#and guess what i finished it for fucking 2 days .....
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Not a Woman Pt.2 - price x reader
summary: part one here you begin to slowly progress in your transformation to start presenting in a way that feels more like yourself. your captain and teammates have your back throughout the entirety of it.
pairing: platonic!price x transmasc!reader x supportive!141
cw: none
word count: 1,720
A/N: in my feels big time atm. finally came out to my parents about being trans and i’m currently not allowed to enter my parents house and my mother is not talking to me. it sucks, but my friends and partner have been so supportive and loving through it all <3
so yeah, anyway. have this i guess.
"Ye sure about this, lad?" Soap asks, giving you look of concern, eyes meeting yours in the mirror reflection - electric shaver ready and waiting in his hand. You sit in front of the bathroom sink in the 141’s private en suite, one of your spare towels draped across your shoulders.
It had been almost a week since your breakdown in Price's office, the team embracing you with open arms and assuring you throughout your entire journey that you're still part of the family - welcoming their newest brother to the team.
“It’s a buzz cut, Soap. You can’t fuck up a buzz cut.” He chuckles quietly, eyes darting down to the shaver in his hand and finally turning it on. The peaceful silence is broken through with the abrasive buzzing that emits from behind you, stomach starting to flutter excitedly.
“Should be easier than a mo.” he responds with a shrug, before flashing a mischievous smile your way and diving straight in to your hair with the buzzing device.
Staring back at your reflection was a breath of fresh hair. Gone was the long wispy strands that framed your face so femininely, instead replaced with the blunt edges of your sharp and freshly buzzed hair.
Water drips down your body, the bathroom filled with warm steam as you wipe away the droplets falling from your body with a fresh, fluffy towel. You had finally finished washing all the small prickly hairs that had stuck to your neck and chest during your amateur styling session with Soap.
You run a hand over your head, the feeling so foreign, yet so comforting.
You finally felt like you.
You grin widely at your reflection, the texture of your buzzed head feeling like a strange combination of astro turf and carpet.
Not wanting to hog the bathroom for much longer, you quickly resume drying your wet body and dressing in to your clothes. Your teammates wait eagerly in the shared 141 quarters, sitting on their respective bunks and chattering amongst themselves.
When you emerge, all heads dart your way, Soap nodding at you in approval and Gaz giving you a wide smile and a thumbs up.
“Suits you” Ghost speaks up, arms crossed over his chest. Not much emotion is given away, his casual balaclava that he wears around base hiding anything that shows on his face, but there’s the sound of a small smile gracing his lips in the way he speaks.
“What if I fuck it up? Has anyone ever died from needles?” Gaz shakes his head at you, chuckling lowly in amusement.
“You watched how the doctor administrated your first shot. Just do the same.” He’s met with nothing but a blank stare from you.
“Do you need me to do it for you?” He asks, a fond smile over his lips, dark eyes trained on your overly worried face.
You nod meekly.
And so- like the good friend he is - Gaz helps to administer your testosterone shot, laughing at you quietly as you continue to make a scene while he tries to inject the needle.
“A right sook you are. I’ve seen you take bullets, yet you can’t handle a needle?” He teases
“There’ll be a needle in your left eye if you keep that attitude up”.
From that day on, Gaz meets you in the 141 quarters, the same time every week to help you with your T-shots, completely unbothered by the task he has now taken on.
He watches as you slowly transform over the weeks. Small, but subtle differences that makes your eyes sparkle and smile wider each time your shot is administered
He’s honoured that you feel safe enough to allow him in to such an intrusive practice, never letting anything hinder his time spent with you when he lends you a helping hand.
“You need to change your voicemail” Ghost grumbles, walking in to the rec room where you and other two sergeants are currently sat, a game of uno half finished and discarded atop the coffee table in front of the couch you, Soap and Gaz are huddled together on. The three of you had gotten too distracted by an animal documentary to continue playing.
You look down at your phone, realising that you did indeed have a missed call from the Lieutenant.
