ted lasso, post-finale thoughts.

I went into the finale thinking yeah, if the writing serves, I can accept any outcome even if it's not exactly what I want. Instead, I was hit with a plethora of mixed emotions I didn't expect to have. Confusion, anger, hurt, annoyance, small bursts of joy in between, and just deep sadness. Almost 20 hours later and I'm still incredibly dissatisfied and processing. For the most part, finales should provide a feeling of celebration and relief. I... don't feel any of that.

I'm just really trying to pinpoint why I'm so sad.

Of course everything inevitably has to come to an end. Of course Ted was always going to reunite with his kid. Of course it's not about winning or losing. Of course Tedbecca can remain platonic if that was always the plan. Of course that's the way life goes, but...

For a show (and this season particularly) that constantly encouraged us to 'believe' and 'hope' in the idea that 'everything will work out', all those 75 minutes did was take me on an unsettling, emotional journey for no concrete reason other than to mess with the audience (the opening scene was just adding salt in the Tedbecca wound I've had since S2). Because everything in a macro sense, "worked out". But the WAY it "worked out" does not sit well with me?? And it's supposed to? For a lot of people (on Reddit/Facebook, lol), it was enough?? Richmond not technically winning and Ted leaving like that without so much as a tear? What am I missing??

When I tell you I'm trying to embrace the good parts, I'm really trying. Yes to KBPR & the women's team, Yes to Colin kissing his fella, Yes to Rebecca & Mae & the guys owning the club, Yes to Roy becoming Manager.

So... why am I still so upset? Hmm, let's see.

The boys' musical number? The cutest. Ted didn't think so.

Nate's apology? Heartbreaking. Ted didn't bat an eyelash.

Rebecca begging twice for Ted to stay? Ted, absolute silence.

Beard staying/getting married in London to his toxic gf? Comic relief, haha, fine. Except Ted wasn't there as Best Man.

Don't even get me started on the huge disservice to the Roy/Keeley/Jamie triangle.

Now listen, I get that he misses Henry & Henry misses his dad. I'm not that cold. A father/son's love is important. It was always the catalyst for this show; for him to work on himself so he can be a better father unlike the one he grew up with. That's fine.

But on this particular week. His last week with his Richmond family. There was NO sense of him being sad to leave them. He can be sad about missing Henry but he can ALSO be sad about leaving. No, he just completely checked out. He let everyone pour out their hearts (Hannah's getting her third Emmy, mark my words) to him, and he just stone-faced the entire time.

THIS DOES NOT MAKE ANY SENSE TO ME.

The argument is that he was internally processing, he was overwhelmed, he was trying to distance himself so it would hurt less. Fair points, okay. But this is a television show, moreover, A FINALE. TV characters, while relatable, are heightened versions of ourselves, there so we can better process our emotions and learn to handle things better in our real lives. Ted deserved MORE dialogue and displaying MORE emotion than whatever this was.

We're never going to see him again. We're over here crying along with Rebecca, Nate & Beard, but he didn't sob once. Even though he spent three years building a family with them. I even thought, hey at least he left his legacy with Trent's book but newsflash, he wanted his name taken off that too! Complete erasure.

I just feel so robbed of better moments. Like there were nice moments here and there. But they could've been BETTER. Honestly, Nate & Rebecca's breakdowns were close to perfection, so much love there. But the lack of dialogue and Ted not reciprocating? Broke ME.

I just cannot. understand. this. choice.

Massive sigh. I'm just truly baffled by the way everything wrapped up and not getting the satisfied feeling that one half of the viewership got. Maybe I'm in the minority, but that means something. It carries weight. Also, for a "three-season arc" that was planned well in advance, why all the rewrites and parallels and fakeouts... it's just cruel. But as the theme says (and maybe this was a warning all along), yeah, I guess this might well be it.

This show has given us so much and the last season flailed for the most part. I don't want to disrespect the show by being negative and cynical (looks like I failed!!) or cast blame on anyone in particular. The cast/crew are amazing people and I'll be grateful for being a part of the journey but I'm just so sad and this feeling sucks and I will never get over it.

Going to miss them. x

WE WERE ONE – K. MBAPPÉ.

summary: the frustration of what was at some point but not anymore.

note: based on the song "Uno los dos" by Miranda! (it's literally the lyrics but in english lol)

Leave it at that, my love.

I don't want any more excuses, please.

What used to be dates planned weeks in advance became texts between us apologizing to each other because an unforeseen event came up and we can't make it, promising to make it up. But it never happened.

How long have we been one?

They ask me and you answer.

I don't understand, for the rest of the people we were really soul mates, we knew each other as well as ourself. Always thinking the same, doing the same things, laughing at the same jokes.

"We are perfect for each other" you used to say when we both said the same thing at the same time. But painfully it was just that, the sentence you told me as a joke, instead of fact.

And it's that you, it wasn't you without me, no

You were nothing and I didn't exist without your company.

I think you know well that little by little we began to depend on each other, at first it was cute the way we both needed each other to do something, but then it just got insane for us.

Heart, give me some reason.

We have lost personality in this relationship.

And as much as we knew how much it hurt ourselves, we weren't willing to accept the situation between us and how bad everything was. We refused to accept that us no longer has a solution, and that we are no longer ourselves, not even a little.

Tonight I will cry so much for you that I will let you go.

I will wipe away with tears all the blood that has flowed here.

But the two of us always knew that our attempt to ignore the mess within us was going to be in vain. Ours no longer worked, we were no longer a team, I didn't work on my own and you didn't work on yours.

The CD we had compiled with us in mind, yesterday was my favorite record and today is the saddest thing I heard.

Although as much as I try over and over again, you and I know that ours is going to be very difficult to erase from our minds, we have so many of our things. We even had songs, remember? The first I chose, the second you and so on. Yesterday I listened to them again. And I cried.

Today, for the first time, I will confess to you

that it is hard for me to leave us

and that I don't know how long I will take to get used to it.

I also admit that sometimes I like to think that we tried it again and that this time it does work, but as much as it pains me to admit it, that is not possible. Although I prefer to think about the remote idea of ​​a "we" than the fact that we are no longer. I need to get used to that.

I was never dependent on me, rather I was on you.

You gave yourself in love to the game

and although it hasn't been bad at all,

I want to escape,

let's recover our freedom.

We had beautiful moments together, remember? Sometimes I wish we could have done things differently, we could have had it all. But things happened the way they did and it sure was for a reason, we weren't ready, and we still aren't.

We spent entire nights listening to our CD, at times I only heard your passion

but now that you tell me this, I must admit that I want to be myself again, I no longer remember what I was like yesterday.

You told me that you got used to me and I to you, that eventually we got tired but we depended on each other to be okay. We love each other, ours was nice, but we must let go. And you were right.

I swear I don't, I don't hold a grudge against you, I just want to go back to being that girl I once introduced you to.

It's good that we reacted in time, don't you think? We're not quite lost yet, you go back to being you and I go back to being me. It's sad that we became each other's ideal type, I feel like I don't know you. And you don't know me either.

The CD we had compiled with us in mind, yesterday was my favorite record and today is the saddest thing I heard.

But honestly the saddest thing I heard was your goodbye when you left, and with this letter I part with you, Ky.

Okay while i dont think that they are extremely rich, i do think their networth is well over a couple million, mainly just bc there is no way their house is worth less than a million pounds. A house like that? In london? It would not be cheap. Like they dont earn enough to live off it for the rest of their lives, but i also would not say they were struggling by any means. I mean they were able to go 5 years without many significant career endeavors and buy a house during it.

Oh yeah they aren't struggling whatsoever, they are one of the "successful" YouTubers, and they've had more steady income from other sources too, like the radio show. These guys very much are middle class (hence them making bougie jokes- bougie has always referred to middle class), being able to afford a house and all. But that's basically the point of that post, that people who aren't constantly financially struggling and people who have disposable income aren't the same as quote unquote "rich" people.

We're talking in terms of class analysis, yeah? The category of "rich" when used in such phrases as 'eat the rich' is convenient insofar as it helps us categorise the people for whose benefit a capitalist system works, whose interests are being taken into account when making policy, and who horde resources and mooch off of the labour of others. When we're just joking amongst ourselves it's understood what you mean when you call your middle class friends rich, or when you call YouTubers of this status rich (and again, they aren't even like Mr Beast levels of rich, who in turn isn't Hollywood A-listers level rich, who in turn aren't capitalist pig Bezzos level rich). But with a lot of people getting more involved in online activism these concepts are getting blurred and our perceptions of class are affected.

So while I've seen no one from like, our fandom do this, I've seen this happen to other YouTubers (and a friend and I were just talking about it today so it was on my mind) where people who haven't taken the time to understand class divides very well think that internet celebrities are genuinely hand to heart rich rich. On the same level as rich when we say the ruling class the elite the exploitative rich class. Except they aren't. They're middle class and upper middle class people. Even the millionaires amongst them are a far far cry from billionaires (we've seen the graphics explaining the massive difference between a million and a billion of course). And that skewed idea of "disposable income/being able to afford a house or good phone or bathtub or [insert item associated with Richness] means that this person is Rich" becomes dangerous when applied to clear political action in terms of class divide. Because then we're viewing these YouTubers as being the class that has their interests taken care of and are the ones exploiting people, rather than industry workers who are getting exploited by companies like YouTube.

And people very much are taking it too far, like that person who said John Boyega can't talk about class struggles and exploitation because he's also 'the rich'. He isn't. And these YouTubers aren't either but skewed ideas of what wealth looks like drives online hordes to view the wrong people as the enemy or as the exploitative class.

When talking about "the rich" we should be thinking about the capitalists. Blurring these classes is an issue precisely because people online are now engaging with artists and creators with great contempt, entitlement, and misdirected "eat the rich seize their resources" calls to action.

Btw not at all saying you should stop making jokes about them being rich lol, that's again, something we understand as "they have monies now" amongst ourselves. It's more to understand and know how to counter any misdirected rage of the sort we've seen lot of other internet celebrities and actors face. Idk how clear I've made this but feel free to follow up with me!

I am stabilizing!! I feel much better, still just tender and raw and tired, but I think the tired is partly from upping my lamotrigine. Of course feeling better = wondering, since the episode was so short, if it was really happening at all. But, I know it was, so I will try to set that kind of thinking aside.

