#and Just realized i was trans too and i started dating my friend who guess what? was all of those things too
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my dyke flag.
heya, folks. lilith of magical-mogai here, to talk about something i made. a flag, to be specific.
for the past four years i've struggled with the words lesbian and dyke. at first i felt connected to both! then dyke lost its appeal and i became just a lesbian, and i was... fine with it for a while, i think?
then about two years ago, i started to distance myself from the online queer community. i still had an off-and-on mogai hyperfixation, but i was just so sad, to put it bluntly. i couldn't find where i belonged, even in the community about belonging. even when i made my own labels, i'd never be able to check off all the tiny boxes that made me feel seen. i never was what i expected to be, in any way.
overall i started to slip from labels, as a whole.
i called myself a lesbian in front of my friends who i knew wouldn't get it, but in private i tried the words "queersbian", queer, "lesbiqueer", about every combination i could make without having to call myself a dyke.
then for a while, i just let the question go unanswered. what am i? gay, i guess? i think? i let it be a question, and i found comfort in that.
eventually i came back to the word dyke. and left. then came back again. and again. and again and again and again until i couldn't deny its presence in my identity anymore.
and even then i still did. so i called myself bi for a bit. tried it out, worked through the preconceptions i had of bisexuality, and tried to ignore the weird feeling it always left in my mouth to call myself bi.
i met other queer people in the real world. old trans people, those who dont call themselves anything, a lesbian married to a man, bi girls who only date men, trans men with husbands who call themselves straight, everyone who i at one point (shamefully) tried to recategorize in my brain to fit my view of the world, and i just accepted them as they were.
so eventually, i too tried to accept that i was just bi, but i realized that i was just... wrong. all of a sudden i knew that i was going off a label i THOUGHT should fit, not the one that did.
so i came back to dyke.
and i looked for a dyke flag, something to proudly display on my wall, but found lesbian flags. and gay flags. and queer flags. i didn't find anything i felt myself in.
so i made a flag.
using a light pink, purple, and blue color palette, and featuring two interlocking venus symbols, here it is. my dyke flag.
use it if you want, or don't. or design your own, or don't. make yourself feel seen however you need to.
so here it is. my dyke flag.
maybe in two years i'll come back and laugh and go "wow, she got it WRONG." but for now, here i am. here it is.
my dyke flag.
#my dyke flag#dyke#dyke pride#dykeposting#dyke posting#vent?? i guess#ramble at least#lesbian#flag tag#label tag
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Pageboy Readthrough, Part Eleven
All the previous parts can be found here.
Previously
EP goes to Oregon and learns about Permaculture
EP is extremely closeted
EP gets shingles while making Inception
that's it
Now
Chapter Fifteen
EP dates a woman who is very closeted
they have a wonderful, very closeted relationship
eventually they realize it's not going to work out
later EP sees her at a party with a man
the chapter ends with the line Someone will break your heart but you will break one too.
Chapter Sixteen
we jump back to EP's childhood; she asks to be allowed to play soccer with the coed league one extra year, which is granted
"not precisely meaning it" but telling the truth all the same
EP talks abut moving into puberty and hating periods, needing a bra, etc., which I'm sure literally only affected her and has nothing to do with how almost every other teenage girl on the planet feels
two things here: 1) "other boys" sure EP; 2) "euphoria" - using "euphoria" to describe oneself or one's gender did not start when EP was a kid and even so, kids don't think that way about themselves, as "euphoric"... that's a very adult, usually trans, way of looking at things and it's pretentious. Ask me when I've ever felt "euphoric" about my body and I'll probably say playing roller derby or swimming, or maybe running pushing my sister in a 5K, and even then "euphoric" seems far too grand and, again, pretentious, for what I felt. I felt confident, I felt powerful, I felt happy, and those were the words I'd use.
a third thing, I guess - it's distressing to learn that one's body no longer fits clothes one enjoyed, but life sometimes is like that, and one learns that boys and girls can wear shorts, pants, T-shirts, etc. This period of time didn't mean needing to give up wearing certain clothes or to start wearing other clothes. It just meant EP would have to purchase them from the dreaded "girls" section
EP talks about going to a friend's house and being permitted to wear swim trunks as a kid, which she describes in a tone nearly orgasmic
... y'know girls and women can wear swim trunks too, EP? I swim in them.
this regressive "gender is clothes" gets me every time I read this and for some reason I always forget how dumb it is
EP meets a gay man:
you recognized yourself in a gay man? the kind of gay man who's on TV, so a collection of stereotypes? EP, even now you don't act like that, so what were you recognizing in this man?
(also, does this man know you wrote about him this way? I'd hate to find myself written about in this manner by someone I barely knew - "She was the kind of lesbian they showed on TV sometimes. The way she dressed comfortably, the way she didn't shave her legs, the way she talked about flea markets, the way she listened to Julien Baker, the way she moved... a lesbian person, you know, like a normal human woman." Jesus Christ. I'd want the book burned.)
EP goes to a water park with a friend:
EP I swear to all that is good and holy I need you to stop referring to other people as "queers" without their permission. Don't ask me how I know, but I know this person would not want to be referred to as "a queer" in your book. Why the fuck would you do this? And you weren't "a queer" at age nine, you were a girl with short hair.
And yes, once again, women can wear swim trunks and in certain places go around with their chests out. I wear swim trunks and rash guards to swim. Once again, gender is just clothes.
EP goes into how euphoric she is to not have to wear a shirt and how she can wear swim trunks and swim and feel the sun on her body or whatever.
be careful with your scars, sunburns will fuck them up
I will admit here that this part, while so weirdly enraging and confusing like the rest of the book, made me feel unhappy and jealous for a couple of reasons. First is that my own BDD and dysphoria have made it hard to want to look at my own body or feel neutral, let alone euphoric, about it. When I'm swimming I don't care, because my body's in the water and it's doing things, but in general I hate everything around it - getting dressed in the Y locker room, peeling off my heavy, stuck swim clothes afterwards, etc. I am deeply jealous of someone who feels so comfortable in their own skin that way.
Second I'm unhappy because I wonder how things would have turned out if I'd been born just a few years later. I'm too old for a school-age diagnosis of autism, too old for knowing what "lesbian" meant in elementary school, too old for discussions about gender amongst my friends. I don't like to think that I would have been pushed in the direction of "trans'ing my gender" if I was among the youths now, but I don't know who I'd be, either.
I am glad that no matter how much I hate my own body from time to time, I know that no matter how much I change it, I'll still always be me. I'll still always be female. My body is more than the nebulous, unnecessary concept of "gender" - it allows me to do the things I want, to love the people I care about, to show up for work - my body is me. I have time to learn how to love my body for what it is.
This book makes me fucking maudlin.
#ellie's ep posting#pageboy readthrough#radblr#radical feminism#terfs do touch#terfblr#lesbian#gender critical
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One of the most frustrating part of my transition has been giving myself the respect others have freely. I have had many boyfriends, most cis guys because I don’t like dating other trans guys, and for the longest time (honestly don’t even know what cause this? My guess is how many posts saying people will get it [my name and pronouns] eventually.) I dated men who invalidated my gender identity and constantly called me their girlfriend despite meeting me after my social transition.
This happened in friendships too, friends who only knew me as a guy suddenly couldn’t use my pronouns or name because I’d finally cracked down on people who flat out didn’t. And most of it was intentional.
I’d start dating someone and they’d suddenly start calling me their girlfriend and she/her but still used my name. A male name. It was so confusing and I hated it, but I put up with it because I thought they needed more time to adjust.
this was so common for a long time that I thought it was just normal for other gay trans guys to train their boyfriends into using their pronouns and term. And I was tired of it by a point. But I thought that it was so normal to the point where when my current boyfriend immediately respected my name, pronouns and the term I prefer, I was dumbfounded. Like, it took me time to get used to him using the terms I preferred because no one had.
I was so mad when I realized what happened, that I let people train me into accepting that they could walk over my identity and I wouldn’t do shit about it. I still think about it from time to time and it’s genuinely infuriating.
My exes would never make jokes about my transness (publicly or privately) and they always avoided talking about it with me and everyone else. My boyfriend talks about me like I am and jokes about it with me and it feels so good because I know he isn’t ashamed of me. I know he’s not trying to hide me away because I’m abnormal. He’s honestly the best person I’ve ever been with, and I’m not just saying that because he’s the first to genuinely accept me in a relationship I love.
anyway, there’s my journey in relationships, hope ya had fun on this journey of words
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could you write something about knocking up a trans man who passes completely, so when he quickly grows, it's hard not to notice how clearly pregnant he looks? i'd love if the trans man could be embarrassed or ashamed even, while his partner is overly proud and can't keep his hands off of his pregnant partner (absolutely love your acc btw... one of the best!!)
I'm so glad to hear it! ❤️ Thank you for the lovely prompt.
I'll never forget the day you moved into the apartment across from mine.
You were strong, well-built, and so stereotypically masculine that I'd have never guessed the secret you hid under your clothes. Your easy smile and unmistakable laugh drew me in, and the lean lines of your body and the fantastic ass beneath your jeans caught my gaze more often than I wanted to admit. So yeah, I looked. I looked a lot.
Hell, I wanted you.
