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tossertozier · 5 years

Note

hey i was wondering if you could talk a little about your thoughts behind eddie and richie's very limited playlist. i realise its quite an old fic now but something abt it has rly stuck with me since i first read it ages ago and i would be super interested to understand richie and the other losers perspectives on eddie and richies relationship. eddies head is always quite a lonely difficult place to be and i would love to know how you see this version of eddie and richie going forward 1/2

no worries if its difficult/youre too busy but if you have a moment i would rly love to read a little more about that universe. thank you !! 2/2

honestly anon i just read the beginning segment of that fic and i had to stop. i could call it projection: the fic. all of my fics are to some extent.... but that fic is nearly obvious. the entire opening sequence is straight out of my own life.

this is the fic in question if anyone hasn’t read it. i would read it before reading this post. the post is almost as long and will spoil the whole thing.

but of course in real life the guy i was fucking at the time was not my long term best friend so their relationship in the fic would be a lot more complex. i was never thinking about marrying my fuck buddy. but i did only fuck him bc he reminded me of someone else.

i decided to go with making it so new rules wasn’t necessarily applying to just eddie or just richie but could be about either of them. it’s definitely one of the more tragic of my fics. the part where richie and eddie have sex because they can’t have a conversation hurts me. it’s a very personal piece of myself to have written into a fic. “eddie laughs as he grabs his upper arms and he thinks to himself that this is it. this is almost enough.” && then later with the “i always thought you two were meant to be.” “please, please.” he tightens his pinky in hers, and spares a glance for bill “don’t say that.” like... the whole thing is so sad. i left it ambiguous in the writing with intention, bc i think it’s much more interesting to read things that leave room for interpretation, but when i was writing it, i was envisioning richie as in love with eddie. it’s unreciprocated but eddie needs to feel that love and attention anyway so he lets richie love him.

the other complicated piece of it is in this fic and really in none of my others, eddie really underestimates richies intelligence. “for fuck’s sakes, eddie.” he rips his hands off of him and eddie feels the cold bit his skin where richie leaves it, “don’t lie to me,” he stands up, whipping off his shirt even though it’s apparent they’re not having sex that night. “i’m not a fucking child.” he uses the deodorant on eddie’s dresser. he trades shirts out for one in his black leather bag. he shuts eddie’s door behind him. he doesn’t know what hurts more, that he’s off to find another what’s-her-face, or that eddie has to make himself care about it.

richie is well aware eddie doesn’t love him back but richie is content to take what he can get. eddie doesn’t love him back because he doesn’t think richie will ever love him in the way he imagines being loved. in the way he imagines bill loving him, or bill being as a lover. richie does love eddie, but eddie doesn’t really acknowledge that because it is not what he has always imagined love to look like.

he just wants to be in love with richie tozier, who doesn’t love him, but in a different way. a survivable way.

when i wrote this i was having a lot of thoughts about hero worship and eddie and bill and didn’t really have a space in any of my other fics to dive into it. it wouldn’t have worked in on pointe as eddie didn’t desperately need a role model at that point in his life. &tfat! eddie has already well moved past that. tfoas bill was a huge fucking mess. i wanted to put thoughts out there on what happens when you spend a lot of time fantasizing. i think a lot of young (especially gays) do. the creation of this person in your head and exactly how they would love you is such a hard thing for any REAL person to combat. really i just wanted to get out some feelings about how fantasy can really disrupt real life. bill and eddie not interacting in the fic is purposeful. i wanted to show that eddie’s fantasies are sort of baseless, but he clings to them anyway. they feel safe, even if they hurt him.

& then the

eddie knows richie does this purposefully, takes all the real decision making out of his hands. he asks the question but lets eddie decide what the question even is.

this is the passage that really sums up why eddie and richie don’t work in this universe. richie doesn’t even see himself as an adult. he is childish and selfish and immature and eddie confuses all of that with him not having actual feelings for eddie which isn’t true.

again... if you’re left wondering what happens next... it’s kind of intentional bc i did want it to be able to be read multiple different ways? but i’m gonna talk about what i was thinking of when i wrote it.

the entire last scene is... what it is. i used it will come back and i hoped readers would take that as even as eddie says that this is the last time it’s gonna happen, that’s just not true. they are hopelessly codependent. eddie thinks as he leaves about things dying before they can grow again, but then he also puts on blackbird. because people. aren’t trees. we have to take the broken bits... the longing and expectations and hurt of our past and move on with it stuck to us because you can never truly just shed your past like a skin and move on. eddie knows that he has to let it (bill’s marriage) hurt him and let that pain and rejection be a part of him because it will be whether he acknowledges it or numbs himself out to the point he can’t feel it using whichever vice (alcohol, attention, sex.)

does eddie think there’s hope for them at the end of that au? no. does richie think there’s hope for them at the end of that au? no.

do i think richie & eddie might have hope in that au? yeah... actually. i think they’re twin flames they’re characters that lend themselves beautifully to fanfiction because i can always see them falling in love over and over again.

it would take a lot of growth and recovery of course but... both of them know that. at the end of the fic, richie is confronted with that he is an adult now, regardless of if he wants to be one, and eddie knows he has to take himself as he is and keep going if he ever wants to get forward. that’s mutually good places for the characters to be... even if the ending feels a little desolate. it’s not. it’s bleak & bare... but it’s hopeful. there’s a life waiting at the end of winter.

thanks for asking anon!! this was fun to talk about. i actually like that fic more than i like a good number of my old fics so it was a nice quick reread.

