One thing about me is that I steal my own characters for my ocverse. The blood witch that seals herself in a lake for eternity to drown out the insane voices of a teen boy and her own daughter? My call of duty oc. The rich orphan who's addicted to so many drugs and eventually owns her uncle's trading empire? Spiderverse oc. Insane crossbow-wielding goth? Inside Job oc. Witch draped in silks and velvet who was thrust into a position of leadership against her will? You won't believe this, she's a Vinland Saga oc. I can't stop stealing from myself

Okay, so, question I've had for a while but never got around to asking, what the FUCK is up with Grian's wings?

If all physical differences in players (like those particularly ascribed to 'Hybrids' in mcyt fanon) in Hunger AU are a result of conscious altering of your own code for the express purpose of achieving YOUR IDEAL BODY(tm) then what does that mean for Grian and his wings? No one seems to regard Grian's wings as "What The Fuck, You Can DO That?!?" so presumably wings aren't so big of a change from normal biology that players can't do that. If so, why is it not more common? Man, if I could have wings I'd jump on that in seconds. Especially with the sheer utility the ability to fucking FLY gives players. Are wings (and maybe other larger alterations) just like, REALLY HARD to code in? If so, that might add a really cool layer of "Oh wow! They must be a really good coder!" to players who meet people like that.

On a related note, Grian seems to have a positive regard for his wings, which is interesting because I would be willing to bet he didn't have that before *insert sounds of worm-bursting and non-consensual body modification*. I imagine seeing his wings would likely feel like a reminder of the Watchers and what they did to him. BUT, Watchers manipulate their own code when they change like Grian did to, y'know, not be a worm anymore so Grian probably specifically chose how he looked, right? So, unless he did so really rushed and somehow made a mistake while doing so (which he might not be able to risk the structural damage of correcting), keeping the wings was a conscious decision. Does Grian just not associate his wings with the Watchers or is it something else? Does he just really enjoy having wings?

HELLO I AM SO GLAD YOU'VE ASKED THIS BECAUSE I HAVE ‼️‼️‼️‼️ MANY THOUGHTS ABOUT IT ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Okay okay so these are all SUCH valid questions, lemme go through them one by one. Wings are indeed something anyone could have if they wanted to code them in-- and in fact, i do believe many other Players have wings throughout the universe!!! As far as body mods go, i like to think of them as decently popular, so its definitely not anything too weird to see. In chapter 5, i even make a mention to Pearl having moth wings she occasionally codes in due to preference!!! So wings of many different types are definitely available-- but the catch is that they're real fiddly to code. You cant just give yourself wings, you have to code in the bone structure, the muscles, the tendons, etc etc, and then you have to change your entire body structure as well to work with and fully support them. They can be awkward and unwieldy, as ive tried to show in the fic itself, and i think that alone can be a big discouragement for Players considering coding in wings, along with the sheer coding effort needed to obtain them and make them functional

And the thing is, elytra already exist-- they're far more compact, they dont take up as much space, you can take them on and off super easily without having to mess with your coding, and they basically do the same thing. Sure, its a pain to get one, but a lot of Players really enjoy the sense of accomplishment, and i think theres a bit of cultural prestige too in that regard. Server milestones are a huge thing in Player culture, and getting your first pair of elytra is a big one!!! So it makes sense to me that people who just dont want to go through the effort of coding in wings (which can then in turn complicate how they code other future modifications) primarily stick to elytra.

And everybody is different-- some people prefer attributes that arent wings. I like to think everyone in hermitcraft generally is a mix of "jeez thats effort, i could be building my base instead of doing that" and "eh im fine how i am, i like it" and "well we have elytra shops everywhere so why bother".

So in short, yeah!! Wings are a bit complex to code in. They're still pretty popular, i think plenty of Players do choose to incorporate them, but it takes a lot of hard and thorough work to make sure they function right and wont bug you out when you use them. There are billions of Players scattered across the universe, so what you're seeing in the fic right now is truly just a drop in the ocean when it comes to Player body diversity :] and then, elytra basically already help Players achieve a form of flight without the hassle of recoding their entire body structure, so i think the majority of Players just prefer to use them instead.

AS FOR GRIAN'S WINGS IN PARTICULAR......

Well..... its complicated. Particularly his feelings about them-- in the fic, i referenced them as the only good thing the Watchers ever gave him, and thats how he sees it, i think: a thin silver lining. He's had many, many years to get used to them, and i think he goes through periods where he hates them and the memories attached, too. Ultimately, he's kinda stuck with them, so i think he hit a form of acceptance (as bitter-tinged as it may be) out of sheer necessity for his own sanity.

As for why he has them, and hasnt coded them out: i think of it as a particular quirk of biology/structural coding. Watchers have a more instinctive way of coding than Players, but a Player-minded Watcher is still going to think like a Player, and thats going to muddle things a lot. Grian essentially had to relearn how to code, in a way that satisfied both Player and Watcher-style coding, and the results at first were.... a little rough around the edges. Once he managed to finally take on his original former appearance, the wings from his true form just kind of.... stuck. I like to think it took a few increasingly desperate tries before he realized he just could not figure out how to get rid of them (bc of how different his new code was), and had to accept that this was just how he was gonna have to live for a while until he finally figured it out. And then, well.... you can get used to anything, if you're stuck with it long enough. I think after a while it just stopped being a huge priority, and then he reached a point where it would be more awkward to live without them than with them, and he eventually dropped the idea altogether. And i think sometimes, they function almost like a scar, to him-- a reminder of what he went through, yes, but a reminder that he did manage to escape. And, ofc, he also just really, really likes flying skdjskdjdj

So yeah, loads of complicated feelings there about his wings, and its stuff i do plan on exploring later in the fic!!! This got a little rambly, but i hope this makes sense and answers your questions!!!! :D its a fun little complicated knot that im glad someone has gotten curious enough to ask about!!!!

NEW JUNO EPISODE!!!

(im reasonably early this time lets go)

ramblings and random thoughts follow :D

who’s this chip guy i love him he’s so silly

ive decided i dont like the pet guy hes insulted my new favourite character chip hoffman

‘no he said he didnt like me…and when you think about it thats sort of a challenge’ REAL i love this guy

‘i knew i’d need some help to turn the mood in my favour so i poisoned everyone :D’ cHIP OH MY GOD

bro really posioned everyone and was like ‘you know what everyone else has passed out this would be a great time for some family bonding’ and honestly gotta respect him for that

hey what if lydia…..doesnt seem poisoned…..chip…..does…..but also chip is….a silly guy…..and now i’m…..confused

im suspicious of the bird guy he seems mean :[

WAIT NO IS CHIP A BAD PERSON NO MY BOY WAIT NO

ive got attached to a criminal in 15minutes kevin why and how?

i say that as if 3/4 of the people in this podcast arent also criminals and arent also my favourite

juno being in wonder of of chips plan to just pretend to pass out for literal hours to avoid talking about something…..juno…..juno no…..

OOOOO THE DARK MATTERS STREAM FIRST MENTION (i think maybe im wrong) OOOOOO

HE THOUGHT THEY SPLIT UP BECAUSE OF THE BIRD AHAHAHAHA

ok ok lydia she seems kinda mean but also like…..reasonably straighforward? i dont know if i like her?

OH I DO NOT LIKE THE BIRD GUY FUCK HIM HE IS TERRIBLE

you know what i still love chip stealing from the bird guy is justified

yeahhhh she never had the poison fish!!! im right all the time ever about everything

*rita, very excited*: ‘oh boy whodunnit mista steel??’ rita is so me i love her

‘monty has a habit of repeating things?’ ‘repeating things??’ ‘repeating things.’ LMAO i love this show

WHAT THE FUCK HOW IS THE DEATH OF A BIRD SO SAD IM CRYING WHAT THE FUCK

‘whoever your searching for, they arent going to fill the hole you think they will. nobody ever does.’ NO SHUT UP. JUNO DONT STOP LOOKING FOR NUREYEV PLEASE

‘we are not puzzle pieces destined to click together’. BUT THEY ARE NO

‘do you recognise that?’ ‘i do. but i need to find him Dr Hoffman. He’s in trouble’. HELL YES JUNO ASJKDFKSJGE

fuck yeah we really got the best ending: dont help the piece of shit bird man, help the nice lady, still get what we need

the fact that the moment juno says ‘we’ i know hes talking about nureyev…..*insert sounds of me screming into a pillow*

‘what nureyev was offering was the kind of clean cut lydia was talking about. the chance to start fresh somewhere else….with someone else.’ BUT YA DIDNT

AND HES STILL LOOKING FOR NUREYEV LETS GOOO :D

THE ?DOKANA? (i dont know how to say it) GROUP A NEW LEAD YAYYYY

THEY’RE GETTING CLOSE?????

DOES RITA NOT KNOW ABOUT SLIP????

