kinda a dark feminist fairy tale to go against puritan panic. I mean, let’s be honest, *spoilers* Thomasin’s siblings were annoying AF. Not that I’m condoning child murder on any level, but you know. In a narrative context was it really so much of a loss when those little shits got the chop?
47. Thoroughbreds (2017)
“At the end of the day, I have a perfectly healthy brain. It just doesn't contain feelings. And that doesn't necessarily make me a bad person. It just means I have to work a little harder than everybody else to be good.”
I love Olivia Cooke. I love Anya Taylor-Joy. I love concise, cutting dialogue, the idea of middle class American social politics, and a little bit of (fictional, of course) murder thrown in there for good measure. Thus, I really love Thoroughbreds. If you watched it with the sound off, it’d be a Polo Ralph Lauren promotional film that gets really dark at the end, and what’s not to like about that?
48. We Need to Talk About Kevin (2011)
“What are these people watching, people like me?”
I still haven’t got round to reading the book this film was based on and I feel like that’s something I need to get on top of ASAP, because it’s been sitting on my shelf for a long ass time. However, based on the little I know about how faithful a film adaptation it is, I think Ezra Miller and Tilda Swinton were a wonderful pairing, and this is a film that’s all about the characters, so it’s a good job they were so well cast. Miller does a great job at getting right under your skin and answering a lot of my questions about what leads someone to commit the kind of horrific crime that his character, Kevin, does. Arrogance, done subtly, is hard to pull off but he nails it, and Swinton is very, very believable as a haunted, grief-stricken mother wrestling with the natural question of the part she played in her son’s actions and the scrutiny that comes with it. Not only that but from the offset, every part of the cinematography helps to convey the feeling of impending doom that builds right up until the climax. The colour palette in particular, which for the most part doesn’t stray too far from the mundane greys and bleak washed-out tones perhaps reflective of Eva’s state of mind, does a great job of foreshadowing what to come when it quite purposefully does take a diversion. It’s all about the red, apparently. Take note.
49. Whiplash (2014)
“Any fucking moron can wave his arms and keep people in tempo. I was there to push people beyond what's expected of them. I believe that is an absolute necessity.”
You honestly wouldn’t believe that a film about drumming could feel like a horror and yet here Whiplash is, leaving me on the edge of my seat and wincing for, like, 2 hours straight. Tonally it couldn’t be more different from the other Damien Chazelle film on this list (La La Land), and yet it flows just as seamlessly and has his same impeccable rhythm; every word, yell and snarl slots perfectly into place and every swivel of the camera is flawlessly executed. If you’re looking for an intense and fast-paced drama, I can’t recommend Whiplash enough.
50. Zombieland (2009)
“Twelve's the new twenty. Gun please.”
Zombieland has only one fault: that Jesse Eisenberg’s character wasn’t played by Michael Cera. But it has Emma Stone and Woody Harrelson so I’ll let it slide. Not much to say about this one other than it’s a wild ride from start to finish, but simultaneously easy to watch and probably the most lighthearted zombie film out there. Almost like The Hangover or something along those lines, but with the addition of the undead. It’s a hard film not to enjoy and I’m just really hoping they don’t fuck up the sequel.
DISCLAIMER: 90% of these stills are from Filmgrab, it’s an amazing website!
#cinema#emmastone#michaelcera#cinematography#films#stills#film#filmgrab#filmreview#horror#natalieportman#blackswan#darrenaronofsky#damienchazelle#anya taylor joy#olivia cooke#sofia coppola#yorgos lanthimos#rachel weisz#mary elizabeth winstead
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PotC Liveblog: Dead Man’s Chest
I’d been looking forward to rewatching DMC for some time. It was the movie that canonized my OTP and inspired so many amazing Sparrabeth fics. I fondly recalled seeing it in theaters with my family, my eyes and shipper heart growing bigger and wider with every subtext-laden appearance of Jack’s compass. I remembered feeling personally betrayed by Elizabeth’s death-kiss, like the writers had deliberately buoyed my hopes only to ruthlessly crush them. Unlike CotBP, I had only seen DMC once before, and I couldn’t wait to appreciate the complicated Jack/Elizabeth dynamic with more mature eyes.
Boy, was I disappointed. Not by the Sparrabeth, thank the gods, but by literally everything else.
Is it just me or was this movie composed of a bunch of standalone scenes and set pieces strung together? Did they bring in Tim Burton just to direct the visuals of the interrupted wedding scene? Why does the Turkish prison sequence look like the opening cutscene to a high fantasy RPG videogame with the brightness setting turned down to zero?
OK I laughed at Jack popping out of the coffin and using a femur as a paddle, but I’m confused about everything else
Oh look, the crew’s on the verge of mutiny again, and this time it is Jack’s fault
Listen, I have Ted Elliott’s compass meta tattooed on my heart, but in retrospect the “Why is all the rum gone?” scene was probably too subtle. The audience doesn’t even know at this point how the compass is supposed to work. Maybe if they had the balls to actually include the deleted Sparrabeth scenes in CotBP, Jack’s emotional turmoil wouldn’t have seemed so opaque!
Still, a character being Vexed about their affections/feelings and doing a poor job of managing that vexation is my idea of high romance
(and both Jack and Elizabeth are quite vexed with each other indeed)
I CANNOT believe I had to sit through an uninterrupted half hour of racist filler that does absolutely fuck-all to advance the plot while ticking at least four boxes on my postcolonial bingo card what the fucking fuck
Let’s tally the cinematic sins: unfunny physical comedy in a style that would’ve been more suited to animation; indigenous cannibals speaking in unrealistic, buffoonish gibberish; said cannibals worshiping our hero (and later a dog) as a deity; and worst of all--
All the brown men that Gibbs hired as extras additional crew for the Black Pearl in DMC were put into a separate cage from the recurring white characters from CotBP (btw Anamaria is absent without even a throwaway line of explanation) because apparently even barbaric islanders know and practice segregation
And so segregated, the crew enters the stupidest, most contrived rat race up a cliffside with each other that ends with the brown people’s cage falling into the ravine THEREBY GETTING RID OF ALL THE CHARACTERS OF COLOR IN ONE FELL SWOOP
Also egregious racism aside, I’m put off by the film’s rather cavalier attitude towards gratuitous loss of life? Idk I feel like in the midst of all the action and adventure CotBP knew how to handle death and violence with the appropriate modicum of gravity and horror
Meanwhile on the island Gibbs is just like “oiya we’re standing in cages built from the bones of our former shipmates ha ha”
As for Jack - Jack has yet to save a cat or anything else besides his own skin, so he’s rapidly losing the goodwill he accumulated in the first film
holy shit yet another Elizabeth Swann-related realization about my sexual awakening: her look as a cross-dressing stowaway - pretty, delicate features in a boyish, flat-chested, slender form - is literally my sexuality
She’s literally pulling the strings of all the men on that ship! What a puppet-master queen
Tia Dalma’s interest in Will and the “touch of destiny” line is an interesting bit of foreshadowing that doesn’t get any payoff in this film. DMC and AWE have been criticized for being impossible to watch as standalone films, but I think there’s something to be said for a universe that strives for internal continuity and demands more than a casual investment in its proceedings (a related but distinct model from the MCU)
If you gave me half a reason to I would ship Jack Sparrow with anybody and everybody. Look at the flirtatious lines and looks he exchanges with Tia Dalma!! Give me that story! (Actually, artaxastra did, twice: once in her standalone Creole!Jack origin story, And All of Them True, and once again in Gods and Heroes, a Jack/Calypso interlude in her Outlaws and Inlaws ‘verse)
Tia Dalma’s acceptance (and release) of Jack’s payment for her services tells me two things about her that I really like: (1) she’s like a magpie that collects interesting miscellany (witty tricksters, cunning pirate lords, undead monkeys). and (2) she’s not interested in caging creatures (the foreshadowing!!)
