#and THEN she deserves to get HUGGED GODDAMMIT
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actually I think in season 5 there should be a scene where Nancy is in trouble and without a gun, either out of bullets or the whole damn thing is out of reach and she gets just enough time to grab a swingable object nearby before she has to, in fact, start swinging.
I think she should get to wail on the monster that killed her best friend and dragged her teenage years into a war. I think she should get covered in blood from head to toe, screaming so hard and loud and visceral her throat goes hoarse and cracking with a sob.
I think she should keep hitting hitting hitting hitting long after the thing is dead on the ground, splattering blood and viscera and shards of broken fangs.
I thinks she should cry. I think she should get that release. I think she should all but take down a demogorgon with her bare hands because it's been years and because she's stronger now and because you turned a teenage girl into a soldier, what did you expect to happen?
I think Nancy Wheeler should get heaving, weeping, violent catharsis and I think at the end of it all? When she finally accepts the mangled body in front of her can't hurt her friends anymore?
I think she deserves to be comforted.
#dot post#nancy wheeler#nighttime nancy ramble if you please?#just thinking about how she is the first one to permanently lose someone to the upside down and she deserves to go apeshit about it#and THEN she deserves to get HUGGED GODDAMMIT#someone HUG that girl for the love of GOD
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Matthew didn’t go immediately.
When Death visited the Dreaming that day, it was just he and Lucienne she was there to see. A quick visit, she said. Informal. Just the three of them in a quiet corner of the library. Because, she said… if anyone deserved to know, it was them.
She smiled that smile of hers, and he swore something that had been broken in his little bird-sized heart started to knit back together.
He would have been gone in an instant, out the window in a flash and demands on his…er…afterlife?… be damned. But Death crooked a finger at him, and leaned down, conspiratorial, to whisper, “Matthew, give them time, okay? It won’t be easy, at first. He’s going to need it.” A quick hand stroking his back feathers, like an apology.
He coughed and studied the wood grain of the desk . “Uh…yeah. I mean…right. Of course. You…you got it, uh, Ma’am.”
But she was already gone.
So, he gave them time.
A month passed, in the Waking, by his reckoning.
How much time was time, Matthew wondered.
What did ‘time’ mean to someone who was a few billion years old? Was a month enough time for the anthropomorphic personification of everybody’s brain-stuff to become Some Guy? How did that even work, anyway? Did he need to, like, solidify? Like a pudding? Probably not the instant stuff. But what the hell did he know about pudding, he’d only ever eaten it out of a little plastic cup.
While he pondered the pudding-to-Endless equivalency method of time measurement, another month passed.
Then one evening, as he perched on one of the palace spires and watched the sun sinking down towards the rippling mirage that concealed the horizon, his patience snapped completely, without warning, and he found himself winging his way into the Waking before his own common sense could sweet talk him out of it.
He landed on the narrow sill outside of a very familiar window. Mellow lamplight spilled through the glass. He could see inside, across the comfortable living room with it’s well-worn couch and cluttered dining table, to the two figures standing together in the small kitchen.
Holy fucking shit, Matthew thought.
He lunged foreword to tap out that familiar little rhythm on the glass— shave and a haircut— and Hob was hustling over to open it in an instant, grinning like a searchlight. Then he was skidding to a stop in the middle of the kitchen counter and before him was
Before him stood
If possible, he seemed even thinner than before— whatever had happened over the past two months had happened to him hard. But he was also…softer. Was that a thing that could be? Standing in the kitchen in a faded blue (blue. blue?) tshirt and threadbare gray sweatpants and smiling. SMILING. He was Some Guy and he was looking at Matthew and smiling.
He was exactly the same. He was entirely different.
“Holy fucking shit,” Matthew said.
Dream leaned his forearms against the counter, bringing himself down to ravens-eye level and said, “Hello Matthew.”
Very eloquently, Matthew said, “Dude.” Then, the floodgates opened and he couldn’t seem to stop. “DUDE. Fuck…it’s…you! It’s you! Look at that! Holy shit! I can’t even…I mean why am I surprised I died and woke up a fucking bird but I mean…look at you!! FUCK!!” He flapped his wings emphatically and stomped, as best he could with his spindly legs. “Goddammit! These…fucking…ARRGH. No thumbs! An’ no arms! I just wanna…HOB. My dude. Would you help me out here????”
Hob, who had been standing by with the expression of someone who had sprained an internal organ with the effort not to laugh, drew a shaky breath and a hand across his mouth and stepped foreword.
“Okay, I think I see. I get you.” He stepped up to Dream, laid broad palms on his narrow shoulders, and said with great formality, “Dream…from Matthew.”
And tugged Dream forward into a crushing, bone-creaking hug, compressing the breath clean out of him.
Dream squeaked like a squeezed balloon and that…that, more than anything else, made it real.
“Yeah,” Matthew said, “That’s the stuff.”
When Hob released him a solid minute later, Dream staggered a bit and caught himself on the counter, looking slightly stunned. But the smile was back, tugging up the corners of his mouth.
“I…I thank you, Matthew,” He said. “I missed you as well.”
Matthew looked down at his skinny little bird feet, listening to the sound of his claws clicking as he fidgeted. He felt…what was this? Shy. When the hell had shy ever happened to him? Never, that’s when. Fuck that. Matthew cleared his throat and looked up at the pair standing there beaming at him under the gold kitchen lights. “So, uh. What’cha up to? Got any big plans for…uh…for your afterlife tonight?”
“Ah. Hob is teaching me how to.” Dream paused. “Not set the stove on fire. We are making—what is this?” He plucked a small box off the countertop and studied it. “Pudding. Apparently.”
The sound Matthew made would have been pppPPPpppffffftttttt if he’d had lips. Which he didn’t, so the noise that actually came out was more or less indescribable.
“It’s a step up from tinned soup,” Hob said. “Progress is being made.”
Dream slanted him a look and picked up the can of whip cream, fiddling with the nozzle. “I did make perfectly adequate tinned soup. The second time. I believe I will be more than capable of—“ The rest of the sentence was obliterated by the sound of aerosolized dairy product spurting across his face.
Dream sighed.
Hob turned around to face the refrigerator, his shoulders shaking silently, organs once again in peril.
“…Oh man,” Matthew said. “This is gonna be great.”
#Dreamling#retired dream au#the sandman netflix#hob gadling#matthew the raven#retired!Dream#why was it so hard to finish this silly little thing?#why brain why??#Dreamling fic#my writing
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Pretty please gen v jordan li x fem reader. Maybe they’re at the gala for Brink and both are having a shitty night, readers parents came to visit and are giving her a hard time. She goes out to get some fresh air and to get away from all the chaos. Jordan does the same and they find reader outside crying. Jordan begins to comfort her and they just talk and comfort each other. Just fluff and comfort and hugs and kisses:)
Thanks doll💋💋
Kisses Under the Moon's Eye
pairing: jordan li x fem! reader
tw: cursing, alcohol consumption, SHITTY PARENTS, slight self-harm but it's not really that highlighted, crying, kissing, established relationship, fluff?
description: parents can be a pain but at least you and jordan have each other.
a/n: hiii! sry this took me so long to answer i've been a little swamped. i hope you enjoy this even if i did sort change the request a bit. this was so interesting to write and honestly i do sort of need a jordan hug around now. again requests are open and thank you for reading <33
You sat awkwardly on the side as your parents and sister laughed and exchanged jokes with one of the board members at God U. It was like you were invisible to them, it had felt that way for your entire life. Always being the second option, the second choice. You fucking loved your older sister but sometimes you had the urge to strangle little Ms. Perfect. It was your second year at this damn school and somehow you were still known as El’s younger sister.
