#and idk. i always think to myself how much i hate myself but i never really took it that seriously
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nothing interesting here it's the exact same scene i just like seeing it
#french 13 isnt my favourite but i think she did a good job here. also in the gallery scene i liked that too#french yaz i love as much as english yaz#there IS smth interesting here btw but no one else will find it interesting but 'i know' is one of those#idk#like.........measuring things. for me. when im learning a new language#bc in english it's i know obvs and in french evidently it's 'i know' too - je sais#in dutch if you said 'i know' that'd be wrong#you have to say 'i know it'. or i suppose you could inverse it and do 'weet ik' and then you can leave out the 'it' but thats not the poin#so when im learning a new language im always like is it i know or is it i know it#and thats a stand in for lots of other similar questions of course#it's a never ending list of similar questions#but it's like the thing i remind myself of#so i dont go around saying 'ik weet'#i dont mind making like conjugation or grammar mistakes that much. thats like. it'll happen its whatever#but these kind of 'i can see how you got there but thats not how we say it' errors? hate it. dont want to make them#which is why i take forever to start writing/speaking bc yes i CAN make that sentence#but idk if thats how a french speaker would make that sentence so i'll wait until ive heard someone say 'je sais'#dont want to be speaking english/dutch with french words you know
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#1st my sister was passive aggressive bc i was boiling pasta when she wanted to make her dinner#so she slammed stuff nd chopped veggies aggressively#nd i felt my heart rate spike nd my body go tense nd i always get clumsy nd drop things nd hurt myself when i get that way#but they think i deserve feeling awful bc of mistakes in the past so i cant ask them to stop#i've been walking around w lots of heavy things nd im barely keeping it together#nd i got so mad bc she wouldnt stop so i started slamming the cabinets nd then left when i was done#then my mom nd other sister got home nd i just wanted to ask my mom smth#when i open my door my other sister goes 'omfg already?'#'immediately when we get home i never get a break. it's almost disgusting'#i just got so.. i realized how pathetic nd childish i am so i just went into my room#but then apparently my sister said to mom that *i* was the only one being passive aggressive#so she comes in to talk when i was having my dinner so i said that i plz just wnna eat my dinner#she didnt know nd she's never cared but i wanted to hurt myself so badly i was struggling not to#but then she started screaming at me for being childish nd passive aggressive nd that i never do anything#she left my room. she still talks to my sisters so i know it's onlg me shes sick of#idk.. today is bad bc i cant talk to her nd i dont have ANYONE else to talk to im all alone#and now i barely even wanna go outside my room bc apparently my family thinks i wnna mess w them just for going to the bathroom lmao#i hate myself so much. im so pathetic. im 25yrs old living at home being a burden#nd im just a pathetic nd childish person. i 'need' to talk nd vent nd rant nd#like if i buy some things i have these need to like do a mini haul or if i get books from the library#i wnna show my mom what books i got#it's so childish. i do feel bad for my mom to have to deal w me nd my annoying personality#why cant i jusy be normal. no wonder why i can never keep friends or my family doesnt wnna talk to me. everything abt me fkn sucks#anyway im just feeling so bad and so alone bc my moms mad at me so now i have no one to talk to
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I am coming to the realization i have been slowly killing myself with work i think oops
#m thinking now and im like#i havent read ... anything consistently .. or watched anything .. or had time to like do anything#in genuinely so long#and i was like kinda becoming ok w it#my brain issues .. nothing matters i dont need anything all i need is me i dont need to have anyone or anything with me <- bad. stop it#part of this was the i need my dad to be proud of me braincell but well i win award i have 4.0 gpa and he still yell at me#deciding now to stop caring so much (i still do but ill ignore it) i need 2 be alive again i dont care#im so mad i dont even know .. im so viscerally angry like actually i dont even know what to do with that lmfao#my brother does shit all and u give him sm slack have NEVER treated him as bad as youve treated me#and nothing i do NOTHING is good enough or changes how u look at me#like idk he called me and i cried so much i got so fucking upset i fhkdhdkf ok. ok.#he will b like omg im so proud of u i love u so much ive always believed in u and i just think back to when#he yelled at me once like fiiive years ago and i was like u just make me feel so worthless all the time#and he was like yeah bc you are worthless#and im like hmmm idk bestie i dont think youve ever changed from looking at me like that and it is insanely obvious lmao#i dont even know bro im crazy. m insane got given an inch and tried to take a mile like omg i can actually be recognized as worth something#nevermind ill stop killing myself for that pipe dream now lol#m not even upset im just mad lmao i dont wanna hate my dad and i dont but every day i feel more and more like i should#vent
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#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel#the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule#and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office#classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand.#which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a#mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively#i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when#i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an#office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then#when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low#energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its#like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that#i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my#lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to#convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture#of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing.#the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like#they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha#yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc#i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself#from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode#and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at#like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop#so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd#also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry#bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting#hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that#the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun#unrelated
