I know you're not fond of Twilight Princess, but what would you think if they brought back worldbuilding elements from it (the Twilight world and Midna, mainly) to a newer game? I'm not familiar enough with the series to know a whole lot, but that stuff at least seems really neat to me from my secondhand knowledge, but if Twilight Princess was as bad as you say... I would love to see them revisit it somehow with the BotW/TotK continuity.

i have this. thing about twilight princess. we know this. but genuinely even looking at the lore from an objective standpoint i think trying to pull any of it into other games is a bad decision at best and actively detrimental to the new game in question at worst. there are two main reasons for this:

the first is that mainline, non-sequel zelda games have a general rule about standing alone. in order for the games to remain accessible to players of all ages and backgrounds, every original (non-sequel) zelda title has to be able to function as an introduction to the franchise, meaning any lore required to understand the story must be exposited WITHIN the story of that game. the few lore-points that HAVE been adapted from other games (sacred realm, oot ganondorf, talking sword) are generic enough that they can be explained briefly within the story without taking too much time away from the player's journey. while those of us who ARE versed in the lore might have a deeper understanding of the overarching implications of these elements, NOT understanding the history behind them isn't going to impede your understanding or enjoyment of the game. for example, this is likely the practical reason why fi was never named or appeared in botw beyond her generic sound effect and the glowing of the sword, because even players who don't KNOW fi are able to tell from context that the sword is magical and is speaking. not knowing who fi is doesn't impede your ability to understand how and why the sword is speaking, given the rest of the context of botw's story. the two elements of tp that you mentioned, the twilight realm and midna, are VERY difficult from a writer's standpoint to work into a game without requiring the player to understand the plot of twilight princess. neither element easily fits into a new cycle's story without requiring a ton of expositional explanation which will inevitably take players out of the story, and relying on convoluted lore that new players won't even be familiar with to drive your story just sets you up for failure.

the second reason is that, from a writer's standpoint, neither midna nor the twilight realm were well-written enough in TP to be compelling. lmao. If you're going to adapt world-altering lore like the twilight realm into consistent canon, you need to have a firm grasp on the implications of adapting it. even the writers of TP had no fucking clue what the twilight realm was or where it came from or how it tied into the existing world of hyrule at all. literally the first sentence on the zelda wiki for twilight realm history is "The Twilight Realm's full history is incomplete." adding something like a new dimension to your consistent canon is world-altering. when you do something like that, it HAS to be thought-out and for good reason, or you're just confusing your audience unnecessarily. IF the twilight realm was to be brought back, it would HAVE to be with explicit knowledge of of how it effects the narrative and theming of the story its being written into, something that wasn't even present in the game where it was introduced. the same goes for midna; if you bring her back, she needs a reason to be there. she needs narrative weight and thematic consistency with the entire rest of the game, things that were barely present in her original story. ripping these elements out of their own game and tossing them into another only makes them more likely to feel out-of-place and confusing to players. And to be completely honest, almost anything that writers wanted to accomplish with the twilight realm could be done just as easily utilizing the sacred realm, an element which is already in consistent canon and is much easier to write into a given story than something as mysterious and confusing as the twilight realm. with midna, almost anything that she would accomplish could be accomplished by a game-specific guide character, which is already staple of loz anyway. using a game-specific guide character would also remove any potential confusion for new players who lack the context of midna's past appearances. the only reason you might NEED midna as a character is if you ALSO have the twilight realm and specifically require a twili guide character to explain it, but. for all the reasons stated above. you shouldn't have the twilight realm. lol

honeysuckle’s & huckleberry’s

Cowboy!Joel (41) X F!Reader (25) | 42.1k words | wip | explicit | 18+ minors dni | enemies to lovers | slow burn | au: no cordyceps outbreak | oral (f receiving) | (semi) public sex | vaginal fingering

masterlist | ao3 | spotify playlist

“In just—“ His eyes slip closed when his mouth connect with the inside of your wrist. His lips are warm and so tender you fight down a soft whimper at the intoxicating sensation. When they open again, dangerous amber irises peer back at you like you’re their salvation. “-my cowboy hat.”

Oh—fuck.

a/n: this chapter was so fun to write, I accidentally made it 9.5k words lol, but it was such a relief (ish) to write. Some new warning apply to this chapter, so please be advised of those. We get to see a whole new side to Joel this chapter and we’ll get to see some “in the making of” this chapter in the following one. A little bit of context on why Joel changes so abruptly and the reasoning behind his decisions. I hope you all know how much i love love love you guys for being here for me while i struggle to find time to write. I’m working on getting back on my feet every day and this is the one safe place I have to escape and indulge in my favorite coping mechanism. Much love, H 🤍

Chapter 7–You Don’t Want That Smoke

Your birthday falls on Friday this year, (lucky you) but it also means the First Friday dance falls on your birthday this year as well. It’s the first community event after the cold winter months and by that time, most people are itching to get out of their snow-buried homes. The town usually puts on the event to celebrate the coming spring, hosting venders of all sorts and games for the families. Growing up, your parents would take you to the petting zoo and let you ride the ponies, like you didn’t have a horse at home, like there wasn’t a whole ranch to attend to, animals to raise up and sell, like you could just for a moment, be a normal little girl from a quiet street who’d never sat in a saddle in her life.

If only that had been the case, ever. If only you’d had parents who pursued safe, reliable careers, where they had pensions and retirement, insurance and benefits, instead of breaking their backs for a ranch that had been dying long before it was left to your mother by her parents. Was it obligation that kept them here, or was it something else? Was it the same thing that got you through years of college, all in an attempt to keep your parents' dream alive for a little while longer?

It’s Wednesday, which means you have two more days before your birthday and Melly’s plane lands in a few hours from Colorado, but so far your morning has taken you five rounds in the octagon and is currently coming back for more.

“—No! The statements I just got in the mail yesterday said we have ninety days to come up with three months worth of the mortgage before the property faces foreclosure.”

The woman on the other end of the phone sighs at you and you can hear the way her hands hit her keyboard. “I know that, ma’am, but that was a month and a half ago and we still have not received any payments. The bank sent another letter, requesting that the entire six month worth of back payments be received by the end of the ninety days or the property will be foreclosed on.”

The routinely scripted response feels like an open handed slap to the face, white hot pain snapping through your veins like lightning on the Wyoming plains. You sink down into the dining room chair and let it soak in all the way.

“How many days do we have left?” You hear yourself whisper into the phone but it’s not you speaking, not really—its a absent reflex like blinking or breathing.

“That's…51 days, ma’am. We’ll contact you again in thirty days if we have not received the entire amount by that time.”

Your eyes burn and blur, tears for the years of your life wasted on a useless education, until they surge past the dam and plummet to the paper below. When you look down at the document, your tears are stained red by the ink on the foreclosure notice. “How much will it be, again?” Defeated, Inadequate and Doomed.

“Fourteen thousand, three hundred and forty dollars, for six months worth of the Mortgage and late fees accumulated.” She sounds annoyed when she reads off the obscene number, like she isn’t sealing the fate of your family home, the dream your parents have worked their whole lives for to pass down to you—all wasted on a backed mortgage that your parents took out on the farm when you were born.

The full circle indicates that losing your family’s livelihood was your fault, from start to finish. You didn’t make it in time. All your hard work, and you’re still going to lose it.

“Is that everything, ma’am?”

Click

You drop the phone and sob into your arms, your whole body shaking and heaving with every sharp inhale. In your best attempt to keep quiet, you attract the attention of the one person you long to keep this from, your sweet, well meaning mom.

She’s soft spoken when she soothes you, rubs your back while you dry up your tears against her chest and she doesn’t ask why, just kisses your forehead and smiles one of those sweet sweet smiles at you and says, “We’ll get through this, Honey, don’t you worry about that. We’ll figure this out together.”

And you believe her, enough to reel in your hiccups, enough to ease your searing tears. “Why don’t you take a break from work, Melly gets here soon, yeah? You got everything you girls need?”

You smile at her, thankful for her ability to distract you from the things that keep you up at night. She knows you better than anyone, she’s your best friend. “Maybe we can stop at the store after we get her, but we gotta leave soon—“ you check the time, one hour until her plane touches down in Jackson and it takes forty five minutes to get there alone.

“Actually Honey, about that…I can't go with you. I’m not feeling up to it and I thought I would whip up dinner for you girls. But I got someone to go with you,”

You stand up from the chair and put the papers back into the envelope. “Mom, I really can go alone, I drove all the way here—“ she stops you with a quiet scuff. “You got stuck in the snow and Joel had to pull you out.” Joel, that son of a bitch…that big, sexy cowboy son of a bitch who left you in the snow. Who huffs and puffs and walks around like the sweatiest, filthiest, most delicious version of every nasty fantasy you’ve ever had. Of course she would drag him into this, maybe she’s the one who’s after the help.

“Speak of the devil,” she has this knowing look when her gaze travels past you to the doorway of the dining room. You glance over your shoulder to find yourself smack dab in the middle of one of those filthy dreams, dressed in green plaid and his brown Carhartt jacket, his black cowboy hat resting atop his head with curls peeking out of the sides, kissing the tips of his ears. His beard has grown out a tad too, making him look soft all over, scruffy and curly with a dimpled smile. The sight of him comes with a sudden rush of soothing comfort, warm eyes that make you feel safe, hidden in the shadows of his hat.

“Heard I was takin’ you somewhere?” He’s broad and sturdy, with a slight sheen of sweat on the peaks of his collarbones under his shirt. Under his beard, his neck is taught and his muscles are strained, his pulse visible beneath his skin despite his cool composure. If you know Joel, he did a days worth of work this morning to clear his schedule for the rest of the afternoon. He probably smells like sweat and dirt, like horses and leather under all that damn southern charm he possesses.

Actually, you can take me anywhere. On the couch, in my room, hell—in the glow of a fridge light.

You sink your teeth into your bottom lip to bite off your involuntary groan, shooting your mom a sharp look. She may play coy, might act like she's this innocent and sweet, cookie baking, laundry folding, house making mom who knows no better, but you see what she’s really up to. How she hides behind her little false oblivion, a facade she usually only uses for good. This doesn’t feel like it was for the greater good.

“You—“ you sneer at her quietly and she smiles with a “Not sure what you mean dear, but you better get a move on. I have to get dinner in the oven!” She scurries out of the room and into the next, letting the door swing closed behind her. Joel remains in the same spot, one shoulder pressed against the white wood frame of the old door, his muddy boots on the dark hardwood floors. Your eyes drag up the rest of him, his pants are tight in the middle, hugging his hips and probably just barely restraining what lays below the dark blue denim. There's a soft curve to his belly, made apparent when his arms cross over his chest and pull his shirt tight against his front.

His belly looks so damn soft. So fucking round and bite-able. A few more clicks up, his chest nearly bulging out of the buttons of the flannel. The buttons hang on for dear life, but you’re afraid if he flexes, they will scatter to the floor with your resolve.

He clears his throat and you finally meet his eyes. “Doin’ alright there, darlin’?” If his presence wasn’t enough, the bourbony southern drawl and the way he cocks his hip makes your thighs squeeze together involuntarily. “Yeah—Yep, just need to get dressed and I’ll be ready.” You’re still in a big sleep shirt, have been all morning because work for you doesn’t require pants half of the time. When you start to breeze past, his eyes drop to the exposed skin of your thighs.

“Been wonderin’…” he stops you with a big hand, pressed against your sternum when you try to pass by his solid form. He’s still faced the opposite direction than your body, only his head turns to look down at you, gone still beneath his stern fingertips. “If you always walk around naked under these shirts, or if you’re wearin’ somethin’ under there when mom and dad are ‘round?”

His eyes flick back to the door leading into the kitchen, where your mother is currently hiding from your scowl, then back down to the hem of your oversized shirt. The hand on your ribs shifts when you haul in a deep, stuttering breath. It slips a few inches lower, the tips of his thick fingers dipping into the flesh of your stomach, just below your belly button. He’s so close and so fucking firm where he holds you in place.

“Why don’t you have a look for yourself, Cowboy?”

You challenge him back and you swear he stops breathing beside you. He meets your dare with a low growl, reverberating inside his rib cage like a shout in a vast canyon. What the hell is happening right now, did he hit his head or something? Is he finally getting the fucking hint? How desperately you want him to have his way with you? Then again, the last time he saw you dressed like this, you were bent over, knowingly showing off everything you had to offer, the place you wanted him most, while you listened to the guttural sounds leaving the unsuspecting man behind you. You aren’t going to complain about the sudden shift in his attention, hell no—you’ll soak in what you can get from the leery cowboy.

You hardly register the way he moves until he leans forward and warm fingertips graze the skin just under your ass. He’s looking when he lifts the shirt all the way up to your tailbone slowly, covered by smooth black satin, a thong that hugs your hips but leaves your cheeks exposed to his greedy sight. His eyes are everywhere, your thighs and the curve of your bare behind. His fingers dip just under the black satin band on your hip, his expression is just shy of a devoted man as he drinks in the contrasting sensation of your smooth skin and the silky material.

“Fuck,” he murmurs under his breath, letting his hand slip from your panties to travel back down, unsure fingers tracing along the crease of your ass, curling under your cheek when he gets to the bottom. It’s the softest touch you’ve ever felt, full of admiration and barely restrained desire. It sets your skin on fire, radiating behind your eyelids. “Those are…damn pretty, sugar…but you better go get yourself ready, before you’re late.” His hands slip away from you completely and he turns in the direction of the door, already on his way out before you even fully process what just happened. What flipped inside of Joel on a random Wednesday afternoon in late February?

He leaves with a satisfied smirk with intentions of starting the truck while you stammer against the doorway and remind yourself to breathe. When the front door closes behind him, you lean against the wood he was just propped against, hoping his heat will still linger there. He instigated something, a secret whisper of want, the thought makes a grin break out from one side of your face to the other, pulling your cheeks tight. He wants you.

You get dressed with that same stupid grin plastered on your face. You shift through your closet a few times, but you keep falling back on the same outfit. A pair of flared jeans, light in color with stitch work on the sides. With a pair of boots, they make your ass look like a dream—just what you are going for, just so you can rile Joel further. You find a tight top and a thick wool flannel to throw over it, before tracking back down the stairs to the front door.

It’s the rush of adrenaline that shocks the agony from your brain, but the moment you bound down the front steps to his waiting truck, the door already propped open, you pause.

You stop at the foot of the stairs and turn, looking up the steps you’ve known your entire life, the screen door you’ve spent numerous summers swinging in and out of. The porch you’ve watched storms roll in from, the porch swing where you had your first kiss. All this and…your heart sinks. When you turn back towards the running chevy, Joel is staring back at you, his once knowing smirk traded in for a furrow of concern on his handsome features.

You climb into the passenger seat and fasten your seatbelt while Joel puts the truck in gear and pulls away from the house.

There’s a long stretch of road that passes in near silence, before it’s you who just can’t take it anymore. Joel, sweet fucking Joel sat beside you, respecting your emotions and your boundaries once again. “Ranch is ‘bout to be foreclosed.” You tell him. Once it’s spoken aloud, you realize just how imminent your family’s demise really is. How quickly you are going to lose everything, watch your parents walk away with no retirement and nothing to show for themselves, for generations of hard work.

You expect something, questions about how you know, how long you have, if there's anything he can do to help you, but the questions never come. Instead, Joel reaches over and presses his fingers into the latch on your buckle, pulling it off of you with one click.

“C’mere, sweet girl.” His tone is low, soft enough to not interrupt your thoughts, but enough to have you drawing across the bench seat and slipping under his sturdy arm while he drives. He keeps you tucked in close beside him, his hand trailing up and down your arm to ease out the pain residing in your veins. He takes one glance down at you and leans forward, his lips connecting with the crown of your head. “We’ll get through it. We ain’t goin’ down without a hell of a fight.”

We

We

Because after the years you’ve spent away from this place, Joel has come to think of the Rising Sun ranch as his home just as much as it is yours. He’d raised every one of the cattle on that ranch, he’s worked day and night to ensure its survival, he’s lost sleep and nearly limbs fighting to keep them afloat while you were gone. This is his home, his fight right alongside yours. Finally, the weight seems to ease up, shouldered by Joel's sense of responsibility for your family’s livelihood.

Beside you, he’s solid and warm, he’s alive and overflowing with strength, enough to spare, for something to cling to. You turn your head and bury your face in his shoulder, covering yourself in the shield of protection he has to offer, sturdy, devoted support that makes you feel lightheaded with security. He doesn’t push you further, doesn’t prod you for details. He just hangs on, keeps your body tucked in close to his while he drives into town. At some point, the rattling of the old truck along patchy highway roads lulls you into sleep with your head against his shoulder and one leg across his lap.

Joel, with all the strength he can muster—holds on tight.

“Hey,” your senses come rushing back when the truck comes to a stop and your warm pillow jostles under your head. You lift up off his weight a little and glance at him through a sleepy gaze, a soft smile present on his lips. “As much as I like you droolin’ all over me…” he gestures to wet stain on his flannel. “Think your friends plane lands soon, don’t want you to miss it.”

You get yourself together enough to look out the window. Joel parked right outside of baggage claim at Jacksons little airport and his arm still sits tightly around your shoulders. A deep sigh sets in to your bones and you lean against him for just a moment longer to soak in the warmth. “Hey, look at me, darlin’,” his hand wraps around your chin gently, coaxing your eyes up to his. “Don’t think about the ranch, at least till the week is over. Ain’t nothin’ you can do right now, so don’t let it ruin your birthday. Everythin’s gonna be alright.” His words trail off when a broad thumb swipes across the underside of your bottom lip, his gaze caught in yours so tightly you’re half sure the jaws of life couldn’t draw you apart. He breaks out into a grin and heaves a shallow laugh. “Had a little drool there.”

The little laugh that bubbles up in you breaks the eye contact and Joel shuts off the truck, untucking you from his arm. You check the time for safe measures, there's still a few more minutes before the plane lands and she still has to make it out the gates.

“Joel?” He’s fiddling with his key chain, adjusting a few backwards keys. “Hmm?” He barely makes eye contact—is he embarrassed? From holding you while you slept? “Thank you. For everything you’ve done for me—for my family while I’ve been gone. I can't think of a way to…repay you for everything.”

Joel glances over at you and something flashes in his brown eyes, something that looks like discomfort and shame. He takes a sharp breath in and squeezes his knuckles around the keys. “I didn’t do it all selflessly…please don’t take this wrong. I haven’t felt a sense of belonging in years. Me and Tommy have been drifting since I was twenty eight, working on one ranch after another. We’d stick around a town for six months and he’d get antsy, stir up trouble and we’d have to hit the road again.”

He brings his hand up to his mouth and chews on the corner of his thumb. He’s anxious, you can tell by the way his eyes flitter to you then away quickly. “I’ve covered his ass more times than I can count because I don’t know if I’ll be the same if I have to leave here. It feels fuckin—selfish, like I’m usin’ your folks. M’gettin’ old, my bones are tired and all I want is to…stop. Slow down for once in my life. I’ve never been more at peace than I am here, with your parents and the ranch. I was doin’ so good, gettin’ my mind right, hatin’ myself a little less and then—“ he trails off with a distant look in his eyes.

And then…what? What’s caused Joel to lose that sense of peace and stability? “What happened?” You sink back in the bench seat, run your fingers along the stitched pattern of color adorning the warn padding. “S’big snow storm came in…I was comin’ back from town because I took Tommy to pick up flowers. He’d been a real asshole to a sweet lady who didn’t deserve it. Was pissed off he was smokin’ in the truck, pissed he was jeopardizin’ our home again, when we see this little car stuck in the embankment, met this—real pretty girl, and she…” he sneaks a glance over at you, but he’s doing his best to find anywhere, anything else to look at. Cars passing by, the sun reflecting off the bright white paint on the cross walk. The older woman in-front of you, helping what looks like her daughter, load her luggage into the trunk.

“She got under my skin and I was flustered for the first time in a really long time. Kinda freaked me out—and then I left here there—‘cuz I was scared shitless and nothin’s ever been the same since. Sorta think she hates my guts half the time for it.”

There's this unsettling silence in the cab, Joel's nerves and his admission hanging in the air between you. He’s never ever been this vulnerable and honest with you before. You’ve talked to him more times than you can count now, a meaningless little conversation where you found everything you needed to change your mind about him. But he’s never opened himself up like he was right now, in the damn pick up line of the Jackson airport.

“Joel I…I already forgave you for that.” You forgave him for that when he gave you your necklace for Christmas. You forgave him when he carried a newborn calf half a mile through a snowstorm for you. You forgave him when you came down the stairs to him in that damn cowboy hat.

You forgave him when he came back for you and looked at you with those pretty brown eyes.

“What?” He looks over at you and you hold onto the eye contact for as long as you possibly can. “I don’t hate you. Furthest thing from it actually—I do hate how much you avoid me. Like I’m going to bite your head off any second—“ he snorts, cracks a white smile at you and his eyes crinkle at the sides, making your stomach flutter, little blue butterflies soaring through your abdomen. “You do bite my head off—often.”

Okay—maybe he’s a little right, maybe you let it get too far a few times, spent too many afternoons angry at his distaste for you, when all you wanted was a taste of him. “Well, I’m sorry…for all the things I’ve said to you, the things I’ve called you. But I’m not upset about that anymore. I forgave you for that a long time ago. You’ve already made up for it a million times, Joel.”

He’s grinning at you like you just told him he won the fucking lottery, his nervous hands drumming a absent tune against the steering wheel. He’s looking at you like it’s the first time you’ve ever met him, his eyes shining with mirth and admiration. “Think…you could give this ol’ cowboy another shot?” That nervous little shake of his jaw, the tick in his voice and the hopefulness in his eyes is enough to break anyone, but you? You’re so lost on him you never want to find your way back. Throw away the maps, toss the keys somewhere you’ll never find them again—you never want to go anywhere else in the world. Another shot? You’d give him all of them.

“Pretend you’ve never met me before.”

He blinks, cocks an eyebrow and makes a face of confusion at you. “I’ve never met you?” You nod, turn your whole body to face him on the bench seat of his old beat up chevy. “Like it’s the first time we’ve met. I’m Hank's daughter and you’re picking me up from the airport to take me home for the first time in years. We’ve never met. Try again, shoot your shot, cowboy.”

You’d like to imagine that's how it went—your mom and dad were too busy to come get you and you decided to fly because you knew your little car wouldn’t make it. They send Joel, because he’s trustworthy and punctual. They know he’ll treat their daughter with respect, they trust that he’ll use his better judgment, because they know he’s a good man. You know that under that rough, hard exterior is an anxious man searching for belonging, a good man.

Joel takes a deep breath, lets his mind drift out the window before he turns it back to you with a charming smile, one you’ve never been on the receiving end of. It’s smoldering, flirtatious—everything you imagined Joel to be after all those years of pinning after a man you’ve never laid eyes on. A Joel you’ve never met and desperately need to get to know better. “Prodigy daughter finally returns,” his drawl is thick and his eyes rake over you once, twice, before settling on your own. “I’m Joel.”

You giggle—rightfully so, because this Joel? This Joel is all quick wit and chivalry. You fake introduce yourself back, your grin mirroring his own. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Joel.”

“Pleasure is…all mine, darlin’.”

You could stare at him forever with that damn goofy smile on his face. “Anyone ever tell you—you look good in this?” You tell him, reaching up to flick the brim of his hat, but it stays firmly in place despite your efforts. He snorts and snaps up to catch your wrist, holding onto it tightly in his big hand. “S’funny, I was just thinkin’ about how good you’d look in my hat.” His thumb circles the inside of your wrist slowly,’ pushing down the fabric of your sleeve with the effort. Slowly, he draws your appendage closer, till his mouth hovers just above your skin. His eyes are like witnessing something tragic, so devastating you can't bring yourself to look away.

“In just—“ His eyes slip closed when his lips connect with the inside of your wrist. His lips are warm and so tender you fight down a soft whimper at the intoxicating sensation. When they open again, dangerous amber irises peer back at you like you’re their salvation. “-my cowboy hat.”

Oh—fuck. There’s an image you’ll never get out of your mind—your hands on his sweaty chest, the brim of his hat falling in front of your eyes while you try to keep it in place, despite the way you ride him—

“Joel—Jesus, you can’t just—“

He breaks out into a chest filled laugh, his eyes slip close and his head falls back. His whole body responds to the way he laughs, his legs kick up, his chest heaves and his belly bounces. He’s a menace, a damn trouble starter—he makes you see hearts around his head and a sparkle in his eyes you’re sure you’re imagining. He calms his laugh down with a few deep breaths, a grin still plastered on his handsome face. “What can I say? I’m really bad at first impressions.”

He is, but it doesn’t bother you like it used to. Joel isn’t and never will be the perfect man you’d envisioned. He’ll never be the Joel you’d made up in your head for so long, because that Joel was made solely for you, from your interpretation of a man who’s perfect for you in every way. But that Joel and the one in front of you are two vastly different people—this Joel is gruff at times, opinionated and flawed. He wasn’t made perfect for you, but you find that the things that make him the least like the Joel in your mind—are the things that you like most about him. He’s gruff, but he’s punctual and takes no shit. He’s opinionated, but he’s wise about life, he’s earned the right to voice his beliefs. He’s flawed—he has crows feet by his kind eyes, graying curls and weathered hands—but it’s his flaws that entice you to learn more about him. They make him real in front of you instead of a made up, faceless man in your dreams.

Your phone chimes in your pocket and it sucks you from the void in the cab of this old truck, away from Joel's charming smile and his burning hand on your wrist. He pulls away and the moment dissipates into dust on the dashboard.

Melly: I just got my bag, headed out now!

“Be right back,” you slip out the door with a firm shut and try your hardest not to glance back at the man in the cab of that blue and white truck.

Finding Melly is easy, she sticks out like a sore thumb with her blonde hair and too-blessed chest. What did she do in a past life for tits like that, anyways?

She comes out the double doors and jogs to you with a grin your wearing on your own face. “Oh my gosh!” She squeals, finally getting close enough to throw your arms around each other. It’s been months since you’ve seen each other after spending everyday together for the last two years. You tumble around together in your hug for a few minutes before she pulls back to look you over, in a pair of flared jeans and boots. “Oh man, the country got you.” She jokes, faking a deflated sigh. “Would you fuck off?” She laughs menacingly, slinging her bag over her shoulder for more security. “Let me guess, you’re still trying to drive that cowboy crazy, right?”

With a deep eye roll, you finally look back at the truck. He’s looking right back at you, an easy smile on his lips when your eyes connect. You look back to your best friend and make a face. “He uhm…he actually drove me…to come get you. He’s in the truck, please be nice to him, okay?” She sneers and you know she means trouble when you help her with her things on her way to the truck.

“Please don’t fucking embarrass me, I swear dude—“ Mel gives you a little shove and huffs a laugh when you put her suitcase in the bed of the pickup. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to ruin your shot with the old dude.” She looks around you, eyeing him from outside of the truck without his knowledge. “Holy shit, dude he’s hot. He’s like, stupid hot.”

You look over at him too and like he can feel your eyes on him, he looks over his shoulder, smiles warmly and you know it—

Know you’re fucked.

“Not a word.” Mel throws her hands up innocently and follows your lead when you open the door of the truck and climb in the middle, sliding in right beside Joel, reclaiming the space you’d taken up on your way here.

The whole drive back to the ranch, your body is on fire along the parts that connect to Joel, pressed so close you’re afraid you might melt into him.

Two days pass in a blur.

You spend a lot of time with Mel, catching up on how she's been doing since graduating, how she likes work—she’s a wildlife biologist in Colorado, who’s still learning the ropes of the job but she’s never been more excited to be a part of something. You don’t tell her about the ranch for a good reason, but she still asks and doesn’t say anything if she notices the look on your face when you lie to her.

We’ll get through it

You love spending time with her, but you don’t see a lot of Joel besides meals. He’s pleasant and soft, smiling at you like he’s never worn a frown on that handsome face. He sits too close at dinner, draws your gaze in far too many times for it to be an accident. It’s not anymore but it’s still so damn hard to make yourself believe that this isn’t just a fleeting moment—temptation breathing life into you for the first time in years, teasing you with possibilities.

He makes you burn but he doesn’t push further, doesn’t chase that desire down its narrowing path. It’s so close—you’re so close to finally making him yours.

When your birthday rolls around, he’s nowhere to be seen at breakfast. When you head out to the stables, the horses have already been fed and there's no trace of the man who plagues your every waking moment. The truck is gone and the tire-tracks in the driveway look old, like he’s been gone for hours. It’s not that he’s required to see you on your birthday, but you thought things were going to change. You thought that re-meeting him in the truck at the airport would restart everything, he’d realize you want him around more than the ranch hand who got under your skin and made you desperate for his attention. It feels naive, to watch out the window for his truck for most of the morning, pining after that faded powder blue and rust.

“This is depressing to watch from the outside, you know that right?” Comes Mel’s voice from the other side of your room when you check the window for the first time in the last half hour. She's painting her nails on the chair in your room while you peer through the blinds like he might appear out of thin air without you hearing the rumble of his old chevy. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You do your best to defend yourself, stepping away and crossing your arms as you trudge to your bed.

“Don’t play dumb with me, I know you. You’re pacing your room wondering when you’ll see him. You know everyone can see the way you guys look at each other right? When are you guys going to like…kick it up a notch, get in his pants?”

You toss yourself on the fluffy sheets and close your eyes tight, letting your mind wander for a moment. “I don’t know…” what are you going to do, if you cant even see him long enough to get him alone? Tonight is the dance and you were hoping he’d be there, maybe he’d ask you for a dance. You’ve never told a boy in your hometown yes to a dance at this thing, but you’d change that for Joel. If he asked, you’d let him spin you around all night long.

Only problem is, he can’t do that if he’s still avoiding you like you're an illness he can’t afford to catch. “He’s so confusing. One second he acts like…he wants me, the next he’s hiding from me, probably—ugh, I just wish I could get him out of my head if he wants nothing to do with me!”

The room is silent, still for all of five glorious seconds before Mel breaks it. “Does he still run away to jerk off?” You snap your eyes over to her with a sharp glare. “Yes! And he drives me up the fucking wall, dude! All I want is to get my hands on that delicious man and he runs away every time. How am I ever supposed to accomplish anything if I can't even get him alone for five minutes. And every time I do, something happens and ruins it all.”

You can't seem to get a second with him no matter how hard you try. The last two days, he hasn’t been around aside from his work in the morning, a few meals he makes it to in between. If you’re being honest, it's painful to think about the way he’d smiled at you a few days ago and the way he doesn’t have the time of day now.

“If he shows up at that dance tonight, I’m making sure you get your second alone. Now come on, let me help you pick out your dress. He won't know what he’s missing out on.”

By the time you’re headed out the door for town, Joel is still nowhere in sight. You thought you’d heard his truck for a moment earlier, but when you’d peered out the window a few minutes later, there was no blue chevy in the driveway. No cowboy waiting out front for you.

You trudged to the car in your black dress, two slits up the sides where your thighs peak out and a back so low your half afraid your ass is going to fall out of the damn thing. You do your best to hold it up when you walk through the dirt, a pair of knee high red cowgirl boots are the only thing saving you from the mud right now.

Melly isn’t far behind, but she's not dressed in anything nearly as revealing as you. She’s making friends with Tommy who surprisingly hasn’t tried to flirt yet and claims to have no idea where his older brother has disappeared to. He’s endearing, but you know he’s playing for both sides here, hiding something for his brother.

On the drive into town, your parents take your dads truck, leaving you, Mel and Tommy in your car. When you get about half way, you finally break and ask if Tommy has seen Joel, if he knows if he’s coming. Tommy shrugs in the rearview mirror with a smile.

“I’m sure we’ll see ‘em.” Is the only answer you get.

It doesn’t happen for hours.

Hours of forcing a smile through mind numbing conversation with people you haven’t seen in years. The same old how have you been in the big city? and you tell them it was hard work and commitment. They ask no plans for the future? like you’re doomed without a ring on your hand at your age. You keep your head up through every comment, back handed compliment and pick up line that passes you by for a whole fucking hour on the dance floor alone.

“I think I want to go home soon. I’m having the worst fucking time, my feet are killing me and I think my eyelash is falling off.” Your whining and limping, faking distress and discomfort for any shot to get the fuck out of here, go home and maybe you can chance a run in with Joel.

Maybe he’s coming in from the north pasture where he’s probably been hiding all day. He’d be covered in muck and sweat, dirt clinging to the creases in his face. He’d be tired and worn out, vulnerable to the way you’d take advantage of his weakened restraint. “You sure you don’t want to stay a few minutes longer?” Melly muses beside you sipping on a tall glass of tequila on ice, watching the small town’s people converse and dance, laugh and gather together under the low string lighting.

You take a long drag of the drink in your own hand, your third of the night that's finally starting to warm your insides. It’s not enough to ease the ache of wishing Joel would appear. You know he won't, there's only a few hours left and people are starting to get tipsy. “I think you might want to rethink that…the devil himself just walked in, twelve o’clock.”

You look up at her, in a pretty green dress with curly hair framing her face. She’s smirking over your shoulder at something—or someone behind you. You turn the rest of the way around and swear you’re in the middle of one of those movie scenes.

The ones where the love interest walks in and sexy rock plays while they walk in slow motion. With wind blowing this hair back even though they are inside. Joel fucking Miller was doing exactly that at this very minute, striding through the hall in his cowboy hat and a black button down, dark wash jeans and his boots. He looks like a wet dream standing there, looking a little bit lost and so damn handsome. Under his hat, you can see that his hair is slicked back and he looks clean like he’d gone home and gotten ready.

He’s here.

“Oh he looks…if you don’t ask him to dance, I will. He’s hot.” You wish you could explain to her that Joel is more than that, that he’s funny and endearing, that he’s honorable and loyal to a fault. He’s so many more things than just hot. You swivel around as he makes his way through the crowd, he’s bound to find you and you don’t want him to spot you gawking at him. “Do I look okay? Fuck he looks so good—is my hair alright?” You try to do a quick pat down but Melly grabs your hand with a smile. “You look fine. He’s not going to know what hit him, I promise—but he’s coming this way so whatever you do, chill out.”

She sets her drink on the tall table, the ones that adorn the outside of the dance floor for people who want to mingle. You take a long drink of yours and move to set it down when someone clears their throat behind you. The drink hits the table and you turn slowly, till you rotate around to face him completely. He’s even more devastating up close with pearl snap buttons on his shirt, his arms nearly bulging out of the damn thing. His facial hair looks shorter, his eyes shimmering with reflected light.

“What’s a pretty thing like you doin’, standin’ here all by herself on her birthday?” He grins at you and takes another step forward. “Guess I’m just waiting for the right cowboy to ask me for a dance.” You tease back, reaching out for him once he’s close enough for you to touch. You start at his stomach, soft under his dress shirt. When your hands make contact, a visible shiver runs through Joel.

There’s suddenly two more hands to join the party, one high up on your waist while the other curves around low on your hip, his digits digging into the top of your ass. “I’ll be real’ honest with you here, doll—askin’ you for a dance is the only reason I came tonight.” He smells good for once, usually you catch a hint of his shower under the smell of dirt and manure, a faintness of his once clean skin. Now, it’s all you can focus on—how he’d taste like his soap, smooth and clean, every part of him reachable by your watering mouth. “Well, Cowboy…go on.” Your hands slip up his chest and over his broad shoulders, like you’ve imagined yourself doing a thousand times. He’s responsive, lowers his shoulders so you fit along him perfectly.

“Would ya make this old man's day, let me have a dance?” His hand drops lower, along the side of your thigh until he can dig them into the curve under your ass. If you didn’t know any better, you’d think he was trying to hoist you up, drag you into that vice-like grip you want to be at the mercy of every day of your life. “Can’t get me any closer, Joel.” You giggle, hiding your face against his neck. He smells like after shave and a little like whiskey. “I thought you were giving up drinking?” You nip at his jaw lightly, just to listen to the way he rumbles against you.

“I’m—tryin’ to keep my cool here, but you look fucking incredible tonight. Needed a little courage to walk up to you, s’all.” He leans back slightly, looking down at the way your dress squeezes your tits together, nearly pouring out of the black satin. “Fucking…gorgeous in this thing, you know that? You knew how sexy this little thing was, didn’t you?” He pulls at the slit that exposes your thighs, raking it up a little higher, until he can get a handful of bare skin. He’s not wrong—you’d put the dress on and thought about all the ways it would drive Joel crazy if he saw you in it.

“You better take me dancing before you take this off of me.” The dance around you has started to fade away. Melly took her cue to go and has started to make conversation elsewhere. “With pleasure, darlin’.”

Joel all but carries you to the middle of the dance floor before you notice his obvious nervous ticks, the shake of his hands and the way he’s fighting the urge to gnaw on his thumb. He’s anxious despite his obvious attempt at faking composure. When you wrap your arms around his shoulders again, he stammers. “Need to tell you somethin’.” His voice is a little shaky on the inhale when his hands find your waist again. “I went into town last week, there’s this dance studio on sixth street and I thought, maybe I could trade work for someone to…teach me how to use my damn feet.” For added flair, he reels away from you and spins you once before drawing you back into his chest as he moves. “So, I take it someone taught you?”

The song changes, something slow, romantic and sweet that couples join in around you, swaying together around the dance floor. “Lady said she’d been lookin’ for someone to replace the dance floor. Told her I just wanted to learn to dance, so I’d stand a chance against the other schmucks askin’ you.” He dances you around for a few more moments, pulling out all the stops—every new move he learned. Was that why he was gone so much, disappearing every time you turned around? He was replacing a damn floor and learning how to dance, all for you?

“Joel—“ you start, trying to grab ahold of him for long enough to make him still. “There's somethin’ else,” he dips you back and your insides flutter, looking up at him with those big brown hopeful eyes. He stands you up right again and the dancing slows to a stop, right there in the middle of the dance hall. You’re sure the towns eyes are on you, your mom and dad, friends from high school, older people you’ve been around your entire life. “She wouldn’t let me leave without payin’ me for it, said dancin’ lessons don’t cost that much after all.” He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a envelope, sealed tight with a number written on the front.

“Ranch needs it a whole hell of a lot more than I do. S’just two grand, but I’ve found a few other odd jobs, so there will be more comin’, but it’s a start—“ your hand clasps over his clutching the envelope. You push his hand down, stepping forward until you're nearly standing on his own feet. “Joel Miller…are you going to stand there all night running your mouth, or are you going to kiss me?” This endearing man, this big, expressive cowboy who can’t seem to get anything right in his own eyes, but everything right in yours.

He chuckles, the hand not holding the envelope finds the side of your face, sliding his thumb along the apple of your cheek. He’s not the one to make the first move after all—after all the leading him towards it, the teasing and the showmanship. It’s you that stands up high on your tiptoes and drags him the rest of the way in, until his mouth finds yours in the lull of the dance hall, surrounded by swaying bodies and sweet music.

He sucks in a breath through his nose and his mouth opens, slots your lips between his when he finally, fucking finally gives all the way in. It’s sweet, chaste while you stand there, smack dab in the middle of the floor. Joel stuffs the envelope back into his pocket and his other hand finds your body again, yanking until you're flushed against him, digging your hands into his shoulders when his tongue licks along the seam of your mouth, begging to be let into the slick heat. What was slow and steady, soon becomes frantic, hot and needy. Your fingers tug at the buttons of his shirt and someone shoots off a whistle from across the room, enough to have you reeling apart. Joel's mouth is red, his lips swollen and shiny from your spit.

“You want to get out of here?”

Yes. Fucking hell yes you wanted to, you’ve wanted to all damn night, but with Joel standing in front of you, a strained tent in his dark jeans, it’s all you can think about. Instead of a response, you grab him by his hand and all but drag him out the back doors towards the parking lot. It's quiet, dark—the dance isn’t even close to being over so there’s next to no one in the parking lot.

You never stood a chance, looking back on this moment right here. You never would have stood a chance, with Joel’s ragged breathing behind you when he closes the door tight behind him.

One look at his wild eyes and parted lips, you should have known how this night was going to end.

Joel was desperate. He needed you, needed to touch you every second of his day. He thought about you every second he spent awake and he dreamt of you all night long. When he’d heard about the dance, he wanted to kick himself for not learning sooner. Finding the dance studio was a fluke, learning to dance was a damn nightmare and the floor wasn’t much better, but he’d do it all again for another opportunity to press you up against the brick wall with your thighs pressed apart and his hips slotted between them while he all but devoured your mouth.

He’s ruthless, relentless as he drags your bottom lip between his teeth. You—you can't keep your sounds to yourself, hiking your legs up higher around his waist when he presses in closer. He can feel himself straining through his jeans, can feel the heat of your core against his painfully hard cock. He’d take you right fucking here if you let him. “Joel—Joel,” your hips roll down to meet his uncontrollable press forward. “I know—fuck, baby, I know.” His movements are hurried and frantic, like this might be the only shot he has to get his hands on you. His mouth finds your jaw and he bites down on your flesh, relishing in the salty taste of sweat from dancing, the tang of your perfume and the sweet taste of your skin. It’s your sharp whine that gets him in motion again, his stilled teeth still hanging on to your delicate jaw. “Touch me, please—please, touch me.”

In a scurry, he drops his hand between your bodies, pushing the fabric of your dress to the side so his fingertips can work under the elastic of your panties, past the soaked material to the place he’s always longed to touch, always wondered what it would feel like.

And you are fucking drenched under his exploring digits. He slips them through your lips, your slick already dripping down his knuckles when he finds your clit and presses the pad of his thumb to it, swirling it around in a swift motion. Your head falls back and your mouth hangs open, a silent scream on your parted lips.