“Sorry I missed your call, got too invested in this” you respond absentmindedly, eyes returning back to the television. “Why do I need to change my voicemail?” you ask quizzically.
“Doesn’t sound like you”.
You hadn’t realised just how much your voice had changed over the months as you continued your hormone treatment. Listening back to your voice prior your weekly injections, you can’t help but beam with pride.
The four of you have a good laugh, looking back through videos of your old self, admiring the changes in your appearance and the deepening of your vocal chords.
Ghost watches in amusement from the side, simply content to watch as you continue to bloom and flourish right before his very eyes.
He’d never admit it, but he was hesitant upon his initial discovery, unsure of how to proceed with your preferred identity. Seeing you now though? He laughs.
It was ridiculous that it was ever a concern to him in the first place.
“Your leave has been approved.”
Price stares at you, a twinkle of encouragement in his eyes as he breaks the news to you, biting back a grin that threatens to spread across his lips.
Almost a full year has passed, a year full of change and rigorous saving.
The time has finally come.
You were finally going to rid the most vital part of your body that would complete your transformation - the main thing holding you back from finally presenting the way you want to - from feeling truly like yourself.
There’s only so much a binder can do, the compression doing little to improve your dysphoria when your breasts were flattened and instead replaced with an overwhelming tiredness during training. Your body was over exerted - unable to cope with the intensity of the military’s strenuous training. It left you breathless and gasping for breath after each session, forcing you to revert back to sports bras.
You exhale shakily, fighting back the tears that burn behind your eyes.
Price stands up and rounds his desk, placing a firm and comforting hand on your shoulder from where he stands behind you.
“Congratulations, soldier.”
Tears fall from your eyes. Unlike the ones almost exactly a year ago in this very room, they’re paired with a bright smile, joyous laughter echoing off the walls instead of harrowing sobs and slamming fists.
Price is engulfed by your wide embrace, arms wrapping tightly around him as you cry. It takes him off guard, causing him to stumble backwards, a large arm moving to your back as he stables the two of you against your weight when you launch yourself at him.
He’s there when you check yourself in to the hospital, giving him a goofy grin in your large hospital gown. You wave him goodbye like an overexcited child as the nurses wheel you away to the surgery room.
He knows this won’t be an easy recovery for you, but all he can feel is pride and excitement for you.
You’re a tough cookie. You’ll manage just fine.
He feels his heart thud against his chest, sending you one last grin as you finally disappear in to the surgery room.
He’s no stranger to the feeling that flutters in his stomach - he had gone through the same experience with Gaz. sighing, he turns on his heel and returns to the waiting room, allowing him the solitude to ponder how he’ll go forward with these emotions.
He feels like a father, sending his son off to attend his first day of school. There’s a blooming pride in his chest, but also a tinge of worry.
Will the surgery be okay? Will you continue to flourish even after your transition is complete? What if you decide this is something you no lo get want?
He shakes his head. You’re a grown adult- capable of making your own decisions. He has step back and allow you to make those steps.
The time you spend recovering is on base, surrounded by your teammates in the comfort of your chosen home.
They fuss over you like overbearing parents would, making you roll your eyes and groan, not wanting them to see just how touched you are by their concern.
Water, food, flowers and silly little trinkets are brought back to you occasionally, the money spent being worth it to see the smile on your face as your body heals and you push through the pain of recovery for the first three weeks.
The remaining three weeks is when you truly shine. It doesn’t go unnoticed by your comrades.
As your six week recovery period comes to an end, Price takes the entire team out in celebration of your transformation process being complete.
It’s nothing fancy, a small dingy bar close to base, but it’s all you could ever ask for. The familiarity of the premise, the dim lighting and worn down furniture, surrounded by your beloved teammates. it was perfect.
The five of you drank and cheered all night, sharing stories and recounting memories throughout the past year of your transition.