A casual invite for pizza turned into afternoons spent playing Warhammer, which turned into movie nights, which got completely out of control the night I brought beers and tried to use the liquid courage to initiate a hand job. Fuck did that grow awkward. But once you explained the situation and I admitted that I didn't care what you had in your pants, things sort of spiraled from there.
We probably should have been more careful, but we were a pair of horny guys who hadn't gotten laid in far too long, and neither of us realized just how long those condoms had been out of date.
The months that passed by afterward were some of the hottest of my life. We fucked like bunnies every chance we got, started dating, and eventually moved in together in one hell of a whirlwind romance. Nobody knew your secret except for me, and the fact that you lived so deeply in stealth is probably one of the reasons why neither of us pegged your 'weight gain' for what it really was. That and the fact that you were on T and didn't bleed, but still. It was pretty irresponsible of us, but the thought of pregnancy just wasn't a blip on the radar for two guys like us.
But irresponsible or not, the passing months soon revealed the truth, and by then there wasn't anything we could do but deal with the fact that I'd knocked you up.
There really was no hiding it, and you were mortified. No one could mistake the shape and size of your rapidly-growing belly as anything other than a pregnancy, and it didn’t long for our friends and neighbors to find out the truth about you and what'd happened. Thankfully most of them were pretty chill about it and nobody gave you a hard time, at least not while I was around as your (very obvious) protector. That didn't stop you from turning into a hermit and trying to avoid going out, ashamed that our little 'oops' had outed you to the community at large.
I just wish you could see you the way I did.
Brave, resilient, and ridiculously handsome with our child growing in your swollen womb, I can't keep my eyes off of you. You're just another man to me, just with slightly different plumbing than most, and I can't even begin to tell you how awed I am by the fact that you're gonna make me a dad. A dad!
And rather than disgust me, your changing body is so fucking hot that I can barely stand it. If your womb wasn't already occupied, I'd probably have already put another baby in there, as often as you've been spreading your legs for me lately.
I know you don't like the way you look right now, but dude… you're so perfect.
#hush answers#pregnancy kink#tpreg#trans pregnancy#male pregnancy#mpreg#ftm pregnancy#hush writes preg
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is it (internally too I guess) transphobic of me to be cautious dating someone who just started transitioning?
I don't want my opinions and preferences on how femmes look to be a factor as a tme non-binary femme. I don't want or need her to change herself (or not!) in a certain way, to be clear; I just assume that attraction can fluctuate for both of us and she is the kind of person to take relationships seriously quite quickly. can't tell if I'm overthinking it.
if that's too specific and/or obviously fucked up (I'm honestly not sure) I'm super sorry. my gender presentation stuff is a hornet's nest I am not addressing as nothing helps so I'm really happy for her.
thanks for reading
I think this is actually a really lovely and conscientious question and that your fears are reasonably founded!
The early years of transition are quite emotionally perilous for people and they try our romantic relationships quite heavily; there's a reason I've seen prominent trans people on Twitter claiming that you should end your relationship the moment you come out and begin to transition. I don't fully agree with that advice, but I think a lot of people who try to bluster through an existing relationship while transitioning do end up living to regret it, myself included. I tried to transition gradually to make all the shifts bearable for my partner and me, but that only fomented resentment and insecurity on my end and complete bafflement about how far this was all gonna "go" on my ex's end and ultimately it just meant we drifted apart painfully over the course of years instead of swiftly. it wasn't pretty.
During the first couple of years of transition, people try on all kinds of new styles and presentations, explore new sexual roles, try on different mannerisms, join new friend groups, adopt new self-narratives and frames on past events, and much more. And it's also an incredibly vulnerable time in terms of physical safety out in public AND emotional safety in bearing one's evolving self to close loved ones, and even the slightest reaction from another person can have massive ripple-effects on how we view ourselves and the 'success' of our transitions for a long period afterward.
I think it's very wise and appropriate for you to be concerned that your own reactions to your partner's transition might unduly influence them! I have seen T4T couples with bad boundaries erupt into chaos over this kind of thing in so many ways.
Sometimes the babier trans in the relationship molds herself too much on her more seasoned partner's transition and personal style. Other times, the babier trans leans heavily on the more experienced trans partner for advice and psychological transition related doula-ing, leaving the more experienced trans partner feeling used (Casey Plett has a lot of short stories about this dynamic! check out A Dream of a Woman for a story about a trans girl who becomes disillusioned with her cute, sweet, perfectly supportive cis boyfriend the moment she realizes he isn't so cis, and then ends things). I've even seen trans-trans couples break up in a hail of drama and abuse accusations, all because one partner was triggered by the (misgendering kink) porn preferences of the other partner.
There are so many ways to be trans, and each one of us who has been trans for a while has a lot of strong opinions about the subject. Even if in theory we support the body autonomy and self-expression of every other trans person, in practice we come to relationships with a mess of dysphoria triggers, trauma responses, aesthetic preferences, medical know-how, load-bearing neuroses, and sexual role hang ups to bear, and sometimes when our existing soft spots bash up against a newly-transitioning person's raw wounds, it hurts everybody.
I think it might be easier for you to know this newly-out trans person as a friend than as a romantic partner at this time. It sounds like your gut is telling you something like that, too. You mentioned that she gets attached very quickly. She's in a really open, raw position right now and will probably need a lot of support as she transitions, and she might also be really desperate for approval and for feelings of safety because of it too. And you're not bad or transphobic for wanting to avoid getting wrapped up in all that.
I think it's really big of you to recognize you have your own hang-ups and that they might unconsciously influence her and how her transition goes, too. a lot of trans people don't interrogate how their own expectations and baggage might radiate into their partners (for instance, a lot of TME nonbinaries with trans femme partners pressure those partners into staying masculine to some degree, and keeping their penises sexually available to them for penetration, and it's really harrowing and traumatic). I don't get the vibe you're the type to do anything like that and I don't even know if you're TME, but you get the idea. Trans people aren't inherently pure, we hurt one another and turn one another into symbols of what we desire and what we fear and what's hurt us when really we should be regarding each other as distinct people.
It's fine to not want to date someone newly transitioning. Do you know how many gay people I've met who've said they'll never date newly out or questioning people again? A ton! Being with someone who is newly out requires a lot of patience and emotional caretaking, and some people have no taste for that or aren't equipped to do it, and that's fine. I'd be disinclined to date someone newly out for the most part too, at least if they were also trans masc. I'd be too afraid of accidentally punishing them for reminding me of my earlier self, and that's not fair.
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i think i have deduced, that yes, i am aromantic. all of my "romantic" relationships were just bpd obsession, and i even "fell out of love" with some of them (fell away from the obsession is all) SO.. yeah
literally EVERY SINGLE ONE was like this. the only one i ever felt any sort of 'real' love for was the guy that groomed me, and. YOU KNOW HOW THAT GOES lmao
i was telling my friends but no it reallyjust. i dated this girl for a bit a long time ago and i broke things off because she was matching pfp and drawing her sona with someone elses (i was very young SKFS) and like. that is such typical bpd behavior. i thought i loved her, and i did!! i did definitely, but not romantically. i was just kind of obsessed with her in typical FP fashion and took her interacting friendly with her friend as rejection and betrayal 💀
that shit sucked too, i realized i fucked up but i didnt understand why i even felt that way to begin with so i never properly tied things up. we're mutuals on toyhouse tho and started interacting with eachother more, glad to know shes doin well 👍👍
i swear though, this feeling like. it makes me question my bisexuality??? cuz in my head im like im bisexual yes, have been always will be, but why am i not wanting to date girls? i guess that means im faking and just a gay guy which in reality just means im a straight girl (dysphoria talking) but no i am bisexual! i just dont want to date ANYONE SKJFS
i do have a strong preference for men, but like. im attracted to both. i have more fantasies of dating men because being gay is fun, but i realistically wouldnt date anyone SKJFSF
it feels really good to figure this shit out cuz like yeah it does weigh on my other shit and bother me
also i think i just dont like cis people??? KSFJS maybe? cuz.. IDK cis people kinda scary like idk i heard too much about them sexualizing trans folk and all that........ like can i trust someone whos not trans to handle me yknow what i mean SDKFSJF it feels like no
its in the same vein as me not wanting to date anyone if they arent also part of a system because its already so... it just makes us feel shameful tbh. like none of my headmates interact with my friends anymore because i mean. we have bpd and even if they act different about it, theyll still read the same rejection that i do, but for them its different because they dont really know them? i mean my alters know my friends, but my friends dont know them, so we just hide it now. they know and are supportive but we hide it regardless cuz it just feels ? IDK im particular i hate feeling like my heart is on my sleeve or whatever, hate feeling any sort of vulnerable and that makes me feel that way yknow? anyways im done talking now SKFJ
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dirk (and dustin if u want) for the ask meme? :3
hell yeah!!