She was considered the cooler sibling out of the two of you as well. She had like a billion different powers, ranging from teleportation to matter distortion while you were left with plant manipulation and advanced healing. Not that you hate your powers or anything you just… didn’t feel like enough.
“Yeah, and then Y/N-”
“I’m sorry Y/N?” Ventured the board member as he interrupted your sister’s story, she shot you an apologetic glance but right before she could open her mouth to respond your dad cut in.
“Oh no one to worry about. Now tell me, what plans do they have for that school gymnasium?”
Their voices faded to a dull roar as your jaw dropped. You were used to having them brush you off, but in front of a member of the board? With you sitting less than a meter away from them? Fuck. Briefly you wondered if Jordan was faring better than you with their parents.
El just gave you a tight smile before she turned back to the man. A man with balding hair and an ill-fitting suit. You felt your nails dig into your palms, breaking the skin slightly until your powers kicked in. Goddammit.
You picked up the flute of champagne you had stolen, drained the bubbling liquid before standing up abruptly from the uncomfortable chair. It scraped loudly against the floor making the little group jump and finally turn to look at you.
“If you’ll excuse me.” You said, trying to keep a brave face on but you could feel a sob gurgling up in your throat. The material of your dress swished against the heels of your feet, making an itchy feeling echo through your body. You brought a nail up to your lips and started to pick into the soft flesh.
Finally the feeling of cold air hit your fevered skin as you stepped outside the gala. A fucking joke of a gala if you were being completely honest. You hadn’t known Luke as well as you probably should have because you spent so much time around the friend group but he was… nice. He was fucking nice. He didn’t deserve to be painted as a monster.
You felt a few tears finally slip from the confines of your eyes when you sat down onto the cool concrete. You were sitting right next to one of the randomly huge trees that dotted the campus, an effort by Vought to seem more ecologically friendly. You snorted wetly before you started to pull at one of the wildflowers to come up through the soil.
Your powers were like a soft blanket around your shoulders. You knew that some supes were not blessed with powers like yours, which made you extra glad sometimes that they were so “boring” even if they did make you seem like less in the eyes of your parents.
A soft huff left your mouth as your sniffles started to calm down. Your legs came up to rest beside you on the concrete platform and you dropped your head down with a thud. Briefly you wonder to what extent you could push your healing powers to, when a warm presence sat down heavily beside you.
“Seems like we’re both having a rough night, huh?” The distinct voice of your partner cut through the chilly night air.
“Fuck Jord, I’m so sorry I left you in there. I’m just-”
“No need for apologies, darling. I know how your parents can get.”
“I know how your parents can get.” You muttered as you shuffled upwards and laid your head down onto their lap. Instantly her deft fingers started to comb through your hand and trace little nonsensical patterns on your scalp.
“You’ve been crying…” Jordan says as they notice the tear tracks emphasized by the moonlight shining on the two of you.
“My parents probably wouldn’t care if I was alive or dead.” You finally choked out as another sob came out of your body. Your little wildflower tries to circle around your wrist in comfort as tears fall from your eyes again.
“I’m sure that’s not true, and if it is they don’t realize how utterly wonderful you are and how lucky they should be to have you as a daughter… I think my dad wishes I was dead.” Jordan utters, their confession coming out in whispered words.
“Hey, Jordan, no. Your dad is an asshole, never ever listen to a word he says. You are the most incredible, ethereal, smart, cool person I have ever had the pleasure to meet.” You said as you pushed yourself out of their lap and hugged their frame tightly to yours. Their arms circle tightly around your waist as you both just let yourselves cry into each other's arms.
“I don’t know what I would do without you.” Jordan mumbles into the side of your neck as they squeeze you tighter, almost like she is afraid you’ll disappear.
“I think we both would be wrecks if we didn’t have each other.” You said as you carefully pulled away so you were now leaning your forehead against Jordan’s.
“I’m really sorry about them… and Luke.” You finally say after a moment of just basking in Jordan's haze.
“I wish it wasn’t like this… for either of us.”
“I know… it’s just you and me against the world huh?” You say with a giggle, one that Jordan mirrors as they stare into your eyes.
“Forever and always.”
“Forever and always.”
You repeat back to them as your lips finally meet in a soft press. It was pure comfort, like eating chocolates after a long day. God, you were so fucking lucky. You both thought as the moon seemed to be sending a beam right towards the two of you.
also if you want to be on my gen v and/or jordan li taglist lmk and i'll add you (can't believe i forgot to do this before)
#gen v#gen v fanfic#gen v amazon#gen v spoilers#andre anderson#jordan li#marie moreau#luke riordan#golden boy#the boys#the boys fanfic#the boys tv#gen v tv#maria writes#the boys series#the boys amazon#jordan li x reader#jordan x reader#gen v x reader#jordan li x you#jordan li x y/n
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I literally love these responses so much……may I request some fluff/angst?
maybe it could be something like what each of the companions are like when they’re sad/when they cry. And what they would act like around tav. Particularly minthy shart or Karlach cuz they’re my favs but anyone else you want too
I love love love angst
How they act when they're sad
[ Bg3, Angst, nb!reader ]
[I went the full angst route, hope you like it anon]
Minthara
Sadness doesn't last long in her. It always gets transformed into anger, rage, bitterness, or contempt. Sadness is wielded like a sword, sharpened edges, and a leathery grip.
She is aware of what she's doing, of what she's fueling.
It's what helped her survive, what made her as strong-willed as she is. She saw her sisters fall to their agony, their sadness consuming their minds as Lolth giggled at the chaos their madness invited.
She swore not to fall, never to let it consume her. Survival is above all.
If you entrust her with your sadness, she will acknowledge the amount of vulnerability you've willingly showed her. She will remember it and feel greatly touched by your deep trust in her.
But all she can offer to quell your misery is the venom to poison your enemies with, to steer your hands towards the responsible necks and stand behind your back as your finger digs into their flesh, choking all those who wronged you.
Shadowheart
She was taught to indulge in her sadness, to stretch it and bury herself inside it. To let it fester and grow.
Taught that only Shar herself can calm that storm, only by darkness can you veil the wounds this cruel world left on you.
To forget is to be free, and true freedom is to become a child of the night.
She prays, whenever there's a burning in her throat, she kneels and prays to the cruel yet loving goddess, the only mother she has known.
Her faith is enough, she repeats, her faith will guide her, her faith will comfort her.
Her faith is all she has, it has to be enough. She can't afford it not being enough.
Answered or not, her prayers ease her mind in a way, make her feel less of a monster.
She can teach you, if you ever feel the need to confess and be cleansed of all these sour emotions swirling inside, she can teach and guide you.
Karlach
She hugs her teddybear. Cradling the small soft plush into her chest, against her metallic heart and squeezing.
Despite her size, she felt the smallest she had ever been. The world was too big, too harsh and too cruel. Full of betrayals and mistrust, full of disdain for her and for everything she has been forced to do.
Her tail wraps around her as she curls around herself on her bed, it gets too much at times. She wants to scream, yell at how unfair this is, how her own heart was stolen from her, the heart her own mother gave her. They took it.
