#and I hope that I could be of assistance
Note
On one of your reblogs a couple weeks ago, you said something about friend/relationships not being transactional and that we need each other and my brain has it on a rotisserie. I often see things as that way and try to keep things even…more in me never needing them, I’ll help anyone, anytime. Do you have any experience with shifting your mindset? This question might be misplaced and in that case, it fine to disregard.
Hello nonny dear.
I understand where you're coming from. There are a lot of reasons that one can keep track of who's done what for whom and making sure it stays "even."
I don't know what your reasons are, so I can only speak to my own experiences and what helped me. I hope that it's helpful to you.
I spent a lot of time having a terrible relationship with myself. Because of this, I was constantly doing whatever I could for the people around me. No favor was too large, no trouble too big, no mountain too high, no river too... you get the idea. But I never, ever asked for anything for myself. The idea of needing someone was abhorrent to me because in my mind I didn't deserve needing anyone's time, respect, or love.
One thing that helped me was to shift my perspective and consider how it would feel if it was a friend of mine who felt this way.
You say that you will help anyone, anytime, and it's no trouble to you. So, if you were someone else and saw yourself in need of help, it wouldn't be any trouble to assist, would it? If a friend of yours was hurting and you later found out that they didn't ask you for help, wouldn't you feel sad that you couldn't be there?
Once I started thinking of it not in terms of asking for myself, but giving my friends a chance to be the kind of friend to me they wanted to be, it got easier.
It also helps to realize that if you think that you're not worthy of being friends with someone, or needing them, then you're actually also placing an unfair judgment on them. You're saying what they should and shouldn't spend their time on, who they should and shouldn't hang out with. You're judging their choice in people. But you love these people, right? So why would you put that judgment on them? Let your friends decide for themselves who is worth their energy. And if they think that's you, then that's on them to decide. Not you to push away.
Don't take that choice from them.
Last year, I lost two friends whom I loved very deeply, shattering my trust in people. I'm still very much in the grieving process.
I say this not for sympathy, but to emphasize to you how much I understand the deep, deep pain that loved ones can bring to us. I do not stand before you as someone who loves or trusts easily (frankly I don't know that I'll ever trust again, but that's what my therapist is for).
Rather, I stand before you as someone who understands that as much as she wants to shut herself off from all others, she can't.
It is terrifying to need people. To need love and companionship. To need assistance. Especially the last few decades we have been taught (in the United States at least, not sure where you're from) independence above all else. To do it all, all on our own. Historically, that is not how we operate. Living alone and cooking all our own meals and doing all our own chores and working full-time is not how it's been for the majority of civilization.
You can't do it all. You just can't.
And needing people means that you might get hurt. It means your trust will be betrayed. It means you're going to screw up the courage to ask for something you need, be it a ride to the airport or respect, and you're going to be denied.
But put simply, you have no choice.
You are going to need to cry to someone, to laugh with someone. You are going to need someone to drive you to the damn airport. Because if you refuse those things, you will be miserable. This is in little ways, like paying out the nose for a taxi or cooking your own meal when you're sick, or in bigger, less tangible ways like depression born from deep, deep loneliness.
And you'll find what happens when you stop keeping score is that a weight is lifted off your shoulders. Because the secret is that it always ends up even. It really does. Because you're going to go through times in your life when you are in the shit and you need all the help you can get. And then you're going to be on top of the world and your friend will be the one in the shit needing all hands on deck to help them. You can't keep it even. You just can't. But if you let go of that, you'll find that really, over time... you're all needing each other equally. Because that's what humans are. That's what community is.
The fact is we're social creatures, nonny. We are made to love.
Look at the oldest signs of civilization. It's not grand palaces. It's not war spears. It's not inventions. It's art. It's people buried with love, and with mended bones, because they broke them and their loved ones made a splint and carried them from place to place and fed them. It's baskets for holding food and gardening supplies and cooking utensils because we learned to cook for each other, to feed each other.