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idontevenknowmanidek · 5 years

Text

"I wanna be a star!" Pt. 1: Audition

Life as a porn star was nothing like Nita expected. She thought it was all orgasms and easy money, but her company had her working hard. 2 workouts daily, heavily regulated diet, and filming everyday. The money was good though.

From day one, everything was different than she expected. When she went to sign up to a talent agency, she thought she'd be walking in to some sleazy building filled with gross old guys, not that that wouldve stopped her from moving forward with her "acting' goals. But the building she walked up to was a tall, sleek no-nonsense type place. It was all bright and shiny and everyone there looked hotttt. It was hard to tell who was an actor and who was an office worker. She walked in to speak to the receptionist, who was a sweet, bubbly young woman by the name of Lisa, and was directed up to the 7th floor. Thats were interviews were held.

In the elevator the sounds of smooth jazz filled her ears and set her at ease. "This is awesome!" She thought. In no time, she was walking out into a well furnished office. It was somwhow dark and comforting at the same time. A man sat at the desk in the middle of the room, scribbling on some papers, but the sound of the opening elevator alerted him.

"Ah! You must be Anita Paul. Come, sit down." He stood as she approached and shook her hand. "Would you like a drink?" He gestured at a glass pitcher on his desk and she nodded. Smoothly, he poured a serving into two glasses and placed one in front of her. She thanked him as she took the glass and took a sip, surprised to taste orange seltzer water.

"Good isn't it?"

"Mhm! Wow, that was super refreshing!"

"I'm glad you like it Anita. Now, lets get started. My name is Grant Downing, or Mr. Downing if you so please. Tell me, what brings you to us today?"

"Oh, well... I'm a performer. Its all I've ever wanted to do in life, be in front of a camera. But I like having fun. Being in a drama or a rom-com doesn't interest me much, they arent as fun as... Well, this."

"Interesting. Since you like being on camera so much, would you mind doing the next section while video taped? I just need to see how the camera reacts to you, see you in action, you know?"

"Oh that is absolutely no problem, Mr. Downing." Anita adjusted herself in her armchair, flipping her long, dark hair behind her ears and sitting up straighter, so her breasts poked out a bit. Meanwhile, Grant was setting up a small tripod beside his desk. A little red light began to flash, letting her know the camera was on and rolling.

"Now, I'm going to ask you a few more questions and then, I'll run you through some exercises. Sound good?"

Anita nodded and beamed at the camera.

"So Anita, have you ever had sex before?"

The question made her smile fade a bit. It was times like this that she was grateful for her dark skin, noone could see her blush, but it didn't stop her from feeling the heat riaing in her cheeks.

"No, sir." She said, quietly.

"What a surprise. A pretty girl like you, still a virgin and at 24. Why does a virgin want to be a porn star?"

" Uhm, well... I've never had sex with another person, but ive had plenty of experience with sex toys and the like. I'm a very curious person, you see. I'm also cautious, so while the opportunity has presented itself in the past, ive never done more than hand jobs and other forms of outercourse."

"Thank you for sharing Anita. Next question. What is your sexual orientation?"

Anita let out a sigh of relief at the change of topic.

"I consider myself Queer."

"So, you wouldnt mind having sex with a man or a woman, cis or otherwise?"

"Oh not at all, Ive had partners with all sorts of different identities. Nonbinary, cis woman, trans woman, etc. I do tend to lean more femme in terms of my attraction, but i have dated men and masculine folks as well."

"Good, I'm glad youre open to different things. So, how do you feel about roleplay?"

"I think I might be most excited for that! It'll give me a chance to show off my acting chops and I'll get to try something new all the time!"

"Do you have any hard limits?"

'Hmm.. Yes, i dont think I'd like to do too much with bodily fluids or anything too painful. I dont mind a little pain here and there, but I think if it were geared towards sadism and masochism, i wouldn't be into it as much."

"Noted." Grant said, reaching over and scribbling something. He glanced at his watch. "How do you feel, Anita?"

Anita paused for a moment and thought. She felt good. Really good. She was comfortable in the chair and in front if Mr. Downing. Anita wasnt a prude or anything, but she typically wasnt the most forthright when it came to sex and her body. She guessed ti was just because it was her boss... er, possible future boss, that she was tlaking to that put her at ease. Its a job for porn, there are no secrets, she thought

"I'm feeling great, Mr. Downing"

"Good. Now, I'm going to ask you to list out some of your fantasies for me. While doing this, you may begin to feel aroused and thats perfectly okay. If you want to, you can touch yourself while talking abt these fantasies, but only above the clothes. Understand?"

"Yes, Mr. Downing. Uhm, I geuss my biggest fantasy would be a gangbang... I love the idea of being used by multiple people at once. All those hands over my body." Anita shivered at the thought. The warmth that was once in her cheeks moved lower, to a very different part of her body.