She's still a person, no matter how much of a murdering tool they tried to make her, no matter how many parts they replaced and how many battles they threw her in. She is still a person goddammit, and she deserves to be treated like a person.
Even her tears cease to exist for more than mere seconds before they evaporate from the heat of her skin. Evidence of her sadness erased from the world, she doesn't even get to cry in peace, can she?
She craddles the teddybear closer, closing her eyes and surrendering to the world for just a second.
Whenever you're down, she lends her teddybear to you, it smells just like her. She can't hug you herself so this is the most she can offer, she is truly sorry soldier.
#♡shart#♡minthara#♡karlach#♡angst#bg3 angst#Shadowheart#shadowheart x reader#minthara x reader#minthara baenre#karlach x reader#karlach#angst#bg3 x reader
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I want to amend this post, I need multiple things from Criston next season (and season 3, cause why not?) or I will be rioting (in no particular order, with various levels of angst/delulu-ness):
Calling all three of his boys "son" and similarly Helaena "daughter", that or his "sweet girl/boy" both would be preferable.
kissing his kids heads/foreheads. some instances could be; kissing Aegon's forehead as he carries him away from Rook's Rest. kissing Aemond's hair as he holds him outside of Aegon's chambers, his boy thinking he killed his brother. kissing Hel's temple when he visits his grandbabies (Hel angst coming later, savor this while you can).
Criston taking a private knee to Aegon, swearing to him like he had his mother, promising a duty that goes beyond what is expected of him.
comforting Helaena as she is plagued by dreams and prophecies.
playing with his grand kids.
sitting at Aegon's bedside while he heals.
Dad jokes.
bear hugging Daeron when he returns from Oldtown, lifting him all the way off the ground.
the dad "one armed hug shared in moments of fondness and laughter" thing, with Daeron.
Daeron and Criston sharing similar quirks and habits (not necessarily a conscious act by either party, but I still need it)
helping care for Aegon, being one of the few faces that keeps him some semblance of calm after everything, helping change bandages or sponge him clean. just soft moments of pained vulnerability and softness between a dad and his grievously injured eldest son.
praying for his children.
more... handsy... with Alicent, for lack of a better word. just soft comforting touches, like you would expect partners to share with each other. her family has been maimed, murdered, and/or sent to both battle and madness, let him comfort his (platonic) wife goddammit. let them hug actually, that's what I need, I need him to hug her.
sitting with Helaena and Jaehaera after B&C, trying to comfort them the best he can. Helaena going in and out of tears, sometimes she recognizes him, sometimes she doesn't. sometimes she is heartbroken beyond words, others she is angry. no matter what, he is there to protect her. give me a scene of him holding her as well, she needs it, she deserves a hug.
threatening Larys, especially if he pulls a stunt against Alicent like I think he might, knowing he can't kill him, that he's to much of an asset than they can risk going with out, but still hating him for what he does to his Queen. (see this post to understand what I mean by stunt)
embracing Aemond and Daeron, doing the forehead touch thing, each time they go separate ways, knowing any battle could be their last.
his last words being him begging Alicent and his kids to forgive him, apologizing for failing to protect them, for leaving them.
if we do get Afterlife scenes out of this hellish show, give me a scene of him reuniting with his grandkids, kids, and eventually his (platonic) wife. I'm begging.
putting aside a knife of his own to be given to Jaehaera if and when he passes, as a final means to protect her, even from the grave.
let him be emotional, in passing, when he's alone, let him shed a tear or two. I want to see the stress ooze from this man. I want to watch as the pain and death that follows his family breaks him down.
a clear difference between how he advises Aegon in front of the court and how advises him in private. risking a daggar in the throat on account of his son's blind rage and grief to protect his image amongst the court, but sharing a similar blood lust when it comes to avenging his daughter and grandchildren.
at least one shot of him standing with one of his kids' dragons.
just give me Criston being a good dad and (platonic) husband.
#criston cole#pro criston cole#ser criston cole#alicent x criston#alicent hightower x criston cole#platonic alicole#alicole#alicent hightower#aegon ii targaryen#aegon targaryen#helaena targaryen#aemond targaryen#daeron targaryen#he's a good dad#he loves his family so fucking much#hotd#house of the dragon#pro team green#pro alicent hightower#team green
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live "tweet" books with me (via the Goodreads progress bar) pt. 5 A Court of Wings and Ruin by Sarah J. Maas
(the first two books plus Frost and Starlight can be found in part 4/4.5)
Alis and Lucian don't believe her "I was a prisoner at night court" BS for one second, and I love that for them
I'm gonna miss Alis...I love her 😭😭
I'm a very enthusiastic Lucian and Elaine fan...I want them to work, even if I know they won't
I'm also an AVID Cassian and Nesta fan....SWOON
once again declaring my absolute distaste of using males, females, and "my mate"
"oversized bat who throws temper tantrums" Nesta is an icon
"Eventually, Mor and Nesta are gonna be besties....I can feel it in my soul
would love for feyre and Nesta to finish their sister heart-to-heart
Alis better be alive somewhere bc istg if Sarah killed that sweet lady I'll riot. also, Tarquin needs to get the stick out of his ass
hehe, Nesta's worried about Cassian
BOOO HISSSSS TAMLIN
literally just fuck him, derogatory
see you used man one time and it was grand then you had to go and correct yourself...bitch ass omagaverse simp
Nesta verbally annihilating Tamlin is my new favorite thing
I'm quickly becoming Nesta's biggest fan
feyre you really just showed every single one of your cards.... those old bastards totally deserved it tho so good on you
girl, you're 20 and married...literally stfu
WOOAAHHH AFFAIR BABY LUCIAN
Nesta doesn't give two shits about the high lord title. she'll tell you to stfu if she feels like it
hehe feyre making fun of Nesta for Cassian will never not be hilarious
HA scary overgrown bat men scared of Nesta
I do not believe that Jurian is on their side, lying until proven not a jerk...also FUCK TAMLIN
you better knock it off with this Mor and Cassian tension...gross
good riddance Ianthe you bitch
not you genuinely making me feel sad about the surial....brutal
absolutely not...Mor and feyre will not be fighting about this...I refuse
awwww Amren and the summer court guy (varian)....cutie pop
SARAH IF YOU HURT SWEET ELAIN I WILL MAIM YOU
damn...if tamlin dies rn trying to redeem himself rn, I just might have to forgive him for being a fuckass
hehe sister hug
hehe elain and azriel
how I didn't realize Mor liked girl is absolutely beyond me...my gaydar is EXTREMELY lacking bc fucking duh
awwww they're holding hanndddsssss
if any one of them dies I'm gonna kill you
if Nesta kisses Cassian bc she thinks they're gonna die I'll forgive Sarah of all her sins
YUUUHH FATHER DEAREST FOR THE ABSOLUTE WIN
once again Nesta saying fuck you and your title I do as I please...icon
AMREN WTF
YAY KISSING WHEN WE THINK WERE GONNA DIE...you're not forgiven tho, not til they both live
YES ELAIN YUUUHHH
goddammit Amern 😭😭
I'm like 80% sure that Rhys doesn't actually die BUT ISTG IF HE DIES RN
AYAY RHYS STAYS ALIVE AND YAY AMREN IS NOT GONE AND YAY
shout out to Tamlin...you're officially redeemed
rip the Tamlin and Lucian bromance
(Afterthought in post-production, WTF happened to Alis. She just disappeared from the planet and I'm not amused.)