I had the big quarterly meeting yesterday where I had to give the update on the project that sent me over the edge. Right up to the presentation I was messaging with my work group, and finally had this great idea of "maybe it's not a whole new data model, maybe it's just a code library of templates for how to pull this kind of data on an ad hoc basis in the future" which is much more manageable and actually in our wheelhouse.

So, I did the presentation, and as part of it I spoke candidly and extemporaneously about what has been so difficult and frustrating about this project. I said "On this team, we've been trailblazers - we didn't know anything about setting up a data model in GCP, so we had to teach ourselves. We had this bottleneck with engineering not doing our merge requests, so we learned how to do that. And so we've had this mentality of 'we can teach ourselves to do anything' --" at which time, boss's boss broke in with "of course we can!" sort of tongue in cheek but also sort of not! And so I said "Right - so, that's been the attitude, but this project is bumping up against the limits of what we're able to learn on our own, without formal training as data engineers."

And he really respected that! And I had some praise heaped on me from my working group for how I've been tenacious in pursuing different angles (now granted, I think that was a little bit a reaction from them still being freaked from when I cried in a meeting, and wanting to make sure that doesn't happen again lol, but still), as well as from boss's boss saying this is great that we are pivoting to something maybe less exciting but more doable, and not falling prey to sunk cost fallacy.

And I did this all without tearing up [a feat, because when I revisit a subject that has made me cry already, it's exponentially more likely to make me cry again due to the "don't cry, don't you dare cry!" tape playing in the background]

My work is back to feeling chill and manageable now that I don't have this urgent and impossible thing looming over me!!!

Fingers crossed my new manager saw how much I contributed, to other parts of the meeting and brainstorming sessions etc., and maybe bothers to actually read the documentation old manager wrote up in support of promoting me!

A vent about terms and a vent about people and some not-quite word art

We're getting tired of people spreading misinformation about soulbonds real fucking fast, let us tell you that. As if we were sick of it before? Seriously?

It's largely focused on people who'd be considered "well-known fictional" in this universe, but that's not the only way to do SB or to be an SB. Is this truly the difference between factive and fictive? What hapoens when you are the soulbond instead? The initial communities were literally focused on what fandom would call "OCs" but even beyond that, the literal only definition is that you are multiversal at some point.

Gateway Headmate? You fuckin' mean a Day Tripper, the language was always there. Not that it didn't take effort to find it ourselves.

Walk-In? You mean Permanent Resident??? Again, the language was always there. Not that it didn't take effort to find it ourselves.

We aren't trying to be mean when we say this, and more terms is always good, but there are some terms that sound like...exactly the same to us. Everything is the same though, to be fair. Another day at Walmart. Another sameass day feeling like a fucking failure. Maybe it's just that we had the ability to actually look this stuff up and are used to checking obscure things out. We've never felt so in the shadows before. We are sick of shining, the ornament to the tree. Have you ever just wanted to disappear or not exist? Maybe it's something else. At this point we've chosen to accept that we don't understand and move on, but sometimes we just wonder if people just straight up never looked into it. We still lie to our body's mother about where we work. She'll never look into it, huh? We hear they don't like, teach you a lot of critical thinking skills or research skills in school anymore unless you're in an honors class what do you folks do these days? we think it's been almost a decade since weve been in high school and that's just...shitty, because this is how you end up with so much cannibalizing of the community we think.

And while we are definitely NOT old by any means we feel like we are in a very different plane than some of the folks who are just now discovering their systems. We havent seen our second cousin since she was three because of our shitty ex-partner-system, and shes in like fifth grade now. She has only ever heard of us, we want to explain ourselves so bad. And if we're protogenic...is she gonna be okay? We figured it out smack dab in the middle of when plurality was Very Niche and when it was Starting To Become Visible. We figured it out maybe...2018? We think? We still get people in our system, crying they want to go home lol. That'd be our second year in uni. And so we can't relate to Ye Olde Systemes like The Crisses to Astrea as much but we also can't see ourselves relating to AimKid and her system, or literally anyone later than 2020 — and that's not even mentioning that 2020 was the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, therefore making us feel pushed even further away from that direction. We are chronically lonely.

Like. We don't know. It could just be that we feel fucky-wucky. Our system name is very visible outside of Tumblr. Hah! Imagine that: were seen yet again, overtaken by our own brigthness. Again. We actually wouldn't be surprised if some folks initially followed us because of that.

Please allow us to feel bitter for just a few seconds before we put this plaster back on.

Please allow just a few seconds for us to cry.

It's not like we don't like to help, we just feel like...

Why does anyone trust what we say?

...folks take what we say out of context. Maybe it's how we use words compared to some folks. Or that we use larger ones.

People really just think we're "smart" huh?

They could do this too if they tried. Not really. Yes they could. No they couldn't. Back and forth all over again, debating weather to keep hoping.

We have no choice but to have a larger well of hope than other people, why don't folks get that?

It is not in human nature to detract; it is in their nature to want more. Small difference.

To The Eras: it is, indeed, possible to care about human beings and not their social norms. Shut the fuck up about how we're black-and-white. We were much more grey than you ever were, you just mistook a strong opinion for a naive one.

We have understood everything up to this point.

Allow us a moment to beat the shit outta something, or someone. We never got our justice.

Or allow us to be bitter and cry before we put this plaster back on. Because that definitely helps.

So why is it. That people can't shut the fuck up? Why can't we seem to chase them away, back to the shadows they came from?

Hi. We're people lol.

I feel sorry for adding another ask to your pile of work, Kitten, but you're free to ignore it if you've had enough and want to call it quits lol I just saw this game and it was too fun to let it pass! Beforehand, thanks for reading!

Eijirou and I give off domestic vibes. We're an odd but cute couple, because I'm pretty hot-headed and blunt like Bakugou but at the same time I'm sensitive and caring, and Ei is the one that easily brings out the best of me, while I use my brains to help him as well.

I love to cook for him, and although I'm very critical of my own dishes, he always eats it all and says it's tasty. Handmade gifits are my thing, and he gladly wears them, probably brags about his brand new scarf that I knitted and reads "RIOT" to his friends.

At 3am I definitely picture ourselves sleeping or having sex. In rare instances, we fuck and then grab a bite. I try not to do that too often because I know he comes very tired from work.

My vice is good food, I'd definitely murder if somebody ate my dessert or the lunch I kept in the fridge for later. But if Ei does it, even by accident, I cry. (No joke, I'm a huge crybaby!). His vice is weighlifting and meat. He's lucky I'm always down for grilled meat (though sometimes I worry about eating too much of it).

We have a respectful, loving, and quirky relationship. We take care of each other, and sometimes I don't get why he's so trusting and kind, yet I love him for it. While he jokingly says I'm too sweet and darling to allow bitterness to get a hold of me, and does his best to make me feel loved. Of course we have our disagreements but it's rarely over something serious. It's impossible to stay mad at him for too long, and he knows I have baggage as well and is understanding.

I could go on and on but I think the ask is quite long as it is. I hope it was plenty enough tho! Thanks again, Kitten! 🐱💖

Homemade dinners and scarfs knitted with love. Sleepy kisses that lead to more in the middle of the night always worth the loss of sleep. Slow dancing in the living room and doing fun poses with friends.

Been a minute since I've done a reading, and they were calling to me this morning and also I'm just having a very shitty morning so let's fuckin go.

First, gonna open up with the rune we're studying today, which is sowilo.

This is the sun: guidance, goal setting, mastery, and success. It is a rune of clarity and healing. I feel like this gives an overall more auspicious tone to the tarot spread for today, which is... good.

The key takeaway with this bad boy is "you are on the struggle bus. The tribulation train. The purgatory pontoon. But keep moving, for the love of god, because I promise it'll be worth it."

I'm going to drop the longer interpretation under a break so I'm not forcing everyone to read it, so you're welcome lol.

Also, you'll note I'm going to use "we" here, because this ain't just about me today folks.

Starting off with our "hey, it you" card, Knight of Swords is ambition, action, motivation. The hustle game is strong in this house right now.

Nine of Swords is just here to remind me that the reason we're hustling is because the alternative is giving into the cloud of anxiety and despair hovering over us every day (which doesn't go away, but it's at least a little easier to move through if we just don't stop and think about it, literally DO NOT STOP.)

The Magician is manifestation and resourcefulness. Bringing ideas and dreams into fruition, which goes hand in hand with our friendly Knight. Hustle. But likewise it's a source of some of that surrounding anxiety. We're doing great over here folks!

Three of Wands is the card of enterprise and opportunity. We saw a chance and we took it, and that's led us to where we are now. Likewise, there's an element of foresight and planning involved here. None of what's happening now happened on a whim. Or... you know, at least our whims lol.

Normally I tend to read this position as "goals," but in this exact context it's reading more as a "why." There's been a lot of reveals recently, a lot of red and yellow flags, and that's got us moving forward very carefully -- but still moving forward.

Eight of Pentacles brings us right back to the hustle, but more specifically indicates skill mastery and general "improvement." We are really rolling our sleeves up and trying to make life more bearable for ourselves.

The next two cards are tied together very closely, so I'm going to discuss them together in like... The vaguest possible terms lol. These positions loop back around once more to our Knight, and speak more on our internal and external influences. The Eight of Swords indicates that we feel trapped, in one sense or another. Probably several. We can see the exit, and we can technically leave at any time, but we've reasoned we have no choice but to stay -- at least for now. The Seven of Swords indicates a betrayal, but (and especially with the Knight in context) it also indicates strategy. We are not sitting idly in hell. We are planning, and we are making moves, and we WILL land on our feet. We are putting ourselves first.

Knight of Pentacles in the hopes and fears position is, on its face, underwhelming: like, woo, you're going to be working hard and persevering, and making slow but steady progress. But within the context of the reading as a whole, it makes more sense why such a small aspiration seems so huge.

Finally the Ten of Pentacles. Man, all I can really say about this one is just that I wanted to cry when I saw it. It's THE goal. Long term success, foundations, sustainable future. Security. Home. Like I cannot stress enough how big a deal this is, what a bright light at the end of a dark ass tunnel that for once -- for once!! -- isn't an oncoming train.

None of this is telling me anything I didn't already know: the last few months have been really rough, and we're in for a few more. And things could still change between now and then. But at least as things currently are, there's an end in sight and it's going to be scary but it won't be a disaster

In theory, anyway.

But yeah this is once again my runes and cards being frighteningly on point and also in tune with each other and I think my method of "pick the one you feel in your gut" is really working out for me lol.