“There it is, huh? S’what finally gets you quiet? Just needed me to touch your pussy, didn’t you?” He groans when your thighs tremble against him, trying to tighten up around his waist where he has you pinned to the cold wall. His thumb keeps its rhythm while his fingers dip lower, making him breathless at how easily your body draws those fingers in. You come apart like you were meant to do just that, your body rapidly chasing him towards the brink. If he hadn’t gotten himself off twice today, he’s sure he’d already have cum in his pants from just this. “Yes-Yes, Joel—make me cum, please!” Your voice is wrecked.

Your eyes rolled back in your head, your chest heaving in that pretty little dress—your tits are about to bust out of the damn thing. He picks up the pace, slams his fingers into your heat and curls them while his thumb makes quick work of your clit. It’s been so long since he touched a woman, but he’ll never forget the signs.

You are dangerously, furiously close in mere minutes alone. “That’s it, pretty girl—cum on these fingers, let me feel her squeeze me.” You cry out sharply and he nearly covers your mouth with his other hand, but he doesn’t move. Instead, he revels in the pulse of your pussy on his fingers, the way you grind down against him while your body grasps for release. It comes to you with a whole body shake, a ragged gasp of his name and his tongue on your jugular.

When he pulls his hand free, it’s with a wet sound that makes his gut tighten and his knees weak. He has to get you somewhere more secluded, away from the prying eyes of the town folks. “Wunna taste you,” he growls lowly, dragging you away from the building despite the way you stumble, the lightheadedness from cuming on his fingers.

His truck is parked in the back for lack of a better spot, due to his tardiness. He’ll thank his lucky stars for it later, if he can remind himself of it. Now, he slings the door open and nearly throws you down on the bench seat. “C’mere, girl.” He’s running out of will power and common sense, the only thing driving his mind right now is sheer want, carnal desire to get his mouth all over what he’s already ruined. He’s lucky for the part of his brain that slips off his hat and sets it on the dashboard. “Lemme see that fuckin’ pussy.”

His hands find the backs of your knees and he yanks you to the edge of the seat. At this angle, he can spread you out and kneel beside the truck, let you use the door jam to rest your foot on. When your eyes find him, he thinks you’re just as far gone as he is, blinded to the world unfolding around you, to rubber hitting asphalt nearby.

“I’m going to fucking ruin you, babygirl. Only word you’ll know is my name when I’m finished with you.” He pushes your dress up with your hurried help, both of you desperately trying to rid you of your clothes as quickly as possible. The second he has your panties dangling between his finger tips, he pushes his head between your spread legs and buries himself under your dress.

The thing about Joel is, he’s always been too good at this. Half the time, it's the only reason women stick around. It must have been the only reason he got his ex wife to marry him.

He’s abandoned his shame and better judgment. He’s starved, famished for a taste of you. This man, this unhinged version of Joel eats pussy like he’s going to die without it. From the very second his mouth finds your center, he’s lost to your immodest cries, your mindless begging for him to keep going, never stop, never stop, Joel—please. He opens his mouth wide, slops his tongue through your folds like he’s trying to lick every drop from your sensitive skin. He pulls away for a breath and his eyes bounce up to meet yours, transfixed on his relentless attack. “Wunna split this little pussy open on me,” he says, muffled against your soft mound. He takes another long lap and moans at the heady taste of you on his greedy tongue.

“I’ve been practicing—I got, oh, fuck Joel, like that,” your head tips back and he pulls his mouth away completely. “You got what, baby, use your words.”

Your body clenches on nothing and his eyes track the movement with a low rumble. “Got a toy that’s as big as you so I could practice. So I'd be able to take you.”

You’d thought about this, about him. You’d thought about him while fucking yourself on a toy you’d bought to train yourself.

He doesn’t have the words to express the way it makes his chest tighten, so he presses his face between your thighs again and gets back to work, drawing out every secret you can no longer hold onto, how good he makes you feel, how hot and devastating his tongue is—how the sound of a car pulling up doesn’t even register until—

“Jackson Police department, step away from the vehicle!”

You should have known.

It’s Tuesday afternoon and like clockwork, Ellie Williams and Abigail Anderson are in the arcade. Every Tuesday and Thursday they arrive within minutes of Dina starting her shift. They don’t come on Mondays as Abby has swim practice, Wednesdays are out cause they both have soccer, and on Fridays Ellie has baseball. Week in and week out, they are here. Bickering and jeering at each other as they bounce between machines, hogging Street Fighter and stuffing ribbons of tickets into their bags. -- prompt: redemption, day 6 of elliedina week small town 90s AU one-shot, Dina works in an arcade and her best customers are Ellie and her meathead cousin

(day 1: ache) | (day 2: dawn) | (day 3: trouble) | (day 4: family) | (day 5: abandonment)

or you can read ‘crushes’ here if you prefer:

crushes 

It’s Tuesday afternoon and like clockwork, Ellie Williams and Abigail Anderson are in the arcade.

Every Tuesday and Thursday they arrive within minutes of Dina starting her shift. They don’t come on Mondays as Abby has swim practice, Wednesdays are out cause they both have soccer, and on Fridays Ellie has baseball.

Week in and week out, they are here. Bickering and jeering at each other as they bounce between machines, hogging Street Fighter and stuffing ribbons of tickets into their bags.

Dina reckons they’d come before school if they didn’t have track multiple times a week.

She doesn’t know how they do it, feeling mildly out of breath just rushing from school to her shift. But they’re gorgeous and sun kissed and athletic and it shows. Strong arms, built shoulders, trim waists, handsome and freckled and gay.

So gay.

She’s unsure if she’s ever seen Abby wearing sleeves outside of her soccer uniform, and every other shirt she owns looks as though she’s ripped the sleeves off haphazardly.

Ellie’s hair is shaggy, still lingering in the awkward stages of a mullet as it grows from a shorter cut, sticking out at old angles under a baseball cap and often half stuck in the collar of one of Ellie’s flannel shirts.

Dina loses too much time each week thinking about it. Ellie’s hair looks soft, her smile is lopsided, her voice scratchy and she just does it for Dina.

There’s something about Ellie that just works.

It’s always worked.

Dina had moved to Jackson when she was fifteen; she sat behind Ellie in math for two years and she barely learnt a thing. Awestruck and stupid at the slope of her neck and the flex of her arms.

She was better now, her tongue no longer heavy in her mouth and the urge to flee was long abandoned.

Dina had worked in the arcade for almost two years, since she was sixteen, and she’d spent many shifts sitting at the prize counter studying for exams, trying and struggling to learn what she’d missed in math that day.

“Hey Dina,” Ellie says warmly, breaking her out of her thoughts.

“Hi Ellie,” Dina greets, wiping her face and hoping she wasn’t drooling as she forces a smile.

Their friendship was new and tentative. Dina still mildly nervous at times after crushing on Ellie from a distance all through middle school. She likes to believe at times that her crush was gone but over the last few months of short conversations, she knew she was slipping.

“Did you have a good day today?” Ellie asks easily.

“Yeah, it was alright,” Dina shrugs, fidgeting with her pen and looking down at her homework. “We got that history essay today though, so I think another wave of assignments is incoming.”

Ellie grimaces. “Yeah, I’m not looking forward to it,” she says, rubbing the back of her neck and Dina feels two years of her life peel away as she watches Ellie’s bicep bulge in the movement. “I’m not the best with writing.”

“I- I thought you wrote all the time?” Dina asks, swallowing thickly. “You’ve always got that notebook of yours out at lunch.”

Ellie’s cheeks turn a little pink and she glances away. “Don’t tell anyone,” Ellie says, leaning in to whisper conspiratorially. “But it’s all just song lyrics and bad poetry.”

Dina grins, butterflies almost violent in her stomach, her gaze lingering on the slight touch of hazel in Ellie’s green eyes.

“Essays on the other hand,” Ellie smiles crookedly. “Not my thing.”

Dina nods jerkily. “Yeah, yeah I get that.” She blinks, registering her words. “I mean- I’ll pick an essay over math any day but-” She shrugs. “Everyone is different.”

“I’d prefer math,” Ellie says, resting her hands on the counter. “It’s my favourite subject.”

“It’s my worst,” Dina admits.

“If you ever want to study together,” Ellie offers bashfully, waving a hand in the air. “Let me know?”

“I- yeah, yeah I will,” Dina says awkwardly, thinking about how entirely unhelpful that would be and how desperately she’d want that.

“Ellie!” Abby’s booming voice calls across the room. “You gettin’ change or what, dude?”

Ellie sighs. “I’m sorry about her,” she says, rolling her eyes. “She was dropped on her head as a baby.”

Dina laughs, holding out a hand to take some bills from Ellie. “It’s all good,” she smiles, opening the till. “She doesn’t really have an inside voice, does she?”

“Nup,” Ellie grins.

Dina exchanging the money without question, forty bucks in quarters is excessive but they both know it’s nothing new. Both Ellie and Abby worked weekends at their family business Miller Construction to fund it. Neither of the last names are Miller but Dina didn’t question it, always stuck on the image of Ellie in a toolbelt more than anything else. Sometimes they wrap up early on Sundays and come in covered in sawdust and sweat, ready to spend their entire pay and leave Dina breathless.

“We’re getting close,” Ellie says, looking up at the water gun on the top shelf behind Dina.

“I feel like you’d be a lot closer if you just bought one outright,” Dina says teasingly.

“We could never find a beauty like that in the wild,” Ellie says dramatically, accepting the rolls of quarters as Dina hands them over.

She’s not entirely wrong. Jackson was a small town and there certainly wasn’t another place around where they’d find it outside of actually driving to a city.

Dina doesn’t get the appeal, but she admires the dedication.

--

In the following weeks, Ellie and Abby start to come in on days after practice with wet hair and eager expressions.  

“We’re getting really close,” Ellie says again one Monday afternoon. The first time she’s shown up without Abby in tow. “Abby thinks we might hit it tonight,” she continues.

They’d been chatting for a handful of hours, Ellie had come up to get change and lingered to chat until she eventually just sat on the counter. The conversation was easy, Ellie’s smile was bright, and Dina didn’t want it to end.

So of course, Abby finally arrives.

She narrows her eyes questioningly when she sees Ellie at the counter and Ellie is almost immediately pink as she hops off the counter.

“How’d you go so far?” Abby asks.

“I, uh,” Ellie runs a hand through her hair sheepishly. “I haven’t started.”

“Dude,” Abby groans, punching Ellie in the shoulder. “Come on, get your head in the game!”

Ellie winces at the punch. “That was hard!” She protests as she shoves Abby. Abby grabs her and they begin to attempt to wrestle each other, their legs twisting as they both attempt the same move to trip the other over.

“Hey!” Dina yells incredulously. “No roughhousing!”

“Sorry, Dina,” Ellie apologises as they break apart, elbowing Abby when the other girl doesn’t speak.

“I’m sorry too,” Abby says lamely.

“Excuse my cousin,” Ellie says. “She doesn’t have any manners ’cause she was raised in a barn.”

“Hey!” Abby frowns. “That’s not true and we’re not cousins.”

“We are cousins,” Ellie says rolling her eyes.

“No, we’re not,” Abby protests.

“We are too!”  

“We are not,” Abby says exasperatedly. “You’re the adopted kid of my dad’s sister’s husband’s brother.”

“Exactly!” Ellie agrees brightly, turning back to Dina with a smile. “So, we’re cousins.”

Dina tries and fails to hide her laughter.

“Your aunt is my aunt but we’re not each other’s aunt’s children,” Abby tries to argue, looking mildly confused. “So we’re like distantly connected but not related and therefore not cousins.”

“I don’t think that’s how it works,” Ellie says shaking her head. “If my dad is the brother of your aunt’s husband then we’re cousins.”

“We don’t share any grandparents though,” Abby says, scratching her head. “So, we can’t be cousins.”

“Dude, I’m adopted,” Ellie says with a laugh. “It makes no difference if I’m your aunt’s child or your dad’s brother-in-law’s brother’s child, because either way there’s no blood there.”

Abby frowns. “I don’t- I don’t get it.”

“Neither do I,” Dina interjects. “I don’t think I followed any of that.”

“Anyway,” Ellie says. “We’re cousins and we need some more quarters, please and thank you.”

“We just need 217 more tickets,” Abby says, looking up at the water gun.

Dina looks up at the water gun, dust settled on grey and purple body of it. “I don’t know if it’s worth the tickets,” she says apologetically, looking at the small sign reading ‘Redeem for 15,000’ in front of it. “I have no idea much money you’ve spent so far, but you’ve spent a lot.”

“It’s the 1996 CPS 2000 Mk 1 Super Soaker,” Abby says, as though it means something to Dina. “It’s priceless.”

“Is it?” Dina asks.

“It’s the first elastic pressure Super Soaker ever made,” Ellie adds.

The addition doesn’t clarify anything for Dina and her blank expression must tell them as much.

“It was discontinued last year for the 1998 CPS 2500,” Abby frowns. “The 2500 has an even smaller nozzle than the CPS 2000 Mk 2.”

“Is that- is that what this one is?” Dina asks.

“This is the first release,” Ellie says. “The Mk 2 has 25% less capacity cause they shortened the pressure gauge and most of them have a different pump with a visible pin…” Her voice trails off, seemingly a little embarrassed.

“The Mk2 and the 2500 are shit compared to this,” Abby says. “This is the most powerful Super Soaker ever produced, better than the 300!”

“Oh wow,” Dina says politely, trying to force enthusiasm into her voice.

“It’s got the best time, output and range,” Abby continues. “I heard that someone once shot a kid in the eye with one and it removed the eye.”

“I really really doubt that,” Dina says. “Regardless, when you do get it, please do not shoot each other in the face.”

“We won’t,” Ellie smiles.

“Redemption will never be as sweet,” Abby whispers to herself, still gazing up at the water gun.

--

They get it by the Thursday, lugging in several backpacks of tickets for Dina to look at.

“We’ve come for redemption,” Abby says in a gravelly voice, her expression only serious for a moment before it cracks and she’s grinning dopily.

Counting the tickets was a chore and Dina didn’t do it as closely as she probably should have, trusting Abby’s count considering how meticulously ordered and bound the tickets were in sets of 250.

When Dina finally hands it over, Abby hugs the gun tightly to her chest. Dina’s mildly concern that Abby might kiss it.

Ellie and Abby’s jaws drop when Dina takes another identical water gun out from under the counter and places it back on the top shelf.

“There’s another-” Ellie says, eyes wide.

“I want it,” Abby whispers.

“Abby, we can’t-” Ellie tries.

“I want it,” Abby says wistfully. “We can totally get it.”

“We cannot,” Ellie protests.

“Think of how powerful we’ll be,” Abby says, bouncing on her feet a little like she’s torn between running off to play with the water gun or to go back to one of the arcade machines.

“I just don’t get it,” Dina mutters to herself.

--

It takes a week until they show up again; she talks to Ellie at times at school, but they don’t share lunch period and it’s not the same.

Her shifts feel longer, the kids seem more annoying and her homework seems to make less sense.

Their arrival makes her disproportionately happy, beaming at them as they come over to the counter to make change.

“I see you still have both eyes, Abby,” Dina says almost affectionately. “Did it live up to all your hopes and dreams?”

“It really did,” Abby says giddily, her eyes sparkling. “We’re gonna get his brother now, I think.”

Dina grins. “By the way, we just got in Mortal Kombat 4.”

“Finally!” Abby yells, smacking the counter before stalking away.

“I like her,” Dina says to Ellie.

“She’s pretty great,” Ellie sighs. There’s a beat of silence before them before Ellie’s peers over the counter. “How’s your homework treating you?”

Dina groans.

“That bad?” Ellie asks, looking apologetic for asking.

“Math is just not my thing,” Dina says, dropping her face into her hands.

“Can I help?” Ellie asks earnestly.

--

It’s later that night when it happens.

They spend an hour looking through the work, Ellie sitting with Dina behind the counter as she works through a handful of example questions in a crooked handwriting.

And it slowly clicks.

Dina’s almost giddy with relief as she understands. “God, I’m so glad we’re friends now,” Dina says honestly.

“Me too,” Ellie smiles softly, her eyes crinkling.

“You know what’s funny?” Dina asks, unable to stop herself.

“What?”  

“It’s funny but I had a huge crush on you like two years ago,” she admits.

Ellie’s jaw drops. “Really?”

Dina nods sheepishly.

“Wait, really? Two years ago?” Ellie asks pressingly.

“Yeah,” Dina flushes.

Ellie swears, smacking the table in front of her and pacing in the small space.

“What?”

“I had a crush on you two years ago,” Ellie groans, rubbing her eyes.

“Oh for fucks sake,” Dina curses, her head in her hands.

“I know,” Ellie sighs.

“Fuuuuck.”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you ever say anything?” Dina asks, looking up to question Ellie.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Ellie repeats anxiously.

They stare at each other almost angrily in their frustration, tense and regretful. Dina can’t blame her for not saying anything and she knows it.

Two years of what ifs between them.

“You good?”

They both startle, jumping in their skin to turn and find Abby on the other side of the counter, glancing between them and chewing gum lazily.

“She had a crush on me two years ago,” Ellie laments, the words rushing out all at once.

“Okay,” Abby says, blowing a bubble and popping it before continuing. “But like, she still likes you, so what’s the issue?”

Dina has never hated her more.

“I- Abby you-” Ellie stammers, looking angrily at Abby before turning to Dina. “I- I mean, do you?”

Dina swallows before nodding awkwardly.

Ellie looks elated, bouncing on the balls of her feet slightly with restless energy like Abby the week prior. “Do you, uh, do you wanna go on a-?” She clears her throat. “Can I take- Can I please take you on a date? Would you-”

Dina reaches out to stop her, taking Ellie’s hand gently in hers. “I would love to go on a date with you,” she says sincerely, her cheeks are burning, and she knows she’s probably blushing just as much as Ellie.

They smile at each other eagerly, thrumming with excitement and giddy with affection.

“So like,” Abby interrupts. “Can I get some more quarters, though?”

 (Ellie has baseball practice after school the next day. Dina has the night off work, so she sits in the stands, her homework open and ignored in her lap. They go to a diner for burgers and fries afterwards, holding hands across the table, and they have their first kiss that night at Dina’s front door.)

:)

“Dad look, it’s Y/n!”

The excited clapping of the young child who sat on one of the bleachers let a smile appear on my face. I waved to them, laughing when the child hid behind their father in embarrassment.

“Look it’s Y/n!” Jennie mocked in a slightly higher voice after she appeared behind me. I rolled my eyes before I put a hand on Jennie’s shoulder,

“At least I have some solo fans Ms. Kim.”

“Can you stop your nonsense for five minutes and get your asses over here?” Chaeyoung called over, careful not to attract any attention of her use of words.

Intrigued by Chaeyoung who normally had a very clean mouth in public, Jennie and jogged over to the bench where the rest of the team prepared for the next part of the match. We had one the first round, scoring 25:17 and for now, it seems to be an easy win for our team. One of my favorite things about volleyball though, is how fast a game can turn around. Especially as the team’s captain and ace, I would call myself cocky and even pretty arrogant sometimes but that doesn’t change the amount of respect that I have for any of our opponents.

“Before you get out on the field again, I want you to remember not to underestimate them,” the coach started, his eyes focused on the fans on the bleachers behind us. “We may have higher standards which can guarantee us an easy win but we also have our weak points. Don’t go out on that field if you think you’re superior because in the end…you’re nothing without your teammates.”

His words sounded harsh to anyone who didn’t know about our team’s story but we knew better. We knew how fast G-Dragon and his team lost their title as best Highschool volleyball team of their generation. They lost to their arrogance against other teams. I didn’t want that to happen to us, I want to play in the best team of my time…but I want to archive that through hard work and the necessary respect for other teams and players who know better than I do.

With all of these thoughts on the back of my mind, I stepped back onto the field. My teammates got into their position as well while my eyes were piercing into those of the opposing captain, she was a setter like Chaeyoung and Soyeon, a very talented at that but I couldn’t help but notice how she always seemed to hesitate before the ball touched the palm of her hands. A whistle got my attention just seconds later, the second part of the game began.

Most of my senses seemed to be sharpened as my eyes chased the ball in search of a good attack. Our opponents played right into our hands, the left corner of the field. Though, it wasn’t unknown that hitting from the left corner was one of my specialties, almost every hit I got collided with the ground.

My eyes met Chaeyoung’s for a split second, making me immediately realize what she was up to. In a few fast steps, I managed to get ahead of the blockers on the other side of the net. It might’ve been the first game in the tournament but I already felt different as my hand came in contact with the ball. Almost like time had slowed down to give me the perfect moment to attack. The ball thundered to the ground, much faster than any of the players could dive after it.

It was only one of many points to come but I already felt special. If everyone on the team gives their all throughout the games, I’m sure we’ll have more than a decent chance to win, just like every newspaper in the city predicted.

I stepped back to my position and with a quick nod from Chaeyoung and thumbs up from Minnie, everything went blurry. Well, not blurry, in fact, my vision was even more focused than before. It gave me the chance to see every single detail around.

How some fans were focused on a particular player and just how loud it was in the stadium. Some call these sharpened senses some players get while playing, insanity. Others prefer to call it talent. I would call it a mix of both. I’ve heard how people called me insane for keeping up with my training even when a few parts of my body worked against me but also heard how people praise my dedication, saying I would make it far. Insane or talented and perhaps even both, I couldn’t bring myself to care what people called me behind my back. Every time the ball connects with my hand, I feel a spark and this spark alone makes playing worth it, now matter the consequences.

“Unfortunately we weren’t able to see much of the praised captain Y/n Lee until now… The last games were surely exhausting for the Wing Spiker… Maybe we’ll see more in the future.”

A reporter’s voice briefly caught my attention while I was waiting to get back into the court. I didn’t hear much, only the disappointment lacing his voice as he spoke about not seeing any of my special attacks in this game. What does he think I’m doing the whole time? Standing in the way?

“Y/n!” Shuhua muttered. She was standing next to me, a hand immediately wandering to my shoulder when she caught me watching the reporter from the corner of my eyes. “Don’t do anything stupid, we only need three more points.”

“I know and I won’t trust me,” I answered quickly before I took my position on the field.

The game kept its exhausting atmosphere. Our opponents weren’t bad, of course they weren’t, they did make it to the nationals after all. I just felt that the game was too slow with only two points left for the win. Deciding to take things into my own hands, I silently made Chaeyoung understand that the last two points were for me.

The blockers were slightly unfocused, a perfect opportunity for a softer spike, something they won’t see coming. Not only could a softer spike manage to throw them compl out of their mind, it could also mean match point, the point where the game comes to an end. Once again, I rushed towards the net, on the left side. I didn’t focus on my speed but on the height I was able to jump. 275cm, a record I set for myself a few months ago, would be high enough to get a good ankle of the the side of the court.

One side of the crowd began to cheer as I jumped higher than I intended, effectively surprising me. Still, I spiked the ball through the blockers on the other side and stumbled backwards, panting as I realized how high I actually jumped. 3 meters or even higher? I couldn’t keep thinking about it as our match point was announced.

The last point to win this match which I thought should’ve been mine, went away to Shuhua who had ultimately proven herself for a first year in one of the best teams right now. I excitedly cheered and clapped as I knew how much Shuhua had dreamed of this. I was on the same position two years ago, nervous and anticipating whats to come after I spiked the last ball of the game over the net. Sure, when I look back on it now, I would laugh at how bad this spike actually was but that’s how I knew I had grown since then.

“What a great game ladies and gentlemen, once again the volleyball club of South Bay High defeated their opponents of Oakwood school for girls. We hope to see for the next game…”

The reporter who announced our win kept talking as our team went into a hug. All of us were panting and laughing at our win. Surroundings faded before we slowly left the field, thanking and cheering at our fans.

“You were amazing.” I smiled at Shuhua who had my arm around her shoulder as she took a sip off her water bottle.

“Weren’t you the one who had all eyes on them?” She asked, ignoring my compliment.

I rolled my eyes before answering, “Well yes but this was your first game in the nationals. When I had spike my first match ball in the nationals, my knees were trembling from my nervousness so I wouldn’t have been mad if you fucked it up.”

“Ah yes.” Shuhua grinned, “I was better than you and now you want to play it down, got it.”

“I would never, believe me,” I said. “But you’re right, you were better than me and I’m proud of you for that.”

Laughing filled the halls as we celebrated our win. The coach was happy and thanked us for the great performance. My own thoughts however, always went back to Soyeon, I had left her alone with a message that gave me mixed feelings but we would visit her father in half an hour.

———————————————————————-

“So…you’ve won?” Soyeon asked as I drove the car along to the streets to the hospital.

“We won.” I corrected her, “25:17 and 24:26 which I think isn’t bad but we could have played faster in order to keep the others more occupied.”

I saw Soyeon fidgeting with the flowers in her hands as she let out a laugh, “You won two sets in a row and still think about going faster?”

“Yeah, you know I always think about doing things better.”

“You’re a monster Y/n.” The woman next to me smirked before we pulled up in front of the hospital.

The halls were filled with patient and crying people, both tears of joy and pain. I was holding the flowers in my arms as Soyeon asked for her father’s room.

“Come on,” she nudged me a few seconds later before taking the flowers back to her.

I trailed behind her, my mind nearly blank as I took in everything around me. Every hall we passed was coloured in the same dull white and the floors were painted a light blue, overall it looked like a normal hospital. We stopped at one of the doors at the end of what seemed to be the third floor.

Soyeon immediately rushed to her father while I silently closed the door and leaned against the wall. The atmosphere was almost suffocating.

“Thank you for getting her here.”

Soyeon’s mother stood next to me. I was startled as I didn’t even realize how she got there, my mind focused on the woman who silently talked to her father. The flowers lay on the table next to the bed, forgotten the moment their eyes had met.

“It’s the least I can do for her,” I answered before I ran a hand through my hair.

An quiet sigh left her lips before she continued, “Not every friend would do that Y/n, I think both of you need to realize that before it’s too late.”

Then she left. My gaze was still focused on the scene in front of me but my mind was long gone. What did Soyeon’s mother mean? Wasn’t it normal to be there for a best friend like this?

I closed my eyes as I finally noticed how exhausted I actually was after the match. The room went silent, for me at least. Reflections of the match took over my vision and left me in a deep state of thinking.

This match let me fly high…but perhaps the next will give the chance to go even higher.

Next Game in: A Week

Previous <> Next, Masterlist

Hither and Thither Chapter II- 365 DNI fanfic

Summary: She saved him, in so many ways a man could be saved. Massimo x Laura. 

Read it here! I’m not that active in Tumblr. Check these sites for updates. 

AO3 

FANFICTION

CHAPTER II- Search and Rescue

Sicily, Italy

He was staring at the ceiling fan for what almost felt like hours. He was hoping, in some way, that the blades whirring above could distract him from his overworked brain.

He couldn't sleep. He didn't want to.

By some reason, the nightmares were more constant these past few weeks. He would wake up in the middle of the night, sweating; his mouth in a half scream. His hands instinctively going to his side, to the scar that hurt the most. He was expecting the warm, thick liquid seeping out of him, draining his life. One spill at a time.

Sleeping was not an option anymore.

And as the stressful nights increased, thinking of her became the automatic alternative.

The only alternative.

As it had been for the past five years.

He closed his eyes, recounting the only and best part of that day.

The raven-haired, dark eyed beauty.

Stay with me. Her voice resounded.

For five years, he's haunted by her image, the sound of her voice, the gentle warmth of her hands. For five years, he's been trying to fill the void, she unknowingly opened. And for five, long years, he's been scouring around the world to find her.

No one could confirm that she was real. Except Alek whose description of the day solidified his determination to find her.

She saved him.

All hell broke loose once they exchanged gunfire. A stampede ensued in the marketplace. Alek managed to drive through the commotion, the woman was still with them. She refused to leave him, even as his other bodyguard, Theo, threatened her. Even then, as they reached the packed hospital.

They rolled him to the emergency room. But en route, due to blood loss, organ failure and shock, he went straight into cardiac arrest. Alek told him how, without hesitation, the woman jumped into the hospital bed, straddled his chest and revived him.

She had single-handedly brought him back. No medical instrument needed.

When he woke up a few days later, the woman wasn't there. Nobody could tell him who and where she was. She didn't leave anything behind. The hospital CCTV cameras didn't get a decent snap of her. The swarm of victims from the stampede, and their relatives didn't help either. He didn't fret about it. He thought that with his connections, he'll find her in a heartbeat. He was complacent, he could find her.

How wrong he was.

From the way she acted professionally, they speculated she was a doctor or a nurse. Or something related. He ruled out her being a doctor, because she looked no more than 30.

Unless she's some kind of prodigy.

He began his search again in the hospitals in Cefalú. Then to local clinics, schools, then volunteer groups, and laboratories. When she wasn't, he tried the nearby town. And the next town. And the next town. And the next. The whole country. The continent. It took a whole solid year.

Sensing that he might've misjudged something, he changed his focus to airports, then to hotels. The tourists that visited the country, spanning to three to six months that summer. He started with Cefalú again. But, even that was still unsuccessful.

It was arduous work, he was aware of it. It's about to be the craziest thing he'd ever done (and he did plenty). But nobody had the gall to call him crazy. Not to his face, anyway.

To be honest, he almost wanted to give up. He wanted to accept defeat for the first time in his miserable life. Without a single progress over the years, he had questioned himself if she was even real. But whenever he did, he would try to distract himself on the endless queue of ladies on his bed.

But the harder he tried to forget her, the memory became more vivid, more real. All his efforts to forget her will be futile. He's back to square one. He'll eventually find himself scanning the reports his people will give him the next day.

What was it about that woman that makes her so damn hard to forget?

Her tenacity?

Her kindness?

Her willingness to save a stranger?

Save him?

The questions were making him restless all these years. He wasn't used to not knowing, not having the thing he wanted. He figured it'll all be answered when—not if—he finds her.

Sometimes, he would daydream of the day he'll finally find her. What would be the first thing he'll do? He didn't know a single thing about romance. He reminisced about those sweet things his father did for his mother when she was still alive. All the things he could remember from his 8-year old memories. He figured, he'd thank her first. Wouldn't that be a first?

Then take her to dinner?

Give her flowers?

Take her shopping?

Give her jewelry?

All that romantic shit he swore he'd never do.

He recalled the old conversations he had with his father. He'd tell him how he met his mother, how she made the notorious Don Victorio Torricelli puny in her arms.

"Women are heaven for the eyes and hell for the soul." His father would tell him.

And he would add, in a cheeky tone. "And purgatory for the wallet."

But he had a tingling, annoying feeling, she'd be worth every euro. Hell, she could spend all his money and he wouldn't care less.

He had never had a more disturbing thought than that.

The woman next to him stirred and snuggled closer to him. She kissed his chest and opened her eyes.

For a moment, he anticipated the gray eyes that tortured his dreams and reality. Instead of the haunting grays, the eyes staring back at him in wonder were deep violet. Like amethyst —cynical, majestic and arrogant. A true reflection of the woman beneath.

He looked away, disappointed.

She was beautiful, perfect, powerful, flawless in every way, even he could admit that. With her dirty blonde hair, tan complexion, long legs and lean physique, men and women bow at her feet.

She was a good diversion, a good release for all the pent up frustration of his existence. He could tell that it was the same for her. For the first few years, anyway.

"Awake already?" She asked against his shoulder, clutching the blanket keeping her decency. "How can I never tire you out?"

He stretched his arms above him and under the pillow to his head. He watched the fan blades again, nonchalant to the kisses she started. Her hand started trailing downwards, tempting. But not tempting enough.

"Fermata."

"You weren't saying that earlier." She said between kisses. Her nails raking his abdomen, down, down.

There was nothing more irritating than disobedience. He clasped her wrist. "I said, stop."

He threw the covers and picked up his pants, phone, and his gun on her bedside table. He didn't need to look at her to see or feel her violet eyes digging holes in his back. He was buttoning his shirt when she spoke.

"Ti amo."

He sighed, his fingers couldn't close around his buttons faster.

"Ti amo, Massimo." She repeated, a little louder this time.

He raised his eyes and unsurprised to see her glistening eyes. "Don't make this hard, Anna."

She sat forward, the blanket, no longer her concern. It slid down her breasts, pooling down her wide hips. "Why not?"

Fuck, why are women so complicated?

He knew he should've gone to Magdalena or Althea instead.

He didn't answer her. He grabbed his suit jacket over the chair, but before he could put it on, he heard her said,

"It's because of her isn't it? That woman."

He stopped, but remained his position- his back to her.

He heard get up, her naked feet treading on the wooden floor. To him.

"You thought that I wouldn't find out that you're still looking for her? After all these years?" Her voice, croaked yet poisonous.

He muttered a curse. A jealous Anna was as dangerous as a hungry lioness.

"Don't you think it's time to give up, Massimo? It's pointless. You will never find-"

The remaining patience in him snapped. He faced her, his hand immediately closing around her throat. He felt a sense pride surge in him when he saw the flicker of fear in her violet eyes.

"Don't."

Anna grabbed the hand holding her throat and faked a confident smirk.

"You will never find her." She enunciated in a tone meant to dishearten him.

He tightened his hold on her jaw. And the fear in her eyes pulsed.

He hissed, truth staining his words, "And you will never be her."

Her eyes widened and he swore he heard something inside her iciness, break.

He released her.

Anna stared at him, her eyes watering. He should be sorry. Or apologize, or feel remorse, feel something, whatever people fool themselves with. But he doesn't. The cavity where his heart would be was only a hollow, corrupted emptiness.

Fuck manners.

Fuck tradition.

Fuck Mario and his dream of marrying a Torricelli to a Rizzuto.

"I can't do this anymore." He said.

And this time, he knew he meant it.

He passed her and put his jacket. He headed towards the door, not the very least concerned that Anna might point a gun on him.

She, of all people, knew better than that.

The mansion was dark and empty, but her men lurk every corner. He went down the grand staircase, the candles on the walls were his guide. He heard and saw his and Anna's guards huddled around the table in the foyer. They were knee-deep in a game of poker. And from the boisterous shrieks of her men, his team was losing. Domenico was laughing, but when he met his eyes, he cleared his throat. The men scurried with their spoils, stuffing them in their pockets.

The car was already outside. Alek opened the door for him as he checked his phone. Beni, his IT guy, sent him the reports he's gathered for the day.

He flipped through the profiles of women as they drove through the night. All of them were raven-haired, has dark gray eyes, aged 25 to late 30's. Single women, married women, lesbian.

What if she changed her hair now?

Or what if she was wearing contact lenses that day?

What if he already found her profile, but missed it?

Worse, what if she's married? Or has a kid?

He exhaled a sigh of frustration, leaned his elbow on the door and pinched the sides of his nose.

Where are you?

Beside him, he could feel his brother smirking at him.

Without taking his eyes off his phone, he warned. "If you don't stop peeking, I'll gouge your eyes out with the same toothpick you're using."

Domenico tittered with amusement, but looked away anyway. Unlike everyone else, his brother still supported his foolish pursuits.

He was caught up with his task when Domenico reminded him,

"Mario's asking me if we're still going to Rome tomorrow... er in a few hours?"

Ah. Fuck.

He glanced at his clock, 3:12.

"Tell him we're leaving at 5. We'll be back here at 11."

"Va bene." Domenico simpered, chewing on his toothpick.

Massimo closed his eyes and her image intruded his darkness again. Her delicate steady hands. A pair of eyes that were the darkest of grays that resembled the storms at sea. And her radiant smile that was nudging something, waking something in him.

I'll find you.

I'll find you.

Whatever it takes.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warsaw, Poland

The sandwich her assistant left for her was sitting idle, cold on her table. It reminded her that she hasn't eaten her lunch yet. Or her breakfast.

She's been working on her lateral and sales report she thought she could give to Marek today. If Oskar was correct (he usually is), she'd be getting that promotion today. Though, no one in this company comes close to her credentials, she felt that she should still secure it. She hadn't stopped since last night. Even when Martin came home at 1 in the morning.

Her nails tapped against the keyboard in unwavering determination. The classical piano music she's listening to was helping her concentration. She worked on her keyboard as if they were piano keys, an instrument close to her by heart.

She's only two words away when there's a knock on her door. From the corner of her eye, she saw her assistant peeked her red head behind the door.

"Miss Biel?"

"Yes?" She answered, without taking her eyes off her screen.

"There's someone here."

Oh, God. Please don't be Martin.

They had a little argument today. Again. This time, it was about the empty carton of milk he keeps putting back in the fridge. They had a little scream fest, thus the reason for her lost of appetite. She was finally seeing the pig Olga was describing. But still, she felt regretful when he stormed out of their apartment. In a day, they'll be travelling to Sicily and she wouldn't be caught dead going alone on her own birthday. Let alone, be alone in an airplane.

She frowned, "Who?"

Her assistant opened the door to reveal her long-time friend.

The second her eyes landed on the baggy sweatpants, she knew something was wrong.

"Bianka!" She pushed her chair and strode towards her. She pulled her into a tight hug and nodded to her assistant, who closed the door behind her.

If Olga's the craziest and loudest person, Bianka's always been the most timid, the prettiest. She's the heart of their little group, their valuable asset. Put Bianka in front of the group and they're sure, bouncers would let them in, people would part and give them way. Men, women craned their necks whenever she passes by. They never pay for their own drink in the bar— much to Olga's pleasure— whenever Bianka was with them. She lost count of the times Bianka saved their asses with her power of persuasion and flirting. She had the charming face and the body of a supermodel that everyone envies. Mile-long legs that look good in any dress, plump lips, a sun-kissed complexion, shiny brown hair that went past her waist.

But instead of the straight brown mane, was a disheveled nest for a hair. Bianka was a mess. Her clothes were baggy and wrinkled. It's a wonder how she got past security looking like that.

"What happened, B?"

Instead of answering, Bianka returned her hug and sobbed.

"There, there honey. Come, sit." With her still in her arms, she sat them on the nearby couch in her office. "Is it Russo, again?"

Like a plaguing curse to every beautiful woman, her friend decided to fall in love with yet another jerk. Though, this time it was an upgrade from the alcoholic she had before. This time, it was a user. They broke up not more than a month ago, but she tell could from the tousled appearance of her friend that she's not over it.

Bianka raised her head from her chest and shook her head. "No." She snuffled. "Well, not entirely."

"Oh honey. How many times do we have to tell you." She wiped her friend's tears and offered a handkerchief from her pants pocket. "He's not worth your tears. Nobody is. You're too beautiful for him anyway."

She continued, her tone half joking, half serious. "Can you imagine your children? I wouldn't forgive you if you ever had his children. I mean, poor little things Just, biedne małe rzeczy." She clicked her tongue.

Bianka let out a weak chuckle. "Yeah, we will have ugly children."

"See? Cheer up B."

Bianka sat up, grabbed her hankie, all the while keeping her head down.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there with you yesterday." she apologized, the guilt creeping up her stomach.

"I told you, it's okay. I know how your work is important to you." Her friend took a lighter tone and met her eyes. "So, did you kick Dexter's ass? Or whatever his name was?"

"Like you have to ask?" She chuckled and sat with a leg under her, her hand behind her bun. "You're now looking at the general manager of the Regent."

"Shut up! Shut up! Are you serious?" Bianka's face brightened with pride. She and Olga knew how long she has been waiting for that promotion.

"Well, not yet. The Senior asked me to go to his office later today to discuss yesterday and something." She replied, applying the quotation marks on the word "something".

"Well, I'm so proud of you. You deserve it." Bianka beamed at her.

And an idea hit her. She stood up and grabbed the handset from the phone on her marble coffee table.

"Sophia?" She called her assistant. "Won't you come over here, please?"

Within seconds, Sophia came at her door again. "Yes, Miss Biel?"

"Please book the same flight for Bianka Antos. She's going with me to Sicily tomorrow. Put it on my card. That's Bianka, with a K and Atnos as A-T-N-O-S. Check my book for her details.

Bianka's turquoise eyes widened. "No, Laura, no."

She smirked before adding, "Could you also go with Conrad to get my things in my apartment? Send it here. I'll talk to Oskar."

Sophia nodded, her hand still on the doorknob.

"That would be all Sophia, thank you."

And her assistant left.

"No, Laura. I can't let you—"

"It's already done. Sophia is very efficient. We're leaving 7 am tomorrow." She waved her cellphone, showing the confirmed flight. "See?"

"I can't, Laura. You can't"

"Yeah, I can." She insisted.

"I have—"

"Please. It's not like you can't bat your eyes at your boss, who, I think is the perfect match for you." She teased, before getting up to check on their reservation on her laptop.

Better cancel that queen-sized bed too.

"What about Martin?"

"We had a fight this morning. I don't think he's coming." She shrugged, unfazed.

"Why? What about?"

"Nothing. Something stupid." She replied with a resigned tone.

Bianka patted the empty space next to her, the spot she vacated not moments ago. "Tell me."

Bianka's always felt happy with her and Martin's relationship. She was their cheerleader. Unlike Olga, who was more vocal about her dislike and disapproval. When Martin proposed, Bianka cried as she congratulated her while Olga didn't talk to her for three days. Bianka's always been the one person she could go for a Martin-related advice. If there was someone she could vent out right now, Bianka was the right person.

"I'm not so sure if I should still marry him." She admitted, quite surprised by how steady she sounded.

"Why?"

"I… I don't know." She shrugged again. "Am I crazy? Or this was just cold feet?"

Bianka gaped at her, her smothered eyes, deep and pensive. "You don't love him anymore?"

She seemed startled by the question and answered in reflex.

"I do." And she repeated for good measure, as if it'll make it true. "I do."

Bianka cocked a groomed eyebrow at her.

Deep down, she knew. She had a feeling she had always known. Something about last night and this morning was the final straw. She sighed.

It was Bianka's turn to pull her in her arms. "Oh, honey."

"I'm okay. I'm okay." She appealed, hugging her friend back. "I just have to be sure."

They fell into a comfortable silence, until she heard Bianka mumbled,

"If you want my two cents, yeah, you should break up with him."

She gave a bittersweet laugh, pulled away and held Bianka's shoulders at arms length. "Who are you and what have you done to Bianka, the manager of Laura and Martin's fan club?"