"I also fantasize about being tied up to once of those siban things, and having to ride that for a long time, orgasm after orgasm ripping through me."

"Keep going Anita, tell me more."

By this point, she was dripping with desire, it was as though a faucet had been left on.

"Mmm. I like the idea of using a double sided dildo on someone. One side in me, the other side in them and I'm using it to fuck them. And every thrust I give them, i also feel. Sometimes in this fantasy, there's someone else behind me, hitting it from the back, thrusting in time with me." Anita had begun to rub herself over her slacks. Why did i have to dress sensibly?

"Stop." Mr. Downing barked out, and Anita immediately stopped speaking and masturbating. "Thats enough of your fantasies, thank you. The question part is now over, time for some exercises."

"Stand up with your arms out and give me a spin." Without hesitation, Anita stood and spun slowly for Mr. Downing to see her. "Anita, take your clothes off." In no time, she stood before him, her slacks and blouse, crumpled on the floor before her. As her hand began to reach for her bra, he stopped her.

"Thats more than enough. Kneel, Anita. Legs spread wide." She lowered herself to the ground, settling in the position he described.

"Now we are going to see how well you can act. Grope your breasts and moan."

Her hands began to snake up her body, grabbing and pulling at her breasts through her lacy bra.

"Mmm, Ohhh." Her nipples began to harden and poked at her hands.

"Louder! More forceful. Come on Anita, you've seen porn before."

Anita redoubled her efforts moaning more loudly.

"Unnff. Yeah! MMMM!"

"There you go! Here, take it and use it. Youve got the job if you can come in less than a minute." He handed her a thick vibrator which she gladdly accepted. Turning it on to the highest setting, she got to work and starting playing with herself, moaning wantonly the entire time. 45 seconds in, she came mindshatteringly hard.

"Welcome to the family Anita. Now, take the elevator down to the bottom floor, you'll get your onboarding papers and watch the training video there."

He helped her up and uahered her towarsa the elevator.

"But.. My clothes?"

"Oh you wont need them now" he chuckled. With a smile and a wave, he sent her on her way

#hypnosis #my post #stars stories #audition #i want to be a star

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nctzenchuu-blog · 6 years

Text

Her favorite

Jisung/Reader

Genre: Slice of life(??), romance, drama

words: 2,855

Summary: It wasn’t that she never particularly expected him to have the characteristics of the standard ‘idol’ type that forced its way into the industry. The rehearsed greetings and responses that would make any girl swoon, but as he gave her a – what could only be described as choked,” Hello” on a Thursday night at her neighborhood’s corner store, the first thing that came across her mind was, “So his skin really is that damn good!?’’

A/N: Okay I haven’t written a fic since I was a freshman so clearly, I suck. However, enjoy this first chapter since I really liked the plot I came up for the story, which will be filled with slow burn lol. Also, this is a slight au because I aged up the characters to fit with the comeback for ‘GO’ because it seemed to fit better than me writing abt minors which is weird. So please don’t come for my ass bc this is not gonna be rated R lol.

also please leave a message or heart if you want to see more of this story!

Chapter 1: The night the moon said hello

“Because it was raining/ I thought of you/ Because I thought of you/ I was like that/ It didn't mean anything/I hide under an umbrella/And pass by your house/Because I wanted to feel/The emotions of the old days again.”

- Heize, you, clouds, rain

● ● ●

It would be an understatement to state that you wouldn’t have expressed the typical reaction any fan in your school would display if the – rather abrupt announcement that an idol group would be having a comeback this week should

provoke in you. However, it was clearly disregarded with a flushed expression, e by the rushed and thrilled whispers amongst your classmates, all visibly excited at the thoughts of seeing their handsome idols potentially holding a concert at your school. No, in fact you had almost damn near cracked the screen of your phone as you couldn’t believe the news that NCT’s subunit, NCT Dream, was having one of the, if not most talked about comeback in not only your school, but on the online forums as well.

NCT Dream, one of the newer idol boy groups in the industry, had been gaining a steady incline of popularity in their home country and globally. With the recent release of teasers for their new title track, “GO”, the group seemed to be a hot topic of conversation around you in class that morning.

Opening your backpack and reaching inside to gather your notebook and writing materials for the lecture your teacher would be giving over European monarchs for History class, you were temporarily halted by a small hand placed upon the top of your desk to gather your attention. Tearing your eyes away from the endless junk in your bag, your eyes trailed the arm of the person who distracted you, only to be face to face with your friend, Sunhye.

Face showing an obvious mirth with the small grin of her pastel coral painted lips, Sunhye greeted you with a bright, “Morning!” as you nodded in response, too tired to speak.

“Hey, pretty sure the news must have hit you by now. Don’t you think it’s awesome that NCT Dream is coming out with a new release? Jeno’s teaser was released today and I swear my heart really decided to fall out of my chest.” A hand was splayed across her chest while continuing,” Like, seeing him in colored contacts made me feel some type of things that only he could do.”

