ah yes! the joys of executive dysfunction and something being Fundamentally Broken In Your Braincase!

it's just not going to work it feels bad but it has to happen but breakups that happen when nothing in particular has gone wrong and it's just an issue of like...paths in life/compatibility etc etc, where otherwise you actually rly do love the person, are so hard !! like i care for u i still want to be ur friend it just wont work in a romantic way !!

yes there is privilege in being able to choose whether I go to college or not. but it's kind of like. even if I did, the job market is so bad, most degrees are rendered next to useless anyway.....all of this work, and for what? you're not getting paid much better anymore, and you'll still be working likely on top of your schooling, and you'll have lifelong debt. unless I can prove it would bring me personal fulfillment, the point has started to seem a lot less clear than it did before. is it not going to just give me stress & debt atp?

the sad part is I actually like academics, more or less. I don't like homework because my brain is bad, or the way teachers often abuse their power over their students, but I like to read and write, I like to talk to people about these things, I like consistent routines and schedules. I could hate being a student more than I do.

but college just so genuinely feels pointless, at least in the way America has it set up, unless you have an incredibly specific career you want and know you need an incredibly specific degree for. unless the field is in dire need of workers, you're just going to get done with shovelling yourself in debt to not get a goddamn job in the field you wanted anyway, which I thought was kind of The Point! more and more is expected to get hired for anything, much less a job you think you wouldn't hate,

and do you know what kind of money they want from you? you'll probably be paying college debt off your actual entire life. my dad got the job he wanted, and we are doing pretty well, all things considered (hence why I have not been forced to do any of this), but it's nothing crazy. we still have to worry about unexpected bills, like hospital visits or fixing the car. and he'll be paying his debt off literally until he dies. it will never go away, only get incrementally smaller. he didn't go to the most expensive schools. he had good grades. he worked while he was in school. he got financial aid. and this is still the way it is. if they want people like me to go to school, I need to believe it's not going to fuck me over for my entire life, which is not the future I see.

2009 European Grand Prix - Rubens Barrichello(ft. Lewis Hamilton & Kimi Räikönnen)

Spent so long trying to separate my brain from the vague and undefined essence of My Being to survive the Mental Illness that I basically re-enacted Gnosticism 2.0 and not to be like, that's why my OCD emerged later than my more common flavoured generalized anxiety& chronic depression Brainrot, but it definitely Did Not Help. And now that I am (sometimes) at peace with my mind and given that I am no longer spending every waking moment trying to stay alive I have time to reflect on the lasting body-mind-soul division that I've created for myself and like. It fuckin sucks. I hate the body. I hate that I hate the body and being an incarnate creature. But also. It's so bad wrong awful. And tbh I still hate the mind a lot many days too!

that damn web comic is rattling around in my brain ...

all my old fav youtubers coming back this fall has gotten me into a mood where I've been diving back into old bands I used to listen to religiously. and i gotta say ... they all still slap

Attempting some tablet weaving for the first time. I have essentially no idea what im doing--i did watch a few videos which mostly went in one ear and out the other, as well as look for some written guides which were completely indecipherable if for no other reason than Reading Hard.

The warping was fiddly but straightforward, and the first several inches are totally botched bc i wasnt really creating a clean warp shed bc i had no idea what belonged to what half, but after i figured that out it got way neater ! I'm not really concerned about how it looks though. This first attempt will serve its purpose either way, which is to be a bag handle so that i don't have to crochet or knit one. Yes i did finally try tablet weaving just to avoid knitting or crocheting more straps.

Also wow, these cards really arent going to last very long. I pulled them out of the 5 deck hand and foot set (hence why they're all 3s, since thats the worst card to get and i figured removing a few wouldnt be missed), but if id realized they deteriorate so fast i definitely would have just used something else. Oh well though.

Also, i had a feeling this would hurt my back, and indeed it does. I lasted about 10 minutes before it was too much. Might need to use a chair next time.

ummmm...venting *sigh*

how to explain how much the theatre backstage pics hurt me

its been 3years since i started this blog in an effort to improve my drawing and im proud of where i am now. still far from where i wanted to be but way better when i started. thanks for those who stuck with my journey, those who sent requests even if i take too long to respond, and those who liked and reblogged my posts it really helped me stick with it. i hope to grow more in the following years. thank you!

tempted to kinda clean my blog. ive been doing like extensive research while i wait for like a proper response to my ticket to get my whole thing fixed and i mean as far as i can tell. im not marked explicit or anything i just cant fucking do shit. and i dont think itll help but. idk i just. its bothering me immensely. ill delete this post in a bit, tags get kinda venty. srry

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Anxiety makes enjoying good things so hard

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love cancelling plans with ppl who don't want me there. we r both relieved but won't admit it