#and those two things were just too close
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Couldn't decide which color/lighting scheme I liked better :)
#switch left and right in the following statements. i decided to swap the order after posting lol#one on the left is more 'comfortable' for me I suppose#one on the right is more kinda vaporwave vibes#i like both!!#danny phantom#dp#blob ghosts#ghost blobs#that one is trying to eat his shoelace#i originally planned on just having glowing boba but then i decided to add the ghost blobs#and those two things were just too close#the blobs won over the boba
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I got these shoes from someone recently but thought they were way too plain looking, so I set out on a quest to customize them with some sharpies and charms and miscellaneous ribbon I had in my craft drawers. Mostly sky themed (clouds, rainbows, rain, stars, etc.) because that's my favorite aesthetic, but I had to include some cat imagery as well, of course lol.
#also honestly had NO IDEA that real converse have that star logo on the INSIDE not the outer part??? why the hell would you want it on the#inner portion where nobody can see it?? my entire life I always would have sworn it was on the outer facing portion..#I think these would be perfect IF they were just slightly taller (top part higher above ankles instead of just weird hard material digging#right into your ankle whenever you walk) and if they were actual good platforms. they're so short. It's good that 'chunky' shoes are gettin#more popular as they've always been my favorite Look ever since I had these shoes with roller skates that pop out of thebottom (not heelys.#but like. before those. it was two whole entire roller skate wheels like a normal pair of roller skates) and the bottoms were so tall and#clunky and it made my feet look giant (because it had.. entire wheels in the bottom pockets lol). so#I've alwatys been into the aesthetic but . still I find a lot of the 'brands jumping on trend' are too short of platforms#OR they're plafrorms with a raised back/heel/wedge which to me is not aesthetically good and also makes them exceptionally uncomfortable to#wear compared to just plain completely flat chunky platform bottoms. ANYWAY.. if these shoes had a 3 or 4 inch platform I think they'd be#cooler. however for what they are it's still fine! and I like them more now that they actually have some sort of anything to them and#aren't just plain white. The weird thing is that the material it's made out of (maybe some sort of leather or something) absorbs sharpie?#the color changes over time. You draw a mark and then leave it for a few days and it either fades into being barely there or has changed#colors. so I had to go back in and redo parts. ALSO the shoe chains are so funny because I did NOT have the right tools for them#I don't have the stuff to make bracelets or open and close the little rings. they're held onto the shoe with just safety pins and the actua#little rung things that hold the charms on half of them are like broken or the metal is just jam smushed together bent and warped hhbjhjhb#I actually like the back a lot where there's the irridecent star thing hot glued on there. it's cool and shiny. and the clouds#are sparkly on the main parts of the shoe though I'm not sure how well it shows up in pictures#ANYWAY... shoegs..... If I were rich this is one of the things I would definitely custom order from craftsman#why would I spend like thousands of dollars on plain ass shoes that are just expensive because they're a Luxury Brand when I could literall#like pay people to create me custom shoes to my exact specifications?? I could have like 5 inch flat platform boots with fur andclouds#and cat shaped holes in the bottom with LEDs in them with pom pom and charms and etc. etc. etc. Like as gaudy and excessively over#decorated as I want lol.. AND they could have skates in the bottom somehow!! ghjgbhjb#this on top of all the custom wizard costumes and period clothing I would order.. Like i LOVE customizing things. I love everything in my l#life being as particualr as possible and cultivating every experience I have to meticulously meet my own specific criteria as much#as is possible. If I had the money to I would never buy something from a store again. EVERYTHING I owned from furniture to clothing#would be either made by me - or mostly - comissioned from craftsmen. custom tiles for my floors. custom bed. custom table.#even like. custom toilet. custom sinks. etc. etc. ouGGH... but yeah.. anyway... shoes..
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FINALLY DONE WITH THE ISAT OC! SOLEIL!!!
The creature... So first things first is some info about them pre- disappearance of The Country. They're a loyal follower and avid worshipper of The Country. They love the Universe sooo much that they made a wish to be able to read the stars, and the Universe answered. I like to think that the stars are talkative, some can predict what will happen in the near future, some are just "chatting" to each other about the stuff happening in the world they overlook. It's a somewhat useful ability that Soleil used to use to be able to either predict someone's future (rarely though, the stars hold many different futures and it's hard to figure out which is whose) or use it during funeral rites to have a more reassuring experience to the ones mourning that their loved one arrived safely among the stars.
