i think i'm too stressed and filled with anxiety lmao. can't write, can't game, can't read for a long time, only staring into the abyss. no music either, nothing satisfies me. icky.

Reality Lowdown

(content warnings are in tags)

The room I wake up in has shifted 2 degrees to the left The light in the kitchen is a warm glow- it was a cool blue last night The sun rises in the wrong spot The stairs are too close together as I walk

I don’t let my eyes stay in one place too long They dart across rooms, looking for more displacements More to feel wrong about A voice calls me to the next room. I don’t recognize who it is I don’t know where I am

My knuckles crack too loudly My hair is tied up wrong My jacket is too tight in the collar My shoes are too loose My voice is different than I remember it My vision is more blurry than last night My thoughts formulate too fast My hands are responding too slow

My chest feels heavy My eyes glaze over My heart aches My stomach does flips My fingers are chewed- so are my lips My legs go numb

I don’t think anyone can understand it Can truly understand- The way my hands Are detached from my wrists

I stare at faces until I’m certain I’ve seen the person before I don’t think I’ve stared at a mirror for this long before I’ve been staring at a mirror the whole time My skin crawls I feel sick

I will wake up tomorrow unknowing of what it will be The room I wake up in might be shifted 5 degrees to the right Or the light in the kitchen might be blue again My knuckles might not crack at all My voice might not work I don’t know.

Reality has its claws in me The best I can do is lick off the blood

-Reality Lowdown (By me)

I think the routine my new job is giving me has been really good for my mental health but it's funnier to say Ive been too tired to be mentally ill

me when i post something indirectly fishing for compliments and i get the compliments i was indirectly fishing for

(this is referring to smth i posted on tiktok, not tumblr)

mac i am so sorry to enter ur inbox with more qsmp but oh my god. qcellbit update. so he talked to bagi. his sister. he still doesn't remember her. he still needs time to process everything but she said she's waited fifteen years so she can wait a few more days. i'm crying and sobbing rn. also he doesn't even fucking remember what he did to get thrown in prison, all he knows is that he was killing people to survive one day and another he was behind bars. i'm UNWELL!!! he got called in to talk to cucurucho (the fuckin THING that's kind of the federation mascot and it tortured cellbit with a chainsaw months ago FUCK CUCURUCHO ALL MY HOMIES HATE CUCURUCHO) and he was just. fucking tired. yesterday he messed with the feds quite publicly and cucurucho questioned him about it and he said "i don't care what you do to me, you can torture me, i don't care. i just want my family back, i want a future with them. just give me peace. let me rest." HE SOUNDED SO FUCKING TIRED. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE WAS SAYING UNTIL SOMEONE POSTED A TRANSLATION BUT HE SOUNDED SO SO SAD. AND NOW CELLBIT HIMSELF IS GOING TO TWITCHCON SO QCELLBIT IS TAKING A WEEK LONG DEPRESSION NAP. MAC CAN U HEAR ME. I'M UNWELL. I'M LOSING IT. THIS IS ME RN

anyway. hows ur day. i might go watch some steven universe bc i have been meaning 2 rewatch it (or adventure time!!!! one of the two for sure) take a short break from binge watching hannibal 2 watch a silly funny cartoon :3 also still trying to make my way thru marble hornets again it's just such an insane series 2 rewatch u know but i'm getting there!!! sorry i am just currently lying on the floor in my brain thinking about qsmp i had 2 tell u what happened 2 ur blorbo in law today

NEVER APOLOGIZE TO ME ABOUT PUTTING STUFF IN MY INBOX I LOVE GETTING MAIL I LOVE LEARNING THROUGH OSMOSIS I LOVE LISTENING 2 PPL TALK ATBT THINGS THEY LOVE

that sounss aboslutely DEVASTATING btw. oh my god. so the whole thing is like.. she remembers him but he doesnt remember her ?? GODDDD thats so upsetting. im glad hes getting 2 take a nap even if it is a depression one sigh. oh man oh man i love this.

my day was! good i think! i have not had a day to reat since my whole job shadow debacle last week so im kimd of running on fumes BUT . i have off work tmw so im gonna get a haircut and feel all good about everything. and maybe work on some art bc im now caught up to my pre prepped invertober images and i have a couple other time sensitive things like that. ougah. we keep truckin. ive got a huge backlog of youtube videos to watch from last week + beginning of this week i cannot Wait to get thru those and also watch more adventure time !! bc i have offically gotten to Stakes (a marcelone centric mini series) and it is one of my favorite eras ever. i love you vampire lore!!!

