#and you are on so many pain meds
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My mom, two days off a hemorrhagic stroke: It’s frustrating because I keep forgetting where the correct buttons are and the screen makes my headache worse, but I did manage to send six work emails this morning, arranged a discussion on the website redesign, moved that talk with the associate dean about my job title to Zoom--
#medical#personal#hi if i'm either much more on or much more off tumblr for a bit this is why#anyway i am beyond thrilled she’s doing so well but ma’am#ma’am you are getting visions of pinwheels behind your eyes every time someone has to turn on a light#and a splitting headache after#and you are on so many pain meds#please just get some rest#if you have to send emails at least let me type them for you#god she's stubborn i love her so much#fleet post
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ok lemme talk about somethin real quick
The way the ibuprofen tablet I take has this imprint on the pill’ says “1-2” on it. Now why would I comply to that. bitch you know damn well im not taking 1-2. I’m a 3-4 girl at least and will continue to be that girl forever as I am in an amount of pain in which 1-2 pills will not adequately do shit for. Like all the time lmao.
Something that really unsettled me about it is this- how can you assume that any dosage is the right one for everyone.. to the point of literally imprinting it on the pill? Meds affect people differently and to generalize a single dosage like that feels dangerous to me. That’s kind of basic fucking common knowledge…especially for those who work in these fields and distribute these medications
#signed your local Ibuprophet#rant incoming:#actually this post essentially is a rant so.. rant continued:#the fda is lacking#1-2 doesn’t work bitch!! not when you’re me lol#yes I know it’s imprinted to avoid cases of overdose or damage to the body from someone taking too many but still..#ibuprofen#OTC#OTC pain meds#pain meds#Forever of course meaning until I spontaneously combust immediately after taking ibuprofen for the 31st day in a row#NSAIDs#over the counter#medications#medical#chronic pain#body pain#advil#Motrin#what y’all want us to do?#genuine question.. what happens to the people-of whom there are TONS- that have chronic pain which lasts obviously for more than a month?#Like k been a month of ibuprofen better go buy some heroin#girl… (girl means pharma I suppose in this context hagsgsgsgs)#girl you try having the body pain weakness atrophy strains aches and pains of an 86 year old in a 25 year old body#Then try to tell me to take 1-2. B-I- C-T-H#rant#upload#mine
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i, chronic migraine sufferer, when i dont have a migraine for a couple days will go. wow i think i am fixed now and will never have a migraine again :) and then i get a migraine and i go >:O however could this happen to me!!! nobody could see this coming!! least of all me!!
#this time it for some reason also brought with it a HIP PAIN FLAREUP. URGH#to be clear theyre not CONFIRMED chronic - theres criteria for how many days a month you have to have them etc - but like#with how often i have them and how severe they are i am willing to call them that even before ive counted this entire month#its EIGHT days out of the month. EIGHT. thats NOTHING#(and fifteen with headaches. but i have headaches every single day so)#z talks#I am in so much fucking pain its not even funny#really i should like. get off my phone. but i think im afraid to let go of the distraction mayhe#jesus fucming christ#waugh. someone care for me 😔 kiss my forehead nbring me. medication#if youve gone on 2 dates with someone. can you. ask them to get you pain meds. (i would pay obviously.) she is my closest friend in this Fuc#king Cit#y
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(Going insane boinkinh one AU in my head)
Hey hey hey
May I interest you in
(Slowly slides my FaaF AU towards you but void just Disappears without a trace one day before the accolade)
Teehee
#thylacines can talk#faaf au#i love this au very yummy. a very fun twist on how Flower's dynamic with their parents would progress afterwards#the vessels live but the void exits their bodies in quite a violent manner (extreme pain and literally throwing up an entire person worth of#void). Flower was on guard duty and theyre found barely conscious in a pool of rapidly evaporating void. passes out seconds later#PK also had the displeasure of experiencing extene pain and burning as void forced its way out through his skin <3 And his moulds all melted#and evaporated. after the initial shock wears off theyre hit with “Oh No#the vessel“ and rush to find them. Well somebody else was already looking for the royal pair about this#Flower wakes up dazed and in pain in their father's workshop. their stomach hurts their throat burns and they feel lightheaded. the entire#place is considerably brighter than they remember and in they can hear two faint voices in the background but theyre too preoccupied with#examining their now pure white hand in shock to focus on anything else. until they hear their mother say “My wyrm they're awake” and#suddenly their parents are by their side. Now the two have no idea what void leaving their body might have done to them. Are they still#hollow? are they still dead? do they understand anything are they sentient? or was what was done pernament even without the void? do they#have the