‘and of course lydia hoffman. she seemed like the happiest of the sad and she’d done it by cutting ties with her past cleanly’ ISTG IF THIS SEASON ENDS WITH JUPETER LEAVING EACHOTHER I WILL NOT SURVIVE

annndd thats the end. we got new answers new leads new angst. i am not ok.

light novel reread, vol. 2 ch. 6: sword and stress

i LOVE THIS CHAPTER. i love this chapter. i have so much to say but i have no clue how much of it is intelligent whatsoever.

it has what could be one of my favorite yasuda illustrations of all time as the chapter cover. i LOVE him. look at him. i can't believe he isnt more popular. do you guys know about him. has he been posted on tumblr yet. ill post him again as his own post because i love him so fucking much.

this is the first instance of shizuo's point of view. i. cannot stress enough how much i love him.

shizaya people, i get it. this is blatantly homoerotic. my toxic trait is loving when media is unintentionally queercoded. like youre wrote them that way dont get mad at me

i love haruna, honestly. she's kind of a stereotypical yandere side character, but she's also the perfect foil to nasujima.

this chapter does so much for both anri and shizuo. this is my favorite chapter in the 2nd novel, i think.

nasujima is such a scumbag and the fact that he 100% gets what he deserves is just so satisfying. insert mikados rant where hes like "i LIKE happy endings! i LIKE cliches!".

this is a turning point for anri. i like anri a lot, but i feel like i'm going to end up really loving her as she gets some actual development in the novels.

this is the moment that anri accepts herself as a wielder of saika, i think. i really wish i could see this reveal for the first time again.

first of all. sad little wet puppy of a man. i love him so so so fucking dearly. ive said it before but i love shizuo on like. a level amount as i do shinra. i LOVE shizuo. shinras just my blorbo because i have a long standing obsession with very normal looking and pathetic men. another toxic trait im afraid 😔 second of all, im really dissapointed that narita chose to say there was "no one in his vicinity" and make a random homophobic aside about izaya (and not even that they hate each other. that izaya is a man), rather than acknowledge that shizuo already receives love and has people in his life who have already been shown to care about him but currently isnt able to accept it. in the first two novels, it's already been established that he's incredibly close to tom, who's stuck with shizuo since middle school, that him and simon think well of each other despite simon's strong pacifist personality, that he's been friends with shinra since he was like five years old, and that he and celty are each other's best friends, not to mention that his family is supportive and loves him unconditionally, especially kasuka. it's just lazy/bad writing to say shizuo is unlovable and then follow that with a passage about him believing "he wasn't allowed to have love for anyone".

narita: this man is a freak. hes a monster hes unlovable. narita, writing celty immediately after: this freak is SO cool. i fucking love this guy

as president of the shizuo and celty are best friend fanclub, this screenshot is something that can be so precious to me, personally, (its saved on my laptop as badass dude)

narita: everyone is scared of shizuo. theyre too scared to love him narita, writing shizuo: thats stupid! im the one whos scared!

it could be my processing issues, but i feel like this is so much clearer in the novels than the anime.

no further comment.

the way that shizuo speaks to his anger as if its a seperate entity from him is very interesting to me. baby boy please go to therapy <3

she's so real for this. i love her.

this is the last chapter of volume 2. all thats left is the epilogue/next prolouge

oh. its 10/16. so short summary before i talk about nothing for a bit too long: a year ago i came up with the idea to actually go through with taking one of my silly ideas and turning it into something that other people could read, so i started drafting the concept of providence, a webcomic i make and thats updating everyday. more talking under the whatever.

so ive always made little stories that i would run through in my head for like two or three months when i had mental downtime, and then move on to some other goofy idea. this is either a totally normal thing or im a freak, honestly i have no frame of reference for how other people act. anyways i was home from college last year and i had this idea for an rpg fantasy story, initially an idea for playing modded minecraft with some friends (god i wish that was a joke), but i started writing shit down in a google doc. i wrote out a handful generic slots for various fantasy classes: witch, dryad, ranger, knight, vampire(not a class but i dont give a fuck), blacksmith, etc. and then i named some of them. i finished naming and writing out plot nonsense in november and changed the name of the comic from "Drive-By" to "Liberty" to "Providence."

honestly i think that was the easy part because its totally non-commital. unfortunately after that i had to actually start making the pages. the original plan was to finish act one before may, which was an optimistic goal to say the least, but also maybe if i didnt have to do anything else it would have been totally possible. or if i was just faster in general. anyways i started drawing everything at the end of december and then didnt stop for 6 months. actually thats a lie, i started drawing pages and havent stopped since then, but what i meant is that i started uploading the comic in may. i had a backlog of about 75 pages and the art change just in that time was nuts. comparing act 2 art to act 1 is more nuts but im not about to redraw the 170 pages of a1 just so that its APPEALING and PALLETEABLE. i learned way more about web design from doing this comic than from my actual web design class. like insanely more. you have no idea how little that class helped me with anything aside from making friends through mutual hatred of being poorly taught.

sixo de mayo (may 6th) came and i started doing this thing for real, and its been so surreal having people actually talk to me about these guys that have been in my head for months. my sister recently asked if deacon was my self-insert, which is sort of true but only in the sense that we both have social issues and like to be dumb on sort-of-purpose, and then she told me that her favorite character was reagan. theres not really any deep meaning behind her telling me or that reagan is my favorite too, but its just so surreal to me that people can have a favorite, or any opinion, on these characters i obsess over.

alright i think im done for now, i just wanted to talk about the comic on its sort of birthday, and also the day that the gang got pulled into the story. i mentioned that vaguely in the story once already, but im cool with being more direct about it. ill probably go on another rant again about this sometime, maybe on sixo de mayo, but probably sooner because im obsessive and like to type. happy birthday comic, heres to a million more. or however many years it takes to make a 5 act story at a rate of like 200 pages in 10 months. hopefully that number will go up.

"how come smokers and drinkers aren't shamed?" dude I CONSTANTLY see people shitting on smokers and calling them disgusting, addicts, etc and talking about how horrible second hand smoke is. I also see tons of people talking about drinking culture and how dangerous it is esp with teens drinking, drinking and driving, alcoholism, etc.

yeah but i fucking see people do that way more to fat people alright especially in casual settings like yeah when shits serious and we’re talking about drinking and driving i get that drinkers are “shamed” (drinking and driving is way more dangerous than being fat btw) but im just saying in school and shit the kids who drank at parties were the popular ones and were seen as “so cool” i mean have you ever even fucking watched a teen movie meanwhile the fat kids are bullied relentlessly and told they’re ugly and nobody will ever love them (fucking happened to me dont try and say that shit doesnt fucking happen) nobody calls someone a “drinker” or a “smoker” as an insult like they do with fat haha i’d be walking down the halls and get some asshole kid calling me fatty i never ONCE heard “smoker” or “drinker” shouted at akid in the hallways count how many fucking times you see drinking get treated as fun or normal like that “two shots of vodka” vine or the memes on facebook of “doctor only said one glass a day *insert fucking huge wine glass*” or how you can turn the tv on to the view or whatever and see women drinking wine at 8 in the morning or how even how the word “lit” is generally a positive one or how drinking is seen as so cool kids are making fake ids and asking older people to buy alcohol for them or how drinking is generally seen as a fun party activity in too many fucking instances and movies and media and real life shit ive seen to even fucking name basically people think getting super fucking drunk is a real good time but people cry about getting fat!!!! hm fucking think about that, maybesmoking isnt nearly as glorified as it used to be i’ll admit that but still i constantly see fucking indie aesthetic pictures of dude smoking without a single comment about how “disgusting” and “unhealthy” it is whereas the majority of pictures of fat people are flooded with hateful comments hm ITS ALMOST AS IF PEOPLE DONT CARE ABOUT HEALTH AND JUST THINK FAT PEOPLE ARE ICKYnot to mention on a medical level ive never heard a drinker or smoker be dismissed like i been told to lose weight as if it’d cure my fucking GENETIC CONDITION THATS BUILT INTO MY FUCKING DNA not to mention being fat doesnt inherently equal being unhealthy as opposed to drinking and smoking which are horrible for yousorry if i sound hostile its cause i am since ive been getting shit on nearly my whole goddamn life for being fat and it kinda pisses me off that some fucking people crawl out from under their rock acting like highly-glorified shit like drinking gets as bad of a fucking rep in social settings and in media as being fat :)

hey can i ask a personal question for the members of ghostfruits; how do u guys personally deal with suicidal ideation and self harm? i notice that theres alot of mentions of death/depression/suicide/etc in your comics, and im a huge fan of you guys and im currently struggling with my own demons and thought I would ask. i hope this isnt too intrusive, feel free to ignore me.. - a suicidal, depressed fan.

