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introvertguide · 3 years

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Bonnie and Clyde (1967); AFI #42

The next film that we covered for the group was the period true- crime drama, Bonnie and Clyde (1967). It is the story of the notorious Barrow gang, led by Clyde Barrow and Bonnie Parker, during the American Great Depression. This film features a cavalcade of some of Hollywood's biggest actors including Warren Beatty, Faye Dunaway, and Gene Hackman. It is supposedly quite accurate because some of the witnesses and even a couple of the gang members of the actual crimes were still alive during the production of the film. Actress Estelle Parsons won Best Supporting Actress for he portrayal of Blanche Barrow, which I would like to comment on. I also want to speak a little to the accuracy of the story, but first I want to spoil the plot of the film.

SPOILER WARNING!!!! I AM GOING TO REVEAL THE WHOLE MOVIE SO I CAN COMPARE TO WHAT I LEARNED ABOUT THE ACTUAL HISTORY!!! THE MOVIE AND THE REAL LIFE STORY WILL BE SPOILED COMPLETELY!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!!!

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In the middle of the Great Depression, Clyde Barrow (Warren Beatty) and Bonnie Parker (Faye Dunaway) of Texas meet when Clyde tries to steal the car belonging to Bonnie's mother. Clyde had spotted Bonnie hanging out in her room naked from the heat, and she spotted him watching her and was intrigued by the danger. Bonnie is bored by her job as a waitress, which Clyde correctly guesses, and decides to take up with him and become his partner in crime. They pull off some weak crimes including a bank heist at a location that has been hit by the depression and there is no money. Clyde actually makes the teller come out to the escape car and tell Bonnie what the deal is and she just laughs at the situation.

The pair find an extra man in a worldly ignorant but mechanically inclined gas station attendant named C.W. Moss (Michael Pollard). Clyde apparently has a way with words because people just join him for no real reason besides being bored. Clyde's older brother Buck (Gene Hackman) and his wife, Blanche (Estelle Parsons), a preacher's daughter, also join them. The two women dislike each other at first sight because Bonnie thinks that Blanche will ruin their fun (she does) and Blanche believes that Bonnie is evil and wants to get rid of her (she does). Keep in mind while watching this that Estelle Parsons won the Academy Award for Best Supporting Actress for this portrayal.

Bonnie and Clyde turn from pulling small-time heists to robbing banks since they now have a full gang. Their exploits also become more violent when C.W. comically botches a bank robbery when he sees an open parking spot and decides to parallel park. He can't get out of the space quickly and he delays their escape, forcing Clyde to shoot the bank manager in the face when he jumps onto the slow-moving car's running board. The gang is pursued by law enforcement, including Texas Ranger Frank Hamer (Denver Pyle), whom they capture and humiliate by taking his photo and setting afloat on a little dingy on a nearby river.

The group likes to switch out cars because they treat the getaway vehicles very rough. When they are seen stealing a car by its owner, a young man named Eugene Grizzard (Gene Wilder) and his girlfriend Velma Davis (Evans Evans), the robbed couple attempt to follow the stolen car. The gang stops and takes the couple hostage in the chase car and even pull over to get some burgers. They let the couple go when they find out they are in their 30s (too old apparently) and find a roadside stop. A raid later that night catches the outlaws off guard, mortally wounding Buck with a shot to his head and injuring Blanche so she can't see. Bonnie, Clyde, and C.W. barely escape alive. With Blanche sightless and in police custody, Hamer tricks her into revealing C.W.'s name, which they use to find any safe places where the remaining gang might go (until then, C.W. was only an "unidentified suspect").

Hamer locates Bonnie, Clyde, and C.W. hiding at the house of C.W.'s father Ivan (Dub Taylor), who thinks the couple have corrupted his son (as evidenced by an ornate tattoo that Bonnie convinced C.W. to get). The elder Moss strikes a bargain with Hamer: in exchange for leniency for the boy, he helps set a trap for the outlaws. When Bonnie and Clyde stop on the side of the road to help Mr. Moss fix a flat tire, the police in the bushes open fire and riddle them with bullets. Hamer and his posse come out of hiding and look pensively at the couple's bodies as a nearby flock of swallows fly away.

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This film stood out as it was a comical version of the super violent gangster films that were popular in the 30s. Storywriters David Newman and Robert Benton wanted to punch up the violence with a romantic undertone so they sent the script to French New Wave director Francois Truffaut for contributions. Warren Beatty was visiting Paris and heard about the project then decided he wanted to produce the picture. He was going to have his sister, Shirley MacLaine, play the roll of Bonnie until he decided that he was going to play the part of Clyde. That would have been really awkward, so he tried find a lead actress that he could have a romantic scene with. Many actresses were approached and Faye Dunaway was eventually chosen for the part.

Beatty decided that they needed an American director and offered that job to a plethora of established directors in Hollywood and finally landed on Arthur Penn even after he turned down the position multiple times. What it all comes down to is that not a lot of people wanted to be part of this production. It was considered somewhat of a risky art film at the time because of the questionable sexuality of Clyde and the heavy violence.

So what was so risky? Looking at films that were made only a few later, this seems rather tame. This film came out just a little before the MPAA was established and the writers had been influenced by the French films that didn't have the same restrictive film rules that were present in the United States. It was originally proposed that Clyde be played as bisexual, but the script eventually called for him to be more asexual. The real Clyde Barrow had been sexually assaulted in prison so he would have been scarred by that experience and might not have been interested in Bonnie in that way. This depth into a character's sexuality had generally been avoided in American cinema before this film and there was concern about audience reactions. They shouldn't have worried because the movie was a sleeper hit, eventually making $75 million on a $2.5 million budget.

The number of graphic murders actually shown on screen (especially when Clyde shot a guy in the face who jumped on the car during a get away) was unprecedented at the time. There was also some dismay by critics about the portrayal of Bonnie as sleazy and the whole gang as somewhat stupid. These were a bunch of uneducated folks that grew up in a time when it was more important to find a job. They were smart enough to avoid capture for years, which is shown in the movie, so they had to have some sort of intelligence.

There is a little bit of an elephant in the room with this movie and it involves the historical accuracy. The dates and crimes are well documented and a lot was known about the characters when the movie was produced. However, a major part of the movie was speculation and fabrication about the personalities in the gang. The characters that were based on living people at the time were actually the least accurate as C.W. Moss was a fictional person based on two different gang members (one who was still alive) and the actions of Blanche Barrow were based on a different member of the gang. The real Blanche Barrow lived until the 1980s and famously complained that Parsons's portrayal "made [her] look like a screaming horse's ass!" Parsons is the one the went on to win Best Supporting Actress.

This film was much more enjoyable for me on second watch. The first viewing left me hating the character of Blanche and I wondered if there was some sort of conspiracy to get that actress an Oscar. On second view, I realize that she was necessary to be a foil to the gang. There had to be a weak link in the chain and the audience knew that she would be the downfall of the group. Her presence made the police encounters all the more intense because there was this crazy wild card that could ruin everything at any time. It really adds a touch of comedy along with a bigger element of suspense. She is annoying, but enjoyable, and the people around her react to her behavior in a realistic way, so I appreciate what the character brings to the table.

I would highly suggest looking into the real life of Bonnie and Clyde along with the whole Barrow Gang because they took major advantage of the Great Depression banks, but not so much the suffering people. To some, the members of the Barrow gang were considered celebrities or even heroes because they were getting back at the banks that had mishandled so many people's money. I started my search off with this nice article on the Encyclopedia Britannica site and dug deeper to find out more about the connections between the real people and the film:

https://www.britannica.com/biography/Bonnie-and-Clyde-American-criminals

So does this film belong on the AFI top 100? I absolutely think so. It has some connections to French New Wave, but it is American directed with American actors and it tells the story of some of the most notorious criminals in American history. It is also a very good film that won Oscars and was a box office success. Bonnie and Clyde are part of Americana and were almost the equivalent of a Robin Hood character to many at the time. Would I recommend this film? I would. Keep an eye out for the Blanche character because she can be annoying, but know she serves a purpose and the movie is not all about her. The connection between Bonnie and Clyde is epic and has influenced a lot of American films, so enjoy it for the cinematic quality, the history in film, and the history of the United States.

#bonnie and clyde #true crime #crime drama #warren beatty #faye dunaway #introvert #introverts #classic cinema #AFI top 100 #crime couples #famous criminals

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bran-writes · 4 years

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AK Character Flashback: Devon

Devon could tell Zig-Zag was starting to get anxious, which the eleven year-old could understand- he really didn’t want to be caught dead in an abandoned insane asylum on the outskirts of The Barrens after dark either. But, Devon was spurred on by the burning question in the forefront of his mind.

“You can just stay out here, if you want,” Devon shrugged, glancing behind him. Zig was climbing the vine-shrouded stone steps, sweat glistening on his forehead. The boy pushed his glasses up and scoffed.

“I’m not scared. I’m careful.”

“I know.”

“Plus, I probably would be more scared out here by myself than in there with you… So… There’s that.”

“Okay.”

“Why do you care so much, anyways? You didn’t even know the kid.”

Devon stopped, grabbing the straps of his backpack and pulling them tight. He knew why he was here, he just wasn’t sure if he could explain it. Zig came to a stop next to him and patiently waited for an answer. “You ever felt really alone?”

“Sure, that was like, all I did before I met you guys.”

“Imagine how he felt,” Devon nodded towards the looming, decrepit building. “Nobody should be that alone.”

Zig wiped his forehead with his shirt sleeve. “Okay.”

The two continued ahead, stepping around debris from wreckage they had no context for. As they walked closer, Devin kept an eye on the cracked, dirty, blackened windows above, half-expecting to see the ghost of a young boy staring back at him.

If the rumors about this place were true, Devon would probably feel like crying after he left, but he pushed on anyways. He just wanted to know.

Zig-Zag pulled the door open for Devon and held it while the boy walked through, pulling the cheap drone out of his backpack and clicking the activation button. With a whir, the tear-shaped device sputtered, faltered in the air in front of him as if it was dangling on a string and then straightened out.

“We need a new one,” Zig sighed. “Flashlight.”

A beam of light shot from the front and two sides of the drone. The lobby of the deserted building sat uncomfortably still- the broken down furniture and abandoned desk cast strange shadows on the dirty surfaces. Devon connected the drone to his watch and set it to record video and audio.

“We good?”

“Yeah, let’s get this done so we can go.”

“Speaking my language, Han Brolo,” Zig smiled.

The two kids picked their way around the rubble, while the drone’s secondary set of lights scanned the scorch-marked walls and shattered doors. They kept an eye out in all directions, wary of anyone lurking around the halls. In any other old abandoned building around town, they’d have to worry about squatters and addicts approaching them from the dark(so they’d been told). But here in Sam Morner Hospital, they probably wouldn’t have to worry so much. Nobody hid out here, not this close to the Barrens.

Following the old floor plans on his phone, Devon lead Zig-Zag through connecting hallways and down a flight of stairs, their outdated drone humming behind between them. The place was stiflingly dark and smelled like old, wet moss and rusted metal.

“He must have been so scared,” Zig sighed.