mind of a child if their sentience was restored? or do they remember anything? So WL stays by their side and helps them sit up#while their father goes to grab his tools. She's trying to keep them calm and comfort them but theyre still too disoriented to pay her much#attention. Until their father checks their breathing and they yelp audibly from the cool metal contacting their skin and suddenly they seem#much more alert. theyve never experienced true coldness before. PK quickly apologises and tries to be gentler with them. Theyre breathing#properly and they have a heartbeat. And he just pauses for a long while just. listening to their heart beating. Many emotions to be had#after the exam's over he asks them point blank how theyre feeling. And Flower looks up at him still seeming a little disoriented. and then#they lower their hand to their stomach and mutter 'My tummy hurts...a-and my throat burns'. It's to be expected after the way the void#left their body. so he goes to grab them some water and meds and they also ask for food and a mirror. And after he returns they just stare#at themself in the mirror and pull on their bangs for a while then blurt out 'I have your eyes' when PK asks if everything's okay. And he#and he almost chokes up as he replies 'Yeah...Yeah you do'. Flower eventually spins a lie that they remember everything but its all distant#and blurry. Like they were not aware until now. They figured it'd be better to not break their hearts#And now the three have to figure out how to be a family while PK is also scrambling to find a new solution to the infection#oops i meant to only give a brief rundown in the tags which is why it was in the tags. but i got too invested KDHDKFB
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Having demand avoidance in a medical setting is literally hell. Like, patient autonomy is already absolute ass. It's only made worse when doctors CONSISTENTLY tell you what to do and act like you HAVE to do it instead of consulting with you first like normal fucking people.
#also “”“”medical necessity“”“” is NOT an excuse here.#ive been to plenty of doctors that thoroughly discuss a range/timeline of treatment and explain it IN DETAIL before saying “thats what i-#-recommend“ instead of just going ”okay were gonna do this. im gonna explain the prep to you a mile a minute and if you have any follow up-#-questions im just gonna repeat part of my spiel with no clarification. and if i cant answer your questions too bad :)“#not to mention how many doctors just force you to do things that WILL NEVER WORK#like one therapist tried forcing me to do emdr when i was only IN HER TOWN for the summer and i had no internet access when i was at college#im pretty sure emdr takes several weeks to work and i did not have that kind of time available to me. i couldnt just drop out bc of ptsd.#also the number of times ive had to decline an ESI is stupid. I've already had 2! they didn't work! i had a bad reaction to the meds!#why am i being forced to do it again?#also back surgery. i cant do that because i am a white trash rural kid and our home (which we built ourselves) CANNOT be accessible enough#for spinal surgery recovery. but i went to the surgeon and he was like “thats valid! and also surgery literally wouldnt help you so idk why-#-they sent you here.“ : l It's cool to be right all the time lol#its like. no wonder i developed medical demand avoidance after so much traumatizing and malpracticy bullshit in my life#demand avoidance#medical demand avoidance#chronic illness burnout#chronic illness#chronic pain#medical tw#ptsd#disability#medical neglect#medical trauma#vent#this might be too personal. if i do delete it ill have it rb'd on my boar-deer-whitetrashbutterfly blog first#idk i just havent really been able to find anyone else talking about this specific effect of being chronically ill/disabled.
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healing from brain damage is definitely the worst injury ive ever had to heal from so far 😞 this shit is so difficult yall
#tiny bit of my long med history for context:#i have broken my collarbone#i have had my face mauled by a dog where i had to Literally Physically tear it off my face#it locked its jaw around my nose and upper lip#i got like 10 stitches and they had to super glue my nose back together#but uhhhhhh#i got a concussion as a kid that went untreated because our healthcare system is so underfunded and understaffed#and that turned into what the doctors call ''functional nausea and vomiting disorder''#then on monday i got another concussion at work#and holy shit.#second-impact syndrome is a BITCH#im in so much pain if i use my brain at all#hey other dissociative people: you've dissociated from your body but have you ever had to dissociate from your brain?#or is this what being forcefully locked at the front and locked out of headspace feels like?#i think this might be worse though because i cant think at allllllllllllllllllllll#i get delirious if i try 😔#this is so hard#i sobbed in the shower over it for like 30 minutes today lol#i had to sit down in the middle of my shower and it was so hard yall#im trying to hard not to spiral#being vulnerable and putting this on my main instead of hiding it on one of my many many sideblogs#(jsyk if youve read this far then youre allowed to ask me what my active sideblogs are. dms and asks are open)#(@queerlyneurotic is one of my vents and where i usually put sad shit. you get a freebie for reading this.)
