If you’re loved from the start, it gets stored in your cells, your brain recognizes it as the correct way for you to exist, and you don’t even get to doubt it; you seek it out as your birthright. When you don’t have it, your brain recognizes neglect and abuse as the ‘correct way for you to exist’ and you try and reprogram it, tell yourself thousand times it’s not supposed to be like that, you’re supposed to be loved, you’re supposed to be cared for, but you have no way to seek it out and have it, so it’s just struggling with your thoughts, all on your own. Feeling like you’re deluding yourself because surely if it was right and correct for you to be loved, you would be loved, at least for some part of your life, at least by someone. You’d at least have memories of how it felt, how correct it was, and you’d know what kind of situation you want to put yourself in, so you’d have that again.

But without it, you’re just blind without a map, telling yourself something you never experienced should and does exist, you only have no idea where to get it, or how to find it. And, if you do get closer to it, you’ll get uncomfortable and triggered and feel desire to leave. And you have to get out of it, because it’s part of your stability to get away from highly distressing situations, you can’t afford to be in distress that high.

Finding ways to feel like you have the right to be loved, is something complex and hard, that doesn’t come easily to those abused and unloved. It’s the one thing we have to teach ourselves over and over, and it still only works when other people agree, and put effort into being there for us, being willing to undo some of the damage done. You’re not to blame if you cant’ figure it out, or do it alone. If you struggle with relationships and friendships and feeling worthy, it’s absolutely not your fault. You were put in a situation where this would be hard. If you can only handle little bits and pieces, that’s okay. This is something other people are responsible for as well.

Is there a 300 page essay about Murderbot's armor (specifically the opaque helmet) as a not-so-subtle metaphor for masking in a clearly neurodivergent character already? Because I need it.

The way Murderbot is unvoluntarily without its opaque armor in All System Red in front of the crew (i.e. unmasking) and appears surprised at its own strong facial expressions and other people's reaction to it? The vulnerability that comes with that and how Murderbot spends pretty much the rest of the book wearing or actively missing its armor which keeps it safe from the mortifying ordeal of being known (yet sometimes other characters suggest it might help for it to not opacify the helmet in order for others to see it as a person and to trust it (and in the end idk if it would have achieved the rewards of being loved by its humans and have had its needs met if it hadn't unmasked in this relatively safe environment sometimes)).

Also there's the whole avoiding-looking-directly-at-people-and-using-drones-instead thing which Murderbot usually hides using the opaque helmet, but whenever it doesn't have that people notice it and many react negatively/confused. I think that's a whole neurodivergent-applicable situation in and of itself? Like damn

And then Mensah encourages Murderbot not to wear armor on Preservation station since it would not need it there, Murderbot is hesitant but ends up not wearing any (like 4 books later when we finally get to that bridge) (going for the comfortable clothes it chose for itself instead, with very strong feelings about the whole being able to make choices thing that I cannot go into further at this point because I would absolutely end up BITING SOMETHING OR SOMEONE).

And I'm not going to advocate for unmasking all the time in any setting because hell no, sometimes it absolutely sucks and people are irritated by Murderbot's now visible quirks and are afraid of what they don't know, but many GET TO KNOW Murderbot better and because there are other people that make sure Murderbot is safe and respected and are willing to get people fired for it if they disrespect it (Pin-Lee my beloved) Murderbot can experiment with this situation without being exiled to some abonded part of a planet and other people are forced to spend enough time around ot to learn to respect it and even like it. I just....... It must be so scary and Murderbot is handling so much at once and in this essay I will

PS sorry this is a disorganized mess but so am I and I have so many Thoughts and even more Emotions and so little patience.

My headcanons for the named trio in The Cursing of Chateau Castle series:

Josephandre is a big bear. It just fits for him I think! He gets he/him pronouns, and as a way to make him a liiiil more relatable for Mira, he'd have two craft types (Rock type being his main one and paper craft for the other). Battle style wise, I think it fits him to be more of a self-sustaining tank. He buffs defense, heals, and puts up shields. For his weapon, he'd use his fists like Isabeau. He'll be the second fastest in the trio.