I'm starting Silver Flames tomorrow so stay tuned for then hehe (even though I literally should just do my how instead of reading lol)
#acotar#a court of wings and ruin#feyre archeron#rhysand#feyre x rhysand#elain acotar#elain x azriel#nesta archeron#nesta x cassian#goodreads#live tweeting#a court of fey and flowers#a court of silver flames#a court of mist and fury#a court of thorns and roses#cassian#morrigan acotar#azriel shadowsinger#amren acotar
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1 and 23
1. favorite fic you wrote this year
The best fic I wrote this year is resurgence (Malos-centric, Malos/Jin, Xenoblade Chronicles 2), which I know is a niche fandom and a niche story, but it's dear to my heart just because it really IS the best thing I've written in quite a while, like prose-wise.
But my favorite fic as far as "this is my baby" feelings, it's gotta be so we made the hard decision (Regis/Aulea/Titus, puppyverse AU, FFXV), which is a fic no one asked for, and therefore not a lot of people cared about, but goddammit, I've been meaning to write about that OT3 for literal YEARS and I finally got around to it. It's my favorite ship and my favorite OT3 dynamic and there's a lot of fun thoughts about disability, polyamory and just a ton of biting from three dysfunctional dipshits that, nonetheless, really fucking love each other. They deserve their happy ending even if their happy ending is full of biting each other til eternity.
I'm currently very happy with maelstrom soul, heart of stone (Zhongli/Childe, dragonheart AU, Genshin Impact) and a lot of it is "current fic" syndrome, but it's shaping up to be one of my favorites, too.
23. fics you wanted to write but didn’t
I'm treating this as a haven't yet, as a opposed to a didn't and never will: but there's companion fics for the other Genshin regions, that take place in the sake universe as the Zhongli/Childe fic. I started on the Zhongli/Childe fic, but once I'm done with that one, I'll pick up any of the other four.
The 4ggravate polycule fic I'm really looking forward to, mostly because Wanderer+Kaveh friendship is hysterical and Wanderer accidentally forcing the polycule to include Alhaitham without really realizing that's what he's doing is hilarious. It also includes my favorite scene which is Kaveh wholesale defenestrating Alhaitham right in front of Cyno, who always really thought if he ended up arresting a lover, it'd be Tighnari's ACAB ass.
There's an Inazuma fic I've been chewing on that's mostly Ayato casually dismantling the tricommission system to basically bully Ei to actually do her job and actually fucking RULE for once, and it's mostly a back and forth between him and Yae with the entirety of the Inazuma cast unwittingly or unwillingly playing the role of chess pieces. It also features a really fucking hilarious Ayato/Kokomi political marriage subplot and no one can't tell who started it or if they're pro or against it or if at any given time they're working towards or against it, and it's driving Gorou and Kujo Sara to drink heavily.
I have a few ideas for a Fontaine fic, but I'm waiting for the archon quests to wrap up before I start figuring out where the pieces go. Mostly it's about Neuvillette needing quite a few hugs, Wriothesley and Clorinde being the definition of BBF (Bisexual Besties Forever), Furina getting to be a person and failing miserably before she gets the hang of it and an eventual sappy, ridiculously saccharine Navia/Furina that triggers the "must protect!!!" instincts of anyone who happens upon it.
And there's of course the MondsDONT polycule shenanigans which is halfway done, and it's mostly Diluc navigating the codependant mess that is his partners, their partners, and Venti. Oh god, Venti. Fuck him. It's a mess. Beds are literally set on fire. Twice. It's fine.
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Darling (I hope you get this) ~ I'm enjoying tremendously your commentary as you watch IW - especially your Stephen comments😍. He never gets enough of the love he so deserves!
Stephen yelling after seeing 14 million outcomes... and nobody hugs him or anything, goddammit. I volunteer. Seriously though, he saved the freaking universe just by doing that and yet he never gets a thanks from anybody. Worse, he's blamed instead!
You know I'm with you on this. I wrote a whole fic to remind people of this and to give him the love & comfort he deserves. And ofc, I blame Feige for allowing his pet writer to completely ignore Stephen's burden, suffering, and PTSD in the movie that was supposed to be about him.
And about Gamora - the way she cries after 'killing' Thanos. I don't understand how people don't see it exactly as Zoe played it. It's catharsis, not grief or guilt. She carried the pain of everything Thanos had put her through for a almost a lifetime. Catharisis, relief, disbelief that it was all finally over. I recognize those kind of tears. I mean, who amongst us hasn't experienced such a moment?
Loving all the Steve love, too.💙
Hey dear, good to hear from you! 😉 I'm happy to know you enjoyed it, I was basically rambling last night lol
When I think of characters who have been treated unfairly by the MCU, Stephen is at the top of the list. Out of all the sacrifices and the pain he has been through, it's like the studio is allergic to allowing him to have some kind of emotional support. You and I both have the headcanon that Wong is the one who's always there for him, but it can't be anything more than a headcanon because the movies just won't give us their close friendship on-screen even though in the comics it's glorious. Stephen deserves some form of narrative protection and he can only get that if other characters acknowledge what he has done, if they defend him, if they support him.
And another thing that I despise (and there's a lot of this in MoM) is that if they're going to shine a light on his flaws and his mistakes... they should also shine a light on his virtues and his sacrifices and how much of a selfless and good man he is. It's not fair that whenever he does something wrong that's practically plastered all over but his many displays of kindness go unnoticed. It's crazy, only his fans notice! No wonder so many people think he's like Stark even though he's nothing like him. I so miss the Ancient One the way Derrickson wrote her...
Just the thought of all the pain he went through in IW being disregarded and knowing that, in canon, he's being blamed for the deaths instead of being thanked for saving the universe is truly upsetting.
Regarding Gamora, I couldn't agree more with you. That is exactly how I read it as well and I believe the writers meant to say just that, but I suppose since the rest of the movie tries so hard to show Thanos as sympathetic, a lot of people take his words as gospel - and he does say in that scene that Gamora was crying for him.
And Steve, well... I mean... I'm an absolute hopeless fangirl. I know you like him a lot too, how could we not? He's wonderful... and we only had one movie with Nomad Steve so we might as well enjoy it. We were robbed of a Steve/Stephen friendship, I would have loved them hanging out together, I think they could have been good friends. Oh well, good thing we got fanfic for that!
By the way, I can't believe you're still in shadowban, it's been so long already. I got an email with the notification of your ask but I saw nothing on the site. Not cool, staff!
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Benni Winters — Sleep Tight
GN!Reader
Warnings: Obsession, stalking, breaking and entering, Benni being a creep, photo-taking, swearing
—
• Benni was taking a risk. She slowly turns the key in the lock, pushing the door open just enough to slip her frame inside.
• It was dark, late at night, the only light coming from the moon shining though the blinds.
• She’s holding her camera, the roll empty, ready to be used. She has a smile on her lips, a drunken, needy smile.
• But she hadn’t a drop of alcohol. Not yet. She had to be sober for this.
• There you were…
• Laying so beautiful in your bed, curled up cutely. It reminded her of a kitten or puppy, sound asleep after a long day of playing.
• Benni’s body moved on it’s own, creeping closer. She slowly knelt down next to your head, raising a shaky hand.
• Holy shit you were so close, her fingers grazing your soft lips. She covered her mouth to stop herself from whimpering, lips begging to touch yours.
• “So pretty. Such a pretty baby.” Her whisper is barely audible. “Please love me. Please, goddammit, please just love me.”