Guess whos potentially working a triple tomorrow?????????

Im going to transform into my final form if this shit keeps up i swear to god.

fit of horrible sobbing so full of mucus i had to emergency strip and use my sleep shirt as a gigantic hanky. i do not feel better and have a pit in my stomach that won't leave but at least i am dealing with grief in real time for once instead of locking it away for several years however it does feel like the vault busted open and now im dealing w like. all of it at once. so that's cool

march madsen day 31 - the man himself

my plans to watch his recently made documentary got foiled by the fact that it's apparently not available anywhere so i chose one of my favorite pictures of him to redraw. with this - march madsen is over, but i'd like to leave it with a very sappy note:

I started watching Michael Madsen movies during the middle of the pandemic that first year - it started with my first real deep dive into Quentin Tarantino's filmography with my best friend, and in a time of uncertainty and fear it was a comfort and a newfound joy. Michael Madsen first truly grabbed my attention in The Hateful 8, and after that I was hooked.

Michael Madsen is a prolific actor and creator with a career that spans decades; he has over 300 movies (and counting) to his name, a long list of voice acting work, and a great deal of poetry as well. He is unabashedly outspoken about things he is passionate about, such as Hollywood's treatment of people, especially women. He's also had a lot of hardships and follies in his life that have shaped him into the actor he is today.

I have a lot to say about him as an actor - he has a one of a kind voice that can range from shockingly gentle to fearsome and intimidating. He has a unique way of speaking and line delivery. His hands are just as much of a character as he is. He really knows how to get noticed in a scene. His roles, not matter how small, are memorable, and his deaths are as heartbreaking as they are numerous (seriously he is always dying in his movies).

There's a few big titles and memorable roles on my list, like Reservoir Dogs, Kill Bill, and The Hateful 8, and there are a lot of which I purposely left out like Thelma & Louis or Donnie Brasco. I did that because I wanted to check out his other work too, the less notable works. These movies aren't popular, and in some cases they aren't even well done, sometimes they're just excuses for him to cut a check (which I can respect). Even if they aren't very good you can see in a lot of them just how much fun he's having. If I decide to do a March Madsen 2, I think I will focus on his more prolific roles and older films in his filmography.

To keep this short, I'll say this: To Michael Madsen (on the off chance he ever sees this), thank you. Thank you for over four decades of creation. I hope we keep seeing more of you.

i just finished writing the last chapter of blurred lines and lies 💔 time for the endings 🙏🏼

When these three showed up I just gasped in absolute joy

(anyway so uh upon breaking the new update in it's genuinely just like. Really really good. and istg the trial reward thing kinda scared me at first but I'm pretty sure just about everything you got from the trials you can buy from the new shop so getting said new shop's currency from the trials basically has the same effect I think except now you get to choose what your reward is so yeah. Also one new thing in the shop is like a jar that's basically the shell-out machine from Splatoon 3 so Yippee I can get stuff from before I started playing the game-)

I wanna get back into drawing sooooo bad. 

aaaand once again it's time to filter bmf as i'm on my way to work with no idea when exactly i'll be able to catch up

today was such a massive screwup i got thrown off so badly i can’t mentally process that it is a Tuesday and i have Work I Need To Do for the week

I think anyone who says drawing is relaxing is lying. it’s 5 am and I have been shaking for hours after thinking ‘oh I’ll just sketch for a little while before bed’

second day of week four only and im already missing classes. this is going great