wow, this should go without saying, but don't stalk people's accounts and send them nasty anons???? If you're this pressed by someone and their posts, then why are you still following them and being this nasty in their inbox?????

get a life. it's a fucking pandemic and you sending threats to random people on the internet is not the "brave" and "cool" thing you seem to think it is. grow up and move on.

I love your posts and your account is the best with regards to gsr content! So glad that I'm able to find your account!

I read in one of your answers that you feel that grissom might be contemplaing on saying yes to taking chance with sara in 5x12 snakes. I was trying to watch it in slowmo but seems to me like he is still on the fence and might be leaning towards rejecting her again until sara stopped him?

Ps watching gsr scenes in slowmo are the best!

hi, anon!

thank you for your kind words! i'm so glad you enjoy my account.

i know what you mean about watching in slow-mo! in order to gif, you have to go through the scenes frame by frame, so you get a really good look at all of the little microexpressions and body language cues. it’s great!

with regards to the scene in episode 05x12 "snakes," i mean, of course mine is not the only possible interpretation, so if you see things differently, that's totally cool. you can have your own take, for sure.

i just personally think that

a) by mid-s5, grissom has long since come to the conclusion that he does indeed want to be with sara (a conclusion he reaches as far back as the events of episode 04x12 "butterflied" but which really solidifies for him during the events of episode 04x23 "bloodlines," when he realizes that he cares more about making sara happy than he does about placating his own fears), despite having rejected her back in s3. that so, hearing that she's still in love with him, which is essentially what she tells him here, gives him reason to be hopeful and to go "wait. you mean i haven't ruined my chances with her forever after all?" rather than to reprise his old fears and hang-ups. he already rejected her once, and he's not about to make that same mistake again, particularly when he knows that if he does so, that’s it for him, and he will get no more chances with her. though he may be apprehensive of actually asking her—because it's always scary to make a put yourself out there and lay your heart on the line—he's not doubtful of his actual desire to be with her in itself;

b) the way the scene itself is set up lends itself to the idea that he is about to say something similarly revelatory to what she has just told him re: why she moved to vegas and him being a little more than a boss to her (or at least ask her out for coffee or something). "let's, um—," he says, which implies that he is going to make some kind of suggestion to action. while it's possible that that action could be "—change the subject" and/or "—never talk about this issue again," again, based on the sea change he has experienced in his outlook on his and sara's relationship ever since the events of episodes 04x12 "butterflied" and especially 04x23 "bloodlines," i find it far more likely that he's going to lean into rather than away from sara's openness about feelings in this case. he's gearing up to take a next step—it's just that sara, in her nervousness, doesn't give him enough time to gather his courage and make the invitation (i.e., "—talk about this later. you want to meet up after work?," "—go out to dinner. see what happens," "—just say that i am really glad you did move to vegas," etc.);

c) he seems wistful after sara cuts off their conversation and flees the scene in embarrassment, which leads me to believe he wanted a different outcome for their talk than the one he got. had he been on the fence in his feelings and leaning toward shooting her down, he likely would have been okay with their discussion ending at the place of sara being like "forget i said anything. let's stick to the status quo." but that look he has on his face after she leaves his office, the way he seems to be chewing their exchange over, realizing he just missed another opportunity—to me, his body language there is indicative of a kind of "damn! i didn't get say what i needed to say fast enough" reaction on his part;

d) it is highly significant that this episode is the one directly prior to episode 05x13 "nesting dolls," which, even if it is not the exact point when grissom and sara finally become a couple, is the major tipping point in their relationship otherwise, with all things gsr being divided up into a kind of "before and after" dichotomy from when grissom goes to sara's apartment. though inside the universe of the show, a little less than a month passes between the events of episodes 05x12 "snakes" and 05x13 "nesting dolls," to my mind, those two watershed moments are still so closely placed together that a grissom who in the former episode were still on the fence about his feelings probably wouldn't be a grissom who in the latter episode were ready to take the kind of bold "i am going to show you how much i care about you and put myself on the line for you" action that he does during her suspension. to me, what seems to happen is that in episode 05x12 "snakes," he's ready to take some kind of action to change his and sara's relationship, but he isn't able to gather himself quickly enough to seize the window of opportunity presented to him. he then vows to himself that if there is a "next time," he's not going to lose his chance, which is why in episode 05x13 "nesting dolls," he wastes no time in showing up to see sara and make his feelings clear to her once he knows that she is in trouble.

so with all these reasons in mind, when i watch the scene in episode 05x12 "snakes," i see it play out as i describe here, with a lot of subtle cues happening, to be sure, but also with an underlying sense that both grissom and sara just so, so close to throwing caution to the wind and finally really admitting what it is they both want, which is just to be together, fuck their fears and fuck the rules.

grissom doesn't "get there" quickly enough not because he doesn't actually want to but because he is processing, trying to navigate through something he has never allowed himself to do with her before. he's mindful of their boundaries and power dynamics and still (as always) is doubtful of himself. however, the thing that makes this occasion different than the one when sara asked him out at the end of s3 is that in this case, he knows that he very much does want to be with her, and he is ultimately willing to take that chance.

had sara not preempted him, i firmly believe, as i talk about here, that he would have, in fact, managed to say something significant in this scene.

maybe it wouldn't have been as big or completely game-changing as "i love you. i've always loved you. and now i want us to be together. please say yes?" but it would have been something to turn the volume up between them somehow—an invitation for them to spend time together after work or some kind of indication of his feelings for her, commensurate to the one she had made regarding her feelings for him.

he just doesn't manage to find the words before she gets spooked and runs off, you know?

anyway.

like i said, if you don't share my take, that's totally okay.

i just personally don't read grissom as being close to rejecting her here again at all. the way i see things, that notion doesn’t really fit within the trajectory of mid-s5.

to me, by this point in time, grissom has already turned that corner. he already knows he wants to be with sara. he just needs to gather his courage enough to actually make his intentions with her known to her (which is what he does one month later, during the events of episode 05x13 "nesting dolls").

thanks for the question! please feel welcome to send another any time.

I for duck's sake need help people.....see, I would be very pleased if anyone of you would just help me out....the thing is, I have been in a relationship for like around 3 years and trust me, he is like the most perfect kinda person I have ever met..but now comes the main issue, he has till now, never ever hinted me about doing anything ( the max. we have went is uk till just a little makeout types, ik spoiling my sex life like this sucks but that's why I am going anonymous and I think some of you might have experienced it ig, don't take me wrong, I mean like uk). The good thing is, we both are understanding and extremely working persons (he works as a employee in a business firm and I am a newbie doctor (kinda just started my practice as a doctor)....and even though I am a doctor and that having sex is like a normal thing because we literally studies everything, I still freak out upon thinking about doing it with him....it's not like I am scared or anything but I just want some uk girl tips upon how to actually do it....reading about it is quite, tbh, okay for me, but then doing it is like, a difficult task....i bet you he knows about everything and that's why he hasn't hinted upon anything but like from the past 1 week, he jas been dropping kinda hints ig.....like I won't go into the details, otherwise I would be hella embarrassed, not that I am not right now, I am literally sitting in the washroom typing this ( don't judge me)....while reading about it, it feels so easy to execute everything but then when doing it in real life is like so much like wierd ig....I mean how do I respond to it.....I am nervous and what not.....as 25yo, I sometimes feel wierd that I can't uk do it......can anyone of you just help me please......like some girl tips.....I searched it on Google too, still I don't have the courage.....amd moreover, my friends circle is so wierd amd plus, I am too shy to ask anyone.....ik asking this in such a way and place is way too inappropriate to be even considered normal....it's not like I am not ready for it, it's just I am quite nervous about how to do it.....tbh, he hasn't forced me even once still remained to be sweet and all but internally we noth know, we might wanna step up.....HELP PLZ.....my mom is way too conservative to even have an open conversation about kisses let alone doing it....

Oh hun, you are completely and tOTALLY allowed to come to this blog for any advice and not feel ashamed. This is an 18+ blog and anyone here would be so glad to help you, something like this is totally normal!! I shall leave my words under the cut, though if anyone else would like to help this lovely anon please do not hesitate to drop off a reply or even something in my inbox! I'll answer right away to help anyone wondering the same thing 💓

Alright hun, first and foremost I am so happy your relationship has been so strong! And I'm glad you're with someone who hasn't pushed you or anything into doing anything sexual yet, I'll tell you from experience that can be extremely daunting and uncomfy so I'm super relieved your man has been sweet!!

In terms of real advice, tbh I'm quite the wrong person to go to. I lost my v-card with my first boyfriend when I was 16, literally we were both inexperienced and even the times we did you know, do the deed it was very clumsy and nobody knew what they were doing, and the second person I've been with was a Kiseok situation (if you read maybe I do, yes Kiseok is based on a real person in my life) so fuck that dude. But maybe my own inexperience can also help you out, here are at least some lady tips I can think of:

1. Make sure you're comfortable. I say comfortable instead of ready because I'm quite the believer in if you wait until the moment you're ready, you'll wait your entire life. So my best advice is to make sure you're comfy with the situation and your partner!!

2. Ensure your partner is someone who cares about you. I know everyone's stories are different, and not everyone has sex with someone they've been with for a long time or even love, one night stands are totally okay and I salute you sister. get that dick!!! But even in situations where you're with a stranger, sex is a very intimate thing, and it would make your experience 1000x better if you can at least tell the person cares about you and your body and your wishes during sex. Everyone deserves to be respected during an intimate act like sex and if you feel you're not being respected, whether it's your body, your wishes, your limits, your choices, do not feel obligated to still go through with this person.

