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jobean12-blog · 2 days

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Finish What We Started

Pairing: Javier Peña x reader

Word Count: 2,676

Summary: You and Javi are finally about to get things going but you're interrupted and you can barely stand the wait to get started again.

Author's Note: I was listening to my you tube music and this song by Karmin came on, Brokenhearted. It gave me an idea that I totally ran with. It got a little out of hand but honestly it's just because I can't get enough of this man. But, what's new? haha thank you all so much for reading! Much love always! ❤️❤️❤️

Warnings: It's fun and flirty and soft and sweet and then there's Javi...oral (m rec), semi-public sex, shower sex, cursing.

Pedro Pascal Character Masterlist

His fingers lightly skim along the soft skin of your thigh before digging in and pulling you closer. You’re in his lap, the hem of your dress hiked up to accommodate the spread of your legs and his hands exploring every uncovered inch of you.

“Javi,” you whisper against his lips.

He’s too far gone to do more than groan in response, his eyes closed, dark lashes kissing his cheeks as he kisses your lips. His hand slides higher, his grip tightening when his fingertips graze the smooth fabric of your panties.

“Ah fuck baby,” he breathes out, dipping his head to peek at the lace he reveals.

Your hands trace the broad width of his shoulders then smooth down his hard chest before you slip your fingers into the open collar of his shirt. You do your best to undo the buttons, working open the top three so you can touch his warm skin, grinning when he let’s out a hiss.

He kisses you hard, keeping one hand teasing between your legs and the other grazing your curves until he can wrap it around the back of your neck.

Just as his fingers press against your damp panties his office phone rings. It startles you for a moment and you go still but he presses his face into your neck and drags his lips along your throat, whispering, “ignore it angel.”

You sigh out his name and gently roll your hips into his hand. He hums into the kiss and starts to rub you through the fabric.

The phone rings again.

He growls out a curse and tightens his grip on you.

“Maybe you should answer it Javi.”

“I’m busy,” he murmurs as he drags your panties to the side.

“Oh god,” you moan.

A loud knock at the door makes you both freeze.

“FUCK,” he grits out.

“What the fuck do you want, I’m busy,” he yells, never removing his hands.

“We have a problem Javi.”

Steve’s voice is loud and impatient on the other side and Javi curses again, lifting his eyes to yours.

“Angel…I…”

“I know Javi,” you whisper as you start to get up.

He grabs you and keeps you firmly seated in his lap.

“I’ll be right out,” Javi says, his tone filled with frustration.

“Two minutes or I’m coming in,” Steve says.

The muscles in Javi’s jaw tighten as he looks you over, glazed eyes, swollen lips and disheveled clothes.

“Fuck,” he groans again. “Fuck me.”

“I was trying to,” you tease, hoping to lighten the mood.

His dark eyes grow darker and he crashes his lips to yours, swallowing every lewd moan that crawls up your throat.

When you separate you’re breathing heavily and you lift your fingers to trace the outline of his lips.

“Hurry back,” you say quietly.

He nods and carefully lifts you off his lap, fixing your dress before taking your hand in his and walking to the door.

You stop and button up his shirt then run your fingers through his mussed hair. You’re about to tell him to be careful but he pins you against the door and kisses you again, silencing any coherent thoughts.

By the time he’s done you’re on wobbly legs and skirting past Steve with a small wave.

“Sorry,” Steve mumbles but Javi can tell he’s trying not to smile.

Javi places his hands on his hips and waits with a sigh. Steve’s expression turns serious and he claps him on the shoulder.

“We have to go,” Steve says as he leads him out of the building.

You don’t hear from Javi for the rest of the night and when morning comes with still no word you call your best friend and tell her to come over.

“I hate this,” you say into your drink. “I was about to get the best ride of my life and then bam, he’s gone.”

“Was this about to happen in his office?”

“Yep!” you answer and pop the p. “He’s a busy man and besides, I was hoping he’d bend me over the desk after round one. But noooooooo. Steve had to interrupt and make him work.”

You sigh dramatically.

“Steve is kinda cute.”

At Rachel’s words your eyes go wide with glee.

“HE IS!!! We are so going to have to set up a date for the four of us.”

“HEY,” she squeals. “All I said was he was cute.”

“Actually you said’ kinda’ cute but now that he’s officially cute it’s happening,” you tease.

Rachel leans in closer with a grin, clearly trying to change the subject. “I bet Javi’s had blue balls since he left you.”

You laugh at that then drop your head back against the couch.

“He’s so fucking sexy,” you groan and then proceed to melt into the cushions. “I just can’t stop thinking about him.”

“Wow,” Rachel chuckles. “You’ve got it bad.”

You shoot her a narrowed death stare.

“I mean I totally get it,” she adds. “He really is…” and she fans herself. “But I’ve never seen you this crazy over a man.”

“It’s his fault.”

“Of course it is,” she agrees.

“And the worst part is…” you start as you peel yourself off the couch and lean forward like you’re sharing a secret, “I like him. Like really like him. So now not only am I super horny but I’m actually worried about him too. It’s so fucked!”

Rachel stares at you and blinks several times before blurting out, “but you never actually got fucked and that’s the problem!”

You both let out a cackle and some of the tension slips from your shoulders.

“When is he going to call?!?!?”

You whine out the question and kick your feet like a child.

He doesn’t call for the rest of the afternoon and you’re slowly losing your mind. You think about visiting the precinct but Rachel convinces you to give it a little more time. Your body is thrumming with anticipation and it’s becoming too much. You have to see him again…touch him again, feel him. You have to know he’s ok.

“I can’t stand it anymore,” you sigh into the phone.