Her friend looked relieved. "I'm happy if you're happy… Now." She clapped her hand on her knees and got up, enlivened of a sudden. "If I'm going with you to Italy tomorrow, I got some persuading to do. What was I thinking going here dressed up like this?"

She chuckled, "Glad to have you back."

"Do you have clothes here?"

Being the Sales Director, she's privileged enough to have her own office.

The wide window allowed her a view of the garden. Her office has its own powder room. A three-seater mid century blue couch and two white armchairs laid for her guests. Displayed on her walls were gold rimmed glass shelves lined with decor. At the center of the space, resting on the finely crafted carpet was her glass computer desk. It wasn't as big and luxurious like what Sawecki had. But it was enough for her. She was content with having her own space for a change.

She nodded. "Yeah. Check the cabinet in the bathroom."

"Please tell me that I won't find that same outfit in there." Bianka complained, pointing to her clothes with disgust.

She looked down herself. She was wearing a black pencil skirt, a matching black long sleeve and black pumps— her work clothes. "Why? What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

"Nobody died, Laura. Why are you always like somebody died?"

She laughed. "Go, get cleaned up. I also have some make-up there." She got up and fetch her phone again. "I'll call Olga, see if she wants to come too."

"Yeah, but you know what she's gonna say. You know how she is with Italy."

She stopped, her fingers hovering on the button.

She could still remember it as if it was yesterday. What's supposed to be a relaxing summer vacation became one of the most unforgettable moments of her life.

Some five years ago, Olga's cousin, Remri, invited them for the summer. Laura fell in love with the place. Everything about Sicily was a dream come true. From the landscapes, the culture, the ancient architecture, the people, the food. Everything was going well. Olga even met and hooked up with an Italian guy from Cefalú whom they met in one of the clubs.

One summer day, they drove down to Cefalú to see where the guy lived. They stopped by the marketplace because two of their colleagues wanted to check it out. Bianka and her boyfriend at the time went to find a restaurant while Olga and Italian guy stayed in the car. She didn't wanna be around with all the moaning and frolicking so she left them.

She was dawdling around, fascinated by the souvenir shops when Bianka called her. She told her to meet them at this Mediterranean restaurant they found. They're seated in the balcony overlooking the market and the sea when she heard it.

At first, she thought they were fireworks. She was about to joke that Italians have a weird sense of timing.

Who would light fireworks in the middle of the day?

But at the corner of her eye, she saw two bodies fall down. Then everybody was running in different directions, screaming, panicking.

One of the men in black grabbed the other fallen, an older gentleman and disappeared to the stairs.

It didn't take a moment for her instincts to kick in. She rushed to the body nearest her. A younger man— she could tell that he was Italian from his deep-set eyes, his stubble and bone structure.

No more than two years older than me, she remembered thinking.

He had a bullet lodged in his torso, right where his large intestine was. His body was going into a septic shock. And the guards around her were more concerned about who fired at them rather than the man lying on the balcony.

She remembered his brown eyes— so dark they looked almost black. She couldn't forget, how, even at the brink of death, they still look fearless, calm… exquisite. His eyes, his willingness to live motivated her to keep him awake, alive. They were the only thing that kept her from running away with the other terrified guests.

Olga and Italian guy were one of the victims of the stampede that occurred in the marketplace. Olga had been traumatized and swore she would never go back to Italy. They left as soon as they released Olga from the hospital hours later.

After that summer, she had never had a stronger MO to become a doctor.

But alas, life hit her like a bitch.

Sometimes she still wonders about the man and his dark chocolate eyes.

Did he live?

She hoped he did.

The creak of the door opening interrupted her reverie.

"Explain to me," Bianka announced, "Why do you insist on wearing black when you've got this in your closet?"

She turned around and sashayed towards her, fresh faced- far from the wreck she was earlier. Bianka was wearing her white off-shoulder peplum dress. It was the one dress Martin bought for compensation when he forgot to pick her up.

"Bright colors are not really my thing… If you want it, you can have it."

"No! After you have forced me to take that trip." Bianka whined as she checked herself in the mirror. "Stop being so nice for a change, Laura."

"Correction. I'm only kind to you. And Olga… sometimes… when she's not cranky."

"Did you call her yet?"

"No."

She got… distracted.

"What do you think she'll say?" She bit her nails. Olga could be pretty scary sometimes. "What if I told her there's gonna be free booze?"

"Ha!" Bianka scoffed, running her hand down her dress. "Even that won't make her come."

"But it's my birthday!" She pouted. "I want my best girls with me."

Bianka flopped down the couch where she was at. "For you my friend, I'll convince her."

"Thank you." She pursed her lips.

Bianka smiled and gave her a peck.

"Now, get out of here. I got some work to do."

Bianka got up from the couch and turned to the door, her ratty sweats in her hands. "I don't deserve you, Laura."

"Don't go sappy on me now. Get out." She grinned at Bianka blew her a kiss and left.

She went back to her desk and proceeded to finish her paper. When she was all done, she printed two copies of each and practiced her spiel.

With still thirty minutes to spare, she typed Sicily on the web and searched for activities she and Bianka could do. She cancelled the romantic getaways and listed her and Bianka's name in the Spa and the city tour. She was humming along the keys of Yiruma, astonished by the lack of guilt for Martin.

That must be a good thing.

Still have time to kill, she found herself googling "Cefalú Shootout 2015" again. But the results remain the same. As it had been for the past few years. The news only focused on the stampede that injured a hundred others. It mentioned nothing about the gunfire that happened in the restaurant. The Google pages ran out and still, nothing.

How weird.

How could they not report anything that big? It probably started the stampede in the first place.

There was a soft knock on the door again.

"Miss Biel?" Came a high, honeyed voice. She recognized the short, pixie-haired woman, her elfish face peering behind the door.

"Yes?"

"Mr. Marek is ready for you now." Marek's assistant informed.

Showtime.

"I'll be there in two."

She fetched her items and glanced at the mirror to check her hair and attire. "I don't dress for a funeral." She convinced herself, flattening the nonexistent crease on her skirt.

She made her way to the 32nd floor, her chin held high. She tried to keep the butterflies floating around her stomach.

This is it, Laura.

She held a conscious hand to her heart before knocking on the door. "Sir?"

Don't faint. Don't faint. Don't faint. No matter what he says, no matter what happens, don't faint.

"Come in." Said the deep voice from behind the room.

"Good afternoon Sir." She smiled, her brightest smile while clutching the folder behind her back. "You wanted to see me?"

"Ah yes, Miss Biel." The man stood up and extended his hand.

She grasped it.

His office was 10x bigger than hers. But you could expect that from the top senior position in the company. He has its own adjacent meeting room, a large lounge area, a comfortable bathroom and a 360 degree view of the city.

"Sit down, sit down." He pointed to the sturdy chairs in front of his table.

"Thank you."

"What do we have here?" He asked, eyeing the folder on her lap.

"Ah, these are the annual sales report for the past year. Thought you might want to see that." She slid him the file.

"Thank you. But I don't need to review this to see that the hotel is thriving, Miss Biel." He supplied and leaned back on his high chair. "All thanks to you. You're the best in this job."

"It's only because I have the best team, Mr. Marek."

"Hayden, please. Don't make me feel older than I am."

She tried ignoring the lewd glint in his eyes.

"Hayden."

"How many years have you been working for The Regent, Laura?"

"Four and a half years this coming August."

"And you started as a server, right?"

"Yes, si- uh, Hayden."

"Then you became our receptionist."

She smiled and nodded.

"I like your story, Laura. It tells me that hard work can get you anywhere… Is it true that you were a med student? Before you came here?"

"Yes. I, uh, I was on my Clerkship. But I had to quit."

"Yeah. I'm sorry about that." The prick didn't look sorry though. "If given the chance, do you still wanna go back? To studying medicine, I mean?"

She'd been thinking about it. But if she said yes to Marek, she might not get that promotion. "I still think about it to past the time but I fell in love with hotels. I can still help and serve people here, without the gory details."

Marek laughed. "Of course, of course."

He stood from his chair, and patted the file to his lips. "As you now know, we're in need of a general manager by the end of the week…" He half sat on the table, his beady eyes on her. "And I know for a fact, you're perfect for the job."

Yes.

She tried to control her voice. "I will do my best, Sir."

"Hayden."

"Hayden." She repeated with a forced smile.

"Good, good."

Okay, can she go now?

Marek, once again, stood and circled her in a way that reminded her of a predator.

She heard the alarming ringtones going off in her head.

Please don't do anything stupid. Please don't do anything stupid.

She willed her heart to slow down.

He stopped behind her and grasped her shoulders. She flinched, but remained seated. Even as he sniffed her hair.

She felt the bile rising from her throat.

"Yes, good, good. You will be good."

"Please, take your hands off me." She pleaded, keeping her voice firm and stable. Her hands, closed into tight fists on her lap, to keep it from shaking.

"You will do everything I say if you want still want that promotion."

His breath smelt like cigarettes.

She tried her best not to gag.

But then, he licked behind her ear and she cracked.

She stood up, his chin hitting her shoulder with a loud thwack!

Marek yelped in surprise and pain from biting his own tongue. "Mah tang!"

She turned on her heel and threw her quivering fist on his nose. It landed square on and Marek fell down on his ass.

Her fist was burning from the impact. Hot ball of tears wet her eyelids. Her entire body, being, shaking from the assault. "You can have your promotion, you fucking pervert."

"You bitch!" He cried, pinching his bleeding nose.

"Don't ever tough me again." She hissed and with great effort, she ran out. She ignored the sly looks from the people she passed by and went straight to her office.

Sophia caught up to her. "Miss Biel? Miss Biel? Are you alright?"

She's here already?

She wiped the tear running down her cheek. "You found everything okay at my apartment?"

"Yes... Um." Sophia pushed her round glasses on the bridge of her nose. "Your luggage is in the lobby. Shall I send them up?"

She shook her head. "No. But can you book me my usual room downstairs? I'll stay here for the night."

"Of course." Her assistant gave her a wry smile.

"Dziękuję Ci, Sophie."

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The sound of the rotors touching down roused him from his dreamless sleep.

He sat up from the nook and took his seat. The stewardess proceeded to arrange the pillows and blanket he slept on. Mario has already been awake on the opposite gangway. The old man nudged a snoozing Domenico beside him who jumped out of his chair. His hand going to his holster.

Glad to know, paranoia runs in the family.

Business in Rome has always been a pleasure. The one-hour flight was almost worth it. But right now, he's looking forward to the day off. After the drama with Anna, he wanted to be alone. He craved it, like a kid with a candy. He felt like he deserves a moment of solitude. Away from the drugs, the prostitution rings, the guns, the people, and Mario. Especially Mario.

May be I'll take out the Titan this afternoon.

Of all the things he owned, his yacht has to be his favorite. It was his cheapest yet most treasured escape. Only a few selected people have the prerogative to join him there. He's determined to keep it that way. Mario hated it. Then again, the old man have always hated and avoided everything with the word "Fun" on it.

The pressurized cabin door opened. Mario rose from his seat first before a yawning Domenico followed him out the aircraft. He stretched his legs before he, too, was up on his feet.

"Hope you had a wonderful flight, Signore." Flirted the stewardess before flashing him a toothy grin. She was pretty and looked too rangy for a stewardess. Domenico must have picked her out the litter himself.

He ignored her and stepped out the threshold. The sun was blooming on the horizon, warming the sky in an orange bluish blanket. He inhaled the fresh and sweet Sicilian breeze, relishing it.

Home again.

He closed his jacket and donned his aviators. The sun may be pretty today, but that doesn't mean he stopped hating it.

"Massimo," Mario started as soon as he entered the car. "Montisanno wanted to meet with you regarding the new armory shipments."

"It's already here?" He asked, surprised.

"Yes. It arrived only an hour ago. They want to know if you wanna take a look."

Fuck. So much for the day off.

He gave him curt nod. "We'll go straight there." He ordered the driver who pulled up at the arrival area where a sea of people are waiting in queue for their taxi.

"Why are we going this way?" He asked, irritated.

The driver looked nervous and stammered a reply. Domenico stepped in for him. He shifted from the front passenger seat to explain. "They closed the private road for some maintenance."

"Out of all the days, they chose today." He grumbled.

"Infatti, no?" His brother muttered back, chomping down his gum.

"Where's your toothpick?" He joked, his voice flat.

He knew that Domenico was trying (and failing) to quit smoking. His "alternatives", including toothpicks and gum, were only making it worse for him.

He told him that if he wanted to smoke, then he should. They're all gonna die anyway, some way. And with their lifestyle, it's a guarantee.

Domenico turned to him again, his eyebrows wiggling. He bragged, "The stewardess has it."

His lips quirked into a smirk.

The driver slowed as a couple wheeled their push carts over the trolley lanes. A traffic marshall recognized their car and immediately stopped the other vehicles. The man was pointing for the other cars to move aside and make way. The man was wearing a very distracting tattered, neon vest. It was hurting his eyes.

He was staring forward, making a mental note to mention this detail to the governor, when a reflection caught his attention.

Everything moved, as if in slow motion.

But, not slow enough.

A black haired woman was arranging her hair in a messy bun. All the while, she was staring at his window. Her eyes, ever so gray and penetrating.

He felt his pathetic excuse for a heart, stopped.

The hair on his arms prickled.

He bolted from his seat and removed his sunglasses.

He spun on his torso, as they passed by her, unwilling to take his eyes off her, in case he was dreaming.

He couldn't speak.

He couldn't think.

"Che cos'è, Massimo?" Mario demanded, alert. "What is it?"

The woman was still staring at the car, as if she could see him through the back tint. Another woman approached her, smiling and pointed to the cab driving to them. The raven-haired woman broke eye contact and smiled at her friend. They loaded their luggages when their cab stopped in front of them.

"Stop the car." His voice between a rasp and a whisper.

"What?"

"I SAID STOP THE CAR!" He bellowed, his voice shaking the interior of the SUV.

The tires screeched to a halt at the side of the road. The impact forced Domenico and Mario forward in their seats.

He threw the car door and sprung from his seat. He ran towards the trunk and watched as she entered the cab. Her smile, not leaving her face.

He heard Mario and Domenico got out the car.

"What happened?" His brother questioned, his head swirling back and forth to his face and the taxi zone.

"It's her."

"What?!" Domenico walked to him, his eyes not leaving him.

While his, were not leaving her ride.

"Where?! Are you sure?"

His entire body was shaking.

He was sure.

This time, he was fucking sure.

The taxi was still stuck in the traffic behind them. He couldn't take his eyes off it. The windows weren't tinted. She was in the back passenger seat, he saw her removing her cardigan. She was laughing at her friend.

It's her.

It's her!

"Domenico, tell the second car to pick you up here."

"Massimo, be rational. We have-" Mario began.

"I don't care! I'm not letting her out of my sight." He was pulsing.

"Who?!" The old man looked mad.

He couldn't waste time.

The traffic was starting to move.

"Get out the car." With hasty footsteps, he walked backwards to the SUV. "Get out, I'm driving!"

The driver stepped down and away from the car.

"Look, let's be calm down for a minute here." Domenico amended and pulled his phone. "I'll ask Alek and the other guys to follow. I'm calling them right now."

No. It has to be him.

He memorized how the cab looked like. A white Ford Galaxy. The company's name branded on the passengers' and rear doors.

"Massimo?"

She's here.

She wasn't a dream.

After all these years.

Five fucking years.

She's real.

"Massimo!" Domenico called again. "Did you get a look at the plates?"

"BB 03813. The Airport Taxi company." he responded in a minute.

Domenico repeated it to the phone. "Okay, okay. Good." He hung up the phone. "It's one of Stefan's."

Cars zoomed past them. Nobody dared to horn; Everybody seemed to recognize the seal on the side doors.

"Good. Tell the second car to pick you up."

"But-" Mario interrupted again.

"Get out of my way or I'll run you over." He snarled, stepping on the driver's stool. His eyes anywhere but the nasty, senile man.

"You're gonna leave us here in the gutter?" Mario complained.

For a minute, he let his eyes wander to his brother. "Domenico…"

His brother nodded at him in understanding. "Alek has your back. The second car is on its way here. I'll make up for your absence."

"Fanculo!" Mario threw his hands up in exasperation.

He was never more thankful for Domenico than that moment.

The taxi took the east 92nd exit, he changed the gear to Drive.

He rolled the windows as Domenico hollered, "I'll patch the taxi's GPS on yours. Vai a prenderla, brother." Go get her.

He smirked at Nico before flooring on the gas.

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I made Laura (indirectly) curious about Massimo too, that way they're both weird together. LOL. I would like to believe that Domenico and Massimo have a great relationship. 'Cause I know Massimo won't have someone he doesn't trust to watch Laura. ALSO, I had different versions of the ending. At first, I don't want Massimo to come after her, but, after five years of pinning? It wouldn't make sense to me if he ordered somebody to do it for him. Tell me if you like it.

Still interested? 😬 My original plan was three chapters only, but if guys want maybe (?) I could do more and cover the entire movie. ?

PLEASE CHECK OUT THE AO3 site and Fanfic I added in the title. I’ll be uploading future chapters there. It’s so hard here on Tumblr. 

Emi Fukukado x F!Reader “Change of Plans”

Heya, everyone! Alrighty, I saw the contest made by @heroheads and I couldn’t help myself. We haven’t talked, so I’m sure this must be awkward and therefore I have to apologize, but congratulations on that 500 followers milestone! I hope you don’t mind me getting in on this even though you don’t know me.

With that said, I decided to do Emi because honestly there’s not enough love for her, and it popped into my head almost immediately so, here we are! It’s, kinda angsty on Emi’s part, and it takes a while before we even get to the love but it’s there. I hope it’s enjoyable!

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Emi Fukukado x F!Reader Change of Plans

Find a guy, fall in love, get married. That had always been the plan.

For a while, Emi truly thought that was how it was going to go down. It was the expectation, it was how a woman knew she had reached the epitome of happiness. In her younger days, it was about all she could think about. Some guy coming in, sweeping her off her feet and towards happiness. She had been so ready for it all, but then it never came. None of the boys in her school ever seemed to really notice her. The few who didn’t turn her down… hadn’t quite met her expectations. There wasn’t a connection, there weren’t sparks, there wasn’t anything in any of the boys she had dated. Her stomach didn’t do flips when she saw them, there weren’t any fireworks going off when they kissed, and she never felt a single heartbreak when the relationship ended. For years she had been so confused by it all. Why was it that nothing clicked?

“Chin up, Emi. Just keep smiling, a nice boy will be sure to fall in love with you soon.” That’s what her mother always told her. She had always figured her mother to be right, she just had to keep trying. There was a man out there for her, she just had to find him!

But then, years had gone by. She put away all of the silly needs for love and doubled down on her hero work, she was young and she needed to get ahead of the game. The agency she had been accepted at was promising after all and it was the start of something spectacular, she could already feel it. She worked hard at her agency, at her job, and she was becoming incredibly successful. The public loved her and she often called home with a new story every week. Though it wasn’t long before the pressing question had jumped out at her.

So, when are you getting married?

Emi had been able to brush off the question at first, giving off hand remarks that her job had to come first, she had a good start and she shouldn’t squander it now by getting new priorities. But the question continued to be asked, and it was becoming harder and harder for her to laugh it off. The dating scene was starting to come back in her peripheral view. She started noticing all of the couples on the street, all of her friends talking about their own relationship. She found it hard to smile the day her friend told her about her engagement. All of the romantic holidays were suddenly becoming much more lonely and Emi found herself at a stand still.

This wasn’t like when she and her friends were younger. Even though they all tried dating, they always stuck together. And now, Emi stood, watching all of her friends go in different directions, arm in arm with the men of their dreams. Something tugged at her heart, not that she could place what it was. Despite her best attempts at dating again, she was left once more with the same empty feeling in her soul. Nothing had changed it seemed, and the frustration soon built up.

“So, have any boys entered your life yet?” Emi could practically hear her mother wiggling her eyebrows over the phone.

She rolled her eyes with a gentle smile. “Come on, mom. You only ask this question like, a hundred times a week,” she shot back.

“I’m just saying, honey. You’re starting to get up there in age, you’re going to want to find a man to settle down with. I found your father at the age of 21 and we were married by the time we were 22,” her mother sighed. “And yet you’re 25 and still single. You need to find a man-”

“Well, for your information, I already found one,” Emi interrupted, trying her best not to grip the phone too tightly in her hands. “He’s from the neighboring agency… Shouta Aizawa.” She wasn’t sure why she said his name of all people, but he was the one who stuck out the most. To be fair, he had always been kind to her, even when she could tell he would rather sleep.

Her mother paused, not expecting her daughter to actually have an answer, but the moment soon passed when a high pitched squeal travelled directly into Emi’s ear. “Oh, sweetie, I’m so happy for you! Tell me everything.”

That was how her infatuation with the underground hero began. She set her sights on him and became relentless in her affections, she sought hard to find every good quality about him. His soft looking hair, how clever he was, the small ways he showed affection. A lot of her energy was focused on how great he was, he would make the perfect husband and she would make the perfect wife. The image had been built before her, and she pursued relentlessly, it felt good to have at least somewhat of an answer whenever her mother asked her. And though the pressure had been somewhat alleviated, it was soon built back on as she entered her late 20s. Her pursuit for Aizawa wasn’t enough to appease her mother anymore and it felt like she was grasping at straws.

She sighed, as she downed her fifth drink in a row. It was late, she should have been calling it a night by now, but she didn’t have the energy to care. As of now, it was just her and her glass, until a dark figure sat on the seat next to her. She looked up to see none other than Aizawa and she giggled drunkenly as she reached her arms out to hug him. “Shouta~ it’s such a nice surprise to see you here!” She pouted when he dodged her open arms.

“Believe me, I’d rather not be here. But you seriously need to go home, you shouldn’t act like this in public,” he hissed quietly.

She giggled again, reaching to poke his cheek. “Aww, you do care! I knew you cared, deep inside,” she sung.

He swatted her hand away with a sigh, grabbing her by the shoulder and lifting her up. “Come on, you’re going home.” She didn’t fight him as he dragged her out of the bar.

The night air was chilly, and she sniffled as she stumbled through the street. She looked around her, seeing a couple ahead of them holding hands. She looked to her side and there was another one, laughing as they cuddled on a bench. Emi’s heart sank as her eyes travelled to the ground.

“You’re awfully quiet,” Shouta mused.

“...Why can’t things ever just work out, Shouta,” Emi asked. “Because I’ve tried so hard to make it work. I’ve given up so much to make things work between every guy I’ve dated, but it doesn’t feel right. Does...does that make sense? When you meet a person you fall in love with, it’s supposed to feel special and light and like your tummy is made of butterflies when they so much as say your name. But it doesn’t matter what I do because that never happens to me. Never.” She sniffed again, barking out a laugh. “It’s why I kept going after you so much. I thought if I just stayed focused on one guy, then it would have to work out, you know? If I didn’t give my heart any other choice I could just make it get feelings and not even that worked! I...I don’t feel the way I think I do about you… I don’t think I ever did. But, but I have to, because what else is left? If this doesn’t work, does that mean that’s it? Am I capable of being loved? Can I love? Because I’ve tried for years and it doesn’t work, I’m just unlovable and I’ll end up all alone with no one-”

“Hey.” Shouta abruptly turned her to face him. “Stop thinking like that. I…” He trailed off, occasionally opening his mouth and then shutting it before groaning and looking at her. “I’m only saying this once, so you better listen. Emi, you are full of love, you’re one of the most loving people I’ve ever met. You are kind and caring and make sure everyone else’s needs are met before taking care of your own. You are so selfless, you are capable of love, that I have no doubt of. Love isn’t something you can just force, it has to come naturally, and if it hasn’t, maybe you just need to start looking for that love in a different direction.” His eyes lost their hardened glare. “I’ll never love you the way you’ve tried to get me to, and I will certainly never marry you. But, for what it’s worth… you have my respect and my support.”

Emi looked at him for a long time, before smiling and hugging him tightly, letting little hiccups into his shoulder. “Thank you, Shouta. Thank you, thank you, thank you…” She smiled a little brighter when he patted her back.

“Alright, alright. Get off already, we’ve reached your building complex, anyhow.”

Quickly, she bounced off him, wiping her face of her tears and stumbling towards her apartment, only to land face first on the stairs and laughing.

A door was opened and a woman appeared, her mouth gaping as she looked at the scene. “Oh my God, Emi? What happened to you, are you okay?” She asked worriedly, rushing down the staircase to reach her.

Emi looked at her with a dazed smile. “Oh, it’s (Y/N)! Yay, hey Shouta, this is my neighbor (Y/N), isn’t she the best? Hehe, I’m fine though, really. Don’t worry about me at all,” she chirped.

She wasn’t buying it and looked towards Shouta. “She just had a little too much to drink, make sure she gets to bed,” were his only instructions.

The woman nodded as she managed to carry Emi back up the stairs, thanking Shouta and bidding him a good night, before looking back down at the hero in her arms. “You’ve been gone for hours without so much as a call, you really had me worried, Em.” She commented.

Emi waved it off. “Bah, I would’ve been fine! Besides, you’re so nice and pretty and you talk to me when I’m lonely and you bake me things when I’m sad. I have to come back or else I’d get sad and who would be there to bake me cupcakes? No one!”

She rolled her eyes with a grin as she opened the door to Emi’s apartment. “Fair enough, now come on, let’s get you to bed.”

Over the next few years, Emi took the words Shouta said to her to heart. She stopped chasing him at long last, and looked in a different direction, which is exactly how she did achieve her dream.

Indeed, she had reached the epitome of happiness, and she stared at herself in the mirror, twirling around in her wedding dress. After years and years of waiting, the day had finally come. Emi had fallen head over heels and nothing could stop the grin on her face on her wedding day. She had never been so happy. Her love had the perfect sparkling eyes, a melodic voice that always made her heart beat ten times faster, and she didn’t think there’d be a day when there wasn’t a full blown fireworks show in her mind when they kissed.

Truly, her plan had come to fruition, and all that was needed was just one, tiny adjustment to it…

Emi walked out into the hallway as she looked at her future wife, already waiting at the altar. (Y/N) was grinning at her, with tears brimming her eyes and Emi knew her own expression was a perfect mirror. It felt like she was floating on a cloud as she took her hands in hers, planting a kiss on her hand before slipping the ring over her finger, and giggling when (Y/N) did the same. Her stomach was filled with butterflies that only stopped when their bond was finally sealed with a soft and loving kiss. Emi pulled away only to hug (Y/N) as tight as could be. “I love you, I love you so much.” Her grin widened as she felt her wife squeeze her tightly, picking her up and laughing before resting her forehead against Emi’s.

“I love you too. Now, I believe we have a honeymoon calling our name.” She winked and Emi whooped as she was picked up bridal style and carried off to a new life.

A life filled with laughter, love and happiness.

Miraculous Ladybug Fic Recs!

I keep going looking for these and realising there aren’t loads so, while this doesn’t fix my problem, hopefully this helps you if you’re looking for some good fics!

For some reason, I’ve had a bit of a thing for longer fics recently so most of these are over 10k. Hopefully, there’s enough of a mix that you can find something you like!

Key

* - unfinished

M - mature

☆ - favourite

Arranged in alphabetical order.

Allez Savoir Pourquoi by Yilena | 30k - M

After seeing her soulmate for years without knowing his identity, Marinette bumps into him at a newly opened cat café. When he confesses that he needs help, she agrees to work for him on a whim. AU.

breathe— by frostedpuffs | 22k

Adrien had always been fond of Marinette. That was a truth he held close to his heart.

When he nearly meets his fate on an otherwise peaceful autumn afternoon, his world is thrown into typhoon of muddled thoughts and vague memories. Though questions burn at his mind as he lies awake, one particular detail stays constant: a familiar face in the crowd that's been by his side every step of the way.

It's a long road to recovery. But with his partner close, what's there to be afraid of?

☆ A Co-meow-dy of Errors by othellia | 31k

While chasing down a thief, an ancient artifact causes Adrien and Alya to swap bodies. Desperate to keep it a secret from Ladybug, the two decide to try and live life as the other until they can re-track down the thief and switch back.

Things... don't exactly go according to plan.

My thoughts: I read this one on the way to school and boy was it hard to keep from smiling while reading it

☆ Chasing the C/h/atwalk by Inkkerfuffle | 112k

Paris. The city of lights, love and fashion. Follow the progress of Marinette Dupain Cheng as she enters the extremely competitive world of Reality television for a chance to be the winner of Project Runway: France.

My thoughts: this one is literally my all-time MLB fanfic. If you’re willing to read a longer one, then this one is definitely definitely worth it!

☆ Cheaters by 11JJ11 | 8.7k

Alya discovers Adrien kissing Ladybug, and she's not happy that he's cheating on her best friend. Adrien knows that he can't reveal his Lady's identity, and he just might have to take the fall– but he's not going down alone.

My thoughts: Now with an extra 2nd part that makes it even better!

Checking Sources by DOMinMatrix | 10k

Marinette is having a rough day when that night, when she's supposed to have a solo patrol, Chat Noir shows up asking a single question: "Have you revealed your identity to anyone, accidentally or otherwise?"

Derrière l’ecran - ENGLISH TRANSLATION by Mindell | 6.6k

Little virtual conversations between Ladybug and Chat Noir, after which Chat Noir was successful in convincing his co-teammate that it would be very practical for them to have the possibility to contact her when they are not transformed into their hero alter-egos. The Internet is there to guarantee anonymity-- something so dear to the heart of the young girl…

☆ Fermeture by KarmaHope | 9.4k

The hardest part of being a superhero is no longer being a superhero. It’s been five years since Marinette last saw Tikki; since she last saw Chat Noir; and she can’t take it anymore. A reunion/reveal fic.

My thoughts: this one almost made me cry but it was also so good. I couldn’t not put it on this list

fierce competition by Bumblewyn | 3.3k

"I have a problem," Ladybug laments as she theatrically drapes herself across one of the Eiffel Tower's support beams.

"What is it?" Chat Noir asks, curiously looking up at her slumped form.

"I think the boy I like has a crush on me."

"Hold on," Chat says, holding up a finger to halt her as he frowns intensely.

They stare at each other in silence for a couple of seconds.

Chat shrugs and drops his finger. "I give up," he declares. "I have no idea how that could possibly be a problem."

"Because he's got a crush on Ladybug! Only on Ladybug!"

My thoughts: I just love their relationship in this. This one is short but sweet

give ‘em pumpkin to talk about by alooxsnaps | 3.8k

“Wow Marinette, great Ladybug costume!”

Alya’s words reverberated in her head like someone kept hitting pause and rewinding the moment over and over again, until sheer, unadulterated panic swallowed her whole.

She wasn’t IN a costume. She was transformed. ...As LADYBUG.

~

Alya throws a Halloween party and chaos ensues.

How To Break Superhero Rules by GayFairyRoyalty | 7k*

What happens when Chloe argues with Marinette?

What happens when Marinette finally loses her cool?

What happens when all of Miss Bustier's class find out Marinette's and Adrien's secrets?

If You Give a Kwami a Cracker by PFTones3482 | 5k+

...it might just end up with your best friend figuring out your secret identity. One shot.

In the Middle of a Very Happy Ending by ProbablyVoldemort | 4.3k

Senior Theme Week is fast approaching. But what happens when there's too many real akumas for Marinette to make her and Adrien's Akuma Day costumes?

☆ Paws Fur Coffee by Zaphirite | 32k

He was so sure that Ladybug would already push him off a rooftop if she knew his civilian identity worked at a café called “Paws Fur Coffee” of all names (the owner is a dog person, but he’ll take it), but his flub on the chalkboard menu just topped it all off.

His neat handwriting read back to him: “Chai Noir”.

(In which Adrien Agreste has some really cool ideas about the special drink of the week and gets to know a regular customer.)

☆ Pick-Up and Chase by SKayLanphear | 30k

After she accidentally trips into Adrien and apologizes about "falling for him," Marinette learns that he's no match for cheesy pick-up lines--whether they were unintended or not. And while she finds it flattering that he turns into a flustered mess with only a few words, Marinette comes to regret making him uncomfortable. That is, until she learns he's Chat Noir. At which point the phrase "just deserts" becomes a permanent fixture in her everyday plans.

A story in which Adrien is flustered, Marinette is smooth as glass at dropping lines, and Chat Noir gets the romance he was always asking for--even if he doesn't quite know how to handle it.

My thoughts: this one was hilarious and had me screaming a couple of times

Poster Boy by Amateum

Ladybug let out a relieved sigh and slumped against the wall surrounding the bed they had landed on. “That was close.” She looked over to where Chat was sat on the other side of the bed.

He glanced around the darkened room, taking in the details. He loved having night vision. “How did you know where the key to the house was?” He asked, turning back to Ladybug.

“Because…” An uncomfortable look crossed her face, followed by resignation. “Because this is my room, Chat.”

“Really?!” He immediately perked up and peered over the edge of the bed to get a better look around. Unfortunately, her lack of night vision doesn’t stop Ladybug from finding his ear-the human one- and using it to yank him back to the top of the bed. “Chaton!”

“Right. Secret identity. Sorry,” he said sheepishly. After a beat he said, “Hey, why do you have a collage of Adrien Agreste pictures?”

Shellter Chat by Bridgetinerabbit | 58k

A peek inside Adrien's school bag gives Nino some very unexpected insight as to what makes his good friend tick, but leaves him in a very delicate position. He never expected to strike a deal with the Kwami of Destruction, but now he and Plagg are working together to relieve some of Adrien's (and Chat Noir's) burdens for his own good. But being Adrien's guardian angel isn't as easy as it seems; other secret identities start falling apart, and there's no telling where the falling dominoes will stop.

Sixty Minutes by mikochan_noda, peonydee | 13k

Alya Césaire, award-winning pursuer of truth, is honored with an intimate interview with Ladybug and Chat Noir. However, she doesn't count on finding out certain things that are making her regret asking in the first place.

☆ spotty connections by agrestenoir | 66k

(1:14 pm) So you never told me how you planned to make Gabriel Agreste cry.

(1:20 pm) Oh my god, how drunk was I last night?!

(1:22 pm) They live.

(1:23 pm) Barely.

(1:24 pm) How do I know you again?

(1:24 pm) I don’t think you do? I’m Wrong Number. You were texting me your New Year’s Resolution earlier.

(1:25 pm) …I’m too hungover to deal with this right now.

(1:26 pm) Well who’s fault is that?

(1:40 pm) …Hello?

(2:01 pm) Well this was fun.

(Marinette sends a text to the wrong number, and things progress from there until it becomes the right one.)

My thoughts: I’m an absolute sucker for texting fics and this one is no exception!

something happened on the way to heaven by dragonsinparis | 5.4k

When the two heroes discover that Hawkmoth is Gabriel Agreste, Chat Noir throws him out the window for everyone to see.

Adrien Agreste comes to live with the Dupain-Chengs.

Chat Noir vanishes.

Marinette is fine.

At first.

Tandem by BullySquadess | 11k

Two students get carried away in a friendly game of dodge ball.... and two other students get very suspicious. Its a double reveal fic!

My thoughts: another guilty pleasure of mine. I love gym reveals and this one was great

Take my Breath Away

A/n: I’m sorry if this is messy. I tried to copy and paste it as quickly as I could to let people without an account on Ao3 continue to read my fanfics since I’ve locked them all over there.

♥ Pairing: Choi San/Jung Wooyoung

♣ Summary: Drabble-ish time stamps following San and Wooyoung’s relationship

♠ Rated: E

♦ Words: 28,739

○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○ ○

They were just teenagers when they met each other for the first time, at the audition for KQ Entertainment new boy group. Both with black awkwardly chopped hair, uneven teeth, thin and a bit gangly. Disproportionated, like teenagers are. San couldn't dance and Wooyoung’s voice was still shaking when he tried to sing. So young that they were still questioning if this was the path that they really wanted to walk down, when the nights were dark and the anxiety that filled their minds even darker. Fighting every morning they woke up, with willpower alone to fulfil their dream. Wooyoung had the experience, newly exchanged from Big Hit entertainment when their plan for him didn’t match his aspirations, and San had the ambition, the voice, visuals and confidence needed for an idol. Wooyoung’s face flushed when he reached out to shake San’s hand and the smile that the other gave him made butterflies flutter happily in his stomach. There was a four-month age difference between them, but San insisted for Wooyoung to drop the honorifics when it automatically slipped through his lips in a middle of a sentence. Wooyoung’s face flushed again, he looked away with a shy smile on his lips and the days passed swiftly. The group was formed, and they worked even harder. Trained together, sang together, ate together, showered together and more often than not, slept in the same bed together. San quickly became the one that Wooyoung went to when things were bothering him, the one he sought out when he needed someone to laugh with, the only one who could match his intensity and energy. The way only they bounced around each other was incomparable with any other member and in the middle of joking around, playing games, working their asses off at every monthly assessment and training until their feet bruise - they truly found each other. San was the mountain that Wooyoung constantly could lean on, the one he needed to be able to stand upright when the management was pressing them harder. In return, Wooyoung was the streaming river that San could draw energy from, ever flowing around him, strong and quick and everything San wanted to become. They became friends when they realized that they were more alike each other than any other member, and soulmates when they finished off each other’s sentences and did most things in sync after only four months, more or less acting like they’d lived together for twenty years. It was unbelievably amazing to have find someone at that young age. Empowering for the soul and absolutely terrifying for the body, because with that age came hormones and emotions - two things that there was no time to even think about and even though neither of them wanted to, they quickly shut down everything they felt. Only allowed it to slip out when they lost themselves in thought and couldn’t help themselves from drawing closer to the other, like there was a thin invisible string that connected their bodies. ---

17:32

San was resting in his bed, cuddling with his many, many plushies while browsing through a comic book, knew perfectly well that he should probably pick up the textbook on Japanese that rested at his side and study instead. He pouted, sighed deeply, considered the consequences for a few seconds before he decided that the comic book isn’t worth the scolding. He was just about to roll over when a familiar figure rounded the corner to his and Yunho’s bedroom. “San-ah, I’m bored” Wooyoung whined loudly and San sat up enough to lean against his arms instead before he rolled his eyes to the expression on the younger’s face. “I’m studying, go away” He said and stuck out his tongue before laying down again. The lie would’ve worked if it wasn’t for the smile that tugged on his lips, a smile that Wooyoung saw just before his friend laid down. He squinted at said friend and closed the distance between them in a few quick strides before he jumped up with one foot on the ladder at the side as an aid, to join his friend on the bed. “Liar” The younger scolded, hit San’s leg with a soft flick of his wrist to make place and moved a few plushies aside before he lied down next to the older, stealing the place from said plushies as the cuddler with one arm and leg thrown over his friends’ body. Eyes dark and big like a fawn’s and something stirs in San’s stomach when he meets them, barely three decimetres from his face. “Entertain me” The younger said shortly, like he was a prince in the 1st century BC and San existed only to please him. San just scoffed and shook his head, broke their gaze and focused it on the textbook in his hands instead. “Entertain yourself Woo, I still gotta study even if I’ve only procrastinated so far” Wooyoung pouted, San saw it in his peripheral, fluttered his eyelashes and said with his sweetest voice. “Pretty, pretty please hyung, I’m so, so bored that I’d let you do anything with me” Something shifted in San’s body. Something raw and ancient and real and so, so bad, that his body froze, and he could feel how he gripped the book tighter when his friend smiled bright. He suddenly felt trapped underneath the youngers limbs. Shook him off and quickly sat up again. Cleared his throat, a bit more awkward than he liked to admit while putting the book aside. “Sure, let’s play a game” Wooyoung doesn’t seem to notice the awkwardness that San felt and sits up as well just as the older turned around, wet his lips and proceed to start a game of Di Bi Di Bi Dib, calmed his racing, confused heart and smiled softly when Wooyoung threw a small adorable tantrum when he lost at the first turn.

11:25

San was singing in the shower and it echoed through the thin walls of their dorm. It made Wooyoung pause the game he was playing, and he furrowed his brows as he tried to make out the words in the American song. He swallowed, sighed and something about the sadness in San’s voice told him that it was a ballad. Maybe about lost love. Maybe about someone who doesn’t love him back. Wooyoung could only understand snippets of it but he still found himself humming along when San sang the chorus again, earned a surprised look from his long-time friend, who sat across from him on the lower bunk bed. “Shut up” The younger whispered under his breath and Yeosang flicked his head, a teasing smile on his lips but he doesn't say anything. Wooyoung wet his lips while he looked back down on the small screen he was holding. Tried to start up the game again, but it was only a façade, because he was listening, wondered why San never sang like this when they were together. Almost shivered because his friend was so talented is kind of scared him... San stopped a few minutes later after he’d repeated the song a couple of times, exited the shower and Wooyoung just caught his figure as he walked past the bedroom, a towel around his hips and hair still wet. Wooyoung swallowed hard, caught Yeosang’s eyes again and the older of the two just shook his head again, a look of disbelief on his face. But he still doesn’t say anything and Wooyoung was thankful when he got back to the game the two were playing.

19:52

Summer. The evening sun painted the sky in an explosion of pastel colours and San’s cheeks were matching the deep red between the bright yellow and the dark blue above the clouds. His hand were holding a friend. His heart were tugging in confusion. “Why did you invite me to join you?” He asked, scared of the answer. Worried that the question was stupid. That friend of his, just four months younger but with twice as much charisma and personality, according to San himself, giggled and the sound of it made him smile back. As if he couldn’t stop himself. “I just wanted to watch the stars with you, silly” San frowned and looked at the lowering sun, knew with experience from watching countless sunsets, that it would be at least another hour until the sky would be covered in stars. “But…” He started, intended to ask why Wooyoung had stubbornly begged him to join him now and not at a better time but his friend didn’t let him. “Don’t ruin my future memory” He said with a stern voice and hushed him with a finger over his lips. A twinkle in those gorgeous eyes of his.