Dirk:
Sexuality Headcanon: gay, i enjoy other headcanons for him too but the version of Dirk that lives in my head is definitely homosexual/homoromantic, just feels so right to me. im thinking of putting him on the asexual spectrum somewhere (where is my drink) probably demisexual. his type is probably straight up someone like Dustin if we're being honest here
Gender Headcanon: trans guy! came out as a kid long before Darleen passed away and got lots of support from his parents about both his sexuality and gender <3 i don't know if he realized both around the same time but he knew himself pretty well pretty early on, good for him
A ship I have with said character: ever since i realized the possibility of Dustin/Dirk it has changed my life lol. like it was really always there and it's such an obvious set up but it went completely over my head like it did for most of us i guess, the way maxis seemingly intended is good too because Lilith/Dirk feels like a very exciting couple to play with if you see Dirk being attracted to girls/whatever gender you hc Lilith as. D&D live in my mind rent free tho. it's an easy enemies to lovers for me and some would argue that trope is overdone but there is not nearly enough content about these two that fit the trope perfectly sooo i wanna make that content. speaking of Dirk in this relationship, at first he admits Dustin is cute but hates the dude's attitude so he's gonna be in denial about his Dustin situation for the longest time. he's probably gonna be the one to make this actual relationship happen even though he's gonna be scared. but when Dustin opens up Dirk starts feeling really comfortable with him and falls in love deeply
A BROTP I have with said character: easily him and Lilith, in my hc she's a lesbian and they are fake dating while actually being besties so they don't even have to pretend much. these two are an opposites attract situation too but their energies match so well?? i should probably make them other friends though because no one has more than 2 friends in my stories 😭 i mean Dirk's also good friends with his dad but. yeah
A NOTP I have with said character: this must be about romance but i don't have much to say so i'll talk about enemies instead in this question. well i dont believe he has enemies aside from Dustin and that one's not exactly fitting for this question as we already know so probably no one lol. Dirk doesn't like Angela too and i never realized until just now btw that his relationship with her after he gets with Dustin is gonna be REALLY AWKWARD
A random headcanon: he's a giant bookworm, tries to be the best at everything and is quite grumpy, i feel like he would be very successful in college because he's just a shining star however you look at him. absolute delight (but can be a bitch). he loves cats and the color purple (i actually thought of making it his signature color but he's already assigned blue by maxis so im confused). also a big taylor swift fan
General Opinion over said character: gives off rainy vibes but is actually such a sunshine. i love him so much and im so glad i discovered how great of a character he is a few years ago, he's a certified son of mine (it's actually crazy to think that if he's a teen he's younger than me... like that is a noticeable age gap. huh)
Dustin:
Sexuality Headcanon: i would say the definition that feels right to me is homosexual/biromantic, sometimes i think it could be one or the other but i always remember that it doesn't have to because sexuality is a wide spectrum and im very happy to represent someone who has different romantic and sexual attraction! his gayness is powerful and i also cherish the girl-liking side of him and i think it's beautiful. i don't know if he's allosexual yet but i feel like he's probably demiromantic i hadn't even realized that until just now! im excited
Gender Headcanon: im still wondering about this, i see him as a guy and currently as cis, i really like the idea of him being trans but given how i hc him and his family i feel like by the age of 16 he would be unlikely to freely express himself or maybe even discover himself at all? he's quite emotionally repressed and doesn't give himself time to process his feelings so he probably wouldn't even know what the feeling means if he had it. hmmm
A ship I have with said character: Dirk ofc. Dustin didn't know he was gay and likely had inner homophobia but after meeting Dirk he knew what was up and he embraced it (after they stopped hating each other first heh). he had a pretty wonderful relationship with Angela so i like these two a lot together but with Dirk it's just a whole another story. Angela is like a comfort place and with Dirk it's like a rollercoaster and Dustin is just addicted to the feeling. he will be the first one to make a move but it's gonna be in a bit of a stupid way of course because he's secretly really awkward so it'll take time for them to actually see what's up
A BROTP I have with said character: Angela. she helps him with the kids and just generally spends so much time with him and they genuinely love each other so much as bf and gf but then as friends too, the breakup is hard for Angela but after some time it definitely gets better and they are just a great couple of peeps who care for each other :) i would say i need to get Dusty other friends too but i'll be honest with you i don't even think he has any. poor boy i gave him like 2 or 3 nice points
A NOTP I have with said character: Lilith hates Dustin and wouldn't engage 😭 she learns to tolerate him but imagine these two put in a room they would fight to death
A random headcanon: Dustin is a huge family boy and the only times he is genuinely expressing his feelings is when he is with his little siblings. Brandi and him have a weird relationship that is full of fights but in its core their relationship is not the worst, she's a loving mom just not very good at it. he probably has some obscure hobbies but i don't remember which rn. he likes sports (sadly). he's a very angsty teen and 100% listens to angsty teenage music in his room. he's gonna be such a great man in college when he matures and starts being honest with himself about things and this is the best glow up ever
General Opinion over said character: i love Dustin. i am so proud of his growth and bravery <3 he is kind of a menace in the beginning of my story, super mean but i don't want to throw him under the bus because his soul is so beautiful. wait is that bus thing even a saying or did i make that up. anyways boy needs therapy and hugs
thank you so much for the ask!!! this is really long but i love talking about them <3
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Here's a story about queerness. I've removed names for the identities to remain anonymous and so on and so forth. There's no moral at the end but I hope you like a queer experience today. If not just move along I guess.
I was fifteen at the time. He was thirteen at the time and we thought we were lesbians. I don't know what we are now, he's completely different from the girl I dated. I thought it was my first lesbian experience where she actually liked me. He was constantly depressed. I've met his dad, I understand the reasons that he's constantly depressed. He was thirteen and turned fourteen and we remained friends after I broke up with him, but he was my first lesbian experience and she liked me and I wanted to love her. And I noticed things. I noticed that he talked over me. I noticed that little things that didn't matter upset him. That he flew off the handle a bit too hard for my liking and scarier to me still, I couldn't help him be happy. He seemed determined not to be. I... I want to bring my partner joy, peace, serenity, passion, inspiration, ect. Where we make each other better people and always try to learn more all the time. He encouraged that, and he's gone on to flourish wildly without me and I'm so happy for him.
When I was a fifteen year old, I dated a thirteen year old. She was funny and kind and sweet, and my *best friend* introduced us. My sister. The woman I have decided is absolutely worth my (and everyone else's) devotion and loyalty. We have a long and complicated friendship that on my end is undyingly loyal. I have seen what my sister is as a person and I love her to the core. That's who introduced me to the thirteen year old. My Adoptive sister who is a few weeks younger than me introduced me to a friend of theirs? Hers? I really should talk to her/them more. This thirteen year old and I were in fact, Set Up because I was bi. I was bi and I had autism so it shook out to comfortable saying Pan, but it feels the most right. Bisexual doesn't mean transphobic, either, but Pansexual feels right. At the time, this baby trans man, was a lesbian. Didn't want to date men. Openly gay. Highly recommended friend material. We loved spending time together and talking about what was Real. Also Anime. Anime was a big part of the friendship.
I was questioning my gender. I didn't like how much of a performance Feminine was all the time, but Lesbian was comfy. Ish. I didn't know, breasts were a problem for me. I still want top surgery. I hated *being* a Woman at 15. Men were perfectly Happy to treat me as a Woman at 15, and Woman just meant Sex Object.
Maturity be damned. Experience with saying no be damned. People started countdowns to when I was to turn 18. As if that meant they'd be in less trouble if they were caught trying to romance me. Or worse. Some people don't care about my agency at all, but they won't be caught dead being a pedophile. It's really about where you draw the line, I suppose. I will go to my grave saying men are trash, because *the men that do that? They are trash. The men that do not hold them accountable? They are also TRASH.
I still hold this one lesbian experience tightly, to my chest. It was a *normal lesbian relationship* where we liked each other and we were too young to have sex, but it *was sexually charged* and I think about it *all the time* because he transitioned, and I still haven't.
He took me to my very first anime convention. We kinda dry humped in a tent. Through clothes. I knew though. I realized as it was happening that I wanted her. I wanted sex with women. I was having this realization in a tent with the thirteen year old who just bit my neck in just the right way because she wanted me to lose it like I wanted me to lose it and kiss her and kiss her and kiss her and maybe eat her? I didn't know. I just had the realization that I wanted all of these things. That I wanted it to finally, Finally bring her joy. I told her that biting my neck was deeply arousing and I kinda want to do sexual things when it happened. We were at an anime convention, and camping in a tent nearby. I brought a guitar. I didn't help set up tents because I didn't want to get in a fight with his dad that day. I was a coward and he deserved so much better than me, but I look back at this very gay memory with wonder now.
What if it had been more? What if I *hadn't* chickened out? Gods but she was *thirteen* and *going through it* and I was *fifteen* and *also going through it* and we barely had the tools to help ourselves, and I couldn't trust him to help me, and I knew I couldn't help him except with connections to resources and basic Google keywords. He did everything else himself, and I'm proud of him. I think he's married??? Now??? And I hear he is perhaps pursuing a doctorate? He was absolutely the one that got away because I was foolish, you understand? I was a DUMB GAY. BE BETTER. BE HONEST WITH YOUR PARTNER. USE YOUR BEST JUDGEMENT ABOUT THEIR DAD. AND BE READY FOR THEM TO BE HONEST WITH YOU.
