#and probably this is the point where i'd think i should go back to therapy. but no way can i afford that and no way can i emotionally
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I really hope my mental health taking a massive downward spiral every single evening before I have to go to work isn't going to last, but we shall see...
#i'm still constantly terrified i'm going to be bad at it and get fired or told off in a way that makes me feel really shitty about myself#and at the moment people are being nice to me but i'm also so scared that once they realise how bad i am at talking to people they'll stop#trying to make conversation with me and just ignore me and i'll become more and more isolated#mostly because that's exactly what happened last time i worked#and ugh it's just so far out of my comfort zone and out of my depth and i don't know how things are going to end up or if i can even handle#a job and it's just. scary. literally i've felt sick so many times this week as well just from stressing about it#i just did not expect the anxiety around it to affect me so badly mentally. even on the days i'm NOT working#i guess i have more issues around working than i thought i did#and probably this is the point where i'd think i should go back to therapy. but no way can i afford that and no way can i emotionally#handle the extra hours i'd have to work to pay for that#it's just... all a bit overwhelming right now.#emma vents
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Hey! Because I have seen various, various, various takes on Ashton’s actions in ep77– both on twitter (whew) and on here— and I am loving all of the different perspectives on it, I was wondering what your opinion was on the take that Ashton may have manipulated Fearne in the conversation they both had right before absorbing the shard.
Personally, I feel like it may be a bit more complicated than that, but I still don’t know.
Hey!
I think this post I made sums it up. It's not. Ashton tells Fearne precisely what they intend to do. He then does it. Fearne has the opportunity to refuse this request, or to tell the rest of Bells Hells, and she chooses not to. Yes, he compliments her and tells her that he trusts her to do the right thing when most wouldn't. Laudna asks Imogen to kill her if Delilah takes over in virtually the same exact language earlier than episode, and I don't think that's manipulative either:
Laudna to Imogen: And if anything happens and I become her little puppet, I trust you to make the right choice. (Implication this is a request for a mercy killing in the context of Delilah and Laudna's lives being inseparable; is understood as such by Imogen as demonstrated from her response and her later scene in the temple)
Ashton to Fearne: Things are going to happen, and I trust you to help me make the right decision, and I hope you trust me to help make the right decision.
The fact one is being brought up and not the other really points out that the Twitter talks out their collective ass ten times more often than they do their collective mouth; and the fact that they cannot distinguish "put Fearne in a somewhat uncomfortable position" from manipulation really points out that touching grass is not enough; they need to develop meaningful relationships with a wide variety of people in the real world.
Going along with a friend's stupid-ass decision that they encouraged you to join in and immediately regretting it is not, in fact, manipulation; it's your friend at most being kind of a dick and you exercising your agency to make your own stupid-ass decisions. It would have been wiser and nicer of Ashton to ask the party who wanted to take the shard, sure, but Fearne actively agrees with them that they should get it, and Ashton is not really defined by wisdom and being nice, and also, the above would be way more boring.
I don't want to go into this because it's a massive out-of-scope rant not limited to this particular situation, and I'd like to drag my sleep schedule back into a reasonable place tonight, but I think a lot of the more rancid discourse, whatever it may be but especially about interpersonal relationships between characters, arises for the following reasons, and I have little patience for any of them.
Thinking the only way to be a Good Person is to use 2023-approved therapy speak (and, frankly, frequently 2023 Rando on Tiktok claiming expertise who is actually a freshman psych students with no friends and a D average approved "therapy speak")
Relatedly, an all-consuming fear of any conflict, fictional, real, or otherwise, and the accompanying lack of any conflict resolution skills; this is also why they think this is manipulative, because if Fearne said no, that would be Conflict which is bad so positioning someone where conflict might be required for them to express themselves must be evil.
The genuine belief that you can only understand someone if you get everything right on the first try; either you read their mind perfectly or you have failed and are probably a manipulator or abuser for potentially leading to misunderstandings which lead to conflict which, as we see from the above point, is evil.
A refusal to admit that sometimes people are merely 1. assholes or 2. stupid. I frequently talk about opinions I cannot stand, and I almost as frequently get questions about how this opinion is problematic, and the vast majority of the time? It's not. I think it says something quite worrying, actually, that people are more comfortable and even eager to assume that a stranger is hateful or bigoted rather than merely inconsiderate or not that bright. Ashton made a poorly informed decision and made Fearne party to it. It was dumb and it wasn't really nice. That's literally it.
Anyway here's the five geek social fallacies; I recommend reading any Twitter Take(TM) and deciding how many of them they are applying to the narrative, cast, and fandom. See if you can get a full house.
(also upon re-reading this I'm pretty brusque and I promise it's not directed at you; I just genuinely think that the majority of the Twitter fandom, and certainly the loudest voices thereof, are so stupid a Detect Thoughts spell on them would fail on the basis of intelligence alone and the fact that their takes gain traction baffles and infuriates me)
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ugh
I can't sleep and I'm just sort of stewing over how unprepared I am to be entirely on my own managing my own healthcare. blech.
Did I mention, Farmsister was suffering from hip pain and went to her doctor and was diagnosed with the exact same problem I have?
Diagnosed, I said. Yes! Her doctor actually investigated the cause of her pain, diagnosed her, referred her to a physical therapist, but also came up with a plan of treatment. Told her physical therapy often can't resolve this issue, so after a set amount of PT, if there wasn't enough improvement she'd refer her to an orthopedist instead.
Imagine that. My doctor was like "you've got intermittently debilitating pain? You should go see a doctor about that." and that was that. I went to a physical therapist because that's what she recommended, but I don't have a plan, I'm just spending $150/wk to work out in a room full of other people. I guess I'll ask my PT if there's a plan or like timeline or like, idk, something we should look for, or what. IDK what a realistic goal is. Pain-free seems out of reach. I'd settle for largely functional, I guess? But I don't know, and I guess I'm on my own to figure it out.
And the same with the ADHD! She was like "oh, your insurance isn't going to cover it and it's probably going to take months of waiting, but you had better go see someone about that", and refused to engage any further. So I messaged the psychiatrist today and he doesn't check the messages on that platform so I texted the admin who was like oh usually medication is adjusted at follow-ups, and I'm like well in the three minutes he talked to me it didn't come up I guess, so then they texted back that he says to try taking two pills a day for a couple days and then schedule a follow-up.
I've asked around, and usually I guess the regular adderall pills, you take in two doses at separate times. But if the point is that I'm trying to see if a higher dose helps, I'd probably better take them at the same time??
It's just that when the small ineffective dose wears off four or five hours after I take it, without my ever having had a good phase, I get horribly drowsy and also get this kind of gross formless yearning that I think might be a dopamine crash, where I roam the house in itchy horrible discontent trying to think of something that might help me, but it's not candy and it's not reading a book and it's not napping, and I guess I understand why people turn to drugs or self-harm because the feeling is awful, spacy and wrung-out and aimlessly needy.
But I guess it's up to me to research what that is and what to do about it, and then at my $250 three-minute follow-up appointment in three days or whatever I'll tell the psych what I want prescribed to me, because it's sure as shit not like he's going to have any fucking advice for me.
And like. Laugh out loud at the notion that my primary care physician would give a single shit about this. Maybe I didn't mention this on here either but literally the only thing she has looked into about me is that my blood tests came back with a fasting blood glucose level of 5.7 (idk what units, just that she's fixated on that number) and it is exactly entirely that post circulating about """"pre-diabetes"""? She has put in my chart that she wants to start me on Metformin!! Christ all fucking mighty, it could not be more obvious that she took one look at my fat ass and was like "this bitch eats only candy! I'd better scare her straight!"
Ma'am fuck off. She wants me to get my blood retested in July and I am figuring I'll take advantage of having to have a visit then anyway to get the ADHD stuff entered into my main chart, and I'm also going to tell her that since she was so disinterested in literally any of the conditions actually debilitating me (my hip pain and my ADHD) I had to research those so I could treat myself, and in the course of researching that I found out about the fake "epidemic" of "pre-diabetes" which isn't a thing, it's a fucking PR gambit to sell drugs, and so if she prescribes me diabetes drugs when I do not fucking have diabetes I will not be taking them, and I will also be looking for a new doctor, because I do not appreciate her fixation on treating a condition I do not have while ignoring things that are literally preventing me from leading the life I want to, wherein I can do things like, stand/walk as much as I like and can also like, perform tasks.