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out of the shower , feeling slightly less shit about myself (and way less like saying uncalled for immature mean things) however still dealing with the realization that I am possibly the most replaceable person in the world
#➳ valentin vents#oh hey and look I'm gonna give some examples that aren't people who can actually read this . nice#but anyways ! nobody i have ever left has given a shit about when i did#to both of my only ever romantic partners i was never important enough to treat well . yippee ! (okay maybe some saying mean things but#neither of them should see this if the universe doesn't hate my ass with a passion ok)#and in all my friendships if i was replaced with any other generic person with social anxiety it'd be like nothing fucking changed !#in short i am incredibly replaceable and uu should maybe all consider replacing me asap because I'm p sure it'd be very easy to find somebun#with all my positives/neutrals and wayyy less of my negatives . idk . just a suggestion .#can uu tell i hate myself very very much even though i desperately try to hide it ! all my confidence no matter how much it's gen in the#moment is still soaked in my self loathing from years of being depressed replaceable always 2nd priority (or less) to those around me etc#but hey it's fine I am sure that tomorrow I'll think I'm the hottest person alive just as I did a few hours ago and life will be okay . haha
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its so odd thinking back to my life a few years ago compared to now
#like. my life really sucked. its so weird to think about that. every second before i thought 'its not so bad' even when it was bad#and now i see shit it really was that bad. i really did have a reason to want to kill myself all the time#maybe i dont have to blame myself for the person i was before while i had was dealing with all that stuff. who could act normally in that#kind of situation. of course i did bad shit and feel bad about it but i was a kid. and now im treating her the way that i was always treate#back then. i was in survival mode the entire time and just never realized it#and its so strange to think about how my life sucked and i was scared and alone all the time from the perspective of myself now#im not without support anymore. im not walking on eggshells anymore. im not afraid of violence all the time anymore#i dont believe my family hates me anymore. im not ready to pack up and leave because i think theyd be better off without me anymore#before i got good at anything my hobby was thinking of all the ways i could die and who would care. i spent all my time doing this#my daydreams were only about how people would react if i died. i dont do this that often anymore. close to never. and its so odd to remembe#since i was 6 i used to think this way. and up until a year or two ago i hated every version of myself and blamed them for me#but how was that fair. my life doesnt suck anymore. people i was without came back to me and love me#i see my cousins all the time. when i text them they text back. they ask me if im okay. they know when im not eating even when theyre not#around. i dont walk on eggshells around my mom as much as i used to. her attention isnt as divided as it used to be.#my brother is more of a brother than a stranger or an enemy. the image of him now and our relationship compared to what it used to be is#crazy. i had so much reason to be sad back then. i dont know why im still sad now when i got out of that life.#even now the reasons i have to be sad have dissolved. i used to feel like i was going insane without anyone to say the things i want to to#but i can say them to my cousin now. i have places i belong. its so strange to think about. idk#aricouldyounot
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not ready to go back to work tomorrow but luckily im so not ready that my brain isn't letting it fully process and so im just kind of numb except for little moments when the panic breaks through again
#feeling more and more like a robot and less and less like a person the emptier my life gets#the future is so empty like its just work and isolation forever#i have one thing left at the end of this week and then after that its just work and family and alone#and i think numbing out completely is really the only way ill be able to cope at all#i didnt used to really be able to do that but maybe now im to the point where i just have to so its become an option#idk i also might just be lying to myself and be about to get hit really hard with how bad this all is tomorrow#job interview friday. but plausibly i dont think i can take the job even if i get it bc i just dont think i can move to nyc#i just feel like ive hit a dead end#like i was a side character in someone elses story and that person has moved on so im just like floating in stasis#bc my part of the story is over i wrote myself out of their lives so i don't really exist anymore#idk my brain is telling me all these things that i know are silly but feel so true and i just am tired and empty#sorry to be dramatic and complain again just dreading work so bad#i just dont see any path forward thats not this forever loop like i cant make or have real connections with other ppl#and thats whats supposed to make a life real and worth living#but ive never had the capacity to connect right and ive never had passion for anything and ive never been able to really love and be loved#and i dont know how to fix any of it bc honestly i dont think any of its fixable#ill always be an emotionally harmful drain on anyone i think i love and ill always be left when they realize that#and then ive just hurt another person and i dont want to be a person that just hurts people so i cant be around people anymore#but its so empty and its so lonely and i hate myself so fucking much#anyway. i sound like a pathetic whiny teenager lmao sorry i know how stupid it all is i promise
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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!