Civilization is community.
A lack of trust, or a lack of self-worth, did not change my need for people. Refusing to eat doesn't mean your body stops needing food. So why starve yourself? And why act as though all food is poisoned or eating enough to satisfy yourself is gluttony?
You wouldn't poison the food. You wouldn't call your friends gluttons. So don't do that to yourself.
Your friends want to help you. The world often tries to prove me wrong but I swear by every speck of boiled blood in my body and every fleck of ash in my black shriveled heart, I know people are inherently good. They want to help. They want to love. They want to take care of you.
Let them. Nonny, please let them.
Remember:
keeping score will only exhaust you
that it's impossible to keep things 100% even, but that all things are fair in the end (in a healthy relationship) because we all have our ups and downs
that if you would help anyone, anytime, then you can't deny others the opportunity to do the same
not to deny your friends their agency and choice by refusing to even ask for things.
Remember that just because you refuse to eat doesn't mean you aren't hungry.
I hope this helped. It will take time to adjust. I recommend writing down some of these reminders and putting them up around your home like on the bathroom mirror and on the fridge. Change their position or put up different phrases every so often so they don't become invisible. The more you say these things, the more you'll believe them, and the easier it'll be to act on them.
I wish you all the best.
#mads answers things#a lot of times I get asks that frankly are more an ask for a therapist#not because it's invasive or anything#but because in order to provide a helpful answer#I would need to know a lot more very personal information#a lot of what will help us in changing our mindsets#is dependent on what we need to unpack in our personal history#and what traumas we need to heal from#so I urge nonny and everyone else to also look into therapy#because a therapist can help you with those particular personal hang-ups#on which I am not qualified to give advice (nor should I as a stranger on the internet)#but as someone who is currently deeply struggling not to regress on years of hard work#because of her recent trauma and grief#I felt I could offer some helpful perspectives#and I hope that I could be of assistance
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the shattered sanctum experience
#hope... such a tease#bg3#bg3 spoilers#abdirak is a freak but he could fix me I think#blue's art tag#the durge can engage in a little professionally-assisted self flagellation. as a treat
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Day 1: Introduction
"O'nehgi Tia, is it?"
he laughs. "ah, no, no. just Negi, please. and - Selene, too, if you wouldn't mind. she doesn't take well to being ignored..."
#miqomarch#miqomarch 2024#ffxiv#ffxiv miqo'te#final fantasy 14#HIIII it's my first time doing any of this I HOPE EVERYONE IS HAVING FUN!!!!!#umm negi is. my main he has many problems and i love him.#he is not the wol but he is the wol's assistant i guess you could call him. because what would the wol do without a good healer huh??#nothing. thats what.#m: negi#he wouldn't exactly Mind being called O'nehgi most of the time if it wasn't for the fact that like. the letter h is very much a *hiss*#that most non-miqo'te cannot do considering they don't have like. the right throat to make.#so usually he'll get real familiar with everyone very fast just to avoid having to hear it get mangled forever lol#if he doen't ask you to drop the letter very early though. watch out. that means he does Not like you.
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Hi! How are you!? I just came across your Waterpark AU and let me just say, I am soooooo ready for some summer fun!!! /silly
Also, I love the background designs for all the sketches you have made! They are so detailed and immersive! And your designs for Sun and Moon are so cool! I'm curious about their personalities! I'm very excited to see what other story snippets/crumbs we might eventually get! <3 <3 <3
Hi hello!!! I’m doing good thank you :))
Yayyyyyy glad to hear it and I hope you’re also ready for the summer fun to find you!
Munching on your compliments, my goal for this au was to make it feel as immersive as possible! Every time I discover someone’s DCA au I feel drawn into their world (written or illustrated) and I absolutely love it! So so happy to hear I am able to accomplish this effect from you guys it really motivates me to continue working on this au and develop more content for it <3
Also thank you for the compliments on their designs haha it’s comedic at this point that I don’t have their ref sheets completed though, worried their color pallets will surprise everyone.