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good news, bad news.
good news is that my mom is released from the hospital on friday!
bad news is that i'm on day five of recurring migraine, and can't make it there in time to help. like, i would have needed to do preparations these past five days to be able to go.
truly wretched, how disability affects your ability to help loved ones, huh
#tho on the other hand#at least this way mom is hopefully less inclined to try and go downstairs against doctor's orders#utterly unstoppable#meanwhile i'm here and my whole nervous system has been whisked up and made into egg drop soup#five days is such a long time. so many tasks need to get done#i tried to do chores you know? but it just made the pain spike through the meds#gahh#im also so bored. need to find smth to Consume#currently debating rewatching an elden ring letsplay or a d20 season
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They simply must invent a medication to prescribe me that fucking does it's goddamn job
#WHO AMONG YOU HAS THE BRAVERY TO PRESCRIBE ME VICODIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!#i miss vicodin so much.#drs r crazy#awwww you have debilitating chronic pain that requires surgery and u have tried multiple chiros and pts and acupuncturists and the muscle#relaxers did nothing and ur taking as many otc painkillers as u can? that rly sucks :( nothing more to do...#KILL YOURSELVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#what i'm rly mad abt rn is my stupid fucking anti-depressant and insomnia med. i think my psychiatrist is a stupid bitch and maybe i should#get a new one. useless woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!#personal log#logged#vibes
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finally processing that we're probably gonna have to have these teeth removed with either sedation or general anaesthetic and unfortunately I have a phobia of both of these to the point where just thinking about it gives us panic attacks and I genuinely don't know what to do because I absolutely want to avoid this at all costs but we also might not have any other option
#personal#thoughts#🍬 post#vent post#there is no amount of comfort or reassurance that can make me feel okay being sedated#like it's not even that I'm scared of side effects or risks or anything#I just can't even begin to express how much I absolutely do not want someone giving me a drug that's going to make me drowsy and incoherent#and also not remember anything afterwards#the premise of a stranger giving me a drug that's going to fuck up my ability to process anything or remember any of what happened#feels so incredibly violating and awful#like yes it's a medical context. yes I know it's so they can do the treatment. yes I know I'm supposed to trust them or whatever#but our brain doesn't process it like that. it's a stranger drugging you. that's terrifying regardless of the context#and given how much medical trauma we have and how awful some medical professionals have been to us#it happening in a medical context actually makes me feel worse#once again I'm not even necessarily scared of anything bad happening#even if you could absolutely guarantee that nothing bad would happen I would not be okay with it in the slightest#it's specifically the idea of my consciousness not being under my control#I take co-codamol for pain and that can make me drowsy and incoherent and fuck up my memory#but that's me choosing when to take it and how much to take and being able to stay away from people if I feel like I need to#and being able to make notes about what I've done and stuff like that#and there's a huge difference between that and being in a clinic having a procedure where you can't just get up and leave#and someone else is administering the meds and choosing the dosage and you're not the one in control of this situation#this makes me sound like a control freak and yeah I probably am#but that's kind of what haappens when you've had your bodily autonomy violated so many times by so many people
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Me: The migraines are getting better! :D
The Migraines: No the fuck we are not
Me, in pain: They’re. Getting. Better.