And then they found out about The Cursing of Chateau Castle-- they kiiiinda got Really obsessed with the book series that they wanted to know more about it but there wasn't any more copies of it in the Country's language so what better way to deal with that but teaching itself how to understand the Vaugardian language, and by doing that they got to learn more about the Vaugardian culture and was really amazed by it (considering that they spent most of their life with the Country's culture instead, learning about a different culture is a great feeling). One thing led to the other and it also led Soleil to travelling to Vaugarde (something that their family wasn't all that happy with but they stay silly).
And so we're back at the present time! Now to talk about some details on its appearance.
Its Craft type is Scissors! The eye on the center of its chest and the eye by its nape are in fact EYES and not just accessories (although they did try to make the eye on its chest appear to be like a mix between a star shape and the Change Symbol).
After spending some time in Vaugarde, they learned about Body Craft in which case they decided to experiment with it in regards to its eyes.
Since being in Vaugarde, there wasn't much use to its star sight and there also isn't a way to "turn it off." So instead, they decided to separate its Normal sight from the Star sight by adding another pair of eyes on its body.
The eyes on its face are blind. They can't see through it anymore but they Can still see the stars (they can't read it anymore however cuz of the Country's disappearance).
If they focus on the stars using those eyes, they'd get a REALLY bad headache and a star sign appears on its eyes. Nothing to be afraid of probably, its head just Really hurts.
The glass covering the eye on its nape is a one way mirror. You won't be able to see the eye but the eye can still see you.
With its vision split, it actually took them awhile to get used to that. It takes a lot of concentration and focus to see both from behind and from the front. When Soleil gets tired from doing that, they either close the eye on its nape (if the place is safe enough) or unfocus it enough to the point that most of its vision becomes blurry with only being able to see blobs of shapes and shadows which helps them be alert enough in case something comes running at them from behind.
All the round objects you see on its body are Bombs. They found out about Bomb Craft in Jouvente and was so fascinated by it that their inventor brain (inventing, crafting, and repairing stuff is a special interest of theirs). They now like making bombs and inventing new ones (only they have the recipe of those).
The bombs they invented only detonates via a Craft spell, it's basically as safe as an ordinary ball to handle unless detonated. Also the scissors at the top of their head has a cover on its tip. It's Very Sharp. They mainly use that (either the tip or the scissor blades itself) to cut the bombs dangling on its body.
Despite the multitude of bombs they carry, they aren't actually much of a fighter (they just like bombs). Most of its Craft spells are basic/beginner level. The one and only Powerful Craft spell they have is a shield/defense spell that they practiced several times. It's capable of negating all damage for 2 turns with a 5 turn cooldown, they wanted to master that spell to make it so that bombs won't hurt them no matter the close proximity.
Its hand signs are "broken." They used to mimic the hand signs that the Universe (I'm mainly referring to my design of the Universe) makes. But after forgetting about everything in regards to it, they can't remember what hand signs they used to make but the familiar feeling was still there.
A huge fan of The Cursing of Chateau Castle, to the point of practically making it part of its identity now that a HUGE chunk of its memory is missing. Its outfit is a modified version of what they think Lady Irene-Janine-Karine wears.
Its personality is a mixture of Lord Josephandre, Pierre-Jacques-Erneste, and Lady Irene-Janine-Karine (aka the Chateau Trio!!! Love those three...).
Its name, "Soleil" is just something they found in a book and decided to use for itself. They don't remember its name anymore.
