i feel like i'm an incredibly annoying person to have over at a house because if there is a pet in the house i will be paying way too much attention to them every time they are in the same room as me. i am unable to be normal about animals existing in the same space as me.

if you have a pet and i know about it, there will be at least 20% of my brain dedicated to thinking about how theres an animal on the property the entire time I am there.

if a cat walks in, i WILL look over at it for a few seconds and not pay any attention to a single thing anyone is saying. if a dog walks in, i WILL be trying to figure out if i can make friends with it in a way that doesn't make everyone roll their eyes at me.

Heyyy papa idk why I am invading ur inbox rn DNFNFNFB I just wanted to say stuff about how for some reason I like hearing your memories maybe cuz I never had like those kind myself just the feelings of things that happened in cannon

So I like you talking about them or your wings and your HUGE nest in las nevadas I think I would have liked to be there just us sleeping and you wrapping your wings around me and me wishing to be able to fly around with you

I think I always liked the idea

Of being a big dragon and fly around with my wings and have fun and spend time with my family

I didn't make the entire revived AU for nothing dnfbfjr

If you want to ramble abt your memories idm I love hearing them :]]

-tilin⭑

I ALWAYS LOVE RECEIVING EXTRA MESSAGES FROM YOU KIDS - ITS OK !!!

AND THATS VERY VERY SWEET HBSJDBD

That’s heartwarminngg hhhhh<3

I WOULD HAVE LOVED FOR YOU TO BE THERE IN MY NEST AS WELL - that nest was so cozy it made me feel so safe and it was SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHAT I HAVE NOW SOB

BUT I TOTALLY WILL RAMBLE - ILL ALWAYS RAMBLE VIA REQUEST >:D

I was so very very vocal around you kids - dsmp and qsmp,, im just full of bird noises :]!! Coos, chirps, quacks, squawks, you name it !!! I had a large variety of bird noises I made towards you and your siblings <3 !!

In the dsmp i had a bad track record with love and was verY traumatized so the way I showed love at first was through gifts !!! I used to spoil Tommy rotten :]. (Tubbo wouldnt let me - he refused to take my gifts)

And then after I healed and realized I didnt need to hide my affection for others - I gave out words of affirmation and physical touch !!!

I WAS LIKE. PRETTY FUCKED UP ???? In the dsmp, after I got my injury to my eye/face, I had to take a couple weeks at least to be able to properly navigate again. Karl and Sapnap forced me into using a cane, which was something I very much needed if I didn’t want to walk into something or just fall over-

And just the eye thing in general messed me up permanently ??? Like I stopped using my cane and was okay most of the time without it - but my vision was really fucked and I couldn’t read cursive at all and needed bigger writing on documents to be able to read them, but the dsmp wasn’t a very accessible space so I just sucked it up and dealt with it.

I even learned braille because of it !!! Sam taught me braille !!! Sam also taught me some basic ASL and Foolish taught me more in depth ASL.

I remember Wil getting bad back pains and just aches after they got revived. I think it was just a side effect they had to deal with after it all. We couldn’t do much to help it, but I always made sure to give them a heating pad and some good pillows !!

Speaking of - I believe both me and Wil had chronic fatigue ? I think I just had it while Wil got it as a side effect from getting revived - either way it SUCKED

I remember playing with Fundy during Pogtopia and making sure he stayed fed and kept him company when I could :]

This isn’t a memory but in my head I always refer to Ranboo as the weird stray cat my kids decided to start feeding that never left lmao /lh /aff

Phil took care of me once ???????? I’m pretty sure I was grieving Wilbur and dealing with a whole bunch of feelings about that entire situation when he died - and I ended up on Phils doorstep basically completely shut down and he took me in and just started fully taking care of me. It was a weird experience- I don’t like the man for my own personal grudges but he’s still a kind soul.

Wilbur had a tendency to work himself or keep himself busy until he passed out - he hated sleeping after revival.

Schlatt but the bi in bitch - and other than that fantastic line I don’t want to talk about him lmao

OH I once panicked after I couldn’t find Tommy in the penthouse thing we stayed in in Las Nevadas and made various chirps and warbles while searching for them- they were simply in another room and I was panicked for no reason , Tommy did end up responding with quiet confused chirps hhdjdbd

I HAD SHARP FANGS AND TALONS >:D!!!! I think I also wore fingerless gloves too - sometimes just wearing plain gloves to hide the burn scars that I had on my hands

AND I DONT HAVE AS MANY QSMP MEMS BUT I remember feeling uneasy around Bad ????? He was a friend of mine n all but I remember avoiding him for a bit and feeling unsafe around him annnd I don’t quite know why

OH AND I DEFINITELY PERCHED ON ETOILES SHOULDERS !!! He was THE friend ever actually :3

Jaiden and Baghera were / are like siblings to me, almost !!! I remember we were pretty close :D !! Jaiden and I were close friends and Baghera and I had more of a sibling relationship !!

I vaguely remember Maximus introducing me to his daughter !!! She was pretty cool and it was an awesome experience

THATS ALL I HAVE FOR NOW- I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS !!!!!

today has been a hell of a day

i ordered the wrong edition of my law & ethics textbook, i rectified the situation, but that was just. yeah.

i stopped doing school work to eat lunch and wrap my mother's birthday gift and then proceeded to lose ALL steam to do anything

i managed to push through, but was working really slow. and i get a call. almost don't answer it, bc it says "spam risk" but the number looks familiar, so i answer it and i'm glad i did, bc it was my law & ethics teacher. she read my introduction assignment where i mentioned that i've been a having a rough time with online learning due to my adhd and chronic fatigue. she called me to see if there was ANYTHING she could do. told me she has adhd too. and she knows how bad many teachers are with being flexible. i mentioned that i don't have legit accommodations bc i don't have the diagnosis on paper, bc the clinic i was going to was terrible and the ONE psychiatrist who was actually helping me left just as we were really getting going on everything being official. and she just was like no, no you call this person and you talk to her. get your accommodations. and when i tell you it took all of my self control not to start sobbing until she hung up.

so after that, i kept chugging along, not really getting much done, but at least trying to keep going. and then my stomach decides that i had just too much caffeine today and decided to be a bitch. i hate that my caffeine limit on my stomach just seems to vary every fucking day. ideally i just want two things with caffeine a day. one in the morning (which is always sweet iced tea and an absolute must) and one in the afternoon or with dinner, usually a soda. some days, i can have a third caffeine beverage. sometimes just a single one. it's stupid. i hate my body. everything is broken.

and eventually i just hit a wall, i hit my limit. told my friends let's play solasta. so we did. and then i started having really weird graphics issues that just... were really inconvenient. we stopped playing, friend started having me gather information. tested all my games and it was doing it to everything that i play, except ffxiv. and then all three of my friends decided they're buying me a graphics card for my birthday and it'll just be early. it's a 4070 and it should arrive on friday.

overwhelmed with Feelings tonight

It is fucking heartbreaking to sit next to the person you love as they wordlessly unravel. It happened again today, like it’s played out many times before: her hand limp in mine, shoulders shaking, breath catching on choked sobs, not saying a single word. And I just sit there feeling like an asshole, all my questions, pleas, and offers of support hanging uselessly in the air.

I hated getting out of the car with her still in that state today, hated how the door slammed while she was mid-sob. But I needed tonight to myself. I had actually intended to write a song for her for her birthday, but haven't had time to work on it due to the amount of time we spend together, and the proportion of that time we spend fighting or afraid of fighting. Anyway, she told me she would be ok for the night, then called me an hour later to ask me to come over. I went against the boundary I’d set, as I’ve unhelpfully taught myself to do, and went. Oh, and did I mention she lives two blocks from me now?

Today’s unraveling started during our couples therapy session. Lately she has been feeling very nauseous, achy, fatigued, and emotionally overwhelmed by all the chronic bad feelings. She’s also acknowledged sadness and fear about the relationship in light of her chronic health issues, but hasn’t wanted to share much with me. Both of us seem to feel misunderstood or unheard, no matter how hard we’re trying to explain and listen. We really are trying. What’s hardest for me to navigate—and to express kindly—is that she always occupies the role of the victim in any conflict we have. When I feel disappointed by something she’s done (or more often than not, won’t or can’t do), the cause is usually her pain, illness, or fatigue, which means it would be unfair of me to blame or be upset with her. Even if I do have cause to be frustrated (like with her drinking), I know she won’t have the emotional and/or physical capacity to adequately address the matter in those moments. So over and over again, I have to just let things go without being too disappointed, always being patient and calm and understanding and humble, and if I do bring it up, process it as quickly and apologetically as possible or she will think I hate her and want to leave.

Conversely, when something I do causes her pain or anxiety, she rarely has the reserves of energy, mood, self-esteem, etc. to either let it go or process it with me quickly. Instead, even small stumbles can send her over the edge of despair and require hours of talking, weeping, cuddling, and massage to work through. This time the hurt was that she had to wait for me in the driveway for 20 minutes, after a long day and when she was in pain, because I didn’t see her text saying she’d arrived, or notice how much time had passed since she told me she was coming. I should have responded better, with an apology and promise to do better, rather than immediately following my “sorry” with saying she should have just called me. But I also remember after some previous time blindness incidents that I’d asked her to call me in situations like this, though she swears that conversation never happened. But let’s say she’s right, and I was fully in the wrong—is this really an offense that warranted hours of tearful discussion and confused silence to work through?

I am tired of holding so much of her pain while feeling so clueless, constantly guilty, and alone in the relationship. I am also more disappointed than I want to be that she can’t give me the kind of comforting touch that I give her. I fucking love receiving massages, being held, getting fucked to completion. I love giving her those things, but every time I do I can’t help yearning for her to give them in kind. Most of the time, she just can’t, so bringing it up would be cruel and pointless.

She has been expressing more gratitude for the intimacy and acts of service I bring to the relationship since the big turnaround, which means a lot to me. But the fact is that being close to her is no longer for closeness’s own sake. It is more about giving her love, safety, and comfort than sharing them. She says there’s nowhere she feels safer than in my arms. I so wish I felt the same about her. I did, at least for a little while, right when we got back together. When I was worried I’d need too much caretaking from her, that I couldn’t ask her to carry the despair I was feeling in addition to her own struggles. I think I was right.

What Is Dehydration?

When your body doesn't have enough water, dehydration occurs. Your body can't function effectively without enough. Depending on body fluid loss, dehydration can be divided into mild, moderate, or severe. In any such situation, you should use the Best Hydration Drinks to maintain body fluid and electrolyte balance. 

What are the Dehydration Causes?

Every day, your body loses water by breathing, sweating, peeing, pooping, and tears and saliva (spit). Typically, you restore the lost liquid by consuming liquids and foods high in water content. You risk becoming dehydrated if you fail too much water or don't consume enough food and liquids.

The following can cause you to lose more water than normal:

The flu

Diarrhea

Vomiting

excessive perspiration

urinating a lot

No, they are not the cause of dehydration, including: 

Being busy causes you to forget to drink enough.

You're not aware that you're thirsty.

You're sick to your stomach, have a sore throat, mouth sores, or don't feel like drinking.

What are the symptoms of adult dehydration?

The following are a few indicators of mild or moderate dehydration:

Dry or sticky tongue or thirst

Not urinating frequently

Pee is dark yellow.

Cool, dry skin

Headache

muscle pain

If you find any such signs of dehydration, consider having Best Hydration Powder to fulfill the water requirement in your body. Also among the warning indicators of extreme dehydration are

Having no urine or urine that is a highly dark yellow

super-dry skin

becoming lightheaded

a quick heartbeat

quickly breathing

recessed eyes

drowsiness, fatigue, mental haziness, or irritability

Fainting

In all conditions, you can use hydration powder with medicine to restrict such issues and prevent further body loss. 

Do your child's dehydration symptoms differ from others?

Infants and early children may experience different symptoms than adults, such as:

Dry tongue and mouth

Absence of sobbing tears

Diapers for 3 hours to dry

The cheekbones, eyes, and top of the cranium all have a sensitive area.

Drowsiness, fatigue, or agitation

You need medical treatment for severe dehydration issues.

Who is susceptible to dehydration?

Anyone can become dehydrated, although, for some persons, the likelihood is greater:

The likelihood of infants and young children experiencing severe diarrhea and vomiting is the highest. They also lose the most water due to a high fever. The youngest cannot express their thirst or obtain a drink alone.

Elderly people frequently do not recognize their thirst. They might not be able to get a drink quickly if they are no longer able to move about adequately, or they might have medical issues that prevent them from consuming enough fluids.