3. You have to be wet. Of course not all sexual encounters happen the same way, and every female gets off on different things or turned on by a variety of actions, but essentially you have to be wet for sex. Most men understand this but a lot also don't, basically you gotta get into that juicy foreplay to get wet my girl. Try making out, maybe if you're sitting down swing a leg over his lap and bam you're straddling him. This position is usually optimal because you gain the opportunity to grind against yo man's crotch and my fucking God, does that shit feel hella nice. It's also highkey ego-boosting feeling how much the guy's getting worked up because literally anytime you grind or move over their crotch it immediately spikes to their dick and you can usually feel them against you. If you're standing, try moving to an area that has a wall and keep grabbing at your man's neck, usually men naturally will indicate you to jump and you'll easily be all up against the wall making out, this gets hella fun too cause being carried like that is so 😩

3.2. Okay cool, we're making out, now it's essentially a game of go with the flow. Men usually take the initiative and begin the escalation of things on their own. Maybe he'll start kissing down your neck, his hands are gonna be somewhere at your waist, maybe inching down to your ass or maybe he's an ass guy and he's already palming at yo cheeks. Regardless, I can confidently say you can sit back and relax, let yourself feel, get into the kissing and grinding and if you love the way he's touching you, make some noise and let him know, don't be afraid to be turned on and goddamn horny, dudes love that shit. You however are also allowed to take the wheel, and guys usually search for the greenlight from girls by sensing their movements and how eager they seem for the go-ahead on anything. If maybe you begin tugging at his clothes, they'll usually think "okay, she's okay with this rn" and so on. This part's sincerely just go with the flow, you don't need to rush and honestly the more foreplay the better for getting your puthy wet. Make sure you're comfy and your partner makes sure you're okay with that they're doing to you.

3.3. Whoop dee doo your man's hands are suddenly going, you know, places. Another case of go with the flow, if you're comfortable with your man wanting to do a lil rubby dubby on your kitty then totally let him, this shit feel's god-like I tell you. Maybe I'm just a sensitive ass whore, who knows but something about feeling a man's hands do what your lady fingers can't just HHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. But essentially from here maybe you wanna reciprocate. Get them pesky pants open and feel your man up. Reach inside those boxers and touch that beast he's hiding inside. Make sure to go nice and slow and your hands aren't rough, men's dick are super sensitive and if you go too hard on at least a dry dick it acc hurts them. Men usually leak pre-cum at their tips so try using some of that to slick up your hand.

3.4. That's handjobbing, now if we're getting into oral, very important things to remember. A) retract your teeth, it's hard and it hurts to do it for a long time but teeth will hurt dudes a lot so suck them in and away from their cocks. B) Hollow your cheeks, men like the tightness of a mouth and that's what really gets them going. C) BREATHE THROUGH YOUR NOSE PLEASE DO NOT JUST STOP BREATHING AND TAKE YOUR TIME OKAY BLOWJOBS ARE ACC VERY FUCKING HARD AND FUCK YOU UP especially for someone like me who has a small mouth, yeah that shit sUCKS but nothing is more beautiful than seeing a man fold under your touch. D) Tease yo man a bit, kitten licks and kisses, dragging your tongue over his slit, maybe a pump and then take him out, slick him up with some saliva maybe, anything you feel like doing go ahead girl, that dick is yours for the time being and I promise he'll love it. E) Deep-throating is really when gets guys going cause they only acc feel shit at their tips, so please deep-throat with caution, and take your time if he's a big one, you can acc really hurt yourself especially if you're constantly deep-throating a really big one. F) Go to town girl, get up and bobbing, go down on him like he can't survive without you, go at your own pace and own it. G) Balls usually go neglected and I promise if you even fondle them or grab at them your man will combust.

3.5. Okay so with actual sex, FIRST OF ALL BE SAFE!!!! USE A FUCKING CONDOM, IF YOU DON'T HAVE ONE THEN DON'T FUCK BUT IF YOU'RE STILL HORNY THEN PLEASE RECIEVE SOME MONEY FROM YO MAN FOR PLAN B!!! IT'S NOT ENTIRELY FOOLPROOF THOUGH PLEASE REMEMBER THAT RISK. You can totally go on birth control too but this has its complications, there are also monthly shots you can take and other contraceptives.

3.6. Okay it's sexy times, this is just gonna have to be a thing for you. Everyone's different and has different comfort levels, maybe you can take someone that’s bigger while some women can't and that's fine. Just make sure when he does go in, you feel okay with it. It will hurt if you’re dry and not wet, like hurt a lOT but if you do feel loads of pain just let your partner know to go slower, and let yourself get used to the feeling of something inside. You can always say stop if it hurts too much, seriously it's normal and that's what I did with my first boyfriend. Hell I fucking kicked my ex off me LMAO and he was so sorry and we just ended everything there, and had actual sex the next time I visited him. From here on I've really got no lady tips, essentially it's up to you what you like and what you'll do, get it on!!!

General Tips:

4. Be you, and be confident. I know sex can be really daunting especially when you consider men usually tend to be more experienced, and maybe you become afraid you won't measure up or be as good as his previous partners or you’re not good at sex, but baby girl it ain't about that. This dude is going to have sex with you because he wants to have sex with you, and whether that's his dick speaking for him or his heart, it means he will not be thinking about some other  chick he got it on with a year ago, he will be thinking of you and your pretty mouth and what you're doing, focused on touching your body and thinking he loves the way it feels. The more confident you are, the better. You're sexy and pretty and you are desirable babes, let those noises he makes when you touch him drive your confidence, the way he groans a little when you do something, the way he's tugging your body close to yours cause he wants to feel you, it all means he wants you and that's hot, let it boost your lady ego my love. You're allowed to be shy, I totally understand that, and if your partner really cares about you then they'll easily take your hand and guide you through it. Let them know you're a little nervous, and they'll really try to make things more comfy and easier for you because sex is about both parties, not just one.

5. Orgasming is hard, but it's still achievable. Especially in an open, established relationship, really let your man know what turns you on. Let him feel at your cooch while he's penetrating you and I promise that can usually get you orgasming. Other than that, another huge case of doing what you need to do to get yourself off, and always let your partner know. If you’re really searching for an orgasm in a newer relationship or if you’re too shy to say something, then literally just take your man’s hand and place him over your clit and start rubbing with him, he’ll get the hint and start doing it himself. 

6. Communication is key. This is obvious, but even if it's dirty talk, usually it's still a way to communicate and see if you're okay. You can ask to go slower, faster, softer, harder, stop altogether or entirely wreck your goddamn shit. Your partner should listen and if they don't, get the fuck out of there and leave that man, he don't fucking deserve you at all, especially in situations where you ask to stop or to slow down cause maybe something hurts, if he doesn't listen here then no, he don't deserve shit and LEAVE. Don't be afraid to make noise either or say something, dudes usually love hearing you. If you don’t like something please let your partner know, I’m sure they’re wondering if you do and would love to hear you communicating. 

7. Be clean after you're done woo-hoo-ing. Make sure you're tidy and stuff before putting clothes back on, sex can get messy especially if it's your first time you can bleed. Usually if the dude is a sweetheart enough they'll clean you, which is obviously aftercare uwu.

8. Pee after sex, UTI's are not fun. 

9. Your body may also feel weird or go through changes after you have sex for the first time, but that’s normal. Just you body’s response to feeling something foreign inside you. 

10. Ladies, remembering during sex that you have power, IT’S YOUR BODY!!!! Whether it’s because you’re totally domming or because your man is super duper sweet and will not do anything unless you want it, sex is meant to be fun and for both parties’ enjoyment. It’s not a chore nor is it something you HAVE to do to keep your man around or something, let yourself have fun girl, you deserve it. The flow of sex and any activities as such are usually dictated by you and what you want, so remember you don’t have to go through with something if you don’t want to. It shouldn’t matter if a dude really badly wants to get his dick wet, this is your body and you are to decide what happens to it. If a man makes you believe otherwise, FUCK THAT DUDE!!!! HE DON’T DESERVE YOU!!! YOU DESERVE LOVE AND RESPECT AND TO BE CARED FOR AS A HUMAN BEING!!

The Choice of Steins;Gate: It Has No Meaning, but It Is Meaningful

Hello anon!

Sorry for the wait!

First of all, I am sorry because when you asked the first time I had still to watch the series, but right now it has been a while since I watched it and it is not so fresh in my memory. In short, I loved it, but I am sure I will miss many details in this analysis and I am sorry because you even went out of your way to ask twice. Anyway, thank you for your very nice words! <3<3<3<3 I’ll do my best.

The prologue puts emphasis on two things.

a) First of all, the dychotomy “finite”/”infinite” is highlighted.

b) Secondly, the ideas of “beginning” and ”end” come up.

What is more, point a) and b) appear linked. As a matter of fact the universe is said to be infinite because it has no end, whereas the stars are said to be finite because they meet an end of their own making.

What is the meaning of this prologue?

At first glance, the answer seems clear. Time is infinite because it has a beginning, but no end, like the universe. Human individual lives are instead finite because they have an end, exactly like the stars.

About this, let’s highlight that within the series the stars are linked to the idea of humans and of death:

Mayuri’s Stardusk Handshake is a gesture she does to communicate with her dead grandmother and when they were little Okarin was scared she might disappear as well when he sees her do it. His fear was of her leaving and joining the stars.

In short, it seems as if the first lines of the series are comparing and contrasting the finitude of humans with the infinity and the possibilities of time. This fits with the concept explored by the series as a whole aka the possibility of manipulating time and the chances opened by it.

Is it possible to control time, so that every wish can be granted? Or even in that case there are limits? And if so, which limits? Is it necessary to accept that life is finite or could it be infinite? In which way?

These are the main questions explored by the story and the answers are not as straight-forward as they might initially seem.

At the same time, these answers are articulated also thanks to two secondary themes, which are present in the story.

1) How time influences relationships.

2) The dychotomy between chaos and order.

This analysis will try to explore all these topics the story touches.

D-MAILS TO REACH A BETTER PRESENT: MAYURI AND THE PAST

When the characters realize they can send information to their past selves, they immediately try to change the past to have a better present. In other words, their thoughts are about how they can use the new technology to fix past mistakes and tragedies.

