#and nothing about values Jesus actually talked about?
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This week, Supreme Court Justice Samuel "goes on expensive fishing trips with republican megadonors" Alito decided to use an official Supreme Court order to once again rail against same-sex marriage and the entire concept of safeguarding queer rights.
It was all in response to a case the Supreme Court declined to hear involving the dismissal of 3 potential jurors who claimed that they had been unfairly passed over (yes they're complaining about not being selected for jury duty) due to their religious beliefs. The case involved a woman who was suing her employer for sexual discrimination and retaliation after she started dating the ex-girlfriend of a male coworker. The 3 potential jurors that had not been selected had stated a belief to the court that homosexuality is a sin.
Rather than commenting on the obvious bias three potential jurors had against a party in the case, Alito instead spent five pages ranting about the sheer injustice that had been done to them. The case, he said, fully exemplified the "danger" that he'd predicted back in 2015, when the Supreme Court had legalized same sex marriage nationwide (in a slim 5-4 vote, I will remind):
"Namely, that Americans who do not hide their adherence to traditional religious beliefs about homo-sexual conduct will be labeled as bigots and treated as such by the government."
Again this was a case in which a court ultimately decided that maybe people who believed that homosexuals were sinful shouldn't sit on a case in which one of the parties was one such "sinner." That sounds pretty fair to me; they didn't call them bigots, or evil, or throw them in jail. The court just decided that maybe they weren't a good fit for that particular case. For that particular plaintiff.
But no, a Supreme Court Justice, someone who is supposed to be a scholar of law, turned it in his mind into a government assault against "people of good will."
Never forget how narrow that marriage equality decision had been. Never forget Alito and Thomas are still salty about it 9 years later and have stated in public multiple times they want to revisit this decision. Just like Roe, just like Miranda Rights, just like the Voting Rights Act - they will gut civil rights and established precedent on the altar of their Originalism and make us beholden to the tenets of their personal Gods.
And they're doing it in public too, so they can signal to everyone who thinks like them to keep trying, you have friends here. You have a sure chance of victory.
At the very least, the lesbian with mad game won her case.
#Samuel Alito is still an Originalist Piece of Shit#Supreme Court#US Supreme Court#Homophobia#Religious Liberty#is just just draping your beliefs with a cloak of righteousness#where are court cases against cities that make it illegal to feed the hungry and homeless?#where are the court cases against Texas or Florida about the dignity of refugees?#why does ''Religious Liberty'' always mean ''My right to treat people like Less Because God Says So''#and nothing about values Jesus actually talked about?#all they want the law to do is protect themselves and THEIR interests - and bind everyone else#Christian Nationalism#Originalism
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you go back to the old house, but you've been locked out
jacaerys velaryon/strong x fem!reader (modern!au)
summary: when your boyfriend finds out that you have never celebrated christmas before, he invites you to have your first with his family.
warnings: *do not read if you have any of the triggers* artist!reader, poc coded reader, depictions of mental illnesses, domestic abuse, physical abuse, mentions of suicide attempts, mentions of ED, mostly fluff, NSFW (SMUT! MINORS DNI!!), blackcat!reader and goldenretriever!jace, only rhaenyra's children with harwin exists in this au, title and fic inspired by There must be more than blood by Car Seat Headrest.
wc: 17.4K
a/n: this is for my babies who think they're unlovable of some sort, you are not too much or not enough, and you are completely lovable and you will find the rght kind of love for you one day.
When you first told Jacaerys that you have never actually celebrated Christmas before, you didn't think it would pull out such an intense reaction.
You've been dating him for about 4 months now, the two of you agreed to take things slow under your request, but by this point, you both have grown comfortable enough around each other to move forwards past the small talk stage.
And it is in these moments that you genuinely wonder if all the new small details and information about yourself that you had initially held from him before would cause any issues within the relationship. For example, the fact that you've never celebrated Christmas, or how you have an antipathy for your birthday and double dates. You also don't believe in celebrating annual anniversaries.
In the second month of your relationship with Jace, you discovered how important anniversaries were to him and it was an honestly amusing idea to you. But after you noticed how disappointed he was to find out that you didn't care for the special day, you decided to let his predilection for it prevail.
Plus it was just like having an extra special date every month that you didn't have to pay for, what's the harm in that?
Upon finding out that Christmas was a foreign concept to you, he asks you if it was a religion thing at first. You weren't particularly religious, nor are you against it in any way, then he asked you if it had anything to do with the whitewashing of Jesus Christ. You laughed until you realized he was serious.
"No, it's nothing to do with the whitewashing of Jesus of Nazareth." He raised a brow in suspicion. "Are you sure? Cause if it is then I fully support you." You smiled and him and shook your head in assurance. "I've just never celebrated it for some reason."
"But why?" He asked again, pushing for a good answer. Jace loved christmas, that one was easy to tell. You're just not sure if it's because he had strong family values and loved spending time with his family or because he really loved gifts and knew that he'd get good ones every year thanks to the fact that he is rich.
"My family never celebrated christmas, so I never did." You answered decisively. "Are they superstitious or something?" You replied no. "I guess my parents just didn't see what good it can do besides making a waste of money." Your financial situation was a touchy topic, you could see him leaving it at that, ending the interrogation. "So what'll you do on this 30th?" He asks instead.
"What I always do, stay at my apartment, maybe go on a shopping trip with all the Christmas discounts." His eyes widen in horror as if you've just told him that you had killed a man. "You're spending Christmas alone?" You could laugh at his worry if you didn't think that it would hurt his feelings. "Well, my roommate is flying back to her hometown."
"So, why don't you fly back home too? It's not just christmas, the semester break is over 2 weeks." You shrugged and went over some excuses in your head before settling for one. "Believe me, they'd rather I stay here and focus on my studies. There'd be no point anyway, since you know, I don't celebrate Christmas." His lips thinned as he analyzes you in the most obvious way possible, making you groan internally in your head.
Jace was a problem solver. You learned that very quick into your relationship.
He always tries to make the best out of every condition he's put into. And you can tell how much the idea of you being alone for two weeks bugged him. "Two weeks flies faster than you'll realize, I'm telling you Jace, I'm used to this." Oh that wouldn't cut it for him. "What if you came home with me?"
You blinked at him in confusion, his words registering very slowly. "No." You say the first thing you thought of.
His mouth makes an O shape in offense. "Why not?" You rolled your eyes. "You ask that question a lot." "If you answer me for real this time, I won't ask you that again for at least 5 days." You fought back a smile. "Fine. Because it's weird." He frowned. "No it's not, why would it be?"
"Because I've never met your family before, Jace." He shrugged in a careless manner. "Well, there's no time more perfect than Christmas."
Everything is so easy with you, you thought to yourself. Sometimes you wondered if he has ever been caught up in the anxiety of things possibly not going his way for at least once in his life. You weren't bitter, it's genuine curiosity. Jacaerys looked like the type of person who has never been afraid to take a chance with new and risky opportunities. One of them being you. He is either very lucky or very positive. Which in the case of him being incredibly privileged, both.
You took a deep breath before settling your back against the plush of the cushion of your hallway. He understood the indescribable look you gave him and leaned in to place his hands on your shoulder.
"My mom has wanted to see you for ages, there's nothing to be nervous about, I swear." You cocked your head at him. "You've already told your mom about me?" He grinned. "Yeah, she thinks you're pretty. "
Your eyes widened. "You showed her my picture?" He nodded. Oh well, this was inevitable, you told yourself. Really, can you even blame him? Every course of action he has taken so far has only proved himself to be as good as you figured he was from the moment you two met each other. Well at least his mom thinks I'm pretty.
It wasn't that you hated people or disliked socializing so much, moreso that it was just state of normalcy for you. You have friends of course, and you talk to other people, but up until you met Jace, all the other people in your life have always been viewed as a convenience. Association by luck and not exactly a friendship grounded by any sort of deep connection or intimacy.
You gave up trying to pursue or look for that kind of relationship a long time ago. And just when you expected it the least, Jacaerys came into your life and somehow managed to become an intregal part of it. 4 months later, you wonder if it's too early for you to confess that you're unable to really remember your life before him.
You let out a sigh, letting him pull you closer. "Is it not too fast? If this is because you don't like me staying alone, I swear I'm used to it." He didn't say anything at first and only embraced you with his chin resting over your head.
He was either thinking deeply about whatever you just said or he's waiting for you to give in. "2 weeks is a long time, I wouldn't even want to be around my family for 2 weeks." You say, trying to get him to relent.
"We leave on the second week of the break then. We could stay here for the first." It wasn't a bad suggestion, and you know it's not fair to him for you to be holding up all the cards. He deserves to have a say in certain things, and one week with his family sounded like a good compromise.
"I'll think about it." You told him at last. And by the look of his face, he knows he has won. He lowers his head down to kiss you, and you welcome it with ardor.
—
You first met Jacaerys 6 months ago at a frat party. Your project partner Cregan had invited you over, even knowing that oarties were never really your thing. But you were having a bad day and thought, why not?
On your way to the bathroom, you bumped into him. The two of you walked in opposite ways right onto each other. He apologized profusely and had taken your abrasive wave off hand as you made your way to the bathroom as a sign that you were offended. So he waited until you were done peeing so he could apologize again.
You were 5 drinks in dazed and confused, not exactly drunk but not really sober. You figured he probably wanted to hook up because who the hell apologizes this much for bumping into someone. So you glared at him and told him to fuck off.
You never saw him again for the rest of the party. But about 30 minutes later, you decided you were done with the badly remixed disco music and alcohol that tastes like fruit punch and wanted to return to your apartment. You weren't staying in dorms since you managed to rent a place nearby with another girl who was studying at the university too. And although it was much further from campus compared to the dorms, it was considered a walking distance.
How lucky you were that he ended up driving by the road you took walking home. You were prepared to flip him off when he turned his window down, asking if you needed a ride. But once you slowed down to actually look at him, you noticed a certain kind of sincerity in his eyes and gave in.
It wasn't often that you get to meet people who were kind for the sake of being kind. Most people are leeches. But not him.
Neither of you said anything throughout the whole ride except when you thanked him before getting off the car. You didn't think you'd ever see him again after that night. But like fated ropes intertwining, he was the first person you saw in your lecture the next day.
He waved at you from the back seat. You stared at him with squinting eyes to make sure it was the right person before you went back to ignoring him. He ended up moving his seat to the front more and more everytime the two of you had the class again, until 2 weeks in, he finally seated himself next to you. "Are you always this persistently annoying?" You had asked him then. "Only with the ones I like" It was stupid, and cliche and most disgustingly, cute.
And so with every encounter, you began to let your guard down and allow the relationship to naturally take it's own course. 2 months later, you officially started dating one of the most fawned over boys on campus.
Its 6.30am on a Sunday as you jog through the quiet streets behind your apartment building. You wiped the sweat off your forehead with the back of your hand, the heat turning your face red. 30 minutes from now, the roads will begin to flood with people walking to work or going on their own daily run. You know this because you've lived here for 3 years now.
When you decided to study at King's Landing University knowing it'll cost an expensive 3 hour flight for every time you'd want to go back home, it was an obvious decision both to yourself and to your family that you weren't really planning on coming back at all.
For all of 3 years you've been studying here, you had only flown back twice. And neither of those times felt worth the money you paid them for.
If this house suffocates you so badly, we'll see how far you'll survive out there all alone. Your mother had said to you 3 days before you went to college for your first year.
You had proved her wrong with your resilience, but at what cost? Your younger sister doesn't remember how you look like, and your older brother still takes every opportunity presented to him to try and belittle you every time the two of you meet.
Your father was ignorant, uncaring. And your mother? She loves you so much, with every bitter insult she throws your way and every provocation she purposely does just to get a reaction.
When you were 13 years old, she had told you to swing yourself off the highest building in response to you accidentally breaking her favourite plate. And at 16, she found herself crying by your bedside after your failed overdose attempt. At 18, she had spat on your face and announced that for as long as she lived, you would never know a life free of guilt and pain without her blessing as a mother.
At 19, The two of you hugged each other for the last time forever before you decided to never look back at that old haunted house.
You slowed down the pace of your jog, interchanging it with casual walking as you take in the sight of the rising sun. How many times have you walked these dewy streets that smelled like trees and dried rain? Too many to count. And yet, as much as you had tried to make a home out of this place, the isolating feeling that surrounded you daily was persistent.
It was the tiny voice in the back of your head saying, don't forget, these people aren't your people, and the face you put on every day that you're here isn't your own.
Loneliness was a kind of misery, but the hollow reassurance and comfort that came with proving yourself right every time a friend leaves you, or a man you thought was interested in you doesn't stay for the night, seemed to be the only constant thing in your life. That was until you met Jacaerys, of course.
You pause the music being played through your earphones, stretching your neck right after and deciding that you're ready to go home.
The flight to Dragonstone was in 3 days and you haven't really began packing. How much stuff did you need for a one week trip anyways? It was one of those moments that made you too anxious to do anything which ends up making you feel even more anxious because you haven't done anything. You do a turnaround and start walking back to your place as you reshuffle your morning playlist. A text from Jace pops up as your phone dings;
J: want 2 get breakfast in 20?
You swiped your phone open as you keep walking on a medium pace, replying with a quick OK.
It was a routine the two of you have build for over 2 months now, you'll do your 40 minutes morning jog and he'll be outside your building just in time for you to be done with your shower, eager to get some breakfast.
You're grateful for his company, it had become something you looked forward for daily. And for someone who has went through a fair share of disappointments, you really hope that this one would work out.
Anxiety plagued your thoughts as you rethink the idea of meeting his family for Christmas, what if they all thought you looked different than your photos? What if you say the wrong things or make the wrong joke and they think you're indecent? What if you say nothing and they all think you're boring?
The walk back home tired you enough to forget about those questions momentarily, but being given enough time to overthink once you reached your apartment and jumped into the shower, you figured you'd talk this out with Jace later.
He would probably just end up saying something sweet and useless like 'don't worry, just be yourself', but it's better than nothing.
The mirror becomes your worst enemy this morning, Fill in The Blank is playing from your phone as you stare at your dead eyes and immortalized eyebags. The only thing staring back at you is a reflection of a tired child. To grow up in a constant state of pain and to still be scared and hurting even after the war has ended was an everyday battle.
Because in your head, and even when you're sleeping, the war replays itself until you're worn out from it. You constantly remind yourself that you are now free, but sometimes the memory of it feels so alive that you end up making a prison of yourself despite the falseness of the alarm going off in your head.
Slipping a black t-shirt over your head while you make an estimation of how long it would take Jace to get here, you also let your mind stray for a bit, wondering if it all would've been easier if you were someone else. If Jace had dated someone else.
Maybe, maybe not. It didn't matter, because in the end you were still you, and you've only got yourself to work with.
You were drying your hair when you received another text from Jace saying taht he had arrived. Turning off the hair dryer, you sent a quick text back telling him that you were still getting ready and that the extra key was under the mat outside your door.
You could hear the front door click open 5 minutes later as you're finally done getting ready.
Exiting your room, you found him waiting by the kitchen, helping himself on some oreos that you just bought yesterday.
"I hope you're planning on paying me back for those cookies." You joked from the hall as you pulled out your hoodie from the coat hanger, slinging it over your shoulder. "I'll be paying you with my wonderful presence." He retorted back.
Once you found your purse, the two of you finally left the house to get some real food. After a few rounds of suggestions, you opted for a nearby cafe for some pancakes, though Jace ended up ordering some waffles instead.
The whole place was very secluded and smaller compared to the other cafes and diners in the area, but the meals were good and they were cheaper than the others too. You felt beyond lucky when you realized that it was just you both there in this hour. There were two other girls seated from the opposite of your table, but it was quiet enough to your liking.
"Are you done packing?" Jace asked expectedly. He was increasingly thrilled at the prospect of celebrating Christmas together with his family and his girlfriend. You shook your head no whilst you slurp up your strawberry milkshake.
"I'll start packing this evening." "Don't forget to bring a charger, and socks, because it'll probably be cold by the time we get there- oh, also you need a winter coat, and no slippers, only boots, do you want me to make you a list?" You smiled at him in amusement and answered no.
"I already made a list, I know what to bring, don't worry." He was worried, or maybe that's not the right word. No, he was excitable. "What about your parents?" He asks suddenly, causing you to pause in surprise. "What about my parents?"
He shrugged and inched closer to the table. "Have you told them you're coming with me for the semester break?" You relaxed your face, shrugging off the shocked expression you initially wore. "I don't think it's necessary, even if I wasn't going with you, I still wouldn't be going home either."
"Oh, okay." The silence was ineffable. You could hear a silent question that he didn't dare ask; why?
Your family was a rarely spoken topic in your relationship with him. It was easy to not overthink it at first, but you knew that Jace had noticed how you try your best to never bring them up.
"Plus-" you felt the necessity to add, "-they would probably be against the idea if I did tell them about it." He shares a look of curiosity, expecting you to elaborate. "My parents are kind of a strict." You chose to say. "So, they don't know that we're dating?" You shook your head. "They sound protective of you." He says it so confidently that it made you laugh dryly.
A bitter smile was painted over your face as you kept your eyes on the food. "Controlling, would be a more fitting term."
When you finally looked up to meet his gaze, you could tell there was more he wanted to ask, or comment on, but you weren't in the mood to start explaining your lore to him. Thinking about your family made you nauseous, and you really wanted to eat the pancakes without throwing up. "Believe me, its better this way." You concluded, making sure he won't have room to continue.