FINALLY WE GET SOME JACK/ELIZABETH INTERACTION
God bless Keira’s face and acting choices!! The chemistry!! All the little smiles and smirks they share!!
How doth she look at thee? Let me count all the ways: her amused, tentatively credulous smile at Jack’s storytelling and posturing over a magical compass and chest, while Norrington scoffs disbelievingly in the background; her having to bite her lips and walk away before Jack notices her giddiness because she literally cannot handle their flirting; her little laugh as he gently rebuffs the idea that he’s a good man
Also “I have faith in you. Both of you,” were her parting words to Will and here she gets a chance to tell Jack in person yay
Their little dance of “persuasion” is hot and all (Jack literally looks like he has to bite back a groan and whimper), but I’m really here for the banter (“Friendly?” / “Decidedly not.”); they get each other, and, under the right conditions, can communicate so effortlessly
“Why doesn’t your compass work?” - alright so ofc I love the legendary “curiosity” exchange, but I’m so confused by the abrupt transition in their conversation here? Like why didn’t she follow through and tug on that line of inquiry?? The “Because you and I are alike” line that follows makes no logical sense in context (ETA: I guess it could suggest that Elizabeth already knows why the compass doesn't work for him, because he's torn between doing the right thing and the selfish thing... But at this point she doesn't suspect him of lying to her, so...idek)
“You’d never put me in a position that would compromise my honor” - my god what a TEASE my queer heart
Oh, Norrington, what’s happened to you?? What happened to serving others, not just himself?? :(( It kinda confuses me that he goes on about the “dark side of ambition” and the “promise of redemption” when he’s the one who voluntarily resigned from his post...
Norrington carrying both shovels while Jack just poses prettily though lol
JACK’S COMPASS FINALLY WORKS FOR HIM BECAUSE THE TWO THINGS HE WANTS MOST IN THE WORLD--THE CHEST AND ELIZABETH--ARE IN THE SAME PLACE AND HE KNOWS IT
idk I guess some people find the three-way swordfighting scene hilarious but I’m with Elizabeth on this one: men are stupid
ugh this script makes no sense
I’m so fucking confused by the narrative logic here: if Jones is dead, there’s no one to call off the Kraken?? But isn’t Jones the one calling the Kraken in the first place, to settle Jack’s debt? So if they killed Jones, wouldn’t the debt be null and void? NO JONES, NO KRAKEN, DUUUH.
OK but Jack is really unlikable in this film, last-minute “heroic” acts notwithstanding. Give me fix-it fics please
I mean it’s rather telling that by the time Jack returns to the Pearl there are only enough survivors to fill a single longboat. Oh yes he “saved them all” - the few that were left!!
This script has more holes in it than the Pearl does right now: everyone unquestioningly follows Will’s orders like he’s the captain (what happened to the dork who shouted, “Aye! Avast!”?? And there’s no evidence that since his engagement post-CotBP he’s practiced any sailing)
I mean it’s like no one but Elizabeth even noticed Jack was gone; the moment he comes back Gibbs chirps, “Captain, orders?” as if he never left. This coward just abandoned you all!!!
“It’s only a ship, mate.” - This is actually just the saddest line, and I’m glad Elizabeth was there to witness it because if there’s one thing she took away from their fireside conversation in CotBP it’s that the Black Pearl is more than a ship to Jack; what it really is is freedom, and here Jack’s set to lose both
And that’s what Elizabeth--not the Kraken--definitively takes from Jack: his freedom. Not just his ability to run away from his fate, but also the chance to take a stand and face it. (I like to think that, more than the murderous act itself, is what he finds so hard to forgive post-DMC. The darker Jack in salr323′s oneshot, Perfidy, written post-AWE, articulates this eloquently: “You know nothing of my debt, love, nor of my payment. But had you allowed me a nobler death, my account might have been lighter.”) His last act of defiance entails reclaiming what choice he has left: slipping slickly out of his shackles, hat on, “hello beastie,” into the monster’s maw.
Ugh they could have given Jack’s whole arc with Davy Jones such PATHOS instead of waiting until the very end--he struck a deal with the devil in all his youth and despair and hubris; now the bell is tolling and he realizes 13 years is nothing, no time at all, and he’s not ready to die; not today, not ever--yes it’s selfish and dishonorable (Will’s willing to square the debt of a father he hardly ever knew; he wouldn’t have blinked at paying his own) but how human is that? to fight and run even as the flames lick your heels?
omg Jack is the jackrabbit
The irony of that eulogy still gives me feelings tho: “Guess that honest streak finally won out.” Elizabeth wrested away Jack’s control over his own story, so now she has to write it for him. When she toasts, “He was a good man,” it’s in both unearned homage and recompense.
“And the world is a little less bright.” - OK but that’s too much. Moving words from Gibbs, but here it’s like he’s speaking directly to/for the audience, and not in a good way. It’s too obviously meta, and especially out of place in a film where Jack did not shine very bright at all
In-universe, it’s not very believable that two pirates like Pintel and Ragetti--who mutinied against Jack before, without a hint of remorse!--would now risk their lives to save him
Honestly if Disney wanted to include familiar faces/fan favorites in the supporting cast for AWE, they could’ve easily written a more realistic line like, “what the hell do we have to lose?” or some more selfish motive, none of these panegyrics
btw who are the native people standing in the swampwater? holding candles with mournful tears in their eyes?? no seriously who are they??? (I dearly hope such a striking tableau was meant to hint at Jack’s history with Tia Dalma and the residents of this bayou, but the more cynical part of me thinks: “Now hiring: extras of color, to play the part of human candlesticks lit in exaltation of an ambiguously white man” The writers get no benefit of the doubt from me after forcing me to sit through that cannibal island act)
It sounds sadistic of me but seeing how anguished Elizabeth is after claiming she’s not sorry gives me life
She keeps crying, and can’t even bring herself to drink Tia Dalma’s concoction against cold and sorrow! She just fakes a sip, which is such a great little character beat, because it shows she doesn’t think she deserves the remedy! She’ll just have to live with it...
That is, until Will decides he can’t stand the sight of her grief, and opens up Pandora’s box for her despite just catching her passionately kissing another man: “If there was anything to be done to bring him back, Elizabeth...” He really is too good for this world
And Elizabeth MUST know there’s a price, that she’d be staking not just her own life and happiness but her betrothed’s, and yet selfishly, always selfish, she says, “Yes”
BARBOSSA!!! Still the most epic character reveal ever. I still remember the theater bursting into gasps and applause, good times
#i've had this in my drafts folder for too long along with a whole bunch of dmc reblogs#it's time to air them out they're starting to stink#tl;dr i could've watched the youtube videos compiling the 12 minutes of jack/elizabeth interaction instead of the entirety of dmc#and i don't think i would've missed out on much#t-recs#the long and short of the meta#pirates of the caribbean
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Rules: Answer 30 questions and 20 people you would like to get to know better
tagged by @tittymegan !! i was going to do this at like 5am in the airport (im in kefalonia now weeeeeee) and i was so bored and so glad you tagged me but like the moment before i could finish it the app crashed and ive been too furious to try it again until now