You know whats sad? How normal it is for someone to feel so rejected from reality that they cope by creating one in their brain. An escape from the very thing we were born into.

We have to hide in a world of our own creation to feel happy, loved and welcome. To be able to change the world with only a thought. Just for some kind of control over our suffering.

And whats sadder? We are built to be loved. To care for one another. When we cry? We are calling for someone to lighten the burden. Its so ingrained in us that even autistic people can look sad even if they don't know how to naturally move their faces in conversation. We still cry.

And yet there are so many that dissmis our sadness. Becuse they don't want to care. It would hurt profits.

How many people are struggling under the weight of a world that hates them right now? How many are crying their eyes out? And how many people actually have the people there to comfort them.

I just want a happy world. There are do many things that could be done about this. But the people with the money are too selfish and inhuman to do anything of worth to the human race.

I cant do shit about anything! And yet we're the ones to blame? Its always "oh humans are destroying the earth lol" no WE aren't. THEY are!

The CUNTS THAT SIT UPON THEIR PILES OF MONEY LIKE GREEDY DRAGONS AND LAUGH. THEY SEE THE WORLD BURNING DOWN AND THEY REFUSE TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

Becwus that wouwld hirt prwafets.

You know who are actually hurt? Those thousands of workers in your factories working paycheck to paycheck. Having to choose between food and rent.

Resorting to begging others on the Internet for money to help fill in the gaps for hospital bills or rent...

AND THE SCUMBAGS WHO FAKE THESE POSTS TO GET MORE MONEY ARE THE WORST SCUM HUMANITY HAS TO OFFER.

I am sick and tired to the injustice in the world. I AM TIRED OF IT. THINGS NEED TO CHANGE AND THEY NEED TO CHANGE NOW.

I try my best to be the best human I can be to make up for some of the worst Bellshill humanity has to offer. And I'm sick of it!

NON OF THIS IS MY FAULT. and chances are unless you are a bilionare reading this. IT ISN'T YOUR FAULT EITHER!

WE SHLULD NOT BE TAKING THE BLAME FOR THIS! THIS ISNT OUR FAULT. IT NEVER WAS. SO THEN WHY? WHY DO WE BLAME OURSELVES? WHY DO WE GET BLAMED.

Why are the ones in a cage, forced to play by other peoples rules, the ones to blame?

LIFE ISNT FAIR, SURE BUT IT DOSNT HAVE TO BE!

AND SO HELP ME IF THINGS GET ANY WORSE I FEEL LIKE IM GONNA SET SOMETHING ON FIRE I AM THIS CLOSE TO GOING FULL SUPERVILLAN BECUSE FUCKING HELL.

Laugh all you want but I am not joking.

ok i frickin love my found family lemme just say

first of all we all go to a baptist church and we call ourselves the jesus freaks after that DC Talk song even though we're all 12-19 (except for the Fathers who are some of our dads) and im making us all jesus freak shirts

second of all despite the baptist-ness we sound like a catholic something or other my dad is referred to as 'Father Louis' my "brother" is Brother George my 'sister' is Sister Abigail and there's also Sister Meredith and Sister Grace (me) and Father John (George's real life dad).

and the best part is we act like a family. Abigail and George and I are doubles in the same row in handbells choir and we smack each other and steal phones and all sorts of stuff. My 'nephew' (George's 'son') is a twelve year old little hispanic kid but his two real life brother's are my brothers not his don't ask me why but he and I are writing a play together because he asked me for help with the stage directions and Abigail helped him with his Etsy shop

and I'm the Grand Mother so i basically know/take care of everyone and everything and its literally the reason i live

George and I never talk over text except to send each other dog pictures at three in the morning (both kinds)

SIster Lily and i work at the same restaurant so sometimes they all come in and annoy the heck out of us

Any parent. and i mean ANY parent. (Like real life one). Is referred to as mom or dad. Period. I have fourteen or more moms. I love it.

We have a group bible study that gets heckin chaotic because everyone gets into debates

then there's brother caden who is a little ADHD preacher and also pole dances and he's the most horrible goofy kid ever but he also was the first one of us to lead a kid to christ and he prays like nobody's business

we all are helping each other discover our spiritual gifts (aka what we're best at that God wants us to use to further our group/the church in general's ministry to help people have a little bit better of a life here on earth)

we also protect each other

like david and i were arguing because we couldn't figure out which bells went in which case (we have three sets of eight octaves plus chimes and aluminums, screw it) and he paused for a second to pull me out of the way of a cart that almost ran over my feet and he was like 'you good' and i was like 'yeah' and then we went back to arguing

oh and there's this one kid who's called the Grand Father because he says he's my dad's dad (my dad is 60, he's fourteen, but math and our family don't go well together so whatever) and he kind of just. hovers. on our family tree.

also we're gosh darn near emotionally connected. like we did a feet washing ceremony (don't ask, we're teenagers with too much time on our hands) and some of us were super nervous about showing our dogs but we prayed for God to use our dumbness and then Caden started crying at the end of it and lily and i went to pray for him and then we started crying and before you knew it we were all sobbing and we were singing and praying for our nation and our friends and i've never felt more free than i did sitting on the dusty tile floor of that random church basement out in Appalachia with my family and God. Juju (the protector of the family, seriously she will kill anyone who lays a hand on us) said it felt like 'something big and hot and awesome was bursting out of my chest and making everyone's lives brighter'. That's the closest thing to poetry i've ever heard come out of her lips.

there's alexis too she and i almost dated (long story) but when I told her i wanted to follow the traditional view of the bible she said it was okay and she supported me and now she's best friends with my entire irl family

oh and there's katie she's the weird adopted neighbor lol she loves knives and debating with people about the existence of the Bible

back to the spritual gifts thing, Lily and I were the first to understand ours. Mine is... hmm, the best way to describe it, I guess, is empathy. it's an ability to read people, to discern? maybe? to see through their reactions into their soul and what they really need, and the most loving way to give it to them. Lily's is basically spiritual sight-- she's seen demons since she was little. she told me she saw something dark in me the day after i started cutting, and she told me she could tell the difference when i stopped. no one else except for alexis and juju knew. now i've told my story more, but not much yet. I think the day we realized this weird crap was real was the day a guy walked into the amish market. normal as ever, he'd come in there before, but I literally cringed when he came up to make his order. there was someting off about him, something dangerous. I turned to Lily and told her when he was way out of earshot and she was already giving me the exact same look. she said there was darkness in him. we prayed for him for almost an hour, off and on while we did our work. when he left we breathed a sigh of relief. turns out he'd robbed a nearby place earlier in the day and was armed he was picked up.

there was another time one of my friends from another church got stuck when that plane thing crashed into the main power lines and all the street lights and stuff went out? they were all stuck at their church and one of the new attendees pulled out a gun. he texted us. i texted the group. we started praying. the guy never shot anyone, and the police said he handed his weapon over without a fight.

we also crave discomfort. it's a brave thing, learning to be comfortable in discomfort. i've never met any other group, christian or not, who jumps at the chance to help a group of heroin addicts get cleaned up for job interviews, or volunteers to clean out an entire warehouse full of dust and inhalants and possibly mold or lice or bed bugs or who knew what else as we worked. but we did it. we cheered. we sang. we laughed. we connected with people. and when we came home it didn't stop. every time we meet we do something. we pray for change. we go out and hand out soda and ask people if there's anything we can pray for. we've made friends with every family within ten miles of our church. we regularly bring food and candy to people. we're hosting a trunk or treat and i was asked to do the Chops Fam (get it, knives) trunk. i can't fathom how to represent us well. maybe that's why my brain needed to shove all this out.

we also renovate houses. for fun. did i mention that? the only thing more satisfying than ripping into walls with three of your best friends beside you is the looks on people's faces when they see how much we've done and how much we care and how it's all free because we'll take the load for you this once because 'if we have the power to give even one person a little bit of relief, how can we not give it?'

oh, and one time a crazy guy came to our church. we gave him a doughnut and a coupon to the local bakery before we called the authorities (and then prayed until they got there).

then a bunch of teens came in and smoked marijuanna in our barn (yes, youth group happens in a renovated barn. we fixed it up ourselves. it's freaking awesome.) We set out snacks for them and put up signs to let them know when the doors would be unlocked and the wifi password, so they could stay-- as long as they didn't smoke inside or break anything. they haven't come for service or youth yet, but they come just before. sometimes we see them leave. we wave, they wave back. maybe someday they'll want to meet us.

i've never felt more alive than when eight of us are all crammed on one couch, calling out answers and debating things and stuffing our faces with food, or when you're at the end of a street and you look back and see all the groups spread out like a tree, handing out candy and praying and laying hands on people and giving people hugs. my dad finally reconciled his past of drug abuse when he met the addicts we were loving. he wrote music with one of them. one of them gave him an extra Bible, just about the only thing they owned, and later that day George gave it to a kid who followed us to ask Caden why we were so nice.

I remember us all crying on the floor of that basement. I remember crying at worship, leading my family up to the front, locking arms at the shoulders like we were going to war, screaming the words at the tops of our lungs. i remember holding a girl for hours while she cried and sobbed and begged God to forgive her. I remember someone sobbing as they were freed from the depression that had held them captive for so long. I remember the senior, if not his name, who walked up to me during worship and told me God had a message for me-- that I was waiting on something important, something school related, and I was stressed, but God's answer was no and it was for the best. Two days later I was rejected from the early college program. This year i have the time to support three of my friends who are going through the most stressful time of their lives, and my dad, who just lost a friend. and even when that happened, all of his 'kids' gathered around and prayed for him. we send him messages every day reminding him that there is hope. that he will be okay. that he will see his friend again. we're still hoping that friend will get off his deathbed, but if he doesn't, we're still here. we're still fighting. God's will be done. We never pray for anything else.

i remember standing around that friend's parents and praying, not for their son to survive, although that too, but for them to have strength. peace. their tears were dried. they smiled for the first time in weeks.

i remember screaming. laughing. crying.

i remember feeling nothing at all, and i wonder

how could i not be so endlessly greatful?

in short, i love my family, and i refuse to outgrow them. call it a cult if you must, but they are my life, my hope for the future, my pride, and my joy. we keep each other accountable. we lift each other up. We encourage each other We fight for each other. We see the crap the world pulls, and we say fuck that. We choose to love. We choose to spread light. We choose to love. We choose to pray in public places, and sing on the streets. We choose to do all we can for our neighbors, the people God tells us to serve the most. We are the servants. We are the rebels. We are the change.

