I think my anxiety is worse off than usual. Its 1am and I've been ranting at my ceiling about frigging httyd 3 of all things - a movie that came out years ago and that I have been happily ignoring for ages after making my points when it was released.

idk. I think its the general "not feeling good" thing and lack of energy and motivation to do even stuff I like. meh. hopefully tomorrow will be better.

. (blog update check tags)

Matt "I can and will remind everyone that Link is REALLY wierd about Normal with like no real explination at this point" Arnold out here like "let me see if I can underminine my entire point in this character arc defining interaction" and I unironically love him for it Link is SUCH a messy b word rn

(this turned into a long response, let's talk Fascinating Character Flaws!)

I dont think it's so much that he's weird about Normal, if I'm understanding what you mean by 'weird', especially in this episode. I feel like it circles back to what I keep thinking about, which is his newest teen fact. the one where he-- does this count as poisoning? he made other children ill in a fit of jealousy for anyone having any time with his dads.

listen, I've had many homeschooled friends. At one point in college I was the "actually went to public school" member of the friend group. People can go in and out of homeschooling and be... not whatever the heck Link has going on. I was excited for him when that fact started, like, "oh he was part of a cohort!" until uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh!

(the following are thoughts that I'm still developing in my head as I type and probably after I post)

whether it's due to the overprotective parenting or just Link's nature or a Symptom of a Condition (op has their own Condition but is not a psychologist) Link's got an issue with like. not getting what he wants? not usually in super obvious ways, it's not spelled out, he doesn't throw tantrums or anything. unless you count the thing at Normal about Normal not wanting to do "cool plans." and most of the time he doesn't want anything complicated, his wants have been pretty straight forward and in line with what anyone would want in these circumstances. he wants people to not die is the big major one, he wants to not feel betrayed again, he wants his friends to stop fighting, he wants to get this over with NOW. and he's been going through so much of not getting what he wants (COMPLETELY REASONABLE THINGS TO WANT, IN THIS CASE. TRAUMATIC THINGS TO NOT GET) that he seems to not know what he wants at all anymore.

like, his understanding of the world has been rocked so bad that he's pretty sure all those things I just listed just aren't things he can have. in the past whenever he needled his parents or acted out or did certain things he'd get what he wanted. not to say that he's spoiled but uh... okay yeah I am saying that a bit. but mostly in the ways that it keeps him from developing the coping mechanisms for when you ask something from life and it punches you in the teeth instead.

So in a world where he doesn't know how to get what he wants and maybe he isn't sure what he even can want, he's kinda just shutting down internally. In the mean time, he may as well make sure his friends get what they want, and then maybe at some point he'll want something again. so, in a way, what he wants is to feel and want something, so that "wants what he wants" part of him snapped out again at Normal with "well at least you're feeling something." in other words, "you have the thing that I want right now, and I'm gonna sound pretty bitter about not having it myself" which is an effed up thing to say when that thing he's having is a mental breakdown.

Link. Buddy. Bud. Kiddo. Pal. you need Help.

tl;dr and conclusion: imo for their mental health the party should split into Link & Taylor and Scary & Normal again for an episode or two. Norm and Scary for hopefully obvious reasons; and Link and Taylor because while Taylor is unquestionably a rich kid spoiled for material goods who is very good at wanting things, he is also a kid who's mom knows how to say "No. Absolutely Not. Give me the knife right now I don't care what seppuku is" and who's dad left an emotional void for over a decade that he is clearly adept in coping with and he could give Link some pointers.

also because it would be a cool callback and parallel to early episodes to do those pairs again. see how they've changed and stuff

i also wish people would be more receptive to relationship speculation, at the very least. there were so many moments in fionna and cake where simon and fionna’s interactions had me raising my eyebrows and thinking “wow, what’s up with this chemistry rn?” but i know posting about it to see if others also noticed would get me dogpiled lol. glad i’m not the only one entertaining the ship and its implications to/for the characters it encompasses.

also winter king/simon is intriguing as well, if only in a weird homestuck self-shipping (dave and davesprite anyone?) kind of way where both characters get to have major epiphanies bc they’re basically looking into a mirror (may be more of a funhouse mirror for winter king/simon but still works lol)

i do not ship any of these pairings, please dont take this post from a shipping perspective

i apologize in advanced if this post is said messy. its given an opening to many things ive been thinking about since the start of the show and i know i wanna come back to it in case any new developments were to happen at the final season 1 episodes tldr; Kai Talks About how much i Love Very Messed Up Pairings, not because i want them to actually be together, but because i am NOT the type to ignore Seeds That Have been Planted in canon so i will Grow Horrible Realizations i've been having out of them