The humorous declaration of her opinion of the teasers bought out a whole-hearted laugh, seeing as it was no surprise to you about her undying love for the idol.

“If I tell you that I preordered three albums with the very high chance, yes, I calculated it, of getting Jisung’s photocard and his special poster at four in the morning screaming at my computer when it wouldn’t take my card doesn’t convince you, then you do not know how much I invest into this group.”

“Ah, you mean there’s the possibility of you getting into the fan sign they’re having this week, right? Jesus, if you somehow get in not only will I be indentured to you, but I’ll make sure Jisung won’t ever forget your face when you talk to him.” Sunhye declared with a ‘thumbs up’ gesture towards you.

“Sunhye,” you started, while smiling at the thought of meeting Dream happening. Fantasizing the thought of seeing the members and thanking them for everything they have done since debut, while holding hands or other silly things the idols would be sure to do as fan service brought about a chuckle within. Not only that, but the chance to see your idol in person was almost like taking a chance at winning the lottery- a rare chance that only a privileged group of individuals had the opportunity to do so, bringing forward a sense of anxiety and you wondered if you would even be selected when they announced the numbers that would be drawn for those who could attend the event. It was nerve-wracking. “Tonight, when you spend the night over at my house we might need to do a prayer that one of us gets drawn. If we don’t, we both might never see them at all.”

She called out your name with a sigh of exasperation, “Of course we will dummy, don’t you know how good my luck is with these things? I know we’ll both go-that’s a given. In fact,” she paused to pull out a crumpled bill of $20 and threw it at you to catch. An unspoken question of where she was going with this reflected in your eyes. “Twenty bucks says that you’ll see the love of your life before that and boom! Fate binds you two together.” With that, she gives a wave of departure and heads out your classroom when the bell rings, signaling the start of first period.

Looking at the monetary paper that was held in your palm, you could only scoff sarcastically that you would bump into Jisung, a popular idol, of all people in the streets. Yeah, the off chance that I would meet him only sounds like the cliché plotline of every drama airing right now-mhm, totally happening.

Your thoughts were interrupted when your teacher came into the classroom, beginning to write important notes about the topic today. Looking at the time on your phone, you became focused at the front of the classroom, easily forgetting the conversation you had moments before.

You waited at the front of the school, leaning against the rough surface of the gate for Sunhye as she had a student council meeting after school, and told you to wait for her when she was finished. With a long drawn out moan, you pulled up one of your social media apps, and began scrolling lazily on the screen to make the time go faster, skimming the posts from your online friends, and other accounts you followed. Eventually, your thumb halted on the screen as you read the words on the screen, absorbing the news that the music video for ‘GO’ would be released two days from now. Ah, you think, guess I’m staying up late again and skipping on homework.

Clicking the side of your phone to lock it, you heard footsteps heading your way. Raising your head up, Sunhye had stopped in front of you, honey brown hair moving around her from the light breeze of the afternoon.

“Sorry I’m late, student council discussed the upcoming schedule for the upcoming festival for the class we’re having next month,” she said quickly while adjusting the straps of her backpack on her shoulders.” I didn’t expect it to go on for that long, though. Can you forgive me?” she questioned softly, expecting you to respond negatively.

“I don’t mind Sun, it doesn’t bother me since we’re friends. However, I really can’t stand hanging around here any longer, so let’s starting heading to my house and we can do some homework. After that, we can put some sheet masks on and order some takeout because the new episode of our drama came out today.”

“All right, let’s get to it!” Sunhye says, linking her arm with you as the both of you walk back to your home, animatedly chatting about different things while the sun began its descent in the horizon.

It was already nine when you and Sunhye were sprawled all over your king size bed, accommodating the two of you, with more room to spare while watching the newest episode of the new drama that was a new obsession in your lives.

“Ugh- can she really be that dense? This girl clearly has no idea that the second lead is scientifically more fit to be with her. I mean-c’mon! He’s been with her since the beginning, even while she’s been hung up on the main who’s just an egotistical maniac. I swear, the script writers have no clue how to write a story.” Sunhye says with a mouthful of a hot wing, glaring at the television screen in front of her.

“As clueless as she is, I have a feeling she’ll realize that the other guy is the one she should focus on, not because she lost her chance with-what’s his name Minwoo? But because of everything they’ve been through. Hell, wasn’t the last episode showing a scene where she was thinking of him, while she was alone with Minwoo? Tsk- I don’t get this romance trope.” You rolled your eyes, looking at the preview for the next episode with disinterest, momentarily distracted by the sound of your stomach asking for more food.

A glance at the now empty box of wings the two of you ordered, and the whimpers Sunhye threw around claiming she was still hungry- only to ask her what, to which she responded with, “Ramen.” As ridiculous the request was, you had to agree you were craving that the sodium packed snack was a pretty good meal right about now.

Grabbing your baby blue jacket that hung on your chair by your bed you slipped it on, then proceeded slipping on your sliders. Standing, you went and grabbed your wallet and phone heading out towards the front of the door, letting Sunhye know that you were heading to the convenience store to grab ramen and a few other snacks, while she told you to be safe as she turned up the volume of a song that was on her playlist, unable to hear you closing the door.