“We’re close.”

They reached the bottom of the stairwell and paused, the drone shining it’s three lights down down each hallway of the T-Junction. Down the paths to the left and right, Devon saw nothing but a stretch of darkness past the light beams- other than motes of dust drifting restlessly. He was really starting to wish they were back at Zig’s house, where they were supposed to be.

I’m sure he wanted to be home, too, Devon thought.

Ahead of them was a short dead-end hallway- a group of rooms that once served as storage used by the staff of the facility. At the end of that hallway was a single door, the faded and chipped word “MAINTENANCE” stenciled on its rusted bronze surface.

“There it is…” Devon whispered. He felt his stomach turn and that familiar lump in his throat when he was trying not to cry. They stepped forward and got halfway to the door when they heard shuffling.

“Flashlight,” a voice whispered sharply from behind them.

The drone went dark.

The boys were enveloped in the blackness.

Zig screamed.

Devon joined him in screaming when he heard someone scramble towards them too fast for them to react and Zig hit the floor. “Flashlight- High Beam!”

Kwin Bergeron sat on Zig’s chest, cackling in the harsh light of their drone.

“You fucking psycho!” Zig hurled punches up at their friend, who just blocked them, laughing before rolling off the boy.

“Kwin, what the hell?” Devon panted.

“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it!”

Zig sat up, on the verge of tears, “Yo, that’s not cool, you almost gave me-”

“Boo!”

Both boys screamed again, Kwin laughing even harder after Holly Groene leaped from the shadows. “Jesus! What are you two doing here?!”

“Uh, we showed up at Zig’s house and you guys were gone-zo,” Kwin chuckled, “and so was the dang drone. We checked the app and saw it out in Old Pine. We took a few guesses.”

Devon took a moment to catch his breath and let his nerves settle, while Kwin helped Zig up. “Great, that’s great.”

“Wait, how’d you beat us down here then?” Zig brushed himself off.

“Your brother,” Holly shrugged. “Him and his girlfriend drove us around to Hartley and parked in the back. All we had to do was wait.”

“No fucking way,” Zig scoffed, “Miles would never let you come down here alone.”

Holly pulled at a strap on her shoulder and revealed the hunting rifle she had slung. “I got this baby with me.”

“Anyways,” Kwin sighed. “Let’s do it to it. Nobody wants to be near the Barrens after dark.”

“Tell me something I don’t know, asshole.”

“Wait, what do you think we’re doing?” Devon tilted his head.

Kwin looked confused. “We’re here to pay our respects, right?”

“Yeah…”

“Cool.” Kwin walked down the hall and stopped in front of the door, Holly joining him. Devon and Zig followed. “You do the honors,” Kwin stepped back.

Devon gently pulled the door and it opened with a sad, lonely whine. The room was small, cramped, musty. The drone cast it’s dim light inside onto a dry, filthy blanket, a couple of empty tool boxes an a message sloppily written on the wall:

ILY Mom

A year ago, police in town followed a tip and found the body of 12 year old Charlie Nemitz down here. Charlie was a quiet, reserved hemophiliac and the constant target of bullying at their school. He was small, skinny, frail and had an awful stutter, even when he talked to himself in the halls. Even Devon knew that all Charlie wanted was to be left alone to draw and color his art. That didn’t stop kids from picking on him- and since Charlie never told on his bullies, and he never fought back, it got worse over time.

This was where Charlie Nemitz died. This was where- after a group of bullies spotted him walking alone, jumped him, dragged him into Sam Morner, down the stairs and threw him into the room- his last moments played out. Bleeding out from his internal wounds, Charlie kicked and screamed at boys who were just upstairs. The bullies clowned around thinking they’d let him out in a few hours after they’d downed all their stolen beers. This is where Charlie used one of his markers to scribble a barely legible message to his mother in the dark. Charlie succumbed to the internal bleeding in his brain, stomach and limbs before the three bullies thought to check on him.

Devon unslung his backpack and set it on the ground as he crouched next to it, tears streaming down his face. Zig did the same and pulled out his own belongings he’d brought.

He wasn’t surprised the rumor about the message on the wall was true, he just needed to know. The three boys had all just been convicted, and the message(for whatever reason) wasn’t mentioned in the trial. But the kids around school swore it was real- some claimed to have come down there themselves to see it.

Devon just wanted to know.

“I brought some old comics I don’t read anymore,” Zig whispered. He laid them out neatly against the wall. “He passed by me one day in the cafeteria and saw me reading ‘em. I could tell he was trying to get a good look at the, uh… at the pages, but when I asked if he wanted to read em… he just shook his head and walked off.”

“These are some of his drawings I tried to replicate one day cause I thought they were pretty cool. Mr. Connors had them hanging outside the art room, so I went and tried to sketch it myself? Like one day before school. He was really good, but he was an older kid so I was scared to ask him about it. I wish I had.”

Kwin stepped forward and reached into his own bag, pulling out a smooth orb that reflected off the drone’s light. “I didn’t really know him… I only saw him a couple times. But I kept thinking about how dark and scary it was in here so I brought a Glo-Ball… I don’t know, it won’t last forever, but-”

“It’s cool, I’m glad you brought it,” Devon interrupted. Kwin had a tendency to doubt himself, so the boy often found himself stopping his friend from getting there.

Kwin shook the glass ball, coaxing it to glow brighter and brighter the more he did so. He cranked a switch in the flat side on the bottom to increase the time and hit the alarm feature. “There, it’ll last for 6 hours every day at noon. At least til the dang battery dies.”

The kids- Devon, Zig, Kwin and Holly- stood there for a few long and silent moments before Devon stood up and brushed his pants off. “He deserved to still be here. That’s what all this means.”

The others remained silent in solemn agreement, before Kwin stood up as well, swiping his hands together and nodding in approval of their memorial. “The dark’s the worst way to go.”

“What’s that from?”

“I forgot, but I have nightmares about this stuff all the time,” Kwin shrugged and turned for the door. Followed by Holly. Zig and Devon followed, back up the stairs, out of the side entrance to the abandoned facility where Miles Sutter’s car was waiting with the teenager and his girlfriend inside.

Before they got any closer, Devon stopped them all. “Hey, I just wanted to say thanks for coming out here with me. It’s cool I didn’t have to do this by myself.”

“No problem,” Holly brushed her blonde locks back, “And it’s cool you did this. You have the best ideas.”

“Yeah,” Kwin lightly punched his shoulder, “It feels good. Like, having an ending to it. I don’t have to pay attention to any of the bullshit rumors and news stuff. We said goodbye.”

“I think he’d appreciate that,” Zig sucked his teeth. He wrapped a skinny arm around Devon’s shoulders. “Good work, Inspector Cooley. Another case taken care of.”

Tag List:

@remi-writes-sometimes @writerinafury @the-violet-writer @anomaly00 @writinglyra @linariouswrites @drabbleitout @carmina-solis

#apocalypse kings #ak flashback #Devon Cooley

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bigherosixfeels · 5 years

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So I have high hopes for season 2 of Big Hero 6 since while the first season wasn't bad I feel like it could have been better in some spots. One thing that really bugged me about season 1 was Fred. Like, I enjoyed him in the movie, but doesn't it feel like he's a bit dumber in the show compared to how he was in the movie? Like movie Fred never really annoyed me but there were times in the show where Fred came off as annoying sometimes.

Hi! Well, I definitely understand where you’re coming from in terms of Fred. Some of his outbursts can kinda be a bit over the top for sure. While prior to the movie, I had a pretty solid ranking of where the characters stood from my personal favorite to least favorite (Fred being 5th pre-series) I’m not sure where they all stand now.

But I must confess that I have been wanting to make a post in regards to the idea of Fred not being smart. I just had a feeling some people probably feel this way and I totally get why. But to be fair, he’s not a genius or super scientifically intelligent compared to the others.

So anyway I hope this doesn’t come off as me trying to argue with you because that’s not my intention at all. I can see what you mean as to how Fred has been portrayed in the series thus far, and while he’s not my favorite character, I really want to get out all my examples that shows he’s actually not as dumb as he comes off at times.

Okay so for starters, ever since the movie, Fred has been the comic-relief character. He’s goofy, his ideas are classified as “not science”, he mixed up certain phrases for languages. And as we know, he’s just the mascot at SFIT and not majoring in anything. He’s a science enthusiast, but above all, he’s a comic book lover.

And not only is his love for comic books heavily shown more in the show, but it’s also his strong suit. He is the one main character out of the six where his smarts don’t stem from science, but from his knowledge of comics. And while this may not seem very impressive in comparison, it’s incredibly useful when they’re on missions.

The first time we get to see Fred use his comic book knowledge in the show is in Issue 188. Now, I admit I was annoyed that what Fred found out was actually meant for Hiro’s secret identity situation rather than helping them defeat High Voltage. But what he did find out for Hiro was a useful piece of information for him to use. “People see what they want to see.” I admit this isn’t a great first example, but I felt that it was worth mentioning.

I’m going to get just a tad bit off topic as far as comic books go, but as someone who actually really enjoyed the episode Fred’s Bro-Tillion, I loved how Fred defeated Baron Von Steamer. Despite his fear of spiders kicking in due to the design of Steamer’s mecha-suit, the others were unable to fight and he used his knowledge of ballroom dancing (which he has just learned like a day beforehand) to his advantage.

In the beginning of Food Fight, we see that Krei gets temporarily paralyzed due to Momakase. She stole half of an anti-gravity device. The other half is still secure in his “other secret safe”. The team wants to know where that safe is, but it’s classified and Krei tells them they’ll never find it. But guess who immediately finds it?

“These days, the only reason people have globes is to open secret safes. I mean it’s pretty obvious.”

Fred was immediately able to discover Krei’s other secret safe solely based on how observant he was of his office!

The is a very small point, but at the end of Muirahara Woods when they’re trying to get Baymax back, they attempted to have Ned fall into a hole. And while he climbed out of the second hole, he fell into a third hole. The idea of having a third hole was Fred’s.

In Failure Mode, it starts with Fred, Hiro, Baymax and Honey Lemon staking out an art museum. The only reason they’re doing this in the first place is because Fred suspects something is going to happen. According to Fred, “Museum galas are like in the top three favorite super villain things to interrupt.” A minute after explaining this, the gala is under attack by Globby. Fred had him and most of the team stake out the museum on an educated guess that it would be interrupted by a villain and he was correct!

At first, I wasn’t going to bring up any moments from Aunt Cass Goes Out because there were a lot of moments where Fred doesn’t come off as the brightest and kinda does have some interesting dialogue. And while he was the cause of the Buddy Guard turning on them by placing the nerd gang’s sodas in a very bad spot, he also was the one to find a way to see where the Buddy Guard was when it disappeared. He used ketchup packets. And yes, that did get ketchup all over the place, but it got on the Buddy Guard which they were then able to hit and discover its glitch.