"Anyways, aren't you the one who should be briefing me about your family." Jacaerys grinned and seemingly forgot about your earlier conversation immediately. "There's not really much to say, you know my brothers Luc and Joffrey? They're pretty young, little rascals but harmless most of the time." You nodded earnestly, encouraging him to go on.
"My mom and dad are excited to meet you, you have nothing to worry about, I'm honestly more scared that they'll end up preferring you than me."
You snorted at that. "Ah yes, I do have a reputation with old people. Do you think it's my beautiful face?" He pretends to think for a moment before responding, "Well it can't be your charming personality." A laugh burst out of you at his words, causing you to receive a glare from the girls from the other table. You gasped out suddenly, remembering a small detail you've never discussed before. "I should bring gifts right?" A look of realization passes over Jace's face at the same time.
"I mean it's Christmas, I've never done it before, but I know presents are a thing."
Jace was quick to interject, telling you it's no need. "They wouldn't care, our tradition is all about spending time together, presents are just courtesy." He explained.
"Yes well, I should get them gifts as a courtesy then." He opens his mouth to argue but you shut him down immediately before he could. "I won't get anything crazy, it's just courtesy like you said." A lot of people might perceive you as nonchalant and uncaring, but the truth was you've always been the person who cares too much until it backfires.And as much as you wished you weren't so desperate to make a good first impression, you do want to, deep in your heart you knew that.
"Okay, fine, if you want to. But you can just get them some keychain or mugs, especially for my brothers, they're already being spoiled enough." You smile gratefully for his cooperation and agree on his terms.
—
One of your favorite terms in the world is the term "white lie." Any lie is excusable if you call it a white lie. It was a form of manipulation that you were used to being given. At first, you implemented it in your life as a way to please other people. A way to become more likeable and less of a burden.
You spent your whole teenage life trying to earn bits and pieces of your mother's love.
No, I'm not mad that you didn't get it for me and only bought one for my brother. Yes, it is my fault that I'm too sensitive and defensive every time we argue. No, I can't remember the last time you ever hit me. Not even the one time from last week when you pulled me by my hair, dragging me to the bathroom and used the water hose on me.
The truth soon became the most dangerous thing in your life. Candor wasn't appreciated in your home. You must watch your mouth and accept what you are given gratefully.
The cycle lasted for years until you turned 16. You had grown strong enough to push her back every time she tried to land a hit on you. Strong enough to know what to say to make it hurt for her too.
The white lies soon turned into a form of protection. No, I wasn't smoking weed under the bleachers after school hours just because it felt safer there than it does in my room. No, I don't know why I'm being written down for failing several subjects consecutively for the whole year, I thought I was doing just fine. No, I know you're doing all of this because you love me.
No, I don't think I can book a flight home for 5 days. I just got a new job, there's too much shit to do.
You stare down at your phone, the unread text stared back at your face.
M: I don't blame you for not wanting to come home, but if you want to, you can.
The only message you've gotten for her for the whole year. Her ego wouldn't force her to plead for her only daughter to come back. So she plays saint and paints you as the girl who grew up too fast and forgot all about home.
I love you, mom. You wanted to say. Love wouldn't be enough.
When was the last time she ever said that she loved you? You can never recall. It definitely wasn't the day before you went to college. No, the night before was spent holding you from behind as the two of you slept in your childhood bed. She had her face in the crook of your neck and you heard her whisper when she thought you were asleep; you were my mirror, and I'm sorry I broke you into pieces just so it'd match my cracks.
She laid with you for a few more minutes before getting up to leave. You cried until dawn and never got a wink of sleep right after.
You expected the newfound freedom to feel exhilarating, but instead, you felt more out of place during the first week at the university than you did at home. It was comical, ironic, how the only pair of hands you wanted to comfort you were the same ones that had beaten bruises on your skin. I miss you, you almost texted her.
Was it still considered a white lie or a form of manipulation if the only person you wanted to trick was yourself? No, I'm not upset that she never called or texted to ask if I've safely landed. No, I never wonder if she regrets everything she's done to me. No, I don't hate her so much sometimes that it could be translated as a child throwing a tantrum just to get their parents to pay attention to her. No, I don't like having one night stands just to know what it's like to be touched without being inflicted with pain.
No, I never wake up from dreams of you loving me the same way you loved your son and consider it a nightmare instead.
But of all times you've dreamt of her, this time you woke up from it with the only person you wanted comfort from, still sleeping next to you. And for the first time since you could remember, it was not your mother.
Your eyes remained on your phone screen, hung up on every word of the message. Glancing once at your boyfriend, you turn back to your phone to switch it off before you move to lay back under the covers.
---
It was 8 days before Christmas. Watching snow fall from the sky was somehow more magical than getting to sit on a first class plane for the first time
You tried to take pictures from above, but the snow didn't look as clear and visible through the phone as it did from your eyes.
You're hands are fully gloved, with your little bunny designed ear muffs that Jace bought for you a few days ago.
"I feel like that thing from Big Hero 6." You told him before leaving. "His name is Baymax, put some respect on it." Was his response before he pinched your cheeks with both hands.
4 hours later, the two of you are strapped in comfortable seats, the cold getting stronger, and you're both grateful for the winter jackets you had on.
"It's so beautiful." You spoke, looking out from the small window. "Yeah, beautiful." When you twisted your neck to look at him, he was already staring at you. "What?" You asked. He shrugged, face blank. "Nothing."
Neither of you broke eye contact. Your frown deepens as you try to figure out what has trying to tell you. He blinked. You were gonna ask what again until it hit you. "Jace, no."
"I didn't even say anything." He whined, defending himself. "We're not having sex on a plane." "See, I didn't even have to say it, you were just thinking the same thing." You fought the urge to roll your eyes, cocking your head to the side, baffled at his suggestion.
"Do you know how many germs there are on this plane?" He shrugged again. "It's first class." You throw your hands up in frustration. "It's times like these that I remember you're a jock." He should've been offended, but he was still confused about what you mean.
"This place is full of germs, it's not even advisable to wash your face or do skin care on a plane because that's how dirty the air is." You patiently explained, watching him get more confused. "But we're not doing skincare, we're doing each other." You turned away, groaning loudly with your eyes closed.
"You're so boring." He complained like a child. "I'm also gonna snitch on your mom if you don't get your shit together." He snorted at that, pulling out his headphones out of his small slingbag. "She won't believe you, I'm her baby." "Yeah, you are a baby."
His head snapped at you immediately, before he could come up with a smart response that probably would have to do something to do with his penis, You pushed his head back to the other side, patting his cheeks like you would a toddler and quickly put on your headphones.
He turned around again and said something, but at that point you already turned up the volume. "Sorry, I can't hear you baby." He stuck his tongue out in annoyance. You thought you heard him mutter 'baymax looking ass' but didn't react as you didn't want him to think he won.
The flight was 2 and a half hours long. You were sure you could stay awake for that amount of time, but once the flight attendant brought out the heated blanket, the both of you were down in 5 minutes.
The pilot said something through the comm that you were too sleepy to hear once the plane had finally reached the destination. You wiped your eyes with the back of your fists groggily and began shaking Jace to wake up while yawning.
The first nudge did nothing, you started tapping him on the shoulder, which by the 6th tap, you finally got a response; "5 more minutes please."
Only when you leaned closer into his ears and blew air into it does he jolt up, eyes wincing. "That tickles." He murmured, wiping his hand over his tired face. "We're about to land." You informed him, taking your headphones off and passing it to him to keep in his bag. "Okay."
You were honestly eager to get your cramped ass out of the plane, but as you refresh yourself with bottled water, the realization dawned upon you. His mother, or father, would be waiting at the airport.
The comm dinged again as the pilot announced landing. The flight attendants were all quick to get to their seat once a loud zooming noise startled everyone. "There we go." You mumbled under your breath.
He helped you up once you were able to take the seat belt off. Jace slings his bag over his shoulder and uses his right hand to carry your extra duffle bag, his left hand intertwined with yours, helping you descend down the stairs before him.
"Let me hold it." You offered, but he shook his head no. "If my mom or dad saw me making you carry anything they'll strangle me." He sounded serious so you let him penguin walk with your hands still holding his, making your way over the baggage section.
"Are you excited." He asks, wiggling his eyebrows at you. "Over the moon." You answered with a tight smile. If he noticed the sarcasm, he didn't comment on it. "Good, I promise this will be your best Christmas yet." He sounded so convincing that it made you smile against your will.
"It's literally my first Christmas, so I don't think there'll be any competition yet, Jace." "Exactly." You laughed quietly, letting him take the lead as you walked through the crowded space of the airport. Once you got on the elevator, you were going to ask him if he could see his parents from here, but he cut you to it by shouting loudly and waving both your hands up in the air. "We're here!"
Jesus fuck, you thought. If you were anywhere else, you would've immediately pulled his arm down, what with everyone around you glaring at him. But his parents were watching, and you saw his parents wave back excitedly, thankfully neither were yelling back.
The first observation you make as you begin to near them was how much he looked like his father. His mother looked exquisitely different than him. She was beautiful, with platinum blonde hair tied in a bun, her eyes smiled every time her lips did. You found yourself with a small smile, beaming at their joy as his mother started walking towards you both. I don't think I've ever seen anyone's parents this happy to have their child back home.
"Finally." You hear his mother sigh out as she pulls Jacaerys in a hug. She was quick to pull away so she could get a good look at his face. "Look at you, exactly the same." He rolls his eyes. "It's been like 6 months." She ignored his wit and pushed him aside to take you in. You didn't have the time to extend a hand as she pulls you in an embrace too. You yelped at first but hugged her back easily and smiled at her.
"So this is the sweetheart Jace has been keeping from me?" She joked, holding the side of your face with her palms. "I think I should be the one saying that." You didn't know why you said that, but it made her laugh heartily, only after you said it did you realize that it sounded like you were flirting with your boyfriend's mom.
From the corner of your eyes you could see Jace walking over to you with his father. "Have you eaten yet? You must be famished."
L That's another thing you noticed about his family. They use words like famished. The way his mother spoke sounded regal, you could even say royalty.
"Oh it's fine, I've already had some cheesecake on the plane." Apparently, that was the wrong thing to say, seeing that her frown deepens. "Oh, that's barely lunch, and it's almost tea time too."
You thought tea time was a myth honestly, something British people made up to sound funny, like the monarchy. As far as you can remember, you grew up only eating one full meal a day at home. Your mother would buy you nothing else and asked if you were really that hungry, you'd assert another white lie and tell her that you really can't eat too much anyways and that your appetite is small.
As you grew older, your appetite did grow smaller, but it ended up making you feel guilty every time you wanted to eat more than once a day, as you would feel like you don't deserve it.
"It's fine, we've cooked up a nice meal back home, once you get yourself cleaned up, we can all eat together." She was incredibly soft spoken, and she looked at you in a very motherly manner. Your thank you was cut off as you hear her husband called out. "Rhaenyra-'' he appears by her side, smiling widely at you, his features remarkably similar to his son. "There you are, the prettiest girl he's ever seen, eh?" He winked at Jace, making him stutter, turning red. "Dad please-" He ignores him just like Rhaenyra did before.
"Well how do you do?" You shook hands with his father, introducing yourself. At least this time you didn't say anything that sounds like you're trying to seduce Jace's father.
Once the formalities was over, his father helped pick up the baggage that finally arrived, they have a large range rover, more than enough to fit 2 weeks worth of clothes. Jace was going to sit in the back with you, but his mother wacked him in the head and told him to sit up front. "You can't bring your girlfriend over and then hoggle her for yourself." She warned him as climbed up the back seat after you.
You're not sure if the reason you're absolutely terrified to look at Rhaenyra was because she doesn't look like a mother of 3 or because you wanted to impress her. But you tried your best to appear calm as her husband started driving. “Have you eaten anything yet sweetheart?” He asks from the front, equally as sweet as his wife.
“Uh, I had a cheesecake-” “Oh a cheesecake? For the whole day? That's not good, Jace, why didn't you buy her anything.” He scolded his son.
“She didn't want anything else-” “That can't be true, you little pig, you can't eat so much and then starve your girlfriend!”
“I'm really fine.” Your assurance wasn't acknowledged as his mother joined in. “That's right, you're lucky we cooked something up.” “She had a cheesecake-” Jace attempts to defend himself, which only made his father snort. “You know how plane foods are, they’re tiny!” You nodded in agreement, quietly whispering, “Yeah they are.” Which earned you a glare from Jace. He did try to get you to eat more, but like he said, you weren't interested. “Already teaming up against me.” He mumbled in annoyance.
The whole car ride home was peaceful. They continued to make small talk with you, asking if you've ever went skiing before, apparently it's something they did every Christmas. “Don't worry, it's quite easy, Jace could teach you when we go together.” Rhaenyra said to you later.
“Does your parents know you're here? We don't want to steal you away from them for your sem break.” Rhaenyra asked apologetically. Why did everyone care so much about whether your parents knew or not? “Oh yeah, they don't mind.” The lie came on so naturally that you forgotten about Jace being told the opposite. He snuck a glance at you but it was too quick that you didn't manage to catch his reaction. ”Good, good.” Rhaenyra concluded, relieved to hear it.
The car pulls up into a guarded neighborhood. You weren't surprised to see that most of the houses inside are mansions, perfected with their own large car porches and a garden. And you weren't surprised to see the house they finally reached in the end was as equally large as the others. The outside walls were gray and cream coloured, you could seentwo different entrances from the side and from the front by the porch.
“Home sweet home.” Jace spoke from his seat. If your house looked like that than it'd be a sweet home too.
—-
It wasn't a bad dream that jolted you awake tonight. But rather the jarring change of surrounding that you weren't used to. Jace lays on his side, an arm lazily hung over your waist. It was his snoring that pulled you out if your confusion. The white and large curtains covering the see through doors of the balcony looked unfamiliar because they aren't yours, they're Jace's.
And the reason why the floor felt so cold once you placed both your feet on the ground after you've gently push his hands off to climb off the bed was because it's made of marble, not concrete like you were used to.
Slipping into the bathroom quietly and turning on the sink tap, the brutal coldness of the water made you wince. You let your fingers familiarize with the feeling before wiping it over your dull face.
It was 2am, the clock hung on the walls of the dimly lit room read. A dreaded and fatigued part of you wanted to get back to bed, but there was a restlessness growing inside of your bones. Today is the third day that you've been here, 6 days until Christmas. You had spent the past few days helping Rhaenyra bake gingerbread cookies and joined in snowball fights with Jace and his siblings.
Your boyfriend definitely had more fun than his younger brothers. How fun it was to be able to chuck 7 snowballs in a row at his girlfriend's face before she starts chasing him into the snowflake covered woods threatening to dropkick him.
You thought things have been going pretty well so far. At first you had worried that your quiet personality would somehow make things awkward, but you seemed to have fit in rather easily with them.
You weren't shy or anything, just more reserved than most. And not that you'd ever tell Jace to his face, but Joffrey probably was your favourite. He was the youngest and the cutest. At first he had completely ignored you on the first night that you arrived, but the next day during breakfast he showingly changed his mind for his dislike or indifference for you by making Jace switch places with him to sit by your left.
It was announced on that very same day that you are to be his favourite person in that house too.
The door made a small creaking noise as you opened it to leave. Walking down the dark corridor that led downstairs, you walked yourself to the kitchen, looking for something to drink. Help yourself to the fridge, Rhaenyra had told you 2 days ago. Well, don't mind if I do.
The fridge light shone over your face like the glow of heaven as you bend down to see your choices. They had cranberry juice, which wasn't exactly your favourite, but it was better than orange juice which was another thing they had. There's bar of chocolate you're tempted to steal, but you have a feeling it's not yours to take.
Just as your hand extends to grab at the cranberry juice, the kitchen lights flicker open, making you flinch so hard that you accidentally banged your head on the upper part of the fridge. "Ow."
"Oh it's just you." Rhaenyra's voice laughed out. Pulling your head out like a snack thief, you smiled sheepishly at her.
"Sorry, was gonna grab a drink." She shook her head and head over to the kitchen sink, washing her hands. "It's fine, I thought you were Joffrey, he likes to steal his brother's chocolate bars." Well that's something the two of you have in common.
"What are you drinking?" She asks turning to look at you. "Just cranberry juice." She hummed in disagreement, shaking her head. "In this cold season? Take a seat, I'll make some tea." You have never jumped so quickly to interject anyone. "Oh no, It's fine! Really, it's 2am, I should probably get back to sleep anyways.".
She seems to take light of your argument, already pulling out a teapot and a small Camomile teabag. "Oh it's no bother, if you weren't craving anything then you wouldn't be awake rummaging through the fridge anyways." You stood awkwardly by the closed fridge watching her add hot water into the pot. "Fetch me the sugar will you?" You moved quickly to pull out the tub of sugar from one of the kitchen cabinets, passing it to her.
"So, what's keeping you up at night?" You shrugged lightly, leaning against the kitchen counter as you didn't want to sit and wait at the table like a brat. "Nothing really, I'm insomniac, so..." Her eyes widened momentarily. "Oh really?" You nodded.
"Mmhm, I take medication for it, but sometimes it doesn't work." She reacts with a string of Ooohs, stirring inside the pot with a long spoon.
"Melatonin?" You nodded again. That, and some anti psychotics.