The moon cascaded a soft light across the sky, illuminating your surroundings as you walked the ten-minute tread towards the store. Walking at a comfortable place, your mind went back to the conversation you had in the morning with Sunhye about meeting NCT Dream. It really would be insane if I magically ended up meeting Jisung out in the open, you thought, a smirk rising across your lips. As if, idols don’t just head out at night where they could easily be trampled by crazy fans.

Looking ahead, you realized you had reached your destination, grabbing the handle of the door and making your way inside, greeted by the cashier who was on his phone, tired and not particularly caring about the customers entering. Oh well, I would be the same, you thought to yourself, now thinking about getting the items you came here for.

After grabbing the ramen, you decided to head to the following isle, deciding to also purchase some sweets. Turning quickly before looking, you failed to notice a rather tall figure that was heading in your direction, effectively causing you to collide with the person’s chest rather forcefully and tripping on your own feet, falling. Everything happened so quickly because the next minute, you could feel the burning soreness on your back, and bright lights above you, wincing as you comprehended that you dropped your basket with your items.

Bringing a hand up to your face, you cursed under your breath, “What the hell? Asshole.”

Finally gaining a sense of awareness of your surroundings, you realized that a pair of large hands firmly gripped your shoulders was helping you up. Still annoyed about what happened, ready to let this bastard have a piece of your mind when you looked up, and suddenly your argument died in your throat before you could even utter a word.

You must have been dreaming. There was no way this was possible. Did you hit your head too hard and now you were hallucinating, or was it lucid dreaming?

Whatever was going on wouldn’t explain why an NCT member was right in front of you, with a grey oversized hoodie pulled over a beanie, black joggers, and a face mask covering half of the man’s face, looking at you with such an unreadable expression that you couldn’t help but wonder if he was concerned that you busted your back on the floor, or that you discovered his identity that he was an idol.

“Uh, are you J-Jisung?’, you whispered to him, more to yourself, thinking this was still part of your dream.

Now guess you owed $20 to Sun.

Well, the answer to your previous thought was the latter because the moment you spoke those words, the man visibly paled, his grip on you tightening.

The unnamed man’s eyes hardened because his response was a forceful, “Are you ridiculous? You bumped into me and asked a question as stupid as that? You should be apologizing for getting in my way- I don’t have time for this I have to be somewhere,” was the final response-cold- by the masked man as he pushed past you and paid for his items, quickly leaving the store as he got on a bike and pedaled in a direction where you lost track of him.

Still shocked from what just happened, you wordlessly picked up your basket, slowly trudging towards the cashier, not recognizing the concern etched across the young man’s face asking you if you were all right. Ignoring his question, you payed for your things, grabbing the plastic bag and headed back towards your neighborhood.

You felt numb. Cold, was what the temperature had dropped to. Many questions had fumbled inside your head, while the thumping of your heartbeat blocked all other noises, pounding loudly in your eardrums.

Unbeknownst to you, clouds had started to cover the light of the moon, making it harder to see in which direction you were walking. Not walking fast enough, you were caught under the sprinkle of a nightly shower of ran that increased the closer you were to the house.

That’s right, the weather did say it would rain-just my luck.

Drenched and anxious you slammed the door open, slides sloshing due to the water in them and dropping the bag on the kitchen table.

Sunhye ran out you room, hearing the slam saw your current state and headed towards you. “Oh my god! W-why are you soaking wet? What happened while you were gone?” Sun said, tone raised due to her panic.

“I owe you twenty bucks, Sun.”

“Why are you saying that there’s more important things to worry abou-wait. What!?” She screamed. She called out your name when you didn’t give her a response.

“I bumped into him, Sun. Quite literally too, I think I’ll have bruises on my back for a couple of days.” You said bitterly, looking down at your feet.

“You’re telling me you met Jisung? He’s your dream guy, shouldn’t you be – I don’t know happy?’ she questioned.

“Yeah, not anymore.”

“Why?”

“The dude’s an asshole Sunhye, I can’t believe the jerk walked out without apologizing! He pushed past me without so much as acknowledging his fault.”

“Oh no, I’m sorry,” Sunhye softly said, feeling sympathetic to your incident.

“I don’t want to see him anymore, I’m done being his fan.”

Making eye contact with Sunhye, you realized she was holding something back from you, unwilling to tell you it.

“What aren’t you telling me Sun?”

She sighed, nervously biting her nail, a habit since the two of you were in middle school. Her lack of response, made you wonder what was going on, as she was acting rather unlike herself.

Unlocking her phone, she swiped around until she found an email and put it in your hand. “Read it.” She said in a whisper, worried it would slice through the quiet air.

Peering at the screen you felt a burning agitation in your stomach, anger and sadness seeming to seethe from your pores, as you read the message:

“Congratulations! This is SM Entertainment and we would like to announce that your purchase of (2) NCT Dream “Empathy” Albums #23746 and #23742 have been drawn as participants to attend the ‘GO” fan sign on Thursday March 22, 2018. Thank you for supporting NCT and we hope to see you soon!