This is made clear when it comes to Suzuha, Faris and Rukako’s stories. All three girls have their past changed, so that they can have happy experiences in the present. In particular, Rukako makes so that she can be born female, Faris saves her father and Suzuha is able to meet hers and to spend times with friends.

In short, it seems as if d-mails can be used to fix everything and to make people happy. However, that is not the case and soon it is made clear that the d-mails created a series of unseen consequences. For example, Suzuha ends up losing her memories and kills herself after she fails her mission in the past. Similarly, Rukako and Faris’s wishes make indirectly so that the IBM is lost and this makes avoiding a bad future for humanity and saving Mayuri’s life impossible.

It may not be by chance that Mayuri’s death comes as a consequence of all the other characters trying to fix their past. After all, even Okabe’s first d-mail, even if sent by chance, conveniently makes it unnecessary for him to deal with the shock of seeing another person (Kuriso) die. In short, the d-mails are used to avoid past painful experiences, but in the end they only lead to Mayuri’s death. What is interesting is that Mayuri herself is a character symbolic of the past when it comes to Okabe’s story:

After all, Mayuri is Okabe’s childhood friend and is herself very childish. She is also incredibly sweet and altruistic and it is easy to see her as a representation of everything good about childhood, like innocence and imagination. Because of this, it is ironic that everyone trying to change something about their past leads to the demise of Mayuri aka a symbol of what is good about the past. This is true not only for Okabe, but also for Rukako and Faris who are both very close to Mayuri and who risk to lose their friend in exchange of their dreams.

At the same time, Mayuri is also the reason why Okabe has adopted his chuunibyou persona:

Okabe’s chuunibyou’s demeanor was born both to help Mayuri out of her depressive phase and to protect himself from the fear of losing her. In short, it is a coping mechanism both for him and for her. By the time of the series, though, Okabe’s behaviour has become as much a limit as it is a resource. As a matter of fact Okabe, at the beginning of the story, is presented as a person who is genuinely generous, but also as a man-child who spends his time fooling around. In the end, it is also because of his recklessness and hybris (both traits of his chuunibyou’s persona) that the whole situation starts degenerating.

In other words, a part of Okabe’s story is about growing up, but interestingly this growth does not overlap with him leaving his mannerisms behind. It consists instead in him taking responsibilities for them and somehow channelling them in a positive direction. In particular, as the series progresses, the nonsensical words uttered by Okabe gain more and more meaning to the point that they perfectly describe what the story is about.

A specific example is this:

Since the beginning Okabe jokes that he is a mad scientist who wants to change the structure of the world thanks to his inventions. It is easy to see how this joke ends up foreshadowing what will really happen. What is more, Okabe’s words can be used to explore one of the secondary themes mentioned above aka the dychotomy between order and chaos.

ORDER AND CHAOS: TWO EXTREMES

In Okabe’s original scenario, he is a scientist who wants to win against an organization. This organization wants to control the world, while he wants to bring chaos. In short, Okabe presents his alter-ego as chaotic.

This scenario is eerely similar to what happens in the series itself. After all, SERN is an evil organization which wants to control the world through time travel, while he and his friends are trying to free the world. This is, of course, something that happens to deconstruct Okabe’s fantasies, so that he can grow. As a matter of fact having to face an evil organization for real is something which deeply traumatizes him. However, it is interesting that even when Okabe finally succeeds and manages to go back to his original time-line things do not go better.

As a matter of fact the original time-line’s future is still a bad future, but in a different way. If the future Okabe has left behind is a cruel dictatorship, then the future he meets in the new/old time-line is a future of war and chaos. It is interesting to me that the series goes out of its way to present two opposite futures which are equally bad. The first bad future is a future where order is extreme to the point that freedom is negated, while the second bad future is a reality where the established order of the world has been completely destroyed.

These two futures symbolize the necessity for Okabe to find a middle ground between these two extremes. In particular, what is the perfect future? What is freedom? Is there even any freedom if some people are meant to die no matter what in some time-lines?

To answer these questions, let’s go back to the first lines of the series:

The universe has a beginning, but no end. Infinite. Stars have beginnings too, but meet an end of their own making. Finite.

In other words, humans are like stars and have finite ends no matter if they live in a universe which is infinite and has infinite time-lines. They will still meet their ends in a specific moment. One might think that changing the structure of the world, so that humans are free, means to overcome this limit. However, not even time-travel is able to make this limit disappear and it makes it even more obvious and painful. So, no matter what, humans remain finite. A world of total freedom and of total chaos, as Okabe would call it, is impossible.

That said, not all “limits” and “restrictions” presented by time travel are bad. By this, I mean that “deaths” are not the only constants present in different time-lines. If anything, people’s relationships are just as constant and present and they seem even more unavoidable:

THE THEORY OF RELATIVITY: RELATIONSHIPS AND TIME

The way time affects relationships is another theme explored by the narrative, which has been mentioned above. Moreover, this quote by Kuriso perfectly conveys it. All in all, time can be both negative and beneficial for relationships.

On one hand time can make people feel distant, as it is metaphorically explored through the existence of different time-lines. As a matter of fact the moments a person shares with some people in a time-line may be lost in another one. This makes so that people who were previously close become distant. This is not so different from what happens in real life when time passes and people do not keep in touch with each other. No matter what, time changes relationships even the closest ones, like Mayuri notices in regards to her friendship with Okarin (even if of course they remain very close). The different time-lines are nothing more than a world-building element which makes this phenomenon more extreme.

On the other hand time, in the form of memories, can help feeling close to people who are physically distant:

Here, Kuriso is essentially talking about “grief” since she is trying to convince Okabe to sacrifice her for Mayuri and the world’s sake. She is telling him that she will always be there in his memories. Once again, due to the nature of the series, the idea of being close to someone through memories gains an ulterior meaning because Kuriso makes the hypothesis that she will indeed survive in other time-lines and will never truly die. However, this is not that different to the belief that dead people keep existing in another plane.

In conclusion, the series shows how time is both a wall and a bridge for relationships. At the same time, this makes clear something important:

Humans might be finite like stars which burn in the universe, but their feelings are able to overcome those same limits their existences can’t escape. As a matter of fact, as stated above, people’s relationships and feelings can travel through time-lines and they make so that relationships stay more or less the same throughout each jump. So, in most time-lines, Okabe and Kuriso fall in love, the members of the group are friends and Suzuha is born.

In conclusion, the structure of the world is both “infinite” with its infinite time-lines and “finite” with its constants in each time-line, like deaths and relationships. In particular, feelings have the property to travel through time-lines and are the key to overcome the limits of one’s individual existence. The question is now how to use this information to change the world and reach a happy future.

THE CHOICE OF STEINS;GATE: KURISO AND THE FUTURE

What’s the meaning behind Okabe’s words above? In the end, what is Steins;Gate? Steins;Gate is the world-line the protagonists struggle throughout the whole series to reach. It is a world-line where there is no dystopic future and so it is a reality where they are all free. This is why it is important that its name does not really mean anything. It is because in that reality they can build their own future. They do not have to live up to something pre-established, but they can simply experience their life as it comes. In short, the name Steins;Gate has no meaning, but this is precisely why it is meaningful. It is because its significance is something which is gained through living and experiencing things, just like the strange phrases Okabe uses throughout the story come to mean something by its end.

In short, Steins;Gate is a world-line linked to freedom, self-actualization and growth. However, how can one reach it?

All in all, what Okabe must do is to accept the past. It is interesting that when his future self explains to him how to save Kuriso he does not offer complicated explanations on how time-travel works, but simply makes him realize how much the struggle he has lived together with Kuriso in the alpha world-line is important. It is this past, even if painful, which has led him where he is.

In short, in order to achieve a positive future, people must first accept their past. This is also coherent with what happens in the alpha world-line where Suzuha, Faris and Rukako all had to give up on their perfect past for the sake of saving the future. Here, Okabe must somehow do the same:

He must let his past self go through the most terrifying weeks in his life if he wants to save Kuriso and the future.

Let’s also highlight that Okabe being able to save Kuriso, while he could not change Mayuri/Suzuha/Moeka’s destiny in the alpha world-line, has symbolically to do with Kuriso being a character linked to the future. As a matter of fact she is Okabe’s future lover and her death is one of the reasons why an apocalyptic future happens.

In short, the series suggests that it is possible to change the future only if one accepts and faces their past. In other words, both the universe and the stars have a beginning. However, the universe has no end, whereas humans (the stars) have an end. That said, this end is not definite (aka decided before-hand), but it is indefinite. This means that human lives are not infinite per-se, but they have infinite possibilities:

These are my main thoughts on the series! Thank you very much for asking and sorry for the wait!

Hi! Same anon as the previous one. Tbh, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Y'see I do ask rhetorically,too but i could really accept and understand how and why ppl can be oblivious to IchiRuki, and somehow felt that the 'canon' should suffice, even the most excruciating of all is the fact a number found the ending even acceptable (ships aside, too). Again, I could respect that. But it's my greatest bane when ppl ask 'why' and not be clear they are asking rhetorically because I literally will

provide you an actual answer. And I get it, it’s the reason why ppl find shipping wars toxic and silly. But then again, as human, conflicts are always part of us (partly because as social psych explains so, we are gravitated to the negative for that allows us to change and survive), and the reason why “logical fallacies” are coined in the first place. Human will always debate, and argue about something; the only thing we could change is how we approach the opposing views.

Again, I dont condone any way, shape or form of abuse and harm. In some certain extent, I could perhaps understand it’s much harder for some IH to approach the actual argument being there’s either too much noise, and trapped in their own island between sea of salt. Thus becoming too acquianted w/ few IH who shared the same thought until it became their views as the only truth (see, that’s why its important to have debates! it is what keep us grounded and fair! Just like you said)

Who am I to speak though? I never ever challenged anyone anyways. And as you said, you just have to understand things in every way you could possibly think of–endless ‘whys’. Which is where I agree in your reply the most–this silly fandom wars is just the black mirror to every truth that lies beneath human psyche–the dark and the grimy. Heck, being a psych major is like staring at dark hole–at times, good, but most just plain confusing, revolting even or just heartbreaking.