Ghost is the first to leave, deciding that he needed a good night’s rest before taking on the new recruits that would be arriving come morning. Not long after, you and Price decide that you’re ready to call it a night too - Gaz and Soap deciding to stay out longer to make the most of this rare night out.
It’s a chilly night, you and John walking side by side as you make your way back to base. The two of you could have easily ordered an Uber or hailed down a cab, but the walk seemed like a good chance to let the alcohol leave your system before returning to base. To spend some time alone together.
“I’m proud of you” Price speaks up, hands in the pockets of his jacket to keep them from getting too chilly, black beanie pulled down over his ears and cheeks tinted with a light pink hue from the cold.
You glance over at him from the corner of your eyes, biting back a smile.
“I’m proud of me too.”
#cod#cod mw2#cod mw3#cod modern warfare#modern warfare#call of duty#call of duty modern warfare#cod fanfic#task force 141#141 headcanons#cod 141#tf 141#141 x reader#141#tf141#price headcanons#john price#captain price#price#price cod#captain price headcanons#captain john price#price x reader#simon riley headcanons#simon ghost riley#simon riley x reader#simon riley x you#simon ghost x reader#Spotify#ghost call of duty
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✦🌹 Wild Rose 🌹✦
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PRINTS
#Jujutsu Kaisen#jjk#呪術廻戦#Nobara kugisaki#nobara#I STARTED DRAWING THIS 2021 BRUH#i got inspired by so many trigun artists on twt that motivated me to draw#and guess what i finished it for fucking 2 days .....#now im thinking if i'll draw the other characters?#gojo and geto i think suit this style#anyway im back on my art nouveau esque shenanigans#digital art#Illustration#Fanart#artists on tumblr#my art
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#love that my body decided to incapacitate me the weekend before i have to read 5 different papers for classes#and it would b one thing to just read them but no for 3 of them i have to give detailed interpretation and 1 i have to present on#ive already failed to read one bc i forgot we had to do 2 papers for monday. oops. not that i could have done it anyway. i barely got 1 done#and im on track to fucking up the one due Tomorrow as well#im just fucking tired of reading fucking chemistry driven papers that i dont understand no matter how many times i read them#and everyones like oh itll get easier but no it fucking wont bc i cant fucking read right#its so fucking frustrating. why do i even bother? im so tried#i don't even have the paper im supposed to present on so ill have to do it all tomorrow. cool. great. not that i could do it today anyway#im just. this is gonna b a difficult week#and i misused my whole day by doing extractions bc i scheduled my training a week ago when i thought i would b fine over the weekend#nope. its fucking bullshit. this is y im like. y do i even want to b in academia?#how could i b a prof if i cant read well? its fine to b dyslexic as a math person but im like i have to read so much and so little gets thru#but then what the fuck else am i supposed to do? idk. im just gonna write down something for all these questions and go tf to sleep#ill get up at some horrible time in the morning to finish this. damn the consequences. ill see my therapist tomorrow anyway#and meet with my advisor like 🤪 yo guess what i made zero progress this week#sorry u got stuck with me while im going thru a year of fucking health problems#but whatever cant get rid of me now im already here. here and tired and i wanna go to bed#unrelated
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#i have to say this somewhere or im gonna go crazy#so at a preschool. you HAVE to have one adult sitting at every table when kids are eating. and you also need a person in the hall#for kids getting their lunchboxes and going to the bathroom and shit ok. are you with me here. this makes sense#so today. my 2 coworkers had already taken the chairs bc i got caught up in the hall but i was so fucking hungry that i just ate standing u#which was fine. like i could just put my lunch down if someone needed my help and i Did that ok it was fine. no one was left alone#but later at SNACKTIME. it took me forever to get these 2 kids in the room and seated ready to eat & by the time i got in some kids were#already finished and ready to go to the playroom. so i was like ok i guess I'm not eating for the latter half of the day because they cant#be left alone. and my 2 coworkers at this point were sitting with the snackers and they looked fine so i looked after the Players#intermittently glancing to the snack tables to make sure everyone was fine mind you#So what happened here was.