“You know he would have called if he could,” Rachel assures you.

“Yeah,” you muse.

You’re quiet for a few moments and Rachels says, “you’re going down there aren’t you.”

“I have to,” you answer. “I can’t sit here anymore.”

As you drive toward the precinct your sweaty hands try to find a firm hold on the steering wheel and your mind races. You arrive without remembering the trip and then you see several police vehicles parked haphazardly outside and a large group of officers mulling around.

You jump out of your car and frantically search for Javi, spotting Steve first, who with a swift tilt of his head points you in the right direction.

Your eyes track the movement and the first thing you notice is how his sweaty shirt sticks to his skin and his tac vest hangs loosely from his hand. His gun is tucked neatly into the back of his jeans and his dark hair is hanging messily in front of his forehead.

Relief is the first thing you feel and soon after the swift heating of your skin as you continue to stare and take in how good he looks.

He looks up and his eyes land on you. His throat works hard with a swallow and he takes a step forward. It’s all you need to get moving.

When you meet, toe to toe, he wraps his fingers around your arms, holding you in place while his gaze sweeps over you.

“I couldn’t stay away Javi.”

Your words soften his expression and he hauls you into his chest. You press your face against his neck, still glistening with sweat.

“I’m sorry,” he says. I’m a mess angel and I was going to call. We just got back.”

You grab onto him more tightly and run your tongue along his throat.

“I don’t care if you’re a mess. Everything about you is hot and sexy.”

He grits out a curse and grabs you around the waist, tugging you away from the crowd.

“Missed me that much?” he asks when he has you out of sight and caged against the side of the building.

“You have no idea,” you breathe out as your fingers explore his skin.

“Actually I do,” he answers with a press of his hips, his cock hard along your stomach.

You push on his chest to make some room, hands falling to his belt and fumbling with the leather.

His rush of breath meets your skin and a shiver runs down your spine.

“Angel?” he asks. “Here?”

You look up into his eyes and watch a bead of sweat roll down from his temple, following the hard line of his jaw before it drips down his neck.

“Yessss,” you whimper, grabbing the collar of his shirt and spinning him around. “I can’t wait another second.”

His back hits the wall with a thud and his eyes widen for a brief moment before they close at the press of your lips. You place a kiss to the warm skin of his neck, just beneath his ear. Then another, closer to the collar of his shirt. He trembles and you kiss the strong column of his throat.

You move to the other side, trailing kisses along his skin and when you bring your lips away he captures them in a searing kiss.

You part to catch your breath and slide down his body to your knees. His gaze falls to you and he hisses out a low “fuck.”

You open his belt and unzip his jeans, dragging them down his thighs with the scrape of your fingernails along his skin. The muscles in his legs shift as you pull him free, fingers sure as you stroke them down his length.

“Javi,” you murmur and lick your lips.

“Fuck angel…keep looking at me like that and I’m gonna cum before you even get me in your mouth.”

You trap your bottom lip between your teeth and tighten your grip. Your tongue darts out to lick across the tip of his cock, tasting him. It makes your thighs squeeze together and you let out a little whimper.

Your tongue runs over the length of him before you take him in your mouth, squeezing and sucking greedily to let him know how much you want this.

Withdrawing your lips to the tip, you roll your tongue around him and gaze up at him from under your lashes. He meets your stare, the sight of you on your knees too much and he loses all sense of his control.

He thrusts his hips, grabbing the back of your head to hold you in place. You meet him for every stroke, your mouth and hand working in unison until you feel him start to thicken and pulse.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck baby,” he growls.

His release glides hot down your throat and you slowly slide your mouth off him, licking up every last drop.

You crawl up his body with soft kisses, lingering on his exposed chest as he gathers you closer.

“Let’s go angel.”

He quickly fixes his pants and grabs you by the hand, pulling you toward his car with wide steps. He holds the door open, helping you in before rounding the vehicle and driving off with a screech.

When you reach his house he all but hauls you inside and drags you toward the bathroom. He starts running the water until it’s steaming up the tiles.

You take a step and close the distance, tugging his shirt from his pants and undoing each button until it hangs open at the sides. You peel it off his skin and start on his jeans. When his belt is loose you unzip his pants, bending down to kiss the dark trail of hair you slowly reveal.

“Angel,” he whispers, his raspy voice hitting you hard.

Your teeth sink into his bottom lip and you thread your fingers through his hair, letting his hands wander and tug clothes from your body.

He grips your waist, fingers tightening until he reaches up and trails a path of heat to your breast. He walks you toward the shower, placing you under the hot stream of water. You have no reaction to the cool tile as your back hits it, your legs opening to let him settle between them, rolling your hips, sliding across him so he can feel how wet you are.

You trace every inch of him, loving the feeling of the growl that explodes from his chest. It’s the sweetest torture to watch the drops of water run down his body, catching on his long lashes and sliding through the dips of muscle.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” he rasps.

“I was about to same the same thing to you.”

Reaching down you grab his cock in your hand and pull him closer, every breath leaving you in a trembling mess.

His lips are everywhere and it sends you reeling but you shift until the tip of him slides inside you.

“I told you I can’t wait another second Javi.”

He purrs out your name as he presses you against the wall and pushes in deep.

“What do you want?” he asks, pausing.

You can hardly think straight with him inside you.

“Angel, tell me.”

“You. I want you Javi,” you manage. “I want you to fuck me. I want it all. Please.”

“I’ll never getting tired of hearing you say that” he murmurs.

His kiss is hotter than ever, hungrier and relentless like he has to own every part of you as he slowly finds a rhythm. His fingers work over your breast, pinching your nipple and soothing the softness after. His other hand finds its way between your legs and you can barely stay upright.