Ah yes their personalities that is something I am still learning on how to portray. It’s in my head but how do I show this??? Through written interactions and dialogue? Through text of their personality traits and habits? Idk I’ll hopefully figure something out soon.
Again thank you for your kind words! I’ve been hoarding quite a few of my inbox messages to help inspire me!!!
#love love love throwing out crumbs so if you have specific questions n such feel free to shoot me a message!#I know getting to some asks may take AWHILE but i promise i will get to them all haha#maybe I could try listing characters that their traits are similar to the water boys to help depict them hmmmm#and also welcome to the Waterspark Bay au I hope you enjoy your time here!#if you need any assistance the water boys would be more than happy to help!#waterpark au#Waterspark au#Waterspark bay#dca au
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.
#gonna ramble about irl here so people don't have to read it unless they want to#so because I got covid and couldn’t leave my bed I've essentially lost my job#I've told my manager I'm okay to go back to work#even if my body is still sore#but she's only given me a 3 hour shift a week#and you guessed it!#it's the late shift#the one where it takes me almost 2 hours to get home from#she's being so petty with me#and I am so behind in rent#I've applied for government assistance and I have a meeting with them tomorrow#I really hope they can help because I feel awful#I'm also annoyed at myself because I can't find my knee brace ANYWHERE#I thought I could find one for around $10 but nope!#the closest stores selling them are like $25+ so that's fun#I don't know when I'll be able to draw again#I'm so stressed again about money and secueing work#hopefully once I can get govt assistance at least I can enjoy life again#also I tried to ask the zine that still owes me money if they could finally send payment but they still keep delaying it with excuses#I'm so desperate it's shameful
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Looking for a job rn feels stupid as shit, I should be dead
#hello meds could you guys work#i almost had a breakdown looking for work today...#im gonna force myaelf to apply to two assistant roles i saw and hope for the best#but like i dont have a lot of expectations for myself#im so disappointed because i know im not gonna get work as an artist. but i have no one to blame but myself
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Everybody please send out good vibes/prayers/wishes that nothing else happens to my car, so that I can take it in on Monday to get the popped tire fixed so that I can drive it to the autobody shop on Tuesday to get the rest of it fixed from guy who rear ended me 😅😭😵💫
#it has been a time folks#luckily a very kind good Samaritan came and helped me get the spare on#but it has been /a time/#i just hope a tree doesn't fall on it while its parked 😅#(knock on wood knock on wood knock on wood 🤜🌲)#not to mention the eta on the raodside assistance was //12 hours//#they should pay /me/#luckily i could cancel and only had to pay the cancelation fee#and then my mom was the best and venmoed me that xD#i still cried in front a dude though#but he was already married and im mostly gay so its finex)
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Hello , just wanna ask if you know more comics where he appears as Mr knight?
I had read the 2014-15 run, and the Lemire run, the 'deadpool kills marvel again' (mk got killed too early :/) and the 'marvel comics present' issue 4, I am also reading the current moon knight run,
(sorry bad English)
Hello! Thanks for sending an ask and there's absolutely no need to apologize for your English (yours is great and goodness knows that it's an absolute charlie foxtrot of a language/I kark it up often enough myself)! Looks like you've definitely read the main comics that feature Mr. Knight and can skip the first three bullet points below, but here's a compilation of appearances I scraped together where at least some variation of that all-white three piece suit is present, i.e. in some of these, he might have the mask and/or suit jacket off, but it's still pretty clearly the Mr. Knight suit. Just let me know if you'd like a list of variant covers featuring Mr. Knight as I would be happy to make that as well! I hope there might be some potentially new material in here for you/this might be of use and happy reading!