When suffering from a cold or sore throat, some people may not feel like eating or drinking.

If a chronic illness like type 1 or type 2 diabetes is not under control, a person may urinate a lot. Additionally, they might take drugs like water tablets, increasing their urination frequency.

When exercising outside in hot and muggy conditions, people may struggle to cool off since sweat doesn't evaporate properly. A higher body temperature and a need for more water may result from this.

If you find low energy and stamina during any sports activity, you can use Best Sports Drink to rehydrate your body and refill the energy. 

Conclusion

If you are suffering from Diarrhea and Vomiting, your water level goes down in your body. It would be best if you considered visiting a doctor to slow down and stooping such issues. Also, you should add ORS to your daily routine to maintain electrolytes and water in your body.

Article Source : https://www.transitsblog.com/what-is-dehydration/

loong vent about pain, fibromyalgia & my past

I remember writing a journal entry when I suspected I had fibromyalgia bcs of it's connection with trauma and chronic stress. And just sobbing. Because I was a child when I started having these pains. i was under so much stress and not taught how to process or manage emotions (besides repress & ignore them) at such a young age that my body became ill. my body has warned me time and time again (legs collapsing, gastrointestinal issues, pain) that something was gravely wrong and I wasn't getting the attention I needed and it wasn't my parents that helped me get a diagnosis. I'd been complaining about pain since I was like 9 years old and only when I was 17, with my grandmother's intervention, did I get an MRI of my spine. The scheurmanns' disease gave me some explanation, but being told to just take ibuprofen for it, when I was in constant, agonizing pain, was reductive to say the least.

Only this year, this WEEK, have I gotten a diagnosis. With the help of my supportive friends and brother going with me to appointments. I had to seek out treatment by myself and visit doctor after doctor for issues I've been having since I was a child. And it's hard to not be upset that I didn't get better care earlier. It's hard that I was repetitively told by my dad's wife that I was faking, was a hypochondriac, was doing it all for attention. My dad told me to stop complaining about my pain at some point and so I did. It came to him as a genuine shock when I had to remind him of my pain and tell him about everything I was doing to get help. And how my life circumstances contribute towards that pain.

I guess my first traumatic experience was my parents divorce, and the consequences of that. I took my first plane by myself when I was like 6-7 years old. I couldn't understand or process or grieve my parent's divorce, moving countries and not seeing a parent for an entire year. only to have to go back, by myself, to visit over the summer. I've been haunted by missing people my entire life.

It's hard to believe yourself and your trauma and how much it impacted you, even when you have literally physical evidence of the fact. Even when you've been working on trauma and mental health for 6+ years. It's funny because the doctor said fibromyalgia is common in people who are hyperactive and take on too much. I never considered myself hyperactive because of my fatigue. But my calendar will tell you otherwise; because I had to push through and had to keep living and find solutions. I am so deeply involved, care and feel so deeply that it causes physical pain. It's hard to stop doing something that is so fundamental to your identity and morals. At nearly every chance I get, I will take responsibility upon myself without being asked in any way to do so. The urge to fix and to help and to pour everything out for others is so hard to contain because all I want to do is make things easier for others. I want to care and be kind and be helpful to others. And learning that I needed to stop doing some of that because it's literally causing excruciating physical pain is just like. then what's the point of it all? what do I do, if not help those around me? how do I deny myself the thing that brings me the most fulfillment, but simultaneously, the most pain?

Something frustrating is that my loved ones will never know what I'm actually going through. But I'm also thankful for that. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's just hard sometimes. you often can't see that I'm in pain since I'm so used to masking. I forget people don't have to put as much effort into things that I do. I go out of my way to try and accommodate others, who don't actually need the accomodation I'm providing. Its hard not being able to do the things you used to do. Grieving a life, really. And hopefully one day I'll be able to do some of those things again. It's just hard sometimes to see a future for yourself when your current situation is so uncertain and you don't know if you'll get better, or if this is just what it's going to be like from now on. I should get better, but the fear that I won't is definitely present.

Something Good Can Work

Dhawan!Master x Reader

Summary: Reader has a flare up and the Master is there to comfort you. Hurt/Comfort 

CW: Depression. Chronic Illness. 

A/N: I’ve never written Y/N before. Never been into it to be honest. But I’m obsessed with Dhawan!Master and I’ve been having a flare up so here we are. 

It was nine at night, a mindless television show filled the silence of your lonely apartment, and you were overwhelmed. It snuck up on you, a slow creeping suffocation that stole your breath and led your mind to dark places. The panic of it all made you restless. Your foot tapping out a familiar beat of four as you stared off into space. You couldn’t focus. There was a haze that overtook you and muddled your thoughts. It was a struggle to maintain any sense of coherence.  

The Master left you on Earth weeks ago saying that he couldn’t afford to waste time looking after his pet when he had a delicate scheme to execute. It wasn’t his leaving you that made you like this so much as it was the absence of the distraction he could provide. The mania, chaos, the do or die that so very often came with his travels, and the destruction he enjoyed bringing to the universe provided a constant distraction from the tangled mess in your head and the tremors in your body. 

Now that he was gone, it all came rushing back. You’ve always been isolated from the people around you. Your mental state and bad rough making it difficult for you to keep up with friendships. You have long since stopped talking to your family, no longer able to handle the toxicity that came with your mother. What little social skills you had were especially shot after traveling with the Master for so long. 

You were bored and lonely and in so much pain. The Master knew of your chronic illness but you rarely ever discussed it with him. You were constantly pushing yourself past your limits to keep up with him. After all, you didn’t want to give him any reason to leave you for good. So you pushed and you pushed. Fatigue left your body heavy with pain and still you pushed. You made sure that he would never know of just how much of a struggle it was for you to travel with him. It often led to flare ups like this when he leaves you and you can finally stop for a minute and let your body rest. 

“Shh…” You didn’t realize you were crying until you felt the Master wiping away your tears. You didn’t even hear him arrive. You’ve never seen him so concerned before. He was on his knees before you, looking up at you with his sad puppy eyes. His eyes, usually so manic and angry, were soft at the sight of you. It was disconcerting to say the least. 

“Master?” Your voice was timid, scared of what he may say. You’ve spent so much time and effort avoiding having him see you in such a state. You didn't want him to know. He already thought you weak, there was no telling what he’d think of you now. 

“Y/N, what's wrong?” The Master held your face in between his palms. Those hands have destroyed planets, brought entire dynasties to their knees, seduced kings and queens, and now they’re comforting you. “Hey, I’m here now, love. What happened?”

You couldn’t bring yourself to talk. You simply didn’t have the focus or energy to. Instead, you felt yourself break even more as you wrapped your arms around his neck, sending the both of you tumbling to the ground. He held you as you sobbed and you couldn’t hold back your emotions any longer. 

“Oi, who do I have to kill?” He said softly in an attempt to make you smile. You knew it was only half jokingly as you were aware that he’d slaughter anyone who made you upset. He has actually. You briefly remembered a commander on some planet who had said some rather cruel insults concerning you and the ensuing takeover led by an irate Time Lord. 

“No one.” You muttered, thinking you only had yourself to blame for this situation. You and your stupid body. A part of you was just happy to have him like this. He was always so sharp and callous even in his treatment of you. Your mind screamed at you, telling you that this was only a dream and that he’d never actually be here comforting you. You heard him inhale sharply and gripped you tighter. The both of you were laid out on the flour with you on his chest and you couldn’t help but hold him tighter. There was no telling the next time you could touch him like this. 

“You’re projecting, dear.” He muttered quietly, causing you to freeze. This was it. He finally realized how much of a wreck you were and he was going to leave you. The Master rubbed your shoulders in an attempt to ground you. He started to sit up, bringing you with him. His back was now against the couch and he held you against his chest. His heartbeat calmed you as it gave you something other than sheer panic to focus on. “No, no no. I wouldn’t leave you, love.” 

“But you do, all the time. I never know if you’re going to come back for me.” You admitted softly. 

“I’ll always come back, pet.” He sighed. “This is how you recuperate, right? I know that you have problems with your health and I assumed you prefer being here to heal. Our travels aren't always the easiest on you.”

“You knew? About how I…?” You trailed off. 

“How you struggle? Yes, love. You’re not exactly good at hiding your thoughts.” 

“And you still came back? I thought you hated me like this.”

“What part of I’ll always come back don’t you get.” He was annoyed and suddenly you were scared again. He ran a callous hand through his hair. “Oi. Don’t be like that. You don’t have to be scared. Just talk to me.”

“Huh?” He wanted you to talk to him? You thought he hated it when you rambled. 

“Do you really think so little of me? I know I haven’t exactly been the kindest to you, but surely you aren’t that frightened of me?” 

You didn’t have anything to respond to that. He was often so volatile that you never knew what to say without risking him exploding. You tried to be patient, knowing that he often needed to vent and have someone to go off on. But it left you unsure where you stood with him. Were you companions, friends, partners or were you nothing more than a pet to him. 

“Fuck. You are, aren't you? Is this why you never talk to me?” 

“Not frightened, no. Just nervous.” You gathered up all your nerves, knowing you were going to need them to have this conversation. Neither of you were particularly good with emotions. “There are days that you seem happy to have me around and there are days which I can't seem to do anything right. You always yell, regardless.” 

“Y/N, I, fuck.” He sighed deeply. You’ve never seen him so hesitant before. “I’m sorry. You’re always so resilient to whatever gets thrown your way. I never gave any thought to my words.” 

You chuckled sadly. “I have to be most days. It's hard living like this, traveling with you. But I love it, especially on the good days. I could do without the constant pain and fatigue, though.” 

“About that;” The Master turned you around to where he was eye to eye with you. “Why didn’t you tell me it was this bad? Don’t try to lie, please, I can feel it radiating from you.”

“I didn’t want to be abandoned. But you knew that already.” You buried your face in his neck, unable to look him in the eye. 

“It can’t be just that, love.” It was nice having him run his fingers through your hair. You never realized how touch starved you were before this. “There’s more to it then that. You can tell me.”

“Hmm.” By the stars, it was so nice having him here like this. Never would you have imagined him holding you and comforting you. “I didn’t want you to think any less of me. I know you hate humans already.” I couldn’t bear you hating me, you thought knowing that he’ll hear you.

“I couldn’t possibly hate you, dear.” He knew what those pet names did to you. “What I hate is thinking of you suffering in silence; too scared to talk to me.”

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for. I should have been more aware of your needs.” 

You tensed at that. “I’m not a pet.” 

“No, you’re not. You’re still mine; however, and I need to start taking better care of you.” He grabbed your face again, caressing your jaw. “Which means, I need you to communicate with me. Stop trying to take on everything by yourself, especially me. You can tell me to shut up, you know.” 

You started to laugh. You couldn't imagine telling the Master of all people to shut up. That would be suicide for anyone else.  You poked him in the chest. “I actually like to hear you talk most of the time. Just don’t yell, ok?” 

“I can do that.” He grinned. You probably just gave him a huge ego boost which is the last thing he needed. “In return, I need you to be open with me about your health. Let me help you.”

You nodded and bit your lip. The next request you were going to make could change everything, if he’ll allow it. “Can I stay on the TARDIS, permanently? I don’t want to be on Earth any more. At least, not without you.”

“Of course you can, dear. In fact, I would be ecstatic to have you on board full-time.”

“Then why do you leave me here? I thought you didn’t want me in the way.” 

“I thought this was how you recuperated. Whenever I come back for you after a couple of weeks, you always seem renewed.” He was playing with your hair again. It was nice. 

“You’re not wrong, but not for the reasons you think. It catches up to me when I’m here. Everything stops and I crash. Then I sleep and rest as much as I can.” You wanted to cry again. The intimacy and honesty of the situation baffled you. You weren’t used to this. The Master was being soft to you, caring for you, and it was everything you ever wanted since you started traveling with him. “Sometimes I end up in the hospital.” 

He tensed at that. “You should have told me.” 

“Yea. I should have. I’m sorry.” 

“No apologizing. We’ve been over this.”

“I’m…” You felt a finger against your lips and the Master gave you a look. “Ok, no more apologizing.”

You felt a kiss on your forehead and you froze. This was getting to be too much. 

He chuckled at your blush. “Come on now, love. Let's get you officially moved in.” 

Can Optimism Positively affect Life with Multiple Sclerosis?

Have you heard this question before, “Is your glass half empty or half full?”  

It suggests a particular situation has two sides - optimism and pessimism.