#ariart#ariaoc#isat oc#isat spoilers#theres some danger in the fact that sol took pierres personality too considering that pierre betrayed the party that one time--#honestly if i think about sol harder i begin to realize that theres A LOT of things wrong about them mentally#what forgetting a country with a belief system you were incredibly loyal to does to someone i think.#also making it so that sol was the npc that translated that one issue of the cursing of chateau castle from vaugardian#into the language of the Country. if you were to enter its home. youll be greeted by a LOT of bookcases and shelves and books#and therell be at least 4 of those dedicated to the cursing of chateau castle. original version and the ones they translated#there will ofc be sections where its about the Country tho. actually i think if siffrin visited its home he'll be able to know more#about the Country. if he became close friends enough to be able to enter the rooms with the books of it. sol couldnt read them#anymore but feels as though those books were important so they moved it elsewhere for safekeeping. making sure to maintain it too#also yea you can now see exactly how im pushing the isat worldbuilding to its limits via body craft#i like to think that if in case body craft operates in a similar manner to alchemy in that by Changing something theres an equal#exchange to be given. if its Changing your appearance to a new one then the equal value to be exchanged is the Old appearance#but if for example theres a missing body part. youd have to find Something else of equal value to replace it then#and by going off of that same principle. if a body part has two functions (like with sol's eyes having a special sight to it)#then by Changing its appearance. the equal value follows the same principle of the: exchange Old for New#except that in sol's case. with the addition of a body part that has two functions. technically speaking they can Separate the#two functions while still following the usual method. it's just that now theres another set of eyes on its body. still a New appearance tho
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A piece of media can have a group of people who are wayy too hard on it and the same piece of media can also be imperfect. Like, the urge to defend and negate any valid critiques is there but that’s also not good. The same piece of media can bring you so much joy too btw.
#this is about Hazbin hotel#/helluva boss#I often see critiques that are wayy too hard on it like people criticising the designs for beeing unanimateable#which is wild to me. like?? none of the animators (to my knowledge) spoke up about it but that’s a huge critique of some characters#(I do realise that speaking up could also risk their job but still)#we have no idea what goes on in vivziepop’s studio. where did that come from#or that the animators were slutshaming Angel with the signs in loser baby when like..#the point is that he has all those things happen to him or said about him (in various degrees of validity) but he is not closing himself ofg#anymore and getting the strength to overcome his struggles in community??#that beeing said the pacing in Hazbin hotel is very much off#and there are things I wish we could have focused on more#or HELL the whole voice cast beeing replaced by more high profile actors when some of them are deadass just trying to sound like the og ones#so what is the point.#those voodoo symbols on Alastor’s trading card are also sorta iffy#this was written before I watched the last two episodes#btw so please don’t spoil me
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sometimes i think about the fact my grandparents literally overnight just cut us off and im like. how did u even do that. does it torment you
#eeaao's 'how did you let me go so easily' moment. like i dont let myself even THINK about this too often#bc i immediately beat myself back with the 'if it's hard for you then imagine how hard it is for mum. her PARENTS cut her off'#but like. idk. my nan i couldn't give less of a shit about which is something i always find so interesting#bc even as a child with NO basis for it or any understanding of her behaviour both past and present i still wasn't Comfortable around her#like children are smart actually. i just Knew her vibes were off and i Knew my mum was weird when she was around#like i truly dont think i ever loved my nan even when she was a very frequent part of my life#but my grandad? i ADORED him. id see him multiple times a week and he's the kindest man ive ever met#and hannah what i told you about my mum saying certain people have magnetic auras THAT WAS ABOUT HIM#like i cant actually put into words what it was about him but people just wanted to know him and spend time with him#but he was weak and let my nan walk all over him and when push came to shove he chose her and now ive not spoken to him in 3 years#& i KNOW he loved me. he thought the world of me like it's a bitter unspoken thing between me & my sister that we KNOW i was his favourite#he used to buy me egg butties at agricultural shows when my mum said no and specifically ask for two eggs#he used to sit and eat his soup with me when he came over to do work at the house#he used to play with me. he used to smile all the time. i can so clearly hear the way he'd go ''iya [my name]' with his proper rural accent#or how he'd tell anyone who would listen 'she's tough as old boots that one'#and i could make him laugh like NO ONE else could and he'd light up and go 'give over' and he