Moon Knight Comics
Moon Knight (Vol. 7/2014), #1, #3-9, #11-15, #17
Moon Knight (Vol. 8/2016), ("Lemire Run" in brackets) [#1-5, #8-14], #188, #200
Moon Knight (Vol. 9/2021), #1-7, #9, #13-18, #20, #22-25, #30
Devil’s Reign: Moon Knight (Vol. 1/2022), #1
Moon Knight: Black, White & Blood (Vol. 1/2022), #1-4
Ms. Marvel & Moon Knight (Vol. 1/2022), #1
Moon Knight Annual (Vol. 3/2022), #1
Moon Knight: City of the Dead (Vol. 1/2023), #5
Other Comic Series
Secret Avengers (Vol. 1/2010), #19 (Special mention: the name "Mr. Knight" isn't used, but it's the first published instance I've tracked down of the iconic white suit + mask combo)
Doctor Strange: Damnation (Vol. 1/2018), #1-4
Ben Reilly: Scarlet Spider (Vol. 1/2017), #15-17
Marvel Comics Presents (Vol. 3/2019), #4
The Avengers (Vol. 8/2018), #33
Strange (Vol. 3/2022), #5
Doctor Strange (Vol. 6/2023), #2
Other Continuities
Deadpool Kills the Marvel Universe Again (Vol. 1/2017), #1-3
Cameos
Deadpool’s Secret Secret Wars (Vol. 1/2015), #1
Doctor Strange (Vol. 4/2015), #387-388
Deadpool: Assassin (Vol. 1/2018), #4
Daredevil (Vol. 5/2016), #612
Avengers: No Road Home (Vol. 1/2019), #10
Crazy (Vol. 3/2019), #1
Avengers Unlimited (Vol. 1/2022), Infinity Comic, #33
Additional Special Notes
Soldier wears the "Mr. Knight" suit in Moon Knight (Vol. 9/2021) #11 and #12
There's a pretty cool (imo) variation on the Mr. Knight suit in Moon Knight Annual (Vol. 4/2023), #1
#Knight Mail#Marvel#Marvel comics#Marvel 616#Marvel TRN 664#Marvel TRN 844#Marvel TRN 834#Moon Knight comics#Moon Knight#Marc Spector#Mr. Knight#So yeah I hope this is of interest to y'all! Please just let me know if anything's unclear/if you'd like further context#or perhaps if there's some panels you'd like for me to grab as it would be my absolute pleasure to be of assistance#inevitably there might be some appearances I've missed in which case mea culpa for the oversight and please know#that such an oversight will haunt me /hj askdfj thanks again for the ask!#this and the ask I received the other day reminded me that it's about time I went digging through Moon Knight's 'minor appearances'#and non-616 variants again to see if anything new and note-worthy has popped up#could prove interesting
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So I think I'm finally getting a contract and I'm going to start my new studies (as a youth/school counselor) in my old school. I met the principal today and had a talk with him, and he said he was pleased to see me there and would like to have me there because I already know my way around and seemed to manage things just fine when I was still their student. So, that's great, I'm finally getting somewhere.
But I'll have to wait until Friday because he's still not quite sure who's going to be my supervisor, so he's going to have a talk with a couple of staff members about it at first.
And then my teacher in my new school is already pressing me with contract matters and stuff, wanting me to start earlier than I had originally planned or at least get the contract done by then, so uhh. I'm going to have a Teams meeting with her on Friday at 8 o'clock in the morning (I'm not a morning person at all), and I'm sure we're going to have such a lovely discussion about my schedule and study plans and all that stuff.
All this phone-calling and paperwork is giving me a headache. And I still have some school assignments to do and to return before next week, and guess what - ya girl just wants to read and write fanfiction all day and all night. 🤪 Priorities, I has them.