So there's my timeline.
(Yeah my insurance won't cover blood testing a second time in a year so that's gonna cost me $200ish, and the phone doctor visit she insisted on to discuss the results last time was $45 and it'll be that again for this one, but I mean, eventually I'll hit my deductible maybe.)
I don't know, people tell me that they have medical professionals that actually listen to and treat them and give them like actual good actionable advice on how to improve their various health conditions but as far as I can tell that all sounds fake and isn't a thing.
Unfortunately, I am too fucking debilitated by my Can't Think Good disease to do a competent job at caring for myself, so I guess I'm just going to have to fucking muddle through somehow, or something.
Probably I should put together my citations on how Pre-Diabetes Is Fake so that when I unload that on my doctor I can do so with fucking footnotes at least. Lord knows I can't sleep at the moment so I might as well do something productive.
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why chilton?
AAALRIGHT im going to assume you're coming from my confession thing (chilton is the most reasonable character) so i'll answer that first.
(coming back up here after writing a bit, this is long and spoiler-y so i'm adding a read more. @ vic youre already up to season 3 just wait ok)
also a disclaimer: i'm writing all of this from memory while freezing in the wind at the bus stop. errors may follow
chilton may be a dumbass when it comes to his own actions BUT everyone is tbh so thats kinda just the baseline
however! he was one of the only people to believe will. he saw the evidence (albeit the little of it there was, since hannibal left very little) that pointed to hannibal, and he was able to put aside his positive associations and think critically about it
jack and alana both let their personal connection to hannibal cloud their judgement until it was too late. which is understandable! i love both of them as well. but out of those three people we see regularly interacting with hannibal personally, having dinner as friends (or more!), frederick is the only one who was willing to consider that hannibal was the ripper
of course beverly did as well, but she wasnt close with hannibal, and breaking into his house without telling anyone where she was going unfortunately docks some reasonable points. sorry bev </3
(and bedelia. but she didnt really try to do much about it except send smoke signals in the form of wine and truffles. i can understand that though. go get your europe holiday girl)
he was also the only one to see hannibal and will's fucked up relationship in season 3 ("with those two [disembowelling] is tantamount to flirtation" in aperitivo).
and now for more general 'why he's my favourite' stuff!
i really love his character arc - it's almost circular, and hes still recognisable as the frederick chilton we meet in entrée by the time the number of the beast is 666 rolls around, but he's taken his experiences in and grown as a person, imo. still confident, still egotistical, but still Changed.
and the fact that he's still the same by the end is really meaningful! because we all know that this man is a human punching bag - he went through so much over the course of the show, but he got back up every time. he's an incredibly strong person for that (and probably a little - or very - stubborn!), and it's very admirable. he held his head up and he faced abel gideon after he vivisected him (he stood right in front of him! the man who had broken out of restraints more than once!), he sat and ate with hannibal (more than once, we can assume) after he'd attacked him in his home and left three mutilated corpses for him and left him pretty much for dead
(im sure jack wouldve shot him if he hadnt surrendered and been someone familiar, and he wouldve likely been tried and if found guilty, executed much like hannibal should have been without frederick and alana saving his ass)
of course, this insistence on standing his ground led to his unfortunate fate in s3e12, but it's not his fault he didnt forsee a third attempt on his life. his strength is admirable nonetheless
i'd dock reasonable points for 'trusting will graham' but everyone did. that's another baseline. (aside from bedelia, i suppose. but her first impression of him was hannibal's pathetic little rambles in hannibal-mandated therapy)
also he's a funny little guy and has some of the best lines in the show. and he's played by raúl esparza who did so INCREDIBLY like holy shit
okay i think im out of stuff to say and i'm nearly at my stop thanks 4 reading
#I SPENT LIKE NEARLY HALF AN HOUR ON THIS DJAKDKAKD#hannibal#nbc hannibal#willgrahamsbecoming#frederick chilton#raúl esparza#hannibal analysis
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If you wouldn’t mind doing a matchup for me, I’d appreciate it. Only characters I would like to avoid would be Adam & Valentino.
I am on the aroace spectrum. Demi for both. I am bi-oriented. My pronouns are they/them.
I am autistic so I have sensory issues. I also have social issues and would like to get a service dog specifically for DPT (deep pressure therapy, applying pressure to the body to help ground & regulate heart rate) and social interactions.
I am a big animal person. I have four pets in total right now but have had many and will have many more. I’ve had animals of all kinds, birds, reptiles, dogs, cats. I’ve even worked with horses before. Very big on animals. I prefer them to people.
I wouldn’t say I’m shy necessary, more so just traumatized. When I’m in a space I feel comfortable I’m very loud, very opinionated. I tend to use bullying as a form of affection but never let it go too far. I’m petty as fuck. I’m also very blunt and brash. In spite of that I do try to be kind and help people but if you ask me for my opinion I’m going to give you my unfiltered opinion. Yes, that dress washes you out give it away.
I enjoy writing, reading, drawing, and theater. I cook and bake a lot. I like to have things organized, obsessively so. I also enjoy dance. I specifically would like to try pole dancing but for a while I hyperfixated on swing dancing. Of course, I never had a partner though. I do try to maintain an active lifestyle by going on walks with my dogs among other things. My goal is to build up enough muscle to carry dogs of all sizes and a future partner.
My clothing style tends to lean alternative. I like blacks, purples, blues, and greens. I’m not a fan of warm toned colors but I will wear maroons. I like wearing tight fitted clothes and crop tops but I also have a special interest in historical fashion so I’ll wear just about anything.
In terms of a demon form for me specifically. . . I feel like I’d be a moth, a thylacine, or a bobcat type demon. I honestly don’t really care which as long as I get fangs because fangs should be gender affirming care.
Anyway, hugs and kisses if you want them.
- @am-i-interrupting
Your Matchup is...
Husk!
This was a bit hard because it was either him or Vaggie, but I landed on him! Mainly due to how you described your personality and I think you two would get along great and just :) i made it up to your interpretation if it's romantic or platonic! @am-i-interrupting
y'all would meet either through the hotel or during Alastor's seven year absence! most likely the latter so let's run with that for this
he was probably on his way TO the casino (as if he shouldn't just live there with how much he frequents it) when you guys bumped into each other!
one of your dogs who was a bit too friendly today decided to run up to the grump and ask to be pet
Husk being Husk immediately backs up while you're trying to apologize for the dog's action and explain it away, but Husk also isn't a complete asshole so he lets it go
but it's on his mind for the rest of the day.... and so what does he do? he takes that same path every day at the same time hoping to bump into you
after like the fifth time he finally pets the dog and you two maybe share a few words. maybe several dozen times later you two start to hang out a bit
once Alastor's back though you're sad to not have you're walking friend anymore
but when you heard Alastor was back and at a hotel you suspected that is somewhere where Husk bit be (good thing for hunches!)
i wouldn't say you'd frequent the hotel because it looks very far out, but on your more free days you might take the dogs out for a longer walk for them to see their grumpy friend
(As for the other pets, they do get to occasionally come, but only if Nifty is super busy. Only the dogs and cats aren't scared of her. Honestly I'd just be scared of her period)
"Well look who showed up here."
"You say that every week, fool. You should expect me at this point. Where is everyone?"
"Charlie and Vaggie are attempting to campaign this whole failure again, Angel is working, Sir Pentious is in that weird blimp, and Alastor is fucking somewhere."
"And Nifty?"
"Haven't figure it out."
"Good things I did not bring over the little guys then. Just the dogs."
You unclipped them from their leashes to let them roam around the main floor of the hotel, though they stuck behind the bar with Husk.
"Alastor still has you stuck here? Not even a little break?"
"Convincing that bastard to give me a break is like pulling teeth outta a bear. Never gonna happen."
"Man, fuck him. He's a weirdo asshole."
"One that owns my soul."
"Dumbass."
"Fuck you."
"Love you toooo."
A/n: Thank youuu XOXO (You also did my matchup which I really loved!)