That's not to say we don't have a lot of fun, either. We dance and laugh and try on each other's lip gloss and have karaoke at one in the morning and that one time we all caught the same flu bug at church camp we still beat the other churches' asses and then collapsed on the floor of the common room in bags and told each other stories. We sneak out and sit on roofs and look at the stars. We watch the meteors and talk about life. We have an entire row of the tree (my grandchildren) that are stuffed animals, each with their own names and personalities and birthdays which are heavily celebrated. we make the birthday kid feel as awkward as humanly possible. we wrestle. we go to bell festival once a year and chug energy drinks and try to sing our parts on the bells until the adults threaten to turn around and go home. we built a gaga ball pit-- leveled the ground, built the pit, churned out the gravel, tamped it, decorated it, all by ourselves. church work days are a fricking BLAST.

i love my family. i love my home. i love the life that i live. and i wouldn't change it for the world.

because when you have all this, who cares what some random strangers on the internet say?

Mini update time: I agreed to date him.

I don't know, we have had some massive blow up fights recently that leave us both crying and they're always over his inability to communicate and my shitty hair trigger temper.

This is something that I'm aware of and am actively trying to work on. Usually what happens is that it's just him not telling me something, like that he's been struggling with some issues lately that have affected our sex life. Which I fucking adore this man idk. He's one of my best friends. The problem is I need physical intimacy along with emotional shit, without the physical stuff the emotional side begins to fade for me. If I feel unwanted physically, I cannot be emotionally attached and I am likely to leave.

This normally hasn't been an issue since I have huge issues with intimacy and trust and actively run from actual relationships lol. Like ya girl is fucking turning 35 this year (🤦🏻‍♀️😭🤮) and he is the first actual boyfriend I've ever had because yikes.

He's also the only dude I've ever liked enough to even try with.

I mean I feel like we've had some break-throughs each fight? Lol. One is that we have dramatically different views to fighting. For me, my temper flares up hella fast and like the hounds of Hell are about to swallow you whole, but just as quick it's over and I'm horny af and angry makeup sex is the best etc.

He just feels miserable, wants to cry alone, is so far removed from the idea of even attempting sex, feels drained, etc. Which just means I need to adjust my thinking a bit here. It's been a cycle for me because fighting is almost like foreplay for me. We fight, I'm in the mood, I make a move, he rejects me, I get madbro all over again. But knowing how he feels just means I can switch up my reactions. Ideally we wouldn't fight at all, I fucking hate fighting with him.

One of the reasons he gets super drained is because I selfishly refuse to let him leave before we reach a resolution. He starts being like "It doesn't matter, you've made up your mind, blah blah" and I'm like "No. I want you to explain yourself." The idea of leaving stuff unresolved so we can pick up fighting in the morning sounds horrible to me. I don't know, the idea of leaving him when we're both mad and upset just seems so fucking terrible to me.

Then he explains himself and how shit I've done makes him feel. Some of it is valid. Sometimes, it's anxiety related, he convinces himself that something is true when it's not even remotely the case. The valid stuff I've made note of, realize how I've fucked up, and actively try to stop that kind of toxic bullshit. When it's anxiety driven, I explain what it really is or try and figure out why it comes across that way, etc.

So I don't know, I don't want to keep fighting him over stupid shit but I feel like these previous verbal blow-ups have helped us reach a deeper and better understanding?

Like he's hella introverted. Has no friends really, hates talking to people. We met through Pokémon Go, and they do a weekly hour where it spawns in only legendary raids and since I'm like literally the polar opposite (I'll talk to anyone, I'm happiest when I'm the center of attention and surrounded by people lol) raid hour for me is to catch up with my other Pogo friends, talk to people, hang out, see them face to face, etc. One of my pogo friends always has ridden with me for that.

He goes but he's always super salty because he hates that it can't just be me and him. He hates that I talk to my friends about emotional issues or even anything at all. I mention having a conversation with someone about *topic* and he makes all these loaded comments about how he guesses he's just too stupid for me to talk about whatever with him. Some other friends of mine and I started doing that Hunt A Killer thing to try and have more regular friend time and he suggested we just buy it ourselves and solve them all together because my friends are too dumb to pick up on shit.

The very fact that I've made any personal posts about him at all would DEEPLY upset him, but like I can't keep everything bottled up. I'm not sharing details so idk.

But like the whole thing is that we've realized that, because he's not a talker, has no friends (the four people he lists off that he speaks to are me, his dog, his son, and his dad) BY CHOICE, and struggles to open up to anyone means that he finds our conversations romantically and emotionally fulfilling. They make him feel bonded and intimate and like we're being super close. Even our text messages have that effect for him.

I literally talk to people all day lol, I have my group chat bubble open at all times, I'm constantly texting and DMing and snapping people, talking is just a thing I do lol, it's like a basic level bodily function with me lol, without talking to people I'd die. 🤣🤣🤣

It doesn't make me feel close to him. It's not intimate. It doesn't replace being able to physically touch his skin or wind my fingers in his hair or have sex with him or anything like that. Not even close. Kissing and cuddling feel way too intimate for me, I always used to have a no kissing rule because it feels more personal than sex but I make out with this man all the time because at least we're physically close and I can feel his heart beat and hear him breathe. Post-coital cuddling is one of my least favorite things to do and I deal with it for him.

So Idk, I feel like this new understanding is massive. We get each other more.

I don't even know where I was going with this post lol. Anyway he was really drunk and I was just pretty drunk when I told him I'd actually date him if he promised to tell me shit and that I would focus on methods of toning down the spontaneous rage. I'm kinda hoping he forgot because honestly we fight over the same shit constantly. Telling him we could be in a relationship feels like a stopgap, a desperate attempt to make this trainwreck work.

I don't get what massive difference calling him my boyfriend and him getting to tell his family about his girlfriend makes. I didn't understand. But it's super important to him and also his self esteem so like maybe it will work from an anxiety reducing standpoint.

And he opened up a bit all on his own today, told me about feeling depressed. He failed his classes last semester, something I feel hella guilty about, and it's been fucking with him, but then he said "You're worth failing for. " Bruh, no one is worth mortgaging your future over. He chose to spend time with me over focusing on school because he cared more about going places with me and getting to kiss me and hold hands than he did on maintaining his 4.0 I just. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️ That doesn't help me feel any less guilty tbh.

Anyway this was so fucking long, if anyone actually read this whole thing then goddamn.

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

GUrll ur so sexy... Like you're Hot. I don't care if you were bullied in school, you're sexy, they lied.

Also bitch I KNEW i related to you too much our ascendants are both in leo we're so hot.

Ok ok no now I'll stop complimenting and start with the roasting here we go:

So the sun is your sense of "self" it represents you on the more base level i guess you could say, like what most people think you're like is represented by your sun. With Sagittarius being your sun it means you're very energetic Especially for those things you are passionate about, you might have gone through a LOT of hobbies, only a few of them stuck around but you like to try things. You're curious about the way people's minds works, you wanna figure them out. If the conversations you have don't involve some form of psychoanalysis or philosophy you might loose interest. You are a Talker, maybe you talk very fast or you are often told to lower your voice but you don't do it on purpose you're just very very animated. You are kina volatile, in the sense that you value freedom in everything, love, work, hobbies. You have a huge rebellious streak and you kinda like testing your luck. Think adrenaline junkie. It's cliché but with this much Sagittarius in your chart you prob love traveling, like i said you will chase freedom because you associate it with happiness. If you find people that make you feel free then you feel happy. Rules don't go well with you. You don't really like being involved with fights per se but you LOVE debating, if you can beat a motherfucker with nothing but facts and logic you will and you will enjoy it.

Your way of flirting or making friends is "lowkey bullying" or my favourite "verbally throwing hands". If they shoot back you get heart eyes (my mars in sag agrees). You can be tactless as fuck tho. Like you will say some outrageous shit that MIGHT be funny if the timing is right or MIGHT make everyone in a 5 mile radius mad.

I NEED to talk about your moon in sag bc Babe, babe the moon tells us about our emotions and how we deal with them, how we express them and how they shape us. But BABE. Sagittarius moons are so bad at comforting people it's embarrassing, trying to make them think of smth else or do smth else to distract from the situation is NOT a good way to deal with your emotions... Avoiding your emotions like the plague is not gonna invent a vaccine... Saying "everything is fine :)" DOESN'T MAKE ANYTHING FINE PLEASE GO TO THERAPY. ok to give you some credit, you don't let shit bring you down, no matter what you always get up and that is a *strength* that i admire, but love you're burning the candle at both ends, especially if you get yourself in More problems by trying to distract yourself from One problem.

Also you've had a horsegirl phase or a dog obsession phase or both huh. AND your love language is sarcasm but the type that you will make someone laugh when you're insulting them. You're also hilarious irl you're prob the "funny friend" but with that scorpio mars and venus baby inside ur sad and dark as fuck ripp.

I also wanted to talk about your mercury in sag... Babe... Do you know what a brain to mouth filter IS?! do you recognize that word?!?! Cuz you have never used yours i think. Like you are hilarious but that's because you have dolphins in the head cavity baby. Not trying to say you're stupid, you're actually very smart and opinionated, probably have been told that you'd be a great lawyer or smth. But miss gurl please think before you speak for the love of god ur gonna make someone cry. Also ur mouth is foul. Have you ever spoken a sentence without a "fuck" or a "cunt" somewhere in there?! God bless.

Now for your scorpio Venus I'm just gonna say, more confirmation that ur Sexy as Fuck, scorpio venuses are just sexy, amazing partners, VERY passionate, whoever dates you will never forget you, for better or for worse you'll forever be on the back of their mind. You had a harsh emo phase huh, maybe loved some obscure shit like witchcraft or just love dressing all black like someone's mother died, i bet you wear silver jewelry a lot, maybe necklaces or rings or chockers. If this isn't how you dress now it was prob a major phase in your life. Or maybe you just love horror movies idk

Being as passionate as you are you don't take well to being mistreated or lied to, you might like to plot revenge and things like those, you wouldn't do anything... You actually prefer letting things go but you WILL make an elaborate scenario in your head at 3am or even as you stare right in the persons face.

With mars in scorpio you might be kinda passive aggressive, maybe you act like things don't really bother you but you throw a comment or two once in a while just to stir the pot bc you can't move on lmfao.

