I don’t feel God any more
“I don’t feel God any more…”
It may not start like this. But this is at the heart of countless conversations I’ve had with people about God. And their relationship with God.
I’m humbled by their trust. And I’m impressed by the courage that it takes to talk about it with somebody in a clergy collar.
For most of us, a moment like this comes from two places – kind of at the same time. Something traumatic. Whether it happened to us or we did it doesn’t make much difference. Plus our feelings about it.
Fueled by our memories of whatever it was, if we’re not careful (and sometimes even if we are) our feelings can grow until they come between us and others. Blocking our connections with others. Making us feel cut off from even our closest relationships. Including God.
When this happens to us, we need two things. Help dealing with whatever is at the source of our feelings that are cutting us off. And assurance that no permanent damage has been done. That someone is still there for us.
Which is why today’s Gospel is so important. No one who comes to God can be separated from God. Even by the worst things in life. Whether it happened to us. Or we did it ourselves.
As Jesus puts it, “No one can take them out of my hand.”
And that includes us. We can’t do it either. Which means that our relationship with God doesn’t depend on how we feel.
God loves us too much to let the worst things in life – or our feelings about them – get in the way.
If you think about it, this shouldn’t surprise us. Because the best relationships in our lives are like that.
As with real friends, healthy marriages, there’s more there than just feelings.
Why would it be any different with God? I mean, where do you think we got it from?
If this is where you find yourself (and we all do at one point or another, if we’re honest), don’t try to go it alone. And don’t beat yourself up.
Get the help you need. And know that God will always be there for you.
No matter how you feel.
Today’s Readings
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i had a dream that guillermo had been approached by a legendary vampire (like. the actual dracula or something like that) who told him that he could fix his problem and make him a full vampire. so guillermo ends up doing everything he says, which includes roping derek into it, and at the cumulation of it all the vampire had him kill derek which guillermo, whos so desperate to finally become a full vampire, does. and it does work, guillermo gets everything he wants from dereks death and thanks the vampire, only for the vampire to tell him that its just the start bc next theyre going to kill the house vamps (to somehow become more powerful thru their deaths?) which guillermo is opposed to
the vamp insults guillermo, telling him that hes too weak to seek real power and that he had no issues killing the vampire that turned him whats the difference with these four, and guillermo gets defensive but struggles to answer bc holy shit hes right i killed derek, who up till this point ive defended against even my vampire family, was it even worth it?? while hes dealing with that personal crisis, the vampire tells him that hes going to kills them with or without his help and then begone
guillermo sneaks into the vamps estate later intent on killing him before he could hurt his family, and sees that he has guests. he wants to be a vampire now, not a hunter, so he wants to keep the killings to a minimum and resolves to kill the vamp when hes alone. (we get to see a shot of the guests as guillermo sees it, the majority of the shot blocked but the vamps faces still clear as day and its the house vamps but guillermo couldnt recognize them bc nandor had his back to him, laszlo had a fake beard over his beard, nadja had her hair done like the bride of frakenstein and w as wearing the most modern clothes ive seen her in, (still matching with laszlo), and colin robinson was dressed like a fedora guy. guillermo for some reason said, outloud, to himself, that the vampires guests were really attractive??)
anyway guillermo tracks down the vamp when hes alone and confronts him, the house vamps enter in mid fight, guillermos secret is revealed by the vamp, everyones hurt (nandor bc guillermo was turned by someone else, laszlo/nadja bc he became a full vamp and didnt tell them). the vampire somehow revokes guillermos vampiric powers, making him human again, and guillermo manages to kill the vamp right before he could kill nandor, and everything is back to the status quo, except that now the vamps dont trust guillermo and he was left with the knowledge that he had tasted his childhood dream and now he may never be able to achieve it again. guillermo stares out a window looking at the freshly risen sun hitting the trees and sighs. he heads towards the front door, for some reason princess carrying a tarp covered nandor, who has his arms wrapped around his neck and is instructing him on what to do to make the ride comfortable and not mess up his hair. he steps outside, pausing when the sun hit his skin, takes a deep breath before descending down the stairs and the episode ends
most of the fandom was losing their minds over nandermo, quite a few people were talking about how fucked up dereks treatment was, a lot of people were complaining about the return to normal and how nothing can ever change in a sitcom, and meanwhile i was so upset that the only thing i had to say was:
“guillermo when he cant recognize laszlo: holy shit that man is attractive
#yeah. that episode was. not my favorite #im gonna try to take whatever i can from it. even if i have to remove all context #i can play with the shit and fart show scenes like dolls. if i want”
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Good Friday
The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
No part of the Passion Gospel, the Gospel for Good Friday, has any hope.
Even the tender moments – Jesus asking John to take care of his mother, Joseph and Nicodemus making sure that Jesus has a proper burial – they’re just people dealing with the fallout from death.
You know what Joseph and Nicodemus are thinking about while they’re wrapping Jesus’ body up for burial? How much this sucks.
And whether the Romans will stop at killing Jesus. Or will they, and other followers of Jesus, be next?
The more you think about it, the worse it gets.
You know what Joseph and Nicodemus aren’t thinking about? How anything good can come from this.
Much less how God is already using all of it to do more good than either of them, or anyone on Good Friday, could ever imagine.
And yet, you and I know, that’s exactly what’s happening. Because you and I know something that Joseph and Nicodemus don’t know. Not on that worst of Friday’s.
They don’t know that Sunday is coming.
But that’s how it is, when you’re where they are. When you are right in the middle of the very worst.
When you and I are right in the middle of the very worst, there is nothing that human eyes can see to tell us that it’s ever going to get any better.
When that’s where you are, the only open question is whether it’s going to get worse.
In the middle of everything that you are dealing with right now – whether it’s death or illness, divorce or the end of a friendship, job loss or financial problems – while you’re waiting to see whether you’ve hit bottom or if it’s going to get worse. You get Joseph and Nicodemus. You are right there with them.
The more you think about what you’re dealing with, the worse it gets.
There’s nothing that our human eyes can see to tell us that anything good can come from what you’re going through.
And yet, you and I know, that’s not true.
Because you and I know something. Something that’s easy to lose sight of when you’re in the middle. Something that’s hard to hold onto when you’re scared.
But it doesn’t matter. It’s okay if we lose sight of it. Because it’s still true. Even if we’re scared.
Today is Good Friday. And Good Friday shows us that none of it, not even the very worst, can hold down our God.
Because Sunday is coming.
Today’s Readings
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i just really love the trope where this very “joyful and bright and flashy” place is considered a place of great conflict. like wonderland in greater boston. it’s this big, beautiful theme park which is mainly associated in gb as, like, a place to escape to in the event of a tragedy.
what with nica taking leon there to help him “cope with his breakup,” or charlotte going there to take her mind of off her lack of direction, or the evicted residents of red line heading there for refuge after they’re torn out of their homes, and less notably, phil needing to use wonderland as a bargaining chip to get himself out of jail...
the place is typically associated with disaster and grief as well, since it’s leon’s death place, after all, and the history of tragedies it’s had (the burning robots...) just failure after failure after failure. it was renovated after leon’s death, and even AFTER that, the whole place becomes completely abandoned, once oliver, the current owner, “dies” after his wife divorces him.
wonderland’s place in the story is defined by escapism, grief, and disaster, and most of the time, when you go to wonderland, you don’t get what you’re looking for (nica took leon there to cheer him up, but he actually got so distressed that he died, charlotte went there and rode all of the rides and it didn’t do anything for her, and who knows what it might become for the new residents...)
with all of this in mind, it begs the question: what exactly does it mean, that ethan wants wonderland back so badly...?
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