While it was definitely unintentional, how things went about in Mini-Max was well thought out. Fred is shown not to do well with missions on his own. He causes more harm than good without realizing, but Hiro designs Mini-Max to help watch Fred whose watching the city. It’s a really good dynamic. While Mini-Max is designed to keep Fred out of trouble, Fred sees him as a sidekick. And yeah, Fred definitely needs the extra help when on solo missions, but in the end he’s the one who saves Mini-Max when confusing the security system so greatly, they terminated themselves. Fred may have overthought through things a lot, but it’s because of that that he stopped the bots.

I’m going to keep this part brief, but I like that Fred learned from his dad in Steamer’s Revenge. He learned some of his dad’s classic moves and played the part of Boss Awesome pretty well. Steamer is pretty easy to fool when it comes to identities (I mean he did think Wasabi was Fred), but Fred definitely learned some good stuff here.

In The Bot Fighter, Fred comes up with the suggestion to go undercover to find out who’s responsible for making the bots that were part of a robbery.

He gets this idea from a Captain Fancy comic book. While he already has fake mustaches for everyone and thinks it’d be great for all of them to do this, it’s not quite the solution. However, Hiro says that it is a great idea; it’s just that he needs to be the only one doing the undercover work.

This is probably my favorite point to bring up. In Obake Yashiki, the team is trying to find stolen crates that Noodle Burger Boy had stolen earlier in the episode. Hiro discovers the location to be in a very tall building, but they don’t know which floor. Immediately after this, Fred asks if he sees any construction. After Baymax scans the building, he states that the 23rd floor is under construction. Fred then says that’s where he thinks Noodle Burger Boy is.

“Villains love exposed pipes, beams and plastic tarps.”

And Fred’s theory is proven right again!

Finally, I’m going to talk about Countdown to Catastrophe! Fred has come up with the “perfect plan” to catch Obake.

“Globby’s been trying to steal Krei’s energy amplifier. And Globby’s been working for Obake. If we set a trap for Globby making him think we have an energy amplifier, we can catch Globby. And make Globby lead us to Obake.”

He tells this plan to Gogo who admits that this is actually a good plan.

In order for this plan to get into action, Fred needed to have Krei agree to have a fake press conference, pretending he has a product that doesn’t exist. Naturally, Krei doesn’t agree to this idea at first. Both because Fred wants him to do this the next day and because he doesn’t want to be attacked. But luckily, Mini-Max reminds Krei that Globby stole his wallet which makes him agree to the plan.

Now, was this plan successful? No. No it wasn’t. Fred didn’t plan on other villains joining Globby in stealing the non-existent energy amplifier. Hiro also wasn’t present for this fight which didn’t help. But despite that, this plan Fred came up with was still a good idea at the time.

TL;DR - While Fred isn’t as brilliant as the other main characters, he’s still very intelligent in his own ways. Despite not always being portrayed that way and often given lines where he doesn’t seem to appear very smart, he’s very savvy due to his comic book knowledge.

#fred isn't always the brightest but he's overall pretty smart imo #anywho i have high hopes for season 2 as well!#fred #big hero 6: the series #bh6: the series #big hero 6 #bh6 #analysis #pc-the-unicorn #long post

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bowow0708 · 6 years

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Ruby vs The Machines chapter 20

Team RWBY wake up one seemingly normal morning only to find that Ruby isn't alone in bed. She's surrounded by five strange girls who came out of nowhere. Who are these girls? And why are they fighting over Ruby? (RubyxHarem) (rated M for suggestive/sexual themes)

Full story on Fanfiction and AO3

or keep reading here

Disclaimer I do not own RWBY

Chapter 20

Ruby laid on her stomach in her bed, her feet raised up swaying back and forth as she hummed to herself, reading an old issue of Red vs Blue.

It was the weekend, which meant no class and the whole day free to do absolutely nothing.

Nothing at all.

Yup, nothing.

Not a thing.

Ruby dropped her comic and pushed her face into her pillow and began rolling back and forth on her bed.

“Waaah! I’m Bored!” yelled Ruby, though her voice was muffled by her pillow.

Ruby lifted her head, her lips formed into a pout.

She was alone in their dorm room. Yang had went out with Blake, Ember and Celica, and Gambol Shroud. Weiss also had said that she had things to do, so Myrtenaster had gone to accompany her. Even Team JNPR wasn’t in their room across the hall. Strangely enough, even Crescent Rose was missing so she couldn’t even do some modifying and maintenance on her.

So there she was, left all by herself in the room bored out of her mind.

Ruby was just about to start rolling around in her bed again, trying to get rid some of that nervous energy, when a knock sounded on the door.

Ruby’s head whipped towards the door as she lifted up her torso, now fully alert but wondering if she just imagined it.

“Is someone there?” she called out.

Another set of knocks came.

“I’m coming!” shouted Ruby, jumping off her bed and rushing to the door.

Ruby quickly opened the door to reveal Bumblebee who stood on the other side.

Ruby’s face immediately brightened into a wide grin, upon seeing the taller woman.

“Hey Bumblebee!” she greeted happily.

“Hey yourself, Ruby.” she replied, smiling back at Ruby. She then looked up and past her into the room, her eyebrows raising slightly, “You’re all by yourself?” she asked.

Ruby’s wide smile turned into a sheepish grin, as she looked away, scratching her cheek with a finger. “Y-yeah, I’m the only one here. Everyone else had something to do and headed out.” replied Ruby, then asked, “Are you looking for Yang?”

Looks like today is my lucky day, I get to spend some time alone with Ruby! thought Bumblebee.

Bumblebee shook her head, “Nah, though I’m surprised that she’s not here since she didn’t use me to go wherever she went. I just wanted to come here and hang out or something.”

“Oh!” said Ruby, her smile returning in full force, “Come on in then!” she said, moving out of the doorway to let Bumblebee in.

As Bumblebee entered, Ruby closed the door behind her and turned around to look at the taller woman, but didn’t say anything.

Bumblebee sat on Blake’s bed while Ruby didn’t move from her spot at the door. A small stretch of silence hung over them, as they both awkwardly looked at and away from the other.

Ruby was about to say something, but Bumblebee spoke first, “So, what were you doing before I came?” she asked.

Ruby twiddled her fingers as her eyes glanced at the comic that laid open on her bed. “I wasn’t really doing anything, just reading some comics to pass the time.”

Bumblebee perked up at that, “Really?” asked Bumblebee, sounding interested. “Could you show me?”

Ruby blushed slightly at Bumblebee’s request, Red vs Blue wasn’t your typical comic it was mostly comedy with the characters in absurd situations with puns, crude jokes, running gags, and slapstick. “U-uh sure.” said Ruby hesitantly. It wasn’t the type of comic that she’d normally share with her friends, to put it bluntly.

Ruby then walked towards her bed reached over to grab the comic from where it rested and showed it to Bumblebee.

“It’s called Red vs Blue.” said Ruby, holding the comic against her chest.

“What’s it about?” Bumblebee asked.

“Well it’s about the adventures of these bunch of guys on two teams, Red and Blue, and all kinds of crazy stuff that happens to them. It’s mostly comedy, but it’s got some interesting stories too.” Ruby explained.

“That sounds pretty cool, can I take a look?” asked Bumblebee.

“Uh, I guess, but if you’re gonna read it I think you should start at the beginning since this issue is kinda in the middle of a big story arc and you might be confused.” said Ruby.

“Sure, that’s fine with me, it’s not like I have anything better to do.” said Bumblebee.

“I’ll go get the first issue.” replied Ruby, walking over to Yang’s stuff and started to dig around, looking for said comic book.

It didn’t take her long to find the comic in question, it was well read and fairly worn, but despite all that it was still in good condition.

“Here it is!” exclaimed Ruby, walking back over to Bumblebee, holding out the comic to her.

Bumblebee accepted the comic and laid it on her lap, then surprised Ruby by patting the spot next to her on the bed with her hand. “Come sit next to me, I want you to read it with me.” said Bumblebee.

Without even any time to respond, Ruby was pulled down to sit next to Bumblebee on the bed, letting out a squeak in surprise.

Bumblebee then sidled up to Ruby, wrapping an arm around her and pulling her close as she opened the comic to its first page and began to read.

Ruby on the other hand couldn’t focus on the comic in Bumblebee’s hands, not when she was this close and in this much contact with Bumblebee.

Even though she had gotten fairly used to waking up with Crescent Rose, Myrtenaster, Bumblebee or even all three occasionally sneaking into her bed at night and sleeping next to her, they had finally managed to reinforce her bunk bed to accommodate said nightly intrusions. She had even gotten used to Crescent Rose’s excessive bouts of physical affection, but Bumblebee was a different matter.

Bumblebee had stolen her first kiss and had even proclaimed her love for her. Ruby still didn’t know why Bumblebee was in love with her, nor had she given a response to Bumblebee’s confession.

But sitting there on the bed, that close to Bumblebee, Ruby could feel the warmth that radiated from Bumblebee like her engine on a cold autumn day. Not only that, but the way she smelled. Bumblebee smelled like clean oil, leather, and maybe just a hint of that new car smell strangely enough. She didn’t stink, far from it in fact. The way Bumblebee smelled almost reminded Ruby of the machine workshops that she’d used to spend hours upon hours in.

But Ruby’s thoughts were interrupted as Bumblebee exploded into fits of laughter. She turned to look at Bumblebee to see that she had a wide grin splitting her face, completely engrossed into the story.

It was fascinating for Ruby to see. Normally, Bumblebee appeared pretty aloof with most things, if not just bored. That was when a thought popped into Ruby’s mind.

“Hey, Bumblebee?” Ruby began tentatively.

“Yeah?” replied Bumblebee, looking up from the comic in her hands.

“Do you have any interests?” asked Ruby, looking down as she fiddled with her fingers.

Bumblebee tilted her head in confusion for a moment, “What do you mean, Ruby?” she asked in response.

“I mean like hobbies or stuff you like to do, things like that.” said Ruby.

Bumblebee closed the comic book and laid it down on her lap as a thoughtful expression formed on her face. “To be perfectly honest, I don’t think I have anything like that.” said Bumblebee.

Ruby blinked in surprise, “Really? So what do you do all day?” she asked.

Bumblebee shrugged, “I just hang around the school garage in my normal form usually. It’s boring just sitting there, but it’s nothing new anyway.” she then put a finger to her chin humming as she gathered her thoughts, then continued, “I do sometimes just go walk around Beacon and the surrounding area.”

Ruby pursed her lips as some of what Bumblebee had said stuck in her mind, and hesitantly asked, “Is that what it’s like for you all the time? Before,” Ruby gestured at Bumblebee herself, “all this? Like you experience everything around you, but can’t really do anything about it?” It was a horrible thought. Was it like that for all the other weapons?

Bumblebee’s eyebrows furrowed, “Yeah. . . I guess, but. . . at the same time not really. I mean, before I got this form, time usually just seemed to slip by, y’know? I wasn’t conscious or completely aware of it exactly, I remember some stuff but kinda in the way like how you remember a dream. Things just sort of happen, fading in and out from one moment to the next.”

Ruby felt some relief at Bumblebee’s answer. She couldn’t imagine what it would be like not being able to move or do anything for hours and days on end, being completely aware of what’s happening around her.

“Do you think it’s the same with the others?” Ruby asked.