You rake your nails over his shoulders, relishing how he tenses against you and groans louder. You tighten around him and come hard, shaking in his arms as you feel him follow close behind, a string of curses falling from his parted lips.

You stay like that for a while, letting the warm water cascade down your bodies while his lips and hands continue their reverent exploration.

You wake curled up in Javi’s arms, your head on his shoulder and your hand resting on his chest. You find his eyes trained on you.

“Mornin’,” you mumble.

The early morning sunlight filters through the window and bathes you in a warm glow.

“You really are an angel,” he whispers and continues to stare.

“Javi?”

You shift and throw your leg over his waist, looking at him questioningly. “Is there a reason you’re staring?”

“I’m just making sure it wasn’t a dream,” he answers softly.

With a demure smile that contradicts your next move you kiss his lips and start to slide down his body but he stops you with a firm hand.

“I don’t think so,” he growls. “As much as I want to fuck that pretty little mouth again, it’s my turn.”

“Who said you get to call all the shots?” you demand, pushing at his shoulders and forcing him back against the pillows as you straddle him.

You rock over him and his cheeky reply melts into a groan of pleasure.

“You’ll be the death of me angel,” he grits out.

“You better mean that as a compliment.”

Bracing a hand on his chest you rub yourself over his cock, teasing and sliding over him again and again.

“Angel. Fuck. You’re playing with fire. I’m not made of endless patience.”

You smile wickedly and in one smooth movement sink down on every inch of him.

The noise he makes is obscene and you lean forward to kiss him, gasping against his lips when he smacks your ass.

You meet his eyes, dark with desire but warm with something more.

“I need every morning for the rest of my life to start like this,” he murmurs.

@blackwidownat2814 @lizette50 @hiddles-rose @kmc1989

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal narcos #javier peña #javier peña x reader #pedro pascal x reader #narcos #javier pena fanfiction #javier pena x reader #javier peña x you #javier peña smut #javier pena x female reader #narcos fanfiction #javier peña x y/n

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 2 days

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AITA for not texting my friend?

To be clear I have no intention of cutting off this person, I will not block or ghost them, and if they text me I WILL answer and not be dry or lame about it.

I just won't be the one to start any conversations.

Moving on:

The story is super complicated but I'll try to keep it coherent.

Three people in the story (fake names):

Me (20)

Alex (16) - friend

Luck (16) - younger sibling We are all the same gender.

Something to keep in mind about me: I have always been very sheltered, naive and distracted, people have told me so and the more I learn the more I realize how ignorant I am. So I have very little experience, perception and knowledge of worldly things. This makes it difficult for me to keep up with people my age and I spend most of my focus on stories I like to write. It's not an excuse for anything and I'm actively working to be better.

Something that doesn't contribute much to the story but may be nice to know: Pretty much everything happens online, I've only met Alex in person like 4 times for birthday parties and stuff.

Now the story: I met Alex three years ago during covid when I was doing school online (I was 17 and Alex and Luck were 13). I was introduced to Alex through my younger sibling. Luck added me to a group chat with a bunch of their classmates, and I got popular really fast. Alex took a particular liking to me, because they thought i was funny and we had many of the same hobbies. So Alex was the first of Luck's friends to start a chat with me directly. Alex was always online and so was I, so we ended up talking alot, like all the time. I noticed Luck got kind of jealous, and that was when I began to wonder if the friendship was right, but I did nothing about it.

Eventually Alex and I started writing a story together, it's something I try to do with all of my close friends and we got really into it. A big rule that I have is that the real world and fiction are separate, under no circumstances are they to entertwine, especially emotionally (ex. I have never and will never insert myself in a story or daydream, not even if reality sucks for me at that time) Alex was different, they got attached to the characters. So there I am, obsessed with progressing the story's plot, and I kill off one of my characters. Alex expresses discontent, but not much. It's through Luck that I find out later that Alex had been crying about it for days. I felt bad and brought the character back, and life went on.

A year and a half into our friendship and Luck seems to have gotten over her jealousy, while Alex and I spend more time writing and focusing on the story than anything else. There are some signs in the rare times that Alex and I talk about life that it become apparent that Alex is going through a rough time, but I don't think too much about it since the story is all that's on my mind. On top of this there's school and whatever.

One day Alex starts asking for breaks from story writing and plotting, and I agree without a fuss. It gets me thinking a bit more, and after a couple more days during a conversation about the real world Alex sends a long paragraph about how horrible things are. (I won't explain what exactly these horrible things were for privacy reasons) Now I realize how inconsiderate I've been so far and I tell Alex that I'm there to support them in whatever they need. I spend pretty much all of the next year texting them every hour of every day and this is what happens:

At the beginning of our friendship our conversations flowed wonderfully, we shared our achievements and showed genuine interest in each other's lives. But things changed and by this point In the story our conversations go like so:

Me: (asks a question) Alex: (responds) Me: (reacts to response) Alex: (dry response) -Repeat infinitely-

Aside from that we would always say goodnight and Goodmorning to each other.

One time. Only one. Alex texted me asking for help and I didn't see the message until hours later. I never really forgave myself for that.

At this point I'm 19 and Alex is 15, and it suddenly crosses my mind how our friendship might be perceived by others. I considered Alex another younger sibling, but with all the crazy things happening in the world I wondered what others would think. In the end I concluded that Alex needed me and it didn't matter. So life goes on. My entire life revolves around helping Alex, when I'm not texting them I am worrying, my own problems come second. My whole family thinks I'm addicted to my phone. I'm always tired and stressed. The stories were put on pause.