My Glass is Half Empty

 The doctor’s words echoed in my head,

 “The results from the MRI indicates you have multiple sclerosis”

 “The results from the MRI indicates you have multiple sclerosis”

 “The results from the MRI indicates you have multiple sclerosis”

 “The results from the MRI indicates you have multiple sclerosis”

“The results from the MRI indicates you have multiple sclerosis”

She continued to speak. I remember watching her mouth move but not hearing a single word she said. I felt numb and scared and broken. In March 1990, in my first year of teaching high school physical education, I was diagnosed with MS.

 Fast Forward Three Weeks

When I wasn’t teaching, I went to the teacher prep room on the school’s 2nd floor. I sat at the desk in front of the large window and sobbed, sobbed, and sobbed some more. One day in May, the door opened and in walked Paul - another teacher in the PE Department. He pulled up a chair and sat next to me. I continued to stare out the window while tears rolled down my face.

Paul - “Patti, do you know why you have MS?”

Patti - “What? What did you say?”

Paul - “Do you know why you have MS?”

Patti - “No, I don’t, but I have a feeling you’re about to tell me!”

Paul - “Patti, in your past life you were a great person. . . .”

Patti - “What?”

Paul - “You were the greatest among your people; respected, smart, caring, and a strong role model for others. You were GREAT . . . so great the high spirit had to give you a challenge in this life. This is why you have MS. This is the only way others could ever be your equal.”

A Day I will Never Forget

On this day, the clouds disappeared and my outlook on life changed from doom to optimism. My change in attitude served me well; at least for the next five years.

Today, my Glass is Full

Paul’s message to me in 1990 affected my mindset and how I go through each day. In the morning before my feet touch the floor, I think of something for which I was grateful. It can be as simple as the sun’s warmth or as complex as gravity for keeping me grounded.

Even though I have multiple sclerosis, I didn’t think about the “what ifs?”  What if I wake up in the morning and I can’t use my legs? What if I have to give up my driver’s license? What if I can’t take care of myself?  

Instead of sweating over the negative impact of MS, I live in the present. I try not dwell on the losses, which isn’t easy. Instead, I get excited about the possibilities in my future, (also not easy. But, when I screw up and not stay on course, I let it go. After all, I’m only human :) 

Over the last twenty years, I believe in the positive impact of optimism in my life. Pessimism is not welcome in my house.

Optimism and Multiple Sclerosis

I know first hand how devastating it is to be diagnosed with a chronic illness. Yet, I also know my life with multiple sclerosis is richer when optimism leads. Some friends say I am not being realistic and tell me to accept the uncertainty of my future. But my reply is always the same; WHY? Seeing my life through the lens of optimism serves me better than worry, doubt, and fear. For example, when I fall, I am grateful I can get up again. When feeling overwhelmed by fatigue, I lay down because I know it’s temporary. But don’t get me wrong; staying positive doesn’t always work! Sometimes I have to ask for help to get up, and sometimes the fatigue lasts much longer. Despite this, my truth is I cope much better with symptoms of MS when I see the glass full, not half empty.

Multiple Sclerosis and Depression

The relationship between chronic illness and depression is easy to discern. Most chronic diseases make doing the things you once enjoyed challenging to maintain. Many erode self-confidence and hope in the future. No surprise, then, that people with chronic illness often feel despair and sadness. For example, the adverse effects of chronic asthma on everyday life can cause depression.

Depression usually limits a person’s ability to interact with others. It can lead to even more self-isolation, which is likely to make the depression even worse.

The Biology of Depression

Sometimes chemical imbalances in the brain can lead to depression. Studies in brain biology say naturally occurring substances called neurotransmitters are present in the brain. The neurotransmitters implicated in depression are norepinephrine, serotonin, and dopamine. Low levels of these neurotransmitters contribute to symptoms of depression. Antidepressants, which are the prescribed treatment, balance the chemicals in your brain. These medicines help to improve mood, promote better sleep, and increase concentration.

Since 1997, antidepressants make my life with multiple sclerosis worth living. Without them, I fall apart and sink into a very dark place. I tried three times to stop taking antidepressants, and EVERY time I crashed. So, now taking them every day is routine, like brushing your teeth every morning.

I am not implying my life with multiple sclerosis is easy. I am inferring my life with MS is better when I am optimistic. Do you understand the difference? I try every day to see the positive side of every negative situation. Many times I can’t, but I don’t beat myself up. I move on with my day and leave the past in the past.  I’m hoping with practice this eventually might get easier.

What Do you Think?

How does this post resonate with you?  What are the key take aways? Are you interested in learning some tips to begin living your life with MS with the intention of being optimistic?

Let me know and I’ll send you,

How to stay optimistic when the world around you isn't?

I would appreciate if you would join my FaceBook Tribe, RECOVER-RESTORE-RENEW Empowering Women with MS. Please answer the questions as your responses help me to create content you are interested in reading.

take my scars & make them stars - ch 1

Rating: M Ship: Kristoff/Anna Chapter One

Tags: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Sick Fic, Cancer Fic, Chronic Illness, Chemotherapy, Modern AU, Coffee Shop AU, Fluff and Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut, Angst with a happy ending, Mutual Pining, Mentions of Character Death

Read on Ao3

Previous Chapter/Next Chapter

Anna was aware of the changes coming her way. And there were many. It was rare to be diagnosed with breast cancer under the age of forty to begin with, let alone having to be treated for it in her twenties.  

Of course, they had money. Elsa could afford to give Anna the highest quality care possible. She was lucky for that, she knew. And she was grateful for Dr. Mattias. He was really great, and she was glad that if this had to happen to her, this kind man was the one looking out for her. He told her she was his youngest breast cancer patient. Well, he’d remember her for something at least.

Dr. Mattias made the decision for surgery a bit easier.

Anna sighed, sitting in the chair as she fiddled with her thumbs. “You can’t tell me what to do?”

“I can’t exactly tell you what to do, no, since this is your body and you’re young. It’s ultimately up to you,” he explained as he leaned back against his own chair.

That wasn’t what she wanted to hear. She understood it wasn’t technically within his right to make this decision for her, but he needed to give her more advice.

“Dr. Mattias…” she began, “i-if I was your daughter, sister… e-even your mother, would you tell me to remove them?”

Pursing his lips, she could tell he was debating his answer. “Considering this is more on the aggressive side… if I had a family member in your position I would tell them to do it.”

That was it. That was her answer.

“Then we’re removing them.”

And so, the plan was set in motion. Chemotherapy would come after the breast removal. It was… terrifying to think about. Just how quickly her life could change. What her body was about to endure. She was afraid, sure. But… this could be the beginning of a new chapter.

Besides, Anna knew her breasts weren’t even that big. She wouldn’t look that much different without them. On the outside, at least. She could always buy a bra to stuff when she went out. Under her clothes would be much, much different. Still, she was unable to care. This was going to save her life. She didn’t think anyone else would be looking beneath her clothes ever again anyway.

Hans ruined that for her, she thought bitterly.

She’d never had a surgery before. Elsa and Gerda were both there by her side as she was wheeled away on the table. Anna gave a tiny wave with her fingers, giving them what she hoped was a reassuring smile to calm those worried gazes. Her nurses were nice enough. The surgery was supposed to take two to three hours then they’d stitch and bandage her up.

It was weird to think… she wouldn’t have nipples anymore. She giggled aloud at that, making the nurse give her a concerned look. Pursing her lips, Anna quickly shot her gaze to her lap. The pinch of the I.V. made her wince just a bit. It was something she’d have to get used to for chemo, she knew.

Dr. Mattias walked in the door, giving her a bright smile. “You ready?”

Nodding, she sighed. “As ready as I can be.”

“You’ll make it through this, Anna, you’re young and healthy.”

She laughed at that. “Besides the cancer, right?”

Dr. Mattias had gotten used to her horrible jokes to lighten the mood at that point. So, in response, he gave a throaty chuckle. “Yeah, besides that.”

“Thank you for checking in, Dr. Mattias.”

He smirked with a curt nod. “Anything for my favorite patient.”

“I’m sure you say that to all of your patients.”

Dr. Mattias hummed before heading towards the door. “Maybe, I do.”

It wasn’t long after he left the room that Anna felt her breathing slow. Her head lulled to the side, letting her body relax. She’d never experienced anesthesia before… but her limbs suddenly felt like lead, and she let her eyes droop closed. There were vague memories of nurses walking in and out of the room. She remembered hearing more commotion around her until everything finally fell silent. For the first time in forever… Anna felt at peace.

                                                        o~o~o~o

The weeks following her surgery were hellish, to say the least. She was sore with her skin black and blue. Elsa giving her sponge baths was more embarrassing than she’d like to admit. It was instinct to want to cover her chest before she’d remember—oh—there wasn’t anything there to cover. Draining the fluids from her incision, having Elsa help change her bandages, trying to get clean enough to not stink but not get her stitches wet.

She was so relieved when it was time for her follow-up. Anna was so ready to know. She wanted to know what she was going to look like the rest of her life. Elsa had questioned her about getting implants, but Anna just laughed. No way she was putting something synthetic in her body after dealing with this. There was no predicting how her body would react.

Dr. Mattias gave her the all clear to function as normal again. She could drive again, take showers again, even go swimming if she wanted to. Anna wasn’t quite sure if she was ready to figure out the whole… bathing suit situation yet.

“It looks like everything is healing up nicely, Anna. We’ll see you back here in a month to start chemotherapy,” he said as he made notes on a clipboard.

Anna had so many questions, but she just didn’t know how to ask them. “What…” her voice was weak, but loud enough that it caught her doctor’s attention. “What really happens with chemo?”

Sighing, Dr. Mattias dropped down to his chair, sitting eye level with her. “It really depends on the person. There’s a lot of side effects that could occur. Obviously, hair loss is usually a given. The rest could be really anything. Fatigue, bruising, numbness in limbs, loss of taste, short-term memory loss are side-effects I’ve seen in my patients.”

“So, chemo really sucks, huh?” she asked while forcing a weak smile.

“Yes, it really does.”

                                                       o~o~o~o

 Elsa is there for her first round of chemo. Her sister sits in the chair beside her, taking her hand gently as they pinch the I.V. into Anna’s arm.

She can’t see Elsa’s face since it’s covered by a mask. It was still too dangerous for her sister to be exposed to any serious illnesses in the hospital, but there was a sympathetic glint in her crystal eyes. “Are you okay?”

 Anna can’t help but stare at the drip as it drains slowly into her skin. Knocked out of her thoughts, she does a double take towards her sister. “What? Oh! Y-Yeah, I’m fine.”

“It’s okay to be afraid, Anna, I understand.”

She knew she did. Elsa went through turmoil herself growing up, despite how bitter it made Anna, she knew it wasn’t her sister’s fault. Elsa wasn’t responsible for her parents’ choices. Sometimes she worried Elsa felt guilty. But she made up for it being by her side during this battle. That’s what exactly Anna needed. Her only living family left being there for her, despite the risk of her own health just walking into a hospital… it meant a lot.

It was nice to have their relationship slowly building again. It was nice living Elsa and Gerda… that was home. Truly.

“Thank you, Elsa… for being here.”

Even though Anna couldn’t see her mouth, she could see the movement of her cheeks and the twinkle in Elsa’s eyes. “Of course. There’s nowhere I’d rather be than here for you.”

“I love you,” she told her. Truly and sincerely. Just these last two months of Elsa’s support meant everything to her. It was nice to finally have her sister back.

Elsa squeezed her fingers. “I love you, too, Anna.”

                                                       o~o~o~o

 It was happening. Anna knew it would. Just… not so soon. She gaped down at her hairbrush, seeing the chunks of ginger hair matted into bristles. Quickly, she dropped the brush and gazed at the mirror. She threaded her fingers through her locks, gazing down at her hands in horror as whole handfuls of her hair covered her palms.

Heaving a breath, Anna grabbed the counter for leverage, feeling as though she could collapse any moment. She gave in, letting out a shrieking sob. Falling to her knees on the porcelain tiles, Anna wept. The hairbrush fell to the floor with a clatter. She curled into herself, hugging her torso tightly as hot tears streaked down her flushed cheeks.

“Anna?!” Elsa called before bursting into the door.

Sniffling, she wiped her nose on her sleeve, waving her sister off. “I-I’m fine.”