1. Nicknames: zanna, zannie, angela called me Big Zan the other day and i lost my fucking mind
2. Gender: girl (?)
3. Star Sign: libra
4. Height: 5′4
5. Time: 15:55
6. Birthday: 7th October
7. Favorite Bands: Kasabian, Florence and the Machine, Marina and the Diamonds, Warpaint, TLSP
8. Favorite Solo Artists: Bat for Lashes, Lana Del Rey, Kate Bush, Grimes, Lady Gaga
9. The Song Stuck in my Head: New Rules - Dua Lipa
10. Last Movie I Watched: i think it was Okja on Netflix! I loved it omg
11. Last Show I watched: Game of Throooooones
12. When Did I Create My Blog: god fucking eons ago. 2010 i think?
13. What Do I Post: music, tv, film, art, literature, shitposts, selfies....whatever floobs my boobs basically
14. Last Thing I Googled: Gemma Whelan. i wanted to know if she was gay or just typecast as such. sadly its the latter
15. Do You Have Any Other Blogs: my art blog, my inspo blog, and like 30 hoarded urls ill never use
16. Do You Get Asks: occasionally and i love the attention frankly
17. Why Did You Choose Your URL: an inside joke that i now maintain for brand recognition purposes
18. Following: 279
19. Followers: 721
20. Favorite Color: dark red, deep purple, gold, black, indigo, beetle green
21. Average Hours of Sleep: more than i got last night sweet jesus
22. Lucky Number: 9
23. Instruments: I sing and play guitar! though i can also do bass and uke if required
24. What Am I Wearing: my pjs. i just went to the beach and im having a rest before dinner
25. How Many Blankets Do I Sleep With: one
26. Dream Job: all of my ambitions are unrealistic to some degree lmao. id love to be an author or lead singer in a band. even my “realistic” dream is to be a university lecturer
27. Dream Trip: Scotland!!
28. Favorite Food: pizza or pasta if we’re talking sheer quantity ive eaten. i have a soft spot for thai curries though
29. Nationality: English
30. Favorite Song Right Now: The Man - The Killers! it always comes on when im driving and its such a bop
i tag @mad-shelley @bisexualaudreyhorne @jawnkeets @strange-meeting @j-eronimo @cydoniahype @renfield @gr0mhellscream @turndownyourlights @god--trash @predamorph @fennel-flower @soroppi @potter-thompson @hoodoodelrey ..... ahh god fuck it i dont wanna do twenty. if anybody else wants to then just say i tagged you
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Mckeating Ultra
My latest adventure started a few months ago when I texted my client who had just completed the London Marathon.
How did you get on? I asked hoping to simultaneously offer my congratulations whilst secretly re affirming my ego with the knowledge that my Marathon time was better.
Then they hit me with it, 3:41. They had beaten my time by ten minutes!
I have only ever completed one marathon, the New York, back in 2003 just a few months after getting back from Iraq I needed something to sink my teeth into and to help me get some normality back into my life.
To be honest, I know I didn’t really get an awesome time, like many people I was just happy to have completed the event, I think I even walked parts of it, but now I’m at a stage in my life where I’m wondering what my potential might be if I really applied myself and as I’m 38 years old, I feel as though it’s now or never.
So, I decided to come out of retirement and try to beat my last time, not for any ego driven vanity purpose of beating my client you understand, but solely to impart some life wisdom and help everybody realise that I’m the best 😊
I went to work searching the internet for Marathon events, the London Marathon can be hard to get into, and doing an event in my hometown of Hull didn’t excite me much, I searched and searched and that’s when I came across it.
The more I read, the more excited I got, and scared at the same time just at the thought of it, whether to enter or not went back and forth through my mind like some kind of decision ping pong game for a couple of days, before I decided to just go ahead and enter.
And that’s why I’m now training for my first ever ultra.
I’m still a newbie to this world so let me share what I’ve learned so far, an ultra-run is anything longer than a traditional marathon, there are Ultra’s across the UK and around the World of varying distance from 40 miles to upwards of a hundred which take place in varied environments under a wide range of conditions.
The Ultra I’ve entered is the Hardwolds 80, an eighty mile route across the Yorkshire Wolds way starting at the Humber Bridge and ending in Filey.
The event takes place on the morning of Saturday the 23rd November and I’ll have 24 hours to complete the whole route from start to finish.
I’ll be running this event to help raise funds for two charities very close and dear to my heart.
Royal Marines Charity
The corps family is in constant need of looking after, since I left in 2004 many of my good friends have either been killed in action or have chosen to end their lives, I’ll go further into this at some point in a future article but for now I just want to acknowledge thanks that there is an organization who can help support my band of brothers with mental health services and provide help to the families of those who have served.
They provide rehab to those injured, financial assistance to those in need and are constantly there for any serving or non-serving member of the corps.
Once a Marine, always a Marine.
Humber Rescue
I have been a volunteer at Humber Rescue for just over a year now, we are an independent lifeboat station staffed entirely by volunteers and we respond to call outs 24 hours a day, every day of the year.
The crew at Humber Rescue give up work, family and leisure time to be available to those in trouble at sea, in the short time I have been there I’ve seen crew members called out at three in the morning to literally save the life of someone in the water, only to go home and get ready for work in a few hours.
Not all heroes wear capes, it’s a pleasure to work alongside these guys.
Please Donate!
This is my donation page
I’ve set the fundraising bar quite low to start with, soon as I smash this target (hopefully soon) I’ll raise it again and shall endeavour to raise as much money as I can for these two worthwhile causes.
In exchange for donations I’m going to regularly blog with details of my journey as an amateur runner preparing for my first ultra-run, I’ll go into research and methods on mindset, nutrition and training and will provide valuable content for anybody interested in running and wanting to up their game or just anybody who wants to gaze into the working process of the kind of masochism one has to resort to in order to get to this level.
I’ll start briefly here in this article, and in future content I’ll cover these in more depth as I work through these tasks and begin to learn more and understand further.
Ultra-Mindset
Aside from running itself, I have two competing mental models regarding the Hardwolds 80 which I’m having to work with and overcome.
The first is just fear.
Fear that I’ll not be fit enough, that I’ll fail to complete it and look like an idiot after having spent months training for it and blogging about it and trying to raise money for good causes.
Fear of injury, fear of the pain, fear of getting lost on the route (that would be so me) and fear of not having enough mentally to cope with this and just quitting.
The second mindset I’m having to work against is unrealistic ambition, the guy who won last year ran the event in twelve hours and twenty-three minutes, the next competitor came in at thirteen hours and seven minutes.
I’ve worked out the mile splits, read the blogs of some people who took part (seem like really nice guys) and although this is the first ever ultra I’m going to run part of my brain is imagining me winning the thing and getting first place in a course breaking time.
Yeh, that’s really going on inside my mind.
So staying grounded for a moment, between my fears of just being able to complete the thing and my ambition to smash it and achieve fame, I believe a more realistic ambition should be to work with the goal of just completing this thing, most ultra-runners, especially beginners, go out the blocks too quick, tire out and finish way out of their expected times because they misjudged pacing.
Then of course there is the mindset needed whilst running, to mentally go out and do a ½ marathon on your lunchbreak because you know you need to clock up some millage volume for that week.
Every run I come face to face with my own insecurities.
Hello darkness my old friend.
Why not slow down Rich? Why not just run a few miles less today, your so busy and you have so much to do, you can always run further tomorrow to make up for it.
The conversations start in the mind, with perfectly justifiable sweet honey excuses being drip fed into my ear lobes.
Each run I must work against this, to acknowledge the thoughts, but to ignore them and carry on pushing it anyway.