Bumblebee shrugged again, “I can’t speak for them, but if I were to guess, then probably. Why do you ask?”

Ruby stiffened and stammered, “Uh-uh-um just curious, that’s all! hehehe.” chuckling nervously.

Bumblebee looked back at Ruby with a suspicious gaze, then a cheshire grin began to spread on her lips.

“But you know, there is one thing I really like.” said Bumblebee, setting the comic aside and turned to face Ruby, leaning closer.

“R-really?” Ruby asked nervously, her heart beating a little bit faster. “A-and that is?”

Bumblebee leaned in closer as she stood up, her hands on either side of Ruby’s body on the bed, their faces now inches apart. Ruby swallowed audibly, a blush forming on her cheeks, as she leaned back trying her best to give herself some space before her heart exploded in her chest. But Bumblebee kept leaning in closer and closer until Ruby was lying back on the bed. Bumblebee crawled forwards with her hands until was practically laying right on top of Ruby. Their faces were so close to one another that their noses were almost touching, Ruby could feel Bumblebee’s breath on her lips as her mind flashed back to when they had first met and had stolen her first kiss. Not to mention the impressive weight of her bust resting against Ruby’s own.

“You.” said Bumblebee simply.

That single word caused Ruby’s face to erupt into crimson, which didn’t really help her as Bumblebee gave her a quick kiss, more of a peck, really. Ruby began babbling incoherently as Bumblebee raised herself up and laid down next to Ruby, facing her.

Bumblebee laid there patiently until Ruby calmed down enough so that she could face her again, Ruby’s hands clasped together against her chest. “I know that you haven’t given me a response yet, but I’m willing to wait for as long as it takes. When you’re ready.” Bumblebee whispered quietly.

Those words sent a bolt of guilt through Ruby’s chest. She would have already given Bumblebee an answer if she could. But there were so many things happening these days, not to mention all the new feelings she was experiencing. It wasn’t just Bumblebee, but there were others that Ruby felt differently than before.

And before she could give an answer, to any of them, she first needed to make sense this storm of emotions within her chest.

“Yeah. Thank you.” replied Ruby in a quiet voice.

They both laid there in silence, staring into each others eyes, Bumblebee smiling brightly back at Ruby.

“I think I’ll finish that comic later. Is there anything else here that we can do together?” asked Bumblebee.

Ruby thought about it for a moment, “We could play some video games.” she suggested.

“Sure, I’m willing to give it a try.” said Bumblebee, “I’ve watched you guys play a couple of times, but fair warning I dunno if I’ll be any good.”

Ruby quickly stood up from the bed, and turned to face Bumblebee, “It doesn’t matter if you’re good or not.” she said smiling, “Just so long as you’re having fun, that’s all that matters.”

With that Ruby turned around to get the game set up on their TV, while Bumblebee propped herself up on her elbows and watched Ruby prepare the game.

Now what game should we play? thought Ruby, as she scrolled through their game library.

XXX

The afternoon passed by quickly. Ruby had Bumblebee try a few games, they even played a couple cooperative games. She was surprised to find out that Bumblebee was a quick learner. She easily got the hang of most of the games, though some weren’t really her speed.

But the game she really enjoyed was a first person shooter type of game that consisted of two teams of various heroes that she could pick with each one with specific abilities and roles on each team then they have to compete to complete a specific objective. Ruby’s favorite character was the sneaky sniper woman, while Bumblebee preferred the quick witty speedster character.

They spent most of the afternoon playing that game. They both had tons of fun trying out different heroes and even joined an online match or two. They both had their asses handed to them while playing online, but like Ruby said, what mattered was that they had fun.

“Hnnnggggghhhh!” sounded Ruby, dropping her controller to the floor and stretching her arms up, trying to relieve some of the stiffness that was inevitable from hours of playing video games. “I’m beat. I don’t think I can play another round.” said Ruby.

Bumblebee set her own controller down, “Sure, Ruby. We can stop for today.” she said, then noticed that Ruby was rubbing her shoulder with one hand, trying to work out some of the stiffness from them.

“You okay there, Ruby?” Bumblebee asked, concern coloring her voice.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just haven’t played for this long since me and Yang were still in combat school.” Ruby replied. “My shoulders are just a bit stiff, no biggie.”

Bumblebee’s lips thinned at her words. She uncrossed her legs, kneeled down, and picked Ruby up bridal style.

Ruby was caught completely by surprise, letting out a squeak as Bumblebee lifted her up in her arms.

“B-B-Bu-Bumblebee!” Ruby stammered, but before she could get another word out, Bumblebee set her down on Weiss’ bed and rolled Ruby over so that she was lying on her stomach.

Ruby then heard the bed creak and felt a weight settle on her butt. She tried craning her neck back to see what Bumblebee was doing, but as she did she felt a pair of hands on her shoulders and they began to apply a gentle pressure. Ruby cooed and sighed as Bumblebee’s strong fingers gently dug into her shoulders, rubbing back and forth massaging the muscles underneath.

Bumblebee grinned as she heard Ruby’s little noises of appreciation. “A bit stiff? Really, Ruby?” she asked rhetorically, “You’re as stiff as a board.”

At this point, Ruby couldn’t even muster up a reply as Bumblebee kept on massaging her shoulders. She wore a satisfied grin on her lips as she sighed happily at how good Bumblebee’s hands were.

Once Bumblebee felt that most of the tension had left Ruby’s shoulders, her hands moved down to her back. This caused Ruby to squirm in place as Bumblebee’s hands glided along her shoulder blades, exploring the smaller girl’s back for any hint of tension in them. Whenever she’d find one, Bumblebee would gently but firmly press and rub in circles until the knot of muscles finally yielded to her touch and she would move on.

As the massage went on, Ruby’s coos and sighs slowly evolved into moans of half pain and pleasure as the knots of tense muscles in her back were slowly eased by Bumblebee. Just as the tension in her muscles were melting away, Bumblebee could feel Ruby turn to putty in her hands.

Bumblebee paused in her ministrations to lean down and whisper into Ruby’s ear, “How does that feel, Ruby?”

Ruby let out another pleasing sigh, “That feels amaaaashiiiiing.” her eyes were closed and a small smile formed on her lips, “Keep going.”

Bumblebee chuckled, “My pleasure.”

When she was done with Ruby’s upper back, Bumblebee’s hands slowly went southward to Ruby’s lower back and she began to knead the larger muscles. They weren’t as tense as Ruby’s upper back and shoulders, but there was a bit of tension in there as well.

Bumblebee felt Ruby tense up and shake slightly as the tips of her fingers pressed into the muscles along Ruby’s spine and under her ribs. A quizzical look grew on Bumblebee’s face at Ruby’s reaction, that is until she heard her giggle.

“Sorry, it just kinda tickles.” apologized Ruby.

“Don’t mind it.” replied Bumblebee, “Just try and relax.”

With those words in mind, Ruby took a deep breath and released some of the tension as she tried to relax. Bumblebee continued on with her massage. Ruby did her best to suppress her giggles whenever Bumblebee went over a particularly sensitive spot on her back.

This went on for a while longer until Bumblebee was sure that there weren’t any more knots in Ruby’s back, but instead of stopping, she decided to just keep going and making Ruby feel good, enjoying the little reactions that Ruby made.

Ruby on the other hand, had never felt as relaxed as she did now. She was still young, but training to be a proper Huntress was physically demanding. She had never really received a good massage before, because normally she would be the one giving other people massages. Well when she meant other people, she means Yang, to be more precise. Yang had always been the more physically active between the two of them and would often ask Ruby to give her massages especially after a hard workout or training session. There were times that Yang would offer to give Ruby a massage as well, but Ruby had learned her lesson from the very first massage that Yang had attempted to give her. To put it bluntly, Yang was terrible at giving massages. She would always use too much pressure, which isn’t very surprising considering how strong she is. She just didn’t have that certain touch that Ruby did. Not to mention when she used her elbow to almost literally crush the knots away.

But this? The massage that Bumblebee was giving her, was perfect.

Though, like all good things it had to come to and end far too soon. Ruby felt Bumblebee’s weight off her butt.

“Alright, all done.” said Bumblebee. “How do you feel?”

Ruby rolled off her stomach and sat up on the bed to face Bumblebee, rolling her shoulders feeling no stiffness whatsoever.

“I feel great! Thanks Bumblebee!” said Ruby happily.

Bumblebee smiled back warmth filling her chest at Ruby’s appreciation, “It’s the least I could do.” she replied.

“Where did you learn to give massages so well?” Ruby asked curiously.

Bumblebee blinked in confusion, then answered, “I didn’t, it just sort of came naturally I guess.”

“Oh, that’s awesome! You’re a total natural!” exclaimed Ruby.

Bumblebee’s heart began to flutter at the praise as a blush formed on her cheeks. She looked away embarrassedly muttering, “Thanks, Ruby. I don’t really know what to say.”

Ruby perked up at this as an idea came to her mind. “Hey why don’t I give you a massage too?” said Ruby, standing up to walk behind Bumblebee to usher her back to the bed.

This time it was Bumblebee’s turn to act shy, “R-Ruby, it’s fine! You don’t have to-“ but was cut off.

“Nope!” denied Ruby, “I’m not taking no for an answer. I’m treating you to Ruby’s patented super special massage.”

Bumblebee didn’t stand a chance against the smaller girl as she was guided back to the bed and made to lie down on her stomach like Ruby earlier.

Ruby grabbed a small bottle of coconut oil from a side drawer, opening it with a click and slowly spreading it in the palms of her hands, warming them up.

Bumblebee was about to prop herself up on her elbows until Ruby straddled her butt, much like she had done to Ruby just a while ago. “Ruby, I’m serious, I don’t neeEEEEEEHHHHD!” Bumblebee began to say before her words were cut off with a squeal.

Ruby lifted up the hem of Bumblebee’s blouse as she slowly applied the oil all over Bumblebee’s back. Once she was satisfied that there was enough oil, Ruby began her massage. But unlike Bumblebee’s massage earlier, Ruby started with Bumblebee’s hips and lower back.

Bumblebee moaned loudly into the bed as she felt Ruby’s hands glide on her back. It had taken her a few minutes for her to turn Ruby into putty, but for Ruby it only took her seconds.

After a minute or two, Bumblebee finally managed to form coherent thoughts while Ruby massaged her back. “Okay, okay I give. This feels incredible.”

Ruby giggled at that, “I’ve had a lot of practice.” was her reply as she continued applying firm pressure as her oiled up hands slid along the entirety of Bumblebee’s back.

Today is the best day of my life. thought Bumblebee as both her mind and body began to relax under Ruby’s indescribable massage.

Author’s Notes: Hey! Looks like I can write a chapter in the span of less than several months! I hope you guys enjoyed the chapter, it’s been a while since Bumblebee’s had her fair share of screen time but at least now her patience has been rewarded. Ruby doesn’t give massages to anyone hehehe.

For those of you who are interested and haven’t seen it yet I published another Ruby vs The Machines smut titled “Ruby vs The Machines: My Prince(ess?) Charming”. I’m sure that some of you can figure out what it’s going to be about~.

