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#and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i

crescentfool · 5 months

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with the year coming to a close, i hope that anyone who's reflecting about how the year went remembers to be kind and fair to themselves with how you evaluate the year as a whole.

i think there are definitely times when life throws things that are... Not So Great at you. whether if it's some external circumstance that surprised you, or maybe your mentality wasn't at it's best. i wish for anyone who's encountered those kinds of challenges to be able to triumph over them and be able to say that they got through it.

heck, it might still be a work in progress even though you've kept chipping away at it, and that's ok! the results will show themselves eventually as you work through it! and i hope that we can all remember to be patient with ourselves as we go through these processes (learning, healing, etc.), because damn, it can be frustrating when you feel like you're "not there yet."

knowing that life can be rough at times, i think it's unfair to yourself (and others) to discount and downplay any progress you've made this year- whether if it's something that you did for the first time, or maybe you came to a new understanding and insight that you didn't have in the previous year.

it's not to say that you should undermine the validity of your experience with hardship, but to take the time to remind yourself what makes life worth living. to recall what moments were the most satisfying to you- and use it to strengthen your resolve for the next year and beyond. no amount of hardship will ever take away from the fact that you deserve to have hope that things will get better.

i hope that looking back on the year, you don't leave out the things you cherish. that you can remember the good that came this year. whether if the small victories are things like meeting someone new, trying something out for the first time, or making some strides in a long-term project/obligation...!

i wish everyone a happy new year! may it be prosperous, and that your life can move in a direction that's close to what you want out of life. you're all going to do great! remember to congratulate yourself for what you did well! despite everything, you're still here, and that's wonderful. never forget that!

#lizzy speaks #hello everyone. i know that there are *checks calendar* still 20 days left of december and 2023 #but i've had a lot of strong emotions and feelings i've had to sort through as i've been thinking about how 2023 went for me #so a lot of what i've written here comes from the perspective of someone in their early 20s #it's like... a crash and burn from when you were a teenager thinking that you know everything #and realizing how big the world is and how many responsibilities there are #all while a feeling of overwhelm looms over as you try to sift your way through the world and adjust your understanding of it #for me i've definitely had an underlying thought that 'you should have your shit together by now why aren't you there yet'#and it's! not motivating! at all! to think that way. and it's made me more than ever want to be a friend to myself. to extend a patient-#kind voice to myself that reminds me that others are also trying to navigate these feelings and to accept that i'm not going to have an-#instantaneous understanding of how one goes about adulthood. and neither will they. even if they look 'put together.'#like... these people have also undergone similar stresses and along the way figured out how to navigate through that space #and personally i've found peace in knowing that there are people who are older than me. trusting that they've dealt with these things too i #some shape or form and that them living... being here.. is proof that we shall be fine in the end and that we will move past what plagues-#our mind. there's definitely been some... anger i've had this year that. school didnt teach me these things or skills!! i was so mad lol #but hey if we are little guys who are living on planet earth for the first time we shouldn't condemn ourselves to an unrealistic standard-#of going through life and being able to instantly do everything 'correctly' and know how everything works #i'm still working on improving that patience... and also trying to put in the work to understand these things.#in the midst of a very tough week for me i was tempted to say that 'nothing happened this year it was not productive'#but then i was like. that's. objectively not true if you just look at other things. also theres worth in life outside of 'productivity'#...i think i passed 20 tags at this point. but like. my favorite thing about 2023 was meeting so many cool awesome people!#who would've known that funny lil squid game could bring so many connections and friendships i cherish!#thank you so much! for being a part of my life and changing me for the better! for giving me many fond memories!#and i'm very grateful to anyone who supported me and my art this year... for sticking around even though i wished i could do more #it means the world to me knowing that there's proof that i exist and have touched someone's life in a positive way! thank you! truly!#ANYWAY. happy early new year. i hope everyone can nourish a friend in their head that extends acceptance and patience to themselves #as we try and make sense of the world together. there will be things that we don't understand yet! but one day we will! and it'll be like #wow! look how far i came! i'm okay! i'm alive! yipee! thank you for reading this post i made to get my feelings out! have a nice day!

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springseasonie · 10 months

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Overtime | KDY (M)

Ceo Doyoung x Secretary fem reader

Summary: You and Doyoung stay late at the office and have a long extensive conversation about life, work, and other things. Doyoung's life motto is never mix personal life with work, but his mini crush on his secretary becomes bigger than life all on this night.

Warnings: sexual content, age gap (legal!!! doyoung is older), oral (fem receiving), unprotected, pull out method, proofread (kinda, I'm tired)

Word count: 5,7k

Song recs: thinkin bout you by Katie

A/N: took longer than I expected with this one. I've been in a writing slump for the past week so I'm sorry if this sucks. The smutty words don't come out the same as they used to lmao. Feedback is loved and appreciated 🫶🏾

You would've never taken this job if you knew your boss would be this hot.

Applying for the secretary position at a world famous company was not in your plan after college, but it just happened. You especially didn't expect to get hired. Now you've been working for 2 years and can't say that you would choose anything else, especially when you get to work so close to eye candy every day.

Kim Doyoung. He's the youngest successful single man in Seoul at 38 years old. No, he's not old, but he is way older than you in most people's standards. You never really had a thing for older men, but when you met Doyoung, you could say opposites attract. You would always try and hide your staring, sometimes he would catch you. He knows he is handsome, he's been told many times, but you're the only person who has ever worked for him that has never kissed his ass no matter how attractive you found him. He enjoyed having you around, having someone who wasn't a yes man.

Instead of going home, you were sitting at your desk finishing something you should've some ages ago. You were a huge procrastinator and he knew this. At first, it was something he hated about you. All of his other secretaries were very punctual while you did things late. However, you were way more detailed in your work, way more careful with his needs and schedule so he let it go.

"Why do I do this to myself," you groaned. You finished the last couple of words on the screen, aggressively pushing the period key with a sigh. "And all done." Now all you had to do was print the paper and leave it on Doyoung's desk for the morning. You pressed the tiny print pop up, watching the machine pump the papers out the front. Once it was done, you stapled them together.

Standing, you walk from around your desk and towards Doyoung's office. The sound of your heels filled the silent dimly lit hall, making you hum in delight. Although you hated staying to work late, you couldn't deny the atmosphere of an empty office. How peaceful it was, how strangely free you felt. Reaching Doyoung's office you noticed the door was left slightly ajar.

"Weird," you say to yourself. "He always leaves it shut." You walk in looking at your feet not expecting to hear anything.

"Oh you're here too?"

You jump, startled at the voice of your boss, looking up as you looked at his figure being lit up by his lamp. Blinking rapidly trying to regain your composure, you clear your throat shaking off your very clean dress. "M-Mr. Kim you surprised me," you say, a relaxed attitude faltering.

Doyoung watched you straighten your back, chuckling to himself as he stood up from his desk. "Relax, you don't need to be so formal. It's just you and me here."

You try to loosen up a bit, but he makes you so nervous especially when you're alone with him. You find him to be very intimidating. From how he speaks to how he dresses to even his favorite foods - Doyoung is a super classy man, way different from you. You gulp, placing the papers on his desk. "Here is the report for all the departments from this week. There were some last minute changes so…yeah."

Doyoung picks up the packet, flipping through the pages as you stand there with your hands folded in front of you. The room was silent, just the sound of him flipping rh pages was heard. You were in his office often, but never this late. Your eyes shifted around the room, taking in your surroundings. It was a cozy space, city lights in the big windows, every shelf stacked with something work related or some random object.

Doyoung had a picture of his family on one of the bookshelves, a picture of himself in his early teens with his parents and older brother. He hates that picture, always saying it reminded him of his hard life growing up. Doyoung didn't talk about his personal life much, his number one rule for all his employees and himself being don't let work and life mix. But working so closely with him has made you learn things about him he'd rather no one know, like how many times his mother has tried to set him up with some pretty rich woman or how many times his father needs meetings to berate his son.

Doyoung puts the papers down without a word. You started to turn on your heels, about to leave when he speaks up.

"Could you…stay for a bit," he says in a deep voice echoing in the quiet room. "I won't keep you long, just want a bit of company that's all."

You turn around with an awkward smile on your lips, clearing your throat. "Yeah sure, I don't mind."

Doyoung stood up from his seat, giving you a full view of his messy image. Tie loosened, shirt a bit unbuttoned - he was so attractive it pained you. He walked to the window behind him, leaning on the glass as he stared out at the huge city below the both of you. "You don't have to stand all the way over there you know."

"Oh.. right." You walked over to him, standing a distance away as you looked out the window.

"It's pretty right," he said, glancing at you. "I love this view at night."

"Me too."

And right back to silence, but instead of it being stiff, it felt comfortable. Neither of you noticed the glances the both of you kept sneaking at each other. But for a while you stopped looking at him and just leaned on the window taking in the pretty scenery. Doyoung looked at you, tracing your face with his eyes. He always thought you were pretty, knowing that he would probably ask you out if you weren't working under him. He still thinks about the first day he met you. You were a complete mess, just graduated and working 2 jobs to keep yourself afloat at the time he interviewed you. It was obvious you lived off coffee, eye bags couldn't even be hidden under your makeup. Now you're doing good for yourself. You seem happier, less stressed, and have really grown into your age.

Doyoung hates how much older he is than you. Not many girls your age would be into someone near their 40s in his mind, so for a while including now he pushed the thought to the back of his mind.

"So," he finally spoke up. "How was your day?"

"Oh, uh, well," you laughed awkwardly. "It was okay. I did what I usually do."

"Sit there and drink coffee," he joked, making both of you laugh.

"I do…other things," you said between giggles. "How was your day?"

"You already know that information," he said, letting out a deep sigh. Doyoung had a hard day, dealing with unreasonable clients and frustrating employees. You know how stressed he is all the time and you feel bad for him.

You wanted to say something but you didn't. You had no idea what to say to make him feel a bit happier. You were only his secretary after all, there's not much you can say without crossing lines, but that's what he likes about you. Sometimes you were so oblivious as to what was acceptable to say and what wasn't. You never dared to overstep boundaries, but it just happened.

"Do you ever feel like there's something in your life that's missing," he asked suddenly.

You look over to him, his face hard in concentration as he stares at the city lights. "What do you mean?"

"Like…you're doing something not because you enjoy it, but because it keeps you alive," he explains. You and Doyoung feel the air around the both of you become heavy with the sudden change in topic. Doyoung never had these kinds of conversations with you in the 2 years you've been working with him. In fact, he's never vulnerable with anyone about anything, not even the people he considered close friends.

"Well," you started slowly. "I do feel that way."

He turns to you, watching how your eyes shine in the light. "Was it when you started working for me?"

You glanced at him, giving him a small laugh. "Do you want the honest answer?"

"I want whatever answer will help me through this dilemma,* he sighs, pushing his hair back.

"I know you don't know a lot about me." You begin to relax as you start talking, leaning on the window. "I wanted to be an artist for a while. I grew up drawing, painting, the whole lot of stuff. My parents thought it was just a hobby and they were right for a while because then I fell in love with writing."

"Is that why you got a journalism degree," he interrupted.

"Yeah…that's right," you laugh softly. "Did I tell you this story before?"

"No I just…" Doyoung stopped talking seeing your playful smile, heat flying to his ears making them red. You were so pretty to him, especially in this light. "Sorry, you can continue."

"It's okay," you chuckle softly. "Anyway, I loved telling stories and wrote things in private all the time, but storybooks weren't going to pay the bills so I had to take up informative writing. Fast forward to my third year and I start realizing how much I hate what I'm doing. My love for art comes back and I start drawing more than writing essays. That's when I realized I wanted to make comics."

Doyoung stands there with his arms crossed, trying so hard to pay attention to listen to you, but he couldn't get over how pretty your lips looked, How nice your voice sounded. His eyes traveled to your neck, his next thought immediately flying to how good you smell when you’re next to him. And your hands, goodness he loves your hands. They would brush against his sometimes, the thought of how soft they would feel on his-

"Mr. Kim?"

He blinked, head being pulled out of his inner thoughts by your voice. He couldn't believe he zoned out while you spoke. Doyoung gulped, realizing the kind of image his brain almost created. "Yes? I'm sorry I zoned out. I'm just a little tired."

You gave him a small laugh and understanding smiles, nodding at his words. "I understand, I'm tired too so I'll keep it short. Sometimes we will feel periods of emptiness in the things we do no matter if we love them or not. We just have to remember everything that makes it worth it, not matter what." You stopped talking when you felt Doyoung's eyes on you, boring into your soul.

"Do you feel like working here is worth it?"

There is a kind of tenderness in Doyoung's eyes that you don't get to see often. The last time you saw this look was when he was telling a memory of him and his brother when they were kids. "Yeah, I feel like it's worth it."

"Well I'm glad," he says, looking back out into the city. "For someone so young, I didn't expect you to have a lot of profound things to say."

"I'm not that young. And you aren't that old" you say, laughing at his expression. "Not to pry of course, but why do you feel like something is missing?" He remains quiet and his relaxed expression turns stern, a frown on his face almost immediately. You panicked thinking that you pushed too far past the line. "I'm sorry, you really don't have to answer Mr. Kim, I was just-"

"It's okay, you did nothing wrong," he said, trying to reassure you. "My mother makes me feel like a shit show because I'm not looking for anyone to marry."

You opened your mouth to speak, but stopped. This problem of his was completely beyond you. It's not a surprise that he's been avoiding his mother, their family issues all over the tabloids. you wish you could be some sort of support system for him, but you know you can't get that close to him.

"You don't have to say anything. I know you have nothing to say."

"Yeah, I'm sorry," you mumbled. "I know things have been rough with you and your mom these days."