Sorry it’s been long, but for the final of this ask: let me tell how glad I was with IchiRuki fandom I found in tumblr. It was the saltiest I’ve ever been (im not generally a fandom person anyways) but it’s the himalayan salt–expensive and actually nutritive it really deepened my desire to become wiser in general. And you for your wonderful essays, critiques and whatnot. I definitively would love to talk with you more not only about IchiRuki but the wonders and nightmare that us humans! Kudos!

I have sitting in my drafts a post spelling out my thoughts on “canon” (and thus, the people who cling to it) in that as a concept it privileges:

officiality over quality when it comes to validity (thus violating Sturgeon’s law)

corporations (intellectual property rights holders) over fans, and thus capitalists over proletarians

hierarchical dominance over mutualist networking within fandom

curative fandom over transformative fandom

genre over literary content

plot over characters

events over emotions

It is notable that (1) generally degrades art as a whole, (2) generally advances the capitalist agenda, and (3–7) generally advances the dominance of men over women (as the genders tend to be instructed by society to view these as A. dichotomies rather than spectrums, and B. to ascribe gender to them and make them polarities). These form the sides of a mutually reinforcing power structure (in the typical “Iron Triangle” fashion) designed to preserve and maintain the status quo.

Who really benefits from say, the policing of what is or is not “canon” in Star Wars? Disney, first and foremost. And then whomever (almost certainly male) decides to dedicate their time to memorizing the minutiae of whatever that corporation has decided is “legitimate.”

One can imagine a universe in which fan fic is recognized by companies for what it is: free advertising. (Much like fan art already is.) Instead, it is specifically targeted by demonetization efforts in a way that fan art isn’t. Why? Because it demonstrates that corporate control and “official” sanction has no bearing on quality, and it is thus viewed as undermining the official products.

In the same way, by demonstrating that most “canonical” works are frankly shit, it undermines the investiture of fans in focusing on details that are ultimately errata (the events, the plot, the genre), which is the core function of curative fandom and the reason for its hierarchical structure. The people who “know the most” are at the top, but what they “know” is basically useless garbage. And those people so-engaged are, of course, usually male.

To “destroy” the basis of their credibility, and indeed the very purpose of their community, is naturally viewed by them as an attack.

(This is not to say that efforts to tear down internal consistency within established cultural properties are good unto themselves, or even desirable. For example, efforts to redefine properties such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Ghostbusters, for the sake of a identity-politics agenda have largely A. failed as art, B. failed as entertainment, C. failed to attract the supposedly intended audience, and D. failed to advance the agenda in question. Trying to repurpose extant media in the name of culture wars is essentially always doomed to failure unless it is done deftly and gradually.)

(At the same time, this also shows what I was talking about last time, with regard to people seeing whatever they want to see. You will see people complain that Star Trek and Doctor Who didn’t “used to be so political,” which is obviously nonsense. These shows were always political. What changed was how their politics were presented. For example, Star Trek has, since TNG, always shown a nominally socialist or outright communist future, but was beloved by plenty of conservatives because they could [somehow] ignore that aspect of it.)

Of course, almost no one is seriously suggesting that one side of the spectrums outlined above be destroyed, rather merely that a new balance be struck upon the spectrum. But, as we have seen time and again in society, any threat to the status quo, whether that be 20% of Hugo Awards going to non-white male authors or the top income tax rate in America being increased by a measly 5.3% (from 28.7% to 34%… when the all-time high was 94% and for over 50 years it was above 50%) is a threat. This is why, for example, Republicans are out there branding AOC as a “socialist” when her policies are really no different at all from a 1960 Democrat who believed in FDR’s New Deal. (Which they, of course, have also demonized as “socialism.”)

(As an aside, all this ignores the fact that most of the “literary canon” of Western civilization, or at least English literature… is Biblical or historical fan fic.)

And this is when I finally get to my point.

Those people out there who denigrate and mock shippers and shipping, the people who hurl “it reads like fan fiction” as an insult, and so on, are the people who benefit from and enjoy the extant power structure. You will see the same thing with self-identified “gamers” complaining about “fake girl gamers.” Admitting that the hobby has a lot of women in it, and a lot of “casuals,” and is indeed increasingly dominated by “non-traditional demographics” is an affront to the constructed identity of being a “gamer.” They are “losing control.” And they don’t like it.

This exact same sort of population is what the “fanbase” of Bleach has been largely reduced down to through a slow boiling off of any actual quality. Of course they’re dismissive of people who are looking for anything of substance: their identity, their “personal relationship” with the franchise, is founded on a superficial appreciation of it: things happening, flashy attacks, eye-catching character designs, fights, etc.

(What this really boils down to, at heart, is that society at large has generally told men that emotions are bad, romance and relationships of all kinds are gross, and that thinking and reflecting on things is stupid. So of course they not only don’t care about such things, but actively sneer at them as “girly” or “feminine,” which is again defined by society at large as strictly inferior. And this gender divide and misogyny is of course promulgated and reinforced by the powers that be, the capitalists, to facilitate class divisions just like say racism generally is.)

(The latest trick of these corporate overlords has been the weaponization of “woke” culture to continue to play the people off one another all the time. “If you don’t like this [poorly written, dimensionless Mary Sue] Strong Female Character, then you are a racist misogynist!” They are always only ever playing both sides for profit, not advancing an actual ideological position. It is worth noting that there was a push by IH some years ago to define IR as “anti-feminist” for critiquing Orihime for essentially the exact same reasons [admittedly, not for profit, but still as critical cover].)

Which makes it very curious, therefore, that the most ardent IH supporters tend to be women. (Though there are more than a few men, they seem to tend to support it because it is “canon” and to attack it is to attack “canon” and thus trigger all of the above, rather than out of any real investment.) I think there are a number of reasons for this (which I have detailed before) and at any rate it is not particularly surprising; 53% of white women voted for Trump, after all.

What we are really seeing in fandom, are again the exact same dynamics that we see at larger and larger scales, for the exact same reasons. The stakes are smaller, but the perception of the power struggle is exactly the same.

Of course, the people who are involved in these things rarely think to interrogate themselves as to the true dimensions and root causes of their motivations. People rarely do that in general.

Putting all that aside, I’m glad that you have found a place you enjoy and feel comfortable, and thank you for the kind words, although I am not of the opinion that there is anything poignant about the non-fiction I write. It is, as I keep trying to emphasize, all there to be seen. One just has to open their eyes. So, it’s hard for me to accept appreciation of it.

Anyway, don’t feel shy about coming off of anon rather than continuing to send asks. We don’t really bite.

I’m Gonna Get Myself Back Home To You (one-shot)

Requested: by Anon (the same one who requested Just Touch My Cheek Before You Leave) hope you like this one :) not really a happy ending, but more so bittersweet... just the way things progressed, whoops :D

Synopsys: Sometimes time spent apart isn’t a good thing. Sometimes it lets the people drift too apart. And sometimes you just need to let things go.

Pairing: Ben Hardy x f!Reader

Genre: angst

Warnings: swearing??? maybe??? I don’t even remember :D

Word count: 2417

   For a while, Y/N had known something was wrong. The calls became sparser, the smiles were faked and the ‘I love yous’ were said through tight lips, eyes never meeting. So now, when Ben’s name was glaring at her on the phone screen, she had to swallow a lump in her throat.    “Hey, love,” he said, the usually bright green eyes, tired and glazed. “How are you?”    “ ‘M good,” Y/N mumbled, looking around their apartment. She felt like an intruder, had been feeling that way for a while now. “Actually, no. I’m not.”    Instantly worry flooded through Ben’s veins. “Are you alright? Do I need to fly out?”    They had gone to LA for two months to film additional shots for ‘Bohemian Rhapsody’ and as much Y/N missed Ben, it seemed like a blessing in disguise now.    “It’s actually much better that you’re not here,” she muttered, not looking at him. “If you were, I don’t think I’d be able to do this.”    “Do what?” Ben’s heart pumped so hard, it was the only sound he could hear. “Baby, what are you talking about?”    “I think we need to break up,” it was barely a whisper, and Y/N wanted to slap herself because, for the first time in months, her heart felt light. “It’s just not working anymore. I can’t take this.”    Ben didn’t respond. He couldn’t, for he no longer had a voice. He didn’t even think he was breathing. The sight before him became blurry, and hot wet tears dropped down in his lap.    “We can make this work. Please, love. I’ll- I’ll come home. Right now, just don’t do this.” “A relationship is not a fairytale,” Y/N said, wiping her own tears away. “Nothing magically falls into place, Ben. You have to work, hard, to keep that good thing intact. But I think neither of us has been doing anything to save it. We just kinda... let it roll on its own course and now we’ve drifted apart. Too far apart.”    “No, we can sti-“    “I’ll have my stuff out by the end of the week, and I’ll leave the key in the mailbox,” Y/N interrupted him before Ben could argue any further. “I’m sorry.” And with that she ended the call, curling up in a ball, letting sobs shake her body.