To confirm your attendance, information and instructions regarding the fan sign will be sent in the following email shortly.”

Guess this meant that fate really did work, but not in your favor.

#Jisung #nct dream #nct dream scenarios #nct #nct scenario #nct jisung #park jisung #nct 2018 #nct au #nct angst #jisung x reader #nct scenarios

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sinsfox · 6 years

Note

Care to tell us about Ban's depression and all?

yoko you just had to ask this since i mentioned it to you huh

OF COURSE I CAN TALK ABT IT

this is gonna get long, so ima put it under the cut but theres going to be content warning galore, but itll be tagged

im really not going to beat around the bush here.

i headcanon ban to have depression, but at this point, it seems to me to be implied that he does. would it be professionally diagnosed? fuck no. ban gives less than a shit about himself, i dont think he would be obligated to figure out why he feels hollow or dulled. why life is a bore, and he only ever feels alive in a fight or when hes ‘killed’.

to him its a feeling he can easily shrug off and ignore and he easily puts up a front of being the easy going, out there kind of guy that he is. eccentric and melodious in his tone, fight enthusiastic and seemingly taking his interest in whatever seems convenient at the time. stealing what he wants, even if its the clothes off someones back. drinking ale and laughing it up like no tomorrow until he passes out.

but at the end of the day, hes lonely. hes tired. despite the things that are fun that he does have fun with, its still hard to completely forget the void that he feels and how much duller things seem nowadays ever since the incident in the fairy kings forest.

it only got worse since that day.

his childhood was the start of it all.

his parents neglected him and his sister. his little sister died from starvation at four years old. that was the first time ban felt alone. his parents cared nothing for them. ban was used to try and obtain food for his mother and father, while not being allowed to eat himself. his father would beat him if he did eat. his father would beat him if ban even slept. it wasnt a good environment. ban ran away from home often.

then ban was caught stealing and was sent to prison and that was where he met zhivago and they escaped together. and ban took to secretly meeting zhivago whenever he could and was given food by him to eat. zhivago helped him survive. zhivago taught ban all he needed to know about thieving and even saved his life from starvation and from being kidnapped and almost being sold to a noblewoman who tortured and killed children.

zhivago adopted ban. he referred to ban as his son in a conversation with ban himself. telling him how he had one son named therion who was nothing like ban, a shy kid. and how he had another son named ban who was a troublemaker with a bad mouth.

hearing that made ban happy. and he felt like he had family again.

then one day when they were to do a heist together, ban got impatient and went on his own. and got caught by the guards and was beaten by them. and zhivago was handed two choices: save ban or save therion. ultimately zhivago made his choice and abandoned ban ( he was crying when he made his choice ) for the sake of saving his own son, which he was too late in doing.

that was the second time ban felt alone in the world.

years pass, ban is a bandit now. he goes after the fountain of youth after hearing talk of it in a bar. he enters the fairy kings forest. he persists in getting to the fountain. thats when he meets elaine. and in seven days he grew close to her and helped her battle her seven hundred years of loneliness. and he fell in love with her and was going to bring her brother back to the forest, and make him take her place so ban could take her away.

but then a demon attacked. and elaine, who ban wanted to save with the fountain of youth, fed the water to ban which made him immortal. and he kills the demon, but elaine dies before he can even begin to help her.

that is the third time ban felt alone in the world.

and he was heart broken.

its at this point in time that ban believe he cannot be close to anyone, for they are going to leave him. by dying or by abandoning him. he refuses to fight when he is arrested and accused of a false crime but what can he do. he has no proof against their claim, and they cannot do anything to an immortal being. so he takes the brunt of it all and allows himself to be executed over and over again in his time captured.

its at this point that ban wishes he could die. because he doesnt want to live. not when he had nothing to consider a family from his little sister dying so young, his parents neglecting and abusing him. zhivago was his ideal father, he never held a grudge against the man for abandoning him but it still left a hefty hole for ban to carry. and elaine was killed before him and she used the last of her strength to save him instead of herself.

he was powerless to stop any of this from happening. despite that he was only a child, that he was just a human.

meeting meliodas was another of the happier moments in his life. when the man busted him out of prison, literally punching him through the wall, ban knew immediately that meliodas was someone he did not want to lose. there was an interest gained in this man. ban didnt want meliodas to disappear on him. he didnt want him to leave like the rest.

of course history happens, ban gets imprisoned by the weird fangs when he hears that meliodas had passed ( a lie ). and he endures torture yet again to ease the emptiness that wracks his being. bans stated before that dying is just another part of life for him. a daily occurrence. hes mentioned before that hes felt like dying. that its been a long time since he felt like dying.

it doesnt change the fact that hes felt that way.

there are points in time where ban berates himself. degrades himself. hes called himself a bad person. hes referred to himself as a useless piece of shit. that hes powerless. that hes an awful friend. all in regards to being unable to protect those he loves and cares about.

ban cares little about his own well being. its why he fights as reckless as he does, aside from his immortality. ban does not care about himself. theres nothing he likes about him. theres… nothing. he feels nothing for himself. he doesnt even consider himself human anymore unless hes referred to as one.