Also don’t forget if you enjoy my works you can support me by buying me a Ko-fi, link is in my user page. Also don’t forget

Please Leave A Review!

#RWBY #Ruby vs The Machines #Fanfiction

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ayellowbirds · 6 years

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Keshet Rewatches All of Scooby-Doo, Pt. 14: "Go Away Ghost Ship"

("Scooby-Doo, Where Are You", Season 1 Episode 14)

AKA "An Improbably High Number of Chef Disguises For an Episode About Pirates"

The episode begins with a foggy night at sea; a sailor aboard a large vessel catches sight of something strange through the mists. A tattered-looking ship from the age of sail? Flying the Jolly Roger?

Sure, that’s a rational conclusion. The view does indeed switch to the deck of the “ghost” ship, revealing a cock-eyed ginger buccaneer laughing madly... and then the view fades to a malt shop as the music goes from menacing to mellow.

I’ll note that his is at least the third time we’ve seen that hot rod parked next to the Mystery Machine at a malt shop. Who does it belong to? What’s their story? We may never know.

Inside the shop is an almost 1:1 reproduction of the newspaper-reading scene from episode 3, down to the pink drink with extra straws. The news this time? One “C.L. Magnus”, a shipping magnate, claims that the recent rash of disappearances of oceangoing vessels are caused by the revenge-seeking ghost of Redbeard. Shaggy hopes his “super duper sandwich” isn’t a target, a reasonable fear since it’s about as big as an oil tanker.

With Scooby’s assistance, Shaggy ties a string around his sandwich, compressing it from a height that reached from his waist to his shoulder, to a fruitcake-dense sandwich of more normative volume.

He doesn’t notice that Scooby is still holding one end of the string, however, and when he closes his eyes in anticipation, Scooby gives it a yank and opens wide, downing the entire thing in one go. “Ree-lishus!” Scooby chortles to himself, while Shaggy is left confused and hungry. Man’s best friend.

The rest of the gang do not pay attention. They are used to the boy and his dog with their bottomless appetites. They do not look directly at it, and late at night, it will keep them from sleep.

Velma and Daphne seem oddly sympathetic to the plight of Mr. Magnus the Magnate, with Velma calling him “poor” and mentioning that he’s going out of business, while Daphne calls him a “nice man”. Fred suggests they help solve the mystery, and leads the gang to Magnus’s luxury penthouse apartment.

The gang act as if they somehow know of Magnus, and that it’s perfectly reasonable that they could show up unannounced and offer their assistance free of charge. Magnus’s butler is not having any of that.

“Not to be disturbed”, he intones in a voice rendered by John Stephenson as a riff on a Boris Karloff performance. If Magnus is not to be disturbed, mister, you’re setting a bad precedent.

The gang decide to sneak in, convinced Magnus will accept their help if they can just talk to him, and they dress up as “room service”.

There’s a few obvious problems with this, aside from an attempt at unlawful intrusion into someone’s home. For starters, the butler has just seen them, and yet Velma and Shaggy do not adopt more of a disguise than throwing on aprons and hats. Second, it’s an apartment building, not a hotel. Apartments tend not to have room service.

Third, as the butler notes when they push past him, it’s 11:00 PM. No wonder Magnus wanted to be left alone! When the gang wind up tumbling into a pile of teenagers and a Great Dane and are forced to explain themselves, the scene transitions to Magnus relating how his ancestors were responsible for ending the original threat of Redbeard, and that the pirate is now seeking revenge. As he relates this, Scooby notices his butler watching from behind a curtain....

The butler is so obviously telegraphed as the culprit, that it’s obviously not him, but there’s ultimately no resolution to this bit—a comic book adaptation made him out to be a spy from an insurance company, leading me to wonder if that had been part of this episode left out of the final production.

The gang take a motorboat out in the middle of the night, having drawn conclusions about the scheduling of Redbeard’s attacks that apparently completely elude the Coast Guard and other authorities. They spot a “mysterious’ fog bank, moving ahead of the real targeted freighter and playing a decoy foghorn to try to lure out the pirate ship. Shaggy observes the fog is thick enough to cut it with a knife, and Scooby...

I can excuse the fog-cutting as a cartoon gag but Scooby where the jinkies did you get that knife? Has Scooby just had a knife on him this whole time?

The gang has little in the way of foresight when it comes to villains actually planning violence, and the ghost ship appears on a collision course prepared to ram their tiny boat. When Shaggy tries to put the outboard motor into “double full-speed reverse”, it tears a chunk of the boat off as it zooms away on its own, and their little boat is struck, cutting it in half!

That one-word response from Fred is his single best line in the series so far.

Split up in the most literal and forceful manner possible, Shaggy and Scooby squeeze in through a porthole while Fred, Daphne, and Velma climb the side of the boat, all seemingly unnoticed by the pirates. Each team seeks both the others... as well as some clues. Scooby and Shaggy run into Redbeard himself, who gives chase and menaces them with a flying sword.

It’s the specifics that make Shaggy such an icon of cowardice. The audience can’t be left to assume that this is a friendly ghost sword, wielding by some cavalier Casper. Stuck between a ghost and a sharp place, the boys are forced to plead for their lives as Redbeard and his “ghost” crew bear down on them.

Meanwhile, the other three members of the gang wander around the unrealistically massive interior of the ghost ship, wondering about its emptiness. They catch sight of Redbeard walking around and laughing, but quickly lose sight of him while sneaking about, leaving the viewer unclear on the timing of this scene. Is it while Shaggy and Scooby are being chased? Before, or after?

It doesn’t matter to the writers, because it’s clue time!

Before it can be explained to the viewer that dry ice (AKA frozen CO2) is notable for rapidly sublimating into a misty-looking vapor even at temperatures well below the freezing point of water, and that it does so especially dramatically when exposed to liquid water, the trio are locked in the room by Redbeard.

A scene transition back to Shaggy and Scooby shows that Redbeard is also standing over them, who observes that he’d spare their lives if they were “good for anything”. Shaggy says they’re good cooks, which seems to confuse Scooby as much as it does the viewer, but the threat of losing their heads motivates him to go along with it.

Oh, and Shaggy finds another use for his chef getup from when they tried to break into C.L. Magnus’s apartment, which i guess he’s just been... carrying around? Deciding that they need to make a stew that a ghost will enjoy, Scooby and Shaggy mix in chains (for rattling), ash from the fireplace, cobwebs, and on Scooby’s suggestion, an enormous bar of soap.

Shaggy, you’re a track athlete. This is how you get a fungal infection.

Alternatively, he means he hardly ever uses it as an ingredient, which is almost worse, because it implies that sometimes Norville “Shaggy” Roberts does use bar soap as an ingredient.

Redbeard has some doubts about their creation, and insists that they eat it. After some hasty mouthfuls, Shaggy hiccups out some bubbles, and Redbeard simply sits and watches as Shaggy suggests to Scooby that they “bubble our way out of here!”, turning to face the ghost pirate and spewing a screen of soap bubbles at him.

As the chase scenes continue amidst things like Shaggy utilizing his vocal talents and shadow puppetry to convince Redbeard’s goons that their captain is pointing them in a different direction, and falling overboard in a basin—forcing Shaggy and Scooby to hand-paddle after the ghost ship’s wake—the pirate vessel pulls into a skull-shaped cave in the middle of a rocky cove.

You know, i feel like Hanna-Barbera cartoons ill-prepared me for the utter lack of skeletal rock formations in real life. If i ever want to live on a mountain shaped like the yawning maw of an angry skull, i’m probably going to have to make it myself.

Fred identifies this as “a secret cove on Skull Island”, but i feel like, you know, someone ought to have noticed the enormous sea cave formed by the skull-shaped part of a place known as Skull Island. Unless Skull Island has lots of skulls. Maybe it does!

There’s a brief and confusing gag where Scooby notices their paddling after the ghost ship has attracted a shark, which—oh, wait. It’s just a dorsal fin, which Scooby realizes when he lifts it out of the water to inspect it. Just a dorsal fin, skimming the ocean surface and following them around.

What.

The gang reunite in the caves, and Fred realize that the folded paper hat Shaggy has been wearing since casting Redbeard’s shadow was made from a ship’s manifest, indicating the contents and value of C.L. Magnus’s cargo freighter... that is, the one that sails tomorrow, rather than the one that they were attempting to raid that night. As the gang gather more clues that the ghost pirate is no ghost at all, they find a treasure chest with a talking pirate skull inside that pops out and demands “the password, you swabs!” via a miniaturized microphone and speaker hidden in its jaw.

The gang try several piratical passwords, but it’s Shaggy’s suggestion that works:

This is the weirdest callback to a previous episode. Beyond the secret passage that opens in the wall, the gang find countless crates and barrels of stolen cargo, and the ghost pirate crew, flying sword included. The resulting chase leads to the gang hiding among the cargo, where Scooby and Shaggy discover...

An entire shipment of Scooby Snacks, further solidifying that this is just a known product, something on the market that has Scooby’s own name on it. Emboldened by biscuits, the antics kick into high gear, with things like a battle of sword vs. liverwurst sausage, toilet plungers fired from longbows, and Shaggy tickling Redbeard with an electric eggbeater that has a pistol grip for no good reason, before fleeing on an “automatic pogo stick” that is clearly a jackhammer, as Shaggy and Scooby only realize after it already starts up, taking them on a ride that winds up going up onto the ceiling and directly over Redbeard. As the resulting chaos sends Scooby, Shaggy, and the villains crashing into a pile of tires, the chase ends, and the villain is revealed as...

Shaggy is shocked that it wasn’t the butler, and the Coast Guard rep who has joined the gang on the deck of the ghost pirate ship (which, one must assume, they commandeered and piloted back out to open waters on their own) clearly wants to see Magnus’s two companions unmasked, as well, asking about their identities.

Daphne doesn’t care who they are. Well, as long as their names aren’t Merle and Taako.

The plan is explained, including the dancing sword being “operated by wires”, and the bit about the dry ice, which Velma says “everybody knows”, though the Coast Guard guy has clearly never heard of it. Scooby demonstrates, stirring up an impenetrably thick fog, which he cuts through once again with his mysterious knife.

Only this time, he cuts a giant doughnut shape in the fog, grabs it with his paws, and takes a bite out of the fog-nut, proceeding to chew and swallow.

The visual of Scooby treating a cloud of carbon dioxide vapor like it was solid matter and joyfully eating it has haunted me for decades. Dear Joe Ruby and Ken Spears, you tormented my childhood with this bit. This joke stole my innocence.

Zoinks darn you, Scooby-Doo!

(like what i’m doing here? It’s not what pays the bills, so i’d really appreciate it if you could send me a bit at my paypal.me or via my ko-fi. Click here to see more entries in this series of posts, or here to go in chronological order)

#scooby doo #KRAOSD

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papermoonloveslucy · 7 years

Text

LUCY AND TENNESSEE ERNIE'S FUN FARM

S1;E23 ~ March 10, 1969

Directed by Jack Donohue ~ Written by Bob O'Brien

Synopsis

A farmer (Ernie Ford) wanders into the Unique Employment Agency in need of farmhands. Instead, Lucy proposes they turn his farm into a vacation spot for city folks. They start with a TV commercial to get the word out!