Once she's finally done with the tea, you sat by her as she poured it into two mugs for the both of you. It was odd that she was up for small talk this late in the night, but you enjoyed conversing with her. "You know I don't think I've ever asked you what major you are, and that silly boy has never told me." "I'm an art major." You answered. She smiled so dotingly at the response, sincerely intrigued. "An art major? You can draw then?" You hummed positively. "Draw, paint a little."
She sips her hot tea patiently. "I'm a fan of art myself, have you heard of Egon Schiele?" You laughed breathily. "Of course, who doesn't?" Rhaenyra tipped her head to the side in a small nod of agreement. "I have some of his paintings on my office, his works had been a favourite. Quite an expressive man isn't he?" You considered the man's work with his personal life. "Not exactly a role model but yeah, he is."
Your tea is finished, but you remain unmoved on the chair, waiting for her to continue. "You know I believe that the arts is the heart of humanity. Some people might not agree, people who can't see beyond the techniques and brush strokes, but art is what happen when you try to make beauty out of pain, isn't it? I mean as stereotypical as it sounds."
Your eyes were no longer droopy from sleepiness, they match the pure intensity Rhaenyra's had. "It is. Without art, and I don't mean just paintings- I mean poetry and literature and theatre, pain would just be pain. Meaningless." "Exactly."
You don't know what the silent words being exchanged through your gazes actually meant, but something did cross between the two of you, an understanding of a sort, an alliance in beliefs.
"I also believe that those who dabble in art, in any mediums, are the ones who love the strongest and lose the hardest." An unintentional smile bloomed over your face. "Tell me about it." Rhaenyra laughs lightly. "Have you always dabbled in art?" She questioned.
You relive blurry memories of badly drawn trees and stick humans done when you were a child. "Sure, yeah. I've always liked it. I mean it's not just this magical talent I have or anything, as much as the arts is viewed in a much bigger scale of its effects to society as a whole, it's could also be deemed important in indivual intepretation."
Rhaenyra leans back against her chair, hands placed on her lap politely. "Like for example- art is intimate because it is yours.
- It doesn't have to have a deeper meaning all the time and neither does it have to emotionally strike you for it to be considered art. To love, some people say, is to be understood. But we can never truly understand anyone, no matter how hard we think we can.
-And so I think that art, just like people, can be loved even without context. Whatever feeling it sparks inside of you, it is intimate because it is complicated, and it is intimate because it can mean a hundred different things to a hundred different people."
Her expression was unreadable. You wondered if you have confused or overwhelmed her. But after a few minutes of silence, she asked; "And what about people?" "What about it?"
"You compared it to art, and you said art needn't be understood to be loved, does the same goes for people?" You clasped your cold hands on the warm mug and pursed your lips together, your thoughts racing each other.
"Yeah, it does. I mean I use to think that being with a person who understood you was the most important thing in the world, and though it does feel good to finally be seen by someone else, like I said before, it is nearly impossible to be truly understood. And so, the second best thing would be to be loved despite not being understood. To have someone who believes in you, even if they're not sure about the situation or the facts or your rationality, that is love. To be believed in."
"Faith?" Rhaenyra suggests. "Yes, faith."
You stood up right after, taking her empty cup to wash for too despite her complaints, hand washing them as you're not sure how to use a dishwasher. "I'm glad you're here." Rhaenyra spoke from behind you. It wasn’t the validation that had struck you so deeply in the chest, nor was it her appreciation for you, instead, ot was her acceptance. "I'm glad I'm here too."
In this small moment between 2 to 3am on a Thursday at your boyfriend's kitchen, you wonder if you've found the right kind of people to call home.
"Thanks for the tea, I hope I didn't keep you up." You thanked her in a hushed voice, genuinely grateful. She returned your smile and squeezed your shoulder softly. "You did no such thing, now go get some sleep, alright?"
When you returned to Jace's room, you find him sitting up on the bed in the dark. You closed the door behind you slowly and tiptoed towards him.
"Where'd you go?" He asks sleepily, pulling you close to his chest as he moves to lie back down. "Went to get a drink." You whispered back. "For 20 minutes?" You snorted and lifted your head up to kiss him on the cheek before placing your head back under his chin. "Your mother couldn't sleep either, she made tea."
Jace accepted the response, asking no more questions. His arms wrap around your body the way a ship holds on to an anchor. You didn't know how much you needed someone to need you until you met him.
You notice that he's still awake, with the way his finger is lightly tapping the skin of your shoulder. "Did I wake you up? Sorry." You feel him shaking his head slightly. "No, I was just thinking." He mumbled back. "About?" You inquired him.
"You, I miss you." You frowned and pulled back to look at him. "I'm right here." He shrugged. "I know, but sometimes you're not. Sometimes you're here but when I look at you, you're gone. And I don't know how to bring you back." You feel a splinter in your heart when he said that. How foolish you are to expect him to be so stupid to never notice how unstable you can be at times, how easily you dissociate and push him away before pulling him right back.
"I'm sorry." You told him sincerely, not sure what else there is that could be said.
"I'm not angry, or upset. I just want you to know that Im right here with you too, and I'm not going anywhere." You smiled sadly at him and nodded. "I know." Your noses booped together and he returns your small smile. "Anything you need me for, I'm here." Jacaerys assures you, half yawning. "I just need you to trust me, and I'll trust you. Can you do that for me?" He stared silently for a moment and then nodded once. "Okay, I trust you. But you have to honor your end."
You pecked his lips with one hand caressing his cheek. "I trust you." You promised.
—
It was 3 days before Christmas. You've spent the past week skiing and building a snowman with the kids. These past few days have been so suspiciously peaceful that it's terrifying.
You're on edge, despite the happiness this family has brought you. You like to tell yourself that you're just being careful, but the truth is that sometimes you can't tell the difference between a house fire and a small candle.
You had texted your mother 2 days ago, confessing to her that you've been spending this week with your boyfriend's family. You made sure to keep your lie about your job going, stating that this visit was a last minute kind of thing. She never answered.
She shouldn't be bothered, you soothed yourself. She never cared if you ever actually came home or not, why should this be an exception?
You and Jacaerys have spent the day going from shop to shop, eyeing beautiful Christmas lights and discounts available. You started with a bakery in the morning, Rhaenyra's suggestion. You had gotten free tastings on many of the popular cake choices before Jace finally settled on buying his mother's favourite Lemon cake.
He had urged you to pick something for yourself and you landed on some éclairs, finishing them up on the car ride to the antique gift shop a few blocks further.
The store had a giant nutcracker statue staring out from inside the windows, they reminded you of the old Christmas movies you spent watching as a child. The bell on the door jiggled loudly as you entered after Jace, a longing gaze towards the nutcracker, hints of nostalgia filling up your heart.
An elderly lady guarded the counter with a smile. "Looking for anything in particular?" She asks. Jace shook his head and smiled back. "Just looking around." He soon found himself crouching down at the snow globe sections, pulling a few out of the shelves to eye the intricate details.
You had walked to the candle shelves, admiring the colourful choices. There was another nostalgic thing on candles too. A superstitious kind. The way you used to blow on them for every birthday or random nights you remembered to lit up your rose scented candles that stays on your bedside, wishing on them like you do on a shooting star.
Asking for some kind of mercy from whichever god there was looking down at you. But in the end you had to pull yourself up without any kind of divine intervention. You had learned that there was only one god inside of you, and she was a girl fed on rage and grievance who spent her nights weeping in her empty altar.
The girl was still there, quieter now, but unflickering, unlike a candle.
You eye the red coloured candle gently, sniffing on the wax to identify the scent. Rose. You place it back on the shelf and move on to the cutlery sets.
You loved cutlery, plates and mugs. Maybe it's the 20s getting to you, but some days you feel that the house decoration section of IKEA was better than any night club you've been in. A beautiful chipped cup stared at you from the lower shelves. It was beautiful, purple flowers drawn on the curves and long thing green ropes on the holder.
You were pulling it out to look inside when your phone suddenly dinged multiple times, buzzing in the pocket of your pants. Clumsily, you pushed the cup back in and took your phone out whilst still crouching.
M: Is this some sort of tantrum you're throwing?
the first notification read, making you frown. You don't have the strength to swipe open the screen to read the full sentence, only reading what's shown on your lockscreen. Just before you could click it off after pressing mute, another notification enters, the words too bright, reading themselves aloud to you.
M: you're selfish, do you ever think about anyone else but yourself? It's always how you feel because only yo-
the full message was cut off as another notification enters. Irritation filled you the same time that your eyes pricked with angry tears. You blinked a few times to get rid of it as you shove your muted phone back in your pants.
I can't fucking deal with this right now. You told yourself. Your phone buzzed again, making you harshly take it back out to turn off the vibration.
It always has t be a problem with her. Selfish she called you? On the one time you decided to do something fo yourself?
Pulling yourself up to stand your kneed are met with the cup that's still half out from it's shelf, shoving it behind strongly, a small crash sound turned your whole body into stone.
You bend back down immediately, pulling out the chipped mug and the small broken pieces of it's corners. You could hear the owner getting up. Shit shit shit. "What was that sweetie?"
You turned to her with a saddened expression. "I'm so sorry, I'll pay for it-" the woman's eyes moved from your face to the glass pieces and gasped. "Oh my, wait here- I'll get the broom." As soon as she disappeared to the store room, Jacaerys was by your side in the next second. "What happened?" He bends down.
"It was an accident, I smashed it with my knee." Your voice was shaky and you feel your fingers prick as you try to sweep the pieces onto your left palm before the lady returned. "Baby, put it back, she's bringing the broom." He warned you. You shook your head lightly and kept picking up the tiny sharp ones. "It's fine, I got it-" Jace grabbed your hand and turned it upside down so they fall back on the ground.
"Jace what the fuck is wrong with you." You snapped, pulling your hand back. Your voice was high, close to yelling. "Your hand is fucking bleeding, there's literal cuts." He argued back, trying and failing to grab at your wounded hand.
The store room door opened loudly, the both of you turned to see the lady walking over quickly with a small broom. "Move aside you two." She ordered calmly.
"I can do it for you, it was my fault." You offered her, ignoring how Jace is trying to pull you back. "Oh no, it's fine sweetie, it happens all the time." You opened your mouth to ask again, desperate to try and fix the mess you made, but you could feel Jace's grip on your arm tightening and stayed silent.
"I didn't mean to." You whispered. His grip loosens, his hand moved from your arm to your shoulder. "It's fine, I'll pay for it." He immediately widened his eyes to warn you to keep quiet, knowing you'd argue against it. "Let me pay for it now, we'll discuss this later." He muttered closely to you. Your lips pursed together, not wanting to say or do anything you can't take back, you shush up.
There is large wave of emotion building up inside of you. It was overwhelming because it's not just one emotion. As the anger dissolves into pathetic guilt, you bite your lip from bursting out crying. Blinking fastly for a few more times, you managed to keep your breakdown from blowing up.
Standing by the door like a rock, you watch as Jace pulls out his purse to pay for the damage. You can see the lady shaking her head, denying his money. "It's old, not worth anything." You hear her say to him.
He ended up buying a tint snow globe and aa keychain anyways, to make up for the broken cup. She seemed to hold no grudge in her expression, smiling at the two of you and saving as you left.
Neither of you said anything on the walk to the car. Once you got in and strapped on the seatbelt, you twisted your face to him to see if he was upset and noticed that he was frowning. He hands you the small plastic gift, looking straight up front. A small sigh leaves him after he turns up the AC. the car engine noise filling up the tension between you.
"It was an accident." You repeated. He finally turns to you, with a look much worse than rage. Disappointment, pity. "I know." He responds softly. "I was just trying to clean it up, I felt bad." He nodded quietly, slowly averting his gaze to the steering wheel.
More silence filled the gap. When he finally steps on the pedal to reverse out of the parking, you turned away to look out the window in resolve. Nothing was said throughout the whole ride home.
Rhaenyra was excited to have you both home by evening. Her husband was quickly chastised for taking the first bite off of her cake. The sight was both amusing and endearing. You would've smiled in another scenario.
Jace talked and moved like nothing happened, offering for you to take a shower first before him, helping his mother with the dishes as the children are scolded for running around the kitchen. "Go to your room." Jace forced them with a kind of authority that you rarely see in him.
You watch the kids run up pass you, saying hi to you before they disappeared to their rooms.
Going for a shower yourself, you found solace in the privacy that his bathroom gave you. Letting the hot water run down your body along with your tears, you couldn't tell the difference between whicb and which.
Your face and eyes was red by the time you were done, the hot water obviously helped with that. But the warmth after cold skin biting walks was calming, even with the overthinking that came with today's events, the shower helped to bring down the temperature of your emotions.
Washing your face with cold water from the sink next, you avoid looking in the mirror. Shame erupted inside your chest, like a child scorned and embarrassed by their own behaviour.
You could hear Jace walk in the room from the bathroom. The door makes a sound as it's shut close. Letting your hair down for the first time today, you combed the wild strands with your fingers, lightly massaging your head as you brave yourself to face him again.
You didn't do anything wrong, why are you so scared?
You push the door open and dry your feet on the carpet outside of it. Jace was sitting on his bed, shirtless and charging his phone by the bedside.
He gives you a glance when be hears your footsteps and then turns back away like it's nothing. You're as watchful as him as you begin to dress yourself, sliding a green long-sleeved shirt over your head. You'd layer a cardigan over it later, but for now you're craving the chill after your hot shower.
He gets up to place his snow globe on his dressing table and hooked the small heart shaped keychain on his laptop bag. You sat yourself on the bed, feeling it dip and watching him still.
He turns on the small light on the front of his room after he's done closing all the curtains, and then you watch him take his trousers off before taking down his towel from the coat hanger and enter the bathroom, closing the door behind him.
Hearing the sound if water begin falling from where he's in, you let your shoulder relax, a tired sigh escapes you.
You leaned back against the pillows and closed your eyes for a moment, letting the world around you turn dark.
—
The first time Jacaerys had slept over in your apartment was the first time he ever knew you were on multiple medication. It was the first time the two of you ever had sex, and he had passed out easily after. You, despite being tired, found yourself kept awake by your thoughts.
You can't remember what exactly kept you up but it was 2 hours in when he was startled awake by your shuffling around.
You had spent the last hours contemplating if you should grab a pill to help fall asleep or if it was too late and the pill would cause you to sleep in on tomorrow morning's class. And so the indecisiveness resulted in you trying your best and failing to fall asleep naturally. He looked up at you groggily and frowned.
"How you been awake the whole time?" He asked. You sighed tiredly and laid on your back.
"Yeah, sorry, did I wake you?" He shook his head and wiped a hand over his face. "You didn't, it's fine. I just thought you'd be down easy after all that."
You snorted and shook your head. "I'm insomniac."
"Oh." You nodded. "Yeah I have meds for it, but sometimes the pills all just clash together and it doesn't really work." He hummed in understanding. You noticed he doesn't ask more about the pills. It was either he didn't care or he was being respectful. You learned weeks in later that it was the latter. Unsurprisingly.
"Well, what do you do when you can't sleep?" You shrugged your shoulders. "Dunno. Watch stuff on my phone."
"What do you usually watch?" He asks, characteristically interested. "Gay sex." His head jolted forward and his eyes immediately widened. "I'm joking."
His shock immediately watered down as he gave you a faint laugh in response. "Right, of course."
You spent the rest of the night talking to him until your body gave in and you collapsed around his arm around dawn.
It's not an easy thing to forget, a man's first show of affection in small subliminal ways that some people might not notice. But you did, you always do.
That was not the last time you'd see him sacrifice his own comfort to make you feel less lonely than you already were. In a room full of people, colleagues, friends and family, you found that only he had the power to make you feel seen.
Other people looked at you and saw what you let them see. But Jacaerys was willing to pay much more attention to the things other people didn't want to. Your condition, whatever it's called (most people call it complicated), often made people uncomfortable. How is it a person like you could be so non chalant yet care so much at the same time. How was it you were reserved, but not shy or accepting of anyone's attempts to step over you?
They can't quite understand the complexity of being a damaged person that still tries their best to undo those damages on a daily. Niceties didn't always equal empathy. You learned that very early on in your life. To find someone who wouldn’t try to fix the hard parts of your self or resent you for them wasn't easy.
Most men, that you knew of, will either try to "fix" you in an attempt to make themselves feel heroic. Like a savior. And when they realise too far in that those scars you bared was unreversable, they use it againts you instead. They paint you out to be the bad guy for those same traits they promised and vowed to be so understanding of.
And for almost the only time ever in your life that night, you didn't feel like your secrets were owed to anyone. A safe space was a place you knew you could be vulnerable with, but t was also supposed to be a place where you knew you could still be caution with all your walls up and still wouldn't be judged for it.
It was him who stayed through the cold shoulders and unanswered questions. And so, it was also him who you then trusted your whole heart with.
---
You were woken up 30 minutes before dinner time. Feeling the soft nudge Jacaerys gave you, shaking you awake easily. His hand lingered on your shoulder until you were sitting up fully. You thanked him and went up to the bathroom to wash your face.
"Mom's making lasagna tonight." He says ftom outside the bathroom door. He no longer referred to Rhaenyra as 'my mom', including you as part of the family without any awkwardness.
"I love lasagna." You called back. "I know."
The cold sink water have been getting warmer and warmer as the snow outside begins to melt. The weather was still antagonizing, but driving through the wet road was easier now, and morning showers are less dreadful.
"You know, we don't really get snow back home." You quipped as you turn off the sink, making your way out. "Really?" He asked, genuinely astonished.