i know we’re in public rn but i’m gonna just talk to u like a person, real quick. im going to talk to u like i would have if u were like in front of me

its like 2am and so im worried i might not be as lucid as i think. im sorry in advance if this is like, whole gibberish

im gonna speak for just myself, as the the person who is most often inserting specifically that kind of shit into our work, but definitely not like, the only person on this side like massively struggling with a similar variety of things

i dont know

a lot of people seem to be making work about problems they Used To have, and like ways they Used To feel, and like overcame, and then it becomes safe for them to make like, art about it. like the turmoil happens behind the scenes and then they like open up abt it publically after the fact via art. or at least like thats what im seeing happen, or like, ppl talk abt like "i made this bc it would have helped me figure my shit out sooner if someone had made s/t like this for me" and the like, probably dissappointing truth of it here is i'm bleeding in like real time. i dont have solutions to it. you and me are both in the immediate thick of the same kind of emotion. i didnt manage to puzzle it out. when i was 9 i started feeling like i wanted to kill myself and im 25 and ive wanted that, still, the entire time. i dont all the way know why its like that. sometimes i used to think it was like, a reaction to specific kinds of hardship or loss or dissatisfaction with my circumstances, but lately ive been worried that maybe good things or good times or good feelings are just like, distracting me from something that is my Actual desire, that being dead is the path im just like occassionally straying from. when i say that out loud i have a really easy time imagining a second person telling me that isnt a healthy thing to be saying or feeling, which usually means it isnt, but thats like, really how i am feeling, that is really where i am at with it. that probably means i dont have any business directing another persons like, outlook on it

so

while i cant tell you how to live with it, or cope with it, or manage it, bc im not doing any of those things, i can tell you really confidently that i dont think you should be dead, and you're being misdirected by either yourself or the world or like something else altogether into thinking thats the key that fits into whatevers in front of you. i know i dont know you, but i know like, a lot of people, and iv never felt like any of them should be dead. ive never met anybody who i thought itd be like fine if they died. theres people im hugely indifferent to, theres people i hate, there are people who have hurt me or others enormously and ive still never thought in earnest like "this persons best plan of attack i think is to kill themselves"not like anybody. not like anybody ever. iv said some fucking wild shit abt niggas but iv never said that, and i cant imagine ever saying it. or thinking it, or feeling it. i dont imagine youd be like an exception to that

thats easy to say, but, im not the person who has to live with it tho. thats easy to say to you but you still have to wake up tomorrow and live out whatever has got you so fucked up you're at like, a death point with it, and if youre coming here to ask abt it, youve probably exhausted a lot of other options already ill bet. and its like, probably wack as fuck to meet like another dead end here too. i dont know if youre still reading this even. i probably wouldnt be. iv had madd niggas hem and haw at me forever abt "temporary problems permanent solutions" and then just like shuffle me out of their office or living room or whatever and expect im not supposed to like pop myself on their doorstep. niggas acting like im fucking playing. like i got it out of my system bc we had one conversation and now im supposed to go eat lunch and be regular. idk. id be very mad at me, if i were you. i dont know if you are, but i wouldnt blame you for that. the reason i say all this is to articulate like;its possible that after hitting another roadblock here, youll feel like, "ok then fuck it" and like set your sights on just like, doing it. like bc i didnt have any jewels for u it would like reinforce it maybe. i would like u to consider this tho;

theres MADD niggas smarter than me. i was extremely useless to you just now. this is not like the pinnacle of help you're ever going to get. the answers you need for this exist even if youve already turned over a dozen rocks and theyve all been like, as useless, as this, tht has like absolutely no bearing on if the next rock will have useless shit under it. every single time u flip a coin it has the exact same chance of going one way or the other. this like did not have the medicine u need in it but the main thing i would want to stress to u is that it *does* exist and uve just had like a supremely shitty time finding it

somebodys got it. the only thing i can like confidently promise u is that somewhere, somebody, definitely knows the answer to this. u might be the person even. im not sure. /i/ def havent found it but like its in the mix somewhere. idk

i cant prove it to u but im positive ur not done yet, & you should stay

i didnt read back over any of this after i typed it, & so im gonna apologize again if it was just like, fullblown nonsense

I turned 30 and got my tubes tied

Just shy of a week ago I had my very first surgery — I got my tubes tied. Although, “getting your tubes tied” is sort of an out-of-date term these days come to find. Nowadays, removing your entire fallopian tubes is the standard for a couple of reasons: removing them completely (as opposed to tying, clamping or cauterizing) can prevent the occurrence of an ectopic pregnancy and can reduce the risk for Ovarian Cancer. Dude, I have so much cancer in my family, if I can reduce my risk for one kind, I’m down. 

I’m really glad I’ve never had surgery before because going into it blindly was probably the best thing for me. I had no idea what to expect and if I had I think I would have been even more of an anxious mess than I already was. I am the queaziest, most fainty human being on the planet, so the entire experience of having the 3 attempts to put my IV in was a little hellish. But being put under felt pretty cool and before I knew it, I was waking up and it was all over. It took a solid 3 days of doing nothing but laying on my back and hobbling to the toilet before I started to feel like a human again. And let me tell you — having a boyfriend with an amazing sense of humor kind of sucks when laughing causes you pain. But he took the best care of me and 6 days later I’ve got a way less bloated and swollen tummy (looked like I was pregnant for a couple days) and my insides feel like normal again. I’ve got these 3 sweet battle wound scars — two on either side of my lower abdomen and one in my belly button — and I can officially say that I’m sterile as a cotton ball. 

I’m pretty excited that I now have a response when people inevitably ask “So when are you and Jonah going to have a baby?” I’m going to enjoy it a little too much to be able to say, “Never actually. I had my tubes tied.” Telling people you don’t want kids makes them incredibly uncomfortable for some reason. I’ve never really understood it, but one of two things usually happen. One: they get real awkward and change the subject, never to be visited again. Or two: the barrage of questions begins. Some people are genuinely interested. Some people feel the same way and I get high fives. Some people do the whole, “well, you’ve got plenty of time to change your mind” routine. 

The thing that probably kills me the most though is when people ask why. 

“Why don’t you want to have kids? If you don’t mind my asking,” they’ll say.

You got a few hours? People ask this question like its a simple answer. Dude, if its a simple answer, I highly recommend that you don’t get sterilized because one simple answer isn’t sufficient. I have scores of reasons! And the reasons why I don’t only stand to inform the actions I would take if I oddly changed my mind someday. 

I thought I’d share some of my many reasons with you all. Some are emotional, some are physical, some are financial — they’re all over the place. If you don’t care — thats cool. If you think I’m stupid — you’re entitled to your opinion. But I do think it would broaden your vision a bit to read why someone might not want to reproduce. If you’re one of the people judging me, I encourage you to take a moment to learn about someone different than yourself.

1. Physically, I legit can’t handle it. I know every woman is probably terrified of actually giving birth, but I literally could not handle it. I have to lay down to get a flu shot, and stay laying down for a solid 10 minutes or I’ll pass out. Getting my blood drawn makes me faint every time. And just discussing the process of inserting a NuvaRing with my gyno made me lightheaded and have to lay down. Getting my lady exam every year makes me so nervous I often present with high blood pressure because my nerves get the better of me so badly. Don’t think I could handle 9 months of discomfort, thinking about whats happening to my insides, and then the inevitable pain of actual birth. And even if I somehow could handle it — I don’t want to put myself through that. No thanks, I’ll pass.

2. Financially, I don’t want the burden. People may think thats a cold reason to not want kids, but I’m just being honest. I’m a fucking millennial for god’s sake — I’ll be drowning in student loan debt until the day I die, paying off only the interest on my income based repayment plan each month. I’m just now at 30 years old feeling stable with my own income for the first time ever. And to be 100% honest with you, I want to spend my money on me and my partner, not a small person who doesn’t even understand what money is and how hard I have to work for it. If you can look past that — high five to you, but I can admit that I’m not that big of a person.

3. I don’t want the strain on my body. I’m not special in that I’ve struggled with my body image my whole life. And sure — you can argue all you want that having kids is more rewarding than having a hot bod. And I’m sure thats true for some people. But vainly, I just don’t want to ruin my body like that. I’ve got enough stretch marks on my inner thighs and love handles from when I was heavier. I shall opt for keeping my bladder and vagina and breasts in tact for as long as I can. #SorryNotSorry

4. It’s not what I want my day to day life to be about. I enjoy being around kids of a certain age for a very short amount of time, and somehow that window gets smaller and smaller as they get older. I don’t have enough time for myself, I can’t even imagine having every moment be about feeding and changing and crying and being sick and everything else. Worrying about myself and the people I love is all I have the energy and time for folks. Its wonderful that some people are happy having every day be about play dates and going to the park and doing whatever Mommy-and-Me crap you mothers out there do — but thats just not who I am. I enjoy traveling and seeing the world, experiencing art and theater and music, trying really hard and failing at making alone time for myself, falling in love with Jonah more and more every day, searching for a woman to fall in love with at the same time, and a million other things I could spend hours writing about. In everything I want for my life, there just isn’t a kid running around in that mix.

5. I’ve got some weird Mom-related reasons swirling around in my noggin, too. My relationship with my mother was very special to me. I was an only child raised by a single mom and that, my friends, creates bonds unlike any other. In the three years since she’s died, I’ve realized how sacred my time with her was. I even had a window of time where I thought I was going to cancel getting my tubes tied because I had this morbid realization that by having a baby, and possibly a little girl, I could have a piece of my mom back again. Thats not a healthy way to think. I talked my feelings out with my loved ones and ended up back at my decision to have the procedure. Somehow, the mother-daughter relationship that I had with her is the only one I want to have in my life. 

6. Other areas in my life deserve my love and attention more than a child. First and foremost — my love life is too important to me. Jonah is my world. And aside from the fact that on our first date he told me he didn’t want to have any more kids (he has a daughter from a previous relationship), our life doesn’t have room for an infant. Our life together — my career, my company, other creative and business ventures I have brewing in my head, Jonah’s music,  our love life being polyamorous — all of these things deserve my love and attention more than having a baby. And guess what? As mentioned above, I already get to have a daughter in a sense! I get to have this super cool friendship/stepmom/parent-type thing with a wonderful little girl that came from the man of my dreams. I can’t wait to see her blossom into a young woman and see what she’ll achieve in life. ALSO, I have an amazing nephew who is about the same age and even though I don’t get to see him every day the way his mom saw me every day, I love the bond I have with him and getting to see him grow into such a sweet and upstanding young man. All of this and more deserve my love and attention more than creating another human.