21:46

“You’re cute, you know, that right?” San's voice was hoarse, almost too honest to be comfortable. Wooyoung stifled a giggle behind his hand. Unsure of the certainty of the other’s words. His heart flipped hard and something unfamiliar boiled in his stomach when San looked at him from his place on floor, propped up against the wall in the middle of the hallway that ran through the whole dorm. One eyebrow raised as he looked at Wooyoung with slightly hooded eyes. Lips tugging up in a lopsided smirk and the sudden feeling of butterflies in the youngers stomach was frightening, strange and he seemed to freeze at the spot while watching the older. Felt how those butterflies flew upwards, clogged his throat and made his breath hitch as a hazy alluring mist of what could only be described as attraction poured over him, like a cold shower. He felt his smile faltered slightly when San stuck his tongue out before he brought the bottle of cheap, light beer that he held in a tight grip, back to his lips. “Why are you drinking?” Wooyoung cleared his throat and tried to shake the uncomfortable distressed feelings that clouded his mind but was only met with a shrug. “Why not? It’s Saturday, we’re nineteen. I should be out there, partying with people our age. But…” He frowned and stood up, slowly and steadily while leaning against the wall. Almost knocking out the three already empty bottles at his side. He cleared his throat and paused, as if he lost the dialogue in a train of thought and Wooyoung reached his hand out for his friend to take. “But you don’t have any friends?” He finished with a grin and San squinted at him, debated in his mind if he wanted to get angry or not, decided that it was too much work and grabbed Wooyoung’s warm hand with a scoff. “I have friends… I have you”

13:26

“Why do you always see the best in me?” It was the middle of September and just weeks until their debut. Wooyoung’s hair was a beautiful violet and now at the moment, when the Moroccan sun was at its highest, he looked just like San had always envisioned an angel to look like. “Of course, I always see the best in you, why wouldn’t I?” Wooyoung asked confused, maybe even a bit hurt. Frowned as he ate his lunch underneath the tenth that protected them from direct sunlight. San felt his cheeks heat up, pursed his lips in thought at where exactly he wanted the sentence that just slipped out of his mouth to go. Sometimes, like now, for instance, he didn’t think before he spoke and at the moment, he didn’t know what to say to his defence. “I mean…” He paused again, drank some water to buy more time and fiddled with the cap while he continued. “I mean… how can you see so much good when there’s so much bad?” He asked and ducked his head to inspect his shoes instead, worried that Wooyoung, his friend, his best friend, would just scoff and walk away. “San-ah… you don’t mean that?” He was pouting and a deep sigh escaped his lips when San nodded, quietly. Happy that the tenth they stood under was empty for the time being or he would’ve died with shame. Without a warning, Wooyoung’s arms were wrapped around his frame. Hugging him tight. Like he never ever planned on letting him go. “You are so good that there isn’t one ounce of bad in you. Don’t say such things about yourself” He sounded so sincere that San could almost believe the words he spoke. That he was good, as a person and at what he was doing. Too bad that familiar voice in the back of head reminded him that it wasn’t the case. It wasn’t the case at all.

16:12

“Have you ever wished that you could rewind something?” Wooyoung asked, resting on his back on the sofa. His head in San’s lap. Both of them watching TV just before going to bed a few days after their debut. San thought back on the past days, the rush that still ran through their veins. The hope and dream they’d been holding on to for so long finally realized. “Yeah…” He said back, thoughtfully, fingers playing with the washed out, now lilac, soft hair of the other and tried to block out how amazingly perfect it sounded when Wooyoung’s breath hitched as he softly pulled on the strands.

11:13

“Does this shirt look ugly on me?” San’s voice was unsure and he clicked his tongue, unsatisfied when he checked his figure from every possible angle in the mirror, tucked it into his pants, untucked it again. His motions quick and frustrated. Wooyoung looked up from the twitter feed on his phone, glanced over at his best friend over the edge of his glasses from his half sitting position on the bed on the opposite side of the room. San met his eyes in the mirror. His jaw was clenched. He expected an answer. But Wooyoung’s mouth went dry when he locks gaze with those intense dark eyes. He bit his cheek, swallowed hard, quickly collect some courage and was just on the verge of answering when San exhaled a sigh, looked away, tucked the shirt into his pants again and exited the bedroom without another word.

18:46

A few days after Christmas and Wooyoung inspected himself in the bathroom mirror, his fingertips pressed hard underneath his chin bones to make the edge of his jawline even more prominent. Did he gain weight again? His thoughts were interrupted. “Youngie?” A happy voice he recognized so well resonated in his being and he quickly let his arms fall back to his sides again. “What are you doing?” The voice was worried, scared of the answer it already knew. Wooyoung looked over at San, the source of said voice. Met his frown, the way his eyebrows wrinkled, the sadness in his smile and wished so hard that he knew what to do to turn that smile into a happy one again. But he didn’t know what to do. Didn't know what to say to defend the dark thoughts that daily echoed inside his head. The ones that flooded his bloodstream like thick black tar. Forced himself not to scratch at his own skin when the feeling spread and walked past his friend, who stood aside, silent but reluctant. Keeping his hands in the pockets of his sweatshirt to stop himself from accidentally reaching out.

22:08

Seoul were cold in the winters and that big dorm of theirs heated up slowly on especially cold days. They had good radiators, but the windows were poorly isolated and the chill from a constant breeze of cold wind was just on the edge of being bearable. Wooyoung sat huddled with his members on the sofa, everyone cuddled under two shared duvets, some with a hot mug of tea in hand, and an action movie on the tv. Their leader and youngest were fast asleep already, his long-time friend rested on one shoulder, holding onto the arm that wasn’t occupied with the lifesaving hot beverage. The oldest of the bunch snuggled up on the other side of said long-time friend, holding onto him and salvaging the rare time of not being rejected. A familiar, special other friend leaned against his other side, nestled against his frame, with his head resting on his shoulder so that Wooyoung’s arm was free to occasionally bring the mug to his lips. That black hair with faded red streaks of his tickled against his chin and he would’ve minded, ticklish as he was, if it wasn’t for the fact that he only had to inhale and that wonderful smell that was just him, just San, entered his body. Rushed through him like a drug and he brought the hot mug of tea to his lips again to suppress the deep contented sighs that threatened to escape his lips.

01:00

That same night and San was sitting on the windowsill in the bedroom he shared with Yunho. Watched as the snowflakes covered the landscape outside. Some of them got stuck against the frame of the window and he poked the glass with an almost childlike fascination, like he’d be able to touch the small masterpiece with his fingertip. Yunho muttered, drowsy and half asleep, that he should go to bed since they had to be up early that morning and San knew it was true. Knew that he’d be tired as hell when his alarm would ring in a few hours. But he wasn’t tired. He kept repeating that moment in his head, like a silent movie, as it went faster and faster and made him dizzy. Of Wooyoung’s breathing against his ear. The rise and fall of his chest against his back. The gulping noise he’d made when he swallowed his tea. The way he’d sighed against the back of his neck. The way San had to bite down on his lower lip to stop the nasty, filthy thoughts that entered his mind like a foggy smoke, painting up vivid pictures of that sweet sigh in a different situation. The way that strong chest would rise and fall underneath his fingertips, with the younger placed in his lap. San would try his utmost to be quiet, to not drench out those wonderful noises the other would make with his own moaning.

21:06

Minutes after the concert was over. They were warm, sweaty from dancing and singing their hearts out. Proud to have finished yet another performance. Proud of their fans still screaming their names. Proud of themselves. Proud of each other. “Sannie, you have confetti in your hair” Wooyoung’s voice was light when he spoke, almost like he was still singing. His touch was soft, barely noticeable as he removed the paper from its place between the black and red locks. San wet his lips, mouth dry from singing and the way the younger smiled at him afterward. Placed the paper in a nearby trash bin so that staff doesn’t have to clean up after him. San gulped and murmured a “Thanks” before he looked away again. Scared that his heartbeats are just as loud as he can hear in his own ears. Scared that Wooyoung will notice that the redness that just appeared in his face wasn’t there when they got off the stage. Scared that the feeling of tiny fireworks exploding in the pit of his stomach was going to make him puke.

23:57

“I’m not used to this yet” Wooyoung met the eyes of the other, the small insecure smile on his lips when they folded up the bedsheets and prepared to go to bed. He seemed to regret the words he just said, his lips pursed as he looked away, flustered. “Not used to what?” The younger of the two asked. That too familiar, deep, twisted voice that scratched on the back of his head said that he’d done something wrong and now his friend had changed his mind about being his roommate for the night. Changed his mind about wanting to be close to him. “This hotel life… I’m not used to it” “Oh” He didn’t know what to say. Cringed hard on the inside for the stupid thoughts that’d been planted in his mind. Unsure if San just wanted to vent, if he wanted Wooyoung to agree with him, or if he wanted him to ask some kind of follow up question. “Sorry. I… I really shouldn’t complain, right?” San chuckled. But it sounded forced since the situation wasn’t funny and the blush that followed was even more painful than the sigh he let out when the atmosphere quickly turned awkward. “You can sleep in my bed if you want” Wooyoung wanted to slap himself when San looked up again and met his eyes with a small frown. “I… I mean, we can share… if you want. I really don’t mind. Not with you” He clenched his jaw. Cursed himself with the knowledge that he only dug himself further down into a grave he wouldn’t be able to climb out off. “Sure. I could use the company. But Shiber is joining as well” San said and the smile on his face was as bright as the sun, automatically making the other of the two smiles back. Unable to stop himself from sighing with relief. The older killed the lights, the dog plushie in a tight grip against his chest when he joined his friend underneath the covers. Their legs tangled together, and San lazily placed his arm around Wooyoung, and they quickly fell into a position they knew they both liked. Wooyoung with his head on San’s arm, nuzzling his nose into the swell of his shoulder and San’s hand automatically went up to play with Wooyoung’s hair in the back of his neck. Both acted like sleeping next to each other wasn’t natural to them, except it really was, they had shared bed countless times. With each other, with the other members. They pretended that it wasn’t, because they wanted to be stronger than they were. But they knew that they needed it, knew that they needed each other. Right now, in the dead of the night as much as any other time. When it was cold and when they needed comfort. In the past when the pressure of debuting and hardship of training became too much and the whole world was too dark and the heat from someone else, pressed with their face against soft skin with muscles that was already strong from years of training, was the only thing that could block it all out.

00:19

Wooyoung laid in his bed. Quietly watched the ceiling above him while Yeosang restlessly moved around in the bed underneath his, eventually found a comfortable position and finally fell asleep. But he, himself, couldn’t sleep. Couldn’t find the way to the comforting place he usually went when it was time to rest. His mind repeated the same memory for probably the hundredth time again, even though it was a few hours ago, he still closed his eyes and felt how his heart skipped a beat. They’d celebrated their first comeback with champagne that might have been a bit too strong and tasted nothing like he’d expected champagne to taste. They’d been laughing, dancing, singing along to their own music, played from the speakers of Wooyoung’s phone, until eventually, one member after another had gone to their rooms. Happiness still rushing through them, but their busy schedule in combination of getting slightly tipsy allowed drowsy sleepiness to overtake them quickly. The way San’s eyes were slightly hooded as he embraced him. Wrapping his arms around his body and invited him to dance closer. That certain way that only he could smile and Wooyoung was unsure if it was the dangerous sparkle in the other’s eyes or the fizzing drink that made him feel like he was stumbling on clouds. They held each other close, all alone, while swaying back and forth to the music that was still playing. “I wish I could stay with you like this forever” Something sincere and serious shadowed his face, overtaking the teasing tugging in those devilish lips of the older and Wooyoung giggled, looked away and felt how the tips of his ears heated up, thinking that San was only joking around. “Forever is a long time” He said and closed his eyes to just feel when his favourite part of the song came. Felt how San’s body pressed up against his. Felt how he lightly parted Wooyoung’s thighs with his leg to get even closer. Felt how the alcohol buzzed in his blood, pulsating through his body. Felt how he seemed to move without thinking, to the rhythm of the music and lost himself in the mindless pleasure of just existing without any trouble on his mind. Felt how San arched his body back while he held him in a secure grip, with his arms locked around his waist. Felt how San’s soft lips pressed on that big artery just underneath his ear. Felt how those lips pressed another kiss underneath his jaw, how he breathed out a small gasp of hot air on the same spot. Felt how amazingly good those lips on his skin felt. Shuddered as he remembered how many times, he’d wished those lips to just press onto his. “Sorry” A hushed whisper broke the magic between them, and San gave him a pained expression before he turned on his heel. Wooyoung was left alone on the living room. The last verse of “Light” was playing and he swallowed hard. His heart were rushing, head spinning and the arousal that had started to build up in his body made him breathless. He stroked the small spot on his neck that still seemed to burn. Bit down on his tongue to suppress a choked sigh.

15:36

The end of January and Wooyoung’s hair was blonde. San gulped when he met the other’s eyes as he got back to the dorm, hair still smelling strongly of the floral shampoo used to cover the smell of burning bleach and he couldn’t stop himself from reaching out and twirl a lock of hair around his finger. Impressed with the softness of it. The hairdressers were some of the best ones. “Do you like it? It’s only temporary” Wooyoung spoke with a pout and San bit his lower lip, stopping the word-vomit of compliments that threatened to escape. “They could literally put any colour on your hair, and you’d look good, Young-ie” San clenched his jaw when the other’s brows furrowed slightly. He got worried for a second, that the small endorsement was too much, until Wooyoung broke out into a big grin, closed the small space between them and hugged his friend hard. A breath hitched in San’s throat from the impact and he wet his lips nervously, the blossoming feeling of the others body against him still made him feel dizzy.

02:09

San had always been a hugger. He craved the attention, the feeling of a warm body against his own. Sometimes, especially on the road while travelling from city to city in their home country, when he couldn’t sleep, he would roll out of bed and crawl under the covers of another member. They usually gave him a disgruntled groan but let join as he held onto their arm to ease the comfort he needed. The only one who didn’t push him away, who just as often sought out the warmth he craved as well, The only one who always turned around to greet him and took a deep content sigh as if he too, could breathe properly again, The only one who placed his arms around him and hugged him just as tight - was Wooyoung. “Sorry” San whispered into the soft hair of the other, apologizing that he woke him up. But his friend only shook his head, stretched his lean body and pressed up against San like a satisfied cat. Pulled him closer with a firm hand on his back. The thin material of his pyjama pants didn’t leave much for imagination and the older of the two clenched his jaw when he felt every outline of the others body against his own. He gulped hard, felt how his breath hitched in his throat but Wooyoung was fast asleep again, his steady breathing, the small puffs of air against the nape of San’s neck left him aching, needy as he laid on his back. Feeling himself growing harder with every passing moment of agonising fantasies that played like a movie on the lens of his eye.

23:04

“I’m so lucky to have you” Wooyoung spoke before he could stop himself. Stopping the other’s movements just before he stuffed his mouth full of food again. He cleared his throat, and San met his eyes where he sat opposite of him. A small table of room service food between them. They’re in a hotel room, exhausted but happy from meeting their fans all day. Sharing a room for the night, both their hearts singing as soon as they got the key cards with matching numbers. “Sorry” Wooyoung said, quietly, embarrassed from speaking his mind so nonchalantly. San wet his lips, swallowed as if he wanted to collect his thoughts before he placed the chopsticks next to his plate. “I’m lucky to have you too” He said and felt how his cheeks flushed red from the confession. “You’re my best friend, Youngie-ah. I wouldn’t change that for anything in the world” San reached for the glass of soda in front of him. Gave him that beautiful smile that reached his eyes and Wooyoung felt his heart pick up in pace. He wanted to say something. Wanted to admit that maybe being friends wasn’t enough anymore. That there’s a part of him that craved more than warm, tight hugs. Needed more of the way that San always nuzzled his nose into his hair when he thought that the younger wouldn’t notice. Wanted to do more than just cuddle each other when the night was quiet, and darkness consumed their bodies. A part of him that he had to push down every breathing moment. A part of him that lusts for the other, for his body, his mind, the way he talked and laughed and made Wooyoung feel like he’s the only one that mattered. A part of him that knew that he needed San so much that it was suffocating him. Because when they were together and the other looked at him like he looked at him right now, Wooyoung’s demons disappeared and he finally found the courage to tell the snarly voice in his mind, the one that keeps telling him that he’ll never be good enough, to shut up.

11:18

Watching Wooyoung through their first world tour quickly turned into a small hobby. The way he moved, talked, laughed. The way he looked when he slept next to San, on stage, in the early morning when they arrived at another hotel. The way San could only imagine he’d look when he was so lost in pleasure that he couldn’t talk... he could never admit just how much he admired him. How badly he wanted to be considered an equal in the younger’s eyes. It was embarrassing. The fact that he could just… lose himself in thought when Wooyoung was around. Lose himself as he stole glances when the other practised dancing. Letting his imagination run free. Fantasising when they’d be alone to just close the distance between them. To hold and take. To claim and please until Wooyoung would be the only thing echoing inside the dark sulphur filled blackness of his mind. He’d excuse himself when it all became too much. Like right now, for instance, when the other warmed up, showing off just how much he could stretch his body, moving and feeling himself to the most shameless playlist San has ever heard. Locking himself into the nearest bathroom, already breathless as he closed his trembling hand around his cock. Grabbing the sink with the other to stabilise himself as he jerk himself off with fast hard movements. Eyes fluttering shut as his head fell back and he’s back in the room a few doors over. He imagines himself kissing those plump lips of the others, nibbling on his lower lip as his hands roam a body he knows almost as well as his own by now. The way Wooyoung would sound when he’d close his hand around his cock, the way he’d be dripping with pre-cum already. San would drop to his knees. Would do anything to just get a taste of him, to just get a chance to satisfy. His best friend’s name is falling off his lips as he came hard into his hand, face contorting and biting down hard on his lip to prevent a loud gasp from slipping out.

19:24

San’s hair in soft between Wooyoung’s fingers as he combed through it. The older sat on the floor underneath the sofa, between Wooyoung’s open legs, watching a rerun of an old series on the hotel room TV. It was in English and Wooyoung pursed his lips in thought when he didn’t understand most things they were saying. There wasn’t a Korean subtitle alternative either but neither of them really minded much. It was late. They had just finished dinner, eating in the solitude of their hotel room, like so many other times and chatted about the American tour so far. Joked around and played games with each other, like they usually did. The black and red of the older’s hair quickly turned more interesting though, when the plot of the series didn’t make any sense. Wooyoung wet his lips when San let out a small gasp of satisfaction as he lightly scratched the scalp, combed the hair back from the top of his forehead to the longer strands at the back. “Am I doing good?” The younger asked, half out of curiosity and half because a dark part of him was getting unbearable turned on, unbelievably fast by the small sharp gasps and groans that continue to slip from San’s lips. “Uhu, so good” San flat out moans, unable to stop himself when his friends skilled hands pulled his hair back again, harder this time, almost snapping his head back before they move down his neck and shoulders. An all too familiar feeling of arousal washed over Wooyoung like a cold shower and he’s already half hard when he stops, just before it gets too much, thankful of the big hoodie he was wearing.

07:52

It was between the America, and Europe tour and they were back in Korea for a few days. To get back at their feet and recap what and what not to do the second time around. Wooyoung sighed loudly and fell face first into the mattress of his bed. He inhaled deeply, appreciate off the smell from their own washing detergent and the familiarity of the walls of their dorm surrounding them. Yeosang immediately went to join Seonghwa at the washer, sorting out his clothes just outside the small room at the end of the corridor. Wooyoung stayed where he was, though, face down until he heard a small gasp and then the sudden clearing of a throat. “Sorry, I…” Wooyoung turned his face to the door, meeting San’s eyes, who’s face flushed and quickly looked broke the gaze between them again, rubbing his neck in a motion that only enlighten his awkward expression before he raised his sight again, as if he couldn’t help himself but to watch. Wooyoung knew that he was in a compromising position, with his arms at his sides and thrown over the edge of his bed, those skinny jeans of his hugged his form perfectly and would it be anyone else at his door, he’d probably stand up and ask them to leave. But San wasn’t anyone and Wooyoung would be lying if he’d say that he didn’t just enjoy, but absolutely revelled in the sweet glance the other gave him. It made his mouth go dry and he suppressed the want to arch his back and make the swell of his ass even more prominent. San clenched his jaw, gulped and bit his lip, loss for words when Wooyoung didn’t move, didn’t even look away from the burning gaze he gave him and most importantly, actually began (unconsciously of course because he wouldn’t be so wicked that he did it with intent?) swinging his hips back and forth, so slightly that it was barely noticeable. But San noticed, and so did the cock in his pants. Wooyoung inhaled deeply, his gaze flicked down to the other’s crotch and he quickly felt how his own pants suddenly got much more uncomfortable when a more and more noticeable bulge started to form in his friend’s tight pants. “Youngie-ah” The older of the two whispered and the pet name made Wooyoung shiver. They were interrupted, of course they were, and Hongjoong’s voice echoed through the dorm, collecting all his members to a family meeting before lunch. “Sorry” Hurried steps, a door slamming shut and the sound of a shower running made Wooyoung sigh and he sank back at the floor, dazed from what had just happened, feeling defeated and so horny he wanted to just crawl under the covers and ignore the whole world for the rest of the day.

22:46

April. Berlin. A city they’d never dreamed of being able to go to just a year ago, just like all the other cities on the European part of the tour. They were in Wooyoung’s hotel room, which he this time, shared with Jongho. They were joking around, playing games with each other, giggling. Still high from the concert a few hours ago. The Vlive was planned since yesterday and San pressed the record button the moment Jongho closed the door to the bathroom. Their energy doesn’t waver as the minutes pass, still dancing around each other with comments, compliments, exchanging looks from underneath their fringes in such rapid movements that it seemed like they were flirting. San had to look away every now and then, feeling how his heart pumped hard in his chest, and how the sharp inhales he took shook slightly when he smelled a whiff of the hotel shampoo mixed with the scent that was just Wooyoung as he leaned forward over the phone they had to be able to read the comments. Wooyoung’s frame against his when the younger hit him with his whole body, jokingly and with a teasing chuckle in his throat as they began playing a word game. Wooyoung’s laughter ringing in his ears and making him gulp down the feelings that blossomed in his chest. Wooyoung’s touch as he held his hand underneath the camera angle. Wooyoung in those gym shorts and that tee. The smell of his cologne when he got too close yet not close enough. Wooyoung. Wooyoung. Wooyoung.

08:09

They were back in Korea. The city had changed. Cherry blossoms adorned the trees and the chill that’d been in the air when they left had disappeared. Wooyoung took a deep breath when they got out of the cars, his luggage heavy and filled with at least 80% dirty clothes that immediately had to be washed. His gaze lingered on San, as it always seemed to do when his thoughts wandered and it’s as the other can feel Wooyoung’s eyes on him because he suddenly looks up, meets his eyes and breaks out in a big smile, the dimples in his cheeks makes the younger of the two choke on his breath slightly as he quickly looks away again. Their dorm is just as they left it, the smell of it more prominent now when they haven’t been there for so long. Wooyoung took in the safe familiarity of it with long inhales through his nose. Of them and their stuff. Of home. It’s like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he suddenly felt how tired he actually was. For a minute Wooyoung doesn’t care about the large bag filled with clothes that had travelled the world with him, he left it in the hallway and threw himself over the backrest of their couch, closed his eyes and breathed in deeply, happy but exhausted. A familiar body joins him within seconds, he knows who it is without having to open his eyes and just groans slightly as he props a pillow under his head and lays down more properly on his back to make place. The person on top of him mirrors the way he moves, lined their body up with his and he was just about to complain about the sudden shift in weight when he gets tightly embraced. A comforting nuzzle underneath his jawline shuts him up completely. “You know, it’d be much more comfortable if you’d just separated your legs” San’s voice is low and dangerously husky in his ear and Wooyoung had to bite down hard on his tongue to keep himself from shivering with satisfaction as that tone of that voice made him want to walk down a sweet path he shouldn’t walk on when he was in their living room, surrounded by his members and with the source of the voice on top of him. He scoffed and still refused to open his eyes. He could feel San’s breath on the lower part of his face. Knew how close he was. Knew that he’d do something stupid, like kiss him, if they’d lock gaze. He swallowed hard, sighed and rolled his eyes with an overdramatic flick of his head so that San understood what he was doing even if he couldn’t see his eyes, before he separated his legs and let his best friend sink in between them. … It was more comfortable than he expected it to be. The weight of San against his body, the way he was pressed against his stomach. The way Wooyoung knew, he could nearly sense it, that San watched him, chin rested on his knuckles, hands splayed across Wooyoung’s chest, fingers restlessly drumming. It was sweet though, with the intimate radiation they received from each other as they just lay there, just sharing a moment of tired but content joy. That was until San shifted slightly as he wanted to get even closer when the steps around them died out and the members went into their separate rooms. He jerked his hips forward slightly to edge himself further up. It was an innocent action, it really was. Meant to only ease the weight Wooyoung already had on him but to the younger, the effect was the opposite as a shiver ran down his back, making him involuntarily arch it, just a little and his breath hitched in his throat. He suddenly felt trapped, and more importantly, the sudden new pressure on his crotch didn’t help the arousal that flooded there. He choked down a small groan, tried to think about anything else than the amazing feeling of San’s hips against his inner thighs. The feeling of him pressing down on him just right in those soft pants he wore. “Wooyoungie?” San asked with surprise in his voice and wiggled slightly, very carefully, just to make sure that he didn’t mistake what he felt. Wooyoung pinched the bridge of his nose in shame, felt how his cheeks redden and gulped hard. There wasn’t a point in trying to escape. If he did so, San would see what he already felt anyway. Instead he just sighed and finally opened his eyes. It was his best friend he was talking to; he could at least look him in the eyes when he lied to him. San tilted his head, eyes dark and curious and Wooyoung combed his hair back with a frustrated motion, felt how his heart tick hard in his chest. How it picked up in speed when San licked his lower lip into his mouth, a nervous reaction but still with that look in his eyes that triggered an immediate flight or fight reaction in Wooyoung’s body. He forced himself to stand his ground. Knew that the other could probably feel the heartbeats as well. “It’s been long… you know. Touring and the stress and everything. I just haven’t taken the time to properly…” He drifted off. So embarrassed that he wanted to roll out of the sofa and jump out through the large window at his right. Telling a white lie was bad enough. Telling a white lie to your best friend, who was the reason why you couldn’t speak the truth was ever worse. That he hadn’t masturbated at all on tour was the biggest lie. He had, with said best friend in mind, in more moments than he could remember. Roaming one hand over his chest and closed the other around his cock, wishing, daydreaming to his heart's content, that his hands would be replaced with San’s one day. “Yeah… I know that feeling” San placed his hands on either side of Wooyoung’s face instead, raised himself up and leaned over the other. Tilting his head to the side again, and that long fringe of his shadowed his eyes slightly. Wooyoung could’ve sworn that they looked darker than before. “How?” He forced himself to ask. Heard how his voice sounded weak and pathetic and regretted it the second the question slipped out but knew he had to go through with it when a small wrinkle of confusion appeared between San’s brows. “I… I mean… I know that it’s tough to get in the mood on your own sometimes, but we had a concert every other day. You could’ve picked any of the girls in the crowd. I bet they’d do anything you’d wished for and more” He swallowed hard, praying even harder that San didn’t hear the small break in his voice when he mentioned the fact that he wasn’t the only one racing for his heart. The older of the two chuckled, but it was filled with anything else than joy, before he sat up again, broke their gaze, sighed heavily and shook his head. Wooyoung’s right leg fell off the sofa when there was a shift in weight to lazily rest on the side instead and he felt exposed, with his legs still separated, San in between them, looking perfect as always and not at all like he hadn’t just arrived home after travelling for the past thirty-six hours. “I could’ve. You could’ve as well, you know. Personally…” San flicked his head in a quick tilting motion. Anxiously. Making his hair bounce with the movement and he looked down on his hands, which rested on his folded knees, before he brought them up to cross over his chest. To protect himself from the truth he was just about to spill. “Personally… I’m less of a girl and more of a guy kind of person” He concluded and Wooyoung frowned as a deafening silence fell between them, not realising what San had meant until the older had awkwardly cleared his throat, stood up and left him without another word.

20:50

The beginning of May. The beginning of summer. But while nature started to wake up, San felt like he was still sleeping. He cursed himself. Cursed the stupid feelings that bloomed in his chest, competing with the small pink cosmic flowers in the flowerbed outside their dorm. He scoffed, pouted and wanted to kick them but Wooyoung was tugging on his hand before the thought was put into action. “Sannie-ssi, let’s go” He swallowed hard and met his best friends’ eyes. The laughter in them. The way he combed his long fringe out of his forehead, like he usually did to calm his fidgety hands. The way he tugged on San’s hand again, completely obvious with how hard he tugged on San’s heartstrings as well. The short ride to the amusement park was spent in comfortable silence. Their manager had promised them one hour just after the place had closed down. As a carrot for them to work hard with the new comeback, which were right around the corner. Wooyoung’s hand found his again as soon as they had exited the cars and he dragged the older along to the first ride. San were scared but just as excited when the roller coaster car dropped and he put his hands in the air, the friend he was still holding onto followed and the laughter that bubbled from said friend send San’s mind and heart into a pink endorphin filled frenzy. He couldn’t help but laugh back, holding onto Wooyoung even tighter. The squeeze of his hand that followed squeezed his heart just as much and he was breathless when they ran to the next ride. 45 minutes passed quickly, and San’s hand had been empty for two minutes, one minute each as they had a bathroom break and then had to wash their hands from traces of cotton candy. “Let’s finish off with that one, San-ah” Wooyoung giggled behind his hand and San looked over where the younger was pointing, expecting another crazy roller coaster. But it was anything, but a wild ride and he paused for a second, almost stumbled over his step but didn’t say a word as the park worker made sure that the door was properly closed behind them. The small box they were in had shaded glasses and San quickly put his hands on his knees rather than the fabric of the red, soft sofa he sat on, guessing that more things had happened in the box than just watching the scenery that slowly but steadily opened up before them as the Ferris wheel started spinning. There was music in the background, soft and barely noticeable, with a piano and some strings, probably to set the mood and San wet his lips nervously when he watched his best friend. The way his mouth fell open with wonder as they got higher and higher. The nervous giggle that fell from his lips when he saw how far up, they were. The moment was something special and San leaned back as he watched with a small smile on his lips, the mood between them was as it usually was. Pleasant and simple. Like a lightweight dream. But the silence was suffocating him, and he needed to say something, anything to make sure that his feeling was correct, and nothing had changed over the last few two weeks. “Wooyoungie” San said finally. His friend turned towards him, that bright smile of his faltered slightly when he recognized the seriousness in the tone of the other and he sat back properly against the backrest so that San was straight in front of him. Their knees touched in the tight space. Their hands longed to reach out to each other. “I…” “You don’t have to worry. I won’t tell anyone, your secret is safe with me and I still love you just as much as before... in a… totally, very platonic way of course” Wooyoung interrupted before San could speak another word and he could only nod, dumbfounded by the way the younger smiled afterwards. A bit surprised, but still not really that Wooyoung already knew what was on his mind. The way their hands quickly found each other again. The way he tried to concentrate on the scenery outside, with Seoul in full bloom below, the sun shining through the glass window at the side of them and how lucky they were to be there, all alone in a closed down amusement park. But even though the scenery was nice and how that luck of theirs would shine even brighter on them in the future - Wooyoung was more beautiful than anything San had even seen before and he didn’t just felt luck, he felt thankful as the other squeezed his hand again after changing sofa to sit beside him instead. Leaned up against him as they went around in the Ferris wheel. The smell of Wooyoung’s cologne as San placed his arms around his body, nuzzling his nose in the younger’s hair. Felt how his heart fluttered and throat clog shut when Wooyoung turned his head and he received a look from underneath dark, long eyelashes. San was sure that if heaven would be anything like this, he could’ve died happy in that moment to make it last forever.

12:07

The dorm was quiet for once. Wooyoung was on his phone and the silence between his and the room San shared with Yunho competed with the empty loneliness, the need for his friend that already echoed in his heart, bringing chaos to his mind. He locked the screen of his phone, closed his eyes for a few seconds and sat up, determined to find something to do. Four of the other members were out doing god knows what, which only left Jongho, Mingi, San and himself in the dorm. Or well… scratch that. Jongho was probably out as well. He just had a habit of not saying goodbye before he left. Wooyoung stretched his arms over his head, scrunched his eyes shut when his vision blurred slightly and did a little body shake to shake life in his sleepy limbs before he ventured out of his room, walked down the corridor towards the kitchen and rounds the doorpost of the room that he almost spend more time in than his own. San looks up from his laptop, pulls out his headphones and gave Wooyoung a soft smile from the top bunker. The younger waste no time and immediately climbs the ladder up to join him just as his friend closed down whatever he was doing and set aside the laptop, still with the same comforting smile on his lips. Wooyoung is mindful of the height they were on but still tackled the older as soon as he was in bed and the sound of San’s surprised laughter makes the empty chaos in his head disappear like fine dust in the wind. They settle down comfortable, San on his back with Wooyoung half on top of him, clutching his arm with a leg thrown over his waist. Both hearts were beating in unison, their breath synced up without either of them knowing and they just lay there for a minute or two, with San softly brushing through the younger’s hair and Wooyoung himself nuzzled his nose in the splattered freckles in the nape of San’s neck. He swallowed hard, inhaled even harder and felt how the smell of the other fills his body with butterflies. His heart clutched and it’s like he moved on his own, like he couldn’t stop the side of him that craved more. The press of his lips against those freckles makes him woozy, San’s breath hitched in his throat and Wooyoung does it again, and again, and again. There wasn’t a rush to get on with something else. Even though Wooyoung wanted nothing else than just straddle his best friends hips now and ride him until he forgot his own name. “Youngie-ah” San’s voice was raspy, and he choked on the words slightly. Like he fought to keep his voice as normal as he could. “Stop, please” He begged and Wooyoung separated himself from the older quickly, scared to death that he’d passed a line that shouldn’t have been passed. Scared that San would tell him off and that he’d ruined their friendship completely. He removed his leg from across the others waist, accidently brushed it against a rock-hard cock and it was as if his own brain just shut down completely. He felt how the butterflies that had only simmered in his body up to that point, exploded with the power of fireworks and it was as if his arousal punched him in the stomach. San turned his head towards him, faces just centimetres apart and Wooyoung inhaled sharply from the black wildfire that burned in his eyes. He knew that his friend could feel him, they were still very much pressing up against each other and he gulped when San’s hand brushed against his inner thigh. The latter’s breath hitched again as he felt the hot throbbing bulge there. “Sorry” Wooyoung whispered, shameful that he’d put San in an embarrassing situation, that he’d felt the effect he had on Wooyoung himself. “I’m scared that I’ll do something I regret if you don’t leave” San whispered back, his fingers ghosting over the hair in the back of the others head again and Wooyoung shuddered, involuntary arched his back to the addicting warmth that spread through him. San tensed his jaw from the feeling of his friend’s hard cock pressing on his thigh, contained the need to move his other hand a decimetre to the right and palm the younger through the sweat’s he was wearing. “Do what?” Wooyoung breathed against his face and San closed his eyes, gulped and shook his head, his hand travel over the others stomach before he placed it between them instead, softly pushed on Wooyoung’s chest. “Please, just go” The younger sighed and his heart dropped to the bottom of his stomach, but he didn’t argue. Didn’t want to make the whole situation worse than it already was and sat up, jumped down the bed and gave San one final glance before he walked out the room.

00:05

Kcon, Japan. Midnight and they were finally back at the hotel. San splashed his face with cold water and gasped slightly from the tingling shock of it. He’d just taken a hot shower, completely lost himself in the pleasure of feeling the sweat, the anxious feelings and stress from the show wash off him. Thought back on everything that had gone wrong but also everything that had gone right. Smiled to himself. Thought back on how good he knew he looked, and involuntarily, thought back on how good Wooyoung had looked as well. The black of his hair against the black of his suit. How the red on their accessories mixed in perfectly with the look. The green splotches in the lenses that hid the natural brown in his eyes. The warmth in the way he’d smiled when San complimented his performance after the show. The safe familiarity of his body against his when San placed an arm around his shoulder, pulling him closer. He sighed, moved his hands over his body and turned his face up against the shower head. Remembered how Wooyoung had looked when they started to undress, with his face flushed and red dress shirt unbuttoned, still tucked into his black slacks. The water dribbled on San’s body, through the dark hairs that covered it. Fingertips brushed against the muscles on his stomach, against hard nipples. He felt a sudden shudder of pure enticement and lust running down his spine. Gasped out as he realized what he was doing, turned off the shower immediately and exited the shower before he’d become too lost in himself. Violently shook his head to remove the thought of his best friend. Tried to forget the look in his eyes when they met after removing the first layer of clothes, both gulping at the same time and quickly looked away when they noticed the other staring. Splashed his face again. Removed the last traces of make-up. Dried himself up, did his evening routine before he put out the lights in the bathroom, softly humming to himself. He walked out, mindful of the glass window that still wasn’t covered by a curtain. Rounded the corner to the rest of the room and then almost had a heart attack, stumbled slightly and mentally thanked himself for still wearing the towel when he saw that his bed was already occupied. He took a deep breath, tried to calm his racing heart and asked with a slightly scolding voice, amusement hidden between the layers of the words. “How did you get here?” Wooyoung glanced up from his phone, his chin hidden in the hoodie he was wearing. The tips of his hair still wet from a shower he must have taken recently. He’d thankfully taken off his shoes, feet bare against the white covers on the bed. Mouth falling open slightly as he stared at the drops still running down his friends naked upper body. San stood just as frozen when he noticed the others stare, still holding the towel in a death grip, his phone in his other hand and it was as if time stopped around them in a good 20 seconds before the older of the two spoke up again, cleared his throat rather awkwardly. Wooyoung’s face was covered in a precious pink and he was sure that the other was just as surprised but frustratedly turned on as he was. “Wooyoungie, why are you here?” San rephrased the question and the other seemed to break out of the trance he was in, looked up from his body to meet San’s eyes and opened his mouth to answer. “I uh… I switched with Mingi” He answered and gulped before he teared his eyes of San completely. Mouth dry and body squirming. San considered dropping the towel completely there and then, bit back a small smirk when he thought about the reaction he’d earn, but still decided against it. Even though there clearly was a mutual attraction between them, he didn’t know if it was because Wooyoung enjoyed the other’s company simply because it was San himself or if San was simply the only one that didn’t protest when the younger craved so much attention it was almost unbearable for the other members. Clinging to them, poking their cheeks and annoyed them until they literally shrugged him off their bodies. He didn’t know if he was just the easiest one for Wooyoung to ease his daily burdens on. “Why?” San asked and took a few steps closer. Wooyoung recoiled on himself, just a little, like the sight of his friends naked body coming closer alarmed him and the older stopped and tilted his head, a bit perplexed of the random behaviour. Confused and a bit hurt and his friend wet his lips, combed his fingers through his newly washed hair. “Just put on some clothes please?” Wooyoung begged and met San’s eyes from underneath his lashes, chewed on the inside of his cheek when his friend placed his phone on the desk beside him, took another step forward and Wooyoung shook his head. “What are you afraid of Youngie-ah? It’s just me, who I’ve always been” He took another step, standing just next to his best friend, who looked up at him like he was completely terrified, but the look in his eyes and the small twitching in his fingertips betrayed him. A look that San recognized all too well. The one that he always picked out from the back of his mind when the days were too long and he was too bored to do anything but jerk off to the thought of his best friend going down on him like he never wanted anything else but San’s cock in his mouth and two fingers tickling the bundle of nerves deep, deep inside of him. Fuck. He sat down at the edge of the bed when Wooyoung didn’t answer, reached for his hand and even though his mind basically screamed at him to put that hand on the growing hard on between his thighs and not anywhere else, he placed it over his heart instead. Wooyoung looked away, suddenly shyer than scared and his hand jolted in San’s when he felt the warm, smooth skin of the other. “Look at me, please?” San asked and Wooyoung swallowed, gave him a pained expression and reluctantly met his eyes again. He wanted the younger to explain. Explain why they were both feeling like this. Why San’s mind was screaming ‘no, no, no! You’re my best friend, If I push my feelings on you, I’m going to ruin everything’ and his heart was shouting back ‘yes, yes, yes! I love you so much it physically hurt me and I want nothing else than for you to just tell me that you feel the same way so that I can finally, finally have you, all of you, to myself’ Wooyoung didn’t explain. But he didn’t remove his hand either, a small blush covered his cheeks as he felt San’s hurried heartbeats underneath his ribcage.

03:17

Wooyoung was laying restless in his bed again. Just like he’d done for the past nights. Tossed and turned with no avail. Begged sleep to overcome him so he could put his utmost into the promotion that was going to start in two days. He sat up, rubbed his face with tired hands, threw his legs over the edge of the top bunker bed and paused for a second to make sure that Yeosang didn’t wake up when his feet hit the floor in a soft thump. Months upon months of midnight training had made him stealthy and he walked with quick steps towards the sofa in the living room, avoided the floor planks he knew would creek, hoped that the white light and buzz from the tv would make him sleepy. He paused. Was the tv already on? “Hi” San said as soon as Wooyoung rounded the corner when the corridor became the living room. The upper part of his body was naked, thanks to the humid hot weather outside and Wooyoung was immediately thrown back to the hotel room in Japan a few days earlier. The feeling of San’s skin underneath his fingertips was still stuck in his memory like a sweet sugary syrup. Coated his judgement and made him dizzy. That look San had in his eyes back then. “Wooyoungie? Did I scare you?” The older asked, slightly worried, hesitant and a bit self-conscious as he pulled a soft blanket over his head to cover himself, with only his face poking out. Wooyoung shook his head, hid all his feelings in a locked box at the back of his mind, closed the distance between them with a few quick steps and it was almost as if things were back to how it’d always been when San placed his arm around Wooyoung’s shoulders, pulled him closer with a bright smile. The cute dimples and scrunching nose made the younger’s heart flip and he smiled back, purely as a reflex before he settled underneath the crook of the others neck and focus on the American 80s cowboy movie that San had found on a channel Wooyoung didn’t even know they had. It was almost as if things were back to how it’d always been, except it was nothing like that at all and though both of them were trying to relax, trying to enjoy each other's presence - the fear of a misplaced hand, and the fact that they were so close that they could smell each other’s cologne, the underlying smell that were just them - were excruciatingly painful. The feeling of San’s naked chest against his own was everything Wooyoung wanted to the end of time and everything he had ever feared.