Time passes and soon I'm turning twenty. I'm starting to think I can't do it anymore, our friendship has turned kind of codependent (I didn't even know what that was until a month ago). I consider ghosting many times, changing my number, blocking, but only for a couple minutes at a time and I always hate myself for thinking it afterwards. I keep talking to Alex, but sometimes I'll answer a bit slower. Let them wait 3-5 minutes instead of 1-2, if I really steel myself I can hold back for 7 minutes.

One day without warning Alex doesn't text me at all. They've dissapeared before but never without sending a quick message to let me know about it, not until this day. Their status also worries me, only one word: "gone". There I am internally freaking out, losing it, trying to come up with reasons for which everything is fine. I don't ask Luck if they know anything because I know they'll get annoyed. It's not until late the next day that Alex lets me know they went a roadtrip. I tell them "I was worried lol" and immediately they ask why. I wasn't expecting an apology but the question struck me as weird, so I was reluctant to answer. Alex pushes for an answer, they haven't been this interested in what I've had to say for years. I with horror I realize that they liked that i was worried, they wanted to milk it as much as they could. I understand that people need validation, but I was already constantly complementing Alex and telling them how important they were. The fact that they preferred my panic (though in Alex's defense I never told them I was panicking) hit me hard. I didn't elaborate on why I was worried. Alex got upset. And i spent the next hour sobbing over my phone, realizing i needed some distance.

I started slow. I wouldn't say goodnight somedays, others I would forgo a Goodmorning, but I always answered (I swore to myself never to leave Alex on read). I went on a trip and I decided I would enjoy it for once, so I let Alex know i couldn't text much. Nevertheless this lack of contact didn't keep me from worrying and wondering endlessly.

After the trip we kept texting less, we expressed missing each other but neither of us did too much to keep things going. I tried to focus on my in-person relationships, and friendships with people my age. I went back to stories and published a novella.

Nowadays Alex and I talk maybe once every week and a half. The conversations are excruciating. Alex tells me how things still suck, my usual words of comfort seem to mean nothing to either of us anymore. Alex leaves me on read as soon as the conversation goes dry, usually after ten minutes worth of conversation, sometimes over the span of many hours. We don't talk again until I cave in and say hello. Then a couple days later Alex says hello. And then it's up to me again, and every time I tell myself I won't do it.

Luck has told me their opinion of Alex, they saw way before I did how self-centered Alex is. The thing is Alex doesn't do it on purpose, I am entirely sure of that and so is Luck. Luck treats Alex nicely but they're out of touch, more than I am. I am not mad at Alex. I still care deeply for them, but I feel like there's nothing I can do andour old dynamic just hurts both of us. Cutting them off is not an option, they're just a kid and I'm better than that. So I just don't start a conversation.

A couple days ago Alex texted me (even though it was my unspoken turn to text first) and we talked, and the conversation wasn't dry at all, and it wasn't that painful to deal with. They showed interest in my life and shared some sad stuff but also happy stuff about theirs, and it felt like old times. We texted the entire day. At one point the they mentioned that I could text them whenever I wanted, and I felt an underlying petition that I do. The conversation went on and eventually they left me on read the next morning when I answered a message from the night before.

Ever since then I've been actively holding back from texting them but I can't help but wonder if I'm a jerk for it.

These aren't even all the factors but this post has gotten too long lol.

So AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole

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outrunningthedark · 3 days

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regarding ryan clearly stating multiple times that eddie is heterosexual, do you know if that has ever happened before? was he ever this unambiguous? and what about oliver? has he ever talked about buck's sexuality in definite terms? i know he agreed with the view that buck is bisexual but i wonder if he ever said in an interview or somewhere that buck is heterosexual.

This question got me going on a deep dive (and having fun). SO. With the caveat that I ofc have not uncovered every EARLY interview in print, the short answer is: No. But I brought context! Oliver, interestingly, (from what I can find) did not have to deal with much Buddie speculation from journalists in season two and even early season three during the tsunami arc. Here's a TVInsider article about Buck, Actually that calls Buddie a bromance. Oliver says something we heard when he was doing promo in March - supporting Buddie means people care about the characters and the show, so was happy know the fans are so invested in the story. Here are three articles about the tsunami arc that focus on the Buck and Christopher dynamic instead of Buddie. Here's an article previewing the the second half of season 3 in which Buck and Christoper are once again mentioned, and Oliver gave this response that I have NEVER seen mentioned (👀): "I'm just waiting for Buck to be called [Christopher's] godfather." I did find ONE TVInsider interview for the 3B premiere where Oliver said Buddie was a "friendship, bromance, whatever you want to call it" BUT also allowed for the possibility of it being romantic in the future after discussing the Buddie edits he and Ryan find on social media. (He was definitely not looking at his character as fully hetero just from edits/clips because that RS article we've all decided to ignore said season four was when Tim first brought it to Oliver as a possibility.) As for Ryan. Like I said, I can't find anything atm where he *explicitly* refers to his character as straight or heterosexual, but his answers have never offered room for SERIOUS speculation. Interview with Anthem Magazine from spring 2019 in which Ryan first (? I think) brought up two men having emotional ties to each other being a "taboo quality". (And we can see his mind hasn't changed, understandably.) Here's another with TheWrap on Eddie Begins where he says Buck's reaction to thinking he lost Eddie would be the same for anyone who thought they lost a brother. Bonus: This is also the interview where he mentions having assumed Lena was going to be set up as LI and was surprised it didn't happen. Ryan was asked about the Buck/Abby reunion to close season 3, calls Buck Eddie's "wingman". Just for comparison. I'm also gonna include a link to a Hello Mag interview (with the well-known Buddie shipper) where she REALLY took advantage of the Buckley-Diaz story line after the shooting. (And where I *personally* think Buddie started getting out of hand with the media because of the online reaction. If people on instagram and twitter and tumblr didn't know what Buddie was before, they definitely did after 4x14.) I'm still keeping my eyes peeled, so if I spot anything else to add that I think would be of interest, I will be sure to do that. :)