We both have autism. I don't know if that makes it Better? Worse? HEY GAYS? I MEAN IT I NEED HELP. QUEER FAM, IF HE TRANSITIONED IS IT STILL A LESBIAN MEMORY? IF BOTH OF US DONT IDENTIFY AS WOMEN ANYMORE IS IT A GAY MEMORY? A LESBIAN MEMORY? I HAVE BEEN TURNING THIS OVER IN MY HEAD FOR YEARS AND I NEED HELP. THIS IS GENUINE THIS IS NOT IRONY I AM THIRTY AND MY PARTNER AND I BOTH THINK GENDER IS STUPID BUT WE'RE OPPOSITES ON THE PIPELINE NOW, SO I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT I AM, YOU DIG? I'M GAY, BUT MY LESBIAN MIDAS TOUCH MAKES TRANS PEOPLE??? WHY DOES IT LOOK SO FUCKING STRAIGHT?!
Do labels even Matter at this point? Like... And I STILL haven't transitioned. I want the counseling and hormones and to ditch the boobs, but I am actually scared to do it. Like what if I tell someone all of this and they still deny me a boobless existence because I'm performing traditional femininity Too Much. I love girly shit. What if I just wanna be a flat chested girlie? Or do I want to transition? WHAT AM I?
I'm me. The body I'm in is a Meat Suit for an A-Gender consciousness. Lesbians are important, and I love women and I love being nonbinary. I also love SOME men. They are very special men. Or they Were. Now I have a Partner, one day a Spouse. I love my Partner. My Partner has the best tasting dick ever, actually. Most man cum tastes like bleach smells to me. Women taste like proper buttery scrambled eggs. You do the math on what I'd rather eat. PSYCH! My Partner. Delicious dick. Not bleachy or salty. Tastes like people fluid. I love my Partner, and they *love* it when I go down. My Partner doesn't have this Queerness Label Struggle that I have. My Partner Loves me and I think it's Real. That they actually understand and listen to me and appreciate me. That they're safe to be around. That they're safe for me. That I can trust them to actually care about me. It's Love and it's Love the way you deserve, baby. Mutual inspiration, a desire to be together. Also they ought to smell good, just trust me and trust your own nose for what registers as "good smelling person" when you know, you Know. Be Wiser than me. Be Honest. Be Certain, and don't perform certainty be Honest with Yourself about What You Want. I wanted someone who would Listen. I found them. It's the love of my life and I will spend the rest of it trying to be a better person than I was, every moment. Always trying to beat my top score at how much I can learn. You might be different, and that's fine. Props to you for reading this far. Hope you have a nice day. It's certainly *Queer*.
#queer as in fuck you#accidentally went full circle and I'm an almost transboy madly in love with a nearly was a trans girl#what do i even do#queer#queer ns/fw#have a sample of some depresso#its on the house
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For the ask game: 15, 20, 31, 63, 70, 88, 99
:D
jinx hi!!! :D
15: Do you prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?
honestly, i've never minded either. it always seems like i end up behind the camera though, or the only one of my friends with a camera out. i guess the reason i always have a camera out is because i really want to capture as many of the good memories as i can so i don't forget them. and i know that sometimes it makes me seem weird, but honestly, nothing brings me more joy than watching five-year-old videos of my friends fucking around and laughing in the backseat of our parents' cars. and especially lately it's strange to watch videos of my friends and i back when we were thirteen, since we're all eighteen now and we're so much different than we used to be. it really puts into perspective just how much we've all grown up. on another note, i got a polaroid camera for my 18th birthday about six months ago, and i've been burning so much of my money on film for it (like literally hundreds. film is so fucking expensive it hurts) but honestly i think it's worth it because now i have a massive wall of polaroid photos that are a little bit washed out, a little unfocused, and a short caption and the date written in my own hasty scrawl on the bottom. all of these memories, imperfect as they are, put up in a place where i can see them all the time, really reminds me that i'm not as alone as i think. and i can't wait to take more once i start college.
20: What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength?
my greatest weakness is my crippling anxiety. my greatest strength is my zoloft prescription. Get Owned dopamine imbalance
but in reality, my greatest weakness is definitely my anxiety. it's genuinely fucked me up in more ways than i can count, and looking back now, i'm shocked that i didn't realize that i was a severely anxious kid. my worst fear at age nine was dying slowly and painfully of heart disease, which i was fully convinced was going to happen to me. at age NINE. and i didn't even get officially diagnosed until i was sixteen??? what the fuck?????????? that's not a concern a normal nine year old should be having at all
my greatest strength, though, has gotta be my empathy. my experiences regarding my mental health struggles has been helpful in the sense that i know what it's like to feel really fucking awful. and i know it's something that i wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. so when someone talks to me about feeling like that, i feel like i can relate to them. and thus i feel like i can help them a little better. i'm in no way perfect, but i'm trying my best to be there for my friends when they need it, and that's gotta count for something.
31. Smell the air. What do you smell?
funnily enough i went to smell the air and i smelled smoke so i had to run around my house and apparently my father left the stove on before he left the house and the kitchen was filling with gas. fun times!
63: What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you?
probably just listening to people talk about what they like. i love it when people listen to me rant on and on and on about stuff i'm passionate about, so i've always assumed it's the same for other people. so far it's worked pretty well.
70: Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend?
not to sound cocky, but absolutely. part of the reason is probably because my love language is physical touch and...none of my irl friends are the same way. i have never platonically cuddled with the homies and that gives me the Big Sad™. i want a platonic bestie who i can cuddle with in bed and discuss my existential fears with. is that too much to ask for
88: If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be?
a certain floridian politican that i shall not refer to by name. what the fuck did the trans kids do to you to make you hate them so damn much my dude
99: If the whole world were listening to you right now, what would you say?
hating people who are different than you is never going to bring you any fulfilment. not everyone is going to adhere to your way of life, and you should stop expecting them to. the world is so much more beautiful with it's diversity, with all its people of different races, genders, sexualities, beliefs, religions, all of it. think of it as a field of wildflowers in a mountain valley. sure, a field of poppies is alright, but it's so much more breathtaking when it's also got cornflowers, asters, daisies, violets, alliums, and yarrows—when there's all different kinds of flowers growing in harmony together. when it's like that, it's got the whole rainbow spectrum. it feels like art. it feels complete. there's no reason to be afraid of people who are different than you, because we're all still people, with dreams and aspirations and hopes and fears and passions. we're all doing our best to be happy. it will never be worth it to try to take that away from someone. go live your life. let them live theirs.
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I kind of just want to talk about nothing. This is a diary, after all. Lengthy personal ramble up ahead, if anyone dares or cares to read it. CW: suicidal ideation
So. I'm 20 now. It's been probably six years since I last actually used this blog, until a couple days ago when I checked the email I made it with and saw that it had accrued a bunch of bot followers. So, I logged on, started purging them (and probably some real people too, my bad,) and realized I might be able to start doing this again. So I started following a bunch of people.
For some reason, this blog's url was changed to -blog, and then someone else took the zdiariez url, and I'm not sure I'm willing to confront someone for a url I might end up dropping again in a few months anyway. It does suck, though. I don't like having dashes in my usernames.
I'm not sure I ever talked about this on this blog before, but my mom used to be a massive TERF. Part of the reality of millenials raising gen z is that millenials and gen z are both WAY too online. She got sucked into her toxic circles, I got sucked into mine. I guess in a way, we both saw each others' toxicity and not our own.
At the time (six years ago, freshman year) I was dating a girl who had me on my phone literally whenever she could get my attention. I got in trouble in my computer-something class multiple times because I would constantly check my phone to talk to her. If I didn't, she would get very upset with me. I remember her telling me that it wasn't fair when I was tired, because she lives on the east coast and I live on the west coast, and for her to talk to me she has to stay up really late while it's relatively early where I am, and when I go to bed at a reasonable hour, she doesn't have anyone to talk to.
My mom recognized in me a growing anxiety of being away from my phone or computer, and quickly realized it was because I was being emotionally manipulated. By a fourteen year old girl. Of course it's possible when you're both fourteen. That entire relationship was an absolute dumpster fire. I'll never forget how her ex would treat me like a demon and misgender me simply because she didn't like me. Or how she would cut herself on call with my ex to guilt her. I honestly don't understand how we could have so much drama.
So was being fourteen, to be honest. Again, not sure how much I've talked about this, but right when my middle school years ended and I entered into high school, my friend group kicked me out - right after my cat died - and basically told me that I was a bitch and to get lost. "We're tired of walking on eggshells around you all the time." I didn't get the memo that being emotionally volatile after the death of my beloved cat was unacceptable. I think I'll always be pretty fucking salty about that whole situation. It was the seed that grew into a big, strong, healthy Fear of Abandonment and Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria tree.
So I lost my cat, my friends, my girlfriend is suffocating me, my mom won't accept me for who I am, so what am I to do? Obviously, I'll hang myself from the catwalks in the school theater with a rope I was given as a prop for a play.
Saying it now, it's melodramatic and needlessly traumatizing for anyone who witnesses it. Back then, it was so comforting to think that I was finally going to be done with it.
Making this blog in the first place was a way for me to cry for help. I didn't ask for help very well, that's something I've never been good at. I kind of wish I was, then maybe I wouldn't have been in such a dark place to begin with, or maybe someone would have noticed the way i was talking on here and reached out.