genuinely enjoyed my company#i KNOW HE DID. and i havent spoken to him in 3 years. he'll be dead soon#and i cant talk to my mum about it bc it's her DAD it is so much worse for her and i cant talk to my sister about it#bc she wasn't close with him like i was and she just shuts the conversation down and those are the only two people#who know my grandad and know what he meant to me so im just here like. he literally stopped speaking to me overnight#i stopped hearing from him i stopped meeting up with him im so so angry with him the love is still there i dont know where to put it now#why couldnt he stay. why did he pick her when she's a loveless void of inhumanity. why werent we enough#hella goes home#my grandparents on my dad's side are also not in the picture funnily enough but idgaf about them. she got that grandparentless swag
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The meower
#Queued... technically March 23rd?#I mean its march 22nd in oregon. but im not there rn lolz#either way im late. SORRY !! i forfor to queue on the 20th then i was on planes for like 21 hrs total#well no 5 of those were a layover @ the airport but#ANYWAYYYYY hi future me !!!#Howww was the trip? im on my first (second actually- its 4am of the second day if u coukd the arrival) day in Hong Kong#Its rlly hot and humid so I think im gonna die. BUT ITS ALSO SUPER COOL !!#Even just from the few hours I had out earlier its amazingggg. The lights and the buildings are so cool and theres such a fun but chaotic#atmosphere - idk if its just bcs its a big city or specific to HK?#I loveee large cities in general. New york. Tokyo. HK. thats all of the ones ive been to ig#I havent seen even close to all of HK. Im in central rn but we're goin to other parts later#Dad says the other parts are totally different- Like theres LOADS of gisnt buildings here (WAY MORE THAN U SEE IN ******!!! u know that tho#and theyre almost all residential of the ones I passed. Im sure theres offices n stuff i just didnt see them in the likd 20 minutes cab#ride lolz. U know all tuis already tho#ig what im getting at is HOW WAS THE TRIP !!!!! How was the rest of HK? WHAT WAS KYOTO LIKE??#augh soo many cool things.....#Also also !! Have you learned any mire katakana?#ive JUST learned the vowel line so maybe u lesrned the k line now too?#I cant imagine school is any different. OHH DID U FINISH THE M P 10P COMIC??#I started it and got abt one page done on the plane#I think it should only end up being two or three pages idk#Ohh !! Hows the new meds going !! I think u should have ur blood test done by now so do u know if it helped at all?#I hope soooooooooooo#Mm I think thats all I have to say .... NO WAIT HAVE U HUNG OUT W/ JACKIE??#i rlly want to b friends with her ^.^#Alright Thats all !! HAVE A GOOD DAYYYYYY I LOVE U#queue drop#weather report#WAIT EDIT DID THE TRIGUN VOLUME COME. HOW IS IT
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oh dear.
from what I've seen (on my dash) I feel like I'm the only one who was okay with that ending?
BBC ghosts spoilers in the tags
#bbc ghosts#bbc ghosts spoilers#maybe i'll change my mind idk#i daren't venture into the tag yet#like people are making some very valid points but i just like that it keeps various possibilities open while also being a close#im glad nothing shocking happened to the ghosts like all moving on or smth#that would have been much worse imo#and I remember before s5 people were suggesting an ending like that and lots of people liked the idea??#i think sometimes ppl build things up too much only to be disappointed by any outcome#i guess my main criticism is that it should have been a longer episode or two parter to build up to that ending properly#like one ep about betty and the exorcism#and the second one for the ghosts to decide alison should leave and bringing her around to the idea#but they were probably constrained on that front by their bbc contract#it'll be interesting to come back to this one with a whole series rewatch in future and see how it feels then#kinda sad that so many people will see it as one of those shows with a disappointing ending like many pre-existing series#and just want to erase their knowledge of it#maybe im just so determined not to make it one of those bc i want to love this show forever
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#like ik i just started in january so it hasnt been THAT long but damn. will i ever get a call back from these job applications HDJJDJDJDJDJD#two of them did just close wed n fri of last week so like i can still have hope#????#those were the two ive been most qualified for so far.#idk idk. im just gonna have to hang in there#the ppl ik who graduated with me and have jobs... all except one stayed with their coops#the one that didnt had been applying for awhile. like during the whole last semester#hhhh i just have to be patient djdjdjdjjd#one of my other friends is in the same boat as me. but she started even later bc she went to see her family that she hadnt seen in#a really long time. i dont blame her at all. thatd be the first thing i did too after graduating dbndndndnndndn#ya.... need to remain hopeful. just gotta keep trying#personal#im grateful too that positions are kind of opening all the time and at all sorts of comapnies#i didnt have that amount of options n freedom in my last career so its really nice.... tho much more corporate#tho i guess it depends on the company....... idk. i hope i can get a good job. feel like ive had enough shitty jobs in my life#i want better for myself.....