When you run away from pain you’ll just get more pain, when you run towards it things seem to get easier.
In future articles I’ll expand on this in a lot more detail, because mindset is probably the biggest limiting factor to success and without mastering this aspect all the hard work around training and diet is wasted.
Ultra-Training
At the time of writing I have twenty weeks until the event, I’m now ready to start with some serious training, for the last six weeks I’ve been working on the basics.
This is just getting miles in, I’ve tried to clock in at least thirty miles a week, building up to 40 miles per week, and now I’m on 50 miles a week, some short five to six-mile runs, some fifteen milers when I’ve had time.
Each run will usually have one of the following purposes
Hills
The Wolds way has a fair number of hills along the route, many ultra- runners choose to walk the hills and run everything else, I’m not sure where I sit with this yet but for now I want to build up some tolerance to the hills and get my legs as best prepared as I can. Fortunately for me there are some big hills near my little private training studio in North Ferriby, so I’ve had plenty of opportunity to run up steep hills in the middle of a hot July afternoon like a madman.
Endurance
On many of my runs I’ve simply tried to get used to running for time, sometimes this has involved running twice a day, and on the few occasions where I’ve had a few hours spare this has just meant plodding along to get miles under the feet without pushing myself too hard.
Speed
I have two speed type sessions I’ve been working on, the first is pure hell, it’s literally the worst training I’ve done since leaving he marines, to the point where I feel nauseous and start regretting my life choices.
Hill Sprints, 5 x 3 minutes
I find a big hill, and I sprint hard up at it for three whole minutes, about 30 seconds in the pain really kicks in, I then have to keep pushing and tolerating that pain for the remaining duration, it’s hellish and at the same time kind of Euphoric, every part of my body hurts, my need for oxygen begins to vastly outweigh my ability to breath and I find my face contorted in agony trying to suck in big gulps of air.
Then I walk down the hill to recover and repeat the process again until I’ve done five total sprints. It’s hell, I hate it, but damn it makes me faster on my other runs.
Short sprints 15 x 15 seconds
This is a much more pleasant session, I find a nice flat field, warm up with lots of drills around running, plenty of hopping, moving the body around in various ways to help the individual joints react best to ground contact, and then when I’m ready it’s a 15 second sprint full out, followed by 45 seconds rest, and repeat. It’s short and sharp but effective and being able to access those gears helps me enormously when I’m trying to find a pace I can reasonably keep up for miles upon miles.
This is the kind of pace I have going on right now, current goal is to get a half marathon in under 90 minutes, hoping to achieve this in the next few weeks.
Ultra-Nutrition
Starting weight was 87kg, which means I’m currently carrying a few kgs too many to get my best times out, so diet’s had to play a significant part in my training not just to get the most out of my running but to help lose a few lbs at the same time.
Initially I just tried some simple calorie lowering techniques, big salad before dinner, pint glass of water with meals to help fill the stomach etc.
Guess what? Didn’t work ☹
Turns out I just have a massive greedy appetite, I just like food, lots of it, and I’ll keep eating past the point of being full.
For some people eating with moderate calorie tricks like the ones above can work wonders, but it just doesn’t do it for me.
After weeks of expending thousands more calories per week through the sheer number of additional steps I’ve been carrying out I still weighed the same.
So I’ve had to count calories, which sucks, but on the plus side I have lost 3.5kg (1/2 stone) and I still get to enjoy chocolate and a few beers without having to feel too restrictive. For me it’s important to lose weight at a steady pace, if I cut calories too low my performance will suffer on my runs and I won’t have enough resources to recover properly.
My nutrition for running is another matter entirely, now the basic training phase is over I’ve started turning my attention to carbohydrate periodization, where I alter the amount of carbs I consume based on the amount of training I’m doing that day. There is some cool science around this subject which I’ll go into in future articles.
My weight goal is to get under 80kg at least, that’s still heavy for an ulta-runner, but it’ll be a significant improvement on the extra weight I’ve been lugging about during these runs!
Summary
So this is the start of my journey, I’ll hope you’ll join me for future articles where I explore different aspects of running and ultra- running, and try to give more tips that I hope readers may find useful.
This started out as an intention to try and beat my previous Marathon time ( and my clients), however it’s took on a new form now, It’s turned into a challenge to bite my arse from a training slumber and get me working hard at achieving my best at something I’ve never done before.
once again, this is my donation please, if you find this article useful, please spare what you can, it is as always much appreciated.
This is my donation page
In future articles I’ll be delving much deeper into running training, nutrition for performance and the importance of getting the right mindset, including how I came to know the Hill Wizzard and Old man wolds (they’re both horrible)
BTW- The client who beat my time?
None other than Neil Hudgell, chairman of Super League Rugby Club Hull Kingston Rovers. He works hard in the gym with me three times a week and outside of the gym runs regularly and keeps challenging himself to do better. Years ago Neil got me back into running, since then we’ve ran a few half marathons together and to be fair, this guy can really put in some pace!
If you’d like to receive regular updates to my articles and get subscriber only content including videos, recipes, extras etc then sign up on the link below.
http://eepurl.com/ds_ygj
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Director Orson Krennic: a character analysis
(Or, a rebuke to a post that got way out of hand, and I ended up dumping literally every thought I have about Krennic, so I decided to make it into its own independent meta.)
Yes, Krennic’s a poor guy who just wants some respect and never seems to catch a break. But he’s also a ruthless and Machiavellian narcissist with a dastardly sense of fashion. One doesn’t negate the other. His character is an interplay of both.
Krennic doesn’t come from the same posh background as other imperial officers and faces much classicism as a result. It’s undeniable that he is incredibly ambitious. He had to be in order to get to his position, both in the Republic Corps of Engineers and as the Director of Advanced Weapons research (aka the Death Star), in the face of much resistance. It’s quite admirable, really, and he sees it as a source of pride as well. Everybody loves a rags to riches story.
His bombast, ego, ambition, and lust for power are not things he’s ashamed of. In fact, these traits in themselves are not bad, nor do they make him a bad person. Problems arise because of these traits in combination with the following, mostly of which are traits of narcissists. He’s less entitled than your average narcissist and has evidence to back up his ego, but still a narcissist.
He is afraid of taking risks. He clings to the rails of the bureaucratic ladder instead of staking it out on his own in a field like pure research, where you can either be wildly famous or wallow in obscurity. Galen says this to him in the Rogue One novelization, and boy does it hurt because he knows it’s true. Because he fears taking his own path, he’s at the behest of the Empire. All opportunities that present themselves to him will be ones that further the Empire’s own goals. Not that he has a problem with them.
Speaking of which, Krennic doesn’t have real goals; he doesn’t know what success for himself looks like. In full accordance with being a raging narcissistic, he’s an ambitious social climber whose only goal is to be powerful. What that looks like, we have no idea.
Before we go any further, I want to make an important comment about power. Power is not inherently evil. Wanting power doesn’t make you a bad person. Being powerful just means having the ability to effect change. You can use it to command the massacre of millions of people, but you can also use it to create a system for sustainable energy. Power is not an end, but a means to an end.
That said, being powerful isn’t actually a real goal. When you set goals, you want them to be SMART. Goals must be specific, measurable, attainable, reasonable, and have a time deadline. Krennic’s goal is neither specific nor measurable (which renders consideration of the latter three letters moot).
There are so many ways to be powerful including, but not limited to: senator, social media mogul, actor, political activist, prominent author, famous architect, and successful tech entrepreneur. “I want to be powerful,” is so vague, it may as well not even be a goal at all. And if you don’t even know what your goal looks like, how can you measure it? How do you know that you’ve reached it?