one wouldnt even think ban feels or thinks this way considering the way he is, as i said before. its easy to think ban is someone who doesnt feel that way but really its been eating at him for over the entirety of his life. ever since his childhood. ever since elaine died.

and he has terrible ways of coping with it all.

ban drinks himself silly. he lets himself get brutally murdered just come back to life and have it done again when he fights. he seeks out getting arrested to endure torture to feel something than nothing. because hes so tired of feeling nothing.

but in the end, no one except meliodas and elaine ( and king ) are capable of telling really telling bans actual emotions and the way he feels. because around them he drops the face of the fox sin everyone knows. because hes tired. hes empty. he can fake a smile and really well at that. he can put on the face of excitement, the outgoing personality and passion he can exude when needed. but at the end of the day, those feelings and thoughts are still there.

ban has, since gaining immortality, fantasized about death. idealized it. wished he could die. because being immortal is boring. living and dying near constantly runs dry after a time and to think that dying is a daily part of life now is cruel to him when he wakes up like nothing happened.

it was worse when the rumor meliodas had died got around, after hed finally learned to be happy again after the loss of elaine.

when he learned meliodas was indeed alive, and was busted out of baste dungeon to reunite with meliodas, he was happy again.

when the ten commandments and demon clan were released from their seal, and melascula using her magic with the venegeful soul revival, elaine was resurrected and ban was able to reunite with her too, after quelling her anger and hate towards those who had spent their time around ban when she could note and melascula still being kept alive kept elaine alive.

ban was made all the more happier then, too.

but elaine can read bans heart like fairies can. meliodas can read ban like a book because theyre best friends and meliodas understands ban just as ban understands him. and hes able to be open with them, more so than anyone else.

they are the only two he can really be truthful with in regards to his emotions because they are the only two that he trusts enough to let his guard down around and let them see the side that he hides from everyone else.

because he doesnt need more people worrying or whatever in his mind. he doesnt need peoples concerns when hes fine by technicality because hes immortal and nothing will ever come of anything even if he tried to do something. his sense of self-worth is abyssal, he cares so little about himself. hed rather everyone around him be okay and happy than have people worrying over him because its something hes felt for a long time, a very long time. something hes dealt with all on his own ( until elaine and meliodas came into his life ) and hed rather not include anymore people in it.

ban has gotten the short and shit end of the stick too many times to count. hes lost people. hes been unable to save people. he feels powerless in situations he cant do anything to change or fix. he berates himself over these things.

and he tries to keep others out of it because its not something they should deal with, its his own problem. but its hard to deal with it when he doesnt want to. he wants it to go away, he wants to stop feeling and thinking it. but its hard when its constant and he cant do anything about it. aside from drown himself in ale and liquor. and fight so recklessly and with abandon because hell be fine, hell come out unscathed and it gives him something to better focus his energy on than the hollow dull ache in his chest.

thats about the long and short of it

#cxrsedsilence #*letters. ⟨ ask. ⟩#*record information. ⟨ headcanon. ⟩#theres rlly content warning all over the place for this #jesus christ but anyways #suicide mention cw.#abuse mention cw.#death mention cw.#alcohol mention cw.#UH LEMME KNOW IF I NEED OTHER TAGS FOR THIS I THINK THOSE ARE THE BIG ONES HERE THOUGH

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theoriginalbread · 3 years

Text

Venting

TW: domestic violence/abuse, childhood trauma (abuse, neglect, etc.), abandonment, depression, self harm, suicide, PTSD; a whole bag of issues, clearly

⚠️⚠️⚠️ You have been warned! ⚠️⚠️⚠️

Scroll until the colored text to skip!!!

I got really high last night and suddenly got super sad that my entire childhood was robbed from me. I remembered that I used to take care of my baby brother, since he was in his diaper, and he was the best thing in my life at the time. I got to play with my best friend as he grew up and developed skills until he would get to be as smart as, and maybe even smarter than, my older brother and I. I remember feeling so much love for him. I was so excited and that’s about the last real feeling I remember from my childhood. Since then it’s been a slow and steady incline into “maturing” faster than other kids.

I remember how often my mom wouldn’t come and pick me up from school. I would wait and wait in the hot sun on the corner of the school street she instructed me to stay at until she came to get me. She would be there about 60% of the time. Enough for me to get familiar with the route home in case I needed to walk home. I walked home, alone, as a little child, often. And I don’t think I ever felt scared, more like anxious. What would I find out when I get home? Would there be a home? Would my mom be okay? Would my dad be yelling again? If nobody was home, they couldn’t reach me. Some days, I would get home to find no one was home and since I was small, an elementary school child, they wouldn’t give me a key. I would wait outside the house for hours and then cry to my neighbors and ask them if they’d seen my parents leave or if they could help me find them or if they’d let me in. I was ignored by them a lot too. They didn’t want to deal with a crying kid who wasn’t theirs. I never saw the inside of the house they were in because I only ever saw the front door and the window. My mom never scolded me or even acknowledged my feelings. I received no comfort.