#personal#no seriously i went to bed around 4am because i was writing a fic. and then i got up at 8:30 after snoozing the clock for an hour#because i had the appointment with the principal around 10am so#but anyway despite my poor sleeping schedule i am actually happy about this opportunity#i should be able to work in the evenings if they can just find me a supervisor. which would be super because then i'm not going to have to#wake up early. unless i get a side job because i need money and this is only training so i don't get paid for it. but remains to be seen#i am not feeling awfully energized for school/work combination right now so uhh#but then i'd also get to work as a special needs assistant because this school has a lot of special needs students#so that sounds pretty good actually. it was something i was also thinking about doing before#because i was kind of a special needs student myself when i was younger and i didn't get the help i needed so#helping others with that could be great. a great opportunity indeed#and i may have to help with this other type of class as well#i think they're calling it preparatory education for vocational training in english. i'm not 100% sure what it even means#but well if i get a chance then perhaps i'll find outl#so all in it sounds like they have need for me and i get to do a lot of different stuff so. it should be good#it's. just this. studying itself. and like i said. all this paperwork and making phone calls and stuff. it's stressing me out#so uh#let's just hope that friday makes me a little bit wiser
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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aftermath of this piece
you just know with this 🤏 much edging/denial you could get him to beg
#yappa art#raymond delver#the mortuary assistant#nsftumblr#girls in my phone i am exhausted#it is 4 am and i have to be up in 2 hours#i could not just take my file deleting itself without a fight#i hope someone enjoyts this as much as i have im abt to enter a coma
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Me: Can I put a second hard drive in my laptop?
My dad: No, they don't leave space for that in laptop cases.
Me: But I have two hard drives in my old laptop.
My dad: :| Your old laptop is a Lenovo ThinkPad. It's basically not even a laptop. You can't be judging other laptops by that standard.
#im hoping after i copy some data off that laptop i can wipe it and maybe install linux on it#its an older laptop 2014 i think but i offered it to my sister if we could get it running windows again and she said she didnt want it#although she ought to have taken it and i might make it a birthday present after all#but if i dont i think i could get some mileage out of it with a linux os#which as far as i can tell can run all the windows apps i use just fine probably#maybe with the assistance of third party apps#but still#anyhow thats a consideration for another day#the problem at hand is. one of the hard drives in that laptop is 500gb#which is more storage than i have on any other device#i have absolutely no idea where im going to copy all this data to#(i legit have no idea whats wrong with it it was a sturdy little computer.)#(but in september of 2020 it decided it wasnt gonna take an update and i havent been able to get it to update since)#(and it is naturally completely unusable)
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thinking abt the previous post, the agency i worked at for a couple years would use bits of ABA and I just... I always nodded along to the boss instructing me on how to work with the kids with those tactics (I worked with the kids who were 6 and under) and then as soon as she left I tossed all that shit out of my brain and just treated the kid like a human being and worked with them where they were at.
and guess what !!! i had the most and fastest success out of every other worker in the entire building!! i was often told it seemed like i was working miracles with my kids bc they'd just progress so fast (comparatively) through the skill book we had to work on, and that the kids always seemed so happy and eager to come to the building after they started working with me!!
this is partially why I quit because I couldn't stand seeing my coworkers treat the kids like they were dogs (talking down to them, being patronizing, and utilizing shitty ABA tactics) and as much good as I was doing there, it was fucking me up bc they were extremely demanding that I work more than I was comfortable (or able) to, and often put me with "problem" kids who I didn't get to regularly see so we couldn't make much progress bc the kids weren't able to get to know me and (rightfully!) didn't trust me because they thought I'd be treating them the way everyone else did.