Regular Cast

Lucille Ball (Lucy Carter), Gale Gordon (Harrison Otis Carter), Lucie Arnaz (Kim Carter), Desi Arnaz Jr. (Craig Carter)

Guest Cast

Tennessee Ernie Ford (Ernie Epperson) was the first and only celebrity to make three guest star appearances (playing a variation on himself) on “I Love Lucy.” A popular country singer of the 1950s, "I Love Lucy” was his first credited ‘acting’ job, before his big hit with the song “Sixteen Tons” in 1955. Ford was first mentioned on season in “Lucy Writes a Play” (ILL S1;E17), when playwright Lucy mistakenly dubs herself the next Tennessee Ernie, instead of Tennessee Williams. He then appeared (also as a variation on himself) on “The Lucy Show.” This is his fifth and final appearance on a Lucille Ball sitcom. Ford was fond of alliterative character names. In addition to Ernie Epperson, he played Homer Higgins on “The Lucy Show,” Loser Lumpkin on "The Red Skelton Show,” and Kentucky Cal on the Desilu-produced "Make Room For Daddy.” He died in 1991.

Epperson owns the Broken Plow Farm in the ‘sue-burb’ of Calabasas.

The Back Porch Majority (Themselves) was a folk music group founded by Randy Sparks in 1963. It was intended to be a rehearsal space for The New Christy Minstrels, another group Sparks had established in 1961, but it ended up becoming successful on its own. The group released six albums and was chosen to provide entertainment at the White House in 1965. They previously backed up Ernie Ford on “The Lucy Show.”

The members of the group are Rusty Richards, Jet Sharon, Kathy Beaudine, Kittie McCue, and Kyra Carleton.

Larry Billman (Dancer, uncredited) was seen on Broadway in the short-lived musical revue Vintage '60 (1960). He has less than ten screen credits and made his career in charge of live entertainment for Disney theme parks. He died in May 2017.

The revue features a live cow, a donkey, and two horses. Other singers, dancers, and musicians appear uncredited.

Two days after this episode was first aired (March 12, 1969) Lucie Arnaz made the first of her three appearances on NBC’s “The Kraft Music Hall”, hosted by Wayne Newton and featuring Judy Carne and Tim Conway. Lucille Ball does not appear.

All the singing and instrumentals are prerecorded, although naturally Desi Jr. played his drum solos live. Lucille Ball has only one brief line of solo singing during “Heavenly Music” and it does not sound like her voice. It is very likely Carole Cook, who has been Lucy's ghost singer on two previous occasions. Gale Gordon is also dubbed in that song.

When Lucy asks the overalls-wearing Ernie if he is a farmer, Ernie replies “Well, I ain't that Omar Shareef on his way home from a square dance!” Actor Omar Sharif was nominated for a 1963 Oscar for Lawrence of Arabia and had won a Golden Globe in 1966 for Doctor Zhivago. There is a slight resemblance between Ford and Sharif because they both wore mustaches for most of their public lives.

Lucy and Ernie joke about Los Angeles' smog problem. The word smog is a portmanteau of the words smoke and fog. The problem was particularly acute in Los Angeles during the latter half of the 20th century. So much so that the word smog became synonymous with Los Angeles to many. Smog was the source of several jokes on “The Lucy Show” after Lucy Carmichael re-located to Southern California, one of them during Ernie Ford’s last appearance in “Lucy and Tennessee Ernie Ford” (TLS S5;E21).

Ernie says he drives a Model-T. The Ford Motor Company manufactured the Model-T between 1908 and 1927, and it is considered the first affordable car.

The commercial that Lucy and Harry do for Ernie's Fun Farm gives us a glimpse of them as a dysfunctional married couple, complete with two teenage kids!

As the bickering couple, Lucy calls her husband (Sheldon) Porky Pig and the Jolly Green Giant. He calls her the Bride of Frankenstein. Porky Pig was one of the characters in the Warner Brothers cartoons voiced by Mel Blanc. Blanc had appeared with Lucille Ball on radio, films, and TV. The Jolly Green Giant was the mascot of a frozen vegetable company of the same name frequently seen in television ads. “The Bride of Frankenstein” (1935) was a film sequel to 1931's “Frankenstein” based on the novel by Mary Shelley. Coincidentally, the Bride was played by Elsa Lanchester, who guest starred on “I Love Lucy,” and an upcoming episode of “Here's Lucy.”

Amidst the clutter of the living room is a bath towel stolen from the Commodore Hotel, a historic building in downtown Los Angeles that has recently been converted to apartments. The Commodore of Hollywood opened in 1927 and has been home to countless celebrities as they launched their careers.

One of the knickknacks on the coffee table is a glass bunch of grapes. If it looks familiar, it previously appeared in “Guess Who Owes Lucy $23.50?” (S1;E11) where there were two of them. After this appearance they became part of the living room set on “The Brady Bunch” which also filmed at Paramount. The recent reality show “A Very Brady Renovation” mentioned tracking them down.

Ernie pays the bickering couple a quick visit to bid them come to his Fun Farm, singing this a capella jingle:

“We're only 45 minutes from L.A. People all breathing fresh air. Even a hog smells better than smog When you're 45 minutes from there.”

The tune Ford uses is inspired by “45 Minutes from Broadway” by George M. Cohan, written in 1906 for a musical of the same name. The title refers to the length of time to travel by train from New Rochelle NY to Manhattan.

The commercial turns into a fully-staged musical revue. Although a lot of standards and show tunes are used, special lyrics to suit the plot were written by Bob O'Brien.

The orchestra plays “Oh, What a Beautiful Morning” from Oklahoma! written by Rodgers and Hammerstein in 1943. A film version was released in 1955. Lucy Ricardo once lied that she was in Oklahoma – then confessed she spent two weeks in Tulsa once. Rodgers and Hammerstein (aka Dick and Oscar) were names frequently dropped on “I Love Lucy.”

The Back Porch Majority sings “On a Wonderful Day Like Today” from the 1965 musical The Roar of the Greasepaint – The Smell of the Crowd by Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley, who also sang it in “Lucy in London” (1966, above).

Ernie sings “Zip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah” a song written by Allie Wrubel and Ray Gilbert for the 1946 Disney film Song of the South. It won an Oscar for Best Song.

Ernie and the Carter Family sing “Heavenly Music” from the 1950 film Summer Stock written by Saul Chaplin and originally performed by Gene Kelly and Phil Silvers wearing similar costumes.

Ernie and the Back Porch Majority sing “Y'all Come” written by Arlie Duff in 1953. It was sung by Ernie Ford in “Tennessee Ernie Hangs On” (ILL S3;E29). Coincidentally, in that episode he was also on television, doing a (fictional) show called “Millikan's Chicken-Mash Hour.” Both times there were specially written lyrics to suit the episode's plot.

Kim does a specialty dance backed up by the male ensemble – all wearing sombreros. The choreography was by Jack Baker, with assistance from Anita Mann.

Lucy and Harry do an unusual combination of a square dance and the Mexican hat dance.

Craig (also wearing a sombrero) does a drum solo using a variety of instruments.

In a spotlight, Ernie sings a quiet version of "Little Green Apples" backed up by the Back Porch Majority. The song was written by Bobby Russell for Roger Miller in 1968, becoming a Top 40 hit.

The episode ends with a reprise of “Y'all Come” and a hoe down, natur'lly.

Lucy Ricardo did a TV commercial to sell Aunt Martha's Old Fashioned Salad Dressing in “The Million Dollar Idea” (ILL S3;E13) where she also played a bumpkin character.

In the commercial, Lucy wears a blue chenille bathrobe that looks very similar to the one that Vivian Vance wore in 1952's “Breaking the Lease” (ILL S1;E18) and other episodes. It is possible that it could be the same robe from the Desilu wardrobe racks! It was also worn by Ann-Margret on a 1970 episode of “Here’s Lucy.”

At the start of the musical revue, Lucy Carter is milking a cow, something that both Lucy Ricardo and Lucy Carmichael also did! In real-life, Lucille Ball owned a cow she called Duchess of Devonshire when she lived with Desi at Chatsworth Ranch.

The last time viewers saw Ernie Ford on “I Love Lucy” he was calling a square dance.

This was also true of his “The Lucy Show” appearance. Here, the last time Lucy and Ford perform together, he does the same thing. He even repeats a few of the same calls in both episodes:

“Grab yer partner, pat her on the head. If she don't like biscuits, feed her corn bread!”

In November 1968, Lucille Ball appeared on “The Tennessee Ernie Ford Special” where she blacked out her teeth for comic effect.

Get the Door! During the TV commercial, when Harry (as Sheldon) slams the front door, the suction causes the closet door to swing wider open, momentarily distracting Gale Gordon who quickly turns to see what is moving behind him.

Fashion Magazine? In the commercial, ‘Craig’ browses through Fashions magazine, an unlikely choice for a teenage boy. Perhaps this iteration of Craig is destined to become a fashion designer?

Loose Lips! Although Harry's comical yodeling during “Heavenly Music” is obviously not Gale Gordon's voice, there are times he gets more involved with the wayward daisy in Lucy's hat than the lip synching.

“Lucy and Tennessee Ernie’s Fun Farm” rates 3 Paper Hearts out of 5

This episode is like a cross between “Hee Haw” and “The Grand Old Opry” but very short on plot. After a few lines of Ernie's homespun wisdom, there is a very funny TV commercial which imagines Lucy and Gale Gordon as a bickering married couple. The rest is a straight up musical revue.

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hellzyeahthewebwieldingavenger · 7 years

Link

Holy shit was this desperate as fuck (and could’ve picked more dignified images than the above.

Unless you are counting characters on an incredibly loose basis then no Spider-Man’s list of ex-girlfriends isn’t as long as his rogue’s gallery.

His major love interests amount to:

Betty Brant

Liz Allan

Gwen Stacy

Mary Jane Watson Parker

Cissy Ironwood

Deb Whitman

Felicia Hardy

Carlie Cooper

Liaen Tang

And that’s really pushing the definition of ‘major’.

Now let’s talk about his major villains.

Norman Osborn

Doc Ock

Venom

Carnage

Lizard

Rhino

Kingpin

Vulture

Shocker

Rhino

Electro

Kraven

Mysterio

Scorpion

Jackal

Hammerhead

Tombstone

See. See how that list is ‘almost as long’. Ugh.

Moving on Spider-Man doesn’t ‘make it to work at the Daily Bugle on time’. He was a freelancer, the point was his time was flexible.

And ‘many of Peter’s love interests are tremendously interesting character in their own right’?

You mean like...MJ and Felicia? So like 2 of them?

How the Hell did CBR get this ‘many’ bullshit from...oh....by being ridiculously loose with what counts as a love interest got it.

Lets crack on.

15) Carol Danvers.

FFS.

Like LESS THAN SIX ISSUES FROM 2008 and Carol qualifies as a love interest for Spider-Man?

And was she one of the characters who was ‘interesting unto herself’ and ‘found cross appeal in other series’. Assholes, Carol isn’t defined as Peter’s love interest.