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it’s actually so terrible how you can go to a place and then leave and never ever be able to go back there ever again with no warning at all.
#my friend just got their weird large decorative giraffe statue thing (as a sort of strange joke gift) and it’s so odd. but it’s very similar#to the wooden decorative giraffes my grandma used to have in her apartment (also kind of strange) and I was thinking of them. and her apartm#ent. and she moved out of that place really abruptly and into a care home two summers ago. and I was too busy with work to go down and help#her move. but they did it so fast that she had to just throw out a lot of things. I’m assuming those giraffes were included and it’s all#gone now. like I’ve seen her new place. though that place is done too now cause she moved again last month. but it’s like. I spent so many#hours in that apartment over Years. and I can never go back. like I kind of hated that apartment but I miss those giraffes.#and don’t even get me started on my other grandparents home. I used to sleep over in their house and I spent even more time there.#and then those guys moved to a condo and now some strangers own that house. and they painted the siding and cut down the big tree and they#always keep the curtains on the bay window closed. and it’s literally sick that this is how the world is#wow sorry that’s so long. um. this is what a decorative giraffe statue can do to a guy
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Imagine finally going on your laptop to work on your project that is rapidly becoming due because u beat the executive dysfunction and finding ALL your files deleted (art, apps, sentimental screenshots etc)
And then while you’re fixing your dad’s dumbass mistake file explorer itself corrupts 😞
#FORTUNATELY with my son Dism (the Deployment Image Servicing and Management tool) I was able to fix it 😌#Which reminds me of when this laptop had it’s usb and camera functions corrupted too#That was a whole affair that involved me having a seperate laptop for a while but the most humiliating thing#was after I came back to this one and had it factory reset my dad said it was from a bad double image#and I’m like 😭😭😭 we could’ve used the DISM… like my beloved head child#Ok real talk the nature of how Dism’s name came about is going to have to come out sooner or later#I was planning on taking it with me to the grave but Dolphin consider this a treat for us becoming so close#It’s extremely embarrassing but it’s also 100% the truth#Dism and Archus have their names taken from a persona YouTube channel I used to watch obsessively…..#like the channel name literally is their two names smooshed together in that order#The funny thing is as I got older I learnt that those names were actually the names of the YouTuber’s OCs themselves 😅#They REALLY were meant to be placeholder names but when the time came I really couldn’t find anything that suited#Dism better than his non-name 😅 it’s too fitting to the story and his character even now. especially now.#And I really love the dichotomy between the warm and loved Archie vs the cast-off broken Archus it’s so good for him too#And as a side-note. My Dism is the superior Dism ✨#just pav things
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And we found this catalogue of the Splendid World of Needle Art Exhibition held in 1999 in honour of the Romanian Year in Japan (which I had no idea about!) at the Museum’s Gift Shop.