Doyoung blinked and looked over to you. His lips parted, tongue darting out slowly against his lips, wetting them before speaking."You know you're the only person to talk to me like a regular guy?"

You whip your head to him, gulping at his words. "Oh, i must've gotten too comfortable Mr. Kim-"

"I like that you talk to me like a regular person," he chuckled.

You give him a soft laugh, shaking your head. The way doyoung looks at you makes you feel something you shouldn't feel for your boss. But his eyes are piercing, full of emotion and it makes you fall deeper into him. You didn't want to ruin the mood, but you would feel bad if you didn't tell him what happened earlier that day. "Mr. Kim….your mother called the office."

Doyoung sighed, running his face in his hand. "What did she say?"

"Something about," you started hesitantly. "You blocking her number, not going to events, not dating…"

"That old lady always has something to complain about," he sighed. "Thank you for telling me."

You nodded, pressing your lips into a thin line to keep silent. But sometimes you just speak and say things you probably shouldn't, because the way doyoung looks at you for your next sentence makes you want to crawl into a dark corner.

"Well, dating shouldn't be hard for you," you said.

He raised a brow, a smirk pulling on his lips slowly. "What do you mean?"

"W-well I mean you're…" you paused, eyeing him up and down awkwardly.

"I'm…?"

"You're you," you said a bit more enthusiastically than you wanted to. "Well what I wanted to say was that you're rich, handsome…."

"Is that it? Just rich and handsome," he joked, but you didn't take it as a joke. You already overstepped the boundaries multiple times in the last 30 minutes, this could probably be the only moment to save your job.

"N-no! You're funny and honest, fun to talk to. And even though you have this rough guy thing going on, I think you're a pretty soft guy," you said, lips moving 40 miles per hour.

He gave you a chuckle, one that sounded genuine and warm which surprised you. "Ms. Y/n, are you flirting with me right now?"

You blinked rapidly, shaking your head and hands silently as you panicked, making the male laugh. You said no, but he was secretly hoping that you were. He wanted to know if you were as attracted to him as he was to you. He couldn't help himself.

"You're not too bad yourself," he said, turning back to the window.

"Thank you…. you're too nice, but you don't really mean that."

"No, I'm serious," he continued. "You're cool and fun, not too serious but can be serious when you need to be."

Your face was beginning to get hot, fingers gittering at your sides. You couldn't even look at him, afraid you would probably go crazy. You really hoped he would stop talking, but he didn't. It stressed you out.

"Not to mention, you're beautiful."

You gave him a small laugh, trying to cover up the very obvious mental breakdown you were about to have. "Mr.Kim please-"

"You're beautiful. You have the best laugh and the prettiest smile." doyoung was slowly walking towards you, making your body stiffen as he came closer. His gaze was hungry, not able to suppress his desires for you any longer. It was terrible of him, he knew it, he was your boss and practically preying on you at the moment. He was doing something he hated, but he knew you wanted it too.

Doyoung was so close to you, body looking over yours as he stared down at your flustered face. "Mr.Kim-"

"Call me Doyoung."

"But I can't-"

"Yes you can." He spoke so quietly and softly, eyes flickering from yours to your lips. "I wanna hear you say it so I can say I love the way you say my name too."

You were quickly falling under whatever spell he was starting to put you under as he spoke. Your lids dropped, breathing heavily as his hands left his sides and made their way to your waist. "D-Doyoung," you said breathlessly, heart beating faster in his grasp.

He nodded slightly, a smile curling on his lips as he pulled your body closer to his, pressing his chest against yours. "Again."

You gulp, shaking your head as you remove his hands from your waist. "I…we can't do this. I-I'm your secretary."

"Secretary who I like very much." You make it so hard for him to not want to push your buttons a little more. Was doyoung really about to risk everything he built up just to kiss you? Yes, yes he was. Not one of his smartest decisions, but he trusted you. "I liked you for a very long time, you know."

"Really," you ask, brows scrunching slightly.

"Mhm." Doyoung put his hands back on your waist, the adoration in his eyes turning to lust. "I'm doing this against my better judgment, and you know how much I cherish my judgment."

Before you knew it, your eyes fluttered shut and you were the one kissing him instead. Your lips melted into his, hands moving to his shoulder as you pulled him closer. Doyoung kisses you back softly, moving his hands under your blazer squeezing your waist. He felt how raged your breathing was, your heartbeat speeding up as he fondled your body in his hands.

You pulled away, refusing to look at him. He knew you liked him as much as he liked you - it was obvious by the smirk on his face. It was only supposed to be a kiss and end there, but your mind drifted to a place it wasn't supposed to go.

"I need to go home," you said, letting out a sigh.

"No you don't," he protested softly. "I know you don't want to either."

"Mr. Kim-"

"Doyoung," he said. "I want you to call me by name."

"Doyoung," you started, making him smile. "What are you trying to do right now? I mean, we are attracted to each other but this.. what will people think?"

"People won't know unless we tell them," he says nonchalantly. "Besides, I own the entire building you're standing in right now. Whatever I say goes, and I'll never let anyone hurt you."

You looked up at him, worry still painting your face, but you nodded anyway. "Okay, I trust you."

"Good. You should always trust me." He cupped your face softly, kissing you deeply. You kissed him back, lips molding with his just like how you imagined. You wanted to take advantage of this moment while you had it, so you took your hands off his shoulders taking your blazer off. Letting the jacket fall to the floor, you reached back to Doyoung's chest, pulling his tie off him and placing it on his desk.

"I wanna take care of you," he said quietly. "Would you let me do that?"

"Yes." Your answer came out as a whisper as you unbuttoned the rest of his shirt. Doyoung watched you with a hazy expression. your concentrated desperate appearance was doing something to him, he just wanted to fuck you against the window make you cry out his name. He thought it was too cute how your hands were trembling as you unbuttoned his shirt. The only time he sees you this nervous is when he reprimands you for something you may do wrong.

Doyoung slowly starts to pull your tucked blouse out your pencil skirt, making your breath hitch in your throat. "Is this okay with you?"

You nod, removing your hands from his shirt to allow him to pull the fabric off of you. Doyoung marveled at your body. He felt guilty knowing how many times he's fantasized about this moment, the thought of touching you on his mind heavy sometimes. But the guilt went away when he made contact with your skin. Doyoung pulled you closer to him, kissing you as his hands slowly went up your body. He groped you not too roughly to make you flustered, but just enough to enjoy your small gasp. His hand squeezed and massaged your left breast.

"Should I take it off," you mumble as he plays with the lace on your bra. You wait for an answer, but his eyes and hand are too focused on the lace, the only thing going through his head was how pretty the color looked against your skin.

"No," he said, shaking his head. You watched him unbutton and unzip the side of your skirt, cock twitching his pants from excitement. "Let me help you relieve some of your stress from today. I wanna taste you Y/N."

"Can you," you said breathlessly, begging, making him smile too. He tugged your skirt down your legs, fabric bunching around your heels.

"Get on the desk." Doyoung watches you hop on his perfectly organized desk, spreading your legs almost immediately. Your eyes widened at how fast he dropped to the floor, his actions making you even more wet than before.

“I thought about this alot Mr. Kim,” you admitted, eyes glossed from how turned on you were. "I fucking dreamed about this."

"Oh yeah?" Doyoung's entire shirt was off by this point, the expensive fabric laying, somewhere on the floor. His soft hands made their way up your legs, leaning into your inner thighs. He kisses the soft spot of your thighs, making your body shudder sensitively. Doyoung hooked his fingers around your panties, tugging at them to pull the fabric off. You lifted your hips, allowing him to pull them down your legs and off your ankles swiftly.

Doyoung couldn't take his eyes off the sight between your legs. You were glistening, so wet it got on his desk. "Fuck.. you're so pretty baby."

"Don't stare." You started to close your legs, but doyoung forced them back apart, leaning into the closer. You could feel his heavy breathing on your wet core as he kissed your inner thighs.

"Don't get all shy on me now." He placed a soft kiss on your clit, eyes never leaving your face. You let out a soft sigh when he licked your core softly, collecting your arousal on his tongue. Doyoung licks at your clit softly, adding pressure with every other movement. He always thought about what you would sound like, if you were loud or silent, but your soft moans at the moment were prettier than ever. Doyoung sucked your clit softly, making you throw your head back slightly.

"You like that?" Doyoung did it again, smirking to himself when you scrunch your brows.

"Yeah," you sigh, nodding. Doyoung continues to eat you out, your hands tangling in his hair as he licks at you feverishly. His tongue flicked your clit fast, making you tug his hair a bit. "If you do that I'll cum fast," you moaned softly.

He chuckled softly, sucking your clit harshly right after.

"D-Doyoung oh my god," you whimpered, legs starting to come together. He swiftly pushed them apart, allowing you to tug his face closer to your core. Doyoung watched you with a hazy expression as you grinded on his face, hands gripping your thighs. He flattened his tongue against you, letting you grind your core. Your arousal was all over his mouth, his nose constantly nudging your clit every time you moved. Even in the dark in his office he could still see the look of absolute pleasure on your face, taking in the desperation to cum in your eyes and the way your hand trembled on the back of his head.

"I'm so close Doie," you whined softly, making the man below your chuckle softly.

"Doie?"

You paused, looking down at him with sudden alertness. "I'm sorry, if you don't like it, I-"

"No, I love it." He attached his mouth back to your core, sucking and licking at you. "I love it so fucking much."

You threw your head back, brows scrunching as the pleasure continued to build in your stomach. Your moans built higher in pitch, noises so loud the janitors on the floor below could probably hear you. Doyoung moans on your core, the vibrations on your clit driving you mad.

"Cum babygirl, cum for me."

You let go, cumming on his tongue, his lips, his face. Doyoung didn't let up though, still licking up all your release as your legs shook, trying to clamp around his head from the over stimulation. You whined loudly, the feeling of his nose nudging against your sensitive clit making you tear up. After a couple more seconds of overstimulation, Doyoung stopped, looking up at you with the most fucked out expression you've ever seen from anyone.

"Fuck," you laughed softly, "we can add head to list of things I like about you."

"Trust me I can do a lot more than just that." He rose to his feet, immediately pulling you closer to him in a heated kiss. You moaned softly, tasting yourself on his lips and tongue.

"Yeah?" You smiled against his lips, adding tongue into the kiss as you cupped his face softly. You gasp softly as you part your lips from his, looking down at his hand that was now between your legs, fingers rubbing your clit slowly.

"God you're so cute," he chuckled softly. "Cute face, cute tits, cute moans, cute pussy." His deep voice rang through your ears, adding pleasure already soaring through your body. Doyoung kissed your neck, nipping at the skin playfully as he sped up his fingers. He pulled your breast out of the fabric of your bra, enjoying the way you hid your face in his neck at your exposed state. "I'm gonna fuck this cute pussy. How does that sound?"

"Please fuck me," you whined breathlessly, brows furrowing as his mouth attached to your nipple. "I need you so bad, Doie."

Doyoung lifted himself off your body, watching you waste no time in trying to undo his belt. Your fingers fumbled, nails getting in the way of getting it off easily. Doyoung smiled to himself as you struggled, tears pricking the corners of your eyes in frustration. "Calm down, I'm not going anywhere, pretty girl," he said soothingly. He gently removed your hands from his belt, undoing it himself.

Your mouth watered, gulping as you watched him unzip his pants. Doyoung loved watching your reactions, purposely taking his time in front of your impatient disposition. He slowly pulled himself out his pants and boxers, his tip leaking precum as it hit his navel.

You jumped off the desk, running your hands down his chest as you kissed him deeply, biting his lip softly. "Need you to fuck me real good Mr. Kim," you mumbled against his lips.

"Bend over." You did as he said, holding your body up with your arms. You looked so cute to him, checking behind yourself to see when he was going to stretch you wide. You shook your hips, whining softly to him.

"Hurry," you whined. "Need you to fill me so bad."

He chuckled darkly, not bothering to grab a condom out of his wallet before he lined himself at your entrance. He rubbed his leaking tip against your clit, making you moan softly. "fuck."

"You're so wet Y/N," he muttered, marveling at the state between your legs.

"All for you." You wiggled your hips trying to create more friction, but Doyoung took the extra step of lining himself with your core. Doyoung pushed himself into you slowly with a low groan. You were almost immediately overtaken by pleasure, eyes rolling back at the feeling of him stretching you out. He thrusted into you slowly, holding your hips with a tight grip on them.

"You feel so good, shit." He kept thrusting in you, your soft moans and whimpers permeating the air around you. You hadn't even realized that you were bouncing back onto him at the same time until he stopped, wrapping a hand around your neck as he whispered in your ear. "Keep fucking yourself on my cock princess. You're doing such a good job, making your boss happy."

"Y-yes Doie, i'll make you happy," you said in a choked moan as he squeezed your neck.

"Good girl," he murmured. He let go of your neck, looking down to watch you desperately move against him. He smacked your ass firmly as you started going faster, making you halt your movements. "Did I tell you to go faster?"

"N-no," you whined softly.

He grabbed your hair, pulling it as he started fucking you slow. Deep slow strokes made you whine loudly, cunt fluttering around him. You needed to cum, you wanted to cum so badly. You need him to fuck you hard and fast, but the painfully slow pace he had going was driving you insane.

"Faster Doyoung. Please," you cried out, but all he did was let out a deep laugh.

"Pretty little thing," he mumbled. Doyoung began thrusting in you hard and fast, making your jaw drop in pleasure as you arched your back to feel him more. "You like having a older man's cock in you?"

"Yes yes, I love it Doie," you whimpered weakly. Suddenly he pulled out of you m, leaving you with the feeling of emptiness, but not for long. He turned you around, manhandling you as he lifted you by your hips, placing you on the desk. Doyoung forced you legs open, pushing himself back into you without warning.