I feel forever grateful for an interaction I had on this blog when I was fourteen, two years after I came out as nonbinary, unsure if I was allowed to call myself trans and relate to other trans people. An adult (or at least someone older than me) came in to tell me that I am just as trans as anyone else, and my struggles matter. Thank you, blog I've forgotten the name of. You genuinely did help me. You restructured my neurons in the right way where I can tell myself and other people, of course I'm trans! I'm not cis, am I?
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Today is May 30th.
For safety reasons, I'm posting this over here. I have some screen caps that I need to edit for privacy, but I'm going to start here:
I am obviously not innocent in all of this. Sure, my job is the reason we were able to get the first apartment. When we moved in, I wanted my now-ex to help out, get a job, go in 50/50 with me. After all, why have a partner if they aren't working and aren't helping out around the house? Those people are called friends and they live in other homes.
More recently, I have, I of course think for good reason, been concealing any fertility success I may have been having. My body, my choice. I can have sex with who I want, I can get pregnant or not as my body permits and as I please.
My partner threatened to steal my bank card and I have also been playing in to that. Why not, what the hell. They launched an about seven-pound box at my fucking head. I literally don't even care if they meant for it to hit my head. It does not matter if they believe it hit me in the head.
So I guess in response, she enacted her rendition of her interpretation of shit the woman who gave birth to me did to me, as confided to her by me. It was laughable, but at the same time, I don't have any friends whose place I can run over to when I need to be brought back to reality. It really triggered me into the state I would get in when the woman who gave birth to me would gaslight me.
This afternoon, I took back the TV purchased out of the joint account. I should have just gone all in for the PC too. I don't believe that my ex has my money, mostly because she just got her tax refunds and they too are enough to pay rent. She only needs to pay June rent and utilities one time. She's on a week-long sex-staycation with her new toy; how the fuck is she buying all this clothing and food and drinks??
According to the police, I have no recourse. According to everything I could find online, I have no recourse.
Should've gotten married when the psycho asked, eh? Then it really would have been stealing two thousand dollars.
I just........ can't believe divorce is when it become stealing. What the fuck. I shouldn't have to--I wouldn't even know how to--itemize every last dollar going into the bank account. "This is for rent" "this is for utilities". Like, where the fuck does that info even go??
So my ex is the only one who should be allowed to put themself first??
It took three years for them to admit they don't believe in 50/50 relationships--whatever the fuck that even means. It took them three years to admit that they think they're above housework--three years of wanting to believe "I'm trying, uwu, I'm trying", and distancing myself a little further each time I didn't see them trying. It took them three years to admit that they did not give a shit what I wrote in my dating bio, and they did not give a shit about my limits and boundaries.
It took me three years to close myself off bit by bit with every racist utterance they felt it was okay to make around me.
It took me three years to realize that the pedophilia was not a fucking bit, for them to think showing me their materials was fucking funny.
I don't understand........ They just gave me card after card to hold and play, and then they taught me how to play against them. Like, what, you think I remained naive?? After everything you've put me through???
I don't hate my ex because they're trans. That's the dumbest, weakest shit I've ever heard, even before trying to gaslight me. I hate them because they are contemptible. They are so egotistical. They may be smarter than me, but they made a mistake underestimating my intelligence and adaptability. One of my biggest flaws, no humblebrag intended, is that I am so adaptable. It has stopped being a good thing, because it means that in the short-term, day over day, I will forgive, forget and move past the damage you inflict on me. But in the long run, it adds up. I don't actually forget.
They have done a lot of things to drive me away, which makes it incredibly hard to believe that they ever loved me. The real fucking coup de gras was stealing my money. Now I know, without question, this person never loved me. Do they know what love is? I don't know how that's possible when you don't believe in 50/50 relationships. When you don't believe in compromise, in reaching a greater average with your partner.
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i keep thinking recently about how confused i was sexually as an adolescent because i didn’t know about gender queerness yet and even once i started exploring gender and my own transness it was still very confusing for awhile and took many years honestly for me to truly accept and understand my experience with gender and what that means for my experience with my sexuality and i feel such relief for how far i’ve come. there’s been periods in my life where i felt so confused
i didn’t understand why i was so often attracted to gay men all my life? and why i was also attracted to women? and why was i really only attracted to people who were just more feminine in general regardless of their gender? and why do i feel like a hundred times more attracted to someone if they’re queer? And i had to deal with internationalized homophobia and confusion like. I know i’m not the only queer to have felt this way but i felt like it was predatory to be more attracted to someone who is queer especially if they’re trans, even though i am queer i am trans i am gay i am queer in every way beyond my gender and sexuality as well. but i felt like that was bad of me or wrong of me. Until i spent a little more time on this earth, got to know more queer people, got to know myself better, and realized that this is an extremely normal and common experience
the reason i use the word queer to describe myself is so much because of my journey with sexuality and gender.
i thought i was straight and cis, then i thought i was bisexual and then i learned the word pansexual and was like that’s me. and then i kind of thought i was a lesbian but i also felt like i was a boy but i was in denial about my trans feelings. then i accidentally fell in love with my best friend who was a guy so i was like i guess i’m pansexual for sure. then i accidentally discovered gender and then i was like i guess i’m gender fluid. and then i was like i think i’m a boy. then i was like i think im a boy like, mostly. and around this same time i learned it’s okay to just call myself bisexual and that it can mean the same thing as pansexual if you’re using the most popularly accepted definition of the word in the lgbt community so i was like okay i’m bi now i guess. but also at this same time defining my sexuality became pretty unimportant to me. then i felt pretty truly mostly genderless but a little fluid for a good few years. then i moved away and was mostly back in the closet out for safety reasons and that really started to screw with my head and i was genderless af through these years but everyone perceived me as a cis woman and called me she/her and i was also dating a straight man at the time who perceived me as cis so i was just feeling so unseen and strange and so didn’t feel like myself. then i got out of that relationship and had to get back in touch with myself again. then more moving and more being in the closet. eventually i realized i do identify more with womanhood than i did when i was younger and that is in part because of living five or so years being perceived as a cis woman it really changed my perception on who i am in relation to the world and what i feel that means for my identity personally. and so there’s been times now over the last couple years i identified a lot more with womanhood than i ever had previously. and this year i feel like i’ve been very in touch with parts of my gender i haven’t been in touch with in a long time. feeling boyish at times well really all over the board. genderfluid is still a term that’s true for me 10 years later but even better than that i think is to call myself queer. cuz what the hell is going on. and it applies to my experience with sexuality too.
and side note, while we’re on the topic of queer experiences. dating someone who is “straight” is very confusing because i am not straight so we cannot be straight together. but language i guess is just as complicated as sexuality. there’s plenty of people who identify as straight who engage in queer relationships or queer sex so. But at the time, especially being young, i remember feeling really stressed out at times dating a straight man because i felt this loss of identity in the face of his identity and thoughts would constantly swirl around in my head like “anyone who dates me is automatically a little gay just by the nature of the situation. if i’m trans then he’s technically a little gay” just trying to make sense of my experience. ugh being young an queer is hard.
i’m grateful i understand myself now and that i don’t have to stress out over stuff like this as much. i still feel some gender stress sometimes cuz it is a lot to process having a fluid gender at times, like sometimes i feel mentally like unprepared for a gender shift or i just wasn’t expecting to have a certain gender thought or feeling and i have to process it like. i still deal with that and dunno if that will ever leave but for the most part i feel a lot more at peace and have a lot more understanding of myself and queerness in general and it’s a relief.
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Az's MHA Self-Insert AU Introduction
So I've been waiting to post any of my MHA self-insert stuff here because I wanted to make like a masterpost or introduction post that explains both AU versions first, because they're vastly different. So I'm finally sitting my ass down to do that. I don't have as much recent art as I'd like, but I guess that's fine. I can update this later lol
It's gonna be long so have a readmore.
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HEROVERSE
The Heroverse was the original AU and I didn't actually intend to wind up with an entire other AU, but I digress. In this AU, my self-insert is Satoshi Suzuki.
(I have no colored art of him on hand right now oops. His hair is dark brown and his eyes are blue. I'll add better art later when I have/find some.)
He's trans and starts the story as Satoko. His Quirk is Sonar. He can hear everything within a mile's radius, and has the sound-based version of an audiographic memory (Can remember anything he hears perfectly). The story starts with him going to a Present Mic concert (I headcanon he's a musician as well), which winds up getting attacked by villains. In a rare moment of bravery, Satoshi approaches Present Mic and Eraserhead and offers to help with the situation, since searching an entire concert venue can take time, and they don't have that. Sonar lets him find the threat easily.
He later meets Shouta again at a cat cafe they apparently both frequent. They keep meeting there until they sort of consider each other friends. And then Shouta brings Hizashi along one day (They're already dating), and next thing Satoshi knows he's actually friends with the two of them. And then somehow the next thing any of them know, they're all dating and living together.
Come time for class 1-A's first year, Satoshi gets offered a job at UA, by recommendation of Hizashi. With All Might joining the school as 1-A's teacher, they need more security. Nezu thinks Satoshi's Quirk would be wonderful for it, since he can hear an entire mile out. There's more to it, though, because Satoshi has a history with All Might, which he gets the feeling Nezu knows about. Nonetheless, he accepts the role with persuading from Shouta and Hizashi. He has no confidence in himself, but they have enough confidence in him to make up for that.