#my entries#I love the little introduction about Queen Marie#and the descriptions about our wedding traditions#(or what they once were)#wow there was such a thing as a Romanian Year in Japan#in Japan!?#and I've just realised I have photos of Queen Marie's dress up close on my camera roll from two years ago#maybe I'll upload those here too
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#midnight thoughts before going to bed (feel free to ignore)#but today i realized two major things about myself and my mental illness#1. i was reminded that when you have an anxiety disorder your body has a hard time telling the difference between anxiety and excitement#and suddenly my whole life made sense lol#the amount of times i didn't do something that i really wanted to do because it caused me MAJOR anxiety#and it was probably excitement actually but my body went into full fight or flight mode#and 2. i realized that my masking is actually causing me physical pain#like this is of course of i am actually autistic. i still feel like i can't say i am cause i have no right you know?#but objectively i'm like 98% sure i have autism#ANYWAYS masking is usually just forcing eye contact or not stiming in public (as much)#but today i realized that when i hear loud noises or too many at the same time my instinct is to cover my ears#but i don't because that's ''weird'' or will make people ask questions that i don't really know how to answer#so i don't cover my ears i just sit through it in actual pain and hope for the best#and the worst part of this is that when i say ''masking in public'' i mean in my own damn home#because of my mom and the fact that she doesn't believe i have issues#i think it's my fault tho i shouldn't have mentioned my self diagnosis while we were watcing the good doctor (and later attorney woo)#because those two are her only reference for what autism is/looks like and i'm not like that#i mean for the most part... the good doctor was the reason i realize i might be autistic#and woo's struggle with revolving doors hit a bit too close to my heart lol#but anyways...#i need to deal with my out of control anxiety#and i'm pretty sure i am autistic...#those are the conclusions of this post lol#angel talks#personal
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I had been thinking about rereading the road goes ever on to make a list of all the movie references I put in (which is coming shortly). The conversation I had on here (with possibly two different anons?) about how I wished I’d had more time to develop the final chapter and whether I’d go back and make edits to that chapter now that it’s published lit a fire under me to actually do that reread. I finished it tonight, and discovered that, now that I’ve got enough distance from the fic to read it more from the perspective of a reader than from the perspective of a writer working on editing a WIP, there’s really only one thing about the final chapter that I’d actually want to change:
I never put a scene in the epilogue that shows that Kali’s still occasionally posing as Conners and working (possibly with Owens’ help) to sabotage any further attempts by the government to keep the whole ‘kidnapping psychics’ thing going or to open a new Gate.
#listen i TOLD you guys i cannot shut up about this fic#and yeah I was being too self-critical. I was too close to the fic and dwelling too much.#the final chapter is solid and it does what I wanted it to do. the ending is satisfying. the one thing I thought was a minor continuity erro#is actually dealt with in an earlier scene! I fixed it and then forget I'd fixed it!#the fic is good! the mystery is well-constructed! it did a number of things I'm very proud of!#and I need to remember those things instead of just dwelling on how it felt when I was trapped in editing hell#because nobody else was there in editing hell with me! and now it's Out of editing hell! and it actually came out looking pretty damn good!#the fic is good and I feel good about it. and I will try to keep that in mind the next time I feel like undercutting my own work#anyway thank u anon(s?) from whenever that was and also I'm sorry for being a wet hen#(I also never put a scene in the epilogue that showed Kali going back to her crew with her new understanding about relying on people#and that they weren't trying to mutiny against her they were trying to PROTECT her because that's what families do)#(if I were to go back to it i'd add those two scenes and not make a single other change)#(actually on reflection those might be just two elements of one scene.)
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Just curious, Why won’t you write Sylvain and Claude fics?
I've talked about it before from similar asks, here and here! I'd just be regurgitating the same answers basically lol.
#DCB Ask#the basic answer is me rly rly no likey but also the fandom seems to be like#idk obsessed with sexualizing them/the ship? or at least on Twitter and like#it reeeeally made me go from neutral/not caring about it to being icked out about it#it's a combination of ruined by the fandom and me not liking it#like I don't mind them interacting and stuff but as a ship I don't like it#there are other ships I reeeeally don't like and normally wouldn't write#esp in the SK fandom but I'm like. money over preference for the most part#except in a few really specific cases where I'm like. nope sir!#that one is more of just a... in no circumstance do I think I'd be able to write it#like I could technically write for ships I don't like like some of the SK ones yeah I could technically do it#even if I didn't rly prefer to or want to but would for the comm's sake#but for this ship in particular it's one of those iggly wiggly ships you just don't like and#it's this like... I can tell I know I can't write it lol. I don't know if that makes sense fjksgjhgd#Asb31/Ch3r1a is a totally different circumstance tho bc that's a chemistry thing AND like#they totally just paired them in that game bc they were like OH NO THE TWO MAIN MALE CHARS ARE WAAAY TOO CLOSE#THEY MUST BE SEPARATED FROM THE GAY WE MUST NOT ALLOW THEM TO BE TOGETHER#PAIR HIM WITH THE FEMALE HE ARGUES WITH ALL THE TIME AND DOESN'T GET ALONG WITH!#WE MUST DO WHATEVER IT TAKES TO PROVE HE'S DEFINITELY NOT INTO THE GUY HE'S INTO!!!#so that one's like. I hate it AND it left a bitter taste in my mouth