"Yeah, it's a much warmer climate where I'm from." He was putting on a sweater by his mirror when you came out, his eyes met yours through the reflection. "So, you've never built a snowman before?".
You smiled and nodded, walking over to the bed. "Nope, the one we did the other day was my first time." Snowman building and snowball fights were fun, though you wouldn’t admit to your boyfriend that you much preferred staying inside with the heater on as you munch on some cookies and hot chocolate.
You were layering moisturiser over your face when you hear Jace speak, "I forgot to tell you, your mom called on your phone while you were sleeping." You froze for a second before your hands resumed massaging your face with the product.
"Oh, did you talk to her?" You asked, giving him a quick glance. Jacaerys shook his head and you felt relief spread through your whole body.
He sat by your side, watching you do your skincare routine meticulously. "I muted it, but you should probably call her back, it was two misscalls." You hummed uncaringly, as if it was the least important thing in the world, not wanting to give out a suspicious reaction.
The truth was you did not have the guts to check your messages at all since you came back from the shopping trip. You had her on mute and that had helped calm your nerves. But knowing that she had went as far as calling you twice, which believe it or not, is the first time you've ever had that much attention from her, was anxiety inducing.
"I'll call her later." You stated, noticing him still staring at you from the corner of your eyes. "Why did you say that she already knew you were here when we first arrived at the airport?" He asks suddenly.
There weren't any direct correlations of this question to the current situation, but it was unsurprising that he had brought this up. In fact, you have been waiting for him to do so.
"I did tell them." You answer bluntly. "You told me a few days before that you didn't want to." You closed the cap of your face serum and stashed it back inside your small bag, taking yout time with the conversation.
"I changed my mind. I was telling the truth when I said I didn't want to tell them at first, but I figured they should know. In case of emergencies." He was content with the answer, making no more inquiries.
Dinner was quick and quiet. You helped cut the marble cake Rhaenyra had made into small square shapes before its passed around to the whole table after prayers were spoken together.
There were no leftovers of it or the lasagna by the time it was over. You could tell that the older woman was overjoyed. She was someone who put all of her love and effort into everything that she does for her family, and watching her children appreciate the hard work of a mess she made in the kitchen must've felt rewarding.
You helped her with the dishes until everyone else except Jace had left. She argued against it at first, insisting that you were a guest and shouldn't have to do anything. But you refused to leave until the kitchen was clean, so she had you sweep crumbs and pieces out of the carpet while Jace was to take out the trash.
"It's good to have another woman here." She said to you as she stacks up the dry plates back to the shelves.
Throwing out the collected trash into the dustbin, you offered her a small laugh. "I'm glad you feel so."
You went up first after the cleaning was done, leaving Jacaerys with his mother, discussing the Christmas tree arrangements.
The medium sized plastic tree they had ordered last week finally arrived, and it was up to him to fix it up on their livingroom by the end of today.
You considered your gift for his family that you had handmade a few days before you flew here. It would've been easier to buy something, but buying them all an individual gift would be costly, and Jacaerys himself have warned you against that, deeming it unnecessary.
And so your ivory and indigo themed painting of Daisies and Forget Me Not's would be enough.
It was an image that you had longed to paint for a long time, two contrasting coloured flowers tangled together. But with all the assignments and homework that your degree was already requesting of you, there hadn't be any time for you to make it up until the week before you an Jace left.
It wasn't your best work, but it was your favourite. The subtlety that tied together on the canvas satisfied you.
Jace came up shortly after you had. Mumbling something about the decorations looking shitty. Ignoring the fact that you were reading on the bed, jumped on it suddenly, making you bounce up. "Hello?" You snapped, waving your book.
He raised his brows innocently, laying down on the pillows. "All you do is read and paint." He whined. "I like reading and painting."
He poked your right thigh with his toes making you pause reading to slap his feet as a warning. "Get a hobby." You could feel his eye roll from behind you. "Loving you is my hobby."
You kept your eyes on the book as you responded, "how lifeless you must be." Your book is snatched from your hand right after your sentence is finished. "Give it back you gorilla." You twist yourself towards him, trying to reach for the book as he held it up over your head.
"No, this thing has taken over my place as the center of your attention." You let out a loud hah! Pushing him down against the bed and pried the book from his cold hands as he kept his grip on it.
"Bold of you to assume you were ever the center of my attention." He gasped and you took the opportunity to grab the book while his hand loosens.
"How can I not be the center of your attention? Look at me." He spoke seriously.
The book was safely placed by your side, but now he's grabbing you over him instead. "You know I only agreed to date you just in case I'd need to apply for a green card." You gritted out as he squeezes your face against his cheek. Jacaerys' facade of being offended broke and he threw his head back in a boisterous laugh, letting you slip away from him
Shoving him strongly while he's still choking on laughter, he fell off the bed with an oof and landed face down, drawing out a laugh from you instead.
Pulling himself back up, he squints his eyes and glared at you. "You're so boring."
What he views as boring is your kind of fun and that was just how it is. "What do you want us to do instead? Have a slumber party?" He tilt his face, genuine considering it. You cut him off before he could agree. "No- We're not doing that, because I know your definition of slumber party."
"I thought you liked my definition of a slumber party." He asks, laying his head on your lap and letting you get your few pages in for the night. "We're at your parent's house, I don't think they'd like your definition of a slumber party." He hummed and said nothing else, closing his eyes as he stays against your thighs.
You suspected it was either the white wine or the sugar rush of the three squares if marble cake that he had tonight that was making him slightly more hyper. Whatever it was, it's refraining him from being able to just sit his ass down. You once asked him if he had ADHD during your first month of dating, he vaguely answers 'probably' and started talking about something else right after.
Speedreading the last 3 pages of the chapter you're in, you thought he had fallen asleep until he turned around so he would face up to you. "Do you want to go see the Christmas lights?"
You barely heard what he said at first, trying to finish reading the last sentence of the page. "Huh?" He repeated what he said again, waiting for you to close your book and meet his eyes.
When you finally do, you looked down at him with skepticism. "Right now?" He nodded. It was around 8.30, not that late, but also pretty early. You tossed and turned the suggestion in your head until you finally just shrugged at him. "Are they really that pretty?"
"This street is full of mansions wrapped with gigantic traffic lights coloured decorations. Pretty sure the Millers have a gigantic Elf statue outside their gate." You blinked in surprise. "That's...festive."
He nodded in agreement. "Yeah, rich people stuff."
You'd counter back that he was rich too, but there aren't any weird Santa statues in this house yet, so you say nothing. "We don't have to see the ones around this neighbourhood, I know the street stalls are gonna be lit up all around tonight, We could drive around, grab a burger or something."
You were still full from the lasagna, but a burger sounded appealing. You had grown up around street foods and cheap oily burgers and fries from stalls by your house. The taste was always better than whatever clean expensive food you've ever had in your life. You were eager to get out of this place suddenly.
"Okay, sure. Let me finish one more chapter and we can go." Jacaerys cheered, fist bumping the air before he rolled off of you to go change into something thicker.
It ended up being an hour later when you were finally done with the book, managing to convince your dressed up boyfriend on his reindeer sweater that it's much too early still.
To make up for your lack of priority for the time, you were punished to wear a matching red sweater like his. Putting it on with a grumble and frown, he had no idea that you secretly liked the sweater but would rather die than confess it aloud.
You let him get downstairs first to inform his mother of your plans. He was already starting the car engine when you got down, his parents and young Joffrey were all settled on the couch, watching Bluey.
Rhaenyra smiled as you walked by. You waved at her as you're about to walk out and hear her call out to her son. "Be back before 11, or I'll lock you both out!"
"Yeah, yeah." Jace yelled back and closes the door.
You hopped on the passenger seat of his Range Rover with ease and put on the seatbelt while he starts to reverse the car out of parking.
"So, where first?" You ask.
"We could start with stalking our neighbour's houses and then go on a drive down the street- or, we could go down the street first and then stalk our neighbours." You don't miss the way he referred to his neighbours as ours. "I think we should stalk the weird elf dude first, we'll probably be starving again by the time that's done, and then we can go straight to the shops and get a burger."
"Oh wow, you had this all planned out didn't you?" He sounded amused.
"Well, better safe than sorry." He wore a puzzled expression at your words but did not ask for clarification.
The house with the 5'4 elf wasn't that far away from his, and true his words were, the elf did exist by the large gates.
It had a green pointy hat on and wore a red vest with blue buttons.
"The Italian flag?" You whispered out in confusion, watching through the binoculars Jace had stolen from his younger brother. "I think...that's the Christmas colours, not the Italian flag." He whispered back, taking the binoculars from you.
"Oh right, of course." This had to be the first and last time you said something that stupid around him. You had a reputation to keep of being the smart one
What's more terrifying than the large demonic eyes of the elf staring at you was how there were also multiple tiny elves surrounding the big one, like little elf babies with adult elf faces. They crowded around the feet of the big elf, building what seemed like an elf shrine.
"It's like a cult." Jacaerys spoke after a while. You thought the exact same thing.
"Like little cultish elves worshipping their elf messiah." Jace lowered the binocular and snapped his neck towards you. "You think this is legal?"
You frowned at him. "Why wouldn't it be?"
"I don't know, i mean it's a bit disturbing isn't it, like, doesn't this count as property damage or something, or least neighbourhood disturbance."
"The only authority figure I could imagine would have a problem with this is Santa Claus for illegal use of elves, besides that, I don't think a statue of Elf on the shelf would count as a distubance at all." He looked uncomfortable at your explanation, and only then did it click in your head.
"Jace, are you scared of the 5'4 static Elf?"
His silence and slow reaction was answer enough. You gasped in realization. "You are!"
"I'm not fucking scared of the Elf." He denied strongly as you leaned against the locked car door in shock. "I'm just...disturbed. It's almost the same height as me."
"You can't blame the elf for your growth problems." He glared at you and started the car on reverse. "That's the worst thing you've ever said to me, worse than the time you compared me to the hunchback of Notre Dame."
You burst out a giggle at the random memory. "Oh my god, the hunchback of Notre Dame!" You recalled the nickname joyfully. "Well, it made you fix your posture. Also you called me Baymax last week, so it cancels out.
Jace drives the car out of the neighbourhood, waving at the security guard who stood by the post to open the gate. Making a turn on his right, he heads straight for the streetshops.
"You called yourself Baymax, I just corrected you." He defends himself.
It took longer than usual to get there, considering that so many other people there had the same idea as them. Jace had to turn on the heater when halfway near the destination, snow began to fall down from lonely starless sky.
It was microscopic and beautiful. You had wanted to reach yout hand out through the window and grabbed one of the flakes on the palm of your hands, but you refrained from doing it
In the back of your head, you can hear the cynical voice of your mother calling your childlike awe a sign of immaturity.
People like you who thinks life is all about dreams and art and poetry are the kind of people who ends up in the street once your hopes have failed you.
You let yourself enjoy the scenery before Jace finally parks the car bynthe side of the road. He helps you get off the ride and locked it securely before intertwining your hands together and heading to the burger stall that's a block away from where you two stood.
"The traffic's gonna be crazy tomorrow." He mutters under his breath, looking up as the snowflakes continue to fall down. "Because of the snow?" You ask anyways, despite knowing the answer.
"That, and because people are going to head back home or wherever they came from for Christmas day." Ah yes, of course.
The holiday that you came here for.
"Well I can't imagine the traffic on the day after Christmas would be any more pleasing." He nods in agreement, scrunching up his nose in displease.
Thank god for their first class flight.
The burger order took less than 5 minutes. You sat down next to him by the door of a closed pawnshop as you ate it all up. The flavor of red chilli sauce and mayo filled you mouth, it felt like a reminiscent of an old memory.
You finished it faster than Jacaerys and stood up to walk over past the streetlamp to take a closer look at the glorious crescent moon that stared back at you from above.
Lifting both your hands up, you use them to cover the blurry glow of the lamp from your sides to let yourself see the moon better. You weren't sure how long you had been standing there just staring at it, but it didn't matter because even after years of knowing the exist of the moon, it's beauty never fail to leave you in awe every time you see it
"I don't think I've ever seen anyone this excited to see the moon." You hear your boyfriend tease from behind you. He must have already finished his burger. "Oh you haven't seen me with the stars yet.".
You could feel him smiling from behind as he places a hand on your shoulder. "Not much of them tonight." He noted. "Yeah, it's like they're all in hiding."
Letting your heart whisper out one last wish on the stunning moon, you turned back towards Jacaerys with pursed lips and raised brows. "Well, where are we going next?" He smiles back. "I think the bookstore up front is doing 20% off."
---
Jacaerys Strong is scared of a lot of thing. He's scared of learning new stuff. He is scared of heights and pests and gigantic sized elfs.
But his biggest fear these past few months is accidentally saying the wrong thing at the wrong time around you.
He realized very early on that when it came to being in a relationship with you, patience was a major key that was necessary. And just because he had succeeded in waiting long enough for you to finally unlock that door, it didn't mean that there were no more locks in the future.
But sometimes he's not sure which room he is in and he can't tell which key is for which. It's not that you're overly complicated, just more confusing than some. There were many times where he felt inclined to listening and studying the way you act instead of tryong to pry details out of you.
Pressuring you into opening up or trying to make whatever you two have go faster would be a recipe for disaster.
There was a discount indeed when you both got to the bookstore. Despite his reputation of being more muscles than brains, Jacaerys liked reading. He wasn't exactly an avid reader before he met you, but he enjoyed reading whatever you recommended him to so that the both of you could talk about it together afterwards.
You spent some time on the Young Adult shelf before moving onto the Classics and New Adult sections while your boyfriend strayed away to the other shelves but still remained close to you. And after 20 minutes of searching about, you finally picked up a copy of The Essex Serpent while Jace bought himself The Crucible.
"I didn't take you for a play kind of guy." You commented as you walk out the store. "I've read a few of them this year actually." He admits as the two of you make way to his car. "Really?" You sounded astonished, he couldn't blame you.
"Yeah, I actually had to read All's well that end's well and Hamlet for my lit class, but i liked them so I decided to read Macbeth too just for fun."
"You can understand Shakespeare?" You ask with a frown. He makes a face at your words. "I can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not."
"I'm not. I tried Romeo and Juliet in like 11th grade, couldn't understand shit." You explained.
You liked reading and you liked literature, but you weren't good at understanding old english writing. Growing up, it felt like you weren't allowed to indulge in two kinds of hobbies that leaned more towards the artistic side of education. Your mother has always regarded your passion for the arts as a waste of times. I've never met an artists that didn't die suffering. She had told you when you were 13 years old after she had thrown out all of your drawing books because you were getting below B+ on your mathematic and science subjects.
"Did your school not have a literature class?" You shook your head no. "We had normal English for like, grammar, vocabulary, and essays. But we were never taught to read the classics or poetry like a lot of the other public schools."
Jacaerys was a private school boy, so of course his classes were much more detailed and well organized compared to the ones held in public schools.
"That sounds boring." It was boring, when you finally entered college and was able to attend literature class as an elective subject, you found that your passion for the language still burned bright even after years.
The next half an hour was spent driving down the road and looking at the fairy lights hung from streetlamp to streetlamp. A lot of the shops had plastic made snowmans guarding the door of the place.
More snow began heavily filling up the ground, it was getting the people around the place even more excited. You could see parents with their children, and teenagers with their friends running around trying to catch the snowflakes and bending down to investigate the ones that have fallen.
If it weren't for the blistering cold, you'd probably get off the vechicle to join them.
An old toyshop by the end of the road even had these stunning little rudolph the red nosed reindeer figures staring out from inside the shop. Jace suggested going in to check the place out, but you were getting comfortable in your seat, just enjoying the view from inside.
Clenching your toes tightly in an attempt to warm them up, the fuzzy pair of socks you had on were no help. "I think we should just stay inside, used enough money for today."
"Broken enough stuff too." He responds in a joking manner as he pulls over in a singular parking lot behind an empty building.
You feel a something snap in your head as you turned to him. "Are you still mad about that?" He wore a puzzled expression at the question but still kept his eyes on his front despite the car already being parked. "I'm not mad at you, I was just joking." He responds in a weary intonation.
"You don't have to lie to make me feel better." You said calmly. Sometimes people lie as not to offend the other person, but you wanted him to know that he could be honest with you on how be feels. "I know you were at least a little upset, that's why you wouldn't speak to me when we got home."
He turns off the front lights of the car and the engine, and then pulled his seat back slightly, getting more comfortable. When he finally looks at you, it was the kind of look that you have ling deciphered as a stare of commiseration. The kind that you give to starving stray dogs outside your door.
"Don't look at me like that, don't be patronizing." You warned him, leaning your back on the car door. "I'm not patronizing you, I didn't even say anything."
"You're looking at me like you feel bad, don't fucking feel bad. If you're angry at me, then tell me you're angry at me. I'm not a child, I can take it." He opened his mouth to argue against that but closed it just as fast as he opened them.
Glancing to his side like he's searching fir some sort of support, he meets your eyes again after a second, and spoke with much more confidence; "I'm not mad at you, I never was." You fold your arms together, shaking your head.
"Then why were you so silent on the way back- and don't say it's nothing, I know the difference between comfortable silence and awkward silence." He waves his arms in resignation and stutters out as he struggles to really think of a good response.
"Honestly?" You nod once. "I-I just didn't know, how to speak to you."