You are attracted to people that are introverts or generally just mysterious, like i said above the nature of the Sagittarius is to Learn and to Study. People that you can't immediately figure out intrigue you. All your crushes are either on geminis or water signs lmfao.

The best careers for you are the ones that allow you some freedom of either movement or expression and something that can keep your mind from flying away, something that keeps you intrigued, like research or writing. You're a very "all or nothing" person and it can sometimes scare people away, i advise you to work on compromising, being less stubborn and more open with your emotions and desires.

(part one bc I'm taking too long and I don't wanna keep you waiting so much) I'll reblog this with part 2

Alright here we go part 2 of Roasting hella until she finds out I'm hiding in her walls.

I will skip over some planets that are Very slow moving and usually don't talk about you as an individual but refer to your generation as a whole.

I wanna focus on lilith for a sec bc worstie lilith talks about our fears, our more "darker" side that we hide from ourselves as well as the people that we love. Lilith in aries in the eleventh house tells me you might be afraid to take charge, you gravitate towards positions of leadership but you let go on the last second, almost afraid to have too much control, very often self sabotaging your own success. Your anger and you own ambition might scare you, you might be afraid of appearing too aggressive bc under your skin you have a deep rooted anger and rebellion that you wish to relieve but you can't find a good enough outlet, some things soothe it but you always feel like it never leaves. It might be related to some form of resentment that you never truly dealt with and now it sits uncomfortably with you and you just can't get over it and it bothers you. You might have been shy in groups as a child, maybe you talked a lot but it was always from a fear of the silence not always because you had something to say. The eleventh house is that of groups and friends and social awareness, technology and your hopes and wishes for the future, having lilith in this house talks about someone who had a hard time feeling comfortable around people OR someone who wasn't very accepted. You might have desperately wished for friends but have found it hard to find any. Or if you did, you deep down felt very alone. I would advise to learn to accept your anger and deal with it in healthy ways instead of brushing it off and repressing it.

The north node talks about what you need to focus more in your life for example in your case with Gemini in your North node you need to focus more on your communication letting go of anxiety and your relation with other people you need to become more interested in intellectual pursuit and growth. You need to let go off the need to always be right and look more at details instead of focusing on on the bigger picture all of the time. When your North node is is in Gemini then your South node is in Sagittarius which tells me that what you should focus less on is your pursuit of freedom and your rebellion. Be more aware of your words and use them with maturity.

Now let's have some fun with the ascendent in leo which we share and now i see why ur so relatable. The first house or the ascendant is that very superficial layer of our personality, it includes the way we carry ourselves, our style, the little habits or quirks we have. One thing about leo ascendants is that we have an obsession with our hair. Hair is important to us, some have huge hair that might remind you of a lions mane, others just have very unique style or color but we ALL are lowkey or highkey obsessed with it, either constantly touching it, pulling it, chewing on it, cutting it or dying it in unique ways you name it. You might have a rather large nose or cat like eyes.

This ascendent is full of life and light, very funny, light hearted and luxurious, you want to live that good life and i don't blame you. A negative aspect is that we come of as intimidating to others. ALL of my friends AND my ex have at some point told me I was intimidating to them. It makes us prone to overcompensating for it later in life so maybe now you're super outgoing and extroverted and you approach people first and try to be super friendly. Also you're an attention whore (affectionate) with a flare for the dramatics, very flamboyant, you basically fill the room with personality, it attracts attention and you love it. You're what people would call a "sunny" person.

You're hella competitive (get it lol) and you LOVE fighting your way to the top and crushing the competition. You're probably a weirdo that low key likes school. Not the way it's run or the teachers or whatever, but the "idea" of school. If you could just learn all your life you absolutely would.

Second house in virgo. The 2nd house is the house of money, work, income, daily routines, values, material possessions, habits, work ethic ect being in virgo it means you can have an extremely good work ethic, you put a lot of thought in planning and mapping your work, you might get overly critical on your work though and often undermine your own success and efforts because they didn't fit your impossible standards. You can be very organized in your work, you want things to be a certain way and if they don't follow your plan you will Make them. Its a good position for virgo but yoh need to be aware of not overworking by trying to do Everything on your own. Let others help you, and let people in your work do their own things don't try to help if not asked to because you will overwork yourself.

The third house is that of the mind, thinking, communication, siblings, interests and early education, in your case it is in Libra which means that you're early education might not have been very stable or it was a period of time that you look back with a lot of fondness but not much substance. You are a good talker but you get lost when it comes to details, you are indecisive when it comes to settling on an opinion on something if you don't have All the facts first, you always want to be right. You are pretty open minded and easy to talk to but you might have the bad habit of rambling off topic. You change interests constantly and you prob like to talk about others, you wanna know the tea if it kills you. You prob had a crush on a childhood best friend or on a hot neighbor. Your relationship with your siblings might be pretty good, friendly, no particular resentment or anything like that, you might be the one that everyone treats a little better, people let you get away with things more often, you might be the one that takes 2 hours in the bathroom lol.

Oof fourth house in scorpio babe how are the mommy issues? 😬 How is your relationship with your femininity? Having trouble with keeping secrets? So the fourth house is the one responsible for your home roots, your family, self-care, emotions, your mother, women and your femininity and having Scorpio here tells me that you might have very strong ties to your family, but they weren't healthy or emotionally supportive. You have grown with people that might have undermined your emotions, people that didn't teach you to set healthy boundaries and maybe even manipulators and gaslighters. You might have been the type to put your foot down a lot a home, assuming a very dominant role as well as the defender. You're very private about your family life and don't want to let people too close.

Ah i just noticed u have like 3 planets in this house including ur Sun and Moon, babe this house is what you need to focus on when you go to therapy. This almost secretive, guarded approach to understanding your own emotions is very prominent in how you see yourself, how you feel and with Pluto there, how you change. I could say the biggest changes in your life have happened in these areas and they have left the biggest impacts on you. Yes you are passionate and protective but don't let bad feelings marinate forever, address them and then move on from them because they're just weighting you down.

Fifth house in sag, also the house of your mercury. This house represents Love, romance, creativity, self expression, joy and childlike spirit. It tells me the way you express your creativity is through words which makes sense since you're a great writer, but not only, the way you express Love is also through your words, expression and free thoughts are your way you tell your loved ones how much you mean to them, think poetry, long rants, music recommendations bc of specific song lyrics, you have been writing form childhood and it's one of the ways you express your view on beauty as well, to you love is freedom and freedom is expression.

Capricorn in the sixth house paired with both uranus and neptune being in it tells me there is something about your knees, joints, bones or teeth in particular that stands out when it comes to your health, maybe you tend to break your teeth, maybe you like chewing on crunchy foods, maybe your joints crack a lot, idk but I'd drink my milk if i was you, take care of your joints and bones. Also for you, being emotionally unwell often translates to being Physically unwell as well, so be mindful of your emotions because they do affect you physically. You need to keep hydrated also and your health plan needs structure for it to work bc that neptune makes everything very chaotic and uranus constantly makes you bored and wanting to spice things up. Take care of your emotional needs just as much as you would with your physical ones. And for the love of jesus be CAREFUL with alcohol or smoking because that neptune in ur health house could mean serious trouble if you let it become an addiction, don't push it.

Aquarius in the seventh house of relationships, marriage, contracts, business partners ect means you are untraditionally traditional. That makes sense in my head let me explain. Aquarius is a sign that seeks individualism desperately, it likes to feel like a special person, impossible to understand. Yet always feels comfortable in the structure of traditional and safe paths. So for example you might marry someone in a way that is not traditional but at the end of the day you wish for your marriage to have a stability you would feel safe falling into. Also it says ur gay. Air signs in the relationship house says ur gay i Make the rules.

Pisces is in the eighth house of sex, intimacy, shared finances, inheritance, taxes, loans, property, mystery, partner's resources. This tells me you fuck with feeling lmfao. Or you simply make your love life something "special", a connection that only you and ur person can share, it's what makes you an amazing lover and an unforgettable one as well. But as amazing as you are at creating a otherworldly atmosphere, ur just as shit at setting boundaries and saying something when you don't like something. You don't like to see things that you love ending and a failed relationship makes you blame yourself too much, you have the tendency to stay in situations where you are being mistreated but you tell yourself It's on you.

A recurring theme I'm seeing is some weakness when it comes to liars or manipulators in your life. So either you irrationally fear people are lying to you because you "lie" to them about yourself or a lot of people in your childhood might have used lying or gaslighting as a way to keep you under control. I would advise to try not to overthink and become paranoid, people love you and they believe in you and they aren't deceiving you, they don't secretly mean something different from what they have said. Listen to your intuition about people sure, but don't confuse it with anxiety.

With lilith and aries in the 9th house of travel and higher education and religion I'm gonna assume you might have religious trauma. Religion might have been a way that people used to try and control you, if not religion then some form of system or government law. Being queer i completely understand the sentiment but in your case it's take a step further because you Value the ideals of this house so much, with lilith here, it's like at som point in your life you were finally awakened to how much injustice there was in the world ant that has made you very inclined to take action, you cannot stand unjust government or non tolerating religions. You might have felt crushed under an unjust system and it took you a lot of will and conviction to find your individuality and build yourself how you wanted once you were free.

Your midheaven in taurus tells me you are one that will achieve any goals you set your mind to. It might take you time, you might procrastinate around it, but at the end of the day, you will do it and you will do it well and it will be rewarding. If your father isn't a Taurus then he was a stable figure in your life, very much a rock for better or for worse. In your career life people will see you as very competent, very down to earth and helpful but you know you just procrastinated till the last second possible and stayed up all night do finish your work... You will seek careers that you believe will guarantee you stable income and a comfortable life. You might indulge in luxury from time to time because you think in order to get the position you want at work you need to look the part. Ultimately it's your sheer stubbornness and spite that gets you all the way up to the top of the food chain.

The eleventh house of groups, friendships, humanitarianism, and social awareness is in your case in gemini. It tells me you value friendship extremely and you surround yourself with a diverse cast of friends, you couldn't mix your different friend groups if you tried and you have tried. You have the habit of being too friendly to everyone which makes you end up with more friends than you know what to do with. You are approachable but people can get the impression that you are putting up a show or a facade and your emotions arent genuine, it's not always the case but you need to be more truthful and assertive, put some boundaries and don't let people get away with shit you don't like. Your public persona is very well liked, seen as fun and bright and smart and overall a joy to be around.