Shit, their relationship didn’t even make sense. Peter Parker just got done removing his identity from the minds on everyone on Earth, but he is gonna share it with a woman who everyone knows is Ms Marvel and appear with her publically but apparently telling Aunt May, Matt Murdock, Felicia Hardy or Captain America is off the table?

14) Silver Sable.

Good god like ONE arc puts her on the list?

The article even specifies their relationship was purely professional until that story. I.e. that story was OOC for her

13) Jean DeWolff

Good job guys of not finding an image of Jean DeWolff at all for this image.

And holy fucking shit is that some truly god aweful research right there buddy.

“ In Venom Super Special #1 while Peter was off-world fighting aliens, Jean thought she had finally told Spidey the truth, but her words only fell on deaf ears as Spider-Man’s symbiote was masquerading as the real web-head.”

a) Jean in that story told Spider-Man she loved him as a BROTHER not a lover in that story

b) Yes in the issue Spider-Man is fighting aliens but here’s the thing. Jean DeWolff didn’t appear in that story. She appeared in the BACK UP story set YEARS earlier. CBR just asserted that Jean DeWolff was alive in the goddam 1990s.

Finally no Jean wasn’t resurrected, she was CLONED.

12) Deb Whitman

Yes...Peter tended to not go on dates before dating Deb Whitman???????????????

11) Liaen Taeng

Again does this really qualify. She has been in like less than 10 issues.

Also “Spider-Man is a forgive and forget kind of guy if it means beating the bad guys!”

I know my spelling and grammar isn’t perfect but then again I don’t get paid to write professional articles for a clickbait website do I. God

10) Kitty Pryde

Are you fucking serious right now!

Was there like a goddam quota demanding there be a minimum of 15 entries for this list!?

We’re so desperate to pad this shit out we’re including people that an entirely different Spider-Man dated?

9) Liz Allan

Liz was never the girl next door.

Like she literally didn’t live next door to Peter and more importantly she was the Vernoica of her the love triangle she and Betty and Peter were a part of so not metaphorically the girl next door either.

Also its Osborn not Osborne idiots.

8) Betty Brant

“Things are looking up for Betty, as she has recently become a reporter for the Daily Bugle and even uncovered the identity of the real (and original) Hobgoblin in Spider-Man: Hobgoblin Lives #3.”

And by recently we mean 1997

7) Carlie Cooper

Again great picture there. An image which shows more of Peter’s face than the character you are talking about, whilst she is in fancy dress as another character.

Carlie appeared in 2007, not 2008.

“Carlie is a tough as nails and intelligent paragon in Peter’s life ”

By paragon do we mean Mary Sue?

“ In Amazing Spider-Man #647, it was actually MJ who motivated Peter to pursue Carlie and he promptly smooched Carlie while she was dressed as Black Cat for a costume party.”

In ASM #647 it was MJ who was utterly OOC and motivated her ex whom she was still in love with to kiss another person.

“While Spidey and the Fantastic Four were off fighting the Sinister Six, Carlie almost angrily got a Green Goblin tattoo. She went with a Spidey one in the end, but that bit of ink didn’t save things. After “Spider Island,” she and Peter broke up. In Amazing Spider-Man #700, Carlie was the only one to know that Doc Ock had stolen Spider-Man’s body.”

While Spidey and the FF battled the Sinister Six Carlie did the equivalent of getting a Nazi tattoo.

In ASM #700 she acted like a jackass and endangered lots of people.

6) Michelle Gonzalez

A drunken one night stand with a mentally unstable abusive piece of shit not only counts as a love interest but somehow ranks higher than Deb Whitman the victim of domestic abuse.

Charming.

5) Anna Maria Marconi

Gotta pad this list out so let’s choose another woman who was never ever a love interest for Spider-Man but another character entirely.

“As their relationship grew, Otto even considered proposing to her. He also revealed that the Peter Anna loved was actually Otto Octavius, something that she took relatively well.”

Again the research on this list is laughable. Otto never revealed the truth to Anna, she learned after Peter came back.

4) Gwen Stacy

Christ...we’re not even using comic book artwork for this one?

Yes...Gwen Stacy is Spider-Man’s greatest failure. Not that guy who was his adoptive father of nothing.

3) Black Cat

“Doc Ock’s escapades as Spidey created a rift between the real Peter and Felicia, and the Black Cat has since returned to her criminal roots.”

Or to translate “Dan Slott’s shitty writing has driven Felicia into nuclear levels of being OOC”

2) Silk

Yes. Let’s place the most rapetastic relationship in Spider-Man’s life at the #2 spot shall we. Screw Black Cat I guess.

“In 2014’s Amazing Spider-Man #1, readers everywhere learned that the radioactive spider that gave Peter Parker his spectacular spider powers also bit the hand of another student named Cindy Moon. ”

Oh my fucking god the spider bit her leg not her hand you goddam hacks!

1) Mary Jane

At least they picked the #1 spot correctly.

“Peter’s best friend and greatest love first appeared after a build up in Amazing Spider-Man #25. ”

So close but not quite there, the build up to MJ began in ASm #14 not #25.

In summary: they got #1 correct and everything else was either desperate or piss poorly researched.

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myfriendstef · 7 years

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What to do when your ex moves on and doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.

-- I wrote this in the summer of 2014 when I was 21 years old (probably about to turn 22). It is easily, in my opinion, the funniest thing I’ve ever written. I’ve made some edits to make it flow better, be gender neutral, and also to respect my ex’s pronouns (I also am not even sure if my ex is dating anyone right now but this was written when they were). When you notice extreme or specific examples of things, I am v. obviously pulling from my personal experience. I also have never stolen a goldfish.--

Eventually, we all learn that our ex doesn’t want to be friends anymore. I won’t say that my time with my ex-lover was any more tumultuous than anyone else’s time with their ex-fave. Or that my ex is any more of a pain in my ass than anyone else’s ex. We’ve all had ex-somethings, but there’s always the hope that we can ‘be friends’ (can also be read has ‘have hate sex with when we’re drunk’) afterwards.

When I reflect on my past with my ex-babefriend, with which started way back when I was fifteen with little to no self-esteem, I realize that what I thought was the most epic love of all time was really just me being desperate for attention. Not in a bad way, but in a ‘Hey, is there a reason that you’ve moved across the country four times for other women on a whim but told me that it would ‘cost too much’ to leave Chicago to come with me to get a hypothetical abortion?’ kind of way.

What I’m trying to say is, is that there will be signs really early on telling you when you scoot a boot over to the next one. Trust me, my ex has done it plenty of times. In fact they’ve scooted their boot mere days after reuniting with me and confessing their love to me (even that one time after my cousin’s funeral!). Be it moving on without telling you, or not caring when your dad gets cancer, or when your parents get divorced, or hell, not even being there on your birthday: these are all big red flags that this person is so over it, and probably so over you.

So here’s what you have to do about it.

1. Let yourself be fucking mad.

Yo, this person is a DICK (to you, not to other people). You can be SO MAD at this person. You can tell your friends how MAD YOU ARE that this person sponged all your happiness up and then when you needed to be a sponge they decided to be the Sahara on steroids. You can be SO MAD AND ANNOYED that they are banging their new fave and telling their new babe how cute and perfect they are because you probably taught them how to be that nice in the first place. But remember: just because your ex is telling someone else how beautiful and great they are does not mean that you are no longer beautiful and great. And yeah you can be mad, but don’t be mad for too long. Like I said, this person was a dick but to a lot of other people in their life they’re not so dickish. The best way to ruin a dick is to keep it soft, so when you’re done being mad at it, just ignore it.

2. And when you’re done being mad, be nice to yourself.

It is super easy to hate yourself when your ex moves on. After you have your ‘wow I hope they get in a car accident’ phase (they actually did get in a car accident), or the ‘fall in a fire’ phase (they actually did fall in a fire); it’s likely to fall into the ‘But why did they leave me?’ phase. Pro tip: DO NOT ASK THEM WHY. For some reason, they either won’t tell you or if they are mad at you they will say something really mean out of anger and probably something that wasn’t true in the first place. 10/10 would not recommend. Instead of taking your sadness out on yourself, listen to ‘Hit ‘em Up Style (Oops!)’ by Blu Cantrell and ‘Obsessed’ by Mariah Carey and convince yourself that none of what happened was your fault and that you’re a bad bitch (i feel like ‘bad bitch’ is gender neutral) who can go on huge shopping sprees. Buy yourself things you like whether its lipsticks or LL Bean hiking gear, I don’t know your preferences and frankly I don’t really care (just like your ex!) Ultimately, be mad, but then understand that everyone has their faults, even you, but that doesn’t mean that you’re shitty. So do awesome things for yourself and with yourself so you can remember what’s great about YOU with or without your (actually shitty) ex.

3. Don’t over analyze, but analyze a little bit.

When you and your beau break up and they move on and you’re still miserable and single (or awesome and single at this rate), it’s easy to over think and move backwards a step. ‘If only I had..’ – if only you had what? Put out more? Talked less? Listened to their shitty music? Let them get away with treating you like garbage and not stood up for yourself? Didn’t eat the last slice of pizza? Worn a fez on your first date? Wished their turtle a happy birthday? If only you’d not been yourself? Fuck THAT. There’s no reason to think about ‘if only’ in relationships that ended because hellll0o0o0 nimrod, they ENDED. They’re over. They happened. The damage here is done so I guess I be leavin~*,’ kind of over. Here’s the thing, you can think about why it ended, but you can’t go back and fix it. The best thing to do is think back and realize where you might have gone wrong, recognize it, own it, and if it was shitty enough that they still remember it or you yourself still feel guilty about it: apologize for it. If you genuinely hurt your ex and they expressed that you hurt them and why, even if it’s ridiculous sounding, apologize for it (unless they tell your that your feelings are stupid and don’t make sense and that you’re making it all up in your head, don’t ever apologize for having feelings). If your ex is not a total shit bag (debatable), discuss your pain and express how they might have hurt you. If they can own up to that and apologize for it, then maybe they weren’t so shitty in the first place and it’ll be a quicker journey to closure. If they claim that they never did anything wrong even though there were times that they made you cry in public and then tried to get everyone in public to pay attention to it to embarrass you and cause a scene then they are trash and you really shouldn’t have dated them in the first place. What I’m trying to say is, think about the things that happened; but don’t dwell too hard on them. See where you might have gone wrong and try to better yourself from it instead of hating yourself for it. We all make mistakes; your ex did too. Ultimately, not everyone is innocent in cases like these so see where you could have been the guilty one. You never know when you’re the villain in another person’s story.