YEAH NO BECAUSE I LIKE. I JUST WANNA POINT OUT WHAT'S CANON OKAY!! i think this post is like. the only one ive seen that Has Pointed out The Adventure Time Ice King/Fionna dynamic in the lenses of the Simon we have today....and even then thats just a joke post :")

because like. okay. i need people to think about this for a second: yes, ice king didn't Come With with Fionna and Cake's existence, but why in the world would he Choose to be responsible for writing it? for bringing their stories to life and showing off a world that's been living in his head? i genuinely think people don't really like the ugly side of how badly loneliness has mutated Ice King's way of thinking (i mean for gods sake the guy tries to kiss/get with anyone, mf cant even recognize the person he claims to be falling in love with). that, yeah. of course if he had a World Living inside his brain that felt so Real to him that he CONSTANTLY wished for it to not only but true, but one that would be close to him!! one that would welcome him!!!! no matter what itd be, romantic, platonic, To the point of Worship....like ANYTHING that would bring him closer to genuine Connection in his alienating experience. NOTABLY for fionna The Human!!! the human that parallels a real life actual kid that mostly has kicked Ice King's ass to eventually treating him like a Poor confused Old Lost Guy. still, i need to stress the kind of dynamic finn and the ice king have is NOWHERE near the kind of dynamic fionna and ice king have (and even with simon developments included). . ...except this time around, even when he does have his own parallel Ice Queen existing manifesting the Must Needed Rival for their universe to make sense, mutating her character into something that to make her more Vicious/Violent, making Ice King seem Nicer In Comparison and dare i say that, yeah...! some of that HAS been carried onto modern day Fionna!! who CANONICALLY has romantic feelings towards ice prince and the winter king, parallels to ice king/simon himself! just. sorry but i NEED both Simon and Fionna to like. Read Those Stories. I Need them to revisit the VERY specific stories that Ice King felt the need to tell in the first place, his and other people in their lives' inclusions. it would not only reinforce Simon's Influence in the world Period, something that he found himself doubting on ...but also I NEEEEEEDDD to see that can of worms opened. i NEED for Fionna to see for herself the people SHE'S supposed to be representing. i NEED for her to see what kind of void she's been filling in Ice King/Simon's time of existence. i NEED for her to see how big the Obsession GOT, how badly Ice King needed that outlet of escapism (and how much Simon still returns to it in the present day)

^ this moment has been living in my brain ever since the announcement of the Fionna and Cake series that Fionna's fixation on the ice prince, her life, her..everything in general, is more or less a Weird Reflection of the lives of People living Greater Lives than she ever believed to have lived, combined with how said proclaimed experiences of Magic have only been recorded by a guy who Inserted Himself in a world she doesnt even recall living in Im surprised that. hasnt been so Stressed yet in show. im prepared to eat my words if they DO come back to it. but for the time being i really wish Fionna found out how desperate Simon/Ice King was for someone to acknowledge and Desire His Existence, to a degree that would be absolutely humiliating/weird to uncover but Necessary to come back to in order to truly understand the Scope of what 1000+ years of Madness through Ostracization (from others and eventually the Self) Does to a MF

__________ AS OF FOR MY THOUGHTS ON THE WINTER KING, he alas only truly an episode to explore. but the thoughts still exist nonetheless!!! for the most part i can only truly indulge in it out of pure hilarity for its existence, while acknowledging how much im so thankful that winter king was characterized as he was n didnt overstay his welcome, as i didnt find him necessary to stay in the narrative . there's a lot of feelings i have about simon/ice king's perception of himself alone, and how most of it is Either Negative or Overcompensation Due to his own self negativity. which makes me curious on what could come of a Better Version of Himself, looking at the version of himself that has "failed" to conquer the crown the way he has, but contemplated on pursuing romantically, even for a brief moment honestly, i dont blame people for being invested in this pairing (in comparison to fionna/simon, where i cannot myself entertain it even as a joke unlike this one). it makes me curious on what the Winter King's definition of romance is in comparison to Simon's. what could even be desirable, possibly, in the eye's of the Winter King? Does the love of someone you'll go mad over truly make you a Better Person Or Worse? Simon and Winter King existing in the same room together brings up so many questions and possible ways to explore Simon's character. wayyyyyyyyyy less of a "this can be simon's way of practicing self love" thing and MUCH more of a "These Guys Kissing each other would be the equivalent of the Narcissus Tale but with a Distorted Reflection that only Represents You because the reflection Demands That of you"

obviously been in my posting era for the past few months & ive been thinking about that and what it means for me so some thoughts on that