• Her pleads fell into silent ears; you were fast asleep, and she wasn’t willing to wake you and get caught.
• Taking a deep breath, she raises her camera, making sure that the flash is off. The picture isn’t great, but it was better than nothing.
• Click. Click.
• She gets multiple angles, growing more and more agitated with each photo that was taken.
• She wanted you. She wanted you so fucking bad.
• All she wanted was to climb into bed with you and cuddle you tight. Her skin prickled at the thought.
• It had been so long since her last hug.
• Shaking her head, she continues taking pictures, but she’s not paying much attention as before. She just can’t stop wishing you’d wake up and tell her you love her.
• Please.
• Please!
• Doesn’t she deserve your love? When will it be her turn to be happy?!
• Benni stops her photography, sniffing gently. She wipes her eyes, soft sobs wracking up in her chest.
• “Mmm…?”
• Quickly, she flees the scene, jolted by your sudden stir. The door slams, and she sprints down the dorm corridor.
• Once she’s back in her own room, she chucks her camera on the floor and buries herself under her bedcovers. She has a long pillow that’s really mostly for decoration, but now it was her comfort.
• It was you.
• Her imagination turned this pillow into your body. She cries into your chest, imaging your hand stroking her hair, and your voice telling her how much you love her. Her grip on you is so damn tight, she promises never to let you go.
• But when she wakes up the next morning, eyes sore and throat dry, she’s distraught to see she’d fabricated your comfort. Oh well. It’s not the first time. She’ll get her way one day.
• She always does.
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Story: 5 out of 5
Smut: 2 out of 5
Drop everything and go purchase this book right now!
If you’re a fan of The Originals or True Blood, then you’re gonna LOVE this book. The magic, the forbidden romance, the heartache… ugh, it was so worth it.
I just finished this book and I’m still reeling from the last couple of chapters.
The writing is amazing, the story is great, and I’m looking forward to the inevitable fallout of everyone else finding out about a witch and vampire falling in love. There’s no way it’s over. There’s gotta be so much more to come.
Now onto my rambling thoughts...
* Bastian is giving me Elijah Mikaelson vibes and I’m here for it.
* So a slick and flirty Elijah.. still here for it 😏
* Goddamn. He’s asking a lot of her. That type of magic could really get her into some deep shit.
* Okay, so I don’t like Aunt Violetta. I don’t care how things have been… things need to change. Aster is busting her ass making spells and potions- she deserves most of the cut. Fuck everyone else.
* Oohhhh. She’s gonna help. Get your money and that dick!
* Wait… her powers can be stripped and be killed for treason..? Wtf.
* Okay, can I just hug Cassius?
* Jesus. The tension between these two is intense.
* And awww.. Bastian’s baby talking the cat 🥰
* “Believing in you has been one of the easiest decisions I’ve had to make in the past seventy years. And I’ve made a lot of decisions.” — Okay, I’m done. I’m a Bastian girl.
* Oh, the dance. The tension just keeps building.
* Goddamn. He attacked her because of a memory? Baby, what are you doing!?
* She fucking did it! She made the day-walking potion!! But it has a limit.. 😬
* I’m fucking screaming! The tension between these two is crazy. And then you go and have them both wanting to kiss… she walks away… and he puts on Somebody to Love by Queen. I’m done. Omg.
* THEY FUCKING KISSED!
* AND NOW THEY’VE BONED! I’m just so bummed he can’t bite her after the deed.
* So the potion made him somewhat human enough that he can taste coffee..? What about his sperm 😂
* Goddamn, Bastian. Having a meal in the pool, are we? 😏
* Fuck. Cassius said no to the potion? He’s really giving Finn Mikaelson vibes now.
* Holy shit. They’re gonna give their relationship a go 😨
* So the mom is still pissing me off. They really want her knocked up 😬
* Why are they so fucking adorable 😩
* Oh fuck. Why is Bastian coughing up blood?!
* Goddammit. What they had was so good. Then Bastian got greedy and Aster can’t take anymore chances.
* Holy shit. That bathroom scene 🥵
* I’m calling it right now. The vampire is going to knock up the witch.
* Fuckkkkk. He OD’d on the potion, almost died, and now Cassius is confessing that Bastian has lied this entire time about who turned him? Wtf!?
* “I have a taste for women’s blood, yes. But I have a deep seated love for only one woman. We are magic, you and me.”
* Holy fuck. The Vampire King found out 😨 It was rough with him, now what’s gonna happen when the witches find out?
* NO! Fuck, no! 😭
* Yes. Bring him back! Fuck the rules.
* And two? DOES HE MEAN TO FUCKING HEARTBEATS?! Is she pregnant?!?!?!
* What?! Her mom is on her side? Is she actually fucking decent? All they had to do was sit down and talk 🤦🏻♀️
* TWO HEARTBEATS! I was fucking right!!!!
* Please, please, please bring him back.
#the royal street witch#jenna walker#aster wildes#bastian delacroix#fantasy romance#booktok book review#booktok review#book review#vampires#witches#it kind of feels like:#the originals#true blood#the vampire diaries
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May I request a jealous moment between Ben and Sophie (I can totally see either of them saying this)“Jealous? Me? Pff. Never.”
Huge congrats on the 1k!
Words: 592 (oops)
Warnings: possible spoilers for aGoTH
Benedict hated how popular his fiancee was… she was his goddammit… she was wearing his grandmother’s engagement ring, it was them that were getting married in 5 months…
Yet he knew she deserved every bit of attention she got…
She might have retired from professional and international football to concentrate on helping find a cure for cancer, to work with him on their patronage for the charities and to do work with the Royal Family as a soon to be Princess but she was more popular than ever.
She and Kate were the nation's sweethearts, from the moment their relationships were announced the entire country was invested… wanting to know when the weddings were and the rest of it…
Everyone loved them, and he loved that people accepted her… wanted her to be there Princess but could they all just fuck off when he wanted to dance with her.
It was a bit Sports event and Sophie and Kate had managed to get a lot of ex-players and current players involved in the event and from the moment they had come in, the four of them had given their welcome… Sophie had been in demand.
Kate, being 7 months pregnant, had Anthony clucking behind her like an anxious pigeon but Sophie, she was being the life and soul of the party.
And Benedict… was left to stew in his jealousy from the side.
Sophie could see Benedict, stood off to the side, making small talk with the people that approached him but she knew he was watching her… making sure no one got handsy… making sure she was okay and she could practically see the little green monster on his back, snarling and snapping whenever someone new had come over.
She’d been a little mortified at the Ballon D’or Ceremony when he’d snapped at Cristiano Ronaldo for hugging her a “little too long” but this, watching his little pout whenever she started to make her way over to him and was waylaid by another person wanting to talk without beign growled at by Anthony, was rather hilarious.
It took nearly an hour before she was able to make her way to his side, having finally sidestepped some other pundit and she was grinning brightly “You know you’ve got no reason to be jealous?”
“Jealous? Me? Pff… Never” Benedict stammered trying to play it cool but the look she gave him made him sigh “okay… maybe a little but i’ve hardly seen you all night”
“I know my darling but it’s for a good cause… but none of them get to take me home at the end of the night do they?” Sophie asked as she caressed his cheek
“No…” he sighed
“And no one else is going to get to see the very special lingerie that i’ve got on under this dress” she whispered seductively in his ear.