And through the trials and tribulations involved with being anywhere near class 1-A, Satoshi discovers two things; 1. He's not a girl. 2. He wants to be a hero.
So Nezu, All Might, Shouta, and Hizashi pull some strings for him, so he can also learn to be a hero while working at UA as security. He soon meets Hawks, who takes him under his wing and becomes not only the teacher he needed, but his best friend too. They wind up infiltrating the League together, since Satoshi's Quirk is perfect for eavesdropping.
And his hero name? Sentry. Inadvertently given to him by Shouta.
Along the way, he learns that his Quirk isn't actually Sonar. It's Sensory Manipulation. He can adjust the strength of all his senses, as well as those of others by "tagging" them with any part of his palm or fingers. The tag only lasts a few minutes, however, and other people's senses can't go as high as his own.
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VILLAINVERSE
Okay this is the one that started off as just a fun "what-if" AU. What if Satoshi, Hizashi, and Shouta were villains? Wouldn't that be fun? But then I started actually thinking about backstory... In which I realized I needed to learn more about Tomura and the rest of the League.
Which lead to a rabbit hole of falling in love with the villains and finding comfort like no other from them. Thus this turned into a wholeass AU of it's own, where Satoshi is shipped with Dabi and Keigo instead. Also Shouta and Hizashi are part of the League in this one, just for the fun of it because I still wanted to explore them as villains.
While Heroverse Satoshi has brown hair and blue eyes, Villainverse Satoshi has bright red hair and yellow eyes. Because why not? His father was a villain who worked with AfO. His mother abandoned them when she found out her child's father was a villain. His father's Quirk was the inverse of Sensory Manipulation; Physical Manipulation.
AfO could see the potential of Satoshi's Quirk, and wanted to take his Quirk and give it to his father to make him extra strong. But his father refused, not wanting to harm his child in such a manner. So AfO killed him and took his Quirk. Satoshi witnessed the whole thing via hearing, but AfO convinced him that he heard wrong. He made it up in his head to protect himself from what "really" happened. AfO then adopts Satoshi as his own. Making him Satoshi Shigaraki in this AU.
Two years later, Tomura is also taken in and re-named by AfO. He doesn't expect the two to get along, nor does he care if they do. But jokes on him because they quickly become close and regard each other as legit siblings. Satoshi is the only one who isn't afraid of Decay and isn't afraid to touch Tomura.
As such, they grow up side-by-side, and this AU of Tomura is a little more soft because he grew up with someone to call family. Someone to keep him sane. That being said, they're still both incredibly fucked up by AfO and very much insane villains at first.
They actually both forget that they aren't actually siblings. They can't really remember a point in time where the other wasn't there. And unlike in the Heroverse, Satoshi transitions before becoming an adult. AfO also gives him his father's Quirk when he becomes strong enough to handle it. Thus creating Respec. A rather terrifying Quirk that can allow Satoshi to punch through concrete with his bare hands, or make someone's bones so weak that just pushing them will shatter every single one. It's complete control over every physical and sensory aspect of the body. So, just like Tomura, all it takes is one touch from Satoshi, and he can kill you instantly.
Upon meeting, Satoshi and Dabi don't get along. They actually hate each other at first. But the more time they spend together, the more they realize how alike they are. How much they both need someone to save them. And next thing they know, they can't imagine not being together.
And then Hawks shows up claiming to want to be their inside man. They all agree to use him as much as they can. But Satoshi and Dabi get particularly close to him, and oops they unravel his hero persona and find all the trauma underneath. Which makes Hawks Keigo realize that hero society is actually pretty fucked. And so he legit becomes an ally to the League. But in the process, he starts convincing the League that they don't have to be this evil. They can tear down hero society, but no one needs to get hurt for no reason.
Oh, and Dabi and Satoshi fall for Keigo and he falls for them. And Tomura has to learn to deal with it.
They also wind up adopting Eri in this AU. She happens to show up unexpectedly during a meeting with Overhaul, and Tomura snaps. He sees himself in her. Scared, abused, alone. So he snaps and goes feral, and the whole League just has to react to that. In the end, they wind up kidnapping Eri, but she views it as being saved. The League then becomes her family.
Throughout the story, the lines between hero and villain get repeatedly blurred, and a lot of trauma is unravelled, healed, and dealt out. A lot of identities are lost and reclaimed. And in the end, the villains aren't really villains anymore.
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This post is messy af and could use some better structure, but I just wanted to get a little introductory post out there abt my batshit AUs before I start posting art and story related stuff.
Also, some info abt Satoshi that doesn't change between AUs; His birthday is October 24, and he's 5'3". Tho I am considering making him a bit taller in the Villainverse.
If you've read this whole thing I say both thank you and I'm sorry lol I've put a whole ton of effort into these AUs, but explaining them in a way that does this justice is Difficult.
#Ah shit I need tags for both AUs fuck#Um#I'll just use their fic titles for now#;; i need a hero#;; falling from my faith#Fun fact both fic titles come from the song ''Hero'' by Skillet#I name all my fics after songs p much and I find it funny I was able to name both AUs from the same song
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#emmett is yelling#content warning for the tags: mentions of s*icide and s*lf h*rm#dont purposefully trigger yourself pls! also im fine just having some thoughts!#i was thinking last night about how traumatic middle and highschool actually were for me like? i dont think ive really let myself call it#that i never thought my experiences were idk? big enough and that people have been through much worse so i didnt deserve to call it that ig#but like Especially my first relationship when i first started hs i think has affected me much more than i really want to admit#because i was 14 and had been severely depressed and suicidal the past yearish as well as starting to sh#and Just realized i was trans too and i started dating my friend who guess what? was all of those things too#and it was lovely most of the time honestly like i loved him and we had great moments but i feel it got very codependent nearer the end#i specifically remember a day he called me scared and crying because his parents had threatened to put him in the hospital for an#observational like 48? 72 hour? stay and he was terrified and turned to me a suicidal 14 year old to help#and me and my mom drove to get him that evening and i remember just laying on the couch and holding him while he just cried and cried and#like thats not normal and not okay for anyone to have the burden of dealing with if they cant especially not someone#whos just as young and just as incredibly vulnerable like during those months i was so scared everytime the phone rang#that it would be his mom or the hospital telling me he was dead and it just felt like the whole responsibility of keeping him#alive and happy was all on my shoulders and if i made one wrong step hed kill himself because i didnt do enough#like the entirety of highschool for me was desperately trying not to end it everyday and having constant like multiple times a week#if not everyday having panic attacks shutdowns and or meltdowns because of the contant abrasive stimuli mixed with#suicidality and depression and undiagnosed learning disabilities mixed with school work that i both couldnt understand or keep up with#like no WONDER i developed a personality disorder with a major characteristic being real or imagined fear of abandonment#no wonder i dissociated for the duration of the 7? 8? months i before i left hs and only have a few scattered memories from that whole year#like highschool really messed with me in way i havent let myself think about and seeing the sheer amount of other folks from that school#feeling and thinking really similar things is so understandable and so sad like we were really suffering and no one actually did a#goddamn thing that was remotely beneficial to us it makes me mad honestly that i was robbed of those years and so many of my peers were too
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Please. Please can you tell me what a baeddel is and why people (terfs?) used it in a derogatory manner on this website for a hot minute but now no one ever uses it at all
you asked for it, fucker
[2k words; philology and drama]
baeddel is an Old English word. i have no idea where it actually occurs in the Old English written corpus, but it occurs in a few placenames. its diminuitive form, baedling, is much better documented. it appears in the (untranslated) Canons of Theodore, a penitential handbook, a sort of guidebook for priests offering advice on what penances should be recommended for which sins. in a passage devoted to sexual transgressions it gives the penances suggested for a man who sleeps with a woman, a man who sleeps with another man, and then a man who sleeps with a baedling. so you have this construction of a baedling as something other than a man or a woman. and then it gives the penance for a baedling who sleeps with another baedling (a ludicrous one-year fast). then, by way of an explaination, Theodore delivers us one of the most enigmatic phrases in the Old English corpus: "for she is soft, like an adulturess."
the -ling suffix in baedling is masculine. but Theodore uses feminine pronouns and suffixes to describe baedlings. as we said, it's also used separately from male and female. but it's also used separately from their words for intersex and it never appears in this context. all of this means that you have this word that denotes a subject who is, as Christopher Monk put it, "of problematic gender." interested historians have typically interpreted it as referring to some category of homosexual male, such as Wayne R. Dines in his two-volume Encyclopedia of Homosexuality who discusses it in the context of an Old English glossary which works a bit like an Old English-Latin dictionary, giving Old English words and their Latin counterparts. the Latin words the Anglo-Saxon lexicographer chose to correspond with baedling were effeminatus and mollis, and Lang concludes that it refers to an "effeminate homosexual" (pg 60, Anglo Saxon). this same glossary gives as an Old English synonym the word waepenwifstere which literally means "woman with a penis," and which Dines gives the approximate translation (hold on tight) male wife.