posting as much as i have been was sparked by having to end my most recent relationship due to the realization that we were codependent & it was making it hard for us to function effectively. finn was always my guy to ramble at but there would always be times that they didnt have anything to say in response so they would just be like “okay” and i would feel so annoying :( they were never annoyed (well not usually i cant say they were NEVER annoyed by me) but my mind always catastrophizes social interactions that leave me feeling self-conscious to mean “oh they hate you”

anyways. for a while i was kind of worried that my codependency habit has graduated from finn -> posting & while im not sure that ISNT the case… i do think the posting has been good for me. ive been journaling for a couple years now but it doesn’t help me in the same way as posting stuff like this. its harder to process thoughts when im just talking to myself vs writing something out thats meant to be for someone else to read. writing with the intent of it being for someone to see helps me process things so much easier, and that doesn’t really work when im writing it in a place nobody can see it. when i was a kid i would post deviantart journals in the same way. of course back then i was a neglected child who was just looking for validation in any form & where i got it most was the internet.

i think its the fact that ive been doing it ever since i was a kid that made me feel like making posts like these were juvenile in nature and something i should move on from. but since making an effort to be more true to myself & not let embarrassment or the fear of being judged get to me, ive found that i have the strong urge to make posts and that it brings me joy when i do! it really has helped me have a clearer understanding of the way i think/feel. plus tumblr rly does kinda feel like a home website. it helps that it hasn’t changed much and a lot of the userbase i was around in its heyday are still here. it feels like a comfortable place to scream into the void where im not worried about who’s potentially seeing this shit. & thats another thing - it has helped me feel less annoying in general!

im so used to feeling like my presence is inherently bothersome and that any self-assertion is going to make people wish i wasn’t there. this feeling extrnds to posting anywhere. but thats so fucking stupid!!!! if people dont like me or are that annoyed by me they dont have to fuckin look!!!!!! just unfollow me idfc!!!!! i feel good about the level of clarity i have in my life rn and posting long rambling introspective shit like this has been doing wonders in helping me keep myself grounded. so i will continue to do so. i will say though i sometimes wonder who all is reading this shit lmao. watch there be someone out there who’s just obsessed with my ass waiting on baited breath for my next post. if thats the case then get well soon bitch….im probably too unhinged for you to handle 💅

Alright im sure this has been rehashed a million times, but i wanna talk about monsterhigh so too bad 😤 i will talk to the void. If ur not interested , enjoy the art but my thoughts about the new lagoona below👇

-im glad that they’re leaning into athlesiure with her!! Obv the og design is iconic, but the best piece is inarguably the hoodie. So even tho i have issues with the colors, i think the new hoodie is actually cute n fitting :] The mesh and sandals are also nice.

-im glad that they’re leaning into athlesiure with her!! Obv the og design is iconic, but the best piece is inarguably the hoodie. So even tho i have issues with the colors, i think the new hoodie is actually cute n fitting :] The mesh and sandals are also nice.

-the fanny pack and asymmetrical earrings are my favorite of the accessories!!!!

-i…I really cant say anything good about those pants. What was the concept there

-the purse is just really uninspired imo,, especially if you compare it to the original

-ok ive stalled long enough. I have to talk about the colors…i guess the new concept is rainbow? But its also very pink? The execution just isnt doing it for me 😓 besides, her name is lagoona BLUE man!! Honestly i think the biggest problem is that there are so many pinks. Different shades, cool tone, warm tone, all over. This might be fine, except for all the rainbow on top of that. Theres just no clear color story:

Example a) i dont hate the hair that much on its own. But in combination with everything else? It’s giving unicorn barf instead of unicorn magic :[. It could be pretty pastels but instead it feels drowned out/muted

Example b) Im glad they kept her fins but the peach skin tone is just strange…its like, almost a human color, but also colorful enough to clash with the other colors?

-this is kinda minor but i liked the body shape changes of some of the other g3 dolls and wished lagoona got something. Wouldn’t it fit great with her athletic fashion vibes and personality if she had some defined muscles? Maybe they were going for more of a lean yoga girl vibe.

Overall, Lagoona is my least favorite doll of g3 rn. I feel like they missed the mark on blending her character with modern fashion and the result was a weak, busy design. Although, I am curious as to why so much of her design was changed compared to the other g3 dolls, which pretty much keep the hair and skin of their originals. Hopefully she’ll look better in future outfits, and maybe even win people over on the peach skin?