#hh matchup#hazbin hotel matchups#hazbin hotel matchup#hazbin hotel husk#hazbin hotel husker#hazbin hotel x reader#husk x reader#husker x reader
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Thoughts While Watching Gilmore Girls- Season 2, Episode 16, "There's The Rub", aka a Masterpiece of Gilmore-dom, AKA Forrester Can't Bring Me Down, AKA Jess Rory And Paris Eat Together And All Is Right With The World-Part 2
Before we continue I'd like to acknolwedge the sweet and thoughtful people who have been leaving generous compliments about this shitcircus of a thing I'm doing here. Mwah.
Who's ready for more TTR?
(PS-Don't forget to check out part 1 and all of the previous episodes I've recapped! You can find them in my pinned post. Tryna work on a new master index in the meantime).
Dean Forrester's reaction to a woman talking.
Can I just ask a question?
Forrester, why are you even with this girl in the first place? Why did this relationship drag out over the course of five long years? You clearly don't like her. Every word she says seems to bore and annoy you. You don't want to join in any activities with her. She's clearly not gonna have sex with you (yet). You don't respect her or support her in any of her endeavors. Every week you do something to frighten her or make her fear you, and frankly, she's not a big fan of yours either. Truly, what is in it for you?
Oh right, it's cause you're using her so you can eventually fuck her Mom. Silly me. Carry on, you sexist worm (no offense to decent worms everywhere).
Rory:
R: Do laundry, and watch tv and eat the Indian food that I love but my mom hates.
Can ya'll believe this is an actual exchange of words that is happening right now? They're really going back and forth so Rory can gain Dean's approval to do her laundry.
Oh hey, my Gilmore Girls Bingo Card is filling up! We have a "Dean, are you mad?" TIMES TWO.
WHY SHOULD HE BE MAD THAT YOU WANT TO SPEND ONE EVENING WITHOUT HIM. RORY... PLEASE. This is so worrisome.
Idk maybe cause you're a fucking tapeworm? Sorry tapeworms. You're head lice. Your leather coat fucking smells.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
Dear God, Rorygil. I love you but please grow a spine. In the span of mere minutes we saw her cave under pressure from Paris to the point she agreed to tutor her for an entire week, which was totally unnecessary. Paris was asking for like, one evening.
A minute later RoryGil caves under pressure from Dean, and now she's talking like she's going to cater to his every (probably sick and perverse) need like some kind of servant, just because he scowled when she said she wanted to do her laundry.
THERAPY NOW, RORYGIL.This people-pleasing is wildly out of control. If therapy is not a viable option, just fucking kick Forrester in the nuts and tell Paris to chill because you'll have plenty of time to play Dysfunctional Marriage when you're older and married to each other someday.
(TWWGG is alone in her room, repeatedly saying KICK HIM IN THE NUTS out loud)
IT'S OKAY NEIGHBORS. I'M JUST YELLING AT DEAN FORRESTER. FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM EARLY 2000s TV SITCOM. SLIMY WORM. NOTHING TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Let me translate this DeanSpeak for you. I'm a pro.
"I'm a saint": "I'm a saint for dating you even though you won't let me do things like come over while your mom is out of town and feel you up on the couch."
"I'm confused": "I'm confused as to why you would ever prefer blissful solitude over giving me an awkward handjob on your Mom's couch."
You know, if you weren't enough of a worm as it is, you probably fucking pressure her sexually too.
Me singing to Dean Forrester:
Is a kissing coach a thing? Couldn't someone at the WB Network put aside a couple of bucks to teach Jared Padalecki how to kiss? Barring that, at least a blow up doll or pillow to practice on?
The fault CLEARLY does not lie with Alexis Bledel.
Can you imagine you're AB, you fucking get paid to kiss Milo at work and if that wasn't enough, you're really dating him, so you leave your job where you got paid to kiss him all day and go kiss him some more at home...
I think about this A LOT.
Cut to Emily and Lorelai at the spa, where hell has apparently frozen over because Lorelai Gilmore has actually shut the hell up.
Me trying to make small talk on a first date:
HA, someone won't shut up and leave you alone and is constantly invading your personal space! How about them apples, Lorelai!
What is this magical place called a "Quiet Room" and can I shove any gilmore girls character of my choosing in there at any time?
L: Mom, you booked us for a couples massage. Do you know what most couples do 5 minutes after this is over? They have sex, together, probably while wearing their robes.
Someone on Gilly Girls said S-E-X. I am scandalized!
E: You've been pouting, sighing, sulking, mumbling, rolling your eyes the whole time.
L: That's just how I detox.
LMAO. What a stellar line. This episode is so great. Despite the presence of Forrester the Worm.
Whoa Nelly! What kind of cosmic alignment was in place that day for Lorelai to actually apologize for something?
Err, two things...
Firstly: Mr. Peanut Pajamas. I always love Rory's pajamas and I wonder where they all came from.
Secondly: Is Rory running a laundry service for all 9,000+ citizens of Stars Hollow out of her home? Five days a week she wears a school uniform. Where did all these clothes come from?
I love it when Paris shows up on Rory's door step, she always looks like an abandoned puppy looking for a home for the night. And she sort of is.
P: I tried to stay home and study by myself! But I can't! There is this aching in my heart that I just cannot ignore! It grows louder and louder by the minute! Rory Gilmore, I love you! Will you marry me?
Okay, so I made up everything past the first line, but you know she was thinking it.
Paris guilt trips Rory into letting her stay because Rory feels bad that Paris' parents don't love her. Poor RoryGil. Just let her LIVE.
R: Fine I'll study with you for one hour then you have to go home!
Narrator: Paris Geller would not in fact, be going home, but her NotGoingHomeNess would make for one enchanted evening.
Literally puppy eyes! This is after Rory said they would start studying after she got changed, and Paris responded "My hour doesn't start until you get back, right?"
To be continued.
#theres the rub#gilmore girls#rory gilmore#lorelai gilmore#paris geller#emily gilmore#gilmore girls season 2#denise rewatches gilmore girls#Paris and Rory Love Affair#still can't think of a good ship name for them#Mr.Peanut Pajamas#Dean Forrester The Slimy Worm
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(tags from @wounded-hands on my post about spn backing down from god as an abusive father. hope you don't mind me using this as a jumping off point.)
BUT YEAH! YEAH EXACTLY!
This (among other reasons) is exactly why I fully have not finished the Lucifer tv show, despite the fact that I loved the first few seasons so much. But those first few seasons were not pulling their punches about this fact! They looked you in the eye and went "Lucifer is severely fucked up because of what God did to him" and for a while, they didn't back down from that!
Whether I ever go back and watch the show again or not, I know that two scenes are always going to stick in my head forever. The scene of Chloe seeing the wing scars for the first time (we the audience know that the scars are self-inflicted (but given how he cut his wings off specifically to separate himself from God, it's still connected to his abuse) but Chloe assumes that his dad did that to him. And the way Lucifer reacts, immediately defensive and trying to get attention away from them...!!!), and the scene of Linda, prompted by Amenadiel, cornering Lucifer in a therapy session, telling him that God actually loved him. (And for me specifically, the very trans-coded subtext of that scene being that she's! She's literally deadnaming him! And he reacts Violently!!!! Before just fleeing!!!!)
Not to mention, later, the extreme distress he feels at the idea that his dad forced his wings back on him against his will, or how Chloe was literally created to fill a love interest role for him. Lucifer loses more and more autonomy as the show goes on, and it's almost like we're just meant to?? ignore that??? accept that he's not in control of what's happening to him and that his dad meddled with his life and love just because he'll be happy if he's with Chloe. (This is a horror story!!!!!!!!!!)
(His wings, if I remember correctly, turned out to be His Own Fault Actually. which. I think that was the turning point for when the show started placing the blame on Lucifer (for overreacting. for not shutting up and accepting these gifts. etc. etc.) rather than actually exploring God's role as an abusive father.)
(Sidenote here, I'm focusing on Lucifer, but this problem obviously began to affect Amenadiel, too, as the show went on. Like, he's clearly suffering under the weight of the same abuse + expectations of God in the earlier seasons, but. I'd probably have to rewatch the show to break down his part in it. Which I don't want to do. Because the show turned on me >:(. )
And then when God does show up on the show.
I can't even.
My problems with this can roughly be summed up in one scene. During that episode where God is following Lucifer around, and I can't remember exactly, they run into some people, and God starts reminiscing about the past. And he describes Lucifer's rebellion (the thing that got him thrown into Hell! the thing that has been a source of trauma for seasons! a very very serious fucking thing!) as Lucifer basically throwing a tantrum.