"What does that mean?" You pushed him to elaborate. "I mean, it's just that in certain times- certain situations, you can get so...vulnerable. Like you're seconds away from breaking. And in times like those, I'm just not sure how to approach or comfort you.
-I mean god knows I was never good with comforting people, but when you get so frustrated and upset, I'm just scared that if I say the wrong things or ask the wrong questions, I'll accidentally hurt you more and push you away from me further."
The pity in his eyes were gone, replaced with worry instead. You take in every words he says with a sharp piercing in your heart. "Oh."
A part of you is relieved to know that he was never really angry. Another part of you despises him for viewing you as something so fragile and pathetic. And then there is a third part of you from the inside, who knew that he was right. You had been compared to a ticking time bomb before, it was not new information.
"I'm sorry I made you think I was mad." He spoke again after a moment of silence. Your eyes strayed from his face to your lap, unable to meet his gaze.
He watches the way your face scrunces up in a thoughtful manner and gently places a hand on your thigh hesitantly. "I don't mean it in a bad way, I'm just, not that good with words sometimes."
Your face is relaxed as you look back up again, acceptant to the things he had said. "I get what you mean." You told him, the aggressiveness from before already melting back into passivity. "I'm sorry too, I know I can be a lot."
His free hand moved to caress the right side of your cheek. "You're not, we're both juat doing what we know as best as we can." You nodded and offered him a half smile.
He pulls you into a hug, the seating arrangement making it a bit hard, but the two of you pulled through. "My mom's angry I'm here." You mumbled into his chest.
Jacaerys' brows knitted together. "Why? She doesn't like me or something?" Be feels you shake your head no. "She doesn't even know you. She just thinks every decision I make is a bad one." He didn't know what to say to that.
He's never met your family before, but it was obvious that you were raised in a very different environment than he was.
He also understood that you've always had a certain way dealing with negative things in your life, a certain perspective that makes your choices understandable.
"Did she want you to come home?" You answered no. "She doesn't care if I come home or not, and yet for some reason she's upset that I chose to be here instead of going back home."
"She sounds like a bitch, I'm gonna be honest." You snorted out a laugh as you pulled away before he could regret his words. "She is."
"So, what are you going to do?" You shrugged with a sigh. "Nothing. That's what I always do." You've given up trying to defend yourself years ago. Arguing with your mother never ends well because she doesn't argue to understand, she argues to win. "Some people are worth fighting for, but not everyone is worth fighting with."
He says nothing, staring at you from his seat. You wanted to ask him if he understood what you mean, if he understood that the person you mentioned worth fighting for was him, but just not against your mother. But you were already so sick and tired of talking about her.
She's like some sort of negative charge around you, even the thought of her brings darkness and gloom. "It doesn't matter what she thinks. Because in the end of the day, I'm the one who chose to be here, and I haven't regret it so far." His face broke into a grin at that. "No?"
"No." You repeated surely. "Hmm." He ponders. "Does that mean you're up for a repeat next year?" You raise a brow at that. "This year's one isn't even finished, you're already planning for next year's?"
"Of course."
"How do you know if I'll still be around next year?" You weren't sure what kind of answer you were expecting. It was some sort of test, not just for him, but for you too. "Because I know I love you. And I know you love me too."
"Love is a big word." You noted after considering his confession fairly. In most situations regarding intimacy and vulnerability, you'd always find yourself to be stuck in between the flight or fight mode. But this time, you're sitting down with it and letting yourself indulge the possibilities.
"Are you making fun of my vocabulary or are you questioning my sincerity." Oh. that sentence overall were all big words for him you fought over the grin threatening to appear.
"I'm questioning your assumption that I feel the same way as you."
"Well," he starts, "-you're here with me right now aren't you?" He says it in a matter of factly tone, leaning in towards you, wiggling his brows. "That means nothing." You countered his defense.
"If I kiss you right now, would it mean nothing?" The question was so sudden, you scoffed in face for all the words you're unable to say. "If you kiss me right now, it's because I'm letting you do it."
"Because you love me." You relented and matched his smile. "I love...your mother. And I love your siblings." He eyes you suspiciously. "But what I feel for you surpasses the word love." It was cheesy, it was childish, it was you laying your heart out for him and not being ashamed of it.
"Tomato, tomahto. I call it love, you call it whatever you just did." He muttered back His lips captures yours right after. Your palms finds the sides of his face as he kisses you deeper.
You don't hesitate to climb up from your seat to his own. You feel his fingers gripping your waist as you settle yourself over his lap, pushing the headrest down with a freehand, he lets you take the lead as his fingers moves lower to grip on your hips.
There was nothing soft about the kiss, your tongues danced with his and your teeth clashes together. He made sure that there would be no gap between you two. You gasp out for air once you pull away to slip your sweater off of you. You pull your pants down easily along with your underwear.
"Thank god for tinted windows, huh?" He whispers to you breathily as he discards his own clothes and zip open his trousers.
Your response to that joke is to push him back against the seat to kiss him stronger than before. "Jesusfuckingchrist." He swore against your lips when you begin to ground yourself against his hard on.
He lifte his hips up to meet your grinding, the sensation of your bare pussy against his cock. His fingers squeezes into the skin of your ass, making you whine out loudly. "Fuck- I need you." You moaned deliriously humping on him like your life depends on it.
He pulls his cock out of his boxers fully, pushing it inside your wet squelching cunt. He groaned into your ear as you hid your head by his neck. Your hands held onto his shoulders as your hips jumped up and down on his cock. His grip on you is bruising, but it only added to the pleasure.
You feel the head of his penis hitting your clit harshly every time you sink down fully on it. Jacaerys is grunting out your name repeatedly like prayers in the dark and throwing his head back, lost in the pleasure.
"God- Ah, Jace-" He relishes the noises you make as you squeezes his cock with your warm, tight pussy. "So good." It's driving him insane and he's almost breathless as you continue to pleasure yourself using him to get yourself off. "Fuck, baby." He growled.
You held each other through your orgasm, biting into his neck when you felt relief pass through you. That's gonna leave a mark, you thought. But the night was still bright, snow still falling, and neither of you had much energy left to care.
—
“Jacaerys, we have the heater on, why are you wearing a turtleneck?” Rhaenyra asks as she bring over the big plate of lemon cake to the table. “I like this turtleneck,” was his response to her. A terrible excuse, but she asked nothing more.
You helped her set the table while Jacaerys went over to his brothers’ rooms to wake them up. You could hear him yelling from upstairs, “It’s Christmas morning, get up!”
You refuse to admit to him that te Christmas spirit had gotten into you. Preparing the plates around each seat, you are more excited for the gift unwrapping that’ll be done after breakfast. And the snowball fight. Since when did you become so excited for snowball fights? Since you closed your eyes and tried to imagine this kind of life going on for years and realized that you want nothing less than it.
The kids came running down the stairs, bouncing in every step. “Don’t jump Joffrey, you’ll fall.” Rhaenyra chastised. Lucerys and Joffrey rushed to their seat, Jace following close from behind. “Hurry up, I want to open the presents.” Luc rushed. “You’ll get your presents sooner or later. Now, please eat breakfast slowly, I don’t need you choking on your meals at 9am.” His father’s voice boomed from the hallway as he entered the kitchen.
He had been out all day, buying stocks of eggs and flour for Rhaenyra to use.
“Alright, alright-“ Rhaenyra spoke, sitting down alongside everyone at last. “Who’s gonna say the prayers today? Luc?” The boy immediately shook his head. “I’ll do it.” Jace offered, his mother looked internally grateful. “Alright, go on.”
He takes a deep breath before he holds his fists together and closed his eyes, everyone but you followed through. You watch him begin to thank god for the food on the table and for his family’s good health and fortune before he goes on to thank god for his beautiful girlfriend. Luc mutters out an ‘ew’, which Jacaerys quickly retorts back ‘You just don’t have a girlfriend that’s why you’re jealous.” In the middle of his prayer, earning a warning ‘Jace…’ from his mother.
In the meantime, you were grateful that all of their eyes were closed, so that they wouldn’t be able to see your wide smile and flushed cheeks. I don’t have much faith in god these days, but I’d burn a prayer or two for you, you thought to yourself. And you meant it.
Once he ends his prayers with an Amen, he opens his eyes to connect them with yours first before the silent moment shared was broken by everyone else’s eagerness to eat.
They had not understood the meaning between your shared glances with him. How it was a way for him to tell you that you, just like his family, is his priority. They also don’t know how you had blocked your whole family’s contact list for good. And when you had told him of your action that morning, he looked at you so reassuringly and told you that as long as is he alive, you would never be without a family.
#jacaerys velaryon x reader#house of the dragon#jacaerys velaryon#jace velaryon x reader#house of the dragon x reader#hotd x reader#game of thrones#harry collett
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from strangers to friends, to strangers again
Pairing: JJ Maybank x Kook!Reader
Warnings: Y/N gets into a fight
Words: 2.8K
A/N: I just finished Outer Banks and this show has slowly taken over my life, so i may have to write more fics for JJ cause I love him so much omg
“JJ, it was an accident!” You insisted, following the boy as he stormed into the Chateau, trying not to pay any mind to the rest of the pogues who gave you a concerned look.
He didn’t respond, slamming the screen door behind him, nearly hitting you in the face with it. You jumped back, sighing before throwing the door open.
Curious beyond belief, the rest of the group followed you. The two of you were thick as thieves a mere twenty minutes ago when you went off to grab something from JJ’s house together. His dad wasn’t home, but you didn’t want to take any chances, standing firm on not letting him go alone.
His house was too cluttered, and while you were waiting for him to nab a beer or two out of the fridge on his way out, you stepped too far back and managed to knock a set of wind chimes off its hook, tensing when it crashed to the ground in about a million pieces.
JJ stopped, beer in hand and fridge door still open, staring down at the shattered windchimes for a long time before he kicked the door shut, shoving past you to get out of the house, almost leaving you behind in his haste to leave.
Now, you were still trying to chase him down, trying so desperately to get JJ to talk to you. He’d been silent the entire way back to the Chateau and seemed pretty content with avoiding you until the end of time over a simple mistake.
“Jesus Christ, JJ, I’ll fucking pay for it!” You called after him, falling silent when he finally stopped moving.
“You can’t just make everything go away with daddy’s money, Y/N.” His voice was firm, harsher than he’d ever spoken to you, still refusing to face you.
“I’m not saying that,” You huffed, crossing your arms over your chest. “I’m just saying-”
“No, you know what? Shut the fuck up.” He spun around, his words and the anger in his eyes making you freeze.
“JJ-” Kie’s voice came from the door, standing between John B and Pope.
“I fucking made that, Y/N! When I was a kid; that shit had actual sentimental value! You can’t just buy a fucking new one!” He raised his voice, ignoring Kie’s feeble attempt at intervening.
You stopped, shrinking in on yourself. “JJ, I didn’t know, I’m so sorry-”
“Of course you didn’t know! Cause you’re just a kook!” His words stung, like a needle shooting through your heart.
“JJ, I’m sorry-” You repeated, fighting back the tears threatening to spill from your eyes.
“No, that was the last straw.” He lowered his voice, sounding eerily calm. “You’re not a pogue. You are not one of us. So stop fucking pretending you belong with us.”
You took a step back, mouth agape in shock. When he didn’t back down, you risked a glance at the others. They said nothing, instead avoiding your gaze.
Of course. They were JJ’s friends first, anyway. You could feel the bitter taste of betrayal in your mouth when you pushed past Pope to open the screen door, letting it slam behind you as you left.
A stinging feeling had settled deep into your chest, trying to push away the realization that it felt like something had just ended.
You made your way back to Figure Eight, feeling more alone than you’d ever felt in your life.
A little over a week had passed before your parents were trying everything to convince you to go to Midsummers. The previous couple of years you’d been able to skip out on it, going down to the docks to meet the pogues instead.
With no word from any of your friends since the fallout between you and JJ, your parents had been extra pushy about making you attend.
You sat alone in your room, writing out a text to JJ. It was carefully crafted, but once it was done, you gave it a long look and deleted it, throwing your phone on your bed.
It landed beside the dress your mom had laid out for you, along with a pair of matching heels. Their presence felt like it was mocking you, glaring up at you and reminding you how much you didn’t belong with your friends.
Fuck it.
Might as well play the part, right?
You changed into the dress, taming your hair to the best of your ability, grabbing your phone before you made your way to find your parents.
In a last-ditch effort, you checked your phone one last time, hoping beyond all odds that JJ would’ve reached out to say something. Anything.
No new notifications.
Cursing under your breath, you shoved your phone into a purse and left your bedroom.
Midsummers was just as boring as you knew it would be. You stood awkwardly at the outskirts of the party. Pope was working, stationed at the grill on the perfectly trimmed lawn, chatting with Kie. They looked so happy talking together that you had to blink back tears.
When you noticed a glass of something left unattended, you snagged it off the table it was left on, drinking whatever it was. The alcohol burned your throat, and you grimaced to yourself before setting the empty glass back down. It wasn’t enough to get you drunk, but hopefully it was enough to make Midsummers a little more survivable.
“Hey!” Sarah Cameron’s voice brought you out of your daze, giving the girl a smile. She was always nice, but you hadn’t really spoken to her much since Kie had such a vendetta against her.
“Hi,” You grinned, relieved that someone was actually talking to you.
“Surprised to see you here, I thought you hated these kinds of things!” Her smile was so genuine you couldn’t help but feel welcomed, half forgetting that this was the famed kook princess that Kie hated so much.
“Yeah,” You nodded. “Well, didn’t really have anything else to do, so…”
You trailed off, now distracted by Kie laughing at whatever joke Pope made. Sarah followed your gaze, putting the pieces together and giving you a sympathetic smile.
“Listen, I’m gonna go dance with Wheezie for a bit, but I’ll be back! Enjoy yourself, drink, and have fun! Mingle!” She put her hands on your shoulders for a second before disappearing into the crowd, fitting in so well with the uptight rich assholes that you felt a tinge of jealousy.
Talking to Sarah did help your sour mood, however, and you were finally able to let yourself relax a little. You made small talk with a couple of people you didn’t really know, sneaking a couple more drinks when no one was actually paying attention to you.
It wasn’t until you saw a familiar head of blonde hair that your heart dropped.
There he was, dressed up all nice, dancing back-to-back with Sarah Cameron.
JJ fucking Maybank.
You froze, barely paying any mind when someone shoved past you, muttering about how you were standing in the way.
Since when were JJ and Sarah friends? More importantly, since when was Sarah not ‘too kook’ for him? Why would he cut you off but not her of all people?
Shaking your head, you downed your final drink of the night, hopping down the steps and pushing past the crowd, hoping to find somewhere quiet.
What you didn’t anticipate was the asshole you’d been strategically avoiding the whole night.
“Y/N!”
You stopped, slowly spinning around to face Rafe, tensing when you saw the lazy grin on his face.
“What do you want.” He chuckled, taking a dangerous step towards you.
“Just wanted to talk.” Rafe reeked of alcohol, and while you were by no means sober, he was clearly much further gone than you.
When he reached for your wrist, you snatched it out of his grasp.
“We can talk without you putting your hands on me.” You said, fighting to maintain eye contact with him. Admittedly, he intimidated the hell out of you, but you were too stubborn to show any signs of fear. JJ had once joked that people like him could smell fear on you. Still, you glanced towards the crowd behind him. You were far enough away that no one had begun to notice the tense conversation taking place.
Dramatically, he raised both of his hands in defense. “Don’t worry, I mean no harm. Just wondering why you’re here with us instead of slumming it with the pogues like usual. I mean,” He pointed vaguely to where Kie and Pope were standing, now with JJ who seemed to be telling a story. “None of them have even looked your way tonight. Don’t tell me you’re not even good enough for them?”
You bit your tongue, glaring Rafe down.
“What do you care?”
“Oh, I care plenty.” He leaned in uncomfortably close in a way that made you want to gag. “I mean, I’m just glad you got out of there while you still could.”
You rolled your eyes, turning to walk away. You’d entertained Rafe’s drunk bullshit long enough.
“I’m just saying!” He called after you. “Better to leave now before Maybank just turns into his dad, right?”
Crack.
The sound of your fist hitting Rafe’s jaw resounded through the crowd, with everyone in earshot turning to see what had happened.
He stumbled back, hand holding the side of his face.
“Keep his name out of your fucking mouth.” You said through gritted teeth, desperately trying to ignore the pain in your knuckles.
Rafe was quick to rally, regaining his balance and throwing a punch that knocked you off your feet.
You were never much of a fighter. In fact, you’d never actually been in a fight before.
Still, you persisted, stumbling to your feet and clenching your fists.
You raised your hand to hit him again, only to be met with another punch to the face. You barely managed to stay upright, only half aware of not only the crowd forming but the boy shoving his way to the front.
“Stop pretending to be one of us.” Rafe spit.
You didn’t respond, lunging at him in your determination to win the fight. Pushing him to the ground, you got one good hit in before he shoved you off of him, now hovering above you.
Before he could do any damage, he was thrown to the side, landing hard against the dirt. You could hear yelling, but you weren’t sure where the noise was actually coming from.
Someone dragged you off the ground, walking you away from the crowd with a firm grip on your arm. You tripped over your own feet before you could gather yourself, struggling to keep up with whoever was dragging you along.
Who was dragging you along?
You blinked, getting a good look at your savior.
JJ Maybank.
When you realized who he was, you tried to shake his hand off your arm, pulling away from him.