7. I don’t think its necessary to populate the world with more people. If I lose anyone big time with any of these reasons, I think this one might be it. We as human beings are literally ruining this planet. There are too many people in existence as it is. We’re polluting the ocean at an alarming rate, global warming is all our fucking fault, and every year more and more animals hit that endangered species list or worse, become extinct. Don’t get me started on animal rights! More people just create more garbage, more waste, more problems. I’m sure you love your big family and think you’re not part of the problem, but guess what — we all are. I don’t want to add to it. I can help not add to it by the following...

8. I would choose adoption over reproducing any fucking day. When I had my initial doctors appointment to schedule my tubal ligation, my doctor obviously asked me why I wanted the procedure done. I rambled off a few of these reasons I’ve just shared with you and closed with this: “If for some crazy reason I want nothing more than to have a child 10 years from now, I would want to adopt anyway.” And that was the end of that conversation. There are so many children that need foster homes or to be adopted. In Minnesota alone, an article from this past January from Kare 11 states that “this year alone some 17,000 children will need temporary, out-of-home placements.” I saw an adorable little boy at the grocery store the other day running in front of his parents. For one second I thought, there are I don’t even know how many little boys just like him that need homes across the globe. The thought broke my heart. If I wake up 5 years from now and want nothing more than to be a mom, I want to change someone’s life and give them the loving home they otherwise might not ever have.

9. I’ve never had a strong will to be a mother. Sure, when you’re in grade school you might trade future baby names with your girlfriends at recess. For me it was Hayden for a boy and Aslynn for a girl. But as a teenager and adult, that daydream disappeared. I’ve never longed to be a mother, or to have any sort of a conventional life for that matter. It’s always seemed really boring and expected and normal. One of the very very few positive things that came out of my relationship with my ex-husband was the day he helped me realize that I just assumed I’d have kids someday because thats what society had drilled into me. The moment I stood back and really honestly asked myself, “Do I want kids?” I had my answer. No. And I’ve never looked back.

10. Most importantly, my body was made for more than reproduction. I know we don’t live in medieval times — this isn’t Game of Thrones no matter how much I wish it was. We live in an age of being a career mom and female empowerment up the wazoo. But theres still this thing floating around out there in the world that its expected of me to reproduce. Ridiculous abortion laws like the one that just passed in Georgia that makes it illegal to get an abortion after 6 weeks makes me feel like we’re only glimpsing the tip of the iceberg of whats coming down the pipes. The only person who can control what I do with my body is me goddamn it. My female body can do just as much (AND MORE) than any male body can. Maybe its just me being stubborn or thinking I’m more important than I am, but I firmly believe my body can do a million more important things shit out children. I truly believe we are heading to a Handmaid’s Tale existence, and I won’t be a part of it. I refuse.

I didn’t write this blog to make you feel like shit if you are a mother, and enjoy being a mother. Everyone is different. I respect that. But we all have different perspectives. And I truly believe that there are a lot of moms out there that didn’t think long and hard enough about this life-changing decision, and now they’re stuck with it for life. At the end of the day — you’re going to do you, and I’m going to do me. But maybe you have a little insight into what goes on in a head like mine, and why motherhood doesn’t have to be your future if you don’t want it to be.

I’ll be honest with you — I sort of have this weird feeling that for once I have total control over my own body. Pregnancy has been this fear stamped on my love life since I took that dive at 14 and I finally feel free from it. I don’t know, maybe I’m blowing it out of proportion. I could be feeling that way because I just bought my first house and have this cool, new perspective on taking control of my life. But somehow, I’ve never felt more in control in 👏🏻 my 👏🏻 life 👏🏻

Watch out world. The only one in control of my life and my body is me. 

Can you tell me about your bsd ocs and how you met them? I really enjoy ics and self-inserts and this blog is one of my personal favorites.

Oh!!! Yes yes, of course, I would absolutely love to! You’re very sweet ;w; it’s always so hard for me to imagine that tho like wh?! You actually like other peoples’ characters, even ones based on themselves??? I thought everyone hated that- so that’s why it’s a blessing to have you around, heehee! I’m glad to be one of your favorites

So I take it you know me! I will introduce you to my friends (and enemies…)

Daniel Fenton is not an OC, he’s just straight-up based on Danny Phantom because I like cartoons and that’s my second biggest fandom. It just felt weird not having him here, and he really fits in! Here he’s come to Japan with his family for work reasons, and his ghost powers are an ability instead - Going Ghost. They’re more limited here - none of that green energy blast stuff, just floating and being spooky. He saved Dazai from drowning in a river a lot like Atsushi! So Dazai set up a staged entrance exam (where he saved yours truly!) and he joined because the boy super needed money.If you’d like to read the story about that, I can share it later on! Anyways, he’s kind of always running out on his own little adventures, coming back with all the bumps and bruises he doesn’t want to talk about… Cool thing is Yosano can heal him any time with a snap of her fingers because he’s already half dead as it is! He’s a little protective of me, even from Dazai, but ah! We have real-world emotional history, so his connection to me there is strong. 

Theodore Sadau is an OC I’ve had for a long time but he’s very different here. He’s ordinarily the greatest hero but here he’s the worst villain… A Guild member who’s deluded into thinking he’s a prince and deserves to be treated as such, though he steps over everyone else. I met him in a battle and he hurt me so badly… Dazai came to save me but it was Daniel who beat him into the ground after that. His ability is Prince of Shadows, and it works exactly the same way as Danny’s, to our horror. The singularity of the ability was something that Dazai had not heard of in a long time until that battle…

Celil Memmedquluzade has a long and strange name but he’s based on an author from my country of Azerbaijan, and I’ve read all his works. The Disappearance of the Donkey, despite its title is the most depressing thing I’ve ever read and is what his ability is based on. In perfect contrast to mine (which can bring anyone to me), his ability can send anyone and anything away to any place he’s been with just one touch… But he’ll never know where. It could be back to his home country or just across the street. He joined Fyodor out of desperation even though he hates him, and is always trying to pull me away from the Agency,  find a way to leave, insistent that we don’t belong here… But I belong more in Yokohama than he ever will with the Russians. I can’t ever go back there even if there’s nothing more in the world that he wants than to return.

I have many more OCs based on authors (check them out over here or here!) that I just haven’t met in the plot, so I’m not putting them here! But the rest of the OCs I’m gonna list are all my friends, real friends who made characters for the BSD universe alongside me and have allowed me to include them in my storyline! You can see more of them here! There are many of them as well but I will focus on the ones that show up or that I mention the most!

My best friend is my actual best friend, @bishamn! Ioanna is in-universe a Greek ability user. We met when she came to Yokohama for leisure but the Mafia tried to steal her away! The Agency saved her and she ended up staying mostly because Dazai decided I needed a friend. Her ability is The Third Chance, which can turn anyone invisible and intangible (rendering them useless in a fight) for a certain amount of time, but it only works the third time she tries to use it. 

@theartisticintrovert is the Junichirou to my Naomi in a MUCH less weird and possessive way, but seriously! My surrogate big brother is Tyler, a Korean-American come to Japan, his ability Grudge sends everyone into deep and sudden anxiety which gets worse the longer he stays quiet. We met in Yokohama International School, shared a creative writing class. Then one day his ability went off super badly, and, well! Junichirou and I were sent to investigate. We ended up roping him in and he adopted Q at some point. It’s great, send him an ask about it!

Miss Momo-chan, an American come to Japan for work and having found it at the Agency, she’s the person to go to who knows everything about where anything is and how to help you with your emotional problems - and is remarkably good at putting up with Kunikida’s, er, strictness! I wonder why… @moreroads​ worked at the Agency before I was there and helped me a lot through all of my troubles!

@musical-selfshipper​ is someone you’ll never forget, and neither will I. An emotion manipulator, ability by the name of Ganymede. Chinese-Taiwanese-American, she’s Poe’s girl and it’s a wonder, he’s so shy and she’s so not, but you gotta love their love! We met when she joined the Agency straight forward, sometime after the mess with the Guild, but details about her exam are a little sketchy for now. 

Shelby is an American non-ability user clerk for the Agency who’s kind of a cryptid and a huge conspiracy theorist. Resident Ranpo lover @shelf-insert is another victim I’ve roped into joining the Agency! Nobody’s really sure if she was always in the Agency or not, but she’s for certain one of my greatest friends, and always has the greatest advice!

Millie is another clerk for the Agency! Beautiful dark skinned American friend not sweet on @minty-selfships, oh no…! :3 We met because she joined a short while after I did, but didn’t talk much until I decided that she and Atsushi were even more of a hopeless oblivious mess than me and Dazai ever were…! So the matchmaking and a great friendship began.

Let’s not forget @selfshipstation, the source of Sylvia Plath (that’s not her real name, she just forgot it and chose that one instead). Ability by the name of Amnesia, she ends up with the Guild after wiping her own memory and goes on quite a few dates with Mark!