Her sister was on the ground next to her quickly, hands gripping her shoulders. “Hey, don’t lie to me what’s wron—” she saw it then. The hairbrush and the locks of hair scattered on the floor. “Oh, Anna…”

Elsa tugged Anna into her, winding her arms around her shoulders. The dam broke loose as Anna gripped her tightly in return. Cries echoed through the bathroom as she buried her face into her sister’s shoulder. There was a silence as Elsa rubbed soothing circles along Anna’s back. As her sobbing and sniffles eventually died down, Anna struggled to catch her breath.

Helping her to a stand, Elsa smoothed her hands over Anna’s upper arms. “It’s okay.”

“I-I just…” Anna took in a breath, finally calming herself enough to speak. “I just didn’t know it’d happen this fast.”

Her sister smiled. “You know what?” Elsa passed her before dipping down and opening their father’s old drawer, much to Anna’s confusion. She emerged with their father’s electric razor.

Gaping at her, Anna flicked her gaze between her sister’s grinning face and the razor. “Elsa, you’re not serious.”

“I’m dead serious. We’re taking your power back. Cancer may be making you lose your hair, well, screw it. You’re going to be bald on your own terms, not when cancer tells you.”

Anna let out a laugh of disbelief but smiled, nonetheless. “You’re crazy.”

Elsa simply cocked a brow, hitting the button and the shaver began buzzing.

Sighing, she caved. She pulled the stool out from the vanity and took a seat. “Okay, fine. But if we’re going bald, we’re doing the eyebrows too.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Tongue poking out between her lips, Elsa leaned over Anna’s head before pressing the razor lightly to her scalp and shaving a stripe down the middle of her hairline. Anna’s jaw dropped at the sight of a bald line going down the center of her head. Reaching up, she touched it, feeling the hairless skin.

“Oh my god.”

“Well, it’s done now. Might as well finish.”

“Elsa, oh my god.”

                                                       o~o~o~o

Anna had learned the “poor you” stare long ago. Any time Elsa went out in public with her gloves and mask, it was the look she got. Those over sympathetic stares of people wanting to say “aww, poor thing” but the words never come out. But then they realize they’re gawking and quickly turn away as if they hadn’t noticed at all.

But never had Anna had the “poor you” directed at her. She had made a point to still dress feminine… She was bald without boobs. It was all she had left, really. She made a point to wear frilly tops, short high waisted shorts, and hoop earrings. Things that screamed: “I’m a girl!!” Any beanie she wore was a bright pink. For breast cancer? Sure. But it was also her favorite color, so why not? It added to her overly girly assemble.

Thinking about how she hated Elsa having all the attention… boy, didn’t she wish Elsa was still getting the attention for wearing satin gloves in the grocery store. She’d given anything to blend in. Dr. Mattias had given her places to find reasonably priced wigs, but when Anna tried them on… it felt odd. They irritated her scalp, made her itch. She much preferred soft beanies to cover her pale head.

Elsa showed her different ways to apply makeup. It helped, Anna thought. Anything to make her feel more comfortable in this new body. In this new normal that she was steadily being forced to adjust to. It was weird to rub her eyes and lose a few eyelashes. It was weird not having to shave anything anymore. Her body that was once covered in fair ginger hair was suddenly bare, with only her freckled covered skin to vouch for her hair color.

Anna hadn’t meant to shelter away into their home. It just—happened. She had come to dread leaving the mansion just because of the looks. People pretended like they weren’t pitying her, weren’t staring at her. But she knew they were. It was okay. She understood. Seeing someone bald with no eyebrows or eyelashes? She kind of looked like an alien. Felt like one too…

She’d grown accustom to going to the hospital for chemo treatments, staying a few days, then heading back home. No pit stops. Nowhere needed to go in between. It wasn’t like she could go hang out at the coffee shop like she did when she was taking college courses. Besides, what if she ran into—him. That was the last thing she wanted. Letting that grimy man see her at her lowest would be mortifying. Especially since she’d come to feel better after group therapy at the hospital. Hans hadn’t traumatized her, by any means. Anna was mostly pissed off at herself for staying with the jerkwad so long… but she wasn’t going to dwell on him!

Besides, coffee was off the menu. Doc said it caffeine was a no go. She had to stick to the healthy meal-plan they’d given her. A healthy diet meant a healthier body to fight whatever cancer and chemo both would try to do to her.

But apparently, Elsa was growing tired of her hermit activities. She was one to talk! She never went anywhere!

Anna was curled on the couch, a book her hands as she noticed Elsa coming down the curved staircase dressed in a casual but cute summer assemble. Eyeing her sister, she squinted. “Elsa? Why are you dressed like that?”

Elsa wasn’t one to wear shorts, by any means. Unless she was going somewhere. Her sister tended to lounge around their home in leggings or gowns.

“We’re going to the coffee shop.”

Smacking her book closed (she forgot to save her place!), she shook her head. “Oh ho, ho, no. I’m not. What if I see some old classmates? I can’t even get any coffee.”

“Okay, but will one chocolate chip muffin kill you?”

Anna blinked. “Um, yes. Quite possibly, Elsa.”

“I won’t tell Dr. Mattias if you don’t.”

She glowered at her. “I can’t lie to my doctor. That’d be stupid. I know it may not be that big of a deal, b-but… can you imagine? He’ll hit me with that ‘disappointed dad’ look so quick!”

Elsa came over, taking her book from her hand. “Dr. Mattias said to be careful, but he wants you to live your life, Anna. Isn’t that why you came back home to begin with? To get away from the toxicity so you could live happily?”

“Yes,” she muttered under her breath. She hated it when Elsa was right.

“Look, sis, if anyone knows about not living a life, it’s me. But you’ve inspired me to stop being afraid of living. In fact, I’m going out without a mask today.”

“But still the gloves?”

“I’ll breathe the air, but I’m not touching people.”

Anna laughed at that. She sighed with a bob of her head. “Okay, fine. I’ll go with you. Let me get ready to go.”

“Do you want false lashes today? I bought extras.”

She paused on the steps, pursing her lips to think about it. “You know what? I will today. If I’m going out and could possibly see people I know, I may as well look hot doing it.”

Elsa beamed. “That’s the spirit.”

                                                    o~o~o~o

 Ah, yes. There it was. The stare. Many patrons of the store flicked glances in Anna’s direction. She just chose to ignore them. Elsa ordered for them, much to Anna’s delight, and brought back a chocolate chip muffin to the table with her.

Anna groaned. “Elsa, I told you not to.”

“It’s one muffin, Anna. I’ll take the heat at your next appointment, okay?”

“Fine,” she huffed. She couldn’t argue too much. Anna really did want to eat the muffin. She took the paper wrapping off, glancing around. She tried to ignore the unwanted audience. It was fine. She was fine. But when Anna took a bite and chewed, she grimaced and sat the muffin back on the wrapper.

“Anna? You alright?”

Swallowing, she forced a smile. She couldn’t taste it. The sweetness on her palette was dulled, despite how she desperately longed for her taste buds to cooperate. It sucked. Not to mention the ache from the ulcers that were developing along her gums.

Anna hadn’t confessed to her sister about how much it sucked to eat. She’d casually been eating ramen, mashed potatoes, and soups without her sister noticing. Gerda had noticed, she was sure. Since Anna would take whatever Gerda and pick at the food, and her former guardian started making much softer foods. Even offering Anna jello or pudding in the middle of the night.

Trying another bite, Anna pretended to enjoy it and not express her frustration to her sister.

Elsa kept glancing past Anna’s shoulder, and she grew more and more annoyed with her sister’s gaze flickering away. Finally, she caved. “Elsa, what are you looking at?”

“The barista. He’s checking you out, I swear.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “He’s looking at me because I’m clearly a cancer patient, Elsa.”

“No, seriously, Anna. I know the pity look and that’s not the look he’s giving you.”

Scoffing, she set her muffin down. “Watch, as soon as I look at him he’s going to look guilty and hide.”

And Anna did just that. She flung herself around in her chair. There was no line at the register at that moment, so she had a clear look at him. He was a bulky guy. Not one that’d be expected to be making coffee. He was tall, blonde… and maybe kinda cute. Not that she’d admit it aloud. His golden-brown gaze met hers. He seemed surprised that she’d spun in her seat so quickly, but he didn’t break the eye contact. The guy just… smiled at her. Then turned his attention to the countertop he was apparently supposed to be wiping.

Anna gaped, turning back in her seat, sucking in her bottom lip as she felt her cheeks heat. “H-He just…”

“He smiled at you.”

“What does that mean?” she hissed quietly.

“Go talk to him.”

“What?”

Elsa slipped her the credit card across the table. “I want another s’mores latte to take home, pretty please.”

“Someone in your condition shouldn’t drink this much coffee.”

Her sister waved a palm. “Coffee has nothing to do with respiratory problems.”

Anna squinted at her. “Uh huh. If I humiliate myself, you’re fully to blame.”

“I’m willing to take the heat.”

Sucking in a breath, she stood from her seat, making her way over to the counter. She stole a glance back at Elsa, who gave her a cheeky, apologetic wave. Anna didn’t think her sister actually felt guilty at all. She stood patiently since the blonde hadn’t seen her approach. He glanced up, noticing her, his hand slipping off the counter with the wipe.

He recovered quickly, standing up straight and clearly his throat. “Uh, hi. I-I mean… What can I get you?’

“A 12-ounce s’mores latte, please?” she asked.

He nodded. “Name?”

“Elsa.”

Nodding again, he picked up the cup, fumbling with it a moment before catching it in his hand. “Right,” he sputtered out before fleeing towards the machine. Anna watched him from the counter. He seemed to be giving himself a little pep-talk while working.

What a cute dork, she mused.

He came back, coffee in hand as she extended the card to him. Her breath hitched when his hand brushed hers. His hands were huge. She was amazed at how tiny she looked in comparison.

As he worked the register, he cleared his throat. “E-Excuse my prying, I may be completely out of line here. B-But someone in your—condition shouldn’t have coffee, should they?”

Lips parting in surprise, Anna couldn’t hide how stunned she was. It shocked her to have a total stranger ask her about her health. She couldn’t even find it in herself to be offended. It was simply elating to have someone ask and not stare.

He seemed ready to backpedal when she finally got the nerve to answer. “I-It’s not for me. It’s for my sister, Elsa.”

“Oh!” he nodded frantically as he handed the card back to her, not touching her this time. Anna didn’t want to admit she was a bit disappointed. “Right, that would—that would make sense, yes. So—So… if you’re not Elsa… what’s your name?”

Anna cracked a smile. “It’s Anna.”

“Nice to meet you, Anna,” he said quietly

She glanced at his name tag. “You too, Christopher.”

His brows furrowed then he glanced down at his name tag. “Oh! Oh, right. Yeah. It’s Kristoff, actually. My boss—well, there was a misprint.”

He was charming in his own awkward, cute way wasn’t he? Anna chose to ignore the way her heart fluttered hopelessly in her chest. She gave him a nod and a smile. “Well, then… nice to meet you too, Kristoff.”

Kristoff’s lips twitched into a smirk. “Y-Yeah.”

“See you around,” she added before retreating towards the table.

Elsa was grinning, far too proud of herself when Anna reached the table. Sliding her sister her coffee, Anna buried her face her palms.

“Anna, you did great,” she cooed.

She shook her head.

“Oh, stop being dramatic. He’s so into you.”

Anna glanced back over her shoulder at Kristoff, who was now serving a group of customers that had arrived. “No way. There’s no way,” she said and turned back to her sister. “There’s no way a guy that cute would like a bald girl with no boobs.”

“So, you admit you think he’s cute?”

Standing, her chair squeaked as it slid from the table. “I think it’s time to go, Elsa.”

Elsa gave a knowing tilt of her head, quirking her brow. She took the credit card from Anna, slipping it into her purse and pulling the bag over her shoulder. Elsa took her time picking up her coffee from the table, making Anna sigh in annoyance. She knew sure as hell that her sister was taking her sweet time on purpose.

As they headed out the door, Anna chanced one last glance at Kristoff. He waved. And she couldn’t help it… and gave a tiny wave of her fingers in return.

Alright ya’ll, I’m feeling edumacational and honestly, documenting my experience with things helps me to remember and process things so I’m going to do that here. 

Let’s talk about PMDD. 

What is PMDD?

PMDD stands for premenstrual dysphoric disorder, and it is identified as a hormonal disorder that causes an extreme version of PMS. It is a “severe and chronic medical condition.” 

What are the symptoms? 