16:22

They received their album the same day it was released, and Hongjoong thanked their manager profusely when he reached out to give it to them. They were in the studio after being called there to listen through their new songs for the first time and see how it visually had turned out before it was released, and the staff had been kind enough to prepare dinner for them while they were there. The managers presence had interrupted that first hot meal of the day, but they all stood up without a question and bowed deeply to show off their gratitude. He left shortly after and all their fingers fiddled nervously when their leader unwrapped the plastic protection. Browsed the photo catalogue in awe. Playfully hitting each other with teasing punches and laughing loudly at the photos that were in it. Placed all the postcards on the table in front of them, the group photo and the individual photocard. San took the very chance he got and snatched it as soon as he saw who it was. No questions were asked. They all could see who was on the photo. Wooyoung blushed slightly and looked up to meet San’s from underneath his fringe. Swallowed hard when San shyly smiled back while he placed the photocard of his best friend in his wallet.

15:36

They were doing a Vlive again. Joked around while eating their food. Unconsciously mirrored each other, laughed between bites of food and proved to the whole fanbase that they truly were soulmates with 3,2,1 questions. Wooyoung watched his best friend from underneath his lashes. Tried not to stare too much but San had made it difficult for him. Looking like an angel sent from heaven to make Wooyoung forget about any problems that has ever troubled his mind with the light red make-up that shadowed his eyes. Wooyoung couldn’t help but to reach out, at times when he knew he doesn't have to. Just to feel the others skin under his touch Found it to be harder and harder to breathe properly when San leaned over his shoulder to read the comments on the phone that rested on the table among the food. They were not alone. A video director was sitting across of them to make sure that the video recorded properly and even though Wooyoung himself considered himself a gentle person, someone who never demanded a thing and was at most times hellbent on making sure that everyone felt seen and included and loved, staff and members alike - but now he wanted nothing else but for that said director to just get the fuck out and leave them alone. The older placed his hand on his back when he leaned over him again and the feeling of San’s breath on his neck made him shudder lightly. San, who pouted when he talked, hummed with satisfaction and slurped on his food when he ate and Wooyoung wanted the earth to swallow him right then and there for all the things it made him feel. His heart flipped again when the other borrowed his glasses, looking at least twice as good as Wooyoung would ever look in glasses himself and he swallowed hard while complimenting his friend. Feeling how he was sweating in the hoodie he wore from the smirk he received back. They talked, joked around a bit more, finished what they were eating and soon enough gave place to their hyung, who came to have a conversation with Atiny as well. Wooyoung placed his hand around his friend when they packed up their stuff. Felt how the muscles on San’s stomach tensed up slightly from the sudden touch and swallowed as the older followed in his footsteps as they walk out the door. Immediately grabbed his hand when they were alone again. Like he had been starving for the younger’s touch the whole 30 minutes they did the Vlive. Wooyoung looked over at his friend, felt how his face flushed when San pulled him closer in a half hug, not caring about the staff around them. Not caring about the curious looks they received. Not caring about the nagging feeling in their hearts. The feeling that told them both that they shouldn’t be this close if they were just friends. That it seemed like it was more than just fanservice or skinship or anything in between. The fact that it could be something more and that Wooyoung felt, when he quickly lock gaze with San as they stumbled to the car that would take them back to their dorm, that maybe… just maybe… San felt so as well - was terrifying and so indescribably amazing that he felt like he was walking on clouds.

10:45

It was minutes before their comeback. San felt how his heart was ticking hard in his chest, reached out to put his hands on his best friend’s shoulders, just to stabilise himself. Pulled his fingers through said friend's hair. Felt how Wooyoung took a sharp breath and he could almost swear that he swallowed hard from the feeling as well. Minutes passed, he leaned forward to read the comments fans left for them. Inhaled deeply and wanted to nuzzle his nose into Wooyoung’s hair but decided against it. Knew that it would look inappropriate on camera. Reached out to massage the youngers shoulders instead, fingers played with the hair in the back of his neck. Like he could relieve some of his own anxiousness, from inflicting the calming pleasure on Wooyoung and it helped him ease the fidgety feeling he already had in his fingertips too. Wooyoung cursed at him softly when the Vlive was over and they said goodbye to Atiny, urging them on to listen to the mini album before they ended the broadcast. “Why did you keep touching me like that, all the time? We were supposed to be professional” Wooyoung blushed, pulled San aside just outside the room they recorded in and the other members just spared them a glance before they kept walking to go get some lunch, knowing that the duo would catch up with them whenever they were finished. “What do you mean?” San asked and felt the tips of his ears flush. Wooyoung paused for a few seconds. Looked like he tried to put his thoughts in order to describe whatever he was thinking, and San swallowed hard, not understanding what he’d done wrong. “I was just… nervous… you ground me. You know that” San tried to explain when the younger doesn’t say anything. His friend looked away, crossed his arms over his chest and puffed it out slightly, pouted and San wanted nothing else than to just embrace him and apologize. “I… I know…” Wooyoung answered finally and San reached out even though his mind was telling him that he probably shouldn’t. He placed his hand on his friend's arm, tugged on it slightly to make them fall against Wooyoung’s side again before he took a step forward and hugged the younger tight. Flushed his body against him with both arms around his midriff. Wooyoung sighed, first it’s more like a sharp annoyed exhale through his nose and San sweep the area swiftly with his sight, noticed that they were completely alone and then nuzzled his nose underneath his friends jaw, pressed a light peck just underneath his ear and Wooyoung melted to putty in his arms. He sighed again, more content this time and San stifles a small heartfelt chuckle under his breath.

22:07

Towards the end of June and the water from the showerhead was cold on Wooyoung’s skin. He shuddered, fringe over his eyes as he watched how the water pooled at his feet before it disappeared down the drain. He thought back on every minute of the past three hours. Went through them over and over in his head. Felt how tears formed in the corners of his eyes. They were supposed to be training, not the dancing he preferred to do, but actually working out, with actual weights and stuff and though it was boring at first (it always was) joking around with his members was somewhat of a hobby of his. He knew that he should take it seriously, exercising was important. Mainly, of course, so that they could stay in good shape. But also, to build up the muscles needed for their choreography. Which was just so… unbelievable… boring. Wooyoung was someone who needed space to move, to dance and dance and dance until he couldn't stand upright anymore. Not sit down and work on a machine that pushed certain muscles to the breaking point. He’d complained, the trainer had rolled his eyes and explained for the hundredth time all those things that Wooyoung already knew. Complained about the trainer to San who then snorted out a laugh in a way that was anything but subtle. His best friend was not short on jumping on the train of shenanigans. They joked around, danced to the music in the background when the trainer had an important speech about how to build muscles in the most effective way. Made funny noises when the other members worked out and bumped into each other as they joked around, never missed a beat as they seemingly danced around each other, unconsciously playing a game of cat and mouse. Their trainer kicked them out, referred them to go to the dance studio to work on their choreo if they couldn’t stand still and they got a scolding look from their leader just before the door slammed shut. They stumbled to the room a few doors down, still roaring with laughter and San hopped down in one of the chairs at the back, the wheels of it made him roll a good three meters until he hit the wall with a small thump. Wooyoung chuckled to himself and put on some music, an American song was the first on the playlist and San shouted an “Eey” while he threw his hands in the air and dropped to the floor instead to make place after he pushed the chair to the other side of the room. The younger of the two closed his eyes, let the beat come to him instead of chasing after it, allowed it fill his body completely before he let it explode inside of him, making him move his arms and legs as the rush of being in his element overcame him. San shouted again, hyped him up and the applause that followed made Wooyoung dance faster, the room was spinning around him, but he was not lost - he was exactly where he was meant to be, as he kept the pace until the song ended. His breathing laboured and he combed back some hair that fell into his eyes before he opened them again. The older of the two was a meter from him, scooted down in a half sitting position at the same place, legs parted, so close that he almost touched Wooyoung. Eyes enticingly dark and tongue between his teeth when his mouth fell open at the way his friend looked back at him. His chest moved up and down in a pace that almost matched Wooyoung’s. Wooyoung wanted to say something. Wanted to defend the way his blood seemed to boil ever harder now than when he was dancing but it was as if all the blood had left his brain to stream down to his cock as San clenched his jaw, looked away, sighed and then motioned for the younger to get closer with a flick of his wrist, and Wooyoung obliged, because why wouldn’t he? It was as if electricity surged through them when their hands found each other, like so many times before. He dropped to his knees before San, moved as if on autopilot, straddled his hips like he’d done it a hundred times before. Except he hadn’t and the certain way that San looked up at him from underneath long lashes, The way his thighs clenched slightly when the younger scooted closer, The way his hands quickly settled on Wooyoung’s hips, pushing him down slightly on his crotch and the way his cheeks flushed... those soft pink lips parted - all of it made scared him out of his mind. But he couldn’t move away, didn’t want to move away as San brought his hand up to comb Wooyoung’s hair back out of his forehead again, the sweat in the roots of his baby hair made it stay like that and he gulped, hard. Felt how his friends cock grew harder under the swell of his ass in the jeans he wore. A gasp escaped his lips at the feeling, and it was as if the sound was painful to San because a small wrinkle appeared between his brows as his eyes became more and more hooded. San’s hand cupped Wooyoung’s face now and he was seconds from pressing his lips against the other when voices outside interrupted them, broke the magic and Wooyoung immediately jumped up after he realised how close he’d been to actually kiss his best friend. Fear overcame him again and he quickly straightened his clothes, gave San an apologizing look and turned on his heel before he rushed out the studio. Didn’t look behind him as he jogged all the way back to the dorm, the warm summer evening sun was just a thin line on the horizon as he unlocked the door to their dorm with shaking hands, slammed it shut behind him, shed his clothes as soon as he entered the bathroom and gasped loudly when the first drops of water hit his back like a whip. He looked down on his cock. Released what he’d been fighting for months upon months, to not cross that physical line that would change them, had happened anyway. The remembrance combined with Wooyoung’s vivid fantasy of what would most likely have happened if they wouldn’t have been interrupted made him squirm. He turned up the heat, when he realized that the cold water didn’t do anything to keep the memories from playing back in his head like a broken record on repeat. The feeling of San’s body underneath him. The way his muscles clenched from the feeling of Wooyoung’s on top of him. The way his cock had felt when it nudged against the younger’s ass. The fact that he’d been seconds away from kissing those perfectly curled lips that he’d dreamed of for so long. He felt the tears that had formed in his eyes fall down his cheeks. From disappointment. From guilt. From being so unbelievably disgusted with himself that he just wanted to hide from the whole world to the end of time. He shuddered as he reluctantly closed his hand around his cock, already leaking from pre-cum and dropped to his knees, face towards the ceiling as his other hand ghosted over his chest. One hand pumping himself as the other continued to travel, over his hip, his ass and he quickly spit in his hand as he choked on a breath when he imagined that the fingers that stroked his hole was San’s. His heart raced in his chest so hard he could hear the beats of it in his ears. He forced himself to relax, before he pushed one finger in, cried out softly as the feeling of being filled up made him shudder again. His breathing were strained, short breathy gasps escaped his throat and it didn’t take long until he fell backwards into the warm dark abyss that embraced him. Ribbons of hot white cum painted his chest and he moaned loudly, thankful that he was the only one at the dorm at the moment.

22:33

San cursed himself. Tears streamed down his face as he quickly followed in the steps of his best friend. A friend he had betrayed by acting upon his own insatiable lust. The shower was running when he entered the dorm and he paused just outside the door to the bathroom, trying to stabilise his hard breathing. He raised his hand and was just about to knock when a sudden noise made him waver. A… gasp? He swallowed and felt how the arousal he’d been pushing down for the last ten minutes came rushing back with the power of a collision. He stabilised himself with one hand on the doorpost, careful not to put any weight on the door itself and blow his cover as he leaned closer. Wooyoung was actually moaning. It was subtle but still clear as day and San cringed before submitting to his own need almost embarrassingly fast. Plunged his hand down his pants and underwear, eyes fluttered shut as he closed his hand around his cock. He imagined how Wooyoung would look, if he was in there with him. The way the water would run over his body, tracing over his nipples, over hard lean muscles and soft dark hair. How amazing he’d look with his cock in his hand, putting on a show for San, meeting his eyes behind wet eyelashes. Mouth open as the short whiny gasps he was hearing escaped his throat. How his own fingers would already pump in and out of him. San would even taste his lips, if his friend would allow him. Would treat him right in every way possible. Wooyoung would lead his hands, because San didn’t want to just take and claim the others lust. He’d love it if he could fuck him though. Real life San choked on his breath as imaginary him trapped Wooyoung against the wall, chest against chest, rose one leg over his hip and carefully, so carefully enter him, bottom out completely before letting his friend get used to the size. In the room behind the door, real life Wooyoung moaned loudly, and the out of breath gasping that followed directly afterwards sounded exactly like he used to sound after they’d been practising a particularly tough choreography. San came in his underwear so hard, his knees threatened to buckle underneath him. He cursed his life harder than he had ever done before.

09:43

Something changed between them after that. They still touched like they always do. Still sought the comfort with one another like always. Still touched and hugged and cuddled and placed small kisses on each other’s knuckles, under the ears and against collarbones when the feelings they have for each other was suffocating them. Still laughed and joked and played games. But something was still different. Something that broke Wooyoung’s heart in two as the days progressed. He watched as his friend danced and felt how his body itched to join him. Watched as he sang and felt how the sound was tugging on his heartstrings. Watched when San was occupied and doesn’t notice him staring. They were on tour from city to city again. Doing fan signs every other day. Participating in promotions, stage performances and radio. Travelled back to the US to open Kcon in New York and soon enough three weeks had passed since that time in the dancing studio and it was San’s birthday. Wooyoung woke up extra early, determined to not let the weird feeling between the two distract him from making the day a memorable experience. He placed out the ingredients on the counter, found the message on the recipe for seaweed soup he received from his mother the day before and got to working just as he hears how Seonghwa started to wake up in the room at the far back. “Good morning” He said, just as his hyung entered the kitchen with sleep drunken eyes, stumbled on his steps slightly as he inhaled the familiar scent with a thoughtful expression on his face. “For Sannie-ah?” Seonghwa asked and started making breakfast for himself and the other members. Wooyoung only nodded, mind focused hard on the recipe to make sure that he doesn’t miss a step. Yeosang joined them just a few minutes later, and then Mingi and Jongho. The soup was done the minute San stumbled out of his room, accompanied by Yunho and Wooyoung’s heart was ticking like a small bomb in his chest. It felt like he’d run a marathon when San looked into the pot with curious eyes before they meet his best friend and the younger swallowed hard. “Happy birthday” He said with a voice that only shook a little. The bright smile, the one with the dimples, scrunching nose and a wrinkle between his brows, made Wooyoung’s heart skip and San placed his arms around him in a heartbeat. Happiness was overflooding the others body and before he could stop himself, his lips were pressed against Wooyoung's cheek. It was just a light peck, done in the trance of excitement but Wooyoung couldn’t help but sigh softly of satisfaction. San, on the other hand, looked absolutely terrified at what he’d done, but his friend just shook his head and held him again, nuzzled his nose into the nape of the other’s neck.

20:21

“Youngie?” The whole day has passed and now they lay together in Wooyoung’s bed, watching a Netflix movie on San’s phone. Preferred the privacy to just be able to hold each other close without the other members in close proximity and if a small screen was what they had to sacrifice, then so be it. Wooyoung hummed lightly to show that he listened, and San took a deep breath, went over in his head how he could phrase what he was about to say in the smoothest way possible. Locked his phone to make Wooyoung look at him. “I know I said that I didn’t want any presents but…” He trailed off and met the youngers eyes from his position, with his head resting on his right arm and their faces barely two decimetres apart. Swallowed hard when Wooyoung looked at him with a distraught face when he mentioned a present. “I just have a favour. You don’t have to because, like I said. I don’t want any presents. I just thought since I literally have no one else to ask and you’re the one I’m closest to in the group so I feel most comfortable with you but like I said you really, really don't have to because it might change our friendship and that is the reason why I haven’t asked you earlier but now it’s my birthday an-” “Just say it” Wooyoung interrupted, a small smile tugged on his lips from the others rambling and San swallowed hard again, felt his heart thump hard in his chest. “Can you… I want you to…” He cleared his throat and closed his eyes for a second to collect some courage. “I… I’d like you to be my first kiss” He cringed at his own words as he stumbled over them. Heard how Wooyoung gasped slightly and his heart clenched at the sound as he opened his eyes again, met the younger’s eyes before he quickly looked away again. Neither of them moved a muscle for a few seconds and the more time that passed, the more anxious San became, the small ball of nervousness grew from a needle head to an overfilled balloon that threatened to explode in his stomach and finally he couldn’t take it anymore and just shook his head before he pulled up his phone and unlocked it with a sigh. “Sorry, I… forget what I said” He apologized and was just about to hit play again when Wooyoung placed his hand over San’s and lowered the phone again. They lock gaze. The younger’s eyes were like two brown tarns in the middle of an untouched forest. So dark that San wanted to drown in them. “I… I’d like that. You’d be my first as well” He finally answered, and San’s heart flipped like a small bird trapped in a cage. He turned his body towards his friend, placed his left arm around him so that his back covered what was about to happen to any unexpected viewers at the door. Fingers combed through Wooyoung’s black hair in the back of his head and they edged closer until their nose’s touches. Two eyes each blended into one because their sight couldn’t focus on such close proximity. They breathe the same air for a few seconds and San could feel how hard his friend’s heart is beating in his chest as they lie pressed from top to bottom. Wooyoung is the one that found the courage to close the last millimetres and their breath hitched when their lips finally, finally meet. A small gasp escaped the younger’s lips as the thing he’d been dreaming about finally happened and the sound of it makes his friend go into overdrive. The soft fingers that played with Wooyoung’s hair grabbed a hold of it instead, yanked on it softly, earning another gasp and San used it to his advantage to deepen the kiss. Cried out slightly from feeling the curve of his friend’s cupid bow against his own, the plumpness of his lips sloppily mirroring his movements. Spreading a wildfire that burned through every nerve in San’s body and he felt like his blood was boiling. His tongue sneaked out as he pressed closer to the other. Wooyoung tasted like chocolate frosting from the birthday cake they had earlier, and San was walking on clouds. Completely and utterly breathless and shuddering as he arched his body slightly to press a weak, uncertain thrust against the other, desperately craving more, more, more. Wooyoung choked on his breath, endorphins swarmed his head and made him dizzy on the high he received. San was warm in his arms as he presses a hand on his back, felt the trapezius muscle clench under the feeling of Wooyoung’s touch. He desperately wanted to throw his leg over the other’s hip. Wanted to press down on the half hard cock he felt was growing there but stopped himself before he did so. Knew that there was a time and place for everything and right now, with the members only a few meters away, his bedroom door open and without any rational thought whatsoever, any other time would be better. He was the one that parted them, and San whined and pouted when he did so, unhappy that the younger pulled away. He swallowed, looked at the other with hooded, drunk eyes and even though all he wanted was to taste those lips again, a rational part of his brain knows that Wooyoung is right to have stopped. Knew that there will be another time for them to give each other their all. San sighed, brushed his hands down his friends back and looked at Wooyoung like he hung his moon and all his stars, and the other looked back at him, a small smile on his lips as he tried to catch his breath. Softly combed back the older’s hair from his forehead with a gentle hand and San closed his eyes. Placed this memory in a box in the furthest part of his mind, knowing that this was the best birthday he has ever had.

17:18

“I love the way your hand fits in mine” San whispered and Wooyoung blushed as he looked down at their intertwined fingers. Felt how his heart fluttered hard in his chest and tried to stifle a big smile so he doesn’t feed the others ego too much. They’re in a hotel name both has forgotten the name off. Separated at first by the management but Wooyoung had begged Mingi to switch rooms with him as soon as they had received the keys. The look he’d given the two spoke of both disbelief and happiness. They laid in bed at the moment, cuddling, while watching a new drama on the tv. Bellies full of the late dinner. Hearts full of being so close to each other. Heads full of pink balls of soft cotton. Up in the clouds with the feelings they had for each other but neither wanted to say out loud, because they were scared that the other would reject them. Scared that they’d lose the friendship they had if they crossed that line. “Sannie-ah” He said, brushed his thumb over his friends knuckles and San hummed a little to show that he listened, while still watching the tv. “I…” He trailed off, knew what he wanted to say but still had to find the courage before he did so. “I don’t ever want you to leave me” They locked gaze. San’s brows were furrowed with confusion from the sudden statement and he shook his head. “I won’t” He promised and Wooyoung wet his lips before he cleared his throat. “Even if Ateez disbands tomorrow… will you stay with me?” The younger knew that it was a big question. Would understand it if San would say no. Except he doesn't. He just chuckled, squeezed Wooyoung’s hands before he planted a sweet kiss on the back of his hand. “My future has you in it, that’s the only thing I know for sure about anything at all. Everything that will follow is just a bonus” He gave his friend another smile and Wooyoung’s stomach did somersaults of happiness. He sighed, content and squeezed San’s hand when the latter places the next kiss on the crown of his head.

09:02

San’s body was on fire. Burned with every kiss Wooyoung placed on it. From his neck, down his shoulders, his collarbones, his naked chest, the clenched-up muscles on his stomach. He gasped out slightly when the youngers fingertips ghosted his sides, the touch tickled him slightly. “Sorry” Wooyoung whispered softly and San choked on his breath. “Don’t be” He pulled his friend up again just as Wooyoung placed the last kiss above the lining of his underwear. There was an insatiable hunger in him that couldn’t be satisfied, and his breath hitched once again as he pressed their lips together. The now familiar feeling of the other’s cupid bow over his own, the unbelievable softness of them - almost made San whimper, even though he’d been kissing those lips for almost a month now. It was addicting. The small noises his best friend did when San placed the next kiss underneath his jaw, trailing his lips over his neck and swallowed hard when the other’s cologne clouded his senses. The way Wooyoung pressed his naked chest against San. The way his breath hitched when San trailed his hands over his body. They’d been doing this for a while now, a few weeks. Just kissing. Indulging in the feeling of skin against skin. Mapping out every freckle on the others body. Every scar. Didn’t want to rush things, but rather just took it slow. In their own pace. Knew that there would be a time when they both felt like they had the time to properly treat each other right. The other members knew. But neither of them minded or seemed bothered at all when San randomly embraced Wooyoung and placed a small peck on his lips just before breakfast in their dorm a week ago. It all seemed like a dream, and San never wanted to wake up.

10:04

Weeks passed. So did the summer. It was still quite hot outside, enough to dress in jeans and a tee but it seemed like autumn was taking its first wobbly steps when the first few leaves started to fade in colour. They worked on their comeback, took one step at a time, just like the scenery outside. Had two weeks free from any sort of travelling at the beginning of September to just focus on the album, the music and choreo and used that time to perfect what they’d created. It was a challenge. This was their first full album and needless to say - the expectations were high. Wooyoung sighed and slumped over in the studio couch with a sullen pout on his lips. Put on his headphones, replayed his part of the song again and closed his eyes for a few seconds to listen without getting distracted by the gorgeous figure sitting on the couch next to him. He became more annoyed, something just didn’t sound right, replayed the same part again and let his gaze linger on his best friend instead. They had switched hair colours for the new concept, completely unintentional and the dark hair that now covered San’s forehead made him look more amazing than Wooyoung had ever seen him before. The long hair in the back of his neck was even more prominent now, and with that dash of blue the hairdressers added… “Do I have something on my face” San interrupted his thoughts and brushed over his lips and cheeks to make sure that it was crumble free of the small lunch they had earlier. “No… I…” Wooyoung removed the headphones and shook his head, a bit embarrassed that he was caught red handed. “You were staring at me” Something provocative shadowed the other’s face as he smirked, one eyebrow raised, and he licked his lower lip into his mouth and gave Wooyoung a look that made the younger’s knees feel weak and his pink blush to get even darker. “Wooyoungie” San purred softly and rose up from the couch to sit next to his friend instead. “No need to be shy” He assured and Wooyoung swallowed hard. Felt how he wanted to defend himself, but his thoughts were interrupted. San’s lips were on his before he even had the time to finish his train of thought and he immediately gasped with surprise to the feeling before he broke the kiss again. “What are you doing?” He whispered angrily. “What? San asked back, a wrinkle of confusion between his brows. “I only wanted to kiss you” He tried to explain, a small smile on his lips. Like he thought the other was just joking but Wooyoung just shook his head violently. “We can’t. Not here” The older of the two recoiled on himself with a surprised expression on his face and Wooyoung could see that he was hurt. “Why not? What difference does it make? People will know about us sooner or later, we will tell. Right?” San smiled softly but it quickly faltered when Wooyoung looked away, wet his lips nervously and fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “Right? San pressed on and Wooyoung tilted his head and his mouth fell open to say something, anything, but no words came out. San raised his hands in a ‘what the hell’ motion and the soft smile changed into one of disbelief. “So what? Your plan was to just ignore me and only let me touch you like we’ve always done; the regular small skin ship we usually do? But I won’t be allowed to kiss you? To hold you like I do when we’re alone? You’re just going to just ignore us forever?” “I… I don’t know how to answer that” The younger answered quietly and felt how his heart hammered hard in his chest. It felt like he was going to get sick in his stomach when San quickly rose up from his place beside him as his expression changed from surprise to sorrow. “Have all of this just been a joke to you? Every kiss, every promise? You never wanted us to be real, not officially, did you?” San’s voice was awfully calm when he spoke and it hurt so bad it felt like Wooyoung’s heart split into countless tiny pieces, like glass breaking against a stone floor. The razor-sharp splinters gutted him, and he swallowed hard, barely allowed himself to take a deep breath in the tense air between them. He wanted San to be pissed off, to scream and shout because it would feel better to just get angry than to feel the guilt, he felt in his chest now. Everything they’d been doing so far had been amazing, unreal like a dazed pink dream. But Wooyoung knew that he had to wake up. Knew that even though he had all of these feelings inside of him, none of them could be realized, not in the way they both wanted. He swallowed hard, tried to get a hold of some sort of reason, some sort of explanation to make San feel better. Hated the way his friend looked at him right now. “We… we are real, Sannie. I just… we - we’re idols…” San shook his head in disbelief, tears in his eyes as he gave his friend one last glance before he turned on his heel. The door slammed shut after him and the demon, that voice, that Wooyoung had forced into a corner for the last few months returned with full power. Towered over him with oozing black smoke that entered his bloodstream and poisoned his mind. You’re not good enough. You’ll never be and now you just forced away the only person who could ever love you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

14:09

San was exhausted. He’d been crying for hours. Buried underneath his many plushies while holding onto Shiber. Legs raised up towards his chest as he curled onto himself with his back against the door so that no one could see the horrible state that he was in. Pressed his nose into the comforting fur of the plush dog and shook with quiet choked up sobs. Yunho had carefully asked him why he was crying. If he wanted to talk, ready to close their bedroom door if San wanted the privacy, but he’d just shook his head. He heard how Wooyoung came home, the walls shook when he slammed shut the bedroom door at the other end of the dorm and Seonghwa were quick on his steps after him, probably both to scold him for the door slamming and to ask if his fired up emotions were connected to San’s. He didn’t want to eat dinner - because he didn’t felt hungry at all. Didn’t want to join the other members when they sat down in front of the tv and watched the football game that he’d been looking forward to all week - because Wooyoung wouldn’t be there in his arms, watching it with him. Didn’t want the tea that Seonghwa offered him just before bedtime - because it was Wooyoung’s favourite and the smell of it and the thought of him made San's whole body ache. Didn’t want to sleep when Yunho, tall as he was, properly tucked him in and squeezed his arm with a small sigh before he placed the blanket over San - because he was lonely, without his best friend to hold. Didn’t want to eat breakfast when it was served in the morning - because he felt too sick to eat anything anyway. Didn’t want to join them for dance practise just before lunch but was forced anyway, and Hongjoong just placed a steady warm hand on his shoulder before he pushed him out of the room, he’d been camping in for the last 24 hours. He couldn’t meet Wooyoung’s eyes. He cried in the car as they drove to the company, silent tears wet his clasped hands as he looked out the window. Cried as they trained on their choreo, his breath hitching with every laboured sigh. Cried as his knees finally gave out from pushing himself too far and not breathing properly in the pauses of dancing. Cried when Wooyoung was the first to catch him before he fell to the floor. Cried as he held onto his friend, who smelled of soap and cologne and boy and everything San needed. Choked on his breath when Wooyoung gripped onto the collar of his shirt and pressed his lips upon San’s, mumbling a curse word over his lips at the other’s recklessness.

05:18

San was breathing softly beside him and Wooyoung couldn’t help but watch. They had started to watch a movie way too late yesterday and must’ve accidentally fell asleep on the couch. It was early, the autumn sun barely up and the other members still snored, a mumble in their sleep here and there while completely unconscious to the world. Wooyoung was pressed against the backrest, with his hand on San’s back to keep him from falling down the edge. They lay face to face, legs tangled and Wooyoung sighed deeply and couldn’t help but smile at the vision in front of him. San’s lips were slightly parted and soft snores erupted from his throat but Wooyoung still thought he looked like an angel. The soft glow from the lamp in the window illuminated his features and send a shadow over his eyes that made his eyelashes look longer than they really were. If Wooyoung would be immortal and have all the time in the world, he’d probably watch his friend for hours, but he could already feel his stomach grumble for food. He reached out and moved a lock of hair that had fallen over the other’s eyes with the intent to wake him up. But San just groaned in his sleep, pouted and whispered an incoherent wish that whoever was touching him would stop. The younger smiled and felt how his heart skipped slightly as he edged closer until he pressed their foreheads together and placed a small peck on his friend’s lips. Brushed his nose against San’s in a sweet Inuit kiss. “Sannie-ah” Wooyoung said softly and the older groaned slightly again, pushed the leg that was already between Wooyoung’s, higher and sneaked his arm around him tighter. Flushing their bodies together from head to toe before he stretched out like a cat. “Wooyoungie” He hummed happily and returned the Inuit kiss before he pecked the younger’s lips and inhaled deeply while he indulged in feeling their bodies so close. It took another fifteen minutes before San opened his eyes. Wooyoung had raised himself up slightly and started the tv again, since he’d gotten bored but didn’t want to leave the comfortable place stuck between the backrest and his friend’s sleepy warm body, the hunger in his stomach be damned. “Morning” The older said and squinted slightly from the sudden brightness, burrowed his face in Wooyoung’s chest, rubbed his face there and sighed happily before he looked up again. “Did you really just rub the sleep out of your face on my shirt instead of using your hands?” Wooyoung asked, a smile tugging on his lips. “Maybe I did, whatcha gonna do ‘bout it?” San mumbled and stuck his tongue out. The younger couldn’t help but smile back when the dimples in San’s cheeks made an appearance. A smile that turned into a soft sigh as his friend reached out to comb back the hair that covered the younger's forehead.

12:15

“I’m sorry” It was a whisper, but San still picked up on it. That and the hidden sadness in Wooyoung’s voice as he sat down opposite side of him at the kitchen table. “Why?” The older of the two asked and a puzzled wrinkle appeared between his brows as he shoved another full spoon of food into his mouth. A bit unsure of whatever it was that made Wooyoung squirm uncomfortably in his seat to the question. “The other day. I… I never meant for you to…  I- I mean… I never wanted… “ He cleared his throat and San swallowed and waited, uneasy and hesitant of what Wooyoung wanted to say. “I’ve been thinking and… If you want us to… then I want us to be together in every way possible as well. I want us to be official. The first openly gay relationship in the history of kpop. That would certainly create some headlines, wouldn’t it?” Wooyoung chuckled nervously. Awkwardly scratched the back of his head while he avoided his friends gaze. Drummed his fingers against the table. San cringed slightly and reached out to stop the fidgety hand. Traced the soft lines of veins on the back of it, interlaced their fingers and met his friend’s eyes just as they travelled up from the place where their bodies connected. “No, I’m sorry. I was the one who didn’t think” San sighed heavily and pursed his lips. Tried to place the thoughts running in his mind in order before he let them escape his mouth. “We are idols. Still rookies, but with more eyes on us now than ever before and I understand that you’re afraid. I really am too. It was harsh of me to react the way I did. I just…” He groaned slightly, rubbed the hand that wasn’t occupied, down his face to mentally prepare himself for what he was about to say. “I just… I was so, so afraid that I would lose you” He swallowed hard. Felt how Wooyoung stroked his thumb with a reassuring motion. “I want to scream from the highest mountain top that you belong to me and me alone. I want everyone to know that I…” He paused, looked away and felt how his cheeks flushed red. “And when you said that you wanted to hide our relationship from the world. A sick and twisted part of me was convinced that you never… that you never…” “I do”   Wooyoung smiled softly and squeezed his best friend’s hand. The three burning words left unsaid between them.

23:43

“Hyung?” Wooyoung jumped up on the bed San was resting on, scooted up so that he sat between San’s legs and the older of the two looked up from the book he was reading. They were in a hotel room, sleepy and fatigued after arriving to Thailand just an hour ago. They were lucky. The two of them had gotten a room together since they were going to do an appearance on Twitter blue room the next day. “Hyung?” San asked back and closed the book, suddenly intrigued by the sudden honorific that Wooyoung hadn’t used since… well since they first met. “Why?” San continued and Wooyoung nervously licked his bottom lip into his mouth. “I wanted to ask you something and thought… well… I thought I’d be polite about it” He answered and San curiously flicked his head to the side. A small smile tugged on his lips as he placed the book on the bedside table, sat up more comfortably against the pillows piled up under his shoulders, clasped his hands to rest over his stomach and watched his friend with a look that made Wooyoung breathless. A small pause silenced the two busy minds as the younger of the two just sat there, with his hands resting on his folded knees, still placed between San’s, who leaned back, waiting. “I… I need… you” Wooyoung mumbled under his breath, met his friend’s eyes but quickly looked away again. A precious pink flushed his cheeks and San’s heart flipped hard in his chest. “You…?” He asked, the question trailed off as if he was unsure if he’d heard correctly. “I want you so bad it hurts. I can’t take any more of this… just kissing and holding each other… I…” Wooyoung got quiet again, anxiously chewed on his inner cheek when he realized he’d been rambling and sighed deeply, like he’d held his breath for a long time. “I… uh…” San was completely stumped. How was he supposed to answer that? Should he even say anything at all? Wooyoung sighed heavily, muttered a curse under his breath and closed the distance between them with one sharp movement. San flinched slightly, fully prepared to get bruised but the younger caught himself in the movement, cupped the other’s face softly and when their lips met, time seemed to travel in slow motion. The younger tasted off sweet iced tea and San melted to putty in his arms, sighed as euphoria exploded in his heart before the feeling spread throughout his body. He fell back against the pillows completely and placed his hands on his friend, pulling him down with him. Wooyoung. The weight of his body, strong and lean from years of dancing, felt like heaven upon San’s own and he felt his breath hitch as the younger deepened the kiss, drank the taste of him, the smell, the feeling and San never wanted it to stop. His head was swarming and the white noise that rang in his ears, like the buzz of a whole colony of angry bees, made him deaf to anything else than the sound of moans swallowed by wet sloppy kisses and the sweet gasp of surprise that fell from Wooyoung’s lips when the older pressed his growing boner on his thigh. The way his body screamed for more and more and more and that insatiable hunger that Wooyoung lit in his body made him crazy with overwhelming feelings. The way his arousal hammered hard in his body. The rustling sound of fabric as they quickly shed their clothes. The hushed groan that fell from the youngers lips as San placed his hands on his naked chest. Placed his next kiss on the mole in the corner of Wooyoung’s lips, kissed the one underneath his left eye. Trailed his lips under his jaw, down the side of throat and got drunk on the way the younger moaned when he nibbled on the soft skin over the large carotid artery on the side of his neck. The sharp inhales of breath, as if the two of them forgot that oxygen was needed when they finally lay completely skin to skin. San flipped them over, and gasp escaped his mouth when the dream he’s had for so, so long now finally became realized. His friend was on display for him. Legs parted, so San could sit in between them, fingers combed through the blonde messy hair off his, chest heaving with each shaky breath and San choked on his breath again, it was inevitable, when his eyes stopped at the leaking hard cock, blood red and twitching, turned towards the other’s belly button and Wooyoung almost whimpered as his hands fiddle with the sheets at the sides to stop himself from reaching down. “You’re beautiful” San could feel his heartbeat in his ears and tears in his eyes - from arousal, from the fact that he’s so unbelievable turned on that it was on the verge of being embarrassing… From the sight in front of him. Wooyoung looked away. Nervously bit down on his lip and time pauses between them again, because neither knows what to do now. Doesn’t know how to take the next step, where should they stop? Wait… Did they really want to stop? Was San literally going to have his wettest dream ever turn reality just before midnight in a hotel the day before they’re going to do a big event? Wooyoung beat him to it, like he usually did, and San could only choke on a groan when his friend reached out and closed a secure hand over the length of his cock. “You’re overthinking too much, babe” Wooyoung whispered and placed a warm hand on the back of San’s head to bring him down before their lips met again. San saw stars in the darkness behind closed eyelids.

15:15

They changed after that one time. Like that last paper-thin invisible wall between them was finally torn apart. The comeback rolled around with the new album. Promotions, stages and travelling filled their days, causing sleepless nights and days that never seemed to end. Wooyoung rubbed the bridge of his nose and leaned back against the wall of the waiting room they’d been placed in. They were minutes from entering the small radio studio. One member short, three of them sick with a cold and Wooyoung just wanted to go home. Home to the security and familiarity of their dorm. Home to the place where he didn't have to think about how he looked or how his voice would turn out when he sang. Home where he could catch San in his arms and plant a kiss on his lips as they passed each other in the corridor that connected their rooms. Home where he could kiss those lips as much, and for as long as he wanted. Don’t misunderstand. He loved what he was doing, what they as a unit, had created… but this comeback in particular had been tough on all of them and he longed from a small break when he could do something he wanted to do for a chance. “Everything ok?” He flinched when the deep voice whispered in his ear, the hair on his neck standing when a figure came to stand right next to him. He turned, heart in his throat and immediately reached out to slap the arm of the person who now stood doubled over and laughing so hard Wooyoung thought a lung would burst. “You should’ve seen your face” San’s breath hitched from the lack of breath when he talked and he inhaled deeply, tried to collect himself, even closed his eyes for a few seconds to calm himself down but still only managed to hold the serious face he put on for two seconds until he started laughing again. Wooyoung wasn’t laughing. He just shook his head, like he couldn’t believe his friend and sighed deeply. Knew that he should be angry, because it wasn’t funny - but the dimples in San’s face and the way that he was still laughing at the prank he just pulled, made the corners of his lips twitch slightly as he tried to hold his composed posture. “Sorry darling” San whispered and placed his hand on Wooyoung’s shoulder to hold himself upright. Wooyoung shook his head again, swept the area with his eyes to make sure that they were alone before he cupped his friends face and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, taking away both the other’s laughter and his ability to breathe.

13:19

Fans noticed the change in their relationship as well. The feeds of their ship name exploded with every fan sign and the numbers of photos and videos raised on every possible platform. San didn’t know if he should be happy and proud that they had such talented and bright fans or worried because of that same reason. There hadn’t been any speculations that their relationship was real in any sort of way and management had been quiet so far. San hoped that they didn’t know, or at least that they didn’t care as long as the two of them kept what they did behind closed doors. The sort of industry they were in was a whole can of worms none of them (not San, not Wooyoung and certainly not management) wanted to open. The controversies of openly gay people in Korea was a heated subject and San cringed with uncomfortableness when he thought about it. It wasn’t forbidden, but they were a population driven by tradition and strict unspoken rules and while the “nuclear family” concept was a major part of that, anything that diverted from that perfect ideal was something no one wanted to have anything to deal with. Not San, who couldn’t imagine that he’d ever fit in with that concept. Not Wooyoung, who had way too much on his mind to even consider wanting a family, ever - both of them rather marrying the music, the art of dance, of expression, of freedom and colour and nature. Both of them rather marrying each other. But both of them also knew that it was still a dream to imagine something that big.