i just...... my coworkers would ask me how I had so much success and I would just shrug and say like, "just treat them like they're human and work with them where they're at" and I couldn't explain any more bc that'd require me admitting I wasn't following the boss' guidance for a lot of shit fjfkdl
#i had kids who didn't like talking suddenly become chatterboxes bc they actually felt safe and listened to for once !!!#(and ofc some kids just didnt like talking and that was okay bc they would talk when needed but just preferred to be quiet)#also yall i had no formal training for this 😭 i was thrown into the fray one day djfkdl i was supposed to just work as an admin assistant#it was just fucking bonkers there#kids had meltdowns sometimes bc the workers were so useless and didnt take the time to learn to read the child and they'd push too much#and they did things in ways that were sooo rigid so often like... if a kid is looking tired u gotta shift ur schedule around !!#but they'd just be like noooope this is our plan and we have to stick to it#my guy!! the child looks exhausted!!! they are fucking four years old !!! what the hell are u doing!!!#no four yr old is going to ever feel okay if u keep pushing them to do stuff they dont rly want to do when theyre tuckered out!!#anyways i could rant for hours abt that place lmfao#i still think abt the kids so often esp some of the ones with rough home lives#and i just rly rly hope theyre doing okay#but i cannot go back and help again bc that place destroyed me gjfkdl i hit autistic burnout HARD while there#and thats what ultimately forced me to quit#otherwise i probably would've stayed bc i rly wanted to give these kids someone safe to be around esp if their homes werent a v safe place#idk its so hard bc one person can't change the entire way things are (esp since i had no formal training)#but also if im not there then i know nobody else there is going to be knocking ABA to the side and treating the kids like whole ass humans!#eugh i hate thinking abt it bc I just... what the fuck do u do with a situation like that lmfao#i miss those kids sm though fjfkdl theyre all so cool and fun and rly good kids#i hope good things happen to them :')#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#ableism tw#aba tw
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tell me whyyyy I had to repeatedly assure these 13 and 11 yr olds that they were allowed to do whatever they wanted with my nails. any designs they've been wanting to try. "what if they look bad" it's paint!! on my fingernails!! I don't care!! it's fun!! "..can I use glitter" hell yes you can. "no one has wanted glitter" well I do!! let those kids be messy.. let em Have Fun with art. and self expression. my sister was like "are you sure? they're not gonna look good" In Front Of Them and I was like okay and so what!! these two r Thrilled at the idea of being given blanket permission to Do Whatever. they're 13 and 11 years old. let those kids be silly. anyway i love what they did they're so mismatched and messy and glitter bombed and they rock. I love those kids so much. let them have fun..
#clothes and makeup and nail polish r supposed to be Fun do what you Want be Silly and Express Yourself#I hate that they're so worried abt Being Pretty. youre prettiest when youre happy with how you look. my god#I did tell the 15 year old her foundation is way too orange for her but yknow. that's an assist. I'm taking her to state comp for french#horn in a few months <3 she started playing horn bc I played it. I love that kid. I love those fuckin kids.#the 17 yr old is pretty okay she's got eldest sibling syndrome bad. I still think she's gay and has Issues with it#bc. that family is megachurch suburban white christian all the fuckin way#swear to god I'm not just assuming she's a lesbian she has straight up told me she likes girls but that doesn't mean she's gay. hope she#figures that out one way or another. it is fuckinf suffocating in that household sometimes but. could be a lot worse#side note. 15 yr old is Literally a genius. shes so happy whenever I'm around bc I'm the only person who understands music like she does#but. she's better than me. perfect pitch. she can play anything by ear. but I've got her matched for horn skills at least#it's her biggest special interest . heehoo she always infodumps abt music to meee
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I for one can’t wait for t and Travis to break up
#I don’t relish in hoping for a person’s break up but that woman’s fanbase is annoying and invasive#like they act like they are both of their personal assistant#I saw someone on tiktok made a excel sheet of both of their respective events and was seeing what each other could go to#and this was an grown adult older than me! they are locked in that parasocial relationship with Taylor#they were doing all types of calculating to see if taylor could make it to the superbowl#but at the same time wanna defend taylor’s use of private jet#not to mention how anti black they were being to travis’s ex over this pr relationship
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This whole trying to find a new job that doesn't make me wanna kms thing has me contemplating teaching again as if I'm not still recovering from burnout
#it's because i know i could walk into virtually any teaching job i want#i really hope the other library assistant positions get back to me soon#personal#i can't stop thinking about that advice that's like#'if you get an interview they think you can do the job'#which great but what if you DON'T get an interview#anyway im being self conscious and im gonna have a nap
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