“W…what…?” he gasped as he looked at her, trying to peer down the front of her dress to get a better look but she raised a hand over her chest.
“Only good Prince’s get to see… now, are you going to be a good boy for the rest of the party and dance with me? Or am I going to have to go and accept Simon Basset’s offer for a dance?” she grinned at him knowing full well what the answer was going to be.
“Over my dead body” he said as he tugged her by the hand and onto the dance floor and she giggled…
God he was so easy to play with.
#ash’s 1k follower celebration#bridgerton#Benophie drabble#Benophie#a game of two halves#benedict bridgerton#sophie beckett
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ALSO ALBERT, ANTONELLA, SANTANA, HANA AND PEDRO
OKAY LETS SEE IF THE HORNY DOESN'T SLIP PAST THIS ONE-
Albert Ritcher 🔵
Sexuality Headcanon: Bi but like the pathetic kind
Gender Headcanon: (MTF)
A ship I have with said character: I know we're past it but I think the ship of him and Eva is still so funny I'm so sorry-
A BROTP I have with said character: Giulia cuz MLM and WLW solidarity but she beats him up is the best
A NOTP I have with said character: Anyone he's currently "Dating"
A random headcanon: Probably doesn't drink stuff like cocktails in public cuz "IT'S GAY"
(Jeje Cock)
General Opinion over said character:
He's sooo baby girrrrl!! ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Antonella Parabella ⭐
Sexuality Headcanon: Bi and Aromantic, in the horniest way one can be that
Gender Headcanon: FTM but doesn't know it yet-
A ship I have with said character: Her and the Colonel
Yknow, the godess-
A BROTP I have with said character: She doesn't deserve friends
Also Giulia
A NOTP I have with said character: Al-
A random headcanon: Doesn't belive people actually fall in love, she's convinced it's just a marketing lie
General Opinion over said character:
She's so great and interesting, I can't wait to see her suffer for eternity
Rodolfo Santana ✝️
Sexuality Headcanon: Gay Gay home of sexual gay
Gender Headcanon: He's cis but like one of the good ones
A ship I have with said character:
A BROTP I have with said character: Pedro and... Well I guess you can call what Adan had a friendship-
A NOTP I have with said character: Al-
A random headcanon: Has middle life crisis every single day of his life
General Opinion over said character:
Jesús christ man, you want a blanket or something?
Hana Tojo ❤️
Sexuality Headcanon: Les beans
Gender Headcanon: Cis (But like in a might dabble on other stuff way)
A ship I have with said character: Her dead gf-
And her unrequited crush on Dani is really funny to me-
A BROTP I have with said character: Hei Ran
A NOTP I have with said character: Idk.... Al???
A random headcanon: She drowns herself on sweets everyday cuz goddammit any other addiction would make her job even harder so she has to settle for this >:[
General Opinion over said character:
Baby girrrrl I'm so sorrryyyy, come ere lemme hug youuu
Don't kill me pleaaaaaa-
Pedro Santana ☘️
Sexuality Headcanon: Bi Bi Bi Bi
Gender Headcanon: Cis but gets gnc from time to time
A ship I have with said character: Uh... Idk Adan-
A BROTP I have with said character: Rodolfo and Lui
A NOTP I have with said character: Lucía-
A random headcanon: He wears eyeshadow and eyeliner I'm sorry babe but you can't convince me of otherwise
General Opinion over said character:
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☀️🕊🦋💕 + Sybille?
ahhh thank you so much!!! this got so much longer than i had intended, so most of it’s under the cut 🙈
☀️ What makes your OC genuinely happy? A person, an item, their hobby? Where is the place they’re happiest, or most at home? What is the happiest they’ve ever been?
her younger brother, augustine! she lives for that boy and would do absolutely anything to keep him safe. the happiest she’d ever been after the death of their parents was the evening she arrived in hope county. augustine had taken the next day or two off from work to help her move in and get settled, so that first evening they just picked up food and beers from the spread eagle, and obliterated his already existing beer stash as they just sat on the porch of his little bungalow, catching up and shooting the shit late into the night. it was that evening that she looked at him, all grown up, that she went, “yeah. this place is home.”
🕊️ Would your OC ever get married or are they already wed? If they’re married, describe what their wedding was like! If not, describe their ideal wedding (or do this if you feel like it anyway!)
i don’t think she’s ever really thought much about it. the relationships she’s had never lasted much longer than a few months, and pre-enlisting, her main concern was working and saving enough money to send augustine off to college, so she didn’t have much time for meeting people. she had a few flings after enlisting, but none of them lasted, and she never really saw herself marrying any of them. she just kind of assumed it’d be a catholic wedding since that’s how she was raised, but she really doesn’t have any strong opinions about it.
that said, in the new dawn au, she gets to marry jacob (because they deserve a happy ending goddammit). tbh i think it be kind of a weird ceremony. like i think the whole ring exchange would go: 1) they make the rings for each other, and then 2) once they’re made, the exchange ceremony is them hunting each other through the woods, one last courting/proving ritual to make sure their union is true. of course, it’s significantly more lighthearted and playful than the previous times they hunted each other, and once they’ve found each other and wrestle each other to the ground/gift the rings, they return to the new eden settlement and joseph officiates things. and then the two go off on a camping/hunting trip honeymoon
🦋 If your OC could change everything (or just something) about their life would they? What would they change? What do they think would happen if they did? What would their loved ones think?
oh god. there’s a not so small part of her that wishes her father had died before he killed her mother and himself in a murder-suicide. she always thought he took the cruel coward’s way out, and she wishes that a car accident or illness got him first so that augustine could have had more time and support from their mom. and then there is also a small part of her that wishes she had killed him before everything happened. but she also knows that it would have upset their mother, and her mother would still have gotten sick and who would have taken care of augustine if she was in prison?
and then of course, more closely related to canon events, she wishes augustine hadn’t been on duty up in the whitetails the night of the reaping. sure, his home in falls end might not have been much safer, but at the very least then she would have known where he was, rather than frantically searching for him only to find out that he’d been injured and sent to joseph’s compound.
💕 How is your OC like with physical affection? What are their boundaries? Do they enjoy being touched or is that a no-go? Is there any reason behind this?
she’s not a very touchy-feely lady. unless you’re augustine. but even then, anything beyond a hug or or gentle shoulder tap/hair tousle, is rare. she generally doesn’t like being touched either and tends to flinch away from it given the trauma left behind from her father. there’s a reason why a lot of her early “flirting” with jacob involves a fair amount of wrestling and close quarters combat. she wanted to touch him/him to touch her, but she doesn’t know how to ask for that and the fact that they’re on opposing sides of a holy war really doesn’t make things easier. touch and physical affection is something the two of them kind of slowly learn how to enjoy from each other and it becomes easier and more natural with time, but it was definitely very awkward (and occasionally outright violent) at first. but what would you expect from two stoics who have a hard time expressing their softer emotions.
#oc: deputy sybille la roux#since two of those questions dip into shippy territory :)))#natesofrellis#r: define your meaning of war
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chicago pd 10x12
im not ready in the slightest
i do not want to see sean o’neal’s ass on my screen
this beginning is great
hailey sleeping in a bed by herself
OH MY GOD WAIT
HAILEY AND VANNESSA
MY BABIES
WE DESERVED MORE OF THEM
im going feral over a picture
these piCTURES
is that a picture of jay as a kid???