There are MANY, MANY more (Nicole, Nezumi, Annie, Andrea, Rhiannon, Rue, Dante, Brianna, Simon, Cherri) and they are all amazing friends and great people who are definitely part of my story as a whole but for one reason or another I won’t elaborate on them!! Some whose self-insert I don’t know, some who aren’t as into BSD despite having a character, and some who I just haven’t talked to recently enough… If you’d like more info and my full ability user list tho, here’s my !! pride and joy, a document of all of them!!!

quick little summary/title: this started out as a rant but if you scroll down to the large bold, there’s a metaphor that should hopefully help explain why terfs are so god damn awful and dangerous

me? sending an ask off-anon to a terf because im both pissed and a fucking dumbass? its more likely than youd think

in fact! im not even gonna censor the word terf! if i dont feel like dealing with their bullshit replies and rbs then i literally just fucking wont!! yeah they might send in death threats but guess the fuck what?? im leaving my anon on fuckers, because honestly that shits gonna be funny to me! and if they try to doxx me (very unlikely, but i am trans and its not riskier to mention that because its already obvious, and ive never directly made a post about terfs before, so i really dont know whats gonna happen) or something then like! im a minor! we can sue those shitheads and hopefully bring more media awareness to how god damn shitty terfs are! literally dont even start, lmao.

have the damn ask because i wanna elaborate on it

“hi there! i wish you’d delete your tumblr, because you are dangerous. you are a violent misogynist, and make me ashamed to be a feminist.

you’re gonna attack me because i’m off anon, but you’d probably call me a coward if i was on it, lmao.

anyway! stop disguising your misogyny and transphobia with shitty ass ‘feminism’. i was raised by a feminist with a feminist mom who literally can’t believe y’all exist because your ideas are SO far from actual feminism.

just say you hate trans people and go.”

tbh? its so fucking wild to me how they literally spit out misogyny, transphobia, and lesbophobia but then get all pissy when someone calls them out on it,, but then have the nerve to accuse that person of being misogynistic and lesbophobic? like,, honey. honey, what? the fuck? how much of a dumbass are you?

because like. im a pretty big dumbass! like ive walked into a mirror before because i thought it was a door! im a dumbass!

but even i know that trans women literally cannot discriminate against cis women by saying that theyre (plural, but trans women can 100% use they and thats totally valid) women! because guess the FUCK what?? theyre fucking women! if yall shitheads (terfs) wanna call that misogyny then yall cant call yourselves women either!

if yall assholes wanna call a specific group of lesbians/wlw pointing out, “hey! we experience discrimination because of an entirely irrelevant physical feature we all happen to share that has literally no actual affect on whether or not we are women/wlw” lesbophobia or speaking over minorities then wow.

wow.

wow, are yall gonna be shocked when (if) you realize what the hell yall doing that qualifies as.

oppressors literally depicting and/or committing fucking hate crimes, sometimes even as serious as murder, rape, etc. (this is referring to terfs, i should never have to point that out) is NOT comparable to an oppressed as hell minority saying that people who literally want them dead should not be in safe spaces intended for people of a community they both happen to belong to.

to put this into perspective for yall out there literally worse than garbage (terfs)! imagine this scenario.

youre in a community of women. trans women may or may not be a part of this particular community, shut the fuck up, thats irrelevant. a group of straight women pop up, and start saying that being wlw is misogynistic and harmful to women. this is bullshit. you know that immediately. why wouldn’t it be? you explain to them the obvious reasons why it is not. they ignore you.

they begin to spew utter bullshit, claiming things like “women should never marry other women. you’re ignoring the fact that a man’s place is as a woman’s wife, and basically trying to be men, which is like admitting that men are superior.” or, “as straight women, you flaunting your homosexuality,” the woman gestures to a lesbian couple who aren’t even holding hands and haven’t been touching the whole time theyve been there. one has a small rainbow heart sticker on her purse. “makes me feel threatened in my femininity. (insert plural of 4 letter slur against lesbians that i dont feel comfortable typing a single letter of) arent really women, their existence is heterophobia and misogyny. they shouldn’t be allowed in female-only spaces because they normalize masculinity.”

over time, this group of straight women grows. they call themselves feminists, claim theyre fighting for the rights of all women! unless those women happen to love other women and dont perfectly fit their (cisnormative too but terfs are awful so they like that) heteronormative idea of a woman. they protest at the very idea of saying “significant others”, “partners”, or even “wives and/or husbands” because it doesnt fit their idea of being a woman. because they think having a wife and loving women is only for men.

eventually, they start getting braver and braver. they start going to feminist rallies, and if they spot gay women, or even women they think look gay, theyll get up in their faces, threaten them, call them slurs. theyll try to record them, try to get them fired from their jobs or outed to unsupportive families. or even just expose them to the potential of assault in their day-to-day life. because theyre gay. and that doesnt affect the straight women at all, but they hate diversity and are homophobes. so they need an excuse.

sometimes theyll get their other gay-exclusive feminist friends to record them committing violent acts against wlw feminists, just to take stills from those videos out of context when the gay women defend themselves, and then go crying to the media, twisting the roles of victim and aggressor to paint a violent picture of wlw. they say that feminist rallies should be an event only for real women or allies to their cause—meaning, to them, no wlw, and certainly no mlm. they probably even try to turn all homophobia towards gay men into a sexism issue (they are sometimes tied, but not mostly). but they lose their shit when anyone tries to tell them to get out of these safe spaces for women, because by attacking wlw for literally nothing beyond existing, they are ruining the safe part.

people start to become ashamed to call themselves feminists, and are often lumped in with these homophobes. even if they themselves are gay. straight feminists who love, support, and fight for wlw begin to feel guilty for being straight. new labels for feminist ideology begin popping up, the gay-exclusive feminists strike them down and turn them into jokes.

their end goal is to reverse victories like gay marriage, remove gay representation both in the media and in history books (sometimes even arguing that famous wlw were ‘just close friends’ with their wives or girlfriends), and to send wlw right back to hiding and marrying men for fear of their lives.

all in the name of thinly veiled homophobia feminism!

but wait, you cry, that sounds nothing like feminism! it actually sounds like misogyny and homophobia!

exactly!

think about who yall are the real-life equivalent of in that scenario.

need a hint because youre so brainwashed? try changing ‘gay/wlw’ to ‘trans’, ‘straight’ to ‘cis’, and ‘gay-exclusive’ to ‘terf’.

i doubt any of them will actually read through this, let alone realize their flawed perspective due to it, but hey. maybe ill sway some people who’re on the fence about how horrible terfs are.

thank you !

^^ dis gif isn't mine. but that's totally my face.

Here it is! This is my big dumb 'thank-you' post that I've been meaning to write. So if you weren't aware, I've actually closed this blog (aside from some random posts about Logan and a Batman Podcast - you should listen to it) due to some major, major problems with the DC fandom that I find toxic and quite frankly disgusting. But das stuff that sadly I can't change so I'm doing what's best for me and getting my ass outta here before my love for Batman is forever ruined by blind and immature fanboys.

i started writing bryce around about 2015. My first blog was called surgitisms but I changed it because someone made some burnbook callout about me copying someones url (I had no idea that blog existed rofl - surgit is latin for 'rise'). I then moved to rageinyourbones (shoutouts to joseph gordon levitt) where i spent most of my time, developing this character that wasn't even my idea - it was just a passing remark from a lovely actress by the name of Natalie Dormer. now as you're aware (and as i continually apologize for) i fucked up on that blog, and i've done my best to reach out and make amends with the people i offended (and they were super gracious and accepted my apology). but that negative bollocks aside, i grew up so much on that blog. i learned some amazing things about myself, i learned some bad things about myself, and most importantly i created a character that i personally believe is different to bruce wayne. i ended up headcannoning late at night, thinking about how she would act differently to bruce, about how she would interact with certain characters etc etc etc.

but what really made all the difference was the people i met.

you guys are fucking amazing. i mean lets be real - the tumblr rp community can be fucked sometimes. we've all seen it, but what i love is that we tend to (80% of the time) treat each other as real human beings and see that what we're really here for is just the love of these dumb fictional characters. they give us a break from the savagery of life and its endless woes. i am so, so so grateful and so so so blessed to have known the people i have on here. people whom i met on rageinyourbones and followed me across to here, and people whom i met here. holy bollocks im rambling - im just gonna tag some specific people who really really made my life on here so enjoyable. the rest i'll just lump into one big post because i'm lazy like that.

@fracturedportrait - harmony. i remember meeting you the first time. i remember it so clearly. you were so chill, so spunky (god i feel old using that word), and you had such a passion for your oc. i remember the first plot we had, the inspiration we shared... who knew that it was the beginning of my greatest friendship and my #1 OTP for bryce. you were the first person whom i ever actually spoke to off tumblr (remember when i called you?? and you heard my dumb aussie accent??). i remember legitimately getting teary over memes, i remember smiling so much during our threads, i remember (and still do) laugh about us talking about how our sin is like a lovely vintage of wine. your writing consistently, unimaginably, pushes and has pushed me to better mine. with every post you made, you helped improve my writing. you are such a blessing to me and i am not going to just let this stay as some dumb tumblr friendship. we'll face time, and i'll be sure to credit you when i'm on the red carpet with natalie dormer being like 'so what made you want to write this film about a female batman?'. i'll just be like 'yo there was this really cool chick who wrote a vampire and she told me to just write this film'.