#There was a 20 second interval between the time i glanced up to see 2 adults at the snack table. And the time i glanced up to see#a completely unsupervised snack table. one kid STANDING UP ON THE TABLE blowing raspberries and pointing at the other kids#could not have been more than 20 or 30 seconds that i wasn't looking and NO ONE TOLD ME they were leaving the room#if i had been WARNED that they were leaving i would have prioritized the snackers and sat with them so no one choked and no one fucking#stood on the table#but they both just left for whatever reason without saying anything#and when i brought it up after school they were just like. well marty you were eating too much during lunch#next time you should eat before coming in to work so you can give the kids your full attention#??????? i already skipped a meal today for that exact reason?? how is it my fault that i don't want to starve?#am i actually in the wrong here because it's driving me FUCKING nuts. that was NOT a safe situation and it obviously can NOT happen again#but the issue was a lapse in communication not me wanting to eat food so i don't actually die#and those were two different times of day so they're not even relevant#obviously there are bigger issues in the world than this but i feel like throwing up over it. this was not my fault#I'm sorry that you guys can survive off of like 1 spoonful of granola and a single acai berry for the entire day but im not built like that
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#personal#i guess for those following this uh... Situation NDNDNDMMDMX#today was the last day LOL. he was gonna sit beside me during the exam#... but the teacher moved him NDNJDMDMDMDMDMDMDMMD#then.... he finished before me.... i was like oh fuck. but i was like oh what if hes waiting for me....#but i was also like GET IT TOGETHER GURL. UR AT AN EXAM#so i GOT IT TOGETHER (mostly)#and when i finished he was gone 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#HOWEVER.... me n one of my other friends had to work on a group project so we stayed back then went out n ate#she knows i like him. n at some point i was like man... if only he had waited. he could have come with us#n she was like...... !!!!!! he did wait !!!!!!!!!#and i was like WHAAAAAAAAAAAA#so it turns OUT..... that this other guy i was friends with (no longer bc 1. he was using me for my hw and 2. he was mean to the guy i like#DEMANDED to know why the guy i had a crush on didnt answer in the big group chat about dinner n he was like..... uh i have an exam the#day after ??? (and ok insider info here.... he told me he never wanted to see any of them ever again LMAO. so i wasnt surprised at all.#thought it was so fucjin funny bc man he really kept to his word by not answering JDJDJDJJDJDJDl)#but ya he left after that !!!!!!!! so !!!!!! wa !!!!!!!! im just 🥺🥺🥺 !!!!! like he WAS waiting for me but GOD that asshole im just......#>:[[[[[[[[#bc u know !!!! thats not the first time he's (for lack of a better word) cockblocked us !!!!!!!!#but it somewho ends up bringing us closer in a way. idk NDJXJXJJZJZJZJZJZ#im just.... ya i messaged him n we talked for a bit.... he still has an exam left so im gonna leave him alone til hes done#really hope he lets me know how it goes AH#but ya............ idk man idk. im gonna have to grow some huge balls n ask him to meet up. bc if i dont....... lol my only other chance is#graduation in february.............#n e way NDNNDNDNDNDNNDND
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moving to the UK has made me develop an irrational fear of ordering take out
#i simply refuse to order at this point like here you go :#i was craving taco bell after ages and i got back from work at 11:45 p.m and placed an order. like literally they were gonna close in#2 mins. and so i wait and i'm so hungry and i open and it's meat. when i'm a vegetarian and i couldn't even order anything else because#it was already midnight#THEN i ordered taco bell in the afternoon next day and same fucking thing happened#THEN one time i was at work it was a long shift and every one of my supervisors know i'm a vegetarian#so they made sure to tell the guy who was serving food to get me the veg lasagna#and i take my food and go to the backroom and it looks suspicious and luckily my friend was around and i#made him take a bite and he was like yep it's meat#and so because of all of this bullshit instead of ordering take out i went to mcdonald's down the road recently#because i was like absolutely not. and i order a veggie burger. and peep in and check to see it's a green box before heading home#and me and b are sat watching gogglebox and i finish my fries and open this green ass box and lo and fucking behold#it's a meat burger. INSIDE a fucking green box that says veg on it#but i was craving mcdonald's badly so i ordered it online. and guess fuckin what. meat again#i basically stopped ordering food and just physically go out to places to eat#and today it's cold and i'm tired so i ordered food from a mexican place and it took two hours for them to#deliver the food#and it was legit supposed to be veggies beans and rice. and guess fucking what. they put meat in it#i can't even get my money back anymore because i've complained too much but what the fuck honestly#YOU keep sending me meat 😭😭😭😭😭#i'll just make some quick pasta and call it a day 😔✊#food mention
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I finish the magnus archives
I say ‘now what?’