Now that last placement... 12th house cancer, i have the same placement and babe I'm sorry for all the shit you have been through. You deserve the freedom to be unhappy and to express that unhappiness in healthy ways. You deserve to be given unconditional love and support no matter how many mistakes you say you have made no matter how overly pessimistic you are about yourself it doesn't matter you're amazing and i love you and you deserve the world.

With jupiter the planet of expansion in the 12th house of endings, spirituality, solitude and karma?! Gurl i did say u were a cult leader but i didn't think it was astrologically backed up rippp. But it also says you might have a hard time getting the motivation to finish things, you might take a long time to finish a project. This house placements also tells me you're amazing at writing emotional ass fantasy stories which by now we have confirmed, but if you have like, an original idea for a book don't hesitate to get it started babe bc u have a very promising placement for that. Don't get too dragged into a sad whirlpool of emotions and daydreams but bring your creative ideas to life and you'll be fine.

This is all I'm doing today and i think it's enough lol. I'm posting this I'm sorry to my followers for the long ass post I'll tag it so you can filter it. This was a whole psycho-astrological analysis of our favourite writer Hellspawn1975. I have wanted to study her like a new lizard species for a while and i finally got the chance thank you hella for the opportunity.

Final words to @hella1975 i hate you and I'll fuck ur mom tomorrow, gn babe <3

daichi and i are acts of service and quality time type of folks, convince me otherwise. but we're both so busy with our own things that it's hard for us to make time for each other--let alone prioritize ourselves over our work--so i'd like to think that suga (or my personal besties tananoya) would show up announced with take-out and drinks and force us both to sit down and take care of ourselves. and, of course, because daichi & i love our friends so much, we'd end up crying and thanking them and saying we have the best best friends ever and when they leave, me & daichi would just be cuddled up on the floor asleep from food coma, exhaustion, and crying but with smol smiles on our faces.

i think of this scenario like 80% of the time because my acts of service love language likes to scream at me

🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺😭😭😭😭😭 this is the cutest fucking scenario whaT GOOD FRIENDS HONESTLY ugh wow. This is SO sweet

I had a friend (whose top love language is also quality time like mine lol) recently said that sometimes when you’re feeling drained or whatever it’s because you haven’t given YOURSELF enough self love in your love language, so like spending time alone for quality time folks 🥺 I thought that was super smart observation

Liam & Edie

Liam: [sends her some kind of coded thing where the answer equals 6 when she works it out so she knows he's not living his best life without her because they're both weird little nerds] Edie: I'm so insanely bored Edie: what lesson are you in and how many negative ⭐s is it Liam: german Liam: all the negatives Liam: [sends her a picture of his textbook with everyone's eyes stabbed out via pencil holes like miss you] Edie: awh, you wanna give me schadenfreude 😍🥴 Edie: that's generous Edie: I was just thinking that a Columbine would liven this place up Liam: write your list, I'll try & think of anyone I'd wanna keep off mine except for you Edie: but being the last ones standing is what we aim for Edie: and what I want right now Liam: anything else you want before I kick that plan off? Edie: don't need time to say any final farewells to any dickhead in this place Liam: you've got a steadier hand, I'll need you to carve no farewells onto the bullets Edie: more deserving use of my time than whatever I'm not being taught right now Edie: how's your aim though? Liam: -9 ⭐s for the lesson you're in Liam: but + it for my aim Edie: my fault for naively thinking Physics might be interesting when I picked it Edie: forgot we were catering for the braindead masses Edie: I believe it, no bullshit brag detected Liam: chemistry would've let you blow more things up Liam: & make 💊 Edie: 😤 I'm mad Edie: no amount of black holes are gonna make up for this Liam: we'll learn it online Edie: but I wanna blow things up with you now Edie: or not learn German vocab Liam: let's go blow up a 🚽 they have to let you out in case you're about to bleed or cry in front of everyone Edie: and am I? Liam: in front of me & whoever else is in there Liam: unless you wanna upload it after Edie: I do need to make the overreaction my fam had over the weekend worth the headache Edie: owed more trouble, like Liam: my dad was on one too, he's the only one not allowed to show up by his logic Liam: you want a bigger scale? every 🚽 in the building Liam: maybe school would have to shut Edie: Know that, my sister is the definition of one rule for her, another for the rest of us Edie: I reckon we could do 'em all without getting caught in the act Edie: more fun after the fact 📹 to claim it Liam: just need to get creative with our explosives, I won't have enough 🧨 to do every bathroom Liam: you in the labs or a standard classroom? Edie: labs Edie: she's scheduled a breakdown any moment now anyway, she's always pissing off to cry herself so I'll take my opportunity and cue as such Liam: 3 HNO3 + C6H7(OH)3O2  H2SO4 ���  C6H7(ONO2)3O2 + 3 H2O Liam: only need nitric & sulphuric acid from you Edie: you're a hot evil genius, okay Liam: there's a story behind it but maybe I shouldn't give it to you Liam: keep that train of thought intact Edie: but I need it Edie: I can keep 'em both on track, trust me Liam: you need it? tell me about that first Edie: I love stories Edie: and I liked talking to you, a lot Edie: and I like it when you give me things Edie: so yeah, it's a need Liam: to make you happy then Liam: the year is 1846 and this german-swiss scientist was messing in his kitchen Liam: he spilled a mixture of those 2 acids I told you to get on his table & grabbed the first thing he had about to clean it up Liam: happened to be a cotton apron & he hung it on his oven door to dry after, super chill until it exploded Edie: that's perfect Edie: scientists really loved making shit happen on accident, just like all life Edie: 🧫🦠 Liam: I was an accident & look how that turned out Edie: Big same Liam: my sister too, different loser dad though Edie: yeah? Edie: we've got that in common too Liam: does seem to be pretty common Edie: happy little accidents Edie: or not so Liam: I don't wanna be like that Liam: the different girls bit at least Edie: people love repeating their parents mistakes and bullshit Edie: even when they railed on it for years Edie: I don't fucking get it Edie: make your own, at least Liam: maybe you'll think this is one but I gotta say it Liam: I don't care about claiming 🚽💥 I wanna claim you Liam: be with me Edie: You mean it Edie: no bullshit Liam: only if there's bullshit that comes with being official & exclusive all of that Edie: I think that's a really, really good idea Edie: not a mistake but even if it was, I still want it Liam: alright, it's yours, me & the gay 🖤 shit Edie: [sends him a 🥰 selfie] Liam: it's my background Edie: you were already mine Edie: [glitter moment shamelessly] Liam: took the longest shower & I'm still finding it 🗺❌ Edie: good thing you suit it Edie: we can try again though, after the literal shitstorm, a shower is a good idea Liam: yeah, wouldn't suit that Liam: german teacher can disagree as loud as she wants Edie: 😏 Edie: can keep their filth and their hands to themselves Liam: I respect that you only covered me in glitter so that those girls would think I was gay & do the same Edie: people gotta respect territory Edie: works until I perfect your tat Liam: I'll get on the school roof with a 📢 Edie: You're everything Liam: you can sample it when you write a song about me Edie: I will Edie: your friend is not getting a feature Liam: his loss Liam: I'll only gloat for a while Edie: you can go as hard as you want, I reckon Edie: you've earnt it, like Liam: I'll go as hard as you want Liam: you're my girl now Edie: I'm yours Liam: make your physics teacher cry for me then Liam: we've got shit to do Edie: 😄 Edie: done Edie: where are we meeting when I'm fully done and have secured the shit? Liam: [a location] Edie: 👍 Liam: 🔜 Edie: making people cry is a speciality of mine Liam: it won't work on me Edie: I don't want to make you cry Edie: ever Liam: good thing I can't ever, all that toxic masculinity Edie: not missing out on much Edie: even if Miss makes a proper performance out of it Edie: more fun ways to do that Liam: yeah there are Edie: 💣💥 Liam: don't have to hand you a 🧨 to cause 🎇🎆 Edie: you don't even know how true that is Edie: yet Liam: for now it's a guess Edie: I'll show you Liam: I just wanna feel something Liam: that's not only 💊🥤 Edie: I will make that happen Edie: you don't need to believe me, just wait Liam: I'm waiting Edie: you deserve to feel everything Liam: I've tried but it don't work out like that Edie: you can't? Edie: or only certain emotions Liam: there's no 💣💥 in me Edie: we can be dead inside together and make it happen to everyone else Edie: for now Edie: [show up] Liam: [just kiss her too hard because everything you do is a little bit too much boy, okay you're numb but there's too many emotions trapped under the surface that we're not addressing so] Edie: [thank god we're so overwhelmed ourselves that we can just roll with this and have it be the most extra thing] Liam: [this is why you two work] Edie: [just approaching this like you aren't her first honey not even 'cos we're fronting but feelings and trying to make you feel things] Liam: [realistically who have you ever slept with either boy unless you've gotten with one of Rio's friends casually prior to this or something like] Edie: [just out here doing the most from the jump, the fam must be like HELLO???] Liam: [shouldn't be here for it but I am] Edie: [we all are by all I mean us and them, no one else lol] Liam: [imagine how shook he'd be because didn't expect it to be like this] Edie: [awkward, like the levels you must pay attention to no one but Rio 'cos she isn't really conspicuous in how she be lol] Liam: [and if he did get with one of Rio's friends when he first started stalking her it clearly didn't work out so he's probably bracing himself for another failed attempt and then] Edie: [it makes logical sense, like tryna get in the friend group lowkey but none of her friends are really here for it[ Liam: [yeah and like in my head he started stalking Rio when his sister had just died so he wouldn't have been bringing his A game] Edie: [exactly dr phil] Liam: [but obviously nothing happened that she could clock as a red flag when she's thinking of suspects he was probably just really blah because numb] Edie: [yeah, and none of her friends are gonna chat shit on the boy who's sister just died really like it's to be expected] Liam: [it's a good cover like you said] Edie: [just sat here like it's so rude we're gonna kill Edie, as if it wasn't rude before] Liam: [I do feel so bad for him even though he literally fucks with Rio's entire life] Edie: [lol same, it's like if you could just stop doing that tah] Liam: [I think it's partly because we both know she ends up okay and living as happy a life as poss whereas he does not] Edie: [yeah, there's no hope and that's just sad, even if you were an absolute dick, like Ro, per example, still sad she dies for everyone else] Liam: [agreed] Edie: [and you aren't that insufferable boy which is just well] Liam: [nobody is, she's next level] Liam: [anyway also do your vandalism and have way more fun than you expected with that as well] Edie: [when it's just a moment for you immediately and you're all in] Liam: [do we wanna close the school or not let them destroy every bathroom in the place for various reasons lol?] Edie: [on the one hand, maybe get caught before you do every bathroom for that trouble mood, on the other, if you shamelessly upload it you'd get in more trouble for making the school look dumb and shit hmm, I think this time get caught and we'll let you be sneaky trouble causing nerds plenty of other times[ Liam: [I'm about that, we know you're both pretty distracted rn so] Edie: [it feels more legit for this instance, and we can separate you and they'd probably call Ali in for the drama of it] Liam: [you can work your way into the fam later boy you're trying to keep your gf highkey for now, I love the idea of both their mums getting called in and awkwardly meeting haha] Edie: [they'd lowkey want them to kick up a fuss and separate them for the school but Ali knows how well that works so it's like well soz you'll have to cope] Liam: [whereas his mum is the opposite, you know the sort never backs the kid and is just wholeheartedly like yes do whatever you think @ the school] Edie: [ahh the joys] Edie: [once that drama has unfurled and you're in your separate detention moments, sending him a pic from the school website of all the staff but she's digitally ❌d out all their eyes] Liam: I miss you too Edie: I hope so Liam: what else would I be doing? Edie: I don't know Edie: you are full of good ideas Liam: I was thinking about setting the fire alarm off Edie: an acceptable second to thinking about me constantly Edie: would hate to perish in a fire with all these cunts Liam: to be with you Liam: I'd get you before they made you line up in the playground for the head count Edie: then we can leave, like we planned Edie: they'll have let our mas fuck off by now Liam: 🗑🔥 Liam: boring if it wasn't for you Edie: you're like Edie: seeing a new colour Liam: maybe I should leave you there longer so you can work on your song about me Edie: don't though Edie: I know it sounds cliche but that's the only way I can explain how blindsided but transformed I feel from you Liam: you're the only person who's said it, don't think that's how cliches work Edie: I don't just say pretty things for the sake of it Edie: or anything Edie: I mean it, regardless of what it does or don't sound like Liam: I know you mean it Edie: if we both set one, it'll take them longer to get back inside Edie: hide and seek and we can finish what we started? Liam: you're on Edie: 3️⃣2️⃣1️⃣ Liam: 1️⃣ 2️⃣ 3️⃣ Edie: [ahh this poor school lol] Liam: [love that you get to be notorious though gal cos peeps gonna be talking about these antics for ages] Edie: [in this fam you have to make your own rep or life is really hard junie and grace, I said what I said] Liam: [tea though] Liam: [I'm trying to think of somewhere cool they could go and my first thought was like a junkyard vibe so they can destroy more things like life is strange and sex education unless you have any better ideas] Edie: [that's always a mood, also very akin to the barn which will clearly be your domain so] Liam: [yeah and somewhere she's probably been loads of times that she knows all the hiding places of so they don't need to be interrupted again] Edie: [live your best destructive lives] Liam: [when he would be and lowkey forget what he's meant to be doing here, such fun, not devastating me at all] Edie: [the theme of these painful two years lmao, I'm so glad you never find out babe truly] Liam: [though ngl I wish you could survive and we could see if y'all as a couple could survive that] Edie: [ahh when you can't do it all, so rude] Liam: [could've had it all rolling in the deep] Edie: [soz you've got to die my love] Liam: [soz you both have, his poor mother] Edie: [yeah that is no fun] Liam: [soz both your kids are dead babe but we need it for the plot] Edie: [some people have the worst luck truly]