PLEASE TALK ABOUT DINOTRUX IM SO HYPERFIXATED RN I NEED TO HEAR OTHER PEOPLES OPINIONS AND IDEAS AND IF THEY SO DESIRE THEN I ALSO WOULD LIKE TO HEAR WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY ABOUT MY OPINIONS AND HAVE AWESOME OBSESSED DISCUSSIONS BUT MOSTLY I JUST NEED DINOTRUX MUTUALS SO I DONT FEEL LIKE IM SCREAMING INTO THE VOID also hiiiii you're opinion is so correct about Ty and Revs song you Get It™️

OMG, thank you and hello KSKSKS sorry I'm nervous, Dinotrux is my biggest obsession and I would be delighted to be able to talk about the series with someone, I've always wished to have more Dinotrux mutuals 🥹

just plain ol thoughts

why is it that i dont wanna say im gay. is it because like, internalized homophobia?? no, i dont think so. its just...im not used to thinking about myself. im thinking about myself mostly when like, it could affect someone else. i never took time to decide who i was a person. maybe thats why its hard to feel like one.

floatball doesnt fucking fill that void, thats for sure. i joined as a team member, contribute to something. i fit in somewhere, and i think i just molded myself to do that. it didnt exactly help with finding myself though, did it.

ryan, jyan, big man, whatever fucking name, its just. which was the first. where does the line of pleasing others and being a person lie and how far did i go to not notice it until now no longer being at my feet.

maybe i dont wanna say im gay because its him. who the fuck liked gary? i do, even if i dont wanna say its more then friendship maybe. sure, hes been an asshole at times, but its not like im not one back. hes a smart guy, and i feel like if some people got to know him, theyd see that. (if you remember it, sorry for throwing that script at your head. that was me)

its like. quiet. normally im talking to aster or connor or them both when im chilling and im not alone in my head. it feels weird. i get to process being real. i was scared of that before, but now? im starting to accept it. it was bound to happen i think, i cant just hide as a shell forever. someday ill have to be a real person, i just have to accept that now and figure it out.

man, i know theres a lot of cool interesting things i wanna try to figure out for me, kinda like... what kind of music works best to me? ive listened to a lot of work out playlists, but nothing really like. fully clicked. what kinds of food do i like? i honestly just eat whatever my freinds do when they go out. what kind of clothes do i like?? any book genres seem interesting?? god this feels so...exhilarating, i fucking love it

its like, the start of a new ryan rn. gary, for once i think i want you to read this, your cool as hell.

OK! ANON HERE WITH THE FIRST ROUND OF ANALYSIS/SCREAMING INTO THE VOID. (I have more quotes but i dont want to overwhelm you and do them all at once)

-☀️

"This fantasy carries him through the rest of the night, past false dawn and into the early onset of staccato birdsong. Grian stares blearily at the bleeding warmth creeping in through the window; gentle golden hands that march over the floorboards and press their palms against the walls. They're less frenetic than the moonlight had been— the shadows here are dappled, innocent things, splaying over stripped bark and playing in the whorls within planks. They breathe depth into this tiny, wooden box, shifting slowly under daylight's cautious curve into the sky, until scintillating rays curl like shackles around his wrists."

- the word choice in this is just so masterful. It's so TENSE, Grian's emotions and thoughts are a complete mess, and this is mirrored even in how you describe the environment. It feels like nothing is safe, which is brilliant, because Grian's currently driving through life on a cord as thin as silk. Its the way even the birdsong is frantic and unsafe "staccato". The "gentle" hands that harden to "march" and "press". Things start out kindly, and then the words become harsh and cold, and this just perfectly reflects how mistrustful Grian is. Nothing makes sense to him; everything is out to get him.

-☀️

"Grian snorts without meaning to, then claps a hand over his mouth, something ugly coagulating in his heart. He doesn't deserve this kind of laughter, this reluctant amusement simmering in his chest. It burns him from the inside out, scorching the back of his throat; hot coals between clenched teeth. Grian inhales embers, exhales ash, and summons every spare ounce of willpower at his disposal to keep his voice from shaking."

- Oh, this. This hurts so much. I can talk about how bird boy's mental state is so poor he's even depraving himself of laughter, and how this is an extension of how he started out starving himself of food, then sleep, now laughter. The fire imagery here is so potent as well. He's burning himself from the inside out, which i feel like is such good imagery for what is actually happening: his code breaking apart. Mans IS literally coming apart from the inside. Ough

-☀️

"It's a pretty effect; it makes Grian's gut plummet all the way down to his lap."

- CRYING CRYING CRYING

- They know each other so well. Grian and Scar learnt each other's tells under the desert sun. He understands how tension and anger and sadness plays on Scar's face and body language when theyre in the games, and in those games everyone's emotions are caused by grian. But now theyre not even in the games and all grian can see is how HIS existence is hurting the people he loves most

-☀️

That's all im going to do for now. Thank you for tearing out my heart and smashing it on the pavement <3

(Also idk if you want me to leave an anon identifier? Maybe i can just stick with the ☀️ if no one else has taken it?)