@halysborn - SWAN. ho man. do you remember when i wrote that giant meta about how dick literally changed not just bryce's life, but bruce's? i firmly believe that dick is the most important character in bruce's life. and i mean i'm talking on the same level as alfred - even more. he's the TRUE son. the son whom saved him. like i just cry about how bruce says that line - 'sometimes i think i've never done any good in my life. then i look at dick and realize i'm wrong' or whatever that actual phrase is. i PHYSICALLY VOM WHEN PEOPLE SHIP THEM. but yo that's other stuff. what's important is that you have supported me selflessly and without strings. you've supported me here, you've supported me over on deshibcsara, you've just been a consistent rock, an unyielding foundation of encouragement. i still, and will NEVER delete that voice recording where you talk about me and my love for batman. it gives me such hope and reminds me that, yeah i fuck up, but i've at least affected someone else's life and how they see batman. my only regret is that i was so goddamn slow with replying to our stuff. and that was literally because i felt like you deserved nothing but my absolute best. you are incredible, and from one aussie to another, i love you brocookie!

@femmekill - could u pls stop spamming my facebook wall with memes?? SIKE I LIED. I FUCKING LOVE IT. my mum literally asked me the other night 'who is -insert your real name-?' and i was like 'oh thats my wife' and she was like '???' and i just said 'dont even BOTHER trying to understand'. you have been nothing but optimistic about me. you consistently, relentlessly see the good in me. i dont think there's ever been a time where like i've felt wronged by you? or at the very least felt like i was a burden to you? you never fail to spread positivity. even when you were feeling like shit and i tried to cheer you up, it's like you turned it on me and were like 'nah gus you're not cheering me up IM CHEERING YOU UP - thats how it works'. im so fucking whipped by you, because you're just such a blessing to my life. the day we shared FB's was like the day i realized 'WELP IM IN THIS MARRIAGE FOR LIFE NOW'. when it comes to your writing - i'm just breathless. the tumblr rp fandom does not deserve you. keep doing your thing man - don't ever let douchebag anons change that.

@marblebelow - I SINCERELY HOPE YOU STILL HAVE THE RECORDING OF ME SINGING 'THE CONFRONTATION'. especially with the 'DUN DUN DUN DUUUUUUN'. that shit is lit. yo but mikel really. the days of us writing together - writing fisk/bryce and then writing jim/bryce... i value it so much. you've taught me to pursue every little nuance in bryce's character. and i mean that - you ask me tiny little questions, and holy crap i end up going into a massive internal investigation. and worst of all (or best??) you jsut lavish me with genuine, kind words. i regret that we didnt get to write much more (both of us having major stress/overwhelmed issues), but dude, like, never stop being you - you have such overwhelming, unimaginable depths of creativity. even if you don't realize it, or feel like you don't, believe me - you do. it sounds like -- errr.... arrogant? but ive spent the last six years studying writing/fiction/film and just immersing myself in it so i feel like i have SOME credibility - you really really do have a gift.

@ivyworn - 'yes hello i'd like to report a murder? the victim is ME' aka this is what happens whenever we talk. so we never actually got to do much writing, but honestly? i literally feel like we did writing in the SPIRIT with all of our tumblr IMs and just the amount of shit talking we did. PUMA. LEST WE FORGET. PUMA. no but real talk, i was supposed to send you a birthday gift aka im still gonna get my ass onto paypal and do that SO DONT YOU LEAVE YOUR BLOG. AND YOU CANNOT SAY NO. i've never met anyone whom has such an in-depth love and understanding for ivy. i remember chatting about Cast Shadows with you and the level of complexitity between Batman and Ivy. i mentioned this but Batman/Ivy is literally my OTP for Bruce. i just think it is such an interesting avenue that no writer (post Cast Shadows) has explored. whenever we spoke, i had such a smile on my face, i cannot even begin to desribe it. i really really hope life goes well for you and treats you with the care and respect you DESERVE.

@psyclownsis @scarestress tags both blogs bc i have no idea where you are these days. so i already recorded that voice meme thing talking about you piri - but i literally just want to further express my admiration and gratitude for you. you've stuck by me, you've pulled me aside and been like 'oi gus you're being a douche stop it', and you've just supported me and taken such an interest in this dumb character i write that literally just blows me away. the fact that we barely write but i still feel so close to you and so valued by you is just a testament to the power of tumblr rp friendships. we don't NEED to write together to be friends and to respect and admire each other. AND LORD KNOWS i admire you. i admire your dedication, i admire your 'idgaf' attitude. and honestly i just admire your unrelenting loyalty to people.

because i've literally written an essay - the rest of these tags are people that i admire and love, even if we haven't had much chance to interact.

@agoodluthor | @gunkanjiima | @grincarved | @terrifiesthem | @tcmbraider | @truthpiety | @influencedbyfear | @inexactexpiration | @aftcrshocks | @fallencomrade | @geniusfuturist | @mangledgrin | @shewolveriine | @tragicloss | @unleashedjustice | @volchista | @widowscars 

❧❥☣☀♥

❧ Have you ever been jealous of anyone?

Of course! I mean-- I’m gonna say most ppl out there have probably felt jealous from time to time. We’re all insecure little deviants on this site lets be real, so I think it’s perfectly normal to get a lil jelly from time to time. But-- as much as yes, I have gotten jealous, I’m ?? never gonna like act of that shit, yknow. Like idk I guess I’m mature enough ?? to know its just me being dumb. Ppl are free to do as they please, interact with who they want, ship with who you want. And until ur like.. singleship or smth like ?? yknow it doesnt matter 

❥ Has someone ever ruined an FC or character for you?

Mmmmmmboi ya. Yes. Yep. Im uh. Highkey not gonna say bc I know some of the ppl are still around and I aint abt that vague blogging life. But ya. Mind you it’s not gonna STOP me from interacting with another muse with the same fc, but it does make it-- a little ?? off putting I guess?? At first at least??

On the flip side, I’ve had some, or like one or two ships where it was just so... developed and I was so attached that seeing that fc as a different muse is like ?? but ur not (insert name). 

☣ Have you ever rp'd with someone you knew for a fact was abusive but tried to give them a chance/to make up your own opinion on the roleplayer? Did they change or did you understand what people were talking about?

Uhhh not that I know of?? No ?? I can’t really remember all that in depth from my first few years rping. But certainly not from the last few years. I just don’t really associate myself with people who are abusive or whatever?? Even someone who is just... off putting to me or I don’t like they’re attitude or things they post that aren’t abusive but are just... passive aggressive or vague blogging. I will actively avoid them if not softblock them so :/ yknow. 

Don’t have time for the drama. Like bye. 

☀ What's your rp pet peeve?

I fucking--- hate vague blogging. Jfc I hate it. So much. SOOOOOOO m u c h. It makes me so uncomfy. I’m very much a “if u have a problem say it to my face” kinda person and I would do the same if I had a problem (although its rp so i’d probably just softblock bc... this isnt anything serious its fkin rp lmao). Like idk it’s just annoying ?? I’ve seen ppl post shit that’s like either could possibly be abt me, other times im like Bl that was deff abt me. Even recently tbh. It’s jsut gross. I hate it. Stop being passive aggressive and get on with life yknow??

♥ What's the WORST thing that has happened to you rp wise?

HA. Lol. Where would I even fUCking start jfc. Lemme just. Whip out the list shall we?? I suppose it’s bc I’ve been on pretty much strictly tumblr rp my entire rping life, since abt... 2012?? 13?? idk. I started when I was abt 12 I think. Idk. But yA. I’ve had a lot :’) Idk what to pick. 

There was the times when I was like 12/13 and the whole “no smut with minors” thing wasn’t really?? I thing?? So a lot of the time I was more or less forced to write it?? I remember one rp partner back then on my friest ever blog would alWAYS turn to smut. And it made me so uncomfy. I always tried to find a way out of it. I shit you not one time I wrote that she fell asleep and this person jsut keep going making their character go on while she slept. It was just--- yIKES.

Not to mention how one rp partner like-- was highkey the trigger/reason i was had(/have??) depression :’) that was fun. I mean-- that whole thing itself, looking back now was dumb. But I was young, like 13 and shit. And ya. It was not fun. 

There was the whole drama I breifly mentioned on that other post. That guy in general was a total asssssssss. Like jfc. But on the other hand he and my friendship with him taught me so much and I’m much better for it now ?? Bc of him I learnt that yknow. You can say no to ppl sometimes lmao. 