Jonny Sims rises from wherever he’s hibernating and says ‘time for Cryptic Bullshit’
#the magnus archives#I literally finished it like 2 days ago#and I was *joking* that I didn’t know what to do with myself now that I’m done#and I guess it was taken as a fucking challenge?????
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What’s the moment in Yakuza that made you go “I’m In.” As in the moment that made you obsessed.
there wasnt ever really one Singular moment that made me go 'ok im obsessed now', it just kinda gradually happened and now here we are almost a year later
#snap chats#it'll be a whole year on wednesday heugh heugh#i really couldnt tell you what it was tho. i guess after i beat y0?#because i remember beating y0 and thinking 'wow this was a great game i wanna see the rest' and wanting to play yk1#i was really depressed that week and i saw the rest of the series was Practically on sale so i was like 'fuck it why not'#that was a good day though. i was still pretty gloomy but it was nice just snacking on pizza i got and playing yk1#i felt like a proper kid for once. even though i was 20 ☠️ but i never got that exp growing up so w/e#god thats so weird though that was a year ago at this point... it doesnt even feel like its been a year#i started y0 years ago but stopped after lee died ☠️ i remember telling myself i really wanted to finish the game but it just didnt happen#well. now it has happened LMAO so glad i finally finished it#its always a coin flip whenever i get into series tbh#ill either love it and become wholly obsessed with it and make a blog for it#or i'll just love it quietly there really is no in between#i had a moment like that with Y7 tho. it was the second ichi started talkin bout dq </3#'snap i thought you said that was the moment you fell in love with ichi' ok and. it was both. loving ichi means loving y7#my initial reactions to y7 are soemthin ill always cherish like of course ive always been invested in the games and the plot#but y7 felt like the first time i was REALLY invested and i was eager to keep playing#not saying the other games /werent/ interesting ofc but like. with y7 it as just different#also because y7 was the first and only rgg game i showed my friend (we only got to chapter 2 before she just. stopped acting like i existed#plus before she went home we were driving to get sushi and i was just asking her how she felt bout the game so far#and yk she gave reasonable answers and even started theorizing (she was totally right about arakawa not actually trying to kill ichi)#but then we just sat in my car in silence for a sec before i was just like '..so what'd you think bout jo' because im Not Subtle#and she was really on my same bullshit wavelength immediately and we just spent the rest of the car ride talking about him LVKJAELKJ#i was so glad she ALSO 'Really Liked Him' frame one vVLKAV#its always funny whenever we find the same characters attractive like. it happened once in a blue moon cause our tastes are Just Different#but when we would agree it was the funniest shit we were such goons- I REMEMBER WE MADE A HOT-OR-NOT TIER LIST ONCE LVKJVKLA#we're so unserious about it because generally we just. Arent attracted to people that much so when it does happen Lmao#i miss it. i miss having a friend to play games with.. i miss having a friend to hang out with in general tbh i miss being silly （；´д｀)#IVE RAMBLED ON SO LONG SORRY IM RUNNING OUT OF TAGS but yeah. there's That answer