***

   On the other side of the world, Ben stared at the black screen of his phone, completely frozen in spot. He must have misheard the conversation, he must have made all of that up in his mind, cause there was no way in hell, Y/N would have actually broken up with him.    Faintly he heard someone call his name, but with the way his head pounded, Ben wasn’t sure if it had been a trick of the mind. A strong palm clamped down on his shoulder, and he was startled back to reality.    “Mate, you alright?” Gwil’s voice was the epitome of concern.    “Y/N,” he said turning around, eyebrows furrowed as his brain was still attempting to wrap around the new information. “She- umm- she just broke up with me… I think…”    “What?” Gwil’s eyes widened as he took a step forward his friend and gripped his shoulder tighter. “And what do you mean ‘you think’?”    “I mean, I just called her to say 'hi' and that I miss her, and the conversation ended with her saying she’ll have her stuff out of the flat by the end of the week.” Tears rose in his eyes. “That means she ended things, right?”    The question had the tone of ‘please tell me it’s not true’, but the looks his fellow cast mates shared between them, told Ben enough.    “What did I do wrong?” he was breaking apart at the seams. “Why would she do that?’    “I-“ the other Brit stumbled over his words, cause he truly didn’t know what to say. “I have no clue why Y/N would do that.”    Joe and Rami glanced at one another, Rami chewing on the inside of his cheek, trying to figure out something to say that would console their friend, but it would seem his fellow American was faster.    “Dude, what are you still doing here?” Joe came forward and pushed Ben towards where the trailers were. “Go and get your girl back.”    “B-“    “Every second you spend here, only pushes her further away. And if we have to be next to you as you sulk about a breakup, rather than simply being away from Y/N, I swear to everything holy, I will personally kill you,” it was Rami who said it, lips tugging up in a smile. “Go and help that girl get her head back in its place. She loves you, and I’ll be damned if there isn’t more to this than her simply wanting to break up.”    Without wasting another moment, Ben dashed towards his trailer, ripped off the clothes and wig, and like a madman raced to the airport.

***

The night was dark, as usual, but this time it also felt heavy. She had dropped Frankie at Ben’s parents, saying she had to go out of town for a couple of weeks and would only be back by the end of it. When seeing the confusion on Ben’s mom’s face, why Y/N wouldn’t be picking Frankie up, she made up a little lie, how Ben would be visiting London, and he would be flying in before the girl.      She had packed just the essentials and called up one of her best friends Anna, who at that moment was out of town, but allowed the girl to use her apartment. Being in the place where she used to see her future was too hard because now, nothing but ash floated in the air.    Pathetically, she was attempting to make some food. Pasta Bolognese seemed like something a toddler could make, but through the crying and shaking, she managed to overboil and turn the pasta into a mush and burn the sauce. She couldn’t even taste the tomatoes, even though she'd cut a whole one in, just to minimize the flavour of charred food.    In the end, she dumped the sad attempt at a dinner in the garbage and ordered some greasy takeout. Maybe that would fill the Ben-sized hole in her chest. Y/N gazed at the blank TV screen for what seemed like hours, before deciding on grabbing a hot shower and going to bed.    Scalding water met her skin and she savoured every flaming pellet. In a way, she thought to herself, it was like a phoenix rising from the ashes, only this time she wasn’t reborn. More so the water, if only for a second, washed away that defiled layer, of Y/N, that had had the audacity to hurt Ben.    But reality has a nasty habit of settling back in and ripping one out of a dream. As the warm water ran cold, Y/N reached out and grabbed a towel wrapping it around her body. Shivers had already settled in, but they could not be helped, for they were not of cold, but from the sobs, that overtook her form.    Crying, she slipped under the covers and crying Y/N fell asleep, letting her mind be overtaken by the blissful unconsciousness, where Ben existed; smiling and happy and not in the heartbroken state, she had left him in.

***

   Rapid knocks against the door woke Y/N up. She was delirious for a moment and thought she had only imagined it, but then they came again, this time stronger and much more persistent.    “I’m coming!” Y/N called out, her voice a rasp from all of the weeping she’d done the night before. Looking in the mirror, the girl saw just how horrible she looked, so quickly snatching her hairbrush she pulled it through her hair, once, twice. Deeming that part presentable, Y/N quickly rushed in the bathroom and splashed cold water on her face to somewhat give it an ‘I’m-not-a-zombie-please-believe-me’ look, before the knocks came again.    Grabbing Anna’s silk robe, Y/N pulled it over the tank top and shorts, and thinking it was her that had come home a bit earlier than planned from the trip, without thinking, she yanked the door open, only for all the air to be punched out of her body. “Y/N.”    Her name was a breathless whisper of hope, love and adoration on his lips. Of home. Ben took a step forward, ready to engulf her in his arms when she stepped back.    “What are you doing here?”    For a moment there, he couldn’t move a muscle, but luckily his mouth had a mind of its own. “Please, come home.” “I am home,” Ben could hear the pain in Y/N’s voice as she told the lie to him and herself. “No,” he shook his head, stepping inside her friend’s small apartment where she was staying until she found her own place, and grasping at her wrist. “No, you’re not. This isn’t home. It’s with me in our flat, where Frankie runs around like crazy. It’s where all of our plants die, cause we’re two bloody idiots who always forget to water them,” Ben stepped even closer and pressed his forehead against hers. “It’s where we started to build our life together. That’s home. Not here or wherever you’re planning on moving.”    “Then how come it no longer feels like it? How come when I think of us, it’s always you and me, separately?”    “Don’t say things like that, please, Y/N,” Ben was crying, and she couldn’t help herself. She hated seeing him hurt, so with a tender touch, she wiped the translucent pearls away. “I told you, we’ll make it work. I’ll take more time off, I’ll come and visit more often, please.”    “I don’t want you to sacrifice everything you’ve worked so hard for!” she harshly replied. “I won’t let you.”    “If it’s the price I have to pay to be with you, I’ll give everything up!”    “And then what?” Y/N scoffed. “Trust me, a few years down the line, hell, give it a few months or even a few weeks, and you’ll start to hate me and resent me for what I made you give up.”    “Do you not realise how little I care for any of it if I don’t have you by my side to take part in it all? It means nothing when I can’t share the world with the person I love most!”    “But I don’t fit in it!” and there it was. That vile truth Y/N hadn’t wanted to admit to. She didn’t fit in his world. He was a big-shot Hollywood star, girls and guys flocking around him 24/7, begging for any bit of attention the handsome Brit could give, and Y/N… she was just that… Y/N. A girl who got lucky when Ben had noticed her, and she had stolen his heart. A girl who fell in love with a blond-haired, green-eyed boy, whose smile could light up New York City in the dark.    And for a while, they had relished in the fantasy that was their lives, before Y/N noticed how different they actually were. He was surrounded by glitz and glam, while she was surrounded by essays and Red Bull cans and three all-nighters in a row.    He was the bright Sun, warming up the Earth and Y/N was a small meteorite hitting the atmosphere and burning up instantly, not even large enough to leave a mark that she’d been there.    “Do you love me?” Ben’s voice brought her out of the pondering, and two warm palms settled on her cheeks, making her look up in those emerald eyes.    “Ben…”    “It’s a simple question. Do you love me?”    A beat passed before Y/N answered, every single word being completely true. “I never stopped and never will stop loving you.”    He was just about to lean in to press their lips together when Y/N’s palm came in between them. “But love isn’t enough,” her voice cracked. “It’s never enough, cause you can’t build a relationship worth fighting for, off of it… and when you feel like an outsider looking in, it’s even more discouraging.”    “What can I do?” Ben whispered, desperate to somehow fix a seemingly unfixable thing. “How can I convince you, that whatever we’re going through, is worth it in the end?”    Y/N’s voice was small, the same way she felt. “I don’t know. I don’t think you can. Cause you’ve been nothing but loving and supporting and amazing. And the guys and all of your other friends, as well… and that’s the thing- no one has explicitly done anything to make me feel like I don’t belong… I just can’t help but feel that way… which is even worse, because then I’d have an actual excuse of why I’m throwing away three of the best years of my life, but I don’t.”    Ben sighed, wrapping his arms around Y/N, and this time she didn’t protest, letting herself melt in his embrace. He hid his nose in her hair and pressed his lips against her forehead before speaking.    “I know, that whatever I say, won’t change how you feel. Not now, but sometime down the line, I hope you realize how amazing and special you are. But I won’t push you to live in the limelight like I do. So, if you want to break up, I will accept it. Not gladly, but I’ll… figure out a way to move on.”    Her heart broke at Ben’s confession.    “But,” he said, “I’d like for us to try. We can start off completely new, a blank page, if you will,” his voice dropped down to a deep husk. “I just don’t want to lose such a good, thing. We’re so good together.”    Y/N’s mind was reeling as thoughts came and went one after the other. A new start, continue on with the old one or leave everything behind. Never had she hated being in the crossroads so much.    “I’ve already hurt you so much, Ben… I don’t wanna do it again.”    She heard him sniffle and felt his grip tighten on her body. “Then come home,” he replied. “We’ll work through it together, no matter how long it takes. Just come home.”    And despite everything, despite the fact she’d never truly feel like the fame and fortune was for her, Y/N nodded her head, pressing a kiss to Ben’s neck before burying her face in the crook of it. She'd fight for it because Ben was her home.

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take): @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @sweet-ladyy @magicwithaknife @16wiishes @wanderingsami @desir-ae @thiccio-and-thicciet @roseslovedreams @vesoleil @gloomybisexualemo @kostyaownsmyheart @perriwiinkle @screaminggalileochickenwrites

A/N: boiiii, do I like to make you all suffer :D

Woke up this morning to find out there are 4k of you following my blog.... ummmmm whatttttt????!!!! hooooooowwww?????!!! whyyyyyyy?????!!!!!!

all of that aside- a huge thank you, for liking, commenting and reblogging my work. any author without an audience to share their pieces with would be nothing, so big hugs and kisses and all of that jazz to each and every one who follows me or just though ‘meh, that was alright’ :))))

P.S. what did you think?

P.S.S. my tags are always open, don’t be afraid to drop a message :)

(for context, i made a post asking if this anon would b comfy telling me if she was a part of the lgbt community because i would be able to answer more quickly & with more nuance if i knew! my response would’ve been very different for the first ask if it had come from a cis/het person)

hi b!!!!!!!! ty so much for sending me this ask! this is a conversation i’ve had with friends a number of times & i think it’s really good to talk about so i’m really glad to have the chance to talk about it on my blog!