#anonymous #tina speaks

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diabolicjoy · 10 months

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god i have just. so much shame and regret and i’m 23 and time is always passing and i’ll be 24 25 26 27 with even more shame and regret it’s building up

#i spent the whole day asleep and now crying #and i have so much to do and i keep ignoring my responsibilities #when you start showing signs of depression at 13 and it never stops now what #it’s my period talking i’m aware that every beginning of every month i want to kill myself &#the rest of the month i’m trying to recover & failing #every thought i have during these weeks just haunts me #thanks pmdd #but i know that in truth that’s just me and the period is intensifying it #i can’t remember a time when i felt truly okay #during all these years #tw depression #tw sucidal ideation #je.txt

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anaalnathrakhs · 2 months

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i keep looking at posts like "i stopped a binge" "i prevented a binge" and all of them are like. "i waited until the urge went away". buddy. the urge doesn't go away. there's no urge. there's just nothing else to do. i don't have anything else to do. every time i stop eating no matter how long i sit with the feeling or not, i always go for more food because there is genuinely nothing else in my life. nothing is enjoyable anymore. the world sucks. no matter what i force myself to do it's the only positive thing i can ever find.

#like okay cool i let the people around me guilt me into eating whatever they think i should be eating #i get it. i'm so fucking stupid for missing out opportunities to try new food. i should never buy the same food twice.#i should always buy all the variety i can and try everything.#i'm so stupid for having eaten the same stuff in a loop for years and years #i'm a massive fucking weirdo for not eating when other people are eating #i keep stealing food from my parents and the people around me i keep taking way too much of stuff intended for a group #nowhere i go will be free of obligations #i have to keep buying my own poison because everywhere i go there's other people's food waiting for me anyway #my parents keep looking at me like a freak no matter if i eat dinner with them or not #they see me binge and nothing happens #we just ignore it #i just eat until Designated Eating Time is finished #hunger doesnt ever have anything to do with it i just eat when food's in front of me #i need the ritual i need the structure it brings to my life #both meals with other people and my ritual binges #i dont know what to do with myself when i'm not binging #and it's like i'm not allowed to not want food #to other people #it's like i must necessarily want all food and anytime i refuse it's restriction #my friends are always like ooooh you can grab some of my fries if you want #or oooooh do you want the rest of my cookie #or ooooooh and how about you are you ordering something #and i'm like :) yeah sure :) like anybody else would :)#and to myself. to myself i don't know. i think i just want to give up. i want to suffer and i want to fuck up so badly.#so badly that no one can deny i need help #i want to be proven right. i'm just a little weakling and all i'm good for is to haunt the halls of a mental hospital.#no responsabilities no pressure nothing but a pitiable suffering victim #i want somebody or something to swoop in and save me #but nobody will come. it's my job to ask for reasonable help from the relevant authorities. and currently they can't offer that care.#so fuck me i guess

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kittlyns · 14 days

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I had yet another long, strenuous day yesterday and didn't finish work until super late and then I couldn't fall asleep until well past 2am cuz I was in so much pain from standing literally all day

#what made it worse was the client I spent most of my day with was a brand new client. and she booked super last minute #so I wasnt mentally prepared for doing a 5 hour color. and her natural hair was already pretty light so I had to foil foil foil. go back.#pull out first couple foils. foil foil foil. go back. pull out the next few.#over and over and over.#and her hair was so fucking long. and so fucking thick.#and after the first hour she wouldn't talk. like I like my silence so I don't fight it much #but every now and then I would try to engage with her. I'd say something and she would straight up ignore me. no acknowledgment.#which makes me feel anxious cuz it's like jesus... does she hate me?? did I piss her off somehow?#even when I finished her hair (it looked fucking amazing no lie. one of my best highlights yet.) she had next to no reaction to it #she was like 'it looks fine. I mean good. it's good.' completely deadpan #I laughed it off and was like yeah it's been a long day girl! but it looks amazinggg on you!!#no response. deep inhale. alright.#whatever tho.#when I did finally get off work I stopped @ bojangles cuz I was lightheaded and hadn't eaten since morning #and when I tell you I almost broke down into tears cuz there were so many people crowding the goddamn pickup area.#and so many bizarre conversations going on. genuinely felt like I was in some form of hell #like my feet hurt. my back hurts. I'm tired. I didn't get the validation I like to have over a 5 hour transformative color.#I'm hungry and there are two elderly women blocking the pickup counter. one is hard of hearing so she keeps yelling HUH???#and the other only speaks in soft baby whispers. that goes as well as you can imagine.#there's a man behind me grilling an employee abt whether or not he goes to church. he starts witnessing to him #and the employee says 'I've never thought about it like that before' no less than 4 times.#there's a child in front of me playing tiktoks @ full volume. and this is all happening simultaneously.#I really considered just leaving without my food but I knew I needed to eat and didnt have anything at home so I stuck it out #was it worth it? no. bojangles honestly sucks these days but what's a girl gonna do.#got home and tried to pass out but nope. tossed and turned all night.#put on hot n cold patches to try to soothe the pain a little. didn't work cuz one pain would be eased a bit and another pain would take over #blahhhhhh #and now. I get to do it all over again! yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

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paris-geller-was-straightwashed · 1 month

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'I just don't believe in/understand it!' well unfortunately for you I just don't stop existing as an agender person bc you don't believe in it. I'm not fucking tinkerbell.