"Fuck," he groaned through gritted teeth. Doyoung watched you, scanning your body as you laid on the desk. He lifted your legs, pushing them to your chest as he fucked you at the same pace as before. He loved the faces and noises you made, couldnt take his eyes off you. The both of you never thought you would have this much chemistry, but everything feels perfect. Doyoung is fucking you like he's been doing it for years already, your body melting into his perfectly.

You reached down, rubbing your clit to reach your high. "Keep touching yourself, just like that baby," he groaned. The grip he has on your legs got tighter as he kept going, feeling himself closer and closer to cumming.

"I'm gonna cum Doyoung," you panted, rubbing you clit harder.

Doyoung's brows furrowed at the sensation of you squeezing around him, moaning softly. "Cum baby, cum for me. Cum all over my cock." His words were jumbled, slurred from all the pleasure he was taking. Doyoung moaned loudly, the feeling of you squeezing and cumming on his cock shooting through his body. Your body tensed beneath his, legs shaking as you whimpered his name over and over while cumming hard. Your lips were suddenly captured with his as he leaned down kissing your messily.

"I'm gonna cum Y/N, shit," he said on your mouth. Doyoung kept thrusting in you, making your eyes roll back form the sensitivity.

"Oh my god," you cried. Doyoung's movements became more erratic as he came closer and closer. Soon enough, doyoung was pulling out of you, cumming on your stomach, some ropes of white shooting to your chest.

Nothing but the sounds of deep breathes filled the air, the smell of sex all over the room. Your eyes were closed, so you didn't see Doyoung looking at you as if he saw an angel. He let go of your legs, wrapping an arm around the small of your back as he weakly lifted you into a seated position.

"That was…"

"Something," he finished with a small laugh. You looked at him, giving him a small smile as you sat trying to catch your breath.

"It's pretty late now I bet," he said, brushing his damp bangs back. Doyoung looked at you, then at your very naked state, covered in his cum. "Fuck, I'm sorry."

You didn't say anything, just looked at him with a tired smile. "Thank you for not cumming inside me at least."

"Why? You don't want my kid," he joked, grabbing tissues off his shelf. Doyoung handed you some tissues, letting you clean your self off as he fixed himself up.

"I'm 24. I'm not ready for kids," you laughed. You paused, looking at him through your lashes as he fastened his belt. "But I am ready for a relationship."

He smiled picking up his shirt from the floor. "Yeah?"

"Mhm," you answered.

"Well…that can be arranged," he said, fingers fumbling with his buttons. You moved his hands, looking at him as you buttoned his shirt, smirk tugging at your lips. "But are you serious about this? You're young, and I don't want you to feel obligated because you work for me."

"I don't feel obligated at all," you said calmly, carefully getting off the desk, your heels clicking with the floor. "I always liked you, and it obvious you liked me too."

He leaned against the floor to ceiling window crossing his arms as he watched you dress. Your small glances were making his heart race, something that hasn't happened since he was a teenager. He walked up to you, grabbing your hips as he kissed you deep, biting your lip softly.

"How do you usually get homw," he asked as he pulled away.

"An Uber."

"I'm I'm taking you home tonight okay," he said, making you nod. "Is that okay with you?"

"Anything you do is okay with me." Doyoung kissed your forehead, smiling to himself.

He never thought of himself as much as a lover, but maybe you'll pull it out of him. And he would love to see you try. All the years of trying to keep personal life and work separate gone to waste, but was it worth it? Hopefully, yes.

#nct #nct u #nct fanfic #nct smut #nct x reader #nct oneshot #nct 127 #nct scenarios #nct doyoung #doyoung #doyoung fanfic #doyoung imagines #doyoung smut #doyoung oneshot #doyoung x reader

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wof-reworked · 3 months

Text

ok I can't stop thinking about the jade winglet, here's my gender hcs for all of them

Moonwatcher - she/they (nonbinary)

I feel like this is fun bc rn (in canon) her gender is just "anxiety" but like,,, one day in the future she gets to actually play around with it

like she captures a very specific type of person I've met who you go "oh I mean I know she's gay but she's probably cis..." and then you have like one real convo and find out they're like not only nonbinary but better at it then you

I think she should get to be butch when she's older. I think she deserves being a) massive compared to her two twink boyfriends and b) gnc as shit

Kinkajou- any/all (genderfluid +transfem)

Kinkajou strikes me as being like. totally ambivalent to gender. Kinkajou changes her pronouns based on how the fruit he ate for breakfast makes him feel. Kinkajou is better than you

I think she was like staunchly using she/her for a while bc it just felt right and like changes pronouns situationally- Rainwing village is she/her, Jade Academy is any/all, close friends it varies, etc etc

Qibli- he/they (transmasc)

Qibli's just always kind of known who he is, and has been like. pretty contentedly in his corner for a while. I think it's like- a pillar of stability for him of like "at least I know I'm (x)"

Proximity to Moonwatcher puts the they/them in there bc I think it's nice when ppl get more comfortable so they start branching out a lil bit :> Qibli has like. guy who says "he/they" because he doesn't mind they/them and wants his friends to feel supported y'know

Winter- he/him (cis + gnc)

Look I feel bad making him one of like. two cis ppl at JMA but like I think it's funny if he's cis but inflicts a status effect of gender envy on every trans person in his proximity

guy who does makeup flawlessly because "it's fun" and decimates your sense of identity as you wonder why the fuck god gave these gifts to a man

extra funny for the fact that as a dragonet he gets offended by the implication he's pretty. he gets over it eventually I think

Turtle- she/her or he/she/they (transwoman/trans)

See here. Otherwise I think she's like trans and this could go in like. any fucking direction ngl

transmasc turtle??? hell yeah !!! transfem turtle??? hell yeah !!! gender is whatever Turtle has going on and god knows if she knows it

last egg to crack bc Turtle is immune to self reflection that isn't anxiety and self loathing

"Haha everyone hates how other people refer to them and their gender what do you mean? :)" (entire jade winglet: cringing with worry)

Umber- he/him (cis)

cis and a lil insecure about it but like. he's just nice :)

he's like experimented with pronouns and gender and found none of them really stuck so like. cis+. cis (extended dlc). you know what I mean I hope

gonna be honest I'm lost for him bc I genuinely forget he was there bc he peaced out so fast. justice for my boy I want to know more !!!!!

I could be persuaded for transman Umber ngl,,, it tempts me,,,,,,

Peril- she/her (trans woman)

On one hand I'm torn bc I think it almost doesn't make sense for her backstory BUT ON THE OTHER HAND the idea of Scarlet being supportive of Peril's identity and LITERALLY NOTHING ELSE is hysterical to me

though actually if we wanna get sad,,,, that 100% could be a manipulation tactic of Scarlet. "see I love you I even accept you" etc etc. now I just feel bad man

Peril's also in the same camp of Qibli of knowing this abt herself since she could think and being happy in it. She knows what she's about

BONUS:

Carnelian- she/they/he (transmasc)

Look butch can be a gender and sometimes you're a mean butch skywing idk what to tell you

wish she stayed alive bc her and Moon could've been legendary together. girl who will kill for you vs girl who desperately wants you to do anything else please we talked about this you can't solve your problems with murder

I think Carnelian's true gender is Skywing Patriot and idk how to put that in hc form but this is as best I've got

#wings of fire #wof headcanons #wof reworked #this is canon 2 me so it goes in the tag ok #qibli wof #winter wof #moonwatcher wof #turtle wof #kinkajou wof #peril wof #carnelian wof #umber wof

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avatarrecom · 7 months

Text

Sorry that I hit you, I actually love you

Pairing: Poly!recoms x Avatar!reader

Word count: 6.5k

A/N: This is the longest I've ever written lol. This story is sort of a little gift to @whxre-bxby, because I absolutely love their writing and it inspired me to write this story. I also totally did not want to write an enemies to lovers because I wanted to use the tag #foes to bro's to hoes.

There's one reason you came to Pandora. Only one simple reason. To make the people responsible for your brother's death pay. All you have is his name, the name of the man who killed your brother by ordering his helicopter to be shot down. Miles Quaritch. You will break him and everyone he cares about. You don't know how, but you will. get. revenge.

Your brother, Timmy, may he rest in peace, was fourteen years older than you and raised you from the moment you took your first breath. Your parents were even more useless than water was useless to a dead plant. Day in and day out, they were more concerned with getting high than with the two children they forgot they had. When you were four, your brother managed to become your guardian. You moved into the shitty little apartment that was the only one he could afford. Your brother insisted that you get the only bedroom. “Little girls need their own room, Butterfly,” he said before turning the old sagging couch into something that would resemble a bed.

The next few years consisted of school for you, a nine to five job for your brother and evening classes on top of that. After six years, your brother had completed his mechanical engineering degree. Shortly afterwards he told you that he had been offered a military engineer and helicopter pilot position by the RDA. But, for this he would have to go to Pandora. He told you that if he did this he would go to Pandora, his salary would be sent to you and the RDA would get you a caregiver.

And so, when you were only ten years old, he pressed a kiss to the tip of your nose, and left for Pandora. He left you in the care of a wonderful old woman, Helen, who helped you follow your dream of becoming an Avatar Driver. But after less than half a year, you received news that your brother was dead. According to the RDA report, your brother betrayed his own race by helping his fellow pilot, Trudy, free prisoners and fight the RDA. You were devastated. Your only family was gone. The RDA tried to send you to an orphanage. But Helen refused to let you go. Finally, the RDA gave up and let you stay with her. You still followed your dream of becoming an Avatar driver.

Now, sixteen years after your brother's death, you have finally arrived on Pandora.

And oh man, was it a shock when you arrived and found out you were joining the squad of the man who killed your brother. You didn't expect it to be this easy. You were supposed to meet him and his squad in your Avatar body. By now you were used to being ten feet tall, having a tail and having better hearing, sight and smell.

After changing into cargo shorts and a sports bra, you make your way to the 'Recombinant' quarters. You will find your new squad in the gym, training. You immediately spot the person you are here for. Miles Quaritch. He lies on his back on a bench and pushes the heavy weights above him. A bald man stands by his head, hands ready to take over the weights if it gets too heavy. Your gaze shifts to the other blue bodies and everyone is focused on their exercises. You see a woman with corn braids and a headband curling a dumbbell while she talks to a woman with a mohawk who is doing push-ups. To your right, you see a man wearing a bandana sparring with a man covered in tattoos. In the corner of the room, three men are doing pull-ups on the bars hanging between the walls. And finally a man wearing sunglasses 'who the hell wears sunglasses indoors' is running on a treadmill.

No one notices you because of the loud music coming from the speakers, so you knock loudly on the door behind you. Several eyes shoot your way. You feel uncomfortable with all the attention on you. "And who might you be," purrs Quaritch with a nasty grin. “Y/N,” you answer, trying not to lose your temper. Nothing could have prepared you to come face to face with your brother's killer.

Quaritch's eyes widen in realization. "You're the new addition to the squad." You nod stiffly and clasp your hands behind your back. The bald man lets out a loud laugh. "Relax, beautiful, we don't bite." The woman with the dumbbell hits him on the head and says something about men and testosterone to the other woman, who laughs in response.

Quaritch walks towards you, his posture commanding respect and obedience. "Colonel Miles Quaritch," he holds out his hand, "Pleasure to have you." You force a bitter smile and shake his hand. “I wish I could say the same.” You see everyone looking at you in shock. You give them an icy look.

Quaritch's stupid grin only widens as he takes you in. "I see, you're one of those." “One of those what,” you snap. "It doesn't matter, we'll break that behavior out of you." He steps aside and you roll your eyes so he doesn't see it. “So Y/N, meet the squad,” He gestures to the others. "The bald one is my second, Corporal Lyle Wainfleet." Lyle and the two women look at you with an almost disgusted look. "The two ladies are Walker and Z-dog."

Quaritch gestured to the men sparring before your entrance, “That's Prager and Lopez.” Bandana looks at you suspiciously and the tattooed one looks at you with a feral grin that makes him look like one of those hyenas from the Lion King. “Brown, Ja and Fike are at the bars and that's Mansk,” Quaritch finishes. "Come on guys, meet our new victim."

Quaritch gestured to the men sparring before your entrance, “That's Prager and Lopez.” One looks suspiciously and the other looks at you with a feral grin that makes him look like one of those hyenas from the Lion King. “Brown, Ja and Fike are at the bars and that's Mansk,” Quaritch finishes. "Come on guys, meet our new victim." With that he walks out of the gym. You stare hatefully at his retreating back. When he's out of sight and you turn your attention back to the rest of your squad, you see them staring at you with equal hatred.

“So,” Lyle begins, “what the hell is your problem.” “That ain't your damn business,” you reply. Lyle grins at his friends. “Women shouldn't curse,” says the tattooed man with a shit-eating grin. You roll your eyes, “Get fucked.” He blinks in surprise, but doesn't answer. You turn your back to the group and walk out of the gym.

The next few weeks were absolute hell for you. You were trained as a medic in addition to your Avatar training. You had absolutely no experience in hand to hand combat and weapons. It didn't help that your squad took pleasure in seeing you suffer. Quaritch forced you to do five hundred push-ups every morning, to run for at least an hour, and many other exercises that completely exhausted you. In the afternoon the squad would take you around and kick your ass in hand-to-hand combat. After a few days you were already covered in bruises. You already had a bruised ankle and you had muscle pain in muscles you didn't even know existed.

And of course the favorite passage of time outside of training was to make your life miserable. You lost count of how many times they 'accidentally' slammed you into the wall, how many times they 'accidentally' stepped on your tail and 'accidentally' stepped on your ankles, especially your bruised ankle. They threw the most uncreative insults at you. You simply ignored them and continued to perfect your revenge plan.