HEY ANON. WHAT IF I CRIED AND SOBBED AND WEPT!!!!!! HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO !!!!!!!! /POS /POS /POS!!!!!!! LOSING MY MIND RN IM GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR SO EXCITEDLY THIS JUST MADE MY ENTIRE DAY

hooooly shit i cannot thank you enough this is so kind and wonderful and just!!!!!! listen i LIVE for people analyzing my writing bc i try to put SO MUCH into it, as much as i can possibly cram without oversaturating, and to see people pick up on this stuff is like being handed an immaculately wrapped present every single time. This is truly making my mind go crazy im so fucking happy rn oh my gods, thank you so much this is such an incredible treat

Im not sure if the sun emoji has been taken or not (i think i had another one a long time ago???? but im not sure if you're the same one or not djehdjdjr) but!!! Absolutely feel free to leave an emoji identifier, whatever you want!! :D i rlly enjoy seeing regulars in the inbox so absolutely feel free to do that if ur comfortable!!!!!

mindless self indulgence feels like a void inside me i am so serious rn. i was first introduced to them when i was 11 they have been in my life for Eleven Years their music has been integral to my development my tastes my personality they define a huge part of my Experience being a middle schooler. i used to be nervous about liking them because it felt like my friends had "claimed" them so it was hugely triumphant when i finally got really into them years after i stopped being friends with those people. this band's music has been so important to me for so many years and they are just terrible people. i dont even talk about jimmys solo music outside of vague mentions because. god he just sucks. its easy to make my "people i hate need to stop making music i love" posts every couple months but it like Hurts. everything about msi feels like a betrayal

like 🤷‍♀️ i am myself sick and disabled and not very functional yea and im just trying to struggle through finishing this one last thing and graduating. and then ill see if i can do something more practical god willing

but rn the most i can do is talk about this shit. and you know soon i wanna start w journalism articles and maybe even a youtube channel but until then the most i can do is talk about this shit irl and on here and u know, i used to talk abt this shit in classes because someone needed to. and its not much. but you know, you talk, other people talk, then those people talk to more people and slowly, slowly ideas spread

..... i have to live the rest of my life having "i went through some shit" brainrot and a body which is partially collapsing from trauma. ive never known normal and i will not know it. i dont want a single kid on this damn planet to ever have to go through this shit, ever. and it drives me nuts that so many do. so. if the least i can do is scream into the void and hope there is some importance in even 2 more people having this information, ill do it. even if it exhausts me and drives me nuts and makes everyone including me feel grossed out

Intro 💕

Chris, born in 1992, she/her pronouns but don’t ask me what my gender is (well u can ask but i can’t guarantee the answer will make sense to u)

K-Pop. (mostly Stray Kids but I love a gg)

Shit posts. (or just random shit, this is not a dedicated blog)

Feelings. (I do talk abt my life a lot on here)

I love to talk to people, it’s literally my main reason for being here so please feel free to do that!!! (We don’t have to be mutuals either.) Consider us friends or neighbors or consider me a part of the void you scream your feelings into!

More Info under the cut 🤓

I‘m not a positivity always die hard stan, I will have opinions sometimes and I post abt them too. It‘s genuinely mostly love tho!! I love skz a REALLY stupid amount!! I show it through dumb jokes or overemotional posts or just by trying to shower every other fan with love but sometimes I will be critical or just won‘t like something.

Other groups and interests:

Groups/Soloists I like:

Red Velvet

Mamamoo

Twice

(g)I-dle

Dreamcatcher

Rolling Quartz

xdinary heroes

shinee (+ their solos. Key and Teamin in particular)

Other Groups and things I‘ll reblog or mention sometimes:

ateez, taeyeon, itzy, nmixx… but the list could always get longer (i also SWEAR im not a jype stan on purpose i just fuckin fell into this, i hate it)

I also like the percy jackson and raven cycle books, i post abt older tv shows sometimes (the last airbender, the office, community, new girl, sometimes psych or gilmore girls or a bunch of others i dont remember rn)

I used to be very into 1d and i have been here for 10ish years so i‘ve circled through fandoms!