R. D. Fulk, a philologist and medievalist, made a separate analysis of the term in his study on the Canons of Theodore 'Male Homoeroticism in the Old English Canons of Theodore', collected in Sex and Sexuality in Medieval England, 2004. he analysed it as a 'sexual category' (sexual as in sexuality), owing to the context of sexual transgressions in the Canons. he decides that it refers to a man who bottoms in sexual relationships with another man. i don't have the article on hand so i'm not sure what his reasoning was, but this seems obviously inadequate given what we know from the glossary described by Dines. Latin has a word for bottom, pathica, and the lexicographer did not use this in their translation, preferring words that emphasized the baedling's femininity like effeminatus, and doesn't address the sexual context at all. Dines, however, only reading this glossary, seems to decide that it refers to a type of male homosexual too hastily, considering the Canons explicitly treat them separately. both Dines and Fulk immediately reduce the baedling to a subcategory of homosexual when neither of the sources to hand actually do so themselves.
by now it should be obvious why, seven or so years ago, we interpreted it as an equivalent to trans woman. I mean come on - a woman with a penis! these days I tend to add a bit of a caution to this understanding, which is that trans woman is the translation of baedling which seems most adequate to us, just as baedling was the translation of effeminatus that seemed most adequate to our lexicographer. but the term cannot translate perfectly; its sense was derived from some minimal context; a legal context, a doctrinal context, and so forth... the way Anglo-Saxons understood sex/gender is complicated but it has been argued that they had a 'one sex model' and didn't regard men and women as biologically separate types, which is obviously quite different from the sexual model accepted today; in any case they didn't have access to the karyotype and so on. the basic categories they used to understand gender and sexuality were different from ours. in particular, Hirschfield et al. should be understood as a particularly revolutionary moment in the genealogy of transsexuality; the Institut für Sexualwissenschaft essentially invented the concept of the 'sex change', the 'transition', conceived as a biological passage from one sex to the other. even in other contexts where (forgive me) #girlslikeus changed their bodies in some way, like the castration of the priestesses of Cybele, or those belonging to the various historical societies which we believe used premarin for feminization [disputed; see this post], there is no record that they were ever considered men at any stage or had some kind of male biology that preceded their 'gender identity.' the concept of the trans woman requires the minimal context of the coercive assignment at birth and its subsequent (civil and bio-technological) rejection. i have never encountered evidence that this has ever been true in any previous society. nonetheless, these societies still had gendered relations, and essentially wherever we find these gendered relations we also find some subject which is omitted or for whom it has been necessary to note exceptions. what is of chief interest to us is not so much that there was such a subject here or there in history (and whatever propagandistic uses this fact might have), but understanding why these regularities exist.
a very parsimonious explanation is that gender is a biological reality, and there is some particular biological subject which a whole host of words have been conjured to denote. if this were the case then we would expect that, no matter what gender/sexual system we encounter in a given society, it will inevitably find some linguistic expression. if, like me, you find this idea revolting, then you should busy yourself trying to come up with an alternative explanation which is not just plausible, but more plausible. my best guesses are outside the scope of this answer...
anyway, all of this must be very interesting to the five or six people invested in the confluence of philology and gender studies. but why on earth did it become so widely used, in so many strange and unusual contexts, in the 2010s? we're very sorry, but yes, it's our fault. you see apart from all of this, there is also a little piece of information which goes along with the word baeddel, which is that it's the root of the Modern English word bad. by way of, no less, the word baedan, 'to defile'. how this defiled historical subject came to bear responsibility for everything bad to English-speakers doesn't seem to be known from linguistic evidence. however, it makes for a very pithy little remark on transmisogyny. my dear friend [REDACTED] made a playful little post making this point and, good Lord, had we only known...
it went like this. its such a funny little idea that we all start changing our urls to include the word baeddel. in those days it was common to make puns with your url (we always did halloween and christmas ones); i was baeddelaire, a play on the French poet Baudelaire. while we all still had these urls a series of events which everyone would like to forget happened, and we became Enemies of Everyone in the Whole World. because of the url thing people started to call us "the baeddels." then there was "a cult" called "the baeddels" and so forth. this cult had various infamies attatched to it and a constellation of indefensible political positions. ultimately we faced a metric fucking shit ton of harassment, including, for some of my friends, really serious and bad irl harassment that had long-term bad awful consequences relating to stable housing and physical safety and i basically never want to talk about that part of my life ever again. and i never have to, because i've come to realize that for most people, when they use the word baeddel, they don't know about that stuff. it doesn't mean that anymore.
so what does it mean? you'll see it in a few contexts. TERFs do use it, as you guessed. i am not quite sure what they really mean by it and how it differs from other TERF barbs. i think being a baeddel invovles being politically active or at least having a political consciousness, but in a way thats distinct from just any 'TRA' or trans activist. so perhaps 'militant' trans women, but perhaps also just any trans woman with any opinions at all. how this was transmitted from tumblr/west coast tranny drama to TERF vocabulary i have no idea. but you will also find - or, could have found a few years ago - i would say 'copycat' groups who didn't know us or what we believed but heard the rumours, and established their own (generously) organizations (usually facebook groups) dedicated to putting those principles into practice. they considered themselves trans lesbian separatists and did things like doxx and harass trans women who dated cafabs. if you don't know about this, yes, there really were such groups. they mostly collapsed and disappeared because they were evildoers who based their ideology on a caricature. i knew a black trans woman who was treated very badly by one of these groups, for predictable reasons. so long-time readers: if you see people talking about their bad experiences with 'baeddels', you can't necessarily relate it to the 2014 context and assume they're carrying around old baggage. there are other dreams in the nightmare.
the most common way you'll see it today, in my experience, is in this form: people will say that it was a "slur" for trans women. they might bring up that it's the root of the word bad, and they might even think that you shouldn't use the word bad because of it, or that you shouldn't use the word baeddel because it's a slur. all of this is a silly game of internet telephone and not worth addressing. except to say that it's by no means clear that baeddel, or baedling, were slurs, or even insulting at all. while Theodore doesn't provide us with a description of how we can have sex with a baedling without sinning, and it may be the case that any sexual relations with a baedling was considered sinful, sexuality-based transgressions were not taken all that seriously in those days. there was a period where homosexuality within the Church was almost sanctioned, and it wasn't until much later that homosexuality became so harshly proscribed, to the extent that it was thought to represent a threat to society, etc. and as i mentioned, there are places in England named after baedlings. there is a little parish near Kent which is called Badlesmere, Baeddel's Lake, which was recorded in the Anglo-Saxon Domesday Book (as having a lord, a handful of villagers and a few slaves; perhaps only one or two households). it's not unheard of, but i just don't know very many places called Faggot Town or some such. it's possible that baedlings had some role in Anglo-Saxon society which we are not aware of; it could even have been a prestigious one, as it was in other societies. there is just no evidence other than a couple of passing references in the literature and we'll probably never have a complete picture.
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Nia just needed a friend to do a hard mall trip. Trying out dresses. For a formal dance. And hey, maybe Lena and Kara are mad at each other but... She just needs Lena okay?
When Lena receives a call from an unknown number, she almost ignores it. But just enough people spread her phone number that she answers it on the off chance it might be someone who needs her.
“Lena Luthor, how can I help you?”
“Lena, please don’t hang up.”
The voice is familiar, but Lena can’t place it until the voice continues.
“It’s Nia. Nia Nal? And I know--” Lena almost hangs up right then-- not because it’s Nia, but because Nia treads dangerously close to a subject Lena is dead set on avoiding. Almost. “I know you have no reason to take my call, but… I need your help.”
Lena almost hangs up. She doesn’t.
“What do you need?”
---
The crisis, Lena learns, is that Nia has been given the assignment of her life covering the Golden Globes ceremony being hosted in downtown National City, but has nothing even remotely appropriate to wear. The mundanity of it all is so far from what Lena expects that it’s long moments before the words fully register.
“Uh, Lena…?”
“I’m here,” Lena says quickly, clearing her throat. She leans forward in her chair, rattling off an address. “Meet me there tomorrow at 11am.”
The next day, a few minutes after eleven, Nia walks up to Lena outside of Sylvie with hesitation all over her face. “Lena?”
Lena tucks her phone away and turns towards Nia with a professional but bright grin. “Nia, you made it.”
“Uhm, yeah actually… I kinda thought I’d gotten lost…”
Lena looks at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Lena, I can’t afford anything on this boulevard, are you crazy??”
Oh.
“You’re not paying,” Lena says simply.
Wide eyes blink at her in shock. “What? No! No, Lena, I can’t ask you to do that--”
“I’m offering.”
“Look, I was thinking we could just go to the mall--”
“The mall.”
Nia quails under Lena’s judgement, and Lena softens.
“Nia, you are about to be on the red carpet, covering an event that could catapult your career into the stratosphere. I think that warrants something a little more than what a department store can offer.”
“But…” Nia continues to protest, but uncertainty colors her features, and Lena knows she’s slipped under her guard. Carefully, Lena places a hand on Nia’s wrist.
“I won’t force you to accept what I’m offering,” she says gently. “But calling a Luthor for help means calling for a Luthor solution-- and nothing says Luthor more than shopping at the best boutique in town.”