“I don’t need your help,” You muttered, turning to walk away once you managed to rip your arm out of his grip, only half sure of what direction you were heading in.
“Y/N, stop.” His was was more gentle than the last time you heard it, and it was almost enough to break you. When he put a hand on your shoulder, you shook it off.
“Get off of me,” The hurt from your fight was still burning in your chest. You took two steps away before the heels you were wearing caught you off balance, almost falling to the ground.
What a sight you must’ve been.
“Hey, I’m the medical expert here, let me help you.” You frowned at his statement, noticing the injuries on his own face. When you stopped, JJ wrapped an arm around you, soft enough that you could pull away if you really wanted to.
You didn’t.
Silently, he pulled you into the building, guiding you through the bathroom and into a locker room, carefully setting you down against the wall. The second you were out of his hands, he jumped up, checking every cabinet and drawer he could find, even running off into the bathroom to search for something, cursing under his breath at every empty drawer.
“Aha!” You heard from the next room, watching him run back in with a first aid kit in one hand and a wet rag in the other. “Here we are.”
He sat himself down in front of you, eyes softening at the injuries you sustained.
“This’ll sting.” He said, dabbing your face with the rag to clean off the blood.
You flinched, hissing when the water made contact with the cuts on your face. JJ apologized quietly, moving as gently as he could.
“So,” JJ started, carefully picking up your hand and cleaning the blood off your knuckles. “Why’d you do it?”
You shrugged, gaze falling down to watch JJ’s work on your hand. “He was being an asshole.”
“When is he not?” He laughed.
You hadn’t heard him laugh in a while. You didn’t realize how much you missed it.
“But seriously, you were always the one getting me out of fights, what did he say to make you throw the first punch?”
When you didn’t respond right away, JJ ran a thumb over your hand, coaxing you into speaking.
“Nothing that was true.” You really didn’t want to tell JJ what he’d said, half afraid he would internalize it and hate himself for it when he was alone at night.
“C’mon,” He set the rag down, opening the first aid kit, and grabbing neosporin, dabbing it on his finger and rubbing it over the cut that was on your cheekbone. “You can tell me.”
Taking a deep breath, you meet his eyes. “He was just saying some shit about you ending up like your dad. Like I said, nothing true.”
JJ stilled, hand still resting on your cheek.
“You got into a fight with Rafe Cameron over me?”
You were surprised at how soft his voice was, a frown beginning to appear on his face.
“Of course I did. Just because you hate me doesn’t mean I stopped caring about you.”
JJ swore he felt his heart break into pieces.
“Y/N…”
“Hey, I don’t wanna hear it, okay?” You cut him off, pushing yourself to your feet now that he was done cleaning you up. “I appreciate your help, but I don’t need your pity. You said it yourself, I’m not a pogue.”
You’d barely made it to the doorway before JJ’s hand caught your wrist. It was impossibly gentle, in a way someone like Rafe Cameron would never understand.
Slowly, you turned back to face him, gaze stuck to the ground as you prepared for another fight.
What surprised you, though, was JJ pulling you into a tight hug. It took you a moment to relax, but when you did, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him closer. You buried your face into his neck, letting a couple tears fall.
When he heard you sniffle, he pulled away, wiping the tears from your eyes.
“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Y/N.” He whispered, cradling your face in his hands. “You’re absolutely one of us, you always will be. I wanted to reach out to you the second you left, I’m so sorry I never did. I should’ve said something.”
You didn’t say anything, letting your eyes flutter closed, basking in the feeling of being around JJ again.
“I think part of me was scared that you would actually be better off with the kooks. That after years of-” He stopped, his breath hitching.
You opened your eyes, giving him an expectant look.
“…That after years of loving you, you’d be better off without me.”
A beat passed.
“What?” You couldn’t stop the word from spilling from your lips.
He laughed nervously, his smile turning into more of a grimace. “Don’t make me repeat it.”
“You… loved me?”
“Hey, I never said it was past tense.” You could tell he was nervous as all hell, tenderly grabbing his hand.
“JJ?” Reluctantly, he looks at you. “You’re an idiot.”
He laughed, the tension in his shoulders dropping when he saw the way you smiled. “Yeah, probably.”
You pulled him into another hug, wrapping your arms around his neck. “I love you too, J.”
“Thank god, cause I was not ready to lose you again.” When he pulled away again, he nodded towards the wall you were previously stationed at. “Now sit back down, I still have to bandage your battle wounds.”
The smile on his face made you realize everything was gonna be okay again.
It felt like a new beginning.
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not trying to start shit but if ur comfortable do you mind talking about your gender identity and transition / opinions cause the post about your coworker really got me thinking
Youre not starting shit dw. I think that if a man can blast roids be bald not shave think of femininity as personal humiliation be competitive and openly express attraction to females then I should be able to do all that while rejecting any of the pathologizing that happens based on the fact that I'm doing that while female. Ykwim. I think that the concept of "gender identity" is precisely that disturbing pathologization I'm referring to. When a male looks or lives how I do, it isn't ever seen as indicative of any internal misalignment... but for me it is? Stupid. But the thing is that there absolutely is a misalignment occuring– and I've had to realize it has nothing to do with me. The way I live signifies nothing about holding some sort of allegiance to the males who are generally the only ones utterly unquestioningly afforded the freedom to live this way because for them it is a freedom– and for females, living like this often takes immense amounts of courage. And when one wants OUT of it all... it's easier to approach this painful reality by simply performing mental magic, flipping the narrative and saying "ah! Suddenly my hatred for all of this Woman Stuff makes sense! I should have been a man all along!" That's great but after almost 15 years in this I've realized it is fucking loser shit to think that despising misogynistic expectations and restrictive gender roles makes one a man actually because well um because you said so... because only men crave dignity... because woman equals long hair and shaving legs and makeup and my socially-trained bodily hatred and desire for a life free from demeaning treatment on the basis of my femaleness is totally abnormal no women ever feel like this no women could possibly enjoy the thought having a hairy body or a beard or feel inspired by masculine aesthetics which are largely equated with strength confidence dignity social dominance and being in actual possession of a brain and personality so any desire to embody that and be seen by others as an actual human being instead of a member of the subjugated sex actually make one imbued with Real Maleness... right..... to be honest it just became so embarassing to think that I was a grown adult still acting like this shit made any sense. I don't have a gender identity. When I pass, I take on the status of undercover female. I'm not a male. Have y'all actually met any of them?? Like, for real??? Its like... Jesus christ... LOL. No. I like the way I live. I have sympathy for females lost in the gender sauce but it only goes so far when they're by and large fucking insane and homophobic. And sure I could talk about my transition but I ultimately see it as such a non-thing. I don't think of myself as having transitioned at all, because I was always like this more or less, it's just that now I have a few more hairs on my face and a deeper voice and none of it feels unnatural or strange or "trans" it just is what it is and was always going to be... and that will always be contextualized by my sex– how could I go on denying myself that? And letting it fester like a wound... Oh and also I eventually realized it's just way more dope to be a high-value hairy jacked dyke who accepts myself but keeps doing my thang & not give a fuck than it is to be a desperate delulu self-conscious passing-obsessed little wannabe-man lol
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bottoms (2023) sentence starters.
we've looked like shit for years, and we are developing.
we're finally hot. at least, according to me.
nobody's going to want to fuck me this year, just like nobody wanted to fuck me last year or the year before.
i've been building tension.
i'm playing the long game with her, okay?
what the fuck happened to her?
that made me so sad. what?
i don't need this negative, really sad attitude. please.
what the fuck are you wearing?
nobody hates us for being gay. everyone hates us for being gay, untalented, and ugly.
oh my god, she ate shit is what happened.
she ate literal shit? what the fuck?
or did you get beat up again?
yeah, we went to juvie.
i don't want to say it, but we're fucked!
why do you always have to flirt with other women?
it doesn't count if they're not in high school.
would you like a safety ride?
i'm sorry that i looked at mrs. reilly and lightly grazed her left tit, alright?
don't talk to me, you ugly bitch, okay? i do not talk to girls in overalls.
okay, i might be ugly, but these aren't overalls.
you're being really mean right now.
i heard you, like, beat up my boyfriend last night?
maybe i SHOULD buy a gun.
what? don't buy a gun. nobody said buy a gun.
guys do that all the time, okay? that's the point of feminism.
that's not the point of feminism. you also don't care about feminism.
why would you lie to me?
so you killed a girl?
i know how to take a punch.
i was thinking, if they were coming at me with, like, swords and, like, knives, and like, guns and stuff, and you taught me how to punch like that, then i wouldn't die.
can i be honest? you're a person who's not coping with what's going on.
sometimes, when you have a new hobby, don't show up.
that's my favorite way to be an ally. you just say you're doing something, and then you don't do any of those things.
my dad left me, and i'm incredibly punctual.
i'm gonna finally reverse-stalk my stalker.
i'll be able to kill my stepdad.
i love talking about my trauma.
i literally jack off after every single therapy session.
yeah, well, all women are hot to me.
we had to just, like, fight people, sometimes to the death.
i still hear their screams at night, and that guilt will probably shackle me forever.
i realize now, i don't have to be that person anymore. i don't have to just let things happen to me.
i just get the hot people confused. jesus.
i can't answer that question, because i don't know how to read.
no, i would never cheat on you again, okay?
what about, like, a bomb? like a super small bomb. they're super easy to make.
yeah, let's do terrorism.
don't get distracted, 'cause we can be fined like $2 for this.
i really value when people use violence and raise their voices for me. it's actually one of my love languages.
no, leave the skin on his face, will you?
i'm not a fucking idiot. i just look like this.
man, i knew women were evil.
all of the blame just goes on me, then? like, none of this can be traced back to you at all?
i didn't want to do this from the beginning. you know that.
does it even matter? do you even care? do you actually like her? do you care about anyone other than yourself?
do you care about anyone other than yourself?
just find some other girl to jack off to and do nothing about.
if you don't wanna borrow firearms, then why are you here?
sorry, people didn't know you're gay?
i never had many friends, and that's sad. and as i've gotten older in this world, it's just gotten more sad.
okay, well, obviously, why would you lay it out like that? because it sounds insane.
i'm sorry for saying that you have no friends really loud in front of all of your friends.
i'm sorry for being an asshole a lot of the time. most of the time. all of the time.
that is obviously a red flag. are we not reading that as a red flag? that's crazy.
oh, now you want a bomb.
in your fucking dreams, which you don't deserve to have. when you sleep, it should just be like, total darkness.
i do want to say... i feel like you killed that guy.
we killed a lot of guys. we'll process it later.
you didn't have to start a whole fight club just to date me. you could have just talked to me.
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The discourse on Saltburn is so interesting to me because you either choose to take the movie as a fun romp or a movie "that had nothing [new] to say." Or that things happened just for shock value.
While there's definitely an argument to be made that this film had nothing/little to say, (as I am struggling with some themes they seemed to drop halfway through as well,) I just took this movie as a fun romp haha. You have to sit back and remember... they drew curtains back after a major character death and the entire room was RED! They isolate their black family member. They put a deer costume on Oliver during his bday party. A DEER. This movie was never trying to be subtle.
I've seen some crazy takes like "rich people good?" lmao Felix is arguably the 'nicest' family member right? Jacob Elordi and the script honestly do a really good job showing he's just as shitty as his family. After telling Oliver about his life, he asks Oliver, what about you? Cmon, what else? Siblings? ANYTHING interesting about you? Oliver should not have lied... if he didn't though, do you actually believe Felix would have kept talking to him? Felix gathered his family around and told them exactly "what happened" to Olivers mom and dad. No one would DO THAT! Especially if you've invited this person to your home!!
This internet age refuses to accept multiple things can be true at the same time haha when Felix learned from Farleigh that Ollie and Venetia hooked up, Felix STOMPED to the breakfast table. Folded his arms, ignored Ollie, made no eye contact. Then admitted he didn't want Ollie to be with Venetia, he had a problem with THE LAST GUY he brought to their home being with Venetia. They bring a new "poor" person their home every damn Summer. Multiple truths: 1. Felix shouldn't have been friggin killed. 2. Felix was a shitty person. Jesus
I understand the shock value critique. None of the three big scenes came across like shock value to me personally. I think it's because 1. It was all coming from Oliver. Oliver slurped the tub water, he fucked the grave, he put the period blood back in Venetias mouth. I think if everyone in the family was also doing weird fucked up shit, I'd be like, oookay. Now how is everyone here a weirdo? lol but it was just Oliver. 2. I thought this was a cannibalism movie lmao so I was actually expecting worse!
Obviously people can have different opinions but this movie and its discourse have been super interesting to me. I really enjoyed this movie but my main negative is that it does present itself in the beginning of the movie as though it has something to say but it doesn't have much to say? You're also not made aware that Olivers main objective was the house. Or if it wasn't the house at the start, at what point did it become about getting everything from the family?
Remember the friend Ollie had at the school that he later dropped? That friends last words to Ollie were, "he'll [felix] will get bored of you." Or something like that. That was so dumb lmao Venetia says this exact thing later in the movie. Why not make that friends last words to Ollie about status? Tie that into what Farleigh begins to tell Ollie and make Ollies goal clear to the audience even before the "plot twist."
That scene in school with the tutor. Oliver read the whole summer reading list. He came to college ready to go by the rules and succeed. There's no clear turning point imo. When Farleigh gets there late, doesn't care, definitely didn't read the reading list, and the tutor is like, "I knew your hot mom. We weren't friends, I just admired her from afar." I wish there was more focus on Oliver realizing following the rules would get him nowhere he wanted to be.
I ended up enjoying this movie because I'm satisfied with how fun it was, how GORGEOUS it looks, and how great the performances are. Not good, great performances truly. It's so sad that this could have been a 'no plot, just vibes' kinda movie. But instead there is some semblance of a plot lol it's just not fully fleshed out. I still think people are taking it way too seriously and the genuine distain for it is odd but there's a tug and pull here for sure.
#saltburn#saltburn 2023#like i don't think the movie boyhood 2014 has a plot#and i did not like boyhood lmao but so many people identified with it#so it's like damn were the vibes in saltburn just not enough for people#did the hint at an actual plot that was never fully realized kill the vibes for others completely?#long post#idk it's 2am this isn't super well written but i was compelled#films
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hello :)
i am debating in participating in lent (my 1st time) but how do u do lent actually? thx :)
Welcome, beloved! You've given me a lovely excuse to write about Lent. Whether or not you choose to have a Lenten practice this year, I hope I can help!
I talked about Lent a little yesterday here. I'll write about fasting and ideas for practices today, so you can check out those posts for more specific thoughts. I also know that discussions surrounding fasting are triggering for some people, and want to confine those thoughts to one post that's easier to avoid. Please know that avoiding that topic is perfectly valid and your Lent can be holy and fulfilled without it (and will be more holy/fulfilled by avoiding something harmful to you).
Lent is the season before Easter commemorating Jesus's forty days in the desert, spent preparing for Holy Week and Easter. Western churches begin Lent on Ash Wednesday (tomorrow) and Eastern churches begin on Clean Monday (the 27th). Many Christians choose to set this time apart by changing something about their lives/practice, which often includes giving up something. Some denominations have communal guidelines that people participate in.
Lent is not a time to engage in disordered/self-harming/destructive behavior. We cannot give in to the temptation we might have to spend Lent punishing ourselves. There is a difference between sorrow and misery, healthy guilt and unhealthy guilt, self-discipline and self-punishment. We can mourn without self-destruction, we can address our flaws without spiraling, we can prepare ourselves without wasting away. It might take practice, and Lent may be the time for us to figure out that balance.
(Lent also isn't a new year's resolution, or a self-help book. Bettering ourselves is holy to God all year. And Lent may be the time to start a habit/practice. But are you preparing yourself for the crucifixion? Or just working out.)
So how do we do Lent actually? We might participate in communal practices, like fasting guidelines and worship, but many of our Lenten practices are personal. We choose Lenten practices as commitment, as liberation, as sacrifice, as solidarity, as mindfulness, as witness, as prayer, and most of all, as preparation. The easy answer of "how to do Lent" is to make these forty days different than all the others. Generally there are two ways of doing this: giving up something in your life, and adding something to your life. I especially value when these things go together! Giving up something creates space (time/resources/energy)--what can you now do with that space? (Ex: What will you do with the money that you usually spend on a latte?)
As Jesus experienced in the wilderness, sometimes we have nothing but God. Many people choose to give up things during Lent to bring them closer to that state of simply existing, of having nothing but God. What is something you feel like you can’t live without? What would your life look like without it? What do we have when we have nothing but God? (Everything.)
Dear God, I am so afraid to open my clenched fists! Who will I be when I have nothing left to hold on to? Who will I be when I stand before you with empty hands? Please help me to gradually open my hands and to discover that I am not what I own, but what you want to give me. (Fr. Henri Nouwen)
We fast in Lent to feast in Easter (sometimes literally, sometimes metaphorically). I don't mean throw away our goals, and sometimes we begin practices in Lent that we want to continue throughout the year, because Lent is preparation for life as well as death. But I think some things should be set apart for Lent. And if you have trouble feasting, be cautious fasting. If you always deny yourself joy, how is doing that for Lent any different?
A point that's been very important to me: We know that Jesus spent forty days in the wilderness preparing for death. I know how to plan and prepare for death. I've had a lot of practice. Sometimes I forget that he was also preparing for and planning his life, and this is just as important. Some Lents are spent in the wilderness preparing to live. We are not just preparing for the crucifixion. We are preparing for the resurrection.