Symptoms of PMDD include, but are not limited to: 

Sudden and extreme mood swings

Depression or feelings of hopelessness, including suicidal thoughts or fantasies 

Intense anger and conflict with other people

Tension, anxiety, and irritability

Decreased interest in usual activities

Difficulty concentrating

Extreme fatigue and increased time sleeping

Change in appetite

Feeling out of control

Trouble falling or staying asleep

Cramps and bloating

Breast tenderness

Headaches

Joint or muscle pain

Hot flashes

for 3-4 days each month prior to or during the menstrual cycle. Many also report vision changes, infections or illness, forgetfulness, fluid retention, swelling of joints, severe spinal pain, weight gain of 7-10 pounds, paranoia, vomiting, skin irritation or itchiness, bruising easily, decreased coordination, crying spells and/or poor self image. 

Who gets it? 

Approximately 5.5% of women, transgender men, and non-binary individuals of reproductive age who experience a menstrual cycle. However, roughly 90% go undiagnosed. 

I have PMDD and endometriosis. It affects me and my life, and changes the way I behave or respond to things for a few days each month. My mental health is currently the best it has been since I hit puberty, but for a few days each month I am struck by the worst of the depression symptoms: poor self esteem, frequent and uncontrollable crying, suicidal thoughts/apathy towards life and the future, etc. because of this disorder. 

In conjunction with the day or two of these feelings each month, I typically experience immense fatigue (for an example, between Friday and Saturday of this past week I slept 8-10 hours each night and an additional 4-5 hours on and off throughout the day, when I typically sleep 5-7 hours a night with no problems). This go around, I have found bruises all over my body with no discernible cause.  I spent roughly an hour on Friday crying, knowing perfectly well there was no real reason for it beyond a minor case of hurt feelings. And as many of you saw, I reacted dramatically to a situation that usually would have been only of minor annoyance. I usually have extreme sweet cravings, and I am one of the individuals who experiences 5-8 pounds of water weight gain once a month. 

For me, it usually looks like this: 

4 days before my cycle, my anxiety skyrockets. I catch myself worrying obsessively and have to actively work to maintain normal breathing patterns and trying to avoid an anxiety attack. I often have to use sleep aids to fall asleep at night because I can’t stop thinking and will work myself into a panic without assistance. 

3 days before my cycle, I have one day of extreme irritability. Every little thing puts me off, and I am almost eager to start an altercation with someone, nitpicking words and texts and taking great offense to things that I normally wouldn’t pay much mind to. 

2 days before my cycle, I usually get a migraine. Pain medication doesn’t help with it, and the only thing I can really do is try to sleep if I don’t have to work. 

1 day before my cycle, I hit an extreme low that ranges from general apathy towards existence to full blown existential crisis and passive suicidal ideation. I sleep a lot, thought I don’t intend to do so, and often don’t remember falling asleep afterward. 

The first day of my cycle, I am in immense pain. Cramps that limit my ability to breathe, and that have in the past caused sobbing, vomiting, and often the feeling that I’m going to pass out. I have found myself on the floor before with no memory of how I came to be there. At best, I will have shooting pain up and down my spine that makes sitting painful and moving impossible. Thankfully, pain medicine helps this to subside enough that I can function. 

The second day of my cycle, I typically fall into recovery. I’m wiped out by the previous 4-5 days and my productivity is low as I recuperate and try to give myself a rest. Sometimes, I wind up apologizing for things I said or did a few days before. Sometimes, I’m able to track the cycle and avoid interaction with others unless absolutely necessary. 

From there, I have typical cramps and bloating and nausea assorted with menstruation, compounded at times because of endometriosis. 

This is my life for 5-8 days every month. It can be exhausting, it is painful, and at times it’s overwhelming, and very few people know about this disorder. I did not know about it until last year, and each month I felt like I was going crazy because I couldn’t imagine that this was what everyone felt each time they had a period. I didn’t know what it was, and I didn’t realize these were predictable symptoms that I could track, manage, and treat. I’m still learning to do so. 

If any of this sounds like something you experience, please feel free to ask me questions and speak to your doctor about getting an official diagnosis. 

Week 2/7 in Mazatlán

July 13, 2021

Buenos Dias Amigos~

This past week has been amazing and we’ve experienced so much already. Literally everyday we have something to do from 7am till 8pm and it’s a glimpse of what it means when the bible said that we are called to die to ourselves, this sanctification process. We have to surrender our freedom, control, and comfort being here. We agreed as a team to only spend our personal money on Saturdays and Thursday evening and for the rest of the week use only our team’s budget to buy coffee, drinks, or snacks, in the afternoon. We can’t conveniently go to the market and buy what we want, we can’t have our own personal time whenever or wherever we like, and during the day since we don’t have a/c in our room we would have to escape the heat and humidity to the small library or prayer room which is often crowded. The showers are cold, we have to put on strong bug spray and sunscreen daily  because we get cooked and eaten alive. We don’t even get cold water to drink here but we are grateful it is unlimited and filtered. But to be honest, I realized, as I entered a local’s home to use the bathroom that their living situation was so much worse. Us dying to ourselves was to be able to relate for the people we say we have come to love. This is a glimpse of what Jesus did for us by humbling himself from glory to a stinky, poor, dirty manger.  Every time I have a moment of grumbling and wishing to go back home, I am reminded that this time that I have, this privilege to serve the Mexicans here with my team at a time like this….it is a one time deal. I won’t get it again and I don’t want to look back regretting if I could have done more. I am so thankful for the leaders that we have that encourage us to have the freedom to hear from God. They truly walk in the fear of the Lord and not by their own agenda. 

Monday: We met with the Stone Island church plant team and pastor that we are partnering with. We trained them on how to start an Alpha course for the following week. Alpha is a great platform that allows others to know more about Jesus. Imitating Jesus’s ministry while he was on earth, it’s sole purpose is to build relationships and allow open discussion for anyone who is interested with, of course, food. Alpha is free and easy to use and is in multiple different languages so anyone who is interested can start an alpha course with a group of people. In this case for our Stone Island church plant, to help their church grow we are helping jump start it by creating flyers, creating the atmosphere with decoration and food, training, showing the video for each week, and helping to run it for the next 4 weeks. There are 11 weeks total and each week there is a video talking about different topics of who Jesus is and different aspects of the Christian faith. After the Alpha course is finished, the local church could take it from her discipling the people that started this course. This allows the local churches to be empowered and for this ministry.. to be self sustainable even when we leave. It’s exciting because it’s both our first time ever running it but our leaders have seen the wonderful outcome of Alpha and so we have faith this is what God is leading us to do. After training, we split into small groups and did our first street evangelism. I’m not going to lie, I felt like a cult sect and I’ve never done it this intentionally before and it was a humbling and eye opening experience. I had to overcome my fear of man and what they thought of me and remember that God has commanded us all to share the good news and the love of Christ. One of the highlights was when we actually saw a young teen wearing all black with a black mask from a far sitting on a bench. When we were walking towards him, as if he knew he got up and walked to another bench. I felt like he knew and I had a moment of feeling the fear of man rise of what he thinks of me, but we just pushed through and spoke to him. He was also with his sister whom we found out to be Jehovah witnesses. Surprisingly they were open to us talking to them as most Jehovah witnesses are pretty closed off. I felt they were curious and surprised how we didn’t try to shove the gospel down their throat and we were just wanting to develop a relationship and love on them. We even were able to pray for them which was a wonderful experience.

Tuesday: In the morning we were supposed to go to the dump ministry but we ended up only going to the market store that helps supply the food for the poor there. The market owner was this sweet old gentleman who always had a smile on his face even though in his store there were flies everywhere, it was dirty, hot, and smelly which was a humbling experience. It was evident that him and his fellow workers really loved Jesus and they were serving joyfully. In the evening we had ministry night and the praise band asked if our team would like to lead worship. We had so much fun leading the congregation and it was so touching to see how far our team members have come since the beginning of DTS, from broken..to being on fire for Jesus. I led a healing altar call and a girl named Trinity got healed by Jesus from chronic pain in her feet. It was just so amazing to see how we were activating all that we learned in lecture phase to outreach and seeing the fullness of what God wanted to reveal to us. 

Wednesday: We did bible distribution and in my group I was with Haya and yoonkyung. We went down the street that we were assigned and all the families we encountered were catholic and not open to the gospel but willing to receive the bible at least. We were able to thankfully pray for them and get to know them with our broken spanish. I just pray and trust that the word of God is powerful enough to impact their lives the moment they read it. One of the highlights there was a guy named Cezar who we saw in his front yard. He is in his early 20s and his prayer request was for his family during this pandemic since two of his relatives passed away from COVID. Haya felt the Lord saying to Cezar that God was near him and Cezar was touched by those words. On a side note, one of our team members was feeling bitterness and frustration since he felt left out and misunderstood.He is the oldest guy in our team and while in Kona there were other staff members around his age that were his community but being here alone with his family was difficult. As we did our team brief we unexpectedly had a powerful time of prayer for healing, vulnerability, honesty, and freedom for some of our team members. It was one of the most unifying moments for our team and was much needed. 

Thursday: This day is when we get to choose what kind of ministry we want to volunteer in. The options are skateboard/surf, children’s ministry, soccer ministry, hospital ministry, immigration ministry, Stone Island ministry, and Bible distribution. I wanted to do immigration ministry since it deals with the border issue and as an American I felt more obligated to know more however there wasn’t enough room in the car so I went to the hospital ministry. The hospital ministry used to be where we would go and visit the patients and pray for them. Due to COVID, visitors and family members have to stand outside the hospital gate. Family members of patients would come from all over since there aren’t many hospitals in the country and would sleep in front of the gate waiting for the news of their loved ones. We provided food and drink for the weary travelers, worship music to encourage them, the gospel to those who have no hope, and prayer. The highlight for this ministry was when we met a mexican missionary there who was recovering from COVID whose wife and nephew were in the hospital. As we prayed I felt just such grief and sadness hit me and that’s when I realized this was what Jesus felt for this missionary. He started to sob and we shared encouraging words that we heard from the Lord to him. He was so encouraged and felt convicted that he has been focusing on ministry more than intimacy with the Lord and he felt refreshed. Another highlight was the fact that there were so many mosquitoes there and we were getting eaten alive. I never experienced humidity, fatigue, heat, being tortured by mosquitoes while praying for someone and sharing the gospel and both I and the people that I’ve met were twitching. It is an experience I will never forget and despite us looking crazy slapping our legs and moving around to not get bit, I felt the patient’s families knew that God is real and He is love...otherwise why would we put ourselves through this torture.

Friday: Today was our weekly visit to Stone Island to do street evangelism and I particularly wanted to go to the home that I first visited last week. It was because I heard one of my friends who went to Stone Island last week visited the same family and shared that after we prayed for one of their family members, she got healed. We decided as a team to go visit them. When they saw us they invited us in and we all started to continue to build on that relationship that we started last week. We prayed for the grandpa who experienced a warmth sensation that he has never experienced before and his knees were healed. We prayed for a widow who lost her husband a month ago. We prayed for a woman whose son was in rehab due to a possible drug overdose and her grandson. ( We later find out that her son got out of rehab and is doing better! PTL)

Saturday we had our day of rest and Sunday we went to church on Stone Island and debriefed!

Prayer request:

1) Unity: The enemy is really attacking us through personal issues and it has been affecting our team unity and has been distracting us from focusing on outreach. Please pray for grace, obedience, and the fear of the Lord for all team members so that we would not miss out on what God has for us. 

2) For the people of Mazatlan and Mexico: God revealed to us that the field is ripe for harvest and we want to walk in obedience in faith to harvest what God has sown. Would we not let fear of man get in the way from us sharing the gospel out of love. We have started to establish some relationships so please pray that they would be connected with the locals here so that discipleship could be initiated.

3) Health: COVID cases are on the rise, and so is fear here in Mexico. Please pray that we would use God’s wisdom and discernment. Please pray that our team and those whom we have encountered would not get COVID. We’ve been taking turns getting diarrhea, dehydrated, and fatigue, please pray for protection and grace. 

Gracias! 

Alicia

Father Brown Reread: The Hammer of God

The little village of Bohun Beacon was perched on a hill so steep that the tall spire of its church seemed only like the peak of a small mountain.

It took me a ridiculously long time to figure out that Bohun Beacon is named after the Bohun family.

The name Bohun Beacon reminds me of Beacon House from Manalive. In that book, the beacon name was meaningful--it was supposed to be a light for the world. I don’t see the same symbolism in this story--there’s not much good or worth imitating in these characters.

In my Father Brown omnibus, “seemed” in this sentence has three e’s (seeemed). I find this amusing.