(under the cut because this got long)

i really feel you on this entire situation, tbh- i really hate to assume people’s sexualities, especially people who i don't actually know, bc doing that enforces gender roles & stereotypes so much of the time. especially when it's straight people doing the assuming? like, straight people talking about having good "gaydar" for me feels like them talking about being good at stereotyping people based on mannerisms etc and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable!

i'm 100% of the opinion that unless someone has the agency in telling people they're lgbt (like, they get to come out on their own terms, or they're so comfortably out that you'd maybe hear them referred to with pronouns besides he/she or hear about a same-gender partner when hearing about them in conversation)? nobody should be making a definitive assumption or trying to find proof or support of any perspective on their sexuality. people should get to be as closeted or as out as they're comfortable being, bc more than anything all lgbt people deserve to feel safe.

that said? i feel like lgbt ppl have actual "gaydar" but that it's not the same thing straight people say "gaydar" is. i think that for lgbt people, it has as much to do with being able to identify homophobic or transphobic straight or cis people (bc there are transphobic lgb folx, why do people. DO that) and being able to identify what straight/cis people are safe to be around as it does being able to find other lgbt people. it's more of a survival mechanism than a way of identifying people who are different, the way it functions for straight people.

so like? idk. over the past few years my concept of whether it's okay to speculate about a celebrity's sexuality has shifted a little? when i was in high school & recently out of it, i was more firmly against the idea that someone could tell if xyz celebrity wasn't straight, and super firmly believed that the only way you could know was if they said as much in words.

so what changed?

i experienced the world more, and i've learned so much about the lgbt community and about myself.

one of the big turning points for me was kristen stewart; i was never a super huge fan of hers, but i saw posts fairly often speculating that she and alicia cargile were together. not posts by like, news outlets or anything, posts by other wlw who were saying 'i see the way that kstew is dressing and acting and what she & alicia cargile are sharing of their relationship with the public and news articles keep calling them live-in gal-pals etc but that's exactly how i dress and behave and how my relationship with my girlfriend looks and how people treat our relationship when they're refusing to acknowledge the fact that we're lgbt."

also at the time i started seeing a lot of posts that were saying that the speculation was shitty, and for a hot minute i felt awful for seeing and reblogging posts & hoping/believing that they were girlfriends. the next wave of discourse tho was about how it was okay to speculate and hope if you were just an individual who was also lgbt, and how it was only shitty when it was invasive paparazzi and tabloids who had a platform that could actually disrupt her life and put pressure on her to come out. it was about power; one lesbian or bi or pan girl who was hoping a celebrity they looked up to was like them vs a business that doesn't have any investment in this besides to gain money/readership off of a celebrity's potential identity that had every right to keep their silence and privacy? it's two entirely different things.

i also went back to college in 2016, and realized that like. yeah it's shitty when straight people stereotype and assume things about people, but a lot of lgbt people don't want to be perceived as straight and intentionally dress and behave in ways that signal the fact that the're lgbt. i'm not a scholar on any of this; this is all from my lived experience. but i think it might be called flagging? i've seen the word a few times & just googled it & it seems right, even though i haven't read any of the articles for sure.

essentially it's a way of signaling to other lgbt people "hey i'm here and i'm also lgbt" without really having to disclose that info to all the straight people around you as well. and like, heteronormativity is a hell of a drug, you know? a lot of straight people are almost unwilling to pick up on the signals that someone's lgbt.

an example i can think of is like, lgbt people using non-gendered terms to refer to their significant other or any exes around straight people; it's not lying, and it leaves the opportunity for any other lgbt people present to maybe connect with the person who's doing the pronouns dance at a later point in time in a one on one setting.

another example would be like, butch and gender nonconforming wlw making their identity clear in the way they dress and behave? the song ring of keys from the musical fun home is about a young girl seeing a butch lesbian for the first time and going !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! same!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! even without having the words. it's lgbt people broadcasting their identity for other lgbt people, not for straight people. it doesn't get seen or talked about as much because of that, but that doesn't make it any less real.

so how does this relate back to dnp?

i'm firmly of the opinion that the're like, doing this. they're living their lives without the complete self-censorship they used to have and because of that openness a lot of lgbt ppl see them, we see the ways in which dan and phil are quietly sharing the fact that they're not straight with us, and i think it's okay to accept that for what it is.

like? i genuinely am willing to argue that dan came out in his diss track. you look at that, and you look at him talk about labels in a liveshow (this video genuinely helped me a lot while i was going through the process of finding the right labels for myself) and you look at all of trying to live my truth or the fact that in dan's rebranding video part of the old branding that was going up in flames was gender rolls (i still have a screenshot of that on my phone). it's also in the countless ways he alludes to being attracted to men, and the ways he rejects a lot of the tenants of masculinity that society prescribes in the ways he dresses and presents himself to the world; that's not an inherently lgbt thing to do, but i think it's true that a majority of lgbt ppl experience gender more consciously than straight people do.​

i'm not going to lie and say i'm aware of as many specific details in regards to phil that indicate his sexuality-i do know less off the top of my head, but not because i don't love phil, just because dan means more to me personally in regards to my queerness and the ways i navigate my identities. phil also tends to share way less of himself with the internet than dan does? like, we know a lot of specifics about who dan is and who dan has been but despite knowing a lot of fluff about phil, we know less substantial information and that's super fucking valid and i love his double aquarius sagittarius rising enigmatic ass exactly as is. and i know i have things in my he likes boys tag about both of them, including (i think) at least one masterpost about phil.

which like, doesn't even bring us to the fact that i'm so sure they're together, too? it's not even like. things like the vd*y v*d, though that was still findable on tumblr when i joined the phandom in 2012.

i'm sure because i can look at dan and phil in the present, and the ways in which they function in eachother's lives, and the things they've said about their future together-the concept of a forever home, of getting a dog together,  the way that when either of them talks about a very old version of themself they talk about having kids & when you combine that with the idea of a forever home you kind of are left with only one implication- i look at all of those things and the ways they compare to my life, as a queer person in a long term committed relationship. and i know. i’m sure about them.

and i could go on. the thing that really gets me is how dan and phil, by all intents and purposes, hit all three sides of sternberg's triangle in his triangular theory of love; they've got the commitment of a shared life and they've talked about their shared future, they've got the intimacy of knowing and supporting each other for nine years and the close knowledge they have of each other is so great in volume that it's been the focus of what, two videos (the friendship test ones) and (spoilers, minorly) a section of ii? and in the way they look at each other, and in a lot of implications we've picked up on over the years, the passion is there, too.

they've fuckin got that good good consummate love, babeY.

they also constantly answer all of each other's bids, as per gottman's research/theories on successful relationships. i'm not gonna get too far into that, but it's what my like a sunflower tag is for.

and gosh, i've gotten rather off topic again. my apologies, b.

i guess the point is that like. as a queer person in a long term relationship, it's really easy for me to look at dan and phil and be sure that they're together. and i don't feel bad, anymore, thinking about that and speculating about it; i think it's ok for lgbt individuals to hope that the people they look up to are like them, and to talk about that hope.

and it would be nice, if dan and phil came out someday. stressful because of the fan reaction, i'm expecting a full meltdown if/when it happens (i'm leaning towards when, i think they want to get married someday).

but for me, i'm already sure. they've already given us so much and they don't owe us anything, we aren't entitled to them disclosing their identities, but i think they've already told us in subtle ways, a hundred times over. so my conscience is clear and my heart is sure, b. i hope yours can be too.

Hey! So, this is kind of a silly question, but it's been bugging me for ages now. I happened to stumble across an anti kagehina and anti Hinata tumblr, and I usually ignore those kind of things but this person said something in a post that somehow stuck with me-- that Kageyama just wants to utilize Hinata's abilities to win, and he doesn't care about him otherwise. (1/3)

sdfjskjdf oh nooooo anon *gathers you into my arms to soothe you* This ask is so cute it made me hide my face 

I feel like this could be an ask that sends me off on a big long rambling tangent so I’m going to try to avoid that in the interest of showing that there are a few simple reasons why I don’t think you need to worry about this at all! Here we go: 

1) The Haikyuu!! manga, as a whole, is not just about volleyball. It is 100% about the bonds that develop between people in pursuit of a common goal, the connections that are created by sharing dreams, and the friendships that evolve naturally as a culmination of these things. And like it or not, the focal points of this series, and of all these themes, are a) Hinata’s growth and b) the relationship between Hinata and Kageyama. So I do not think there can be much merit in trying to tear down the friendship between them, because if we look at the series on an entirely meta level, the intentions of the creator simply do not lean towards an unsupportive relationship. This, I think, is the only point I even need to make. But there’s canonical evidence as well.

2) At the very start of the story, Kageyama is frustrated, easily angered, and anxious, because of his bad history working on a team. Within one game of playing seriously with Hinata, Hinata has helped him snap out of it with the iconic moment of showing Kageyama “I’m here!” Kageyama realizes that volleyball can be fun for him again, as he tries to work with Hinata. Even if they frustrate each other sometimes, they have a knack for understanding each other, and more than that, they have fun with each other. In-series, we really only get to see them interact in the context of volleyball, and they have both only known each other for a few months, unlike literally all the other characters/friends in the show, who have known each other years. It’s true that their friendship is still developing. But it seems like a deliberate disservice to the writing to ignore the sheer mutual joy they get out of their favorite thing in the entire world, now that they have each other as partners.

3)Where is the problem in Kageyama utilizing Hinata solely to win? :D Kageyama, canonically, is the first person in Hinata’s life to believe that he can win games based off his skill and ability. Do the other members of Karasuno believe in Hinata, too? Yes, absolutely. But Kageyama’s own words are “I won’t toss to anyone who isn’t essential to winning.” And Hinata has, up until the point he meets Kageyama, worked his ass off to prove that he can be that person. He doesn’t come to Karasuno just to make friends and create memories. He comes to Karasuno to win. They both do. That’s part of the reason they understand each other so well, and why they are turning into such an unstoppable pair. Putting each other to work as the tool that will lead to their respective successes is a positive thing for the way they function. It’s what they’ve always sought in a partner, someone who will push them and their abilities forward.