You say you're debating participating in Lent, so I wanted to make clear for anyone who doesn't end up with a Lenten practice: You're welcome here, and you're welcome at Easter. John Chrysostom has a lovely Easter sermon about this. However you arrive at the resurrection, it's for you. If you do nothing, if you give in to all your flaws, if you forget that Easter's coming and don't prepare: Easter will come, and it comes for you. Lent is something we can only do willingly, and it is not part of everyone's practice. I think it's immensely important and valuable, but please know that life and joy are available to you regardless. God's feast is for those who feast all year, as well as those who fast. I prefer to come to a feast hungry, but we don't turn away the satisfied.
We don't practice Lent because we have to, we do it because we want to mark time with somber contemplation as well as joy. We do it so when we get to Holy Week and Easter, we have been present and aware of what we're getting into, so we arrive empty and yearning. We don't change our lives to deserve anything, but because we want to be better, because we care. Because the worst person on earth can still experience God, but does that mean we should let ourselves be that person? (The atheists I know understand this more than me: to do good without promise of eternal rest, to love without divine command, to care for the dust that we are without believing we're anything more. May we also do good without expectation of reward and without fear of punishment, and love not just because we're commanded to but because we choose it. May we choose Lent, not just let it happen.)
Whatever Lent looks like for you this year, I wish you fulfillment and the knowledge of God's presence. Remember, this is a season, which means this is not your last chance. Next year has a Lent, too, and all the years after that. Maybe this Lent you'll spend deciding what to do for next year's Lent. Lent being a season also means that you can begin it whenever you wish. If, twenty days into calendar Lent, you begin a prayer practice, you have experienced Lent. Forty days is a remembrance of Jesus's experience, not a magic number. And always, no matter how much we prepare, may we let Easter catch us off guard and surprise us, as it should.
<3 Johanna
#asks#my pastor as a kid would read that chrysostom sermon every easter at the asscrack of dawn in the graveyard#and i would be freezing and tired and wish we were inside#but now i would do anything to experience that again
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Hang on I gotta rant real quick:
I am SICK of ai techbros (and techbros in general) trying to worm their way into industries that they know nothing about.
They've already tried infiltrating Art Spaces (what they do is not art, it is theft); but now there's a handful of them printing and selling their images, so they're telling these gullible idiots how to properly handle and frame the "artwork" like they're professionals.
They know nothing about art. They know nothing about framing. They are yelling at the people they scammed through a youtube video about mounting their cotton (and then varnished??) paper onto aluminum composite that they refer to by its brand name. [Probably because they own stock in the company but that's merely conjecture.]
They say things like "you have to do it this way!!" when 1) again, they know jack shit about framing, never mind conservation or archival framing; 2) they say it with that haughty, grifter's tone like they know what they're talking about; 3) the stupid fools who fall for it also have no idea what they're talking about, but they've fallen for the scam, so if a professional gives them any conflicting advice they lose their shit; and 4) THE PRINT IS WORTHLESS YOU IDIOTS. Why are you taking framing advice from someone who didn't even study art or photography, let alone someone who doesn't have a Framer's Certification??
They're so busy following trends that they don't think! (It has to be mounted on metal?? WHAT.) This includes the poor saps who fall for this bullshit and actually spend real money on a print of an ai generated image oh my god we've really reached this point....
And even if the print is worthless they keep hyping it up like it's priceless or will be so oh boy you'd better frame it properly so it doesn't depreciate in value! BUT GODDAMN METAL IS NON-ARCHIVAL. FUCK.
[Sidenote: the customers that brought in this piece were two of the most unpleasant, exhausting, rude, and self-important chucklefucks I've ever had the displeasure of meeting. Jesus Christ. You're not smart because you watched some rando speak with purpose in a youtube video. I literally get paid to do this.]
#I need a fucking drink#fuck ai#fuck ai techbros#/rant#you don't wanna know how much they spent on framing this garbage it will make you so sad trust me
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Hi guys this is like the complete opposite of what I usually post but i really just need to do a (not so) little rant about Eat Your Friends (Jhariah & Pinkshift)
The lyrics and the fact that these are two entirely separate bands coming together to make this song are not lost on me, but apparently people think this song is about……. Cannibalism???????????? Like actually just straight up romanticizing cannibalism???? Because they take the title and some of the lyrics at face value, which is insane especially considering that it has been explicitly stated what the general concept this song represents is.
Currently, Jhariah is working on new music, so this may be an outdated explanation depending on what they decide to do with their singles & eps (and whether they combine them all onto one collective album in the future, especially with the fact that Pin-Eye and Collarbone have released recently and The Tooth Pact tour begins soon)
Anyways, this is about Eat Your Friends and not Pin-Eye, though I’m sure I’m going to have to talk about that too when people inevitably misconstrue the meaning behind that song as well lmfao (if people convolute RISK then it’s over i have to delete social media for good)
The song has been said to represent industry-created creative competitiveness and how it warps your perception of yourself, your colleagues, and others around you. It’s also VERY important to understand that these bands are comprised of POC, and it is incredibly difficult for POC to make headway in industries that are systemically set up against them, ESPECIALLY music and ESPECIALLY rock and alternative scenes. It’s also important that I clarify none of these lyrics have officially stated explanations just yet, and any highlighted text you see in the screenshots are people trying to speculate what they mean. I also will not be talking about the music video just yet. We can begin to analyze the song when the intro begins:
I really doubt that the red beretta in question is literal but also i think it’s interesting that red berettas are handguns specifically. I don’t think this is just fodder for the energy of the song, i really think it’s supposed to represent.. SOMETHING. The phrasing makes it sound vague and dubious; either the ‘character’ is idealizing offing themselves or a different person (or both, which is not a new concept with some of Jhariah’s music—see here: ‘whose eye is it anyway???’), but I feel like we should really talk about the third and fourth lines because they offer more substance, but I think that there is something to be said for the line “the beretta fires fast and won’t make you feel any better”
“You better hurry up or your friends will be fed instead uh” implies that the character is missing out on something, or is about to, and that their friends will end up gaining something that the character would have, had they not been doing, you know, whatever it is they were doing.
“Instead of breaking bread, you should kick em’ before they get up” is a very easy line to analyze—instead of acting diplomatic and celebratory, it’s suggested that the character thinks their best option is to kick their friends/colleagues when they’re already down to ensure that the character alone receives whatever benefit that their friends would have as mentioned in the line prior. The addition of breaking bread is interesting and why I think that the victim(s??) in this line is specifically the character’s friends/colleagues. Breaking bread quite literally represents becoming joint in spirit with others breaking the bread. Usually this is related to Jesus Christ in evangelical contexts, and there might be something there to talk about in correlation to the song’s theme, but I really don’t want to pull Christianity into it when it really has nothing to do with the song overall lmao.
The way these lines are laid out really displays that even though the character says that these people are their friends, they view them as competition that impedes on them and that they need to be snuffed out or put in their place. It also showcases the theme of envy very early on, and it’s necessary to say that this song already sounds conventionally angry, lyrics aside.
Let’s move onto the next section!
“Frivolous and bitter” is VERY interesting because we don’t know whether this is about the effort and desperation towards ‘making it’, OR if this is about something more personal. It’s interesting that whatever this is, is viewed as JUST bitter and not bittersweet, but as we look at the next line; “diminishing sense of who I am” we can understand that this thing is chipping away at the character’s very personage and sense of self. This is something that happens very very VERY often with people in creative fields, because it already feels Sisyphusian to try and thrive as a creative.
When we look at the lines below; “it’s a habit I wish I could kick or do I get a little thrill in the feeling of being set on fire?” We have a lot to address!! The character expresses that this experience isn’t something fulfilling, at least, not enough to actively feel enriched by, and I don’t think it’s necessarily about creating itself, and instead more about the way that creating has so many obstacles to overcome in the process just for the efforts to fall flat. Which is to say, I believe the beginning half of the lines ties into the lines prior, where the character talks about how the experience is sort of all-consuming in a negative way. I don’t want to talk about the second half because I’m not entirely confident in the way I can phrase it, but we can see that it “begs for more” and that either the effort the creator puts into it isn’t enough or that the fruits of their labor isn’t enough (either not enough to satiate them or not enough to keep them afloat, or both! It could be both for either!). The repetition makes the delivery sound fervent and desperate.
NOTE: in this section, standard text is sang by Jhariah, italicized text is sang by Ashrita Kumar (the frontman of Pinkshift), and boldened text is sang by both of them.
“It’s just me” and “it’s just you” being sang by two individuals makes the lines feel more like a conversation, and the phrasing itself expresses a familiarity between the two ‘characters’. Also, Ashrita’s first line in the chorus is put in parentheses and in the song it sounds like it’s more in the background. This as far as audio and text goes, makes it sound like Jhariah’s character is already successfully attempting at eclipsing Ashrita’s.
Next up, the most on-the-nose lines in the song!
“If not for this jealousy, I might feel better” is sang by both frontmen of their respective bands, which displays that this is a mutual feeling. Both parties are jealous, both parties have a skewed perception of the other, and both parties are left unsatisfied. The fact that this is a mirrored sentiment will remain present throughout the rest of the song from here, so be aware!
“I keep putting everyone else on pedestals” shows that both Jhariah’s and Ashrita’s characters see others in their field (more than likely, each other) as grandiose figures that need to be toppled by themselves, hence the line “just to burn them down”. I also think the former line talks about the coexistence of jealousy and anger as well as idealization and hate, and how they (Jhariah and Ashrita) also destroyed whatever prior characterization they held of these people in response.
NOTE: this section is sang by Ashrita Kumar!
“Menace of an illness” I believe is addressing that the secondary party understands that they pose a perceived threat to the other.
“I’m looking just to see who I am” is interesting with the context that both bands hold! Jhariah and Pinkshift produce a LOT of music about perception of the self and finding it, and truly I’m unsure what concept would even best apply to this line. Either that Ashrita’s character is searching for how others perceive her in Jhariah’s character’s image of her, OR that she herself just generally doesn’t have a set image of herself, which would also apply to the type of music that both bands make!
The line “you’re nothing more than you’ll ever be in this circumstance” is VERY dubious as far as direction and meaning goes. I’m unsure whether this is directed towards herself (caused by the implied lack of self-image in the line “I’m looking just to see who I am”), towards Jhariah’s character, or both, but for sake of digestibility I’ll say that this is towards Jhariah’s character. This is super interesting regardless of just who it’s directed to, because the circumstance in question is a feverish social climb that involves tearing the other down and/or idealizing their fall from grace. The sentiment, as addressed before, is mutual, and it is now clear that beyond a shadow of a doubt, both parties have a lesser image of the other in light of the jealousy they feel for the other, which is caused less by the other’s success and more so because of the self-perceived LACK of their own success. The reality is, both parties are struggling because the wall separating them from struggling and creative success is near-insurmountable—it’s rigged against them to pit them against each other. It’s cutthroat. It’s MEANT to be that way.
“You are the pedal to metal, this is your only chance” is way more self-explanatory than the last line lmao. This line expresses that YOU (intent of direction unclear once again, still don’t know if this is about Ashrita’s character or Jhariah’s or BOTH, AGAIN…..) are responsible for pushing for that acceleration (pedal to metal is a common phrase but for those who don’t know what it like. Actually means beyond common usage providing a sense of contextual clarity, pedal to the metal is a phrase synonymous with pressing down on the accelerator of a car. It’s not always literal, but it’s supposed to express that it’s usually a last-ditch effort to catch up and/or finish something). The second half of the line is.. really nihilistic! It’s, again, unclear whether this is to one individual, but I believe it to be a general statement for both Ashrita and Jhariah—that this (killing the competition. So, each other, basically.) is the only chance both of them have at success.
The next couple of lines are standard fare for dropping an act, so we can move on to one of the most interesting parts of the song. For this part, I WILL be bringing up the cinematography of the MV.
NOTE: as said before, standard text is Jhariah, italicized text is Ashrita Kumar, and boldened text is both.
The MV is actually very good context for the song as a whole—showing concert footage of Ashrita and Jhariah performing the song and “fighting each other” for the microphone, which, I know they did it for the sake of what the song means, but it really does showcase the desperation for the spotlight in this song. The main part of the MV I want to talk about is the rope scene. Throughout the music video, clips of the band members for both bands are spliced together, the main ones being concert footage and then themed footage of the band members “fighting” in a forest. The rope scene is shown after Ashrita and Jhariah break away from the fight and run out of the clearing into the same general area except spaced out, but the effort is futile because their respective band mates catch up to them. Jhariah and Ashrita are cornered back-to-back to each other by their band mates and the band members collectively take strands of rope and begin stringing up the frontmen while they sing in time to the song.
This shows that now, this isn’t even an isolated feeling to just Jhariah and Ashrita, and the lyrics are indicative they regardless of this fact, they are STILL fighting. The biggest part we need to talk about is the last couple of lines.
“Overgrown invasive weeds, unearth the roots and kill the seeds” is using the fact that the only way to get rid of weeds (which will kill other plants if left to their own devices—which in itself is a metaphor for the cutthroat nature of industry and the perception of the other group. Really reads as a “if it’s not them, it’s me” sort of rationalization) as a metaphor for having to stop the success of the others at the expense of themselves.
“Laid to rest” is interesting, because the phrase is only ever used for death, and generally for those who died peacefully and lived a fulfilled life, but I don’t think it’s a literal sense of killing at all. Killing a career, killing a passion, killing the competition? Those are more viable answers to what this line means.
“So eat your friends, they’ll understand cause they would too” is NOT fucking cannibalization you guys come the fuck on. Jhariah and Ashrita did not curate a whole song and music video about the themes they’re exploring just for you to sit and call it a cannibalism song. ‘Eating your friends’ is evidently tied to the idea and general concept of killing the competition yourself and that “they’ll understand cause they would too” BECAUSE THE CIRCUMSTANCES MAKE IT SO THEY WOULD DO THE SAME TO ‘YOU’. ‘YOU’ ARE COMPETITION IN THE SAME WAY ‘THEY’ ARE TO ‘YOU’. BOTH PARTIES ARE PSEUDO-OBSTACLES TO EACH OTHER BECAUSE OF WARPED PERCEPTION.
Anyways the rest of the song repeats the chorus and intro’s lines in a more desperate way before the song pulls to a sharp halt.
I analyze all this because there are genuinely people talking about how “omg eat your friends is about cannibalism!!!” Which completely undermines the effort that Jhariah and Pinkshift made with this song and literally one proves the point of the concept that this song makes. Sorry for how long this is (genuinely took three hours to write) but I love Jhariah’s music so much and I can’t believe media illiterate people are already getting their hands on his music.
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My unpopular opinion is arguing over comic book characterizations is stupid when their personalities change all the time
strongly agree | agree | neutral | disagree | strongly disagree
BOOOO TOMATOES TOMATOES
like listen—yes things change, and considering comics are an ongoing medium they are going to continue to change and evolve over time. But if you just are okay with and passive about the idea of characters literally ending up as names & designs that have nothing else consistent about them... what's the point in being invested? that's just blank slates? like I suppose I understand it more if you are ONLY ever engaging with fan content—because that can be a situation where blank slates mean you can explore a lot of different things in that fan content.
But if you're someone who actually reads & follows along with the comics???? that just does not work in my brain in the slightest. for me at least, a big part of the appeal of comics (DC specifically because that's what I read) is the way that there's this huge universe with stories told over time with many of the same characters and you can see the way things connect and intertwine and yeah there are some things that don't line up but when you look at the whole big mess of things they do usually fit together in their own janky way (and i LOVE approaching that—trying to piece things together)!
being able to talk about/discuss/argue over characterization when taking in these stories is just... part of that fun—being able to look at a comic and say 'oh he would NOT fucking say that' and pull up examples to explain your line of thinking... that's FUN for me!!! Things may be inconsistent at times and sure there are always going to be extreme examples of 'jesus christ this is a drastic change' but genuinely I do think people (on here in particular) way over exaggerate how bad it is a lot of the time (like, in large part probably as jokes initially which then get taken at face value by people who aren't as deep into the comics, and so it just keeps perpetuating. comics fandom becomes SUCH an internet game of telephone).
Also on a more serious note, plenty of times the way characterization & personality is changed can be part of bigger issues that are worth discussing—the portrayals of characters of color, female characters, lgbt characters, etc when changed drastically in ways that maybe show something bad about the author's biases... discussions and arguments around that, and pushing back against it when it happens, is very much so not stupid.
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i've realized what it is that pisses me the fuck off about baldur's gate 3
you need to have a guide up at all times in order to play the way you want to because the game is horribly unclear about which choice is the correct one and what you need to do in order to progress certain things.
i just lost like four hours of progress because i didn't trigger a specific sidequest when i was supposed to in order to recruit halsin to my party and made it all the way to act 3 before i realized "wait a minute this bitch never joined me"
but literally how the fuck was i supposed to know that i had to go talk to some random guy on a bed in town and that i had to do it before a specific point in act 2
i'm not saying you need to put quest markers over people's heads, but giving the player SOME kind of indication of what the fuck they're supposed to be looking for is a part of good game design. and yes i know the idea of bg3 is to immerse urself and roleplay but like
as a counterpoint to that
the percentage of people who are actually going to take the time to talk to every single last goddamn NPC when most of them have nothing of value to say is very very very low. so give me SOMETHING. jesus christ.
and in the four hours i lost are three extremely annoying fights that i basically had to save scum my way through and uuugggghhhhh
#i actually restarted bg3 from the beginning with a new character because like#i was just following my gut in my first playthrough and it ended up with me locking myself out of shit#and getting characters killed#and i wasn't having fun#because i can't predict what this game deems the 'correct' course of action#but now playing with a guide up is#well it's more fun#but it's still not fun#this is not the game for me#but im full sunk cost fallacy now so#im gonna finish it#but i won't enjoy it
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. solitude .