A quest for power ends when one has enough to execute on whatever end goal they have, but Krennic has none, so his quest for ever greater power never ends. He’ll just keep climbing the bureaucratic ladder to the top. The only way to climb the ladder is by serving your superiors, so the Empire’s goals become his goals.
He has problems with authority. He hates all of them. He wants to have the freedom to do things on his own terms, but they won’t let him. That’s the consequence of working for somebody else. And when you work for somebody else, you know you don’t have all the power.
Now, I want to go on a brief tangent about Galen’s business partnership offer to Krennic. It was an out for Krennic. The perfect out, in fact. He would have been unbelievably happy there. Barring responsibility to shareholders, there are no restrictions as to what entrepreneurs can do; they get to be their own bosses, set their own goals, set their own rules, do whatever they want. The only other authority figure in the vicinity would be Galen, who wouldn’t even be his superior. He’d be working alongside his best friend, whom he knows respects him.
In fact, when Galen first tells him about the project, Krennic is reeling, literally incapable of saying anything other than dazedly repeating Galen’s words with a question mark at the end.
For a brief moment he glimpsed a new destiny opening before his eyes, a window into a future he had never imagined for himself, a path to an entirely different life, and yet just as quickly as the window opened, it closed, slammed shut as much by long years of training as by a feeling of trepidation.
This is such an incredibly tragic moment when you consider how different things could have been had he said yes. How much better things could have been. A life without betrayal and loss. Unfortunately, he was too afraid to take it.
So he’s stuck in the position of simultaneously hating his bosses and also wanting respect from them. This becomes a problem because…
He’ll do what it takes to get what he wants, but he’s not a spineless bootlicker. He’s much too prideful for that. The thing about people ruthlessly ambitious as Krennic is that they don’t bow down to anybody. Bureaucrats hate this. To them, Krennic is just an uppity chav ¹ who thinks he can make it to the top. I have no doubt Krennic picks up on the fact that he’s hit a glass ceiling. He can’t woo them; they hate him just for being him. It’s unbelievably petty, so he’s petty right back at them. They owe him respect for all he’s done! So he seeks to undermine the authority of those above him (i.e. Tarkin) the only way he can - via manipulation and cunning. It’s what he’s good at and he knows it.
Despite all of the above, he seeks external validation (a mark of narcissists), such as rank squares, a dramatic cape, and being in charge of big projects. Narcissists are both immensely prideful and profoundly insecure. His ruthless ambition is a direct consequence of these insecurities. He needs to show off for any modicum of self dignity. Even in the presence of Galen he gets defensive about his position.
“But I am serious,” Galen cut in. “And I do understand your position. I just think you deserve more than…this,” he added, motioning in a way that took in the Corps of Engineers headquarters. Krennic swallowed to suppress a sudden defensiveness, a raw desire to tell Galen Erso that this was all a sham; to load that datapad of Erso’s with the schematic of the battle station and show him what he was really in charge of.
This ties closely to his lack of concrete goals. Without those, everybody else always determines your worth: whether you stand up to their expectations. When you can set your own goals and your own standards for success, you can fall back on those. If you fall short of someone else’s expectations, you can say, “Fuck that. This is what matters to me and I meet my own standards.” But Orson has none of those. He’ll never feel self fulfillment, and he’ll never be personally satisfied with himself.
He doesn’t want to be responsible for his actions, specifically, the ones that reflect poorly on him. I don’t know why Krennic doesn’t have a goal more concrete than “be powerful”, but if had to guess I’d say it’s because he’s afraid of failing at that goal. It would be a failing on his own part and there’s no plausible deniability. He can’t say, “They gave me unrealistic goals,” or, “ They were plotting against me.” It falls on him now. He’s more than eager to take credit for his success, he’s too afraid to take responsibility for his failures. Even though Krennic hates being beholden to anybody, he’s afraid of being completely independent. He’s a child that wants to be a grown up, but he doesn’t want to wake up and smell the taxes.
Everything he does, his ambition, his quest for power, his Machiavellian tendencies, even his dramatic fashion sense, all stem from the fact he is a sad and lonely narcissist trying to prove himself in place where nobody wants him to succeed. It all feeds back into itself. He’s put himself in an environment that exacerbates his narcissistic traits, and he becomes more and more ruthless as he tries to maintain his dignity and feed his ego.
–
Notes
1. I apologize for using this word; I don’t know another less offensive word that more accurately describes what the posh officers think of him
Bonus: AU where Orson accepts Galen’s business proposal and quits his job in the Corps of Engineers. The Death Star never gets built, nobody dies, and it’s happy endings for everybody.
#orson krennic#rogue one#sw#ro#this was sitting in my drafts for months wtf#since like january#jesus
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Why Spurs face an important couple of weeks after failure to make signings - Jermaine Jenas
Why Spurs face an important couple of weeks after failure to make signings - Jermaine Jenas
Why Spurs face an important couple of weeks after failure to make signings – Jermaine Jenas
I agree with Mauricio Pochettino when he says it’s fantastic that Tottenham didn’t signal anybody this summer season – however what does concern me is who may nonetheless depart, and the way Spurs can maintain their supervisor blissful.
Pochettino was proper to level to the positives of Harry Kane and Son Heung-min not too long ago signing new long-term offers, and with Christian Eriksen and Dele Alli each in talks over new contracts it seems like two extra large names shall be sticking round as nicely.
However Toby Alderweireld, Danny Rose and Mousa Dembele are nonetheless being talked about as out there to maneuver elsewhere in Europe this month.
I backed Spurs to finish third within the Premier League this season earlier than the switch window for incoming gamers shut final Thursday, and it did shock me that they didn’t convey anybody in any respect in.
I’m not going to alter my thoughts about my prediction as a result of Tottenham’s first XI is so robust and likewise as a result of they’ve a supervisor who is aware of them inside out.
However shedding any multiple of Alderweireld, Rose and Dembele could be a large blow for Spurs, as a result of it will severely have an effect on the depth of their squad.
Toby Alderweireld (left), 29, and Mousa Dembele (proper), 31, are each within the remaining 12 months of their Tottenham contracts. Danny Rose (centre), 28, has a deal that lasts till 2021.
‘Spurs not robust sufficient to only let trio stroll out of the door’
There appears to be a little bit of a sample rising at Spurs the place gamers get to a sure degree and age and begin to consider their future.
You try this as a footballer when you’re in your late 20s and begin pondering ‘nicely perhaps I’ve solely received yet another large contract left in me’, and if Tottenham should not going to offer it to them, they’ll look elsewhere.
Pochettino is the kind of supervisor who tells his gamers that if they do not wish to be right here, he isn’t going to face of their method.
However I do not suppose this Tottenham squad is robust sufficient to permit these three simply to stroll out of the door having not introduced in anybody else.
It doesn’t matter what your state of affairs is as a participant, the minute the window closes and you’re at a membership, then you definately wish to play – and play nicely.
So, whether or not they wish to depart or not, having them round shall be higher than counting on unproven gamers like Cameron Carter-Vickers, Juan Foyth or Luke Amos.
No Mahrez, however will we see extra of Moura?
Mahrez, who starred for Leicester after they gained the Premier League in 2016, joined Manchester Metropolis from the Foxes for £60m in July
I do know Tottenham followers had been craving the arrival of a large identify over the summer season to supply that large second and a few pleasure.
Personally I wished somebody who may go previous his man and prior to now I’ve hoped Spurs would go and get Riyad Mahrez from Leicester as a result of he has the power to try this and open up defences.