Mostly this is a personal blog so I‘ll just post abt whatever I like and I‘m protective of my ability to do that, please know this!

just got out of a manic episode lol

yeah so im depressed now, no longer depresion haha funnys more like depresion no hahas and im pretty sure im scaring off my boyfriend so yeah, he stopped talking/hanging out with me when i was being honest about my feelings, like i was there when he relasped but i start talking my crazy shit and then suddenly mental illness is off the table??? whatever its not even like i like him or nothing like that. i dont understand why i do this to myself, this is just turning into a rant but ive been holding this down for so long it feels good to scream it out into the void that is tumblr yk? also like i drew on cut marks because it hurts less plus i can just wash that off, yk i do that a lot i put on makeup that made me look like i commeted suicide bc i was sad and suicidle(who would have gussed???) plus i just found this collage i really want to go to but no one belives i can do it and i act like that makes me wanna do it more but really it just shows how much people belive imma be a no body and im so scared im going to be suck here forever like my mom and dad. why does life have to be such a bitch like why do i always gotta screw up everything???? lke i have two boyfriends that care about me yet i want to date this girl thats never gonna love me back?? and when i say love i mean i actually love her so much and i cant talk about it because shell find out that im totally in love with her and shell flip out and distance herself from me and i need her shes my everything and if i don't have her in my life even just as a friend i think i need to switch schools again because that's what i always do, when shit gets rough go and hide because i cant handle all this shit and my parents are finally in a good place (mentally) and im gonna screw it up for them because ill stress them out by ignoring everyone and sleeping through meals and holidays and they'll yell at me because they don't understand and i don't blame them im a mess filled with self pity and gross tindencys so i cant have anyone love me truly because im so gross and i just want the felling of everything to stop, like i want to be so fucking happy that everyone thinks on on drugs, which i was on anti anxiety pills but then i felt nothing so i cut myself bu my dumbass was wearing white pants and my mom found out and yelled at me, and screamed and woke everyone up and my sibling still reminds me about it and every time he does i want to hold him down and beat the shit out of him, like does he even take my mental illness serously, does anyone??? are my parents just pretending to give a shit, at least my mom is, my dad cares for me but he just never says the right things, and i forgive him but i just want nothing to go wrong for once i just want everyone to stop. stop talking to me, stop trying to help but also ignoring my despreat cries for help doesn't make me feel any better and also i don't want to be lied toi want the truth even if it would hurt me yk? i don't know what i want, but i know it'd make me feel safe and happy and no long like everyone's trying to get me, i just want to have someone who'd look at all different sides of me and go "wow their awesome, and sure they do stuff i disagree with but there a good person who's gonna make it big and ill stand with them through thick and thin and its okay they have issues we all do and love every flaw" like im sure my boyfriend would say this but i don't want him to say it i want it shown i want to see and trust i can tell them anything and they'd stick around.

tldr: i was origanally posting this so everyone would know i didnt commet suicide but then it turned into a rant so, yah sorry, uh i read a really good south park fanfic so thats something good that happened, though it reminded me alot of me and me is my enemy rn so i was really angry but in a healthy good way, also thought my dad died but thats justsum good ol paranoia also sorry for all the typos, did ths on my computer at like 11:55 so im kinda half asleep

Small rant ✨️✨️✨️

(Tws in tags)

Speaking into.the void rn bc im having a small crisis but im talking to this boy and im having a lot of complicated feelings about me bc one thing about me is i dont know what kind of queer i am bc of so many different things, like we have the religious trauma going 'your not actually queer your making it up for attention' and then i have the autism/introception issues like 'maybe youre not aroace maybe you just dont pick up on those signals differently' bc like i like the idea of a relationship as a concept but like when i think of the reality of it im just like??? Who would want someone living in their house??? Who would want to have to put that much effort into someone??? Like i do genuinely feel happier on my own and being able to not have to consult someone else on decisions that effects my life. But its also like 'oh yeah i have a partner :)))' 'this person loves m:)))' 'this is someone who will always be in your corner and values you and is attracted to you :)))' so theres that and THEN theres like 'good father figure? Hardly know her.' Like i genuinely dont know a single (cis)man in my life that i dont despise to some degree. Not to be like terfy and misandristic. What if my brain just makes me sunconsciously think im not attracted to people as a trauma response???

And so like everytime i start talking to someone with romantic intentions i feel like a shitty person because theres a chance i cant reciprocate that and i am VERY MUCH for qpr's and i understand that aromantic people can be in very healthy romantic relationships but i feel like those things just arent for me. So i feel like im leading this man on and its not as simple as 'oh yeah just communicate with him' like im not out yet to basically anyone irl. What if he tells someone??? 'Max you shouldnt be with someone you dont trust' but its just the talking stage i think thats the stage where your trying to figure out if you trust them or not??? Like i was in school with this guy for 13 years but we were acquaintances at best. And hes always been kind and he seems progressive enough but posting pro choice stuff on facebook is different than being a decent person.

Then theres also the whole 'i dont even know if i like him platonically thing, let alone enough for a relationship. Hes sweet, like i said' and has interests which seems to be rare for a man but im not clicking with him at all. I cant tell if i find him attractive i cant tell if i like his personality i dont know anything about him but his first and last name tho.