And I guess more recently there have been a few people who will not be named who have just made me super uncomfy?? Even tho I’m not interacting with them at this time. Other mutuals are. And idk. Just seeing them makes me really really uncomfy. 

i spoke it out loud. 

i spend like.. alot of time in my head now. no one cares to hear things without giving their dumbass opinion. sometimes i just need to say it out loud and today i opened up to a friend ive bonded very close with but havent been in alot of contact with which meant i had to explain scenarios from start to finish - not brief blips of anxiety fueled thoughts about details.

today i felt publically embarassed. it really, really bothered me that for all ive heard and listened to from him he bailed on my show that he volunteered to be apart of two fucking months ago. it wasnt like i forced him to be involved. i didnt even ask him like i wanted him to do it. it was very casual do you want to be apart of it - sure. 

i dont think you understand. under all the shitty men ive stuck it out with being treated like a lesser human while building a reputation and skill in my field FROM FUCKING NOTHING while people fucking died and break ups i id nothing but GET FUCKING BETTER. not a god damn thing stopped me because i kept my personal life seperate. 

but this didnt start seperate. and like i think he sees this as nothing when its fucking everything to me and im fucking tired of people seeing it as some junk hobby i do because im “unemployed”. and look - even i can see how fucked up it can be sometimes but people enjoy what i do. i give back to MY community which is compromised of atleast 100+ more people and giving back to a community is not defined in lare fucking numbers like i have to contribute to the whole of society. maybe i fucking am. 

and i am really... im angry. im just straight up fucking angry and these things never even came up. none of this is questioned. he didnt insult me. he fucking BAILED which is probably the biggest insult of them all. like... i even brought up the fact he coul be about to cheat on me and i’m more pissed that he insulted me in such a way. do i have a fucking degree? do i pull a paycheck? no. but this is fucking valuable. i see it everytime my miserable piece of shit ass pulls together a gathering or event. the fucking city approached me because i created a product they wanted and for the fucking INTEGRITY of the community i stood up and offered my professional reputation on the line to do better. and you cant show up to a fucking 16 person event and read a god damn story? really? that is an embarassment on my behalf to my personal colleagues and god damnit i fucking live here and i have no choice but to work with this because i want better now not 5 years down the road when im all settled and everything is just a thing i do on the weekends. why cant i contribute now. why cant i build myself this way.

so even if you thin these colleagues are unworthy - you stepped into my fucking realm and you so deeply disrespect something i have built from nothing. my professional reputation is associated with your piece of shit fly by night ass and you know what? my fucking bad. i would never in a million years put up with this shit from anyone not puttin gtheir dick in me so this is absolutely ridiculous. i cant even tolerate this in myself any longer and i hope - honestly - i fucking hope you used this as a leaping point into your big break up because this is what’ll make it stick. right. because you “cant fuck someone else” to solidify an ending but you can assault me in multiple ways.

and we both fucking know. we both legitimately fucking know what happened and thats why were not fucking and thats why youre not trying. this - this is all just natural now. and when they ask me ill have to act dumb - oh i have no idea why hes just this crazy guy its what he does when we both know and this sick twisted brain turned to fucking shit. who rehashes such shit. i was with a guy for way fucking longer than almost any of my current peers and i am not fucking with him but you dont think we didnt grow up together? we ha a whole fucking lifetime together, really. i shared an entire thing that no one else fucking knows about but us but you think i ned to rehash that shit with him? fuck no. 

ironic right. i wanted to say how toxic it is to be addicted to the past but i would know. i would fucking know the most and we’re all matthew mccougnhey in dazed nd confused addicted to the past to the nostalgia care free late teens early 20s but we’re fucking old and everyone else has grown up but us and we’re here in the ghettos of the wasted suburbs, drinking and smoking weed to numb the fact that we hit our peaks at 16. 

do i even give a fuck? like i give A fuck. clearly. im thiining about it. but not in the sense that im hurt. like its some deep offense that he would do such things. i have never believed a word he has said about our relationship. i believe any mention of long term past next week is a fucking joke. but he’s also incredibly kind to me. an i dont think at all that he would carry on some “affair” in private - THATS not our deal. 

i dont care that hes talking to her. the grief process is hard and this is a fucked up situation. that doesnt bother me. i think its super wrong to carry on a relationship with this person in close measures but finding a path through grief - whether 2,3,5 years; i get it. does he need to fuck her? nope. and i have had a strange enough relationship - i am not interested in carrying on one tht is knowingly false. 

he told me he didnt love me a few weeks ago. before that in another major blow up he mentioned how that particular fight woul lead to a “scar” that woul sit on the relationship. not that it woud be brought up again but acknowledging that he was and is creating real scars emotionally and mentally. it’s not manipulative - i’m here of my own freewill, i deal of my own free will. and this happens not often enough to be a malicious attempt at control. and we dont talk about things. ever. an entire year where we have never spoken about the details of these things we both COMPLEteLY KNOW ABOUT. like we both know he kind of sexually assaulted me for real. and isay for real because of the nature of our relationship but we both strayed from the necessary things for such a relationship that wouldve led to this not even happening and i dont “blame” myself. i absolutely did not want to have sex with him. absolutely did not. i said i did not want to have sex with him. i said no. i did not physically stop him in any way because of the nature of our relationship and the disrespect of my own body as well as maybe a need for approval from him because i associate sex in an intimate romantic relationship as an expression of love from a sexual person. and its hard because i do legitimately feel asexual; i have no interest. i have actual no interest and i feign interest or find ways to be interested to a degree but i dont care. so i am in a position where i am frequently disconnectin from the physical act happening to my body because i may not even be necessarily enjoying it on that sexual level. to me its an appendage inserted in a hole and it’s kind of invasive and a really od experience with someone. like its just odd to do that with a person and share eachother like that - TO ME. but this is like fighting homosexuality. i cant argue a sexual persons desires. 

so i enter a relationship already essentially to a technical definition being assaulted. im never truly having consensual sex because i have no desire but i guess i do consent to the invasion of my body. i dont disagree with it happening because  if i love you i dont really care if thats your thing. its not that big of a deal. brushing your teeth, taking a shower. all just things you do. this is what a majority of eople do. 

but we both fucking know. no matter how many times we had sex where it started with a playful no we both know i absolutely did not want this. my body did not even want it and he still kept going and i was not even making noise and he still kept going and the air was not right when it was over because he STILL KEPT GOING. i was not upset. i did not cry. i didnt lament for hours on it. i turned over and went to sleep because he didnt hurt me. he broke my trust. i’m not traumatized by the experience, i wont put him on the “bad boyfriend” list and make him out to be a predator because hes not. i dont know why he did this. maybe he thought it was okay and he convinced himself it was okay when it wasnt.

we didnt talk about this. we didnt mention it at all but when he heard no next time he immediately stopped. when he heard it again, he immediately stopped. and everytime after, his hands immediately dropped from my body. we both know. can he apologize? we both know. i know he knows. there is zero reason for this change in behavior.

the last time i saw him he drove me to his house so i could smoke weed because of period cramps. and then he dropped out. hes too far in the dog house now and hes not even going to try to get out. this is tooooooo far. on top of everything else when im literally doing nothing but existing in my own shit life. i already look at him now and i dont see the same thing and i want to. but i keep asking myself what the fuck is this where are we going. and ive asked it for an entire year. i asked it so much his face changed and im still the same because i have a need to not give up even when its time. 

and you know. had he called me and said im tired/got home late/too much traffic /tried & failed on story and made a genuine effort to seem apologetic on a personal level to me id probably be okay. but instead he just said “sorry. not going.” and ignored all further calls and texts. thats disgusting and like im trying and have been trying really hard to mentally be a better person and this was one of those times he had an opportunity to not do this and he did exactly what i would expect him to do following a stupid message like that. 

now what? now hes created a thing. now i gotta wait the fucking 2 - 3 days for him to think i forgot about it or am not as angry so we can sit in the same room, not talk about it and carry on as normal.

but you know what? i was pissed. and i ruminated. but i didnt act. i sent a succinct few messages less than 160 characters asking him to call me and asking if there was any way to get a ride and moved on because all i know is that he’s never goingt o be involved in any of my professional shit ever again. hes totally disbarred from this project and even though hes been a big supporter in the past i dont need this emotional drama involved. totally ot worth it an not valuable to anyone so i dont need a long message because im just going to do whatever i want an not involve him. he doesnt need a big dramatic thing about it. and fuck you that i cant even get a ride. why even waste the energy involved in the dramatic message. thats my message this time. my message is the time he absolutely 100% expects me to send the ramatic message. 

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Those were definitely this uncertainties. Ill advise you whatever truly appeared. That likes moving inundating during just about instantaneously relating to the certain shot which will Id preferred. (Oh yea, thats one other issue, you may choose images and extended the particular loves out overseveral distinctive snap shots.) Just after on the subject of 5 minutes found approved, I had 1000 fresh likes tacked up on your current IG image. It all looked excessively not difficult to come to be true Whether were Uncomplicated, plus legitimately the fact that low-cost, exactly why werent more people working, I thought? Regardless of whether blatantly or perhaps not,public figureshave phony enthusiasts. During the The year 2012 election campaign, prior Republican presidential selection Glove Romney suddenly were built with a spike of116,400 followersin sometime. What is more, productive celebrities accompanied by a huge group of followers would make a large amount of money intended for advertising merchandise, willingness types, or retweeting suggestions. The following generates a major degree of demands with respect to World-wide-web super stars that will garner a major just after to encounter it equal a higher standard achievements. While i invested in all the lovers I desired more, additional! I thought overall when without doubt one of this photographs obtained on the well-known article, I’d personally acquire more lovers. Considering that, typically the pics about Instagrams preferred site typically are not the most suitable people, best suited? And so i acquired 400-500 likes 5 big ones belonging to the exact same support for example involved with my witout a doubt common pics (60 likes, which is a significant for me). All of the would like went in a very several hours. Manged to get 562 cares for as a whole for thispic right from a young boy Mauro wonderful colleagues.