And this could be so good. This could be so good, if the show was using this moment to portray how God has twisted up the events, even to himself, to make all of this Lucifer's fault, to make it seem like Lucifer's trauma isn't actually that bad. But I really don't feel like that was the point of that moment. It felt like the show was siding with him. Telling us that Lucifer's issues with God weren't actually that bad. Should be forgiven and not thought of any longer.
The worst part is that this could have gotten even more interesting. Lucifer assumes the role of God and his first act as God? Cutting his brother's wings off and casting him into Hell. HE FELL INTO THE CYCLE!!!! HE DID THE THING!!!! HE BECAME HIS FATHER!!!!! but then the show just doesn't ever bring Michael up again and I guess we were supposed to cheer when Lucifer turned his vengeance on him and cast him down. (Despite us having multiple seasons before this and the whole point of the seasons after it being that punitive justice is Bad, Actually, and Lucifer shouldn't be Judge, Jury, and Executioner, for his sake and those he hurts.)
Sorry for rambling. I, uh. have a few issues with the Lucifer tv show.
(It's almost worse than Supernatural in my eyes for this reason. Supernatural's decline was slow and predictable. Lucifer veered right off a cliff into being so much worse and never recovered. It set up so many things and then backed down completely from all of them. At least Supernatural had the guts to go "Yeah, God's a dick, and we're going to beat the shit out of him", even if the weight of that had mostly gone by the time they did it.)
#yeah so. thoughts. about this show.#lucifer tv#lucifer morningstar#like to be clear? i still love the first few seasons of this show. they aren't perfect. but god i want to chew on them.#lucifer and how he reacts to things relating to his past/abuse at god's hands is soooo. soooooooo.
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I'm Confused About Something...
A brief update for the uninitiated, which probably means everyone. Sometime back, I attempted to strike up a friendship with noted online semicelebritytype Indigo White, who you may know from her many productions of video entertainment not intended for younger viewers (do the math). Yes, I first came across her the same way most guys do (let's just say my prostate has never been healthier), but then I started watching her YouTube videos, and was very impressed with her intelligence, sense of humor, and levelheadedness. I'm very drawn to intelligence, and decided this is someone I'd actually like to know. And through chats during live streams and interactions on Twitter and Fansly, things seemed to be proceeding nicely. I'd like to think that I made it clear that I wasn't just another dweeb who'd parasocially bonded to some e-girl, that this was genuine affection for her as a person. Seeing that in writing makes it sound weird, but so be it, let's move on.
Some time ago, Indigo came out as trans, and was now a boy. Despite the change in personal pronouns to he/him, and now sporting shorter, Beatle-ish hair, nothing much was going to change content-wise, no plans for surgery or hormones (which begs the question of just how trans was Indy actually, but we'll not deal with that here, or anywhere else for now, it's largely irrelevant).
Okay, fine, I'll play along, so long Indy didn't feel the need to undergo anything permanent, (again, usually an indicator that something else is going on, not gender dysphoria), so no harm no foul.
In the meantime, I've gotten to know several detransitioners online, and heard their horror stories about how they'd been suckered into the whole gender ideology thing (which, by the way, is the creation of a very sick man, John Money, a pedophile who should be listed right alongside Joseph Mengele for the work he did directly with a couple of twin boys, both ending in suicide, but also for his sham "work" being baked into the psychiatric and medical industries before the true horror of his acts were finally made public. The result is that actual gender dysphoria, the kind where major gender reassignment surgery is the only workable treatment, has largely been pushed aside for people who are suffering from other, less serious issues, generally from some childhood trauma, like puberty in general, and turning garden variety identity crises into reasons for these sufferers, largely teenagers, who we must remember are still highly impressionable are generally stupid, to permanently wreck their biochemistry and mutilate their bodies).
So, during one live stream, I get wind of Indy trying to work up the courage to get what is euphemistically referred to as "top surgery", i.e., a double mastectomy, for no other reason than a long time hatred of them. Turns out Indy got those DD tiddies pretty much full force, virtually overnight, and besides being literally painful, anybody who's been to school between the ages of 9 to 15 can fill in the blanks of what the reaction of the other kids was. Also keep in mind that the amygdala, the lizard part of the brain that handles trauma and triggers the ol' fight-or-flight response, doesn't differentiate between actually life threatening situations and a snide comment from a 4th grade teacher at the wrong time, trauma is trauma, and can have life altering effects, especially in kids. We're generally not even aware of this happening until pointed out to us. Digging through Indy's Tumblr, apparently there's some additional trauma back there, that is triggering enough that I'm not going to even try and ask about it, but we're still talking a response to trauma. One day, it'll have to be dealt with, not just painted over with a big ol' "Congrats! You're Trans!" label. That's not therapy, that checking a box so somebody can make a boat payment. Since lives are at stake with this nonsense, I get very pissed off.
Anyway.
Back to the case at hand. I, hoping to spare Indy the kind of life wrecking pain I've seen others going through, began pushing for the alternative of breast reduction. Less invasive, faster recovery, and coming to the conclusion that, yes, Indy's tits WERE too big (5'4", 110 lbs, shouldn't be any bigger than a B, maybe closer to an A).
Enter the Affirmation Brigade, standing by and cheering Indy forward to go forth and be sliced up like a Sunday roast, to advance the cause of TRANS RIGHTS! Which I see as an attempt to validate their own sorry existences at the expense of someone else's health and well being. Well, during an engagement with one of these ghouls, things got rather heated, and more than a little ugly. I don't particularly regret anything I said, I would've preferred it didn't have to be in the form of calling out the other person as a butcher. Not because it was inaccurate (it wasn't), but because it was somewhat undignified.
Cue another set of angry DMs with Indy, demanding that I knock it off or get banned. I'd said everything I felt needed saying, so feeling no need to press the issue any further, certainly not publicly, I agreed. And things got more or less back to normal.
However, I reached out to a noted doctor who deals with the whole trans issue, and, with a couple of links, one to Indy's Twitter profile, the second to the coming-out video on YouTube, and asked for a professional opinion. Mainly, I wanted some guidance on whether I was doing the right thing by trying to be the lone voice against the affirmation chorus, trying to make the point that major invasive surgery over a personality issue is probably a very, very bad idea. Had I pushed too far, or should I stand my ground? One of the recurring themes I'd been hearing from detransitioners was that nobody ever challenged them, made them stop and think it out, WHY did they think they were trans? Could it be something else? Let's figure this out BEFORE we start lopping off perfectly healthy body parts, and see if we can find a less bloody and traumatizing solution. We live in a world where unless you blindly affirm the choice, you're a (fill in the blank). Well, sorry, but if the Emporer is walking down Broadway bloody starkers, I'm gonna say something.
Fast forward to a couple days later, this has gotten back to Indy, and the response in DM was thermonuclear. What right did I have to do this, I'm insane, etc., etc., and that was it, I'd been given too many chances already, I was banned, with the final shot being, and I quote, "Unblocking you to say one final thing. If I didn’t have the support i have and live where i do, what you did could have gotten me killed. Think about that. Fuck you."
Okay, back that up a little.
I posted a link to a PUBLIC Twitter page, with a link to a PUBLIC YouTube video (which Indy posted herself/himself TWICE, and has pinned to various other social media sites), disclosed no information, and only asked for "a professional opinion." (For the record, the only response I got back from the doctor was "Nope.") How in this, or any other reality could that endanger anybody? Did I overstep? Okay, I'll grant that. Wasn't the first time, pretty sure it won't be the last. But possibly getting Indy killed? Sorry, but I need to hear the twisted logic that comes to that conclusion, because I ain't seeing it, and I took Logic in college, I know a thing or two about false premises and the strange places they lead.
I would like to rebuild this relationship, if possible, but I'm not holding my breath. Clearly what I did incensed Indy, and it's not likely it'll be easy to walk that back. I would still like to have that explanation, though. If you're gonna throw down something like my being responsible for possible manslaughter, I think I'm at least owed that much.
Again, Indy (if you've read this far), my DMs are open, and I did give you my phone number, provided you haven't deleted the DM (doesn't seem like it, because I've still got 'em on my end). I'm ready for peace when you are.