i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"
why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)
ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!
this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!
why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.
#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc#but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them#AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING#that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too#perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well#that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less#i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever#but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends#what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one#this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it#lee rambles#autistic#autism#actually autistic#autism things#autistic friendship#friendship problems#loneliness#communication#cptsd#rsd#the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃
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🎂🧸🚬
#now my least favorite day has started .... >.<#i normally dislike my birthdays but this one... this one is rough. more than any before#and ofc i got to start this shitty day with a headache :D so idk how well i'll sleep#i just hate hate my birthday so much. there's nothing abt me being born that is worthy to celebrate#and ngl.. it hurts that im not important to anyone. no one to congratulate me.. my sisters wont. no family or relatives.. no friends#like i dont even exist. my mom hasnt even said anything yet#tho i lowkey hope she'll forget abt it bc i dont wanna think abt it. i hate this day. why was i born lol#and i am extra dramatic abt this i think bc i have never been allowed to think that my birthday matters or that this is a special day#everyone have always shown me how little i matter and how much they do not care abt me. or my birthday lmao#like im selfish and demanding if i even wish for just one congrats. im not allowed to want to feel special or cared for#so thats why im extra emo abt it lol. T-T#i just cant help but feel soooo fkn bad rn but i have no one to talk to or distract myself abt it#my mom wanted to watch tv and have it be quiet. it is night now i get it. but i feel so so alone#nd worthless and useless and uloved. i dont matter i dont matter i know! but i wish i did. i rlly wish that i mattered...#anyway... gnna try not to kms today. life goes on. even if it all fkn sucks and i never get to feel happy fkn ever
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listen i dont like fëanor but i can't deny that getting so mad you literally burst into flames and crumble away into ash is kinda fucking relatable
#i was about to go “do i have to tag this for spoilers” in my own head as though the silm isnt literally older than me#tbf not as many people read it as lotr or the hobbit but still. come on brain wtf#esp since someone would have to be really weird to come on my blog specifically to complain about spoilers lmao#i do think its funny I've only now gotten around to readinf it but its taking me so long to make myself listen to it that i keep forgetting#things especially in the really long chapters#to the extent now i find myself going “oh maybe i need to write down names because of course everyone has to start with an f”. i was doing#okay and then i went a really long time without reading so now im like wait wait go back#which sucks because i usually dont have trouble getting through long books. admittedly i listen more than read lately#but still. i think it took me maybe a week to get through priory the first time? like i dont think its that im not interested i just havent#had a lot of energy to expend or to get really into things? idk i keep forgetting from finals up till now has been extra bad in terms of..#..pain. chronic migraines gonna migraine ig. i bitch about it like i havent lived this way for years n years. but they were never as bad..#..until i started college and now theyve been worse than ever. i hate thinking about how much time i always lose. how much time ill always#be losing. sorry how the fuck did this turn into a tangent.