I think it’s quite easy to make things negative if you want to view them as negative (even, somehow, Hinata Shouyou) ^^; but in my opinion, Furudate’s story has never even had the slightest suggestion that it wants to be anything but hopeful. We haven’t had scenes of Kageyama telling Hinata how much he means to him outside of volleyball, but that doesn’t erase the fact that he puts a lot of faith and trust in Hinata when it comes down to the thing we know Kageyama has valued most in his life. 

And it’s not winning. What Kageyama values most, I believe, is strength; the ability to keep growing, and improving. The determination not to give up because something is difficult. Kageyama has seen Hinata’s potential for growth. He knows Hinata understands volleyball (the thing Kageyama loves more than anything) like he does. 

And I personally feel like it would be very hard to see these qualities in someone, to want to support someone to the point that they can become invincible, and not care about them. 

Hope this helps :)

Great post - "about why Jonsa of all ships is so bitterly thought about" and I think your really nailed a lot of the key factors, especially how the San/San people like Sansa, are more likely book readers and can accept the Jonsa ship maturely. There is definitely a pathological hatred of Sansa that drives the fanaticism against her being with Jon. You really captured a lot of the thinking (if you can call it thinking!) on a tv forum I've been following for about a year. People literally (1/2)

will dream up any reason to keep Sansa away from Jon. There is essentially a subculture that allows the Jon/Ary@ ship and the Jon/D@ny ship to coexist. Even kind of support each other. Dany might die and then Arya and Jon will raise the Targcest baby together. Pretty crazy stuff. Anyway thanks for writing so clearly on this topic. (2/2)

First of all … that was supposed to say FOUGHT ABOUT!!! NOT THOUGHT ABOUT!!!  WHY JONSA OF ALL SHIPS IS SO BITTERLY FOUGHT ABOUT!!!

I lower my head in shame, while contemplating my bad habit of never proof-reading the stuff I write. But as the previous anon so correctly pointed out my spelling isn’t exactly top-notch. Most of the time it’s honestly  p r e t t y  bad. If words sound somewhat similar, by stupid brain assumes they’re interchangeable. Seven hells.

Though I think this - Sansa being regarded as a side character or at best, the least important main character - also explains why Jonsa isn’t seen as a possibility by the general fandom, not just the radical antis. People look at the infamous original outline, believing that Sansa never gained any real importance as a character since then, like she was just allowed to tag along with the “real” key five (Arya, Bran, Dany, Jon and Tyrion). She was supposed to marry Joffrey and die at some point and the crazy folks think she’ll not even survive but also get THE MALE LOVE-INTEREST?  I suppose, to people who don’t realize (or don’t want to admit) that Sansa was “upgraded” to key-status (GRRM always includes her when talking about the most important characters nowadays), any serious theory that claims she could be Jon’s grand love interest sounds as implausible as if it was … idk, Arianne or Brienne or whoever. Those two are great and all, but Jon Snow is on an entirely different level when it comes to significance to the narrative. Why would he of all people end up with some puny side-character? Shouldn’t that “honor” go to one of the real heroines? Makes sense. It’s not just the people who actively hate on Sansa, but also those who simply don’t care much about her character. 

I guess you call this hypothesis “Why Jonsa of all ships is so bitterly FOUGHT about and/or not taken seriously”. 

I’m honestly not an expert on what’s going on between the other camps (ie the general attitude between J0nry and J0nerys shippers), but according to my experience these two subgroups (together with the Sansa/P€tyr shippers) make up the majority of devoted jonsa-haters and put forth the most obsessed ones as well. If I remember correctly, a few years back before canon!jonsa gained so much momentum those two groups weren’t getting along nicely either. There was a lot of bickering about who’s more important (Ary@ is grrm’s fav!, D@ny has dragons and all, so shut your piehole!), mixed up with some shipping wank and as far as I can tell (as I said, I have a very limited perspective on this. I don’t really interact with either group), that has gotten a bit better since Sansa entered the stage as another key female character. What do people say? The enemy of my enemy … 

I don’t think that shipping is super important to asoiaf, I care about the story first and was pretty indifferent to it before I jumped on board the Jonsa ship, but I do think that we’ll get one “main” romance between two “main” characters. It would simply make sense to me, Grrm was never shy about including romantic love in his works, even if it was never the main focus. Now, this will more likely than not end in tragedy, but since asoiaf can be read as a coming of age story for at least 5 of the key six, and settling down with a spouse and a couple of kids is one common way to end such a story, maybe that will belong to the “sweet” part of the bittersweet ending. Idk, anything’s possible. (Btw, I don’t count Sansa and Tyrion’s marriage as a “romance” for obvious reasons.) If you don’t subscribe to the idiotic assumption that Jon and D@ny are the “real” real main characters and assume that all six are of equal importance … why is shipping either of them (other than the biological siblings, perhaps, that would be a bit weird even by grrm standards), less legit than the other? (Of course, if you do subscribe to this assumption, there probably only exists one “legitimate” pairing in your opinion. In which case, no argument about this could ever be solved until finding a common denominator to this question of principle, so why even bother…)

If one of the male characters can be seen as the “romantic lead” it would be Jon (grrm even sorta confirmed this in his “fake” -lol- medusa interview), simply because Bran is just a kid and Tyrion, well some people will accuse me of ableism, but I don’t get any “romantic lead” vibes from him. Not because he’s a dwarf, because he’s the only “grownup” of the key six. So everyone can keep any accusations to themselves. I also don’t think that Grrm will stride away from hetero-love, to be honest. HE COULD. But I don’t think he will. That leaves us with the three possibilities mentioned above: Jon and one of the leading ladies. I think it’s rather inevitable that that will happen. 

But when it comes to the ladies … things simply aren’t as clear. They’re all similar of age, neither of them is closely related to Jon (at least, not THAT closely related), they could all work. I obviously don’t like J0nerys, but I can totally understand why so many people believe in it. I would maybe even ship J0nrya a bit, if it wasn’t almost impossible to find shippers who don’t hate on Sansa/Jonsa. And I would never call either of those groups “delusional” because it basically comes down to personal preference and a couple of other factors, most notably how you judge the future projective of these three characters. 

I also hate the assumption that J0nerys is the only pairing with solid foreshadowing in the books. I read the books a few times, all j0nerys meta I could find, plenty of J0nrya ones and, well, I don’t have to talk about all the jonsa-metas I’ve consumed xD. Trying to remain as unbiased as possible, there’s an almost equal amount of foreshadowing for all of them. I simply came to the conclusion that Sansa is the most likely candidate because a) I’m pretty sure D@ny will go dark and there will be a targbowl of sorts. She could just as easily be a love interest, as she could be an adversary. b) The age-gap between Ary@ and Jon is a bit too big for my liking. Especially at their current canon age. Also I love them siblings so much. And c) Sansa’s upgrade and the drastic change in her narrative must have a reason. Martin liking the idea of tormented pseudo-incest, and the reveal of Jon’s parentage making such a relationship “proper” but deciding to emphasize the brotherly bond between Jon and Ary@ and “using” Sansa’s character as the love interest instead simply makes sense to me. 

But I only came to this conclusion because I consider Sansa to be of equal importance. It’s more or less a precondition of even consider Jonsa, even more so to ship it in a canon kind of way. 

Now, to put an end to this little rant and get back to the original topic, D@ny and Ary@ stans regularly accuse Sansa of “stealing their narrative” or at least “Sansa-stans want her to have it all”, so it’s no surprise that they a) don’t want her to be key player and b) subsequently don’t want her / can’t see her ending up with Jon. There are a few very great posts out there dealing with the issue why Sansa is hated so much, but I think it comes down to (to get off topic one more time, because it’s my speciality)

Misogyny. Feminine characters always attract a lot of unwarranted hate (female characters and general, but at least on tumblr … one can undeniably see a certain trend), more so the ones who don’t take off their clothes. There’s this really nice post going around that as a female character you either have to a) be a sex object or b) act like a man. I would link to it if only I could find it. I’m not going to add much to this, it has been talked about many times. 

You can’t live vicariously through her. Sansa’s narrative often is … very frustrating. Nobody “wants to be Sansa”. People want to be the rebellious, fighting girl who doesn’t take any shit, they want to be the mother of dragons who goes around the world freeing slaves, they want to be Jon kicking some White Walker ass, they want to be the future three-eyed-raven (though Bran is seriously underappreciated by the fandom), they want to be a smart ass know it all, like Tyrion. They don’t want to be the girl stuck in situations she has almost no means of escaping. The sad truth to this is though, most people, if they found themselves in the same situation, “would be Sansa”. Most people aren’t active heros who fight against the unjust system all the time, most people aren’t geniuses, or brave enough to put themselves in harm’s way for the sake of other all the time. I actually fell in love with Sansa’s character because of that. (Though I have to admit myself, I was rather indifferent to her character for partially those exact reasons myself). It’s refreshing and a honest take on human nature to have a heroine who mostly has to resort to endurance and passive resistance. Mostly, not always. I don’t subscribe to “Sansa is weak and useless” weekly. Don’t get me wrong. She’s awesome and badass in her right, it’s just a bit harder to notice and appreciate. In this aspect she’s probably the most “realistic” character of the key six and people don’t like to read the truth about themselves. They wanna read about what they want to and could be. 