Tottenham had been just a little bit too ‘pass-pass-pass-pass’ at instances final season and it makes life simpler in case you have received another – all the opposite large golf equipment have gotten at the least one, and Son is the one Spurs participant who will take a participant on.
It appeared like they had been positively out there for another person like that, as a result of they had been linked with Aston Villa’s Jack Grealish and Crystal Palace’s Wilfried Zaha, and so forth.
They did not get any of them, however I’ve to say I used to be not overly excited by the names that had been talked about anyway.
Speak of bringing Gareth Bale again from Actual Madrid was completely unrealistic and the opposite names talked about weren’t going to show the membership the other way up and drive them ahead.
And it’s important to bear in mind Spurs introduced in Lucas Moura from Paris St-Germain for £23m in January.
Moura was not used as a lot as I believed he could be final season, however he has had an excellent pre-season and began Saturday’s win over Newcastle. He shall be like a model new signing, and I’m anticipating to see much more of him.
Are Spurs transferring on the fallacious time for Pochettino?
Tottenham Hotspur are because of transfer into their new stadium in September 2018
Some folks may have a look at Spurs and suppose they’re simply treading water anyway, however it’s important to bear in mind the price of their new floor, which has been delayed however will hopefully be ready by the end of October.
I believe Pochettino is fairly content material concerning the state of affairs too, however I wager there is a component of frustration for him on the identical time.
As constructive as the brand new floor is for the membership, you would argue it’s taking place on the fallacious time for him.
He’s regarded upon as one in every of Europe’s greatest coaches however the transfer will not be serving to him with what he’s making an attempt to realize at Spurs.
Sure, there would be the glitz and the glamour of a brand new stadium – finally – and it’ll all look nice, however it’s the staff that has received them to this place, with consecutive top-three finishes and Champions League soccer and if the membership doesn’t again Pochettino, that may inevitably tail off.
From my understanding, nonetheless, that’s not the rationale Spurs didn’t signal anybody this summer season.
Sure, Spurs needed to keep inside sure boundaries, however Pochettino was given the funds to go and get what he wanted – it was simply that Spurs weren’t in a position to get these offers over the road, and there was not a lot level in them going for his or her second or third decisions.
Spurs gamers love Pochettino for his private contact
Tottenham shall be aggressive – Pochettino
There’s a large distinction in how Jose Mourinho reacted so unhappily to the way in which Manchester United’s switch window went, and Pochettino’s very upbeat behaviour in public prior to now few days.
Pochettino’s perspective has rubbed off on his squad too, which is one other enormous constructive about Spurs’ present place.
After I converse to the Spurs gamers about him, I do not hear something however good issues. They love all the things about him, together with his private contact.
Even when a few of them had been away on the World Cup, they’d a real feeling he wished them to do nicely. Whether or not they had been with England or Belgium or whoever, he stayed in contact, not simply by sending them messages but in addition asking them how issues had been.
They respect that type of remedy, clearly, they usually reply to it. It means there’s a superb feeling across the membership proper now.
Sure, Pochettino calls for so much and may be very intense however the gamers settle for it as a result of they have a look at themselves and may see they’ve improved.
Foundations in place, even when Pochettino leaves
Pochettino ‘blissful and excited’ at Tottenham, regardless of Actual Madrid hyperlink
It’s nice that Spurs signed Pochettino up to a new deal on the finish of final season, however I do suppose they should begin making him blissful when it comes to his private ambitions.
I don’t see him turning his again on the membership any time quickly as a result of he has put a lot in to it, but when there may be any fear for Tottenham followers about his future, it’s with what’s going on with Mourinho at United.
If Mourinho leaves Outdated Trafford, then I can see United coming knocking for Pochettino as a result of it seems like he has been on their radar for a very long time, and I can perceive why he could be seen as the proper man for the job.
However even when the worst occurred they usually misplaced their supervisor, I do not suppose we’d see a whole capitulation at Spurs.
We’re speaking a few membership that has gone from energy to energy beneath chairman Daniel Levy prior to now few years, with an unbelievable stadium and with some sensible gamers who’re nonetheless growing.
No matter occurs subsequent, the sort of foundations are in place that Spurs have by no means had earlier than.
Jermaine Jenas was chatting with BBC Sport’s Chris Bevan.
BBC Sport – Football
ultras_FC_Barcelona
ultras FC Barcelona - https://ultrasfcb.com/football/10541/
#Barcelona
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The Lord of the Colours
"Chapter one. He adored Warsaw."
Uh, no. Make that ...
"He adored Warsaw."
Uh...no. Let me start this over.
"He adored Warsaw."
Ah, corny. Too corny for a man of my taste. Let me...try and make it more profound.
"Chapter one. He adored Warsaw."
No, it's gonna be too preachy. I mean, face it, I wanna sell some books here.
"He adored Warsaw."
Too angry. I don't wanna be angry.
"He adored Warsaw."
Yeah, I love this.
Many times I was thinking about why I am not able to learn the Polish language apart from the fact that I not really trying it. And many times I reassured myself with stupidities (like “I really enjoy to be lost in this Slavic atmosphere” or my poor Polish knowledge could sound “so cute”) in order to hide the real reasons which are simply my laziness and lack of motivation. Only few days ago I was smoking at my window. I am living in the first floor which means anybody could go to my apartment from the street if this somebody would really want to do it … anyway I was smoking and I saw not so far a drunk man coming towards my direction. I was thinking to go inside my flat in order to avoid a not so comfortable scene with a drunk guy who for sure would want a cigarette from me. But I decided to stay not paying attention to the man who was already under my window. “Give me a cigarette” he said in Polish. Using my quite poor language skills I answered I do not have any. My accent could have been really strong even with some grammatical mistakes as well which was obvious for a totally drunk guy too who was not even able to say his own name. “You are living in Warsaw without speaking our language?!”. At the next moment he wanted to push my window but it was not hard to predict his next move so I opened it a bit wider. He missed and hit the air. He lost his balance and sit on the pavement. I was sure he will break my window with a stone, but the whole scene was so embarrassing that he just walked away cursing me … So yeah a better knowledge in Polish could be useful if I am living in Poland but not to satisfy any stupid nationalistic views but just to say properly “Go and f**k yourself!”
I really like what Henry Miller wrote about the Polish language in Sexus: “There is one thing I like about the Poles – their language. Polish, when it is spoken by intelligent people, puts me in ecstasy. The sound of the language evokes strange images in which there is always a greensward of fine spiked grass in which hornets and snakes play a great part. … The Poles were like standing snakes fitted up with collars of hornets. I never knew what they were talking about but it always seemed to me as if they were politely assassinating someone. … The Poles were a race apart and their language clung to me like smoking ruins from a past I had never known.”
I have to admit at the beginning when I moved Warsaw I really enjoyed to be lost in the atmosphere of these unknown „politely assassinating” Slavic words. I could breathe freely and listen other things about people and not the words what they are saying to each other. It was the absolute freedom for an outsider like I was. But how the time passed by I started the understand them, picking up words and react if it was necessary. But to be honest I am still an outsider mostly because of the language itself: if Polish is not your mother tongue you never will be able to be part of it. When you start to understand it your tourist time is over and everything what was new before start to be normal and essential part of your everyday life. After four years living here you are not lost but found keeping your outsider status. Accepted I could say.