I had to start using my brain much more to ignore things around the house and in the family than before. I had to try and keep the act up to not alert anyone that I knew too much. I remember how heartbroken I used to feel when I would see my mom cry and hear my dad yelling. Or how scared I felt when my mom told me if we ever heard them yelling at each other again to just go into the room and put on music real loud. (Trauma based tinnitus anyone? 🤲🏽 Can’t get that fucking ringing out of my ears)

I was confused. I cocked my head at that statement, like a dog, trying to learn new commands. I don’t think I ever got over that exact moment in time. My heart races, miles and miles per hour, at the sound of my parents raising their voices, in jest. In normal conversation. A laugh, through headphones and muffled, sounding too close to a yell and my head starting to spin, my knees lose their strength.

I used to think that I deserved to feel the way I did, at fucking NINE YEARS OLD. I was depressed. I was so horribly depressed I fantasized about dying at school. And I don’t mean intrusive thoughts, I mean genuine fantasy. I would be so lost in fantasy thinking about how much it would mean to people and how sad they would be at my death and that finally they would see that I’m worth their time and affection. So god damn terrible.

That was elementary. Middle school wasn’t any better. In fact it got worse. Yelling matches with my dad almost every other day. I’d pick a fight over everything that I could. I hated him so much. He would always slap me and try and intimidate me, but as stubborn as he made me, I’d never back down. I would double down and yell louder and call him names and watch him break down and cry because he only wanted to be a good father and he hated the way we had become. But I never bought that angle. I hated him so much.

Immediately I’m transported to the night I was on the computer in the living room, laughing and playing with friends. Mom bursts out of the room screaming at the top of her lungs, followed by my father, face so red you’d think he was about to burst. Scream crying her best attempt at a sentence, “he’s going to hit me” and I did not think and I did not take time to listen and immediately put myself between him and her and tried so hard, my one hundred and twenty pound self, against a man, at least a hundred pounds heavier than I, to halt his approach on my mother. My older brother came rushing over to my aid as my younger brother held my mother and backed further and further away while my older and I tried our best to stop my father from moving forward. He didn’t even see us. Whatever the issue, whatever it was that caused him to turn into these fucking demon, he didn’t even acknowledge his own children trying to prevent bloodshed. He was screaming so loud I felt my ears burn after each sentence. He pushed my brother and I aside like rag dolls and yet we both kept pushing him back and harder and at one point I even considered punching him. I’ve never wanted to hit somebody so bad in my life, and that’s On EVERYTHING. I hate violence and he made me want to punch him until his nose broke because of how blind he was.

That’s probably one of the most traumatic days of my entire life, family wise anyway. For months after, he didn’t step foot into our house. He had to fix his shit. Nobody said anything. We just did our best to pick the pieces up and keep moving and helping my mom relax.

For the longest time after, I had problems with my mom. Oh yeah, she’s not so innocent either. I feel terrible for all she’s been through, but it’s not an excuse for how she treated me too. Scratching me and throwing my head into the wall. Yelling at me that I’m just like my father and throwing my phone onto the floor so damn hard it shattered into pieces and spread everywhere into the room. Pieces of glass hit me and I was afraid I’d been cut and she instead checks on my younger brother, in the top bunk of our bunk bed, and apologizes so much and tells him she loves him so much and not to be afraid. She left the house that night, in the middle of the night, and went driving to god knows where and blamed the whole thing on me. She told my dad that I pissed her off because I didn’t listen to her and called her names and none of that was true, obviously. I told her that night I didn’t want to give her my phone because I can’t wake up on time without the alarms. She felt I was undermining her authority by not immediately giving it up. My father came the next day, mad as hell and he slapped me. Told me to apologize to her for all that and I told him, “no, because I didn’t do anything and she hurt me.” He scoffed and went to go talk to her. My mom ignored me for a week after. She didn’t feed me and she didn’t look in my direction. It took a long time for her to talk to me, and she didn’t let it go for months. Years later, I asked him if he knew why I never apologized, then told him about what she did and he said he had no idea. They fought that day. I left the house screaming and crying and having a panic attack. I went to my girlfriend’s house and I slept it all away, blocking both their numbers and trying so hard to will myself dead.

I have so much more to say but I can’t dump everything on the internet. I just feel like I can’t tell anyone this, and obviously there’s a time and place for even the slightest mention of any sort of childhood experiences, but idk. I don’t feel like anyone else understands me and I’m not sure if that’s internal or not. I can’t tell, cause even when I’m with some of my close friends, I feel all they do is talk abt their stuff and ask after they feel they’ve overshared or that they heard what they wanted to hear. And then by the time I get the nerve to start saying what I want to, something else comes up and the topic is gone.

I know I need a therapist, this isn’t new info and it isn’t shocking but man I just need to say it somewhere, ya know? I just can’t keep it inside forever. That thing that people say, “trauma keeps you at the age you experienced it”….that applies to me so hard lmao.

I just wanted a fucking hug man. And my tears wiped away and my damn emotion acknowledged.

If anyone makes it this far, thank you. I hope this wasn’t too long and that it didn’t set off any alarms. Take care of yourself, please?

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End of post!

#mine #8:11 am #writing #tw #tw vent #ptsd #abuse #trauma

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