Someone’s looking out for you ♥ (Patreon)

beau is sooo messy i'm obsessed with him. him being happy to see felix seemingly flourishing and being more confident etc but also feeling weird and almost jealous at the fact that it used to be just him that got to see felix that way. that he used to be the only reason for it. and like he KNOWS that's a messy and kind of fucked up way to think about it but he also knows he's in a really weird spot emotionally and can't help it

hyperfixating on a character who i don’t know as specifically as my other usual hyperfixation ocs is so funny there’s a guy in my head 24/7 atm but i don’t know him like that and im just like ummmmmm so what do you usually do at bedtime. do you like music? yeah i also like music.

doctor office workers love me for my polite tones and sense of whimsy

I notice that even though Citron's my fave, I spend more time here talking about Orange and Navel.

I think it's fear of being wrong.

idk if it was ok to reblog your last post so ill just write it all here but -yeah, mood, first i’ll just watch a show/play a game and be all like ‘please come watch it! You’ll have a great time it’ll enrich you’ but then i’ll project onto a character really hard or i’ll mull in over too hard and it turns into ‘no, actually, don’t watch it’ and ITS TOO LATE

Probably the reason why I actually just never talk about any interests in the first place

But whenever a friend of mine goes ‘oh i know this one’ i get defensive and it’s so fucking pathetic and cringe and such a nightmare

So yeah, total mood

oh im so glad it's not just me like it's so annoying bc you obvs cant STOP people from watching it but you know they're going to watch it differently and maybe see you differently too (or else just see more than you wanted to) and it's just so disarming in a bad way

knuckles like the echidna?😦

hehe no knuckles like KNUCKLES

also here is his mom and three of them canoodling

...

Tw religious abuse (I think??)

So I just learned that inedia is a thing with definitions and words and descriptions- I had no word to put to it growing up but essentially its the (usually but not always) religious belief that one can survive by supplementing food and sometimes water with some other life sustaining force. Such as the air, the sun, or a mystical power.

Before any of you jump on this with the eating disorder jokes, I just want you to know that this is an incredibly dangerous practice that has killed lots of people and a personally sensitive topic for me (see below)

So growing up, my family (specifically my dad) believed that if one was a good enough Christian (as in sufficiently reliant on and meditating on god or whatever) that it was possible to survive without eating. It was commonly stated that "man does not live by bread alone" in my house and it was being taken fully literally.

Thankfully my dad never actually practiced what he preached (until he got cancer at least- I'm sorry I'm resisting the urge to put 'lmao' at the end of that so hard) and I was never full-on starved. I specifically remember noting to myself that I ate at least one thing every day because I was actually trying to *stop* to prove some sort of point that I could be good enough.

As you can guess, I did in fact develop anorexia :') It's been 8 years since I first went a whole day without eating and I never found that threshold that I was looking for that would make me worthy of food or good enough. It turns out it never even existed and I put myself through this torment for nothing but a terrible lesson learned:

Everyone deserves to eat without earning it.

literally for so many reasons i should not do this program tomorrow but explaining why i can’t would be so embarrassing but also i really shouldn’t. lol

I just wanted to say !!! because I'm also transracial (asuan adopted by white europeans) and I've gotten SO tired of people associating "transracial" with racist white people who think they can just choose to be another race. So it's just really nice to see someone else who's actually transracial talking about it. I know it's not the focus of your blog but yeah, it means a lot. And you've helped me a lot with understanding psychosis, both mine and others' too. This turned into a long winded way of saying thanks for all you do on this blog, so thanks for all you do on this blog!

as an excuse to talk a little more about being transracial (specifically, indigenous canadian/Metis & transracial)...

i am not fully indigenous, i should add. i'm Metis (mixed.) because my dad's birth records were destroyed/didnt include any information on his parents and lineage (as were all of his indigenous siblings', he was born in '68 when wiping out indigenous people was Very A Thing) i have no way to reconnect with the indigenous side of my family. in fact, all we know about our indigenous side is that they lived in Saucer Bay, Ontario. i'm actually the one who found out we're Anishinaabe, and even then, Anishinaabe is a collective of all the different peoples who live in southern ontario, and there's no way for me to find out exactly where we come from. my aunt (who he found in his 20s or 30s?) has done some research but she didn't get very far either.

my dad was crazy white-washed, especially because his parents were like 40 or 50 when they adopted him, so he basically skipped a generation of parenting and is a boomer (he is literally Gen-X, but everyone who knows him agrees he doesn't act like it.) AKA, he's super fucking racist and completely rejects being indigenous. he has no interest whatsoever in reconnecting with his indigenous family.

this is all to say: because i pass so well as white, was raised white, and my dad considers himself white, even if i knew my indigenous family... i would struggle to feel okay about reconnecting with them. i would feel appropriative, gross and like i don't belong. i want to, and i also feel like if i don't, im contributing to the erasure of my own peoples' history, and i'm betraying my ancestors; contributing to the oppression that got me here in the first place. but i still just can't feel okay about it. it can be hard watching indigenous people on the internet talk about their cultures, especially Anishinaabe people. i've heard a lot of indigenous folks on the internet say that people like me ARE native, and we have a right to reconnect with them, but i just... i dont think theyre talking about me. i probably wont ever reconnect with them, even if given the opportunity. is this internalized racism? would it even be internalized? i dont know.

alright i gotta stop talking about it im gna actually cry LOL but yeah #struggle

oh fun fact! my biological grandmother on his side (the indigenous one) was in a residential mental health center! for what? dont know! schizophrenia? maybe! that would sure be useful information for me to have :0))) but thats too much to ask for apparently! /s

Huge shout-out to my colleague, who I was locked into one car for several hours a few days ago, for coming in sick as a dog to work and not because anything like "out of sick days" but because "I have fun stuff planned for the weekend and I would feel kinda bad calling in sick and then being well on the weekend again", which. Arguably noble(???) but absolutely senseless.

So shout-out: If the reason I can't hear from my ears being stuffed and swollen is because YOU COUGHED YOUR DISGUSTING THROAT GERMS ONTO ME ALL DAY, I will come to your home and kick your ass.

Don't be an ass. If you're sick and CAN stay home then DO stay home instead of infecting all your coworkers.

Also if you LIED to me and everyone and didn't actually thoroughly test yourself that it isn't Covid, I WILL tell that to our bosses, all of them.

declaring myself the only person who is normal about this one anime (closely followed by the two irl friends who made me watch it, and my mum who watches it with me, but they are not subjected to nearly as much Online stuff as I am so they are inherently more normal about things anyway)