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I am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy i am not crazy
#losing my mind. i have no friends no one to distract me fromm myself#just Sitting here thinking bad thoughts idk whay to do i fucking hate my life#wveryone fucking leaves me. i hate every person who i ever thought was my friend i fucking hate them#everyone is selfish everyonf turns on u it doesn��t matter how good it seems everyone will end up hurting me#swear to fucking god its alwaysthe same shit I’ll never be happy#always comes back to this#how could i POSSIBLY trust anyone??? fucking how? doesn’t matter how much i care abt them or love them or give myself to them#they will hurt me. i literally can’t trust fucking anyone how do i keep living like this#and u know i will stick around bc i have no one else so of course you will hurt me again like u already have#i give soooomuch love and all i get is damaged over and over and no one fucking cares not evn you
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always fun hanging out with my much cooler and more interesting childhood friends and hearing about all the shit they're up to and then they ask me what's going on in my life and i have to be like uh. nothing tee hee :) still unemployed and not in school and practically hobbyless because of chronic fatigue and executive dysfunction :) still obtrusively mentally ill and for some reason cant stop talking about it even when i don't want to and i can tell youre sick of hearing about it :) and then it's awkward for a minute cuz neither of us know what to say mmmmm literally someone just shoot me already
#note i use the term “childhood friends” loosely bcuz theyre my friends from middle school when i was like 13/14/15#but i dont have any actual childhood friends bcuz no one from my actual childhood likes me. so :P#and like the thing is im being harsh on myself i know that!!! i draw and go to concerts and do volunteer work and rock climb sometimes#but the thing is i never think to say any of that one because they take up a very small amount of my time most of my days r just wasted awa#and two because they always ask after theyve talked about their lives which are. objectively way cooler or at least more successful#and then all i can think about how is how much i wish i was more like them </3 which has been true since we first met#so i guess i should be used to it but I'm not. it still hurts it hurts so bad#and the worst part is they both mean so so much to me even if we dont talk much and i know for a fact i don't mean the same to them#bcuz theyre the type of people who can. go places and do things and talk to people!!!! so theyve always had more options then me#but i always made friends so rarely and so fleetingly that im still holding onto those memories and onto them for dear life#idk long rant i wish i had more energy i wish i didnt struggle so much to make friends and find community i wish i had more to offer#i wish a lot of things that can just never happen#and i know its not fair to drag them into my self loathing like that and i know i can't hate myself into a version of myself i can love#but fuck man its so hard. why is everything so hard#.txt
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i hate spending money i hate how it makes me feel even if there’s no rational reason for it i hate the guilt and the burden and the anxiety and the fear and the pressure and t
#i've been planning to buy an ipad for ltierally years now to upgrade my drawing setup from idk 2014#i did it today but fuck i hate how it makes me feel to buy things that cost a lot of money y#i have to make decisions and be responsible for them and i never make good decisions my track record on that is absolutely terrible#i always make the wrong ones and i feel guilty always no matter what i do#so it's so much easier to just? not do anything and stay stagnant but then again i can't possibly want that in the long run#bc not accomplishing or doing anything only mkaes me wanna die more#this is even if it's not my money or probably even more if it's someone elses bc this is my parents' gift to me but sfsvdfvjds i want to cry#they bought me one few christmases ago but i returned it bc it was just too much and ic ouldn't deal with it#why is it so difficult for me i cannot receive things#i'm buying all the accessories etc but like that's difficult for me as well#bc even if now i can comfortable afford this thing what if i can't in the future what if i need that money in the future#i've tried thinking this as a combined christmas birthday etc gift from my parents and my own gift for myself for getting my bachelors#but. yeah#i know how this sounds like if someone said this to me itd be reasonable to be like stfu youre getting an ipad what are you crying about#i know this is incredibly privileged whining about nothing but this aversion to gifts and spenidng money is just something that#bothers me about myself bc it's an example of whats wrong with me#i cannot imagine being a person who loves receiving and giving physical gifts how do you live with the implications of those#gifts are nice!!! but they're also a Lot for me#anyway waiting for the say i won't be on the edge for literally no reason <3333#shit talking
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I wish you didn't think so low about yourself. I worry a lot when I see it cause I can't be around a lot anymore. That and I worry that you might think we aren't friends since we don't chat or write a lot. Genuinely I care about you so much! Whenever I see you pop up after being gone for awhile or when I'm gone it's just like "ah good, Ambie still is around thank god". I love seeing you here even if it's not writing with me. I just enjoy and always have enjoyed having you on my dash. You don't have to post this by the way. I just wanted to let you know how I felt. I mean it when I say this: no matter what you think or how negative you get, no matter what your brain tells you, you are wanted by the people who are here. The ones who matter and care about you, even ones you might not be aware of, want you around. You have become a staple here with your vast array of muses, interactions with others like Tala or Aven, and so much more. It'll be a sad day when you get off for good (or if I leave before you), but just know you'll always be special to many people, but for a fact you'll always ALWAYS be special to me. I wouldn't be here if not for you, Ambie.
anonymously tell me your honest opinion about me
starling, you would be here even if i wasn't. you shine too greatly for everyone not to notice you <3 thanks for creating stories with me.