What is it about Malex?

I was playing around on my phone at work (when I should have been working lol) and came across some article about the best TV couples. It was published in 2018 so Malex wasn't in it lol

But I was going through the pictures in the article and I saw a lot of the couples I've liked & enjoyed over the years listed. Pacey & Joey, Captain Swan, Haleb, Stydia, Kurt & Blaine etc.

I started thinking...what is it about Malex that makes them extra special for me? What is it about them that made me join Tumblr and Twitter for the first time? I never had either before this year. What is it about them that made me write more fan fic in the span of 3 months than I have in years of watching other shows? And I'm someone who studied English Lit in university and have written many novels, hoping to finally pursue publishing this year with one of them. But the amount of fan fic I've typed out the past 3 months? My hands seriously hurt!

So why is Malex so special?

(I made a collage below)

Is it because they're an LGBTQ pairing? There have been other LGBTQ pairings I've rooted for. Malex isn't the first and they won't be the last. Times are changing in TV land and we're seeing more and more representation. It's progressing slowly, but it is changing.

Is the reason Malex is extra special a shallow reason? The actors are both incredibly good looking. No getting around that. But I loved Haleb too and Tyler was one half of that ship. I adore Joshua Jackson and Dylan O'Brien. I think Holland Roden is beautiful. In the couples I've followed over the years, all the actors & actresses have been attractive in their own ways.

-- side note -- I know I put Destiel (SPN) in the collage below even though technically they're not a couple but some of their lines over the past decade, I mean come on! It's so obvious! --

Anyway...

Is it the chemistry between Tyler & Michael? I thought Katie & Josh had amazing chemistry. Only reason I watched PLL was for Haleb and the friendship between Tyler & Ashley. Some of the couples I've rooted for really sizzled on screen. Do I think Vlamburn has better chemistry than all the others? Not necessarily. I think they tie for first with some of my other faves (although I would probably rank them above right now just because they're current).

So what is it about Malex that made me so emotionally invested that I joined social media like this? That I've written a bunch of fics and have so many other concepts cooking in my head.

I think it comes down to the angst at the end of the day and how the story has been written.

I've directed a lot of disappointment and anger towards Carina and the writers since that finale because I'm afraid the triangle will grow and span multiple seasons. I'm afraid the writers will show Michael really starting to have deep feelings for Maria the longer M&M exists (I know Vlamis said in those last interviews that his feelings for her are already very deep but sorry Vlamis. I love you but I don't see that yet.) I'm afraid now that they know they were renewed, they'll drag this storyline out, pursure M&M and then Michael with other relationships if/once M&M ends with Alex just waiting in the sidelines, moping and heartbroken.

But despite all my fears and disappointments after that craptastic finale (seriously, I can write a 20 page essay), I have to give the writers their credit.

The story they wrote, the beauty they created in Malex, with that amazing angst and history and love is the reason I'm so invested.

"Where I stand, nothing's changed"

"I never look away"

"That I loved you and I think that you loved me."

"Cosmic"

"But you are mine"

"I don't look away Guerin"

"I love him. I probably always will"

I mean, these lines all exist. No one can take those words away. Yes, the writers can try and diminish it by shoving another relationship down our throats & attempting to give that relationship the same level of meaning and importance (sorry, not buying it. Hardly anyone is). But those lines will always be there.

The epicness of Malex will always be there.

That beautiful first kiss in the reunion will always be there.

Their connection in senior year, bonding over their painful childhoods and living situations will always be there.

Caulfield, although bittersweet, will always be there.

Michael Guerin wanting to be Alex's hero will always be there.

The angst and love between them is just unbelievable. I don't think any other couple I've rooted for over the years has had the same amount of angst or history. Their story is just beautiful.

I don't cry too much in movies or TV shows unless there's a really sad death that hits me hard. LOST was one of those shows where I sobbed constantly (Jin & Sun's death, Juliet's, Charlie's...I could go on).

But I cried after that last scene in episode 6, when Jesse destroyed such a beautiful and pure moment 🥺

I cried at that moment in Caulfield 🥺

I cried at the finale, watching Alex just waiting there while Michael....let's not remind ourselves 🤨

So yes, the chemistry is unbelievable between Tyler & Michael. How close they are offscreen shines through their performance and this is in a cast where everyone's close. But with Vlamburn, especially from Michael, he's so unfiltered when he talks about Tyler's eyes or the way he kisses or just how much he loves him. What can I say, they make me love Malex more ❤

Yes, they're both incredibly good looking but that's a miniscule, shallow reason. How good looking a couple is in no way compares to how much their emotional connection matters, at least for me.

So really, it's the story. It's the history. It's all that profound, made for each other, soulmates love that they share. It's the incredible angst that makes me root for them even more.

And yes, as much as Carina and crew have angered me after that finale and after their insistance of shoving this triangle down our throats and in our faces, they did create Malex so I have to be grateful for that. Vlamburn perfected it and made it epic but the concept came from Carina (trust me, it hurts to give that credit).

So as much as it still hurts with what happened, as much as seeing the M&M promos bothers me, as much as I'll be a sobbing mess once season 2 hits and Alex realizes what happened, I have to believe that this much care and heartbreaking angst was given to this couple for a reason. That reason has to be that Malex is endgame.

Can Carina change her mind about Endgame Malex? Sure she can, if she wants to lose a substantial percentage of the fandom. But I can't believe she'll do that.

I can't believe that Malex is anything but each other's ending.

I can't believe that this beautiful love story we've seen between 2 men who started as scared, lonely boys and are now broken men trying to put themselves back together is anything short of EPIC.

I can't believe that M&M, however painful and ridiculously unnecessary, is anything but a bump in this road for Malex.

All that matters is how the writers take us from point A to B.

Does their separation last for 4 more seasons (pending renewals) and Malex reunites in the series finale, season 5? God I hope not. I need to see them existing as a couple together on screen, not just a kiss and makeup moment last episode and assume they made it. So once this teenage level of triangle nonesense has been dealt with (please let season 2 be the end of it!!!!), I really hope the writers realize the amazing couple they created and give them their due justice by bringing Malex together for good.

Episodes 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, last Malex scene of 9, beginning of 10 and all of 12 point this show towards one inevitable ending with Malex and that's reuniting (did I get the episodes right?). Just keep your fingers crossed it happens sooner rather than later. Right now, that's where my main fears lie.

This fandom has been super great about lending support to one another when things get tough. Unfortunately, things will get even tougher next season so it will be good to have this great support.

As far as the promos and interviews we'll be getting between now and 2020, I'll try to only watch interviews that Michael & Tyler give together and avoid anything that seems like M&M promotion (outside of full cast interviews or festivals etc). I love all the actors on this show. They're all wonderful and talented and deserve our love and support (not commenting on that Nathan instagram thing).