About three months after you met and three months of absolute hell, you walked to the cafeteria in your 'human body'. You were so deep in thought that you didn't realize you were bumping into someone. To be specific, a ten foot tall and blue, someone. “Oh shit, sorry,” you heard someone say as a blue hand held your arm so you could regain your balance. You look up and see that Brown was holding your arm. He tilts his head and looks at you confused. "Have we met yet? You look familiar, beautiful." Your other tormentors watch you with interest, you shiver as they sweep their gazes over your body, and you don't shiver in a good way, the way that makes you feel the heat in your core. "Wait, I know you, you're the girl of my dreams!"

You jerk your arm from his grip and scoff, “that's funny, because this feels like my nightmare.” Immediately the eyes of the blue creatures in front of you darken. “Wait, Y/N?!” Walker says in surprise. You roll your eyes and nod. Everyone's eyes widen in shock. Just as you're about to walk away, you hear Lyle, "Y/N, wait." Normally you would have just kept walking, but something in his voice catches your attention. You sigh and turn back to the Recoms, who are studying you in shock. “What,” you snap.

"Timmy was your brother," Z-dog says breathlessly. You detect a slight tremor in her voice, but pay it no mind as the rage takes over your body. “Don't say his name,” you snarl between clenched teeth. “Don't you dare ever say his name,” everything you're feeling right now is the most intense you've ever felt. Your anger is mixed with grief and sadness. You don't even realize that tears are streaming down your face. "He is dead!" you shout, unable to keep your pent-up emotions in check. "And it's all your fault!" "What's going on here," you hear an angry voice command.

In your anger you turn to the colonel, who stops slightly in his steps, thrown off by the angry tears on your face. You vaguely hear someone in the background saying that Timmy was your brother. "DON'T SAY HIS NAME!" you roar. “HE IS DEAD, HE WAS MY ONLY FAMILY, THE ONLY ONE WHO CARED ABOUT ME AND HE IS DEAD BECAUSE OF YOU!” You break more and more with every word.

Before anyone can say anything else, you storm off. Luckily no one comes after you. After rushing into your room, you collapse against the wall, exhausted. You shouldn't have gone to the cafeteria in your human body. You should have stayed in your Avatar body, then they would never have realized who you really were. Shit, if you take revenge now, they'll immediately suspect you after your public emotional explosion in the hallway. You drop your head into your hands and sigh. Then you fall asleep on the floor, completely exhausted from the recent events.

When you wake up, you are determined to continue with your plan. It doesn't matter if they actually knew your brother personally, he was your brother and he's dead because of them.

You manage to avoid your squad for a few days. You skip the daily training and don't answer when one of them comes knocking on your door. That surprises you, you expected them to be happy to be rid of you temporarily. But then again, they probably have Quaritch's orders to convince you to act like nothing's wrong. They would probably be in trouble if the bigwigs found out that they were the ones who kept damaging your Avatar body.

After about a week you appeared back in the gym in your Avatar body. The Recoms look at you without the usual hatred in their eyes. “Y/N, how nice that you're joining us, not so nice that you're a week late,” Quaritch speaks and he too looks at you without the usual hatred. You roll your eyes, “Come on, who wants to go first,” you challenge, eager to let your energy out, preferably on something that could hurt the Recoms.

Brown steps forward. You wrap your hands and walk to the mat, Brown on your heels. When Quaritch gives the signal that you can start, you jump into action. You deliver several quick punches to Brown’s vulnerable spots. Normally he would have already blocked them and thrown you onto your back, pressing his weight on your throat with his knee. Normally he wouldn't remove his knee, even if, according to the rules, you tapped the mat three times because you couldn't breathe. Normally he would only remove his knee from your throat when you almost faint from the lack of oxygen.

But this time it's different. He lets you hit him, does the minimum to block you. This only makes you angry. "Come on, fight back!" you shout. He doesn't show that he heard you, he just keeps avoiding you and doesn't do anything to fight back. "Come on! Do something!" you shout again.

Your emotions completely overwhelm you, you don't understand anything anymore. At first they looked at you with hatred and did their best to make your life a living hell, which isn't that strange since you were a bitch. Then they find out who your brother was and suddenly they look at you with sadness and pity and they are reserved, as if they didn't want to torment you anymore. As if the fact that Timmy was your brother suddenly changed everything.

With every punch you get angrier and angrier. Suddenly you see red and you snap. You get so angry that you grab Brown by the base of his queue, pull him down and slam your knee into his face. You feel his nose break and you faintly hear Quaritch yelling in the background for you to stop. It's like you're underwater, everything is muffled and you can't stop. You hit harder and harder. Brown leans on his knees and tries to block you as much as possible while also trying to stop his bleeding nose.

You feel someone wrap their arms around your waist and pull you away from Brown. You continue to fight and struggle to get out of the grip on your waist. Ja is seen kneeling in front of Brown and taking off his t-shirt to gently press it against his nose, hoping to slow the bleeding. The person with his arms around your waist roughly throws you to the ground, you land wrongly on your newly healed ankle and fall to the ground. You hold your ankle with your jaw clenched.

“What the fuck do you think you're doing?!” Quaritch sneers. Before you can answer he continues, his voice louder with each word. "Stop your pathetic crying and get out of my sight!" You rub your cheeks and find that they are damp, you didn't even realize you were crying. You carefully stand up, careful not to put too much weight on your probably bruised ankle again. You look at the others and see that they are looking at you with anger and sadness. Just before you walk out the door you hear Quaritch coldly say, "If you know what's good for you, you won't come back until I say so." With one last look at the bleeding Brown, you walk out the door.

You stumble back to the Avatar's quarters and you sink onto your Avatar's bed and close your eyes. When you open your eyes again, you are lying in the link bed. The moment the bed opens, you quickly get up and forget about your bruised ankle. For the second time today your ankle collapses. The scientists look at you, but do nothing to help you. You manage to pull yourself up and limp out of the lab. Every scientist you walk past looks at you with disgust.

The nerds refuse to help you. After yet another injury, they gave up and left you to your fate. "Good," you think bitterly, "I don't need those know-it-alls, I can take care of myself." But deep down you know that's not true, right now you need your brother more than you ever needed him after he passed away.

You manage to avoid the busy hallways, limping to your room. The moment the door closes behind you you start screaming. You blindly grab the first object you feel, your favorite mug, and throw it across the room against the wall. Then you throw the next object, the book you were reading. You almost destroy your entire room and you keep screaming until your throat is so raw that no sound comes out. You don't even realize how much time has passed.

You grab another object and want to throw it against the wall when you see what it is. A photo frame with a photo of you and your brother. God, you seemed so happy then, together in your own little world. You hug the picture frame close to your chest and sink along the wall to the floor, crying. All the grief you have built up in you over the past few years is finally coming out.

It's already dark outside when your door opens. You start telling whoever it is to fuck off, but no sound comes out of your throat. You're so tired and in so much pain that you don't have the energy to do anything about the unwanted person who comes into your room. All you can do is stare blankly into space as the tears continue to flow.

You faintly hear footsteps in your room and out of the corner of your eye you see a large blue figure crouching on the floor next to you. You feel yourself being pulled into someone's blue arms, but you don't have the energy to protest, you barely have the energy to move your eyes. The blue arms gently lay you down on your bed. Through your blurred eyes you vaguely recognize Yes. Past him you'll see Walker and Mansk trying to salvage some of your destroyed room. Then Lopez walks in, pausing in shock when he sees the state of your room. His eyes land on Ja and your exhausted form. He approaches the two of you carefully and hands Ja a white box with a red cross.

You vaguely realize that Ja is putting ice on your ankle, that he is using an alcohol wipe to clean the wounds that you didn't even realize you had. He grabs a pair of tweezers and starts removing the pieces of glass from your wounds. You feel so numb that you don't even feel the pain. The mattress moves and you see Prager sit on the edge of your bed.

He waits until Ja has cleaned and bandaged your hands before handing you a steaming mug. "It's chamomile tea with honey. It's soothing and will help with your sore throat." When you don't respond and just stare blankly at him, he puts the mug on the nightstand next to your bed.

You don't react yet until you see Ja with a syringe in his hands. You start to struggle and try to scream, but only a rasp comes from your throat. "Hey, hey, calm down." Ja holds his hands up. You curl up on your bed in the corner of your room, wide-eyed, shaking and ignoring the blood through the bandages. “Hey, read the name of the drug,” Ja says calmly and holds the bottle out to you. You relax slightly when you see that it is a sedative.

Yes, he brings the syringe with the drug to your arm and if you don't protest, he pushes the needle into your arm and allows the drug to flow into your system. Your eyes become heavy and you fall into a dreamless sleep.

When you wake up again it is still dark outside. You roll your head to the side and see part of your squad, or it's probably your old squad by now, sitting in various places on the floor in your room. A painful, rough growl erupts from your throat as you feel blades shooting through your skull with the movement of your head. Immediately seven heads shoot towards your weak form.

"Hey, how are you feeling?" you hear Ja ask softly. You try to answer, but your throat is so dry that no words come out. Prager offers you the still steaming cup of tea, you sit up a little and take it gratefully. The first sip immediately soothes your sore throat. You look at Ja and say a soft "Okay." Ja sighs in relief and runs a tired hand through his hair.

"What time is it?" you ask softly. Prager looks at his watch, "zero three hundred." ‘Did I sleep that short?’ you think to yourself 'I feel like I've been hibernating.' Prager sees your questioning look and informs you that your training session and outburst was the day before yesterday and that you slept for over twenty-four hours. In the meantime, Ja has taken care of all your injuries, both your bruised ankle, which was completely swollen and blue because you didn't treat it right away and put too much strain on it during your outburst, and all the wounds from broken glass. Apparently you sat with your thigh in a pile of glass, which is how you got a large wound on your leg.

Z-dog, Walker, Mansk, Fike and Lopez cleaned up your room as much as possible and they even had to scrub blood from the floor, walls and furniture. They threw away all the broken items and even replaced some broken items. On the small counter you see your favorite mug, the one that was the first thing you broke. Lopez says that he and Fike did their best to glue it together as best they could, but it's not how it once was.

Apparently Prager didn't help clean up and just sat by your bed. He only got up to make you a new cup of chamomile tea with honey every time the tea started to get lukewarm, so that when you woke up you could immediately drink the warm tea if you wanted. According to Walker, he made dozens of cups of tea.

There is an awkward silence. “We have something to tell you,” Prager begins. The others move closer until they sit in a semicircle around your bed. You look at them questioningly and suspiciously. “We knew your brother,” Fike mutters under his breath. Lopez jabs him hard in the side and tells him to shut up. You try to sit upright as much as possible. "What?" you rasp.

Walker reaches out to you, as if to reassure you, but her hand stops in mid-air. Finally, she places her hand next to you on the bed, palm up, as if offering for you to take her hand if you want, if you need it. "It's true, we knew him," she says softly, "we knew him one day..." she trails off a bit and looks at the others uncertainly. “We knew him on a very, very personal level,” Ja continued.

You look at everyone in confusion. The Recoms see your confused look, but don't know how to respond. "We loved him," Ja said uncertainly. Your eyes start to water again, but you wipe them away roughly, you've cried enough. “What do you mean, you guys loved him,” you demand. Yes sigh, "we met him when he arrived on Pandora, he joined our squad as an engineer and Marine." You feel a pressure in your chest and you realize that you have replaced your brother in the squad.

"It didn't take long for us all to fall in love with him," Prager explains further and the others nod in agreement, "Miles, Lyle and Brown too." "He chose to go with Jake Sully to warn the Na'vi." Your emotions rise higher and higher, not only yours, also those of the Recoms. "We didn't know he was in the helicopter with Trudy, we really didn't know, otherwise Miles would never have given the order to shoot down the helicopter." You risk a look at the blue aliens and see the grief and sadness in their eyes and realize that they really loved him.

"Can you please leave me alone for a moment?" you whisper softly. The Recoms look at each other uncertainly, but decide to leave you alone. Mansk and Walker will stand outside your door so that in case you have another emotional breakdown, they will hear and they can help you.

As soon as you are alone, you start to cry softly again. And instead of having an emotional breakdown, you curl up in a ball on the corner of your bed and cry quietly so no one can hear. You are still so exhausted by all the emotions that you soon fall asleep again.

When you wake up again, you see that it is now daytime again. You stand up, careful not to step on your bruised ankle, and you hop to the sink. In the mirror you see that your eyes are red and swollen from crying. You also have a large cut on from the bottom of your jaw to the side of your nose, right under your eye. You look like complete shit.

You struggle out of your clothes and stop when you see all the wounds on your naked body. You didn't realize it was that serious. You carefully put on clean clothes. As you carefully hop out the door, you see Mansk and Walker still standing outside the door. They ignore all the confused looks from those passing by and focus their attention on you. They look at you with concern and mild concern.

"The colonel asked if we would take you to the Recom quarters when you were awake," Mansk informs, his voice, as always, devoid of emotion. You nod doubtfully and expect him to tell you that he is sending you back to earth. Mansk and Walker walk quickly in front of you, not realizing that you can't keep up with their bruised ankle and their long legs. Walker quickly realizes that you are a long way behind them and lightly hits Mansk on the arm, signaling that you cannot walk fast. The female Recom walks back to you to offer her support if you need it, while Mansk waits patiently for you to catch up.

The two slowly guide you to their living quarters. When you finally stagger into their living room, you see the rest of the squad sitting tensely in various places around the room. Your gaze shifts to Brown, who is lying on the couch with his swollen nose in bandages. You immediately feel guilty, you shouldn't have taken out your anger and all your other pent-up emotions on him.

You hear someone clear their throat and look up at Quaritch, who is staring at you intensely. You had never been in such a tense situation in your human body around the Recoms before, they only make you feel smaller. Quaritch sighs tiredly and gestures for you to sit on the couch, after a struggle and help from Walker you finally sit on the couch.