I WANTED TO SEE IT MORE CLOSELY
ALL OF JAYS STUFF
IS COFFEE MUG
good god
o’neal
back the fuck up
nobody likes you
god
hailey
my GOD
JAY PICK UP THE GODDAMN PHONE
COME ON HALSTEAD
SHE DESERVES SO MUCH BETTER
hailey excitedly looking at the phone only for it to be county jail???
im done
i can't
trudyyyyyy
trudy and hailey my mother-daughter duo
GOD SHES STILL WEARING THE RING
IM IN PAIN
oh fuck you
i hate you
so much
so so so so much
like
fuck off
ugh
‘you came’
SHUT YOUR ASS UP
NOW
oh my god
i hate him so much
and hes barely said anything
‘there is no you and me!’
HER VOICE BREAKING
THE TEARS IN HER EYES
attagirl hailey
as you fuckin should
‘things you could use’
i'll use your face to mop the fuckin floor with your blood
no
stop it
CHICAGO PD
LEAVE HER ALONE GODDAMMIT
i hope you die
genuinely
dammit this isn't gonna go well
hes telling the truth
i don't want him to be telling the truth
but he is
i can feel it
this is already scaring me and she hasn't gone inside yet
OH MY GOD BLOOD
hailey please be careful
what the fuck?
what's this
OH MY GOD
WHATS HAPPENING
no this poor child
noooooooo
im emotionally invested already
agh
why must this hurt me so much
hailey being a compassionate, lovely person
i love her
aW GOD
THIS POOR CHILD
he is scarred
truly
seeing voight interact with this child is truly heart-warming
i wanna see him interact with his grand
whatever happened with olive and little baby daniel anyways?
goddammit
im hurT
callum is gonna get hurt at some point during this episode, isn't he?
HIS HAND WAS SHAKING
THIS POOR KID
oh the hug
im too weak
stop
‘creepy clown masks’
i hate it
so much
this kid is a good actor
trudyyyy
i always love seeing trudy interact with kids
oh god
voight sending hailey back to sean
i don't like it
oh a lovely start
sean
shut the fucK UP
i hate him
so so so so so so much
i want to kill him
SEAN
LEAVE HER ALONE
no
don't trust him
fucker
ill murder you in your sleep
ugh
ew
‘to share them with me’
the look of disgust on everyone’s face
lovely
i despise all of this
the father of samantha’s here
yay
more pain
good god
lady
shut the fuck up about my wife
she did not ask for this
‘hes a psychopath’
and what are you exactly?
kim and adammmm
the look of murder on lim’s face is so true
i love it
‘i will get it all... for you’
SHUT THE FUCK UP
adam looks like he wants to punch him
id pay good money to see that
this isn't gonna end well
i do not like this conversation
not in the slightest
oh ew
no
no
no
disgusting
*gagging sounds*
im gonna throw up
actually
ugh
no
stop
stoP IT
E W
S T O P
no
im actually so repulsed
i will throw up
hailey
don't do something stupid
or rash
oh good
he stopped
my skin is still crawling
nope nvm
its still crawling
i wanna tear my hair out
father
tell the truth
please
oh god
god im actually gonna throw up
TELL THE TRUTH RICHARD
P L EA SE
TELL THE TR U T H
oh lovely
somethings gonna go wrong
and she won't be there
or she’ll be dead
please keep my babies safe
please
she isn't there
i fuckin knew it
so fuckin convenient
how do the becks fit?
richard beck prolly did something
tell the truth man
please
help t h e m
yea richard
why are you lying
tell the goddamn truth
hailey’s gonna come with some sort drop on richard
oh no nvm
its something else
something’s gonna go wrong here too
yay
shootout
I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING TO GO WRONG
joy
one of them’s dead
this chase isn't gonna end well
something’s gonna happen
oh lovely
the van flipped
what're the chances both of them are dead?
oh gunshots
yay
oh samantha
my poor child
oh no
noooooo
samantha
god
i want an explanation to all of this
don't lie samantha
how convenient that both of them are dead
this is something else
i knew that there’s something wrong with the dad
‘you want us to keep an eye on him?’
‘you’re damn right’
lovely
can't wait to see where this goes
its gonna come up later, i can feel it
how come her HUSBANDs name in her phone is ‘jay halstead’
it should've been ‘hubby’
or ‘handsome’
or ‘baby’
or ‘detective hotstead’
dammit
hailey getting so excited with the phone ringing only to find out that its the county jail
‘my husband is jay halstead’
IM CRYING
her voice breaking and shaking
im not okay
no
shes about to cry
EXTENSION????
NO
PLEASE NO
IM CRYING
STOP
STOP
STOP
NO THE RING
STOP IT
I HATE EVERYTHING
sean i despise you with everything that i have
i would like to kill you
god that scar on his head scares me
sean
shut the fuck up
idk how many times ive said that
but shut up
‘its a good speech but youre giving it to the wrong person’
IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE A REFERENCE TO JAY??
CUZ ILL KILL HIM
chicago pd writers better sleep with one eye open
im coming for you
#*kissy kissy* watches chicago pd#chicago pd 10x12#chicago pd spoilers#hailey upton#adam ruzek#hank voight#kim burgess#dante torres#trudy platt
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ABILITIES & SUPER-POWERED PROMPTS » ACCEPTING
@fallesto asked: ❝ you have to slow down and take care of yourself too. if you run yourself into the ground then you’re not gonna be helping anyone. ❞
Perhaps it would be fair to say that that Nicolette had been overworking herself, just a tad, as of late. On top of all the missions assigned to her without much break in between, she’d been trying her best to continue training under Shinjuro whenever both were lucky enough to be at the manor together, even if just for a day, and when they weren’t, she would take it upon herself to assist in training those boys Kyojuro had become so fond of. It was true that she had learned a lot from the eldest Rengoku during her convalescence, but it’d be foolish to believe that he’d taught her everything he could, even in that lengthy timespan. Even if it was going over something he’d already shown her, one could never question the importance of a repeat lesson. Sometimes it was required, to grasp the knowledge fully, and other times it simply helped to have a refresher from someone so much wiser than her. She could never stop bettering herself. Not because of some heroic complex or some innate thirst for power, but because of one simple truth: to stop getting stronger— to cease progressing in anyway— would be the same as welcoming death.
The demons were growing smarter with every passing day, and if the hashira had any hope of surviving the ongoing war and returning home after each grueling mission, she could not allow herself to become complacent. She’d made a promise, not just to each Rengoku, but to herself. She would live, even if she had to break herself down to do it. She’d confidently informed Shinjuro of that back when he’d told her she was fated to die, assured Senjuro of it every time she had to hug him goodbye before a mission, and she’d sworn it to Kyojuro the moment she’d been cleared to return to work. She would live, and she would retire happily with him, without a shadow of doubt.
Still... she was only human. It was no surprise that all her running would catch up to her time to time. Her body was tired, but her mind struggled to calm down. It never could, these days. The weight... it was a lot to shoulder. It was hard. Things were becoming more hectic, and she couldn’t help but feel anxious and on edge almost all the time. It was easier when she could distract herself, but apparently Shinjuro wasn’t satisfied acting as the distraction, right now. Maybe she deserved it, as she’d had her sword knocked from her hands and gotten thrown on her ass with a move that she’d countered a hundred times before. She was faltering, exhausted both physically and mentally, and it was clear as day to him. She was an idiot, for thinking it wouldn’t.
If anyone understood what she was feeling... it was him, wasn’t it?