I adore Warsaw. The city reminds me a raped woman who all the time wants to hide her pains and injuries. She is changing her clothes very often meanwhile her core elements from her past stays with her all the time. Like everybody who are living in this city knows her story but they pretend to forget her painful past and look through the shame what happened to her. That is why the city is changing all the time. Restaurants, shops, clubs open and close, you just start to like a place which could be disappear in the next day. I have my own personal picture about Budapest but I have never had the same about Warsaw. When you think you got her face she is already changed a bit.
Once with A. we started to talk about the Polish language. We had already met before that night few times, but that evening was the first when she confirmed we are on a date … or something what is close to it.
- You are living here almost two years. U should speak Polish much better.
- I am just lazy or maybe a linguistic illiterate, don’t you think? That could explain a lot.
- You are just looking for excuses.
I smiled without telling the reason of my joy.
- But your Polish is perfect, isn’t it? - I asked.
- I learned a lot. From the beginning.
- Yeah but I have to say your situation is a bit easier than mine.
- Why exactly? Because I am from Belarus?
- Yeah.
- That is true. These languages are very similar to each other. Was easier I have to admit, but this example not verify your situation.
- I am not looking for excuses, but believe me Hungarian is a fucked up language. At home naturally we are speaking it without realizing for a moment how special we are …
- Special because of the language?
- Special because nobody understand us. Hungary is like an island. If you u are living there you not even realizing, but when you manage to get out from there and when you look back you can see clearly its borders. And you realize something else too. How tiny it is. In a way it is shocking that the world could easily go along without this country. If one day people around the world would get up for a news that Hungary simply does not exist anymore … nothing would change. Absolutely nothing.
- Not really nice thoughts about your country.
- Well maybe I am lazy to learn other languages, but let’s say my country not even pushing me.
- I don’t really understand what you mean …
- You said few minutes ago you made a lot of efforts to integrate an other society. You are coming from Belarus, even you said the life is not really good there.
- That is true...
- You have ambition to crate something better in another place...another life. I just came from Hungary and doing the same here what I did there. Nothing. But at least I can enjoy the nice side of being an outsider and say easily almost everything “this is not my business.”
- I think you are just lazy. But it is a bit terrifying how you accept being lost …
She was right. I think that was the point when both of us thought about this won’t take too long … our so called relationship. She came to Poland many years ago to find safety every part of her life. Meet with a nice guy who is sure about everything, who hates question marks and who does not even know the meaning of being lost existentially. Without doubt I was not this guy.
I met with A. in the office. It started normally with smiles, innocent flirts, later vehement texting to each other. She enjoyed as I do, but our enjoyments were different. From my side was right, to put something excitement in a boring office … and to be honest put something exciting to my life as well. From her side everything was totally different. I could have seen it on her terrified face sometimes. For her our game was kind of banned pleasure. She was careful not to reveal it in front of others. Sometimes she behaved like a nun in some monastery catched up by someone when she was touching herself. Maybe that was the most exiting about her to me. We were like teenagers ready to have our own sexual revolution. We drank wine, get tipsy a bit and went out to the toilet of the bar together to show each other what we have let’s say. She was extremely exceptional but got shy and felt shame when she opened up a bit to me. First I did not understand why she is like this. Much later I think I understood. What was joy, fun and excitement, the normal way of life was for me, for her it was a dangerous path next to the main road where she should have gone. But her curiosity made her to walk on this unknown path. The normal way of life for her the career, manage to get higher positions at work, showing to others she is able do it. To achieve something what she could not have done at home, in Belarus. It was a different ambition what I known and what I had that time. This ambition what I stopped for a moment. I was not a nice guy, but an intruder of her already written life.
She was coming from Belarus. The edge of Europe...how people usually say. Just like when people saying on girls from the East they are the most beautiful. I always hated this proverbs even though their characters are truly different. Polish woman are between the east and west: keeping the distance of it is necessary, keeping their shyness but open for an adventure, open for something what is different. But girls from Ukraine or Belarus not so much. You have to gain their trust, not later, but at the very beginning. If you cannot you will loose however how many times you met. She did not trust me at first I could see on her eyes. Later she even told me.
- It is not your fault. You do not have trustworthy face.
Many time I had the feeling she ashamed what is going on in her country and trying to hide her shame with kind of touristic propaganda. She never talked about politics. Belarus for me was the last dictatorship in Europe with this crazy and chaotic Lukashenko regime, but for her was an interesting country what worth to visit. I had a very good friend from Belarus from the time before I met with A. For her Belarus, her own country was an opportunity to travel around the world, try to find some better place and move there if it is worth. But Belarus kept A. in a prison even here in Warsaw. She kept with herself some unrealistic rules measuring with them her own life. In the summer of 2016 I had a long talk with Andrei Sannikov a former Belorussian politician who actually won the presidential election back to 2010. On the night of the election he and his supporters (thousands of them) went out to the streets in Minsk to protest the election fraud committed by Lukashenko. Among the other candidates hew was brutally beaten and arrested. He spent a year and a half in prison. Everything happened only two years before the Majdan in Ukraine. We could say what happened in Minsk in the year of 2010 was kind of early sign about the serious problems on eastern edge of Europe. Protests were organized around the world demanding Sannikov, his colleagues and other politicians release. Sannikov was free after 16 months and he went to London as a political refugee. Today he is living in Warsaw. Today Europe is silent again about Belarus.
- What the union is doing now it is something what I can understand because of the many crisis today like Brexit, refugees, fractions inside the Union with countries like Poland, Hungary, Czech Republic or Slovakia, the danger of populism. Lot of critical issues inside the Union so simply they do not want to think about Belarus at the moment.
When I asked Sannikov about the prison he did not want to talk about it too much. He said he wrote everything down in his book. But he added in prison you have to think about the worst case and the worst what could happen to you. Because after that it is easier for you to survive and to live. I asked what he meant about the worst case. To die he answered.
- You have to understand how difficult was to make this decision not leave Belarus. I was beaten, I was arrested, imprisoned, I had friends who were killed. But first of all without taking risk you cannot achieve nothing. If you want to active in the opposition you have to face risks. And you also have to understand that you cannot protect yourself from these risks. You have to be convinced what you are doing is the right thing to do and you are on the right side. I was always convinced that I am on the right side. There was no question even though probably I would have a better possibilities than others. I could have gone as an ambassador somewhere or escape with a very comfortable international position. It may sound pathetic, but it is not.
The irony of the history that in Belarus there is a generation grew up under the Lukashenko regime. According to Sannikov even this generation could see the truth. They can travel, study and work abroad, they can choose where to live.
. . .
- Why you did not go to the west like everybody? What the hell are you doing here in Warsaw?
- I could ask the same.
- I am from Belarus...from Belarus Warsaw is the west.
- From Hungary all countries are the west.
- Even Belarus?
- You know being a Hungarian is a special phenomenon. We are isolated so much we are not even realizing how isolated we are. We do not know where is Belarus. We do not know nothing about Europe. That is why the world shows only two faces for us … Hungary and the rest what you can call whatever you want … west or east … it does not matter.
Than I kissed her. Not because I really wanted to kiss her, but to made this subject over for the rest of the night.
- What would you do if you could own all the colours of the world?
- Is it kind of philosophical question? … I am just asking because I am not good to give philosophical answers.
She looked at me not really understand my irony and a bit offended because I did not take her question seriously.
- What do you mean exactly by that?
- U know … all the colours of the world are yours, only you can see and use them meanwhile the world itself would be black and white.
I was thinking. At least pretending to think still not really understand her point with this silly question.
- Well I would be the lord of everything. Having all the colours alone would be a great power for sure so I would use it and choose limited number of people whom I can share what I see.
- Are you serious?
- Just so serious how your question let me to be.