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But for the a lesser amount of principled, this testing may get perhaps even much stronger when you consider the way in which effortless it really is to buy enthusiasts (with a small number of clicks!) and also just how bit of it costs to take some action (simply pence!). A web page likeBuzzoidcharges as small as $3 a any Seventy-five friends, andHypezcharges $30 for a couple,Five hundred. Sites ordinarily deliver leveling bot visitors just who don’t have any engagementsomething the vast majority of folks be put off by. Have you got a brand spanking new Instagram membership and are you having a pre-existing balance that you ought to boost? You should think about getting Instagram Fans by John position. It will eventually will give you a distinctive edge over individuals who have considerably less Instagram followers when compared to most people. Humans are just like lambs; they might often click on the public! Further, it employs during the multimedia community extremely. Or no human being encounters an excellent Instagram webpage acquiring thousands of Disciples as well as Wants, they will indicate a person’s interest to enable you to find out everything that many of the bother is definitely. Obtaining the enthusiasts about Instagram can be a shown technique for increasing in alot more legitimate devotees. Ultimately, the difficulty of getting a good social websites sticking with isnt particularly difficult and may even not all of each of our leading considerations being the community. Still, it might immediate consumers to inquire about: will this be Instagram accounts using natural and organic or possibly was it simply just decided to buy? We have seen individuals operating 100+ suggestions to the files out of finding yourself in Remark Pods. If the tone is the mlm cir very good. Still, this isn’t perceived as have an impact on and should not be studied when you’re making money from ones own Instagram account so that you can paying for types. Initially when i first heard of most people shopping for their own needs & visitors in InstagramI didnt imagine thatestablished folks and / or makes may certainly holiday withit, therefore i published it well just as some thing basically superb unethical families made. Evidently itssoagainst Instagrams policy some thing just like that, thus i worked the key reason why might any individual reliable danger the software along with themselvesinto a situation where theymay suffer a loss of your hard earned money if he or she acquired stuck? (Not to your entire validity thing Come on, man, hey there.) Nevertheless Ive considering that found that there are several, several problems while in the Instagram structure & various thriving companies that Market cares for not to mention lovers!

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Those were definitely this uncertainties. Ill advise you whatever truly appeared. That likes moving inundating during just about instantaneously relating to the certain shot which will Id preferred. (Oh yea, thats one other issue, you may choose images and extended the particular loves out overseveral distinctive snap shots.) Just after on the subject of 5 minutes found approved, I had 1000 fresh likes tacked up on your current IG image. It all looked excessively not difficult to come to be true Whether were Uncomplicated, plus legitimately the fact that low-cost, exactly why werent more people working, I thought? Regardless of whether blatantly or perhaps not,public figureshave phony enthusiasts. During the The year 2012 election campaign, prior Republican presidential selection Glove Romney suddenly were built with a spike of116,400 followersin sometime. What is more, productive celebrities accompanied by a huge group of followers would make a large amount of money intended for advertising merchandise, willingness types, or retweeting suggestions. The following generates a major degree of demands with respect to World-wide-web super stars that will garner a major just after to encounter it equal a higher standard achievements. While i invested in all the lovers I desired more, additional! I thought overall when without doubt one of this photographs obtained on the well-known article, I’d personally acquire more lovers. Considering that, typically the pics about Instagrams preferred site typically are not the most suitable people, best suited? And so i acquired 400-500 likes 5 big ones belonging to the exact same support for example involved with my witout a doubt common pics (60 likes, which is a significant for me). All of the would like went in a very several hours. Manged to get 562 cares for as a whole for thispic right from a young boy Mauro wonderful colleagues.

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Instagram deleted my very own Fifteen hundred replica enthusiasts and so they succeeded with every less active and/or spam credit account, now lots of individuals have less enthusiasts at present. Really easy to implement ask a brand-new fantastic blog post on paying for devotees. Interesting on anytime Instagram do some clean-up just as before. Many people that will acquired smack, currently have many lovers, simply because they decided to buy individuals not long ago where they matured much faster by using proper enthusiasts from then on. @Negin_Mirsalehi sacrificed as few as 75.Five hundred fans in addition to Attacking young boys lost Several,Several zillion. However theyve found lots in order that would not pain substantially. To remain followersteam.com about from this; youll check out promotion efforts less complicated more fortunate as soon as they because of reputable options; that is what you want to be around more admirers. Using a campaign upon advertising and marketing if you dont provide the followers to support it is simply using cash and time. The natural way is to make it possible for end users find you (by way of a variety of usually means like advertisements or possibly look ups, a few) and then use people. Using this method, an individual’s fans help to increase naturally plus steadily ultimately. With luck,, frequently. the best way to produce alot more friends on the subject of Instagram. Unfortunately, everything’s a tad various in real life. With no need of fast outcomes, your organization or even model will not turn far. Gaining brand new devotees will take age range, do not determine what you actually carrying out in the beginning. With 600 thousand customers and also 100% operator proposal, Instagram provides great improvements over Bebo. Then again, Twitter is the ideal foundation where you could view circumventing current information in cases where almost any depressing uncertainty comes about internationally. Together Twits plus Instagram work best into their insert. You are able to shop for Instagram friends as well as Tweets readers to raise activation of your own ethnical description.

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But for the a lesser amount of principled, this testing may get perhaps even much stronger when you consider the way in which effortless it really is to buy enthusiasts (with a small number of clicks!) and also just how bit of it costs to take some action (simply pence!). A web page likeBuzzoidcharges as small as $3 a any Seventy-five friends, andHypezcharges $30 for a couple,Five hundred. Sites ordinarily deliver leveling bot visitors just who don’t have any engagementsomething the vast majority of folks be put off by. Have you got a brand spanking new Instagram membership and are you having a pre-existing balance that you ought to boost? You should think about getting Instagram Fans by John position. It will eventually will give you a distinctive edge over individuals who have considerably less Instagram followers when compared to most people. Humans are just like lambs; they might often click on the public! Further, it employs during the multimedia community extremely. Or no human being encounters an excellent Instagram webpage acquiring thousands of Disciples as well as Wants, they will indicate a person’s interest to enable you to find out everything that many of the bother is definitely. Obtaining the enthusiasts about Instagram can be a shown technique for increasing in alot more legitimate devotees. Ultimately, the difficulty of getting a good social websites sticking with isnt particularly difficult and may even not all of each of our leading considerations being the community. Still, it might immediate consumers to inquire about: will this be Instagram accounts using natural and organic or possibly was it simply just decided to buy? We have seen individuals operating 100+ suggestions to the files out of finding yourself in Remark Pods. If the tone is the mlm cir very good. Still, this isn’t perceived as have an impact on and should not be studied when you’re making money from ones own Instagram account so that you can paying for types. Initially when i first heard of most people shopping for their own needs & visitors in InstagramI didnt imagine thatestablished folks and / or makes may certainly holiday withit, therefore i published it well just as some thing basically superb unethical families made. Evidently itssoagainst Instagrams policy some thing just like that, thus i worked the key reason why might any individual reliable danger the software along with themselvesinto a situation where theymay suffer a loss of your hard earned money if he or she acquired stuck? (Not to your entire validity thing Come on, man, hey there.) Nevertheless Ive considering that found that there are several, several problems while in the Instagram structure & various thriving companies that Market cares for not to mention lovers!

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Those were definitely this uncertainties. Ill advise you whatever truly appeared. That likes moving inundating during just about instantaneously relating to the certain shot which will Id preferred. (Oh yea, thats one other issue, you may choose images and extended the particular loves out overseveral distinctive snap shots.) Just after on the subject of 5 minutes found approved, I had 1000 fresh likes tacked up on your current IG image. It all looked excessively not difficult to come to be true Whether were Uncomplicated, plus legitimately the fact that low-cost, exactly why werent more people working, I thought? Regardless of whether blatantly or perhaps not,public figureshave phony enthusiasts. During the The year 2012 election campaign, prior Republican presidential selection Glove Romney suddenly were built with a spike of116,400 followersin sometime. What is more, productive celebrities accompanied by a huge group of followers would make a large amount of money intended for advertising merchandise, willingness types, or retweeting suggestions. The following generates a major degree of demands with respect to World-wide-web super stars that will garner a major just after to encounter it equal a higher standard achievements. While i invested in all the lovers I desired more, additional! I thought overall when without doubt one of this photographs obtained on the well-known article, I’d personally acquire more lovers. Considering that, typically the pics about Instagrams preferred site typically are not the most suitable people, best suited? And so i acquired 400-500 likes 5 big ones belonging to the exact same support for example involved with my witout a doubt common pics (60 likes, which is a significant for me). All of the would like went in a very several hours. Manged to get 562 cares for as a whole for thispic right from a young boy Mauro wonderful colleagues.

The post simple plan instagram appeared first on Guest Blogging Platform for Jewelry & Fashion.

from Blog – Guest Blogging Platform for Jewelry & Fashion http://ift.tt/2kRsGP7 via IFTTT from Untitled http://ift.tt/2le8vHf via IFTTT