The Migraines: Suffer
Me: If I say it enough, it'll be true
#shit post#almoat 800 people are following me you all get to suffer for it :D#no but I have migraines every day#i wake up with them consistently#after an hour or two they go away for a bit#usually after Ive been awake 5 hours they come back#I can only take so many different OTC headache meds before it becomes dangerous#like#I already gave myself ulcers because of it#which#seriously ulcers dont even register on my pain scale i didnt even know I had them#the migraines arent my only issue just the one people have the easiest time understanding typically#theres also the light headedness#the near fainting sometimes when I wake up and move#the consistent nausea thats been around so long my hunger cues are permanently fucked up#the concerning weakness and general aches everywhere#BUT#my migraines dont feel AS BAD as they did over the weekend#SO THATS GOOD#its hurts rn though but it waited awhile to get to 'my skull is slowly fracturing' level so im proud of my body#also dont tell me to drink water I drink more water in a day than my entire generation does in a week im VERY hydrated
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#personal#lmao around this time last year i decided to give up on him n LMAO girl if only you knew#i should have just talked to him but djdjjdjdjd idk it felt weird. but he even like. complained one time that we didnt talk all summer#like LMAO..... bro its two ways. u could have messaged me too xjdjjdjdjdj#tho to be fair i think he did show up to a dinner but i wasnt there bc i had just had wisdom tooth surgery n was 1. blown up like a balloon#and 2. so high on pain meds i couldnt function JFJDJJDJDJDJDJ#n e way whatever jdjdjdjd im just laughing at myself bc how did this man become my closest friend from college Zhfnnddnnd#our relationship is so weird. not in a bad way but in an unexpected way#we sat beside each other an entire semester n never talked til the last day like thats so FUNNY IDK#i even said to him that time. bc we were talkin in the hallway n went to sit for the exam n sat in our regular spots of being one seat awa#y and i was like... you know its so funny that we sat beside each other all semester and only talked today#and he was like.... hahha yeah#i was gonna introduce myself but it felt so stupid JDJJDJDJD#i didnt even know his name LMAO#i had him narrowed down to 2 names. bc he was one of like 2 guys that Always showed up in another class' zoom#and LOL i was right. he WAS one of those 2 shjdjsjsj#n e way. then the next sem came n i didnt know whether to say hi to him or not bc we talked ONCE#and i was still wearing my mask at this point and so id try to smile at him with my eyes but never got a response HDNJDJD and so i got soooo#annoyed with him. and even more so bc i kept making friends with ppl and they KNEW HIM??? and i was like WHO IS THIS????#then one time he came up to me n my friends before class n we just talked and i was like o lmao this annoyance im having??? its a big ole#crush BDNNDNDND#and in community college its hard to like. know ppls ages and that day i found out he was 2 years younger so i was like o ok 26 n 28 isnt#bad at all#but thinking back.... first things we exchanged that time was age and i think he was also trying to fish for whether i was single bc he was#talkin about this other guy havin a baby n a wife n i was like o wow !! i didnt know!!#jdjxjdjdjdk god when he found out my age he was like... oh i never would have guessed you were older. you look young ZFHJDJDJDJDJD#oh so you were Looking is that right HJXJXJXJZJZJ GOD LMAO#i look back on so many moments n im like oh duh... he must be interested#but for me its like. i will literally more easily believe literally any other theory so i thought he just liked one of my friends Zhjxjx#ya i dont think so anymorem but i thought that up until like mid january HDHXJJXJDDJJDJ
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I think I should get medicated for my adhd/depression not cause it’s like detrimental to my mental health or anything. I just wanna be able to model all of Luna Nova into Minecraft
#I can do it#if I can focus#and if I don’t rot my days away in bed#i am currently avoiding homework to write this post#soup talks#also yall look at project Luna nova recently???? it looks so good!!!#they are my goal#my proudest achievement is not my cit pack. it’s sending them so many screenshots#it’s not up for download yet. but you best believe no one will hear from me for Days after it release#I wonder if I could beta test for them. I have a headset. I’m in their discord as some sort of helper role#ooh I’m a collaborator!!#yeah. I should see one day when I’m not going thru it#omg. yall. i was in the er yesterday (totally fine now)#I’m 99% sure my appendix was trying to explode#but I had to go in to make sure it wasn’t. cause that’s really bad and all. they gave me pain meds ran some tests#I’m not anemic found out. all my labs came back normal#I’m genuinely convinced it’s from stress. I think my appendix tried to abandon ship due to stress#they sent me home. said I was fine. come back if the pain came back. it hasn’t. I guess I’m fine!#hell of a day tho#anyways. I guess I should go focus
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I neeeeeeed to get more energyyyyyyy
#im sorry to the many friends who i have just completely fuckin ghosted for MONTHS#im waiting on getting a spinal cord stimulator which will hopefully reduce my pain#and in the meantime my meds are staggared weird because theres been shortages#so i havent been able to manage my pain#and thus i am Dead In Bed 24/7#but i love you i miss you and i promise im workin on it
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there’s so much i wanna do this week/month/etc but i’m just too sick, i have no energy, i can’t sleep, i’m constantly nauseous and headachey and on the verge of a migraine, i’m stressed and irritable and impatient and panicky…….how tf did i survive nearly 5 years of high school untreated if i can’t even manage this when i don’t have any major obligations rn