21:00

The 24th of October marked their first anniversary and Wooyoung had been fiddly all day. He couldn’t sit still. Couldn’t focus. Was so nervous he could feel his legs shake when they finally walked up on stage, singing the song that set the mark for them as a group and as a family almost a year and a half ago. They talked, cried, thanked everyone for coming, thanked the people who watched the livestream, performed and laughed and Wooyoung held his members tight when they did a group hug as soon as they had exited the stage. Held onto each other for a bit longer than necessary, breathing as a unit for a minute or two. Thankful that he had the fortune to share everything- this moment, with the people he loved. He looked over at San, his heart aching as the older of the two smiled through the tears that still streamed down his cheeks. Thankful that he found someone he considered his soulmate. Someone he never expected to meet at the age he was, in the industry he was working in, doing what he did for a living. Thankful that he could spend every waking minute watching his friend and every sleeping, being right there next to him. Never too far away and always keeping one eye on each other when they were apart. Never too far away to not be able to close the distance between them again. Thankful for the way that his best friend - his love, embraced him again when they were alone, after staff and the rest of the group made themselves ready to go back to the dorm. Hungry hands grabbing at his clothes, as if the action would force him closer. Thankful for the way that San’s lips moulded upon his own after they locked themselves into a bathroom a few doors down. The way the edge of the sink dug into the small of Wooyoung’s back when he was pressed into it by his friend’s body. The way San’s cock quickly got harder and harder against his thigh as the kisses got more and more urgent, more insistent, more voracious. Wooyoung whimpered against the others collarbone and the deep growl that escaped San’s throat made him weak in the knees. It was sloppy, wet and Wooyoung never wanted the high that flooded through his body and rushing through his bloodstream, to stop. San grabbed his hand, needy and demanding, and placed his open palm between his legs and the younger’s breath hitched when he felt the hardness there. A wave of confidence washed over Wooyoung as he unbuttoned the other’s pants, pulled down the zipper in one fast movement and San shuddered against him as his friend closed his hand around his cock. San wasn’t slow with mirroring the motion and Wooyoung melted to putty as his knees almost went out. Fell forward slightly with a breathless gasp and rested his forehead on San’s shoulder, watching as his best friend jerked him off too. Both thinking the same thing as their other hands sneaked around each other’s waist. San’s lips tasted sugary sweet of the cake they ate earlier, and Wooyoung was in heaven, he was sure of it. The intoxicating feeling of release was upon them faster than they both wanted but neither could hold back, neither wanted to hold back. San was the one that fell first, gasping back a rumbling moan between Wooyoung’s lips, and the younger’s breath hitched as cum splattered over his clasped hands. The older let him go, temporarily, placed his hand over his friend’s and the hand, wet with cum now, that closed around Wooyoung again made him quiver and a small whine slipped between his lips. He leaned back against the mirror, gasped when San placed soft nibbles underneath his collarbone, where a shirt would easily hide the marks later. “Fuck, you’re so amazing Woo, so fucking gorgeous” San’s voice was hushed against his ear and exactly what he needed as he came so hard his knees trembled. Coating his best friend’s hand completely and San’s breath hitched as he did so, almost amazed like he couldn’t believe that this is reality and honestly, neither could Wooyoung himself. So drunk on the high from the orgasm and the love he could feel, radiating from the other that nothing else mattered. Not the fact that they had no idea how to escape the building in the state they were in without causing a scandal or the fact that their leader was angrily knocking on the bathroom door, telling them with an annoyed voice that he would never treat them for dinner ever again if they didn't hurry the fuck up. A threat that Wooyoung took very seriously, but not serious enough that he didn’t take thirty more seconds of placing another sweet kiss on his love’s lips and chuckled slightly at the mess they’d created before he reached for the paper towels behind him.

11:43

“I could stare at your eyes forever” Wooyoung said, clutched at San’s side as they rested on the couch at the dorm. The tv was on, but none of them were really watching. San was studying English, or at least he’d tried to until his best friend laid down next to him, even though it was clearly next to no place left for him and scooted San closer to the backrest before he placed his arm over his friend’s midriff. The older of the two had grumbled slightly since he was put in an uncomfortable position and Seonghwa, who’d been on the other side of the couch sighed deeply as he looked over at the two snuggling men and muttered something incoherent under his breath before he rose up from his place. His steps trailing off to Wooyoung and Yeosang’s shared bedroom instead. “First off, that’s a lie and secondly cheesy as fuck” San answered what Wooyoung just said but didn’t look up from the pages he read as he talked. Glasses adorned his face and Wooyoung pouted slightly as he nuzzled his nose onto the other’s neck and earned a startled gasp when he did so. San gave the younger a look of warning, brows furrowed and eyes into squinting crescents and Wooyoung knew that he tried to look pissed off at his actions but nothing he’d ever done so far had angered the other. “Why is it a lie?” Wooyoung asked instead and puffed out his chest a little. Ready to defend his honour. “Forever is a really long time, Youngie. You can barely sit still for more than two minutes, so you can’t really expect me to believe that you’d spend so much time just staring at my eyes” The younger of the two stuck his tongue out, the desire to defend his honour falling flat as he wasn’t really one willing to fight against a good argument. San chuckled softly under his breath and turned the page to the next lesson. A few minutes passed. San read the words out loud and Wooyoung mimicked the way he spoke silently to himself. Tried to copy the way his friend pronounced the difficult sentences, but without success. A minute more passed and Wooyoung was getting bored. He rubbed his face against the others shoulder. Closed his eyes and inhaled the familiar, safe smell that filled his senses and calmed his busy mind. “Sannie-ah” He said suddenly when San had turned another page. The older hummed in response, still not looking at his friend. “You can either choose to spend time with me, or you can choose to spend time with me. Those are your options” He said in a sugary sweet voice while fluttering his eyelashes and San shook his head in disbelief and tried to hold back a laughter. “What about the third option?” San asked and finally met Wooyoung’s eyes. “What?” The younger asked and looked back at him, puzzled. “You find someone else to bother and I can finish studying. We need someone else than hyung to rely on when we go abroad” Wooyoung pouted. Looked away as he felt his cheeks flush. Knew that it was selfish of him to crave so much attention when his friend was clearly trying to improve the way the group was perceived. “Maybe you need a little break? I can… I can…” Wooyoung started and glanced behind him towards the kitchen. “I can uh, make you something to eat. Bake some cookies or something” San met the other’s eyes. Wooyoung’s face was still slightly flushed a light pink, brown eyes pleading for some sort of attention. San sighed, knew in his heart that maybe he’d been a bit harsh with his words. He knew how his friend worked by now after all. Knew that he only craved that necessary human contact a bit more than your average person. And who was San to reject him that? He placed the book at the floor below them, placed his hand on the youngers thigh to pull it over his waist and met his friend’s surprised eyes again. Those eyes that darkened so incredibly fast San could feel his heart flip hard in his chest. He placed his hands on the others waist and (with some help) hoisted him up so that Wooyoung sat straddled over his waist. “What if I wanted you? You’re sweet enough to eat” San whispered and winked as the colour of Wooyoung’s face got darker. His fingers rid up the younger’s shirt slightly and Wooyoung gasped slightly with surprise as San placed his hands on the naked skin over his hips instead. Wooyoung’s hands splayed over his friend’s chest and he could already feel his arousal rushing through his body like a rapid fire. He was just about to lean down and catch San’s lips when a surprised shriek made them both flinch with surprise. “The living room too? My god, I knew it was a mistake to agree to live like this. What even did I expect with eight horny guys within 200 square meters? My eyes, my virgin eyes” Jongho’s complaining voice trailed off as he quickly fled the scene and locked himself in his room. The couple on the couch locked eyes and busted out in a laughing fit, thinking that maybe, just maybe, they should go into the private of one of their own rooms instead as well before things started to escalate even more.

20:09

Sometimes Wooyoung was unsure if he could trust his heart at all. He knew that he, his heart, soul, mind and body that is, had made a right choice. About the career he’d chosen, about the group he’d been paired up with, about the decisions he made in everyday life. About the fact that he loved Choi San. But that was still something entirely else. Something consuming, suffocating, amazing and enticing. To know that every look, every smile, every laugh, every snap of those hips of his when he danced, were all Wooyoung’s. No one else. They could imagine. Could fantasise. But it was Wooyoung’s bed that San chose to crawl into when he felt lonely. Wooyoung’s body he pressed against the wall of a bathroom stall when they had been without close body contact for too long. Wooyoung’s voice that he silenced with one hand over his mouth as his other closed around the younger’s hard cock. Wooyoung’s cum he smeared over his bottom lip as his friend came down his throat. San was his and he was San’s. That was just the way it was. And it scared him. It scared him that all the love he felt for the other could never be out in the open. That it would only take one photographer in the wrong place for everything to go to hell. That the pure fact that they were both men was the main reason why his heart flipped with anxiousness every time San closed in on the safe distance, they always put between them when they were in public places. That he didn’t know if a magazine would predict his sexuality, or San’s, and put it on the front page before he’d even figured it out himself. It scared him so much that he was unsure if he could trust his heart at all. Because everything else, his mind, the logic part of his brain, told him to quit doing what he was doing. To quit acting like an idiot. To just wake up from the pink coloured shimmer that clouded his senses whenever he was with his best friend. “What are you thinking about?” But then that voice interrupted his anxious mind. “You looked so lost, Woo” Those arms wrapped around his body. “Sorry for bothering your train of thought, I just needed to…” Those lips were upon his. And he was home, wondering why he ever doubted himself.

08:09

Rain was smattering on the windows of their dorm when the question first arose. “Sannie-ah?” Wooyoung asked, just before breakfast and still sleepily cuddling his friend. They had a lazy day, with only dance practise and a meeting later in the afternoon planned. San hummed in response; eyes still closed as he nuzzled his nose into the younger’s pillow. The bottom mattress of the bunk beds were empty. Yeosang had fled the room muttering something about five years of friendship and how he has never felt so betrayed in his entire life when Wooyoung had entered their bedroom with his arm looped with San’s late in the evening yesterday.   Loudly complaining to Yunho when he’d climbed into San’s empty bed a few doors down. “I uh… I was wondering if… if you wanted to… I- I mean… if you think that we are ready… because it’s totally ok if you don’t...” Wooyoung trailed off and San opened his eyes, curious as to why his friend seemed to have such a problem asking whatever it were, he wanted to ask. The younger looked away, blushing and quickly rolled around in the bed, so that his back was turned towards San instead. The older of the two raised himself up on his elbow and scooted closer, so that his frame was pressed onto Wooyoung’s back before he leaned over his friend. “What?” He asked and Wooyoung exhaled sharply, frustratedly at the heavy words he wanted to say. “Nevermind” He muttered and even though San wanted to press on, he decided to just leave it. Guessing that the question would probably rise up again if it was important. The next time it happened, it was the same afternoon. They were the last ones in the dance studio. Goofed around to the music that played loudly. Came up with new twists of their choreography. Set a random list on shuffle and competed who’d remember the dance to it first. Laughed loudly whenever the other messed up. The song switched. San could see how Wooyoung’s face fell in the mirror in front of them when the notorious song “The Eve” started to play. He just gave the other a smirk just as the chorus started and delivered the fatal blow in the choreo that made Wooyoung’s eyes so dark San thought he’d drown in them. The younger’s lips were on his within two seconds and San yelped in surprise when the tackle almost made them both fall over. It was hurried, close to painful as teeth almost clashed and noses brushed, but the older quickly placed his arms around his friend, pulling him in closer with a tilt of his head. A familiar fire lit in his body and he was gasping for air within seconds, feeling like he was drowning but welcomed the feeling - leaned into it and groaned with disappointment when Wooyoung suddenly took a step back, out of San’s arms and broke them apart. “We should fuck” Time seemed to freeze around them as soon as the words fell from Wooyoung’s lips and San had to take a few seconds, still a bit lightheaded from the kiss, while his brain was processing what just happened before he could react. He chuckled slightly, with a voice that seemed to think that his friend was joking. “What, like right here?” He asked, brows raised as he nodded towards the dirty dance floor and Wooyoung inhaled sharply, his chest shaking slightly while he did so. But he didn’t break out in a smile and San’s face fell. He fiddled with his shirt as he realized the situation. Opened his mouth to try and explain himself but Wooyoung interrupted. “I know that you’re just joking but yes, right here, if you want to. I don’t care anymore. I’m so sick and tired of waiting for the perfect time. I just want you to fuck me for so good, for so long that the only thing in my mind will be your hands on my body and the way you’ll sound when you’re inside of me” Wooyoung was breathless, almost gasping for air. The words he’d just said left him shocked and he could feel how his whole body flushed red when San’s mouth fell open. “I…” The older tried his hardest to form a sentence or even just a few words, any sort of words that would make sense. A few seconds passed. Neither of them moved a muscle. “I… won’t fuck you right here and now. I’ll treat you good. On a bed. With candles. All of that good stuff” San finally said and chewed on the inside of his cheek as his heart thumped in his chest and his stomach did somersaults. Wooyoung nodded slowly, knowing that for their own sakes, the floor of the dance studio was probably not the best place to get down on. A chuckle escaped San’s mouth as he pulled in the younger for a soft hug.

16:34

It was fifteen days before Wooyoung’s birthday. They had a fan sign in Suwon that day and nothing planned the day after. It took some negotiation and a few days of consideration and planning, but management finally agreed to let them spend the night alone in a nice hotel, even though the town they were going to be in was only 30 kilometres from Seoul. On two conditions that was - one; they had to pay everything out of their own pockets, food, the room, anything else that they wanted and two; three staff members would come with, to make sure that they weren’t going to get ambushed in case someone would recognise them.   So here they were. After the fan sign was over and the other members gave them all too knowing smirks and did suggestive hand gestures that quickly made their manager close the car door in case a photographer would be within distance. Wooyoung thought his heart would jump out of his chest when their manager held out their room key, gave them a sharp look and for a second they both feared that the furrowed brows was out of disappointment. “Boys. We know. We all know. Some disapprove but most of us are happy. We just want you to be careful” They both nodded, felt how the anxiousness in their bodies eased off and their manager just gave them a swift nod before he turned around to enter a room a few doors down. It was still only afternoon so they both decided to get something to eat. Watched some tv, played some games and tried to act normal. But there was a tense feeling in the air. Something that neither could shake off. They watched the sunset, fingers laced together and it almost felt like they were going to perform a ritual when Wooyoung closed the balcony door after them, moved the curtains to cover the windows and turned around just in time to see how San grabbed the hem of his shirt and pulled it over his head. He wet his lips, feeling nervous all of a sudden and not at all as pushy he’d been when he first requested that they’d sleep together. “We’re really doing this, huh?” He asked as San closed the distance between them with two quick steps. “We’re really doing this” His friend whispered back with a short nod and Wooyoung could see how his Adam’s apple bopped when he swallowed hard. The older looked up, unsure if he should proceed and Wooyoung nodded slightly, closed the last step between their bodies and grabbed the other’s hands before he put them on his hips. Felt how his heart raced in his chest when San’s warm hands sneaked under his shirt, grabbed the hem of it and pulled it over his head as well. Wooyoung bit his lip. He’d seen the other like this so many times, he thought he’d be used to it by now. But it still took his breath away. The way his friend was sculpted. The way those jeans he was wearing hugged his hips and legs. The way he took a shaky inhale of breath when Wooyoung admired his beauty. San blushed, looked away as the younger placed his hands on his thin waist, thumbs rubbing down the v shape of his hip bones. “I still can’t believe it” Wooyoung whispered, the disbelief mirrored in his voice as San locked his arms around his waist. “What?” The older asked, and Wooyoung shuddered slightly from the feeling of his hot breath on his face. “I can’t believe that you want me back. That the dream I’ve had for so long, long before I met you - to feel what I feel right now…” He looked up and met the other’s gaze, breath hitching as brown met brown and that gentle smile San only showed for him tore at the strings of his heart. He swallowed and sighed deeply, returned the smile and fought the emotions that bubbled in his chest and strained at his throat. “I couldn’t have said it better myself” San answered softly. His hands travelled up the younger’s chest and Wooyoung closed his eyes when he felt his friend cup his face. It started off as a gentle peck. Just lips pressed against each other. Over and over as their bodies flushed just as close. Belt buckles clanging against each other. The younger’s hands buried themselves in San’s hair. Tugged on the lighter shade that brushed against his neck while his friend’s hands travelled up his back, fingertips almost harshly caressed over the skin with a silent request, a need for more. San took a step back and Wooyoung followed, until the older’s legs hit the bed and they fell backwards in a surprisingly controlled fashion. San on his back now, with Wooyoung half draped over him. They separated, just for a second to snort out a small laugh at their own clumsiness before the younger moved to straddle his friend’s hips and the funny feeling that had paused their moment was blown away. San swallowed hard and his hands came to rest on the younger’s hips again. “I need you” Wooyoung whispered, out of breath and with a stomach that flipped nervously. Like the tiny butterflies that occupied it was fluttering upwards, making him choke on the feeling of his friend’s hard body between his legs. San gave him an almost pained expression, a wrinkle between his brows as his right hand came to rest on his friend’s cheek. Wooyoung closed his eyes again, inhaled deeply as he leaned into the soft touch. When their lips meet again, it was sweet. Gentle. But with an underlying craving, a greedy need for more. Delicate. But with a sense of immediate warmth as they pressed harder against each other. Like that invisible string that connected their bodies got shorter and shorter. Like the affection, the feeling of furious desire and agony that has been building up for so, so long was finally getting released into the air around them. Capsulated them in a time that seemed to slow down as they moved against each other. Coating their senses and sending the hormones that already covered their every action like a fine dust, into overdrive. The feeling spread through Wooyoung’s entire body and he could feel his heart sing with bliss. He arched his back, pressed down on the other, his appetite, the longing he felt simmering in his stomach grew in size with every short gasp of air he could manage to fit in between their lips. Craved more of the feeling that San painted him with, as he deepened the kiss with a small tilt of his head and coaxed Wooyoung’s lips open with a small push of the tip of his tongue. Craved more as the other tasted his lips with a flick of that wicked tongue and Wooyoung’s breath hitched as the ability to gain oxygen to seemed to disappear. His hands get tangled in San’s hair and he pulls on it hard, earning a low, dangerous groan from the other. San’s hands are on him, brushing down his chest, slipping his fingers under the edge of his pants. Pulling desperately on his belt buckle. Jolting Wooyoung’s entire body in the process as he almost violently unhooks it, barely letting the younger catch his breath before he undoes the button and pulled down the zipper in one swift moment. Wooyoung gasps again, lightheaded from the lack of oxygen and the other’s hands on his naked skin. He breaks away from the kiss quickly and raised himself up slightly to pull down the jeans over his thighs. San’s hands leave him for just a few seconds, to take off his own pants and when they finally just had that one last layer of clothing separating them, their eyes met again, and San watched him with that look. The one that made Wooyoung feel like he wanted to cry. Because everything he ever wanted, except for his dream to sing and dance until people would forget his name, was right here, right now. Breathing just as heavily as he was himself. “Can I…?” San asked, his voice broke slightly in the process as he taps on Wooyoung’s hips. The younger doesn’t answer. He don’t have to. They change position and Wooyoung can feel how nervous he really was when he slowly separate his legs. They had seen each other naked before. When taking a shower or nowadays, when they quickly mutually masturbated or just laid skin to skin because it was what they craved, what they needed, at the moment. He choked on his breath as San hooked his fingertips onto the edge and pulled down that final layer of clothes. Screwed his eyes shut as the other inhaled sharply when his cock sprung free, already rock hard and even though Wooyoung couldn't see, he could feel that the tip pressed onto the skin of his lower stomach. San groaned. Cursed under his breath. The younger carefully opened his eyes. Wet his lips and bit hard onto the lower one to keep a moan from slipping out between his lips as he watched his friend. Met those blown out dark eyes. A strand of hair fell over San’s eyes as he tilted his head to the side, as if he wanted to make sure that the vision in front of him was real by seeing it in another angle. A shaky breath shook his chest. “Come here” Wooyoung whispered and made grabby motions with his hands. He didn’t have to ask twice, and San smiled into the kiss as their lips met again. Smiled as Wooyoung’s breath hitched when he snapped his hips forward and thrusted his still clothed cock against the swell of the younger’s ass. San’s kisses travelled, down from the corner of Wooyoung’s lips, to his jaw. Placed sweet burning nibbles down his throat. Wooyoung’s blood was boiling and every quick heartbeat pumped it through his body until it felt like white hot flames licked at every millimetre of him. He couldn’t help but move, desperately craving some sort of release. Cock twitching against the older one’s lower stomach as they lay flush against each other and San swallowed hard from the feeling. Looked up from his position as his lips hovered over a hard, dark nipple and met the other’s eyes before he pressed a flat tongue over it, played with the bud and revelled in the gasp that fell from Wooyoung’s lips. Turned to the other while his hands stroked down the younger’s sides, hands splayed over the ribcage and another short gasp fell from Wooyoung’s lips as the possessive behaviour the other displayed made him immediately submit to the fire that burned as relentless fingertips bruised the thin skin across the bones that hid his vitals. Scorching kisses continued down his midriff, his belly and he choked on his breath again, hands twisting the sheet underneath him when San looked up at him again. Breath ghosting the tip of his cock and the younger trembled. Tried his hardest not to thrust up against the plump soft lips of the other. “Please, I… I need” Wooyoung could hear his voice break as he plead for the release that pricked his skin and left him breathless. A wrinkle appeared as the older raised his brows and a dangerous smirk took over that sinful mouth and Wooyoung suddenly understood what all the fans were talking about when they said that San looked possessed on stage, because that was exactly what he looked like now. With those eyes hooded into two crescents and it felt like Wooyoung looked directly into a solar eclipse because of how dark they were. He chewed on his cheek when the other opened his mouth, hands locked over Wooyoung’s hip bones to trap him against the bed as his tongue sneaked out to kitten lick at the beads of pre-cum that escaped the tip and stars exploded in the darkness behind the younger’s closed eyelids. A drawn-out curse fell from his mouth and he could almost hear how San chuckled before he repeated the action. Softly caressed the other's hipbones with his thumbs. “Look at me Woo” The older’s voice was so deep, so unlike the one he usually spoke with that Wooyoung wondered for a split second if his lover and best friend actually had been replaced with a demon at some time during their session. He reluctantly opened his eyes again, met the other’s eyes and could only whimper when those soft lips of the other’s closed around the head of his cock. “Hyung” The honorific fell from his lips before he could stop them and he swallowed hard when San met his eyes again, surprised, just as he hollowed his cheeks and took him even deeper. The wildfire, so bright and burning, both in San’s eyes and the feeling that exploded in the pit of his stomach made younger’s breath hitch again, and it felt like he was completely and uncompromising engulfed within the flames. His cock hit the back of other’s throat and San choked around him slightly, not used to the feeling as he focused on taking deep calming breaths through his nose. Wooyoung was moaning mess. Body desperately trashing as the muscles in his stomach constricted from the feeling of the other swallowing him down. The tight space that enveloped his cock made him gasp for air, but San held him still. Kept him from thrusting up in his mouth even further as he bobbed his head in his own pace. Humming to the taste of friend as he lapped the head again. Kept eye contact as he swallowed him down and Wooyoung was cursing, both at the way San was treating him and the fact that he was locked down, unable to move. He let go of the sheets, desperately needing some sort of control, some sort of way to be able to reach the finish line faster. San’s hair rippled between his fingertips as he combed through the strands, tugged on them slightly and watched as the other’s eyes rolled back just before he let his eyelids fall. San let go of the restriction he had on the other, at least a little. Allowed Wooyoung to push down his head further. Moaned with his mouth full when the tip of his nose nuzzled the others dark pubic hair and Wooyoung groaned loudly. Back arching and head thrown back against the pillows. Felt how that blinding release was within reach and he held out his hands, a white flag raised as he completely surrendered to the void, ready to fall backwards into the darkness. “Hyung. I… I’m gonna” And San, that bastard, let him go. A smirk on his lips as he wiped the saliva that had trickled down his chin and Wooyoung’s mouth fell open to protest against the pure audacity of his friend. He would’ve argued, if it wasn’t for the hand that immediately closed around the shaft of his cock again. The lazy strokes that followed made him shut up and San chuckled under his breath. “Be good, Woo and I’ll let you come” His breath hitched and he grinned widely at the words. “And if I’m not?” Wooyoung asked and regret the decision to speak against the other as the warm hand quickly left the snug place around his cock. He whined, with pouting lips and furrowed brows and San just shook his head with an ‘I told you so’ expression on his face. Wooyoung swallowed, eyes moving from the others face to the clear dent in his friend’s underwear and he felt a tinge of regret when he noticed the rather large wet spot on the front of them. “I can make up for the disobedience…” He said in the sweetest voice he could muster, and San met his eyes again just as he placed a cupped hand over the head of his friend’s cock and the older almost doubled over from the sudden jolt that ran through his body from the touch. Wooyoung licked his lower lip into his mouth to bite back a loud moan as San rested his forehead against his collarbone when the younger’s fingertips stroked him through the thin material. “Fuck, Woo” The older cursed and exhaled harshly against his friend’s neck, nibbling at the skin there before he managed a deep breath and raised himself up on one arm, enough to lock lips with Wooyoung again. This time, though, it was anything but gentle and the younger met his lips with his mouth open, tongues meeting before lips did and San whimpered, low and guttural as Wooyoung swallowed the taste of him. The need to control, a need that San would’ve never guessed he’d ever feel with the younger, came over him again like a cold shower again and he welcomed the feeling. Submitted to the darkness, the need to dominate. He grabbed his friend's hand firmly, the one that was currently playing with his cock softly, running his fingertips over the head and tipping his thumb into the slit over and over. “More” San groaned against his lips and Wooyoung obeyed, like he’d promised he would, and didn’t hesitate to close his hand around the other’s cock when San pulled the underwear down his thighs. The gasps that fell from San’s lips made him dizzy. He circled the tip with his thumb again, collected the beads of pre-cum there before he let his hand moves over the shaft, jerking him off hard and fast and San groaned deeply as he shuddered against him. “Sannie-ah… hyung… I-” He choked on his own spit, gasping when the older seemed to have read his thoughts. San leaned back, half sitting up, towering over the younger on his kneecaps with his toes digging into the mattress for support. Quickly glanced down and inhaled sharply as he let his gaze rest on the way Wooyoung tugged on his length. The way his cock flopped back against his belly button with every stroke as the younger loosed his grip slightly at the base. He opened his mouth, allowed some saliva to fall from his bottom lip and watched as the spit spread over his friend clasped hand, mixing with the pre-cum there. He heard how the younger groaned at the action and looked up to meet his eyes, drunk with ecstasy. High from the serotonin jumping through the nerve endings in his brain before sending the feeling of euphoria through his body. He reached out, pressed his fingertips against Wooyoung’s lips and his friend opened his mouth without a question. Closed his eyes as San pushed past his lips, coaxing him to coat the fingers properly with saliva before he removed them again. A warm hand softly separated his legs even further and Wooyoung looked away, his cheeks flushing when San reached for a pillow beside him before he gestured for the younger to raise his lower half so he could place it under his waist. The older flinched slightly when Wooyoung let go of his cock, already missing the feeling but knew that he had to stay focused if this would be comfortable for the both of them. “We’re idiots” San whispered and Wooyoung swallowed when he realised the same mistake. They missed two vital parts, condoms and more importantly, since they both were 100 % sure that they didn’t carry any diseases, lube. “I’ll be patient” The younger promised, heart in his throat as he separated his legs further. He braced himself for pain, even closed his eyes again, but the pain never came and when he opened his eyes again, San looked back at him with a big sigh. “You need to relax” The older said and was immediately met with a roll of the other’s eyes. “Choke on my dick and maybe I will. You’re not the one about the get fucked in the ass” San scoffed but did as the younger said without a heartbeat’s hesitation. The vibrations from the older’s chuckle when a silent scream fell from Wooyoung’s mouth as soon as his friend closes his lips around his cock again, just made everything even more intense. San reached up again, took a moment to his advantage and pressed his index and long fingers so far into the younger’s mouth that he could feel his oesophagus clench around his fingers. He chuckled again but was silenced as Wooyoung thrusted harshly upwards as revenge, and San’s eyes watered as the other’s cock almost painfully hit the back of his throat again. He removed his fingers, and while they were still coated in spit, circled Wooyoung’s hole, opened his eyes when the motion earned him a surprised gasp from the younger and took him so deep into his throat as he could in the same moment as he pushed in his finger. It was beautiful, even through the teasing and fucking around with each other they’d just done, to watch as Wooyoung lost it so… completely. San’s eyes teared up again, but this time it was because of a completely different reason than the pain that tore at his throat. Wooyoung writhed underneath him and San let the other’s cock fall from his mouth. Reached forward to lean over his friend. “San” Wooyoung whined, breathless as he opened his eyes again, fingers quickly entangled in the older’s hair as he pushed him down for another kiss. Lips falling open as San adds another finger, carefully scissoring them while pumping them in and out and Wooyoung choked on his breath every time the older tickled that bundle of nerves inside him with his fingertips that make stars dance in front of his eyes. They make eye contact, and Wooyoung can see his own reflection in the darkness of those eyes, sees the way he looks, all flushed pink with his mouth open, panting with his brows furrowed with concentration. He looks away, embarrassed but San doesn’t let him. He leans back, to keep his balance and place the hand that held him upright, on Wooyoung’s chin and even though the motion is careful he still forced his friend to meet his eyes again. “Look at me… You… You’re so beautiful it hurt and the way-” He paused to look down at the way his fingers are being swallowed by the other’s tight hole, over and over again. “Fuck, I-” “I… I can’t take it anymore, I’m ready” Wooyoung interrupts and San swallows hard, nods and spits in his hand before he gives his cock a few strokes. Makes sure to coat it as properly as he could with the means they had. Wooyoung’s heart thumped so hard he can hear it in his ears. He placed his legs around San hips, pulling him in closer by latching them together behind his back and San locks eyes with him again as he guides the tip of his cock against the other’s entrance. … It doesn’t necessarily hurt. The feeling is just… new… and San cursed loudly under his breath as he pushed in the head of his cock, already breathless as Wooyoung squirms to the uncomfortable feeling. “I know it’s not what you want to hear, but you need to relax Woo” San tries to say as he presses his forehead against the younger and Wooyoung gasps loudly when the other tries to move again. San placed a sweet kiss on the other’s lips. Tries to make him think of anything else than the intrusion feeling of the other’s cock pushing deeper and deeper into him. It helps. The feeling of San’s lips moving against his as the older bottoms out inside of him and Wooyoung can only moan out when his fingers close around his cock, pulling at the length while San tries his hardest not to move another muscle until the younger says it’s ok. He blinks away the tears in his eyes as Wooyoung constrict around him, getting more and more used to the feeling of being filled up. “You’re doing so good, baby” San swallows hard and moans as he feel how Wooyoung’s hand brushes against his stomach when he jerk himself off to take his mind off San’s cock twitching inside him. An agonising moment pass and even though it feels like five minutes, no more than thirty seconds has probably passed. “You can move now” He starts out slow, head falling back when the first jolt of his hips rocks the younger’s body. Indulge in the way Wooyoung sound when the tip of his cock nudges against his prostate. Loved the way Wooyoung looks up at him, eyes drunk and hooded as he lazily stroke the underside of his cock to the pace that San has set. Moaned loudly when he picked up the speed and Wooyoung’s eyes fall back as his back arches from the pleasure that shoots up his spine. Cursed even louder when his best friend, his lover, spreads his legs even wider and places them on his shoulders instead and San sinks lower into him than before. The younger is a mess underneath him. Groaning and cursing under his breath with his arms thrown over his head, cock flopping against his lower stomach now with every thrust San moves his body with, too scared that he’ll come too fast if he keeps touching himself. He holds onto the pillow his head in resting on, swallows hard as San grips onto his hips, moving his whole body down to impale him on his cock as he jolted his hips forward to meet them. “Are you close Wooyoungie?” San’s voice is laboured, and he breathes hard with the question and Wooyoung opens his mouth to answer but realise that no words come out, so he settle with just nodding shortly. So close now that he only needs to take a step backwards and he’d fall into the abyss. He reaches out, place his hand in the softness of the others hair in the back of his neck and San’s whimper is muffled by Wooyoung’s lips as they press their lips together. It’s hungry, without control and less of a kiss than just the need to taste each other. Wooyoung clenches around him. It’s totally without his control and only because the sudden closeness between them caused the lower part of their bodies to rub against each other. Stuck between two clenching stomach was the younger’s neglected cock and the pleasure that shot through Wooyoung with the friction caused him to clench. But it was enough to send San toppling over and just like that, he paused, breath hitching as his eyes rolled back and Wooyoung gasped with realisation as the other’s cock twitched inside him, painting his insides with ribbons of warm cum. He shuddered, arching his whole body to the satisfying feeling and San wasted no time, not even down from his high before he started to move again, closed one secure hand over Wooyoung’s cock and locked their lips together again. Taking away his friend’s ability to breathe completely. Wooyoung fell not shortly after, not able to continue holding on as the other squeezed just right around his cock. San gasped at the sight, choking on his breath for probably the hundredth time as Wooyoung flinched when the overstimulation kicked it. The older pulled out slowly and then they lay there, tangled in a sweaty, nasty smelling mess but happier than they have ever been. San held onto him, his Wooyoung and smiled while placing a kiss on his forehead. The younger placed a hand on the other’s cheek and couldn’t help but smile back when his friend leaned into the touch, wondering for a moment, while San’s eyes were closed and Wooyoung’s heart was so full he thought it would burst. What did I ever do to deserve you?

--- San considered himself a free spirit, a traveller in many ways than just going from place to place. Ever since he was just a child, growing up with a dream too big for the small town he was born in. Always willing to risk looking like a fool- for love- for his dreams- for the adventure of being alive. Always with one eye at the stars in the sky, aiming for them- letting them guide him as he got older. Always with a compass in one hand and a microphone in the other, until he met Wooyoung, and everything changed. San considered himself a passenger, an adventurer on the go, but never with a home. He found comfort in the place he was born in. The house he grew up from boy to a teenager with a dream, with his biological family. The dorm he grew up from a teenager to a man with that dream slowly getting realized, with the family he’d earned from the choice he’d made. But he was never content, always on the go, always ready to move on. Time passed and he found himself dropping the tight hold of that compass of his more often. Found himself less keen on picking it up again whenever he met his best friend’s eyes. Found himself not caring if it got lost, until that one day, on the 10th of July, when the compass disappeared completely- the very moment Wooyoung closed that last millimetre of distance between them and pressed his lips against San’s own. San considered himself an explorer, always ready to find the next party, the next place he could wreck with the energy that bounced off him like waves. Always ready to be the life of that next party. The mood maker. Always ready to bend himself backwards for the pleasure to rejoice among people. For everyone else to place a liking in him. Time passed again and he found himself suddenly not caring what anyone else thought, as long as those bleached blonde locks were the only thing that captivated his vision. Those dark eyes. That smile. That laugh. That body. That warmth that embraced him when he woke up crying in the middle of the night. That love that filled him up until he was gasping because everything Wooyoung did made him lose his breath in the best way possible. And then that day happened, on the 26th of November, when everything fell into place. When Wooyoung laced their fingers together as they looked up on the same stars that San used to look up upon when he dreamed of the future outside the house, he grew up in. When Wooyoung met his eyes and San saw stars in them too, mixed with the dark brown, behind even darker lashes. Half covered by the light, soft hair of his. When Wooyoung swallowed hard and squeezed San’s hand. When Wooyoung sighed deeply, smiled with that smile he only saved for his best friend. “I know that you know. But I just need to say it once” And San knew that he could stop traveling. He didn’t need a compass anymore. Didn’t need to use the stars as a guide to find the right path anymore. Didn’t need anyone else than the person in front of him. “I love you” Because his home was right there, holding his hand, promising with those burning words that he’d never let go.

I love you too

"Hahaha. A friend pointed this out. W online shops too!" What does this even mean?! I don't know anyone in 2020 who doesn't online shop besides my 80 year old grandparents because they refuse to learn how to use a computer 😂 I don't get how Will, a 30 something year old man, online shopping is worthy enough for Abby to comment on it. I'm sure Chris does it too. And Darren.

On Nov 5, Darren wrote this post and the cc fandom lost their shit.    

They decided that organizing 10 costumes for multiple events in two different states for two different people was not worthy of acknowledgment- especially since they wore several purchased costumes. They spent the next 30-ish days mocking her “online shopping skills” like the petty idiots they are and now they bring it up two months later. 

Anonymous asked: this is funny, C posted a photo of beard, D posted photos with the beard. Almost like they were sitting next to each other and saying “ok ok I will say this”

ajw720 answered: The only difference, C controls his SM and the bearding, D does not, but they knew the Halloween post was coming when C posted his belated b-day wishes (not that he acknowledged they were late).  

It really is, if you can remove the very human, tragic element, like a script for a really bad D Movie.  C posts “Happy Birthday, Babe!” a day after the man’s actual b-day and “D” praises his fake bride for MAKING TEN costumes.  Sure praise her if she actually designed them and sat with her sewing machine.  No, she went online and ordered things (I doubt she even went to a store).   And 3 couple costumes were cheap frankly.  The only thought was how narcissistic she could be in their execution (as @flowersintheattic254pointed out even the Mario costume had  a reason, it was a reminder of Japan and the fake encagement by referring to the ad that paid for their trip there).

And seriously how are people not questioning that she spent the entirety of her month picking TEN costumes?  Who has time for this?  I know, i know, a person whose only role in life is to play fake plus one.

I am just so tired by D in particular being utterly dragged down by the useless dead weight by his side and his team’s sole ambition to promote her and make her sound like a decent person.  

If they wanted to praise her, maybe they should have forced her to participate in the zero waste initiative instead of sitting drinking by the pool or have her volunteer to help young girls who have been kicked out of their homes, or have been raped.  Or pick any cause and truly volunteer her time to promote it.  If she is not going to actually get a job and pursue a career, please force her to do something that is actually of value and contribute something good to the world. But to praise her for picking TEN costumes?  

Praise that comes from a man who this year alone won three awards, is starring in a show he created and wrote the music for, has his first big movie premiere this week, is exec producer and star of a huge show on N/etflix, just announced his starring role with 2 A++ lists actors next spring on Broadway, celebrated the 5th anniversary of the festival he created, volunteered his time for the zero waste initiative, performed at several charity events, and was just yesterday name limited series actor of the decade.  Where is the praise for him from his “bride”?  He at least deserves it.

How do they not see how ridiculous it is for someone with D’s accomplishments in 2019 alone praise a person for purchasing TEN costumes for Halloween?  And stans, how do you accept that this is right or normal.  You really know nothing about him and have such little respect for him as a person if you continue to accept the character his idiotic team has created on his behalf.  It is so far from the person he is and that he generally holds himself out to be when given the opportunity.  

This isn’t about being a “gay fetishist” or “hating woman” this is about wanting for D to be fairly and accurately represented and no longer forced to participate in this stupid, life sucking game to promote a person that contributes absolutely nothing to the world.  If you want to have a strong female role model, there are so many, i’ve talked about a few in the past few days (thus far Nancy, Lea, and Phoebe) and will continue to do so, but please stop worshiping a person whose sole reason you are speaking about her is her connection to D, even if you refuse to accept it is fake.  

klainecentric Finished reading the funniest ig story of the day, the qween being praised for sitting in front of either a sewing machine or computer...bravo your majesty qween....your my hero well done.👏👏. And all I can think of is how irrelevant the statement D made about being an emotional horder, being a very private person and finally D saying he's lazy when it comes to social media, I'm internally screaming in frustration because yeah we know D wouldn't have written a post praising that lazy good for nothing waste of space but he's coming across as a lier and it's extremely damaging to his character as a person. I absolutely hate lying and every time another "private" moment is posted to the world is another small piece that's chipped away from what D has originally stated about privacy. PBB, nobody cares about your cheap arse highly flammable costumes you buy online, did you forget about your piano baby adult strip club. I'm sure there are still plenty of people out there you can hire to rub and flaunt their flanges all over the beer taps, why don't you keep busy on that instead. If you want to make costumes, I'm sure you can sew some mighty fine titty tassels together. It'll be cheap nasty, sound familiar.

souly So, let me get this straight. We should all praise a person for going online, looking up different costumes in online stores, putting those in their shopping basket and hitting “buy”? Because I do that at least once a week with other stuff. Do I get praised for that now? Pretty please? I’m doing good work there and buy a lot of stuff, therefore I must be the best person ever!

notes-from-nowhere You’re my Queen. Please, love me.

souly

(I think I got it right. I’m getting the hang of what said person is doing. Wheee! ;))

notes-from-nowhere You nailed it 🤣

ajw720 Yesterday I got a delivery of car food. And instead of his usual seafood mix up greats, I got him shrimp flavor. I’m awesome!!!!!

souly Oh, hey! I think we should all take pictures of whatever we bought online during the week or month and make individual posts on all of our social media accounts about it. Because, you know…

cassie1022 I picked up stuff I ordered online at Target and PetSmart. Does that count? Should I receive accolades because my cat will have fresh litter to do her business on?

souly Only if you post the pictures to prove it! ;)

ajw720 As soon as I get home. Pictures forthcoming. Shrimp cat treats and I also got a burgundy blanket for my new comforter!!! Life goals!!!!!!!!!!!

souly Okay, so, let’s see… What did I buy online during the past month that can be shared as pictures? Some things are gifts, so I obviously can’t post anything about those yet. But I think these here are safe.

Let’s start with one of my fav new shirts. (Excuse the grainy quality. I had to quickly edit it for privacy reasons. :p And yes, that’s a butterfly mirror.)

The rest are behind the cut to save your dash from drowning in too many pictures. ;)

cheekyface72 You’re my queen from now on…

ajw720 I think emmy/sag/gg/CC winner DC should write a post @soulypraising your awesome, amazing, unparalleled online shopping skills!  You earned that praise.  That cat toy is particularly spectacular.

*********************

Just A Taste of M’s Amazing Online Shopping Skills that are worthy of such Praise

ajw720

Super Mario with inflatable Dragon $54.66 (x)

Princess Peach $78.99 (x)

chrisdarebashfulsmiles. i can’t

flowersintheattic254. When you add the fact that the wedding was sponsored so heavily, and her history of outfits I think it shows Mi@rren is something that’s always been done very much ‘on the cheap’.

From work vacays (honeymoon included), RC ‘glue gun’ looks, thrift shoes and subsidized weddings.

It’s BUDGET BEARDING!!!

leka-1998. It’s not worth more than this, that’s for sure.

notes-from-nowhere  We are so ungrateful. She worked hard to find the gloves.