Quaritch sits across from you, resting his elbows on his knees. "What they told you is true," he begins, "we really loved your brother and we miss him every day. If I…" he trails off. "If I had known he was in that helicopter, I would never have given the order," he looks genuinely remorseful. “Here,” Lyle says, holding out a piece of photo to you. The photo shows the Recoms, in their deceased human bodies, and in the center, with Lyle's lips on his left cheek, Brown's on his right, and Lopez with his hyena grin hanging over his head, is your brother. He has the widest and happiest smile you have ever seen on his face. You don't know why, but suddenly you're sure he loved them, you believe the Recoms. Your brother was always an excellent judge of character and if he loved them too, as you see in the photo, you believe he was happy with them.

You give the photo back to Lyle and he offers you another photo. Another photo of your brother, this time he is sitting in the pilot seat of a helicopter with a toothy, silly grin. You smile sadly at the photo and hand it back to Lyle. He shakes his head, "keep the photo, we have several copies."

“We should never have treated you this way,” Quaritch says firmly. "We didn't know Timmy was your brother and I know it's not an excuse, but I'm sure we would have been different if we had known." You laugh softly and see the confused, slightly offended look in their eyes. "I was a bitch to you and besides, I came here planning to kill you all as revenge for what you did to my brother." You take in the shocked looks, slightly enjoying it. "I don't think I'll do it again, Timmy wouldn't want to."

“You know,” Lyle begins, “Your brother told us all about you, he loved you so much and he was so proud of you.” You smile sadly. "I know." "He also said he always called you butterfly, why was that?" Walker asks. "Our parents always called me an ugly duckling, so my brother started calling me butterfly, because a caterpillar blossoms into a beautiful butterfly." It was always your most favorite nickname anyone had ever given you. “And as a kid I was always hyper and he said I was always fluttering around like a butterfly.”

You suddenly frown and turn your attention to Brown. "I'm sorry, I should never have lost my temper to the extent that I hurt you." Brown looks at you in surprise. "Seriously?" he asks angrily and you recoil. "We have tormented you for weeks, months and you apologize to me?!" he asks incredulously. "And besides, I deserved it, I think we all deserve a broken nose, probably worse."

"Absolutely not, I don't want to deal with nine broken noses plus my own, we will pay for our actions in another way." Protested Yes. Brown pouts, "but if my nose heals wrong, at least I'm not the only one with an ugly, crooked nose." You smile and feel yourself relax slightly.

The following hours and then even weeks consist of exchanging stories about Timmy. Sometimes you laugh, like your story about his baking attempt for your eighth birthday that resulted in a cake literally exploding. And sometimes you cry, like their story about how he curled up next to them at movie night, just like you always did with him.

In addition, every Recoms continues to apologize every day. Ja personally sees to it that you heal completely, while he also has to listen to Brown's whining about his nose.

You slowly warm up to the Recoms, seeing and appreciating their efforts to earn your forgiveness. But after a few weeks you also start to feel things that you don't know how to feel. Every time Ja gently holds your chin in his hand to tend to the cut on your face, you feel his touch long after he lets you go. Every time Walker deliberately walks next to you to offer you support when you need it, you can't stop blushing.

It feels wrong, falling for your dead brother's lovers. It feels wrong, but also so good. You have decided to ignore your feelings, you have convinced yourself that they will go away on their own. But you didn't know that the Recoms feel the same way. Not because you are part of your brother, but because you are simply a wonderful person.

About five months after your breakdown, you and the squad are on a mission in the Hallelujah Mountains when you are suddenly attacked by several Thanators. You scatter in different directions, hoping to get rid of the Thanators with minimal casualties. You run with Prager and Z-dog through the thick jungle, fleeing from the two Thanators who are chasing you. The three of you don't have much luck when you stumble upon atop a waterfall on the edge of a high cliff.

You look around in panic, looking for a way out as the Thanators get closer and closer. "We have to jump!" Z-dog shouts. "WHAT?!" you shout back. "JUMP!" she shouts again as she grabs your hand and pulls you off the cliff. You scream all the way down to the lake at the bottom of the waterfall. Fortunately, the Thanators do not follow.

When you finally manage to get to the beach at the edge of the lake, you see Prager lying on his back in the sand, chest heaving. “Prager, are you okay?” you ask worriedly, slipping into the role of medic. Prager gives a tired thumbs up, "Let's never do that again." You hear sputtering behind you and see Z-dog walking onto the beach, her mohawk hanging wet in her face with a pissed off expression.

The two of you plop down on the sand next to Prager and let your clothes dry in the sun. After a while you hear sounds in the jungle, sounds that are getting closer. Prager and Z-dog are immediately in a crouching position. Prager pushes you behind him as he and Z-dog point their guns in the direction the sounds are coming from. "You don't think the Thanators found us, do you?" you ask nervously.

Then the rest of the squad bursts onto the mini beach. Quaritch sighs in relief when he sees the three of you. “Thank god, I thought something had happened to you guys when you didn't come back,” he studies you carefully, “why are you guys so wet?” Z-dog explains what happened and the rest look at you in shock. Quaritch walks over to you and gently takes your chin in his hands. "Are you OK?" he asks worriedly. You nod reassuringly. Quaritch sighs in relief and rests his forehead against yours.

“Thank god, I was worried about you my love,” you look up abruptly when you hear the nickname. Quaritch himself seems shocked at what he called you. You see the rest of the Recoms with the same look, until Fike breaks the silence, "why are we surprised, we all already knew we fell for her?" Lopez sighs in annoyance, "Yes, but she didn't know that."

"You guys fell for me?" you ask in shock. Quaritch rubs his neck uncomfortably. “Yes, we know it's weird because of your brother, but we can't help it.” "And the biology of the Na'vi is different, we can't control ourselves if we find someone attractive." Ja explains.

In addition, every Recoms continues to apologize every day. Ja personally sees to it that you heal completely, while he also has to listen to Brown's whining about his nose.

About five months after your collapse, you and the squad are on a mission in the Hallelujah Mountains when you are suddenly attacked by several Thanators. You scatter in different directions, hoping to get rid of the Thanators with minimal casualties. You run with Prager and Z-dog through the thick jungle, fleeing from the two Thanators who are chasing you. The three of you don't have much luck when you stumble upon atop a waterfall on the edge of a high cliff.

You look around in panic, looking for a way out as the Thanators get closer and closer. "We have to jump!" Z-dog shouts. "WHAT?!" you shout back. "TO JUMP!" she shouts again as she grabs your hand and pulls you off the cliff. You scream all the way down to the lake at the bottom of the waterfall. Fortunately, the Thanators do not follow.

When you finally manage to get to the beach at the edge of the lake, you see Prager lying on his back in the sand, chest heaving. “Prager, are you okay?” you ask worriedly, slipping into the role of medic. Prager gives a thumbs up, "Let's never do that again." You hear sputtering behind you and see Z-dog walking onto the beach, her mohawk hanging wet in her face with a pissed off expression.

Their eyes slide over your body with interest as they see how your body reacts to their confession. And this time, when you feel yourself shivering, you also feel the heat pooling in your core.

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emeritus-fuckers · 6 months

Text

“Alstroemeria” ♡ Cardinal Primo x gn!reader platonic drabble (fluff)

Dedicated to @thecuriouss. I suck at fluff. I'm sorry.

There was something peaceful about the Ministry's garden. Maybe it was the colorful flowers. Maybe it was the fact that not many people spend much time there, each Sibling of Sin dealing with their own work and responsibilities.

Maybe it was the fact that it was a good place to hide from all your worries. You could hide behind a tree, observe the colorful flowers and just wait until you felt like you could function again.

Or... you could be caught by a certain long haired blonde Cardinal in his early thirties. The oldest son of Papa Nihil Emeritus, Primo, seemed to share your fondness for the garden, though he never exactly said why. He just seemed to always gravitate here in his limited free time, usually with his two younger brothers, who would run around playfully or enjoy calm walks with him and ask him all about the flowers. Surprisingly, he seemed to always know the answer.

It took some time, since he wasn't too fond of people in general, but you became rather close friends with him. And since Primo Emeritus didn't have many friends, he seemed to really cherish the ones he did have.

And somehow, he seemed to know when one of said friends needed him. Which meant that, of course, he found you, sitting under a tree and watching the colorful flowers.

"That's alstroemeria." Primo announced instead of greeting you like anyone else would. He seemed to like making you jump in surprise, as there was always a sparkle of amusement in his eyes whenever he saw you acting like him randomly popping up was giving you a heart attack.

"Alstro... what?"

"Alstroemeria. The Lily of the Incas. Represents compassion, patience, appreciation, humor, understanding and loyalty." he explained, his gaze focused on the flowers. Primo rarely looked at you directly. He seemed to associate it with all the nonsense he had to deal with as future Papa.

You were both silent for a while, you still sitting on the ground, your back against the tree and him... well, he stood like he was taught to. Perfectly. His back completely straight, his hands behind his back as he looked in front of him. He almost looked like a statue.

Then again, considering his upbringing, being born only to ensure the bloodline wouldn't be broken... and yet, he was a good person. A complicated, yet good person. After all, he took raising his brothers onto himself, just so they could have a childhood.

"It's a... flower of friendship." He added after a while, hunching slightly. A sign that he was relaxed. And a habit that will probably cause him back issues when he gets older.

"Friendship?"

He hummed, clicking his tongue before slowly sitting down on the ground as well, despite how he'd usually scold you for doing that. You were tempted to point it out and maybe if you were in a better mood, you'd actually do it. But not right now. Right now you just wanted to enjoy his presence.

You rested your head against his shoulder, closing your eyes. He didn't really do anything about it, but you knew by now that he was comfortable with you, since he didn't even flinch. If he was uncomfortable, he'd simply get up and leave.

"Yes. I have personally requested to have them planted here." He admitted, his voice much quieter than usual, but not quite a whisper. It was a rare moment of peace in his life.

"Why?" You asked quietly, closing your eyes for a bit as you gently reached to hold his hand. He let you do that, intertwining your fingers together and humming softly.

"Because I've noticed how... fond... you are of this spot. It's always the same tree, facing the same direction. I figured... you'd enjoy those flowers here." He admitted, looking away, using his free hand to play with his hair. One of the small ways he allowed himself relax around people he trusted. There was something almost cute in it.

"You... had the Siblings plant those flowers here for me?"

"Don't think too much about it." He blurted out quickly, looking away with a slight blush. You giggled at his reaction. For someone so good with people, Primo was terrible when it came to dealing with those he actually held close. Unless, of course, it was about his brothers.

You smiled softly, relaxing against him. It was now that you noticed just how much all those negative emotions you felt earlier have worn you out. And his presence was soothing. Comforting. So soothing and comforting, in fact, that you ended up napping against him.

And Primo, despite all the work he still had to do, let you do that. Because he knew he wasn't good at showing affection. So instead, he would go along with what you did. And if you decided to use his shoulder as your pillow, then Primo Emeritus would not be moved until your nap was over.

And while you slept, he could look at the alstroemerias. The flowers he grew so fond of recently, because they reminded him of you. One of his closest friends.

This really was a good place to plant the flowers of friendship.

Written by Jez.

Taglist: @charlie-is-a-menace @copias-fluffy-asscheeks @lunarsromantichomicide @randodummy @tuttifuckinfruttifriday @calliedion-dungeon @randominstake @nuntia @dio-niisio @mamacarlyle @firefirevampire @mybotanicaldemise @emo-mess @natoncesaid @sirlsplayland @ouijaboardemo @lightbluuestars @igodownjustlikeholymary

#ghost band #ghost bc #ghost #ghost band x reader #ghost bc x reader #ghost x reader #papa emeritus i #cardinal primo #primo #primo emeritus #papa emeritus 1 #papa emeritus i x reader #cardinal primo x reader #primo x reader #primo emeritus x reader #papa emeritus 1 x reader

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lbright90 · 2 months

Text

From the start

So the last few days I've tried to reflect on where my relationship began with Jesus and God. As I was reflecting I realized that despite me knowing WHO God and Jesus were from a very early age I didn't have a personal relationship with God until 2018. So I'm gonna recap on why this is. When I was little my family was always going to church. My grandparents and mom went to church and I was there with them. Now when I was little we went to mostly Pentecostal churches and I'm not here to put down any denomination for we are not to be divided but come together to form one and worship as one. However, when I was little I would sit there and listen and watch, and there are a few times I could feel the spirit talk to me, but much like I was immature that I couldn't understand fully what the Spirit wanted. Like much today when we take our children to church, we teach them how to behave and act in churc. When I got to my teenage years and joined a local church's choir I enjoyed singing and praising God. I could feel the spirit tugging at my heart but I still couldn't understand what it wanted. It wasn't until 2018 that I found myself in a world where I felt trapped raising a child (he will always be my baby) by myself with a little help of my mother and the father of my son not being as reliable. It was then that a woman I barely knew asked me, "Are you okay?" At that moment I realized that no matter what I did, no matter how much I tried, I wasn't okay because I was pulling the old fake it to you make it. I was physically, mentally, and spiritually drained. That day was when I realized that I can't get no where in this life without asking help from a higher power because everyone else is only human, they make errors, and are not going to be 100% reliable when I need them. So that's when I started going to church. The lady was nice enough to invite me to her church and that's where I met some of the most wonderful amazing people ever who will do anything and everything to help you. Even if it's just praying for you, sometimes prayers do more for you then what money or items every could. After a few weeks it was during a sermon about resentment and holding onto grudges that the Lord worked on me and showed me where I had erred all my life. That I was so quick to hold onto grudges from something that someone did over 20+ years ago and until I let go of that hatred I would never find peace or happiness. That day I left everything to God, I prayed for a resolution to an issue with my father that I had been facing for many years and guess what! God answered. I was able to make peace with my father and let go of some of the hatred I had been holding onto. Now I want to recap on why my faith and relationship with God and Jesus didn't start until 2018, despite me feeling him knocking on my heart multiple times before. When I was growing up, you were expected to act a certain way at church, but there wasn't a lot of explaining. Like we were told you raise your hands to praise but nobody could point it out to me in the bible exactly where it said this. Fast forward to 2018 when one of my coworkers who was studying the bible could point it out to me in less than a 5 minute conversation. Now I'm not putting all the blame on the church from my childhood, or my mom, or my grandparents. It wasn't for them to them force me to have a relationship with God. Now that I'm older and more understanding, if I wanted to really know the answer I should have opened my Bible and really tried to read it and let God's word speak to me. So in the end it was because I wasn't ready to accept God and that I couldn't perceive his will. Anyways I just wanted to share this story with you all and I hope everyone has a good day. John 14:6-7

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me. If ye had known me, ye should have known my Father also: and from henceforth ye know him, and have seen him.