Nia nods, but she ducks her chin with a swallow. “It’s just…”
“Just what?”
“I don’t want you to think that’s why I called, you know?” Nia expels a sigh, working a harried hand through her hair. “It’s just that Kara was supposed to come with me for moral support, but she’s had to cancel four times and the ceremony is in three days and if Andrea hears one more time that I don’t have a dress, she’s going to kill me…”
“Nia,” Lena says softly. Nia stops, and meets Lena’s gaze with a hesitant one of her own. “I would never think you were calling for a hand out. I’m offering.” Nia still looks uncertain, but Lena holds her gaze. “You asked for help… so let me help.”
Nia considers her words, studying Lena carefully. Finally, she wraps her arms around herself with a steadying sigh. “If you’re sure…”
“I’m sure.”
Nia follows a few paces behind as Lena turns and approaches the door to the shop, lingering to let Lena be the one to press the buzzer to be allowed in. But as they near, the door opens for them, ready and waiting to admit them.
Luthors don’t use buzzers.
“Welcome to Sylvie.” A pair of well groomed attendants relieve them of their purses, exchanging their bags for a couple flutes of champagne offered by a third.
“Thank you,” Lena replies easily, well versed in the practice. Nia fumbles a step behind, her movements stiff and uncertain. Instead of moving directly into the belly of the store as she usually did, Lena lingers, allowing Nia the chance to take in the shop for the first time. The showroom looks much like any other, as could be glimpsed through the windows, styled with clean lines and immaculately dressed mannequins. The true Sylvie experience, however, happens further in, beyond the curtains that separate the dressing rooms from the rest of the store.
“If you’ll follow me, ladies, I’ll show you to your dressing room.”
Lena wonders what Nia expected as they approached one of the curtained off areas. Perhaps a cramped alcove like the hollywood thrift stores shown in coming-of-age films, where your elbows knocked the walls as you changed and you’d be lucky to find a stool to put your own clothes. Certainly it isn’t the plush, spacious room that awaits them, if Nia’s wide eyes are anything to go by.
Charnelle waits for them at the curtain. “Welcome, ladies,” she greets, parting the curtain so that Lena and Nia can slip inside. “Lena, lovely to see you again.”
“And you,” Lena returns.
“I’m Charnelle,” she introduces herself to Nia. “Wonderful to meet you. I’ll be assisting the two of you today.”
“Thankyousomuch,” Nia says in a rush, her shoulders tight as she shakes Charnelle’s offered hand.
Charnelle allows the curtains to close behind them, isolating them in their own little pocket of divine luxury. Lena settles herself on the central chaise lounge, folding her legs elegantly before her. Nia perches on the edge beside her, her gaze flicking to the small boudoir in one corner and another curtain that shields the actual changing area. Inside there, Lena knows Nia will find a plush bench to sit on as she undresses, and gold hangers to hold her clothes while she tries on various gowns. It’s designed to be beyond comfortable, a place where one could spend hours-- and lots and lots of money.
“So, what do you have for us today, Lena? Another benefit gala to dazzle?”
“Actually,” Lena replies, “Miss Nal here is covering the Golden Globes this week for CatCo Worldwide.”
“How exciting!” Charnelle rounds on Nia. “And what are you looking for in your gown?”
Caught with a mouthful of champagne, Nia freezes, then swallows audibly. “Um…” she coughs out. “Something nice? I probably shouldn’t be outdressing the stars or anything, so nothing too crazy?” She shrugs. “I don’t know, exactly.”
“Charnelle,” Lena intercedes, “could you bring us some formal options in black, maroon, or blue? Floor length, of course.”
Charnelle nods, beaming. “Absolutely.” She gives Nia a wink. “She has your colors nailed, honey. What are your measurements?”
Nia stares at them both. “Uh. A six, usually?”
“They’ll need your measurements to ensure a proper fit,” Lena delivers gently. “Do you mind if Charnelle--?”
“I’m trans!” Nia blurts, her chinks coloring a solid ear-to-ear pink. “Sorry,” she adds quietly. “But-- yeah. Just so you know.”
Lena stares, surprised more by the outburst than its content, but Charnelle takes it in stride. “So am I, baby girl,” she responds smoothly. “That doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to have a dress that fits.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, Nia finally, finally relaxes. She offers a shaky grin. “Okay. Yeah. Let’s do this.”
Charnelle gives Nia’s wrist a squeeze on her way to the boudoir to pull a tape measure from the top drawer. While she’s busy, Lena catches Nia’s eye and lifts her glass in a silent cheers of support. Nia rewards her with a small smile, before Charnelle returns and makes quick work of measuring Nia’s bust, waist and hips.
“All right!” Charnelle chirps, wrapping up her tape. “I’ll be right back with some options. You two stay here and get comfortable, all right? I’ll be right back.”
She disappears, and Nia all but collapses onto the chaise next to Lena. “I can’t believe I did that,” she groans.
Lena pats her on the knee. “You’re all right. Sylvie only gets my business because they know the value of discretion.”
“Yeah.” Nia lifts her head with a hum, surveying the dressing room once more. “This is nice. Thank you for talking me into it.”
Lena smirks. “Just wait.”
As if on cue, the curtains part to admit not Charnelle, but the woman who’d offered them their drinks. This time, her tray holds an array of small finger sandwiches. “Refreshments?”
“Oh, wow!” Nia exclaims, quickly helping herself to three. “Okay, yeah. I could get used to this.”
Lena grins, snaring a cucumber sandwich for herself. “Thank you. And another round, if you could,” she adds, seeing Nia’s empty glass.
The woman nods. “Of course.”
When she has disappeared again, the dressing room fills with quiet, and Lena realizes that she doesn’t have a clue what to say. She’s gone shopping with her mother, and with Andrea, and in both cases the conversation flowed easily, for better or for worse. But she’s never been shopping with a girl several years her junior, and never one in the middle of Lena’s biggest heartbreak.
“It happened the last time I went shopping for a dress too,” Nia says, breaking the silence. “The anxiety about… you know. I guess something about formal wear brings out the worst of it.”
Unsure of how to respond, Lena looks at her. “When was the last time?”
Nia sighs. “Prom. I’d transitioned by then, and most people were used to me, but I didn’t have a date, and part of me just internalized it as a fixture of me not being girly enough, and not, you know, the fact I didn’t know how to talk to boys, let alone date them. I didn’t even know if it was worth it to go at all, and I just-- started crying, right there in the dress shop.”
“What happened then?” Lena asks gently.
Nia smiles fondly. “My mom. She just hugged me, and told me how proud she was to have such a beautiful, confident daughter. It was sort of embarrassing at the time, but… it was something I needed to hear, you know?”
She pauses then as the server returns with their champagne. Afte the woman dips out again, Lena nudges her. “And did you ever find a dress?”
Nia snorts, nodding. “Yeah. Like, two minutes after I calmed down I found my dream dress. And my friends and I had a blast at prom, so I’m glad I went after all.”
“Good,” Lena murmurs, sipping her drink. “Well, I can’t promise anything about a dream dress, but I’ll call it a win if we get out of here without any tears.”
“Cheers to that,” Nia concurs, lifting her own glass for a deep sip.
In that moment, Charnelle returns, wheeling a short cart of long dresses along with her.
“All right, ladies-- who’s ready to see some gowns?”
---
Nia settles on a bias-cut gown of sky blue, accented with beaded embroidery at the bust and straps. It may not have qualified for dream status, but it’s perfect for the Globes, and Lena can tell Nia is excited by the time they step back out onto the street, garment bag draped over her arm.
“Thank you, again,” Nia offers, hiking her purse higher on her shoulder. “You really didn’t have to do all this, especially with how weird things are right now. I know it probably wasn’t easy to say yes when I called last night.”
Lena blinks. It honestly hadn’t occurred to her to say no. “Nia?”
“Yeah?”
“Why did you call me?” It’s her turn now to shift uncomfortably on her feet. “I’m always happy to help, but… as you say, things are weird. Why me?”
“Honestly?” Nia asks. Lena nods. “You remind me of my mom. I can’t begin to tell you how or why, but you do. And the thing is… my mom was probably the kindest person I’ve ever known. So-- if you reminded me of her, I figured you were a pretty safe bet. And the worst you could do was hang up on me, so…”
Right.
Lena nods, her throat locking painfully around a sudden lump in her throat. Forcing a smile, she clears her throat. “Okay. Well… I’m glad I was able to help. Are you okay to get home?”
Nia nods easily. “Yeah, I’ll just catch the bus. Thank you again. This was really nice, and it was really good to see you.”
Lena nods, but before she can turn away, Nia catches her by the wrist.
“I mean it, Lena. I owe you one. If you ever need anything…”
Lena turns her wrist, allowing her hand to settle into Nia’s palm. Giving it a squeeze, Lena offers her a smile.
“I know who to call.”
// prompts are closed
#lena and nia#brotp#trying on dresses#nia and lena go shopping#prompt filled#quarantine prompt party 2.0#GUESS WHO'S WRITING#AND FINALLY CATCHING UP ON THE PROMPTS SITTING IN HER INBOX#*jabs thumbs at self* this guy!!#this was fun#thanks nonnie
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