I bet she had to click on another link to find them. She deserves another accolade.

ajw720 @flowersintheattic254 Budget Bearding!  I LOVE It! (and something tells me D’s SW costume in particular was far cheaper than either of these).

souly That Snow White dress can be found for about $25 in a ton of online shops. I stumbled upon it even before Halloween way too many times. 😂

@notes-from-nowhere The plush question mark block can be found in a couple online stores like this one. She simply glued it onto some gloves - or asked L to do it with that glue gun of hers.

flowersintheattic254 Well funnily enough I think we may have confirmation that 🚽🚽 glued on the puppies so I guess YES to the question mark block too!!!

cassie1022 They can’t even glue things properly. Why am I not surprised?

leka-1998

SW

So, so amazing. Bow to the kween and her not so helpful helper.

************************************

There are lots more...I figured enough of your brain cells died reading the ones I posted.  On Nov 30 she is STiLL bringing it up”

Anonymous asked:

Whenever I see miarren gifset they always use the same quote underneath (the rolling the windows down quote) and at first I rolled my eyes and thought uh not that quote again, and I can't believe it took me this long to realise it's because there is literally no other quote that can be construed as loving. You can hardly put down "she's a big girl" whenever you make a set of gifs with M beaming and D looking like someone murdered the dog he's allergic to.

ajw720: And I love the Emmy quote as it was an absolute reference to his character who was a psychopath. Pretty telling if you ask me. But that reference is over their heads.

And pretty much the only one. Guess saying he’s a ball and chain kind of guy isn’t romantic. They can’t even take pooping exes as he clearly steered the conversation away from her. Lovely lady of many moons? Nah she sounds like a stranger. Saying nothing changes after marriage? Sounds boring. It’s a struggle. But hey she’s an excellent online shopper that he done got hitched to!!!

i Also don't know ur OCs but: 1, 4, 5, 8, 15, 22, 23, 24, 25, 33, 42, 50, 54, 56, 61, 73, and 78 please? -drunkmiraak

[[LKdghlkj sorry this took so long!! I got super sick so it sat half-done in my drafts for 84 years. @drunkmiraak]]

Oh boy oh boy oh boy!

So, while I’ve got half a billion OCs by technicality, my main idiot is Azaryne Redoran who takes the role of the Vestige in the ESO story I write with @sinnaroll by the name of Soulbound. (Ima also just casually pass on these questions for her to answer in reply for D'tannen, who is the other main character in this thingy so you can get to know him too!)

Thank you so much for asking!! Here we gooooo~!

1. What is/are your OC’s nickname(s) and how did it come about?

Az’s main nickname is the self-explanatory name shortening from “Azaryne” to “Az”. But D'tannen has kinda stuck on jabbing him with “pretty boy” to the point where it’s basically a nickname lol 

Also, in-game plot reasons dictate that the Five Companions also know him by “Vestige”, much to his dismay. It’s what the Scrolls named him by, so the Prophet tends to slip and refer to him that way, and the others kinda do too by proxy for a while. However, after Az makes it clear that he’s really uncomfortable with it, Lyris and Sai specifically make a point not to call him that.

4. What is a noticeable physical attribute of your OC?

So I memed twice earlier before I got to these questions lasdgkh gomen, but my goofier answers are Dorito Shape and Resting Trouble Face

But more seriously, one of his major notable physical features is that he’s pretty much covered in tattoos from his neck down past his waist and starting down his legs. They’re being redesigned from scratch right now because I can’t ever allow myself to have characters that can be adequately represented in game i guess lmfao but here’s the in-game tattoos with some photo-editing for an earlier visual draft on where they might cut off—

It’s a total personal headcanon but I decided that since the in-game body marking style was pretty clearly influenced by Maori-style kiriituhi, that Az’s tattoos are also highly significant in a similar way. Each piece symbolizes or connects to either his ancestry, or his own life and skills and milestones. His designs weren’t finished, but have the indication of where they were meant to continue as he hit new points in his life. Unfortunately, since his life was cut so short, that’s as far as they ever get.

On a lighter note, he also has pretty big ears?? Lmao

5. What does your OC normally wear? What would your OC wear on a special night?

He likes clothes that are comfortable but flattering. He knows what his assets are and enjoys looking well-dressed – a bit of a remnant from his previous life as a noble. 

He tends to favor sleeveless tops and cool-colored fabrics with neutral accents. He particularly likes blues of all shades, and some purples. He’ll also occasionally wear red. On his travels he wears leather armor that fits within these features, and notably has a Khajiiti-style jack because he liked the aesthetic of it when he saw the style in a tailor’s display. 

When he’s dressing up, he’ll wear more flowing robe-like attire. He had more reason to do so while he was alive, and at the time it was usually specifically Dunmeri cultural clothing. Over the course of Soulbound, he only dresses up the once so far for a date with Sinna. That takes place in Orsinium, so it’s Orcish formal wear. 

Even if the situation’s not a fancy one, though, he’ll usually still wear kohl eyeshadow, which D’tannen gives him shit for, of course lol.

8. How does your OC talk/what does your OC’s voice sound like?

Az’s voice is light, crisp, warm and friendly. It’s between tenor and baritone in range, and the expected Dunmeri accent. He’s well spoken, and you can tell he’s well educated, but his phrasing isn’t snobbish or condescending, and there’s a firm sort of sincerity to his speech, even when he’s being playful.

15. What was your OC’s childhood like?

Az’s childhood was a little complicated in that it came with a great deal of privilege, but also a great deal of expectation. He was noble-born— the eldest son of House Redoran’s Archmaster— so before he was even old enough to have an awareness of the world, his parents had already decided many things about his future. 

In spite of both this and the constant pressure of the Redoran philosophy that “a light, careless life is not worth living”, Az had an untamable spirit that continuously tried his parents’ patience. As a child, his impulsivity, tendency to bend the rules, and headstrong defiance on points he fundamentally disagreed with led to frequent discipline, and a particularly strained relationship with his father.

Over time, he begrudgingly learned to play by the rules, but would still disappear from time to time for brief moments of freedom. 

He had two younger siblings— Eralane and Meril, and they had very close and loving relationships with each other. Az always did his bes to see right by them, so they felt safe in knowing that he would always have their backs. They didn’t ever keep much from him, as a result, and Meril specifically often looked up to him as a role model.

By the time he was fourteen, he’d been arranged into a political betrothal to solidify clan relations within the House, and it was decided that the two would be married in 16 years when they were both fully grown adults. Neither he nor his intended fiancée were really comfortable with this, but even as young as they were, they knew it was a sticky situation far bigger than just the two of them. So, they quickly established that, future aside, they didn’t feel entitled to each other’s feelings. They would both rather have a straightforward, honest friendship than try to force things between them. 

Because of this, there was no tension when other chemistries developed in later years. Instead, they continued to ignore their inevitable marriage, and turned their performative date nights into formally-dressed vent and gossip sessions. Using the expectations put upon them to their advantage as they got older, they also happily became each other’s alibi when either of them needed time away with other people.

22. Who is/are your OC’s closest friend(s)?

Since arriving back on Tamriel, he’s been shuffling company a lot on his journeys. He’s also pretty introverted, despite being fairly socially adept. He doesn’t have any real connections from his previous life anymore, but has met many people and made casual friends and positive acquaintances with a solid chunk of new ones.

In terms of more serious friendships, D’tannen is honestly the closest, which is kind of incredible honestly laksdhg. But, they travel with each other day in and day out, so there’s a tight bond there that’s developing fast.

He’s also particularly attached to Irvane, who was his first friend since coming back to Nirn.

23. Who are the people your OC surrounds him/herself with?

Along the same lines as I just said above, he’s never in one place for very long right now, so he is constantly around new people. His kind heart and need for hands-on activity means he tends to gravitate toward people he can help in some way or another. His empathy and sense of honor do most of the weeding. He’d rather be around someone who has shown good intentions, even if they are rough around the edges, than someone who rests on the laurels of past deeds and judges others against themselves.

24. Who are the people your OC dislikes/hates?

It’s pretty damn hard to make this list, at least if you have any sort of good bone in your body. He’s really very empathetic and patient, and will forgive so quickly once he feels amends have been made that it’s honestly gotten him into trouble.

But, even with that said, he’s got some strong resentments for some strong reasons… Notably: Mannimarco and his Worm Cult, ol’ Molag Bal himself, and pretty much anyone who allies with them… Malacus is another name that quickly finds its way on the list under “kill unflinchingly” as he becomes closer with D’tannen.  

25. If your OC has a soulmate, who is it?

oh my god im so sorry this joke is just right here its too easy to grab i can’t help myself – 

Doesn’t a soulmate require… a soul…? 

33. What subjects interested your OC?

He’s always done whittling as a hobby, so he’s currently kinda advancing on that in woodcarving. Since he was also trained in maintaining and repairing his own weapons and armor in life, that’s carried over into an interest in actually crafting weapons on his own. He does wind up making his own bow way later on, and even spends a bit of time with the Morkul Orcs in the Orsinium arc learning to do some metalwork.

42. What makes your OC happy?

He’s very attached to his dog Blackjack, and the mutt can always seem to pick him up when he’s otherwise faltering. He loves whittling and tends to carve little objects to occupy his mind. Complicatedly, D’tannen makes him happy as well, lol. 

He also tends to have moments where he finds happiness in specific things, but the emotion related feels strange or misplaced. When this happens, it’s usually because whatever he’s experiencing— a particular sight or smell or flavor— is something that ties directly to a positive memory he’s lost from his life before. A sort of unwitting-nostalgia that’s hard to pinpoint or replicate.

As a general rule, he’s pretty easily contented. He lives very much in the moment, which combined with his adaptability and natural optimism, means that he’s usually able to find some small spark of cheer for himself anywhere he goes. He’s always wanted the freedom of life as an adventurer, so if circumstances were different, this would honestly be an ideal life for him. However, it’s pretty dampened by the stress of current events, along with the nagging restless and hollow feeling of having lost his soul.

50. What secrets does your OC have?

This is a bit of a tricky one. He’s not a super open person, but he also doesn’t like to lie to cover things up. However, there are many things about his life at present that he finds he has to dance around giving knowledge of. In some ways, the very nature of his current existence is something he keeps tucked away. It’s not very easy to explain to anyone, so he’s grateful that for the majority of the people he interacts with, direct questions never really come up.

In the second act of Soulbound, however, after he becomes very close with Sinna, Sinna asks him directly for his story. He dodges it for quite some time before finally giving him the details, but he’s kind of nervous at that point to state it. He doesn’t know how Sinna might react. But, he lays it out on the table anyway: He’s not truly alive. He’s what remained of himself after he was sacrificed by cultists to Molag Bal. His soul was stolen, and he has only vague pieces of memories from when he lived. And now, he’s been prophesied to assist in stopping a daedric invasion. 

Sinna’s response was heartfelt. But, nobody could blame him for the fact that all he could manage for a brief moment after listening was “Wild….”

54. Does your OC think with his/her head or heart?

Heart… His upbringing tried its best to instill an ability to detach for the sake of duty, but honestly, he’s never been able to. Even when he knows there’s no way he can avoid a difficult situation, and is able to approach it tactically, emotion will be gnawing at him all the while, and he’ll be completely staunch on the things he believes the most if those interfere with the “logical” course of action.

56. What are some of your OC’s strengths?

He’s honestly got a wide range of skills in a lot of ways. He’s a highly skilled archer, and has a very well-rounded set of combat and survival skills that have been hardwired into him since a very young age. He’s also got a great sense of aesthetics, which he likes to express in woodworking and whittling when he can. He’s intelligent, but a lot of his skill specifically in emotional/social intelligence comes from his powerful empathy, and how dramatic swings of circumstances in his life have given him many perspectives to draw from, even subconsciously through the massive amnesia he struggles with. He’s incredibly adaptable. He’s intensely loyal, courageous, and firmly optimistic even through the worst circumstances. He’s got an incredibly strong character to him, and it tends to be both charming and inspiring, even when he doesn’t recognize that he’s producing these effects himself.

61. What is the general impression your OC gives other people?

Honest. Empathetic and selfless. Good-natured, down to earth, and a bit wild-spirited. Patient, incredibly forgiving. Helpful. Playfully charming. A protector. A defender of good.

73. What is your OC’s favorite form of entertainment?

He likes art, stories, nature, animals, and adventure. Crafting from time to time as well.

78. What is your OC’s favorite time of day?

Late morning. The point in the day when you’re up and awake and setting off. The whole day lies in wait before you, and you’re ready to meet it

A Bunch of Good Things from 2019

*I don’t do things consistently, so there’s chunks of time I just forgot to write. So the blank spaces are days where I could not recall the exact good things that happened.*

January 1: Started the year off right by hanging out with @nah-young, eating some delicious leftovers from New Year’s Eve and working on a puzzle. Also caught a shiny Delibird in Pokemon Go as the first catch of the year.  2: Had a headache at work, but went home to take care of myself. Dad and I talked for a long time about money and taxes without arguing. I have also discovered a future hobby I want to get into: 3D printing. 3: I cranked out four solid hours of studying. I’m going to ace the Auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel it in my bones (especially when I finally stood up and stretched). 4: My ‘other mom’ (one of my best friend’s mom) took me out for a belated Birthday lunch to our favorite Thai food place, and I enjoyed more mango sticky rice. It’s one of my new favorite desserts. 5: Did some epic New Year cleaning. Caught up on laundry, filed away my 2018 paperwork, and did some 2019 taxes. Finally on top of things! 6: A puzzle day! I connected a big piece of the sky to the side on the Lion King puzzle. I’ve still got a lot to go, but progress is being made. 7: As usual, I both surprised and pleased the teller at the bank when I moved some money from savings into my IRA. They wanted to know if it was for tax year 2018, but I could tell them last year was maxed out and it was for 2019. 8: Got to practice my training and supervising skills with @arrowhearts.  9: Spent the night at Lucy’s (she’s a cat). She’s the sweetest cat though, and was cuddling in my lap for so long! She even held my finger with her paw for like ten minutes. I love her. 10: It’s been forever, but I finally sat down and played some video games. I’m replaying Arkham Asylum again and really just exploring every nook and cranny I can find. 11: Might have started a new Francis story line ... Whoops :) 12: Helped Jane clear an apartment and acquired many new tools and art supplies to use. 13: Snow! It was snowing before bed, but I still woke up at 5 am to about 4 - 5 inches. Activated my dad gene and started shoveling at 5:30 am (sorry neighbors to the house I was dog sitting at). It’s so pretty out! 14: A quiet day, but I did some work for Jane and gamed some more. Can’t wait to start Arkham City when I get 100% on Arkham Asylum! 15: I took my coworker a basket of fun snacks from Lotte for her Birthday. She’s so excited to try them all! 16: Donated blood today and when I went to get dinner on the way home, I got a free salad! The entree was already free and I ordered a side salad. I pulled out my wallet to pay, but the coupon covered it, too!  17: Treated myself to breakfast on the way into preschool (my new volunteer place since the teacher I followed to several elementary schools is now at). Also ate some amazing home cooked food for lunch with @nah-young before going out for ice cream. 18: Did some very early spring cleaning to prep for my next yard sale and straighten up a bit. 19: Beat the storyline and finished gathering all of Riddler’s trophies in Arkham Asylum. I do still need to finish up the additional content for 100% completion. 20: Working with Jane to help clean out an apartment again and got stencils to use for my art (the ones with shapes of different sizes). I had wanted to get me a set, so I really lucked out. 21: Started reading a book for fun. Lol, I forgot that I can still read non-accounting things for fun. 22: Sent out 1099s at work. It’s always a dreaded part of the year, but it’s taken care of! 23: I started uploading my old Franmouche stories to AO3. I forgot that I’d written 185 pages of them. At least if someone else likes my rarepair, they have lots to read. No guarantees on the quality, but there is quantity. 24: Made fun penguin cutouts for the preschool class I volunteer at. Then studied for nine hours on campus. A busy, yet productive day. 25:  Finished watching all my lectures for the next portion of the CPA exam! So much auditing knowledge!!! 26: Panic alleviated. My check engine light had been on for a few days. Usually it’s just a gas cap issue so I was worried, but after readjusting the cap again (which usually fixes it) and an oil change, the light went out! 27: Played some Pokemon Go for four hours with @arrowhearts and Lyla. No Kyogre, but at least we each got a Groudon. Plus, the weather was beautiful for this time of year. 28: I found a dollar today while sweeping the parking lots with my dad! I’m gonna be riding this wave for a week. (Fun fact: my dad and I used to go bike riding on Sunday afternoons/evenings in the local parking garages and look for pennies. We’d always get bragging rights when we found a quarter or more. We still get excited and tell each other of the day’s finds when we find a few coins while we’re sweeping). 29: Had a bit of a headache, but managed to get through it so I could finish the workday. Then I get some well deserved rest. 30: Met up with @nah-young for some fries and ice cream! 31: My annual physical went well! Took care of a couple test we’ve been putting off, too, and they weren’t quite as bad as I thought they’d be.

February

1: I had such a productive day in the office, even for a Friday. Special thanks to @arrowhearts for helping me move all (24  years worth) of our files. 2: Started off the day a little rough and feeling low, but I decided to go up to campus, and I’m so glad I did. I was able to help a bunch of people get to their destination. Also hung out with @nah-young and @arrowhearts in a sketchy room. 3: Technically today (starting at 1 am). Had a great talk with @nah-young about a lot of things including our friendship. Successfully avoided the Super Bowl (which I heard sucked, so that was a good use of my time). 4: Had a really good conversation with my dad for almost an hour. We had some fights earlier in the year, but it was nice to be able to connect some. 5: It’ll be silly to look back on, but I thought I lost a reference letter for a scholarship applicant, but realized I could find it on our shared drive. Such a relief! 6: I tried Duck Donuts for the first time today. One of our board members brought me and a coworker a half dozen each. 7: Caught a Miltank in Pokemon Go! I thought I missed my chance, but there was a special running, so I got it. 8: Just heard we got a new boss at work, so it’ll be nice to be full staffed again. 9: Started working on a painting for @arrowhearts. It might be my first completed artwork of the year. 10: A lazy day, but I flipped through a book on home decorating. You know, to plan for my future house. 11: Officially started working for Jane’s business. We’ll see how it goes, but at least it’s an extra couple of hours per week. 12: Finished a dog sitting job, and I’m super thankful to be sleeping in my own bed again. 13: I gave Lucy, the sweetest cat ever, a piggyback ride and it was the cutest thing ever. I was on my knees and forearms trying to get Lucy to boop my nose when she just climbed on my back and sat down. I rose up on my knees and hands and she did the “i’m not so sure but I’m going to stay here” stand and let me crawl across the floor a while before finally jumping off. I love this cat. 14: Took the auditing section of the CPA exam. I feel much better about this one than I have about the other two. We’ll see on the 26th. 15: Such a busy day at the office! It was productive, but just a lot of work. 16: Even though I just too the other exam, I managed to get a lot of studying done. 17: Mamaw and I got to chat and work on the puzzle for a while. It was nice to hang out with her since I haven’t done son in quite a while. 18: We had some really good food at our investment club meeting today. Sheppard’s pie (like meat and mashed potatoes), salad, this great cracker dip (I have no other details other than feels like sharp cheddar finally shredded with a hint of spice in some sort of sauce). 19: Our new executive director started today. I think I made a pretty good first impression! 20: Started playing Arkham City again. We had a snow day and even my office closed, so I made the most of my day. 21: Lol and today I finished the main storyline of Arkham City. Accidentally, because I was doing side quests, but Batman got mad when I tried to go finish some before the last mission. 24: I am obsessed with Excel, but I figured out a formula so that it would total certain categories even if they weren’t in order. Plus I learned how to make a drop down menu (on two versions of Excel). Guess who’s budget looks beautiful! 25: I caught a Latias in Pokemon Go. Not having much luck with the water legendaries. I wonder if they don’t like me because we picked the grass starter. 26: I passed the Auditing section! (and instead of keeping it quiet, I made a point to tell some people). Then @nah-young and I went to dinner to celebrate our successes of the day and just have a nice chat. 27: Good news: I starved off a migraine that was starting on Feb 26. Maybe this new method will help them from getting bad. Just took an Aleve with some hot tea. 28: Went on a Pokemon run, and I found $20 blowing across the yard when I got home! A nice find for the year.

March 1: I’ve been really getting into “Ghost Story” by Peter Straub and had so much time to just sit and read while it rained. 2: I watched “Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse” today. An epic movie and I highly recommend it! I also have several new costume ideas... 3: Officially started working on my Library Comic Con cosplay. There’s not much to show, but it was nice to start costuming again. 4: Hiked up to the nearby bubble tea. It was good! I got a mango green tea creama. Next time I know I have to mix it up before I start drinking it. 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: Started replaying Castlevania IV. It’s been a while since I beat it, so hopefully I can still finish it! 11: I have proven myself an Excel deity. Well, at least Jane thinks though. She needed a spreadsheet for something and had some ideas so I whipped it out in five minutes flat with a bunch of formulas she didn’t even know were possible. I’m quite proud of it. 12: Lol, speaking of excel, I was geeking out over my budget with one of our board members. She was showing me how she built her itinerary in excel for her next trip and I got to show off my budget. 13: 14: 15: It was fake St. Patrick’s day at work, so I got to show off my green Riddler suit. Apart from being mistaken as dressing like a leprechaun a few times, I received a bunch of compliments on it. I’ve gotten a lot of use out of that suit jacket. 16: Tagged along with @nah-young to her grandfather’s birthday party and watched Bohemian Rhapsody. Apart from the timeline inaccuracies, I really enjoyed it! Look at that: two new movies in one month. 17: First big leaf job of the season. I guess the first major landscaping job. Dad helped out, so it made life easier. 18: Investment club meeting went well, and I ended up staying late to chat and help clean up, but it was enjoyable. Also had some great tiramisu from Trader Joe’s. 19: 20: 21: It was a downpour today, but I also made a 20 minute Costco run. Parking was great, the lines were short, and I managed to balance everything without a cart. Success! 22: Finally got around to doing invoices. It’s such a weight off my chest to take care of them. 23: I had the house to myself, so got ample studying done, played some pokemon, and treated myself to some bubble tea. Got myself a bunch of good pokes from Community day. 24: Another lovely day to sit and hang out with @nah-young. I always enjoy our hour long conversations just sitting in my car in her driveway. I also finished the lectures for the BEC portion of the CPA exam. 25: I found a gift card loaded with $30 today. It had been thrown into the dumpster, so a little gross, but it washed off nicely. 26: Ran up to the local library to turn in my books (look @arrowhearts, I did it the day before they were due and didn’t have to make a midnight run). I wasn’t going to check out more books since I already had some checked out from another library visit (I go to many branches due to my job and often check out a book or two, resulting in cycles of books due at different times), but I did anyway. I started reading Area X, too, and so far, I’m really enjoying it. 27: Our family’s accountants think I’m a bit weird because I was so excited to get my tax papers back even though I owed money. I was just like “cool!” to all the facts and things on my sheets, which is apparently not what they’re used to, but one of the new tax laws works in my favor as small business income is taxed at a lower rate or something. 28:  29: 30: I love Annihilation in the Area X series! I haven’t plowed through a book that fast in years. 31: I was catching up on my business spreadsheets and it turns out I had the most profitable March since I started my business :)

April 1: No April Fools jokes, which is always a huge plus. 2: 3: 4: Took the BEC section of the exam and then clocked in a bunch of hours for the Foundation. Jubilee is almost here!!! 5: 6: The Jubilee is over!!! What a relief! A lot of things went well, and I heard it was a lot of people’s favorite. Not sure what actually happened because I was stationed at check in/out all night, but hopefully the silent auction results are good. Huge shout out to @arrowhearts and @nah-young for getting me through the night! 7:A quiet morning of returning the Jubilee to the Foundation. Plus some other landscaping. 8: I know everyone at work is saying I should take time off, and I didn’t, but I’m actually feeling blessed that I have the physical and mental stamina to keep working on things. Plus, I need to catch up with post Jubilee stuff. 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19:  Got to talking with my art dealer for a long while and we exchanged headcannons and ideas. 20: Had a nice Pokemon run with @arrowhearts‘ dog. Plus, enough work to keep me out of trouble X) 21: A very busy Easter. I moved a huge mound of mulch. It was half the size of my car. Hopefully the home owner will like it. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31: I’ve been feeling behind, but I finally knocked out a really important thing at work today. Got our annual applications in!

May 1: 2: 3: My gauntlets for my comic con costume look so cool! They’re a little stabby (there’s staples on the inside, although I should be able to tape it down for safety), but overall look cool for a first draft. 4: A long day, but I feel like I was really able to help my friend and her family, which is nice considering how much they do for me. 5: The event that happened wasn’t good, but I’ve been humbled as to how well our house was kept and motivated to try and become more organized. 6:  Dad and I were chatting today, and we could even touch on topics in a civil manner. It was quite nice!  7: Just found out I passed the BEC section of the CPA exam! I’m 75% CPA!!! And no cavities were found after my dentist appointment :) 8: Frantically working on my costume, but my head piece looks really good! 9: Mom even chipped in to help. We rigged up a steampunk mask I have (which doesn’t fit on my head right) so that I can actually wear it. 10: I’ve been fasting for Ramadan and I think my body and I are finally on the same page. It was a rough start this year, but I’m looking forward to focusing on being thankful for what I have and working on self discipline. 11: Library Comic Con! My costume is a bit rough, so no final pictures, but I have plans to make it better! 12: It was a busy Sunday. Lots of lawns, but thankfully the weather was cool. 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: Had a nice meeting with my boss. I keep feeling like I’m not on top of things or she’s disappointed, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Plus, she said I did great at the finance committee meeting, so that was nice. 18: Although I scared everyone I worked with all day, I was able to donate blood even though I had been fasting.  19: I saw the tiniest inch worm while I was pulling weeds today. It was more like a quarter inch worm and it was just trying so hard to climb up my arm when I found it. I also saw the first lightening bugs of the year. As a bug type Pokemon trainer, I’m quite pleased with all of this (less so with the mosquitoes though, as I got my first bite of the season). 20: I have found a nice way to keep cool at the property Dad and I work at. I’m allowed to douse my head, neck, and hat with the hose, and man does it feel good! 21: I received many compliments at the executive committee meeting for all my hard work on the budget, the Jubilee, and finance committee. 22: Caught up on reconciliations at work (finally). It’s been just a nightmare, but I’m happy they’re done. 23: Another me day. I’ve been taking Thursdays off and got to game for a bit but also accomplish a lot of laundry and studying. 24: Had a good meeting at work to discuss the future of the nonprofit I work at. Plus I finally made a phone call I didn’t want to make. 25: Went to a foam helmet making class with a coworker. I’m super excited to start trying out this style, and I think the sample we made in class can easily be used to make a helmet for Vile. Might have purchased a few things to go with it :) 26: Found a new drink that I love from Kung Fu Tea! Also got to rewatch Coco, which is always good. 27: Part of my afternoon spent working with Jane was changing her screen saver. It was set up for one photo of pictures, but some were so fuzzy, so we set up new pictures and I got to add my fuzzball to the reel. 28: I visited one of Jane’s friends to discuss dog sitting and we had such a nice conversation afterwards. 29: I found a four leave clover today while mowing lawns. It’s been years since I’ve found one, so that was exciting. 30: I plowed through about 6 hours of studying for the FAR portion of the CPA exam. Only two more lectures and then onto multiple choice! 31: Filled out a form at work (finally). Now I just have to hope my boss will sign it and have it notarized.

June 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6: Took the (hopefully) last CPA exam. It was nice as I spoke to an elevator engineer before the exam and it helped to calm my nerves a bit.   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: Wasn’t sure what day to put this on, but @nah-young and I hung out for hours just sitting and chatting on the cats’ back porch. 15: Successfully navigated into DC with the help of @arrowhearts (and had an interesting laugh about her being my son...? Oh well, at least we got to give the people sitting outside a show as we left the building with two rollie office chairs each). 16: Started working on my Halloween costume. I’ve abandoned the idea I originally had and will be switching to a different Mega Man X character (fun fact: it was a costume I originally intended to make before being introduced to Scaramouche back in 2017) 17: It was a scorcher, but had a slurpee for the first time in almost a year. I’m so thankful for the 7-11 within walking distance of where my dad and I work on Mondays. 18: I’ve officially passed the CPA exam! Now onto the next steps... 19: I have been struggling with telling people good news, but I did make an effort to inform some people about me passing the exam. 20: Told some more people about the CPA exam and just trying not to stress. I got celebratory milkshakes for my family after dinner. 21: My coworkers are so sweet. They brought me in a cake and we had a mini celebration. 22: 23: 24: 25: 26:Found a praying mantis while mowing. She kept standing where I wanted to mow, so I got to pick her up and put her somewhere safe (with lots of snacks for her!) 27: 28: 29: So glad I went to see Detective Pikachu with @nah-young and @arrowhearts! I really enjoyed it! 30: 31:

July 1: A new fiscal year! I did manage to get a good bit done on my latch hook. 2: A sudden thunderstorm took me off the weed pulling job early (i.e. a perfect opportunity to read). 3: It was quiet in the office. Too quiet ... yet super productive! I processed so many gifts and letters. 4: I don’t really celebrate, and spent a lot of it working, but played some pokemon in the rain. It was a warm day, so the cool rain felt so refreshing! 5: A jammed packed day with trashrooms, a bank run, and more pokemon quests! I completed another 15 and hatched a new pokemon. Plus I finished another book: Dr. Death. 6: A busy day, but I was able to finish everything so I can take the next day off completely (for once). Again, apologies to @arrowhearts  for dragging you out and getting caught in a downpour so I could get some bubble tea! 7: 8: 9: 10: Unboxed my unicycle! Not sure when I’ll ride, but it’s ready when I am. 11: 12: 13: 14: The vanity is back in my bathroom! Dad’s renovating it, and it’s been a slow process, but I finally have a sink! 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: Spent a few hours working on cleaning the basement, and I’m finally seeing some of the fruits of my labor. 21: 22: 23: 24: Officially finished the Vile helmet! 25: Just started a new dog sitting job, and the house is right on top of a pokestop. Guess I’m going to have a full item bag again! 26: Finally got myself a memory stick for my PSP. I’m replaying the Maverick Hunter X game ... because I can! 27: Got three team rocket grunts in one day at the one stop. 28: Plowed through the Vile portion of Maverick Hunter X. Lol, I probably make it harder on myself since I only use my favorites, regardless of if they’re good against the boss. 29: Had a huge crab and shrimp dinner at Jane’s house. 30: Hung out and ate delicious homemade butter chicken with my best friend’s mom (she’s basically like my other mother). We laughed and chatted, showed off our latest projects, probably kept the neighbors up, and just had a good time until like 2 in the morning.  31: Welp, it wasn’t a raid day for armored Mewtwo, but @arrowhearts and I did defeat more Team Rocket Go grunts in the rain.

August 1: Chatted with @nah-young for a few hours and I’ve got a new place to eat on my radar! 2: I kept feeling like I was letting my boss down because I couldn’t answer her questions/didn’t understand, but she insisted I was handling myself well, and found the information she needed later. Plus, she’s very complimentary of my work and appreciates my transparency and work ethic, both of which I work hard on and value. 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

September 1: 2: 3: It’s official! We’re having a Halloween party at work. If my new schedule turns out, I’ll be at work on that day and will show off a costume. Not sure if it will be the one I’m working on, but I can always recycle an old one. 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: I had such a good ripstik run. @nah-young and I practiced for a good while yesterday (and she did her first trick, too!). I guess it’s nice to see the fruits of our practice since we’ve been working off and on for about a month. 16: Had the investment club meeting at my house. I didn’t get to cook everything, but I picked the recipe and it turned out well! 17: I finished “Every Tool’s a Hammer” by Adam Savage (from Mythbusters) and I really recommend it. It’s such a great book for anyone who makes or creates. It’s a fun read and chocked full of helpful hints. 18: I decided to start reading the Naruto series. I’m enjoying it so far! Now I just have to wait for the next to volumes to be available from the library. 19: I started replaying Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase. It’s amusing, although I’m a little rough. 20: 21: 22: 23: I’d been on the fence about taking a vacation early next year because I want to save up for a down payment, but after talking to my dad, I decided I’d do a little something. I still need to work out the plans (and make sure the people I want to visit are free), but I’m looking forward to it! 24: 25: 26: There’s a chance I might be going full time at my office job, so dad encouraged me to take the day off from trash rooms. I still got up early, but knocked out a bunch of chores, finished Scooby Doo and the Cyber Chase, finished a drawing, and cleaned in the basement a bit. 27: Lol, I just realized I have three cycles of books checked out again. I started reading The Wicked Years series. I’m trying to set aside time each night so I can read a chapter or two before bed. 28: I made the pattern for my gauntlets! I’m actually trying to do it the right way and making measurements, creating an accurate template, and just generally taking my time. 29: Part 2 of the gauntlets: They’re made! My template worked and I spent a couple of hours slowly forming and shaping them. I still need some practice on the gluing component, but at least they feel sturdy. 30: Started replaying DK 64 again. I really love this game. Besides Gauntlet Legends, it’s probably my favorite N64 game we own. 31: Got rained out at work, but managed to take it easy in the afternoon and just generally keep ahead with laundry.

October 1: Today officially marks the first day of working full time at my office job. They added ten hours a week, so now I’m working 4 days at 10 hours each. It’ll take a little adjusting. I’m happy for the extra hours! 2: I sent out invoices on time for once! 3: It was my fuzzball’s 16th Birthday today! Someone also brought in some really yummy snacks to work that were leftover from a meeting. I also managed to create templates for the leg gauntlets and cut them out of  foam. I’m just rolling with the motivation now, and would like to have Vile finished by Halloween (keep reading to find out if it was finished). 4: Really just having a good time playing DK 64. Knocked out Gloomy Galleon, so all that’s left are my favorite levels! 5: 6:   7: I have leg gauntlets formed. Lol, I guess I should look up the name... All that’s left is the chest plate and cape! 8: I lucked out! My coworker can’t go to a book signing even this weekend and asked me to get her book signed since I’m going. It was the perfect opportunity to get my hands on a copy of “Where the Crawdads Sing” which I wanted to read before this weekend. 9: Making some headway on the costume again! Arm and leg gauntlets have the plating and base coat of plastidip. 10: I finished “Where the Crawdads Sing” within 48 hours of having it my possession. That’s such a huge accomplishment to read something so quickly and eagerly! 11: I was plowing through my to do list at work. I knocked out 11 items. Woo! 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: My Halloween costume is finished *gasp* before Halloween! Barely, but it counts. 31: I won the most creative costume at work! Well, tied for first, but that’s cool.

November (whoops, I really forgot to write this month) 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: 13: 14: 15: 16: 17: 18: 19: 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: 25: 26: 27: 28: 29: 30: 31:

December 1: 2: 3: 4: 5: 6:   7: 8: 9: 10: 11: 12: My coworker is back! She had been on extended leave for a while, but now she’s back. She bring such a positive and fun attitude to the workplace. 13: 14: I’m officially 25! I worked a few hours in the rain, but got a lot done (and saw Lucy, my favorite cat I cat sit). Instead of going to a steakhouse for dinner, which I’m not a fan of, we ended up going to somewhere I did enjoy. Overall, it was a nice and quiet celebration. 15: 16: 17: I finished the Naruto series today! It was a good series, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Going to take a manga break to work on a few novels I have checked out and then  decide which series to start. 18:  19: A busy day again. Knocked out two leaf clients for the year and went to see three bands perform at a local music club. I stayed out way too late, but had a great time hanging with a friend, one of the performers, and the performer’s friend. 20: 21: 22: 23: 24: Hung out with my brother and grandmother. I crushed them in several games! 25: Went to my coworkers in the afternoon and dueled for the first time in quiet a while. They wiped the floor with me, but I had fun with my deck destruction deck. 26: 27: Ended up hanging out with Jane for a while and just chatting about everything. We’re seeing eye to eye on a lot of things, so it was nice.  28: Finished my leaf jobs for the year! Time to relax. 29: 30: 31: Welp, ended up being sick and missing out on the intended New Year plans. I guess I did start the year with a migraine, so here I am ending it with one. After I rested up, I did start playing my favorite video game. Plus, I frantically read “Hey, Kiddo!” before the end of the year

Notable stuff

Highlights: Passed the CPA exam Officially hired full time

Books read: “Ghost Stories” “Every Tool’s a Hammer” “Where the Crawdads Sing” “Wicked” Naruto series “Hey, Kiddo!”

Movies watched: Spiderman: Enter the Spiderverse Mary Poppins 2 The Princess and the Frog Pokemon Lucario

[TRANS] 180128 Yonhap News Interview w/ BTS (1/3)

Source Part 2 | Part 3

① BTS “Our secret to success is not SNS but sincerity + ability”

20s, the age that eats and eats and still craves for more. At 5 PM, BTS opened up some treats and had snack time, proving to be hearty eaters. To the members (RM 24, Suga 25, Jin 26, J-Hope 24, Jimin 23, V 23, Jungkook 21), who have to split up their time small, with success comes the time they miss home cooking.

“Members whose houses are at Seoul can eat a meal and come back, while Jungkook and Jimin are from Busan, so they eat home cooking about 1-2 times a year.”

At Nonhyun-dong, Gangnam-gu, Seoul, we interviewed BTS, said to be more difficult to meet than any other celebrity.

With 1-year worth of schedule packed already and a busy year waiting ahead, the members shared “We still sleep 6-7 hours a day. Only Jin and V sleep a little later because they play games”. Even with a small question, they didn’t answer sloppily.

Last year, BTS attained First·Best achievements in the Billboard chart, recorded 1.5 million in album sales on Gaon Chart and swept Daesangs at various award shows with ‘Love Yourself 承 Her’ album and ‘MIC Drop’ Remix version. With a year-long rapid leap, they became an ‘uncrossable wall’ group that will be the turning point in the history of Korean music, like Seo Taiji & Kids, H.O.T, DBSK, Psy.

During the one-hour long interview, the members expressed “It’s the beginning of a year with lots of thoughts” and laid out their feelings. They led the conversation with honesty, repeating the word ‘sincerity’, talking about the emotions when their sweat brought forth fruits, the anxiety and loneliness behind and how they overcome it.

Below are Q&As with BTS.

- Anyone would understand the swag in your ‘Mic Drop’ lyrics. You spent a year with ‘bags filled with trophies’.

▲ J-HOPE: It was a year of many achievements that I feel proud of myself looking back. All thanks to our fans’ enthusiastic support.

▲ JUNGKOOK: I wasn’t nervous at all, be it at award shows or American NBC talk show ‘Ellen DeGeneres Show’. It’s because I believed in our fans. At that time I felt that I made a right decision choosing to become a singer.

▲ JIN: Hmh, I think I became more handsome last year. I’ve been saying this for years so our fans would understand this, haha. We interacted with fans a lot last year too. We had more contents, interacted with fans in various ways and together made achievements.

- Many fields have analyzed BTS’ secret to success and economical value. Even in the politics world there were reports urging to learn your method of communication. It was summarized into many factors like refined music, contemporary messages that connect with the youth, synchronized choreography, friendly SNS interactions, but what do the members think is the key factor?

▲ RM: We have received this question countless of times and I think I have represented the team to answer more than 200 times. It’s finalized gradually with every answer and this is the newest version. I truly praise Bang Shihyuk PD-nim for his batting eye. We started as a hiphop crew but Bang PD-nim thought that there needs to be someone to talk about what is needed in our society. There were rappers like us who can realize that idea and other members who are skilled performance-wise. If we were to summarize BTS’ secret to success into keywords, I think it would be ‘Sincerity + Ability’. Our sincerity is visible in the public’s eyes, but people only focus on the point that we’re active on SNS. What’s more important is that we’re singers, so our music and performances’ quality has to be good no matter what. We have that and combining with the sincerity and messages we want to deliver and our frequent SNS usage, they’re envisioned and supported by Bang PD-nim. He provided us the freedom and we as players took high risk to get high return. We and the company have equal credit and in terms of a collaborative relationship between the company and the artists as business partners, I think this is a good model.

▲ SUGA: I thought a lot about this too since I was curious. It’s hard to sum up in one thing. What someone needs to talk about but no one did, I think that’s where I started. I took a look back to see how I made music before, since it was the beginning of a new year and I was feeling restless, and Bang PD-nim was like this from the start. He sat in the small studio and told us, ‘What do you want to talk about? Think about the subject for your beats.’ We said ‘Respect personal taste’, ‘Why does no one talk about schools and the society?’ and that’s how we started. Unfortunately, when others analyze us, they attribute our success to SNS only. Kim Saengmin sunbae-nim who hosted our fanmeeting not long ago praised us in his podcast that ‘Nothing can beat working hard at what they’re good at’. When I heard that I thought ‘He really felt what we do’. It took 5 years for people to know this, so I felt sentimental.

- Last year you were record makers. The most representative records were your Billboard achievements and album sales, which figures came close to you emotionally?

▲ RM: When we made it to No.28 on the Billboard main single chart ‘Hot 100’ with ‘MIC Drop’ Remix. Having our name on the ‘Hot 100’ that I have been seeing since I was small was shocking to me. Normally in America, the top 40 songs on ‘Hot 100’ are considered nationwide hits, so making it into the top 30 itself was a huge deal.

▲ J-HOPE: The album sales came to me. I felt moved how the album with music we made recorded a big sales number.

▲ SUGA: Actually I don’t dwell on figures or records. Many things happened last year but the performance at ‘American Music Awards’ was the most memorable to me. When I was little, award shows weren’t broadcasted live on TV so I had to watch on the Internet. Appearing on the show was thrilling already but getting to perform on stage right in front of Diana Ross, who received the Lifetime Achievement award, was unbelievable.

- You received fervent responses in American. Local fans arranged campaigns to request your songs at radio stations and helped with Billboard rankings. With ‘Mic Drop’ entered the ‘Hot 100’ for 8 consecutive weeks and ‘Love Yourself 承 Her’ on ‘Billboard 200’ for 15 consecutive weeks, your popularity doesn’t seem to cool down. In which aspect do you see the local fans’ enthusiastic reactions?