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😂🤦🏽♀️
#THIS is why I shouldn’t lay down in my car#I’m pretty sure I laid down around idk 11:30?? and then I passed the fuck out and finally got up around 1:30/2 😂#I woke up to a truck dropping off their load#(I sit in a grocery parking lot)#I looked over and realized I only took a hit from my bowl before I passed out#so I decided to finish my bowl and watch something#and then all of a sudden it’s already 4am?????????????#like what#I was getting ready to go and a few people drove into the parking lot to start their shift#and I was like#oh damn#I guess it is pretty late if I’m bumping into people starting their day shifts 😂#I mean tbh I can’t IMAGINE starting at 4am#that sounds dreadful#like what would that shift be 4-12?#ew#ew ew ew ew no thanks#anywayyyyyyy I’m finally home#at 420#(happy 420 everyone 🥰)#ugh I guess I should get ready for bed now#shut up rosie
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The autistic urge to make my hermit designs look EXTREMELY fucking funky but hesitant for claims of them not looking enough like what people normally draw
#when I say fucking funky I just mean super fuckin odd jfjfjf like none of them are human in any way. and not even like a monster hybrid way#but like they're straight up mostly not human#for clarification: I have 3 sets of hermit designs if you count the batch referenced here#batch 1 are the ones I normally like to use in my drawings. like the ones you might've seen on the sketch post#batch 2 are way more artificial-like. like based on toys and machinery#and then even deciding what headcanon-base I wanna go off with em depends on what designs I'll use#batch 1 is closely tied with the whole 'the hermits are gods' thing as their more human-like forms but they do have large monster ones#and batch 2 is tied with more. weird shit. like they're all robots or machines or something and there's a lot of creepy science stuff there#sometimes I throw em together for kicks#and I guess this would be batch 3 which is more like. just solid weirdness? just guys but odd#it's why I'm hesitant to post stuff about batches 2 and 3 because they're just funky stuff that goes out of the norm?#I both have equal amounts of fun with them though! like I have something that ties into server resets for batch 2#AND IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE THESE AREN'T AUS? like they're just versions with different visual design and world ideas???#but otherwise it's all the same???#maybe I'll talk about em some day but uuuuuh yeah people might not like em because they're too far out of the norm for non-au designs ig?#I DID NOT MEAN TO TALK THIS MUCH. I guess I just have many thoughts about em fjjfjf#maybe I'll just start making random posts about em for shits and giggles? I actually have no idea what I'm doing#I only JUST finished a layout for my batch 1 fullbody refs and now I'm thinking of more designs?? help#(guess the ref outlines can extend to batch 2 too because they mostly share the same heights and basic body structure?)#ANYWAY WELCOME TO KEGAN LAND WHERE NOTHING MAKES SENSE#my post
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tbfh after i submitted my thesis i fell asleep for like 16 straight hours, but not before thinking 'oh fuck yes i can read morgoth's ring again' and then never. doing that.