4. Don’t hate.

Now that you’ve aligned your self-pity chakras and stopped being sad about everything and taken responsibility for your actions, treated yourself to some expensive ass sunglasses or I don’t know, a delicious crepe, you gotta face the facts. Your ex-slampiece is lovin’ up hard on their new babefriend and the may or may not be rubbing it in your face. This will sting if only for a moment. Here’s a piece of steaming hot truth flavored pie: the new person they are seeing is not a fugly slut. It is not their fault that your ex is banging them or buying them croissants from your favorite café. It is not their fault that your ex is bringing them to all of ‘your’ spots. It’s your ex’s fault that they are not original in their dating endeavors and you can hold true to the fact that you will so not be boring as fuck the next time you’re dating a fine ass biddy. I have had many moments of false pride where I say to my friends: yep, still the cutest bitch in the ex’s little black book (of lies and excuses). But that’s not to say that the person they’re dating isn’t a wonderful person with a caring heart who might understand their blatant attempts at making me miserable in the past. In fact, they might not even be sad now that they’re with this person, and this person doesn’t even know who I am. Just like the new boo probably does not know who you are. Case and point: you might have better eyebrows, a cuter butt, more chiseled jaw-line, a bigger comic book collection, be smarter (nerd), or have sweet fucking pecks bro (I’m trying to cater to all audiences here, relax.) but that doesn’t mean that you’re better than the new person your ex is dating. Hating the new person because you’re upset that your ex left makes zero sense because the new person probably does not know you and has very little desire to hurt you; and if your ex is dating someone else in order to hurt you and have made those intentions clear then steal their goldfish (the snack or the pet, who really cares?). If they have neither, bulldoze their house and call it even.

When worse comes to worse its going to suck when your ex moves on. You’re going to text them randomly, you’re going to text them when you’re drunk, you’re going to text them three weeks later when you’re bored; they will probably not text back. It’s not because they never loved you. It’s not because their new beau is better at oral. It’s not because they have a hotter body. It’s not because your ex thinks you’re a crazy ignorant bitch who doesn’t know anything because you’re two years younger than them. It’s because they’re over you, you’re not special to them in that moment or at all anymore. A text from you might look like a text from any other friend that they’ll get back to or forget to get back to, or frankly just aren’t in the mood to talk to. It’s not because you suck. So stop thinking you suck, stop thinking it’s about you, stop hating yourself for a failed relationship when a really awesome relationship could be coming up for you. Or y’know, a really nice kitten, or a really nice set of weights to lift, or a parasailing lesson, or a fruit salad, or consensual anal at a strip club. Whatever makes you happy.

Your ex moved on, okay?

And guess what:

So will you.

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blumfumpstravels · 7 years

Text

Journal of Alfredo Sabelotodo, Part 1

Day 1:

Finally! A place to record my thoughts and discoveries! Today, the day I embark on my first journey as a man of science, I shall begin my story. Oft I read of the adventures of the greats, the legends of our time and of times long past, embarking in a similar manner. Today, on the cusp of greatness, with the backing of my clergy in the Vaticine and the support of the Invisible College, I venture to the University in Freiburg, far to the north in the wild lands of Eisen. My home of San Teodoro has served me well in body, mind, and spirit, but today I forge my own path. The College has requested that I, a junior member, deliver a large package to the university in Freiberg, where no doubt it has some supreme scientific and technological value that will be appreciated.

Day 4:

We are making good progress! We have just left Soldano, near the northernmost reaches of Castille, the carriage has been cleaned and the horses fed and well rested. I have picked up two travelers as well: a mercenary in need of work (for protection, though may the Prophet will that i shan’t have need of him), and a large, quiet man who was in want of transport to Freiberg. They are of an odd sort; the mercenary seems all too obsessed with his trade, though competent nonetheless, whereas the quiet giant has said very little, but appears to be stricken with some variety of vocal affliction, according to his altogether peculiar tone. The large package is undamaged, and fully sealed as per the college’s instructions, but it is beginning to worry me. It has begun to produce an unpleasant odor, and it sloshes in the most concerning way. When the carriage passes over an imperfection in the path, a sound indicating liquid and several items colliding with one another is produced. With two days to Freiberg as the crow flies, I am quite eager to understand the package’s contents.

Day 6:

Today we arrived in Freiberg. Upon arriving at the university, I delivered the package to the requisite professor, and proceeded to follow him to his lab. There I met Nicholas (code: Dr. Faustus), another member of the Invisible College and the person to give me payment for the proper delivery of the package. Inside the crate were several jars of various viscous fluids, and well-preserved organs of various animals. The letter included among the various jars indicated that the contents were a kit for a as of yet unveiled medical technology, the blood “transfusion”. Eager to comprehend the purpose(s) of the new device, I immediately volunteered to test it. The professor assembled the small mammal intestines, which appeared to be a means of transferring blood via pressure gradient forces. The sheep stomach contained what appeared to be blood. After briefly reading the included directions, the professor prepared the device by strapping me to a chair and inserting a needle into a vein of my arm, then began pumping the new blood into my system. I immediately felt strange. I was suddenly possessed by an uncharacteristic gusto and strength befitting a man of a significantly larger stature. Though my thoughts were at the time muddled, I immediately pondered endless purposes of the new device. Physical enhancement! What an advancement of science was I witnessing! Suddenly, in the midst of my elation, a group of people arrived. An almost comically assorted bunch; a few warriors, rogues, a giant man, and strangest of all: women. I have never really interacted with a woman. My mother died soon after I was born, I was raised by my father, older brothers, and clergy. The university in San Teodoro is all-male. I can’t explain it well, but I simply am unable to talk to or, in close encounters, even look at women. Perhaps I was raised improperly, but I was utterly terrified. There was a gentlewoman, a woman whose demeanor would best be described as boyish, and the leader: a short blonde woman in armor and a skirt that barely came to mid-thigh. What exactly we discussed was a blur, but the conversation seemed fairly friendly. The professor gave me something to drink. I passed out immediately. When I awoke, I was slung over the shoulder of the giant man and in a carriage. I guess I am headed to Posen now.

Day 9:

After 3 days of travelling in a cramped carriage, I, along with the ragtag crew (which included Nicholas, the other member of the College), arrived in the northern port town of Posen. There, with me in tow, the crew headed for the docks. The captain, who, I gather, is named Anne, gestured to her ship; I nearly experienced heart failure. It was an enormous Castillian flagship, cloaked in Dracheneisen armor and adorned with a dragon-esque masthead on the bow. Despite the modifications, I knew it immediately. Most Castillians would. Captain Anne was sailing the long-stolen flagship of the Castillian navy! Ten years prior, in an event that every Castillian old enough can recall, the flagship of the navy was stolen with the crown jewels on board. The jewels were returned some time later, but the ship was never found. Now I’d found it.

The group hurried me aboard, and before I knew it, the ship was preparing to set sail. I knew not the crew nor the destination, but I was carried along in the rush and was enveloped in a state of near-total confusion. I committed treason as soon as I stepped foot on the boat, I now realize. Perhaps my fate was already sealed by that point. Before embarking, however, the captain and another member of the crew tested out the fire-breathing figurehead several times. Why had they made these so-called “upgrades” to the once-beautiful royal flagship? As the ship left harbor, a rogue confronted me. They remarked on my fear of women, pointing out its irrationality and counter-productive nature. After being berated, I agreed to start learning how to interact with women. It was then that the rogue revealed herself to be a woman, much to my chagrin! What an odd crew. I headed for the ships rudimentary library, and began reading a treatise on the nature of Vodacce flora.

This was when events immediately turned for the terrible. We were barely out of sight of land when a large ship was spotted heading our direction from the sea. It immediately shimmered and reappeared right next to the ship, as if Porte magic could somehow transport an entire ship! As I heard it (I was still engrossed in the treatise at the time), the crew knew who it was immediately: Natalia. Natalia, according to the crew, is a powerful Vodacce fate witch, possessing an unbelievably strong syrneth scythe and many powerful spells and artifacts, and who has been a plague on the crew’s journey for some time now. Upon arriving within close range of our ship, Natalia started cutting through the nigh-indestructible Dracheneisen like a sword cuts through paper. It was at this point that I came up to the main deck. every person aboard the ship was scrambling in preparation for battle. The first mate, the woman who I had first described as boyish, had donned a strange cloak and jumped overboard. The captain, the Vodacce man who was steering, and a woman that described herself as an assassin (I’ll be doing my best to avoid her) had taken defensive positions on the main deck. The giant, the mercenary, the huge quiet man that had traveled with me, and the gentlewoman (now in combat-appropriate attire) had all flung themselves immediately onto Natalia’s ship, to fight Natalia or her monstrous crew. The berating rogue and Nicholas were nowhere to be found. Caught up in the panic, I decided to go below decks to repair the ship’s damage.While not particularly strong, my extensive knowledge of engineering allowed me to repair the ship to at least serviceable in little time.

Returning above decks, however, I found the fight was nearly beyond hope. Natalia, with her powerful scythe and fate witch magic, was easily winning against the giant, the gentlewoman, and the giant Avalonian lady knight, who, I later found out, was the large quiet person that I had traveled with. The captain had tied herself to the ship and thrown the rest of the rope overboard roughly where the first mate had disappeared into the water. The three fighting Natalia were at an increasing disadvantage, while the mercenary was handily taking care of Natalia’s brutes. Beginning to panic, i saw Nicholas appear out of thin air with a compass of some kind. He shouted to those on the main deck that those on Natalia’s ship needed to return before we missed our chance to escape. As a specialist in alchemical sciences, I knew what to do. I hurriedly threw a hastily-created explosive concoction onto the deck of Natalia’s ship. It didn’t damage the ship, but it provided a smokescreen and a distraction for those that boarded to return. Only the gentlewoman took the opportunity, however, as the giant man and knight continued to battle Natalia, and the mercenary continued defeating the brutes. The massive knight knocked Natalia overboard, but her ship immediately started to sink with the 3 that remained still aboard! The, captain having successfully returned the soaked first mate to the deck (somehow), threw a rope to the other ship, which the lady knight began to approach before she was tossed backwards by some otherworldly force. Natalia was using fate magic from the water! The large man and the knight struggled against the strings of fate, mostly in vain, but managed to stay aboard the ship. After a struggle, the lady knight was able to use the rope to climb aboard our ship. Captain Anne, at the other end of the rope, shouted for the large man, Lennon, to grab the rope quickly, but as he finally began traveling back to our ship, Natalia’s Syrneth scythe came out of the water and cleanly impaled him. His last words were of his sister, but, with no knowledge of context, they were lost on me. I threw a rope overboard for the mercenary, and as soon as he grabbed it, the ship began to shimmer. Suddenly, we were in a completely new place.

Nicholas shouted that the compass had worked, and scrambled to fill a jar with the water from the sea. We made it to the Seventh Sea! I heard someone say, but I was dumbfounded along with most of the crew. The sky was a shade of mauve, the water was a crystalline emerald color... It was what I imagined an entirely separate dimension would be. This sudden shift caused more shock than elation, however. We all carried the weight of the battle we had just endured, and we knew that it was not over. I was still confused, but I wanted to see where this ship would take me, what treasure troves of knowledge and secrets it would lead me to. Finally, an adventure through Théah! A (less than optimal) ship, a wholesome (as long as I don’t think about it or look too closely) crew, and a mission. This is where my legend, of the great and revolutionary scientist, Alfredo Sabelotodo, begins! It was at this point that the ship began to shimmer once more, and as soon as we had arrived, we were gone once more.

#7th sea #larp

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