. zhongli x reader . college au . fluff + hurt/comfort . 1.5k words .
Although we as humans are constantly surrounded by millions of our kind, it’s still a commonality to feel like the only one in a given space. I’ve existed in a vacuum my whole life, with no one around me willing to give me comfort and company. I suppose I shouldn’t take for granted the people around me who do talk to me, but conversations always feel fleeting and superficial. It feels teasing in a way, like I don’t have little enough to complain that I have nothing, but not possessing enough to feel fulfilled by any interactions I have with people.
I’ve always felt a little different.
University exacerbated this. Seeing people always in a group or a duo, and wishing so longingly that I had that. Someone, anyone, who wanted to be by my side. Even if it was just one person. But human connection still hadn’t made sense by the time I was university age. Perhaps this was my destiny forever. I had begun to accept it as so: eating, studying, walking around, and going out by myself. Reaching out to others with no answer again and again began to wear me down to the point where it wasn’t worth trying anymore. So I drifted through life, traveling on a journey without a destination or purpose.
I sat square in the middle of my class in morning periods. I had geology in the mornings every Tuesday and Thursday, a class to fill some requirements everyone needs before they graduate. Sort of a nothing class. It didn’t mean anything of value to me, but I did enjoy attending for one specific reason: The boy who sat two rows ahead of me.
His name was Zhongli, and he was extraordinarily smart and handsome. He had rich, dark hair and the most vibrant amber eyes I’ve ever seen. His voice was deep and enchanting, and gripped my heart every time it graced my ears. Zhongli was everything anyone could desire in a man, and everyone knew it. That’s why I never spoke to him. Ordinary people were above me, so who knows the kind of pain I would feel if I dared to speak to someone who was not only objectively desirable and special, but someone I personally was growing parasocially fond of. I couldn’t help it. Even hermits develop crushes.
So to say I was surprised when he approached me to join a class group chat would be quite the understatement.
Zhongli explained that it was created by someone else to help everyone study, and hopefully create a group out of everyone willing to support each other. I agreed to join, the idea actually sounded quite smart.
When I entered, I found out there was already plans made to get together and review later that day. Albedo, Alhaitham, Ningguang, and a few others were going to be there. Jesus, there’s more attractive people in this class than I thought, was the first idea that crossed my mind. Against everything I would’ve done in any other circumstance, I typed “I’ll be there too! I’m a little confused about some of this.”
When I got to the table, I was a little flustered by the whole ordeal. Never did I imagine I’d be out with others organically. It felt nice, even if it was foreign. We cracked jokes, we complained about the professor, we reviewed everything the group didn’t know. I couldn’t help but smile, and I couldn’t help but steal glances at Zhongli every now and then, and once in awhile, I caught him stealing glances… at me? No way. I dismissed this idea as nothing but arrogance created from the high of hanging out with other people. How conceited could I be to think that he would ever pay attention to someone like me? Jesus Christ.
But the session went on, and he kept sending me signals of some kind. Zhongli would talk directly to me, ask me questions on what I thought, include me in the discussions. He would make the occasional joke to me, and chuckle when I did the same. It was so strange, but it felt good. It felt good to be wanted by another person, even if I was just imagining it.
Once we finished, he initiated further.
“Hey, Y/N… Would you mind giving me your phone number? I’d like to meet up more, just you and me. I have something to talk to you about.”
“Really?” I sputtered, feeling my face and ears heat up. “S-sure! Here!” I took his phone and typed my number in, feeling my limbs go even weaker at the smile on his face.
“Thank you. Shall we meet up here tomorrow? Same time?”
I nodded, still unsure what to say. Everything I’d felt in my life became… voided all of a sudden. Just because one person, one brilliant person, asked for my phone number, and to meet up again.
I rushed to my apartment and fantasized about the day I’d had. Some might’ve thought it was completely and utterly pathetic the situation I was in, replaying a study hangout in my mind, but it ended with Zhongli of all people asking me to meet up with him tomorrow. I grinned as I picked out an outfit, but suddenly stopped. What if it was something bad? What if he wanted me to stay away from him? What if this whole thing was a stupid prank like the ones I’d faced in high school?
The idea made me sad. Really, really sad. So sad in fact that I was starting to actually dread meeting up with Zhongli. He was so kind on the outside, but what if he was just like the others? I didn’t want to be so pessimistic about someone I’d grown so fond of, someone who’d done something for me that no one else had done for me before, but I just couldn’t help it. I got worried.
Nevertheless, I swallowed my fears and marched to my closet the next day. I needed to wear something nice, so I picked out a button-up and some cute shorts to match. That, plus some shoes and a jacket completed the whole outfit (I’d spent a good hour or so researching good outfits online the previous night). I took a deep breath. There was nothing to worry about, right?
Then came the time. I sat at the same table we’d sat at the day before, bouncing my leg uncontrollably as I attempted to calm my nerves. I grappled at my hands and felt the sweat forming. God, I had to get it under control. This was the most embarrassing thing, and Zhongli hadn’t even arrived yet. Get it together…
“Ah, (Y/N).”
“Hey! Zhongli! Hi there-!”
He smiled and sat in front of me, his moves so graceful and smooth, even with the slightest motions. “How has your day been?”
“Fine, mostly. I have classes in the late afternoons, so my mornings are free…”
“Lovely. Most of mine are in the mornings. I prefer them that way. Then my day is complete early on.”
“That’s true! Y-yeah, I like taking my time to prepare for the day. It’s difficult sometimes especially during exams. But yeah.”
Zhongli chuckled. “Should we order something to drink? I have extra money for the week for campus food. I can order something if you’d like.”
“No thanks! I- I mean I appreciate it but I can get it for myself! Thank you though, it’s really nice.”
“I insist. I don’t like wasting money.” Zhongli opened the app on his phone and punched in his order. “What do you like?”
I told him mine, and he placed it. “Lovely. I like a good cup of tea, personally. Any time of the day, there’s nothing better.”
I chuckled, “I suppose,” and relaxed myself. He really was as kind as he appeared in class, and so easy to talk to. The longer we chatted about things that really didn’t matter, the more relaxed I came to be. Things were nice when it was just him and me. It surprised me. I didn’t think I’d ever be so comfortable alone with someone like him.
“Well thank you for joining me today,” he mused, looking at the clock. “It makes me sad but I have to leave now. One of my clubs is starting soon, and you have class.”
“Oh! Oh, right!” I stood up and quickly shoved everything back into my bag. “Hey, you said you wanted to talk to me about something?”
“Yes, I did. Can we meet again next time? I’ll tell you about it then.”
He waved and turned on his heel, elegantly moving out of the cafe and to his class. I felt my cheeks and ears burn again, processing the whole thing.
The next time came and he still “forgot” to tell me. And the next time. And the next time, and the next time, and the time after that. Things started to click for me. Zhongli had confessed he’d always thought I was cute, and he wanted the chance to get to know me. He truly had become as infatuated with me the way I had with him, which… Was something I’d never thought would happen in my lifetime. We were always together from there on out. Laughing, talking, exchanging words of affection. With one person - one wonderful person, my lifetime of solitude had finally been broken. And I never wanted it to return.
#genshin impact#genshin#genshin zhongli#zhongli x reader#genshin impact x reader#genshin scenarios#genshin zhongli x reader
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I could not disagree more vehemently you are totally and completely wrong in every way. Western civilization like the rest are under satans dominion which is said multiple times in the Bible not just the example I gave where satan offers all the kingdoms of the world to Jesus if he would bow to satan. Jesus expressly said his kingdom is not of this earth, anyone telling you different is lying and is ignoring scripture. You have americanism confused with Christianity.
When Jesus said that to pilot he was not blanket endorsing government (which at the time was not even under Christendom as you say but would continue their trend of murdering Christ and his followers for many years to come. So are you saying that was God exercisng his uthority to have his own followers murdered? sounds more like the other guy to me. What Jesus was saying is actually more to my point he's denying Pilots authority exists at all. He's saying that God was allowing Jesus to be killed because it was aligned with his will because it ultimately lead to salvation. This isn't an example of the government belongs to God and acts on his behalf it was an example of God allowing satan to act because he was playing right into God's hand unwittingly. It's an example ofGod turning for good what the devil means for evil. Doesn't mean the devil is on God's side and that we should agree with and respect the devil.
And before you quote Romans 13 which most translations hold to say that we have to respect the governments authority...the original greek said nothing about government at all, it was simply saying we were to respect God's authority...government was added later.
Also before you quote to me "render under Casers what is Casers", Jesus also was not endorsing taxation. He was being accused of trying to start a rebellion, they were accussing him publicly of trying to get people tostop paying taxes to the government and instead pay them to him. Theywere accusing him of this because they were attempting to weaponize the government against him and use it to have him killed...which is what they did. He was dispelling that notion which is also the time where he specificed his kingdom was not of earth. He was not endorsing government he was claiming he was not there to overthrow it.
The government, lies, it steals, it kills every government on earth is actively fighting to destroy Christian values at every turn, how on earth can you look atany government and tell me that this heinously evil organization that commits such atrocities on a daily basis is of God and is a representative of Christ.
You're also wrong in a much more practical way there are no governments that evan claim to be Christian anymore. You're telling me the United States is a monarchy under Christ? That's not even what they are pretending to be, they're pretending to be a cosntitutional republic, or a democracy. Sounds like something someone might say to trick Christians into supporting an evil state that hates them. Now if you are just talking about the church...then sure but that's not the government. God is the only authority I recognize the only King I recognize...but that'snot what you are saying you are conflating God's kingship with the secular state which is totally wrong both in practical reality in that it's just not true and theologically.
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i usually try to accompany my hlvrai ramblings with a drawing because my dumb brain thinks my words/ideas on their own suck and have no value so i have to make them worth it with a drawing of some kind yadda yadda BUT i can’t draw fast enough to express all my ideas so i’m just gonna say fuck it and just dump some out here.
also sorry idk how to add a “read more” on mobile i will do it when i get home if i remember!!
ok anyway this is about tommy. i see him as a secret badass kind of character. in my ver of hlvrai, it’s a virtual simulation that’s got the resonance cascade on a loop. the original goal of the simulation was to figure out the best way to handle the res-cas irl—except the real world got fucked and it doesn’t really matter anymore, but the simulation doesn’t know that. tommy is very much aware of the loops since his dad is gman and all and retains memories through the loops. his main job is to more closely oversee the events and make sure nothing gets too “broken.” but he’s kind of tired/bored of it honestly. on the outside he acts all bubbly and naive, but on the inside he’s secretly like “jesus christ these people are a mess. they could never survive out in the wild.” but like he doesn’t hate the team or anything. he just gets tired of their shit sometimes. during one loop he made an immortal dog that also retains memories through the loops so he has a companion other than his dad (who, let’s be honest, isn’t exactly around). this particular loop that hlvrai takes place in is the most buckwild of all the loops for various reasons that includes benrey learning how to mess with files and remove the final boss, so tommy is a little thrown off, but it’s exciting! he really gets into being a secret little shit. like he does actually know how to handle a gun but pretends to be clumsy with it for the laughs because he knows nobody gets seriously injured if he “accidentally” shoots them. when his dad stops time to talk to gordon, tommy just pretends to be frozen too, but barely puts effort in—gordon just too distracted by gman to notice tommy scratching his nose in the background. i’d like to think that the part where tommy follows forzen down the pit and disappears with him, he takes that moment to drop the facade and corner forzen and be like “who the fuck are you and why haven’t you been in any other loop.” and forzen’s like “oh god what the hell you’re terrifying i thought you wanted a beyblade???” and the part where the coomer clones are attacking is one of the rare moments that tommy goes serious mode in combat. just silent and deadly. i love the secret badass trope ok aughhh. ok i’m done sorry for the dump.
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Of all the fic ideas I never wrote and likely won't that I have the one I really wanted to wrote/moght actually do is the OBD AU were Edward is raised by his mother. Part of it is because all my other ideas have a way higher chance to be actually used by someoene else intencionally or not but this one is seems very unlikely to me at least.
But mostly is because Edward's mom was a characther that really stayed with me after reading One Bad Day. And just like everything on that comic not in a good way. There is just something about her absence. How Edward's abusive father is a real person, he is there on flasbacks and he gets a real actual chance to try to explain himself. We see him by Edward's eyes but also by his own. And in a sense the comic is amost apologetic towards him, like he might done it wrong but he really tried his best with the genius kid he loved or something, that it makes sense that Edward being the son of whore would make him more impure and evil and harder to love and I just have no words for how shitty this all is.
But it gets worse because this abusive asshole gets a voice, he gets a chance to explain his side of the narrative. But Edward's mother doesn't. Not to Edward and not to us. Riddler killed her. He was angry and empty and she slept with his henchman (wich the comic points out as if it matters somehow) and he killed her on first meeting and we don't even see her trying to explain. Edward's mother exists as a blood stain on the wall and a dead body for shock value close to bloodied picture of Marry holding baby Jesus because subetly is too hard and we need to let clear she is the mother from the start and add some religious symbolism even if it's sorta meaningless on these context and in the words of a neighboor that might or not have being her client. Her status as a woman, as a sex worker, as poor all appear to be reasons somewhat that this is fine, that her brutal murder was bound to happen, that while she doesn't deserve her fate she doesn't mean and never meant anything more than a bloodstain in wall anyway.
She has no friends. Or if she has they are never mentioned because her neighboor didn't knew about them and Batman doesn't think she has anything to add so he never digs further. She has no partner or at least none went to the police or visited her house and if they did everyone though they were a client. Her only familly killed her the moment they met. She is insignificant. And one of the first things the neighboor says about her is: "saw her spoting a bruise on her cheek on the form of a cop badge" and "no one can save these pepple" and after he compliments her says her clients had taste and that she was nice and babysat his cat. But the bitter taste is already there and the fact that the neighboor didn't include himself on "these people" shows what he was talking about. Her brutal murder was inevitable. The cops woudn't help. Batman wouldn't notice because she didn't matter. Not even for him.
Edward's mother doesn't matter. She might be the cataclism for his change but even in that she has the same value of an inanimate object. Edward appears, screams with her, doesn't let her explain and just kills her. She has no voice. She has no importance. She doesn't matter even for the only thing she does. And it really angers me. It angers me that his dad got a scene that he deserved a moment. It angers me how misoginistic and anti sex work her treatment is but also how devoid of nothing. How a characther that could have changed the game means nothing because potential is irrelevant.
And between that and the idea that an Eddie that was raised by his mother not only might be closer to cannon Riddler in loving puzzles and riddles and not being the most over the top edgylord to ever edgy but instead follow my idea of a Riddler that learns to be unapologitically himself out of spite (this time a thing he learned copying his mother) this really makes me want to write it.
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Learning backwards
(for someone who needs to hear this again)
Some of the best learning happens backwards.
That is, you take the test. Get it wrong. And now you’re primed to learn about it.
If you review in the aftermath of that failed attempt? You will be amazingly productive. Because you’ve primed yourself to learn by blowing it.
You will get so much more out of it. For both retention and comprehension.
I can’t tell you how many times I have experienced this. Both personally and with my students.
It’s why I build a pattern that takes advantage of this into the courses I’ve designed. Introduction to concept, followed by a no-stakes activity, review of concept, low-stakes quiz, in-depth discussion of concept, graded assignment.
The thing is, backwards learning isn’t limited to classroom stuff.
Ask anyone in a long-term relationship and they’ll tell you how much they learned about their partner and themselves, and how much they grew together, in the wake of something going wrong.
But whether we’re talking about learning a new skill, growing in a relationship, or anything else, backwards learning depends on what we do in the aftermath of something going wrong.
Do we give up and bail out after it goes wrong? Or do we look closely at it, ask “what can I learn from this?” And then take advantage of our hard-earned priming to learn?
If you’re thinking that this is a rough way to learn, you’re right. Those of us who learn backwards have the scars to prove it.
Which is why getting it right the first time is held up as the gold standard. Because it’s a lot easier – when it’s actually possible. But not everyone can do it. And not every time.
Let’s be clear, getting it right the first time isn’t the only valid way to learn. Backwards learning is just as valid. And (for me at least) often more effective.
This is exactly what Jesus is talking about in today’s Gospel. Referring to His impending crucifixion, He says to the Pharisees, “When you lift up the Son of Man, then you will realize who I AM.”
Jesus knows that they don’t get it. And that they won’t get it. Until after they get it wrong. Horrifyingly, murderously wrong.
What’s amazing to me is that despite knowing this? Despite knowing how He will suffer because they have to first get it horrifying wrong before they can get it? Jesus still goes through with it all.
Which shows you and me two things. The value that God puts on the relationship that He wants to have with you. And the utter shamelessness of God’s love for you.
Your mistakes – all the times you got it wrong the first time (or the second time, or 4,387th time) before you got it – mean nothing to God.
Even if you’re still making them.
God doesn’t love you less because you learn backwards.
Today’s Readings
#Backward learning#Mistakes#God#Jesus#Catholic#Christian#Church#Shameless#God's Love#Moments Before Mass
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