#jesus #testimony #jesus christ #God #help #love #truth #Christian #Christianity #Bible #Bible verse #bible scripture #word of God

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good-to-drive · 11 months

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thoughts on the Harrison-Boyd-Clapton live triangle???

Oh god I have SO many thoughts lol. I was actually just talking to my best friend about this, but to put it simply I see the whole situation as an example of two people who truly love each other not belonging together because the particular ways in which they're broken go together too well.

But, to put it less simply:

I tend to think about it from Pattie's perspective, and I've always thought of her as having pretty severe eldest daughter syndrome, i.e. she was taught to value her worth by what she could provide to others. Her parents weren't super involved and she took on a lot more responsibility than most kids her age, especially when it came to her younger siblings. This quote in particular stood out to me when I was obsessing over Pattie a few months ago:

(Not sure where that's originally from btw, I've had the screenshot forever but based on formatting I think it might be brainy quote).

It's often a red flag when people say they felt older than their years, and doubly so when they were in some way parentified. We often reenact the role we played in our childhood family system in our adult relationships, and in Pattie I think this lead her to be extremely giving and self sacrificing. To the point where I'm not sure she was even aware that she HAD emotional needs, much less knew how to assert them.

To that end, although I obviously like George quite a bit, there's no denying that -- especially as a young man -- he was an incredibly needy person. (I actually think all the beatles were sort of black holes of emotional need tbh, at least in their youth. Partly because of childhood trauma but also because they were living a life that's larger and more extreme than any human being was meant to live.)

Pattie's tendency to sacrifice excessively dovetailed perfectly with George's tendency to need excessively, and as a result he totally eclipsed her entire self, until she felt utterly lost. That's neither of their fault, btw. Neither of them was emotionally mature or self aware enough to realize what was happening.

(Not to mention George was cheating like a dog and Pattie was taking it on the chin even though she knew deep down she deserved better. But former parentified children often put up with a lot of shit as adults because they believe it's their responsibility to do so.)

Then Eric comes along and literally tells her it's her fault he's addicted to heroin and if she doesn't leave George he'll die and it'll be all her fault. Aside from the fact that this is literally emotional abuse, it's also an even darker and more powerful black hole of neediness than George. And as someone whose sense of self has been eclipsed and who only knows she matters when she's of service to others, it was basically impossible not to fall into that black hole.

For his part, I think Eric was far more concerned with taking something from George than being with Pattie. I don't know enough about him to know why he'd feel the need to do that and I also really dislike him so I doubt I'll ever find out. Pattie said he got bored of her pretty much as soon as he "had" her, and tbh that doesn't surprise me.

It was honestly such a tragic thing for Pattie to be driven/dragged away from George -- personally I believe they always loved each other (she referred to him as her soulmate in her autobiography, and George made sure she knew as long as he was alive she'd have a financial parachute) -- but I also genuinely think they had to lose each other in order to find themselves.

Pattie couldn't stay in a relationship where she was fulfilling the same self sacrificing role she played as a child, and although it was a long and painful road she seems to have really found herself and found peace. She's never explicitly said this, but often people without a strong sense of self need to be on their own in order to learn how to value themselves, and she did spend a long time unmarried after Eric.

And, although George was gutted by the breakup, he was no more capable of expressing love in a healthy way than Pattie was. If they had stayed together I doubt he'd have grown into the wise and self possessed person that he ultimately became, because he simply wouldn't have had to. (Plus he never would have found Liv and I love her just as much as I love Pattie.)

In the end their relationship is fascinating and tragic to me because the things that drew them to one another so deeply were also what ultimately doomed them, and yet in the shadow of that loss they became the people they were meant to be and found their happy endings.

Thanks for the ask, and sorry for the novel 😁

#george harrison #the beatles #beatles #pattie boyd #eric clapton #ask

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aroaceacacia · 1 year

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HI!!!! sorry if you've already posted about this before, but i'm aware you help maintain a vod archive - we're trying to do this for another server and were wondering if you had any tips for useful tools or ways to go about this? thanks and sorry for bothering !!

yes ok!!! here r my tips

1. Have some sort of location where all the VODs are accessible from, for people who may want to find them. For us, we have a spreadsheet, with dates & labels; this could also take the form of a YouTube playlist or an archive.org collection

2. Having only one way to download VODs probably wont be able to cover every scenario you encounter. Here's a list of a BUNCH of resources and tools, many of which you might never need, and most of which I've never heard of. In terms of programs to download VODs, I personally use a mixture of three: Twitch Downloader, 4k Video Downloader, and Twitch Recover. (I use Downloader to access most Twitch VODs, 4k for YouTube videos/streams - although it also does Twitch - and Twitch Recover for when a VOD has been recently deleted*.)

3. TWITCH DELETES VODS !!!! unless a vod is saved as a highlight, those suckers go KABLOOEY at a certain point! the exact amount of time will vary, depending on whether ur streamer is affiliate, partner, or not, so knowing your streamer's status is very helpful. I think non-affiliates and affiliates have a week, and then partners have 60 days. Note that Twitch Recover does not work on VODs older than 60 days, so this time limit is REALLY IMPORTANT.

4. If you're able to get in touch with your streamers in some way, that is really cool and epic! Not necessary at all, but sometimes it's nice being able to remind streamers theres a demand for an official VODs channel, or asking if they have any spare VODs lying around

5. HAVE FRIENDS TO DO THIS WITH !! you said "we" so I assume theres probably a team of some sort already, but division of labor is HUGELY helpful for VOD archiving, because those GB start adding up fast. (It's about 2.5 GB per 1 hour of video at 1080p quality, and generally you want the highest quality possible, so VODs can get pretty chunky.) Oh yeah I guess storage space is useful too. Remember to do spring cleaning also every now and then and make sure you dont delete anything that isnt already backed up elsewhere 👍 but yes. Teamwork. Communicating with the group about who will do what, being able to mobilize in a potential crisis, and making occasional public calls for additional hands on help are all super important, I've found.

6. YouTube is a copyright bitch! While it's better for watching vods back on, it will occasionally block a vod for copyright. YouTube is great, I upload all my MCC vods there unlisted, but I also recommend getting familiar with archive.org. archive is a little slower to upload but it won't hide a VOD worldwide because it had a copyrighted song or three in it. Having mirrors of uploads is a good tool for peace of mind - one of my friends has been on a kick of double mirroring VODs lately, even ones that will eventually be up on a VODs channel, but that's also a lot of uploading and slows him down

7. Being aware to at least some degree of the contents of what you're archiving is a good thing. Sometimes you need to censor out an accidental doxxing or worry about an IP leak, and I find it makes me feel more confident in my work if I know what I'm preserving. Like, I archive plenty of MCC POVs I havent necessarily watched, but they're all MCC, and I know what happens, and I sometimes hear details from other people - but a random server VOD from a guy I don't watch much of could contain anything. Sometimes I worry I've accidentally stuck deeply personal information into the internets biggest document repository. And maybe I have. But having some familiarity helps the peace of mind

8. Have fun with it and take pride in your work! You're helping to prevent something you love, the hard work of others, from becoming lost media! That's sooooo epic and sexy and cool of you, actually, and more people should do it - either on their own for their own personal purposes, or in the context of a larger project, like me and you

tl;dr its work but it boils down to communication, having the right tools, and having a team that is willing to adapt and cooperate in order to get stuff done! best of luck in your efforts

#asks #the genesis institute #this is like sooooo much info most of it will come up naturally. & i think the exact rhythm and formula #will vary depending on the exact group of people you've got & the demands of the server itself

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littlegodzilla · 2 years

Text

Well I'm here again!

This time I bring you all the first chapter from my New mini series, I don't know how many chapter it will have because I'm writing it when new ideas come to my mind.

I started the story before the end of the world because we all know the TWD story, maybe I'll write until the CDC, I'm not sure. But I'm not going to write a whole new TWD story following the TV show line, maybe it could be more like a prequel or something like that... I'm still thinking about it!! I don't know if I have to put it like a AU fanfiction either...

Anyway!! I hope you like it!!

Maybe the first one is shorter than the stories I usually post here, but I was exciting to know what all of you think about it! I promise the next ones will be longer.

Your Name.

Daryl Dixon x Reader.

Mini series 1/?

Warnings: Merle being Merle. Bad language.

Words: 2130.

Summary: in this world people are marked with their soulmate name on their skins, but sometimes that name it not who you expected.

Taglist: @phoenixblack89 @browneyes528 @pncnsc @lilythemadqueen @darylsgarden @thefemininemystiquee @xxtinasxxblog @hail-yourselves @ruinedbythehobbit @green-eyedladywrites @ravenwings73

*****

≈≈≈≈≈

You walk in all tucked up and buttoning your work shirt. You cross the counter and your coworkers look at you with an amused smile.

"Sorry." You say making a small grimace of apology, the clerk laughs again.

"Long night?" she jokes and you groan softly. "Don't worry, we've already clocked in for you."

"Thank you...and no, I wish it had been that." You sigh and they look at you curiously. "The guy wouldn't stop talking and in the end he didn't even walk me home...it was a waste of time."

"Sorry, he seemed more interesting." They look at you apologetically and you put on your uniform jacket to start working. "We still don't have your badge..." She says when she sees you put on the badge with the name of a former colleague.

"It doesn't matter, I've only been here two weeks, and I don't care if they think I'm someone else." You joke.

You came to Senoia in search of a new life, you moved away from your old town and family wanting to do something else, of course Senoia was small and quiet, but it gave you the peace you needed. After a few days looking for a job you found a vacant position in the town supermarket, one of the girls had found her destined mate, his name appeared on her arm, apparently he was a childhood friend, soon after he also found her name and they became engaged.

For as long as mankind has been aware of it, people have been fated. They do not know how or why, but in some people over the years, as if it were a tattoo, the name of a person appears on their skin. Sometimes they are friends, acquaintances, sometimes they are complete strangers who are destined to meet at some point in their lives and start a new one together. Many people think it's romantic, they think it's poetic, others think it's manipulation, a government invention to keep everyone under control. Apparently everyone seems to accept that this must be so, they accept that, despite years of relationship with one person, they leave with another when their name appears on their skin.

It doesn't seem to make sense to you.

Your older sister was predestined with a friend of hers since childhood, they have two children and are happy. Your brother has a woman's name on his shoulder, but he hasn't found her yet.

You still have no name tattooed on your skin. You have had some partners with whom you have had great times, but you never created a real bond with any of them.

Your partners also have their partners, Donna is happy with her wife and kids, Felicity is meeting her man, but she seems excited and eager to take the next step, you are happy for them, but you really don't think everyone deserves to have a destined partner, you never know who it might be and what might happen next.

You don't want anyone like him.

Your eyes fix on a couple who are at the back of the supermarket, where the coolers with the soft drinks and alcohol are, they are talking to each other as one of them tries to hide some cans inside his baggy pants, you see how the other one looks around biting his nail nervously. You sigh wearily. You're not sure who they are, but it's not the first time you've caught them trying to steal something from the supermarket, your coworkers never say anything to them, but you're starting to get sick of it. You leave the labeler on top of the shelf where you are placing the new products that have arrived that morning and walk towards your colleagues.

"Who are those assholes?" You say pointing to the two men trying to leave with what they just stole.

It is obvious that the shaven haired man is the ringleader of the two, both are dressed in a scruffy manner, dirty clothes and look quite old, even his skin has traces of dirt and sweat, he must be in his late forties or early fifties, the other looks no better, maybe younger and at least looks nervous about what they are doing.

"That's Merle and Daryl Dixon, some redneck brothers who live outside in a ramshackle cabin..." Donna snorts. "Don't mind them, they always come and get some beer and leave, it's not..." But she shuts up because you're already heading their way. "Shit..."

"Hey, Dixon!" You call out to them and they both raise their heads at the same time. "Where are you guys going?" you walk over and fold your arms.

"Just havin' look 'round." Says the shaven one, the older looking of the two, he looks you up and down and gives you a devious grin and you feel instantly nauseous. "Is there a problem...?" he leans over touching the badge on your shirt. "Susy."

"Yes, yes there is." You don't even make the effort to correct him, to tell him that's not your name, you'd almost rather he didn't know. "I hope after you look, you'll pay for those beers you're carrying." You point to the bulging pockets of his pants with your head.

"Excuse me?" The man feigns offense and looks at his brother who raises his eyebrows, but says nothing. "Are y'accusin' us of thievery?"

"I'm not accusing you, it's obvious you are."

"Y'think we can't afford them?" The other speaks then taking a step forward. "Y'think we would come to steal from this shitty supermarket?" he snarls and his blue eyes bore into you like daggers.