#vent post #transphobia #let's play a game where we guess if my mom can ever learn to apologize when she did something wrong on accident #and that answer is rarely if ever #a lot of this isn't going to make sense #so just ignore me #also class move from my mom in response to being told she was (potentially) misgendering to RANDOMLY BRING IN MY FATHER WHO I'VE BEEN TOO #SCARED TO EVEN COME OUT TO YET #LIKE NO I HAVEN'T BROUGHT THIS UP WITH DAD AND YOU FUCKING KNOW WHY #BUT THANKS FOR BRINGING HIM INTO THE CONVERSATION I GUESS THAT WAS SUPER RELEVANT #maybe I messed up but so fucking did you #confronted her in the most neutral and nicest way I could bc I KNEW she wasn't misgendering on purpose and so I SAID THAT #and /I/ get called TOO SENSITIVE when asking them too be a bit more careful #I'm not asking for tHE FUCKING MOON HERE I'm asking you to LEARN TO CORRECT YOURSELF WHEN MESSING UP #and I keep fucking saying sorry why do I DO this the second there's friction #I just start apologizing for her and saying I never meant to cause harm I can never stick to my guns when I feel someone's mad at me #especially someone I'm close to why am I LIKE this #this happened the last time we argued and then I feel bad and she gets off scott free #this sounds one-sided but to be fair I did make a misunderstanding #but I still get called ''''too sensitive''''' while holding no accountability #I was APPROACHABLE and NEUTRAL in bringing it up so we could HAVE A CONVERSATION LIKE ADULTS #and yet STILL ASKING FOR TOO MUCH and get the cold shoulder #I knew she was mad from the first text #this shifts lines a little for me #misgendering #tw transphobia

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munch-mumbles · 2 months

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ive been a little upset about it all night so i need to write out all the things that happened at work today and are bugging me so i can TRY to get it out of my head and actually RELAX bc i just keep pacing in circles around it instead of just accepting it and moving on

#for context i was working frying chicken today. ok so i arrive and literally all the chicken out expires within ten minutes of each other #meanwhile to remake everything takes about an hour 20 #tried my best to get everything out and replaced and make sure i have enough of everything and then take my break bc with chicken there are #few narrow windows to take your break in you have very little control over when it is #get back and while im getting ready for my next fry one of the assistant leaders comes back and passive aggressively asks 'everything ok?'#and when i say yeah shes starts saying how shes 'just checking' because apparently i didnt have enough chicken out for her liking and went #on about how we're in a chicken drive (I KNOW. I WORK CHICKEN SHE NEVER HAS.)#etc etc. i just say ok and she leaves #like 20 minutes later she comes fucking back to rag on me again about how i need to choose my break times better and i need to have more #chicken out there as back up (extremely difficult bc there is literally only so much room in the fryers. the batches i usually make already #nearly completely fill them up) blah blah and then when i try to explain how i WAS making pretty big batches people are just snatching them #up fast she keeps trying to walk out the door right away and keeps stopping and looking over her shoulder to just stare at me while i try t #finish my sentence #and she just. doesnt say anything in response when i do finish she just leaves #so clearly she didnt want a conversation she just wanted to rag on me #then later for cleanup the timing of everything just kept lining up inconveniently so i kept having to get in and out of raw cleaning gear #and slowing myself down and i end up having to stay almost 15 minutes late to finish cleaning #during cleaning i have to go grab a key to the back door to take out my trash and this one coworker i have was standing in the way of the #door. i say excuse me and she just stares at me and goes huh?#and i say i need a key and she barely moves out of the way without responding and she has a look like im bothering her #why are you acting like im being douchey. i just need a key. thats something she does a lot she acts like im inconveniencing her by asking #basic favors . ive stopped asking her to help me open the back door (sometimes needed if i also have raw garbage to take out and therefore #cant touch the key myself) for some reason she takes it upon herself to almost completely close the door after i walk out so when i come #back i have to awkwardly use my foot to reach around and pull the door open #ive asked her before not to do it and she just ignored me #GRAH GRAH. and then like i said in my last rb i realized while i was drivign home i forgot to wash a damn pan #im mostly worried about it because ive forgotten a couple times in the past too . in my defense its a pan i personally dont use but it just #gets left behind from first shift sometimes and then second shifters end up having to make sure its clean #im just irritateddd and im mad im worried about it all. its all little things piling up on each other #LOL I WROTE A LOT MORE BUT THE REST GOT CUT OUT IG I HIT A TAG LIMIT. tumblr voice ok dude quit your bitching !!

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iliveinprocrasti-nationn · 2 months

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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else

#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more #I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s #the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything #that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da #lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how #get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to #and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not #be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much #of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in #bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it #into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it #but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted #any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself #not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha #usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day #because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere #I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s #just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway #this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this #bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school #vent tw #yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely #disability #chronically ill #i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho #i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to #anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse #I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours #I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework

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makkie-is-screaming · 2 months

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think I’m gonna have to try and recover from my ed because I haven’t had my period since the first week of December and googling amenorrhea is scaring the shit out of me

#But there’s no one I can tell so I’m just gonna have to do this myself which is terrifying #but being forced to recover if I decide to quit is scarier #this is gonna be really fucking hard and I’m scared but I can’t keep going the way I am #I need help but there’s no one #can’t tell d bc we barely started talking again n we’re not close #can’t tell Q bc I’m scared she’ll leave me n it’s not her responsibility either way #Can’t tell my sister or cousin bc I don’t want to scare/trigger them n they’re too young to be responsible for this #can’t tell my brothers bc ones 10 and the others a dickhead #can’t tell my parents bc they’ll either freak out and micromanage everything I eat as long as I live with them #or invalidate me and ignore it #I wish I could tell Q though I’m so scared and stressed and I think even just taking to her in the phone about it would help #But she’s already dealt with so much if my shit and last time my ed got bad she kinda ignored me #I mean she tried at first but then got distracted by her bf n yeah…#Screaming

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blueprint-han · 1 year

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did i make a mistake?