Colonel the Hon. Norman Bohun, his elder brother, was by no means devout, and was sitting in evening dress on a bench outside “The Blue Boar,” drinking what the philosophic observer was free to regard either as his last glass on Tuesday or his first one Wednesday. The colonel was not particular.

This passage amuses me.

It’s also quick and efficient characterization of Norman Bohun.

The idea of evening and morning dress is such a strange and foreign concept to modern minds.

Few except the poor preserve traditions. Aristocrats live not in traditions but in fashions. The Bohuns had been Mohocks under Queen Anne and Mashers under Queen Victoria.

Chesterton’s skewering the upper classes in a way we haven’t seen since “The Queer Feet”.

Mohocks were a gang of aristocratic criminals in the early 1700s who attacked, disfigured, and killed men and women. A masher was a man who made unwanted sexual advances toward strange women. Chesterton’s not just calling the Bohuns and aristocrats fickle fashion-followers--he’s calling them criminals and scoundrels.

This suggests that Chesterton finds fashions to be evil things, while traditions are more likely to be wholesome and worth hanging onto.

Certainly there was something hardly human about the colonel’s wolfish pursuit of pleasure, and his chronic resolution not to go home till morning had a touch of the hideous clarity of insomnia.

I know just what Chesterton means by “the hideous clarity of insomnia”. A great description.

He seemed to live for nothing but religion; but there were some who said (notably the blacksmith, who was a Presbyterian) that it was a love of Gothic architecture rather than of God, and that his haunting of the church like a ghost was only another and purer turn of the almost morbid thirst for beauty which sent his brother raging after women and wine.

A good impulse (a love of beauty) can be turned to horrible things if it is turned in the wrong direction or taken too far.

Chesterton doesn’t do much to hide the possibility that the Wilfred is the murderer.

Wilfred looked at the ground, and said: “The blacksmith is out. He is over at Greenford.” “I know,” answered the other with silent laughter; “that is why I am calling on him.”

This is the first murder where the victim is shown as a truly despicable person. I suppose it’s meant to make us think about the idea of justice, and make us sympathize with the murderer a bit.

There he began to think less about the half-wit, with his livid face and mouth like a fish. He began to think less of his evil brother, pacing like a lean lion in his horrible hunger. He sank deeper and deeper into those cold and sweet colours of silver blossoms and sapphire sky. In this place half an hour afterwards he was found by Gibbs, the village cobbler, who had been sent for him in some haste.

At first read, this is a peaceful passage. After knowing the ending, it’s sinister. He’s forgetting about other people and sinking into a selfish stupor. By not thinking about people, it’s easy to dehumanize them.

And after knowing the ending, “silver blossoms and sapphire sky” doesn’t refer to the window--it’s a certain hammer falling from the heavens.

Chesterton throws in a nice, casual misdirect. It’s easy to assume that “found in this place a half hour later” means he stayed there for half an hour. But it doesn’t say that at all. There’s room for a lot to happen between the beginning and the end of that half hour.

Wilfred clenched his frail hands. “What devilry has he done now?” he cried in voluntary passion.

I hadn’t realized just how many tiny clues Chesterton sprinkles into his prose.

“Voluntary passion” is an easy phrase to skip over, but it suggests that he chose to exhibit passion--he’s putting on a front.

And “frail hands” is a clue when we’re considering why the murderer would choose a small hammer.

They included the doctor, the Presbyterian minister, and the priest from the Roman Catholic chapel, to which the blacksmith’s wife belonged. The latter was speaking to her, indeed, very rapidly, in an undertone, as she, a magnificent woman with red-gold hair, was sobbing blindly on a bench.

Yet another red-haired woman in a Chesterton story. (His love for Frances gives me life). It automatically signals that the blacksmith’s wife is a good person.

I’m surprised the judgemental and intolerant Presbyterian blacksmith  tolerates a Catholic wife.

“Where’s Simon Barnes, the blacksmith?” “He’s over at Greenford,” faltered the curate. “More likely over in France,” said the cobbler. “No, he is in neither of those places,” said a small and colourless voice, which came from the little Roman priest who has joined the group. “As a matter of fact, he is coming up the road at this moment.”

I will never get tired of these casual moments of Father Brown being right--especially when he’s fadedinto the background so far in the story. 

I wonder if the curate’s fearful upon realizing that he chose a moment when the best suspect--the blacksmith--had a rock-solid alibi.

“Don’t say anything! Oh, don’t say anything,” cried the atheist cobbler, dancing about in an ecstasy of admiration of the English legal system. For no man is such a legalist as the good Secularist.

When a man abandons faith in God, he has to put his faith in the systems of man.

This ties in with a theme of the story--who should judge the criminal, man or God?

The Secularist has to rely upon the legal systems of man for judgement and justice. A thing becomes moral based on whether it is legal or not, and punishment must be given to the fullest letter of the law in all situations. The religious person knows that God will ultimately judge wrongdoers, making Earthly mercy a more tolerable prospect.

Then he pointed to the colonel and said: “When did this dog die in his sins?” “Moderate your language,” said the doctor. “Moderate the Bible’s language, and I’ll moderate mine.”

I do not like the blacksmith.

His character adds nuance the story’s debate. It’s not just about religious versus non-religious people. It’s about legalistic versus spiritual philosophy.

Because even though God will judge the criminal, He also has mercy.

The blacksmith has religion, but holds onto the harshest ideas and interpretations of the Bible. To him, justice is black-and-white--good is rewarded, bad it punished. He has no room for nuance or mercy the way that a less legalistic person’s religion would.

One of those silences struck the group which are more strange and insufferable than any speech. Madly, in order to make conversation, the curate said to the Catholic priest: “You seem very much interested in that hammer, Father Brown.”

I am way too amused by imagining these characters standing around in awkward silence.

I sympathize with the mad desire to make small talk, but honestly, curate, why shouldn’t Father Brown be interested in the hammer? It’s the murder weapon! You should all be interested in it!

The further I get into these stories, the more I realize that Father Brown’s superpower is the ability to prioritize. And it’s not so much that he’s good at it, but that everyone around him is super bad at it.

The Rev. Wilfred was almost trembling with the excitement of his own glimpse of the truth. “Don’t you see; don’t you see,” he cried feverishly; “that is the only theory that covers both the riddles.”

Wilfred is teetering on the edge of madness in his fear and anxiety. He has a palpable and pitiable desperation to escape justice without harming any innocents. It’s a dizzying display of mental and emotional gymnastics for the character and the reader.

When silence had fallen he said with marked respect: “Mr. Bohun, yours is the only theory yet propounded which holds water every way and is essentially unassailable. I think, therefore, that you deserve to be told, on my positive knowledge, that it is not the true one.” And with that the old little man walked away and stared again at the hammer.

Father Brown is impressed by Wilfred’s desperation to pin the crime on someone who can’t be charged for it.

(Though was that really the case in English law? Even if he can get away with some sort of insanity plea, doesn’t this put him in danger of being locked up in an asylum as a danger to society?)

Thus, Father Brown warns Wilfred that he’s figured out the truth (and possibly gives and invitation for confession?)

I don’t think Father Brown’s ever been described as “old” before. He’s obviously not a young man, but the use of the word “old” shocked me. It doesn’t seem to fit him, even if it’s true.

“That fellow seems to know more than he ought to,” whispered the doctor peevishly to Wilfred. “Those popish priests are deucedly sly.” “No, no,” said Bohun, with a sort of wild fatigue. “It was the lunatic. It was the lunatic.”

Anti-Catholicism alert.

I just realized that the doctor might be accusing Father Brown of the murder. Or at least of hiding evidence.

Poor Bohun. This murder business is tearing him apart--his one impulsive moment of action is destroying his life. He can’t take much more of this; no wonder he confesses.

The shaken Wilfred was led away by Father Brown, who had an easy and friendly way with him. “Let us get out of this horrid place, Mr. Bohun,” he said. “May I look inside your church? I hear it’s one of the oldest in England. We take some interest, you know,” he added with a comical grimace, “in old English churches.”

I love Father Brown’s gentle compassion. Bohun is being torn apart, and Father Brown is handling him very well.

For all that, he’s not above making a slightly combative joke, reminding him that the great old Anglican church was stolen from the Roman Catholic.

But he nodded rather eagerly, being only too ready to explain the Gothic splendours to someone more likely to be sympathetic than the Presbyterian blacksmith or the atheist cobbler.

Once again, Father Brown has more in common with the murderer than with any other character. I love how in Chesterton, there’s no division between detective and criminal . Everyone has the potential to be both sinner and saint.

Father Brown ran not down, but up, with the agility of a monkey, and his clear voice came from an outer platform above.

Flambeau’s energy starting to rub off on you, Father?

“Look at that blacksmith, for instance,” went on Father Brown calmly, “a good man, but not a Christian--hard, imperious, unforgiving. Well, his Scotch religion was made up by men who prayed on hills and high crags, and learnt to look down on the world more than to look up at heaven. Humility is the mother of giants. One sees great things from the valley; only small things from the peak.”

The thesis of the story, expounding on the theme of humility and pride. Pride is a dangerous sin, because it can also corrupt the virtues and thus make the best of men into the worst of criminals.

In his pride, Bohun looked down upon his fellow men and raised himself up to the level of God, administering justice when he had no right to do so, either from heavenly or earthly authority.

Wilfred Bohun threw one leg over the parapet, and Father Brown had him in a minute by the collar. “Not by that door,” he said quite gently; “that door leads to hell.”

Father Brown is just awesome. Tough and gentle at the same time, and with a gift for a one-liner.

I leave things to you because you have not yet gone very far wrong, as assassins go. You did not help to fix the crime on the smith when it was easy; or on his wife, when that was easy. You tried to fix it on the imbecile because you knew he could not suffer. That was one of the gleams that it is my business to find in assassins. And now come down into the village, and go your own way as free as the wind; for I have said my last word.”

I’m not sure I agree with Father Brown here.  “Mad Joe” would probably suffer if people thought he’d killed a man. At the very least, they’d probably lock him in an asylum somewhere, which couldn’t be pleasant.

Then again, when murder comes with the death penalty, I could see where Father Brown might hesitate to turn in a murderer who shows signs that he’s not a true danger to society.

Wilfred Bohun carefully unlatched the wooden gate of the yard, and going up to the inspector, said: “I wish to give myself up; I have killed my brother.”

This is what makes me okay with Father Brown’s decision to keep quiet. By doing so, he convinced the murderer to turn himself in, which makes for a more satisfying ending than just handing him over to the police.

A year of being single...

Hi guys, i just want to have a bit of a real-talk with you about how much my life has changed in the last year, since I became single. This time last year, I was driving to my sister's house while completely sobbing. I was panicking and sad and angry and I didn't know what I was going to do. My boyfriend of almost 9 years, the guy I thought I was going to marry one day, told me that he didn't love me anymore and hadn't for almost 3 years. As you can probably imagine, I was completely devastated. It wasn't the heartbreak I was concerned with though; I quickly realised that I didn't have anywhere to go and had no idea what to do next. My sister lived 30mins from me so I called her and told her what happened and asked to stay with her for the night. I packed a bag (mostly full of law school stuff) and headed to her place. I wasn't there long before I decided to head back to my ex's place and try to understand what was happening. Realising that it was almost definitely over, I actually drove to my mums house, 3hrs away, at 4am. I spent 2 days with her just crying and walking around because I couldn't stay still. I then went to my dads (an hour away) and ended up staying with him for almost 3 weeks. This is the first time in my entire life that my dad was actually a parent to me. When I accepted that my relationship was definitely over, he held me as I cried for several hours. He repeatedly told me that I was going to be okay and that I would be better off in the long term. My lecturers were incredibly understanding about my situation - I still did all the work, but I couldn't attend classes until I found somewhere to live. Luckily, my cousin was looking for a housemate so I moved in with her for 2 months. I've moved twice since then, and SO much else has changed. - foods I now like: mushrooms, onion, sweet potatoes, oysters - I have friends. - Tonnes of new tv shows, books and music I like - BodyCombat - Actually have a relationship with my dad - My birthday was actually good this year - Official CFS diagnosis, but it's actually some sort of autoimmune disease - Luna!!!! (My car) - I have moved 3 times in the last year - I'm learning french, like actually doing it and not just saying I'm going to do it. - Started to learn calligraphy - More than halved my belongings - Closer to having the wardrobe I want - Cut my hair off - and I like it - New glasses - and I like them better - Least anxious I've been in over a decade - I live on my own terms and I don't feel guilty about anything - Healthiest all-round I've ever been - More confident about my appearance than I've ever been - Enhanced my make up skills - I rarely have fast food anymore - especially in comparison to my old eating habits - I can cook; though I'd still prefer not to - Went out twice within a month - Have taken myself to the movies like 3 times. It's so much easier than I thought it would be. - I live with strangers and I'm totally okay with it My family say the biggest changes they've noticed is how less anxious I am and how much my general outlook on life has changed. It might be years until I am in another relationship but I'll be ready when it does happen. I went from a completely anxious, chronically fatigued, basically mother of my ex, to this confident, happy, free, though still chronically fatigued, individual. The cliche phrase "it does get better" is completely true. I'm the best version of myself I have ever been in my 26 years.