#defending it soon......... but i'm tired#i'm going to make mango sticky rice and sleep for 82943948394 more hours now. also i finished reading the new dan jones book today#welcome to my blog where i discuss menu plans and my book club that consists only of me#ALSO someone in my program literally just fucking left the us and isn't graduating now i guess. this happened in the last 2 days.#idk what's going on but#hm#life.txt
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Problem: my teachers are not fans of me doing my paper on an Extremely Queer subject, probably because its too personal (not queerphobia)
The anxiety: if i lean too heavily on the queerness and not enough on the philosophy, they'll like it even less than they do now, whichll mean i get a bad grade and also be a disappointment (its an issue bc i like them both as people)
Solution: literally write it so good they cant complain
#personal#eventually ill run out of fucks to give and do it like shit#but so far im being so fucking precise#explaining everything. hanging up on every sentence. its going really well so far#a third of the ladt chapter is basically perfect rn imo#i am really hoping itll go well#im already three days late#if i dont send it in by tonight theyll probably ask me whats going on#but! i think ill manage#they didnt tell us whats the date on which they need to send in our grades but i THINK i have a little time left#really fucking hope so tbh#just gotta:#finish the other 2 thirds of the final chapter#fix the final notes on the chapter on which the teachers gave me. notes#go over EVERYTHING#add footnotes. also maybe quotes if theres time left#finish the entry and conclusion#and thats basically it#well i guess I'll also have to.. send it to the teachers...... with an email.............#but once i overcome that challenge i am DONE with high school#literally
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#it would b great if i could control my focus#ive got 10 days to respond with edits for a paper. i have to finish a manuscript#ive got an interview thrusday with a school that i need to prep for. plus another interview next Thursday#but all i want to do is make a powerpoint clarifying what dyslexia is bc i dont think ppl understand#like i didnt understand until this last 2 weeks and i think i probably had higher awareness than#the public anyway. so now im like. they gotta kno. everyones gotta kno#but fuck i have so much to do. i guess maybe this is what ill do instead of reading fanfics at night lol#i just- after talking to my parents last night. my mum is a teacher who has training specifically in understanding how ppl read#and it sounded like how i was talking abt it gave her a lil bit of a new perspective and my dad was like lol me too#and im like yea bro i get it from u lmao#also my mum said i explain things well. and now im like well now i gotta explain things#fucking hell. i just love to give myself unnecessary work. maybe ill do it#i shouldnt. at least not this week. but like its under my skin now and i cant control my attention#so here we r. thinking obsessively abt dyslexia awareness#the results on the survey so far r really interesting. so many of yall have adhd lmao#unrelated
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Binge-reading Dungeon Meshi because it's the only thing standing between me and suicide ngl.
#it at least gave me the single molecule of mental energy required to force myself to eat at least one slice of bread#because it's like the physical energy is there sure but mentally I'm like 'noooooo I don't want to eat anything i hate food#all food tastes bad and i hate life and i want to eat nothing at all and furthermore i need to lose weight so i should starve myself'#I'm thinking that it might actually make me last until I either convince the crisis center that I'm for fucking real for real#or until my appointment with the school counselor. which idk when would be because i was supposed to go on the#2nd of April but i guess there might be holidays because he called me when i was atva lecture but i couldn't take it#because i had a lecture and he hasn't called since but I'm assuming#that hell call again and that he wants to let me know that the date is impossible#but I want to like wait and see what he says. and if he goes like 'oh actually im on a long vacay now goodbye forever'#or whatever I'll just go '...slay' and ride my ass to the hospital tomorrow.#show up at the crisis centre looking exactly like the patients with chronic pain who report pain 7 while looking unphased#like 'hello i am an active danger to myself I can't get out of bed most days; i need 16 hours of sleep to function for 4 hours#my meds have stopped working I haven't eaten anything but exactly 2 pancakes and a slice of bread in the past 4 days#and i exhibit a strong refusal to change this marked by thoughts present in people affected by eating disorders. no activity#feels fun anymore and they were marked by a strong sense of anxiety a few days ago but now i just feel nothing at all.#at this point I'm not even refusing to do any of my hobbies because im increasingly afraid of failure and its#consequences while being hunted for sport by anxiety from the opposite end telling me that i need to finish 50 masterpieces#immediately or nobody will ever like me again and they'll all see me for the talentless fraud i am. at this point i just don't care.#i don't do anything because i feel sluggish and my body is heavy and I'm so so tired and I'm tired of being awake and I can't think straight#also i think i might be going into a psychotic episode again.'#they're gonna tell me to get the fuck out of their faces anyway but it's worth a try.#like idk i feel like they might kinda listen because yesterday I guess they wouldn't have but today i have stopped caring about cars#and looking both ways. which is like. not a good sign probably. also yesterday i was still somewhat able to talk to people#even though i was in a very irritated and drained out state but today I'm feeling like if anyone even fucking attempts to talk to me#or if i hear any loud fucking sound at all I'm just gonna punch myself in the head until the pain drowns out all the sound
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unbelievable that i managed to solve the problem of "i don't feel like watching/reading/listening to anything" by trying and succeeding to write
#actually finished a story? fucking unheard of#didn't it was actually possible#it is also 2 am now so you gain some you lose some i guess#and i'm actually really happy with what i got!#what a day i got to socialize AND be creative my mental health better be thriving tomorrow#why am i like this
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probably time for this story i guess but when i was a kid there was a summer that my brother was really into making smoothies and milkshakes. part of this was that we didn't have AC and couldn't afford to run fans all day so it was kind of important to get good at making Cool Down Concoctions.