I dont even know if im ready for a relationship. Like im still a christian despite all the issues i have with church. So i dont know if i should still try to find someone with the same faith as me but my denomination is extremely conservative so doing that i risk getting with a man who tries to tell me what to do with my body and doesnt believe i (as a queer woman) should exist. But if i date outside my church thats going to be somethinf i will always feel shitty about.

Having contradicting identities is hard because half of me is like 'i need to stop entertaining the fact that im queer and just ignore it.' And the other half is like 'fuck the christians, i want to be happy with my own life and not have this omniscent entity tell me what to do'

Im processing stuff rn. Im pretty sure two people irl have a crush on me and idk what to do about that. They are not making any moves tho. How do I start even TT. Its crazy, one is a 2 years younger girl than me so yeah its not happening cause im 18 soon and its weird. The second one is A GUY my age... damn... AND IRL??? WTH. It happened only once or twice in elementary school literally and by total outcasts that dont lesve their basements... (I was one of them) but know its a man, a beautiful man whos ambitious and hard working... like wth... but we dont talk anymore so its weird between us. Or maybe Im delusional but hes stalking my socials from a fake account at least 2 times a week... I know its him its obvious like fr... so silly. I figured it out already darling. But like is he gonna do a move or shi or we just chillin. I just gotta mind my business cause I aint want no relationship... also not with a man... ew... I mean he is like yk 10/10 and it happens like never. Im really picky. Also it just feels bad that I cant do anything about it and I have a crush on someone for years now. I tried to fill up the void with other people but they never like me back. And the only people that have a crush on me or want me are online so its like no one cause im so much different irl (uglier). Well I guess I just sit and watch. I miss my soulmate tho. Nothing fills the empty feeling. Its sad and frustrating making me wanna give up on everything. I really want to give up on love. I swear to god if he marries someone before meeting me Im staying single forever. Like I wont love anyone else ever. It hurts cause I think that we'll never meet. And even if we did we wont click. Literally without him I dont have a purpose. Its like the highest purpose. So if I lose him to someone my whole life will be ruined and Im not sure I will be able to stand up from this. For now I still have a chance but Im so lost. So many questions but no answers. No one knows how to help me. What do I do. Why do I have to fall for someone that doesn't know I exist. Why? And why its not passing? I thought I will find someone in real life and forget. But I dont want anyone. Im sad and feelin defeated. I need rest. I will work hard on it. I hope we meet. Just once. Or maybe more.

first post.. wow hello void. this is a little more awkward than i thought. i know i should treat this like im writing on paper again in my little taco journal i got from my friend back in elementary, but... idk maybe its the thought that somebody might read this that puts me off. and also the fact that i just.... havent written anything in any sort of journal since i was 16 and making goodbye letters (ToT) what a life

anyway today is a saturday... well its sunday morning at 5am but im riddled with anxiety and cant sleep so :,) im trying to keep my thoughts busy. i work again tomorrow, only six hours which is usual for me, but its fucking -50⁰ where i live rn and I REALLY dont wanna force myself out of bed..... ugh

but ive been really good at never skipping work unless im throwing up all over the place so :,) speaking of that, i just got done being sick with the flu for the SECOND TIME within two months !!!!! i have a horrid immune system.. most of the time when im sick i spend hours rotting away in my bed and on the bathroom floor... these two times were no different

i genuinely was up at like 5am unable to sleep sobbing in my bed because it hurt so much !!! i gen wanted to die lmfao i hate being sick

but its whatever... at least i got to talk to 🍀 while i was high on meds and a 39.8⁰ fever... i said some funny shit but he just entertained me... i love looking back at our messsages.. he really seems to care for me.... crazy

neway yes saturday.. today.. what did i do- well i had work. i was stressing the entire day over being able to get my hw done for uni classes on time but then i just.. decided not to work on it at all. idk.. work was okay. i love working. even though its a a gross fast food restaurant with shady people coming and making a mess 24/7. all that bad cancels out when it comes to my cowokers. ive had so... so so so many people ive loved at this job. people ive loved more than i should and who have left me (WHATS NEW) BUTTT thats a story for another day

well anyway i got to see one of my besties who is always talking about her boy troubles ... i think everyone still thinks im a lesbian there since im not out to them as trans and have a gf 🙃 its kinda funny.. especially with all my male coworkers

who can just goof off and be close to me without the added stress of thinking its going to go anywhere (for the two of us).