"If you can afford them, do it and you'd be doing us all a favor in never coming back here again." You try to stand your ground, but the older man holds you by the neck and it scares you a little.

"Look, pretty girl, just because ya have a job doesn't mean ya can look down yer nose at a man, y'know what I mean? Much less talk to us like that." His nose brushes your cheek and you tense your jaw hard. "If yer pussy needs attention, I'll be happy to give it what it needs." He smiles and you hear the other snort through his nose, amused by the situation. "But y'have to ask me properly, beautiful, on yer knees and with yer mouth full." He whispers in your ear and then releases you, your legs wobble, but you don't get to fall. "And the fuckin' beers we ain't gonna pay them" He assures you. "C'mon, Daryl." He says to the other man and the two of you walk away.

Before they leave, Daryl grabs a couple of bags of chips as well and takes them with him, the door alarm not even sounding as they walk away.

Your body trembles with rage and impotence, you would like to go after them, call the police, but you know it won't do any good. No one will do anything. Your coworkers look at you worriedly as you return to the counter rubbing your neck.

"Are you all right? I told you not to listen to them."

"And let them steal whenever they want?"

"It's just a couple of beers and some chips, plus they come in once in a while, no big deal." Donna says putting money in the till, from her purse, you frown at the sight of it.

"It's okay, but you're paying for it. It's not fair, someone should stop them."

"Merle is a hopeless case, and if you go after him he'll make your life hell." Daryl is calmer, he's not a troublemaker, but when he's with Merle..."

"Yeah, what a shitty personality." You grunt again and walk away back to your work.

You spend the morning among the shelves, serving customers and restocking the products left empty on the shelves. Angry as a monkey, unable to get the Dixon brothers out of your head. Felicity has told you a little more about them, troubled past, abusive father, they've grown up wild and on the fringes of town, apparently Merle has been in and out of jail several times, doesn't seem to have learned from his mistakes, his brother Daryl has a temp job at an auto shop, but is easily sucked in by his older brother's bullshit.

You don't feel sorry for them, they're both complete assholes, and if they have to go to jail, you'll live much more peacefully.

It's the last hour, you are about to close the doors, Donna is finishing counting the box, Fely has come to pick up her boy and flirts with him at the door, you are finishing cleaning the floor when you hear Donna give your partner permission to leave. You smile as you see her excited, he looks haunted too, he doesn't take his eyes off Fely, you're happy for her, deep down.

"I'm going to the storeroom for a moment, will you take care of closing up?" the manager asks you and you nod.

You leave the mop in its place and walk over to the counter to get the keys and lock the doors. Before you get there, you hear the door jingle and see the Dixon brothers appear over there. Again you tense up at the sight of Merle smiling at you in that disgusted way.

"It's closed."

"Look, li'brother, who we've here again." Smiles Merle walking straight towards you. "Ya miss us, Susy?"

"Have you missed me? Because you came twice in the same day."

"Yer quick..." He smiles again looking at his brother, Daryl is a few steps behind, chewing his lip, he looks nervous, he doesn't want to be there, but again his brother drags him with him. "Grab some beers and a bottle of whiskey while I talk to the lady."

"Merle..."

"Y'ain't hear me?"

Daryl snaps in frustration and wanders off to the coolers to get some beers and the bottle his brother said, when you try to stop him, Merle steps into your path, blocking your path with his body. You instinctively back away, the last thing you want is for him to touch you.

"You're not going to pay for that either, are you?"

"Yer smart, sweetheart, but if ya wanna, I'll pay for it another way..." He wags his tongue obscenely and you pull away again.

"Oh for God's sake, no. Do you really think anyone would want anything to do with you? If it wasn't for your looks, your smell would be taken care of already, do you guys not know what a shower is?"

Merle's smile instantly disappears turning into an angry gesture, he advances towards you, after you, ready to make you pay for your words, but you keep moving away avoiding his muddy and dirty hands touching you. When he raises his hand to try to grab you by the throat again, you hit it hard, enraging him again.

"Fuckin' bitch..."

"Merle!" Daryl stops his brother, Merle turns to look at him. "I got it, leave that frigid bitch alone and let's get the fuck out of here." He barks again.

"You're in luck, bitch, my brother's in a hurry." She huffs and walks away, but in the process knocks over a shelf of cans of food that explode as they hit the floor, leaving everything a mess.

"Asshole..." You snort after they're gone.

"What happened?" Donna is surprised when she comes out of the warehouse.

"The Dixon brothers. Go home, they're waiting for you."

"You don't mind locking up by yourself?"

"No, don't worry, it was my fault, I shouldn't have provoked him..."

"Don't worry, and come back to work later tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay, have a good rest."

Donna says goodbye and gathering her things she walks out of the supermarket leaving you alone.

Cleaning up the mess Merle has made takes longer than you thought it would. Lifting the shelf is heavier than Merle had taken to knock it down. All the cans have rolled along the aisle, shattering, bursting on impact from the floor, the meat is scattered and the juices leave the floor slimy and sticky.

Maybe you should have bitten your tongue and avoided the whole pile of shit you are now involved in, but no, your stubborn and provocative side has not let you think clearly and there you are, scrubbing the floor once again, watching the mop mop take on a yellowish color just like the water.

After an hour you put the mop back in the cleaning cupboard. You understand why Donna has given you the first hour of the morning off, it is very late and tomorrow you will not be able to get up when the alarm clock rings. Your whole body feels heavy and aches. You let out a groan as you change out of your uniform and walk out of the supermarket, closing the grille on the front door.

You hear a clink as your sneakers hit something on the floor, you lower your head and discover a half-finished bottle of whiskey, next to it are several bills and a note.

"Fer the beers and whiskey. Sorry."

To be continued...

***

I hope you liked it!!

See you in the next stories!!

#my stuff #norman reedus #normanreedus #daryl dixon #daryldixon #twd fanfiction #mini series #new stuff #new story #daryl dixon x femreader #daryl x reader #twd story #twd daryl

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theexiledviera · 12 days

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Dawntrail Benchmark: Thoughts and Screenshots

The moment we've been waiting for, and in some cases dreading. Dawntrail's official benchmark released, showcasing XIV's graphics update and the opportunity for us to see our beloved WoLs' appearances going forward. The results led to the expected mixed reactions with players either elated or aghast with what's changed for their characters.

Even I found myself hesitant to really form an opinion on how Astraea looked in the Character Creator menu. At first I was shocked with her appearance when bringing her into the light. Something clearly looked off, and I worried that the time had come to say goodbye to a muse that did so much for my inspiration and personal healing.

Left - 6.58 / Right - Benchmark

I don't know who at SE thought it was a good idea to have the Character Creator use lighting this abysmal, but dear god! It really clashes with the new textures and bone structures of the redesigned models. It wasn't until I rotated Astraea's face towards the shade when the previews yielded far better results.

It was then that Astraea looked like herself, albeit maybe a little older than she currently appeared ingame, but in a good way. Still, I had to run the trailer to really see how she transitioned to the upcoming graphics update.

Environmentally speaking, the update looks incredible with the more lush foliage and higher textured elements in the open world. Grass and flowers having actual collision on them was an attention to detail I didn't expect with this update, but it's awesome to see.

Seeing Astraea in action brought me peace of mind about the graphics update, not only with her appearance, but with the surprising improvements to her features and motions on display (we actually have real feet and fingers now!!).

I can understand and sympathize with a lot of people who had the knee-jerk reactions they did. When the Benchmark was released, we had no idea how bad the CC menu was going to make our WoLs look.

That's not to say some of the criticism wasn't justified for the more obvious changes. There are some creative decisions that are rather mind-boggling to say the least. Moonkeeper Miqos, you have my condolences for the loss of your fangs.

Whether or not SE will address these concerns as they had from past showcases is yet to be seen, but likely to happen, if not before, then surely after Dawntrail's launch. We can only be patient in the matter.

I've been having fun rebuilding and previewing all my characters in the Benchmark to see if there are any major changes, but so far they all look the same, if not better. My Roe, Skarnwyda really glowed up with this update. Just look at her!

And then, there's the fem Hroths. Overall, I love their design being more beast-like than human, similar to their male counterparts. I am disappointed with the limited customization for them in the Benchmark. We didn't even get normal hair selections for them, which I'm sure will change when DT releases...I hope.

I don't have plans on adding a fem Hroth to Astraea's lore (I'm far too late in the game to make it work), but there's always room for one in Chessylite's story.

In the end, I'm excited for Dawntrail and the graphics update. It will take some getting used to, and surely there are hiccups SE will need to fix as they continue bringing the whole game up to code with it. My biggest concern is the lighting system, at least for the older zones if the CC menu is anything to go by.

It's not perfect, far from it, but it's a step in the right direction for XIV's future.

#viera #viera oc #ffxiv screenshots #ffxiv oc #astraeatheexile #theexiledviera #ffxivblogging #astraea the exile #the exiled viera #dawntrail benchmark #dawntrail #ffxiv au ra #roegadyn #female roegadyn #roegadame #au ra #hrothgar #female hrothgar

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marta-bee · 1 month

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I've been ruminating (some would say obsessing) on that word I keep seeing used to describe the situation in Gaza. Genocide. Long post is long, so let's put this under a cut.

I know there's debate on some quarters on whether it's accurate; I'm not sure it is, but also think that question misses the point, because whatever else Gaza is, it's a humanitarian fuck-show. And it's caused, beside the obvious, by Israeli willingness to risk human life rather than tolerate a risk to their own security (which they're much better equipped to protect themselves from than the people of Gaza are), coupled with Israeli refusal to make lasting peace with their neighbor enabled by American military and cultural support. So yes, this one feels personal to me both as an American and someone with mixed Jewish-Christian heritage. People who claim to represent me are enabling said humanitarian fuck-show, which is nothing if not uncomfortable.

That said, every time I see that word it gets stuck in my craw a bit. Not because it's untrue but because mass human suffering caused by violence against an ethnic minority is hardly limited to Gaza, or to the present moment. So I'm questioning whether the Gaza situation is uniquely terrible. Not that it needs to be; I don't post about it much here because Tumblr is my refuge from the offline world, but I am doing quite a lot in RL to support Gaza, and to press my congressmen to take a stronger stance against Israel. I don't want to give the impression I'm not bothered or lukewarm just because I'm not vocal about it here.

But the fact that this suffering and violence isn't unique makes me really uncomfortable with that word because, let's face it, the language is intended to outrage people. I've been thinking about a phrase Fred Clarke (the blogger "Slacktivist" at Patheos, a moderate Baptist who often criticized Christian evangelicalism and fundamentalism) used to parody fundamentalist stances on abortion. "Satanic baby-killers" - it was how the fundamentalists supposedly described abortionists and pro-life folks; not sure if they really used it or if Clarke invented it to make his point. The point being, even if you believed this was accurate of what abortionists were doing, the real reason to use it was to make abortionists and fellow citizens who happened to be pro-life seem so other, so --well-- Satanic, that it was morally impossible not to support them. It was meant to radicalize their own side and dehumanize the other.

I'm not so worried about dehumanizing Israelis and Jews more generally. I mean, yes, that's a concern, but it's possible to criticize Israel without being anti-Semitic, and this word at least doesn't play into all those old tropes, at least not in a way I can see. I'm more worried about how it shapes the way we think about our fellow Americans. Because America isn't as overwhelmingly outraged by the Gaza crisis as Tumblr and other left-leaning social media would make you believe. A recent Pew Research poll (results published 3/21/24) found that 31% said their sympathies lie entirely or mostly with Israel, and another 26% said they were equally sympathetic toward both groups. There are reasons for this, not particularly valid ones today but historically I understand why so many Americans (particularly older ones and more conservative ones) are primed to support, but for the most part those reasons are outdated, something they need to be encouraged to reconsider and move on from. Accusing them of supporting a genocide only puts them on the defense.

(The short version, based on my personal conversations with family and neighbors: they think of Israel as a democracy in a sea of dictatorships and monarchies, no longer true; Israel is our ally so it's unpatriotic to criticize them, would take more space to deconstruct but if we can't criticize our friends when they do shit like this who can; and they see Israel as a necessary safeguard where Jews can go to escape discrimination, which is vaguely racist and surely a much less humane and effective approach than addressing the anti-Semitism where said Jews actually live. As I said, not valid reasons, but reasons nonetheless I'm trying to help them grow out of through our conversations. Which means they need to feel safe enough to consider they might actually be wrong.)

The bigger concern for me, though, is what this does to the people using that language. That's why I brought up that "Satanic baby-killers" phrase. Because it ratchets up the sense that your neighbors are moral monsters. It dehumanizes them, so you don't see people who are wrong because they haven't educated themselves or even because they have some valid reason to support Israel I'm not seeing (I'm human, I'm fallible, and I always want to hear new ideas I haven't considered because I want to grow). Instead, they see someone despicable, someone who's wholly other from people like them. It dehumanizes them. And, speaking as someone who grew up in the American South in the '80s and '90s, so yes, I did live through that Satanic baby-killer mind set if not the actual language: that shit will mess you up. I'd rather my current friends not have to go through that.

On the other hand: Gaza is still a humanitarian fuck-show. And evil still needs to be opposed. I know that, and I do that. Possibly I should just get over my hang-up over that word and focus on the things that matter more in terms of RL consequences. Still, it bothers me, and -- being me -- I needed to take the time to unpack why.

#gaza #politics #marta blathers

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xelasrecords · 4 months

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@brighteststar707 I've started drafting the response and saved it but when I came back the edit button was GONE???

Tumblr is a mystical place. Rewriting them now.

3. Do you like the person you feel like you’re becoming?

It took me a long time to reach this level of self-acceptance, but yes! I make decisions for my own good even though they may not always feel good, I no longer let people cross my boundaries, and I do things that make me happy without feeling guilty that I'm wasting time. Never again do I want to feel so innately worthless. It was such a torturous headspace to be in.