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Doctor Who The Giggle
60th anniversary in the bag!
I enjoyed that the whole thesis of this is the Doctor finally reckoning with all the pain he has. Because it's true, he usually runs away or if he does take a break, it seems like he takes the first excuse he can find to distract himself.
The episode did enjoy bringing up loads of past stories, which did get a little tiresome toward the end. But the summary of the Moffat-era companions for Donna was quite good. "Well that's all right then!" Lots of companions had not-quite-deaths.
It was interesting that the two games that were played were extremely simple. I like it. The Doctor knew that he couldn't win by being "the smartest man in the room." So while imo the catch game was a little weird and anticlimactic, it made sense.
I'm surprised that the revised bi-generation leak didn't end up being accurate. The one where 15 was pulled from the moment of 14's actual regeneration in the future. Maybe the leaker got that from 15's line that he's mentally healthier because 14 ends up doing the work, and that therapy goes out of order.
For some reason I'm more okay with bi-generation having actually seen it. I think it's because they made it look like mitosis lol. And THIS is why 14 wasn't wearing 13's clothes; they were weird special clothes that would split along with the bi-generation! Maybe! Also this means that 14 was going commando for the entire last act.
I'm still super cynical about how they probably did this so they could get another show with Tennant. Hopefully that never happens. But I still wonder what will happen when 14 dies? It'll probably be that 15 took all the regenerations lol.
Someone on reddit pointed out that they used the "Last Christmas" score in Wild Blue Yonder when the Doctor and Donna were talking about if he was all right. And they used it again here!! Ugh, I love that score. I haven't watched Last Christmas since it first aired but I've listened to that track many times (I should watch it again this Christmas!). If I remember, the story was about slowing down and appreciating the relationships you have, which is what The Giggle is about too! "Every Christmas is last Christmas" :,)
I said somewhere that I would do unspeakable things if they used the Heaven Sent score again. Which they didn't (yet), thank goodness. I thought I heard a few notes of it as they were arriving at UNIT, but it was so few that it was probably just a passing similarity.
I felt so vindicated when 15 pointed out that the TARDIS needs a chair!! Yes, it always needs chairs! But I don't see one in your TARDIS yet, 15, only a jukebox!!
If I had a nickel for every time a mysterious hand picked up a small item that contained the Master, I'd have two nickels. Which isn't a lot, but it's weird that it happened twice. And where is that hand even coming from, it's right on the edge of the helipad!
David did a great job at portraying the Doctor as someone who had the extra ~1000 years (or billions, depending on who you ask) after 10. I think the face came back because 10 was the one who lived for the shortest amount of time, and 10 was the most scared of change and "letting go." If the Doctor's going to heal, it's this personality that needs to do it. Or else it won't stick.
I'm so excited for Ncuti Gatwa. The Giggle was the ending to the 2005 show, which is so weird to think about. I didn't expect it to do that--I thought that the "season 1" renumbering would be pretty arbitrary. But I like that it ended. I never expected feel a sense of closure from Doctor Who, but it's there.
On to Christmas!
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Okokokok so (assuming) you’re an avid heimes shipper, I’m rlly curious, so like, how do you think (in your resurrection au) kratos would feel if Hermes came back to life out of nowhere and started dating Heimdall??? LMAOO
OR EVEN, WOULD, your au Heimdall even ever be into Hermes at all????? Due to his redemption and all??? KSJDKDJ I can’t stop thinking abt it😭
oh ive thought about this A LOT. like an ungodly amount. i actually at first made a character for Heimdall as a love interest but scrapped it cuz i didnt want it to be a Heimdall x oc thing ya know. then my dear friend (@medievildead) got me Hermespilled- and now i have. better ideas. they wouldnt work with what im actually going for with res!AU cuz itd add sooooo many things and its just. ough. but!
There's so many ways this could go. So Many. (x0k if youre reading this im encouraging you to make a version with your Hermes AU c:)
But i'd like to imagine that Atreus one day just comes home wearing the like ancient Greek travelling outfit and Kratos looks him up and down, goes silent for a few minutes before asking where the fuck and who the fuck he got that from. Atreus just happily going "from this really nice man, had flaming hair, weird little voice but he was cool and- oh there he is-" and just points over to Hermes crawling out of the bushes and yelling "where are my fucking shoes Kratos?!"
i think thats funny, i think that should be canon. Hermes existing and following Atreus home to Midgard opens up so much place for angst with Kratos and Atreus but im not here for that, im here to make 2 people worse. mostly Heimdall, reverse therapy now that Hermes is here /hj
Hermes joining the gang is just like like the Thor scene but Loud and hes like "i brought olives :]" and Kratos lets him in just for that trade tbh.
Kratos asking how tf hes even alive and Hermes replies with "im bugs" without elaborating, we never find out how he's alive.
Uncle Hermes is definitely my fav trope so him bonding with Atreus over atheletics and mischief, mostly bullying Heimdall. Hermes locked eyes with Heimdall and immediately decided that he was a worthy opponent. so their relationship starts with Hermes and Atreus bullying the shit out of Heimdall, who's self growth is really being tested on a daily basis. when Atreus leaves again Heimdall is left with just 1 shithead insisting on making his life harder (but oh so affectionately).
i think Heimdall would actually be more likely to fall for Hermes cuz he finally got that giant stick out of his ass, would probably find his japes and overall mischief endearing, after he warms up to the Greek god.
Hermes is canonically really good at cooking too if im correct so him helping Heimdall with cooking,,, cute. so cute. Hermes teaches Heimdall Greek dishes and Heimdall teaches him Nordic dishes but Hermes usually just goes "this has no flavour" which in return makes Heimdall call him a slur of some kind in offense.
Heimdall showing off Gulltoppr being like "this is my great and loyal beast, he has never left my side for anyone, neither in life or death. he will never be loyal to anyone els-" camera turns to Hermes giving a purring Gully tummy rubs :3
unrelated (sorta) but i think Angrboda and Hermes would actually get along really well.
Hermes being the god of travel drags Heimdall around the 8 realms c o n s t a n t l y. Heimdall hates it, especially since Vanaheim would probably be Hermes' fav realm. but he usually plans a 'surprise' picnic so Heimdall isn't too upset about it :3
Hermes constantly throwing apples at Heimdall. infront of everyone. its funny. most people dont get why Heimdall turns completely red every single time.
if Kratos still has Hermes' boots like he did in the gow 2018 trailer and actually gives them back, Hermes would probs lend them to Atreus occasionally for travelling like the good uncle he is. or as i like to say, buncle. Atreus' bug uncle c:
Hermes would definitely flirt with Heimdall constantly before they start dating just to annoy the living shit out of him which Atreus would find extremely entertaining but once these 2 fuckers start dating they turn their attention back to bullying Atreus. rip my man
Heimdall giving his bf bifrost legs. Hermes deserves bifrost legs. he'd look So Gay. not sure how that'd work but its canon now.
overall i just have many unhinged (normal) thoughts about these 2, too many to put into words but this hopefully gets the point across c:
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I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d like to write down what it feels like when I’m at my worst. I think the human brain, for all of its wonder, does a shit job of hanging onto things, especially things that are painful. I’ve found that I can never quite recall what my body feels like or what thoughts race through my head when I feel very low.
I’m not at my lowest at the moment, but it was recent enough that I can remember pretty well. Last week, my doctor and I came to the agreement that I probably have cyclothymia. Even as a mental health professional, I didn’t know much about it outside of people calling it “Bipolar Lite ™️.” My doctor asked me if I’d ever had consistent relief from my anxiety. The answer to that is “fuck no.” If I feel consistently neutral, that’s about as good as it gets. I never feel consistently *good.* There are moments, here and there. Flashes, sometimes even a week or two at a time where I feel pretty good.
I don’t know if you’ve ever had COVID or chronic bronchitis, but if you have you probably know what it feels like not to be able to take a truly deep breath without sputtering or getting light-headed. That’s how those “pretty good” stretches feel for me. I can’t breathe all the way, I can’t settle. Always, always, a l w a y s there is background static flavored with fear. Justified fear, even. A body tensed waiting for the gun to go off to begin the sprint; all potential energy waiting for my next meltdown or crisis. And the fear is justified because one of the only certainties I can rely on when it comes to my brain is that it will freak the fuck out at some point. It doesn’t matter if everything is fine, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been doing well or taking my medications and going to therapy. I can always count on a meltdown that burns through that potential energy so fast that it brings my functioning to a screeching halt.