Lady Irene-Janine-Kanine looks like an elegant noblewoman on the outside but she has vibes similar to Euphrasie! She gets she/her pronouns. Her craft type is Paper. Battle style wise, she's more on the offensive side, a main dps kind of thing. Most of her skills focus on buffing attack and speed, she'd have an item that helps regen her hp a lil bit and her chosen weapon is an umbrella. The tip is a sharp blade so it's used like a spear that has a hidden sword in its handle. Open it, and it becomes a shield! That'd be one of her skills too, although it's only applicable to her. She's the fastest one of the trio.

Pierre-Jacques-Erneste looks like a nobleman and carries himself as such! He gets he/they pronouns. Their craft type is Scissors. Battle style wise, he's more of a debuffer, skills focusing on weakening the enemies, slowing them down, poisoning them. Their weapon is a sword dagger, though he doesn't seem to be able to handle it well, how clumsy! But he Is a nobleman so it makes sense! Oh but... why doesn't he have a title? They're the slowest one of the trio, how strange, he seemed to be faster than Lady Irene-Janine-Karine that one time though.

ok seriously how the fuck do you beat the house of grief fight with the sharrans I am going insane trying to do this goddamn fight. what the fuck are you supposed to do when you’re being constantly fucking blinded and bone chilled and even the highest level spells aren’t doing enough 😭😭 I am getting more and more frustrated by the minute jesus christ

Who up listening to good luck babe by chappell roan and having it resonate not in the way intended but resonating nonetheless. About to go ham in the tags about the overlap of being a lesbian and being aromantic...if u even care....

reminder to speak ur mind as soon as u want and can especially if its about smth u wanna change cuz its gonna come out eventually and sure sometimes its better later but sometimes its also better to do it as early as possible

thinking about skysolo again. and skybridger. and skydalorian. and all of them. at once? perhaps. perhaps not. they all exist in my mind and are good.

forgot to mention skylighter. love them love them they make me sob in agony.

would rly love to know why the brain and nervous system have decided to gift me with The Evening Horrors every day for the past ... week ? ish ? what the heck changed that made this start happening consistently every time dinner rolls around :[

a thing that happens frequently in FL is something will be heavily implied but never formally stated, and people will act like you're an idiot if you say its not canon but a different group of people are also very likely to say you're an idiot if you say it IS canon, and my particular autism way makes it hard for me to pick up on some of the implications in FLs writing so im never sure which of these groups has a stronger claim. do you know how long i spent being unsure if Jervaise was Mrs Plentys husband. YEARS.

sooooo fuckinf glad that spiderverse started a cool new trend in mainstream 3d animation of making it look good

testing brushes out

okay last post before i decide on what im going to do for the next couple hours but old lady crafting club is tomorrow and i don't have a crochet project decided on yet still fsdjkl

my options for continuing on WIPs are: dragonscale dice bag, isopod amigurumi, or a little stuffed pokeball

or if i want to start a new project instead of completing a WIP: strawberry hat i'm going to make for a friend, hand warmers/fingerless gloves, polar bear amigurumi, and idk if i have yarn for these (definitely not enough for a the second) but i also would like to make a junebug beetle amigurumi and a hood/scarf/hat combo garment thing

hullo!! sometime ago you asked for ppl to tell you what were recurrent features of your art so you could try drawing avoiding them ... so! you oftentimes use really vibrant colours!! also your style feels very soft, very round yknow...

also applying the reciprocal: you never draw backgrounds so if you want an added bonus try doing a background!! <3

oooooh thank you i will def be doing this later ......

the fact that people are still acting like it was the "cock monologue" that caused John Green to leave this site and not the hundreds of people baselessly accusing him of being a pedophile

Redesign her because something wasn't right. get a load of this guy (girl mode)

desperately wanting to be a proper zelda theorizer but having no access to the games myself