we also had a patch of mint, and he had two impressionable little sisters who had the attitude of "fuck it, might as well."
at one point, for fun, this 16 year old boy with a dream in his eye and scientific fervor in heart just wanted to see how far one could push the idea of "vanilla mint smoothie". how much vanilla extract and how much mint can go into a blender before it truly is inedible.
the answer is 3 cups of vanilla extract, 1/2 cup milk alternative, and about 50 sprigs (not leaves, whole spring) of mint. add ice and the courage of a child. idk, it was summer and we were bored.
the word i would use to describe the feeling of drinking it would maybe be "violent" or perhaps, like. "triangular." my nose felt pristine. inhaling following the first sip was like trying to sculpt a new face. i was ensconced in a mesh of horror. it was something beyond taste. for years after, i assumed those commercials that said "this is how it feels to chew five gum" were referencing the exact experience of this singular viscous smoothie.
what's worse is that we knew our mother would hate that we wasted so much vanilla extract. so we had to make it worth it. we had to actually finish the drink. it wasn't "wasting" it if we actually drank it, right? we huddled around outside in the blistering sun, gagging and passing around a single green potion, shivering with disgust. each sip was transcendent, but in a sort of non-euclidean way. i think this is where i lost my binary gender. it eroded certain parts of me in an acidic gut ecology collapse.
here's the thing about love and trust: the next day my brother made a different shake, and i drank it without complaint. it's been like 15 years. he's now a genuinely skilled cook. sometimes one of the three of us will fuck up in the kitchen or find something horrible or make a terrible smoothie mistake and then we pass it to each other, single potion bottle, and we say try it it's delicious. it always smells disgusting. and then, cerimonious, we drink it together. because that's what family does.
#this is true#writeblr#warm up#relatedly for some reason one of our Favorite Jokes#amongst the Siblings#is like - ''this is so good u will love it''#while we are reacting to something we OBVIOUSLY find viscerally disgusting#like we will be actively retching and be like ''nooooo it's so good''#to the point that i sometimes get nervous if someone outside my family is like oh u should try it its good#(obvi we never force each other to eat anything. we are all just curious birds and#like. we're GONNA try the new thing.)#edit to answer why we had so much vanilla:#my mom is a very good cook and we LOVE to bake. so she just had a lot of staples in the house.#it's one of those things that's like. have u ever continuously thought ''ah i should get butter im probably out''#even tho u are not out of butter. so u end up with like 5 years of butter.#my mom would do that in a costco but like with vanilla extract#to be fair we WERE always using WAY TOO MUCH bc we were kids#so like she was right to stock up#ps. yes we were VERY sick after this lol i just didn't want to include it in the post in case ppl had an ick about that#u can tell it's real bc we knew "oh no we fucked up that's too much vanilla to waste'' but our reaction was to just. keep drinking it#> sibling understanding that vanilla extract isn't free > knowledge mother doesnt mind if we use it for milkshakes#> sibling choice to maybe get in a loophole of ''not wasting it'' if we drink it bc that's the same as using it (not throwing it out)#listen bud i was like 13 and my sister was like 9#when my mom discovered this we. got in. A LOT. of trouble. a lot of it. a LOT of it.#3rd edit bc i guess it isn't clear - i am 1 of my brother's 2 little sisters#i am the middle child#out of all the ways i have had to explain a post before being like ''did u forget a middle child can happen'' is my favorite
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