#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags #so yeah fair warning #...........................................................................................................................................#idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man #i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk #about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text #or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want #to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes #fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the #relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard #to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call #a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who #asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it.#i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt #think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was #again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy #who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him #and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first #relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant #really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy #himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly.#theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house #has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place.#its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid #i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over #a relationship that has just been going for 1 week #theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of #which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a #long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i #ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog

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kil9 · 1 year

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my mom when i was a kid: when you were an infant your bedroom caught fire lol but it was fine.

me: ok. im sure some freak accident that no one could have prevented in any way

my mom at 26: the smoke detector was beeping so i took the batteries out and stashed it in a closet without telling you, like a couple weeks ago. i figured you would probably fix it for me despite never telling you about it

me: ah. ok. connecting dots here. . .

#99.txt #😐😐#normal family i have suchhh a normal family ahahhahhaha #both my parents -_-.... basically didnt do anything #but they were there. physically. so whenever im unhappy as a kid its like #''wow you have both parents and a good income and house. i guess you are just sooo soo spoiled. you know there are orphans in the world''#<- so fucked up how ppl talk to struggling kids like that btw. if a kid is so unhappy in their home it isnt normal #also like ''wdym your dad is abusive he literally doesnt hit you'' 🥴🥴 okey. but ill hit u if you keep talking like that #my dad just didnt have time for any hitting 🥺#between all the screaming at the top of his lungs at newborn babies. and the cheating on his wife with teenagers. he was so busy #and maintaining a good career so he could go on business trips to cheat more lol #but yeah i had it real lucky as a kid cos i got to go on those business trips sometimes -_- fun #and my mom is just like.....#''wow i literally was nice to you as a kid and drove you places. if you complain you just hate me and are so mean and critical of me''#like.................. the older i get the more i realise just. no one was being resposible #ive tried to maturely explain this to my mom recently and its like a brick wall #''wdym. im so nice'' but have you ever been responsible? ''well i think just i have a nice style parenting :)''#but what about responsibility ?? for your kids ? ''but im so nice. what more do you want from me you ask for so much :('' TO BE RESPONSIBLE #also ''im so nice'' bullshit just ignoring all the times shes said things that make me wana kill myself #literally told me no one would want me after i was in hysterics cos she was already being mean to me #and then when i bring it up later ''oh i was just stressed out. im allowed to feel my emotions. plus i dont remember and u made it up''#ok........ then when im like. stressed out and not even being mean just using a slightly different tone its all #''wow you are so cruel just like your father and you hate me. you never consider my feelings and i think you should be kicked out probably'#lol get me out of here............................#dont even get me fucking started on my sister i dont have time to haven an episode right now -_-#guh sorry for this i dont have a therapist and it shows

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lucretiasnightmares · 2 years

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I am such a massive hoe for quality polycules and queer platonic relationships in fiction like I will greedily consume that shit

#this is in response to akagami whichbu sleptnon for 7 years and finally watched and read #i fucking love obi and my only thought fowards him and the main couple is all of them have 2 goddamn hands #HOLD THEM #obi for rhe first time ever feels deeply connnected to others to the point he literally says to a formers coworker #that he feels hes left a part of himself behind with his group #he loves his weird new family hes found in shirayuki zen mitsuhide and kiki #and hes confirmed in love with shirayuki and if you can look at his interactions with zen and think theyre completely normal go away #hes so loyal and he cares so much #only other thruple ive felt this way about is 3zun and even then not all of them mesh well canonically like canonically they have issues #but these 3 all love and respect each other and actively work to keep each other happy #therefore i say let them be together #im having A Week and falling into fictional bliss to ignore my stresses is how why this is happening #sigh #i need to go do shit #im just so tired #what i wouldnt give to be a well paid live in nanny for a rich couple #maybe child care is what i was meant for instead of teaching #who knows #maybe ill look for that kind of work #i genuinely would be stoked to find a wealthy couple in their like 30s or 40s with young children who needed a live in nanny #bc i am a great older sibling or mentor figure i think #like i have actual interest in children and their development and a desire to lessen their school and life related anxieties #and i am physically able to get on their level and play and embarass myself with them #which in my experience is not something that can say for all child care providers #i WILL go to the park with them and attempt the physical challenges and propose various games #i am more than willing to mess around and look like a fool and the fact that i was able to sucessfully play with and be acdepted by #a 13 yr old boy whose parents assumed would ignore me is genuinely one of my proudest achivements #kids are weird but fun and i think i am a quality addition to a child rearing endeavor #okay bye im done #future me reading this can deduce my state when writing this 😐