❝ You’re the last person I expected... to tell me to RELAX. Jesus, do I really look that terrible? ❞ It was an attempt at a joke, as she still hadn’t quite grown away from the instinct of using humor to cope, but the expression on his face told her that he especially wasn’t in the mood to indulge her. Damn... she really did look that bad, then. Nicolette could only sigh, not even bothering to stand up as she sat crisscrossed in the dirt, hands wringing pathetically in her lap and shoulders sagged. She could not meet his intense, burning gaze. Goddammit, he was so much worse than Kyojuro sometimes, with how much he could see through her bullshit, and he was never as gentle about calling her out on it, either. ❝ Sorry... I’m not trying to waste your time, I just— ❞ Eyes closed, squeezing shut tightly, as scarred hands raised to cover her face, fingernails pressing painfully into her forehead as a grounding method. Deep breath. In and out. There was a strangled laugh, and she forced herself to continue, ❝ I mean, what am I supposed to say? It’s hard? I’m scared? I don’t have the luxury of whining about shit like that... I’m not the only one suffering, and I’m sure you’re the last person that wants to hear it. ❞
Father-figure or not, Shinjuro was not her parent... he had never been tender or doting with her, and he had no reason to be. She was a grown woman, and one that shared the same responsibility as him and every other slayer in the corps. Acting like this was just pathetic, even if she desperately wanted to let it out. She could not confide in this to him. She could not confide in Senjuro either, as he was much too young, to be shouldering her adult problems. The only one was Kyojuro, and how could she ever... put this on him? How could she tell him how afraid she was of dying and leaving him behind, when she would have to turn around and leave him the next day? How cruel would it be, to aggravate fears he most certainly already had, when he could no longer stand beside her to ensure the worst case scenario never happened? She was afraid. Afraid of dying, afraid of hurting him by being afraid, and even worse... hurting him by being too afraid to be honest. ❝ Can we please just get back to training? There’s no point... in talking about this. I’m not in the mood to be mocked, either. ❞
#fallesto#[ HAHA... OUCHIE!! ]#[ looks like nicolette learned one-too-many lessons from kyojuro ]#↳ ASKS ❛ since you’re lookin i’ll put on a fuckin show ❜#↳ VERSE ; KNY: SLAYER || ❛ every time i break theres just more pain to burn ❜
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Do you think i'm crazy?
Originally Published Jul 24th, 2017
Do you think I’m crazy?
Because my therapist does.
I’d like to preface this with a quick thank you, to the internet. Specifically weird facebook, specifically aesthetes. Thanks for giving me space to completely ignore my own shitty shitty thoughts and delve into a more reformed sense of self-deprecation and great humor. Thank you, mr. skeletal
I’d also like to say that it is close to a miracle that i am still here, and alive. If you told me when i was 12 that i would actually make it to see 20, it wouldn’t have made sense.
Depression creeps. It creeps up on you like lights dimming in a theater. Your eyesight gets fuzzy and your breathing slows down and you let your mind set into a new reality. Depressed is a word I learned early but never actually used, because from what i understood about the word, if you are depressed, you need help.
Help isn’t a hug or a smile or someone who wants whats best for you: help is a waiting room with no one in it. Help is a 3 page consent form and no family vacations because you have to pay for therapy. I never ask for help anymore.
Moreso depression is the feeling that help cannot come, it is not available to you and it never will be. it is hopelessness, helplessness, loneliness incarnate. I am in love but I am lonely. There are places to go for help — but I can’t.
Can’t. Can’t means a lot more when you talk about yourself. It’s a reflection of what you think you ought to be doing, and how much you believe in yourself. If someone says that you are qualified and you say you can’t, the idea is that you are being modest, because you can! you, are qualified, able. Can’t is a failsafe. Can’t will get you nowhere. Cannot’s have not gotten many people anything they deserve in life. However with depression, it seems like you can’t be deserving of anything.
I constantly find myself apologizing.
One time I apologized to a woman, for opening my backpack and getting my notebook out, though it had nothing to do with her and she wasn’t in the way at all but i felt compelled to admit that i’d been so foolish and stupid and dumb, moronic and unfit for society because my notebook was in my bag, not my hands. She laughed at me and told me not to apologize, so i apologized again, cursing myself for being so stupid as to apologize to someone who clearly didn’t care. Apologizing for existing, in my experience, is the most intense rejection of self.
It’s hard to do things for yourself when you’re feeling undeserving. Bathing, brushing your hair and putting on a full outfit. Making breakfast, lunch or dinner. Making a Healthy breakfast, lunch or dinner. Making plans. Going to the grocery store. Going to the pharmacy, going to your friends, going to the kitchen, going to the mailbox. getting out of bed, cleaning your room, smiling, hobbies, calling your parents. Every little thing feels like a to-do list written in the worst handwriting imaginable. By even trying to get started, sometimes, it becomes too much to bear. and we break, and we curl back up in the blankets, and promise to try again tomorrow.
If i could explain anxiety, I probably wouldn’t have a headache right now. I wouldn’t be afraid to go outside if anxiety had a cause/effect kind of spiel, but instead anxiety is best defined as Jean-Paul Satre’s hell: a feeling you cannot escape. Anxiety is getting off the bus one stop early because you don’t want to miss your stop and you’re not confident enough that when you press the button, it will work. Anxiety is spending 2 hours getting ready for a party and spending more time trying to convince your friends to leave than actually enjoying yourself. Anxiety, goddammit its that feeling you get when you don’t know whether you completely aced that math test or if you got every question wrong and it keeps you up for three days only to go into class and find out that on the way to work, your professor had her window open and all of the papers flew out, so you have to take a make-up test that day. It’s wasted energy because your body can’t think straight.
Somedays i can’t leave the house. Makes it hard to have a job and class and friends when that happens. It’s never as bad as I expect, but expectations are our own form of realities, so when I make it back after my scrimmages I find myself, exhausted.
Why did I do that
Why did I do that
Why did I do that
Why did I do that
Why
Did I
Do that
(why did I do that?)
Every scenario you wonder why it went wrong, every scenario it is your fault why it went wrong. It’s schrodinger’s predicament, as it may or may not have happened in the way you believe it did, but you will never really know what happened until you peel back the lid that you’ve closed tight on yet another experience that haunts you, like if you forgot the name of the person’s birthday party you were at, or rather, you weren’t sure of you’d forgotten it, so you tried so hard to avoid using any name to refer to them all night that you ended up hiding behind the snack bowl, hoping to listen in on a conversation that would open your mind up to the realization that you were right about this person’s name the whole time.
Every layer you reveal is another one of your close friends, verbally giving you a pat on the back “don’t worry about it, it’s really fine.” If I had a genie, if genies exist, someone should ask for a redefinition of the word “fine”
Is it fine that I spilled some water on my lap at dinner? Or is it fine if I knocked the whole pitcher over. Is it ok? Or is it just “fine”? With the redefinition of fine I believe I’ll find myself at ease a lot more, but then everything will not be fine.
I started to carry around reminders about how insignificant some problems are, however the panic sets in before I can get my shaky little fingers around the crumpled up fortune in my pocket.
At the end of it all, im grateful for a mind able to dissect my own faults and frenzies, grateful that I am not debilitated by such fears and feelings.
At the end of it all I still breathe and walk around, I brushed my teeth today and even though at the end of the day I don’t think anyone really gets what I’m saying,
At the end of it all, it will be ok.
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