#sometimes i wish i didn't think so low of myself either ngl#i think i've gotten to a point where i feel like i don't exist to my friends or the dash as a general whole but my friends especially and#that makes me not want to be around ? like i tell myself im so excited to get on then i get on and everyone is so happy and im like oh nvm#and ugh idk when it got like this#but this legit made me cry so much#idk who my friend is anymore and i hate that for me#but on a lighter note#idk how long i'll remain on tumblr but i want to write with you. always even if im not around. im just always tired and depressed#but i get so excited when ppl want to write with me and sometimes i get overstimulated quickly#but believe me when i say that i stalk everyone i write with even if it seems like i'm never around.#i needed to hear this though#i get too in my head about things and psyche myself out#uwu you're too precious#🌺ˑ » petals swaying in autumn breeze.
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I am once again completely losing any interest or motivation to actually write anything 🙃🙃🙃
#it just poof! disappears! vanishes! gone! it has left the building!#I absolutely positively HAVE to write linearly I cannot go oh well I have the ideas for much later chapters so I'll start there#my brain does NOT work like that and quite frankly I hate the advice that's always like oh write the fun bits first then!#cause it's like bitch I KNOW myself I KNOW my brain I'd never finish ANYTHING#I am the ULTIMATE 'well this isn't fun anymore I'm dipping' bitch. QUEEN of hitting the bricks#and also my brain just. will not function in that way. things gotta be done in ORDER or it DOES. NOT. WORK. AT. ALL. EVEN. A LITTLE.#but I find myself getting very VERY self-conscious and outright repelled by own set-up and structuring if that makes any sense?#it's like I gotta BUILD to *the* part but when I work on the foundation and framework I'm like 🫤😟🥴#it's like oh this just sounds like boring drab info dumping bullshit#and the thing is. I know it's not! I'm not a *bad* writer. I know anyone else reading it doesn't see it as#hollow paint by numbers blah blah blah bland af shit#but to ME it feels that way#and I just lose the desire to work on anything anymore#this has been going on for MONTHS now. MONTHS. I've not been able to write ANYTHING. for MONTHS. cause of this.#this stupid weird trepidation that all my setup work is just horrid awful runny dog shit#idk where it csme from. idk why it's stuck around so long. idk how to fix it. don't think it CAN be fixed at this point.#I just don't know what I'm doing man. I used to LOVE writing fic. now I'm like lol maybe DON'T do that.#erin explains it all
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#have been writing lately instead of painting and idk…. how i feel about that#never have i considered myself a writer#i mean i write bad romantic poetry sure. but im writing fiction. novels if u will. and i Like it. :/#its uncomfortable. idk. maybe if i make companion paintings itll feel less obscure. perhaps a web comic will come out of it#ive never been into structured writing ever ever. but it felt… salty. like sweat drying on your skin. gratifying. to finish a whole piece.#it was a fit of mania perhaps. and i have more still bubbling there is much to create. i just have never created in this format before#hate it almost. digging my heels but its pointless to resist where the water knows to go you know? i cannot feel this way about painting#if that is not what is meant to be made at this time. the wild horse of inspiration will not bend to my comfort#yes i know i am an artist in the worst way. yes im aware of how i sound. i am not proud but i suppose i cannot either be ashamed#if i cannot be another way#idk i always wanted to be an airhead lol. before anyways. my grandfather does not understand his gift is as enviable as my own#hes not an airhead you could not imagine so after listening to him. but he is enigmatic in that way.#socialized better maybe. the gift of living as you imagine because you are not imagining at all#i never wanted to be reclusive. driven by fits of madness. but i dont have another way known to me#the life i imagine is lived by those who are not imagining it#but idk i think less nowadays. it helps to figure myself an unsocialized dog. something to be solved by careful hands#ugh. god with how i talk sometimes i wonder how it surprises me to become a pos writer. who else talks like that#anyways im incredibly ill still lol going to again attempt to shower the virus out of me
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