wow this is already becoming so long shksjjsskjslk i have a feeling each post is gonna be like this... just a ramble about my life

anyway. i went home and immediately one of my headmates made himself know... his names nikki and hes... newish? hes been around since august 2023 but just recently showed himself. well we played sky together for a while, just the two of us. i sorta.. soft called out 🍀 on my discord status saying something like "chill cr w/ nikki!! anyone can join!" hoping theyd join my game LOL

well it was a call out to any one of my sky friends on disc (my new friend mochi actually ended up seeing it and we got to talk propery on sky for one of the first times... i was so happy)

i felt bad for 🍀 at first because he couldnt see mochis chat messages while we were having a whole ass conversation with 🍀 piggy on my shoulders... but they added each other a little later and i think the convo went well :)

🍀 's sky friend actually joined us as well.. i dont know her... nor do i really care that 🍀 seemed so close with her (well that was definitely a lie i told myself)

im so jealous LMFAOOOO definitely problems related to being stuck in a toxic friend group for 12 years BUT AGAIN thats a story for another day

anyway i was a bit sad at first because there are just things you cant say in a chat with your queer platonic partner when theres a random who you sort of know but have never personally talked to... so i shut off a bit... nikki tho bless him wtf was like- urging me to stop being so closed off towards sky friends sjhdksjsk especially because this person was really nice and even asked if she could tag along (which i said was fine because i cant say no to anything, no matter how hard i try)

it got better tho, when mochi joined

i really am a horrible person, because i felt i finally had equal grounds on 🍀 by being able to talk to mochi while they couldnt

curse being literally delusionally attached to 🍀 because he is my o n l y true friend !!!

i really am selfish for wanting to have all his attention. i am such a shitty human being

anyway... we went to eden (i lead everyone) and then sat and talked for a bit. being on equal ground with mochi about our interest in skz was super refreshing. its been a while since ive talked to anybody... but i recently joined the sky server and mochi and a few others dmed me

half way through i saw me and 🍀 's mutal friend come online.... ill call him 🌟 on here.... i only recently got to know him because i was online on sky alone and decided to join him.. he was doing quests by himself so i got some 1 on 1 time with him and omg hes so cool

i always have this habit of putting everyone else in an "untouchable" catergory, because everyone compared to me is just so much better. i guess i idolized 🌟 in a way because i never got to talk to him... he was only mutals to me through our sky friend group

anyway after that 1 on 1 i immediately felt so amazing and i wanted to talk to him every chance i get... so after mochi left and he hadnt joined our game (which was suprising because i was with 🍀 and the other person who are close to 🌟 and he likes them a lot better than me so i thought hed join one of them.... but he didnt) so i just went and joined his game immediately

i kinda ditched 🍀 but its whatever, i was still in a bad mood from earlier

i was kinda upset and sad all day so.... i was distant in my head and wasnt talking to anyone.. but that wore off the moment i got the chance to talk to 🍀 again

which was when my dad suprised me with mcdonalds !!! i really felt gross after eating it- and still do- but it helps sometimes. to eat that garbage.. ive always been a binge eater

where the hell even was i

yea i teleported to 🌟 to hang out with him and 🍀 warped to me... i didnt really mind because theyre both super cool and my idols but i got a dry ass greeting from 🌟 wheres as 🍀 got a enthusiastic one !! so yeah immediately i was like aight i see how it is

but 🍀 left to do a cr so i got more 1 on 1 time with 🌟 WHICH WAS SO NICE!! i feel like we are getting closer and closer everyday... anyway he was playing some music and i offered to stay and listen and it was gen so nice... i wanted to fall asleep just listening to him play hehe and after every song id complement him and we'd talk about what hed just played (if it was from a game or a movie) .... and well he seemed gen grateful for the compliments which made me fill up with pride

eventually 🍀 came back but i didnt really mind since i got my 1 on 1 time and i enjoy talking to both of them anyway

we had a nice convo going then 🌟 left

i always feel so prideful when i can make people laugh, even though it might even just be a lol or hahaha

then me and 🍀 had one on one time... which is what brings me to writing this

he mentioned he had a secret tumblr diary. this isnt the first time he mentioned it- back when we met irl he said if i could find it i could read it.... i tried to find it lol but couldnt so i just gave up

i didnt even think about it again until tonight.... i thought about trying to find it again but then i was like- yk what would be a better idea !!! make my own !!

so yeah i got the idea from him... a little secret vent diary place that i hope nobody can find (especially him, but if you do find it, im sorry LOL)

really i kinda wanna go looking for his but.... idk after making my own im just like how fucking awkward would it be for him to find mine and read it 😀😀 LIKE THAT WOULD BE SO BAD

so ive given up again

im gonna wait until he shares it with me.. idk when that'll be, but maybe when he does ill have wrote a lot on here and can share this with him as well

after all, i am kinda crazy. ill tell him every little secret about me if he asked.

i have so much to say but no brain power left. oh well

- ji

(1 / 13/ 2024)