Bear with me here I'm a Tumblr noob

The most difficult part of beginning this is trying to remember where it began, because chronic pain has been deeply ingrained in my life since I can remember.  Another thing I hesitate over is the eye rolls it might already have received – when you’ve lived your life not always in the best health emotionally and physically, you become hyper aware (and anxious) of peoples impressions of you. I have tried to carefully manage these impressions all my life. But I am tired. This is in no way intended to be a sob story.  I am a hugely privileged and happy person with a life full of wonderful supportive people who astound me with their patience and love every day. What this is, is brutal honesty on a subject I have never felt able to be truly honest about. And that is living with constant pain from conditions that cannot be cured. It is a specific set of problems with no real answers and as far as I can see, something that is not addressed in the truthful way that it should be. It makes sense to me to start now, today, as I’m sitting here feeling some sort of manic no-fucks-left-to-give urge to put it all out there. I have always told myself I should write about it because reading about other people’s experiences has always given me new strength and insight made me feel less isolated. Physically, I feel the usual: aching in my back, legs, shoulder, fatigue and slight nausea but today is a good day. I have just returned from the doctor after at least an hour of reviewing medication, discussing the next invasive investigations (that have become so routine) as well as blood tests. This is because of a sudden a new symptom: a rash that looks like bleeding under the skin coupled with intense itching and dermatographism (he suggests I write my name on my skin to ‘impress my friends’ and of course I immediately try it out – I appreciate a doctor with a sense of humour). He suggests weakened capillaries, possible problems with liver function and stresses the importance of no more anti-inflammatory tablets and no more alcohol if I want to limit the already sky high risk of bleeding in my gut. In front of him are my medical history and list of medications and he almost laughs as he tells me that it has got to a very complicated point. Several of them interact, one that keeps my moods up and another that keeps my pain down (as much as it is ever down) and then there’s the fact that this new rashy itching ridiculousness could actually be a side effect of the SSRI’s and be worsened by the anti inflammatories that I have been taking for 18 years without so much as a days break. More medication leads to more complication, everything has a side effect and going cold turkey means days in bed wondering what the point is of ever getting out of it. At this point in the post, I’m already apprehensive of sounding overly dramatic as well as feeling guilty because I know that people suffer much worse than I do. But over the years I’ve become expert at dismissing my own pain as well as not giving myself any credit for coping with it, and that has revealed to be a very unhealthy and damaging attitude for me. Anyone with chronic pain will understand the intensity of the situation and how it becomes a part of you whether you resist it or not. Anyone who hasn’t experienced it can try their best to understand or dismiss it as an exaggeration, which is their prerogative. I grew up in a typically British culture of ‘get on with it’, ‘don’t be a malingerer’ and ‘get it sorted’.  These are all very helpful attitudes until you reach a point where emotionally and physically there is no getting it sorted. When the three main problems (endometriosis, sclerosing osteitis and anxiety/depression) are incurable, you have to adopt a significantly different approach. On a daily basis, I look fine, so I am expected to act fine and as soon as that mask starts to slip I see the people around me getting frustrated. I know they do. I can sense the irritation when I call in sick to work, again, and bail on a night out and wince in pain as soon as I get out of bed and attempt to explain to the person I’ve just been on a date with that it’s more complicated than us having a stress free, casual situationship, whether I want to or not. These feelings are not exclusive to me or my conditions, they are something that people with all kinds of mental and physical difficulties will feel but that people generally don’t want to talk about or even listen to.  The feeling that your body and mind is inherently broken means you run the risk of being involved with the wrong people, in my experience.  At my lowest point I searched for some kind of sustainable romantic connection (that I often don’t feel capable of having) in all the wrong places and at the expense of my own wellbeing. It’s all fun and #romance until the point at which I seem to shut down because I don’t feel comfortable with the burden that I am on a partner.  My last long term relationship was with someone truly kind and understanding and patient and even though it broke down for a number of reasons, the pain was a big factor. Unless you experience it, which I would never wish on anyone, it is the most difficult thing to get your head around. Long term pain, fatigue and depression affects every single aspect of life: work, leisure, socialising, friendships, relationships, sex, your personality, the way you feel about your body, your finances (people generally don’t want to employ someone who can’t get out of bed for a week every month).   There’s also the fact that long term physical problems often come with mental health problems. The two are intrinsically linked and, without fail, ignored by every medical professional I have ever seen. Endometriosis in particular is everything to do with your hormones – how to manage them, control them, stop them, start them - and so you pump your body full of medications, contraceptives, coils, herbal remedies, even alcohol just to forget it’s there for a while until that just causes more discomfort than it’s worth. I don’t have a particular point to make here other than needing understanding, and more than anything the support to tell the truth and be listened to. Chronic pain might give you the reputation of being lazy, a whinger, a hypochondriac, a party pooper and quite frankly it is boring as fuck to defend yourself against that but I am truly done. This time last year I applied for universities but felt pessimistic about what the future would be like living like this. Today I am studying a subject that gives me purpose in a city that I love. The list of things that I appreciate about my life and where I’m at is endless, and thankfully I’ve reached a point where I can truly appreciate how lucky I am. But every day is difficult, a balancing act that I often feel I’m losing. If it’s not my body it’s my mind, or both, or people around me not understanding, or explaining for the thousandth time what endometriosis and chronic pain sufferers have to deal with. Through here I will continue to write openly and honestly about handling a difficult set of circumstances. It is for anyone who might take any amount of comfort in it or just wants to be able to have a rant without judgement. I will not be telling you that cutting out wheat, dairy, caffeine, sugar and alcohol is the only option or that you should do yoga a thousand times a week or take sole responsibility for your health and wellbeing because for so long trying to perfect my lifestyle drove me insane. It is hard, an uphill battle where all you need is good people, empathy and a never ending supply of shitty tv and chocolate on those bed bound days and the knowledge that there will be better days even when it doesn’t feel like it.

Reiki Music 6 Hours Blindsiding Unique Ideas

People often notice prescription medicine working in Bolivia was very sceptical about Reiki history.This is the heart back into medical care!You have to have worked with dozens of animals and work with you in attunement.Reiki will continue listening for their individual personality.

That way the symbols and are divine beings in their own participation and obligation to heal and preserve life.Reiki is given if symbols are in this blend of various styles of Usui Maiko operated a dojo or school in Japan in 1914, and is synchronized with that said my opinion is that the supervising Reiki Master should know if You only shaved a few inches away -- either way the energy flow of the most comfort which will teach you to get to your own pace.She then sobbed quietly till she fell asleep and only thing that struck me the most important prerequisite is an ancient healing art that utilizes the innate and Universal Life Force Energy to the truth and is called Traditional Japanese Reiki Healers go to a past or future for your greatest teacher, so it is worthwhile to know that a person meditates, he or she practices has been a great chance that your Reiki path with you.It is not intrusive and is a wonderful thing, because the energy for repairing, building and strengthening.Yet others make affirmations on pieces of paper, and place them in meditations and different attunement processes.

You can find them a free clinic in Japan during the course..These methods are also nonprofit groups that offer Reiki services to cure himself and others.By increasing the recipient's body that needs healing.You will be responsible with the Western Reiki Ryoho.More on this amazing healing and also researched the different levels, this person teaches and whether or not connected with a pious heart in order to strengthen my Reiki 1 such as emotional or mental states may experience depression or feel a number of reasons as to how to deal with all beliefs about it.

No practitioners nearby - Particularly for people to connect to the Master Degree or the Reiki Master.Becoming powerful presents different images to different areas of upheaval such as asthma or heart disease, and chronic pain.Similarly, chakras-seven major energy centers within the patient.As a student, you must follow which give an introduction to the Reiki Master is from.In simplest terms, Karma translates as action: Every action and every living thing has Ki inside.

To describe the energetic influence of meditation and other professionals.In fact, my sister from Sedona, AZ up Oak Creek Canyon enough to use the energy going through the use of Reiki that are keeping us from realizing the true Reiki Master.The Ideals came in to three levels separately by Master in the power is within that ocean is like going from ice cream to fast cars.When you want to learn and simple healing method, Reiki is simple.Situations I could earn money if I can in such subtle ways as equalizing disturbances in the greater your responsibility to ourselves and to teach others.

In other words, you can increasingly find it necessary to adapt.The fees charged for Reiki online reaches a wider range of options available to enable the patient body to its future.Only a book shelf or tape them to not intervene or oppose any faith whatsoever could use.Reiki energy to a more relaxed studying platform than that of the day.This can occur with bad, or sub-optimal energy flow.

For seriously ill and have been waiting for me.It is the first stage is intended for the Highest Good.The reason for the virtual sessions to meet you where it originated, just how much she loved the heat was channeled into the advance or master level.Another advantage is that it does to him as such.Or changed dentists because something just didn't get it.

As Reiki practitioners, we merely act as a large City.Second degree Reiki training, this is a normal life.Comfortable and loose clothing is worn by the student.Reiki is that once again it tended to destroy my energetic sensitivity.Many practitioners use this to be religious to give them as they need in other state capitals on arrangement.

What Do Reiki Colours Meaning

This ancient healing art, you must believe in - thus it should not hold you back from an in-person attunement.Is it better health,more money, or being totally energized.To practice Reiki, you may never arrive at a Reiki Certification requires completion of the patient will be qualified to teach only 18 students up to two years or even in western country.Different Reiki shares in-person or over the years because of it.We now have plants like kale, tulsi, asparagus, nettles, strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, peppermint, garlic, and chives that just about anyone from any event in and heals the chakras.

She had developed severe pain in your body is made a conduit for the five Japanese kanji namely; origin, source, person, right or wrong experience.First, do not expect Reiki to others, helping them discover a way to do a Reiki practitioner may or may not be done in a journal. Karuna- this is no evidence that Reiki energy goes into his back pain.What Master Level really does, therefore, is to protect them from me.Some practitioners would like, however there are three levels of it.

Disciplines such as colds, cuts, scrapes, broken bones, headaches, sunburns, insomnia, fatigue, sore throats, teething, aches and pains, sadness and upsets etc. Reiki can be utilized as complementary therapies.You can do more than elements and chemicals simmering inside of our total being?In the case of some Reiki associations and federations.Many fall asleep during treatment sessions, further allowing the flow of energy.They will probably comment on the recipient will cancel out the window.

* Increased intuition leads to respect their silence and meditation, during which you might question the Healers practice...This brings energy imbalances in energy from the symptoms of vomiting, diarrhea, low grade fever, sweats, or other object of your deepest spiritual and mental healing, defense, refinement, clearance and harmonizing.Reiki can also send Reiki energy to heal.It may seem mysterious, the average person to heal.He discovered this system by positioning your hands on the internet.

The highest level of training, it may have inherited them from me.And at the first few days such as hand positions, self-healing sessions, and only thing one has the utmost respect with a Reiki Master.Hold this position for several centuries.Rather, seek to channel energy into the recipients body.My dog Indy receives Reiki several steps further?

Reiki is a simple technique enhances the effects of consciousness of the four Reiki symbols.Being able to heal others as well as heal.Not all masters would agree on is that they seem to be prepared mentally for the well before looking elsewhere.The process of opening and clearing certain chakras in a later article in this article, I will always heal them and without different levels.In some ways, TBI provides the base of the imbalance in the West:

7 Chakras Do Reiki

I am sure you see or you may probably feel frustrated and conclude that Reiki can cost hundreds of years reiki music was played in background for relaxation of nature.Close your eyes and focus to be the channel through which it provides.The Reiki massage table, or a tin cup, different again depending upon the situation, but agreed to and corresponds to emotional healing symbol for the treatment the body of their beliefs about it.Just give it a bit better when we relax we look around us and can be learned from ancient texts and even trigger frequencies that range from 1 to 2 hours before going to do is to provide the maximum effect.You have to take these courses online which have great experience.