Anyway, back to my doctor. I told him, with less flowery language, that I’ve felt that way my whole life with little relief. To my surprise, he looked…relieved? Excited? He told me that he’d been wondering about cyclothymia for me ever since I told him I wasn't sure if one (of my four) anxiety meds was working.
Because, the thing is, it should have been working.
If what I have been experiencing was traditional anxiety, the cocktail of medications I was on should have knocked it out. And I definitely should not have had breakthrough panic attacks, self harm relapses, or roller coasters of SI.
My doc took my pulse which was sitting at around 150. He looked alarmed and took it three more times. He confirmed that I'd taken all of my meds. And then, he looked determined. He told me he thought I'd benefit from a mood stabilizer that was specifically developed for cyclothymia, to help treat hypomania.
Oh, hypomania. The "less severe" form of manic episodes. It's true, in some regards, I suppose. I don't experience week-long hells where I feel euphoric and invincible and out of control. I don't spend thousands of dollars I don't have on things I don't need. I don't make reckless or dangerous decisions with sex or drugs or food and I don't get psychosis. I'm thankful I don't have to endure those things.
But I don't get the supposed "good stuff" that is supposed to accompany hypomania. I don't get a sudden burst of energy and productivity that compels me to delightedly clean my house or do meal prep. I don't have days where I wake up in a sudden and miraculous good mood that lasts for a few days.
No, I don't get any of that. I get days and moments where my body feels like it is ripped from my control with absolutely no warning. I get, in a matter of seconds, a heart rate that jumps from 65 to 180. A rush of adrenaline that makes my body shake. The sudden and crushing belief that *nothing is okay and I will never be okay." The near incontrollable urge to just r u n a w a y. The urge to self harm. Sometimes actual self harm because feeling anything else would be better than this. Sometimes the urge to just…be gone. Because if this is my life I don't want it anymore.
That is what hypomania is like for me. Feeling as though someone broke into my car and is driving it wherever they want, even though I'm in the backseat losing my shit and fighting to regain control. It's not a fight I ever win. Instead, it's as though the thief gets bored and ditches me and my car in whatever state they put us in.
"See you soon," it always says.
Fear has been the soundtrack of my life for as long as I can remember. Today marks one week of taking mood stabilizers and 0 days since my last hypomanic episode.
I'm happy to still be here. It's nice to feel hopeful, even if I'm really fucking suspicious about it.
And to that car thief I say, "fuck you."
#cyclothymia#cyclothymic disorder#hypomania#dysphoric hypomania#mental illness#story time#TW: SI#tw: anxiety#tw: long post#tw: self destruction#lore drop#bipolar#me
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I'm…really going back and forth on whether or not I should be a therapist. I love psychology in general and diagnosing people, but I'm naturally a really judgemental, opinionated person (I don't like things like femininity because of dysphoria, or alcohol, but I'm completely all-or-nothing about it. I judge people for being feminine or drinking alcohol, even if they're not alcoholics or anything, because…I don't understand them).
My empathy's not the greatest either. I get mad when I'll tell people advice and they don't follow it, or I'll get annoyed when people just want to vent and they don't want a solution. I get empathy burnout/compassion fatigue a lot faster than other people do. I'm a pretty selfish person, and I feel like being selfish is bad for a therapist. Obviously all of this stuff can be learned (being judgemental would probably stop if I met more people and gradually stopped stereotyping them, and empathy is a learned skill), but I don't know if being a therapist is right for me. Thanks for your help, if you answer this.
You're absolutely right that these things can be learned! Empathy is not necessarily a natural emotional path for me, but I've developed a lot of intentional and mindful ways of thinking that more than "make up" for that. And I think all of us can struggle with watching people struggle to sit in distress when there are solutions that appear obvious to us, but a big part of the learning process as a clinician is learning how to remove yourself from the feedback you give unless there's an active reason to include disclosure or personal perspective.
I don't know you Anon, and I'm not going to give you career advice based on this message. But I am going to say that you really haven't painted a very good picture of yourself here as a prospective clinician.
Therapy is absolutely not about diagnosing people, and psychology is one of the frameworks of what we do, not what it's about. It's great to be interested in those things, but on their own, they won't make you an effective therapist or make you happy with your work.
To be honest, this ask has given me no indication whatsoever of why you might be interested in being a therapist. I'd be more inclined to ask you if you're feeling like you *should* be a therapist and are looking for reasons to talk yourself out of it based on how you've framed this.
I want to be really clear. Lots of people get told they should be therapists when what is actually being said is "you seem to have really ineffective boundaries around when and what others share with you about their lives and depend on you for." That's not a reason to go into therapy. I should know. It's one of the reasons I went into therapy. And had it been the only one, I absolutely would have gone down in flames years ago.
If you decide that you want to learn more about psychology, I think that's awesome! Psychology can be a fascinating field. It's not the only entry point into therapy, and in my opinion not necessarily even the best one depending on where your personal need areas are. Social work is also a common entry point, and can be more effective for some, especially those whose backgrounds are more vulnerable to the kinds of biases that tend to be reinforced in medical fields. But regardless of which method of learning you might choose to take, you can still choose not to become a therapist after. It can just be cool things you learned because they interested you. And frankly, if you genuinely enjoy diagnosing people, it might be for the best that be all it ever is. Diagnosis isn't what people outside of the field treat it as, and the field has worked REALLY hard to evolve it into its current understanding of "basically only something we do for billing purposes" with a little sprinkle of "sometimes symptoms cluster together in similar ways and we can help people with similar support tools based on that cluster". No one I know who treats diagnosis that way LIKES doing it though, because there's this inherent sense of "I am ascribing labels and meanings to clients through their insurance companies that I lose control of how others interpret as soon as I put them on the documentation" on top of the frantic fear of "what if someone else along the treatment/billing chain decides I was wrong?"
Here are some things I do like about my time at work! I like doing psycho-education with clients about things like executive function, the autonomic system, human need-meeting, relationship cultivation dynamics, etc. I like getting to know my clients as people and coming to understand their stories, where they come from as people, and the things about their lives that are important to them. I like hearing from them about the ways that they see changes over time when we find the resources and tools that work for them. I like learning from them about the different worlds, perspectives, and experiences that exist in life.
I really don't know if this response will have been helpful or not Anon, because to be honest I'm still really not sure what you were hoping for here. You really don't sound like you are interested in any of the things that make therapy what it is, and the things you do seem interested in seem to have more to do with liking to learn about mental health from the outside? Which is fine! There are lots of people who like that and plenty of reasons to get into that sort of thing. But I just don't know why you are motivated to be a therapist then, given all the hurdles you expect to face. Helping professions are jobs that take a deep emotional toll and tend to be really hard to do without compromising your moral values. There's no reason to seek out a job like that unless you have a real passion for the role/work specifically, not just the tangentially related subject matter.
Ultimately, I'm a therapist because I'm an abolitionist and a harm reductionist. I work for a practice that is operating within some really specific parameters, seeking to evolve the field and change the way care is executed over all. We're not just practitioners, we're advocates and political activists, all day every day. I sought out accreditation and certification as part of the effort to challenge the status of said acceeditation and certification. It's....a very specific kind of choice. And it's really not one that I recommend many people make. I'm lucky in my ability to do what I do and work with who I work with. Not everybody will be. And believe me, the amount of money one sinks into these credentials is not worth the salaries one gets, especially not if one is not also making really deliberate socio-political choices that are worth paying for. So like. If you enter therapy with the beliefs you describe and cannot guarantee challenging them by the time you get certified, *I personally do not want you in my field, whether you are a capable practitioner or not* because those beliefs are exactly the things I am working to eliminate and undermine through my own work. Psych abolition is hard enough without more people who are willing to impose themselves on their clients. This is not meant to be harsh or cruel. I understand what it's like to want something that is hard for you to do. But this is a field in which you can hold IMMENSE power over people's lives and you are describing yourself as someone who would judge, look down on, and be critical of your clients. That belongs NOWHERE NEAR such power, and if you cannot ensure the elimination of those tendencies, either through advocacy work and praxis, or through education, then you need to stay away.