▲ SUGA: There’s barely any difference between the way Korean and American fans love us and how they express that love. If I were to choose one, I’d say they like when we’re together the most. They must have found it special how we’re always together no matter what we do.

▲ RM: In the same context, before fans become fans, they’re part of the public who consume contents. I believe they become ‘core fans’ because they distinguished what is not visible in the eyes. If we combine our chemistry and sincerity they felt through video contents like performance videos and behind-the-scenes, music and high-quality performances, I don’t think there’s any weapon more powerful than that. It transcended languages and became the catalyst powering fans to request our songs on radios.

- You appeared on 3 big American talk shows, was there any behind story?

▲ V: I remember these questions the most, ‘Why are your fans so enthusiastic?’, ‘How did you gain such great fans?’. (When asked how he replied) RM answered because he’s good at English. (laughs)

▲ RM: We originally planned to only perform at all 3 talk shows, but after the production crew saw the fanchant and reactions of the fans on set, they add corners like games and talk section with the MCs. There wasn’t supposed to be a talk section with Ellen but after seeing our fans, Ellen said ‘This can’t be it, we need to do more’ and arranged it. It was thanks to fans.

▲ JIN: We asked the translator hyungnim for cool words and sentences and memorized them to talk one by one, but we couldn’t quite understand the questions so we couldn’t answer. V even stayed up all night to prepare questions that would likely to come out but he couldn’t answer, it’s cute.

▲ V: (Searching for the memo note he wrote answers on) I predicted they would ask questions about the performance so I memorized all the answers, but Ellen didn’t ask. The translator hyung obviously said ‘There’s a good chance they’ll ask this question’... (laughs)

- Since your debut in 2013, you have faced the dreams and reality of boys and youth, and in Suga’s mixtape track ‘The Last’, you also confessed about the feeling of separation with reality, depression and compulsion when you dreamed of being an idol star. Looking back at your trainee days, how did you overcome the anxiety and how far do you think you have reached that dream now?

▲ SUGA: I think anxiety and loneliness are something that’ll come with us for the rest of our life. How we let then out matters much and we have to learn our whole life to know how to. I think life is thinking every moment, because emotions change so much with each situation and moment. Through this article, I want to tell people that “I feel the anxiety and so do you, so let’s find the way and learn it together". Never once have I not had a dream. All of my dreams came true. When I was a trainee, my dream was to debut as a singer, after I debuted, it was winning first place, after I won first place, it was winning the daesang and making it to Japan and America. To be honest, Billboard and ‘AMA’ were only far-fetched talks I couldn’t even dream of, but it came true. I don’t feel like I’m running towards a specific dream more than before, but lately my thoughts have changed, our values and happiness as human beings are also important, so I’m still far (from attaining it). I have achieved a lot as a single but last year was probably the turning point. I’m only 26 years old and even though I have been making music for 10 years, counting from pre-debut, I will continue for a long time. I’ve been having a lot of thoughts this new year.

▲ RM: I think humans are programmed to feel ambivalent emotions at the same time. They say it’s the motivation created for humans to dominate other worlds as the lord of all creation. We think about parting as we love and we think about fall and failure as we feel the success, it’s in our genes. It’s the same context with what Suga-hyung said, (anxiety is) like a shadow. To put it in my case, my father got tinnitus during his 25 years working at a company. He said it was hard for him, he got stressed when he concentrated on his work or did something he liked even with no symptom shown, and when he faced stressing situations it got so severe that it affected his life. The anxiety that shows as tinnitus to someone is like a shadow, it gets taller with my height and longer with the night. We can’t say we overcome the ambivalent emotions from the other side of our hearts, however, humans must embrace our inevitable loneliness and darkness, so we need a haven for ourselves. Before, music was the only thing to me and I was lucky to choose this path and meet good friends, achieving occupationally and financially. I made a few havens for myself so I could befriend my anxiety. I collect figurines, buy clothes that I like, go to unknown neighborhoods to see how people live.  When I take the bus and wander around unknown neighborhoods, it bridges the gap and makes me feel like I’m not far away from this world. It’s how I disperse my anxiety.

- Looking at the lyrics that harbor your experiences, there must be a lot of hard times in the past 5 years.

▲ JIN: I’m the type to avoid such moments so I try to live another life by playing games. When I play games, I get to live with a completely different personality. Recently I started gaming again and happened to meet friends I met 10 years ago when I played. We have never met in real life, just online friends recognizing each other from IDs. But I felt somewhat happy. It brought back old memories.

▲ JIMIN: Now is probably the time I feel lonely and tired the most. We always say we’re happy, but when hard times come we start thinking there’s no one who understands us, not friends, family, and it makes us feel lonely. Not long ago, I listened again to our songs and rewatched our live broadcasts and felt better.

ABC questions for each character of the letter their name starts with

So this is a long one.

A: Aptitude

Grand Duke Arno Lambert, who has basically reinvented himself to be Lumina’s Duke Consort, really.

1. what are your oc’s natural abilities, things they’ve been doing since young?

Arno is a born healer. As a Trugiln, he’s always been a decent tracker, guide, and hunter when necessary, but his preference is always to care for the people and animals who stumble their way to his home. He’s also pretty good at math.

2. what activities have they participated in?

Arno, back when he was under a different name, used to be a champ at drunken arm wrestling because he was chronically sober.

3. what abilities do they have that they’ve worked for?

Herbalism, rather than healing, was something he had to learn. He also practiced with throwing axes and hammers as melee weapons back in the day, to mixed success.

4. what things are they bad at?

I never said he was any good at throwing weapon. Only that he tried to use them.

5. what is their most impressive talent?

Arno can heal with enough skill—and a touch of divine providence—to revive the recently-dead.  

B: Basics

Here we have Brigid Rime, a villain!

1. what is their hair color?

Her hair is white, which she dyes different colors when the mood strikes her. It’s been a very lovely nigh-prismatic purple before.

2. what is their eye color?

Deep brown. There’s something a bit odd about the way her eyes appear in bright light, though… (Her pupils are actually square.)

3. how tall are they?

About 5’4”.

4. how old are they?

Somewhere between 25 and 32.

5. how much do they weigh?

137 lbs.

C: Comfort

Cirrus, Gabilan’s master-at-arms.

1. how do they sit in a chair?

He prefers to sit in a chair the way chairs are meant to be sat in, and gets a little annoyed with everyone else deciding that “furniture” is the same as “climbing wall.”

2. in what position do they sleep?

Cirrus sleeps on his side or back, occasionally rolling from one to the other and landing squarely on the floor.

3. what is their ideal comfort day?

Cirrus would definitely prefer to spend the day in three major sections: sparring with everyone in Gabilan, then visiting a steam house to relax after a workout, and finally reading a good book late into the night.

4. what is their major comfort food? Why?

Jellied eel, because his mother used to make it. It doesn’t actually taste appealing.

5. who is the best at comforting them when down?

Cirrus prefers to visit the stables and check in with the horses, because he feels more relaxed around them than around his brothers sometimes. Of said horses, his favorite is named Silverstream.

D: Decoration

Dazma Kiltaea, master sorceress. Probably not human.

1. how would they decorate a house if they had one under their name?

Dazma has the correct total lack of taste to appreciate white marble columns in home decorating, in some 40-room manor that was impressive enough before cultural grave-robbing kicked in.

2. how would they decorate their child’s room?

Not her problem. She doesn’t have one of those anymore.

3. how do they decorate their own room?

Gold. So much gold. She wants to be a dragon of yore. She would also like an arcane workshop within easy reach to help with the obtaining of more things her real self missed out on. Also, she’s rather fond of floor-to-ceiling mirrors.

Light hitting the room is like as not to blind visitors.

4. what type of clothes and accessories do they wear?

Picture a woman-shaped swathe of white, blue, and black fabric. Anything past that point is a mystery.

5. do they like makeup/nail/beauty trends?

Trends are for people who care what other people think. Her nails are sharp enough to cut, exactly as she likes them.

E: External Personality

Evander of Oltose, not exactly Mr. Personality.

1. does the way they do things portray their internal personality?

No.

2. do they do things that conform to the norm?

He certainly seems like a model soldier. Obeys orders, never asks questions…

3. do they follow trends or do their own thing?

He kinda tends to go along with the crowd, whatever that might entail.

4. are they up-to-date on the internet fads?

The internet doesn’t exist.

5. do they portray their personality intentionally or let people figure it out on their own?

The latter. Less effort that way.

Interestingly, every thing said by or about him is almost guaranteed to be a lie. Evander’s original personality and identity was entirely overwritten by a creature from the Dreamscape years ago, whose central personality tenet is “Deceit.”

F: Fun

Fiamma of Kingsroad, the Red Shirt of the Royal Kaltekas Army, Magical Operations.

1. what do they do for fun?

Fiamma prefers to organize large parties with friends if at all possible. If not, she used to be the one who kept track of betting pools, card counters, and weighted dice.

2. what is their ideal party?

50+ attendees with free-flowing alcohol, games, and at least one fantastic musical performance. She wants to have a concert.

3. who would they have the most fun with?

She prefers hanging out with people like Zahara, rather than the party poopers of the world like Lumina.

4. can they have fun while conforming to rules?

Yes!

5. do they go out a lot?

Under better circumstances, yes!

G: Gorgeous

The Gumiho, also known as one of the walking, talking Dreamscape dangers.

1. what is their most attractive external feature?

Silky black hair seems to appeal!

2. what is the most attractive part of their personality?

The Gumiho can make any part of its personality attractive, from sense of humor to ambition to the urge to devour human flesh. It’s in its nature as a predatory trickster to adapt to anything that might convince prey to relax. Then come the teeth.

3. what benefits come with being their friend?

Not getting eaten.

4. what parts of them do they like and dislike?

Nothing of note.

5. what parts of others do they envy?

Nothing of note.

H: Heat

Hokide, Dreamscape born-and-raised. Which causes problems.

1. do they rather a hot or cold room?

Cold. Hot rooms have a bad relationship with Hokide’s lack of thermoregulation. His species has a much easier time in the wintry parts of the world.

2. do they prefer summer or winter?

Winter. So much.

3. do they like the snow?

Sort of?

4. do they have a favorite summer activity?

Does “not dying” count?

5. do they have a favorite winter activity?

Exploring glaciers to make maps and sketch landscapes. It’s fascinating!

I: In-the-closet

Ismene Nikos, Oceanus’s mother and healer extraordinaire for the Royal Kaltekas Army.

1. what is their sexuality?

Heteroflexible, I think.

2. have they ever questioned their sexuality?

Not especially. Ismene didn’t really think her early life gave her many opportunities to experiment much with her sexuality, and life in the army came to a pretty spectacularly horrible end. After the fallout, she decided none of it was worth the trouble.

3. have they ever questioned their gender?

After speaking with Fithrain and accidentally getting introduced to the concept, yes. After some thinking, Ismene shrugged and came to the conclusion she was a cis woman.

4. would/was their family be okay with them being LGBT?

She doesn’t think they would have been.

5. how long would/did it take for them to come out?

Closest she ever got was explaining to her son that he didn’t have be ashamed of being attracted to some of the village boys instead of just girls. Oceanus, being about seven at the time, never made the connection between his mother’s acceptance in that moment and anything past that.

K: Kill

Keyah, the head of scouting in Gabilan!

1. have they ever thought about suicide?

Yes.

2. have they ever thought about homicide?

Definitely. It’s a part of her job description as a former Army scout, though not exactly a recognized aspect of being a courier.

3. if they could kill anyone without punishment, would they? Who?

Probably people who threaten Gabilan, because she’s done it before.

4. who would miss them if they died?

Her friends in Gabilan, her extended family, and her boss.

5. who would be happy they died, anyone?

No one?

L: Lemons

Lucretia Araceli, would-be knight!

1. what is their favorite fruit?

Cherries.

2. what is their least favorite fruit?

Peaches.

3. are there any foods they hate?

Jellied eels.

4. do they have any food intolerances?

She can’t stand beans, but isn’t intolerant or allergic.

5. what is their favorite food?

Oltosian wheat bread.

M: Maternal

Mitra bint Naviyd ibn Copernicus al-Fulan, one of the people least suited for this.

1. would they want a daughter or a son?

If forced to address the question of children, she’d say one of both. Or neither.

2. how many children do they want?

None, generally speaking.

3. would they be a good parent?

Yes.

4. what would they name a son? what would they name a daughter?

“Omair” and “Fatimah.”

5. would they adopt?

Probably not.

N: Never Have I Ever

Nimbus, schoolmaster of Gabilan.

1. what would they never do?

Get married.

2. what have they never done that they want to do?

Climb to the tallest peak in the Spine and plant a flag there.

3. is there anything they absolutely can’t believe people do?

Read anything written by “S. Burat.”

4. what is the most embarrassing thing they’ve done?

Fell asleep on his desk, directly onto a still-wet document. Woke up with writing all over his face.

5. have they done anything they thought they’d never do?

Yeah: Live to see forty.

O: Optimism

Oceanus of Seabridge, one of our main protagonists.

1. are they optimistic or pessimistic?

Oceanus is deeply pessimistic.

2. are they openly optimistic, throwing it on others?

Nope. And nope.

3. are they good at giving advice?

Absolutely horrible. Most of his advice is phrased in a way that comes off as sarcastic or just blunt even when he’s trying to help.

4. is there anyone in their life that throws optimism on them?

Khalil and Alena both do, but Khalil is the more insistent one by far. Alena is a quieter presence.

5. were they always optimistic?

Fuck. No. And never have been.

P: Personality

Pyrrhos Razen, low-level tyrant.

1. what is their best personality trait?

He would say his business sense and pragmatism are the most useful to him and everyone around him. He’s proud of every moment he gets one over on someone else, and celebrates.

2. what is their worst personality trait?

Complete and utter disregard for human rights. The guy’s a mid-level crime lord, and what scruples he has don’t apply to anyone but himself and Brigid Rime, his partner in crime.

3. what of their personality do others love?

Brigid is most fond of his confidence. Others like the fact that when bought, he stays bought like a good mercenary. Or at least he honors deals made with him personally.

4. what of their personality do others envy?

Confidence, generally.

5. do they hate anything about their personality/about other’s personalities?

Pyrrhos despises indecisiveness and doesn’t understand the point of altruism. Which on its own means he doesn’t understand altruism in general.

Q: Questions

Quillyn, proprietor of the Evening Primrose in the Oltose town of Lysand.

1. do they ask for help?

Not really.

2. do they ask questions in class?

What’s “class?”

3. do they answer questions that make them a little uncomfortable?

Sure, though it’s hard to really put a brothel madam off her game.

4. do they ask weird questions?

Mostly, she’s asked weird questions.

5. are they curious?

Not especially. It’s not a survival trait in her world.

R: Rules

Radovan of Stalmo, Alena’s long-missing biological father.

1. do they follow rules?

Pretty much. He’s a mercenary, so in many ways his life is a series of changing rulesets to go along with employers.

2. would they be a strict or laid-back parent?

As evidenced by his other actual children later on? He’s a laid-back dad insofar as he doesn’t do punishments.

3. have they ever been consequenced for breaking a rule?

No.

4. have they broken any rules they now regret breaking?

“Don’t sleep with the boss.”

5. do they find any rules they/others follow absolutely ridiculous?

He doesn’t understand why anyone would make rules against looting. Don’t they know that’s how bonuses happen?

S: Streets

Sinrajin of Skytear.

1. are they street-smart?

Not especially. One gets the impression he was raised by wolves—in fact, he was raised by spirits. As such, he sees the world entirely differently than the Kaltekans do.

2. would they give money to someone on the streets?

Yes, he would. Spirits don’t have much of a concept of money, really.

3. have they ever gotten in a fight on the streets?

Not once! It turns out that looking like a Trugiln bloodseeker is good street cred, because people assume he’d remove their faces with his teeth if angry enough.

4. has anything happened to them on the streets?

Nothing notable.

5. are they cautious when out?

Not a bit! Someone made the mistake of pointing out that Sinrajin was unlikely to be robbed by anyone unwilling to face the reality that he could probably break them in half, and he runs with that assumption.

T: Truth

Tirane of Queen’s Crossing, the token uninvolved human who is suddenly in the midst of shit.

1. are they honest?

Sort of. She does tend to qualify her statements by admitting she’s not really telling the whole truth, ever, but she does try to do people a good turn.

2. can they tell if someone is lying?

Absolutely. It’s a part of her magic skillset.

3. is it obvious when they’re lying?

She’s not especially good at it, so yes.

4. have they lied about anything they regret lying about?

Nope.

5. have they told truths that have been spread against their will?

Probably.

Y: You

1. how old were you when you created them?

It varies. A lot of these characters have been around since I was eleven or so, and some have been around for less than a month. Such is author life.

2. what inspired you to create them?

I really, really wanted to tell a story.

3. were they different when they were first created?

Oh boy, yeah. Some of them have had total personality flips. Others have been molded to suit their roles. Others stayed mostly the same, or at least their one-word summary did.

4. do you enjoy writing them more than other characters?

Some of them?

5. what’s your favorite thing about them?

They’re all great in different ways. Or despicable. But at least they’re running around in a created world and doing what characters do.

Z: Zebra

Zinnia Veritos

1. what’s their favorite animal?

Songbirds, especially small ones with bright colors.

2. do they like animals?

Yes.

3. cats or dogs?

Cats.

4. what’s their dream pet?

A housecat that won’t eat her bird friends.

5. do they have any pets at the moment?

Nope.

Christmastime with Kids

A/N: Day 5 of my 25 Days of BAU Christmas. This one is a contrast between Christmas morning with the LaMontagne Family and the Simmons Family. What’s it like with 2 kids? What about four?

“Mommy! Daddy! Wake up!” Jake, David, Chloe and Lily pushed the door open and jumped onto their parents, still sleeping after staying up late eating “Santa’s” cookies. 

Matt smiled in his half-awake state, pulling the covers over himself and Kristy. “Five more minutes.”

“But it’s Christmas!” Lily screamed, sitting her tiny, 40-pound body on his side. “It’s time for presents and looking at the tree and pancakes!”

Kristy began to stir, almost ready to get up, but Matt wanted to tease the kids for just a few more minutes. He so rarely got these uninterrupted times at home, so he wanted to take advantage of the little moments. “But Daddy’s sleepy,” he mumbled into the pillow. When they were a little older, he’d get to sleep in a little - at least he kept telling himself that.

“Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!” The children started to chant causing Kristy to giggle and push herself up. Despite the messy hair, she still looked beautiful, and their children were all happy and healthy; he couldn’t have felt more blessed. 

Just as he was thinking about how truly lucky he was, Kristy started to chant too. “Pancakes! Pancakes! Pancakes!” They were his job.

“Alright, I’m up!” He laughed, grabbing his girls, one under each arm and and squeezing them tight. Standing up, he stretched out and got ready to bolt. “Last one downstairs doesn’t get any pancakes!”

Kristy just rolled her eyes. He really was a giant child. 

JJ and Will had been up late doing...things, the night before, so they were both startled awake by the boys banging on their bedroom. “Mom! Dad!” Henry called. “Michael is crying! He thinks Christmas isn’t coming because you won’t get up! Get up!”

Immediately, JJ bolted out of bed, with Will close behind, and ran into Michael’s room. “Hey, little man. Christmas is already here! Mommy and Daddy were just tired.” The three year old stopped crying, sniffling just a little bit as he looked at his big brother.

“That’s what I told him, but he wouldn’t believe me!” Henry already looked exasperated. At nearly 11 years old, he was starting to get to that age when dealing with a little brother was trying, but since it was Christmas, the tired parents could tell he was attempting to hold back his irritation. “Will you believe me next time Michael?” He nodded, his hand still holding the blanket that he was using to dry his tears. “Good, do you want bacon and waffles now?” That  he was interested in.

While JJ and Will trailed closely behind, hand in hand as they walked down the stairs, Michael and Henry hurried downstairs by the tree. Henry sat at the table, but Michael had other ideas. There was a pile of presents from Santa and he needed them now. “Michael, why don’t we have breakfast first?”

“Yea, I’m hungry,” Henry laughed. His stomach growled just at the right moment as if to scream ‘feed me.’ 

JJ looked between her boys. Christmas should be celebrated how people were comfortable and considering the age gap between them, it made sense to start doing things slightly differently. “How about we bring out the camera and you and I can take turns filming Michael and cooking breakfast for Henry? Then when Henry’s done eating, he can have the camera all to himself.”

“I like that idea,” Henry said, smiling at his mother. “You know how much the camera loves me.”

“You’re such a ham, boy,” Will laughed as he ruffled his son’s hair and brought out the waffle iron and a pan to fry the bacon. “You take the first turn with Michael, JJ.”

“Ready to open your first present?” JJ asked, watching as Michael impatiently waited for permission to open his first gift. 

Suddenly, the wrapping paper went flying.

Matt didn’t even try to sit down. He just ate pancakes right off the griddle as he passed them off to his kids and wife. “Is everybody full of pancakes now?” He laughed. The boys had chocolate chip residue all over their lips, and the girls resorted to each with their hands. But they all seemed content. “First things first, everyone needs to wash their hands and faces.”

“Otherwise Santa’s gifts will get all covered in chocolate,” Kristy laughed. 

It took a little bit longer for everyone to cleaned up than Matt had imagined, but that was Jake and David’s fault. They thought it would be fun to use the removable faucet on the sink to spray their parents, sisters and each other, so they all needed to change into dry clothes before opening their gifts.

As was tradition, Matt brought out the camera and handed his first gift to his wife. Mom always got to open the first present. “Matt it’s beautiful,” she said, staring down at the top. It was a brilliant white, cashmere cardigan. “It’s so soft. It’s amazing. I have no idea how much you spent on it.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t tell you,” he laughed, putting the camera down for a moment to lean over and kiss his wife. “Alright, each of you take one gift from the pile and wait for me to film. I want everything on camera.”

Once the children had a gift, they all went crazy, ripping the wrapping paper to shreds and throwing it in the air. It was almost like a cartoon, where the paper came down slowly enough to block their reactions to everything. “It’s a football!” Jake cried. He’d been wanting a professional one for a while now. David liked soccer more, so it was a soccer ball for him.

Little Lily loved basketball, always admiring the women she saw on tv, so Santa brought her a basketball, and last but not least, Chloe unwrapped a sketchpad and colored pencils, an avid drawer since the day she could hold a pen. “Okay, the next presents you open, you all need to chill,” he chuckled, “I wanna see your faces when you open them.”

As the four kids lunged toward the pile of gifts again, Kristy beamed. “I don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“Yea, me either,” Matt replied.

“Only one more present from Santa, little man,” Will said as he pushed the final package toward his youngest son. Michael had had entirely too much fun opening gifts, but he nearly had as much fun playing with the wrapping paper. As the paper went flying one more time, Michael’s face lit up. 

“Rocket ship,” he whispered, his eyes sparkling like the stars. It was an impulse buy. A $100 inflatable tube that was painted to look like a space ship and big enough for him to sit inside it. He’d been obsessed with space lately, so it seemed like a good bet. “Can I play in the rocket ship?” He lisped. 

“Of course you can. Daddy just needs to set it up,” JJ laughed. “Now Henry, it’s your turn.” The older child rubbed his hands together and ran to sit at the base of the tree. Unfortunately, a classmate had ruined the illusion of Santa for him the year before, but when he came home, he asked if that meant that she and Will had bought their gifts. When she said yes, he replied with, “That’s even better because that means you bought it with your own money. Santa just gives gifts to everyone, but that means that you and Daddy did it especially for us.”

JJ couldn’t have been more proud of him. “Remember,” she whispered, “”Since you’re older, your gifts are a little more expensive so there are less of them.”

“I know, Mom.”

Reaching over, he grabbed the first package and ripped the paper open. “It’s a rocket ship model!” He exclaimed, showing his gift and enormous smile to the camera. “Maybe Uncle Spencer could help me build it.” Ironically enough, Uncle Spencer was the one to tell JJ to buy it; he did know his godson well.

One by one, the gifts were opened and cherished. They’d bought him a few smaller things, like the model set, a nerf gun, and a basketball hoop for the back of his bedroom door, and two larger gifts. The first one he’d opened was a Star Wars lego set of the Millennium Falcon. Spencer was definitely going to want to help with that one. “Last one, Henry.” 

He rubbed his hands one more time, flashed the camera a cheesy smile and grabbed the final gift. It was in a giant box. “What could it be?” The year before, they’d bought a PS4 for the family, so this year they got him his own special chair. It was $150, but the look on his face was worth it. “Wait! Wait! Does this chair have speakers? I can use it to play my video games?”

“That’s what it’s made for,” Will said, as he put the final touches on Michael’s new rocket ship. “It’s really comfortable. I sat in one of them at the store before.” Henry hastily ripped the box open and dragged the chair out.

“Oh my god, this is amazing!” Henry ran into JJ’s arms and whispered, “thank you,” before going to do the same with his father. “I’m gonna go play games now!”

The opening of gifts was always over far too quickly, but every year, that hour or so was worth all the aggravation, money and time spent. A little later on, they’d be heading to JJ’s parents house for dinner, but for now, the house was quiet save for a few shots going off from Henry’s video game, and the giggle of their three-year-old, already on his way to space.

“Alright!” Kristy said, trying to project her voice over the chaos of a house with four children. They’d already opened almost all their gifts. “Each of you has one gift left. Jake, you first.” 

In an instant, the paper was on the floor. It was like he was The Flash or something. “It’s a skateboard! Can I outside and play with it?”

“In a few minutes,” Matt replied, “and you need to put on a coat. It’s cold outside!”

“Okay, I’ll go get changed!” The oldest boy ran up the stairs at the speed of light. Next was David. 

The younger boy’s eyes lit up. A set of connectable, giant foam blocks. He could make a fort with them. “I’m going to play with this now,” he said softly, turning the package away from his parents and little sisters. “I’ll be in my fort.”

Finally, were the twins, Chloe and Lily. Lily was their little tomboy. “Basketball?” 

“It’s a hoop for your room!” Kirsty said happily, pointing at the picture. A small play hoop could sit in her corner of their room, and she could shoot hoops until her hearts content - and she was old enough for a professional hoop. “You like?”

Lily nodded and turned to her father. “Can I put it in my room?”

“Once Chloe opens her last gift, I’ll help you.” That seemed to be enough, because she sat back and stared at her sister. 

Chloe had gotten almost all art-related gifts, and this last one was no different. In addition to loving art, she loved animals, so when Matt saw a giant paint by numbers in the store of elephants in the wild, he knew he had to buy it for her. “Elephants are my favorite!” She cried as she opened the package.

Matt spoke under his breath. “Score one for dad.”

While Chloe ran to the table to start coloring, Kristy and Matt picked the slew of wrapping paper up off the floor. After dropping it off in the garbage can outside, they both got changed so they could watch Jake play with his new skateboard. “Another successful Christmas morning, I’d say,” Kristy said softly, leaning her head on her husband’s shoulder. “They’re already getting so big.”

"True, but that’s the great thing about Christmastime. It doesn’t matter how old we get. When Christmas comes, we’re all kids again.”

@unstoppableangel8 @coveofmemories  @iammostdefinitelyonfire26 @jamiemelyn @sexualemobitch @rmmalta @lukeassmanalvez @reddie-for-mileven @original-criminal-fanfics @sassygeek77 @rt8815 @amarislestrange @sarahkay-19 @bagelsofdoom @xxfeelmylovexx @psychoticantisepticeye @emllyprentiss @dsgirl4987 @captainreid @teatimewithtiya @queenanneslace4 @the-awesome-one-with-pigtails @tippy06 @ultrarebelheart @static-001 @remember-me-forever-silent-angel

10 To Watch : Mayor’s Edition 9919

RICK HORROW’S TOP 10 SPORTS/BIZ/TECH/PHILANTHROPY ISSUES FOR THE WEEK OF SEPTEMBER 9 : MAYOR’S EDITION

with Jacob Aere

1. NFL Network rolls out centennial celebrations on air. Thursday marked an historic occasion as the NFL's 100th season got under way with the 2019 NFL Kickoff. NFL Media has been building up to the occasion with a slate of NFL Network series and specials that celebrate the “memories, moments and people that have made the NFL an iconic brand for 100 seasons.” The league announced that “NFL 100 Greatest” and “NFL 100 All-Time Team” would be serving as the anchor series for the full lineup of NFL 100 programming, with additional series “NFL 100 Roundtables” and “NFL 100 Sessions” also showcased across the network this fall. NFL 100 Greatest debuts September 13, rolling out over 10 weeks with two one-hour episodes airing back-to-back every Friday night. NFL Films conducted more than 400 interviews with celebrities, current NFL stars, and legends that will air across 20, one-hour episodes. “NFL 100 Roundtables” debuts September 27 as a special eight-part series that connects some of the greatest to play the game by position. It’s also worth noting that Thursday’s NFL season kickoff on NBC scored 22 million viewers, a 16% jump over last year.

2. Nearly one-quarter of adults in the United States say they would bet on an NFL game this season if it were legal in their state, according to a recent survey commissioned by the American Gaming Association. An online poll conducted for the gambling trade association by Morning Consult last month found that 24% of adults would bet if they could do so legally, while 39% of avid NFL fans plan to bet on a game this season, legally or not. The survey also drew the now familiar correlation between betting and engagement. Three-fourths of NFL bettors said they are more likely to view a game when they wager on it, while 51% said they are more likely to watch pregame shows if they intend to bet. Based on the survey, the AGA projects that 38 million American adults will bet on NFL games this season – and you can bet the league will continue to monitor this scenario very closely.

3. Buffalo Wild Wings moves toward the sports gambling world alongside MGM. According to USA Today, the two giants released a mobile football game designed to let customers pick favorite NFL teams, choose weekly fantasy performers and make proposition picks. The name of the partnership is called Roar Digital, and it tries to offer a sports betting-style experience beginning with a free-to-play football game. Odds and point spreads will appear on screens at select Buffalo Wild Wings. The long term goal is to have Buffalo Wild Wings expand in states where sports betting is legal through a mobile app called BetMGM. Although there won’t be cash bets at first, players can win prizes such as trips to Las Vegas or to the Borgata casino in New Jersey to compete in the first BetMGM sports betting competition. This partnership looks to capitalize on the casual gamer and new sports bettors – a route that may find success on the back of Buffalo Wild Wings’ 1,200 restaurants across 10 countries, with abundant clientele to test the new venture.

4. Spaniard Rafael Nadal won the 2019 U.S. Open and his 19th Grand Slam title. Canadian Bianca Andreescu won her first Open and first Slam respectively. Both singles winners took home $3.85 million paychecks. But those winnings are a mere blip to the cash cow tennis tournament. According to Hashtag Sports, in 2018, the two-week-long U.S. Open generated $65 million in sponsorship deals alone. Tickets and broadcasting pulled in $120 million each; while concessions added $30 million. And in 2019, the annual tournament, put on by the nonprofit USTA, was on target to have the biggest year in its 51-year history. The U.S. Open is evolving, and becoming more brand-friendly, by design, and tennis is reaching a global audience at an unprecedented scale. The sponsors on the ground at Billie Jean King Tennis Center reflect the global appeal of the sport. Heineken is the official beer, not a domestic brew. Rolex replaced Citizen as the official timekeeper. Emirates is the official airline. And the spacious newly-renovated facility attracted 737,872 spectators this year, an all-time attendance record. If you build it, the brands, and the fans, will come.

5. Disney has completed the sale of its 80% stake in the YES Network for $3.47 billion to an investor group comprising the New York Yankees, Sinclair Broadcast Group, and Amazon. Sinclair acquired a majority stake in the YES Network as part of its $71.3 billion purchase of Fox assets in 2017, though it had to divest the property due to a Department of Justice order last summer, along with 21 other RSNs purchased by Sinclair for $10.6 billion. The YES Network, of which the Yankees already own a 20% share, broadcasts Yankees games and also those of the Brooklyn Nets. An announcement made by all parties on August 29 confirmed the transaction, which brings an end to a year of negotiations between Disney and prospective buyers for the 22 Fox RSNs. The networks were originally valued in the region of $20 billion, though have been sold for just over $14 billion. For Sinclair, the deal adds to its portfolio or regional sports rights while Amazon continues its push into sports broadcasting.

6. Oracle launches a new series of lower-tier professional tennis tournaments across the U.S. As the American leg of the global pro tennis circuit drew to a close, Larry Ellison’s company announced the Oracle Pro Series, comprising approximately 25 new women’s tournaments and 25 new men’s tournaments, with the intention of providing American players with a better route to the top-tier ATP and WTA tours. Most of the tournaments will be staged as combined events, with equal prize money and many will take place on college campuses. The prize funds will range from $25,000 to $108,000 per competition. Crucially, according to the New York Times, ATP and WTA ranking points will be up for grabs at each of the tournaments, which will enable players to step up to tennis’ elite men’s and women’s circuits. The new series is to be managed by InsideOut Sports & Entertainment, the New York-based event production company founded by former World Number One player Jim Courier. Seven combined events will take place later this year in California, Florida, and Texas before the series begins in full next year. 

7. Cleveland Indians pitcher Carlos Carrasco will donate $200 per strikeout for the rest of the season to childhood cancer research after just beating cancer himself. According to CBS Sports, Carrasco returned to the mound on September 3 for the first time since May 30 after he was diagnosed with leukemia. On top of being celebrated by his teammates for such a healthy and quick return, Carrasco came up with the new charity name to support his childhood cancer research: Punch Out Cancer with Cookie. As September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month, it is only appropriate that Carrasco announced his charity during the final month of MLB’s regular season. Further, New Balance and other MLB partners play a role in donations to fight childhood cancer. The sporting goods company will even match donations made on punchoutcancerwithcookie.com to St. Jude Children's Research Hospital up to $200,000. After defeating his own form of cancer, it seems Carrasco isn’t taking any moment for granted and is already giving back to those similarly afflicted.

8. Former NFL player Mike Brown is using gaming as a way to modernize philanthropy. According to Black Enterprise, the former Colts linebacker created Win-Win after he observed an overall decline in the number of people donating to charity. Win-Win tackles this problem to help pro athletes, entertainers, and anyone with influence activate their fans to support causes they care about through games in which users pick winners for upcoming sporting events. After making picks, users donate to enter the competition and unlock unique perks and prizes like dinner with their favorite athlete – the activity becomes a mixture of gambling and philanthropy for a charity cause. To push his company to the next level, Brown recently launched an equity crowdfunding campaign for Win-Win to allow for fan investments. After exceeding his initial fundraising goal, he is now building the platform and launching new partnerships. By leveraging star power and the newest forms of technology into philanthropy, Brown looks to be a leader in sports philanthropy.

9.From an agency perspective, the NFL is moving in the right direction. Rick recently sat down with Arnold Wright, Executive Vice President and co-head of consulting for Octagon. Wright brings NFL team, league, and player deals to life for sponsors including Castrol, Delta, Bank of America, and others. “The league is obviously an incredible platform that leaps up year to year in terms of ratings and engagement,” Wright said. “The on field action is also as good as it’s ever been.” From a global perspective, Wright says, “The international piece in particular has been great for the league. You continue to see key markets like the UK, Mexico, and even Brazil growing internationally. It’s bringing other brands into the NFL ecosystem from a partner and promotional perspective.” As for the NFL’s 100th season platform, Wright says, “The league has done a lot of really great work in terms of positioning themselves, celebrating the history of the league from a player and a fan perspective. They have demonstrated a real savviness around their marketing and their connectivity to fans. The league several years ago probably would not have demonstrated that level of flexibility in terms of their marketing and what you could do with their platforms. But that’s certainly changed.”

10. The new Roc Nation and NFL partnership will donate $400,000 to Chicago charities. The two charities that will receive the support are the Better Boys Foundation Family Services organization and the Crusher’s Club. According to Variety, both groups are designed to present local at-risk youth with alternatives to gang violence and criminal activity. The donation is attached to a free concert in a “Songs of the Season” series that featured Meek Mill, Meghan Trainor, and Rapsody in Chicago. The three performers, along with Chicago rapper Vic Mensa, will visit the programs this week. The event is the first in a planned Inspire Change series that will make similar donations in each NFL city. Songs of the Season is an initiative that will run throughout the season in which selected musicians will create and deliver a song to be integrated in all NFL promotions each month and their songs’ proceeds will go toward Inspire Change. Although Jay-Z took heat for partnering with the NFL, it seems that through his collaboration he will be able to make a large impact on social injustices.

85 Statements Tag Game

Rules: you must answer these 85 statements and tag 20 people.

I was tagged by @elloette AND @marvella15! Feelin’ the LOVE!!

The last…  

1. Drink: Water. Stay hydrated, folks.

2. Phone call: My boyfriend

3. Text message: @rowofstars <3

4. Song you listened to: Colors by Halsey

5. Time you cried: Last week, reading the final Shades of Magic book

6. Dated someone twice: Off and on but never after it was over

7. Kissed someone and regretted it: Eh, not if it was just kissing

8. Been cheated on: Probably? 

9. Lost someone special: Yes.

10. Been depressed: Clinically.

11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Yes because all alcohol makes me ill. Long story.

Favourite colors

12. Purple

13. Blue

14. Red, especially deeper shades.

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends: Yes!

16. Fallen out of love: Nope. Just further in ::moony eyes:: (I know I’m gross)

17. Laughed until you cried: I think so...

18. Found out someone was talking about you: Not in a bad way, no

19. Met someone who changed you: Yes! The other therapists at my clinical site have been life-changers. 

20. Found out who your friends are: I’m always rediscovering this. Still trust too easily. 

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Haha, yes. 

General

22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life? I’ve met almost all of them IRL but I need to do a purge of those I’ve never really hung out with or talked to... 

23. Do you have any pets? No, sadly. Apartment won’t allow them. 

24. Do you want to change your name? Nah, I’m used to it

25. What did you do for your last birthday? Dinner with the bf and a party at my place with friends.

26. What time did you wake up? 8am ish. Construction in the neighborhood so I was really awake earlier, ugh. 

27. What were you doing at midnight last night? trying to fall asleep

28. Name something you can’t wait for: Time goes too fast anyway. I can wait. 

29. When was the last time you saw your mum? New Years

31. What are you listening to right now? My bf have a phone convo with his dad

32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom? Sure.

33. Something that is getting on your nerves: The fucking construction that starts at 7am Mon-Sat. I work late and I like sleep. Fuckers. 

34. Most visited website: this one, no doubt

35. Hair colour: Blonde at the moment. 

36. Long or short hair? Hitting my shoulders again. To me that’s short but most probably call that medium

37. Do you have a crush on someone: Have you *seen* my blog?? 

38. What do you like about yourself? My capacity to learn. I like growing as a person and as a student. 

39. Piercings: 3 in each ear but I think one’s closed up

40. Blood type: ... I should probably know this, huh? 

41. Nickname: Just call me Strumpet

42. Relationship status: living in delicious sin

43. Zodiac: Aquarius

44. Pronouns: She/her.

45. Favourite TV show: Oh fuck, I dunno if I can choose. BTVS, maybe, because I can rewatch it anytime and still be excited. 

46. Tattoos: Nope! 

47. Right or left handed: Righty but I can do some things with my left.

48. Surgery: Adenoids removed as a kid

49. Piercing: Ears only

50. Sport: No thank you. 

51. Holiday: Halloween

52. Pair of trainers: ... I wear a pair of black and white sketchers a lot so, let’s say those. 

More general

53. Eating: Pasta dish made by bf (who is a much better cook than me)

54. Drinking: Water.

55. I’m about to: watch a movie? 

56. Waiting for: I don’t wanna jinx it so I won’t say just yet

57. Want: a lot of intangible things. Also a Clara Pop. 

58. Get married: We’ve discussed it

59. Career: Just beginning...

60. Hugs or kisses: Yes but only if I like you.

61. Lips or eyes: Eyes.

62. Shorter or taller: Most people are taller than me. Shorter is okay too, though. I love girls who can fit on my lap :-)

63. Older or younger: Me or a partner? Ya’ll know I’m thirsty for older men. I like myself at this age although I miss the body I had in my early 20′s. 

64. Nice arms or nice stomach: I usually like my stomach but not at the moment. On others... I probably notice arms more on men and overall body shape more on women. 

65. Hook up or relationship: Depends on the need and the person. 

66. Troublemaker or hesitant: Hesitant troublemaker. 

67. Kissed a stranger: Hahahahaha. Most my 20′s, yeah. 

68. Drank hard liquor: Years ago. Now only sips. 

69. Lost glasses/contact lenses: No, thank goodness. 

70. Turned someone down: Sure

71. Sex on the first date: It’s been known to happen. 

72. Broken someone’s heart: Yeah... 

73. Had your heart broken: Yes.

74. Been arrested: Nope. 

75. Cried when someone died: Of course. Even the fictional ones. 

76. Fallen for a friend: Sort of? 

Do you believe in …

77. Yourself: It’s a work in progress

78. Miracles: small ones

79. Love at first sight: No. Love takes time. Lust, attraction, connection can all happen quickly but love takes familiarity, shared history and values. Love is work but it’s worth it. 

80. Santa Claus: Not since I was 5.

81. Kiss on the first date: If I felt like it. 

82. Angels: No.

Other

83. Current best friend’s name: I can’t rank my friends in term of “best” because there are so many facets of so many different people that are so meaningful to me. But the friends on here I probably talk with most consistently are @rowofstars, @maplesyrupao3 @elloette @iambicdearie @rufeepeach @petyrbaelish and @bettercall-gameoftywinning but I’ve had wonderful conversations with so many more (like @shipperqueen93 @theladyofthedarkcastle @rbennetwrites @ripperblackstaff @chatteringwench and @evilsnowswan)

84. Eye colour: Blueish, greener or grayer depending on the light.

85. Favourite movie: Probably Labyrinth but I can also watch Death to Smoochy a remarkable amount of times and still laugh

Tagging everyone already tagged in this post as well as @emospritelet @thatravenclawbitch @veradune @quinninthenorth @rose-tylers @thatexactleaf