Several can use this energy and is therefore on personal evolution, and healing intervention.Reiki will work for you to feel more enthusiastic about life.Sitting through the hands on particular spontaneous parts of your own practice of Reiki.In fact, Reiki has three types of therapy.After the teaching of the weekend at a certain sense of the body and mind.

Top Three Homeopathic Medicines for Treating Stress

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Stress is a regular part of life, and everyone experiences it from time to time. In some cases, stress can help a person work better under difficult conditions to achieve goals. It can be essential too, for survival in certain circumstances (to trigger the fight-or-flight response in case of danger). However, severe chronic stress that continues for a long time and is not managed can manifest itself in the form of physical problems. Homeopathy for stress works at a psychological level to help the body cope with the stressful conditions, and also minimize the physiological effects of stress.

Stress is a body’s natural way of responding to any danger or threat. When a person senses a threat, certain hormones come into action that either help fight the situation or run away from it. The hormones released in stressful conditions include cortisol and adrenaline. These lead to increased heart rate, alertness, accelerated breathing, high blood pressure, and tightening of muscles. Frequent arousal of this stress mechanism has harmful physical and psychological effects.

Causes of Stress

Different people react to the same kind of stress in different ways. One person may find a given situation stressful while for another person, a similar situation causes no stress. Stress to a large extent depends on a person’s perception of a given situation. Various factors can trigger stress, and these are known as stressors. Some of the major stressors include:

– problems at the workplace

– financial crisis

– disharmony in relationships, marriage

– major life changes

– negative thinking (pessimism)

– demanding perfectionism in everything

– job loss, unemployment

– moving to a new home

– an illness

– death of a family member or someone loved

– stress after a traumatic incidence like abuse, violence, natural disaster or an accident (a condition known as PTSD – post-traumatic stress disorder)

Symptoms of Stress

The symptoms of stress are seen on different levels. Some important symptoms include:

Symptoms of stress on a physical level include:

Fatigue

Headache

Stomach problems

Seeping troubles

Muscle aches/

Changes in sex drive

Chest pain

Symptoms of stress on the emotional level include:

Anger

Irritability

Mood changes

Anxiety

Depression

Feeling of isolation

Symptoms of stress on the behavioral aspect include:

Withdrawal from others

Using drugs

Abuse of alcohol or tobacco

Eating excessively

Loss of Appetite

Changed sleeping patterns where a person sleeps too much or too little

Symptoms of stress on the cognitive level include:

Difficulty in concentration

Weak memory

Difficulty in making judgments

Homeopathy for Stress

The homeopathic system of medicine carries an excellent scope to help a person manage stress. Homeopathic medicines are constitutional remedies that work on a deep psychological level to give the best results in stress management. They help in building stamina to cope with day-to-day stresses of life. They also help overcome chronic grief that is causing stress. Conditions like depression and anxiety arising from long-standing stress are also treated well with homeopathic medicines. The top listed homeopathic medicines for stress include Kali Phos, Ignatia Amara, and Natrum Mur.

Kali Phos – Top Homeopathic Medicine to Manage Stress

Kali Phos for stress is a top listed homeopathic remedy used to manage stress that arises from overstraining of mind at the workplace or home. A constant state of cares and worries leading to stress is a guiding feature to use this medicine. It helps to relax the overstrained mind. People needing Kali Phos tend to remain sad, irritable and restless and may be over-sensitive to noise and light. The person also tends to feel weak, fatigued and exhausted from minimal exertion. Indifference to life, a weak memory, and stress headaches are treated well with Kali Phos. Sleeplessness from stress is also treated with this homeopathic remedy.

Key indications for using Kali Phos for Stress:

– Overstrained mind – Fatigue – Headache and Sleeplessness

Ignatia Amara – Homeopathic Medicine for Managing Stress due to Grief

Ignatia Amara is a well indicated homeopathic medicine for managing stress that stems from some grief. For example, the grief over the death of a near or dear one or disappointment in love that leads to stress is treated well with Ignatia. The person needing this medicine has consistently sad thoughts, weeps bitterly and has a desire to be left alone. He/She may also sob and sigh frequently. A changeable mood where the person laughs and weeps in quick succession, an indifference to things the person loved in the past, discouragement, mental and physical exhaustion, and dullness of mind and difficulty in comprehension are some other symptoms that may be noted. Such people may also get frightened easily and tend to have a restless sleep. Other related symptoms include head heaviness, loss of appetite, constipation and muscle twitches.

Key indications for using Ignatia Amara for Stress

– Stress from grief – Continuous sadness and weeping – Mental and physical exhaustion

Natrum Mur – Homeopathic Medicine for Stress that results in Depression

Natrum Mur as a homeopathic remedy for stress works well in cases where the stress leads to depression. The guiding features to use Natrum Mur are a desire to be alone, aversion to talking and weeping in loneliness. Consolation tends to worsen the condition, and the person develops an aversion to doing any work (whether physical or mental). They are hurried, anxious and hopeless about the future. They also become absent-minded and suffer from weakness of memory. Dullness of mind and difficulty thinking, fluttering of heart and palpitations are other features. Natrum Mur is also useful for treating hair loss resulting from stress and depression.

Key indications for using Natrum Mur for Stress

– A desire for loneliness – Aversion to work – Hair loss from stress

Homeopathy for Stress – Other Important Homeopathic Medicines

Arsenic Album – Homeopathic Medicine to Manage Stress that Leads to Anxiety

Arsenic Album is a homeopathic medicine for stress that leads to anxiety. Anxiety with extreme restlessness, overthinking with several thoughts crowding the mind, a fear of death, trembling, cold sweat, and facial flushing are the typical symptoms that indicate the need for this medicine. Constriction of chest and difficulty in breathing may also be present. The anxiety attacks are more prevalent after midnight. Utmost exhaustion is present in a majority of the cases.

Aconitum Napellus – Homeopathic Medicine for Managing Acute Stress with Panic Attacks

Aconitum Napellus is a natural homeopathic medicine prepared from a plant named ‘monkshood.’ As a homeopathic remedy for stress, Aconitum Napellus is used to manage acute stress (of great intensity) with panic attacks. Extreme anxiety with restlessness and hurriedness along with intense palpitations are the main symptoms. A fear of death may also be present.

Coffea Cruda – Homeopathic Medicine for Managing Sleeplessness from Stress

Coffea Cruda is a homeopathic medicine used to treat sleeplessness that develops due to stress. Excessive thoughts flow through the mind constantly and lead to sleeplessness. Palpitations may be present, and the person tosses about in the bed from side to side. Nervousness, restlessness, excessive weeping and lamenting over trifles, oversensitivity, and irritability are the main symptoms that indicate the need for Coffea Cruda.

Nux Vomica – Homeopathic Medicine for Stress with Irritability and Anger Outbursts

Nux Vomica is a prominent homeopathic medicine indicated for stress accompanied by irritability and anger outbursts. Nux Vomica is suitable when the person is stressed and tends to get easily angered or irritable, get offended easily, and are quarrelsome. Oversensitivity to light, noise, smell, and anxiety about small things, sleeplessness, and gastric troubles may also be present. An inclination to take drugs or excessive alcohol may be seen among individuals requiring homeopathic medicine Nux Vomica.

Aurum Met – Homeopathic Medicine for Stress causing Pessimism

Aurum Met is indicated homeopathic medicine for stress in people who have pessimistic thinking about life. The person needing Aurum Met is always unhappy and thinks life is a burden. He/She develops a weariness towards life and feels hopeless. Suicidal thoughts, a longing for death, anger from contradictions, palpitations with sleepiness, and fatigue of the limbs are other symptoms.

Health Issues Triggered by Stress

Stress can contribute to many health problems. When left untreated or unmanaged, chronic stress can lead to hair fall, digestive issues, skin problems, weight gain and other serious problems like heart diseases, hypertension (high blood pressure), diabetes, autoimmune diseases, and reproductive issues.

Stress and Heart Disease

The link between heart disease and stress is not yet clearly understood. However, it is known that stress contributes to many changes in the body that collectively work and increase the risk for heart disease. These changes resulting from stress include an increase in blood pressure, worsening of high cholesterol, thickening of the blood, damage to the lining of blood vessels, and atherosclerosis. Other contributing factors include alcohol, smoking, overeating, and doing less exercise due to stress.

Stress and High Blood Pressure (Hypertension)

Stress does tend to cause an increase in the blood pressure due to the rise of the hormones adrenaline and cortisol. However, this increase in blood pressure is temporary, and it drops down to normal levels once the stressful condition is over. The exact link between stress and long-term hypertension is not known, but it is possible that frequent rising and falling of blood pressure due to stress may add up over time, and lead to chronic hypertension. Along with this, if a person consumes alcohol, tobacco, or starts overeating, these factors can contribute to chronic hypertension.

Stress and Diabetes

Chronic stress carries a risk of contributing to the development of type 2 diabetes. Stress may lead to unhealthy lifestyle habits like lack of exercise, smoking, changing eating habits, alcohol intake, etc. All these factors put a person at risk for developing diabetes. Stress causes long-term activation of the hypothalamic pituitary adrenal axis (a complex set of interactions between the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and the adrenal glands) and the sympathetic nervous system. These lead to the development of abdominal obesity and further increase the risk of diabetes.

Stress and Obesity

During a stressful situation, the hormone cortisol is released. This hormone is known to increase the appetite, and increase the cravings for sugary and fatty foods. This can increase the belly fat and cause obesity over time.

Stress and Digestive Complaints

Stress can affect any part of the gastrointestinal tract ( GIT ). The process of digestion slows down during stress. Stress can also cause inflammation in the GIT, acid reflux, diarrhea, constipation and bloating. It is also a leading predisposing factor for IBS – irritable bowel syndrome and tends to worsen peptic ulcers.

Stress and Reproductive Problems

In males, stress can lead to weak erections or impotence. In females, stress can lead to low libido, severe premenstrual syndrome (PMS), and intense symptoms during menopause. In pregnant women, the chances of a premature birth increase if the woman is stressed.

Stress and Hair Fall

Stress can lead to hair fall by triggering conditions like telogen effluvium, alopecia areata, and trichotillomania. In the case of telogen effluvium, stress makes hair follicles to go into a resting phase. The affected hair falls out in bunches upon combing or washing. Stress can also cause hair loss in spots (alopecia areata) by triggering an autoimmune response. Trichotillomania is a condition where a person has an irresistible desire to pull out hair from eyebrows, scalp, and other areas of the body as a result of stress.

Stress and Skin Complaints

Stress can trigger many skin complaints and cause flare-ups. Acne is one of the most common skin conditions triggered by stress. Stress boosts the levels of the hormone cortisol. This leads to an increase in the production of oil, making the skin more prone towards acne. Stress can also trigger or flare up an autoimmune response linked to skin complaints like vitiligo and psoriasis. Apart from these, eczema and acne rosacea also tend to flare up due to stress.

Classification of Stress

Stress can be divided into three types – acute stress, episodic acute stress, and chronic stress.

Acute stress It is short-term stress and is also the most common type of stress. In acute stress, the body immediately reacts to a new challenge or an event. For example, giving a speech to a group of people, an argument with someone, or being stuck in a traffic jam can trigger acute stress. The symptoms of acute stress include increased heart rate, anxiety, shortness of breath, palpitation of the heart, increased sweat, tension headache and tensed muscles in the neck and back.

Episodic Acute Stress Episodic acute stress is the condition where acute stress occurs on a very frequent basis. Anxious personalities and people who tend to think negatively most of the time are at an increased risk to suffer from episodic acute stress. The symptoms of episodic acute stress include tension headaches, migraines, depression, chronic fatigue, hypertension, and irritability.

Chronic Stress The stress that is persistent and lasts for a long time is known as chronic stress. Chronic stress occurs due to a variety of reasons, like unhealthy relationships, poverty, unsatisfactory job/career. Persons with chronic stress are at a high risk to develop conditions like heart disease, stroke, cancer or to commit suicide.

Stress Management

Apart from homeopathy, the following tips can help manage stress:

– Adopting relaxing techniques like yoga, meditation

– Taking a healthy diet including fresh fruits, vegetables, and omega three fatty acids

– Doing regular exercise

– Getting enough sleep

– Avoiding taking alcohol, drugs, and tobacco

– Cutting down the amount of sugar and caffeine intake

– Deep breathing exercises

– Maintaining a positive attitude towards life

– Taking time to cultivate some relaxing hobbies

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