I hope that you decide to learn more about these topics regardless of your career choices, because I have the sense that it would help you better understand and interact with others and the world. But either way, I strongly recommend looking into abolition as a general concept, and psych abolition as a more specific one. It may help you find the conceptual challenges that make this decision easier for you.
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linda as a therapist for literally everyone in the show is pretty flawed. yes, she can give perspective on supernatural matters but even her friends outside of the know (ella) go to her when they need the advice of a therapist. feel free to correct me on this but with my vague memory I at least know its highly unprofessional to take on a patient (fully booked and everything I presume) who you know personally or even just, has a impression in your life. as this can very much effect how you treat them and the help you give to them even if you don't mean it too.
lucifer being linda's paitent was obviously highly unethical at the start but eventually they develop into a more professional-friend kind. where still, it is unethical as eventually linda DOES fall into a relationship with lucifer's brother. who was an antagonist of sorts during at least season 1's sessions.
at some point i'd think between seasons 2-3 she starts writing the book about lucifer's therapy sessions and his life, given the book was on its completed first draft and we are shown it at least half way through at some point. and, if you dont know, writing a whole book (especially as long as linda's) takes a LONG time.
meaning, at any point in that time linda could've stepped back and thought: 'this is highly unethical and maybe I should at least get the permission of everyone who im using their private therapy sessions.' its a very simple yet, it couldve changed the whole direction of the book from being the simplified cliches of everyone to more realistic versions of the people.
linda takes advantage of lucifer while doing this, really, as when lucifer finds out about this book, he is thrilled. he is excited because it will be the first book to ever have an accurate representation of him.
And I think later, when everyone reads the book and finds out the contents are a really bad fanfiction of their lives, Lucifer is a bit disappointed. I mean, its supposed to be the first book to portray him in a light most accurate to him, and the book doesn't even end up doing that!
I also want to add that everyone gets mad at lucifer because of their portrayals in the book. When, in fact, they should've at least placed part of the blame on linda, the person who wrote the book. instead of taking literally every word of it to heart. (this post goes into it in more detail!)
Lucifer is, at times (a lot of the time), an unreliable narrator. Because he is made to always tell the truth, something that could be world-ending for Earth might not be important at all to him because x reason etc etc.
(example: the whole mira/rory thing - it didn't occur to him to mention to chloe that this supposed child of him is half angel because that genuinely wasnt important to him and didn't seem relevant to the occasion. chloe then gets pissy at him for this so the more you know)
I'm gonna say something that's pretty obvious but needs to be said: linda is not the group's therapist. of course, she is lucifer's highly unethical therapist. but she is not everyone elses. no one else is shown to have regular one on one sessions with her. apart from maybe ella & maze a couple times and the others are super rare.
her knowing and giving this guidance to her friends is really that. an act of their friendship that they trusted her to give good advice on how to deal with their obviously very stressful and traumatic lives.
then for her to turn around and write it into a book (probably turned book series given how long its said to be) which will be accessed but not only the general public, but also people outside of the know that close to them. like chloe's mother, ella's family, dan's parents etc etc.
that is a horrible thing. even if their families don't read the book, other people will.
imagine ella's distant cousin reads the books after it becomes popular for some reason, connects the dots. then suddenly ella's family are asking if she really had a serial killer for a boyfriend and can imagine the way a person dies perfectly from just seeing the scene and and and
dan is also very dead. at least legally dead. will dan's parents be contacted before the publishing of the book to ask for permission? probably not.
- (it would be funny to think if this is the downfall of the book. dan's parents suing this random stranger who claims to be their dead son's therapist for writing him in a book that hugely slanders and makes fun of him)
this will also affect their professional lives. all of sudden everyone they ever meet will have readily accessible detailed accounts of their lives for the past 5 years, their traumas, their ambitions everything about them at the fingertips of coworkers, employers, bosses, whatever.
even just a snippet of the book (it will most likely gain popularity with lucifer's reputation + the fact more that 50% of the cast for it will be cops) would be very insightful towards the point of view and personal information of everyone involved.
its a breach of privacy, a betrayal of trust and a destroyer to any lives the main cast could possibly lead after the publication. the storyline and concept sucks.
#anti dr linda martin#below the cut is a more detailed rant about the book linda writes and how shes really making some questionable decisions with this#lucifer netflix#anti chloe decker#anti deckerstar#lucifer morningstar#dan espinoza#ella lopez#dr linda martin#mazikeen smith#amenadiel#mazikeen#my post#bad therapists#rory morningstar#therapists in media#to clarify i have very limited information on therapist practises. more on the physical medic side of knowledge#hence: doctor ethics#1am posting#long post#rant#meta
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To build on what one of your previous asks said, I think the most unprofessional the whole team was is in was the episode with that angry guy, who they had to rescue multiple times and who ended up shooting into the ambulance. They all kept making comments about the guy at a time and place where he and his family could hear. Worse, they did it even though they knew they were being filmed. They clearly joked about the fatphobic viral videos about the guy while in the firehouse. Neither captains shut down that behaviour, Owen put up a token protest but then kind of seemed to join in. Owen went around giving the guy unsolicited mental-health advice. I mean, I'd understand if one of the paramedics had said something to the guy (after the rescue in private), but Owen does it without anything more than EMS certification and even before they get the guy unstuck.
I can't help but think that all of this played a very tiny role in adding on to the humiliation that man felt. Repeatedly humiliating a person with an anger problem when they can hear you seems like an obviously bad idea, let alone being humiliated over the wider internet. At the end of the episode, Owen says something about being proud of the conduct of the 126 on the field and I remember thinking, Really? You're all proud of all that? Discussing and laughing at a man's mental struggles publicly? Reveling in fatphobic behaviour?
Even the way Marjan tries to convince Owen to go back to therapy, it was done in such a confrontational way, I'm not surprised Owen reacted the way he did. He was not right, but her approach could have been so much better (and that falls under unprofessional behaviour too because he's her captain and she confronted him in the middle of a shift at their workplace).
That episode made me really re-evaluate the starry-eyed way I used to see the 126, to a point of almost disliking them for sometime.
You know what, it's been a long time since I've seen this episode and I feel like I only ever watched it once. I've seen the first two seasons a lot more than season 3 because they're on Disney and S3 isn't. So I don't completely remember all of this, although I vaguely remember that you're right, so many people were mocking him and humiliating him for the whole episode and the 126 was in on that. I think probably what Owen meant was he was proud of the way they handled themselves after the gun went off, not that he was proud of them for making fun of him. But either way you're right (if you're recapping it accurately which again I don't remember but I trust you). Mocking the people you're supposed to be helping is never okay and in a real-world scenario would probably have gotten all of them in trouble, as it should have.
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just because my brain is a lil mushy for writing-- and the mood to do this struck me-- imma piggy back off some earlier chatter with Jackie ( @akumanoken ) on that "list of voices that 'do things™'" just because--
Disclaimer before i start: For the VA entries here, reference points are going to be given via the characters i know them best as/who's performance best fits the sprit of this list-- These are also in no real order, mainly just whatever order i thought of names first lol
Morikawa Toshiyuki
{as Tsukinami Carla - Diabolik Lovers}
Okay so, Carla is slightly an outlier in this group-- seeing as I've never had the chance to play any of the game series he's from (and may not ever be able to, unless i find finished English patches and try to fuck around with that route--) But regardless of that, i've heard his voice via some videos online in the past-- and My God-- this man could end me. (and i should i get to play any game routes featuring him, imma probably die on the spot--)
Sakurai Takahiro
{as Mukami Ruki - Diabolik Lovers}
Again, i doubt i'll ever be able to play his routes in game, but-- i do believe at one point i watched the anime adaptation that was made for More Blood, and even if it was a train wreck (like the rest of the anime for this series lol) i can at least recall enjoying Ruki's VA out of all that mess XD {also, bonus mention for one of his characters songs here, as i just now heard this one today-- and rather enjoyed it u w u}
Daisuke Ono / J. Michael Tatum
{as Sebastian Michaelis - Kuroshitsuji}
I-- don't really have much to say on this point lol, aside from the fact that these men doing their voices for Sebastian 100% fit the spirit of this list XD (i'm also skipping giving a link here, because i'm sure anyone reading can go find an example of both VAs in this role very easily lol)
Morita Masakazu
{as Yanagi Aiji - Collar x Malice}
Yanagi sits in kind of an odd space honestly lol-- because on the one hand, i enjoy just listening to him-- thanks to "older brother/caring dad" sorta vibe he gives me... but at the same time, i can't deny that certain voice dips he does-- they do hit a lil different. {for a better show case of what i mean, check out this vid of his "interview" via the voice recorder extra-- tho i sadly couldn't find one with the eng sub}
Kimura Ryouhei
{as Shiraishi Kageyuki - Collar x Malice}
hhhh-- Shiraishi, my boi... i love this man-- and like, his voice wins a spot here because, much like with Micchan-- i'd lowkey die if i ended up as a target of the teasing he enjoys doing. {and the bonus voice recorder section for him as well--}
Suwabe Jun'ichi
{as Abraham Van Helsing - Code: Realize}
Van somewhat falls in line with Yanagi, as i find his voice rather soothing to listen to... and i admit, my frame of reference for them both is a little fuzzy--thanks to not having played either game for a while... But-- i do remember an extra story from the first C:R game, which gives us all sleepy voice Van, and just-- that one lowkey ended me.