11. Do you like who you are around people?

Also yes. It wasn't always like this—I didn't know how to socialise at work so I'd eat alone more often than not, and I was quiet and zoned off a lot when I was with my friends. They have a joke that I was like a ghost they couldn't catch because I'd always disappear whenever I felt like it.

But I'm way better now! I can't pinpoint when it happened, but over time I found myself not having to fret about what to say and always having things to ask, things to talk about. I can laugh and make jokes naturally, and I've become closer with my friends. I didn't expect this kind of change as I grew more comfortable with myself. There were a lot of joys I robbed myself from by stewing in my insecurities and not being brave enough to care about me.

30. Who have you never forgiven? Why?

Someone I dated who did some Horrible Things. I don't actively hate him but I'm not bothered about whether I should forgive him. It's tiring to nurse a grudge and I just want to live a peaceful life.

31. What are you looking forward to right now?

The annual Christmas dinner with my friends! Hoping most of these people will be available. No one told me it'd be this hard to meet up with friends as you get older. The amount of planning it takes to line up our schedules.....

61. What quirks do you have?

I like to fiddle with my ring and I've been told I throw my head back when I laugh.

#ask game #xela answers

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demonsfate · 6 days

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5 and 9

send a number for my muse to talk about . . . // accepting . . .

5. someone they’ve forgiven

❝ It's bad to say but . . . I don't think there's anyone I've forgiven. My friends have never hurt me, & anyone who has never apologized for it. Except . . . for Devil. He's apologized. In a way, we've made peace together. We live a regular life like everyone else, we spend time together. But have I forgiven him ? Not really. It's hard to forgive the kind of stuff he's done. But . . . we still try to move on regardless. ❞

He leaned back in the seat, watching his chest rise & fall akin to an ocean in a storm. They lived as mundanely as a human & a devil could, so why did talking about him still spike his heartrate faster than a cappuccino could ? With a slow sigh, Jin continued.

❝ I knew Devil all my life. I didn't realize it at first, but I have. When we were children, we'd play whenever we crossed paths in our head. He wasn't as violent as a kid. No, no . . . his aggression grew worse as he grew older. We weren't roughhousing anymore after that, he became violent toward me. Toward everyone, really. When I found out he was more than just a reoccurring dream, I hated him. With that festering aggression of his, I became convinced he was evil. I treated him as such for the longest time, & really . . . he's convinced me he was for that time. Until one day, I decided to not fight his violence with more violence. I decided to be gentle with him, to take away his hatred through purifying him. Now I wonder . . . was he to blame to how he's hurt me, how he's hurt humanity ? Or . . . would he have never if I could've helped him sooner ? If only I knew about the power of purification I've had. I think . . . that's one reason why I can't condemn him. He's apologized, he's changed, & I . . . don't know if he can even be considered the same person anymore. Maybe I didn't just purified him, but he was corrupted by his creator's desires. ❞

Jin sat up straight again, his head shaking, long bangs bouncing along every tiny movement.

❝ Sorry. Most of that was simple reflection on our relationship. I hope I'm not boring you. It's just that . . . we've known each other our entire lives. I've know everything about him, & he's the same for me. Yet he also confuses me, too. Nowadays, I don't know how to feel about him anymore. I think . . . we'll just keep going, see where it takes us. Now, who else did you mention ? ❞

9. someone they would like to befriend

❝ Hmm. Right. I already have a lot of friends. But . . . I think I would like to get to know King better. I enjoy watching wrestling, so to know one of the bigger wrestlers is quite cool. King seems like a genuinely good person, too. He has that orphanage, he's forgiven people who have wronged him. Truly inspiring. I think I'd learn a thing or two from him. ❞

#au #auburniivenus #🔥 - ғᴏᴜɴᴅ ᴘᴇᴀᴄᴇ ɪɴ ᴀ ᴘᴜʀᴘʟᴇ ʜᴀᴢᴇ // (ic)#✏️ - ғɪsᴛ ᴍᴇᴇᴛs ғᴀᴛᴇ // (t8 timeline)#✏️ - ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ? // (inbox)#// originally i was gonna have both answer these buuuut ...#// jin's rambling went on too long that i just gave it all to him to avoid making this any longer xD

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youngerfrankenstein · 21 days

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Logging on for a moment to post a bit of self-indulgent self-pitying prose brought to you by the fact I slept like shit last night and it's raining

I had potential once, I think. Maybe it was always an illusion, but it was one I used to be able to indulge in.

I had things I wanted to do once. I had stories I wanted to tell, things I wanted to create. Maybe it's good I learned young not to bother hoping I would ever make it. Maybe it makes it hurt less that I never found it in myself to bother. I was never going to make it anyway.

The pain still wells up sometimes though. Scattered among awful, half-finished projects my mind and body would rather shame itself for than work on. Sometimes I wonder at myself that I'd rather feel awful than anything else.

It's almost funny how I wanted to tell stories as a kid, when the older I get the more I know I have nothing to say. Desperately wanting to say something, anything to cover for the fact there's nothing there. That when I look inside myself there's nothing but an empty hole I try to pin a tarp over. It's a pit trap, but it looks nicer than leaving it open.

People terrify and disgust and irritate me, and there are times I wish I could just go along without them at all. Most of the time I can even convince myself I already can. It's not right to pretend to be a person around them and leave them to find out the truth anyway. Lying is wrong.

I wish I could avoid comparing myself to them, but it's futile. The ones both who will never know I exist and the ones who exist right next to me. I've lost whatever chance I had. I just wish I could come to peace with it.

Most days I can. Sitting in a life that never really got started. I've tried, yet it's only ever seemed to make things worse. Better to keep the boat in the dock than crash it again.

#Ignore me #God I love anonymity #I’m going to have some hot chocolate

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thebroccolination · 3 months

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I've Been Revisiting Stargate Atlantis…

Because my broken foot is still healing, so I'm trying to rest at home as much as I can, and SkyReplay airs it pretty regularly.

It's also because I love revisiting my favorite fandoms. Especially the fandoms I was in as a teenager. Hours upon hours spent reading these incredible fics written by people whose talent just made them feel heroic to me as a younger writer. When I rewatch these episodes, I remember my life as it was then. Fandom as it was then.

When I first watched Stargate Atlantis, I was in my third year of high school. I still posted my fics to FFN. I hadn't even heard of LiveJournal yet. I took a laptop and a book everywhere. I hadn't realized my queerness. I had few friends. And I was years away from leaving the States to live in another country where I'd finally stop trying to find the perfect way to change myself to impress my family. I'd find out that living like that would have chipped away at my heart and, ultimately, slowly erase the person I am now.

I was a lurker in most fandoms since the age of nine. I wrote fic and posted it sometimes, but I didn't engage in many forums. I rarely talked to anyone online at all, and I didn't really make fandom friends, either. Whenever I found a fandom with a huge amount of fics, I didn't bother writing anything myself. I just read as much as I could, the longer the fic, the better.

I knew fandom as a mainly adult space, and I was excited to be part of it. These fan-written stories felt more familiar to me than the media they were based on, especially with queer romance instead of heterosexual. And while there were famous episodes of Drama and Fandom Wank, fandom was, in general, my safe space.

Online fandom insulated me from all the school and family strife that I couldn't avoid offline while Being a Teenager. Fandom was a treehouse I could climb into. Pull the ladder up behind me, sprawl on some pillows, feel the cool breeze and the sun pouring in through the windows. Safe and alone with my imagination and the stories shared in a little-known community where no one who felt unsafe could find me.

And the fandom of Stargate Atlantis was an extra special escape. The fic was phenomenal, and the meta was incredible, and the show was ridiculous sometimes but fun and full of potential to explore in fic.

I just rewatched "Trinity" and reread Time in a Bottle by @astolat today, and all those feelings are still where I left them, only now I'm older and more experienced. And I'm so much happier than I was then. It's like revisiting the treehouse and finding everything right where I left it, untouched by time or weather or discovery.

Fandom has changed. Even back then, fandom wasn't a treehouse for everyone. But when I think about what it was for me, when I look back on how much it saved me and made my life worth living and celebrating in the darkest moments, I think, That's what I know to pass on now. I can't give my experience to anyone else, but I can make treehouses. I can create communities where people feel safe in their joy.

That is, in a way, what AO3 is. The big treehouse. Where our stories are safe.

And I think that's what we're here for, in the big What Are We Here For? sense.

To soak in the sun together when we can, then build cover from the rain. Protecting our peace and each other's so we can use our breathtakingly short time to share stories by a fire.

There's a moment in Astolat's fic that made me cry when I was in high school. It won't have the same impact without the rest of the fic, so please read it first, but it's this:

[John] had one wild moment just standing there, and then he flung himself on the bed, scrabbling at Rodney's shoulders, hauling him up against his body to hold him tight tight tight, and Rodney shuddered awake and grabbed him back. John said, "Rodney, Jesus God, don't—don't—" and Rodney gasped, "John, John, John," and clung to him.

Rereading it today, it still made me emotional. The fic is just as beautiful as I remembered it. It's just as important to me as it was then.

And I genuinely believe it's fics like that that have had the greatest influence on my writing. That soul-deep emotion. A character thinking they've lost their person only to get them back. That excerpt is only two sentences, and I've remembered them for years. I must have read this fic when I was in my last year of high school, and I must have read it on my laptop in my bedroom, sitting on my bed with the pillows against my back. Back before I read that you should keep your bed for sleeping only. I read so many fics on my computer in bed. I don't remember where I was exactly, if it was there or elsewhere, but I do remember crying.

And I never forgot that scene. It left a comforting stitch in my mind with a precious memory underneath.

And how beautiful are we when we do this? That we found a way to tell untold numbers of people these sincere, heartfelt stories that not only stay with us for years afterward but also thread themselves into the core of who we are and maybe even change how we see the world and what we think life could be?

If we're alive for anything, I think it's to do that: to press our fingerprints together and leave a bit of golden light on someone who needs it.

#stargate atlantis #fic rec #and now i've made myself cry again #which is good because i'm writing a very emotional scene in my book today #anyway #thank you astolat <3 #i appreciate you and your brain that made such beautiful things

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agere-fandom · 3 months

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regressor!charles smith!!

note; I KNOW the whole agere challenge is all over but idc!! i've been getting into the rdr2 mood so more headcanons for all of you!! :D Anyway- CHARLES SMITH!!! I love him so, he's my favorite (if it isn't Arthur or Hosea). Like he's so sweet omg, please I needed more Charles content- (omg he's so beautiful, it took me long too pick my photo my god-)

headcanons; (cw; diapers and periods!!)

Charles is a baby/toddler regressor and his age range is 2 - 5

Like his much more bigger self, Charles is a quiet and introverted little. Always liking his own company than others and liking the peace than the loud chaoticness of what is the camp. He won't speak much either, being non-verbal almost all the time. It's rare for him to speak words, but he has a small vocabulary if so

⬇️ Also, Charles would probably like sensory deprivation. Mostly for when it's quiet and dark. He's always hated the day and with the bright sun in his eyes, and although he is a sensory seeker at most times, sometimes he needs to have a lack of that. Mostly at night. He loves being under tree shade or looking up at the night stars. Oh, and he loves Papa (Arthur), of course

With his quietness, it's made him gone missing one too many times. But he's never left far from camp, but people are still confused because 'where did he go?'. And it usually ends up in Arthur having a 2 hour search and scratching his head before he finds Charles under a tree in the fields LMAO

He is still very much a nature boy, just like Kieran. Always going out to pick herbs, plants, flowers, ect. Most of his days while being little consists of him being out in the fields, having what little peace he can get. And he's known as the camps gift-giver, because he's always giving small gifts from mother nature herself, but only to those who are most closest like Arthur or Tilly. Whatever he finds that makes him think of that person, to be honest

He's always loved the younger littles, John and Kieran, mostly. He doesn't do much with them, he just stares at them and just watches over them quietly. He only minds Sadie and Tilly for the older ones, everyone else is too much for him. Caregivers are only stuck to Arthur and Hosea. Very head-on about who he likes (me too, Charles)

He's never been so heavy first on diapers or even using them. What diapers are used for, for Charles are for comfort reasons. Baby powders quiet the comfort as well. It's not until he got too used to wearing them he would go without noticing. He felt a LOT of shame for actually going, and found it awkward to actually find out he could go. Arthur saw nothing wrong with it, just another baby that wears diapers. And he's been full supportive of his boy, helping him take baby steps (literally) (making a fic about this btw!!)

Also, I do headcanon Charles as trans! And he's usually done shark week and periods and such while he's big and alone. But has slowly come to doing all that while he's regressed. Of course, Arthur is his full support, again, and acts like the absolute legend he is as a caregiver. He would do anything to help support his boy and doesn't even see much wrong with him <3 (i need a cg like arthur pls)

As well as this, I also headcanon him as plus-sized! I am on that road, yes, and mostly because I think he would be! He would be the best with cuddles and hugs, and Arthur's a strong boah to carry his boy, so he's perfectly fine. He usually doesn't like laying on his stomach, because it makes him feel unwell, so tummy time is out of the picture

As much as it's rare to, you would see him being around the ladies. Letting them braid his hair, making small bouquets with whatever flowers are around, even passing some of them to the ladies to put in his hair. He's listening to them talk and hum and he loves it, because it's peaceful and not so loud. Always leaning on Tilly's shoulder and listening to her

#agere fandom #agere headcanons #fandom agere #fandom headcanons #cw dips #red dead redemption agere #rdr2 agere #charles smith #RAHHHH I LOVE HIM SO #SO SO MUCH #YOU DONT UNDERSTANDDDDD #im a charles defender

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