But as a Malex fan, I have no place in my life for unnecessary stress from a TV show because honestly, as invested as I am, it's still just a TV show. No need to give myself more heartbreak before season 2 even airs by watching pro M&M interviews like yesterday. I'll just stay in my happy Malex bubble until then (and then die when I see M&M next year 😭).

In the end of this long post, all I wanted to say is that Malex is extra special, head and shoulders above others ships I've rooted for and that's mostly because of the beautiful story I've seen on screen but Vlamburn defintely plays an imortant part in making it epic ❤

I'm a Malex lifer. Nothing will ever change that.

❤

Im still fucking fighting, i keep telling myself im not gonna let go & Fuck everyone else who thinks I should. But sometimes there's the opposite, im just lost & idk what to do....hes not gonna come back...so why should I bother to keep fighting 😔 If someone asks me...

Are they worth it? Absolutely. Because theres always room for improvement & growth, & we've been doing that apart for ourselves now for 7months. Did they give u the respect and attention u deserved? Are we not more valuable than that? Hell no & hell yes lol. Look I was happy just doing that for him but yea when it came to me honestly it was like nah im good 😒 & i know how fucked up it is that id go along with his selfishness but I did. I did deserve better & he knows I did... i just didnt wanna lose him & did anything he needed me for... but I ended up losing him anyway 😔 theres a reason why u work on that kinda shit & grow together as you go so everyone is happy, its fair to say we both lost sight...I was eager to learn everything about him cuz I wanted to be closer...but I was blocked out & pushed away, he wouldn't open up & talk to me or show feelings for anything, even of me when he used to all the time...like he was scared of being too attached or didnt want to get hurt..he didnt trust me or was afraid to show his true self or show any emotion that'd be viewed as weak due to the typical be a man complex. Idk I was confused & didnt know what was needed to help fix things so yea i walked on eggshells & me showing affection of my own free will was out of the question most of the time...I couldn't touch him unless he wanted me to & rare occurrences for my own satisfaction. Its the reason why I cried all the damn time, I felt avoided & unwanted because my own attention lacked pretty badly. How tf do I love a fucknugget bobblehead like that lmao, cuz I dont give 2 flying fucks he was my man ok! & being close enough to him made me happy enough I guess, I still looked at him like he was my world even if I wanted to slap him for making me feel so lonely at the same time. I admit his needs came b4 mine, he liked it more that way & I took care of him more than I did myself. But if he had more effort to take care of my needs in turn & I were happier than I was, & us happy at the same time, then maybe I wouldn't be so hard on myself...cry all the time & smoke like a chimney 🙁

I still don't fully understand why he held back, communicating with me on a deeper level is supposed to be natural & pretty much all normal couples show an appropriate amount of affection & understanding to eachother....but it was kept burried...was he afraid id hate him, judge him, make fun? No, id love him even more! Idc how dark he may think he is or whatever past bs he's gone through or even if he was lying about anything...its okay it can't hurt u anymore dear & we can overcome it just tell me what it is thats lacking & let's fix this. Id say "sit down babe, tell me everything, whats on your mind, what can I do to help 😊" & id give him the most gentle kiss on the forehead. I'd do anything to see a smile from that face & it makes me smile too. I want to help him, he needs somebody to hold just as much as I do cuz the fact of the matter is babe, he's just as broken as I am, we both need someone to put back our pieces & become whole again...after we try doing it solo it can only go so far b4 u want that physical presence of another again to help u more so. He keeps everything bottled up & especially didnt let me see what was happening to him I had no clue, if he didnt like talking to anyone he at least had me but still kept me away from him, whatever it was festered in him & he changed his whole demeanor toward me, he became colder & shut me out for good 😔 Making me feel even more unwanted. We didnt help eachother through our problems & I really wanted to, I wanted to save us for the longest time way b4 the end. Idk maybe if he put in as much effort & we knew how to function better together instead of a Corolla with just 2 wheels then we'd probably be fine...& our suspension wouldn't be dragging on the asphalt 😂 Its not all on him for fault, I take equal amount of responsibility, we failed eachother, we didn't know wtf we were doing & 9/10 it was just friends with benefits with only 1 of us in love & attached, & the other not really caring with side pieces to chat with 🤷‍♀️

U know what 🤬 They're right, he's right, & now I'm actually starting to accept it the more I write. Maybe just maybe,HE DOESN'T DESERVE ME AT ALL. Im still upset and frustrated. To answer the question again from earlier no maybe he's not worth it. I suffered through his bs and 10fold heartbreak afterward!! If he can't own up, right his wrongs & bring us both peace then no he's not worth suffering for afterall, and ive been loving the wrong soul this whole damn time 😣 He kicked me to the curb cuz he a fucking coward! He cant admit his wrongdoings, ask for forgiveness, say im sorry or actually put the tiniest bit of effort into a relationship to make it work, but instead disposes of me so he wouldn't have to confront any of it & just continue on like nothing happened are fucking kidding me!!?? I thought u were smarter than this, its beneath you to just run away & pretend I never mattered to you when we both know I did!!!....& im crying again. Im still feeling the betrayal apparently, ill never be able to trust him fully again anyway, let alone other men now. I dont hate you, I love you very much. But I hate the evil from you that you've shown me. I should've known honestly, I was naive to see all types of disrespect but this was the worst part. I still love him but i do deserve better than that & I hope he's changed his ways. Trust a guy with a high track record of ladies & a handful of em in their hand..what u think 🤔 can trust be gained back? Can I get over the bad uncalled for lying shit he's said about me to other women to make himself look better? Idk 🤷‍♀️ I haven't been able to rest without closure for so long, but enough is enough im making my own. You're absolutely right, you'd just manipulate me further, I thought maybe we could be better than before...round 2 at some point in the future...but maybe we're not salvageable after all. Thats up to u, I did everything I could, but now if u were to ever come back idk if I'd jump into your arms or slam the door in your face, I just dont know. Its better that I try never speaking of u again, or think of you for as long as I can so that I can heal better....cuz loving you even after the fact is tearing me apart & making me lose focus on what matters more, myself. I fought valiantly as long as I could, 7 months is a long time to not shut up about u lol.. maybe you've been hearing me I wouldn't know. I have to force it or ill never be able to, ill still silently grieve but as much as it hurts, Its time. U were my rock, an asshole but a good one, the best gamer I got to know, a boss at alot of things, with the cutest lil butt, & somehow the love of my life. Other than maybe something valentines or anniv related in Feb ofcourse....Ur getting what u wanted, I have to do whats best for me now, I have to let u go. I held on for so long but Im really tired & emotionally drained, im just torturing myself when i need to stop, im defeated, nobody won anything, everyone got hurt in 2020 why should our relationship be any different, id say we gave it our all be we both know we didnt. This hurts me so much to do, like my heart is breaking again. Bye babe, I love you with all my heart. 💋💞 💟

I tried to do what I could but if he left, I just gotta try to move on. If I take him back, I gotta consider how that's gonna look like & if I really got past the damage he did....obviously theres some I still haven't 😔 Its what im telling myself while trying to move past this. Others going through the same...We're in love and they ain't. We can't control their actions but we can control our actions. Im not a toxic person..only to myself, I love with all my heart, nobody bothers to understand...they just judge

Quarantine life 🍃

Another day has passed. I think this year serves as an unpredictable break for all of us. I wonder when will this pandemic be over or how long this is likely to last. Majority of us are still spending much more of our time at home. So might as well we stay entertained. We all have different things of what we can do to keep ourselves busy. Because we don't know during this pandemic some of us will slowly going stir crazy not able to go outside and do the things we're used to. So let me share to you my quarantine life. During the 1st and 2nd week, my colleagues and I started to play volleyball, footballand jumping rope. But as days went by, we got bored 😅😏 In the long run, everyone's living their own lives inside each Villa. We even turned the days into nights, nights into days right now. We sleep during daytime, and awake during night time. And having our first meal of the day around 5-6pm. One time I woke up for no reason and went outside around noon time, and literally there's nobody outside (except the security guards). I learned playing UNO cards (thanks to our Italian pastry chef hihi). I wasn't informed that my foreign workmates are into water gun fighting lmao. (i think they ran out of things to do that it leads them to buy water guns and running and playing like kids inside the compound). They even asked me one time to go out because they said it was emergency and by the moment I came out from the door (in a rush, cause they told me to hurry up, and FYI I am fresh from the shower that time and already in my PJs) to my surprise, they gave me another bath by throwing me a huge pot of water haha and of course they did the same thing to the others. Yahh, they're really having fun enjoying games like these :)) So this is one of the crazy things this quarantine made us do. And sometimes when I'm in the mood, I play dress up and wasting my make-up for a 15second tiktok video, selfies and room pictorials 😎 I also binge watching netflix specially korean dramas, I'm not really into these kind of movies before, but big thanks to Rachel for introducing me to Kdrama world hehe. I am starting to get addicted and can't get rid of it now. I just love how they act so genuine in every scene in a movie and I cry so easily while watching huhu they're just so real and true as if it's not scripted hayyys. Mapapa-SANA ALL ka nalang 😀 I also started my home workout with a little help from an app. This has been my plan for a long time ago to get a 6-pack abs haha but i don't know why I keep failing at this exercise thingy. But at this very moment, I am on my 36th day of straight workout, with 107 workouts and 853 minutes (cause I have all the time to do it now, no excuses lol). Yup, the app I am using comes with a calendar progress haha. I always do my workout right before I go for a shower. My roommate and I decided to go out sometimes for a walk around neighborhood, we do it every 2 days or if feel namin maglakad haha. Our goal is to have a minimum of 8,000-10,000 steps and sometimes we reach 13,000 steps and it feels so so good. But later on, I can't stop overeating again right after every workout hahaha whyyy. In fairness, I can now see a little improvement from trying so hard working out my ass. We stopped working last March 16, 2019 so exactly today marks the 73rd day being unemployed haha. And thanks to our company who never abandon and still supporting us. They still provide us home and food and giving us atleast the 25% of our whole salary every month, since there's no business. Though it is not much, but it's better than to have nothing, right? It is sort of getting paid just by sitting our ass of all day on the couch and watch netflix hahaha.(I'm feeling guilty right now lol) They still doing the right thing despite of this coronavirus crisis. And I'm so grateful for that and for every little thing I have right now. I hope everyone is doing well and that all of you are in good health, and this ongoing crisis will teach all of us many important lessons about life. 🙂😊🙏🏻 -jedang