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strawbearydreams · 14 days

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#so ive never really done a vent post like this on here (or anywhere for that matter)#so idrk how this is gonna go but ig im gonna try it anyway cause idrk what else to do at this point lmao #look. listen. i know. i know *logically* that if i did die or disappear or whatever i know people would miss me #i know people would be sad and heartbroken and i know people care about me listen. i *know*#but i just. i cant help but think that everything would be better if i just. wasnt here #like. i just feel like such a burden to everyone around me. like i feel like i make everyones life actively worse #especially my dad #god he deserves so much better than me #i treat him so fucking badly like. all he asks of me is to keep my spaces clean and i just fucking. dont #i let the shit and the garbage pile up until hes overwhelmed cause i cant fucking bring myself to do simple fucking human tasks #cause of my fucking adhd or whatever #even though thats just an excuse #i should be able to do these things! i should be able to function like a normal human being!#i should be able to keep up with my hygiene and my chores and my school and work responsibilities!#but i cant! i fucking cant!#god im so fucking tired im fighting. im so tired of trying over and over and over again all for it to not fucking matter in the end #cause im right back where i fucking started #god all of this is just a shitty excuse to continue being a shit fucking human being #i dont even feel human anymore lol i feel *less* than human #god i wish i was less than human. i wish i was a fucking dog or something #that way i wouldnt have to worry about this bullshit world #that says a lot about me huh #im gonna end it there #ignore this pls #vent #tw vent

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alchemiclee · 1 month

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as a fellow introvert; we are social creatures. introverts who purposefully see no one for months on end are usually just in a cycle where its been so long since they’ve hung out that it’s too intimidating for them to do anymore. i 100% feel tired after hanging out with my friends but i DO also feel happy and refreshed! tl;dr - you’re super normal lol. try to reach out to a couple people just to chat this week <3

thanks for reaching out I really appreciate it❤️ but I have to rant a bit. I allow you to ignore it!

I wish to not be a social creature because going too long without having a friend to talk to or not having someone to talk with almost daily feels bad and it's so hard to have a friend when I need one D:

i've been reaching out to people for the last few weeks or so but they don't reach back. try playing games with people but they play with their other friends or dont feel like playing. invite people to hang out but they say maybe and never give an answer or don't respond.

I don't want to bother my closest friends in our group chat too much in our group chat but the chat is mostly me sending messages with no response and even couple times saying I need a friend when I was having bad days but they didn't want to chat and I dont want to force anyone to entertain my lonely depressed ass. (especially when all I really needed was to talk about the new star rail stuff to distract me but I don't think they've finished it yet so I don't want to spoil) they live together so they always have to socialize and probably make each other tired without needing to add me to it.

so i've also been trying to reach out to new people, like joining twitch chats again for the first time in years. but that never goes well and doesn't satisfy my social needs. too many people talking at once and being the new person no one cares about and all....getting to know a new is very exhausting. but it's so hard to just be able to skip all that getting to know each other stuff jump straight into talking about a thing we both like (in this case it's star rail and cosplay and maybe art) I don't have enough already-known people to reach out to and i'm too tired to do the small talk dance until it's appropriate to jump into special interest territory. being autistic is so exhausting. I with to be one of those rare autistics I sometimes hear about that have 0 interest in social interaction at all

so as you can see, i'm trying. so hard. to the point I'm exhausting myself. it's been too much work for no payoff and makes things feel worse when the outcome isn't what I need and its constant reaching with no one grabbing my hand back. so I keep making annoying tumblr posts about it. i'm so sorry to anyone that reads my nonsense 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 this is a normal thing with me but it's usually kept to my other blog that's reserved for more serious posts like this but I tried posting here as a way to "reach out" and see if it invites any friendly friends or something but I don't think i'm doing it right...

(but I am going to a con tomorrow with someone I haven't talked to in like 2 years. but we don't have anything in common anymore so theres not much to talk about. he's the only person who responded to me after trying to reach out for like a month but I fear it will only exhaust me being around too many people and not help this gross need to have a deeper connecting socialization D:)

#i dont know how to ask for attention without asking for attention because attention seeking is bad and annoying #the more needy and annoying you come off the more people will ignore you. saying i need someone to talk to or hang out with gets me ignored #but being vague gets me also ignored???? like just trying to start a convo by throwing things out randomly doesnt work either #so if i cant be direct or indirect or invite people or ask to be invited or anything else ive tried ehst do i do?#how do i satisfy this stupid social need im cursed with? it takes me a month or 3 to recover from socializing so its not like i always ask #but its still too much. and “you need to find the right people” isnt helpful. because how!!! ive been looking for that for 30 years lmao #i just need someone to invite me and always invite me every time and always reach out first every time (well not every time. just dont make #me be the one every time because thats how it usually seems to go)#but no one wants to do the work and tell me when its ok to bother them. if i bother someone too many times in a row and get no response #then i will stop and wait. and wait. and wait. and give up eventually. or after certain amount of rejections i give up.#so that i dont come off as needy and attention seeking and obnoxious. if people want me they can come to me. and when no one does #that just feels bad. i hate that it feels bad. i wish to make that stop. i wish to turn off feelings.#i cannot figure out the line between bothering someone too much or just enough. how much am i required to push people #and how much is too much where i snap the line while trying to reel them in? because ive snapped more times than ive caught #or the bait just gets completely ignored and i get bored of waiting #oops im slipping into metaphor territory now. that means its time to stop saying words.#hopefully no one reads my annoying tags. i just needed a free space to ramble and vent amd tags are lile little whispers to do that in #but also it is autism acceptance month. people should be adopting a local autistic(me) person to show them what having friends is like #lee rants #im being super particular about how i need to socialize right now as well. dont want trauma bonding/life talks/depression sharing type stuff #only want special interest light hearted goofy fun talks. but those are so hard to do. its easy for people to default into doom conversation #but its hard to keep them on my topic of interest and to stay positive 😭

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