People are projecting. HARD. I spent a lot of time wondering why Sansa gets so much shit for her “evil deeds and traits”, in a series where people kill other people, shove children out of windows, burn people alive, rape a slave prostitute, and so on and so forth. And you know what? It’s easier to “forgive” those things because they are so absolutely horrendous. All these things are so far removed from our everyday reality (for most people at least), that it severs our emotional connection to it. Don’t get me wrong, we can still judge their behaviour, we can still emphasize with the victims, but we have no personal experience to connect to. But Sansa’s “villainous characteristics” (especially those of s1/agot)? An ignorant, privileged white girl who is mean to her little sister for being different, is caught up in some naive classicism, does stupid shit because she has a crush on some asshole everyone else could sniff out a mile away and always has to be so fucking perfect all the time. NOW THAT IS A “BAD GUY” WE KNOW! That’s a “villain” we all encountered in real life. To put this in different terms: I’ve never been pushed out a window for witnessing a incestous relationship between two people of high social standing (nor has anyone close to me), but have I felt victimized by my sister being the pretty, perfect girl, while I was the loud, unruly, unattractive tomboy? Yeeeeeeeeeeees. Have I ever actually lived through the experience of my elder sister getting nicer gifts than me, because “I would just break them”? Yeeeeeeeeeeeesss again. I grew out of it after elementary school, of course (okay, to be completely honest here, I might have still struggled with it during puberty, but thank god that’s also behind me). This also works the other way around: I have never been in the situation of “having” to push a kid out of a window, because it witnessed my incestous relationship and I, my sister-lover and our three children would lose their heads if he told anyone. I’ve never had slave master nail 163 children to crosses to piss me off. Idk, man. I have no idea what I would do. I never had to deal with shit like this. Who am I to judge? But then people look at the “mean” things Sansa did and go I WOULD NEVER EVER EVER. (though they probably did at some point in their life). 

Since this is tumblr, I have to note something: I don’t think this applies to everyone who dislikes Jonsa. I don’t think that everyone who dislikes Jonsa also dislikes Sansa. I’m not even saying that everyone dislikes Sansa for the reasons listed above. Before you accuse me of any of this, make sure you didn’t fall victim to a logical fallacy. I had enough of those lately. Those are just a few of my personal observations and conclusions, that I think, apply to quite a few people. If your reasonings and opinions are completely different, great, I’m not arguing, just don’t give me any shit about it.

So to draw some final conclusion for this long ass post: Jonsa of all ships is so bitterly fought about and/or not taken seriously, because a) Sansa attracts a lot of hate for several reasons, b) Sansa is considered to be too unimportant to be the “romantic lead” kind of main character grand love interest.

Shipping Jonsa is not “delusional” if you a) consider all three lead ladies to be of equal significance and b) don’t dislike Sansa. (Though since this is Tumblr, I might point it out one more time: This does not mean that anyone this applies to also ships Jonsa. This does not mean that this doesn’t also apply to people who don’t ship Jonsa. This does not mean that only people who stan Sansa hard ship Jonsa - I myself actually started shipping it because I staned Jon so much and I need my baby to be happy. Some people who fulfill both a) and b) might still believe that Jonsa shipper are “delusional” simply because it’s the common narrative of a big portion of the fandom.)

… Now that I think about this, the entire question could have been answered with the last paragraph alone, but you know how we do, go big or go home.  

:D

Ah, thank you so much for agreeing to the commission, you made me really happy!

Don’t worry please and take all the time you need! I can be patient if it‘s worth the wait and with your works it definitely is.

To be honest I‘d like it even more if you wouldn‘t explicitly state that they are soulmates - but you can still make it as soulmate-y as you want. I know it‘s pathetic but this way I can tell myself that it‘s a realistic story and that it could also happen in the real world? Ah, please just ignore this I’m stupid for wanting to find someone like that. Don’t let my rambling burden you please.

You can reply however you want, with or without showing my messages, however you feel more comfortable. If you’d rather speak to me directly you can also use this mail address if you want to but if you’d rather talk via tumblr that’s fine as well :)

Could you however do me a great favour please and tell me at least vaguely what amount of money you’d like to get? Because I know that your work and your time and the effort and soul you put into your writing are essentially beyond prize/priceless but I want to give you at least something in return and therefore I’d like to know with what kind of price you’d be ok. So could you please tell me? :) You don’t have to tell me right away, you can think about it a while longer if you want to. But please no saying that your working isn’t good enough to be payed for or anything like that because it obviously IS good enough or else I wouldn’t be willing to pay for it, would I? ;)

Have a good (relaxing, fulfilling, maybe even happy) day

Commission anon

P.S.

Not commission related and probably a bit too personal but; is there anything one could do to make you feel a bit more safe or grounded? You sound awfully lost in your last posts and it pains my soul to think that you might be hurting. So if there’s ANYTHING that might help, that I could do please let me know. And if it’s too much/too personal to ask this or too overwhelming and confusing right now or if makes you uncomfortable then please ignore this and just pretend it was never there.

i can definitely make the soulmate thing very clear. that is a thing i haven’t done before so im interested in it i mean in that it would be a very like…concrete thing rather than my typical kind of implied or proven ways. some combination ^^;; especially for yoonkook / sugakookie im interested in this. i have so many ideas for this sort of longing and finding and completion motifs that im always really into haha ;; it’s like you picked things you already know i like ;; i feel al ittle bad…ah uiojklefsd i will do my best. as for price i um…i mean i have just no meter for the worth of my own things… i was looking around at other fic commissions and there seems to be a range of 15-20 dollars? for like 3k? and then $5 for every additional 1k? but idk if that’s reasonable or just what i’m seeing bc that’s all twitter is showing me squints into the distance…..some people have different base prices than the 15-20 for longfic ranging from like 40-50 but at that point i become really uncomfortable. i know that when i asked someone their opinion they were like blah blah professional writers blah this many words per blah etc…and they weren’t wrong. professional writers do or at least CAN get paid like $100 a day but lol i was like first of all i think i’ve seen people pay for fanart maybe around 80-150? but i think writing is generally harder for people to um… put a monetary unit on. idk. im using that acronym a lot im sorry ;; im just nervous ah. this is one huge clump of babbling ;; i havent actually slept in a few days so like is why im able to answer haha bc my nerves are lowered i guess bc im so…sleepy…b-but i hope that…is a sense of things? at least or if you want i can babble more later…in mail or something ;;

it is selfish of me but the post script makes me feel idk like im always crying a lot lately but that sort of crying that it gives me is kind of hopeful. it’s not so much that i think it’ll be okay like oh it will be okay but that…the crying is like a path to thinking sometimes things are close enough to okay. i always look at how worse people have it. i try to be in perspective no matter how bad it gets for me it cant be so bad because its not like it is for other people in more dire situations. but then i think if someone told me they felt like this i would tell them: everything is relative. i would tell them its okay to be worried or sad because thats the honest feeling….but somehow even knowing this i cant quite do it for myself. i think though a thing like what you tell me, that you care and stuff…ah it’s really… im so stupid haha it’s like too much and just perfect all at once because i guess part of me needs that. but i should do better. to deserve it. im sorry i hope this makes sense. i think this is my last reply of the night but mor e later ihope…

please take care commissions anon<3 and thank youfor thinking im worth…anything. really thank you…/rubs eyes ;_;

SFW Ben Solo

For: Anon List made by: @caitlinpotter​

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Ben is very affectionate, he cares a lot more than people think

He shows affection by actions first and through words second, he wants you to know that he desperately loves you

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

He’s such a soft bestfriend it’s ridiculous. 

He would want to make sure you’re not getting involved with the wrong sort of friends

He definitely needs a background check on anyone you think is a dating candidate 

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

Loves loves loves cuddles! He’s essentially a big puppy for your attention

Ben often enjoys resting his head against your chest and wrapping his arms all the way around you so he can keep you close, hearing your heartbeat

He thinks it’s adorable when you nuzzle up against him though, you fit perfectly under his chin

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

He really wants to settle down with you, he’s lived long enough with someone else telling him what to do, he now knows he wants to be with you forever

He’s trying his best to learn some homey skills, he’s new to it though, so go easy

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It absolutely breaks his heart if he decides to leave, because even if it wasn’t the right match, he gave you every bit of his love

He does it as sweetly as possible, but still winds up crying anyway

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He is very very loyal, it’s just in his personality nature, so he’s committed

Almost immediately! He asks you to marry him very quickly, now that he can be with whoever he wants, he wants you

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Ben is beyond gentle physically, he’s not shy with his touches, just very aware that you are the light of his entire life and he doesn’t want to ruin that - as he feels he does everything

Emotionally he’s also very soft, he doesn’t want anyone to be hurt

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

He loves hugs, he loves the smell of your hair and feeling you caress him in your arms

He makes it a more than once a day occurrence 

His hugs are a deep embrace, not just a quick hug, he wants to feel your body against his

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

Again, almost instantly, he’s known for a very long time and is finally free to say exactly how he feels

So when he does confess, he confesses everything, how long he’s loved you, when he first knew he loved you etc.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Ben gets very jealous, very quickly

He gets very pouty when he’s jealous or very sad

Seeing you with other people usually leads him to feel unworthy of your attention though

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

I went into that a pretty good deal here!

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

He’s good with kids, but definitely isn’t ready for his own. He still has a lot of self discovering before he can be a father

But that doesn’t mean never

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

He loves watching the sun rise up and kiss your perfect skin in the morning.

He loves staying in bed with you, enjoying the warmth of your bodies together all cuddly

He gives you a kiss on the nose or forehead when you wake up, before a proper goodmorning kiss

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Probably cuddling and just talking to each other about things

You like to play with his hair while he talks

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

You knew every thing about him the night you helped him join the resistance, in fact you were vouched the hardest for him to be accepted.

So there’s no secrets between the two of you in your relationship

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He has a temper on him...but he’s really trying to work on it with your help

He doesn’t get mad at you though!

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Now that Ben can finally be with you he’s constantly asking questions about you, even the small things, what’s our favourite planet? What’s your favourite colour? What’s your favourite etc.

So he makes sure to remember every little thing he can

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

FINALLY being able to be together!!

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Oof he’s so protective it’s not even funny. You actually had to explain that you knew Poe before you even knew him and it’s totally just a friendship

He still glares down Poe from time to time though

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

He puts a lot of effort into dates, he wants everything to be perfect for you

And though it can be hard to exactly surprise and find new things in space, he does really really well!

When you’re planet based it’s even better!

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He wants to look his very best for you!

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He feels very incomplete without you, in fact he constantly tells you that you’ve completed him, who he truly is

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

Not very good, you’ve definitely helped in that area of his life too

He used to just stay awake in constant fear of being summoned or needed or told where to go etc.