Hirakawa Daisuke
{as Saint-Germain - Code: Realize}
{& Itsuki Mito - Secret xxx / Therapy Game}
listen-- just... listen-- Hirakawa earns his place here because as both bois, i could listen to this man talk for ages-- (much like the mentions below--) But-- thanks to certain scenes from the Secret xxx CD... i can not unhear this man doing spicy audio-- and that fact is forever going to end me. (and Itsuki doesn't get an example link, simply because i don't think i've got anything timmed from the CD he mainly features in--)
{Honorable mentions}
This section is for voices that I adore listening to, but, they don't quite fall into the same category as the above list-- More so just that type of mood where it's the "i could listen to you talk for ages" sort of vibe lol
Hirakawa Daisuke's performance as Laito Sakamaki {Diabolik Lovers}
Taniyama Kishou performance as Ikki {Amnesia VN Series}
#{|ooc post|}#this uh... i feel like i went too hard with this post after a while lol--#but-- i'm gonna throw it into the wilds anyway-- because why the hell not?? XD#and honestly-- i probably could've eaten at least three or four spots on this via just bois from the Diabolik Lovers cast--#but that felt like major cheating lol--#especially considering that most of them would've been thanks to the virtue of 'the noises these men make when biting'--#so imma resist that lol#and my og plan wasn't to make this list out of mainly japanese VAs-- or those from visual novels-- but uh--#if we tried going into singers-- then posting this would've taken me like three more days probably LOL
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september was not great folks, but we're trying <3
in the saddest realization of the season i discovered that my favorite part of the day is my 40m drive to work because it's chilly and i can see a lot of trees and the morning light and i also am in the perfect headspace to listen to Good Music and it's like when i used to make my morning playlists for opening the coffeeshop except soooo much more enjoyable
been listening to lots of holly humberstone and NF's new album and justin vernon stuff (bon iver, BRM, etc) and unfortunately gracie abrams - there's just something about all these artists being like "I AM THE PROBLEM ITS ME IM SORRY" that just speaks to me! that's not concerning at all!
laura and i talked for like two hours last night and it was like old times and god i really do miss when we'd just ride the same bus home and i could walk to her house ):
i've been trying to make taylor's chai cookies for like a week and i realized i absolutely have time to make them today so i'm trying to buck up the energy to do that in the next two hours before i have to be a person and go to a photoshoot
"good day" by olivia barton
i'm trying to get back into crying in h mart because mom finished reading it and we're supposedly buddy reading it so we can discuss it but i haven't felt like reading all month because i've been depressed...but like damn cancer sucks guys
in other news, i think because i've had such a shitty brain month this september i've almost pushed myself so far that halloween season sounds really fun!!! i'm trying to work through my halloween hate bc i think it's kind of silly and all my friends love halloween so i should love it too! and like i wanna watch spooky movies and be chilly and have FUN! god!
i kinda forgot a vital piece of jennalore which is that when i was a kid my mom's college roommate used to send us frosted sugar cookies shaped like bats every halloween and it was actually kinda the best thing ever? so i'm trying to channel that energy this season
work is batshit insane and i'm so exhausted by it i literally slept for 11hrs on like wednesday night bc i was so tired but also......when we're busy i always feel like i'm actually Doing Something and my bosses are so happy with the work i do so like.....it's good even though it's bad!
therapy has actually been really really good? like it Sucks bc it's therapy and i hate talking about my feelings but my therapist is the sweetest NB person ever and they're always just like "uhhh that's emotional abuse my dude!" and i'm so fucking excited bc at the end of october they're gonna have saturday openings which means i can finally go talk to them in person and not on my lunch break in our tiny break room!!!! at this point i have to pretend like my coworker can't hear everything i say during therapy otherwise i'd go insane so i always leave my sessions being like ......did max hear that i'm aroace and i have depression and i might be neurodivergent??? idk!!!
which speaking of, even though max and i definitely aren't like friends by any sense of the word....we are also just like having a time together! it's wild i see him most out of all the people i know but i think we're both going a little insane from the workload and being Depressed so we just spend all day being kinda wacky and for whatever reason i've reached a point where i stopped having a filter with him so i just start talking about the most random shit and he's cool with it lol
i think i might maybe be a little lonely! idk! i've been struggling to figure out what i need or who to talk to and i generally just want to talk to like two or three of my friends or my gc and everyone's just busy ): but then when i have the chance to talk to anyone and i Sit Down to try to interact bc i know some people are probably around i just get a little overwhelmed idk make it make sense!!!
and i realized i don't have a lot of IRL friends anymore bc a lot of the ones i had from the coffeeshop are Not My Friend and the ones i met on instagram are also Not My Friend and the ones i used to live with are Not My Friend and so my list of people to hang with is teeny tiny and idek what i need or want anymore so it's just my brain screaming .
the most frustrating thing rn is that i know i'm in a bad mental place however i cannot distinguish what i need! but when someone asks me what i need i get this intense panic/dread and i spiral real bad and if anyone tries to be kind to me it makes me feel worse and so it's like....i'm stuck in this stand still where i can't get what i need but i don't know what i need so i just eat cereal, listen to music, and go to bed early!!!
i don't wanna watch anything, i still haven't finished this season of only murders, i need a DVD player bc i want to watch the director's commentary of hill house, there's a bunch of shows and movies coming out soon that i feel overwhelmed by at the moment and it's just like !!! this is all so unfair
and i need to make all these appointments like getting my oil changed and going to the doctor for my annual but i cannot bring myself to do those things but also like should i ask my doctor about medication for depression??? surely it isn't that serious but like maybe it is idk!!!!
the depression isn't as bad as it's been in the past (i think?) like i felt a lot more hopeless in 2017 and i think a lot of that is because i do have a support system and a therapist and a good paying job and things to look forward to but like i'm very aware that many days i do just feel that feeling of "everything is meaningless and nothing will bring me joy ever again" so it's like !!! idk!!!! maybe i'm gaslighting myself into thinking i'm not that bad when in actuality i am!!!
i've just been stuck in that space of middle limbo with all my "diagnoses" that i cannot rationally understand if i'm allowing myself to see myself the way i am? like i always felt like i wasn't depressed enough to be Depressed bc i'm not suicidal but like ??? that's silly !!! maybe i am Depressed!!!!! but i don't even know how to go about getting meds and what they would do and it's almost more overwhelming to think about that than to just be depressed ): bc i still am convinced a lot of it comes down to the heat and the lingering effects of summer
but now i'm thinking about 2021 when it was the bad times and i stopped working on creative stuff or literally any year from 2017-2020 when i just spent the early fall Not Creating and having a crisis that i'd never create again and it's like.............is that bc i'm always depressed around this time? it's comforting bc i know life is seasons and i will come back around to making things and doing my silly projects but it's just sort of making me wonder how it would be different if i tried to find a way to get meds ....like would that Fix Me....would that Solve the Problem....what if it doesn't! what if i'm not depressed enough for that!
(this is all just thoughts, i'm fine, etc, just haven't let myself fully think about the depression this month bc i don't think there's a solution rn i'm just trying to get through it)
anyway, "good day" by olivia barton
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