#at least i finally got my meds so hopefully i feel a little better soon#although i’m now on 20 pills per day which is Just Great#whenever i’m in remission it’s nice to just. forget sometimes that this can happen at any time#kinda wish i had the typical kinda chronic illness that people talk about with ‘flares’#or at least triggers that i can plan around#the other times have all had an easily identifiable stressor tho tbf. idk what caused this one#the first time was whooping cough and the next few were all very major life stressors like my cat dying right after i started uni#and i think also towards the end of my honours thesis?#but this…….there’s no major stress right now. nothing wildly beyond normal#i’m a little concerned about my joints tho. they’ve been so much worse than normal the last few months#so i’m kinda worried i’m developing rheumatoid arthritis (also an autoimmune disease and it runs in the family specifically)#so if that’s happening then it could set my thyroid off? probably should get to the doctor at some point#obv i’m seeing my endo for thyroid stuff. but i should see my gp and get her to run all the autoimmune blood tests again#i’ve done that before but it’s been a few years and my ankles and knees are so painful i can’t even walk properly a lot of the time#BUT I JUST WANNA DO THINGS I ENJOY AND I CANT AND I WILL CONTINUE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT IT#‘oh you’re so lucky you don’t have as many obligations because you’re chronically ill’ ha ha ha please swap lives with me immediately#personal#but seriously. i wasn’t diagnosed until i was nearly 17 and we can trace it back to whooping cough when i was 12#so it was the last half of year 6 and then all of years 7-10 and the start of year 11 of just being. uh. ‘very lazy and complaining a lot’#and TEACHERS joking about me and my sister (who was dealing with an arguably more severe undiagnosed disease) missing so many classes#wow so funny pdhpe teacher who’s supposed to be teaching is about health#and the thing with being a mentally ill teenager is that hyperthyroidism can just look like a very severe anxiety disorder#so i didn’t go to the dr until i was too sick to go to school at all. and luckily had a good dr who did a blood test#i’m just rambling now because i can’t sleep and i don’t wanna lie here doing nothing#might go play pvz or something. that’s been keeping me entertained
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homestuck fans when theres no rhyme or reason to the trickster designs and its literally just a jumbled mess of hideous colors and vague candy themes which means theres no consistency to analyze to help with making fan designs
#now imagine if you will a very distraught face. because i cant be bothered adding an image#ANYWAYSSSSSSS i wanted 2 try making one but god its just so hard bc theres so many fucking colors and i suck at coloring anyway#i tried analyzing them to the best of my abilities to see if there was any consistency i could go off of......... but no theres Nothing#the only thing is that their cheek swirls are the same color as their pestechum colors. and thats it#even the outfits are different it seems to be slightly altered versions of their original outfits?#like roxy was wearing her purple knit dress when she got bonked but it was still her original outfit afterwards#their hair colors dont make sense their shoe colors dont make sense their head ornaments make a LITTLE sense..........#jakes and dirks are the most obvious. pumpkin and orange soda its like their thing i guess#janes being a muffin makes sense cuz crockercorp baker etc etc#roxys makes the least sense...... i dont think there was ever any mention of cotton candy for her aside from when caliborn wanted his weird#smut to be color coordinated for whatever reason#whenever i make otufits its usually just varying shades of the same 3 or so colors so trickster designs are a nightmare#even my old trickster mode trollsona was like. 3 colors total LOL#not to mention i wanted to make this design for my trollsona. and we only ever saw humans in trickster mode#and looking at older fanart didnt help cuz everyone had decided unanimously that the canon designs sucked ass (they did)#and in the future we should all give each character a food or somthing similar to base the whole design off of (good decision)#blehh. i give up its too much of a pain-_-#anyway. maybe i really am sick i think i need to lay down#already slept literally all day but im still so tired..........#i took painkillers and allergy meds in case of cat hair on bed but i still feel groggy as fuck#well whatever. itll probably go away soon i never really stay sick for long
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Whelp I dont think I'm getting my meds (or any mail) today :/
#marquilla#she's like 8 hours late... i dont think she's coming....#mr krabs ringing that bell: DAY 9 LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 9!!!!#my skin feels like it's gonna scrape itself off my body in one big slough#i was out in the rain twice today and my skin burned so bad when it touched me i wanted to scream#i did have 'good' moments today pain wise today but uh id like me meds... please#gonna have to fucking drive to the goddamn pharmacy (hour one way) to get a new fill if it doesnt get here by Tuesday#bc i called LAST tuesday... bitch..........#im glad it wasnt my mental health meds but like.... this pain is affecting my mh sgdgdgdgdg but withdrawl from mh meds is dangerous#and painful... like in many ways 😬#hey ill pay one of yall to peel my skin off me#$100 but if you can get it all in one piece and make a skin suit ill give you $500#my tolerance for bullshit is low and baldy is lucky he didnt say the 'idk who told you to use clear totes' to newlady and not me bc i#would have SCREAMED id have to have had laughed as i said it so it seemed like i was pointing it out as ironic and funny oopsie!#but i really mean it in a 'how are you this fucking stupid at your job... how'#i was getting real creative with my insults ab him today sgdgdgdgdg
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