- You would not try to share with all the people without any payment?
- Nope. It is my skill, my power why would I do that for free?
- What if somebody wants to kill you … you know assassinate you?
- I would have great guard in order to defend me.
- Do you think it would work?
- God, I am the Lord of the Colours, one of the most powerful man in the world … maybe I could manage it in a black and white world.
- What if one member of your guard would try to kill you?
- I would organize a trustworthy group.
- How?
I started to lost my patience.
- By the way nice subject … how to assassinate me if I would be the lord of the world. Nice … nice for a date.
- It is not a date.
- If it is not a date you are in danger. In the middle of the night in the middle of Warsaw darkest park … alone … with a guy who u hardly know.
- We are working together.
- Every serial killer has another job.
She was smiling. First time during the evening.
She reminded me the lead character from Konwicki’s novel Bohin. To be honest Tadeusz Konwicki works are one of the biggest discovery for me in Poland. Probably I would have never met with his books if I not coming here. His most famous novels like the Minor Apocalypse and the Polish complex have revealed me much more about Polish people than living among them. Adam Michnik pointed out his importance in Polish literature the best: “Tadeusz Konwicki is a big writer of a small nation. A big witness of the struggle of its own pettiness of the Polish society.” Michnik description suggests only the Poles are able to understand his writings. But it is not really true. His novels are quite actual for Hungarians as well. Konwicki was bigger than his nation. He did not only write about the “Polish complex” but the “Eastern European complex” itself. Reading Konwicki in Hungarian (most of his works have been translated) is the a “Polish rarity” but a painful self-recognition. The “small nations” curse in Eastern Europe their own craziness what shows itself time to time in a form of a crazy nationalism.
But Bohin is a different book among Konwicki’s work. A more personal story about his own great-grandmother in a small village somewhere Belarus who had an affair with a stranger, with a young Jewish boy starting with him the line of the Konwicki family. His description about her was very similar what I thought about A. when we were meeting regularly. A shy girl who wants something more but afraid to live free. Somebody who wants to write ahead her own life not counting with coincidences. For Helena (the main character of Bohin) her village was like a prison. But a chosen one and not a prison from where somebody wants to escape. She did not want to escape. A. left Belarus years ago starting to live a so-called modern life in Warsaw, building herself but sometimes when I am thinking about her I can see her own prison what she is carrying herself. When we were meeting I did not see it. I could not understand her and this failure lead me not to write and meet with her anymore.
„This is the way how my great-grandmother spent this day in a Lithuanian, but more Belorussian village. A holiday in a land at the back of beyond, a land about nobody heard. Where the minutes like the hours and the hours like the weeks. Where the women die in the same spot where they were born.”
This was A.
A young girl far from home but carrying the “spot of her birth” for her own future.
Once she was telling about me why we always lie to each other when we speak in English … the only common language what we have.
- You are a different person when you not talking about your own language, did not you know that?
- Mostly I am talking English here. Do you mean I am a different person living here in Warsaw?
- I think yes … Tell me something in Hungarian, let’s see who you really are.
- You won’t understand even a word.
- I know. That is all right.
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Everything is making me uncertain about everything else
My band is stressing me out. My guitarist is overly ambitious, unrealistic, and impatient. My drummer has no patience for my guitarist and is very dramatic and controlling. They're my best friends so I'm not being mean, I'm just being honest. They both want to make it in music but neither have realistic vision for the band. The only tangible ambition I have for myself is to stay in music, and my band is not making that easy right now. Outside of music, I'd love to meet someone but I'm too damn awkward. As of late both of my roommates have gotten girlfriends, and it's reminded me how nice it is, and how lonely I am. Everybody I know has had some level of relationship since we moved out here 4 years ago but I have done literally nothing in that department. Not that it's a race, I just think about it a lot and get nothing done. The more anybody talks about it, the further I recede into my shell, and the less realistic it seems. I feel like I'm just watching everybody else through a window. I know I need to focus, and prioritize.
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You do not have to be a fortune teller to have the ability to predict an individual’s future. Merely ask him “What’s your life’s ambition and the way are you going to attain it?” Most individuals will fumble for a solution. A response alongside the strains of: “I need to make some huge cash and be well-known” tells you that this particular person has no particular, actionable plans for his or her lifetime. They’re due to this fact destined to not be a excessive achiever. That’s, till they arrange their considering – and begin to plan their future. To perform something substantial, it’s a must to be very exact about what it’s you need to obtain, then devise a workable plan to attain it. Merely eager to “make a very good revenue” and “achieve success” is simply too common. That you must assume lengthy and arduous about what you really need. That you must be particular. Your future, and your loved ones’s future, may be the whole lot that you really want it to be. Simply be lifelike – we’re all restricted by time and the legal guidelines of physics. However inside these confines, something which you really need, and might formulate a workable plan to attain – is feasible. In case you have a look at excessive achievers from everywhere in the world, you may see similarities. They knew what they needed and labored in direction of it. All of them had a purpose. A selected vacation spot. And a plan to achieve it. As a result of most of us are lazy and vulnerable to procrastination, and not using a robust ambition in life, we won’t summon up the drive to get previous the limiting instincts which incline us to do nothing. A really particular psychological image of what we would like can overcome our pure tendency to observe the lazy route. In case you’re not sure as to what you really need, attempt to think about your self in a few years to return, if you end up a lot older, wanting again in your life. What would you need to be happy with? And what would you need to be remembered for? Visualization means that you can expertise, in a digital method, what life can be like if you happen to achieved your ambition. Upon getting clearly articulated your ambition – write it down. Till you get it written down, it is not more than a want. Preserve your written purpose the place you may see it – however initally at the very least, watch out who you share it with. You don’t need unfavourable feedback to make you doubt your ambition at this stage. Actually not till you’ve got had an opportunity to formulate your plan, to foresee the possible pitfalls and discover options. Earlier than you reveal your ambition to anybody else, write out why you need it, what it is going to imply to you and the way a lot effort you’re ready to place in to see it occur. In case you needed to write a marketing strategy to take to the financial institution to “promote” your concept, you’d must be fairly organized. Effectively, that is each bit as necessary. Why? As a result of it’s worthwhile to look at each facet of your ambition to make sure that 1) it truly is what you need and 2) that you’ve got the fervour for this factor to see you thru the lengthy haul. As soon as you’re satisfied in your individual thoughts that that is what you need, and it is achievable, you may stand up to a little bit of criticism. Till then, do not danger the hazard of a reducing comment inflicting you to place the thought to at least one facet. A phrase of warning – an ailing thought out life ambition could make you depressing. In case you are unrealistic in your life’s ambition, you danger losing all of your effort and time, alienating buddies, even destroying relationships. It’s a must to make sure that your most important ambition is suitable together with your long-term view of the life you need. However with a nicely constructed ambition, you may be amazed at how a lot momentum you may create. When you get going, the identical pressure of inertia which held you again initially will guarantee your persevering with progress. That is the factor about inertia – it retains you doing what you are already doing. Reaching your first ambition will lead on to greater and higher ambitions. You see, there’s nothing limiting about having ambition. However you do want a continuing impetus in direction of your final purpose. Look past what you’re presently engaged in and formulate a 5 yr, 10 yr, possibly even a 20 yr plan. Then get to work! Bradford Massage Therapy | Holly Rose Massage Swedish MassageSports MassageDeep Tissue MassagePrenatal MassageAromatherapyTrigger Point Therapy The post What Is Your Ambition In Life? appeared first on Holly Rose Massage. http://ift.tt/2fBSloa
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