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#im uh. well im not doing so well rn#im a touch depressed#im hungry so i opened doordash to order something#but i almost dont want to#because the thought of leaving my bed is so difficult even if im leaving my bed for taco bell#yesterday and today were my weekend and ive been needing to shower for all of those days#but instead of showering today do you know what i did? would you like to know?#i layed down. i layed my head down like i was going to take a nap but i couldnt#so i just layed down with my eyes closed for three hours because i couldnt do anything else#i need to pick up some meds from the pharmacy. i havent been able to do it. i need to do so many things#but all i can do is lay in bed. completely numb. i dont feel a damn thing rn#i have an interview on monday for an opportunity that is really important and exciting. but i dont feel anything#no anxiety. no happiness. nothing#i dont have any anger or sadness or happiness inside of me even though i have so many reasons to feel all of that#but i can't feel. i can't get out of bed. i might call off of work tomorrow#maybe another day off will help me get stuff done. i doubt it but at least i wouldn't have to work#i called off two weeks ago too. i feel like I've become a bit of a disappointment at this job#i really like my boss. he took a chance by hiring me. but I'm probably disappointing him. i did that at my last job too#but this is a shitty job and definitely contributing to my depression#so i dont feel too bad#i might have a bit of a theory#yesterday and the day before yesterday i got a bunch of news that should make me angry and/or sad#really angry and/or sad. but yesterday my numbness started#i think maybe my brain is kind of shutting down all emotions so that i dont have to deal with the big ones i dont want to deal with#thats my theory at least. or maybe my mood stabilizers decided to stop working again. or maybe im not getting enough sun#the way to start healing would probably be to face those emptions but i really dont want to do that#i dont feel like a real person right now
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My biggest frustration with the left has always been the inability/unwillingness to work on making progress inside of the system while advocating for greater change.
I remember the first time I came to this realization.
I was nineteen, pregnant. We couldn’t afford to heat the house because we couldn’t afford the deposit to turn the gas on. It was miserably cold. The duplex we were renting was old and rickety and drafty. The window frames were messed up and there were cracks you could stick your finger through that were open to the elements.
Just, like, to give you an idea where we were financially. And this was better than we’d been doing before!
Anyway, I had recently started going to DSA meetings. And that month, they were talking about how a moderate democrat had successfully gotten a small increase in WIC benefits monthly. It came out to, like, $10 a month.
The members talking—mostly male, almost all doing decent—were scornful. The democrat should have pushed harder and gotten more, refused to accept anything until everyone else caved to their demands. I remember sitting there, quietly drinking the latte in the smallest size they had that I had bought with scrounged quarters, listening. Wishing it wasn’t held in an indie coffee shop because it was a luxury I really couldn’t afford, but it would be rude not to. Enjoying the coffee anyway.
I was one of the lucky ones who was getting that additional $10 a month through WIC. Even more exciting, we were now getting a voucher for the farmers’ market. I casually mentioned that WIC recipients would now be getting farmers’ market vouchers, too.
The guy who organized the meetings was a hard worker, passionate guy. Did something in tech.
He was like, “That’s the thing! These people don’t want farmers market vouchers. They want—” and he went on to describe a bunch of pie in the sky desires. That, yeah, sounded good.
But one. I was one of those people! A lot if the tamiles were super excited about it, myself included.
I had never been to a farmers’ market before. I tried arugula for the first time, a piece pulled from a bunch by the grower as he explained the flavor difference. I hadn’t known before then that different lettuce greens had different flavors, that it was more than just the texture and shape. I tried pesto, which delighted me. Goat cheese. I got three full pounds of strawberries for two dollars, since they were closing soon and the old man selling the berries got a kick out of me.
Anyway. It was like, you have a decent life. Not great but decent! The things that are life changing for me, for us… you already have.
The ten dollars at the grocery store made the difference between a meal of broken-noodles-with-some-half-horrible-pantry-scraps and a meal. It kept me full and healthy! And the additional farmers’ market voucher was world changing for me.
The democrat who worked for those things barely got them through. And it was means tested to hell and back. They weren’t able to get everything they wanted. But what they got made such a huge difference for me, for people like me.
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